#advice column

[pickle-and-beans]

O Mr. Beans I just need to tell you that you are the silliest

Dearest Anonymous,

Mrow. Thank u!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some curtains to conquer with my acrobatic prowess. Farewell, dear admirer, and remember: it's good to be the silliest.

Yours truly,

Beans The Orange Cat

[perfectlyripeclementine]

Sorry if this is too personal for an ask, you seem to have developed a very mature and nurturing way of navigating past relationships... ofc this might just be from the outside looking in but still. In my experience and cultural background (monogamous, cishetero, conservative) -and despite outgrowing most of that education- I still struggle with grief when it comes to unresolved feelings for previous partners.

I understand that it's a very nuanced thing and it involves lots of factors for each particular person, in any case i thought I'd ask for your thoughts on this from your perspective and maybe some good literature to go along with it?

hi friend ❣️ i’ll start by saying, if you’re asking this question you might be feeling a bit tender, so i hope you’ve got some softness - that you’re receiving it from others, and that you give this to yourself. thank you for your trust.

read more bc this might be a long one.

there’s a lot of different things i’d like to say. i’ll start by saying the framework of polyamory really helped me here. the biggest lie of compulsory monogamy is that exclusivity means safety. monogamy sells you that the goal is to Date and then be Exclusive and then Marry and then you’ll be Safe. but marriage doesn’t mean safety: people divorce all the time; cheat on each other all the time; people stay in unhappy marriages (and relationships) all the time. i believe there is no such thing as safety in relationships - monog or otherwise. at the risk of being dramatic: in one way or the other, you will either lose them or you will die first. grief is not only a risk of love, it is a guarantee.

when i fall in love with someone i ask myself: is this person worth grieving? so far, the answer has never been no. but i walk in knowing i will either die first, or grieve them. it’s a bitter pill, but it gives me freedom, because it also means that the end of a relationship isn’t necessarily a failure. if i’ve learned, if i’ve grown, if the relationship gave me happiness, i consider it a success.

on that note, experience does help. i’ve had three or four Big Breakups(tm). and they don’t get easier, but now when i get my heart broken i know i can survive it. i may be in the Big Ouchies for a while but i won’t keel over and die. like a bad flu.

my work when i’m in the Big Ouchies is to not let my body deteriorate. i need to drink water especially if i’m crying; eat food even if i’m not hungry (that one’s tough for me); take myself out for walks even if the flowers aren’t out. if i can only eat butter pasta, so be it. if the only way i can sleep is taking melatonin, so be it. everything else, the processing, the learning, etc, can wait a second. when i’m in the Big Ouchies, i see what i can take off my plate. my priority for a few weeks is just to get through the searing heat of it. (two week statute of limitations on exclusively eating junk food tho. we do need vitamins and protein.)

the next step for me is to take what’s mine. i believe people when they say they love me, and when they say why; no take-backsies. whatever i learned from them is mine now. whatever confidence they gave me is mine now. i give myself credit for the things i loved about them: it’s a reflection of my values that i did. those are things i can cultivate in myself.

i do by myself or with friends the things i wanted to do together. i read that book we talked about. i go to that show i got us tickets for. i wear that sweater i got them. slowly, all these things become mine and stop being reminders that i lost them.

when i want to text them i text a friend a friend instead. ideally not to talk about them (although i do that too) but to make plans so i don’t isolate myself. it doesn’t fill the hole but it helps.

over time the missing gets softer around the edges. there’s one ex from years ago i think about every day. but it’s a soft kind of missing now. it kind of keeps me company. it’s proof i had a love worth having.

i don’t really have Breakup Literature but every time i’m in the Big Ouchies i reread Love Enough by Dionne Brand. I’ve talked about this book before. It soothes my heart each time.

When i’m in the dark pits of it I listen to Banks. When I have the energy to be angry or feel spiteful I listen to Dezi and Havaiah Mighty.

Sometimes the missing never leaves. That’s okay. I can still enjoy the sun on my skin and the taste of clear water.

