#my sleep is so fucked up oh damn !!!!
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cw // tattoos, piercings
why are they so loud about liking blondes .... i haven't slept in months pLEASE (<- not a blonde enjoyer)
even the version thats not in DOL universe likes blondes too 😭😭😭
slight cameo of whitney the faithful that belongs to moosen/jdolh !! (no tag cause its just smol cameo 😭)
#WHY ARE YOU THREE MAKING THINGS SO DIFFICULT#STRANGLES ALL THREE ERI#PLEASE LET ME SLEEP#LET ME REST#I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN MONTHS !!!! STOP BEING SO DAMN LOUD IN MY HEAD#<- actually sounds like a crazy person#like these three would start crawling all over the walls in my head#whenever i read some random media#and it has a blond haired man/woman#ESPECIALLY LOUD if the blond haired man/woman have red eyes#im tired of this !!!#LET ME FUCKING SLEEP DAMMIT#STOP KEEPING MY UP WITH IDEAS I CANT KEEP UP!!!!!!!!#oh and also its such a surprise i draw whitney so much because if i met whitney irl#he's getting pepper sprayed idc#but these three like him#so i cant complain ERBFHJERBHFBERF#dol#dol related#degrees of lewdity#dol pc#eri the orphan#eri (oc)#ERI I DID NOT MAKE YOU A BLOND LOVER#WHAT HAPPENED THAT MADE YOU A BLOND LOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#fan art#art#mine#my fan art#my art
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GAHHHH I WANNA SHOW OFF MY AU DESIGNS BUT THE REFS AREN'T DONE YETTTT
The colors are there I just haven't done the polished sketch and line art I wanna show off my guysssss sob
#Chip Chatter#let me be dramatic for like five seconds pretty please (<-is always dramatic)/silly#I promise I'm dramatic 4 the funnies I'm not actually like that LMAO#but I do also wish I could just project my sillies onto a canvas and show them off instead of spending hours working on their refs rjigehek#art.........................................#let me ramble about my creatures damn ye “the need to show stuff off before talking about things I love”#alright I'm done now back to work#oh wait no I gotta sleep#FUCK#btw Gregory is so adorable and so fucked up someone please help him#(literally the first thing that happens at the start of the AU is Freddy helping him as he should)
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Gordon should NOT get a biological hand back(if he does it’s busted to all hell and mostly numb). And any prosthetic he gets sucks ass unless it has a cartoony switchable feature that lets him adapt to certain tasks because even high tech prosthetic hands with the correct reaction speeds will never beat gun arm if your goal is shooting something.
What im saying is he makes a million different hands for himself to the point where he has “fork hand” and “screwdriver hand” and “scissor hand” ect
#hlvrai#gordon feetman#HAPPY 5 AM IM STILL RUNNING ON 3 HOURS OF SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#like look. i dont expect the RTVS gang to put thought into their disability rep in a comedy series on gmod. i dont#but also i get so tired seeing people be like. oh his arms back :) AT LEAST LEAVE IT SCARRED AND NUMB……DAMN!#not to mention people constantly sleep on how interesting mobility aids are to flesh out for characters#though that might be from my years of experience writing an amputee.#DISCLAIMER!! I MYSELF AM NOT AN AMPUTEE JUST BTW!!!!!!!!! LISTEN TO ACTUAL AMPUTEES BEFORE ME#though im repeating everything ive ever heard ESP that prsothetics tend to fucking suck#not saying he cant HAVE a robot hand. i draw him with one. i just think itd be funnier and more realistic if he swaps it out#might draw examples when i wake up bc its silly and fun :)#wait adding more tags despite the fact that NO ONE WILL READ THEM. this is esp the case bc hes right handed#he needs his right hand for fine motor skill you will NOT get that with a prosthetic
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...
