#my head hurts constantly so i needed to take very frequent breaks :(

[strangeswift]

Long rambley byler headcanon ahead but I put a cut <3

Okay yes the Mike and Hopper hostility is very funny, and it's very funny to imagine Hopper thinking he got rid of Mike when he and El break up only to realize Mike is now dating his son.

However,

Imagine Mike suddenly becoming far more respectful to Hopper now that he's dating Will and Hopper being completely baffled by this.

Mike's finally in a relationship that he actually cares about maintaining. He knows he and Will are going to be together for the rest of their lives. Therefore he and Hopper are going to be in each other's lives forever. So they may as well get along, right?

And he knows that Will loves Hopper, and Will finally getting to have a loving and supportive father figure makes him so happy. How could he be a jerk to the man that is giving Will something he's always needed?

(Yes all of this applied to El too, but Mike was never very sensitive to El's feelings. And we know he is very sensitive to Will's.)

So Mike stops insulting Hopper. (For the most part.) He keeps the door open three inches. (When Hopper is home.) And he makes and effort to foster a positive relationship with Hopper.

Sure, he slips up sometimes. Maybe even frequently. Mike is a bitch (affectionate) so some bitchiness is inevitable. But Hopper can see that he's trying.

Also, we all know that Mike and Hopper’s canon relationship isn't just a rivalry. Hopper cares about Mike, a lot. And Hopper is probably more of a father figure to Mike than Ted ever was. So there's a basis of affection and mutual respect there.

(Cute GIF to make you cry)

So give me Mike calling Hopper 'Sir' and Hopper looking at him like he has three heads. Give me Mike clinging to Will constantly, but separating himself and keeping a respectful distance when Hopper enters the room, until Hopper rolls his eyes and says, 'It's okay, kid.' at which point Mike grins and resumes clinging to Will. Give me Mike awkwardly trying to make small talk with Hopper. Give me Mike getting Hopper a Christmas present. Give me Mike making sure he gets Will home by curfew unless Hopper is covering the night shift and won't be home anyway.

But yes, give me a dash of Hopper and Mike hostility too. Give me Mike holding Will's hand at the dinner table and Hopper asking, 'Wheeler, do you think you're physically able to go more that five seconds without touching Will?' And Mike responding, 'Wow, old man. I didn't know you hated gay people.' And Will has to stifle his laughter as Joyce lightly hits Hopper for teasing them.

Give me the one time Hopper comes home to the door not being open three inches, but in fact being locked. And give me Hopper pounding on the door threatening to take it off the hinges, until Mike opens the door, rolling his eyes and says, 'Relax, old man, we forgot.' And Hopper dubiously responding with 'You forgot you locked the door?' And Mike sheepishly shrugging.

Give me Hopper being so happy that Mike and El figured out what was best for both of them and that Will is finally happy. Will, the son of the woman he loves. Will, the kid he went through hell to find, the kid he never gave up looking for even after finding his body. Will, the kid he watched be possessed by the mindflayer and go through unimaginable pain, while also being there for Joyce as she went through it with him. And now, Will. His son.

Give me Hopper not being able to stay mad at Mike anymore anyway, because he sees just how much he and Will love each other. And he trusts Mike with Will. You don't hurt someone who you love that much. You protect them. He knows Mike will protect Will, just like he has.

Give me Hopper loving Will and Mike so much, but showing it in his own Hoppery way. Give me Mike and Will walking around Hawkins holding hands because if anyone bothers them, the Cheif of Police will be on their ass to cite them for harassment.

Just. Give my boys a father figure. A real one.

[stardewstardropthoughts]

What about the bachelors comforting the farmer who's usually very calm but breaks down in tears for the first time due to stress. *Cough* community house *cough*

If you didn’t mean the community center please let me know lol but damn mayor lewis really did us dirty with tasking ONE PERSON to what would easily require like five minimum 🫠

How the bachelors react to you breaking down about fixing the community center

Harvey:

He may be your doctor, but first and foremost he’s your husband

Even if he hadn’t been concerned about the physical toll that undertaking fixing the community centre on your own would cause, he was certainly worried about the mental toll

Would ask about how it’s going frequently, dispite your constant brushing off his worries

Until one day it all just became to much for you and he found you curled up in the bathroom head on your knees arms around yourself sobbing

Immediately worried something hurts or your feeling sick, asking a million medical questions a minute

When you finally tell him that your just overwhelmed because it’s such a huge task for one person he sits down beside you and listens

“I don’t want to let everyone down because I know mayor Lewis is counting on me to fix up that old building but it’s just so much for me to do alone, I don’t even know how I’m supposed to keep up with it and I’m constantly burning myself out trying to find what I need or come up with the funds to buy it and I just can’t”

He wraps his arms around you and holds you while you rant through hiccups and sobs into his shirt, gently running his hands up and down your back in a soothing pattern

“Sweetheart, mayor Lewis was wrong to throw such a huge task upon one person, it’s not your fault and it’s certainly not your burden to bear. You arnt letting anyone down and no one expects you to be able to do it on your own, it’s okay to ask for help”

Sam:

He is really impressed that you wanted to undertake fixing up the old community center yourself

He is also concerned since he doesn’t want you to burn yourself out but you were adamant that you could do it

He offers to help out every now and then but you assure him you’ve got it handled

You do not in-fact have it handled

He finds you face first on your bed one night sobbing violently into the pillow, covered in dirt and scrapes

He’s very concerned and immediately grabbing the first aid kit and some water for you

Asks you what’s wrong and if your okay, which only makes you sob harder to be honest

Listens as you tell him that trying to find all the necessary things to fix up the community center is quickly becoming an impossible feeling task and that your so afraid to fail because you don’t want anyone to be disappointed in you

He’s also crying now because how could anyone be disappointed in you? The love of his life who’s working so hard to better the community when no one else even tries

“Hey, baby baby baby listen, your doing so much more then anyone else has even attempted to do to make this town better, no one could ever be disappointed in you”

Holds you for the whole night, also asks you to take a few days off for yourself so he can pamper you and help you feel better

Elliott:

He doesn’t like that mayor lewis has put this much responsibility on you alone to begin with

He knows what it’s like to undertake to much work and then burn yourself out

So he knows what’s happened when he finds you sobbing in the middle of your sunflower patch

Immediately pulling you into his chest and shushing you gently while he runs his hands through your hair

“I know my love, it’s unfair of such expectations to have been thrust upon you. You don’t have to undertake such a burden alone, it’s alright to need help”

Continues to hold you for as long as you’ll allow him

“Even tear stained and sniffy your beauty still rivals that of even the most breathtaking sunflowers in this field”

Just wants to see you smile again, his heart hurts when your upset

Shane:

You’ve helped this man through so many breakdowns and he’s the king of being burnt out so he knows the signs when they happen

He also hates that the mayor just decided you could undertake such a huge task yourself, shouldn’t that be the mayors job?

He finds you face down in a pile of chickens who have all just settled around and on your sobbing form

If he wasn’t so concerned for your mental well being he might have snapped a pic

Very gently removes the chickens off of you and pulls you into his lap, Charlie his favorite chicken on your lap as extra emotional support

“I don’t even know what I’m doing when it comes to fixing up that old building and I took some drugs with a wizard to see some fucking junimos and they have so many demands and I don’t even know how to say any of this without sounding like I’m insane and it’s just to much to do alone”

Listens intently while you rant and sob into the chicken who’s very patiently sitting on your lap

“Love, first of all I don’t think mystery drugs with a wizard is a good idea please don’t get yourself poisoned, second, it wasn’t fair of mayor Lewis to put a task that he should have done himself on you and I have half the mind to tell the town about his little affair if that wouldn’t hurt marnie too”

Gently scoops you up off the floor and brings you into the farm house so he can make you a cup of coffee or tea and cuddle in the bed with you after a hot bath together

Sebastian:

This man probably wasn’t even aware you were trying to fix it up at first, especially since usually his mom has the big projects

So when he finds you just floating face up in the lake near his house staring at the sky while it was pouring he is concerned to say the least

When you explain through tears and shaky breaths that your just really burnt out trying to fix the community center and that it’s way to big a task he understands

Brings you back to his house and hands you a pair of his pants and a shirt and sweater to change into while he puts your clothes in the dryer

Comes back and wraps you up like a little cocoon in his blankets and holds you against him

“It’s not very fair to expect you to be able to do such a large task on your own, if you need help it’s alright to ask, my mom and Clint I’m sure would be able to help and more then happy to as well”

Let’s you fall asleep in his arms and once he’s sure your resting falls asleep as well

Alex:

He probably doesn’t even realize anyone’s trying to fix up that old building, it seems like a lost cause to him

Much less did he expect you to be trying but he does think it’s very admirable that you wanted to fix it up

Does not think it’s worth the obvious toll it’s taking on you

Finds you having a whole panic attack and sobbing on the beach after dark

Doesn’t really know what to do to comfort you at first so he just kinda crouched in front of you

“Hey, hey take a deep breath in with me okay? Good job, now out”

Does Breathing exercises with you until your breath evens out

“Good job baby, now tell me what’s wrong”

Listens intently as you tell him all about how you’ve been trying to fix up the old community center and most of it’s gone pretty good but your really struggling with some parts of it because the supplies is really hard to come by no matter how much you scoured the mines and your so exhausted but you don’t want to let anyone down

Holds your hand while stroking his thumb over the back of it

“What you’ve already done is more then amazing and you shouldn’t have felt obligated to try and fix it in the first place, it’s not your job to rebuild it babe, no one would be upset, it’s a pretty big job for any one person”

Makes a mental note to ask the mayor what the heck he was thinking assigning such a huge task to one single person because what the hell mayor Lewis

[sideeve]

hiiiii

i just wanted to send a message cause your vent kinda hit home for me as im sure it hit you 10x worse, imma just talk in points cause i talk in circles so yea 😅

- your writing, everybody has a writing block and feels sometimes their work isn’t good enough, a hiatus is always recommended don’t feel forced to write anything

- idk about your relationship so i don’t wanna dig too deep into it but if it’s anything of him not talking to you or anything he may wants to give you space because he knows something wrong with you or he distancing himself for other reasons

- stop looking at his exes page, it’s not worth it allll. comparing yourself never ends up good. no matter the body comparison or face comparison you’re always gonna feel a certain way but that’s okay as long as your comfortable in your body.

- i noticed you said you don’t know if you be alive before your boyfriend and ex, and while i hope that joke to feel better i hope you aren’t having suicidal tendencies or thoughts, i understand having doubts about everything and anything about yourself may hurt but you need to be able to have level head, if you are feeling suicidal something i did when i felt the same, i would keep a count of how many thoughts i had of unaliving or relapsing and make it a goal of keeping those thoughts at bay, i wouldn’t recommend doing it through an all but rather on paper. (for me to stop it took two years )

- with becoming into you head and letting thoughts consume you, you may feel like you can’t function. all you need to know it’s okay to shut down and not want to do anything, sometimes it’s okay for your body and yourself as in your conscious to relax, take a break and work on yourself, try different hobbies other than writing and try to keep it often so while relaxing your always moving away from thoughts you wanna keep away

- with weight loss i can understand completely, i had two ed’s back to back and trying to healthily eat was hard and it’s still hard. if you’re naturally skinny it’s gonna be like this all the time, gaining and frequently losing weight, same thing your plus size. but start with small meals, they don’t even have to be meals!!, have snacks that can constantly eat without getting a sweet tooth. drinking things can also help, mostly cranberry juice and it can be any variation. what also helps is it just being able to give into your desires, be a gluttonous, and random meals during the day can help also, don’t use a scale!! that’s your worse friend, let your body gain the weight it needs to

- cry, cry everyday if you need to, talk to yourself or someone about everything you’re feeling, scream it into your pillow, speak it out. it makes you feel better even if you don’t feel like it does in the moment. it definitely helps. getting ahold of your emotions helps you become emotionally intelligent. crying is one way of releasing built stress and other emotions.

ik i yapped a lot but i can’t stand to see someone hurting in such an important time in their life (i saw your blog said level 16, so i’m guessing you’re 16) and remember these are normal teenage emotions and it’s okay to be a teenager about it. i hope your okay and know your loved by anyone

i hope this finds you well <33333

thank you very much.

-i even cried while reading this ngl😭i had talked it over with him and he and i came to the conclusion we are distancing ourselves because of mental issues going on in our lives and on top of that, not being able to see each other :(

-the eating situation is due to body dysmorphia, my mind constantly telling me how fat i am (tho i’m literally under 140 at this point)

thank you for even writing this all out for me😭❤️it helped me more than you know

[angstingantlers]

Please meet Finsterl Tyto, the very tired, very misfortunate owl-man who is the reluctant target of most of my bloodthirsty tendencies. He began life as my TTRPG player character for a friend's homebrew campaign in early 2023 and has had a chokehold on my thoughts ever since. Since I would like to post some writing involving him, I thought it prudent to provide a little introduction. Apologies that it's long, I simply adore my boy and talking about him...

Big old infodump is under the cut, along with some sketches and art of him, varying in age from recent to just over a year ago. (Also for clarity, most of these are watermarked under my main's username, but are indeed my art.)

[Mentions of psychological abuse, gaslighting, paranoia, hallucinations, isolation, and self-destructive behavior. Some artwork featuring blood, injury, and possible scopophobia triggers.]

A 37 year old Scholar of Mathematics and researcher, Finsterl (he/him) works for a branch of the government focused on dealing with misuse of magic and magic-based catastrophes throughout the country. He takes advantage of the office's findings and resources to funnel all his spare time into his personal research -- namely investigating miscasts and trying to uncover a way to eradicate them entirely. His long-standing goal is to be able find the inverse of any given spell in order to undo its effects and thereby reverse miscast spells. He is very nervous around magic, and almost afraid of his own Math-based magic, and tends to prefer relying on either his intelligence or his gun to solve any problems he comes across, treating anything other than the most trivial magic as a last resort.

Now if he sounds like a decently put together man so far, I assure you, he is not. He is at his absolute best erratic and neurotic, and he is very, very rarely at his best. More often than not he is short-tempered, blunt, anxious, and has a tendency to keep himself isolated to protect himself from the danger he perceives to be all around him, pretty much constantly walking the precipice of a breakdown. He experiences frequent paranoia and hallucinations, and struggles with memory and dissociation and keeping track of reality. At his worst, Finsterl will refuse to sleep or drop his guard at all -- and he refuses to let anyone get close enough to help with any of this, out of fear either he'll get them hurt or they will take advantage of his vulnerability to hurt him. As far as he's concerned, anything can be a threat, and the moment he suspects danger he'll unquestioningly bite first.

There are a lot of things that contributed to Finsterl's mental state, but primary amongst them is his treatment at the hands of a powerful Eldritch, an otherworldly shadow-monster, that approached him at quite possibly the darkest moment in his life to offer a sympathetic hand. It introduced itself as Hemlock (it/she), and said she would help him, protect him, be a much needed friend when he had no one else to turn to... and in return, he could lend her his body to possess whenever it needed to take care of some business. And since Eldritch don't have the best reputation, it even gave its word not to harm a single feather on his head. An easy enough deal, right?

Except the sweet and helpful Hemlock swiftly became a demanding, sadistic mistress. It used its influence over his soul to torment him and slowly break down his mental stability, forcing him to be reliant on her for basic functioning. It encouraged him to be fearful of the world and paranoid of others, it ran him in circles whenever he tried to question her, it would flip between gentle and vicious on a dime, it criticised him and terrified him before easing back just enough to avoid breaking him completely. It convinced him he was deeply unwell and needed her. And throughout it all Hemlock continued to present a front of kindness and comfort. Finsterl swiftly lost faith in his own judgement and perception, spending most of his time infested with her influence and wracked with anxiety and terror, desperate for her company and help and yet dreading her visits, and especially dreading when she would demand to use his body.

It came to a head when Finsterl realised that she was possessing him without his knowledge, often while he was asleep, and that made him question all the times she had convinced him he'd been in a fugue or daze and done things he doesn't remember. Hemlock never physically hurt him, certainly... but he slowly realised the full extent of the situation he was in and how much control it had over him, how deeply it tormented him, and how helpless he was to stop it. With nothing else to lose and his mind barely hanging on by a thread, he mangled his soul to stop it from possessing him, then pulled together what little of him remained and told Hemlock he wanted it to leave. She realised she had lost her grip on him and, uncertain of what he'd actually done to block her or what else he might be capable of doing, chose to abandon him with a few choice words about how he had no chance by himself, and he would learn that one way or another; and that some day she would be back, and she would be expecting his apology.

That was seven years ago now, and he's been trying to keep out of her possible sight since. Finsterl struggled greatly to get himself back to a semi-functional state, his desperate efforts to prevent possession leaving deep, feral, living magic scarring his soul and maiming his memories. He struggles to this day to identify what was true and what was false about what Hemlock told him, and doesn't know how much of the psychosis and paranoia is her continuing to haunt him or all in his own head. Truthfully, he just doesn't know what it means to exist without fear anymore. It's an omnipresent part of his life, a racing anxiety and dread buried deep under his skin that never goes away even in his calmest moments. And he almost finds it comforting; if he's afraid, that means he has something he can drive towards action, it means he can react and prepare for danger. He doesn't resent the fear in the least... he believes it keeps him safe. He believes it keeps him alive.

Finsterl clings to his research as his singular lifeline, the one thing that means he can't shuffle off this mortal coil just yet. It's more important to him than anyone could possibly understand and he's in no rush to explain why either. Outside of that, he's closed himself off from everyone and everything around him, second-guessing every friendly hand extended his way. He's learned that the deepest scars come from the most delicate knives and he refuses to let himself get betrayed again -- even if it means drowning in his own isolation and self-destruction.