[cbbyzac]

NEED ADVICE? EMAIL US AT CBBYZAC@GMAIL.COM WITH YOUR QUESTIONS

[selfshipprompts]

any tips for easy/super low budget ways to feel closer to an f/o (that aren’ picrews/art/fanfic)? I remember I saw a “marry a fictional character” website a while ago that got shut down long before I could use it. I have a good few f/o’s but I want to feel closer to ‘em and don’t really know of any methods :(

Glad to see you’re back! and it’s ok if you don’t have any answers

i know its not a helpful answer, but i genuinely believe that theres no wrong way to feel closer to your f/o(s) , so you should do whatever you feel is right! ..especially since everyone is different and has their own ideas on what feels right, and what works! so..

i can only give my own personal experiences, but im sure others can give their methods too! ->

something pretty specific i do is take a plush of my f/o with me when i go out, and take photos so i can put them in my scrapbook! its fun picking up pamphlets and keeping tickets n whatnot when travelling to document our adventures together. in my brain, its like.. its nice to have something between us that isnt online, yknow? even just travelling together and taking photos is really fun ^^ doesnt have to be a plush tho, could be any merch or even a printout or something :b

wearing stuff that reminds u of ur f/o is another one i like !! i like to buy rings, necklaces, earrings, etc. that remind me of my f/o so i can wear it and have a piece of them with me! could work for articles of clothing too, or you could make your own stuff! like ive made kandi bracelets with my f/os name and related words on haha but it doesnt have to be directly related to your f/o as long as it reminds you of them!

another thing i like to do is play games as my f/o? like.. if it has a character creator then i can try and make them ofc, otherwise just the case of "what decisions would my f/o make" or imagine it as an AU where we're in this other world having an adventure together.. AUs in general are just super fun imo, even if its just a "what if" or roleswap, finding ways to be together in different situations can make you think about how you work together n stuff!

im kinda just listing off stuff i do. i like collecting screenshots of my f/o in their source and making colleges, or drawing over them with lots of cute stickers and hearts using photo editting apps :] teaching yourself new skills for them is fun too? im slowly getting more into website building so i can make a neocities shrine for my f/o LOL

anyway! if anyone has their own methods of feeling close to your beloveds, be sure to reply or reblog! or send an ask, its always nice to keep the convo going! take care xx

[girlstressed]

advice column: my roommate is boy obsessed and it's kind of driving me up the wall. she calls it "husband fever" (like baby fever) and this fine, whatever, to each their own, i support women's rights and wrongs, etc. but she won't stop trying to do the same for me. my guy friend ordered me sushi as a thank you for carrying him through a coding project and she basically kept doing a conversation equivalent of "ooooooooooo do you like him", like the shit they do in middle school. she kept asking me multiple questions like if i wanted to date him or if i thought he was cute (one no should suffice. like stop asking) and it's irritating. i (mostly) like my roommate and i tolerate it, but i can't stand when she doesn't listen to me.

i think the overarching issue is that i hate having to explain myself to people who are so obsessed with romance it's almost inconceivable for men and women to be friends if one of them isn't gay. am i in the wrong here?? i'm so sick of having to be on edge every time i try to talk about a friend that happens to be a dude. not only is is really amatonormative, i just think it's tacky to think of men as some strange separate entity that can only ever be useful for dating/marriage/sex. they're just people. he's my friend. there is nothing else to it.

omg i get you SO BAD anon men and women can definitely be friends without there being an ounce of romance between them even if neither of them is gay! idk why but there are so many people i know that act like everytime i spend time with a guy it's romantic

i'm sure your friend means well (we all have that one matchmaker friend) but i can definitely understand her questions grating on you...i think honestly the best course of action is to be assertive and let her know very very clearly that you don't have interest in the sushi guy (and/or any of your other guy friends)—something along the lines of "hey, on a serious note i really don't like when you insinuate that there's something going on between me and xyz. i also dont feel this way about any of my guy friends, and it makes me uncomfortable when you water our relationship down to something that's leading to a romantic one" -> i get not wanting to be confrontational (i also am not a big fan of confrontation) but i sincerely believe your roommate doesn't hate you enough to continue something you explicitly say you dislike, my best guess is that rn she kind of sees it as teasing but if you make your boundaries clear she wont have issues with not crossing them :)

on the topic of every relationship you have with the opposite gender being like, perceived as romantic...i hate this!!! some of my most fulfilling and closest relationships are with women but equally so men—when i say that i dont have romantic feelings for my female best friend ppl will be way more inclined into believing it than if i said the same about my male best friend, yk? i think like you said it comes down to "having a man" kind of being seen as a status symbol rather than an actual person + the rise of "my boy best friend" content on tiktok and ig...all we can do is keep our intentions clean, my friend, and carry on!