#love that my body decided to incapacitate me the weekend before i have to read 5 different papers for classes#and it would b one thing to just read them but no for 3 of them i have to give detailed interpretation and 1 i have to present on#ive already failed to read one bc i forgot we had to do 2 papers for monday. oops. not that i could have done it anyway. i barely got 1 done#and im on track to fucking up the one due Tomorrow as well#im just fucking tired of reading fucking chemistry driven papers that i dont understand no matter how many times i read them#and everyones like oh itll get easier but no it fucking wont bc i cant fucking read right#its so fucking frustrating. why do i even bother? im so tried#i don't even have the paper im supposed to present on so ill have to do it all tomorrow. cool. great. not that i could do it today anyway#im just. this is gonna b a difficult week#and i misused my whole day by doing extractions bc i scheduled my training a week ago when i thought i would b fine over the weekend#nope. its fucking bullshit. this is y im like. y do i even want to b in academia?#how could i b a prof if i cant read well? its fine to b dyslexic as a math person but im like i have to read so much and so little gets thru#but then what the fuck else am i supposed to do? idk. im just gonna write down something for all these questions and go tf to sleep#ill get up at some horrible time in the morning to finish this. damn the consequences. ill see my therapist tomorrow anyway#and meet with my advisor like 🤪 yo guess what i made zero progress this week#sorry u got stuck with me while im going thru a year of fucking health problems#but whatever cant get rid of me now im already here. here and tired and i wanna go to bed#unrelated
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i’m gonna kms i can’t sleep
#it’s 2am and like i woke up so damn early this morning and didn’t take any naps thinking i’ll be able to go to sleep early#i did fall asleep very lightly for a second but then my cat woke me up#and even when i was asleep i was barely asleep#and adhd makes it SO. incredibly painful to try to fall asleep when you can’t fucking fall asleep like GOD.#mind you i can afford to sleep in tomorrow morning but on sunday morning im gonna have to wake up at 5am to WALK to fucking WORK#so i wanna train myself a little bit at least#but oh well#we’ll see how this goes#.txt
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I wish I had friends near meeeeeee to distract me from my brainnnnnnnnnn
#need to talk to anyone irl who isn’t related to me or dating my mom or my therapist#anyone else near me please I’m losing my mind#nature isn’t healing me sleeping in a fully dark room all day isn’t healing me how do I magically fix this without having to put any work#into it oh I can’t oh u have to do the work okay how do I do that. therapy once a week. oh. okay. yup.#can I speedrun it? oh no? I can’t. oh damn. okay fine whatever. therapy once a week. AND I HAVE TO ACTUALLY LISTEN AND DO WHAT SHE SAYS. bro#what the hell okay fine#well here I am !!!!! where is the fixing where is the feeling better I feel like all I do is stir up all these touch emotions from every#part of my life at once and then she sends me off to rot for week before I come back and talk again#I just feel like I’m losing it!!!!! and ik it’s extra bad bc birthday countdown is on in my brain and im stressed and i feel like a huge#fuck up that can never be fixed and like I will die having done nothing with my life except weigh other people down and so exhausting and my#brain won’t ever shut up like yes I get it years and years and years of built up shit that I never properly dealt with and still hold blame#for constantly and I feel like I will never be fixed like I CANT be fixed like this is a losing battle and I just am struggling today man#idk what I was saying I just took my morning weed hit to try and relax my back a little and now my brain is like scrambled eggs#which is good that means it’s working#I’m gonna try to take a nap maybe cause I only slept four hours and it was like choppy thru the night and then maybe I’ll go to the lake#later I’ve been feeling the need to be in a body of water recently
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okay so maybe it was just me being ahead of the curve or whatever but like. did anyone else have their ultimate misery / severe depression era during middle school instead of high school?
