#my guy has fucked health issues and he also has talked about his food restrictions before

[thesmpisonfire]

Sometimes I think about Ricardão and how he often talks about his health issues and how the QSMP Info stream also helped him have company during Christmas bc he couldn't leave to go anywhere and so he spent the day with Pomme's admin playing together and so neither was alone :(((

[sapphicmsmarvel]

You Are Strong

masterlist 

HP masterlist

TWS: describing anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, an eating disorder (ARFID). 

I am basing all of this off of my own issues because this is how I cope. Please, PLEASE, do not read if you are triggered by any of the topics above. 

-When you told him you struggled with anxiety and depression, he went to the library and tried to find as much research on those topics. 

-He even asked Hermione for help (she’s your best friend and does know about it), she gave him tips and tricks and pretty soon he was a great help with this stuff. 

-He has a fucking spidey-sense when it comes to your moods and how you’re feeling. 

-He's as loving as can be. Patient, he’s understanding, he makes sure you take the first move because he knows during anxiety and panic attacks usually people don’t wanna be touched. 

-With your mental health, aka your anxiety and feeling overwhelmed in situations, that can lead to intense spouts of anger. 

-He doesn’t have to worry about you being mad at him, because he knows you’ll outright tell him.  

-But you don't tell anyone else. 

-“I’m so angry that I'm shaking, Freddie.” You said with tears in your eyes. 

“I know love, why don’t we get the fidget cube and you can hit the button over and over.” 

“It won’t annoy you?” 

“Never. You never annoy me.” 

-He always carries a pen. You thought it was because he wanted to always be prepared if you were feeling randomly anxious, so you could just click it over and over.

- He also always made sure there was sour candy inside of his dormitory, the reason was because he knew of the sour candy trick. (eating sour candy will sometimes help with anxiety because all your brain will focus on is that candy). 

-You gave him the password for your common room in case your mental health got bad and you didn’t get out of bed. Also everyone in your house were aware of what he was there for, and didn’t give him shit since he was helping you. 

-Draco may hate Fred Weasley, but he was helping you, the house’s head-girl. 

-Anywho, you guys follow a “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” rule. He’d ask if he can hold you, you’d give an answer, if you wanted food, if you wanted him there, etc. 

-He learned early on that the first thing to go out when you’re having a bad day is your talking. But you two worked out a system to keep communication between the two of you alive. 

-You struggled with eating, you had an eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). 

-He noticed one day you weren’t eating your normal amount, he thought nothing of it. Then, the habit continued. 

“Hissy?” 

“Hm?” You said, looking at your textbook. 

“Why...haven’t you been eating lately?” 

You sighed, “I was hoping you wouldn't notice if I’m being honest here.” 

“Of course, I’ll notice.” 

You sighed, “I struggle with an eating disorder, it’s called ARFID. It means Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. It’s not the same as binge eating or anorexia, I just limit my intake.” 

“Why?’ 

“Because it’s linked to my mental health. I know I’m bigger than most girls and sometimes…” you shrugged. “I get insecure. And it links to body dysmorphia as well and I just have issues with my body due to trauma.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I don’t want your pity, Fredward.” You said with a smile. 

“I know, and it isn't pity. I’m sorry that you’ve been going through this alone. Is there anything I can do to help?” 

You shrugged, “it goes in and out. SOmetimes I won’t relapse for a year and sometimes it’s for a month. It happens when there’s a big food related event around the corner, or a dance and I’ll diet myself.” 

He connected the dots. “Like the Yule Ball.” 

You nodded, “like the Yule Ball.

-Since that conversation, he’s hyped you up even more than usual. At the Yule Ball, it was the first time at a fancy event that you didn’t avoid eating the day before. 

-You had an amazing time that night, the next week though, you were feeling guilty. 

-In Fred’s dorm one night, you spoke.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” He looked up at you from your lap. 

“For being so depressing of a person.” You were avoiding looking at him completely. 

He immediately sat up. “Hey.” He said gently, you looked at him with tears in your eyes. “Why would you say that?” 

“Because, I know this stuff can be a burden.” You whispered. 

“Who on earth made you feel like you were a burden?” You shrugged, “people I used to be around.” 

“Fuck. Them.” He said, “you are so valid in what you feel, you are strong. You are the strongest person I know. To be battling your own mind and body everyday, you put others before yourself despite the fact that you are in a war all by yourself. I’ll never know what it’s like to deal with this stuff, but you take it and you deal with it. You put a smile on and you make sure others feel happy. Last week, Ginny was crying and you held her, you gave her such loving advice. You could’ve brushed her off, you could’ve told her you were dealing with stuff and didn't have time, but you made time. You make time to help others despite the shit you deal with on the daily. I love you, and you are never a burden to me.”

[gameofdrarry]

Wizards Hearts Recs: Healer!Draco

Wizards Hearts was a four-month-long Drarry reading fest. Players were given a playing deck of 52 tropes, and were asked to find 52 different fics to read and comment on to fill their decks. To prevent the same few fics from being read, fics were restricted to only being used for the game three times before being considered ineligible for further points. The tropes and submissions list can be found here.

Check out the masterlist of fics for this trope below the cut!