... So, you know. It's really annoying that there are folks in the office that are so insistent on being his friend. And on helping him be better, whatever that means anymore. Especially when half of them can't even take care of themselves.

[The red owl, Eric (he/him), belongs to @victoryillustrations.]

[house-not-home]

Another night of no sleep.

He and I just moved to our own place together, which has been super exciting- but also super fucking stressful. On top of that, we've been dealing with some family issues that came out of nowhere and have left us feeling more than a little stranded. We're not doing all that well.

His sleep habits still haven't changed, and it's taken a bigger and bigger physical toll on him. Tonight he's added nightmares to the list. I don't even know anymore how many times he's woken up yelling about something just tonight. It's been frequent enough that now my anxious brain is spinning and I can't fall back asleep. The last time he woke up he told me what the dream was. I was apparently straining pasta and something had gone wrong with the sink, causing boiling hot water to start overflowing. In his words, I just "wasn't listening and it was one more problem for (him) to fix." I don't think he knows how hurtful that was.

It's made me think a lot about past relationships. I feel like there must be something I'm doing wrong, but I don't know what. There's something I'm lacking in. I feel like I'm already doing so much. I'm the only reason we aren't homeless right now, as he contributed literally nothing to the apartment search or application process. I did a vast majority of the cleaning and packing, along with coordinating the move itself and making sure we had all the supplies and funds we needed. Up until recently, he didn't even work full time making minimum wage, but I often work overtime to pick up his slack, and I'm constantly looking for better paying jobs to make things easier on us. I'm taking classes right now just so I can get a 1$ raise and a work-from-home position while still working full time, and he's only recently started thinking about applying elsewhere. He still hasn't tried to get himself on health insurance so he can afford to fix his sleeping issue, and instead has let it fester and cause more and more problems for both of us. I try not to bring it up anymore, but I don't know how much longer I can essentially watch him die slowly. He constantly talks about being exhausted as if I'm not also up with him all night - sometimes more than he is. On top of that, he's still falling asleep in the middle of sentences. I can't tell you how many car rides I've spent in my own head because he passed out beside me before finishing a thought. I physically don't nap unless I'm very sick. If I don't sleep, I don't get any other chances for rest. I stay up all day, get maybe a couple hours of sleep, and watch him sleep all day on our days off while I do everything else around the house even though I'm just as exhausted. I've done so much emotional labor defending him to his family (who are also fed up with this shit), reassuring him, making sure he's cared for first, accommodating him at every possible turn.

I've done so much for him at my own expense. Yet I break down once and he makes me feel like a burden for it. I'm drained. I'm completely tapped out. I can't be the strong adult one anymore. I need an equal partner but I feel like asking even the bare minimum from him is too much.

Is it my fault? Am I focusing on the wrong things and missing something important? Am I doing something wrong? Am I just not enough?

[kastillia]

are you... like me?

[ashesandhackles]

Harry And Personal Conflict: A Meta On Evolving Dynamic With Ron and Hermione

One of my last metas on Harry was how his abuse at the Dursleys informed who he is as a person and a lot of his main personality traits. This time, I want to explore Harry's relationship with conflict, mostly in regard to his best friends - Ron and Hermione.

First things first, because of his abusive upbringing where he is constantly in conflict with his caregivers, conflict is seen as Bad Thing when we first meet him as a 11 year old. And it informs how he reacts to both Ron and Hermione at first. He instantly relates to Ron because Ron is an underdog - a boy who feels neglected and passed over in his large and boisterous family. Harry shares his own experience of neglect with Ron and they both bond instantly.

His initial impression of Hermione is that she has a "bossy sort of voice" . The bossiness is an important characterstic to his impression of her - she reminds him of an authority figure and he does not particularly take to her as easily as he does Ron. Before the troll incident, he is frequently annoyed by her interventions because "he can't believe anyone would be so interfering". It's her vulnerability and the fact that she may be in danger that makes Harry, and by extension Ron, go after her. And she pays it back in full with a demonstration of loyalty to them in front of people she wants to impress: teachers. This sets the tone of his friendship with Ron and Hermione.

There is sense of easiness to his friendship with Ron, especially in earlier books that he doesn't quite share with Hermione. This is a bit gendered as well, of course. His relationship with Hermione evolves as Ron's own equation with two of them changes, more specifically Ron's cognisance of his romantic feelings for Hermione. So how does this inform his relationship with personal conflict?

Let's look at it Book wise.

Book 1-4: Since Harry tends to see All Conflict As Bad, when Hermione becomes his friend, he tends to ignore traits of her that he particularly doesn't take to. Specifically her argumentativeness - which he usually leaves Ron to deal with. For example, look at when Hermione drags him off to the kitchens in GOF. When he realises what this is about, he nudges Ron, and Ron does the protesting: "Hermione, you are trying to rope us into that spew stuff again!".

Often, you can say he is amused by Ron's more ..let's say colourful.. reactions to Hermione being overbearing. So when Ron and him are not speaking and Hermione gets a Quidditch term wrong, it causes him "a pang to imagine Ron's expression of he could have heard Hermione talking about Wonky Faints". It's that deeply ingrained into the dynamic.

While Ron acts buffer and protects Harry from stepping into a potential conflict ("skip the lecture", "don't nag" he tells her), Harry's world view remains quite the same. Part of Harry's growing up is integrating conflicting points of view and gaining nuance. For example, he can't understand why someone like Snape, who seems to hate him so much, can also save his life at the end of Philosopher's Stone. This is his first venture into trying to integrate two conflicting things about a person into nuance. Dumbledore gives him a very easily digestible story, one that appeals to his ideal of his father and Harry is sated.

Again, Harry's world view is tested when he finds out that he relates with Tom Riddle - for their "strange likenesses". He doth protest too much at Dumbledore's office: "I don't think I am like him! I am Gryffindor!". And Dumbledore offers him a wisdom nugget: "It's our choices which define who we are" (paraphrasing). Harry is uncomfortable that he empathises with Tom Riddle, his parents' murderer, at this point in the story.

In the first four books, his only proper personal conflict has been with Ron.

It is depressing to think about in these terms - but Ron is Harry's first experience of unconditional love (we can even put Hagrid here, but he is not the one who spends most time with Harry). And when Ron and him fight, Harry is so hurt by the prospect that he proceeds to abandon Ron before Ron abandons him. (the whole chucking a "Potter stinks" badge at him and making a jab about having a scar is what he wants, or the fight in DH where he yells "then leave! Pretend you have gotten over your spattergoit and have your mummy feed you up"). It's an interesting defense mechanism and he feels "corrosive hatred" towards Ron during these times because Ron and him aren't supposed to be like this. Ron is a certainty in his life. It's also why when Ron comes back, Harry either doesn't need him to apologise (as in GOF) or quickly forgives him in DH - although I do think Harry thinks the locket bit was punishment enough. But even without the whole locket, I think Harry has trouble holding Ron accountable in general beyond few slaps on the wrist - especially if Ron and he are on good terms.

5th Book: This is the transition point for Golden Trio friendship. Harry has come back from an immensely traumatising night at the graveyard and his PTSD isolates him from his best friends. This is also the point where Ron, especially after GOF, is aware of his romantic feelings for Hermione ("the perfume is unusual Ron", Hermione tells him in this book). So in this book, we often see Ron and Hermione on one side, with Harry on the other.

Ron is unwilling (quite like Harry in that respect) to engage him in a direct conflict, but he is also unwilling to shield him from Hermione's nagging in this book. This is why, OOTP is the book where you see Harry ignore or avoid Hermione and lie to her more than usual to avoid conflict. For example, he tells her that Snape thinks he can carry on Occlumency once he got the basics - that is categorically not what happened. Or the entire day he spends ignoring Hermione's warnings about breaking into Umbridge's office. (The description here is comical - about Hermione vehemently hissing so much that Seamus Finnigan is checking his cauldron for leaks. ) If he cannot lie to her or avoid her, at the end of the rope, he will treat her to display of his frightening temper.

Interestingly, OOTP is also the book that his world view goes through a tremendous upheaval: mainly, his ideal of his father and having empathy for Snape. It is unnerving for Harry to see Snape being the "boy who cried in the corner" when his father shouts at a cowering woman. Similarly unnerving is that his intense empathy for him - "he knew exactly what Snape felt when his father taunted him and judging by what he had seen, his father was every bit as arrogant as Snape always told him".

While he is placated that his father grew out of it, this memory of his father being a bully is something he cannot bear to watch again in DH. Few chapters later, he grins at Ron "sweeping his hair" back to make it look more windswept, just like his father - suggesting that Harry is beginning to integrate two conflicting things he knew about his father: from the people who loved him vs the people he was cruel to.

6th Book onwards: It's interesting to me that his better appreciation for Hermione comes after OOTP (one, because she is the one who challenged the whole Ministry plan and she followed him into a trap knowing it was one anyway) but also the timing of it is in line with Harry having a more nuanced understanding of his father. He struggled to hold conflicting information about him into one cohesive person - the boy who was a bully vs the man who joins Order of Phoenix to fight a war he could very well have sat out. The pedestal crashing helped Harry gain nuance (he thinks of his father and mother with pride in HBP - of them walking into an arena with head held high). HBP also sets up his deeper understanding with Snape in DH. There is lovely meta by about this by thedreamersmusing. Read it here. HBP is also the book he feels "sorry" for Voldemort and also feels "reluctant admiration" for him - both of things he is less defensive about.

And this nuance informs his relationship with conflicts - especially the kind he has with Hermione. He is more confrontational with her and does not lie or sneak around her as much as he did in OOTP in the Half Blood Prince. ("Finished? Or do you want to see if it does back flips?" He asks her when she takes the book from him to check if it's jinxed. Or the "I hope you enjoy yourself" he calls out irritably when she declares intention to find out who HBP is. And "do you want to rub it in Hermione? How do you think I feel now?" He tells her when she says she was right about HBP).

The fact that he is willing to be confrontational with her is a big step in his character - a step up from his unregulated outbursts in OOTP, which is a function of him not knowing how to put his anger across in normal ways. He is also more willing to stand up for her in front of Ron too - "You could say sorry" he tells Ron bluntly. This is in contrast to his more quiet standing up for her in POA: "Can't you give her a break?" Harry asked him quietly. In POA, he lets the subject drop after Ron flatly refuses. Here, he presses on more : "What did you have to imitate her for?" "She laughed at moustache!" "So did I, it's the stupidest thing I have ever seen".

His relationship with Ron is an interesting contrast to his relationship with Hermione, which functionally teaches a very important lesson for an abused child who thought all conflicts are bad: That his friendship with her is challenging, and frustrating, filled with conflicts but their love for each other isn't disputed. It's a very important thing for brain development in general - to hold conflicting information in one space. The defense mechanism abused children do to avoid this is called splitting.

So, Ron allows Harry to be the age he is: a teenager and it's foundation for his further development, and Hermione teaches him how to be an adult, and therefore, spurs his growth. (In esoteric terms, if you look at Ron and Hermione as proxy parents - Ron is the Mother archetype, the one who offers unconditional love. Hermione is the Father archetype - one who demands best of him, and guides him).

Additional reading: Harry, Prongs and Prince - Harry's Inner Struggles For Forging An Identity. By u/metametatron4

Harry Identifies, and Reluctantly Admires Snape Even Before The Prince's Tale by thedreamersmusing

[the-bau-quinjet]

Nervous II

Hello! Just a quick fluffy sequel to Nervous! 

Summary: Spencer and Reader at Rossi’s dinner party after the events in Nervous!

warnings: mentions of sex and dom! Spencer

Word Count: 1544

“What if they hate me?” You and Spencer just arrived to Rossi’s mansion. You refuse to believe this can be categorized as a house.

 “They’ve already met you.” Spencer is trying to calm your nerves, but it’s just not working.

 “Yeah, and they arrested me. That’s not exactly a great first impression.” He simply stares back at you with an incredulous look on his face.

“Trust me, they’ll love you. Just like I do.” With a quick peck on your cheek, Spencer leaves the car. He opens Lily’s door before coming around to get yours. He has to physically pull you out of the car. You would’ve faked being sick to get out of coming, but Lily really wanted to play with Henry again.

 You walk hand in hand with Spencer up to the door, letting Lily ring the doorbell. The door swings open to reveal none other than the two men who arrested you. To say it’s an awkward interaction is a bit of an understatement. You are frozen to the doorstep even after Lily runs between the two men. Spencer pulls you inside as Rossi closes the door.

 “We just wanted to apologize… for arresting you.” Derek breaks the silence first.

 “Oh please, don’t worry about it. I gave you plenty of reasons to be suspicious. I was just so nervous because I thought at first maybe Spencer was hurt, but that didn’t make sense because he wasn’t working! And then I was on edge because you guys are his family and I didn’t want to make a bad first impression, but we all know how that turned out and then-“ “Baby, relax.” Spencer’s voice whispered into your ear instantly soothes you. It’s honestly crazy how much the slight brush of his mouth against your skin can simultaneously sooth you and turn you on.

 “I’m just sorry I wasted your time. And made you think someone was after everyone you love. That was a pretty bad move.” You try to laugh it off, but they can clearly see you’re nervous. If the rambling didn’t give you away, the way your hands are slightly shaking definitely would’ve.

 “Don’t even worry about it. Just come in, relax, eat some great food, and have some expensive wine.” Rossi leads the three of you farther into the house where the rest of the group is talking.

 “Y/N! Come join us gals.” Penelope is pulling you into the living room where JJ and Emily are seated on the couch.

 “You have to tell us everything about you and Spence.” All three women lean just a little bit closer to you. You can feel the blush rising to your cheeks. Now would be a great time for that wine.

 “Like what?” You are trying so hard not to seem nervous, but you know they can all see it in the way you tap your fingers or bite your lip. Before they can start actually asking you questions, Spencer walks up behind you with a glass of white wine. How does he always know exactly what you need?

 You smile graciously, thanking him with the turn of your lips and the love in your eyes. Just as he’s about to sit down, Penelope pushes him out of the room murmuring about “girl time.”

 When she returns, the questions start immediately. “Tell us everything. How did you meet? When was your first date? Did you have to ask him out? When did he meet Lily? She’s just so cute!”

You do your best to answer every question thrown your way. Starting at that chance meeting in the hospital, the girls ooh and ahh constantly during the story. They laugh at how smooth concussed Spencer was, and smile when you tell them how cute he was with Lily in the park before he even knew she was yours.

 Three glasses of wine later, you are convinced they can’t have any questions left. You’ve gone through every date the two of you have been on, ranging from fancy dinners to casual nights in. Dates with and without Lily. You go into strange detail about how frequently you text each other when he’s away on cases, usually reserving it for at night when you’re both home. You tell them when you knew you were in love with him. You tell them that you can’t picture your future without him in it. You tell them everything.

 Then things take a turn.

 “There’s one topic we haven’t covered yet…” Emily has a glint in her eyes that instantly has you questioning her motives. JJ seems to catch on, immediately shaking her head.

 “Nope, there are some things I just do not need to hear.” In your slightly drunk state, it takes you another minute to catch on.

 “Oh god.”

 “Yep. Spill it sister!” Penelope looks like a child on Christmas morning. JJ looks like she’s torn between running away or watching the train wreck that is about to unfold. Emily looks absolutely smug.

 “I’ll even get the ball rolling. I saw how the two of you blushed when Spencer mentioned your April dates. The two of you watched Tangled until Lily fell asleep and then…” Emily wiggled her eyebrows in your direction, encouraging you to share more information.

 You can’t help but hide your face behind your wine glass, taking a sip to stall. You’ve never really talked about your sex life before. You aren’t a prude, but it’s just always been slightly embarrassing for you to bring up. 

 “We had sex.” The words come out whispered and rushed.

 “And?” Penelope is the one wiggling her eyebrows now. The two of them are only encouraging the other to push you that much further. “Was it gentle? Spencer just seems like the gentlest lover.”

 You can’t hold back the snort that escapes your throat. So much so that you nearly choke on your wine. Sure, Spencer can make love to you slow and romantic when he wants to, but more often than not it’s dirty and rough. You know they can tell exactly what your reaction meant.

 “No way! No freaking way! You’re telling me that Dr. Spencer Reid-” the man of the hour walks in, effectively cutting off the conversation. JJ groans, murmuring about how this was too much information about her best friend. Penelope wears the expression of a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Emily is yet again, sitting there with a smug smirk on her lips.

 “Dr. Spencer Reid what?” Spencer walks closer to the girls on the couch. His question piqued the interest of Derek, Rossi, and Hotch as well, all of them following him closer to the conversation at hand.

 “Nothing! Absolutely nothing.” You try your best to cover it up, not wanting to embarrass Spencer in front of his friends. You didn’t even really say anything. They just figured it out.

 “Well, know I have to know.” Morgan’s smirk is nearly identical to Emily’s. He’s clearly picked up on the slight tension, and he’s never been one to miss an opportunity to tease Spencer. He turns to Garcia “Baby girl, what’s going on?” You know Penelope is too far gone to hold back know, despite the pleading look in your eyes.

 “Spencer… is… he’s…” Her words keep getting cut off by her own thoughts. You’ve never been so grateful for wine. She just keeps pointing between the two of you, unable to form the words to explain what she just found out.

 “He is deeply and madly in love with me. That’s all.” It’s clear that nobody believes that is what you were really talking about. Especially Spencer, he just shoots you a look that says he’ll definitely be asking about this later.

