#my head gets so dark sometimes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

flylikejetstreams · 1 year

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#omg!!!!!!! want to D word!!!!!!#i know its human nature and friends drift apart but ... IT ! HURTS !#because its far deeper than us not getting along anymore #like. why am i not prioritized. why am i not good enough?#why does it feel like everyones ashamed of me all of the time #im not popular or cool so i will forever be the secret friend #amazing #anyways. deleting in a sec.#just needed to vent and have no one to tell this to #i vented to my irl earlier but i just feel weird telling her stuff like this #my head gets so dark sometimes #i feel better than i used to but little things like this will always upset me more than the average person #because of things ive gone through in the past #lol #okay im done for real

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lucabyte · 7 days

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transfem loop + siffrin... you agree

i does agree.... i does in fact ... write a 7k word essay on the subject..... if you would like to perhaps click that link and read it if you were not already aware...... kisses u on the forehead......... sorry its that long but i had to cover all of my bases you know how it is with textual analysis when you're trying to draw a distinction between "headcanon" and "reading of the text" because those are different things.... to meeeeeeee.......

#a headcanon is when i say shit like loop has feetie pyjamas.#a reading of the text is when i go jesus christ dude im not sure someone that repressed has a particularly great grasp on their ideal Self #lucabytetalks #isat spoilers #back on the homestuck tangent sometimes i think about how ppl picked up on the trans coding of roxy but were so set in their ways that #they thought it mustve been in the past and not a potential future... and then got real mad about a character being like.#complexly transmasc with a nuianced relationship to gender and not Easily Brushed Off Before The Narrative Begins Binary Trans Woman #one of the few times i think ive seen it be That way around? but i think it comes down to that whole. visible transgenderism happening #during the plot vs Invisible transgenderism that shh its okay you dont have to actually think about you can just say for brownie points #BUT MAYHAPS THAT IS MEAN. mayhaps that is mean. but i know what i saw back in the day.#sighs homestuck tangent over anyway uhhh yeah hold on isat fans ill throw you a new bone instead of getting off topic uhhh #isabeau seems like such a pragmatic planner to me i think theyve got contingency plans for whatever family they want to have in future #logical nerd with his transition timeline planned out and it includes a flowchart with an 'IF partner has X then i need Y to have a kid'#shrodingers op isabeau . guy with a gender spreadsheet and punnet squares. i think it being that methodical is funny #it also speaks to his occasional hesitance but thats too dark of a read i think im not going to stake anything serious on that #i have thoughts on isa but they're more obviously aligned with what he literally says with his words in-game. not really much worth #elaborating on besides poking at how his insecurities and appeasement to others might inform his literal decisions #i have maybe a few bullet points in my head for him. not 7k words

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lunaelume-n · 5 months

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#does anyone else here feel like this show is sometimes too heavy for them?#i mean that the themes themselves are dark but also that it brings up really really dark and heavy things within you?#i know i am not the only one who’s had this kind of fandom experience and i want to talk openly about it #i’ve been an unsafe and cruel person in my past and i need to talk about it so i can let it go so it can stop swarming around in my head #i don’t want to be a cruel or hurtful person my heart is too heavy for that #i am going to talk openly about it in therapy too #but i’m tired of feeling really alone in this because that’s not helping me to get out of my head #hannibal #nbc hannibal #hannibal lecter #will graham #hanniblogging #hannigram

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broodygaming · 4 months

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I'm listening to the audiobooks of the His Dark Materials series again. I've read / listened to them many times but not for a few years.

Gods it's just hitting me again how awful what's happening to the kids in the first book. It's always awful, but I always forget how scary and visceral it is. You feel the fear and the finality and the tragedy of it. It's hard to even comprehend because we don't really have an equivalent in our world, right? Like maybe traumatizing a child so deeply they're never the same and then die. Die from sheer trauma to their spirit and body.

And it's just hitting me that they not only.... so deliberately ruin these children. They leave them out in the cold frozen woods to slowly die. They just. I can't even put it into words. They just ruin them and throw them away. They kill them and then kill them again.

Of all the characters in this vast series of names and places and tragedies and injustices - this little boy named Tony and his Ratter really weigh on my heart. Your alcoholic absent mother may not remember you in this fictional world, but in this real world I know I will.

#his dark materials #golden compass #the golden compass #philip pullman #one of the first more adult fiction series' i read as a kid #big place in my heart for teaching me the concept of accepting #that life isn't fair sometimes and sometimes there just is NOTHING you can do about it #and you have to accept it and it's better to face your fear head held high #if you're in pain accept it don't fight it you're only making it worse #and sometimes you don't get a happy ending and that's just life #it's not always fair and bad things will happen to you and you should try to keep living your best #entropy is inevitable and it's okay to accept that #you know the so you want to be a wizard books by diane duane taught me a similar lesson about entropy

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reesescuffs · 6 months

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Her!!!

