#my heart hurts when i see so many of us suffering so deeply

[professorbussywinkle]

This might just be me...but the whole reason I transitioned was so I could finally be at peace, so I wouldn't be so angry and upset all the time, so i could realize that other people's frustrations towards me were never about me, so I'd stop taking everything so personally and feeling like everything I did was wrong, so I could release my shame and self hatred, and become lighter...

So when I see so many young trans people just fuming with rage and composing tweet after tweet filled with fantasies of angry violence towards terfs or phobes for some dumb trivial shit they said or did, or making pervasive habits of routinely lashing out at fellow community members for any and all minor perceived moral transgressions it's just like...

...isn't that so tiring??

Isn't it so exhausting being so god damned upset over everything all the time?? Don't you wish you could lay down your weapon and just relax?? Don't you wanna become the person you can fall into a gentle loving embrace with at the end of the day, and finally feel safe and comfortable in your own skin?? Don't you wanna look in the mirror and, maybe, at first, not completely love yourself but at least think "yeah, I'm okay with this, I'm starting to be okay with the person staring back at me??"

The grace and compassion you need, needs to come from yourself first, towards yourself, because every time I see trans people acting out in this way towards others, the first thing I think of is how fucking mean they must be towards themselves in their head, and that just makes me really fucking sad...why are you so fucking mean to yourself...please...stop...stop being so cruel to yourself....

[sgojoenthusiast]

needy.

✧.* miguel o’hara x reader

summary:

miguel is suffering with the side effects of his vampirism: the insatiable hunger. you, a doctor, will stop at nothing to help him, no matter what. it’s your job, afterall.

cw: smut, biting, lowkey vampire sex, rough, i didnt do amazing in my gcse spanish course so i’m sorry for the rough attempt at miguel speaking spanish LMAO, hardly proof read mb, bit of oral (f receiving), mentions of blood, pain and injury. fem reader.

word count: 2.1k

likes, comments and reposts are deeply appreciated! <3 enjoy.

-`♡´-

He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t resist. His brain felt like it was begging to break out of his skull. Everything hurt, but it wasn’t the kind of pain he could turn to you for help with.

It was the kind of pain that stemmed from the unfortunate bite all those years ago. A pain that derived from a never-ending hunger within him, resulting in constant hunger and sharpened fangs.

“Miguel, how many times do I have to say it? It’s my job. It’s what I'm paid to do! Just let me help you and we can-”

“No.” he cut you off sharply. When he had hired you after a particularly nasty fight that ended in a lot of spidermen injured but there was a lack of medics to help, he didn’t realise everything you did or said would have so much of an affect on him. If he had known, he would’ve never even looked in your direction because, god, you were intoxicating. “No puedo más, mierda. [i can’t anymore, fuck]. You can’t help me, okay? Just go home.” He seethed.

He wasn’t angry with you, never you. He was angry at how he had to turn your sweet words and caring touch away just because he couldn’t risk hurting you.

“You’re so frustrating, Miguel. you never let me help you.” He stood with his back to you, because he knew that if he looked behind him and saw you standing with your arms folded, a cute pout on your lips and the smooth skin of your neck on display, he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back anymore.

If he ever came close to hurting you, even if somehow the domino effect of something he did led to you getting injured, he would never forgive himself for as long as he lived. You were only human, you weren’t a spider like the rest of them. You were fragile, and couldn’t protect yourself as well as you could save others. 

“You should know by now I won't stop until I get what I want.” you began walking up behind him. “You’re clearly struggling with something. your breathing is heavy, you haven’t been walking or talking properly since you came back from your mission.” a sudden realisation popped into your brain. “You didn’t hit your head on your mission today, did you? Miguel- you told me there wasn’t a scratch on you, I can’t help you if you’re lying to me.”

Finally, he turned around to face you, his head hung low but he could see every inch of your perfect body. No longer could he restrain himself from the all-consuming thirst he felt as he flashed his fangs and suddenly appeared in front of you, pinning you against the wall.  “No quiero ayuda. [I don't want your help]. I just want it to stop.”

You tilted your head up at him. There wasn’t an ounce of fear in your eyes despite your position and he felt his heart stop. “You aren’t scared?” He breathed out. His eyes were wide and red. His heart was beating increasingly fast and his throat was getting dry.

He was so used to being the one people would cower around. Yet with you, you always seemed to defy his expectations. He stood in front of you, restraining himself from killing you, and yet you had barely even blinked.

You moved your hair out of the way of your neck, causing him to try and push himself away from you but you grabbed his wrist before he could. “It’s my job to help you. That’s why I'm here. So let me help you.”

He found it so hard to disobey you when you looked up at him so gently. Yet it was that look that reminded him of his affection towards you and made him shake his head profusely in denial. He refused to hurt you, even when you asked him to.

You pulled him by his wrist, closer to you, tempting him in as he complied thoughtlessly. His mind was reeling with the thought that it was your hand touching his wrist. It was your hand that slowly traced up his back and it was your fingers that threaded through his hair at that moment. Slowly, you guided his head down towards your open neck as every doubt inside his mind froze against his will. All of his morals disappeared. Everything he stood by, his dedication to protecting you, gone within a minute of you delicately caressing him.

“Please, Miguel, let me help you.”

When you pleaded with him so innocently, when your words slipped so tenderly from your pretty lips, he could no longer hold himself back. The shackles he’d chained himself to for so long, the restraints he’d built with his bare hands, crumbled like castles.

His sharp fangs sunk themselves into the crook of your neck and you whimpered slightly in pain, biting your lip.

Miguel lost himself in the taste of you as he forced you up harder against the wall. Still, it wasn’t enough. He needed his entire body against yours. He grabbed your leg, wrapping it around his waist as he continued to slowly suck the blood from your neck.

His hands pawed against you and massaged your hips. You felt yourself growing increasingly more wet at the feeling of him pressed up so close against you with his lips against your neck.

Somehow, the pain faded as you got used to it and all you could feel was the sensation you got as he ground himself against you, overpowered with need and moaning into your neck.

His head was spinning as his blood pumped vigorously. He’d never experienced such a high, such an addictive drug that devoured him whole and swallowed him completely.

You could feel how much he needed this. The feeling of peace and pleasure overshadowed the one of pain, yet, as you felt yourself go faint, you began to shake yourself out of the trance his lips against your neck put you in. In an odd way, you’d let him drink from you forever if it meant the feeling of his skin against yours.

You tapped his waist, urging him off you as he withdrew.

You placed your hand against your neck as a sudden pang of soreness washed over you. However, the sight before you was one you’d never forget as you looked up to meet his eyes. His lips stained with your blood before he wiped it away sent a strange sensation down your back as you closed your legs.

“Thank you, mi dulce niña. [my sweet girl].” he took your face between his thumb and index finger. Your faces were unbearably close. The desire to taste your own blood on his lips consumed you as your eyes flickered between his and his lips.

You stood against the wall of the empty hallway to his room in silence, your bodies begging for each other yet your mouths too shy to make it known.

Instead, he opted for silently taking you down the dimly lit corridor to his room, his fingers intertwined with yours.

The second his door closed, your back was against it. His lips finally pressed against yours as you sighed in contentment. Once again, your leg was hiked up as he caressed the supple skin of your thigh.

A rough yet gentle hand made its way up to your face as he ran his thumb up and down against your cheek. “I need you so bad. You don’t know what you’ve done to me. Everyday, I think about you. Your lips, your voice, your smile, your hips. I can’t fucking get enough of you and it kills me that I cant physically be as close to you as I want to be.” he murmured against your lips whilst you breathed shaky breaths against his.

You didn’t know what to say, or how to put your feelings into words because he had already summed it up so perfectly for you. “I can’t get enough of you either.”

He carried you to the bed and placed you down, his touch never once leaving your skin except to take his suit off.

Your hand ran across the scars of his chest, some you had fixed up yourself, up to his neck where you pulled him against you once more. He struggled to get your uniform off quickly with the continuous kiss and lack of sense as the thought of you naked beneath him fogged up his mind.

Miguel broke the kiss, and the sight of you with your hair splayed out across the mattress, skin glistening and your eyes half-lidded with lust had him weak in the knees as his dick grew harder against your thigh.

The moonlight peaked out past the gaps of his curtains, highlighting your frame and making him desperate.

He began to kiss down your body, leaving marks across your collarbone where he would occasionally bite.

He sucked and licked your nipples gently as you writhed beneath his touch, desperately yearning for more of his rough touch.

“I need you, miguel.”

“Patient now, mi dulce niña. [my sweet girl]” he replied, looking up at you from between your legs as he slowly began kissing down towards where you needed him so badly. He stroked your thighs and nipped at them harshly, yet the pain merged so beautifully with the pleasure that it all became one big blur.

He asked you to be patient, but after so long of longing stares and discreet touches, being patient was the last thing on your mind as you bucked your hips up, itching for his touch.

“Niña mala [bad girl]. What did I just tell you?” he snarled.

“Please, Miguel, I'm begging you. I’ve waited so long- I can’t be patient anymore.” you pleaded with him. It seemed to be enough to convince him as he brought your hips up to his face and flicked his tongue skillfully against your pussy as you gasped surprisingly.

He moved his tongue rhythmically, snatching pleas and moans from your lips. It wasn’t too long before he slid in one of his fingers... then another. He thrusted them inside you relentlessly, praising you for taking what he was giving you without another complaint.

His tongue and his fingers combined clouded your senses and made you feel as though nothing - no one - would ever come close to satisfying you so well. However, just as you clenched around him, he pulled out. You whined and cried for him to stop playing around, but he simply ignored you.

Miguel needed to feel you come around his dick if you were going to come anywhere. He needed you both to finish together. He craved the feeling of your bodies merging together in that haze of relief and exhaustion before he pulled out.

He moved back up to your face and your eyes locked; a feeling rushed over you that made your heart swell. You don’t think you could ever get enough of him.

He grabbed his painfully hard dick, stroking it against your folds. You bucked against him hopelessly. Luckily, he took the hint and slid himself somewhat smoothly inside of you, though the pain of the stretch was inevitable.

Your hands immediately went to his back, gripping on as if it would save you. Miguel groaned at the pain as he pulled back slightly and thrusted harshly back in.

He noticed the bite marks on your neck, and the blood that still gradually fell from it due to the lack of treatment. He leaned down, licking the blood up and moaning as he pounded himself into you savagely.

Everything was overwhelming. The feeling of him licking and sucking the blood from your neck, the pain of your hands clawing down his back, the unrelenting pummelling inside of you and the sounds of skin against skin and voices intertwining in the air.

It sent you both spiralling.

“ ‘m g’nna- come, Miguel.” you heaved out.

His hand trailed down to your aching pussy as he slid a finger against your clit and began rubbing viciously. Your moans dominated the room at the extra pleasure as you began to slip from your control.

“Come with me.” he demanded as he hammered inside of you without any remorse.

It was everything you had both dreamed it would be and more. The feeling of letting go together shook you both as you clenched around him, sucking him in, and as he shot his load inside of you.

You both lay there for what felt like an eternity of comfort and serenity. Your bodies pressed up against each other with your eyes closed, just soaking up the moment without any anxieties or thoughts.

However, to your dismay, Miguel pulled back. He took your face in his palm again, marvelling at your vulnerable state. He would be the only one to see you like this.

He placed his forehead against yours as your breaths became synchronised along with your heartbeats, creating the sound of peace and belonging.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

a/n: read the extra here.

☾ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆･ﾟsgojoenthusiast

[bunniekittiee]

Bi-Han x Fem. Reader

Bi-Han headcanons (idc if it’s ooc) because I cannot stand the characterization that people have created for him. Like he is not a crazy aggressive dominant man like seriously?? These are teeth-rotting soft so please enjoy. SFW and NSFW!

SFW-

Bi-Han may have a very rough exterior, and it was definitely hard to break the ice (haha).

But his wife is his life.

He adores you, and he loves you so very much.

He may have a difficult time trying to communicate this as he is not one for being ‘lovey dovey’ like Kuai Liang, but that does not mean he doesn’t try his very best.

Gifts, he loves giving you gifts. Sometimes they’re simple like flowers, sometimes they are extravagant.

Either way, he loves to see your smile when he gives you a gift, so it is a reward for him.

However, Bi-Han does have his moments where he can be a little rude.

If he is stressed from the Lin Kuei or feels as if he does not have the energy he should, he can be a little snappy.

He will never hurt you, it would wreck his soul if he hurt you physically.

He may hurt your feelings, but he doesn’t mean to do it on purpose. He can be a little blunt sometimes when he is in a mood.

So after he recovers from his mood, he will seek you out and apologize for his behavior. Yes, he will probably have a gift with him.

He does not like fighting with you. He feels that it is a waste of time, and also he hates to see you upset.

Absolutely loathes going to bed angry. He can be a bit of an overthinker.

If you both got into an argument that was not resolved and he goes to bed moody, he has fleeting thoughts of your possible demise if he went to bed without apologizing or discussing it further.

What if something happened and you died without knowing how much he loved you and how he was sorry? It seriously messes with Bi-Han.

Anything can happen, and he understands that.

So if he can, he will do his very best to make sure you resolve conflict before going to sleep.

Nicknames are: my wife, beloved, my dearest, firefly.

Firefly is definitely a unique one, but it is referencing the time you both watched the fireflies light up in the night around you both.

It was romantic, and your eyes were gleaming so bright, Bi-Han’s chest tightened and his heart yearned for your love.

“My firefly, for you light up my world in ways you do not understand.” He wrote one day to you. “My world will never go dark with you in it.”

He can have a hard time expressing his feelings with words as he has many layers to him, so sometimes he feels better writing it to you.

But that doesn’t mean Bi-Han cannot tell you sweet words.

He misses you very often, especially if it’s been quite some time since he has seen you. He is always thinking about you.

Sometimes he wished he could have a little less responsibilities as Grandmaster so he could spend more time with you.

NSFW-

He does not like to use his powers on you in the bedroom.

It is different if he slightly changes his body temperature, but full on using them, that is forbidden.

Bi-Han would suffer an eternity if he hurt you, so it is a huge no-no to him.

He can be dominant, but it is more so because he is a powerful leader.

However, he loves it when you take control as well. Again, he is the Grandmaster and sometimes he just wants you to take the wheel.

Does not like degradation. He loves you deeply, and he cannot stand to call you names or being so cruel.

Expect it to be very passionate and loving. You are Bi-Han’s world, and he likes to take his time.

Loves cuddling after.

Breathing in your scent makes him feel less stressed and he enjoys your body warmth.

Any scars, stretch marks, or marks, Bi-Han kisses.

He loves every part of you, and he makes it very known.

Bi-Han knows that your essence is sacred, so he takes sex very seriously.

He does not joke around during it (come to think of it, i dont think he jokes around ever).

He does not like to have angry sex, he thinks it does not accomplish much.

And he’s especially worried if he is too angry he will hurt you in a way.

The Grandmaster is traditional in many ways, so he does not speak of your sex life, let alone your lives together, to others.

He expects you to hold the same respect for your relationship.

Bi-Han is not one for kinky sex. He finds it difficult to enjoy the thought of it, and he personally hates to see you in certain scenarios that remind him of his anxieties.

If you do not feel up for sex, he will not pressure you. He will either take care of himself or fight the urge.

You are precious to him, he would rather die before making you do something you don’t want to do.

[autistichalsin]

@mewhoismyself reminded me of an excellent, important point, in their reply to this post; they said

Doesn’t Halsin only refer to his drow captors as *captors* if the player threatens to send him back? Like- that’s so sad!! And a lot of players would completely miss it if they were trying to romance and *be nice* to him! Such a price for healing...! ;-;

And yes, you are absolutely correct!

In all other dialogue paths, Halsin continues to refer to them as hosts, or he talks around it. The closest he gets is saying "the house that held me" fell out of favor and was attacked. Only if the player (who must be a Lolth Drow for this option to appear) chooses "so the mighty bear is an escaped pet, then. I wonder if there is a reward for your return..." does Halsin acknowledge them as captors, immediately snapping, "you would be unwise to attempt it, trust me. In any case, the house of my captors is long-extinct. Interesting... part of me still thought of them as hosts, but I suppose captors is indeed more accurate."

This is interesting, because it carries a lot of implications- but what sticks out to me is that this is both a very real and relatable thing for a lot of survivors, and something that never gets talked about. So many of us walk around with internalized self-blaming attitudes, but then... something hits different when you hear someone else verbalize those deep, painful, hurtful things. Human instinct is to protect oneself from those kinds of accusations, and so it is for Halsin, and the threat breaks something. Because it's one thing to tell himself that they were simply hosts and that what happened wasn't that bad, but it's another for someone else to say it and take it a step further by threatening to send him back.

It breaks through something, in the worst way. By making the threat, the player has made it Real again. It's not a distant memory anymore, and it's not something he can make into a comfortable fantasy; it's a real threat now, even if they are dead, because now someone knows and has indicated they would send him to face it again, given the chance*. By making it Real, Halsin is now forced to see the situation for what it was, but he pretended wasn't for all these years; that his life was in peril, that he suffered, that he didn't want it, and that he was a captive, not a guest, not a novelty.

The only way to get Halsin to admit what his captors were is to threaten him and trigger him, which is truly heartbreaking. It's like how one of the ways to get Halsin to show the depths of his care for the player/their relationship, and his real emotions, the most is by acting in an emotionally abusive manner by repeatedly saying they want to break up with him, and then changing his mind; doing this is one of the few times Halsin will show his hurt at the player's hurtful actions, as after the first time, he'll start saying things like, "does it please you to see me look crestfallen? That is the only reason I can think of that you might toy with my heart like this," and "perhaps you care less for me than I supposed..." and "why would you test my patience like this? Sometimes, it is difficult to love you."