#mine#mental illness#it is FOUR AM i should NOT BE thinking about this but oh my god#i read something and i just realized that it wasnt just depression i had a full-fucking-blown psychological BREAK when i was 11#and i need to be up in four hours but now im too pissed to sleep like oh my god i had a FULL PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAK and#STILL none of the adults in my life even noticed i was SAD?? FUCKING HELLO??????#anyway rant in the tags but also im genuinely asking did this hit anyone else in middle school/ages 11-13 instead of high school#bc all the stuff i see is about how miserable and mentally ill kids in high school are and im absolutely not discounting that#but like. high school was SO MUCH BETTER for me it was fucking PARADISE compared to how deeply fucking hurting i was#throughout all of middle school. like i would relive all my high school years ten times over before i even ONCE had to feel how i felt#from the ages of 11 - 13. high school was FUN for me and i was still very mentally ill going into 9th grade!!#like. okay you know the adhd principle of executive dysfunction where the idea is that DOING the task is easier than STARTING the task#and the analogy that goes like. imagine you had to struggle for hours climbing up the gravel mountain to get to the construction site#so when you finally get there youre like oh thank fuck time to lay some bricks i could do this all DAY#and the guy who drove up the mountain to the work site is all angry and is like man stop bragging about how EASY laying bricks is for you#man its hard work!!!!! and youre like. not as hard as climbing up the damn gravel mountain dude#and whenever i hear people talking about how high school is the worst. i think of that.#yeah man high school is hard. not as hard as suffering through the crushing misery of being 11 though.
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I fully shifted to my DR the other night for like a few minutes and I’m still struggling to process it?? Anyways if you’ve been trying to shift for a while I promise it’s real and so worth the effort
#reality shifting#the world around me disappeared and then I was lying in bed next to someone#no one else has access to my bedroom but me so like??#god damn I was fully conscious and fully awake#shifting is real please don’t give up oh my god???#that was my first time shifting while awake lmfao#the person sleeping next to me was almost laying on top of me??#they were so warm and I could feel their body weight it was literally irl real#I was visualizing Francis during this shifting attempt so I know it was her. I wanna go back so bad holy fuck
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this Tylenol ain’t shit w
#talkingcore#emotions. man.#there’s so much music that I just haven’t listened to in a bit and it’s making me feel things it’s not even like sad things I’m like damn#how long has it been since I’ve listened to beautiful stranger by Madonna as featured in Austin powers international man of mystery#but also something in my brain feels like it needs to cry like I don’t feel like I physically can but something needs to be released#so do I go pet sounds? smile? falsettos? I feel like I need to be in a sleeping bag and Contemplate#fun fact! Kendra Morris has an absolutely stunning cover of don’t talk (put your head on my shoulders)#I’m pretty neutral on beach boys covers tbh I’m never crazy about them since like they really never measure up#how many mid covers of god only knows can I take? not many. but like she & him have their little Brian Wilson tribute I like that.#the covers are a lot better when they don’t try to perfectly replicate whatever the fuck Brian Wilson was doing they aren’t him#brain wants to go melancholy mode but I’ve no clue over what. girl just tell me what I’m supposed to be sad over I’ll commit to the bit#need to keep listening to new stuff but also need old stuff Maybe that’s it maybe I just need old stuff again? like routine?? shit idk#also like at 5 am I woke up and remembered how in choir people kept comparing me to the director they had the year before me#and the thing is she had the same name as someone else in choir that was student teaching my first semester so I kept thinking they were#referring to her Id be in my choir fit my silly suit my proud butch uniform and they’d be like oh this is so ‘insert name’!#and it kept throwing me off because the student teacher was like. not like me at all so I was like fuck#what kind of girl core energies am I accidentally emitting this is Bad. so anyway 5 am I’m like fuck it I need to research this person#I search. find her. she’s butch. I’m blessed. they weren’t lying like man we do such a good job at being generic! yay!#butch And in choir! love to see it! keep thinking how I am destined to be like in my 40s doing mundane tasks#I’m gonna be soooooo good at watering plants and putting salt on the sidewalk before it snows and cleaning drains#need to be a dad mom so fucking bad you don’t get it I need to drive carpool and take off work for dentist trips and watch hgtv#AHHHH i think that got rid of some of the sad lfg💥💥💥💥this must be super long god damn sorry
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my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/