 “That I am.” He kisses you in response, giving you butterflies. You know Penelope will come to terms with it in a few minutes, so you usher Spencer out of the room to tell him what happened.

 You’ve barely made it to the kitchen when you hear Garcia practically scream “Spencer is a freak in the sheets! I don’t believe it!” Nobody else is matching her volume, but you just know their exchanging looks, if not whispers, about that fact.

 “I didn’t say anything I swear! I just snorted when Garcia said she thought you were a gentle lover…” You both snicker at that. Spencer’s face is sporting a very clear blush, but at least you got him out of the room before Garcia screamed it for everyone to hear.

 “Baby, it’s okay. I figured they’d get it out of you eventually. The team doesn’t really do well with boundaries.” He’s laughing it off, so you do your best to do the same following him back into the living room.

 “My man!” Derek can’t get much more teasing in before Rossi is announcing dinner, shooting you and Spencer a wink as everyone rushes to the dining room.

 Just before you pass through the doorway, Spencer whispers in your ear. “Don’t think you won’t be punished for this later.”

 “Yes, sir.” You are already feeling the familiar heat that comes from Spencer’s soft whispers and dirty remarks. And if Spencer is a little rougher than normal that night, while you’re not going to complain.

tag list: 

@mac99martin​

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed, Episode 24 part two

(Masterpost) (Pinboard)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Arguing

After enjoying a tense  afternoon with Lan Xichen, Wei Wuxian comes home to enjoy a tense evening with Jiang Cheng. He pauses in the doorway as he takes in Jiang Cheng’s mood and decides which metaphorical mask he will put on to interact with his shidi. As someone who grew up with explosive people, I find this routine very familiar. 

Wei Wuxian is always carefully playing a role as he interacts with the people in his life. Clearly he has read the classic sociology text The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life and is using it as a how-to guide. We see him do this same calculation over and over, in which he reacts internally to a situation, comes to a decision about what persona to inhabit, and then dons that persona. It’s a typical abuse survival tactic and...it is exhausting. 

This is why I think his leaving to be alone for a while in Episode 50 is a good thing. Being alone isn’t better than being with someone else, usually, but for Wei Wuxian, who is (by Episode 50) assured of love but not sure where he belongs in his own life, being by himself for a while is going to be the best thing for him. He can learn how to just be a person, instead of constantly trying to mold himself to fit everyone around him. 

For the current tense situation, Jiang Cheng is polishing his sword, which, incidentally, is slang (in English, not necessarily in Chinese) for masturbating. Which makes their conversation about how frequently it needs doing kind of a hoot. “One time a month should do,” per Wei Wuxian. 

Jiang Cheng yells at Wei Wuxian--fairly, really--for being drunk all the time and not working on clan tasks. Then he responds to a hug attempt by shoving Wei Wuxian and knocking him down. JC asks WW if he’s too drunk to manage his spiritual power. Now, we know that he doesn’t have any spiritual power to manage, and that’s the main point of this interaction. But it also shows us something else about their dynamic. 

This was just a quick hit, and when it takes WWX out, JC asks why he isn’t responding with spiritual power.  Which means that apparently *every* time Jiang Cheng gives Wei Wuxian a shove or a shoulder check, or strikes him--like he’s been doing constantly since Episode 3--he’s putting spiritual power behind it. That’s...really harsh. 

Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to fight back, and Wei Wuxian can’t; this is a big part of why their relationship breaks down. Casual blows loaded with spiritual power are part of their vocabulary, and Wei Wuxian can’t speak that language any more, even for basic defense. He’s literally not safe having simple interactions with Jiang Cheng now, because he’s secretly disabled, and Jiang Cheng is casually injuring him whenever he gets too close. 

(more after the cut!)

This time Wei Wuxian has had enough, and raises Chenqing to Jiang Cheng, who immediately backs off. Jiang Cheng has seen that thing in action, not just on the battlefield, but in a small room full of whatever remained of Wen Chao when they were done with him. He takes this as a serious threat, and backs off, disturbed and puzzled and hurt.

Jiang Cheng thinks the change in Wei Wuxian is coming from apathy, not from disability, and so he misunderstands it over and over.  Think of a friend saying “whatever, I’m sick of arguing with you, do what you want.”  Jiang Cheng is very ready to feel rejected, and not at all ready to look at Wei Wuxian’s behavior and try to actually understand it. 

Crying Over You

Wei Wuxian bails and goes to see Jiang Yanli in the ancestral hall, where she is polishing a name plaque. I turned the gamma way up to see whose it is and...I dunno. This character might be 江 (Jiang), I guess?

Jiang Yanli is the only one of the trio who knows how to mourn properly, in that she is taking some time to sit and be sad. Mourning the dead--both ritually and just in the emotional sense--is as important a part of reclaiming Lotus Pier as the training of disciples and having good times on the lake.

She asks him about his fight with Jiang Cheng and he says he’s used to fighting with him. Jiang Yanli asks him if he’s tired of living there, and Wei Wuxian deflects and deflects, saying “it’s my home, where else would I go?” and that if Jiang Fengmian hadn’t adopted him he would still be begging in the streets. He says “no matter what happens, I won’t leave Lotus Pier,” which is not an answer to her question.

It’s also not true. Like so many of his promises, it’s an expression of his wishes, with no space for the surprises real life is made of. He promises her that he won’t be reckless again, and asks her not to be mad at him. She says she can’t be mad at him, and then they share a flashback about Jiang Fengmian finding him on the street. This is a story, not a memory; Wei Wuxian can’t remember but he remembers her telling him about it. Jiang Yanli wasn’t there, in the moment. So this is her telling the story as it was told to her, probably by Jiang Fengmian. 

Flashback Time

In the flashback, picky salad-hating Wei Ying is out on the street, looking for food in a cartload of pretty okay scraps. I mean, yeah, skip the tomatoes, but most of the greens look fine.  

He’s found and fed by Jiang Fengmian, who recognizes him and decides to take him in. 

Within a couple of episodes, we will see Wei Wuxian paying this favor forward, saving someone he finds starving on the street. Just like Jiang Fengmian, he's going to upset and disrupt his family in order to help someone for whom he feels a deep connection.

During this flashback we get a look at Jiang Fengmian’s sword, and it is a beauty. 

What is Love

As the flashback ends, Wei Wuxian is smiling, hearing Jiang Yanli tell this touching story of starvation and orphanhood. She tells him he was born with a smiling face, and that he never minds much about sorrowful things; no matter how bad the situation is, he is always happy. Way to reinforce that metaphorical mask he’s wearing over his deep, deep despair, sis!

They talk a bit about Jiang Cheng’s bad temper.  Then Jiang Yanli says now that her parents are gone, they three are the closest in the world, and he responds by putting his head down on her knee and theatrically saying he’s hungry. But he’s crying for real, and so is she.

Then he decides to ask her why people fall in love, basically, and claims that he does not have anyone in his heart. He says there’s no need to like a person that much, that it’s like “haltering your own neck,” according to Netflix. Let’s have a look at that figurative language for a second, and what’s missing from the Neflix translation. 

What he says is (as near as my qhanzi.com skills can make out) “這不就是自己給自己脖子上套犁拴韁吗” which Google tells me means "Isn't this just putting a plow on my neck with a rein?" The part of the image that’s missing from Netflix subs is the plow, and the hard labor and animal servitude involved in pulling a plow. This isn’t a pro-romance image.

He’s clearly thinking about Lan Wangji when he lies about having no-one in his heart, but right now the yoke that he wants to escape has nothing to do with Lan Wangji. The person he’s harnessed to in a team, the person who he labors with, the person he wants to escape, is Jiang Cheng.  What’s chafing his neck is the promise he made, to stay and serve as one half of a pair, when he can no longer pull his weight. 

Busted

Speaking of Jiang Cheng, he is hanging around outside the shrine, listening to the conversation. Wei Wuxian busts him, pointing out not that eavesdropping is bad, but that it’s bad for grownups. Jiang Cheng points out that he’s the master of Lotus Pier so he’s allowed to go anywhere he wants.

(I love how he looks framed by this giant lotus behind him)

We Wuxian has another of those moments where he assesses the best approach to Jiang Cheng before responding. 

Then he picks a fake fight with him about soup.  Yanli comes out and tells them both to grow up, saying that JC is losing his demeanor as clan leader. He jokingly fixes his already-perfect robe ad they all have a chuckle.

Then Jiang Cheng reminds Wei Wuxian of his promise for the millionth time, and Jiang Yanli goes to make soup for the millionth time. As soon as the boys see that she’s gone, the smiles drop right off of their faces. They’re both performing their typical relationship dynamic for Jiang Yanli.

Being Reasonable

The brothers repair to the main hall, and stand behind the lotus throne looking out of this complicated wall/doorway thingy, while they talk about Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan. 

Jiang Cheng is being mature and sensible here, trying to give Jiang Yanli what she wants and also explaining very, very basic political stuff to Wei Wuxian, who is too caught up in his hate boner for JZX to want to think about the bigger picture. He also thinks that Jin Guangyao is a nicer person, but Jiang Cheng says that nice doesn’t matter.  

Wei Wuxian is getting a full head of steam going about what a jerk JZX is, when Jiang Cheng makes him actually stop and think, by pointing out that it’s not for them to forgive or not forgive Jin Zixuan’s past behavior; it’s up to Yanli.

Wei Wuxian sees the reasoning in this, and starts to say he can’t understand why Yanli chose to like this person, but then he stops himself and goes through a rapid series of thoughtful, uncomfortable expressions. 

Perhaps he’s realizing that he himself has chosen to like an infamously stuck-up, fancy cultivator, albeit one with no soup-related character deficits.

Library Time

The stuck-up cultivator in question is currently in the Cloud Recesses library, where he has snuck into the forbidden books room, against his uncle’s express command, for the purpose of helping Wei Wuxian. The forbidden books room is an entire basement floor of the library; it probably has more books than the not-forbidden part of the library, since the main floor needs space for the restrooms, circulation desk, and copy machines.

(Did OP photoshop the Wangxian-in-the-Library porn picture onto Lan Wangjis’ book? She did.)

A couple of other Lans come along and see the main door unlocked. The lock is a big fish that probably uses magic for locking; it definitely doesn’t use a key. One of them steps in the doorway, glances back and forth without walking through, and does not check the secret door to the forbidden vault. Gosh, how did Su She and/or Jin Guangyao  ever manage to steal secrets from this highly secure location, wow.

Lan Wangji hears the Lan disciple on guard duty say “don’t tell Hanguang Jun about this!’ and has a series of microexpressions that might indicate some kind of feeling about simultaneously being a rule breaker and a rule enforcer.  

Boat Time

We end with an idyllic scene on the lake in Lotus pier, where a new batch of disciples is harvesting lotuses and learning the opposite of boat safety. 

Jiang Yanli and Wei Wuxian are having a good time, and seem utterly carefree; both of them are good at living in the moment, or faking it. 

Wei Wuxian thinks, in voiceover, that it seems that it’s not so hard to go back to the old days. Uh...ok.

Except he’s hiding a massive secret and these replacement kids are not the same juniors he used to hang out with, and he can’t actually teach them cultivation, since he has no socially-acceptable magic power, and everything is about to go to shit in the next episode. But you gotta take your joy where you can, I guess. 

Note: There are a lot of questionable effects in The Untamed, but there are also beautiful scenes like this one, which looks like a Maxfield Parrish painting. Compare with the BTS below and you can see what a good job the VFX team did in bringing this lake to life. 

[darthkruge]

Okay :3

Could I ask for some quick little hc’s on the reader getting hurt on a mission?

I just need worried and protective Ani rn 🥺

Thank you Butterscotch 💞💝

Anakin x Reader Who Gets Hurt on a Mission Headcanons

Warnings: I mean talk of injuries but no in depth ones discussed. Mainly just protective and worried Anakin with some soft Ani thrown in there too because I physically think I’m incapable of not adding that. 

Words: 1.3k

A/N: Yes my love of course!! I love worried and protective Ani <3 I know you said quick little headcanons but I fucking love protective!Anakin and the getting hurt on a mission thing is one of my favorite tropes lmao so this kinda took on a life of its own. 

gif credit i really like this gif- like a lot- 

Okay first off Anakin is already so protective. He hates that you’re in dangerous situations when you go on missions and he hates it when he can’t go with you. That being said, he knows you’re powerful and competent and he would never doubt your abilities as a Jedi. 

Honestly, his protectiveness says far more about him than you. He’s not worried that you’re not strong enough; he’s worried he’s not strong enough. If you get hurt, he thinks he failed somehow. 

As soon as he sees you get hit, he’s there in an instant. If it happens in the middle of a battle, getting you to safety is his main priority. He’ll scoop you up in his arms and get you out of there immediately.

If it’s more like someone hurts you directly, like a one-on-one thing, he’s going insane. Picture someone stabbing or hitting you to the point where you’re unconscious and bleeding on the floor. Anakin immediately flashes back to losing his mother, to when he wasn’t able to save someone he loved. 

He will kill them if they’re still a threat to you. If not, it’s not like he’s letting them just walk away. He’s infuriated. He first steps in front of your body, shielding you from them. And he’s livid, he’s glaring at them and anyone could tell he’ll fight to the death for you.

His lightsaber ignites, illuminating his enraged expression and they just know they fucked up. 

Even so, you are his priority. Revenge never comes first when it’s between that and keeping you safe. His thought process is: deal with danger as quick as I can so I can go make sure they’re okay. 

He runs up to you and, if you’re unconscious, he’s gently trying to coax you awake. He’ll whisper softly, all “Can you hear me?” “Open your eyes for me, baby.” “Please, Y/N, please let me see your gorgeous eyes.” “Come on, angel, let me know you’re okay” 

His eyes are scanning your body, looking for any possible injuries that he needs to attend to. 

Regardless of what the injuries are, he’s picking you up. He’s not letting you walk or put any pressure on any parts of your body. 

He scoops you up as gently as he can and moves as evenly as he can while rushing you back to the ship, trying not to jostle you around too much.

If you whimper or hiss in pain from the movements, he looks at you so apologetically and whispers an “I’m so sorry, just a little longer, okay?” 

And you’ll nod at him with tears in your eyes and it just makes his heart ache. He hates knowing you’re in pain and that he wasn’t able to stop it or take it away. 

When he gets you back to the ship, he’ll lay you down and try to attend to your injuries as best he can. He’ll grab some gauze and bandages and wrap your wounds, desperate to stop the blood loss. If there aren’t any supplies, he’ll just rip parts of his shirt off to use as bandages. After he did that once you secretly hope they forget the supplies again because-

After he finishes that, you’re normally really cold and exhausted from the blood loss. He wraps you up in all the blankets they might have and pulls his Jedi robe off and puts it around you, too. He knows it brings you comfort and, honestly, it’s really fucking warm. 

He talks to you to try and keep you awake. He’ll tell you stories and although he tries to be strong for you, you can hear his voice shake and his words become faster, sure signs that he’s fucking terrified. 

That’s honestly what gets you to stay awake, more than anything else. You don’t want him to panic. You’ll try to hold his hands, if your injuries allow, and constantly move your thumb against the back of his hand as he does the same to you. The constant movement reminds him you’re alive and conscious and okay. 

As soon as you land on Coruscant, he immediately brings you to medbay. He doesn’t care, you can complain about how much you don’t want to and how you’re fine all you want, he won’t hear it. He got a little upset once because you were desperate and said “please, Ani, please don’t make me go. I just want to go back to our bed and have you hold me. That’s the only thing that could make me feel better right now.”

He was upset because he hates turning you down, especially when you ask like that. The only time he’ll turn you down is if he’s trying to keep you safe. 

He tries to force them to let him stay with you as they run diagnostics, literally yelling out and attempting every trick in the book. Even so, it doesn’t work. They calmly tell him to go sit in the waiting room and they’ll get him when the tests are finished.

He watches them take you away and he paces in the room, chewing on his fingernails and running his hands through his hair in worry. He normally somehow ends up finding his way into a chair and he ends up breaking down. He’ll have his head  in his hands, tears streaming down  his cheeks as he prays to the Maker that you’ll be alright. He’d do anything, so long as you’re alright. 

When they finally call him back, saying your tests are done he’ll run back into the room. You see his disheveled appearance and bloodshot eyes and you immediately reassure him that you’re going to be okay. 

As soon as he can take you home, back into his arms you go. Once again, you’re not walking, so don’t even try it. Further, he just wants to hold you. You normally  kind of turn your head into his chest, embarrassed that he has to carry you through the Temple where anyone can see you in this weakened state. 

Meanwhile, Anakin is staring daggers at anyone who even attempts to look in your direction. His arms tighten around you, keeping you close and you’ve honestly never felt safer.  

He gets you back to the apartment and gently places you on the bed. He looks you over again, just making sure they didn’t miss any of your injuries before he pulls the covers up and comes next to you.

He’ll get you some water and a bit of food, wanting you to get something in your system to help replenish your body. He stays with you the whole time, making sure you eat and drink at least a little bit. 

Even though the medical droids helped, you’re still in pain and he tries to help in whatever way he can. He can see your eyes screwing up as you try to move and get comfortable in bed and he’s just “I know it hurts, baby. I’m so sorry, here, let me help you, okay?” “What can I do to make it better” 

He helps you get settled, pulling you with him in his strong arms until you find a position that allows you to sleep. 

Sometimes you’re shaken up from getting hurt. You’ll tell him how afraid you are or, more frequently, he just knows. He tells you “You’re safe now, my love.” “No one’s going to hurt you ever again.” “It’s okay, I took care of them, it’s okay.” “Look at me, angel. They’re gone, alright? It’s just you and me, right here, safe.” 