Here, too, one of the only ways to make Halsin express that he is hurt, and that the player is wrong in hurting him, and that he does NOT deserve and should not have to accept such treatment, (and one of the few ways to make him lose significant amounts of approval at once, besides committing literal murder, and one of the rare times this is on his own behalf) is by acting cruel and abusive to him. He will quietly and stoically accept so much other cruel treatment, but this is one of those rare times you can see what a deeply vulnerable person he is. It's a recurring theme with him, and it's heartbreaking; "does it please you to see me look crestfallen?" made me tear up.

There is a subtext to that statement- just as there is for "sometimes, I think people look at me and imagine my feelings cannot be hurt." This isn't the kind of statement that comes out of nowhere. This is what arises after being hurt. Quite possibly more than once. Halsin has likely been deeply hurt by people he loved and trusted before.

There's so many layers of sadness to Halsin's character, both in the plot and in a meta sense. The way there's so many heavy implications of him being let down by so many people, affecting his attachment style, and yet that there's so few chances to validate and comfort and reassure him over this, is one of the saddest parts to me. Instead, we get far more chances to be cruel than kind, and most of his most raw, powerful character moments come when the player is cruel. It's brilliant writing, but it makes my heart ache.

*This, the monstrosity of that dialogue choice and the way Halsin acts, is why I am nearly-offended that Halsin doesn't break up with the player on the spot if they choose this option; he doesn't even lose approval. I feel that he should lose at LEAST 10 approval, to match him losing 5 approval for every time (after the first) the player starts to break up with him him and then changes their mind. I love the updated scene to bits, it fixes so many of the mistakes that they made at first, but I feel like saying something this horrible to Halsin should cause him to end things between them immediately.

[noyzinerd]

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod 😭 @raisesomehale tagged me for an excerpt-writing-thing! This is my first time getting tagged for this kind of thing, thanks so much! Excerpt from my WIP, Pseudology, where the boys have to face their inner demons in the forms of dark versions of each other. Enjoy!

"Don't tell me you're honestly surprised you're here." Nega-Derek sneered. "You always talk about how unfair it is to be dragged into all the shit that happens to you, about how you're always the first to be taken or hospitalized or the one to lose the most friends. Oh, boo-hoo. Always the victim, aren't you Stiles? Never stopping to wonder why so many things happen to you when you can never leave anything well enough alone. It's never your fault Scott follows all of your whims, right? That's on him for getting himself left out in the woods. You weren't the one who released the Nogitsune, so why would it be your fault poor Allison and all those people died? Letting the Nogitsune in had nothing to do with what happened, right?"

"Please…" The 'don't' died on his lips as the thing circled around Stiles, those colorless eyes piercing deeply into his own.

The spirit tutted in mock disappointment. "And what about me, Stiles? You've found a way to manipulate me into loving you just like you did Lydia. Now here I am, willing to die for you in your ridiculous ocean of lies and secrets. Are you going to get bored and leave me too? When is that trophy of catching the most sought-after specimen going to lose its charm and have you kicking me out on the street, broken and empty? Do I deserve it too, just like Lydia? She ignored you for years and used you to get at someone who hurt her. Apparently, that's all the reason in the world to get back at her, make her suffer for making you feel this way. She was your claim, your property, to treat however you wanted because her actions displeased you. It made you want to watch her cry. It made you want to insert yourself into her life and to make her yours even if you had to drag her in, kicking and screaming. Am I just another Lydia to you? Am I here because you like me or am I here for you to punish for bullying you? Is that what you want? To see me cry over you? Does it make you feel powerful having so much control over me? Does it flatter your ego to know that the big, bad, strong, former-Alpha Derek Hale, the Derek Hale, is so helpless to your charm that he can't even go a single day without thinking about you? Do you even know what I am to you?"

Stiles had nowhere else to back up. His feet were frozen. The words kept gnawing at his brain, twisting in his chest like a noose around his heart. Covering his ears hadn't helped. The sound of that too-familiar, but too-wrong voice was infesting his ears in a way that rang in his mind rather than his ears, starting inward and echoing out like the words were coming from his very soul. There was nothing he could say. He couldn't fight the words.

Especially since he knew they were all true.

"Ha! You don't even know!" Nega-Derek practically squealed delightedly. "Chatty Cathy Stiles suddenly with nothing to say. Well, isn't that just a rare sight! Finally ran out of bullshit to spew from that poisonous little goblin mouth, I see. That's fine. I have enough to talk about for the both of us," the thing chirped happily.

Sorry, I've never done this before so I'm terrible at tagging, especially since I don't know how many of you are actually writers. Also, am I supposed to just tag mutuals or just anyone? 😰I don't actually have a lot of mutuals, so I guess whoever else out there feels like writing, feel free to say I tagged you (no one's going to double check that shit 🤣). Literally no pressure tags: @cursedtruth, @gynnnicsworld, @grimmypuff, @haleshomeforthederanged, @princecharmingwinks, @raisesomehale

[jerzwriter]

Kaycee has had an exceptionally rough week and is nearing the end of her rope. That's when her secret boyfriend, Ethan, comes up with a plan to help them both recoup. But will their cover be blown? Book: Open Heart (Late Book 2 Timeline) Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Kaycee MacClennan) Rating: Teen Words: 2,300 Trope: Hurt/Comfort; Secret Romance Summary: Above A/N: Participating in @choicesaugustchallenge - Day 2 - Beach Date; also sundress & fireworks. I did not have time to edit much, so be kind :)

It had been the week from hell. Kaycee glanced at her watch and grimaced. Slumping against the nurses’ station, she rubbed her temples with a sigh as Sienna looked on sympathetically.

“I’m never going to make it,” Kaycee groaned. “Five more hours? Nope. I’m not going to make it.”

“You’ll make it just fine,” Sienna said with a reassuring smile. "But what’s going on?”

“It’s been a very tough week.  Two double shifts, code after code, too many accidents, several difficult patient losses... I’m just... I'm burnt out. I need a break."

At that moment, Ethan approached the nurses’ station. Deeply involved in a conversation with Harper, he hadn’t noticed Kaycee at first, but he raised his eyes with concern when he heard the tail-end of her conversation.

“That’s a lot,” Sienna replied. “We've all had those weeks, and they're hard. So, besides the batch of Snickerdoodle cookies that I'll be making for you, is there anything I can do to help you?”

“I'll be fine,” Kaycee half-smiled, angry at herself for the tears rising in her eyes...she should be stronger than this. “But I could really use a hug.”

That’s all she had to say. Sienna jumped up from her chair and wrapped Kaycee in a warm embrace. “Hey,” Sienna whispered. “When’s your next break? Why don’t we take a walk to Derry’s? The change of scenery might help.”

“I’d like that,” Kaycee smiled softly. She wiped a tear that threatened to fall from the corner of her eye and turned back to the station. That’s when her eyes met Ethan’s.

His heart had been clenching in his chest as he watched the situation unfold. He understood her more than most, and with just a glance, he could see her pain and self-doubt forming.  All he wanted to do was hold her, but he couldn’t. Not here. The rumor mill was already abuzz with gossip about the two of them, but they decided to keep their relationship under wraps. It was best for everyone, but at times like this, it didn’t feel ‘best’ at all.

All he could do was nod sympathetically in her direction, aware that this act alone could raise brows. After all, in the past, catching a resident in Kaycee's condition would have launched him into a tirade advising them to reconsider their career choices... now... he no longer felt that way, and it wasn’t only with Kaycee. He had to admit, she had brought a level of humanity back to him, one he thought for sure had been lost for good. Kaycee had changed his world for the better in so many ways, and here she was suffering, and he had to pretend he didn't see.

“Harper,” Ethan interrupted. “Would you mind if we scheduled sometime later to discuss this? I just remembered I have to tend to something right now.”

He headed to his private office and texted Kaycee to meet him there. In case prying eyes were around her, he made it professional but included a code they had created.

“Dr. MacTavish, can you please come to my office? I’m questioning your judgment on her treatment plan for the patient in 215."

“I’m questioning your judgment.” Kaycee hid her smile when she read those words. That’s what he told her the first time she told him that she loved him. “I question your judgment, Rookie,” he grinned. Now, when they sent those words to each other, it was code for "I need you."  

Kaycee rushed to his office, assuming he needed help. When she stepped in, he greeted her with a stern gaze and gruffly instructed her to close the door. She complied at once, and by the time she turned around, he was already there – wrapping her in a warm embrace.  

“What’s going on, Kaycee,” he said with a kiss atop her head. “I can tell you’re having a hard day.”

“I am,” she said, resting her head on his shoulder and clutching the lapels of his lab coat. "Don't worry. I’ll get through. Sometimes, it’s just... hard."

He led her to the sofa, where he watched intently as she talked. “It’s not one thing; it’s a myriad of things that all add up. I’m working more than usual this week, so I'm exhausted. I’ve had a bunch of difficult cases. I haven’t been eating or sleeping right, and...” she hesitated.

“And?”

“And sometimes all I want is my boyfriend to squeeze my hand as I pass him in the hall to reassure me that everything will be OK, but we can’t even do that.”

“Kaycee, you know I want to. It's just...”

“Shhh,” she smiled sadly, silencing him with a kiss. “I know why we can’t, and I agree with our decision. But that doesn’t make it easier.”

“It’s not forever,” he reminded as she nuzzled closer, her arms pulling her tight.

In an attempt at levity, he chuckled. “Hey, at least you didn’t catch anyone flirting with me today.”

Kaycee’s hand was already on the doorknob when she turned around and smirked. "Fifth floor, by the elevator. That damn nurse from peds that still thinks she has a chance with you.”

“You caught that?” Ethan winced.

“Don’t worry,” Kaycee winked. “You handled it like a pro.” She mouthed I love you, as she opened the door, and he did the same. The situation wasn’t ideal, but Kaycee had to admit she felt much better.

Unfortunately, Ethan did not. He loved and admired her more than he could express. He needed to offer her more than five minutes of support hidden in the shadows as if they were doing something wrong when nothing could be further from the truth.