📜 The Four Doors by fluxweed Rated:  Explicit Words:  48845 Tags: Mind Healer Draco Malfoy, Legilimency (Harry Potter), Memory Loss, Memory Magic, Sexual Fantasy, Masturbation, Power Imbalance, Auror Harry Potter, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Dubious Consent Due To Patient/Healer Dynamic, Mind Fucking (Literally), Not Epilogue Compliant, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE Summary:  It’s been four months since Harry lost his memory. Four months of dead ends and no answers. With time running out until his memories are gone for good, Harry agrees to a course of Legilimency therapy with a renowned specialist: Mind Healer Draco Malfoy. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Where The Falcons Fly by MyNameIsThunder Rated:  Mature Words:  283177 Tags: Healer Draco Malfoy, Seeker Harry Potter, Quidditch, accidental magic, Blood and Injury, Not Epilogue Compliant, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Post-Hogwarts, Scars, Secret Relationship, Slow Burn, Whump, POV Third Person Limited, Mutual Pining, Power Couple, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, Eventual Fluff Summary:  Where the Falcons fly, there’s blood. Where Draco goes, there usually is too. That’s his job, after all – heal morons and the people who get in their way. He could deal with that, he thinks, if only there wasn’t Harry fucking Potter, Seeker, who gets injured a lot even by the Falcons’ standards and seems to have made a habit of inserting himself in Draco’s private life. Draco just wants to heal people – normal people, that is – and do his research in peace. Well, when does he ever get what he wants? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 A Better Kind of Love by MalenkayaCherepakha Rated:  Explicit Words:  25768 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Post-Hogwarts, Quidditch Player Harry Potter, Healer Draco Malfoy, St Mungo's Hospital, Hospitals, discussion of injuries, Broken Bones, Injury Recovery, Skele-Gro, Physical Therapy, Nightmares, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Quidditch, Masturbation, Rimming, Shower Sex, Locker Room Sex, Semi-Public Sex, H/D Erised 2020 Summary:  Harry, along with the rest of the Puddlemere United team, is determined that this year will be the year they finally win the Quidditch League Cup. But when a Bludger-induced fall leads to a missed Snitch, broken bones, and an extended stay in St Mungo's, that conviction is put to the test. If Harry wants to have any chance of returning to the pitch this season he has to put all of his faith in his assigned Healer. Which is no easy task when that Healer is Draco Malfoy. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Meet Cute by rewmariewrites Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  4203 Tags: Fluff, Mild Hurt/Comfort, St Mungo's Hospital, Hospitals, Healer Draco Malfoy, Auror Harry Potter, POV Draco Malfoy, Pining Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Harry is a Little Shit, Banter Summary:  It may be important to note that Draco Malfoy meets the love of his life when he is twenty-five years old. Well. In the spirit of fairness, that statement is both technically inaccurate and incredibly vague. Draco isn’t just twenty-five years old, when he meets the love of his life, he’s also in his fourth year of the Healing Programme at St. Mungo’s, and this isn't actually the first time they've ever met. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Don't Waste Your Eyes on Jealous Guys by EvAEleanor Rated:  Mature Words:  9667 Tags: MACUSA | Magical Congress of the United States of America, Auror Harry Potter, Healer Draco Malfoy, Roadtrips, Music, Implied Sexual Content, on the bonnet of a car, Pining, jealous boyfriend, mentions of Abusive Relationship (emotionally and verbally), First Kiss, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Hopeful Ending, Choose Your Own Ending, Touch, hearing, TasteofSmut 2020, First Time, Bittersweet Ending Summary:  For two years now, Harry’s life has been different. Not only does he work in New York City as the Auror liaison to MACUSA on an international murder case, but he’s seen more of Draco Malfoy than he’d ever thought possible. Working with him, and spending time with him after work. During all of this time, Harry has watched Draco going back to his shitty boyfriend over and over again. The worst thing about all of this, he’d fallen in love with him. Maybe there’s hope for Harry though. Maybe for just one night... ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 All is NOT well... by iStiz Rated:  Mature Words:  65500 Tags: HP: EWE, Not Epilogue Compliant, Slow Build, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter Friendship, Healer Draco Malfoy, Quidditch, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Physical Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Depression, Substance Abuse, Rehabilitation, Cuddling & Snuggling, Mild Sexual Content, vague sexual content, Happy Ending Summary:  The war may be over but all is NOT well. Harry feels lost, the Ministry is still trying to control him, his friendships with Ron is rocky at best, he doesn't sleep enough, and then there's Draco Malfoy. Things haven't turned out quite the way Harry expected them to, but at least he still has Hermione to help him (and maybe some new friends if he can trust letting them into his life). ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Harry Potter and the elusive day off by pleasebekidding Rated:  Explicit Words:  71753 Tags: Sleep disorders, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, in all honesty this has a bunch of pain, problematic therapist/patient stuff, mind healer!draco, auror!Harry, no seriously the therapist/patient stuff is super problematic but welcome to fanfic, Child Abuse Summary:  Auror Potter needs a fucking break. He is wiped. He is exhausted. He probably didn't intend to put himself into a magical coma but these things happen. And who cares, really? He is comfortable in a house where he has hidden away all the shit he can't deal with. Guaritore Christopher Black is an exceptional psychiatrist with a specialisation in sleep disorders. He is also Draco Malfoy in a Glamour. Minister Hermione Granger knows the dangers and the complications, but she needs her best friend back. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 oxygen by MaesterChill Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  4065 Tags: Healer Draco Malfoy, Auror Harry Potter, Post-Hogwarts, Smoking, Cigarettes, Talking, Breathing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Minor Character Death, A Kiss, Fanart, POV Second Person Summary:  Draco doesn’t smoke. Except when he needs to breathe. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Indebtedness by RecIt_Ralph Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  50685 Tags: HP: EWE, Healer Draco Malfoy, Auror Harry Potter, Slow Build, Fluff and Angst, forgiving Harry, Chaptered, My First Fanfic, Swearing, Snark, Eventual Happy Ending, Second Chances, Getting to Know Each Other Summary:  Of all the Healers in all of St Mungo's - why does Harry always end up with Malfoy? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Best Laid Plans by CreateImagineWrite Rated:  Explicit Words:  10105 Tags: Marriage Proposal, Lust Potion/Spell, Secret Relationship, Anal Sex, Established Relationship, Barebacking Summary:  He hadn’t intended to be fully clothed with Harry naked at this point, or to have just made him take an antidote to a poison or have had to Incarcerus him to the bed. But they’ve never had a very normal relationship anyways. And damn him if he’s going to let Ginevra Weasley get in the way of him marrying this man. Fourshot. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Iustitia & Prudentia by skeptique Rated:  Explicit Words:  36302 Tags: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Post-Hogwarts, Post-War, Auror Harry Potter, Healer Draco Malfoy, Bisexual Harry Potter, Gay Draco Malfoy, Redeemed Draco Malfoy, Mental Health Issues, Everyone is going to Therapy, Taking their Meds, Calling Their Person, Slow Burn, Procedural That's Fairly Light on the Procedural Part, Canon Content Warnings Apply, brief discussion of infertility, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Discussion of Ongoing Food Related Issues, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Canon Typical Violence, Kidnapping, Confinement, Pansexual Theo Nott, Case Fic, Mystery, Draco Malfoy in Glasses, Minor Character Death Summary:  Draco Malfoy’s entire life fell apart after the War. He’s putting it back together as best he can with what is available to him. But Harry keeps interfering and won’t leave him alone. When he agrees to be an Auror consultant to help Harry, is it more than he bargained for? The world shifted under Harry Potter’s feet and he found himself lost and purposeless. He anchors himself in uncovering the truth about a dangerous pureblood terrorist group. Is Draco the key to solving these crimes, or is he a distraction? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 To Do No Harm by Lokifan Rated:  Explciit Words:  58114 Tags: Post-Hogwarts, HP: EWE, Quidditch, Getting Together, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Recovering From The War And Becoming Better People, Quidditch Player Harry Potter, Healer Draco Malfoy, Community: hd_erised, Break Up Summary:  Draco hadn’t planned to end up as team Healer for the Chudley Cannons, but it’s a Healer job, so he’ll take it - and then Potter shows up, the glorious centre-of-attention Seeker, as ever. And someone with a grudge is sabotaging Quidditch teams, and it’s only a matter of time before the Aurors’ eyes turn to Draco. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 To Prove We're Not in a Rut by gracerene Rated:  Explicit Words:  2140 Tags: Established Relationship, Post-Hogwarts, Healer Draco, POV Harry Potter, Bottom Harry, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Wall Sex, well it's actually against a door, Top Draco, Bottom Harry Potter, Top Draco Malfoy Summary:  Draco and Harry are not in a rut. Draco sets out to prove it. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Tell Me the End at the Beginning by harryromper Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  36591 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Post-Hogwarts, St Mungo's Hospital, Healer Draco Malfoy, Auror Harry Potter, Auror Hermione Granger, Christmas, Christmas Tree, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Christmas Presents, Christmas Decorations, 25 Days of Harry and Draco, Food Hall Turkeys, Advent Calendar, Healer Luna Lovegood, Kreacher, Minor Neville Longbottom/Ginny Weasley, Yule Logs, Misheard Christmas carols Summary:  St Mungo’s is the last place anyone wants to spend the festive season. Harry finds himself there anyway. Or: Harry's an Auror suspended from duty, Malfoy's wearing the hell out of three-piece suits, Hermione is entirely over everything, and Kreacher just wants to be left alone to decorate for Christmas. ❤️ Read on AO3

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #404

“death doesn’t answer when i cried for help”

The person you had the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? I'd be fucking devastated. It wouldn't feel real. Is there something you’re happy about at the moment? A few things. I'm still on that high of my APAP mask working, like I'm actually getting some fucking quality sleep, and I think I'm noticing the effects of my TMS therapy finally, too. My PTSD has most notably been much more bearable, and my interests are beginning to spread again. Do you want someone dead? No. Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? I mean yeah, I think that's pretty normal, even for someone without my issues. Have you ever fed or taken care of a stray animal? Oh, many times. What is something you tend to worry about? My health and future. What is something you do that is unhealthy? Sit at the computer for way too long. I'm absolutely certain my vision is as poor as it is partially because of me endlessly staring at screens. What is something you do that is good for you? I'm not afraid to prioritize my mental health. What last caused you to force a smile? I was watching a Mark video for the first time in a while and was just reminded of how much I love and appreciate that moron. What was the last video game you played? Was it fun? Because you said "video" game, I guess I'll exclude computer ones, in which case I'm pretty sure it was Silent Hill 2. Given it's one of my all-time favorite games, of course I think it's fun. It's one hell of an emotional ride. What is something not many people know about you? The fact I was a dancer for many years would probably surprise people once they have a good idea of me and what I like. What word describes your basic style? Lazy, honestly. I dress for comfort, and given that's usually just pj pants and a tank top... yeah, I don't put much effort into my clothing when I'm going most places. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? She kinda beat around the bush, but yes. Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? On more than one occasion. If yes, what convinced you not to go through with it? Well, I did OD once, but on the other occasions, it was the fear of the unknown that deterred me. Have you ever rejected a guy, only to have him push the issue by asking “why?” and insisting that you just need to get to know him better? Omg no, thank god. I would NOT handle that well. Is there something that you believe everyone should do and you can’t believe that some people don’t do it (e.g., recycle or go to the dentist regularly)? I didn't know 'til a survey question asked it that there are people who don't brush their tongue when brushing their teeth. Like holy shit dude, there are SO many germs on your tongue, clean that shit. Regarding the last good choice (healthy choice, kind choice, selfless choice, etc.) you made, what was your real motivation behind it? Ummmm the nearest that comes to mind is I guess taking my meds? I mean I do that every single day, but it's still a healthy choice for me. The motivation was because I am very serious about doing what I can for my mental wellbeing. What is something that you have had to practice at to get the hang of it? If you can’t think of anything, that’s okay, what’s something you are currently practicing at and trying to master? I really can't think of something for the first half of the question, but I can tell you that right now I'm attempting to force a routine of applying a therapy technique called "opposite action" into my daily life, where you, well, do the exact opposite of what your depression tells you to not do. It is WAY harder than it sounds, but I'm doing it with reading 30 minutes a day! Have you ever gone to the store to buy something, like a video game, when it came out at midnight? Not to my recollection, no. Regarding the last novel you read, was there a romance included? If so, was it central to the plot? The last novel I finished, yes. It wasn't central to the plot. Have you ever done relaxation meditations or listened to relaxation guides or positive-thinking/healing recordings? No, except in therapy when different therapists wanted me to experiment with it during a session. They just don't work for me. Do you have any interests that are also often shared by children? Yeah. Those are the one I'm especially self-conscious about. there something that could be a solitary activity but you really only like to do it with other people (e.g., watching movies, playing video games, etc.)? Watching movies or TV. Are you satisfied with the interior design or decoration in your home? Or do you think it needs a total home makeover? A makeover would be nice... Is there something that you’d like to own but you can’t find it anywhere? If not, can you a remember a time when you wanted something? Did you ever end up finding it or did you eventually stop wanting it? OKAY SO I actually have seen this custom-made once long after deciding I wanted it, but it was RIDICULOUSLY expensive. There's a location in the Silent Hill games called Heaven's Night, and I'd love love LOVE to commission someone to duplicate the neon pink sign of it to hang in my room. Hopefully one day I could still do it. Who makes you smile the most? Probably my cat, honestly. What piercings do you want/have? I've talked about the piercings I have, but I'll talk about those I want. My #1 is absolutely collarbone dermals, but as I've explained a billion times, I want to lose weight so the bones are more prominent for the sake of contrast; you can't really see my collarbones now, so I just think it'd look pretty dumb and random to just have random piercings somewhere around there with no dimension. I also want way more in my ears, dermals in my back dimples also once I've lost weight, my right nostril for the dozenth time (but this time I'll wear a hoop), and while I'd absolutely adore an undereye microdermal as well, it'd be pointless with glasses. :/ What's your favorite website? KM is my pride and joy and really feels like my online home, so despite using sites like YouTube more, that 'ole RP site has to be my fave. Do you own a fish tank with fish? No. I had fish bowls (AWFUL idea) as a kid, but never tanks Do you like the movie 300? Never seen it. Do you pop your knuckles? NOOOOOOOOOOO. I absolutely hate the sound. It makes me cringe and shiver. Do you have Photoshop? Yes. It comes in the Adobe CC photography bundle I have. Do you use tinypic or photobucket? I used Photobucket back in the day. Now I just upload to imgur. What’s your favourite song from the 1980s? You're talking to someone who adores classic rock/metal, haha. How about the 1990s? There are way too many songs to choose from. Have you won anything recently? No. How often do you make Excel tables? What for? Never. What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild? There was a poor fawn as roadkill on the highway recently. :/ Are you always available or online? Preeeetty much. Do you have dietary restrictions? Or do you just eat what you like? I can eat whatever. Do you prefer gold, silver or steel jewelry? Or no jewelry at all? Steel. I'm allergic to silver, and I think steel is more subtle than gold. Have you been binge-watching any shows lately? If so, what? No. If you dye your hair, do you do it yourself or go to a salon? I do it at a salon. If you have any, do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any. Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents? If they had a good reason, no. Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? As a kid I did because I thought Mom was meaner to me than my siblings, lol. What’s the best physical feeling in the entire universe? ........... This question is a setup lmfao. Have you ever grown a berry bush? No. Have you done something new to your hair recently? No. It's been the same for quite a while. I wanna dye it badly. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medication for it? I'm diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety, so yeah. I take Klonopin once and day and Ativan as needed for attacks. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? HA, the first thing to come to mind was being noticed by Mark by making a viral (in the community, anyway) gif of he and his doggy. I shit you not, I couldn't sleep for three days lmfao. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? That I gained fucking seven pounds in two months at my last doctor appointment. I wanted to scream. How often do you have late nights out? Never. I'm a homebody. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No. It would absolutely make me less productive. If you had the ability to change the weather, what would you change it to right now? Cool with a nice breeze, mostly clear skies, crisp air... That'd be nice right now. Is there something that you really need to do, but can’t seem to get motivated to do it? I say it all the time: finish decorating my room. It's funny, because I KNOW I'll feel more at home and cozy with my bedroom more personalized. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Paranormal Entity. The ending was... a lot. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? Not that I can think of. .-. I hope I can achieve some... Have you ever had food poisoning? No, thank God. What are you listening to? "The Man Who Made a Monster" by Dance With the Dead. Do you think there will be a WWIII? I find it inevitable at some point down humanity's future. People are too hateful for it not to eventually. Has anyone ever asked you if you were emo? Yeah. Has someone ever liked you that you never thought would? Maybe? Idk. In all honesty, can a person be too nice? Yes, in some instances. Has one of your friend’s boyfriends ever tried to cheat on them with you? Yes, when I was around 12. And I let it happen. It's one of my biggest regrets. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse? Of course it is. Emotional abuse can cut just as deep as some physical blows, or even deeper. Do you shop at Sephora for make-up? No. Zelda: Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I'm actually not into TLoZ. Do you own a rosary? I did as a kid growing up in a Catholic Sunday school. If you were homeless, how would you cope? If I had no loved ones in my life and no sign of things getting better, I'm honestly preeetty sure I'd end my life.