#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man#i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks#and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig#even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them-#better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them#like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it#hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders#for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee#the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want#me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so!#anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too#its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh#we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its#kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way#im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily#cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction#its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things#for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a#want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them#and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎#i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay.#.vent
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anxiety is such a weird lil shit
#vent post#negative#✌️ so i got bit by a dog today#it should be fine. it could be a lot worse. its chill ive been chillish about it all day#but now that its time for bed and i know i fucked up changing out the bandaging a bit im so nervous#my brains like. what if i move wrong in my sleep and fuck it up worse#which i dont .. THINk is physically possible?#but im not 100% on that#it did bleed more than i thought it did. nothing terrible just more than i expected#so thats enough for my anxiety to be like. uh oh#i wanna stay awake so if i do fuck it up its my own conscious fault#but getting this little sleep when im This Stressed is a baaaad idea#so damn guess I'll have to just tell my anxiety to chill out for a minute#god im tired
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What kind of episode title is "luffy confronts the harsh reality" 😭😭
#two weeks??? WHERE IS LUFFY#also have the marines never heard of power vacuums??? they really are dumb and fucking stupid#damn... we thought after the marine deferating the big pirate they would calm down and fear us!! who woulda thot!!#goodbye iva san :'(#luffy being the only exception in amazon lily.... literally everyone loves him lmao#hancock is me actually. cant eat cant sleep thinking about luffy suffering#she is so real#oh luffy :(((#me as luffy too asking for ace#whay the fuck#crying again#luffy crying likr a little boy..... i mean he kida is....#i cant take it#i pinched my cheeks until they bled so if this was a dream i would have already woken up#what if i cry and shit and sob and throw up#the flashbacks there just to put a little extra salt on the wound#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 491#also. jimbe. god bless his soul#and luffys voice actress..... miss...... that is some insane shit youve been pulling lately
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NO IM ASKING YOU. IM ASKING YOU ABOUT A MURDER
#you c an tell he feels like shit about this. it’s always the second victims that get him#what do you think he feels about it?#someone killed mrs donner in front of his eyes and he couldn’t stop it bc he didn’t understand fully#but he knew something was wrong#do you think he stayed up in part due to that??#that’s so fucked up#he got zero sleep that night…. damn.#columbo#deadly state of mind#oh my poor poor blorbo
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“how was ___” “it was good” but everyone is distraught and traumatized
#long tags lol#tw throwing up#boyyyy so i was just sleeping basically this entire 5 hr roadtrip bc this weekend tired me OUT#i open my eyes a little bc yk when the car stops ur like what up and it was traffic#Then i turn to my right and my little sister is throwing up in a paper bag#im like whatt the fuck am i seeing this right#i tap my moms head to let her know her daughter is puking behind her bc shes not reacting or nothing#then she rolls her window down allllll the way so im like Cool she knows shes trying to air this place out!#oh yeah mind you my little sister and i are in the third row of the car luggages all around us shes sitting behind the seat that goes down#i have no exit point whatever happens in this back row i gotta breathe it live it be it#so my sister is sitting there w her paper bag and im like damn uhh shes not stopping this keeps going#she stops for a second to hand me a plastic bag w her shoes in it to open it then she goes back in and im like Shit!#her hands had throw up and now theres throw up on my hands while im trying to open the back w her adidas shoes#and she says oh no my shoes! before she has to accept the inevitable and hurls right on them#turns out the bag w her shoes had a hole in it… shit is all over her shirt and pants and seat and shoes#this is all happening very quickly by the way so the short traffic is done my dad is pressin on the gas w his life tryna get us home#no clue the absolute massacre going on behind him#i have to yell three times dad! can you pull over! his hearing is bad#my siblings r gagging acting like theyre the ones going through all this yelling at my little sister like shuttt the fuck up#my mom is like there r wipes in the bag behind you#so ok my dad pulls over my little sister absolutely covered in her own puke#im sitting there breathing through my mouth just handing her a shittt ton of wipes and new clothes#she changes her clothes in the middle seat and i start cleaning the seats fml#i get a new plastic bag from someone to put the wipes in and that has a hole too so some gets on my pants fml#we clean everything up and drive the rest of the thirty minutes back home#my siblings have their little masks face right out the window#i have absolutely no defenses against what just happened i put my face in clorox container#we get home my dad leaves us to pee but whatever and last but not fucking least the canelles drop all over the street
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NOOOO!! NOT A CLIFFHANGER TIL JANUARY??!! MATTHEW PLEASE!! DAMNIT!!
