#my solution is also polyamory btw

[celestial-clownz]

I love scarian a lot but I also have to acknowledge how abnormal grian is abt that mustache

[frosty-the-killer-doll]

Do you have any qpr Karolsen headcanons? Also ever since you posted that webweave I’ve been thinking about them

HOORAY !!! [web weave xe's talking abt btw]

okay, so. the way they even get together in this way in the polycule au is something i haven't worked into a fic yet. but, when barry and kara first meet, barry is reeling after learning iris, eddie, caitlin and cisco are in a polycule and have been hiding it from him until caitlin drunkenly spills the beans on their summer lovin' night out. and barry vents this to kara as they munch on donuts, and basically introduces her to not only polyamory but queerplatonic relationships as well via caitco.

at that point, kara and lucy and james are still in their love triangle, and kara thinks this is the big solution she's been looking for- james doesn't have to choose between them, she and lucy don't have to resent each other, they can all just be together!

so, eventually, she actually works up the courage to bring up polyamory to them. and lucy knows that james loves kara, so she agrees to see how it plays out. she wants james to be happy, even if it means that once james gets a taste of what a relationship with kara is like, he'll decide he only wants that and not lucy…

[i should mention: lucy never disappears in the polycule au. she stays in national city as the director of the desert facility, and is a superfriend throughout everything. so, she's in s2, obviously, when karolsen begin to actually date, lucy and james never broke up.]

so karolsen try the romantic thing. and, like in canon, something doesn't feel quite right. something has changed in kara's heart. she still loves him, but she knows they're "best as friends." and james knows they'll always be friends.

so he's relaying the kinda-sorta-breakup to lucy, and she gets stuck on the "friends" bit of it all. hey, didn't kara mention a queer kind of friends when she was explaining polyamory…?

and they bring it up to kara together, flashbacking to when kara first came up with the poly idea. and wow, yeah, that's exactly the type of thing kara wants out of her relationship with james. and while this wasn't what james was initially expecting, he just wants to be with kara in any way she'll let him.

so [to spare a moment on my superlane bullshit] that leads them to asking, like, does that count as polyamorous? james having a romantic partner and a queerplatonic one? according to caitco, it's really up to them if they wanna label it that way, there's no rules to qprs. and something still doesn't quite feel right between them. james and kara are happy together, james and lucy are happy together. watching kara fall in love with james has made lucy appreciate him, too, just like how watching james with lucy makes kara's face hot.

and soon kara starts to notice that she's not just falling in love with the way lucy sees james, she's falling for the way james sees lucy and lucy is doing the same, and that's what doesn't feel quite right. and bc kara's never been with a girl before, they try to brush it off as the same alterous feelings and be platonic with their queerness, but. james knows what it's like to love lucy romantically, and he can see that's how kara loves her, and he says so. until, finally, the girls switch to being romantic-style girlfriends all because james loves them and they love james~

considering they've canonically kissed, i think their qpr has some physicality. they're sexually attracted to each other. karolsen cuddle, make-out, have sex… kara feels a bit subconscious about banging it out with someone that she's not romantically dating, but james likes to joke that besties with benefits is feminist, and distracts her from her internalized issues by daring her to day that five times fast.

to straight-up copy what i said in another ask: "the writers admitted that they basically wrote themselves into a corner with karolsen, saying they're both too "noble" for tv-worthy relationship drama post-canonization. they're too noble, you say? okay, make that the drama. make them repress their emotions for the sake of their relationship, make them start to resent each other because of it, make them passive-aggressive and secretive and feel like they have to walk on eggshells together."

so, on that point: queerplatonic relationship drama. bc they're both so caring and yes, noble. they've argued before, but never in this context, they were trying so hard to be what society considers 'normal' friends back then. but now they're together, queerly, while james is with lucy and kara is trying to work through realizing she likes girls and everything is confusing enough.

i think, at the start, everything would be so rocky. they don't know how to do anything anymore. they don't even come out to their friends. they're this secret thing, which is as comforting as it is stress-inducing, because right now it's just theirs which also means if anyone was to leave there wouldn't be any fallout for a bit. sometimes that seems enticing.