He immediately checked their schedules; they were both off this weekend, and his wheels began to spin.

~~~~~

Saturday morning, Kaycee was waiting on the front steps when Ethan pulled up to her home. He smiled as she approached the car wearing his favorite sundress, a pair of sunglasses covering too much of her beautiful face, and a big floppy hat perched precariously atop her head. She was adorable, but he hoped this was just her style and not an attempt to disguise herself. After all, that’s exactly what he hoped to avoid this weekend. She slid into the passenger seat and squeezed his hand, giving him a surreptitious kiss on his cheek.

“You look adorable,” he smiled.

Kaycee lowered her sunglasses and shot him a look. “I’ll take it... though usually for hot with you... not adorable."

“You’re always hot,” he growled. Kaycee went to put her sunglasses back on, but he stopped her. “Nah-ah-ah. Take those off.”

“Why?”

Ethan reached into the glove compartment and retrieved a black blindfold. Kaycee raised a brow. “What’s that for?”

“I don’t want you to know where I’m taking you. It’s a surprise,” he held the blindfold up. “May I.”

“Fine. As long as this isn’t something kinky,” she smirked.

“It’s not,” he laughed. “At least not now.”

The ride was longer than expected, and at times, the blindfold became a bit annoying. But the constant conversation and Ethan not letting go of her hand helped. Then, he even put on her playlist, and she had to ask what he was up to. But all he did was chuckle and kiss her hand.

When the car finally stopped, and he opened her door, a smile crept onto Kaycee’s face. She could smell the salty air and knew they were at the beach at once. It had become a special place for him, though this summer hadn’t afforded them many chances to go. He helped her to her feet and untied the blindfold. She couldn't stop smiling when she saw where they were. The little cabin they had rented on the Cape once before was right in front of her.

“I thought this place was rented straight through next summer!” she beamed.

“It is,” he said, grabbing a bag from the trunk. “I’m not going to tell you what I had to do in order to get this.”

“Hey, as long as it has nothing to do with that hot nurse in peds, I’m OK with it,” she winked.

He took her hand and led her toward the front door. “It’s only for one night,” he said. “I’ll be sure to have you back for your evening shift tomorrow. But, I thought we could use some time away from Boston. I wanted to be someplace we can be ourselves and where we don’t have to hide. Here, I’m not Dr. Ramsey, and you’re not Dr. MacTavish – we’re just a couple – enjoying our time together.”

Kaycee’s face lit up. “God, Ethan... I love you,” she beamed. “But I didn’t pack. You didn’t say it was an overnighter.”

He lifted the bag at his side with a smile. “I packed for you. Besides, once we return here tonight, clothing will be optional.”

“I like the way you think,” she purred.

They spent the day strolling the beach, splashing in the surf, and stopping at quaint shops in town. Ethan took her to a little café that he used to visit with his parents years before and was delighted to see they still served old-fashioned egg creams, and he ordered two right away. He held her hand as they watched children flying kites, and he had to smile at how Kaycee stopped to make friends with every single dog they passed along the way.

“If medicine doesn’t walk out for you, I think a doggie daycare is the way for you to go,” he laughed.

“Please! Don’t tempt me!”

They sat on a dock as the sun began to set, their feet dangling over the side as they worked quickly to lick their ice cream cones to prevent the melted ice cream from falling onto their hands.

“What’s next?” Kaycee asked.

“Fireworks,” he grinned. “They’ll be starting as soon as the sun sets.”

Kaycee nuzzled her head into his shoulder, and his hand looped around her waist.

“This has been the perfect day, Ethan. This is exactly what I needed.”

It was what he needed, too. A day when they put their professional lives behind them. A day away from prying eyes and gossiping lips. He was just Ethan. She was just Kaycee. Just a couple lost in each other on a beautiful beach.... and they didn’t have to hide!

They were basking in the glow as the sun descended, and the fireworks were about to start. Kaycee giggled with anticipation as she held Ethan’s hand when...

“Ethan? Ethan Ramsey? Is that you?”

Ethan's body stiffened, and Kaycee’s heart skipped a beat. “Is that?” she asked, immediately dropping her hand from his.

“It is,” he sighed.

Peter Blumenthal, from Edenbrook’s Board of Directors. With him are his wife, Eugenia, and their daughter, Kimmie, whom Peter had been trying to push Ethan for years.

“Don’t leave me,” he winced, though he knew she had no choice. Adjusting her hat to conceal her identity, she managed to tell Ethan she’d meet him back at the cabin, and then she disappeared into the crowd that had assembled on the pier.

From a distance, Kaycee heard them exchanging pleasantries. She could sense Ethan’s discomfort in his voice, and she wished she could swoop in and save him, but she couldn't. Her hat bopped on her head as she moved along, apologizing as she bumped into people as she pushed her way through the crowd. She reached their little cabin and shut the door behind her just as the fireworks began, her face faltering when she realized they’d have to be missed.

She sat on the couch and waited for him to return. With each passing moment, she missed him, but in this instance, she got the better end of the deal. She knew how much he hated dealing with Board Members at work; she could only imagine how irritated he was having to do it now. Her heart fluttered with delight when she heard him at the door.

“Hey,” she beamed. “Are we safe? They didn’t see me, did they?”

Ethan sat beside her, wrapping her in a tight embrace. “If they did, they didn’t let on. They were too busy trying to marry me off to Kimmie.”

“Oh, hell no!” Kaycee laughed. “Sorry, Kimmie, but this man is all mine!”

"You better believe it!" Ethan looked at her with sympathetic eyes. “I’m so sorry it's like this, Kaycee. We shouldn't have to be a secret and I know how hard this is."

Kaycee waived her hand, easing his concern. “Baby, it’s OK. I don’t like it either, but we know why we’re doing it. In the end, we’re protecting me most of all. I worked too damn hard to get to where I am for anyone to suggest I slept my way to the top.”

“Well, on an up note, Edenbrook and Boston are rather progressive. If we were caught, there would be at least as many people who believed I was a vile man preying on an innocent young resident. So...” he grinned cheesily. “Both of our careers would be ruined.”

“Good,” Kaycee laughed, “That makes me feel so much better.”

Ethan pulled her closer, and they kissed passionately as the boom of pyrotechnics exploded in the distance.

Kaycee pulled away, a hint of sadness in her eyes. “It was a perfect day, Ethan. But I hate that we have to miss the fireworks!”

Ethan cupped her cheek, and she knew that look in his eyes. “I wouldn’t say we’re missing the firework,” he said, pushing her sundress strap off her shoulder and gently kissing the bare skin left behind. “We’re going to have fireworks right here, just not the kind that blow up in the sky.”

"Oooh," Kaycee groaned with delight. “I like that kind so much better."

"As do I," he replied, scooping her up and rushing to the bedroom.

While tourists and locals spent the night watching the spectacular show in the sky, Ethan and Kaycee spent it lost in their own world, lost in each other. While they wished they didn't have to hide at all, tonight, they had to admit, they wanted nothing more than to hide away—together.

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Tagging others separately.

[badasgirlfriend]

Stolen Hoodie | Bada Lee Social Media AU

T/W: this chapter contains themes of abuse and violence, so if you are uncomfortable with these topics, please don't read it.

pairings: bada lee x shin nari

prev - masterlist - next

a/n: sorry for the short chapter my uni isn't letting me breath😩

taglist { @itstrashjustrash , @maiden-mars , @tikitsune , @yumtooki , @jesuschrist2006 , @senjuslashes , @sparksinsirius , @asweetcollide , @italiekim , @stella222 , @mikachacha , @deadgirlwalking3 , @yunjinified , @itsbokutosjuicyass , @kaaylvst , @manooffline , @aloneinacity , @rubywonu , @pansies-garden , @tswisal1 }

With a deep exhale, Bada found herself staring in the direction of her girlfriend, who was seated opposite her at the table. Nari was deeply focused on the task in front of her, wearing headphones to block out the world.

Bada felt her heart skip a beat. This girl - this amazing girl - was her girlfriend. And yet, it still felt unreal. Though they hadn't discussed it, or necessarily asked each other out, they both knew they were a couple. Their relationship had already been very partner-like, even before any labels came into play.

She carefully stepped into the classroom, trying her best to make as little noise as possible. When she was close to Nari, she suddenly leaned in and touched her lips to Nari's cheek.

As Nari's eyes widened at the feeling of hands on her shoulder, she quickly turned around, only to be face-to-face with the girl she liked. Her expression changed rapidly from fear to relief, her eyes softening.

She was here, at university, not home.

It was safe here. No one would hurt her.

She took a deep breath, and her expression began to change as reality set in and the tension drained from her body.

Seeing Nari's expression, Bada's smile faltered, but she quickly regained her poise and said cheerfully, "It's just me, don't worry."

"Yeah, sorry," Nari said sheepishly, smiling at Bada. "I'm just...not used to people sneaking up on me."

Bada nodded and turned to face Nari, her concern rising as she noticed the bruise starting to form around her wrist.

"Nari, I've told you so many times, you can come to my apartment," she said, her voice gentle but firm. "You can always come and live with me we can share-"

Nari shook her head, avoiding Bada's gaze. "No, it's alright," she insisted, but her words lacked confidence.

"It's not alright at all," Bada repeated firmly, "Nari, I'm worried about you."

Bada felt her frustration growing with each passing moment. She understood the difficult situation that Nari was going through at home, and it was awful.

However, her attempts to help were being rejected by Nari's hesitance to open up. Trying her best to remain calm, Bada found her patience slowly wearing thin.

Her desire to help her girlfriend was overwhelming, and she hoped and prayed that Nari would eventually come to her and share her troubles - at least then, Bada would be able to offer some much needed comfort.

"Leave it, Bada," Nari said, turning briefly from her work to look at Bada with irritation, her tone dismissive and adamant.

But Bada simply would not be deterred.

"I'm not leaving it," she said stubbornly. "Nari, you need help."

With her eyes pleadingly fixed on Bada, Nari begged desperately.

"Please, I can't leave Hana alone."

But Bada wouldn't have any of it. She took Nari's hands, holding them gently.

"You can take her too," Bada said, her tone full of genuine concern. "I don't care. We can figure it out. But you can't stay there by yourself."

Nari let out a breath of admiration as she took in her girlfriend's charming appearance. With her large glasses adding to the overall loveliness, her style was casual but cute as she wore an oversized T-shirt. She wanted desperately to accept Bada's offer, but to her, leaving Hana behind would be unthinkable.

She'd rather die than allow her little sister to suffer at the hands of that asshole.

"Im fine Bada really" She was really grateful for Bada's support, but her struggle was one that Nari felt she must fight alone.

Bada sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose and nodding in understanding. She well knew Nari's stubbornness, and wouldn't push her too hard about the situation. She knew that Nari didn't like being pressured, and this time she let it go.

But sooner or later, they'd have to have the talk again, and Bada wouldn't give up so easily this time.

Bada's gaze fell on Nari's desk, her eyes glancing over the empty Red Bull cans and coffee cups strewn across the surface.

Taking her bag, she took out two sandwiches and set them down in front of Nari with a soft shrug.

"Don't even try," she said with a firm smile, "You need to eat. And I'm not taking no for an answer."

Nari's words prompted a small smile on Bada's face.

"You sound like my grandma, but I'm not hungry," she replied with a playful tilt of her head. "I have work."

Bada's glare was unmistakable, and she huffed, "You know our project isn't due for months, you don't need to overwork yourself."

"Okay, and?" Nari shrugged, remaining persistent even when Bada rolled her eyes.

"Making the designs and sewing takes way too long, and I want it to be perfect."

Bada let out a soft groan in response, shaking her head gently. This girl will never learn, she thought, amused. She leaned in and grabbed her ruler making the shorter girl whine

"Bada no give it to me" Nari tried to grab it but it was a fail, Bada smirked at her attempts

"Eat first"

"I'm not hungry, I swear" Nari objected, though with little conviction.

Bada wasn't buying it, and continued to press the issue, "I know you haven't had a proper meal all day...."

Bada wasn't buying it, and continued to press the issue.

"I know you haven't had a proper meal all day," she repeated with firmness, but Nari hadn't been listening. Instead, her eyes were drawn down to Bada's beautiful face, then slowly to her lips.

Nari leaned in, ready to give her girlfriend a quick kiss in the hopes that it would silence her for a while.

But as she leaned back to break away from the kiss, Bada refused, she grabbed her chin, pulling Nari back in for another tender moment, their lips meeting once again in a flurry of passion.

Nari felt her heart racing as her body tingled with heat as Bada's soft, passionate lips pressed firmly against her own.

She held her girlfriend's face, her hands tenderly caressing her cheeks, as Bada leaned forward and pressed her back against the wall.

In this moment, with her head spinning from the thrill of their kiss and their bodies together, she could think of nothing else but her

Nari bit her lip and Bada groaned, closing her eyes as they pulled apart yet remained close to each other.

"Stop distracting me," Bada said with a gentle frown. "Your amazing kiss doesn't negate the fact that you still need to eat."

"Damn it," Nari groaned, "I was so hoping it would make you forget, but I knew that was a long shot."

Bada chuckled softly as she ruffled the shorter girl's hair.

"I'll need more kisses for tha-"

Nari cut Bada off with another tender kiss, her lips pressing softly to the other girl's face and keeping her from continuing her sentence.

A mischievous grin spread across Bada's lips, and she couldn't help teasing her girlfriend further by pulling back and then leaning in and drawing Nari into another kiss.

The cycle repeated itself several times, with Bada teasing and Nari responding with a kiss, their lips connecting again and again, their embrace growing more intense and passionate with each passing moment.

After much pleading from Bada, Nari finally relented and ate, allowing their meal to be enjoyed in peace.

As the duo began eating and talking with laughter filling the air, Aeri watched from outside class smirking. With her phone cradled in her hands, she began walking away, her smirk

In her mind, Nari reflected that half of her day had gone well so far, especially due to Bada's presence.

Yet, as is often the case, her joy was tempered as the moment turned sour in an instant when she heard a loud crash as soon as she stepped into her house.

Racing to the living room, her vision grew red as the sight of her sister sobbing filled her with anguish, her emotions taking control and causing her heart to hurt from her younger sibling's pain.

"What the hell did you do to her?" Nari asked with genuine fury, moving towards her broken sister and ignoring any potential damage from the broken plate on the floor.

"She's a useless child!" her father yelled with a slurred voice "I asked her to make me food and all she fucking brought me was a piece of bread"

"She's only six, you bastard," Nari yelled back, her words punctuated by her father's drunken slurring.

"She's not even old enough to properly take care of herself, let alone make you a full meal."

"Don't you raise your voice at me, you little bitch," her father said forcefully, pointing his finger at Nari.

Nari knew that her words might anger the man before her, and the possibility of repercussions crossed her mind.

Yet, she found herself unable to care, and she stood her ground, her expression firm

"Go to your room," Nari whispered to her sister, attempting to comfort the young girl as she was still sobbing.

Hana shook her head, firmly refusing to comply with her sister's request.

"Hana, I said go."

Nari looked at her little sister, gently pushing her away and away "Please"

She knew that things would only get worse, so she didn't want Hana to see the ugliness of the situation.

Hana's eyes were filled with knowledge beyond her years, even as she was still so young.

Her heart was broken at the thought of leaving Nari all alone to face her father's wrath, but she knew that she had to go.

Without another word, her footsteps echoed off the stairs as she raced away, rushing into the sanctuary of her room.

Hana closed her door and buried her face in her pillow, her heart in knots as she tried to muffle the sound of her soft, frightened tears, as she listened to her fathers yells

"You'll never lay a hand on her ever again," Nari yelled, her anger taking over and making her voice boom like thunder.

"Im her father"

"I don't care" Nari continued, shaking her head

"I don't care," Nari said, trying her best to hold back her tears "A good father cares for and protects their children, he doesn't hurt and punish them"

She knew she shouldn't show her vulnerability in front of him, and she tried to stand strong while speaking her mind even as her emotions bubbled to the surface.

Her father paced around the room in agitation, his anger causing him to throw an empty beer can at the wall.

Nari flinched, her heart pounding at her father's anger

"You're a coward," Nari repeated, her words cutting into her father's pride in a way that nothing else could have.

She felt his hand sting her face the sensation of that slap was not new to her, as if her whole life had been leading up to that moment, but she continued to stand her ground and refused to cry

"No food for you and that little monster for a week," her father said, grabbing her face tightly.

Nari closed her eyes and braced herself for another slap, but it never came.

Instead, her father released his grip on her face, grabbing her bag and searching through it for money

Upon finding it, her father extracted her hard-earned funds from her wallet and threw her wallet back at her face

When she heard the front door close, Nari broke down, as tears spilled over her cheeks.

The weight of the world had seemed to be resting on her shoulders, and now that she was alone, she allowed herself to feel the full force of all the pain and sadness she had tried so hard to suppress.

[acetone4veins]

Quotes + Mean Girls

associating angsty quotes (and some fluffy ones) to mean girls characters and dynamics, this is definitely longer than it should be and will probably be part 1 of many but anyways. lmk which were your favorites and which ones ruined you :) also shoutout to the cautionary tale discord who saw some of these already and ramble about these characters with me <3

posting under the cut so i don't clog anyone's feeds

Regina

"what a terrible thing to wound someone you really care for - and to do it so unconsciously."

Haruki Murakami

"and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?"

Charles Bukowski

"i am changing. i am trying to be better. it is slow; it is rough; it is repetitive, but i swear i am."

Abdulsamad S. M.

"i did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. i did not like to be touched because i craved it too much. i wanted to be held very tight so i would not break."

Marya Hornbacher

"i was not a loveable child, and i'd grown into a deeply unlovable adult. draw a picture of my soul, and it'd be a scribble with fangs."

Gillian Flynn

"if only my heart were as cold as i pretend it is, maybe i could get over this."

Jessica Katoff

"i wasn't beautiful anymore. now i looked like what i was, a raw wound."

Janet Fitch

"i'm restless and harsh and despairing. although i do have love inside me. i just don't know how to use love. sometimes it tears at my flesh, like barbs."

Clarice Lispector

"i did not mean to be cruel. i swear i am good, i am good, i am kind. i have love inside me. some place far far away."

unknown

Cady

"how much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before its some kind of murder?"

Richard Siken

"your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing."

Dyodor Dosteovsky

"what and how much had i lost by trying to do only what was expected of me instead of what i myself wished to do?"

Ralph Ellison

"my god, my god, whose performance am i watching? how many people am i? who am i? what is this space between myself and myself?"

Fernando Pessoa

"it was good for a while, being empty. i didn't hurt anymore. but as time went on, it was like i could hear myself from far away, begging for permission to come back."

Myra McEntire

"is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?"

Friedrich Nietzsche

"who's the real you? the person who did something awful, or the one who's horrified by the awful thing you did? is one part of you allowed to forgive the other?"

Rebecca Stead

"you're a mess of good intentions gone wrong. you strike a match on yourself to keep others warm, and now the whole goddamn world's on fire. you try to put it out, and you try so hard. the dam breaks, and the waters of your sorrow pour free. you are sorry; so very, very sorrow - and you will drown everyone to prove it."

unknown

Janis

"there are times when i am convinced i am unfit for any human relationship."

Franz Kafka

"i am eternally, devastatingly romantic, and i thought people would see it because 'romantic' doesn't mean 'sugary'. it's dark and tormented - the furor of passion, the despair of an idealism that you cannot attain."

Catherine Breillat

"but whatever came, she had resolved never again to belong to another than herself."

Kate Chopin

"there were two reasons i was scared to let people in; the damage they could do, and the damage they could find."

Chris McGeown

"perhaps its good for one to suffer. can an artist do anything if he's happy? would he ever want to do anything? what is art, after all, but a protest against the horrible inclemency of life?"

Aldous Huxley

Gretchen

"i want so obviously, so desperately to be loved, and to be capable of love."

Sylvia Plath

"she wanted to say 'don't leave me', but she couldn't do it, not again. she was so tired of begging people to love her."