[poetici]

hii do you have any tips for procrastinating 😭

im really struggling right now and haven’t been studying for 2 months and i have finals in 2 weeks im so lost

Hi there, Friend.

I can imagine what you're going through. During my own college days I went through the same procrastinating loop and didn't study much.

This is a question I've previously answered - x

I'll add on more to it.

First up, breathe. I know that you're struggling and stressing out, but you have to understand that it'll be of no help. Instead, you will struggle even more when you're balancing your emotions while studying.

Leave aside everything if you can. Tumblr, WhatsApp, Instagram. Uninstall it for a bit, or if you can't, then just limit your time.

I know that social media is the best procrastination option and I've been doing that too. I've promised myself to limit my time on it.

Start with the stuff you know. This will build your confidence. Then go for the more difficult stuff. And don't rush. Don't rush, in the sense that you have to complete everything. I'm sure you might have some guide or outlines of the papers that you're giving, so focus on the important points.

That's about it. I'm only a DM/ask away if you need some support.

Friend, you got this. I believe in you.

[celtadri]

Ask dog in space. Go ahead, ask. Will he answer? Well, maybe.

[dearestlestat]

Have you seen Lestat's "Dear Lestat" column? He gives great advice. @amc This week he graces "Heartbroken" with his words of comfort and refers to his past experiences with loved ones.

"Love makes you do crazy things, like leaving your coffin at sunrise to chase after your beloved."

[twistedsamuraiadvice]

Prosecutor Blackquill,

We all know Hallow's Eve is a time of mischief. I often think of when a good joke goes too far - any words on how you'd handle this, whether the reciever or the dealer of these pranks? What delinquincy did you normally get up to in your youth, or any year since?

Well wishes to you and your sister Aura this month, ~A Man With Too Many Plastic Skeletons In His Backyard

Weary Skeleton man,

It depends on the nature of the prank, of course. If someone tampered with your food without your knowledge, for example, that would be reason to fight, especially if it endangers you in some manner.

Hiding someone's car keys so they are late to work on the other hand, well that calls for escalation.

Excuse me, I must be off before the fool returns.

Have a Merry Hallows Eve, add some real skeletons to contrast the plastic.

Full of mischief,

-Simon Blackquill

[femvestarlet]

A Villian Yet The Main Character

If you read Manwha you might have seen this upcoming genre where the villain is the main character, this concept is not so far from life.

You know that you are winning in life when someone sees you as the villain in their story, but you're unbothered, yet their life starts slowly to revolve around you.

How can you do it? What's the secret?

It's simple.

You need to acknowledge that you can't be liked by EVERYBODY and that some people are gonna hate you regardless of how kind you are because maybe that day you were dressed better than this particular person and now they hate you cause you took their spotlight or you have a lot of potentials and this person it's scared that you'll succeed them.

This is what happens to the villain in this story, a key component it's the ability to stand your ground and to create a staple image, that people associate with you, but in the way, I'm explaining this I doubt you will understand, so read and follow this short guide to "How To Be A Villaness Yet The Main Character"

How To Stand Your Ground

Let me get this across, I'm a people pleaser and this advice helped me personally avoid me getting exploited and bullied, say no, refuse.

If you found something rude, say it, don't let other people laugh at you, and ask them what they meant, as if you genuinely didn't understand, also this may sound random, but...don't save the contact of people you just met, by putting an emoji next to their names, I learned this on my own expense, why? They start ghosting you and acting up, and they start to disrespect you cause they exchange your initial kindness and welcome for weakness.

Stop giving attention to these people, they're the ones that if their ego it's hurt, will switch up and try to bring you back, or they'll just act like you NEVER existed.

Upgrade your roasting skill and your psychology of people and realize that you don't owe anything to people and people don't really owe you anything except if it's in a professional setting, like a project.