[learntolose]

A.    ＣＨＡＲＡＣＴＥＲ  ＩＮＴＥＲＶＩＥＷ.      [  repost, don’t reblog ]

𝙱𝙰𝚂𝙸𝙲𝚂.    

name.  Prince Robot IV

nickname. IV or Robot or if he’s undercover it’s Sir Robot thank you very much.

age. Fuck. Uhm. By the end of Saga maybe... like... 35?? don’t quote me on this. I might change my mind. All I have to go off is that it’s implied he’s relatively young to be a parent, and then that the kids seem like they are like 10 by issue 54.

species.  Robot (not the engineered kind, the kind from the Robot Kingdom, they practice sexual reproduction)

𝙿𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙾𝙽𝙰𝙻.

morality.  Neutral (I say this because he tries to be good, does some fucked shit, and then feels bad about it, but not enough to stop doing fucked shit) + he’s quit the war and isn’t on either side. Pretty neutral. 

religion.  None

sins.  greed / gluttony / sloth / lust / pride / envy / wrath    

virtues.  chastity / charity / diligence / humility / kindness / patience / justice  

known languages. He speaks Language... I don't think he knows any other. Probs not patient enough to really learn another language.

secrets.   Hm most of his secrets are probably emotional ones, since he’s not keen on sharing. 1. That he has horrible PTSD following his service, to the point of being suicidal sometimes. Listen it may not be a secret to you guys, but he actually doesn’t talk about it. 2. He’s terrified he’ll fuck Squire up because he’s so fucked up, and his own parents fucked him up. 

𝙿𝙷𝚈𝚂𝙸𝙲𝙰𝙻.  

build.   scrawny / bony / slender / fit / athletic / curvy / herculean / pudgy / average.  

height.   5′11′’ (i’ve decided, he’s average height for a male but not a giant)

scars / birthmarks.  He’s got a crack in his screen lol and also the top of his dead has a dent in it from when his dad hit him with his scepter lmao Also his leg was replaced because he lost it in battle, so there is a faint faint faint line around his upper right thigh.

notable features. The screen that is his head sgjdhkj. Otherwise, he is good at dressing himself. Nice aesthetic. 

abilities  /  powers.  His body possesses fluid powers. So most notably he turns one of his hands into an energy canon that he can use to.. maim people. lmao. But it can also hook up  to space ships?? So some kinda cybernetic sensitivity there with pieces of technology. Also he can use his screen to display his memories and show them to others.

restrictions.  The state of his mental health compromises him significantly. 

𝙵𝙰𝚅𝙾𝚄𝚁𝙸𝚃𝙴𝚂.

food.   He’s taken to living off the land and teaching his son Squire a more “simpler” way of living

drink.  Anything. Alcohol is blessed.

pizza topping.   He strikes me as a roasted tomato kinda guy.

colour.  Gray?

music  genre.  Bruh. Idk let me think.

book  genre.  Romance,, Action.

movie  genre.  lolol porn? I’d assume the same as above^

season.  Spring....

curse  word.  Anything colorful. He’s gotta an unending supply of nasty vocabulary

scent (s).  Clean (idk what he smells like yet i gotta think about it)

𝙵𝚄𝙽  𝚂𝚃𝚄𝙵𝙵.    

bottom  or  top.  I think this boy is a bottom lol

sings in the shower.  No.

likes puns. No.

tagged by.  @cursedfortune

tagging. @heroicimpulse @westernzodia @tigerstriped @empathicstars

[kpop-pick-me-up]

So, can I say something real quick about Kpop idols?

This has been a thought on my mind basically since I joined the Kpop community, and I know some people might react weird or not understand what I'm trying to say but that doesn't matter to me. Putting this out there does.

*ahem* NO KPOP IDOL IVE SEEN PEOPLE CALL CHUBBY IS ACTUALLY CHUBBY.*ahem*

Like for real. I see posts talking about how Suga's cheeks get chubbier on break, and how Haechan's cheeks have gotten chubbier, or "before" and "after" pictures of idols who have gone on a diet and people saying "I miss when they were chubby" like.... They never were and they aren't. This is just what they'd actually look like if they got a normal amount of sleep, ate like a normal human, and didn't dance for 4-12 hours a day. That's not chubby, that's how they'd naturally look.

Chubby, to me means that a person is slightly overweight, or that they're a healthy weight but naturally softer and can look more fuller. Which is all beautiful. And I'm aware this can be a culture difference because of how idols are expected to be thin and perfect but sometimes when I look at them I just think about how unhealthy some (not all) of them must be physically.

Because on a mini tangent: when someone eats so little amount of food for so long and is they are always in a caloric deficit (so let's say youre recommended amount to maintain your weight is 2000, but you constantly eat 1500, or 1200-1400 calories a day) their metabolism adapts so that it's natural state of burning to maintain IS 1500 or 1200-1400. So they'd HAVE to eat less to lose weight, or fix their metabolism by slowly increasing their food intake so their metabolism can adjust to a normal amount of food again. But to do that their weight would plateau or they'd even gain a little bit. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with an idol gaining weight or doing any of this, except for the fact that they'd be called "fat" by the media. Nobody actually seems to care about an idol's health. And imagine what calling them "chubby" does to them when it's just them eating normally. Why do you THINK idols always go on strict diets before a comeback? Because they know that if they eat normally people would know and call them chubby. And I'm not saying this offends them, but I know that I would feel so pressured and judged subconsciously to eat less and lose the "chubbiness" because the media must see it too if fans do.