Kristin Hannah

"he is charmingly telling me how much he does not love me...and i, - listening to him carefully, - am approving it."

Marina Tsvetaeva

"she's gonna forever say 'i got this' even with tears in her eyes."

unknown

"still there is this terrible desire to be loved. still, there is this horror at being left behind."

Michael Cunningham

"can you understand me? someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little?"

Sylvia Plath

"i am trying to make myself digestible. i am trying to make myself easy to love."

I.B. Vyache

"do you think it is possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return?"

Tyler Knott Gregson

Karen

"the sensitive suffer more; but they love more, and dream more."

Augusto Cury

"a lot of people tell me i'm a bit dreamy. but i like the idea of that. of being somewhere else."

Alam

"you cannot make everyone think and feel as deeply as you do. this is your tragedy, because you understand them but they do not understand you."

Daniel Saint

Regina and Janis

"the bear loved the deer, it was obvious. it ripped the deer's throat out, and then licked the dying deer with the most passionate affection. i thought of you and me."

David Cronenberg

"can you hate someone for what they have done, but still love them for whom they had been?"

Jodi Picoult

"love isn't soft, like those poets say. love has teeth which bite and the wounds never close."

Stephen King

"i love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."

Pablo Neruda

"they will hook me up to a polygraph and ask me if i love you and i will say no but the needle will jump and sputter exactly how you laugh."

unknown

"there's a sickening feeling of familiarity, when the wrong person knows you too well and you know them too well. and they weren't always the wrong person."

unknown

"we don't mean to hurt each other, but we do. and perhaps no matter how right we are for each other, we'll always be a little wrong."

Beau Taplin

Regina and Cady

"i am intense darkness and you are a golden sunrise."

Arijit Singh and Pritam

"even before you touched me, i belonged to you; all you had to do was look at me."

unknown

"whether you come as a lover or an executioner, i am ready to receive you."

Agustin Gomez-Arcos

"for the longest time, i saw myself as a bad person. you don't know how much it meant to me when you looked at me and could see the good."

unknown

"but i have seen the best of you and the worst of you, and i choose both."

Sarah Kay

"i promised myself i would never fall in love with you. but it was 4 am, and we were laughing way too hard, and i felt happy for the first time in a long time, and i knew i was screwed."

unknown

Gretchen and Karen

"i would rather be with you - even the you that you seem to think is diminished - than with anyone else in the world."

Jojo Moyes

"it hurts, he realizes, to love someone who can't love themselves. like watching a work of art set itself on fire."

unknown

"how amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head."

Nina LaCour

"come love, make me better than i was. come teach me a kinder way to say my own name."

Andrea Gibson

"i wanted you to see a mess and still find me worthy of love, to tell me that you could still love me anyway."

Georges Bataille

"sometimes, love is as simple as watching the moon and sometimes its as difficult as counting the stars. but i love doing both for you."

unknown

Janis and Damian

"you may be born into a family, but you walk into friendships. some you'll discover you should put behind you. others are worth every risk."

Adam Silvera

Regina and Gretchen

"but i am very homesick for arms that have never held me."

unknown

"i burned so long so quiet you must have wondered if i loved you back. i did, i did, i do."

Annelyse Gelman

"so i wait for you like a lonely house till you will see me again and live in me. till then my windows ache."

Pablo Neruda

"how do you tell someone that the reason you're sad is because you love them?"

unknown

[xxladyballadxx]

My Love, My World, My Treasure

Richter Belmont x f! reader

❀ Dividers by @saradika-graphics ❀

ꕤ I recommend listening to Two Slow Dancers by Mitski while reading this ꕤ

Summary: A week had passed ever since you finally killed the patriarch that used you as a weapon to rage against wars. The nightmare was over, you were finally free. Then…you became more aloof, distancing yourself from everyone. Richter and the others knew what was up. Tera and Maria decided to help Richter out to do something special for you, to bring out a smile on your face once again…

“Richter, where are you taking me?” You asked in curiosity while having a blindfold over your eyes. “Hold on, we’re almost there.” Richter reassured you, holding your hands steadily that way you don’t trip or bump into anything. Still wondering what Richter was up to. Your eyes remained close behind the blindfold. “Okay, my sweet dove, we’re here.” Richter released your hands, hearing the steps of him walking behind you to untie the knot of the blindfold. 

With the blindfold no longer shielding the surprise, you lit your eyes open and felt the warm breeze crawling up on you, your hair dancing mid-air as it flowed over some parts of your face. 

You gasped, reeling in joy and happiness. Your eyes wandered around the place, you were taken to a field full of gorgeous flowers by your amazing boyfriend Richter Belmont. So this is what he wanted to show you. 

Roses, daisies, tulips and many other flowers were blooming beautifully on the green shining grass. “They’re beautiful!” You beamed out, bending down to touch the petals with your fingertips. “I know you haven’t been feeling like yourself recently.” Richter spoke calmly while he went over to you, a worried smile appearing, “I wanted to do something special for you, to bring a smile to your face once again. To cheer you up…” 

You stood up, walking over to Richter with a sweet loving smile popping up, “Richter…” he held your hands and motioned his eyes to gaze at yours, “I hope this isn’t too much, you’ve been through a lot and I realized we were never able to spend more time together since we were so focused on things that were dragging us down to the fucking dirt. You mean a lot to me, (Name).” He squeezes your hands lovingly, his blue oceanic orbs falling up on you, “I can’t bear to see you suffering like this…” 

Richter was hurting deeply inside, for you and he figured out that you haven’t been your usual happy-self for the past few days. This is why he did all this for you… 

“Oh Richter…” You held up your hand, caressing the side of his face while he looked at you worryingly, “This…all this means everything to me. I love what you did with the flowers…” you pulled away to look down to the blossoms. “Somehow they remind me of a beautiful garden back home in London, do you remember?” 

Richter chuckled, recalling the moments you spent more time with him when you were both children, “I always plucked out the rose from the bush and removed its bloody thorns before putting on your hair. Sometimes I get yelled at by one of your butlers since I wasn’t supposed to take the flower from a bush.” He picked out a Chrysanthemum and placed it behind your ear, admiring how stunning you look with it. “You love to make those flower crowns and put them on my head, wanting me to match with you.” 

You smiled fondly, “Oh yes. I even made a flower ring for you too. “ Those were the greatest days for you and Richter. You were much happier back then, running around in the garden with Richter while he chased you wildly. “I..missed this…I missed the moments we had together when we were kids.” 

Richter held your hands together in his palms, gazing his blue sea orbs upon you, “I do too, (Name). Nine years and here I thought…I would never see you again. The person whom I held so close to my heart.” 

You recalled the time where Richter rescued you from that cult, he couldn’t recognise you at first. You never prayed for someone you knew to come and rescue you. Richter Belmont, the close friend you ever had, rescued you. He came back to you. During the invasion in London, with the vampires slaughtering the citizens, Richter thought you were killed along with your family. 

He regained some parts of his happiness when he found you, so did you.

Richter sat beside you as you began to make garlands, creating a crown out of various flowers. He watches you making one, his gaze unmoving. “Where do you see us when this is all over?” Richter had been wanting to ask you for a while, he never got the chance to for some reason. Perhaps he was too focused on taking down the Messiah and her army. 

You put down the unfinished crown on your lap and face Richter in his direction, “I truly wish I have an answer for that. I never thought about it that deeply. Maybe…somewhere nice…perhaps in a cottage. Living there peacefully I suppose..” 

Richter shone a warm smile, holding your hand into his, “That would actually be quite nice…for you and me.” You gave him a kiss on the cheek in return before finishing off making the garlands. Richter knew you would need this, wanting to get away from all the terrible things that were dragging you down. 

You set your eyes towards the warm blue sky, the yellow-red burning sun shining brightly on your face, “It’s quite lovely out here, isn’t it?” you stood up with that finished flower crown in your hands you finished making. 

Richter got up on his feet, standing next to you. His eyes wandered around the area, a little speck of gleam going through his pupils, “It really is. Not as beautiful as you though.” 

Your face flushed at his compliment, you turned towards his direction wanting to look him in the eye with that flourishing reddened face of yours. Richter found it quite adorable seeing you like that, it brings him much joy just by spending his time with his lover. Seeing a girl he truly loves smiling once again. 

He took the flower crown off your hands, slowly planting it on your head. A sparkle of happiness painted over Richter’s face, “You look beautiful as ever, (Name).” The wind dancing through your hair, parts of them flowing over your face as a radiant smile shone across your lips. 

Richter gripped your hands, inching you closer to him. He held your head leaning in for a kiss. You closed your eyes when his lips touched yours sweetily. A slow, passionate kiss melting onto your soft lips. Richter moved his head away from your face to say, “I love you, (Name), so damn much.” 

Your eyes pricked with tears, “I know. I love you too.” You wrapped your arms around him lovingly, your head burying into his chest, “My love, my world, my treasure.” you looked up to his face, smiling as you shed more tears of sparkled joy, “You are the one I need. You, Richter Belmont, are my precious treasure.” 

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

a/n - Hello everyone! I hope you all like what I've written on here! I wanted to tear up so much while writing the ending for this (╥﹏╥)

Anyways, keep yourselves warm in this very cold season and make sure you take care of your health! ( • ᴗ - ) ✧

UNTIL NEXT TIME 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

[luveline]

jade my darling, could i please request the bf that is fred weasley looking after r with an ear infection? it could be muggle OR modern!au and not in the asf universe but up to u <333 i just need comfort from my freddie because i am in immense pain with a probable ear infection (spoiler: it sucks!)

sorry this took me those two days sweetheart i hope you're doing better now!! asf fred x fem!reader

"My mum said I should give you mudwort and lavender tincture," Fred says. 

"Both sound awful," you mumble, laying on your back on the sofa, hands held out to take his as he approaches. He tried to make you chew mudwort this morning, you vehemently denied it. 

Fred looks bitten by the cold, though he's barely been gone for ten minutes. Quicker to go see his mum and ask for a solution than pen a letter and wait for her to get it. He crouches down next to you and feels along your forehead with his cold fingers, a nice relief. 

"You okay?" he asks. 

"I'm okay, please don't make me take mudwort." 

"No, I won't," he assures you. He's wearing a frown, the 'my heart is so broken for you' expression he actually lets you see these days. 

"You used to do all your worrying secretly," you mumble. 

"So did you," he says, kissing your head carefully. 

You wince despite his gentleness, the ache in your ear having pervaded into your teeth and brow, even behind your eye. "Can I have more painkillers now?" 

"Yes, I think so. It's not quite been four hours, but," —he sighs and kisses your hand before letting it rest on your chest— "I don't think it's alright for you to be in this much pain, lovely girl." 

Even now his pet names make you giddy. Smiling through the pain, you pull the throw blanket he's laid over you upto your chin. You haven't cried for a few hours, but the pain is acute and building fast. Your eyes hurt, your nose hurts, Fred's too far away and his stupid brother hasn't come to see you, either. 

"Will George be coming over?" you ask. 

Fred pops ibuprofen and paracetamol into his hands. If you're refusing mudwort (as you have from the beginning of your sickness), then those will have to do. "Round two." 

"Time is it now?" 

"Two. Sit up, then, you can have these with some apple juice." 

You blow out a suffering breath and sit up. Your ear feels better for it, honestly, so you elect to stay sitting, taking your tablets and shifting your legs to make room for your devoted boyfriend to sit beside you. Luckily you're not contagious. Fred's the one who made you sick, and he got sick from one of his many siblings who got sick from who knows, but so far you're the only person to suffer with an ear infection. 

He's free to sit close to you and ogle you shamelessly. "You're still very, very pretty, even when you're ill. How do you manage that?" 

You smile at him. It's a sad smile, too pained to really give him much minding. "Practice," you joke. 

Fred appreciates your effort. He pulls your arm into his lap to touch gently, drawing shapes and stars and spirals into your hot skin. 

"Mudwort's not as bad as you remember," he begins lightly, his nonchalance a dead giveaway that it is definitely as bad as you remember. "It's like long grain rice, you know?" 

"It tastes like clay if clay was evil." 

"Yeah," he says, his guilty smile making apples of his cheeks, his freckles dancing. "Okay. The lavender tincture will be ready in a bit, you don't have any qualms against lavender, do you?" 

"Quite like lavender," you mumble, closing your eyes. You're too tired to stay alert but hurting too much to sleep. 

"I quite like you, ghost," he murmurs. Ghost a silly nickname and not silly at all, a lasting moniker that the twins defer to whenever they feel like being especially affectionate. You used to be very quiet before you met them, like a ghost. 

You frown deeply as a wave of throbbing pain worsens. Lost in it, you're unsure how much time passes, but George arrives at the same time as the tinctures ready, sitting gingerly beside you. 

"This is very unfortunate," he says. He pokes your arm. "Fred does realise that if he fails to look after you, we'll only have Lee Jordan left?" 

"You love Lee Jordan," you mumble. 

"Ah, but I love you more." You squint at him. He looks a lot like Fred, but he doesn't look at you as Fred does. When Fred looks at you, it's with a lovelorn, inescapable fondness, like he wants to wrap you up in his arms for days at a time and just hold you. George grimaces at your dishevelled appearance. "Well, I loved you. I'll give a heartfelt eulogy." 

"We aren't best friends anymore," you complain, pushing at his hand ineffectually. 

Fred sits down. You'd barely recognised his departure. "I think you should mercy kill me," you say, scrunching your eyes closed. You're joking but tears well unbidden along your lash line, trying hard to push out. You scrunch your eyes harder. 

"You'll be okay," Fred promises, tincture in hand. "I promise. You'll have a couple of drops of this, okay?" 

"Wait, I have to eat it?" you ask, suddenly much more reluctant. 

"Yeah. I'll take some too, if you like. We'll all have lavender mouths." 

You close your eyes and tilt your head back, knowing Fred will dropper the tincture into your mouth. It's oily and tastes cloying. George presses a cup into your hands, and you drink quickly to get rid of the bad taste.

You nearly gag, swallowing roughly against the oily feeling coating your teeth. 

"Bet you wish you'd taken the mudwort now." 

"Shut up, George." 

George doesn't shut up. He doesn't yell, but he talks to you for a while, staving off tears with his presence alone. He gives your hand a good squeeze as he says goodbye, promising to bring you a proper jar of sweets if you make it through the infection. 

"I notice you haven't offered me anything," you tell Fred as he sits down. Tears bump down your cheeks from the pain. You're trying to ignore them. "I want things, you know." 

"That's music to my ears," he says, pulling your head toward his chest gently, giving you the chance to stop him if it hurts. "I love when you want things. I'll get you literally whatever it is you want just as soon as you can fight your poorly ear off." 

Fred gives you a tiny kiss at your crown. You sniffle.

"What can I do?" he asks. 

"This is really perfect," you say, wiping your tears away before they can tickle. "I have everything I need until it's over. You and paracetamol." 

He knows how much you mean it. Nearly every horrible thing you've lived through has been while you were holding his hand. Fred looks a little like he could cry himself as he smiles at you, stroking your damp cheek with the back of his hand. He softens his touch as your eyes flutter closed, his voice like a hum as he says, "Sorry, lovely. I didn't mean to make you so unwell." 

"I could've slept on the sofa," you say with a shrug. 

"But you insisted on taking care of me, and now you're not well," he says, kissing your crown a second time. "I'm sorry. Please try not to cry, okay, it's only going to hurt more." 

"You need to distract me, then," you say, pursing your lips for a kiss. 

He leans down to give you the kiss you're craving. "Love you," he says, all smushed. 

"I love you, Freddie," you say, dropping back down into your cushion nest. "Don't feel guilty, okay? Everyone gets sick." 

"I just don't like you getting ill. You've had a rough enough go." 

You breathe in through your nose, pulling his upper arm toward you so he can't run away. He wouldn't, but still. 

"I can manage. Have a really nice boy looking after me." 

Fred makes a sound somewhere between a laugh and a groan and settles down next to you for the long haul. "You're easy to look after. Try and have a rest, yeah? Let's kip." 

[naturallyadventured]

sacred.play

𓂀 𝔗𝔥𝔢𝔯𝔢 𝔦𝔰 𝔰𝔬 𝔪𝔲𝔠𝔥 𝔭𝔬𝔴𝔢𝔯 𝔦𝔫 𝔰𝔞𝔠𝔯𝔢𝔡 𝔰𝔦𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔥𝔬𝔬𝔡, 𝔱𝔬𝔤𝔢𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔴𝔢 𝔯𝔦𝔰𝔢. ☽ ◯ ☾

fernolivia

One of my favorite photos 📷 women CELEBRATING women. Captured by @sacred.play In healing sister wounds around jealousy & competition, I noticed how I would feel threatened by women offering similar magic. I always wanted to be the shining star 🌟 I was an only child, so I have been CLEARING old programming of needing to be the center of attention. 💕sharing the spotlight with my tribe is much more fun and soo much less pressure! How have I healed? I hug my inner child and remind her that she is unique & so loved! I placed balm on the wound by calling in my sisters who offer similar medicine, so we can share and expand in co-creation, as we learn from each other. We know that there is ALWAYS enough love to go around, there are no worries or hurt feelings when we can’t attend every event because we energetically sprinkle our love where it needs to go - all 💕 for each other sharing in service to grow our communities. 💚🌿 There are many beautiful portals popping up around Santa Teresa, including my home Temple Gaia 🌿 during my travels thru Nosara & Uvita this month, I was in awe at the abundance of visionaries rooting + rising here. 🌱 let’s keep going shall we?! It makes my ❤️ so happy to see the new waves of women and men co-creating Heaven on Earth. 🌊🌎Though I have been in Costa Rica for 4 years, and many of my sisters for far longer, I truly know that we have all been here for lifetimes before! ✨ when we remember that we’ve landed back here to shine together, we will unlock the keys to Heaven on Earth. 🦋

fernolivia

WE are dear sisters, fellow priestesses, at the Great Turning. 🌏👼🌺 "When a priestess is truly seated on her throne, she realizes that she carries the throne within her. Our bodies are the temple of our souls. To be seated on the throne is to be well placed inside our own sacred chambers, deeply grounded into the root of Mother Earth, well-seated in the center of our belly, as we connect to the stars and the sky and let the Goddess's inspiration, her words, and actions flow through us." Gaia Codex: Node 34215.955 Our temples are found in forest groves, in the reflection of a clear glacial lake, or on the mountaintop. 🌾 It is known that our physical bodies are one of our most profound and sacred temples. 🦋 The priestess must be pure of heart. ❤️ She must know her body to be a temple of the Cosmos and of Earth, and she must be awakened to the Serpent, the Kundalini, the Shakti within her. ✨ As I gaze into her eyes, feel her angelic hands on my bare skin, I am being joined with a lost part of myself. My bones feel stronger. My cells are more vibrant. My breath is steadier, my vision clearer. "I have been waiting all my life for this." I whisper. "All your sisters have been waiting for you." I feel my heart as a luminous bloom that continues to unfold. I also feel the pain, the distinct physical sharpness, as our collective past sorrows arise to the surface - my visceral sorrow for what is happening to our Mother Earth, and the suffering of many souls on the planet. The tension on my heart increases until it breaks, flooding my body with radiance. The heart has many layers.❤️ There are emanations and intimations of the Web of Life that appear to move through all Women through the rising sun, and the corner fires that keep people warm at night. I begin to notice faces in the crowd: strangers who feel familiar. Women who like myself, appear ordinary, yet emit a certain presence on closer inspection. The look and silent greeting that rings within my ears.🙏 Sister, we are here.

[ihavenothingtodo10220]

Hwang Hyunjin ideal type & Relationships in general ꨄ