but it's all a learning curve. luckily, even if they're not out to anyone in national city, they have friends like team flash that are determined to keep them from crumbling altogether. and considering how noble the three are, they're always there for when someone begins to falter. so. again: learning curve. the longer they let themselves be, the more normal it feels.

this is all happening in s2 before alex comes out to kara, btw. so, like, in five episodes? so, about, the span of about five or so weeks. i mean, alex didn't immediately tell kara when she was questioning, so, ha, kara doesn't either. by then, she and lucy have just started dating and james really does feel like he'll always be her platonic boyfriend. it's not until alex and kara are on that couch talking, when canon kara talks abt keeping a part of herself turned off… that she finally tells her sister that she's not just talking about being an alien.

alex is. hm. suspicious. she doesn't really get the platonic dating thing. i mean, according to maggie, platonic dating is a part of queer history, she just didn't know aspecs gave it a real name. so. idk, i don't think alex would get it right away, similar to how awkward kara was canon-wise during alex's coming out, but that only lasts, like, a week (what would be an episode) for alex. she can see how happy karolsen are in this way, and her whole life has been about keeping kara happy, so if this is the way she's happy, well, fuck it. alex doesn't need to perfectly understand it to support them.

james says in a flashback that he has 16 scars from being tortured by lex luthor. now, we've seen our dear jimmy james shirtless, and i love shirtless men, so you know i've put a lot of hours into staring at him. it seems none of those scars were particularly lasting. i feel this doesn't make sense canonically, as i don't believe lex would go soft on him enough for every scar to heal within a few years. i think the scars would be with him for a long fucking time, both mentally and physically. how does this relate to karolsen, you ask?

well, kara likes to trace his scars with her fingertips in such a sickeningly soft way. extra careful, forcing her superpowered touch to be as light as a feather. it makes james choke up. she's so determined not to hurt him- so determined to be tender- so different from how he got the scars. he doesn't realize how much pain he's been hiding in those parts of his body until kara's caressing him all lovingly. she holds him when he starts to cry- he doesn't even understand why he's crying until later- but he assures her that he likes it. he needs it.

they love calling each other girlfriend and boyfriend. sometimes they add "platonic" but, to them, it being platonic is just always so implied that they forget how deeply those words have romantic connotations. which leads to them getting confused and being shocked.png when someone assumes they're in a romantic relationship.

james: been there-

kara: done that!

*holds hands so fiercely that there's a queerplatonic beam of destruction like in carebears*

that's all i got rn, i hope this satiates ur brainrot<3

[crimeronan]

[redacted] asked: do you acc like pynch but the reason you don't talk about it is because of the toxicity of the fandom? u can answer this privately btw so u don't get attacked!!! (and also maybe so i don't get attacked) if you want to

-

posting publicly but leaving ur url out, friend! with some of the fandom nonsense that's gone down the past few days i've wanted an opportunity to explain myself more clearly

i do like pynch very much! over at my ao3 (elliptical), you will find well over 200k words of pynch fic. i also like the ot6 very much. i believe that ronan and adam are healthiest with a strong support network, whether that's platonic or not. i am polyamorous myself and have four partners. because of these combined factors, i almost exclusively write polyamorous pynch

i shitpost a lot about "why ship pynch when [x] is better" and the like, and that is 100% related to fandom toxicity. i think it's funny as hell

i care more about ronan and adam as individuals than i do about their relationship, which might set me apart from some shippers. if breaking up would be good for their character growth then i would (and will) SCREAM for a breakup. FROTH for one. DO IIIIIT

i am NOT joking when i say that ronan's experience of monogamy is toxic. i think there has been miscommunication here so i am going to try to set the record straight

in a healthy monogamous relationship, the partners establish & respect boundaries, communicate openly, and lean on each other for support. they do not self-isolate and shut the other out and keep secrets and lie and self-destruct because they don't feel good enough. mister impossible is 300 pages expressly stating, over and over, "WHAT RONAN IS DOING IS NOT GOOD. THIS IS NOT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP."

the definition of a healthy polyamorous relationship is exactly the same. boundaries, communication, support. the main difference between a poly and monogamous relationship is that in a poly relationship, the boundaries involve also loving/being with other people. in a monogamous relationship, the partners have mutually agreed that they are not comfortable with this.

the solution to ronan's problems is not to just open his relationship and see what happens. (people have tried to do this to salvage their toxic relationships and it is always DISASTROUS.) but IF ronan is able to get to a healthy place with adam, he will ALSO be in a place where he CAN negotiate polyamory, if he wants to.