And I know some idols don't care or even just say they don't care (but trust me, they probably do), and I know some of you guys don't mean to hurt their feelings and just mean to say it innocently, it still encourages this unhealthy mindset that all idols MUST be borderline unhealthy, and just BARELY a healthy weight or diet amount. This gives their employers a reason to make them do those crazy restricted diets (ice cube diet, or the IU diet for example) and force them to lose weight because they KNOW and SEE what you do as well, and can see when you comment on it.

To put this into a different perspective as well, as someone who's been struggling with an eating disorder, looking at really thin idols like Jimin, Suga, Haechan, etc who all weigh less than me and are taller than me and to see them called "chubby" kicked my mind into comparison mode and said "then I must be HUGE." Or "I won't ever officially be skinny or pretty until I weigh the same as them or less" because that's how a sick mind works. So not only does this infect the idols minds and encourage the bad mindset, but it can infect their fans minds to think that they aren't good enough.

I've never wanted to point fingers at this because I love it so much, but I can't be a fucking liar anymore and hide behind it because I want to get better, and I'm tired of believing that I'm too big, or that I'll always be chubby until I'm 90lbs like all the female Kpop idols. But sometimes the Kpop fandom can trigger my eating disorder. There, I said it. Fight me. Because you call thin idols chubby, and you implant this way of thinking that how they eat is okay, and that weighing 90lbs and eating 1200 calories a day is a lifestyle or that constantly restricting and not focusing on nutrients or what body type I am is how life works because IT ISNT. Some people may be that naturally, but the fact that some idols noticably change a little bit when they eat normally on breaks shows that how they are on stage isn't natural.

And to end this off as a disclaimer again, I know people don't mean to be triggering, and they don't think there's anything wrong in what they're doing (which I understand), but you also have to really take a second to think about what you're saying a little bit. Chubby is a word that is either black or white to people. Either they think it's cute, or they think it's an insult. That all depends on culture and self esteem and blah blah blah. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being chubby, or that it's a bad thing to be because it is definitely NOT and I think everyone is beautiful how they're meant to be. So of you're 90lbs or 140, or 180, or 200+ or anything in between naturally you're all still beautiful and have your own necessary standards to consume to be healthy that will be different from everyone else. However, that is where the issue lies. Because most idols weren't born as thin as they are, they are usually forced and conditioned to be that way. But to help you decide whether it's okay to make these comments, ask yourself this when you're about to call an idol chubby:

1: am I calling them chubby because they're "eating well" (a normal diet) and they've started filling out?

2:Would I like it if someone I loved, respected or whom I cared about their opinion called me "chubby" after finally getting off of a restricted diet and just eating healthy but normal amounts of food?

3: If I was a Kpop media outlet and saw that they gained weight, what would I write? (Really put yourself in their shoes and be honest.)

4: Am I calling them chubby cheeks because they're just puffing them out and being cute? (Then okay, it's fine)

5: when I say this, are they really chubby? Or has my mind been twisted to think they are just like their critics?

And I know that may seem extreme, but that's how it is. You all preach about how self love should be more important in the "toxic" Kpop industry but still subconsciously encourage its toxic behavior. So instead of comments like "omg your cheeks are so chubby now! <3" or "awwww look at his tummy he gained!" Say: "Omg, you look so healthy! ", " You've been looking extra cute recently 😍" and stuff like that. Because it still gets the point across that you like seeing them healthier, but it doesn't use possibly triggering words like chubby or thick because they are neither.

Anyways that's my mini rant. I don't mean to trigger people, or point fingers because I used to do it too. But I think we all need to collectively recognize this as part of the issue, and say, "huh, maybe that could hurt their feelings a little but EVEN IF I DONT MEAN TO, OR ITS NORMAL WHERE IM FROM TO SAY AS A COMPLIMENT"

Because as one of my favorite quotes puts it in words perfectly "You don't get to decide whether you hurt someone or not." So yes, people like me are sensitive, and yes, it may not seem like a big deal to you. But honestly I've sat by and respected all of your guy's opinions and words for a while now, and I think it's now okay for me to say "hey, this kind of bugs me a bit." Without being looked at as weird or annoying.

So in the nicest way possible, say what you want, but I'm not taking this down. I've made myself clear and as understanding as possible. But people like me who have an eating disorder, had one in the past, or are on the road to developing one, or someone who is about to start one of the insane Kpop diets, needs to know that this isn't normal. And they shouldn't compare themselves to the unhealthy kpop standards like it did.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my rant.

~DeepSheep

[book-of-ryker]

When the Navy found out I smoked marijuana, I was at a firing range. I had an M-4 and an M-9, one being an automatic rifle, the other a pistol.

They disarmed me immediately, and I remember knowing why they did.

In the twenty seconds it took me to walk over to the disarming barrel, my thoughts were, “Pull the pistol out, put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger” for as many times I could mentally repeat before I lost the opportunity. I called my dad while a Chief was on his way to pick me up.

After the phone call, I deleted all of my Facebook messages at the recommendation of my father.

All of my text messages. too. My dad swore the Chief wasn’t my friend, and would screw me over at his first chance and not to tell him anything, at all.

The deleted threads of conversations with people who either didn’t exist anymore, or we had stopped talking.

I must have chain smoked about fifteen cigarettes in the hour and a half it took for this Chief to arrive.

All the while, I had been wishing that I had the courage to just pull that fucking trigger.

That anxiety was unbearable.

I went to a DRB, which is where I stand in front of a bunch of senior enlisted military.

At first, I came in with my shoulders back , military discipline and all. At the end, I was escorted out by a compassionate Master Chief, and I was bawling.

I have wanted to kill myself for as far back as I can remember. I smoked weed because all of my pain in life is unbearable and my mind never shuts the fuck up.

I don’t understand reality the way everyone seems to and it’s isolating, like being in the dimension next door.

"Most everyone who doesn’t know me resents me. Most everyone who knows me tolerates me," I tell myself.

I sat outside and cried, blubbering to these senior enlisted folks.

As a Second Class Petty Officer with all of the skills that I had possessed. I was in the United States Navy for five long years, and nine excruciating months and two awkward days.

I had been to mental health multiple times in my  Naval career. The first psychiatrist that I ever spoke to was at NATTC Pensacola.

It’s not even six months of me getting out of the Navy now...

My present life finds me in this bed at some house in South Carolina, Like a muscle, those words stream across my mind like a teleprompter, “You should have died on that day. You should have fucking killed yourself.”