-Hyunjin's ideal type, relationship info, and anything else is based solely on his natal chart. His birth time is currently unknown, so I calculated this chart with that in mind. Some things may be slightly inaccurate based on that but I tried my best with what I have. Basically, I'm going to first do breakdowns of him in a relationship and his general type based on every aspect of his natal chart, then at the end an overview of all the things combined. The breakdowns will be more detailed, though, and contain more of my reasonings. The overview will combine everything together, and contain more info on his ideal type, as well as how he is in reationships. This is just for fun, please take this with a grain of salt! The breakdown of his side of things will be in normal text, while his type based on it will be in italics. I'm considering making an additional three posts: One more in-depth one going into Hyunjin's birth chart, another more in-depth one going into Hyunjin in a relationship, and the last more in-depth one going into Hyunjin's ideal type. Maybe even a more 18+ one we shall see. Let me know if you want that. This is definitely going to be more heavy on his Venus and Mars, as well as his Moon, Sun, and Rising signs. This will also begin with a few notes at the beginning, basically ratings based on the combination of all these traits.

F-Boy levels - 7.5/10 (I definitely think he would want a committed relationship, but it'd be hard for him to have one. It's a combination of so many things, with 1. Him being a star in his early twenties with millions of people thirsting after and worshipping him, 2. his placements implying HEAVY sexual desires, and just general high...Drive. 3. Some of his placements, when combined, point to him having a distinct inability to stick to one person, or commit to a relationship. Granted, when he does, he'd be the best boyfriend, but...Getting him to? One hell of a ride. Though this'll definitely be covered more in depth at the end.)

Boyfriend material - 7.5/10 (Honestly, if he wasn't so goddamn non-committal he'd be a 9. Hyunjin as a boyfriend would be amazing, all things considered, even if he can be a bit critical. Though, again, go into this in-depth at the end.)

Pisces Sun

Trust Pisces tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves when it comes to love and romance, but it's still an earned privilege, as they don't generally open up to just anyone. They're extremely selective with their inner circle, and when it comes to first impressions and gut instincts they're unswayable. Either they trust you, or they don't. No in-betweens. As such, he'd naturally be attracted to extremely honest people, as well as attracted to trust in others, as well as people who are very upfront and open. Not the type who will tell their entire life story to him immediately, but the type who will be upfront with their feelings and desires, and will essentially let him know what exactly he's getting himself into. Essentially, he needs someone he knows for certain he can trust, and who trusts him in return.

Sensitivity Pisces are very very sensitive when it comes to both themselves and the world around them. They're extremely touched by suffering; at least in theory. They believe in people and have a hard time saying no. They are also deeply hurt by a lack of compassion. They avoid harsh realities by escapism or delusion, but every now and again when they are faced with the harshness of reality, they retreat into their own world. They're definitely self-pitying when they get like that and give themselves pep talks, though they're prone to very extreme solutions in their minds, such as thoughts like "I'll never trust again!" that's usually fleeting. Those periods are also useful because bouts of self-pity make Pisces come back with a pep in their step better than ever. They help Pisces grow. They also make them even more compassionate and trusting. Pisces is a creative with angst, although this is brought out more in Pisces moons. He can also be very self-destructive, and worry about betrayal, though those around him may find it more endearing than anything. He can also be very self-sacrificial at times, even if his Pisces Sun will make him yearn for kind of the white picket fence dream. Pisces look for people who can be there for them, and help care for them. Someone who is in-tuned with emotions, and can help ease them through these periods and listen to their troubles, as well as talk about the deeper things in life. They need someone who's warm and compassionate and caring, as well as ideally someone with a confidence and steadfastness that helps balance out their sensitivity and generally self-pitying nature. Pisces also love praise, albeit they're very perceptive, so they'll know if it's honest, real praise or not. They like honest praise that's not just surface-level like "I like your shirt!" but something deeper and genuinely from the heart. They also need someone with enough emotional maturity to help combat their general emotionalness.

Indecision With Hyunjin's particular Pisces positioning, albeit guesstimated, he has a lot of conflict with his wants and needs, often leading to indecision. He also has a tendency to stray in many aspects of life, definitely putting the 'stray' in 'Straykids'. His ability to be objective is both a strength and a weakness because when he decides on one thing he's pulled in another direction. Something will always make him question his stance, often forming "What if..."s. He's always aware of the opposing side of the coin. In addition to this, he's strong-willed and sensitive, which can most definitely create conflicts when all three things combine, though they'd subside with time. There's often conflict between his more internalized needs, and his goals and motivations. Because of this, his private and public personas are entirely different, mirroring his inner and outer goals being different. Hyunjin would probably find himself more drawn to someone decisive, know what they want, and voice those opinions. He'd also be drawn to someone who could help guide him, and offer advice and counsel when it comes to decision-making, without being entirely overbearing or controlling of his decisions. Someone who could help him out, and who he could talk to when trying to make important decisions he can't seem to decide on. He'd also need someone who wouldn't be distinctly bothered by the difference between his private and public personas and would know that he still loves them and he's always going to be Hyunjin.

Virgo Moon

The Little Things Virgo moons find security in the little things. They feel content when all the little details are straightened out, and may even find genuine joy in running errands, balancing the books, and paying bills. Even if some won't let on, they still take care of those things happily. Though they can get very naggy. But as long as they're appreciated, they'll help take care of the lives of those they love as well. They're at their best when they feel useful and needed like they have a purpose and a role. If someone needs help they're usually the first to jump on the task. Many consider Virgo Moons to be underachievers, but in reality, most are simply content with living lives that are...Well, regular. They appreciate simplicity. Virgo moons definitely like to have someone they could care for, and look out for. They like being able to take care of their partners and feel needed by doing little things for them. Virgo moons are generally very domestic people, and they like taking care of chores and such. They definitely feel more in their element of caring for others and would prefer it to be that way. They're drawn to people who seem weak or even almost incapable, and who can't care for themselves on their own, so they can feel needed, and help out caring for that person.

Overwhelmed Virgo Moons are very easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. They worry a lot, especially when there's so much to think about, and know their limits which is both a blessing and a curse. Virgos find solace in a steady routine, or a satisfying job. They need to feel useful. They need a place to call their own, and the space to do what they want to do. Virgos often gravitate more towards owning homes than renting because of it, as they want to be able to do their own thing in their own space without too many restrictions. He can sometimes even get fussy or complain-y if he's unhappy with something. They enjoy routine and freak out if the routine is not followed or deviated from. They are restless and nervous and fail to see the big picture in things sometimes. Often the best remedy for this is a job or hobby where they can express their deep need to analyze, micro-manage, and attend to details. Hyunjin would probably be drawn to someone with a calm, more laid-back, or relaxed demeanor to offset his being prone to getting very stressed and overwhelmed. He'd probably look for someone with a calm, balancing aura who can help calm him down when he freaks out about something. He'd look for someone who can help draw him out of his shell just enough, but still be able to follow a routine, and be a reliable constant. He'd want someone with whom he'd know what he's getting himself into and know he can rely on. He'd want someone reliable and would definitely find himself more drawn to the type who are also very routine people like himself.

Practicality Virgo moons show love in more non-showy and practical manners. When it comes to open, gushy displays of emotion they can be stiff or freeze up, or not even know what to do. Oftentimes they'd even be uncomfortable with it. Virgo moons are often shy with new people, though when they open up they're anything but. They're talkative, and interested, and even interesting themselves. Virgo moons are trustworthy and reliable and can be counted on. Others can go to them for help and advice. In relationships, they're self-effacing and kind. Some are shy and easily intimidated in love, and others aren't comfortable with their sexuality, but all are eager to please nonetheless. Virgos are very body-aware, and as such they can be very self-critical as they're too aware of the parts that make up their body as a whole. Once they learn to come out of their shells, they can be very earthy and have a lot to give. He's also very skeptical, and wouldn't respond well to the blind faith of others. He'd be very critical, to a maddening level, and insistent on seeing the practical and everything. It could be challenging, especially if you're on the dreamier side. Virgo moons can also come across as confusing. For example, they're very interested in the problems of others but can come across as cool and unsympathetic. Their advice can seem hard to more sensitive people, yet when faced with the criticism of others they're more delicate. Virgo moons are voices of reason. They're very busy, and happy when their lives are under control. Many are early risers who go about the day with enthusiasm. They keep busy and manage their lives quietly, and give good advice. Hyunjin would inherently be attracted to people who are definitely affectionate but can be more subdued in public settings. He'd be drawn to someone who could bring him out of his shell and someone who he could feel entirely comfortable with. He'd want someone who can talk, and who can listen, and just genuinely someone he can talk to and even have deeper conversations with. He's a very trustworthy and reliable person, and as such, he'd naturally expect his partner to be the same. He'd want someone who talks to him about their problems but can also listen to his own. He'd definitely want someone who can bring out the more hidden sides of him, whether it be his talkative nature or his sexuality. He'd also want someone who makes him feel good about himself and his appearance. Someone who makes him feel like he's actually worth something. He has a lot to give, and anyone he's with should have a lot to give as well. He'd need someone who's more thick-skinned, and could handle his criticism. He'd also need someone who trusts him, but doesn't trust him immediately or blindly. Ironically, an excess of trust would make him trust his partner less. He could do good with someone who's more whimsical or dreamy, as they'd broaden the horizons of his inherent practicality, but at the same time he'd be more drawn to like-mindedly practical people, and might even find someone too dreamy to be annoying.

Perceptive Again the rest of this is definitely delving more into exact positioning, granted very guesstimated. He's very perceptive and will tune into the emotions and feelings of others. Because of this, he'll often withdraw from others isolate himself, and get overwhelmed easily, because he's constantly drawing in the feelings, emotions, and energies of those around him. He may have strong and sudden feelings or hunches that can overcome him. Though, his intuition is almost always correct, though his imagination is strong and as such he can read too much into a situation. He also has a deep connection with music due to this placement, as it ties in with his understanding of compassion. Oftentimes music resonates with him, and can even hone into the more emotional sides of him. He can dissect music for its lyrics feelings meanings and emotions, and often does so. He uses music as an outlet for emotions, as well as to help relax and uplift him. Though he'd undoubtedly be quick to grow annoyed, even if he's generally calm, humble, gentle, and reserved. He also has a very good memory, especially when it comes to the little things about people. He's also very devoted by nature. Though he may be more passive, as he was probably branded as a "shy" child, and as such those around him jumped in to save him from more confrontational or aggressive situations, now he's much more passive and won't just go out and get what he wants. Hyunjin would definitely want someone who is emotionally intelligent and competent but isn't overly emotional, again circling back to his attraction to those on the calmer side. He would want someone who's very straightforward in all manners, including emotions, and who wouldn't overwhelm him and can genuinely relax around. But he'd also want someone who can give him space when he needs it and is fine with that. He'd want someone who's as into music as he is, and who he can talk about music with all the time, and can even sing songs with. They don't have to be good at singing, but they just have to be able to sing along with him and have fun and no judgment. He'd also want someone who understands emotions and music as much as he does, as that amount of perceptiveness is harder to come by. He'd definitely want someone who's more in-tuned with and in control of their emotions.

Pisces Mercury

The 'Kid' in the Stray Kid. He sponges up the feelings and moods of those around him. He's moody, and sometimes he's withdrawn while other times he's quite the opposite. He's tactful and will go out of his way not to offend others, though that may cause him to let people walk all over him a little. He has a flexible mind, and mixed with his imagination it can make him very gullible, though he's open to possibilities. He's indirect, and it can be hard to pin down his beliefs and opinions. He looks on the bright side of life. He is happy, optimistic, agreeable, and sociable. He enjoys speaking and writing and is very charming and artistic. His intellectual pleasures are heavily influenced by feeling, like many other things in his life. Though don't get it twisted, he's definitely on the amorous and sensual side of things. He likes beauty, the arts, traveling, and a change in scenery. He also aims for diplomacy and is very charming. He is tolerant, intelligent, has big ideas, and has a strong sense of justice. His judgment and sense are good, and he generally has his feet on the ground. He fully enjoys literature and learning and will be very socially successful. He can also be quick to see the flaws in situations. He definitely would not be drawn to a more moody individual, instead being drawn to people who can be more objective when it comes down to it, and are more calm and stable. He would be drawn to someone who can put up with the changes from talkative to withdrawn and would be fine with them. He'd also be drawn more to someone he could be more open to, and someone who isn't overtly aggressive, as he'd desire more calm in a relationship and avoids arguing. He'd need someone who can definitely knock some sense into him and combat his overall gullibleness, and his desire to believe those around him. He'd also be drawn to someone who he could be comfortable enough with to be straightforward, and voice his thoughts, needs, and opinions. He'd want someone with similar interests, and who's a fellow intellectual who. he can speak to about deeper topics, or literature. He'd also be attracted more to people who are alluring and sensual, kind of like the seductive type. He'd be attracted to someone with innate charm and beauty, not necessarily someone who fits beauty standards, but who he finds to be drop-dead gorgeous.

Pisces Venus

Love Pisces present themselves as very dreamy and soft-hearted partners. The way they flirt definitely promises a lovely time in more ways than one, and they can most definitely fulfill that promise. He has an elusive charm and is generally very playful, moody, and a tad irregular. He appreciates romance and poetry and prefers to feel out both his partner and the relationship, so there's not much planning ahead. (We'll conquer how that ties into his Virgo moon later.) His sensitivity can be a tad misleading. Yes, he's sensitive, but some lovers may find it maddening that his sensitivity isn't exclusive, but rather towards everyone. His love is unconditional, and he'll make it known. He's unimpressed by status and loves a person by who they are on the inside and that alone. He can be confusing and hard to pin down when it comes to his relationships. As much as he wants to, he'll find it hard to commit. Many do end up committing, though, at least on the surface. Pleasing Pisces Venus involves tender moments and romantic times. Do not expect honesty from them, if anything expect them to spin the truth a tad. But know they do it because they don't want to hurt you, and want to spare you any heartache. Try to know them, even if they don't often know themselves. Hell, most Pisces Venus have a love affair going with being misunderstood. Try to put up with their lack of direction in a relationship. Pisces Venus finds it hard to commit to any one thing, even people. You will be rewarded with accepting, unconditional love. He's attracted to an underdog or a wayward person in need of his help. He can easily get into saving someone or being saved, because he's attracted to martyrdom, or states of suffering. He is also attracted to being saved. He's actually into inequality, surprisingly. He'd definitely go better with someone who is entirely submissive, or entirely dominant, no in-betweens. Not only that, but he'd go better with someone who can go with the flow and feel the relationship out with him, instead of just planning everything out. He'd do best with someone who could put up with his occasional lies to spare their feelings. Someone who could bring the truth out of him, or someone who could read him well enough to figure out the truth on their own. He'd also do best with someone who can put up with his indecision, and even possibly help guide him in that aspect.

Generosity He is good-hearted and generous. He likes well-being, comfort, and a problem-free life of ease. He has good relations with those in his social circle, and is easy to approach. He also may fall in love easily. He has a successful partnership and professional life. People usually trust him. He definitely would want someone who's good-hearted like him, and definitely someone who's more calm and easygoing, and could fit into a life of ease and leisure. However, he could also go for someone who, for all their easygoing calmness, is a massive pessimist or realist, to balance him out and essentially take off his rose-tinted glasses. However, that may also create conflict. Definitely hit or miss. He'd do well with someone who's possibly an ambivert, someone who can be introverted or extroverted depending on the situation and give the best of both worlds. Someone who can keep up with him in social situations and also bring him out of his shell with new people.

Intensity In an attempt to control the outcome of a relationship or someone's feelings, he may resort to games or manipulation. Even if he succeeds at that, he never feels he loves someone for who he is, and this creates a cycle that should be avoided if and when possible. His feelings are intense, or even extreme. He might attract an intense love-hate relationship because of his intensity. He's passionate with love, but also with hate. He can easily put pressure on a partner with his expectations, namely expectations of absolute loyalty and honesty. Should avoid allowing relationships to get to a point where the partner is superfluous and he is working through his own inner demons through that person. He will learn about himself through relationships, and not always like what he sees. He meets himself (Most definitely a darker side, or "inner demons" but not in an emo way.) through his relationships, and it will be critical he will recognize it's himself and not project it onto his partner. Letting go of a relationship can be hard for him to do. Definitely "If I can't have you no one can." type of possessive...Definitely not a yandere but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if he has the potential. He'd undoubtedly need someone who can both give up control, but also put their foot down. Someone who can easily notice the beginnings of manipulation and snuff them out in a tactful way. Someone strong mentally, to not let them get to them. Essentially someone who can stop the cycle. He needs someone with strong feelings, but definitely not with the same intensity as his own, not in a way that they don't love as strongly, but rather that they're not intense and controlling and manipulating. He needs someone who can balance him out and is much more mellow in their love. Someone who can put up with possessiveness to an extent, but won't let it grow worse or become a habit, or even grow too extreme. Essentially he'd need someone who could put their foot down while still being mellow and being able to put up with it in small dosages and not often.

Aries Mars

Impulsive This is an extremely impulsive placement. The first instinct of people with Aries Mars is to take action. Quick flare-ups are common, but they don't usually last long. In fact, these people don't live in the past and don't have lingering resentment or grudges. Generally, their anger comes quickly and they deal with it just as fast, so there's little room for festering. When Aries mars people listen to their instincts they get things done and make fast and usually decent decisions. They don't stop and smell the roses, or consider other's points of view when they are deliberating over what to do next. In fact, it can barely be called deliberation with Aries Mars because it's so quick. Spontaneity is one of their assets, along with simplicity, purity of action, and innovation. He'd definitely need someone with a temper not as quick as his. Someone who can put up with these flare-ups and think rationally, and help him cool down. But because he's prone to letting things go, he'd definitely end up finding himself with a partner who keeps his grudges FOR him. Kind of like that meme that's like "Okay, I hate him too now, because you're too nice and you don't know how to hate anyone right.". He'd also need someone who's more rational and takes time to think logically. Someone who can balance out his impulsiveness, and maybe even teach him to be more patient and to think things through more. Though additionally, he could also go well with someone who's just as impulsive, though I see that quickly spiraling out of control.