(or he might say hey, i've given it some thought, and i've decided this would make me uncomfortable/unhappy. i want a closed relationship. <-healthy communication and expression of needs!)

do i think ronan is in a place, canonically, where he can have a healthy poly relationship? nah. here's the thing, though. ronan is also not in a place where he can have a healthy monogamous relationship.

he's got shit to deal with! i care deeply about him, and i relate very much to him, which is why i like writing his process of Dealing With That Shit. and i like writing polyamory because i am polyamorous and it makes me happy.

fandom toxicity has gotten really ugly in the past few days. it's partly my fault, i openly engaged with someone when i shouldn't have. they made it very clear that they had no interest in changing their opinion and would continue to disrespect me no matter what i said, which is the point at which i should have blocked and moved on. people are welcome to keep talking shit about me. i'm done with believing i could ever stop them

there have been some straight-up lies spread around about things i or my friends have said/done, though, so this post is mainly to clear the air. please refer to it for my Actual opinions on polyamory vs monogamy (and pynch in general) before believing the griping of people who exclusively interact in bad faith.

to conclude, i like pynch in canon and some fic. i have strong opinions about it and i don't like some of the fandom attitudes surrounding their relationship. i am going to continue writing what i want (whether it features pynch or not) because it makes me happy. i am not going to apologize for that. people interested in my takes on pynch relationship negotiation can browse my ao3, i've poured all my feelings WAY more deeply into fic than i do shitposts.

[slayernina]

Jancy, Jopper and Lumax

Jancy. 

It slowly growed on me, I think. I still prefer Stancy. But I’m not too much invested in this ship. I think they are better as characters when they are separated. Nancy works better when she is all Nancy Drew shooter, and Jonathan works better when he is the Big Brother Aspiration. Also, I will never forgive the “I took photos of you” that never got addressed. And I’m against all that “nerd guy wins because nerds are the nice guys and better than jocks” bullshit. 

I do like, however, the Oliver Twist scene because it showed 2 people arguing that both had reason (despite the narrative framing only Nancy as the one that is right).

Jopper.

I ship them. Hard. Even when I was happy with Bob (my solution was a polyamory ship, btw). But both need to get their shit together. And go to therapy. Given how season 4 seems to be going, I hope the plot isn’t only about Joyce dealing with Hopper’s shit, she deserves to be something more than a doormat.

Lumax.

Lucas is so cute, endearing and nice that whoever who is with him, it’s going to be a good, functional ship. Lucas and Max seem to share interests more “common” than “nerdys”, but also, they have that foil dynamic of “sensitive guy with fierce girl”, something we usually don’t see. Despite all the break ups, I think Lumax is the best ship of the show and one of the best ships in TV overall. There is no need for great love gestures nor profound conversations, just people hanging around.

Thank you for the ask!

[welcome-to-the-petting-zoo]

Answer to Anon about polyamory, PART 2/3

Anon asked:  “ Hi! This is the anon who recently asked about coming out to my girlfriend as polyamorus. It went poorly. She threw a fit and now I'm not allowed to be around one of my closest friends. She told me she was polyamorus too and she had a crush on someone else and when I asked the same of her that she did of me and she guilt tripped me abour the fact that they live closer to her than I do and how I'm always busy. Is this fair? “ Dear Anon,

TP here. 

I’m sorry to hear it went so poorly with the coming out. First and foremost, let me give you the short answer: no, it is not fair, and from the way you ask, I kinda gather you know that.

Now, for a longer, maybe a bit more nuanced answer... Even though on the surface this seems very bad, I think this is actually a fine starting ground. Unfortunately, I find it’s always harder to open up a monogamous relationship than it is to start out open to begin with. That being said, it’s not impossible, and I’ll try to highlight some options for you, or areas I find important to work on between you and your partner.