As you drift off, he reminds you how much he loves you and you say it back. He’s always the big spoon on those nights. He puts himself closest to the door, shielding your body with his.

Nights after you get hurt are always very special. He holds you to him as tightly as he can, granted this is mostly dependent on your injuries. And you just love it. You feel safe and he feels like he can keep you like that. 

Basically, if you get hurt on a mission, Anakin’s got you. And an enemy has to be pretty stupid to try and hurt you. Not only are you exceptionally badass, but if they somehow get to you, Anakin will hunt them to the ends of the galaxy to ensure they never harm you  again.

----

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[solarwonux]

Needy || Joshua Hong 

fratboy!joshua x f!reader

w.c: 3.5k

warnings: angst a little, smut, car sex, unprotected sex, dirty talking, friends with benefits to lovers, breeding kink if you squint, fluff

note: Happy Birthday Joshua hehe. I hope you guys like this one let me know :)

masterlist

You awake?

The bright light of your phone made you squint as you read over Joshua’s text, a suppressed yawn falling out of your mouth.

I am now.

You sat up on your bed, blinking rapidly trying to regain your vision while attempting to read the time. Three in the morning. You sighed, the cold air conditioning hitting your naked arms making you shiver.

Joshua rarely texted you, if it wasn’t to meet his needs. Sexual and all. And in turn you did the same. It was part of the arrangement the two of you had concocted one Friday night over a half-finished research project, a few drinks and a one-night stand.

It worked.

That was until your feelings for him grew into something more than sexual. You wanted him—no you needed him in every way possible. You wished he would cave into you instead of keeping you at arm’s length. Scared of how his frat brothers would view him if they were to ever find out he was fucking around with a girl in his Women in Literature class. He ignored you. Acted as if you didn’t exist, flirted with other people in front of you, jabbing knives into your heart repeatedly. It hurt you, but you always had to remind yourself that your feeling’s weren’t part of the deal.

You hated him and yourself for letting him treat you in such a disgusting way. For feeling desperate and insecure enough to let him use you in every possible. Until, he showed up at your doorstep with a lustful glint sparkling behind his soft eyes. And you’d fall on your knees worshipping the ground he walked on as if he were Aphrodite’s son.

Every time he came and left you swore that it would be the last time, knowing very well you were lying to yourself. Your feelings for him haunted you, they stayed at the back of your mind as you tried everything in your power to keep them locked away in a wooden box.

Joshua Hong was addicting.

An addiction you never wanted to recover from not matter how much it hurt you. He was like sweet poison running through your veins and you’d bust your lip on the venom he dispensed over and over again in order to keep him close. Your need to feel his body close to you was far greater than your unwanted feelings and another failed love affair.

Let’s go for a drive.

Joshua tapped his fingers on his steering wheel. The chill driving playlist he had put on sounding through his car speakers, while he waited for you outside of your apartment. His impatience getting the best of him, contemplating on whether he should honk his horn or not. But seeing at it was nearing four in the morning he decided against it.

He sighed and rested his head against his window. He was exhausted, but every time he would close his eyes to welcome sleep, his thoughts would start up again. He hated thinking because every time he thought his doubts would seep in. They surrounded his entire body and made him want to scream out into the void. He was frustrated that he had feelings for someone. Feelings that were so strong that occasionally would threaten to break the surface. He wanted to confess but he couldn’t bring himself to confess because he was scared that they would see him for who he was.

A coward who was too scared to admit he was in love because he feared it.

“You’re gonna open the door for me or leave me stranded out here?” Joshua jumped, your forehead pressed up against the glass of his car window. He could tell you were tired, the bags underneath your eyes were prominent, and your face was flushed and little bloated. He felt bad for waking you up, but he needed to see you. He needed to feel your calming presence by his side because despite the relationship the two of you had. You were the only person that could make him feel at ease.

He unlocked his car door, watching you yank it open and get it. “What’s up?” You grabbed his jacket from the floor and put it on top of you as if it were a blanket. It was useless but it kept the cold air at bay.

“Nothing, put on your seatbelt.” He took his car of park and backed out of your driveway. You rolled your eyes reaching over for the seat belt and put it on. “Something’s wrong but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” You shrugged leaning back in his passenger seat and rested your head against the black leather.

“Just couldn’t sleep.”

“Reasonable.” You yawned, bringing the jacket up to your neck. “You can go to sleep if you want, I just didn’t want to be alone.” Joshua retreated his hand from the steering wheel and placed it on your thigh giving it a squeeze. You gazed over at him, taking him in just like you did whenever the two of you were together. The dark blue of his bangs tickling his eyelashes keeping his eyes hidden from yours.

Joshua tightened his grip on his steering wheel, his thumb caressing the outside of your clothed thigh. He knew you could tell something was bothering and he wanted to tell you, to open up and finally let you in. To give you a free pass to break his heart. To let you walk all over him while he succumbed to your touch, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let you see what he kept hidden inside because he couldn’t lose you. At least not yet.

“Don’t do that you’re going to draw blood.” Your thumb ran over his chin, tapping on his bottom lip that he had been chewing on since he started driving. He smiled and placed a gentle kiss against the pad of your thumb. Your body felt hot and you retrieved your hand, hiding it again with his jacket. He moved his hand from your thigh and put it back on his steering wheel. The heat of his touch going missing making you feel cold again.

You yawned; your eyes felt heavy. The soft melodies that played from his car radio getting louder than before and you only assumed that was Joshua’s way of silently telling you to stop talking. You turned your eyes away from him settling on the view of the open road. The stillness of the early morning heightening your feelings for him or maybe it was the lack of sleep. Either way you found yourself wishing you had never fallen for him.

“F-Fuck,” Joshua gasped running his length over your wet slit. “You’re always so wet for me.” He mumbled pressing his head against your clit making you shudder against him. The cool air of the ocean breeze hitting your needy bodies making the two of you more desperate than before.

You knew that when you agreed to go on this drive with Joshua, he would end up driving to the spot on the beach the two of you frequently visited on sleepless nights. You knew he would ask you to help him remove the sunrider roof then sweet talk you into accompanying him to the bed of his Jeep. Where he had a plethora of blankets set up, creating a makeshift bed, claiming he wanted to watch the sunrise with you. And you knew you’d end up underneath him begging for him to give you what you wanted. What you needed.

Tonight, was no different.

Joshua had lured you into his love shack with his charming looks and soft smile. He had let sinful words escape his lips. A knowing look etched on his face, while he watched you wither next to him, untouched. He had worked you up slowly, kissed your neck gently instead of marking you up like he usually did. He had taken your clothes off showered your body with kisses, lingering on the parts of your body you hated the most, showing them love. Showing you, he was present with you and in tune with your body.

The soft waves crashing against the beach shore were forgotten, along with the rising sun against the horizon and the morning dew film that had started to stick on to your flushed-out bodies. Nothing else in the world mattered but the pressure you felt in between your legs and your delicious heat wrapping around him, engulfing him in until he bottomed out. His head falling into the crock of your neck, whispering sweet nothings against it while he started to fuck you slowly.

“Y-You feel so good, so w-warm.” Joshua kissed you, feverishly, swallowing your moans. His soft lips whimpering against yours. “I want to be inside you forever.” His hips moving against yours slowly, making sure you could feel all of him inside you. His hands found your back and pushed you against him, chests heaving against one another’s. You arched your back, gripping the blankets underneath you. Your moans bouncing off the windows of his cars, mixing with the sound of ocean waves.

This was a sight you were all too familiar with. A sight that played in your head whenever the two of you were apart. A sight you craved for constantly wondering when he would call you up again to use you for his selfish needs. This sight however felt and was different. He had taken his time, showed you that he knew how your body worked. Joshua had prioritized your pleasure over his and it sent warning flares through your body, because it felt like a goodbye.

“I want you to cum with me.” Joshua grunted his hand snaking in between your bodies searching for the little bud of pleasure. His thumb hoovering over it, the suspense had you withering, begging for him to touch you the only way he knew how. You whimpered feeling the ghost of his touch, your fingers tweaking at your nipple, sending a rush of pleasure through your body. “J-Joshua, mmm, I-I need to cum.” You pressed your chest into you hands, watching as his face contorted into pure bliss, his thrusts getting sloppier, his thumb finally connecting with your clit and rubbing slow figure eight, constrasting the speed of his thrusts. You gasped raising your hips rocking against his hips and hand, feeling the sweet coil start to build up.

“Go on angel, cum around my cock. Let me feel you.” He groaned finding your free hand and interlocking your fingers with his. You clenched around him. Your orgasm getting nearer, until it wasn’t. Until Joshua evilly slowed down his thrusts, pressing his thumb forcefully onto your clit, sending a jolt through your body. “J-Joshua please.” You choked out digging your finger nails into the back of his hand. He smirked pulling himself out of you fully, the head of his cock teasing your entrance.

“Gonna let me cum in you baby, fill you up until it’s spilling out of you.”

“F-Fuck, yes Joshua…whatever just fuck me.” You said the desperation lingering in your voice. Joshua hummed in response before ramming himself into you a broken whine falling from your lips. His thumb on your clit again, your body convulsing with pleasure as you felt yourself come undone around him. Choked out moans leaving your lips as he continued to thrust himself into you, helping you ride out your orgasm while chasing your high.

Joshua panted wrapping your leg around his waist, the head of his cock pressing into the soft velvety spot making you cry out. “J-Joshua t-too much.”

“It’s okay baby I got you…always.” He leaned his body over you, his warm chest resting against your flushed one. He brought his free hand moving the falling strands of hair away from your face. His eyes boring into yours, whispering silent praises until he finally spilled his seed inside you, filling you up to the brim. He hid his head into your neck biting down, your heat continuing to clench around him, milking him out.

The remnants of your orgasms overwhelming the two of you. Pants echoing against the roar of the ocean waves, your chests rising against one another’s while you tried to recover from your highs.

Joshua raised his head, a satisfied smile playing against his lips. “Thought this was just a drive.” You said moving his sweaty bangs away from his eyes. He shook his head chuckling, sitting back on his knees pulling himself out of you. “You should know by now that I can’t hold back when it comes to you,” His hands holding your legs open as he watched his cum fall out of you, a pleased groan slipping past his bruised lips.

“So sexy.” His palm landing against your thigh making you yelp out in pain. “You’re such a guy Joshua.” You rolled your eyes trying to close your legs, fighting against his grip. He reached behind finding the t-shirt he had been wearing and cleaned you up. His grip faltering once he was finished. You sat up on your elbows watching him clean himself up. The sun had now started to fully rise casting a golden hue against his body, accentuating all the parts he hated but you loved about him. You felt your heart tense up, a simple reminder of your unrequited feelings for him. You let out a frustrated sigh falling on your back, taking in the bright hues of the morning sun.

Joshua moved and laid down next to you, wrapping an arm around your waist resting his chin against your shoulder. “You alright?” Worry lingering in the back of his voice and you wanted to push him away but keep him close at the same time.

“I’m all sweaty and sticky.” You lied, protruding your bottom lip out and turned to face him. He smirked pulling you closer to his body, wrapping your thigh around his hip. His growing length toying against your swollen folds. “We have an ocean right in front of us.” He whispered his lips finding your neck making you sigh. “Let’s use it to our advantage.” Joshua smirked against the shell of your collar bones. The ringing in your ear from your last orgasm still lingered, but you found yourself needing him once again.

“What if a morning jogger walks by?” You pressed your chest closer to his, his lips nipping on your skin. His hands moving down to your ass and kneading it, the growing beads of his precum falling onto the skin of your mound.

“Then we’ll give them a show.” He bit down, a whimper running past your lips. And you found yourself hating the effect he had on you for the third time that morning. But just like you needed him he also needed you and that terrified him beyond belief.

Joshua wrapped a towel around your wet naked body and placed a kiss against your forehead, lingering there for a few seconds before pulling away. “How are you feeling?” His index finger ran down the side of your cheek taking the water droplets that had fallen from your hair with it. The morning sun had finally finished rising, waking up all life on Earth reminding the two of you that soon it wouldn’t be just the two of you anymore.

Joshua’s heart hadn’t stopped palpitating since you got into his car that morning. His stomach erupted into butterflies whenever he had held you close throughout the immoral escapades the two of you had engaged in all morning. He never wanted to let you go and now as he looked down into your glittering eyes with the heat of the golden sun rays hitting your sensitive bodies, he found that he couldn’t picture a life without you in it. You were a light in a world filled with darkness, where his demons would get the best of him.

When he was with you, he felt like he could let himself go and stop hiding behind an unrealistic image he thought he needed to keep up. An image that had girls and boys at his feet until he got what he wanted. He had used this to his advantage and for the most part it worked, until he met you.

To him you were a free spirit, who found comfort in the stillness of the night underneath the glimmering stars. You never took no for an answer and despite your insecurities–ones he wished he could make disappear forever, you always confidently kept your head held high. From the moment his eyes landed on you a spark of electricity erupted inside of him, warning sirens sounding at loud volumes in his head because from that moment on he knew he was fucked. You had ignited a fire inside of him, one he never wanted to blow out. And even though he wasn’t sure if your feelings for him held the same weight as the ones he had for you. He didn’t care because if anyone was going to break his heart, he was glad it would be you.

“Joshua Hong are you there?” You waved a hand in front of his face. His eyes blinking rapidly as he saw the ghost of images appear in his line of sight due to looking into the sunlight for longer than usual. “Sorry, what did you say again?” He grabbed a pair of khaki pants from the gym bag he kept in the back of his car.

“I asked if you wanted me to be honest with you?” You joked sitting down on the bed of his car, holding the towel tightly against your body. You watched as he stumbled back and forth while trying to put on his pants, a low laugh escaping your lips. No matter what it was Joshua always had a habit of making things harder for himself. An observation you had discovered early on in your friendship and somehow you found it incredibly endearing.

“Always…I always want you to be honest with me.” He smiled leaving his pants unbuttoned then reaching over to grab a colorful button-down shirt, eyeing you closely as he slipped it on. “I’m sleepy, hungry and a little sore.” You crossed your legs, a cool breeze blowing making you shiver slightly.

“If that’s the case then I have a proposition for you?” He smirked closing the gap between the two of you and wrapped his arms around your waist. “Get dressed, I’ll buy you breakfast at the diner by your place and then we can sleep for the rest of the day.” Joshua leaned his face forward and placed a chaste kiss against your cheek. He pulled away, retreating his hands from your body, watching smugly as the heat rushed through your body.

“Wait…together, sleep all day together. Like you and me at my place on my bed…sleeping?” You moved your head to the side raising a curious brow. “Mhm, I mean I could just drop you off and go home, but it’d rather be with you. I can sleep on the couch if it makes you uncomfortable.” He shrugged leaving the last three buttons of his shirt undone, his toned chest peeking through and if you weren’t so sore, tired and confused you would’ve initiated a fourth round.

“No, it’s fine you’ve been in my bed in more ways than one it’s just that you’ve never wanted to do anything other than have sex.” You removed your towel and reached over to grab your t-shirt that had been hanging off the headrest Joshua’s eyes following your every movement, taking in your glowing body, proudly eyeing the marks he had made on you before they disappeared underneath your shirt.

“I have another proposition for you then.” He stuffed his shaking hands in the pocket of his jeans, keeping them away from your line of sight. His nerves getting the best off him and his doubts came crashing down like a wave, making him overthink once again, until he felt your hands against your cheeks. “You’re filled with a lot of propositions, today aren’t you?” Your smile shinning brighter than the sun, making his heart skip a few beats.

He swallowed thickly basking in your afterglow taking his hands out of his pockets. “Be my girlfriend?” He whispered your eyes growing wide and your breath sped up. You blinked rapidly trying to determine whether you were dreaming or not. But the hopeful look behind his soft eyes brought you back down to Earth and you let out a nervous laugh. A pout forming on his face, his hands settling against your waist, while you hid your face in his chest laughing.

“This isn’t funny I’m dead serious.”

“I’m it’s just I’ve only dreamt about this, never expected it to come true.” You whispered your hold on him getting tired and you felt his body shake with low laughter. “Glad to know I’m not the only one who had fantasized this.” He spoke his arms snaking around your body, burying his face into your hair taking in the salty smell of the ocean.

“Yes.” You mumbled after minutes of silence. “I’ll happily be your girlfriend.”

[floofs-headcanons]

Hello hello! Both of your have such awesome writing! I had so much fun reading the headcanons and scenarios of the bodyguard AU! Could I request either college AU or a soulmate AU or your choosing for Zoro? Whatever you feel like writing! Thank you!!

College & Soulmate AU; Scenario

Character; Zoro

Word Count; 1,718

Thank you so much, we’re glad you liked it !! But no, but let me tell you how we screamed at each other for literally half an hour when we saw this request. There were too many good soulmate AUs we ended up using a generator aksjdhas.

The first time you and your soulmate touch you get stuck together for a while.

December is when you find him sleeping on campus grounds. He’s resting on one of the outdoor tables, book open, with arms covering the pages. Snow is falling, and you’re cold even with a heavy fur coat and umbrella keeping the white specs from melting into your hair.

You’re not sure if you should wake him up despite the fact that he was wearing nothing other than a T-shirt and some jeans, but he doesn’t seem very bothered. Well, that is until he sneezes. It’s followed by some incoherent grumbling and nearly scares the shit out of you, but it’s enough for you to decide to help.

“Hey,” you poke his cheek with the butt of your umbrella, not too fond of touching strangers. “Hey!”

He doesn’t stir, and you’re left wondering if anyone else has tried to help him before you showed up and ended up leaving it be because he wouldn’t budge.