Thrill Aries Mars are often a step ahead. A life that grows predictable quickly makes them extremely antsy. Aries Mars people enjoy starting fresh. New ideas, pioneering action, and fresh projects make them happiest. They also enjoy challenges. Relationships with Mars Aries can be exciting, but difficult to keep up with. They aren't known to stick things through, and are generally given to impulsivity. Although their physical energy is great, they can lose their initial enthusiasm quickly. They're also irritated if others are indirect, they expect others to say things straight up without beating around the bush. They easily become impatient with convoluted plans, or with people they consider to be slow to action. Most people with this placement also happen to have a childlike quality to them. Sometimes they're downright rude and impatient, but you'll always know what they're after. Unless Mars is afflicted in the chart, you can also pretty much trust that they don't have hidden agendas. He'd need someone who's exciting, and can keep him interested. Someone who is straightforward and has many layers, so they're always bringing something new to the table. He'd also love a chase, so he'd want someone who plays hard to get, but not too hard to get to where he grows bored of them. He needs someone fun, who can always keep him interested in them.

Love Love affairs are passionate and intense, downright filthy even, and showcase the darker side of both his nature and passion. He has a good sense of organization and is frank and sincere. He is full of dynamism and energy, and he also loves life, so he takes all it has to offer. He's inclined towards sports and the outdoor life, and e is successful professionally and emotionally. He may have many children or projects and ventures. (If he can actually commit. My man was set up for failure by this birth chart oh me oh my...) He is honest and forthright in his relationships, however detached, whether they're romantic or platonic, and he tends to trust others readily. He can be a bit careless about spending money, however, and this is probably because he is so optimistic that there will always be plenty around. The possibility of failure does not enter his mind, although success itself is not as important to him as enjoyment and happiness are. He can be pleasantly competitive and good-humored. He'd need someone who can match his passion and intensity when it comes to love and can indulge his darker desires. He'd need someone who's not necessarily as sporty and outdoorsy as he is, but at least keep him company or try for the sake of him to indulge him sometimes. He'd definitely need someone who is as driven as he is and could help him with his success. He'd need someone as honest and trusting as he is and someone who can actually earn his honesty and trust even if he has a tendency to give it to the unworthy. He'd also need someone to help him with his money management, who's more frugal or at least conscious of their spending, and has a plan and nice savings for the both of them. Again, he needs a realist and/or pessimist by his side. He'd also need someone with humor as well, and I can see him with someone competitive in a more playful way, who wouldn't just let him win but would definitely not play as hard if he was having a bad day.

Taurus Jupiter

Fortune He is patient, generous but discriminating, and charitable, so he receives good fortune from it. He should watch for over-indulgence, and he delights in sensual pleasures and wants the good life. He is serious, patient, honest, hard-working, and orderly. His judgment is good and he is inclined to think things over, and he also pursues his objectives to the bitter end, usually knowing when to choose the right moment. He is upright, usually law-abiding, and respects order. He is easily influenced, and he is a dreamer, perhaps allowing himself to be seduced by others' words which are not always sincere, or by a new imagined plan that may not happen. He does not see wickedness right away, preferring to give the benefit of the doubt, but can often be duped by others due to a philosophy that one should trust in people until they prove themselves untrustworthy. He could meet a partner much wealthier than himself. He also has good sexual understanding. Honestly, he'd need someone to keep him from over-indulging too much. He'd also need someone more pessimistic or realistic like I previously said, do balance out his over trusting and just generally way too optimistic nature. Someone who'd pull a "You're stupid, this is stupid, why are you being stupid." card, essentially.

Less relevant placements

Aquarius Uranus & Neptune May get over-excited at the start of a task that interests him. At times, his debonair personality can give others a banal impression. Generous, especially enjoys resolving problems in order to satisfy everyone.

Sagittarius Pluto, Capricorn Black Moon Lilith, & Leo North Node Sexuality and love are idealized. He may have felt wrong for his desire to excel, succeed, or reach for worldly goals and ambitions, and he may feel uncomfortable around people who seem materialistic, status-conscious, or particularly business-minded and practical or ambitious. It can be hard to connect with his own ambitions and need for approval, but going there and allowing himself to feel these needs can be life-changing. He can be a friend to many but may stumble a little when things get too personal. His path is to embrace his individuality and to allow himself to be the center of attention or to strike out on a unique creative path. He is learning to be more personal and less intellectual when expressing his feelings. Qualities to develop: Intimacy, sharing, self-expression. He needs someone who can match or at least egg on his excitement and enthusiasm. He needs someone who isn't too materialistic, worried about their image, or business-minded. He also needs someone who can urge him on and support him to reach his goals and ambitions, and essentially assure him it's alright to be ambitious. He needs someone who can help him embrace his individuality and can help him prioritize himself and chase his dreams. He needs someone who can help him with his intimacy, sharing, and self-expression. He also needs a personal hypeman/hypewoman.

Overview

Now, we've got the overview of how all these combine into one big thing. Hyunjin, with his Sun in Pisces, has a gentle and compassionate nature that is most definitely captivating. He is a dreamer, a romantic at heart, and finds solace in the depths of emotional connection. With his Moon in Virgo, he brings a sense of practicality and analytical thinking into his relationships, seeking stability and reliability in his chosen partner.

Mercury, also in Pisces, enhances his communication skills, imbuing his words with sensitivity and empathy. This allows him to effortlessly express his emotions and connect on a profound level. Venus, the planet of love, causes him to have a tender heart, overflowing with unconditional love and a deep desire to merge souls.

Mars in Aries infuses his relationships with passion and a fiery spirit. He approaches love with an enthusiastic and adventurous energy, always ready to take the lead and pursue his desires fearlessly. Jupiter in Taurus blesses him with a steadfast and loyal nature, fostering a deep sense of commitment and devotion in his romantic partnerships.

Saturn, also in Taurus, gives him a sense of responsibility and maturity when it comes to relationships. He values stability and long-term commitment and may take relationships seriously, sometimes even placing an emphasis on traditional values. Uranus in Aquarius adds an element of unpredictability and open-mindedness to his approach to love, encouraging him to embrace unconventional connections and explore new horizons.

Neptune, also in Aquarius, amplifies his intuitive and empathic abilities, allowing him to deeply understand the emotional needs of his partner. He possesses a unique ability to connect with the collective consciousness, bringing a sense of shared purpose and spiritual growth to his relationships. Pluto in Sagittarius (Retrograde) suggests that he may have experienced transformative lessons in previous relationships, leading to a profound evolution of his understanding of love and relationships.

Lilith in Capricorn reveals a strong sense of independence and a desire for success in his romantic endeavors. He may be drawn to ambitious partners, and he is not afraid to take charge and assert his needs and desires. The North Node in Leo guides him towards embracing his authentic self and expressing his creativity and passion within relationships.

However, with the Sun in Pisces, his dreamy and imaginative nature may sometimes lead him to be indecisive and hesitant when it comes to committing fully to a relationship. His idealistic nature can make it challenging for him to settle down, as he may have a tendency to seek the perfect partner or an idyllic romantic experience.

The influence of Virgo Moon brings forth his perfectionist traits, as he may have high standards and expectations for both himself and his partner. This meticulous nature can sometimes make it difficult for him to find satisfaction, as he may be overly critical or nitpicky. However, it also means that he appreciates attention to detail and values a partner who shares his desire for excellence.

Mercury and Venus in Pisces contribute to his sensitive and empathic nature, which can sometimes make him more susceptible to boredom. He craves deep emotional connections and may become disinterested if a relationship lacks depth or meaningful communication. However, his compassionate heart also makes him capable of understanding and adapting to the needs of his partner, bringing a sense of harmony and emotional connection.

Mars in Aries fuels his passionate and adventurous spirit, but it may also contribute to moments of restlessness and a desire for excitement. He may seek novelty and stimulation within relationships, which can sometimes manifest as a tendency to become easily bored. However, this energy also infuses his relationships with passion and a willingness to pursue his desires, adding a spark of adventure and intensity.

Pluto in Sagittarius (Retrograde) may bring forth occasional possessive or manipulative tendencies. He needs to recognize and transform these patterns, using the transformative energy of Pluto to evolve and grow in his relationships. Awareness and self-reflection can help him channel the energy of Pluto in a positive and empowering way.

Generally, Hyunjin's yearning for perfection, combined with him not even knowing what he finds to be perfect, his Aries Mars, and his tendency to come up with idealized versions of his partners in his head, plus all the non-committal energies of his placements, he may be prone to cheating. While he IS extremely loyal when he's genuinely committed, the opposite is true when he's not. And because he'll often lie to avoid heartbreak, he'd rather cheat than break the heart of the person he's with by dumping them.

Wwith his Sun in Pisces, he yearns for a partner who possesses a soul as deep and boundless as the ocean itself. His ideal type understands and appreciates the beauty of the unseen, the ethereal, and the mystical. A kindred spirit who has just as big of an imagination as him.

With his Moon in Virgo, he seeks a partner who embodies practicality and a grounded nature. Someone who can balance his dreamy tendencies with a touch of pragmatism, offering a stable and reliable presence in his life. An individual who can appreciate his attention to detail and share his quest for perfection, creating a sense of harmony in their shared endeavors.

Mercury and Venus in Pisces guide him towards a partner who possesses a gentle and compassionate heart, capable of understanding the depths of his emotions and communicating with empathy and sensitivity. He longs for someone who can engage in profound conversations, exchanging heartfelt thoughts and sharing in the wonders of the intangible.

Mars in Aries ignites his passion and adventurous spirit, leading him to seek a partner who can match his fiery energy. He desires someone who can stand by his side as an equal, inspiring him to pursue his dreams fearlessly. A partner who embraces spontaneity, encourages him to explore new horizons, and fuels the flames of his desires with their own zest for life.

Jupiter in Taurus blesses him with a longing for a partner who embodies stability and loyalty. He seeks someone who values commitment and is willing to build a solid foundation in their relationship. A partner who can appreciate the simple pleasures in life, enjoying shared moments of comfort, and relishing in the beauty of a love that grows stronger with time.

While his non-committal tendencies may surface at times, his ideal type can understand his need for freedom and independence. A partner who allows him the space to explore his individuality, while also being an unwavering presence of support and encouragement. His ideal partner would be one who can provide a safe and nurturing space for him to explore his depths, while also encouraging him to transform any possessive or manipulative patterns into healthier expressions of love and connection.

With his Sun in Pisces, craves a deep emotional connection that transcends the superficial aspects of life. He needs a partner who can understand and embrace the complexities of his sensitive and intuitive nature. A kindred spirit who can dive into the depths of his emotions with compassion and empathy, providing a safe haven for him to express his vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or rejection.

With his Moon in Virgo, he requires a partner who can offer stability and practicality in their relationship. Someone who can anchor him when his emotions become overwhelming, providing a grounded presence that helps him find balance. A partner who can support him in translating his dreams and aspirations into tangible realities, offering guidance and assistance in manifesting his visions into the material world.

Mercury and Venus in Pisces guide him towards a partner who can communicate with kindness and sensitivity. He needs someone who can listen attentively to his thoughts and feelings, offering a non-judgmental space where he can express himself freely. The ideal partner would possess the ability to intuitively understand his unspoken words, creating a deep sense of emotional connection through their shared understanding.

Mars in Aries fuels his desire for passion and adventure, and thus he needs a partner who can match his fiery spirit. He seeks someone who can join him on thrilling escapades and embrace the exhilaration of life's challenges. A partner who can encourage him to step out of his comfort zone and explore new horizons, igniting a spark of inspiration and keeping the flame of passion burning bright.

Jupiter in Taurus blesses him with a need for stability and loyalty in his relationships. He requires a partner who is committed and steadfast, someone he can rely on through thick and thin. A partner who can provide a sense of security and consistency, assuring him that they are in it for the long haul.

While his non-committal tendencies may arise from time to time, he needs a partner who can navigate the delicate balance between giving him the freedom he craves and providing a strong and unwavering presence. A partner who can understand his need for independence without feeling threatened, fostering an environment of trust and security.

As for the more intense aspects, it is essential to recognize that personal growth and self-awareness are pivotal in addressing any possessive or manipulative tendencies. He needs a partner who can support him on his journey of self-discovery, encouraging him to confront and transform these aspects of himself. A partner who can provide a safe space for open and honest communication, helping him navigate the depths of his own psyche with compassion and understanding.

With his Sun in Pisces, he seeks a partner who embodies a captivating beauty that transcends the boundaries of the tangible world. He is drawn to individuals with an ethereal allure, possessing a certain grace and enchantment that sets them apart from the ordinary. Their presence should evoke a sense of mystery and intrigue, leaving him captivated by their enigmatic charm.

His Moon in Virgo guides him towards a partner who exudes an understated elegance and natural beauty. He appreciates simplicity and prefers a partner who embraces a more modest and refined sense of style. Neatness and attention to personal grooming are qualities that catch his discerning eye, as he values a partner who takes pride in their appearance while maintaining a down-to-earth demeanor.

Mercury and Venus in Pisces fuel his attraction to partners who possess a delicate and dreamy aura. He is drawn to soft features, such as gentle eyes and a serene smile, which reflect their kind and compassionate nature. Their voice should carry a soothing cadence, like a melodic lullaby that resonates deep within his soul.

Mars in Aries ignites his passion and desire for partners who exude confidence and vitality. He is enchanted by individuals who possess a vibrant energy and a magnetic presence. Strength and athleticism may catch his attention, as he admires partners who are physically active and embrace a zest for life. Their physicality should complement his own, encouraging him to embark on thrilling adventures together.

Jupiter in Taurus blesses him with an appreciation for partners who radiate natural beauty and possess a touch of sensuality. He is drawn to individuals with earthy and harmonious features, like soft curves or strong, grounded physiques. Their touch should evoke a sense of comfort and pleasure, as he seeks a partner who can ignite his senses and create a deep physical connection.

While physical appearance may initially capture his attention, it is important to note that his desires extend beyond the surface. He values authenticity, kindness, and a genuine soul connection above all else. His ideal partner transcends physical aesthetics, as he seeks a deep emotional and spiritual bond that enriches their journey together.

[sidekick-hero]

I want you to want me

(Teen | wc: 922 | steddie | prompt: open mic night for @steddieholidaydrabbles | tags: exes, open but hopeful ending, inspired by my favorite movie of all times 10 things I hate about you)

"Come on, Eddie. You've been moping around for weeks. Let's have some fun like we used to, man." Gareth was practically whining at Eddie and it was getting on his nerves.

"No way, man. I'm not moping, I just don't feel like going to some dumb-ass party to watch preppy jerks get drunk and barf in the bushes."

Never mind that the one person he actually wants to see won't be there. He'll still spend every second looking for that familiar shock of hair he loved running his hands through. He dreams about it still, can still hear the way Steve sounded when he tugged at the strands at the back of his neck.

He wonders when it'll stop hurting so much to think about him. To miss him like a fucking limb or something and still be afraid to even call him. What could he even say? I'm sorry for breaking your heart and I understand you hate me. The problem is that while acting like I cared about you for money I actually went and fell in love with you, so will you please give me another chance.

Yeah, sure.

"You're not even listening, dude. Harrington has really gotten to you," Gareth huffs, sounding genuinely upset. Eddie has hurt enough people he cares about, so he gives Gareth a look that says ‘I’m listening’ and Gareth rolls his eyes at him, but continues. "I told you about the open mic night, Will's reading one of his short stories and asked me to come. Me. This could be my chance. And you owe me man for all the crazy shit I helped you with while courting a jock of all people. So you coming or what?"

Gareth’s right, is the thing. Eddie owes him for everything, helping him in so many ways to make Steve fall for him. Coming with him to this stupid thing is the least he can do. He doesn’t have to like it though, so Eddie throws his arms up in the universal gesture of ‘fine, whatever, but I'm not going to enjoy watching you make goo-goo eyes at Will Byers’.

Gareth's rubs his hands together like some sort of super-villain with extremely fluffy hair and Eddie regrets all his life choices.

Open mic night is just as awful as Eddie thought it would be. There's this girl, something silly Thompson, and Eddie feels like he's listening to a small animal giving birth as she sings the national anthem. It's deeply disturbing.

He lost Gareth as soon as they entered the bar and Will spotted them and waved Gareth over. And that's a good thing, he's really not in the mood to watch them fall over each other.

They've been in this hellhole for almost an hour when he spots something that makes his stomach do somersaults while his skin starts to tingle all over. A shock of mousy brown hair, messier than usual, probably from Steve running his hands through it nervously.

His breath stops as he sees Steve climbing onto the stage with a single sheet of paper in his hand, chewing on his full lower lip as he stares out at the crowd. Eddie wants his eyes to find his. He is afraid that they will.

"Hey, uh, everybody. My best friend thinks I need to find some closure? Or something. Maybe she just likes to see me suffer for being an asshole in school. Anyway, I, uh, I'm just starting, I guess."

Eddie's stomach plummets at Steve's words. Closure. He should leave before he has to listen to Steve tell him and everyone in this room how much he hates Eddie.

He's not sure if he'll survive the damage to his heart, but he deserves the pain, he knows it. So he stays.

To everyone else, Steve must look calm, maybe a little embarrassed to be up there. But Eddie sees the way the hand holding the paper trembles, the way his eyebrows knit together, and the self-soothing way the fingertips of his other hand keep tapping his thumb.

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick, It even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Halfway through, Steve's eyes find his, and even with the way Steve pinches his nose, there is no way to stop the tears from streaming down his face. Eddie's heart breaks again for the man in front of him. God, how could he have been so stupid and selfish to accept an offer from Carver, of all people, to woo Steve so he could make a move on his sister Chrissy?

When Steve’s finished, he almost runs off the stage and out the door while Eddie stands shocked, Steve's words ringing in his ears.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Maybe they still have a chance.

[mortal-sarah]

An AU that’s lived in my brain for a long time now and that is very near and dear to my heart is Nie Huaisang as Queen Amidala (from Star Wars) and Meng Yao as a handmaiden (Sabé to be more specific).