And for myself, I finally gave myself the courage to tell myself, “No.” "I love you for just who you are. I love the way you think, I love the way you handle thing[s] (most of the time ^.^), I love what you do. You have a very solid and strong mind, you think things through very thoroughly, and you have a very good outward perspective. I don't know if that helps, but that's the best I can come up with while working." Let me tell you what I think happened before I tell you why I think we should reconnect. I'm 26 years old and the one and only thing in my life that I regret, to this day, is what I once said simply to hurt you. I was an awful boyfriend for you. Not all of the time, obviously. But my only regret comes from when I said out of annoyance and irresponsibility, 'I guess you're going to have to celebrate Thanksgiving without your boyfriend or your mom.." You eyes glazed over me. You slumped over. And you sobbed. I walked towards you and hugged you because that sort of rage-to-regret is exactly the kind of Bipolar Disorder that I am used to. It's been my entire life, Nicole. It's all I have ever known. Albeit, the worst of it all is over and I'm just waiting for all of my hopes and dreams to bloom into the flowers I have been cultivating. The night we went to Twin Peaks was the night you said goodbye, even though you never did. You and I both are aware that we would come across each other someday, I think. I don't have any proof for that delusion/hope, but hey, I don't know everything which means I have unfettered access to being totally wrong and totally right, until one of us is deceased. I do remember being in absolute bliss that night we met up and you were drunk with me in the Whataburger drive through and that's about all I have for that. Mike and I moved out of the house because we wouldn't be able to renew the lease before I had to get my new job in the Navy. I moved into an apartment on the second floor and I got a dog named Itachi. I did loads of LSD that I'd gotten and I had a REALLY FUCKING AWFUL TRIP with Hailey Campbell (also tripping) and Rian Nobles (not tripping). I went to my grandmother's funeral in New York with my Dad and Alex. I found out that my photographic memory is real because I reminded my Uncle about the fit my brother went into at the LAST funeral we gathered. Which was Renee's. I lived with Lauren Teston for a long time after that. I started smoking weed because, Nicole, I didn't know what to do.. Everyone has always left me, and I only NOW understand why: me. But I didnt see it like that. It didn't feel like that.. It didn't feel like I had an emotional problem. I didn't know. But in retrospect, Nicole, my emotions felt like a chainsaw to my insides. Our breakup was the healthiest breakup for me, and it was also the worst. (2020 readers, it got way worse) I didn't leave for California until right before October 10, 2016. I was trained to be an Engine Mechanic by the Seabees and I learned a fuck ton about cars. I did more PT than anywhere else in my military career. Every Friday was a 4:30 A.M., seven mile run with the whole school. Really, it was a fourteen mile run, but it makes me sound less of a douche if I say seven, maybe. I came home on leave for Christmas and I smoked even more weed. I came back to California to finish my school. Byy the way, there were two onomatopoeia's in a barracks room together: Petty Officer Quackenbush and Petty officer Miao (this or 'mao' is also the Chinese word for cat") I left Port Hueneme after meeting Johnny Depp in L.A. I drove, for the third time, across the country. I was at Gulfport, Mississippi for a few months, learning combat procedures with the Seabees. I pissed hot in Gulfport. I wrote a poem that I'll attach later about what that was like. I went to some military proceedings, reduced in rank,  lost a lot of money, had to go to two different hospitals for one month. I first went to Garden Park Hospital for a suicide watch that I had been placed under after the military proceedings had broken me down to where I couldn't take it anymore. I bawled my eyes out to men I'd never met because I could no longer believe that people didn't care about me. I was suicidal given the circumstances, but I was suicidal before I ever got caught smoking. The only reason I smoked was because I didn't want to be suicidal. A 51 year old woman tells me at this place that she, "Would be surprised if I never heard of you again. I stayed at Emerald Coast Behavioral Health (This is when I called you in 2017) and I learned an entirely different way of living. I was told that I have Bipolar Disorder I, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, Osteochrondroma in the left knee. I was told a handful of tools to help myself become a better person. I then went to restriction, which is where a person is constantly monitoring me while I do nothing but work and survive. I did that for forty five days which dragged forever. I left. I stayed with my dad and I had a good first month out of the Navy. I was happy. I was excited and nervous and terrified. I smoked SO much more weed. I drank SO much more booze. And cigarettes. I was helping my dad build a deck in the backyard. My car was repossessed about one and one half months after getting out. I had nothing. I started working under the table as a contractor for a few months, but my mom and I got into a fight and I was kicked out of the house for the second and last time of my life. I moved in and slept on a friends floor. He had a bum knee from a recent surgery and so I quasi-morphed into his at-home nurse. Started doing dabs and malt liquor with friends. Eating popcorn for food, drawing outside for five hours, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. I did this for a month until my depression (booze) had become evil. I tried hanging myself on a dog line and I had to leave their house.. I stayed with my dude Sam for a few days and then moved in with my brother for a day. I feel nothing for him anymore, and so I really dont want to elaborate about this because he will always be a peace of shit. I went to a music festival that got shutdown by a hurricane. I got to do LSD/blow/weed for free because I was working security and I have worked with the team before. Hell, the guy in charge personally handed me $275 because of how badass of a watchstander I am. I then migrated to Asheville, North Carolina where my eyes were opened to the world we live in. And how great a thing love is, Nicole Renee Gable. But after this, I really had nowhere to go. That is until I remembered that I knew a guy from when I was in Japan.. We only ever really interacted in the smokepits. After he found out I had been sleeping on the floor of my friends house, he told me that if I was ever in South Carolina that he had a guest bedroom waiting for me. I lived with him and his wife and their son while I got a job as a forklift driver at BMW. I got another car (since been repossessed, not as debilitating for me now). I moved out and lived with a dude that I thought was a friend. He ended up being a real twat of a motherfucker. Before I knew he was a real dullard, I left BMW about two weeks of me living with him. It was too military.A HUGE millitary-industrial complex. He fucked me over so that I had nowhere to go and I didnt have a job. He left. I had the apartment by myself. It was a blur of events past that. Between the weed, the booze and the mental health issues, I am grateful to be writing this. This guy's stripper girlfriend (Her name is Sam and she's nice as well as bananas) came to find me in a fucked up mess of my own doing at the apartment. After I came to, she and I decided that I needed to check myself into a mental health center. With no insurance. I had only a few boxes of stuff (I drove down to Florida at one point to get my shit). After I was in for a week (I know what I'm about and the solutions I need), I got a job working as a cook in a strip club. The BEST job I ever had because I actually made some good money. (30 girls dancing in one night with $5 tips to me is a lot of moolah) However, I didnt make enough money to stay. I only made enough money to leave. I bought two edibles and had a nice relaxing eight hour drive to a friend's house in Pennsacola We had a personal falling out/disagreement. I worked as a line cook at Slimz at the Al Fresco in Pensacola. I saved up money to come out to California. I'm with one of my few best friends, Tymothy. Upon my arrival here, my car was repossessed (I bought in South Carolina, which is fucking crazy that they found me). My life is coming together though, Nicole. I am generally happy in my day to day lifestyle. I'm hoping to be officially retired from working for the rest of my life within this next year. It turns out that there was A HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE scandal in the Navy and I'm going to use my genius mind to collect the disability that I deserve. Monthly, that payment could land anywhere between $800-2900.. For the rest of my life. I have an amazing home loan that I will get to use once the ball has begun rolling. Nicole, I really dont think I love you as much as I should have and that bothers me. Not in a negative way, at all. It makes me feel like I need to write this email to you. Like I owe you more for what you gave me, Nicole Gable. You might not see it, Nicole. The only reason I ever went along with the mental health is so that we could have a healthy relationship together. Whatever that even fucking means as far as the definition goes. Hell, for all I know, you could be seriously dead or worse. You could be dating somebody.. 😝 I havent dated anyone quite seriously. I've been on a couple of dates here and there, but I just didn't/don't care. I hope that all of these women find someone that loves them as much as I know I can love you someday, if you could ever trust me... If you're with someone, I seriously hope they love you as much as space-time can hold matter and energy and light and dark matter. The greatest lesson I have learned since we spoke last is that we will live our lives from the shades of fear and the radiations of love. I love and accept myself now. I love myself exactly how you once loved me. I don't know where on this rock you are, but if you'd like to never have to work again, please reach out to me. I would be honored, if you would ever be willing. It's still going to be a few months, so you can think about this for awhile..? If you ever wanted to live in California with me someday, I mean. Hell, we could be roomates. You could wear chastity belts and Amish outfits all year round . I don't know anything.. I hope that this email finds you well. I hope it has given you smiles. I hope you have a blessed day. [Update]  It is now the year 2020.  I am.  The world is the world. Hell is hell.  We’re all stuck on a rock in the middle of nowhere.  If there’s someone reading this, be aware: you do not exist. This is my spaceship.

[harrowingheavens]

WHILE  MY  MUSE  PAGES  ARE  IN  PROGRESS  .

i really am trying hard to find the perfect muse page since i don’t wanna be lazy, but i’m still in the process of doing that while everything else is done, so here are my mains. my selective kids will be in another post. i won’t be posting my private muses for now since i don’t have to, but here are the open kids!

MAIN  .

hansel, bungee, and nemo ( fcs: jeonghan / svt, hoshi / svt, and elkie / clc ): they run a channel called firefly farm and do stupid things that probably end up hurting them or in danger of hurting them, also other things like generally idiotic behavior with a mix of different personalities. these are the main people of the channel, but there are other interns and editors / people who appear on their channel long term, but they are the original squad. hansel’s basically the dad / mom, bungee’s the impressionable brother, and nemo’s the crazy sister.

yomi ( fc: hani / exid ): she runs a popular custom seamstress shop. also often originally designs the clothes she makes for other people. in her ‘i’ timeline, she does underground work like running a system of escorts under the superiority of monarch mafia. in her ‘ii’ timeline or any other ones where it is not specified, she does not do other work than what included her shop. also?? the ‘yandere’ character thing is very ingrained into her character within ships.

koe and caspian ( fcs: vernon / svt and joshua / svt ): uni kids. koe is a drama and theatre student and literally will ignore his grades for it, but he is often forced to at least care a little. procrastination is basically him. caspian is his best friend and a major in literature. both of them are also instagram models who are connected to brands. caspian is a close friend of jeonghwa’s.

flore ( fc: the8 / svt ): ambiguous god of youth, flowers, and spring. also the symbol of nature and spring. because of his symbolism and concept, along with his effeminate behavior and opinions. everyone calls him the goddess flora, so there is debate on whether he is a god or goddess, which he is a full god.

sangwon and hyori ( fcs: sehun / exo and chaeyoung / twice ): sangwon is the ceo of yoo industries and his sister hyori is his executive assistant / secretary. both have different ways of overworking themselves, and both attempt to stop the other from overworking. they are also connected to monarch mafia as associates.

polaris ( fc: yooa / omgirl ): alien, but her species acts as a placeholder of existence. really curious about earth life and is VERY obviously an alien, but everyone just calls her weird and takes it with a grain of salt. no concept of personal space and very touchy. everything interests her. attends uni majoring in dance and drawing. friends with everyone so she knows everyone, also friends with lilith and admires her hard as fuck. basically a puppy and child and obvious alien in one body.

lance ( fc: taeyang / sf9 ): ceo of his family’s confectionery company and head of the ryu house as well. based very loosely on ciel from kuroshitsuji. thinks he’s better than everyone else, probably is. has a demon maid he’s made a connection with. former rivals and now associates of arson’s company. unidentified underground work.

arson ( fc: hwiyoung / sf9 ): ceo of the family’s toy company and head of the tang house. loosely based on alois, but it is very, very loosely based. also has a demon maid, and he’s very much a spoiled brat who throws tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants. isn’t afraid to harm other people. unidentified underground work.

jangmi ( fc: seolhyun / aoa ): counselor, specializes in family and relationships, but she covers a broader range of issues. kinda hypocritical because she herself doesn’t know how to maintain her own relationships. has major family issues. major workaholic.

niki and chey ( fc: zhengting / 9 percent ): twins. both are popular on social media for their salon works on their accounts and work accounts ( chey: sweetsinclair, nail artist / niki: soursinclair, makeup artist ). chey is really sweet and into pastel fashion.  she also bakes a lot. niki is kinda an asshole and doesn’t deal with bullshit. he’s also big into cooking and eccentric fashion and conspiracy theories.