Still, you couldn’t leave him here in this type of temperature; so you decide to leave your umbrella behind. It’s long enough to lean against the table and shield him from the ever piling snow without directly touching any part of his body and possibly bothering his rest- not that you think it would. He didn’t flinch even when you yelled at him.

December is when you’re working at Shakky’s bar late into the night to pay off your college tuition.

Those loans wouldn’t pay themselves after all and the salary was good. 

The company at the bar itself was interesting to say the least. You could never truly say you had a dull night while working there. Be it the slurring drunks and their awful attempts at pickup lines, to the terribly sobering tales that would be shared across the counter; it was an eye opening experience. 

Tonight would be much like any other- at least, that’s what you had thought until a familiar man comes through the door. 

He seemed well- that was good. You didn’t give it too much thought, after all, you were on the clock and this was a rather popular bar for the student body to frequent. From the way Shakky greets him, he must’ve been a regular long before you had begun working here.

Setting down the glass you had been mindlessly polishing, your attention is drawn towards a customer sitting near the back of the bar. He’s a bit louder than the other customers, but you were pretty used to that. Eustass Kid came in all the time and drank until he either passed out or his blonde haired friend carried him out forcefully. At the very least he wasn’t bothering anybody.

“Excuse me,” the green haired man raises a hand, successfully catching your attention. It seems he was done talking to Shakky by now.

“Yes?” You make your way over, an award-winning customer service smile tugging at the corner of your lips. “What can I get for you?”

He ends up getting a few, maybe more than a few, beers. This man sure could drink.

December is when your car decides it needs its own break from the cold winter snow. It thankfully doesn’t break down anywhere too traffic heavy, and there’s an auto-repair shop not even five minutes away.

“Oh, hello,” you greet, surprised to see a familiar face working here. He’s wearing a tank-top and some slacks, and this time you think the attire is appropriate given how much he was sweating.

The owner, Franky, had more than generously came to pick up your mobile and gave you a ride along the way, saying it would be done the same day. I have a reliable repairman, he said more than just a bit too loudly for comfort.

The male glances up at you for a second before going back to finish up on the vehicle he was already occupied with. “Hey, there.” You’re not too sure if he recognizes you- it’s a hard to not recognize him- but that’s fine, you just needed your car fixed.

It doesn’t take him very long to finish up on his current project before moving onto yours. He thankfully doesn’t ask any questions, it seems like the owner had already filled him in, and just starts working.

“You know,” he spares you a glance, picking up another tool. “He said it’d be done the same day but it’s still gonna take a few hours. Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“Unfortunately not,” you sigh. The only plans you had were to go back home and take a long, long nap, but there was no way you were going to walk back in this type of weather. For a while, you’re standing around a little awkwardly, fiddling with the fluffs of your sleeves before he speaks up.

“If you want you could sit inside where it’s warmer. There’s a TV and some magazines you could read to keep you occupied.” You debate that for a bit, looking through the glass door to the waiting area, but ultimately decide to stick around for a bit longer.

“It’s fine,” you say with a smile. You could wait inside later, for now you’d want to wander a bit. It’s not every day you’d get to go to an auto-repair shop and you’ve always been a bit curious with how often Kid yells about it in the bar. “Would it be alright if I take a look around?”

He gives a grunt of approval and you make yourself comfortable, roaming the workshop. It’s quite big, and you hadn’t noticed ‘til now that the walls were painted in vibrant blues, red, and yellow. It matched the owner’s eccentric personality.

“Oh,” a stand hidden to the back of the shop catches your attention; a lone umbrella resting on its handles. Yours- to be more precise. “You use an umbrella during snow time?” You hadn’t bothered to ask for it back, the thought never really occurred to you. Considering they weren’t that expensive buying a new one wouldn’t be much of a hassle. If anything, you were more surprised he’s kept it around.

The male clears his throat, stopping whatever it was he was doing to your car and wipes his hands down with a towel. “Actually,” he admits sheepishly, “I’ve been meaning to return it to you. I just kept forgetting.”

You raise a brow, “You knew it was mine?”

“I’ve seen you use it around campus before,” he admits. “Not a lot of people use an umbrella while it’s snowing, and the color’s pretty vibrant so it’s hard to not notice. I had wanted to give it to you when I visited the bar, but you were constantly busying yourself so I never got the chance.”

A chuckle escapes your lips at his little confession. He seemed like such an intimidating guy, with the furrowed brows and scar over his eye, but he was a lot more awkward than one would expect. “Well,” you catch his attention. “I’m working there again tomorrow night if you want to come give it to me in person.” December is when you’re sparing hopeful glances at the door every time the bell chimes.

“Expecting someone?” Shakky teases, coming behind the bar and pouring herself a glass.

“Something like that,” you mutter before making your way past her to attend to someone in the corner of the room. It’s the same person from around two weeks ago- he’s louder this time, but there were also less customers tonight and no one seems to be complaining any so you let it slide. “Yes? How may I hELP-?!”

What you can’t let slide is how he forcefully grabs your wrist and essentially drags your body to lean over the table. “Ah, damn,” you’re used to drunks, not idiots. He has a permanent grin plastered over his lips and his grip on your wrist tightens. “I can’t let go! Guess we must be soulmates!”

There is no explaining the disgust that washes over your face. “Sir, I’m asking you politely to let go.”

Everyone who goes here knows that it’s simply an unwritten rule to not fight unless you wanted to be beaten half to death. Not by you- dear lord no- Shakky on the other hand was ruthless and you’d never want to end up on the other side of her fist.

Ever.

“Huh?” He slurs, “didn’t I just tell you that I can’t let go?”

“I’m telling you-” before you’re able to get anymore words out another hand wraps around the older man’s wrist, successfully shutting you up. For a second, the dread of it being one of his friends rises, but it’s quickly crushed by the voice that follows.

“I’m sure you’re not deaf. She said let go.”

The bar is dead silent for a few seconds before the man roughly releases his grip on your arm. A bit gentler would’ve been nice, you internally grumble, rubbing the sore area.

“Hey there, could I ask exactly what you were trying to do with my precious barkeep?” Your boss comes over, leaning against the table. She gives you a wink and a slight nudge of her head towards the break room and you don’t think twice before leaving the scene, your green haired friend following close behind.

“Is your wrist alright?” He questions as soon as the door closes. “My bad for being late, I got held back by some work Franky wanted done.”

His hand reaches out to gently hold your wrist and a spark of electricity shocks you both. Usually, your first instinct would be to flinch and pull away, but he has a firm grip.

“Uhm,” you glance down, then back up at him. “It’ll probably bruise tomorrow but it’s nothing to worry too much about...”

His face is unreadable, and after a couple seconds his ears turn a faint shade of red. “I can’t let go.”

You chuckle at his poor attempt of a joke. “C’mon now, we just went through this.” You lift your free hand to pry his fingers off your wrist only to feel the same electric shock as earlier. It doesn’t hurt, only stinging enough to really initially surprise anyone, but you quickly realize he wasn’t trying to pull your leg.

Oh.

“So,” he awkwardly lifts his other hand. “I brought your umbrella.”

[merakiaes]

In The Heat Of The Moment - Aaron Hotchner

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x reader

Requested: By @forgottenword​

Prompts: #3 from the common trope-list. 

Warnings/notes: Unprotected sex. Wrap it before you tap it, kids. I’m extremely bad at writing smut so I apologize in advance for the shitty quality😩 I want to stress that my smut requests are CLOSED, this was an only exception because I liked the concept, so please don’t send in smut requests because hey will be deleted. This turned out a lot longer than I planned but oh well. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think. Thank you <3 NOT PROOFREAD

Wordcount: 7175

Summary: When having a fever and being caught in the rain, you’re bound to be freezing and in need of heat. And what better way to get warmed up than by sharing a bed with your boss? 

You and Aaron Hotchner had never gotten along as well as co-workers should in your line of work. You were great agents, great people, when you were separated. But when you were together… Well, let’s just say that it was never a pretty sight.

You had joined the BAU around the same time and despite only being beginners back then, you were both great at what you did. But putting you together on your first job was everything but a match made in heaven.

You were a bit younger than him and you were used to being criticized by men your entire life, so when working with Hotch turned out to be no different, you became competitive and determined to show your worth to him and your fellow agents.

You could easily just shoot your enemy if you ever felt threatened in the field, but when it came to Hotch, your co-worker, your only line of defense was your quick-witted sarcasm.

In Hotch’s eyes, you behaved like a child from the start and he wanted nothing more than to just have you transferred, but the longer you worked together, the more used to it he got.

He still didn’t like it though, not one bit, but it was bearable back when you’d had Gideon to step in and calmly settle your differences whenever those popped up. Which, let’s be honest, was often.

But now he was gone and Hotch had stepped up to take the leading position, and even though you hadn’t been interested in that position, yourself, you hated that he now had the higher ground and the perfect shot to make your life a living hell just like you had, knowingly, made his.

If you wanted to go to the crime scene, he sent you to question potential witnesses. If you wanted to question potential witnesses, he sent you to the crime scene. If you specifically asked to do something, he made you do the exact opposite and if you specifically asked not to do something, that’s exactly what he forced you to do. And now that he was your superior rather than your equal, you were in no place to argue, no matter how much you wanted to.

You wouldn’t go as far as to say you hated each other; you respected him and he respected you, but you just couldn’t stand each other and the way the two of you always seemed to criticize the other’s capability of getting the job done.

He always underestimated you and condescendingly shook his head at your every move, and you just couldn’t help but run your mouth about how he did everything wrong when you were with him.

It could be amusing to see you bicker, to say the least, but eventually, the team was starting to get tired of the way your disagreements and inability to work together was constantly threatening to ruin the case, so they were more than relieved when, finally, the two of you were beginning to settle down.

When Haley filed for a divorce, you were the only one on the team who didn’t change your entire persona. While the others walked on eggshells around him, always afraid to say the wrong thing and make him snap, you remained your usual big-mouthed, snarky self, never letting him catch a break.

Up until then, you had never been anything other than a major pain in his ass, but under these circumstances, the fact that you didn’t go out of your way to feel sorry for him provided a kind of security for him.

You approached him about it once after a case on which he had shown himself more agitated and reckless than usual, telling him that he could talk to you if he wanted to, but after that, you just left him alone to deal with everything the way he wanted to.

Knowing he had the support but also being given the choice to choose on his own rather than having the support forced upon him was just what he needed and in your own, dysfunctional way, you grew closer because of it.

He started to willingly take you along during cases while he sent the others to deal with other aspects, as opposed to the past where the last thing he wanted was to be stuck with just you, knowing you’d find some way to go against his wishes just to spite him.

He’d always known that you were a great person and an even greater agent and profiler, even though he would never admit it out loud, but it was only after his divorce that he really came to see you in a different light.

However, despite his newfound fondness of you, there were still rules to be followed; ones he, as a leader, could not look past if broken.

One of the most important rules were that you couldn’t get attached or emotionally involved in a case. Being able to remain objective was of the utmost importance in order to not risk jeopardizing the entire investigation and this specifically, you’d never had a problem with.

You felt for the families and victims of course, but you knew that in order to do your job, you had to close yourself off to the grief they were feeling. Struggling with this was more common for the others on the team, but you did alright.

But then there was the rule that emphasized the importance of staying at home or at least in the office if you ever happened to get sick, and the most important rule, at least for you, not to lie or go against your boss’s orders. And you had broken both of them.

It had started out with a light cough and a runny nose; nothing too alarming seeing as it could easily pass for allergies, which just so happened to be the excuse you used when confronted about it.

Eventually the cough disappeared and your nose dried up, leading you to believe that the excuse you had been telling everyone for three days straight could actually be the truth, but then came the fever, out of nowhere in the middle of the night.

You laid awake trembling and sweating through your sheets both at the same time, and yet, you pulled your ass out of bed the next morning and got to work, completely ignoring the fact that you were obviously not well.

And as was only natural, the light fever got worse and brought several other complications with it as you kept pushing yourself in the field. You became short of breath easier and your ears started hurting, bringing back the terrible memories from your childhood back when you’d get the worst ear infections on a frequent basis for years.

But you’d just been invited into a new case, one that took longer than they usually did and one that you just so happened to get attached to, against your better judgement. You kept getting sicker and you tried your hardest to hide it, because you just couldn’t leave your team in those desperate times.

You were also, as you always had been, too stubborn to admit the fact that you needed help and rest, and so you sucked it up and pretended that you were fine, something that seemed to go unnoticed as the others were just as caught up in the job and determined to get to the bottom of the case as you were.

And you did, get to the bottom of it, as you always did. You solved the case, identified and tracked down the unsub and went in for the arrest.

Hotch and Prentiss went around the back and you and Reid went in through the house while Morgan and Rossi stood by the police cars, waiting for Hotch’s orders to come in.

You and Reid were the ones to find the man first, catching him off-guard and holding him at gunpoint until Hotch and Prentiss appeared from the back and handcuffed him.

You were able to complete the arrest and save the hostage before anything could happen to her, and luckily, the state you were in hadn’t affected the case nor your ability to work.

But once everything was safe, you subconsciously let down the façade you had been putting on for the past few days and as you walked out of the house, a sudden wave of dizziness hit you and sent you falling to the ground before you had even reached the cars.

Morgan, having had his eyes on you when you walked out, was the first one to witness it and rushed to your side, alerting your fellow team members. By then, you were knocked out cold from the exhaustion and as the medics at the scene rushed up, they noted aloud that you had a very high fever and had to get to the hospital.

You were rushed there in the ambulance that had originally been for the hostage should she have needed to be treated, and as you laid unconscious, Hotch sat by your side, glaring at you despite the fact that you couldn’t even see it.

Luckily, your carelessness hadn’t come in the way of the case as you hadn’t hit rock bottom until it was all over, but in a worst case scenario it could’ve affected your ability to properly do your job which was exactly why the rules said you couldn’t work when sick.

But despite the fact that everything had worked out, you had gone against the rules by hiding your sickness and working despite it, which was the sole reason of your sudden collapse and also the reason that Hotch was now forced to drive all the way back to Quantico as the doctor hadn’t cleared you for flying with your ear infection, and it was safe to say that he was not happy about it.

“You put the entire team in danger today.” He spoke for the first time since you had sat down in the car, in which you had been seated for the past forty minutes.

Forty, painfully slow minutes of thick and tense silence, both of you just waiting in dread for the argument that was sure to come.

But even then, now that the silence had been broken, you didn’t feel any better.

“I know.” You replied simply from where you sat beside him in the passenger seat.

You stared out the window lazily, slumped in your seat and breathing slowly, each breath fogging up the glass and dimming the view of the darkening sky outside.

Your ears picked up on the sound of crunching leather, no doubt being caused by Hotch’s grip tightening on the steering wheel. “Is that all you have to say?” He asked bitterly. Annoyance was radiating off of him and the tone in his voice only made its existence more evident.

An unintentional sigh of exhaustion left your lips and for the first time, you dared to turn your head to look at him. “What do you want me to do?” You asked. “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it.” He wasted no time in answering, not even bothering to look at you, and this time you could see with your own eyes how his grip on the wheel hardened, his knuckles turning white.

You turned your attention back to the window and let out another long breath through your nose, but Hotch was nowhere near finished.

“What if your fever had caused you to black out in the middle of the arrest? You could’ve been ambushed from behind, too weak to fight back, and died. Reid would’ve been on his own, without backup, and could’ve died.”

Once again you turned your head to look at him, your face wiped free of emotion as you stared into his side profile.

“It’s of the utmost importance that we’re always on top of our game. We can not afford to take chances like these. You can’t-“ He sighed, sparing you the briefest of glances. “You can’t lie to me, to us, about the state of your health. By doing so, not only are you endangering yourself, but you’re endangering us all. The team, and the hostages. I won’t be able to look past this, my hands will be tied of it comes down to an evaluation.”

He wanted you to feel guilty and you understood, because you knew that you had been stupid and reckless and that you had behaved inappropriately and done what you just couldn’t do in this line of work. But no matter how deep and thick the guilt settled in the pit of your stomach, you knew his threats of ‘not being able to look past it’ were empty.

After all, he had done the exact same thing on more than one occasion since the divorce; gotten so indulged in the case at hand that he had recklessly and inappropriately broken protocol, because of which he had taken a lot of heat lately.

But still, the string you were still holding on to, the string of getting to keep your job, was short and weak, and the only thing keeping you quiet, something Hotch was taking full advantage of.

He kept scolding you for at least five more minutes, but you weren’t listening to any of it, too distracted by the painful pressure in your ears and completely out of it, barely even able to hang on to reality in your disoriented and feverish state.

The heat in the car was cranked up to the max, and yet you were shivering in your seat, shrinking back into your thin sweater as far as you could in a desperate attempt to preserve your bodily heat.

But no matter how hot your skin was to the touch, you were freezing, and it wasn’t until the weather outside took a complete three-sixty turn, forcing Hotch to put his disapproving scolding on hold in order to concentrate on not driving you into a ditch in the blinding rain, that he took the time to take note of your state.

In any other case you would’ve been all too aware of his eyes on you, but right now, you could barely even stay awake.

The pain in your ears was for the most part gone for the moment, but the fever only seemed to have gotten worse, and it showed in more ways than one. And it was in the way you had barely said a word to him, which was a near never-occurring thing, that Hotch realized that you really weren’t well.

An unsure silence fell as a blanket over the car for a moment as his eyes kept flickering back and forth between the road and you, where you were barely able to keep your own eyes open.

“Are you alright?” He finally questioned and he waited for a long moment for you to answer, and when he got none, he cautiously moved his hand out to touch your knee. “(Y/N).”