The ‘Queen who has similar-looking decoys to her that are always around her not only to attend to her but to protect her and take her place in moments of danger’ concept is a god-tier one and I think it works so well for Huaisang and Meng Yao and it leads to an interesting new angle for Meng Yao’s becoming Jin Guangyao arc.

Like there’s so many possibilities! Maybe everything in canon is the same but Huaisang has these handmaidens and instead of becoming Mingjue’s right-hand Meng Yao is recruited to become a handmaiden because he looks so similar to Huaisang.

Maybe it’s a totally different universe and Huaisang has more power and therefore needs more protection. Maybe it takes place in a Star Wars au?

Maybe Meng Yao’s desire for power is not only fueled by the desire to be above those who would seek to hurt him but also because he’s tired of being in Huaisang’s shadow. By taking over for Huaisang in moments of danger he has proved he can do this job even better than his useless young master can. And he has noble blood in his veins, why shouldn’t he be in charge of a sect, why shouldn’t he have that power? Maybe he meets and falls in love with Lan Xichen but he can’t be with him because of his full-time job protecting Huaisang. Maybe he loves both Xichen and Huaisang at different times in different ways.

Maybe it’s a SangYao story where Meng Yao is deeply devoted to Huaisang and always worried about him and Huaisang is so content to just have Meng Yao by his side always and wants to protect and take care of him just as much.

Maybe Huaisang uses his disguises and decoys to meddle in politics. Maybe he plays the helpless queen or prince in public but in reality his handmaidens and him are an elite team bringing about change behind the scenes.

Maybe Huaisang suffers over the fact that he must hide himself constantly. That no one knows the real him. That any one of his handmaidens could be put in front of someone and they would never notice that it wasn’t really him. How does that affect his love life? Is someone like Jiang Cheng able to see through his disguises to the real him?

What about Mingjue and Zonghui? Are they in charge of Huaisang’s elite squad of protectors. Do they train and hand select the handmaidens? Was Meng Yao the first? Did he and Huaisang and Mingjue create this role, this idea together? Or was he drafted in later?

What does basically being the same person do to Huaisang and Meng Yao’s relationship? How dependent do they become on each other? How do they feel about falling into each other’s shadows when one of them must play the role of the queen or prince or young master? Do they make a great team? Is there resentment? Are they so close they can sense what the other is feeling?

Plus there’s the costumes! Huaisang in those extravagant gowns and that beautiful face paint! Meng Yao in those same gowns and paints!Putting each other’s hair into the elaborate styles. Doing each other’s makeup and face paint. The tenderness of taking the other’s hair out of its pins and braids and clasps, of washing off the makeup.

There’s so much that can be done with this au and I adore it with my whole heart!

Please imagine it with me:

[dude-wheres-my-ankheg]

Abdirak - A Contradiction In Faith (Link to AO3)

Word count: 3.2k

Characters: Abdirak, Loviatar

Summary: An essay exploring how Abdirak's behaviour and beliefs tie into the overarching Loviatan faith.

Tags: Essays, Meta, Nonfiction, Analysis, Character Analysis, Character Study

Find my fic master list here.

Because I've heard a lot of people prefer to read meta on Tumblr, full essay is under the cut:

Start Notes

This essay is not meant to diminish or debunk anyone's thoughts, opinions, or headcanons about Abdirak's character. It is simply an exploration of my own findings and a discussion about the lore surrounding him. I fully love and support everyone's own interpretations of the character. However, my own reading of Abdirak is extremely personal to me and the reason why he has resonated with me so strongly. As such, I wanted to explore more about his character and the discussions about him both in and out of the game, and give some context to where my own personal reading of him came from.

Worth noting that I am not an authority on anything, just some guy with an obsession and some books.

Introduction

Abdirak was for many the highlight of the Goblin Camp, despite being a brief flash-in-the-pan of an NPC with a single scene and a potential gameplay buff. So how does such a character captivate the hearts and imaginations of so many? The obvious answer is that he is sexy, dangerous, and fun, and provides the opportunity for some cheeky companion banter. However there is more to him than meets the eye, especially for those who know a little about Loviatar and her worshippers.

Right from the start, Abdirak is a man of contradictions. Charming yet blood soaked. Enticing and yet promising pain. Offering healing through harm. But as we dig deeper, we can see just how deep the contradictions truly go.

A (Very) Brief Look At Traditional Loviatan Beliefs

Traditional Loviatan tenets are fairly clear cut when examining the lore. For all of my research, I have been unable to find any reference to healing through pain as Abdirak claims to.

Loviatar desires pain and suffering through any and all means, including psychological torture and manipulation, seduction and heartbreak. Their goals are to spread discontent and misery. Loviatans are characterised as being cruel and manipulative, often using winning peoples' trust and breaking it as a way to hurt them.

The only reference to healing I have found exists in the following passage from a speech given to those new to the faith:

"Let mercy of sudden abstinence from causing pain and of providing unlooked-for healing come over you seldom, but at a whim so as to make folk hope and increase the Mystery of Loviatar's Mercy. Unswerving cruelty will turn all folk against you." [1]

Here, we see healing used as a manipulation and a break from pain, not a result of the pain. It is simply a trick to convince people to fall more deeply into the devout's clutches. If we trust the lore books, all Loviatans should be gleefully spreading misery. Which would make sense - Loviatar is an evil god with evil followers who thrives on misery and suffering. She likes to be feared and charges her followers with spreading that fear [1].

Abdirak

Enter Abdirak. A charming, handsome, lightly blood splattered man who claims he simply wishes to help the player character. He explains his faith and how he believes that his work is beneficial to those around him and not only his goddess. With what we know about Loviatans, surely this is an act? Loviatans make it their life's work to twist and trick people into harm. A quick encounter within a Goblin Camp may not seem like much of a chance to win a heart and shatter it, but certainly enough to lie about the health benefits of being smacked with a mace.

There are, however, little things about him that are off.

For one thing, he was invited to the Goblin Camp to torture Liam, a task which he is not performing. In fact, he seemed disgusted with the thought of it - pain should be, as Abdirak himself says, an "intimate and loving thing." That doesn't sound particularly in-keeping with the traditional Loviatan beliefs, and neither does passing up the opportunity to torture a man.

Another contradiction is how Abdirak is insistent that those receiving the penance be well enough to do so. While Loviatans may not want broken bones or severe injuries themselves—as such hinders their duties and their worship—what would it matter if a stranger was injured during the course of a penance? Yet Abdirak is insistent. Only those well enough may receive his "gifts" and those who lose too much health during the penance will immediately see it stopped.

Then of course, there is simply the way he is. The way he speaks. The care and consideration in his words. Of course, this could all be a part of his act - a smooth and clever manipulation. A very convincing one at that. However, there are reasons to believe otherwise.

The Contradiction

The idea that Abdirak is simply a smooth manipulator is somewhat thwarted by several factors. For one, an argument can be made about his behaviour as above. For another, the developer's notes within the game files and the comments and context added by Rachel Quirke (Abdirak's writer) and Declan Perring (Abdirak's voice actor) paint a very different picture of his motives to that of a cruel and selfish manipulation.

Let us address the character's actions within the game first, as these are easiest to dismiss. Abdirak does his best to convince the player character to undergo the penance, but makes no move to force them. In fact, beyond his simple pitch—this is good for you, it will help you—he does not push. He doesn't try to find new ways to tempt the player and does not try to twist his arguments to entice. He lets the offer stand on its own merit rather than overly pushing the issue and trying to convince the player character. Of course, this could be attributed to him not wanting to cause trouble for himself. It gets more interesting when we look deeper into the game meta.

One of the most noticeable things about the acting direction given within the dialogue game files is the repeated use of the word "sincere." It is applied to Abdirak himself, to his beliefs, to his words. It is used over and over to describe this man and his desire to help the player.

"This is a sincere and genuine offer, He believes in what he is doing and that it will, ultimately, help the player." [2]

"It is a sincere and genuine offer, he believes it will help." [2]

"He's looking the player in the eyes and is concerned - he can see the player has been hurt (emotionally) and is worried. This is sincere." [2]

"Player has told him to bugger off, basically. Abdirak assumes the player is embarassed [sic], he is sincere - he has seen pain in the player's eyes and wishes to comfort him." [2]

"He believes that the beating he is about to offer will genuinely help. Sincere." [2]

"Explaining about his goddes [sic] Loviatar. Sincere. Believes pain is a beautiful thing." [2]

"The priest should look very sincere in this scene. He genuinely thinks he's helping you." [2]

This sentiment is further echoed by his writer, Rachel Quirke, who has also commented directly on his sincerity in online discussions with fans. [3]

In addition to these notes and comments, the following quote is from Declan Perring, the voice actor who brings Abdirak to life, and is a section of the acting direction notes he was given prior to recording Abdirak's voice lines. It goes: "He sincerely believes in what he is doing and that each offering of pain to the Goddess lessens his own pain and that of others." [4] This is a fascinating quote which gives us huge insight into Abdirak's thoughts and far more questions than answers. It is in direct contradiction with the tenets of Loviatan faith, as discussed above, where pain and suffering are shared for the sake of pain and suffering alone. When Abdirak tells us that he wishes to alleviate the player character's pain, he means it. It seems to remove the potential for Abdirak's prior mentioned sincerity to simply be very good acting.

Unlike what the lore relating to Loviatans would have us believe, Abdirak is not lying or twisting his words. He is not concealing ulterior motives. In his mind, he is a healer of sorts. His believes that his desire to worship the Lady of Pain aligns with his desire to help people - and believes that he is succeeding.

There are other small things as well that Abdirak says in his short time with the player character which seem out of place for a Pain of Loviatar. For one, he implies that he does not like to kill. Traditionally, Loviatans do not seem to have many qualms about such, and have frequently been involved in warfare. [1] In addition to this, as mentioned above, Loviatar wants to be feared by the world. Abdirak however preaches about her loving embrace and wants the player character to trust him and seemingly by extension her. Even after the penance, Abdirak makes no move to make the player character concerned, even if they were not deemed worthy of the blessing.

Implications

Abdirak's seemingly unique outlook on Loviatar worship certainly raises some questions, and gives us several potential routes to explore when we consider his relationship to his religion and how it ties into mainstream Loviatar worship.

Is Abdirak some delusional outlier, espousing a false version of his own god's creed? This seems unlikely. Abdirak claims to be in communication with Loviatar, supported by the fact that he is capable of personally handing out her blessings. She seems to approve of his strange methods - is this simply because he is so effective? Loviatar's focus tends to be upon the suffering itself. Abdirak's methods and unique outlook could be tolerable to her simply due to his enthusiasm and success in providing pain and suffering to her, even if he's doing some therapy on the side.

Another potential explanation is that he is part of a smaller sect of Loviatan worshippers, whose values differ slightly to those of the main church. This explanation is without any lore foundation, but it is certainly interesting to think about. Both real life and the Forgotten Realms have examples of religions with disagreeing or even rival branches, so it is not a stretch to believe that a sect of Loviatans could exist who believe their abilities to inflict pain also bestow healing of sort. Though again, this is not supported by any other suggestions within the game or external lore that I have found, but definitely opens some fun headcanon potential.

Another possible reason for Abdirak to be the way that he is is that the church has simply moved on and evolved, much like the modernising of real life religions. Again, this hypothesis is without basis and pure speculation.

There is also the possibility that Abdirak is a model Loviatan, simply following dogma to the letter of the law. Does Abdirak believe his crueller tendencies should be reserved for those who would do harm against him rather than run-of-the-mill penitents? The Loviatan teachings do note striking against "those who offend." [1] This still does not account for the fact that healing through pain is not mentioned in any part of Loviatan dogma I have found. While it does state that they can share their gifts to "those who enjoy them" [1], there is no mention of the health and well-being benefits of the process for the receiver. This appears to be a belief that Abdirak himself has adopted - could this be due to his own experiences? The developer notes imply that the Loviatan practices helped Abdirak deal with his own trauma: "Player has asked how he knew something terrible had happened them. Abdirak sadly replies. He is think [sic] of his own traumatic past, which ultimately led him to turn to Loviatar as a way coping with the trauma." [2] Loviatan dogma states that pain brings pleasure and power, but makes no mention of healing or mental well-being. It is presented as a traditionally evil form of worship, one that centres around hedonistic desires and the pursuit of power [1]. As such, this particularly theory feels very difficult to marry with the existing lore.

A final explanation could be based upon Loviatar's own interpretation of Abdirak's actions. Reference texts tell us that "Her understanding of humanity, for example, relied on the fundamental assumption that they were innately selfish. Truly heroic or self-sacrificing behaviour could untangle her carefully woven plots." [1] Could this suggest that she tolerates Abdirak's methods because she simply does not understand them? Abdirak is a loyal and enthusiastic follower and, as discussed above, perhaps that is enough. Could Loviatar be unable to comprehend that Abdirak's methods are anything other than selfish, that his talk of healing is not simply lies? It's certainly a fun thought that such a large misinterpretation could occur between a god and their follower, especially one that appears to hold a well regarded position within the church.

Notes on Abdirak's Character

"Pain is pain, dear one. It is above 'good' and 'evil'." [2]

These are words spoken by Abdirak, and they are accompanied by the following notes in the game files: "Player has told him that his goddess is evil and that he wants to [sic, presumably should be 'no'] part in this practice. His [Abdirak's] argument about pain is sincere, he sees it as neither good nor evil, simply as proof that we are alive - and that is worth worshipping and experiencing." [2]

Alignment is an important concept within the realms of D&D. While the game rules have moved away from such previously rigid structures, its influence remains thickly throughout the world of Toril.

As previously discussed, Loviatar is an evil god. Traditionally, Loviatan priests could only be one of the three evil alignments, with Pains further limited to Lawful Evil. [1] Evil alignments, particularly Lawful and Neutral, are characterised by a selfishness that comes at the cost of others [5], which does not seem to align (ha) with what we know of Abdirak so far.

That is not to say that the case for either of these alignments could not be made—they certainly could, especially with how little of Abdirak we see. However, the sincerity and care shown by Abdirak lack the selfishness that one would expect to undertone an evil character, as evidenced by the developer notes that go with his dialogue.

Could Abdirak be more easily ascribed to a Lawful Neutral alignment? While it would certainly be a stretch for a follower of Loviatar to be Lawful Good in character, Abdirak displays a certain amount of selflessness and desire to aid others. A Neutral alignment would support his beliefs about pain and allow him the freedom to practice his faith (in his own special way) while still maintaining that streak of altruism he seems to bear.

Could Abdirak represent an evolution of Loviatar worshippers? Rigid class restrictions have changed over the years - after all, there was a time when druids were limited to True Neutral only [6]. Or is Abdirak simply a law unto himself, a complete outlier in the ranks of the church?

Another interesting point of Abdirak's character is his belief that pain is intimate and loving. As stated in the sourcebook:"Loviatar teaches that the world is filled with pain and torment, and the best that one can do is to suffer the blows that cannot be avoided and deal as much pain back to those who offend." [1] This seems to contradict Abdirak's belief that pain is a gift and should be applied with love and care, an act of healing the mind with pain to the body. This opens two possibilities. That Abdirak is simply lying to the player when he says that pain is only loving. The developer notes say that Abdirak is sincere in his desire to help the player character and in his belief that his methods are beneficial, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he reserves that care for everyone. While this might bring into question why he refuses to torture Liam or push the goblins beyond their limits, it could be attributed to a personal code of who he deems worthy of uncaring hurt. That quote could be interpreted as saying that the usual care and consideration should not be applied to those who attempt to harm the priest themselves. This could point to an explanation for Abdirak's behaviours and beliefs, and hint at a far more dangerous side to Abdirak that we do not get the chance to see in game.

Even with the developer notes and the lorebook sources, Abdirak's character requires close inspection and dissection, and still there is no clear truth to his overall life philosophy, leaving the door open of a myriad of fan interpretations and characterisations, and giving Abdirak fans a wealth of opportunity to explore.

Conclusions

Abdirak's contradictions and the way he subverts expectations based upon his faith make him an incredibly intriguing character, in a way he would not have been if he had been written as a classic Loviatan. The subtle and clever writing paired with an outstanding acting performance elevate this five minute character from a single scene of laughs and titillation to an enigma with the potential to stay in the player's thoughts far longer than he has any right to.

As anyone who has known me before this long and convoluted (and absolutely not exhaustive) ramble will be aware, Abdirak has captivated me since I first encountered him. Now this isn't to say that I don't love a sexy villain, because that would be a lie, but without these layers within Abdirak—the subversion of expectations that come with him as a Loviatan—he would not be as compelling, and certainly would not have grabbed my imagination in the way that he has done. The twist that Abdirak, this creepy and unsettling devout of pain itself, is one of only two characters in the whole of Act 1 to help the player character without want of anything in return, who does so only out of their desire to aid another, not only turns perceptions of him on their head but also of the other NPCs within the act.

With this apparent mismatch of Abdirak's motives with known Loviatan scripture, what could have been a one-note gimmick character becomes something far deeper and interesting to those who know the lore behind the deity. A subtle nod to those aware of the world they are playing in and something that has made the character absolutely captivating to me.

And on that note, I leave you with my favourite dev note of them all:

Abdirak: Yes - I must try this technique. Or perhaps this one… Hand on chin, considering the book before him. Pain Priest is reading his open book. He is reading a book on pain and torture techniques, musing out loud which to try, like someone reading a book on cupcake recipes and wondering whether to try buttercream or sugar icing next. [2]

References

(1) Julia Martin, Eric L. Boyd (March 1996). Faiths & Avatars. (TSR, Inc.), pp. 100–105. ISBN 978-0786903849.

(2) Baldur's Gate 3. Directed by Sven Vincke, Larian Studios, 2023. Multiplatform game. (Links to extracted dialogue and development notes can be accessed here: https://www.tumblr.com/roksik-dnd/732776567631183872?source=share)

(3) Quirke, R [@quirkiltons]. (2023, Dec 7). Oh, absolutely! Yes, Abdirak is into pain, but he's incredibly sincere about it. He'll stop if you're hurt badly and only resume once you've healed up. The scripter and I wanted to reward people who tried it, not punish them (that's Abdirak's job 😜) [Tweet]. Twitter. https://twitter.com/quirkiltons/status/1732734892981600479

(4) Streamily. (2024, Jun 27). Streamily.com Presents: Declan Perring THE Abdirak [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/live/TsIxFkLQp9Y.

(5) Jeremy Crawford (August 2014). Player’s Handbook. (Wizards of the Coast), pp. 122. ISBN 978-0-7869-6560-1.

(6) Ed Stark (August 2000). Player's Handbook 3rd edition. (Wizards of the Coast). ISBN 9780786915507.

End notes

As I could write endlessly about Abdirak, I wanted to keep this as concise and on topic as possible, focusing purely on how Abdirak relates to the overarching Loviatan church. This might be a one off or the first of a few essays exploring Abdirak's character and the Loviatan faith in general. It depends on when inspiration to actually write the damn things strikes, and whether or not people are even interested in these sorts of posts haha.