Ended up not mothing her because the sketch pre erasing was to busy

Yes I did decide to do the shady bits like that because of a brush Krista has because I thought it looked silly 💪😼

#3 out of three of my friends agreed she is very creature #so yay!!#her little antennas are supposed to be like the things on the wardens head #Id kike to think she probably looks a lot more like a warden than this and that this is her little human cosplay for talking to people #if that makes sense #so yeah #my draws #mcyt #ldshadowlady #sos smp #I couldn't find a way to incorporate the bow thing on her skins so I went with the heart #cause. Hard core server #she literally lives right next to the deep dark. She went there in ep 1. She build her base withn sculk blocks.#she is creature #sometimes I wonder if people read all of the tags I put cause theres a lot usually #sorry abkut the alt i tried to explain with out it being to long but also without being to vauge?#<- if you have feed back let me know i wanna get bettrr at doing alts #😵‍💫#the dress was not supposed to be as form fitinv as it ended up so im chocking it up ti the rib corset thingy

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stardust-sunset · 1 month

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(vent in the tags and under the cut. don’t read if you don’t want.)

sometimes i wonder if people would care if i was gone. there’s just no point anymore tbh.

#tw sui ideation #its honestly just been going through my head for a while #the past two weeks my parents haven’t talked about anything besides my brother #i kinda just feel like i’ve been forgotten in a way #i just feel lonely i guess #and i hate it #it’s just one of those days where i feel lethargic and just numb frankly #and i’m tying to keep posting because it’s not fair that others who don’t give a shit have to read my vents #but i just can’t do this anymore #i’m going through a lot rn #between yesterday and my dog being sick and school starting and my grandma getting surgery and having to move in with my family #it’s all just a lot rn #and sometimes i just think about it and i just hate it #i hate having dark thoughts like this #i’ve been my only therapist because i can’t talk to my parents #i can’t talk to them about this stuff or they’ll just give me the “you can be sad but you can’t pack up and live there” bullshit #I DIDNT FUCKING ASK FOR THIS #that pisses me off so bad #i didn’t fucking ask to have suicidal thoughts?#sometimes i’ll just choke myself with my dog’s leash as a form of punishment because it just makes me feel good #atp i don’t care if i go too far because it’s not worth it anymore #it just doesn’t feel like life’s worth living #there’s nothing to enjoy or look forward to atp #i just need a friend #i’m so tired of being there for people and then having to turn back to myself when i have an issue because im too cowardly to open up #i’m scared #i don’t have it bad like i don’t know why i feel like this #i have a good life #i’m just being a brat #i dunno

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daily-sloop-john-b · 3 months

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I want to see Harry Dresden as Tav. Give that wizard a gun. Have him be the token straight amongst the bisexual disasters. Let him make references none of the other tadfools understand.

He's gonna be real dubious about all the hot goddesses trying to fuck them over. Let him grab a beer with Gale and be like, 'depression year after your wizard hubris caused your girlfriend to break up with you, and you've spent a year alienating yourself from everyone but your cat? yeah, I've been there, buddy.'

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #the dresden files #harry dresden #probably have harry go over sometime after Summer Knight but before he really gets involved with Mab #because otherwise he'd probably too busy focusing on getting home to his daughter to just fuck around #and he'd be like #'oh. i have something in my head causing me to develop dark powers? like a fallen angel or a daughter maybe? gee --#-- this has never happened before. wonder if i'll survive.'#i would kill to see Harry and Gale debate magic theory #because Gale would be *so sure* he knows everything #but then all the words Harry'd use would be wrong #Gale: 'what is a ''flickum bicus''?'#Harry's immediate reaction to Astarion would be 'you remind me of my little brother'#he'd take one look at Lae'zel and think 'you're hot. and you've also got to meet Murphy'#idk if he'd sleep with Lae'zel right off #or if he'd think she's too good to be true #because women that hot always tend to try to kill him #karlach would start picking up on Harry's references without knowing where they're from #All the D&D references Harry'd make though

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shallowrambles · 8 months

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So I've been thinking. It's funny how enjoying meta is somewhat embedded with trust.

Like, if you're "friends" and have followed a person for a long time, you have more a sense of their values, and it's easier to read their difficult meta because you trust more that they're being charitable/nuanced.

If you don't know them, it's harder to trust that they're not funneling difficult topics into rationalization of liking/supporting gross shit.