Your eyes shot open and your head whipped around to face him at the sound of your name and the feeling of his hand on your leg. “Hm?” You asked in an absent manner, instantly regretting your hasty movements when your head started throbbing.

“Are you alright?” He repeated, eyebrows creasing in worry when you raised your hand to your forehead and closed your eyes.

You took a steady breath, trying to calm your spinning head, before carefully shaking it. “No.”

“Are you ears hurting?”

“My head.” You took another breath, squeezing your eyes shut at the painful jabbing at the side of your head, feeling them sting like they would when you’d spent hours upon hours crying.

Hotch watched from the side as you rubbed your forehead and temples, taking note of how hard you were squeezing your eyes shut and how badly you were shivering. Slowly but surely, he felt the anger he had previously been feeling melting off.

He said nothing else, giving your sullen face a last glance before turning his attention back to the road in front of him. But his hand didn’t move, remaining at your knee where his thumb rubbed soft, absentminded circles as an attempt to offer you some comfort.

For a second it made your heart flutter like never before, but soon enough, you’d forgotten all about it, only being able to focus on how incredibly shitty you were feeling. Not only physically, but mentally too, because Hotch had been right about everything he had said.

You were sweating like crazy, feeling trapped in the car where you couldn’t escape your thoughts and the guilt that was getting bigger by the minute, and you wanted nothing more than to get out and breathe some fresh air.

So when Hotch stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank and get some water and painkillers for your head, you did just that, not even being able to process the fact that the rain was still pouring down until it was too late.

You stood with your back leaned against the car, hugging yourself tightly and shivering even more than before as your clothes were now soaked, but the crisp air felt nice and was a blessing for your aching head.

Hotch came out of the gas station three minutes later and spotted you immediately, wasting no time in breaking into a run in your direction.

“What are you doing?! You’re already sick!” He yelled over the sound of rain harshly colliding into the exterior of the car.

You didn’t have the energy to fight back, simply continuing to rub your forehead. “I’m sorry, it was so stuffed in there, I needed to get out.” You mumbled silently, and he sighed, walking around you to open your car door.

“Get back in the car.” He ordered, and you did as told, allowing him to help you inside and waiting for him to close the door behind you before leaning against it.

He quickly got in in the driver’s seat and wasted no time in starting the car and cranking the heat up the little way further that was possible, throwing the bottle of water and packet of painkillers into the backseat.

“You’re shaking, we need to get you dry and warm.” He said as he fuzzed over you, silently urging you to take off your outer layer and helping you do so.

He drove out of the gas station once you were properly situated again, holding your hands in his in an attempt to warm them up.

You drove for a while longer and soon enough, Hotch took a right and parked the car. But you were half asleep and completely out of it, barely even able to process that he’d left you until the door you were leaning against opened, causing you to fall right into his chest and forcing you awake.

“Here, take this.” He wasted no time in draping you in a thick, scratchy blanket that you’d never seen before.

Nevertheless, you didn’t protest, getting out of the car and staying glued to his side as he walked you in the direction of the hotel you were now apparently parked in front of.

Once you reached the door to the room you guessed he’d fixed you for the night, he unlocked the door, ushered you inside and locked the door behind you.

Out of pure instinct, your hand moved to the light switch right next to the front door, only to discover that the power was out.

You were still dizzy, your skin burning hot but freezing to your core, but you were awake now, and all you wanted was a hot shower, so your second instinct was to head into the bathroom to test the water, and just your luck, the hot water was gone, as well.

Shivering, you turned back to face the entirety of the room, the only light in sight being the light of the moon streaming in through the windows and Hotch’s phone as he used it to find his way around.

“There’s no hot water.” You deadpanned, hugging yourself close and standing still in the middle of the room.

“The power is out and there’s a flood down the road, the woman at the counter said it could take a while for it to return so we’ll have to make do with what we’ve got in the meanwhile and get you out of your wet clothes.” Hotch wasted no time in replying as he busied himself with un-making one of the two beds.

He didn’t even spare you as much as a glance but you watched him for a moment longer, taking in his hurried movements as he ripped the blankets of the bed you presumed would be his, instead placing them on the bed with your name on it.

You knew he could feel your eyes on him, but when he didn’t turn around, you let out a breath through your nose and uncrossed your arms from over your chest, instead beginning to undress yourself.

And let me tell you, that’s not an easy task when you’re shivering like a chihuahua and have an a hundred and three degree fever and the current strength of an infant.

Your arms were heavy, almost too heavy to lift, and your fingers trembled when you began working on the buttons of your shirt. You tried your hardest to see what you were doing but the lack of light in the room made it hard, and the more you strained your eyes, the more intense your headache and dizziness got.

By now, Hotch had finished setting up your bed and turned around to see you struggling, taking a few small steps in your direction.

“Do you need help?” He asked, and you dropped your hands to your sides.

“Yeah.”

He walked up to you and wasted no time in getting to work on your buttons. You watched his face the entire time, even in your feverish daze being able to pick up on how hard he was trying to focus his eyes on his fingers in a respectful manner.

Once the last button came undone, you turned around and allowed him to pull the article of clothing off your body, the snug fabric releasing a creaking sound as it was pulled off your wet skin.

Hotch wordlessly walked over to the desk placed in the room and hung the shirt over the back of a chair, while you went to work on your pants.

Luckily, this piece of clothing only had one button and you managed to get it undone without too much trouble, sitting down on your bed and pulling them off – this part taking a bit more struggle seeing as they were stuck to your skin just like the shirt had been.

But you managed and wasted no time in crawling under the multitude of blankets that Hotch had neatly piled up on the bed, tucking yourself in as tightly as possible and pulling them up to your nose in an attempt to fill the inside of the cocoon with warm air.

It worked to an extent, your skin quickly regaining its previous heat and feeling so hot to the touch that one could’ve easily thought that you were on the verge of burning up.

But it did nothing to warm your core, and no matter how hard you tried keeping the shivers at bay by relaxing your body and keeping your breaths steady, it was to no use.

You laid there in silence for a good moment, becoming unaware of your surroundings once again, including the pair of eyes burning into the side of your face from across the room.

Hotch watched you closely while he followed his own advice and discarded his wet shirt, unbuckling his belt, hanging it on a chair and kicking off his shoes and socks.

Dressed now only in his damp slacks, he moved to grab the bottle of water and painkillers that he’d gotten from the gas station, and continued to the side of your bed, where he crouched down in front of you.

“Take this.” He instructed and you opened your eyes, pushing yourself up with all your might so that you could take the outstretched items from his hand.

You swallowed the pill with two gulps of water and fell right back into bed once he had taken the bottle back, pulling the blankets up to your nose again.

He stood back up to his full height and as a strong shiver went down your spine, the words tumbled out of your mouth before you could stop yourself.

“I need more heat, this isn’t enough. You’ll have to lay with me.”

Hotch’s face pulled into one of mild surprise at the sound of your unexpected words, and he instantly started protesting. “I don’t think-“

But you interrupted, staring up at him with those angry eyes that he so often found himself at the receiving end of. “I’m freezing my ass off and you’re cold, too. I’m not about to let you sleep without blankets. It’s just until the power and hot water comes back.”

He stared back at you, face ever so stoic. “Fine.” He gave in, and only then did you soften your glare.

You closed your eyes as he began removing his pants, slowly scooting back on the bed to make room for him, and you couldn’t help but let out a breath of relief when he lifted the covers and slid in next to you.

Your skin was hot with fever but somehow, his was even hotter, burning you to the touch.

You were still freezing, but as he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close, you instantly found it easier to relax, your shivering toning down a great deal.

Out of pure instinct, you snuggled further into his chest and you could feel on the stiffness of his body that he was uncomfortable and unsure of how to react in the situation you’d so inconveniently found yourself in.

Opening your eyes as far as your heavy eyelids would let you, you found him to be staring up into the roof. But the second he felt your heavy gaze on him, he turned his head to the side to meet your eyes.

Heat flushed through your entire body and you had been aroused enough times to recognize the feeling.

You knew all of this had started off innocent, a person simply trying to warm up another person as an act of kindness and basic human decency, and you never would’ve had these impure thoughts about him in any other situation, but your body was reacting on its own to the feeling of his skin against yours, and so was his.

Your faces were close to each other, mere inches apart, and before you were able to stop yourself, you leaned in closer and brushed your lips against his.

He retaliated immediately, pulling back and looking down at you with an unreadable expression written all over his face.

He told himself that the fever was making you confused and disoriented, but when you moved back in for a second attempt, this time with a lot more clarity in your eyes and confidence in your movements, he didn’t pull back.

You remained still for the entirety of the kiss, your lips just pressed against each other’s with little to no extended movements. When you came apart again, your breaths were heavy but the sound of your heart beating loudly in your ears was the only thing you could hear.

You stared into each other’s eyes and your eyes momentarily fluttered shut when he brought his hand up and grazed your lower lip with his thumb.

And then his lips were on yours again, and this time you just kept going.

His hands cradled your face and you laid down flat on your back, wrapping your arms around his neck and opening your legs to allow him to move on top of you. You pulled him impossibly close, a surge of sudden energy bursting through your entire body.

He was a gentleman at heart but he didn’t bother asking you if you were sure, knowing better than anyone that you were more than capable of telling him if you weren’t. You were both adults, you knew exactly what you were doing.

You’d had your fair share of rendezvouses throughout your life, but none had left you feeling like this.

Passion, desperation, fervor, urgency, impatience, hunger, eagerness, and every single other synonym that could be used to describe the lustful attraction between two people were currently battling in your body.

But more present than any other feeling was the anger; anger directed at you, fueled by the way you had put yourself and your entire team at risk by lying about the state of your health, and anger directed at him, fueled by the way he had always underestimated you and doubted your abilities.

You were both furious in all ways possible and neither of you had any plans on stopping, his hands already making their way down your body and heading straight for the direction of the place where you needed him the most.

His hands were warm but yours were cold, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake as they traveled his arms, chest, shoulders and neck.

One of your hands stayed at his neck, tracing light touches over his throat and jaw, while the other one moved down the length of your own body to meet with his where it was hovering above the line of your underwear.

You grabbed a hold of it and pushed his palm flat against the bottom of your stomach, urging him to continue, and he didn’t waste a second, dipping his hand inside the waistband of the thin fabric that was still wet from the rain and resting uncomfortably against your skin.

Breath getting caught in your throat and heart palpitating in your chest, you pushed your head back into the pillow, your eyes falling shut at the pleasurable feeling of his fingers finding your core, your lips coming apart in the process.

Instead, his face bent down and nuzzled the crook of your neck, lips leaving slow kisses behind as he adjusted his hand.

It obviously wasn’t going as smoothly as he’d like though, the wet fabric getting caught on his skin and causing a frustrated sound to escape his throat.

“These need to go.” He mumbled into the skin of your shoulder and you eagerly nodded, completely ignoring the headache that was still going strong.

You raised your hips to allow him access, and he wasted no time in pushing the underwear off your legs, leaving you to shake them off your feet.

They got lost somewhere underneath the numerous blankets but you couldn’t care less, your hands hurrying down to the waistband of his boxers.

He drew in a breath at the feeling of your icy cold fingers, but made no move to stop you, helping you in ridding himself of the only remaining clothing he had on and then moving on to unclasp your bra, carelessly throwing it onto the floor and latching his lips back onto yours.

His hand returned to your heat and just like he had done mere seconds before, you sucked in a sharp breath as his fingers dipped in, running a line up your folds before pushing their way inside.

He hooked his finger down into your entrance to gather some of your wetness, bringing it up all the way along your slit and stopping only when he reached the sensitive bundle of nerves that was just throbbing with need.

That’s when the first moan of many to come left your lips, being muffled into the kiss and your stomach exploding with butterflies.

But just like with any other aspect of your life, you were impatient, so when he pushed a finger inside of you, you broke free of the kiss and shook your head, reaching your hand down to stop him by his wrist.

“No, you’re going too slow.” You panted, pulling his hand away and looking into his darkened eyes. “I need you, now.”

Your voice thinned into a whisper toward the end and you brought your hands back up to his face.

He remained still for a few seconds, just looking at you with his usual stoic expression and pursed lips, but the soon dipped down to meet your face again, brushing his lips against yours so lightly you could barely feel it, before pressing down with more force.

What started off as a close-mothed kiss quickly turned into an open-mouthed one, and you moved down on the mattress, raising your legs to wrap them around his waist as he positioned himself at your entrance.

He wasn’t fully erected yet, as was to be expected seeing as you had barely touched him and things had moved so quickly, but the second he was fully sheathed inside of you, that changed in an instant.

The feeling of being filled so perfectly caused your face to screw up in pleasure and he couldn’t help but let a small groan slip past his lips, really showing how long it had been since he last partook in sexual activities.

But he wasn’t the only one who had gone untouched for a long period of time. When you worked a job as stressful and time-consuming as yours, it was hard to find enough spare time to get out and meet any potential lovers, so it was safe to say that it had been just as long for you as it had for him and it didn’t take long for you to let out a moan to match his own.

He wasted no time in starting to move, encouraged to do so by the way your legs tightened around his hips to pull him in deeper.

You clung to him with all your might as he slowly but surely picked up his pace and found a good rhythm, squeezing your eyes shut and being reminded of the fever you still had when feeling the brims of your eyes sting.

Your hands moved to grasp at the back of his head and you pressed your lips against his, baiting a groan from his throat when tightening your grip on the strands of raven hair you held between your fingers.

His movements were confident and his lips moved skillfully from yours to your jaw, down to your neck before settling in the crook of your neck.

One of his hands moved from the mattress to hold on to the headboard of the bed and his toned arm flexing and unflexing right over your face was without a doubt the most attractive sight you’d ever seen.

“Hotch...” You moaned out between thrusts, and he grumbled in return.

“Aaron.” He corrected you darkly, and you drew in a gasp of air at the sound.

“Aaron-” You began repeating, but was quickly cut off by your own moan and after that, no more words were spoken.

The heavy breaths he released in the crook between your neck and shoulder only added to the already existing dampness on your skin, courtesy of the fever that you had almost forgotten was still there, and it was only now that the heat that had previously been restricted to the outer layer of your skin caught up with the rest of your body and made its way into your core.

The only sounds that could be heard was the heavy rain smattering on the metal ceiling outside your room, mixing in with the pants and low moans and groans escaping your lips, the creaking of the headboard that Hotch was holding on to for dear life, and the slapping of skin on skin.

He didn’t slow down once and not as much as a word was spoken, every emotion and feeling instead being voiced in sounds of pleasure and the occasional kiss when he brought his head up from your neck for air.

You got completely lost in the pleasure and you had no idea how long you went on for, but soon enough, you were beginning to get sore, the pleasure starting to switch into a mild discomfort.

But as if right on cue, the guttural groans muffling into your damp skin became more frequent, and before you knew it, Hotch’s entire body tensed up as he reached his climax and released inside of you.  

But you weren’t quite there yet, never having been able to orgasm just by penetration.

You didn’t know how he was able to do both at the same time, but as he rode out his high, Hotch brought his hand down from the headboard and in between your bodies at the same time, heading right for the throbbing bundle of nerves where he wasted no time in getting to work.

That was the final touch you needed for your stomach to begin to turn. The combination of the way he was hitting the perfect spot over and over again and his thumb showing no mercy was so intense that you reached your high in no time.

You pressed your face into his neck just like he was doing yours, your fingers tugging on his hair so harshly that you probably crossed the line between pleasurable and painful. But he didn’t make note on it, picking up his pace as a string of curses left your lips, blending with your moans and mixing with his name, something he was clearly liking the sound of.

And just as you toppled of the edge, bright flashes flashing on the inside of your eyelids as your entire stomach pulled into a tight knot, the lights in the ceiling of the room flashed as well, the radiator over by the window buzzing to life as the power returned.

Talk about timing.

He kept on pumping into you with sloppy, lazy thrusts as you rode out your high and as soon as he felt you relax around him again, his entire body slumped against yours in a moment of exhaustion.

You laid limp, chest rising and falling in quick pants as you caught your breath. His hand moved up to hold himself upright by the head of the bed and your hands remained at the back of his neck, fingers gently pulling through his hair that was now damp with sweat.

After a moment of silence, he moved off of you, allowing you to properly breathe.

“How’s your head?” He asked.

His voice was strained and it was clear that now that the arousal was gone and everything was over and done with, neither of you had any idea of how to act.

Pulling one of the blankets up to your shoulders and holding it in place over you previously exposed chest, you cleared your throat.

“All good.” You replied breathlessly and just then, reality came crashing back down, an involuntary shiver going down your spine and rocking your entire body as it became aware of the chilliness of the air around you.  

He caught on to this at once and turned his head to look at you with a deadpanned expression. “You’re still shivering, you should go take a warm shower before you go to sleep.”

His words brought a small snort from your lips. “I’m not shivering, I’m trembling. There’s a difference.” You answered, raising an eyebrow. “But I won’t say no to a shower.” You sighed, and as you wasted no time in beginning to get out of the bed, Hotch averted his eyes to the roof to give you some privacy.

The cold air hit you like a train when you removed the blankets from your body, your shivers becoming worse now with the layer of drying sweat on your skin.

It wasn’t until you stood up that the fever came crashing down on you with full force again, a spell of hot dizziness taking over you. You had to hold on to the wall beside the bed to regain your composure and once you did, you began walking, only then realizing how sore you really were.

As quickly as your quivering legs would take you, you walked into the bathroom and flicked on the light in the ceiling before heading straight for the shower.