Anyway, if you read all the way to the end of my enthusiastic rambles, thank you <3 If you have any of your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, disagreements, etc, I would LOVE to hear them because I love talking about this weirdo.

[geniemillies]

Yearning For Spring | Ch. 5 | Tamlin x Oc

— Chapter 5 - Daydreams

Ch. Warnings: the usual KoH warnings

A/n: A twinge of Hybern worldbuilding mayhaps?

<<Ch.1 <<Ch.4 ___ Ch.6>>

Decades continue to pass. Then more still after I brought Velaria to Hybern.

She stayed with me though it wasn't her choice at first.. Despite all the reasons pointing for her to return home, she didn’t. She stood strong beside me, a pillar of unwavering support that kept me going when the world seemed ready to tear me apart. 

Words couldn't begin to explain how eternally grateful I am for her. Because if it wasn't for her staying I would've broke long ago.

With her insistence, I faltered and showed her everything. I realised early on that if she were to trust me I needed to be open with her and hide no secrets. So I showed her everything. I showed her the dying lands of Hybern and the territories that toiled away for the King's gain. Even going as far as taking her to the heart of my Father's Court, skillfully glamoured as my own servant, so she could see first hand the crown that controlled the island. And.. in time, I showed her the plans I'd been brewing underground. I took her to the Sidhe where centuries of my schemes accumulated, where I hid thousands of dissenters that I had supposedly captured and killed, all of them working hard to mold and shape a rebellion in my name.

A secret haven under the earth warded with magic I still don't understand to this day. Father doesn't seem to know about it's existence. The magic down there is.. erratic, seemingly ancient. While the rest of Hybern's lands are desolate and lifeless, the Sidhe is the opposite. Grass grows lushly underground and the water is pure, which is why the place is perfect for hiding the rebellion. I've long stopped questioning as to why the place is so strange and different. I've tried to search in history on the matter but I've been unsuccessful. Libraries are a rarity in Hybern and most books and tomes on history are hidden in the palace's forbidden libraries which none can enter. Not even me.

Despite the risk of trusting in magic I don't comprehend, the wards have held steadfast for centuries and many of the dark spells I've learned are weakened when used there if not entirely repelled, offering me a glimmer of hope that if my father ever discovers this sanctuary, his dark magic cannot hurt us so easily

To put it simply, it is a strange place. Nevertheless, the Sidhe is a safe haven, home to all the mercies I’ve spared, all the flaws in me that Father deeply abhorred. A second home to me besides the Lighthouse.

To say Velaria was stunned at every revelation I showed her was an understatement. As expected, she had always believed that Hybern was isolated by choice, convinced that the people of my land were pure evil, constantly scheming especially after we suffered losses in the War. It is.. a good thing that I could dispel such sinister perceptions of my people.

There was a kind of wonder in her eyes whenever I played with the children at the Lighthouse or when I showed her around the Sidhe. She told me I was.. a triumph. A flower amidst hellscape. And that I didn't deserve the life I was born into.

But she didn't pity me... I think. More often than not I see admiration in her eyes when she looks at me. 

Velaria showed me friendship like I've never experienced. I used to think I had many friends. But most of them are children who think of me as a maternal figure so Velaria deemed that they don't count, leaving me with.. less friends than I would've thought. Which is sad, sure, but Hybern isn't exactly the place to make long-lasting friends. Or any at all...

Velaria was someone I could confide in about problems greater than the occasional headache and sleeplessness I share with the children or the frustrations that come with planning military tactics with my lieutenants. She was someone I could trust to show the blight infesting my arms and the deeper burdens Father inflicts upon me.

Before her.. I never really had anyone to talk to about my troubles. My cousins, Brannagh and Dagdan, weren’t spared from Father’s ‘love’ either so one would assume they would understand what it feels like to be constantly tormented by the King. But they've grown to keep only to themselves in fear that we might read each other’s ill thoughts about him. I’d never read their thoughts lest they ask. But I understand their fears. I’ve become unmovable by Father’s side. I’ve become his most loyal pawn, his most blood-stained sword. Everyone believes so. I’ve worked hard to earn that reputation and I should be glad that I have it.

Still, I never expected it’d create such mistrust between me and my cousins that they too, would begin to fear me. That they’d think I’d ever sell their thoughts to the King in exchange for his praise. They couldn't know how often I let my gaze linger on them, searching for them in every corner of the room, desperate to ensure they were alright. Even when I was willing to take their punishments, to do anything to spare them from the wrath of the King when they did something that didn't please him, they still couldn't bring themselves to open up to me. 

I regret not attempting harder to alleviate their fears and suspicions. I should have divulged my plans and brought them into the fold of the rebellion.. But I’m ashamed to admit that I was also wary of them, that I was not spared the mistrust and fear that brewed between us daemati children. I kept my walls high and showed them only what they needed to see from me, in fear that they might find my secrets and sell me out.

By the time the rebellion was growing in number, they were already untrusting and I didn’t know how to approach them, to ask them to join me when I also couldn’t penetrate their minds. And I had no way of knowing that they wouldn't stray and betray me. I let the seeds of doubt fester too far that I deemed my only family a potential enemy. 

If I hadn't, maybe I could've protected them better. Now they're but mindless husks of their former selves, their souls beyond reach and their memories hazy and fleeting, like wisps of smoke that slip through my fingers every time I touch them. It only took one more torturous experiment to shatter them completely, for another failure on a task that Father was not happy with.

And I watched. Watched as the last spark of their souls left their bodies. What replaced it was dark magic I couldn't understand, merged into one sinister.. thing for Father to keep and shape into whatever twisted image of perfection he liked. Until they are just like him. Just as strong and cruel and… unfeeling. Obedient puppets.

Now they will not even speak to me unless necessary. They do not spare me a glance unless it's to prod into my memories. I know they're long gone at this point. Yet, my heart still aches for the days when Brannagh would reach out for my arm for support during her moments of weakness or when I would correct Dagdan's stance when we spar. Even when they push me away I cannot help but hope that there is a way to bring them back.. once this.. is all over.

And we'd all be free from him. Some day.

Velaria knows of it all. All my yearning, all my dreams and schemes. The weight of an entire country on my shoulders feels a little lighter when I share the burden with her. Velaria is the first friend I've ever made with whom I felt like I could speak freely without planning my words or worrying about keeping my mental shields up. Velaria is the first friend who made me feel like I could truly be myself without consequence, damn the masks and the glamoured hair, the titles and expectations that I long thought would be part of my existence forever.

Velaria feels like the tranquillity of a peaceful night's rest. And when she speaks about the city she's named after she's infectious with her dreams. We sit on the highest spot of the Lighthouse tower, overlooking the endless sea, our feet dangling over the edge while she tells me stories of Prythian. The more she does, the more I find myself yearning to see a glimpse of what a world like that looks like.

A world where the fog doesn't hide the light of the sun or the heaven's brilliant blue. A world where people don't live with golden shackles etched onto their wrists.. 

I long to see what living looked like. Even for just a moment..

|| Present ||

More decades passed still.

Then some more. But I never let go of the green handkerchief. It is with me now, tied around my wrist as the ashened curse continues to grow up my arm, like the roots of an ill-fated tree. The King planted it on the earth of my body and ever since.. it continued to fester. He calls upon me in his towers to this day, though not as frequently as he did when I was a child, he still does, and it still... hurts.

“Any side effects from this one?” Father asked, his voice cold and detached as I knelt on the cold stone floor, limp and tired, my vision blurred, pipes filled with bright liquid attached to my skin.

I shake my head, swallowing the lump in my throat as I gather my voice to speak. “It stings around the fingertips... I feel the power... crawling up my arm..” And it was. It was festering more and more and all he did was observe it like a child observing a toy work. "It burns.."

“Has your powers improved of late?” He asks as he paces around the room, a book hovering above his palm.

“I've been... using them on soldiers in training, prying out information. As you've instructed.”

“Any anomalies?”

“No..”

Father had amplified my daemati powers to an unprecedented, almost unrecognizable degree. While I could still read minds and feel the barriers of mental shields, he had altered- no, improved my powers of the mind into something different. My control over the mind can now be invoked through touch, hence the black that's tainting my arms. A perversion. Blasphemy. The Mother would churn at the sight of what I've been made into. 

Hours, days, and years I've spent on this tower while he worked to mold my powers to suit his twisted desires. I could now invade a person's emotions, thoughts, and memories through touch - without the need to break down their mental defenses.

This power isn't limited to just living things, I soon found out. When my fingers clung and clawed the stone-cold floor, I could hear the echoing screams of those who had endured torturous experiments before me. When I touched a piece of parchment, I could hear the faint whispers of the author who had written the words upon it. My senses were assaulted by a barrage of sounds and emotions, both past and present, with just a touch. To say that it drove me insane doesn't do justice to the reality. I hear everything, feel everything– so I hid the black that tainted my arms with gloves, only letting them disintegrate when I have need for my bare hands. For my own sanity.

A gift, he calls it. His gift. 

It's anything but. It’s a fucking curse.

He takes special pride in making me into what I am. He calls me a clairtangent, a.. one of a kind. His special tool. Yet, my enhanced abilities remained unstable, far from perfected. Which is why I often concealed my hands, why he continues to experiment on me, better me. I've long forgotten what my hands feel like without ancient spells forced into them. I look at them now and they're black, darker than the night sky, and infused with magic unknown to me. 

My own body is unknown to me most times. And it frightens me. More often than I’d want to admit. I’m scared of voices, of seeing things that don't belong to me. So much so that I can’t sleep because of it. They come back, the voices, my own and others, haunting me, never giving me a moment's peace. Which is why I have Manann brew me wakingdew elixir, to force my eyes open for a long time. A really.. long time.

Velaria tends to me and the wounds inflicted upon me during experimentation, away from the younger children's prying eyes. I do not wish for them to see me in such a pathetic state.. not when they look up to me.

She often tells me stories of her childhood, of her city, Velaris, the one she's named after. City of Dreams. Fitting, for someone who has many aspirations that fuel her very will to fight to see them fulfilled. She braids my hair and tells me all about the Night Court and how she wishes she could take me one day to see Starfall. I could only close my eyes and imagine what it'd look like and dream that one day... I might see it with her.

She braids my hair slowly, willing me to sleep with her stories but she already knows I do not sleep. I cannot. Not when nightmares await me on the other side of consciousness. So I sip my elixir quietly as she tells her stories, her voice proving to be just as soothing as any sleep one could take.

She tells me of Prythian, the neighboring island that I know so little of. She tells me of the Day Court, with its splendid cities and towering libraries. She tells me of the Dawn Court which she has not visited much. She said that I remind her of Dawn warriors, peregrines, with their big feathered wings, though colorful unlike mine. She tells me of the Winter Court, so bright in the morning that the light reflects the snow and blinds you. She tells me of Autumn Court, with their forests lush and orange, and in her words: “Smells like fresh afternoon rain.” She tells me of the Summer Court with its clear beaches and sandy shores. She tells me that she finds it funny that despite me living on an island, on a Lighthouse just above cliffed coasts, I do not know how to swim. And she threatens that if we ever get the chance she'd take me to Summer and throw me in the ocean to teach me how.

“Tell me about Spring..” I ask her and I feel her pause to think.

Velaria does not know that I'm mated to Tamlin. No one knows. It is the one thing I’ve kept from her. A secret that solely belongs to me.

She hums as she strokes my hair with a brush. “Spring is.. nice.” She said, “Full of.. flowers.. Lush green forests, pretty meadows. Lots of bugs though.” She chuckles. “I don't know much about the Court. But Tamlin is.. nice.” She looks down and I couldn't see her face on the mirror before me.

“He used to be friends with my brother. Though.. after everything that happened, I’d assume not any more of course.”

“Were you friends with him?”

“We spent time together when he was allowed to leave his Court to visit ours, sure. But it was Rhys who was close to Tamlin. Sometimes, he'd tell me about how he'd visit Spring without the High Lord knowing..”

“What is he like?”

Velaria thought for a while, perhaps confused. It’s the first time I'm asking her about a person and not a place.

“He's.. kind. Way kinder than his older brothers. Way kinder than his father. From what I've been told he's a great fighter. Rhys would always talk about wanting to spar with him. That is why Tamlin knew of the Illyrian camps. Rhys would take him once or twice.”

“Do you have anger towards him?” I ask. 

“I did. But now.. now I'm just conflicted..” She sighs. “You showed me what happened that night. While his father was cruel, he didn’t expect them to go so far as to actually.. kill my family. He protected me from his brothers. He begged you to take me away..”

“He did.”

“But my parents are dead either way.”

“Do you have anger towards him..?” I repeat the question. 

She looked at me through the mirror, a frown on her face. 

“I have no anger for anyone, maybe save for your father, Niamh.” She said, “Anger won’t change what happened, won't bring back the dead. And it wasn’t Tamlin’s hands that forced a blade to take my mother’s head and wings. On the contrary. It was Tamlin’s hands that trembled as he cradled my body and whispered his regrets, his apologies.”

Velaria sighs, a look of contemplation on her face while she continues to braid my hair. “And begged for you to take me to safety.”

“He killed your father.”

“And my brother killed his mother. They both suffered tragedies and let their anger and vengeance control them in those final moments before they ascended to their thrones, I have no doubt.”

“Which is a pity.” Vel looked down. “They were.. such good friends before. Rhys planned to reveal Velaris to Tamlin at one point, to show him the escape he deserved from his cruel home. Which meant he really trusted him. He must’ve felt so betrayed. I cannot imagine what went on that night you took me to Hybern, to avoid.. all that.”

She paused and tilted her head to fully look at me on the reflection. “You never really told me.. what would've happened if you stayed in Spring. If you had agreed to take on my Father's wrath. If you.. had finished the experiment they laid out for you.”

I paused for a moment to think, my hands unconsciously fidgeting. “I showed you the northern territories, didn't I?”

Velaria nods. “Yes. It's a wasteland. Nothing is left besides those who'd dare to live there.”

“Before my growing rebellion, that place used to be home to a secret league that planned to stand against the King. The villages were all in on it. Father found out and had them snuffed out.”

“Let me guess, he had you do it?”

“Yes. But I refused. Because I couldn't bring myself to wipe out an entire territory. I was still in my youth. Recklessly believing that I could defy him without being smart about it...”

My gaze falls to my hands free of their gloves. I still remember every second of that night.

“You had no choice..”

“I had no choice because he took control of my body and made me do it. When I gained back control, the territories were leveled into nothing. Just.. a huge chunk of land flattened because of what he made me unleash.”

“Niamh..” I felt her hands gripping my shoulders, their grasp firm yet comforting, like an anchor preventing me from being swept away into the currents of those memories.

“He told me that is what I should aspire to become. And that one day he will get rid of all the flaws in me that came in the way of that monster. For years he's been molding me so that I might summon that kind of power at will, without him forcing it out of me.”

“And for years, I've been suppressing it. Willing it to stay hidden. I never want to go through that again.” I never want to wake up like that again. My entire body was the same shade as the scarlet moon above me. I smelled death at every turn when he let go of my consciousness. And even when I cried and vomited on the floor of the earth, I still couldn't believe that my hands had done such atrocities.

I don't sleep just because of it. In fear that I'd open my eyes to that ever again.

“He agreed to send me to Spring in hopes that I'd be able to unleash that power. Lord Callan was curious to see it for himself and Father finally allowed himself to indulge him. Sending me like that... I don't know if I would've been successful in killing your Father. But I would've leveled Spring into nothing.”

My voice was reduced to whispers as I continued, “And I would have regretted it all my life...”

Velaria tenderly rubs my arms, attempting to soothe me. Her chin rests upon my shoulder, her gaze locked onto our reflections in the mirror, her eyes betraying a silent apology for ever bringing up the topic. I shake my head softly, offering a smile in response—letting her know silenty that none of my misfortunes were her fault..

“I cannot fault Tamlin for what happened. I know..” She mutters. “I know now how hard it is to have your life be in someone else’s control. To never be able to disobey their orders, to exist solely as a puppet, dancing to the whims of a controlling figure, even when that figure is your own father.”

She leaned back, gently resuming the braid she had momentarily stopped working on, her slender fingers deftly weaving my hair. “You two are similar in that regard.” She says, and I stop breathing for a second.

“Besides... the horrors of that night led me to meet you... So, it’s not that much of a loss, is it?”

“That is.. not a very good conclusion, Vel.”

“Meeting you is a very good conclusion. And knowing about your father's schemes to steal the Cauldron to break the wall and invade is very much.. a needed revelation to me. I told you my reasons before.”

“I know..”

“So don’t ever say that meeting you was a mistake or a waste of time. I’ll miss my parents dearly, Niamh. But I’ll forever thank the Mother for granting me a sister not a second after.”

My heart warmed at her words. “You hated me at first, I’ll remind you.”

Velaria grins. “No person could hate you. Not for long.”

“Amarantha would beg to differ.”

“I said person. People. Not the fucking she-devil herself.”

I laugh at that.

“I guess I have Tamlin to thank for handing me to you..” 

A warm smile tugs at the corners of my mouth. “Perhaps I ought to as well..”

There are many things I wish to tell him. So many. And yet, when I imagine him standing in front of me, words elude me. Not even a simple "hello" can find its way past my lips.

I looked to the side, remaining silent as I pondered. He must be struggling. Amarantha breathes in his neck, cornering him into submission. And yet, from what I hear, he does not falter, he does not submit to her. For that, I commend him. Admire him, even if it's from far away.

“You seem interested in him.” Velaria comments.

“I just wanted to hear your thoughts on him. He is the reason why we are where we are now..”

She hums. “He is. But you.. you look especially worried.”

I paused for a moment, finding the words to say. “You know I knew him. Way before all this. His father was allied to mine, they shared the same burning hatred for mortals. They'd attend Hybern balls and meetings. I'd see him by his father's side, tormented by his siblings, harassed by Amarantha way before she took over Prythian.”

I inhaled. “He was just a boy.”

“And that wicked female torments him still. I cannot stand it..” I mutter. “I can't even reach out to him, to comfort him and assure him that you're safe, that I've lived up to my promise. If he.. If he even remembers..” Does he even remember me?

“I'm sure he does..” Velaria reassures me, gently stroking the ends of my hair.

“And one day, when this is all over... I am sure to thank him and mention you. That by saving me, he has also given me a sister—one who is strong, kind, sweet.." She pulls back a strand of silver hair behind my ear. "–..and most beautiful.”

“When this is all over..” I close my eyes. “It is an optimistic thought.” A smile creeps on my face, a bittersweet one.

“It will be over, Niamh. And once it does.. You'll be free and I'll get to fulfill my promise and show you everything Prythian has to offer.”

“I will be counting the days, Vel..” I smiled as I felt her finish the braid, tying it with the green handkerchief Tamlin had given me.

Until then.. I will hold on to my daydreams, my small moments of joy.

     — —

A/n: They're honestly is so wholesome, can't wait to expand on them. Oh, the plans I have for Velaria 👁-👁.. Also, I will be doing more Hybern building, I'm really enjoying making up stuff for the place 👉👈