OOOOHH no!!
Welp. This was. A ride!! A lot of lore, a lot of crazy times and some more to come certainly!!
Well gang, happy holidays, be safe, be good to each other, and see you for the next ep in January of 2023!!! AHHHHH!!
Gnight, see you next year 😉, and...is it Thursday yet? 💜
#critical role#cr spoilers#critical role spoilers#cr liveblog#aww fuck!!#now we gotta wait til 2023 to find out what happens???!#damn??#oh man what a night?!#at least it's only two weeks??#man my sleep schedule is gonna be so fucked once school starts again 😂#critical role is messing up my brain 😆#in a good way
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99% just my autism speaking here but something ive been noticing lately that im sorta kinda 😶 about is when ppl are like "I think you'll like this" but not bc they ACTUALLY think you'll like it, rather they just got into it and want you to also get into it so "I think you'll like this" is a nice personal hook. i love chill stuff as much as any other person ofc but given i don't divulge that EVER, what makes you think my berserk reading, made in abyss watching, drakengard playing ass would like YURU CAMP????
#gu6chan's musings#am i just taking the phrase too literally???? like i appreciate the thought but also.... what agitates me is the fact theres not any#when i say something among the lines of 'i think YOU'LL like this' or 'This made me think of you' like#its bc i think of THAT PERSON IN PARTICULAR or think THAT PERSON IN PARTICULAR would like it#again it's probably just autism brain taking figures of speech too literally but i HATE it bc it just makes me feel like#all the times i shared my interests meant nothinggggg typically i just ask 'neat; what makes you think ill like it?' and ppl start stumbling#and im like :(#whats rlly funny in this case is not only the fact i had only ever established my love of dark fantasy and mystery to this person#but they also flatout asked 'youre not really into modern media much are you' to which the answer was 'not much lol'#and i said the reasons i dont care for 'cute girls doing cute things' anime (re: k-on) is bc if i have the time to watch it then i at LEAST#wanna spend it watching a series that's???? not 'the point of it is to relax :)'??? i can sleep for that#anyways like 2 days later they said they said they think id REALLY like this new anime they've been watching lately and I was like 'oh?'#and it was yuru camp.... and internally i was like 'are you fucking kidding me' but on the outside i was like 'oh sweet what makes you think#id like it? id love some new media recommendations especially if they're newer shows bc ive been having SO MUCH TROUBLE trying to find#something interesting that isn't from 2008'#and they sent me a picture of the most generic anime girl ever and they're like 'it has really cute girls' and then i just wanted to kms#like.... this isn't bc you thought id like it; is it.....#wanted to die internally but i played it cool and was like 'oh no; i appreciate it thoughtfulness and all but i don't think this is for me'#also the time where someone recommended signalis to me and i was like 'oh?' and they were like 'YEAH its SO good the people who made it#were even INSPIRED off of Nier' KNOWING FULL WELL I DIDN'T LIKE IT AND THE AMOUNT MY ENTHUSIASM JUST DIED... i was like#'oh. well that will be a pass then' and they tried backpedaling like 'well it's not SUPER inspired; i didn't know you HATED nier :(' like#my past 15 posts on my twitter werent me realising that the game was absolute garbage and calling it the most regretful thing ive ever spent#money on during my attempted playthrough 😭 i was like 'thanks; but I'll pass' to which they then responded by promptly sending me#signalis memes i had absolutely no idea how to respond to WITHOUT making it seem like i was super annoyed so i was just kinda 😶 and didn't#reply and they were like 'sorry :(' and i was like 'haha it's okay! i just have absolutely no idea how to respond to this joke i dont#understand at ALL'#was probably one of the more awkward interactions ive ever had but genuinely speaking i was so INTERESTED until they brought up that it was#inspired by nier i literally psychically felt all the enthusiasm leaving my body from 'damn; i might actually have to look into this' to#'oh well that's a bullet dodged' did not trust the backtracking either....
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