#meta thoughts #case in point - so much of the wincest community still comes off super classist to me and it sorts of...leaks into their meta #you'll be going alone with an interesting character study and then you read stuff that just BOOM classism about family ties #then you go to their page and you find that yes they're into that shit and there's typically a desert of thoughtful cas military angels etc #they tend to like benny cause benny is an idealized brother substitute / sam parallel and it's given the most uncharitable reading #just because you choose a partner than is familiar and like your fam members does not mean you're into your family members oh my god #and sure there's tons of visual and overt racism in SPN in general but to me that at least gets discussed #the classism inherent to narrative fangirl obsessions with incest? not as dissected #familism and community are seen as Weird (TM) to them and they kind of tell on themselves with that imho #and like with racism there are just some things you can't overlook to enjoy a series if you're black because that's your day to day life an #with classism it's hard too bc sometimes you can't escape the reminders of day to day life #and when ppl in the fandom see the villain's monologues as TRUTH you just wanna shake your head but know it's not worth arguing #communal living is more normal than america wants you to think...rich folks want it labelled *weird* bc they want you separated and drained #i am begging us to deconstruct suburbia instead of defaulting to TEEHEE incest bc shitting on pooled resources is paramount in a rigged gam #I find the inherent isolation of american living-to-work without any time to visit each other VERY isolating indeed...also...#like how did we get here #where we're so afraid of labels like*cults* and *helicopter parenting* and *enmeshment* than we isolate as a form of hallowed independence #american success culture has a dark side too #and separating low class families is the aim #get them to spend more $$$ and go for lofty ideals in pursuit of american dream instead of pooling their resources and meeting their needs #meanwhile rich folks do so much respectable nepotism and pretend they're *self-made*#to me that's what the symbol of zachariah is ALLLL about #and if you're blind to what his taunts ACTUALLY mean...i'm very suspicious of your worldview #if resource sharing and co-living becomes shameful and *incestuous* for lower classes then they won't pool their power at all #american exceptionalism #spn + class #class #class warfare #giving up college dreams to be a caretaker seems way more common in poor families too #i suspect we see the incest reading less from brown families / hispanic fams...cause familism is more common

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dungeons-and-dragon-age · 6 months

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forever mad about how dirty they did aveline from act 2 onward

#thinking way too much abt it rn cus i just finished her quest today #she is important to liam and i enjoy their relationship a lot & also her character in general in the earlier acts #but MAN i hate what they did to her in acts 2 and 3 #laya plays dragon age #feels like there is such a disconnect from her attitude between acts 1 and 2?#or well. maybe not disconnect exactly but even so there is an important shift there and we never even get to see it OR question it #she could have been such a good contribution to the story and the themes by putting her at a crossroads of #do i keep following what i know and become another cog in the system or do i challenge them and break out of it #cus like. in act 1 she is not above going against laws when her own morals (or even just biases) go against them #but is generally still in favor of ''regular'' law and order (which does get challenged by characters sometimes which is nice!)#(sort of) blind loyalty is already a fault of hers and now her loyalty is understandably mostly towards her guards #but then her companion quest is not in fact about herself but about frickin. courting the guy she likes???????#full on i thought this was a silly quest for levity in an act that has a lot of dark moments #but no it is Her Important Quest TM and not only does she not get with him if you dont do the quest #but her entire attitude and happiness going forward depends on it????? what the hell #also fun fact first time playing act 2 i thought that there was a lot going over my head and like #and some of it did yeah but i also just Assumed that bc the way aveline acted/ the guards actions were presented through her #didnt line up with what actually happened #(& her being so defensive and dismissive didnt line up with the impression i got of her before that)#sorry for the rant im just once again mad about cool characters being screwed over by the writing

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toastsnaffler · 11 months

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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man #it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing #eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED #and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself #by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others #it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless #ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking #and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk #oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao #and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3 #voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries #that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them #and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long #+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc #and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it #to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite #if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent #.diaries

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potter-pavlikovsky-popchyk · 11 months

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listen and think of them pls

#Have I posted these all here before? Yes. Should you all still emo cry circle jam to them yes so do so #Get in bitch we’re diving back into Boreo feels (for writing purposes so yn it’s fiiiine it’s healthy even to emo sometimes right?)#He asks as if it’s change a thing if it wasnt #Lmfaooo okay but listen listen I plan the sad music first theeeen my dance music and workout #I get emo feels out after I promie fr I do it smooth brain style big smov brain haver I am! Okay!#boreo #boris pavlikovsky #the goldfinch #tgf #theo decker #theodore decker #theo i’m not gay decker #donna tartt #boreo music #And hey hey I included a song to end on that will help you “life… eh?” It because for me is Boris getting high w/Potter #Spotify #Also bedroom ceiling song UGHHH could just see sm to that aibsejwudhbsjf not emo about it actually how perfect it is and and #Def don’t imagine them both talking to their moms when they get drunk or high enough not to judge themselves about it #Asking them for guidance maybe just in their heads at first but the more they’re stressed the more they just can’t push off the want stuck #In their throat to just fucking ask them out loud till one night they just let out all slurred and embarrassed in the dark of their room #Omfg I miiiight need to have thiiiis in Forget about Kotku fuckkn hellllll #5seconds later I’m like yes no I will I think lol I need happy endings for my boys always and wasn’t sure how I would get there but thiiis #Mmmmm it’s giving me ideas in making that idea ages back I got from that Russian Facebook post I shared of writing love letters to someone #Sleeping cause you can’t tell em that rn and I just hmmmm *meme of ghoul boys*:IVE CONNECTED THE DOTS my brain: you ain’t connect shit

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miserye · 3 months

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i don't know if my roommate thinks it's weird that i like clean up after her (i don't mind doing it i like keeping the space the way i want it anyway aka clean) or if she appreciates it?? or if she thinks i'm super weird for it