As you turned on the faucet this time, you were pleased to discovered that the hot water had returned along with the power, and you closed your eyes in satisfaction even when the water had yet to touch any other part of your body than your fingers.

You remained standing there for a moment, holding yourself upright by the sink while waiting for the water to reach the perfect temperature.

You then brought your hand back to yourself and turned back around as you let the water run behind you.

Hotch was still in your bed, now having moved into a sitting position and absentmindedly fiddling with the watch on his wrist, seeming to be deep in thought.

And you were a profiler. You could tell with no struggle at all what was bothering him; guilt, most likely directed toward Haley as he had just been with another woman for the first time since the divorce.

The fact made you feel all kinds of feelings, and you slowly walked back to the doorway, on which you leaned as you continued watching him from a distance.

“I’m still really cold, you know.” You commented lamely, hoping that he’d take the hint on what you were trying to say.

His head slowly turned in your direction, his eyes tired and lips pulled into a straight line. His eyes wandered your still naked form for the briefest of second, but he quickly caught himself and averted them to yours.

“I thought you said you weren’t cold anymore.” He answered in a monotone voice, and you raised your eyebrows in return.

“Did I? I don’t think I did.” You played, absentmindedly tapping your fingers against the wooden doorframe.

He stared at you for a second, not seeming to care about you in the slightest anymore. But tthe way his lips then pulled into a small smile when looking at you showed you that he did, in fact, catch on to your intent.

And when he wordlessly got out of bed and started walking in your direction, leading you into the shower with a featherlight touch to the small of your back, you knew for a fact that the moment of passion you had just shared had been much more than just an act executed in the heat of the moment.

But if you thought that you were off the hook regarding your irresponsible behavior during the case just because you now happened to have your boss wrapped around your finger, you had another thing coming.

Tagged: @must-be-a-weasley-92​ @zizzlekwum​ @cozytruecrimeaddict​ @lovelynervouskingdom​ @rousethemouse​

(If you want to be added or removed from the tag list, send me a message, ask or leave a comment)

[ateezinmymind]

I see you're open to request. Can I have an ateez reaction to their s/o using the safe word??? 🤧🤧

a/n: sorry it took so long😔💔here you are!! Oh yeah and I just put ‘red’ as the safe word :x &im sorry if this isn’t what you wanted🥺

~SMUT~ angst, light fluff

please, please, dont take my writing as anything else but pure fiction!! I do not condone the actions written in this

warning: slight s/o non-con,foul language,, please don’t read if uncomfortable <3

Hongjoong:

when he came home- immediately bringing you to the bedroom,,and shoving you on the bed

frantically removing the both of your clothes, you were a bit worried..usually he went slowly into it with you. “Ahhh shit y/n I need you bad,,could you lay down for me?”

complying with him, not even spending the time to prep you-he thrusts himself in. Letting out a deep sigh, hongjoong then nips at your neck. Being all rushed and not ready for him, you didn’t feel pleasure in it. “Joong..” -biting then sucking harshly on your skin he shakily breathes out a moan

not getting him to listen to you,,trying to speak again you tap his shoulder-“Joong...ah..r-red..red”

He literally jumps off of you and holds his face, “Oh my god..y/n..” scared of himself-he didn’t know what took over him, “oh-my-god-oh-my-“

Interrupting him with a hug, you try to comfort the man losing his mind. “Hey..hey, it’s okay! Don’t worry too much about babe..it just didn’t feel right”

From there on hongjoong wouldn’t stop thinking about what he did,, and he’d always make sure you were okay and comfortable with everything

Seonghwa:

when he got carried away, endlessly pounding into you-something with him was off

from the harsh words spilling out of his mouth, and the painful thrusts you let out a whimper

“A-ah..ahh” the far too fast pace making you bring tears to your eyes-Seonghwa was too distracted in the pleasure to see you in discomfort—instead he starting praising you

“You..feel so good..ah..you’re taking me so well“-but really you weren’t taking him well at all. it was hurting-the force of him sheathing himself inside was everything but pleasurable..

He started off very gentle, but then he got this urge for aggressive thrusts-feeling you couldn’t take it anymore, eyes squeezed shut,tear glazed cheeks you sob out, “s-Seonghwa..RED, please it hurts”

Stilling himself he looked down at your painful expressions and uneasiness. “Y/n? Babygirl,oh no, love..are you okay!”-“Tell me where it hurts!”-“please stay here”

He’d make you a warm bath and ease the two of you in, finally relaxing-Seonghwa would whisper non stop, apologies and regrets

Yunho:

when he came to you laying on the couch, and started feeling you up-you knew the boy was NEEDY

But when he started taking off your clothes, you were wondering where his mind went. You now only in undergarments, he unzips his pants and pushes you over the armrest

Harshly squeezing your ass pressing you further on the couch, it began to be painful..then he slipped himself in. Immediately making deep and harsh thrusts, causing your body to continuously pound on the hard armrest

Gasping for air, the piercing pain in your chest made you let out a choked cry-“uh..hmff..yu-nho” but hearing your cry he was trying to chase his release faster..which meant continuous agony

When he placed his hands on the small of your back, you shrieked in pain-“Ou-owww st..stopp,, red, red!” Finally breathing in the first full gasp of air you let it back out in exhaustion. “Oh shit,,oh my god-“

Your limp body resting on the couch, he literally thought he broke you-“y/n,,baby-oh my god” he’d be the fastest to flip you back on the cushions and examine your body.. “please, please forgive me..I..I didn’t mean to get out of control I-“

“Yunho,”-deep breath-“it’s fine, just give me a sec” his heart literally BROKE, tears would pool in his eyes,, he’d never forgive himself for hurting you.

Yeosang:

when he started squeezing you a little too tight, you thought he’d realize sooner..but his frantic pace was almost animalistic

his arms wrapped around your waist as he entered you. Folding over your body-moaning he got lost in pleasure..the hold on your torso tightening as his thrusts became sporadic

Your insides feeling compressed to the point where you were worried of potential damage, you grunt in pain

Then when he shifted to digging his fingers into to hips, you could stand it anymore-“Red..” he’d immediately let go of you and shift back-scared of himself-

He’d stare at his hands, then look up at your body sprawled on the bed..red hand marks visible on your torso he yelps..”what the fuck is wrong with me?! Y/n I..I.. I’m so sorry, I-“

Hands immediately going to soothe your aches you feel wet drops land on your skin,,opening your eyes to a worried, crying boy mumbling out his frustration towards himself

“Yeo, please stop beating yourself up..I know you didn’t mean to-you’re okay” staring into your orbs he’d lurch into your neck..quietly sobbing-“I just don’t know what came over me, i..I am so so sorry”

San:

when you were pulled harshly by your hair and fiercely grasped from your hip—you let out a whimper

There’s times where you two do go pretty rough, but today things weren’t sitting right, it just felt off—the slaps to your ass, the sharp pain in your scalp, your lower back aching-just all felt wrong

Because these actions were frequently done in the bedroom, when San heard you say a painful ‘ow’ he turned it down a bit. But then when he heard pleasurable noises coming out of you again, he went back to his rough mindset

Giving a hard spank to your ass you jolt forward and give out a cry, “you take me so well baby~” obviously enjoying himself, hearing low grunts and pants leaving his mouth

Wrapping his hand around your hair and pulling you back, your neck uncomfortable your scalp becoming sore you give a cry and whimper- “sannie red..”

In a matter of seconds you’re backed up against pillows and examined~”babygirl,, oh my-I went to rough again..didn’t I” weakly nodding your head he curses under his breath

Taking you into his arms-he’s not letting you go-“y/n I really hope you’ll be able to forgive my mistake,,I really messed up” pouty San won’t stop hugging and kissing you

Mingi:

when he repeatedly slammed you down onto him, the position on his lap wasn’t the least bit comfortable

“Yeah..yes..” Mingi spreading your legs father-the stretch starting to sting...bringing you down his length harshly, the motion cause your hips to tense up

You grab onto his shoulder and squeeze trying to ease your pain,,but it only leads to him being egged on. Moaning, his hips start thrusting up and meeting yours in strong force—causing pain to course through you in a big wave

Digging your nails into his chest you pat him as a warning,,but when he didn’t stop-your legs cramping from the position you wince out-“ow..r..red”

Quickly placing you on your back he can’t help but panic a bit-“oh..ah..y..y/n, what can I do,, oh no“-seeing you try and stretch your legs out, he immediately takes action.

Rubbing your hips, inner thighs~all the way down your leg. He can’t help but have soft eyes and pout. “I’m sorry babe, I was foolish, I’m so stupid-I hurt you” then holding your hands to apologize softly

“Mingi-you’re not stupid,,baby it was just the position~it’s okay..” cue snuggles and him trying to make you laugh

Wooyoung:

when you were forced down, choking on him-you tried to relax

But the strong grasp on your head, the repeated actions, the gagging, you needed to breathe... you’ve sucked woo off plenty of times before, but this is the first time he’s fucked your face full on.

Your vision blurry from the lack of air, drooling out of your slack jaw, you try to breathe out of your nose.

But the jerking of your head to his pelvis you’re not able too..sucking in air and hissing from pleasure-wooyoung chases his high

when you tap him on the thigh and he doesn’t pull off, now frantic for oxygen you jerk yourself out of his grip—saliva connected to your lips—you choke and croak out “fucking RED” gasping for air your mind clears up

“Oh shit—y/n..are you okay?!” leaning down to your kneeled state he grabs your face in his hands~”oh my god,,I can’t believe I did that..damn it”

Wooyoung placing your hair behind your ears he kisses your forehead. “Baby-please forgive me,,I never wanted to hurt you-“ pleading for an apology, you swallow and cough from your scratchy throat-“it’s fine Woo, but shit—I couldn’t breathe”

He’d pick you up and place you on the bed, then bring you water and snacks. “Please let me make it up to you-“

Jongho:

when your legs got pressed to your shoulders, the position making you light headed-you tiredly tried saying his name

but the new angle-perfectly-making your breathing thin out..it didn’t help that he increased his pace, and hit deeper in you.

letting a choked cry out—he slammed harder—finding you so desirable he doesn’t notice your furrowed face. Bouncing uncontrollably from his movements, your breathing so irregular-from constantly being knocked out of you

Trying to give out the strength to make him stop you go limp and cry out..hearing your plea he freezes

Grabbing onto your hands for dear life he spits out apology’s. “Y/n, love? Oh my-breathe-please” calming your breathing back to normal you weakly sigh

“I’m sorry Jongho, i just couldnt,,”

Lifting you up for a hug, he kisses your neck and wipes away your stray tears~”please..don’t apologize for what I did..y/n,,I am forever sorry for conflicting pain upon you—“

His touches from there on would be as light as a feather, so soft—he’s afraid of breaking you, a delicacy..you’re his heart. And his heart broke when he hurt you

[blookmallow]

hi i binged through all of salad fingers for the first time in like 8 years and im fixating again here are. My Theories. pls talk to me if anyone else has Thoughts or wants to discuss things. this is really long i am sorry :’ ) 

also shout out to the salad fingers wiki for helping me keep track of details and also for this 

-----

thought: salad fingers is not violent on purpose he did not mean to kill that kid 

this is less a theory and more “if you slander my boy with accusations i will Get you” but listen. i see people going “but he mURDERED A CHILD!!” because of the oven incident but listen. listen to me. he didnt mean to and cannot be held to the same standard of morality and understanding consequences as a. person who isn’t..... in whatever situation and mental state he has going on

- yes, the kid getting trapped in the oven was his fault. but it was not intentional or malicious and i sincerely doubt he understands what happened or why. 

he was asking for help reaching the fish (there’s no reason to believe he wasn’t just genuinely asking for help. he tears up in gratitude. theres no evidence of him Tricking People Maliciously in any other context i do not believe he would do that) and was distracted by the rusty nail, causing him to let go of the door. it wasn’t “he cares more about rust than about a child’s life” or something, i dont think he can actually hold “hey look at that i gotta check that out” and “i need to hold the door open so the child doesn’t get hurt” in his head at the same time, rust is his favorite stim/an impulse thing that takes over everything else and his perception of reality and the things going on around him changes very quickly and easily. more on that later. but the important point here is it wasn’t a malicious plot, or a neglectful careless action, he literally did not realize letting go of the door would cause harm 

he stabbed himself accidentally with the nail and passed out for a while (the fact that he immediately bled that much is concerning too, he probably has hemophilia which is. a medical condition outside of his control, as well) and after all that he had completely forgotten about the child altogether (and says “i must have dozed off” so he doesn’t even understand he passed out. and might not remember the nail thing in the first place) 

we don’t see what happened after this, we don’t know how he responds when he investigates the fish and inevitably finds an unexpected charred corpse in there, but i guarantee he won’t remember why its in there or understand that its a corpse. we dont see it again so its. entirely possible he didnt recognize it as a person and either just disposed of it or, uh, ate it. but if he did, it wasn’t with the knowledge and comprehension of it being A Corpse or the memory of how it got there 

theory: on salad fingers and memory / comprehension of death and consequences 

more on that subject

- we see him frequently doing things and then immediately forgetting he did it or forgetting what was happening. he accidentally squishes the bug (which also was not malicious or intentional, he intended to pet it but just. went too hard) and has no understanding either that its dead, or that he killed it. she has gone flat and gooey for some unknown reason. that’s strange. she needs to go have a wash, that’s no way to be. 

he eats the jeremy fisher puppet at one point and then immediately goes “where have you gotten to??” 

he even briefly forgets hubert cumberdale’s name and immediately comes up with another one without realizing it, and then later goes back to hubert cumberdale again with no mention of barbara logan-price 

he refers to the same little yellow guy as “young child” and also Auntie Bainbridge later on. he keeps up the fantasy of... whatever the fuck yvonne was being his child for a pretty long time but then when he arrives at “auntie bainbridge” ‘s house he suddenly forgets why he’s there, and even apparently forgets what yvonne is and uses  ‘her’ as a window rag instead and never mentions it again (I also don’t think she was in the sandwich at the end either. it’s hard to see but the sandwich contents are vaguely brown and theres a visible lump in the black goo behind him. i like the idea that the lil yellow guy made the sandwich for him) 

salad fingers is constantly subconsciously adjusting his reality to fit Whatever Makes The Most Sense At The Time and does not consistently remember things (sometimes even major things. he remembers his puppets the most consistently and still even forgets hubert’s name) or have a concept of cause and effect 

i think he possibly has some sense of recognition, “I’ve seen this person before,” but doesn’t always remember Why he knows them, and his mind just automatically fills in the blank with whatever makes sense to him. he doesn’t remember who the yellow guy is, but knows he knows them Somehow, so, ah, of course, it must be auntie bainbridge out for her sunday stroll :) and he knows he’s there for a reason, but not what that reason was, so he decides it must be time to clean the windows 

- milford cubicle was already dead when salad fingers opens the door, but he has no idea that hes dead. this isn’t even a cause for concern. my, he must be tired, that’s all. he kept milford there until he rotted away, too, so there was never a point where he realized anything was wrong (until he became skeleton. more on That later too) 

- he finds a corpse buried in the yard and rather than confronting the confusing and alarming reality of that situation, why it must be kenneth, back from the great war! at no point does he understand kenneth is definitely dead

theory: kenneth vs glass brother

i think he really did have a brother named kenneth who probably died in the war. could be some subconscious connection between “recognizing” a corpse as his brother, but i dont think he realizes any of that. i think the glass family is probably a trauma based hallucination, but a... well, reflection. pun not exactly intended lmao. on how his real family was and how they treated him

i dont think glass brother is the same brother as kenneth, since salad fingers interacts with them completely differently 

kenneth is a corpse that salad fingers projects a personality on and speaks for, while glass brother seems independent and malicious toward him. i think he had a good relationship with kenneth (so, when salad fingers imagines that he’s here, it’s cause for celebration and he’s projecting onto something inert and “safe”) and also had another brother (who was probably his twin) who bullied him and acted violently, so when that trauma resurfaces, he hallucinates a vicious Other that he cannot control or speak for.