nari ( fc: undecided for now?? ): starving artist that works at an art gallery as a janitor. used to have anger issues and has grown to be the softest soft you’ll ever know. pastel goth enthusiast. also volunteers at the local orphanage and does a variety of things there: including helping those with anger issues and helping them volunteer as well.

knox and halls ( fcs: minhyun / nuest and wanna one, jihoon / wanna one ): they run a youtube channel with two other people. knox also is a self-employed photographer, popular through his instagram. halls works as the assistant self defense teacher for self defense classes.

chanri and jaeun ( fcs: kang taeri / ulzzang and seungkwan / svt ): they are a paranormal investigator team that also works to help others get rid of the hauntings that plague them ( they ARE amateur exorcists, but that’s not something they do often so it remains amateur. usually it’s not them doing exorcisms because other people are certified and they only have the barest knowledge, but it has come to the point where they needed it ). chanri is the psychic medium of the duo; jaeun is the tech nerd out of the two. chanri also has a side thing of reading people’s fortunes, etc. does this when they work, too.

scottie ( fc: eunwoo / astro ): witch for hire. also works at yejin’s natural, herbal remedies shop. kind of a grouch. he has an older sister he’s very protective of. also has a huge reach of connections.

rikiya ( fc: kenta / jbj ): shrine familiar. with no connected landgod, he is lonely in the shrine his lady and goddess left once humans had abandoned them. he could be childish and immature, but he could also be manipulative ( and the range spans between minor to MAJOR ).

kairi ( fc: yves / loona ): gym teacher and tennis coach for a private school ( from kindergarten to high school ages ) for kids with behavioral problems. former special forces soldier. keeps that from the people in the school she employs within. the students love her, the staff loves her. she only coaches tennis, but she will substitute coach for other sports.

bomae and gun ( fcs: mj / astro and rocky / astro ): best friends and each other’s right hand man. bomae is doing emergency room nursing and gun works within his grandmother’s/uncle’s restaurant. both, though, as much as their parents hadn’t wanted them to, are quickly on their way to becomes very high-profile individuals within the underground world.

taemin and yumin ( fcs: taeyong / nct and chaeyoung / twice ): a government associated agent ( his organization also dips their hands into their own individual work ). close friends with kairi and also has a recommendation to place her within his team. emotional recluse and very aggressive in his social repellent. yumin is his sister, and they are on tense terms. she is a literature teacher, and she’s REALLY a big book nerd. she and taemin do not speak often. she also knows kairi and speaks to her sometimes. since yumin does not speak to taemin and taemin likes to keep it that way, kairi gives taemin updates on his sister. they are both estranged from other family members additionally.

charlotte and caleb ( fcs: nana / after school and jeonghan / svt ): cousins to taemin and yumin. charlotte is on tense terms with taemin, and caleb is a bit of a ditz and isn’t on tense terms with anyone. charlotte is an uprising direction that focuses on vagueness, beauty, femininity, and monstrosity ( brief desc ). caleb works as a match maker, using specific methods and practices that have helped many people. also has others working as socializers and counselors and customer reference in his building. charlotte and caleb are very close, and they speak often ( because caleb always wants to talk and he’s the ‘baby’ so she lets him ). they have enough of a relationship with their parents to have dinners every 3 months with them.

zen and jei ( fc: yanjun / 9 percent and huang zitao ): both are close friends ( along with bonnie who is in the selective list ). they all came to korea together from america and are always busy with work, whether it’s their model work or any other scheduling they have. zen is the dad, older brother of the 3, and jei is the spoiled brat. jei always tries to get people to buy food for him.

seong and theodore ( fcs: jae / day6 and wonpil / day6 ): both are childhood best friends who moved from america. seong is a trust fund prodigy genius that is working as a certified doctor at the age of 25, now 26. theo’s a church boy that goes to church and reads his bible :( he’s a tattoo artist, and he has a shit ton of tattoes on his arms and body in general. generally restricted to his mid section to chest, front and back, and his arms. he also has very fragile health as his immune system is not well. he stays with seong because his parents don’t trust him to be by himself with his health. and he doesn’t mind since seong IS his best friend. they live in a 4 bedroom house. theo gets looks when he wears his arms out and he isn’t self conscious about it, but there are times where people will comment along the lines of ‘your arms look like that and you're the son of a pastor????’ these comments make him uncomfortable. very strong in his faith.

meiqi, manchu, yuma, jaemin, elliot, and daisy ( fcs: elkie / clc, xiao gui / 9 percent, renjun / nct, mark / nct, mina / gugudan ): fraud squad. forgery. cover ups. faked accidents. general underground work you need done? they got it. manchu’s the boss man, meiqi’s the second hand. they all have a family like connection, but they do keep each other at arm’s length.

bones and hyde ( fcs: jungwoo / nct and lucas / nct ): boss man and right hand man of boss man of monarch mafia, which he stole from his biological father. brothers. they both work in hyde’s restaurant, but they are involved in the crime life. faceless leader of monarch mafia, no one knows what he looks like. hyde is basically his guard dog, and he does a lot of his dirty work.

jane ( fc: ren / nuest ):  member of monarch mafia. unashamed pretty boy with anger issues. don’t make him mad pls!! brute strength of monarch mafia. does a lot with issues that are or could get physical. no patience.

dakota and seongja ( fc: bang yongguk and kaeun / pledis ): tattoo artists and work with theodore. softies. all of them, esp theo. dakota also has a crappy immune system and gets sick easily as well as his health being very fragile at times. seongja is a fallen guardian angel / ‘fallen star’ and she keeps track of her person’s life while trying to curve their misfortune into something good. seongja and dakota are best friends.

taeri and taeun ( fcs: jiu / dreamcatcher ): blind twins. their parents are wealthy, but they never give their daughters much attention. they were raised by their grandparents basically. taeri used to stop other people from bullying taeun and does make rash decisions out of her anger. does a special program that will allow her to work as a teacher to those with disabling visual impairment. workaholic. taeun works as a library aide, and she also reads and teaches braille to the children that come for the lessons. she’s also very sof. they live together, but they constantly have aides visiting them to help.

eunja ( fc: jimin / aoa ): works as an online news author, working through an other website / company as well as her own blog. she travels a lot as well. though, currently she’s working and helping at an orphanage her friend and friend’s mother is bringing back. she balances this and other work. basically a puppy? always hyperactive and has energy to spare. very open about her opinions, but she doesn’t like to dissatisfy other people. also a witch that has an affinity for time and relativity, space and matter, etc.

[lqnar]

these past few days i have had several coworkers make incredibly uncomfortable, triggering and weird comments about food, weight and eating. i just need to vent tbh. i’ll write what they said so read w caution lol

we work in fast food. the only relatively ”healthy” (i’m not here to judge but most food is dripping in oil and is objectively not great food to eat all the time) food you can get from this place is bagged fruit or some pickles. still, many employees eat food from the restaurant every time they work, which is fine but i feel like it makes people feel the need to prove that they’re not fat, unhealthy or overeating? like i do not give a Fuck if you eat a burger and fries every day or order a milkshake, but yeah no go ahead and tell me how fat you’re going to become, i Love hearing all about it :) best part is that i have to punch in my manager code every time an employee orders food, so i hear multiple small comments like this a day. love it.

then there’s two specific coworkers i have who cannot shut the hell up. one constantly talks about how little she eats. ”i did not eat at ALL yesterday, i haven’t eaten in two days!!!!!!” 1. i don’t care 2. but you literally ordered two chicken burgers from me 30 minutes ago doesn’t that count lol.

then she’ll go on about how she doesn’t eat enough and that she’s feeling sooo weak and hungry. if that’s the case, please ask for an extra break to go eat something or go home. but don’t tell me about how starving you are.

she also likes to tell me, someone with very obvious self harm scars all over my arms, about how she has cut herself. just as a ”i’m so sad” thing, out of nowhere. great, also i barely know anything about you but please tell me more about your declining mental health. i know this sounds heartless of me but from my perspective i cannot see how this behaviour would have ANY good intentions. i am not her support system, i am an overworked fast food employee trying to get through the day. i can try to be as supportive as possible but i cannot fix her issues and i am not the person to tell or ask for help from. if i ask her to hand out an order i am not mentally prepared to hear about her personal life and issues she is facing, i’m sorry but it’s not the time or place and i am not her therapist.

then there’s this guy who has no idea what’s socially appropriate to say about food, apparently. this week he has said several comments about how fattening the food is while ordering, talked about how he is on a diet so now he’s drinking zero sugar soda, said he shouldn’t eat at work because it’s sooo bad for you, and just the other day told me that he has to lose weight and tried to SHOW ME his supposed fat rolls that he needs to get rid of by lifting up his shirt. i told him i don’t want to see it and that it’s inappropriate but he kept doing it so i just walked away. also he keeps eating ice cream (in front of guests no less) and saying it doesn’t count because he has a sore throat. idk. he has said inappropriate things in the past but this past week it has been a lot of it.

i understand that this sounds concerning and that i should probably try to help him. i have tried to talk back against these negative thoughts and be supportive, but at some point i just cannot deal with it. it is inappropriate, i get triggered and from what i can tell he does still eat regularly at work and doesn’t restrict calories while at work. i know that doesn’t mean he has no issues, but again i am not his therapist, i am his coworker and i cannot help him more than i already am trying to.

i am more sensitive than most people when it comes to talking about food, but i truly do believe that these kinds of thoughts should be kept to yourself for the most part unless you have permission to talk about it, such as with a therapist, your support system who you know can and wants to hear about it, and even this subreddit.

i am not perfect but i Never tell anyone at work what i eat/don’t eat, when i eat/don’t eat, if i’m hungry/not hungry or about my body image issues. i understand that it’s inappropriate and that it can be harmful for others to hear about my eating disorder. i am also embarrassed by my disorder and have no need to tell my coworkers about it for sympathy, attention or concern. i might not be a perfect person who never does anything to hurt others but i don’t want to cause others to be triggered by my own personal issues. especially not at work, to my collagues i am not close friends with, where we just need to serve burgers.

these people are adult human beings. they should know better. i am so fucking tired of it and i wish they would shut up about the morality of food forever. that’s it

[fossadeileonixv]

Mercato Madness: The Final Say

One thing is certain, you are not to soil this man’s name in this here house.