First off, while I assure you, I’m 100% with you on the pain and unfairness of the situation, I’m not the best when it comes to emotional support, and my autistic brain goes, “if you want to help Anon, you’ll have to look at this cold-headedly, from a logical point of view”,and that’s exactly what I’m going to aim for in my explanation. (Sidebar: I’m a die-hard crime fan and recently I’ve been non-stop listening to true crime podcasts, so if I sound like an investigative reporter, that might be why, sorry ^~^”)

There are several questions that occurred to me when I was reading your ask. 

1, Why did she throw a fit? What upset her? Why did she find it the best way to react aggressively?

2, Why are you not allowed to be around your friend? Are you still allowed to talk to them online? What about on the phone? Is it only physical meetings or also facetime, etc.?

3, She told you she was poly too. (btw, THIS IS HUGE!!) Why did you only learn about this now? What are her feelings about polyamory? If she is poly too, AND she also has another love interest, why is she so against opening up your relationship?

4, She’s complaining about you being busy all the time. Once again, WHY does she not want to engage in a poly lifestyle and pursue her love interest, if she feels like she needs more attention/affection/time than what you are capable of giving? 

5, Does it HAVE TO be fair?/What IS fair?

This is going to be a humongous answer, but please bear with me, because at the end we might arrive at some interesting (and hopefully helpful) conclusions. I’ll try to stay objective, but at certain points I’ll have to enter the realm of wild speculations, and if you find that my reasoning is flawed due to me not knowing you, your partner, the reality of your situation, etc., please get back to me with corrections so we can work further on the solution in the light of the new information.

1, In the whole story, her reaction and her motivation is what baffles me the most. I feel like if I can crack that, if I can come to understand what’s happening in her head, that will directly lead to the solution of the whole drama, but since I know virtually nothing of her, these are questions you are more likely to be able to answer than I am, and I’ll have to rely on my model of the Generic Human Being to try to come closer to a possible solution.

The first logical answer that comes to mind is jealousy. People treat jealousy like it’s an emotion, and give it way too much validity in my opinion. Jealousy is not an emotion, it’s not something you can’t change, it’s not a given and it’s not the end of the line. Jealousy is a reaction to something, and that something is usually the feeling of someone else having something you also want, but you don’t have. My best bet would be, she heard about your emotions towards someone else, and she immediately felt threatened, so she became defensive and lashed out.

Think about it. In her head, the situation might look like something like this:  My partner tells me they have feelings for someone else. What happened? Am I not enough? Did I do something wrong? Do they no longer love me? Am I going to be replaced? What does this other person have on me? How are they better? Why does my partner want them instead of me? Sure, they tell me they still love me and want to be with me, but what if that stops being true the moment they get to be with that other person? What if they’ll find that the other person is a way better partner/better in bed/younger/older/prettier/smarter/more successful/whatever-the-fuck-I’m-insecure-about than I am? 

This is a brutally scary situation, especially because these are fears we don’t like to address, they are uncomfortable, shameful, deeply private, and most of the time we know deep down that they are silly. It also depends on the level of self-awareness a person possesses how much in touch with these fears they are, and how much they are willing to engage and work with them. But in any case, facing and overcoming these fears is a lengthy process, and it’s definitely not going to happen in a conversation where you just punched the beehive of your partner’s insecurities.

In other words, this is one of the main focus areas you two need to address and work with, because if you can untangle her emotional mess and get to the bottom of the jealousy question, you’ll find what the exact nature of her fear is and you might be able to put those fears to rest, once and for all. This will also be a journey that strengthens the bond between you and when you emerge victoriously on the other side, she’ll likely have a new level of openness and trust towards you, which also makes it more likely that you can live in a healthy poly relationship.

2, Now, let’s look at the situation with you and your friend. Do I assume it correctly that this friend is also your potential love interest? This seems to be the most logical assumption, so I’ll continue answering as if this was the case. 

I’m asking about the conditions of you not being allowed to be around her, because it tells me a lot about the nature of your girlfriend's fear. For example. If she’s okay with you having phone or Skype conversations, exchange texts or direct messages, but you’re not allowed to hang out in person, that means the focus of her worry is likely sex. She might find sex an important bonding experience between people, and she might be worried that if you spend unsuperwised time together, you’ll end up cheating on her. 