it also tracks that the abusive brother was his twin - he sees himself reflected in the mirror, and something in his own face reminds him of that lost brother until it “becomes” him

he refers to kenneth as his younger brother, and sees him as a being that does not look like him, while glass brother is literally his reflection, so it would make sense if he had one identical twin and one younger brother 

ive seen theories that he had a real sister named bordois too, but i think him calling the bug “little sister” was just. a term of endearment or one of his little odd language quirks, he seemed to be talking to it more like a pet than like a sibling 

theory: regarding mable

- ok people are saying salad fingers killed mable at the picnic but i Really Don’t Think He Did

we never see him acting out violently when he gets scared. he tends to try to escape situations that stress him out, he shrinks, he cries, he goes into his cupboard (which is. incredibly upsetting given the fact he was almost definitely abused by his family) 

he takes on a kind of Authoritative Tone often, he gets sort of ruffled up and disdainful toward things, but that’s not what he does when he’s scared

when he’s actually distressed (rather than irritated) he tends to break down and retreat. this includes when other independent beings act in ways that unsettle and upset him 

so i dont know where the “he freaked out and killed her” idea is coming from. he suddenly goes from outside at the picnic to having a breakdown in his house so. he most likely just ran 

i think the Only time we see him act out violently is when he decides he has to punish marjory for not getting a haircut like he asked - he tears her hair out, but for me that scene was particularly concerning because it was so unlike him. that was an anger response, not a fear response, though, and he tends to be harsher toward things that he’s actually controlling (I don’t think we ever see him decide to Discipline something that was independent from him other than the horses, and he didnt hurt them) 

ordinarily when something irritates him he just goes “hmph! so distasteful. how rude. i shan’t have this behavior, you know” but doesn’t really actually do anything about it, and moves on

anyway we never see mable again so i think either he freaked out and ran away and she just didn’t come back, or he scared her and she ran away, or both 

there’s a dress visible briefly when salad fingers is making his Flesh Boy which could be mable’s (he did comment he liked it) but it’s not 100% clear, and that doesn’t necessarily mean he KILLED her for it. she could have changed into something else and left it somewhere and he found it. she could have died under unrelated circumstances, and salad fingers found her - he doesn’t comprehend death, so. probably he decided they’ve made amends now and she’s given him her dress as a token of friendship, or something 

i dont think it really looks that significantly like hers but the fact that it stands out so distinctly from the rest of the Pile could mean something 

but i just feel like if he had killed her we would’ve seen her corpse again, he doesn’t have a concept of murder, or death at all, or consequences, and his memory doesn’t hold out that consistently, so if he killed her, he probably would have calmed down later and then forgotten what he did and came up with a new way to explain the corpse in front of him - oh, how rude of me, mable’s here dozing right off and i havent even offered her a blanket. let’s get you to bed

like, he probably would have dragged her home with him, with the intention of being a good friend/host to his guest, not understanding what happened. he kept milford cubicle around a really long time  

it wouldn’t be like him to have any concept of hiding the evidence

speaking of milford 

theory: regarding milford cubicle 

salad fingers keeps milford’s corpse around until it starts rotting, and then after a very confusing series of events, the corpse is suddenly a skeleton, which surprisingly alarms salad fingers considerably, and then he goes out to find a whole bunch of himselves eating various bits of gore. they give him a present, which is a hat very clearly made of milford’s skin 

my conclusion: salad fingers, in some kind of dissociative fugue state, skinned and ate the remains of milford cubicle himself and turned the remaining skin into a hat. he also saves some of it to make hubert cumberdale (the real boy) later as well, probably forgetting where it came from. he does not realize he’s done this or remember doing it, so his scrambled mind tries to make sense of it with other selves eating unknown flesh, and a lovely hat appearing (which he doesn’t seem to notice is made of flesh) 

you can also see milford’s original name tag in the drawer later on when he’s building the flesh boy, so. he kept that after the mysterious disappearance of milford’s flesh, apparently. more evidence that that skin is probably also his

some other scattered thoughts regarding the most recent string of episodes and salad fingers’ mental state: 

ive been trying to figure out what the fuckhell happened with the yvonne incident and everything that happened in the birthday episode

im really concerned for salad fingers’ health and mental state, as it seems to be deteriorating 

some yvonne theories ive seen:

1. he ate the burned corpse of the kid who died in the oven, and it made him very sick, which ultimately resulted in a charred mass he couldn’t digest - he steadily gets worse, until his body finally ejects it (yvonne’s “birth”) and after that his health starts to recover again. since the oven incident happens really early on, all the times he mentions his stomach being upset after that until he becomes deathly ill would make sense, so i think this is plausible 

2. the hair he found in the cupboard was actually a parasitic worm that grew in his stomach after he ate it and became yvonne. i think this is Possible, it is a really strangely wormy looking hair, but it doesn’t move and he mentions stomach pains before this, so it seems less likely to me 

3. i also saw the concept that salad fingers is a trans man who suffered a miscarriage at some point in his past and yvonne represents that, and i can definitely see where the idea is coming from but i do think something really physically happened to him in the present time, i dont think it was all a trauma-based hallucination, since the yellow guy reacts to the black ooze and something was definitely making him severely ill 

so. i Don’t Know what the fuck that was about but i think the burnt corpse theory makes the most sense 

on that note: there’s a lot of cannibalism imagery in salad fingers 

we have no IDEA where he’s getting food from. im pretty sure its been confirmed that he is Not a zombie, we see him bleed, pass out, sleep, etc so it seems like he must be a living person who has ordinary needs. but we see him eat... his own puppets. hairs. sand. the soup glass mother instructed him to make, which made him very sick. he has a working oven but doesn’t seem to have consistent access to water. he had a fish somehow but who knows where it came from. it’s very likely he doesn’t get food often and some of his hallucinations and mood swings could be caused by starvation (and when he does eat, it’s things that are outright inedible or probably not good for him) 

the burned corpse disappears and is never mentioned again (though salad fingers is very sick afterward). milford’s flesh disappears and salad fingers violently hallucinates multiple selves gorging themselves on unknown flesh

and what concerns me the most about that is that he loses a lot of time in that episode 

he passes out in the woods and when he wakes up, it looks like a shit ton of time has passed

we don’t know how much is reality and how much is his warped perception, but it looks like a tree has grown and his physical condition has deteriorated 

he looks really, really unhealthy and haggard for the rest of the episode 

i think he had a huge dissociative episode and lost possibly weeks of time, probably due to starvation, and he ate milford cubicle and very possibly other people as well 

so my question is. how often does this happen to him

and what happens to him during that state? does he become violent and dangerous without being aware of it when he returns to himself again? or has he just been ravenously scavenging corpses when he gets desperate enough? 

its possible dr papanak is another personality he has, one that’s “buried out in the woods” that he becomes when he’s in a really, really bad mental and physical state 

he looks much better in the next episode (though that’s also when he has his outburst with marjory. could be that he’s still staving off the violent urges/hasn’t fully come back to himself after the last incident) and I’m really hoping the fact that he was able to finally stand up to his family (at least in some sense) and smash the mirrors could mean he’s making steps toward recovery after whatever the hell all that was 

there’s not really much space to do anything with his life or get much help given the circumstances but watching him slowly losing himself even more is Awful :( 

i hope we get more episodes im so desperate for more information now 

lastly, some random observations 

i tried to read this newspaper and it looks like it’s actually written in french, which is interesting given that salad fingers seems to be british (but fond of france, and seems to speak french or at least knows one phrase) 

i wonder where he got this, or whether it ever meant something significant to him

theres a lot of evidence that he can’t read (takes no notice of the “harry” nametag and immediately names him something else, “reads” a letter that is actually a newspaper clipping in another language he’s holding upside down, “writes” a letter that is just scribbles) so i dont think he learned his one french phrase from this or anything but, still. vaguely interesting. maybe he has been to france before and brought this back with him for some reason. maybe he’s actually in post apocalyptic france and was just originally from england. We Don’t Know 

theres a weird little face in the. heater? whatever that is in the background for a second and i dont like it  

salad fingers leaves horace in charge, but then sees him (as a live horse) in the woods, but then comes back to find him both still on the shelf (as a toy) and in the room (as a live horse, now with his, uh, surgery scars) but doesn’t seem to notice this and doesn’t comment on it 

i dont know what the hell that means other than possibly his reality is even less consistent and logical than usual/a reflection on his mental state deteriorating 

[whumpzone]

(masterpost)

(I wrote a very nsfw flashback from Col’s past, which can be read here. Heed the warnings and have fun)

As the days went by, Pet quickly realised that Master’s cat was a little… imperfect. He could tell from the way she sometimes bumped her head into doorframes, or table legs, that her vision wasn’t the best. She was old, by the looks of it. Old and slow, and Master clearly loved her very much.

“Hello my little Jaffa,” he murmured, scooping her up, running his fingers through her thick fur. Her eyelids sank down until she looked like she was fast asleep.

It made Pet’s chest ache. Why was Master making him watch this? Did he enjoy being cruel? Pet already knew he wasn’t here to receive affection like that, and the reminders hurt. Especially knowing Master could love his pet even if it wasn’t in perfect shape.

He still hadn’t been given any clear orders, and Pet was starting to think Master was giving him time to heal. Getting him as robust as possible before breaking him down again. The waiting was tough, and not knowing what was to come was worse. But Pet couldn’t speculate, he just couldn’t, or else he’d skirt too close to the memories he kept shut out- the ones he kept hidden, even from himself.

Master’s voice broke him out of his thoughts. “Hey, Col, want to come and sit up here with me? I have some biscuits here you might like.”

. . .

Col nodded in that quick, nervous-rabbit way of his, and stood up. He liked kneeling on the carpet, Linden had noticed. He kneaded his balled hands through it like a cat. Kneeling was fine, Linden told himself, as long as he didn’t crawl. And to the boy’s credit, he was doing very well with that.

He walked over now, at about to same speed Jaffa often walked at, trying to mitigate the impact of her frequent head bumps. Linden set her down and slowly grabbed his mug of herbal tea and the packet of biscuits, while Col watched him. Waiting for permission. Linden was starting to wonder if the boy was even able to speak, or if something in his past had rendered him mute. His past had clearly rendered him a lot of things- it was figuring out what could be healed that mattered.

“Come, you can sit here,” Linden patted the wooden chair. “If you want to. You can just get a biscuit and go back to the carpet, if you’d prefer.”

It was as if Col almost started to consider it, then thought better and forced himself into the chair, curling one foot underneath him.

“Comfortable?” Another quick nod. “Okay, good.”

Linden noticed how Col seemed to relax a little at that. Baby steps, he reminded himself. It’s okay to tell him he’s good, if that’s what he needs right now.

He sat along from him, close but hopefully not too close. He tore open the packet and handed it to Col. “Here. They taste nice. You can take one and eat it.”

He peered at it, like he expected it to bite. Then, constantly checking Linden’s face as he did so, he reached in and picked one up. Linden waited patiently, then took one for himself. As he bit into it, so did Col. Okay. This was going alright.

. . .

Master was eating one too, so they weren’t poisoned. Or maybe he had just built up a resistance. Or maybe they weren’t harmful to humans, only dogs?

None of that mattered, of course. Master had ordered him to eat. His orders were odd, they weren’t barked at him like Pet’s first owner, but that didn’t make them any less unavoidable.

It did taste good. It was sweet, nothing like the sour dog food that had sustained him for years.

Pet noticed he had dropped a small crumb onto the table and quickly licked it up gratefully. He wouldn’t dare waste food given to him. It was still weird, not eating from Master’s hand.

“You don’t- it’s okay, it’s just a crumb,” Master scolded him, and Pet ducked his head at the reprimand. Maybe it was funny watching him act like a human- Master was probably laughing at the way he wobbled on the chair, and held the biscuit in his disused hands, and fed himself. He was sure any moment now Master was going to smile and tell him how stupid he looked, what a dumb dog he was.

Pet drifted back to reality at the smell of something even sweeter than his treat. It was coming from the mug in Master’s hands, held securely between his fingers, each one with a painted black nail. Master noticed him staring before Pet could look away, and he cringed. Messing up as usual.

“You want a sip? It’s herbal tea. It’s hot, mind.”

Another order. Pet nodded obediently.

. . .

It was an easy mistake, and one Linden should’ve seen coming, given how out of practice Col was with his hands. Linden let go of the mug before Col had properly gripped it. Right over Linden’s lap.

Linden was aware of the burning against his thighs before he had even seen the mug drop. He jerked up, the chair clattering to the floor behind him, and Col gasped in pure horror.

“Shit, ow, ow, ow!” he cursed automatically.

Sounds beside him. Looking over, Col was already knelt with his face to the floor, trembling all over, and Linden’s thighs were burning and he really had to do something about that first-

“Woah, no, it’s okay, it’s just an accident, I have to get these trousers off, ow…” he muttered, quickly pulling his belt out and, suddenly realising he shouldn’t be getting undressed in front of Colton, scrambling upstairs.

. . .

Pet wasn’t sure if Master was still here- he had heard noises, he thought, going upstairs, but he couldn’t move. He was frozen, every instinct telling him to stay and take his punishment like a good dog.

He had hurt Master. He couldn’t stop trembling. His mouth quivered, his breaths coming out in whines. Fat heavy tears dribbled down his cheeks and onto the floorboards.

He was so bad, such a stupid insolent mutt, and bad dogs got punished, didn’t they, bad pets who can’t behave got belted and burned. Bad pets got taken upstairs to be restrained and, and-

Pet whimpered, a full-body sob that was so close to speaking he almost vomited from fear, and ground his face against the floor, trying to make the thoughts stop. That was his old life and he had a new Master now and this one might be different, he might be worse, but he couldn’t cry before it had even started and he had burned Master’s legs, burns hurt so badly and he was so, so useless that he just wanted the pain to start right now, so he could show he was sorry.

He could feel the cartilage in his nose jostling as he rolled his head. His heartbeat was pounding into his ears. He was in so much trouble, and he was so so sorry but it wasn’t enough. He wouldn’t be allowed to use his hands ever again.

A bump, at the top of the stairs. Footsteps. Coming towards him.

His thoughts went into overdrive. Master was coming and Pet had hurt him and now Master was angry. He had never seen him light up like that before, suddenly so quick and sharp and fierce. Pet’s hands skittered by his shoulders. He could feel every joint. Would they all be broken, perhaps? Burned? It would make sense to burn them. He deserved to have them burnt, even though that made him cry harder. Or maybe Master would concentrate on his thighs. Pour boiling water on them, then make him walk. Perhaps he’d peel the burning skin off and press knives to the raw flesh and make him scream. Or maybe he’d pin Pet’s hands down and bludgeon them until they didn’t even resemble hands anymore

You braindead animal. He’s not going to pick one or the other, you fucking idiot. He’s going to do them both and you’re going to thank him.

Master was stood over him, now. Looking at his unworthy dog, grovelling before him.

. . .

Linden couldn’t imagine how he would look threatening to anyone right now, in the only pair of shorts he could find, his thighs coated in cream. He’d had to roll the shorts up past his burns, and safety pinned them there.

But he knew, he knew, that didn’t matter. He knew Col wouldn’t look up from where he was cowering on his knees, sobbing audibly, and crack a smile.

The tall person in his care looked very, very small right now. He was knelt exactly where he’d dropped to the floor. No running, no backing away. Just like he’d been trained to. It made Linden feel ill. He had to take this slowly.

“Okay, okay, I’m here,” he started, keeping his voice slow and calm, knowing that his presence was Col’s worst nightmare right now. He had lost his cool earlier and he wished he could take it back, even though it was useless blaming himself. It was a shock, and a painful one. Anyone would’ve sworn. But he still felt a twist of guilt when he saw Col lock up, frozen in fear save for his persistent trembling. Linden could tell he was trying to stop himself from crying.

“Okay, you’re allowed to cry, crying is normal. Can you look up at me?”

Col did as he was told. His mouth was wobbling downwards, his nose red from being pressed against the floor. His hands were fully curled up.

Linden didn’t have a chance to say anything more before Col’s wild, terrified eyes found Linden’s belt on the table and he whimpered, holding his hands out eerily quickly, palms up, ready and unresisting.

Linden knew that if he took the belt and slashed Col’s hands with it, the boy wouldn’t fight back at all. He’d cry and moan, but he wouldn’t fight.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said. “I’m not. I wouldn’t hurt you, ever.”

He thought about putting his hands in Col’s, gently lowering them and rubbing soft circles with his thumbs, but he shook the thought away. Who knows what he might interpret that as.

Instead, he picked up the belt, feeling Col’s eyes on him while his back was turned, and threw it upstairs.

“No belt,” he said, “I won’t belt you, I won’t hurt you at all. Your hands are safe. I’m not angry with you. It was an accident. Can you look at me?”

He complied, of course he did. His eyes were burning with regret and fear.

“See my thighs? I’ve put some cream on them, to help with the burns. It’ll make them better.”

After a few seconds, Col nodded.

“You will know that burns hurt a lot,” Col whimpered, but Linden tried not to rush his words out. “That’s why I snapped. I was surprised, but not angry. I’m not angry. You can see in my face and hear in my voice that I’m calm and I won’t hurt you. Just because you spilled some tea on me, doesn’t mean you have to hurt too. It was just an accident. And I can tell you’re sorry.”

This was the magic word, it seemed. Col nodded desperately, eyes wide, as he blinked fresh tears down his face.

“Thank you. Apology accepted. It’s okay, it’s all okay. You’re safe and I won’t hurt you. In fact-“

. . .

“…And I can tell you’re sorry.”

Pet could have fainted with relief. His body was still prickling with fear, waiting for the punishment, and Pet couldn’t yet believe Master when he said he wouldn’t hurt him. But he could definitely show he was sorry.

He nodded, trying to get it just right, trying to look eager but not careless, guilty but not too pitiful.

I am so sorry, Master. Your stupid lowly animal is so sorry, your pathetic dog is sorry and won’t ever do it again, thank you for showing your slave pet mercy.

He was definitely being prepped for something, but Pet pushed it from his mind. Master was giving him a chance and he had to show his gratitude.

“Thank you. Apology accepted. It’s okay, it’s all okay. You’re safe and I won’t hurt you. In fact-“

Master walked somewhere behind him, returning a few seconds later with Jaffa in his arms, setting her down beside him.

“Jaffa always makes me feel better,” he said. Pet had no idea what he was talking about, but he nodded anyway, then leant down to kiss Master’s feet, thanking him with his body in the way that didn’t scare him. He only managed one kiss before Master stepped away, and Pet hoped it had been enough to show that he knew his place, and he was sorry, and he would do anything to please Master. It was a lot to show in a single gesture.

“I’ll be upstairs, if you need me. You’re safe, you’re okay, I’m not angry. If you want, you can cuddle Jaffa for a bit. Okay? Okay. See you in a bit, Col.”

Pet watched Master leave, his wiry legs climbing the stairs until they vanished entirely. Jaffa rubbed her cheek along Pet’s folded legs, and he nervously reached out a hand, sinking it into her fur. His hands, that he still had. Pet felt like he was starting to understand what Master was keeping him for, but he didn’t want to accept it. Instead, he stroked Jaffa and dried his eyes, the taste of biscuit still in his mouth.

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