So the summer transfer marker of 2021 is over. 

Let’s take some time to rejoice.

Since banter officially began way back in the summer of 2012, I can recall few players, events, coaches, matches that have divided Milanisti quite like this market. We have some that are singing high praise for Maldini’s ability to capture eleven new players on an 80 million euro budget. Then we have others ridiculing a transfer strategy that culminated in Junior Messias as the answer to the right wing issue, hours before the window closed. The human condition is manifold, reason a flawed and subjective invention, and as such a definitive manichean yes or no, good or bad solution or explanation for nearly anything we can perceive and comprehend is inherently out of reach. The summer 2021 transfer market is no exception. It can be seen as both a failure and a success and it would be difficult for me to argue in favor or in opposition to either position, resolutely. 

To highlight this point, I’m publishing a Twitter DM convo between Mike and I, which I think also kind of covers how each of us feels not only about the players, but the strategy in general. Mike is more optimistic than I, but after re-reading this a few times, I can’t even disagree with him:

TR: I'm trying to just put my faith in Pioli and hope that Brahim lights shit up. Minus this, I'm not even mad at the moves per se, but more experienced or creative minds could have done more.

MIKE: We still desperately need an AM. To me that is the difference between a good window and not.

We replaced Donna, held onto Tomori and Diaz, added a LB, bolstered the midfield with Bakayoko and brought in what could be a 20+ goal scorer in Giroud. That's not bad.

TR: Ya I dunno. RW/AM were like the two areas I expected to be addressed with quality and early and here we are

MIKE: We also brought in Florenzi and Messias as band aids at RW. Not that I'm thrilled with either.

That all being said I think we are at a solid 7; get me an AM and we are at an 8.

I think people are really underestimating how much we needed another striker to go with Ibra and just how good Giroud is gonna be.

TR: It isn't a terrible market and the MF depth is huge, I just think we coulda done better.

Giroud is gonna be great, there is no doubt in my mind. I don't see how Zlatan regains his starting spot tbh, because I also don't see us playing with 2 strikers

MIKE: Also, Maignan for peanuts is a coup. Look at the keepers at the other top clubs in the league.... Ospina, Handanovic, Reina, Szcezny.....

We may very well have the best keeper in the league again

TR: We could. Oddly kind of a low bar which is weird when you think about how stacked the league was with keepers 3 or 4 years back

MIKE: I think he's levels above those guys.

TR: We’ll see.

MIKE: If Leao WOULD SHOW UP AND BE WORTH 40 MILLION we could live with whoever plays on the right. Amazing how he gets a free pass while folks run Castillejo out of town.

LW was trash last year yet the RW was the problem? We've but 10s of millions into that area and gotten fuck all. I don't get it. We paid 9 for Casti and 4 for Saelemaekers and they catch all the hate?

Sorry I'll climb off my soapbox.

TR: LW was at least productive, statistically. Samu was a net 0 and Saele is just not a good enough finisher to play that advanced. Also, we paid like 24m for Casti.

I get it. I gripe about players all the time, but there are certain ones like Saele and Samu where its like, this is as good as they can get. If you're unhappy with it, that's someone else's problem. I think the difference with Leao is that Leao's ceiling is literally world class so the patience is and should be a bit longer.

MIKE: What I don’t understand is people think these rumors m an we had a chance at these players or that somehow Maldini failed.We are a mid level team that made the CL for first time in years. We are barely relevant. Certainly not a destination.

The days of a guy like Sabitzer having a great euros and coming here are loooooong gone.

TR: My counterpoint top that is that mid-level teams playing for nothing are signing quality. Villa signed Emmy Buendia. Wolves signed Sanches. Roma signed Tammy. James/Bernardo, I never really expected but players the level of Vlasic were certainly within our reach.

But again, my issue is more the plan. Taking younger players that can't break into Chelsea and Madrid is fine here and there, but it isn't a transfer strategy. They pay a lot of lip service to the RB model but can't land the sort of players necessary to make that work.

MIKE: I’m sorry but there’s no comparison between us and even a mid level EPL team.

The spending power and attraction of those clubs is light years above us. All we can do is hope they are dumb enough to pay 25 million for Cutrone.

25 million is nothing to them

TR: Spending power sure, but there are a lot of players that don't care for the league or the country (weather/food/family/ etc.) otherwise these clubs would be thriving in tourneys like Europa and they don't. 

I've been telling my brother that the model is the right one, but the coach, owners, and directors aren't really qualified enough to make it work. They are however, good enough to finish top four in Italy if all goes right.

And we've sucked for a decade, but players generally hate leaving Milan barring some kind of real personal thing.

The attraction, I believe, is still there. They just don't really have a coherent plan.

And look, the situations were bad, and I hate to beat a dead horse, but arguably two of your three most valuable assets walked out for free. One to a rival. I can't think of a real-life business comparison but that is a reallllllyy bad screwup.

MIKE: I can. You let older workers go and hire replacements at a third of their wages. Happens all the time

TR: But if you could have sold those older workers....

Well, that's slavery, nm. but you get my point.

The four ounce glass has two ounces of water, this we can be sure of. On one hand, we are definitely half full. We’re undoubtedly good enough to compete at a high level as indicated by our second place finish last season and first two games this year. This is as complete a team as we have had since the beginning of banter, and the work that management has done so far is admirable considering the restrictions. Mike is correct in that we aren’t in a financial position to acquire world-class talent, so names like Bernardo, Sabitzer, or even James aren’t quite our reality yet. 

But we’re definitely half empty. Big Mike looks the part so far, but sorry Don-haters, he is not at good as PSG’s backup. In fact it would be difficult for me to say that we are substantially a better starting eleven than the one that huffed over the finish line last season, sans maybe Giroud. We’re good enough to finish top four, but it isn’t wild to think of scenarios where we finish anywhere between fifth and seventh. We have depth in almost everywhere, but we also accrued that depth at the expense of two positions that were burning for quality. And while we can’t flex and grab the names mentioned above, you do have to think that with a little more cunning, a bit more panache, and better negotiating skills, we could have done a bit more to make those odds of finishing 5th less likely.

But who is to say? It’s done, thankfully. And now it is time to enjoy the ride. So with our respective thesis’ laid out, let’s rate and speculate with a few questions and answers on the mercato by Mike and I!

MIKE LISI’S THOUGHTS

Biggest coup: Maignan for 14 million. He might already be the best keeper in the league and no one misses Donnarumma. On top of that, Maldini showed that he won't be bullied by the backup keeper for PSG.

The Biggest Surprise: Giroud. I bet he scores 20 goals.

The Biggest Oversight: The attacking midfield spot. Runner up is CB. Kjaer’s health worries me and we’re a little thin at that spot.

Overall Rating: 8/10; Maiagnan, Tomori, Torre, Bakayoko, Florenzi, Brahim, Adli, Pellegri, Giroud. All we lost was Hakan and Donnarumma and we have easily improved each of those spots. No complaints really. Also, we only spent 70 million. Between Hakan and Donnarumma we would have spent that much on their salaries alone.

Are we a better team than last year: Hell yeah we are better. Last year I think we greatly overachieved to finish where we did. This year I expect us to be top 3. Big difference in my mind.

TEEN ROCKETT’s TAKE

Biggest coup: Giroud. Unlike Mike, I won’t be surprised if he scores 20. I think for the price, the return is going to be higher than any other player we purchased this season.

The Biggest Surprise: Junior. I am letting my romanticism for his story cloud my judgement, but considering what he did with Crotone last year, I don’t think it is inconceivable we get five or six goals and a few assists platooning with Saele.

The Biggest Oversight: Not solidifying RW and AM. I just really don’t understand how we waited until the dying hours to address one and chose to take a considerable gamble putting the load all on Brahim for the other. Runner up will be not selling Kessie and or Romagnoli. But talk to me this time next year.

Overall Rating: 6.5/10; I am impressed with what we did for 80 million and I think we are a more rounded team, with depth in almost every position. We did a good job balancing youth and veterans. Additionally, moves like Pellegri, Traore and Clinton (the latter two being youths) are the kind of moves that get me excited for the future. But while I think we’re capable of about the same point total as last season I’m not sure we did enough to beat out Atalanta, Juve, Inter and to a lesser extent Napoli, and yes I’m saying it without really believing it, Roma. And from a strictly business standpoint, not capitalizing the Don and Hakan departures were massive mistakes. There’s no way around that.