I wonder if she knows this person. It would be logical that she does, because they are one of your closest friends, so chances are you’ve been hanging out together at some point, so it’s interesting to look at whether she’d be okay continuing hanging out where she is also present. If she isn’t, that kinda changes the equation a bit, or at least points to the fact that she built up some (potentially misplaced) resentment towards them, and that also says something about the nature or at least the depth of her insecurity. 

PART 3 coming soon ~TP Part 1  here

[two-sugars]

hey love your blog, I saw a while a go you said you were polyamorous, I am too but I've only just got into my first poly relationship and I was wondering if you had any tips? Also do you think 16 is too young to be in a poly triad? I'm too scared to tell my parents and I don't know what to do. btw your triad is cute af :D

hey, thanks. i’m actually no longer a part of a triad and i don’t identify as polyamorous anymore. after over a year of trying to exist in that relationship dynamic my mental health deteriorated greatly and i realised that, as well as the problems which were specific to my relationship, polyamory is not for me. for the sake of whatever respect i once had for my ex partners i won’t discuss my old triad any more.

i will say that, i know everyone preaches this, but seriously communication is absolutely vital. relying on friends for support is great if you have that option but please make sure that any final communication is with your partner(s), they’re the one(s) who need to hear it. also jealousy is totally normal, but not every single day. if you ever feel yourself feeling jealousy very often, and that jealousy doesn’t truly dissipate even after communicating your feelings/trying to find a solution or compromise, please don’t let yourself suffer. make sure that you’re not sacrificing your happiness or mental health for the sake of staying in the relationship. any relationship requires sacrifice and compromise, but it is never ever worth losing a part of yourself. and never let yourself feel like you’re someone’s second choice, you deserve so much more than that.

i don’t think 16 is too young to explore polyamory, and if a few years down the line you find yourself no longer identifying that way that’s okay! until the age of 19 i insisted i was gay even though i knew in my heart that i’m bi, and i let my fear of being judged for “taking a step back” or losing some kinda queer brownie points stop me from coming out and being my true self sooner. so as long as you’re being true to yourself and not actively hurting anyone else, you do you my friend! 

as for telling your parents it’s hard to say becasue idk what they’re like. my mum accepted it although i could tell she didn’t take it very seriously because i’m a student, so unfortunately your age might be a factor in how they react. just try your best to be honest and if you need any more guidance here please come off anon and ask!

sorry if this isn’t what you were after and i’m sorry i might sound like a jaded old bitty, i promise that i do wish you and your partners every happiness in the world from the bottom of my heart, and hope that you have a nice day.

[tenok]

I'm still not over my friend choosing wincestiel and we need a history lesson there to understand why it's so important

We met three years ago and she was just after the biggest traumatic fuck up of her life

Her abusers were poly and in the beginning she was triggered as hell by anything doing with polyamory to the point where she get agitated, anxious and/or angry when I mentioned my (poly at the time) relationship

She also was overall in dark place and while we mostly talked about fandom and it was hard at the beginning to get her to talk about her life, she made exclusively dark shit in fandoms, and I say this as someone who like to make dark shit myself, and you could see how obsessed she with making characters as miserable as possible (btw she slowly changed her other pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drinking and unsafe sex to just dark fiction because catharsis was just so good)

Her favorite character, to which she related at most, suffered especially great. If there is dark thing you can imagine, it did happen to poor guy. Every time I tried to make something fluffy, she destroyed it with passion, explaining as it was unbelievable, stupid, ooc and just couldn't work, nothing personal, haha

Now, two years into medicine and year and half into therapy? She chooses triad as solution to "no one being alone and unhappy"! She project heavily into Sam and she builds aus where he go to therapy and loved and happy and deals with trauma in healthy ways! She adamant that no one there deserved such suffering and they all good people of which took advantage higher powers, not that they inherently bad and stupid and to blame for all that happened! Shit like this would be called fake and stupid three, even two years ago!

I'm crying a little bit sorry

(it's probably the only place where she or our mutual friends won't see my post and I don't want to embarras her)