Are we a better team than last year: We’re more complete. We will see what that translates to on the pitch. I’d have a tough time saying that we are out and out better, but if not, we didn’t take a step back.

Allright Leoni. That’s that. In the damn books. Sound off below and feel free to hit us with your own biggest coup, biggest surprise, major oversight, overall rating, and whether we are better or not.

[relationshipcrimes]

i’ve been doing some thinking. here’s an expansion of what i mean by “more talk of ed behaviors and mental health”, which i put here because qed chapter 58 goes in hard on that.

anyway, my thoughts on depictions of ED are: i’ve promised no numbers, and that remains true. i dont see any reason for any depiction of EDs to share numbers, i don’t see what they do for an ED narrative other than potentially trigger every reader with ED history, and i’m sticking to those guns. numbers can be validating to “how sick” you are, but the same logic invalidates a lot of people who are indeed very ill at healthy weights.

this being said, we could class simmons’s shit into five large categories, which obviously often overlap: (1) overthinking, (2) obsession, (3) behaviors, (4) physical/biological parts of mental illness/malnutrition, and (5) patterns of thinking.

i’d rather not do a whole spiel about which of these affect the others (hint: they all affect each other all the time constantly), because i’m trying to speak directly to how these are depicted. the first and second are done in terms of stylistic choices--formatting, frequency of topics, descriptions, word choices, what simmons fixates on and notices, etc. the biological roots of EDs, particularly in the ways that malnutrition, starvation, and junk food affect the other three elements, mostly have to be mansplained via the narrator and/or what simmons is already aware of.

as for behaviors--the ones i’ve stuck simmons with are intended to be odd, unusual, nonsensical, and disordered in the literal usage of the term (literally, out of order). more to the point, i’ve stuck him with behaviors that won’t lose you any weight if you follow them, if you’re looking for “ana/mia tips and trix.”

i also try to select noncompetitive behaviors, ones that don’t make anyone feel bad about their own. in terms where they fall on the disordered spectrum, they range from the strictest restriction to straight binging to even moments of no real symptoms at all. i’ve brought a variety, and all of these symptoms, no matter how “mild,” are all equally valid and distressing, if you’re wondering about yourself and comparing your own symptoms to his. a small clog in your sink vs having a large clog in your sink still essentially means that your sink doesn’t work, and that’s real fucking annoying, in my opinion. (but it also might be cool to try and not diagnose your sink based off a fanfic.)

which brings me to the thing i actually want to talk about: the patterns of thinking involved.

the narrator of this story can only roast simmons for his dumbassery so far. no matter the biological, physical, social, emotional, or mood disordered issues that intersect with this, his patterns of thinking are the ones best showcased in a story where he’s speaking to an audience for two thousand words about his own stupidity every chapter. the story was designed from the start to do that.

they’re destructive patterns of thinking, but unlike calorie counts, weights, “purging tips,” or disordered behaviors, i can’t censor these. simmons’s dumbshit logical fallacies are the backbone of the story. the patterns of thinking he has aren’t unusual or restricted to EDs, and they take many behavioral forms and show up in many people without EDs, but they remains destructive and reductive of human growth if they’re believed. im trusting you guys to know that simmons is not a narrator who’s entirely truthful in his self-report and not a person whose world-views or self-beliefs are necessarily to be believed. he’s never, ever been a character that you’re supposed to trust the logic and thinking of, let alone emulate as an example, and this applies here, too.

case in point is this chapter, hence my soapbox: simmons has a lot of hidden assumptions, beliefs, and judgments when he views his own eating behavior and everyone else’s around him. these patterns of thinking cause him distress insofar as he’s aware he’s doing it, and also stresses himself out on a more general level. he says awful things. he says things that are wrong. he asserts standards of eating/food that are not true, and should not be believed. his relationship with food is full of garbage and is also fucking whack.

so that’s what’s going on. if “graphic depictions of being a bully to yourself over your eating” will be an issue, it may be best to close this browser window, and know that i love and support you.

and if you use the patterns of thinking here as meanspo or other inspiration of how to engineer/exacerbate an eating disorder to "get skinny lol," i will come to your house and shit in your mouth.

[coffeeaddict201]

Fuck it

I'm gonna go into some personal shit that might upset some people or you might just not want to read it. Whatever.

I AM NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY OR ANY ATTENTION WHATSOEVER

I'm typing this so I will be held accountable for what I am about to say.

For the past nine months or so, I've been struggling with my weight and body issues and the like.

I'd call it an eating disorder, but I have never been to a doctor about it and therefore have never been officially diagnosed with anything.

It started about 15 months ago, I should say. When I got to college for freshman year. I didn't pack any food for my room, and was therefore solely reliant on the food in my dining hall. I also joined the soccer club, and while I did play soccer in high school, this club was a much higher commitment. So because I went to the dining hall twice a day, that's when I ate.

Put simply my calorie intake was abruptly cut in half and the amount of exercise I was doing pretty much doubled.

I started visibly losing weight. In May 2016 (before college) I was 175lbs. The first thing I noticed was that I could see my collarbones. I was ecstatic.

By January, I had dropped about 20 lbs and I was loving it.

At this point I still didn't care what I ate or how much I was exercising.

Spring break, March/April. At the end of the break, my mom and I go to my grandma's house. She has a scale there, and I decided to weigh myself.

I was at 157 lbs and I was devastated. I had gained weight and I was so worried that I would keep gaining weight.

That's when I downloaded a fitness tracking app which lets you log exercise and food intake so you can count calories. I set it up and for the first time ever, had a daily calorie intake of 1200.

1200 is the bare minimum recommended for women.

I followed it, restricting my diet (and still playing club soccer)

I got home early May, weighed myself again and discovered that I was down to 144!

Over the summer, I exercised a ton and continued to restrict my diet. I drove my coworkers mad every time they saw me counting calories.

If I felt like I ate too much at lunch, or maybe I allowed myself some dessert I would feel guilty and try to skip dinner.

This happened a couple of times over summer. It would take me about two hours to remind myself how utterly stupid that was, at which I would walk downstairs tell my parents I fell asleep, and eat some dinner.

It was in August when I realized I wasn't exercising to get stronger, but I was doing it to punish myself for eating.

I realized what I was doing and immediately cut the exercising I was doing in half and increasing my calorie intake to 1500

At this point I weighed 137 lbs

I'm getting better, right?

So I go back to school in the fall, and because of class schedules it's hard to exercise often, but I still manage it anywhere from 2-4 times a week. And I'm still counting calories.

I tell my friends 'no of course I'm not trying to lose weight' and I told myself that too

I guess it's true, I'm not trying to lose weight anymore but I'm terrified of gaining it.

I can't weigh myself while I'm at school, I have no easy access to scales. So I measure myself instead. You know, bust-waist-hips. I'd look up the measurements of favorite celebrities and see where I compared to them.

My measurements currently stand at 35-28-35

At this point, I'm scaring a friend of mine. He doesn't really know how to bring it up so we don't talk about it often, but he has mentioned that I lost weight and I need to eat more. I also tend to skip meals when I need to study for an exam, and while I do have food in my room this year it's only crackers which don't add up to a real meal.

The in September, there was a death in my family so everyone gathered for the funeral. My uncle mentioned how skinny I had gotten.

A couple weeks go by, I had been eating normally, even allowing myself dessert. I was getting ready to go see that uncle and my grandma for my grandma's birthday. While packing I looked in the mirror and I was convinced that I had gained weight. Absolutely 100% convinced. Only to get to my grandma's and have my uncle tell me the opposite, that I had actually visibly lost weight in the three weeks I hadn't seen him.

I got on the scale, I weighed 133lbs

That was mid October, I haven't been able to weigh myself since.

It made me happy, I was eating what I wanted and eating dessert almost every night and I was still losing weight! Though even with dessert, my calorie intake rarely went past 1500

Getting better?

It's amazing how one tweet can derail everything.

I'm home for the holidays, and I see a tweet by a guy I really like and admire. In the tweet he's talking about how much weight he has lost since going on his diet. And the way he is talking reminded me of the way I was last summer. I tried to move past it, but I couldn't. I guess you could say I was 'triggered.' That was about a week or so ago, I guess.

Since then I've been even more obsessive about what I'm eating and how much I'm exercising. Today I did over 240 crunches among other things because I allowed myself some chocolate.

Yeaterday I only allowed myself 1000 calories.

I was punishing myself again. I realized this. I went into the NEDA tag on tumblr for a while, I also went into the anorexia tag. I go into the anorexia tag to scare myself, I don't want to be as skinny as those girls, I don't want to see my ribs any more than I already can. The NEDA tag helped me realize that I may actually have anorexia, and I don't want to. So, before I wrote this post I deleted the app that I used to track calories, and I unsubscribed from all the emails I would get about fitness and health tips. And now I'm writing this post.

This got a lot longer than it was supposed to, I'm sorry.

The accountability part,

January 13th, that's my deadline for this.

I'm not going to count calories

I'm going to eat what I want, WHEN I'm hungry, no more saying to myself 'wait till dinner' I'm allowed snacks.

January 13th is the next planned trip to my grandma's. there I will weigh myself and see how life is going.

During this I will continue to exercise, but I will not overdo it and I will be following the fitness goals rather than calorie goals. In fact I will cover up the calorie counter on my Treadmil with a sticky note.

I will do all of this, and I will post again on January 13th.

This got a lot longer than it was supposed to, sorry.