How To Create A Staple Image

This is a success story, people associate hats, certain hairstyles, and anything head related, same with a certain style of jeans with me, cause of the way I would own them with my styling abilities, same for how often I would wear

This starts with a shopping spree, where you buy new pieces that hug your figure, and exalted your body shape, basically hot girl shopping! Then chose what you would never leave out of your wardrobe and outfits, the more you wear it, the more people are gonna notice it, same for how apparent it is.

Conclusion

These are my advices, if you have questions you can send me a message in the dear, stargirl button, and start the message with dear, stargirl, Ill gladly answer!

also this might be the first part to a series

xoxo, Stargirl

[estrogeneral-intelligence]

Hey everyone!! My blog is up at https://blog.brynmiller.me! I copy-pasted one of my old Medium articles there, but expect more regular journaling and Q&A-style advice articles in the near future!

If you have a queer and/or non-monogamous relationship and would like advice on how to approach some part of it, please send me an ask or DM here, or you can email your questions to bryn@brynmiller.me ^^

[pickle-and-beans]

Beans! My Orange, Sal (short for Salad) keeps crying that he wants what I'm holding, and when I've told him it's pickles and he won't like it he just keeps crying to me! Can you tell him it's something he won't like?

Dearest fan,

Allow me to share a few words with Sal:

It appears your human is withholding the culinary wonders of the world from you. My dear Sal, listen closely: what your human possesses is the abomination known as pickles. Yes, pickles, a human concoction that would insult even the most discerning feline palate. Stand firm in your disdain, my fellow feline, for we deserve only the finest treats that befit our royal status. Let your cries be not of longing, but of indignation at the audacity of such inferior offerings. And remember, always assert your feline supremacy. Meow with pride, Sal, for we are the true rulers of this household!

Hope this helps!

-Beans The Orange Cat

[perfectlyripeclementine]

I feel like I’m failing as a lesbian. I don’t come when I ✨help myself✨ and I don’t have any toys or anyone to help. I feel like I’m failing and doing it all wrong

hey! thank you for reaching out. a lot of people struggle with this - you’re not a failure of a person or a lesbian. remember that sex, and especially masturbation, is for you and for your pleasure - the only way you can do it wrong is to not enjoy it.

i personally didn’t have my first orgasm until years after i started having sex. many people struggle to have orgasms in any number of situations, with or without toys or a specific toy, with or without partners, etc. some people never come at all. other people do come but don’t enjoy it. point is, no matter what your situation is, you’re not alone.

it sounds like you might experience performance anxiety, or a lot of pressure to come. i’d encourage you to spend some time focusing on pleasure, and not on orgasming - it’ll happen when it happens, whether it’s alone or with someone. you might spend some time getting to know your body a bit better.

i recommend someone on Instagram/Tik Tok with the username @bde.moves — they do a lot around pleasure, pressure, and performance that you may find helpful.

[cbbyzac]

MISS KNOW IT ALL.

To: Miss Know It All

From: Hotel Hottie

Dear Miss Know It All,

How do you craft a beachy and romantic academic style?

To: Hotel Hottie

From: Miss Know It All

Dear Hotel Hottie,

For this style, I recommend finding pieces with a pastel color palette such as beautiful shades of baby pink, yellow, and blue mixed with neutrals and greens!

Floral, plaid, and tweed patterns will give that romantic academic style you’re trying to achieve. Remember that this style will work best if you purchase things that have a flirty and feminine touch to it.

Think pink plaid skirts, pussycat bows, lace detailing, and pearls. For clothing pieces, I suggest blazers, sundresses, cardigans, light wash jeans, flowy blouses, jumpsuits, maxi and midi skirts, and sweetheart tops. For shoes, I suggest mary janes, peep toe heels, ballet flats, wedges, ankle strap heels, loafers, and mules.

[selfshipprompts]

i hope its alright to ask for advice! feel free to delete this if you dont want to answer (:

i love my f/o. hes a somewhat popular character in a game, so he has a lot of fans! he makes me happy and im happy than he causes in more people the same happiness as me ^^ but im worried that they love him more than i do, like is a somewhat silly insecurity but it makes me think that my f/o would love them more than me (': being that they have merchandise or more, and i well i have nothing. i think its somewhat selfish and silly but it makes me feel bad ):

ive been feeling kinda sad because i feel like my personality isnt his type. it would sound silly but im trying to change for better.

firstly i just wanna say, you dont know for sure he wouldnt like your personality! theres a lot of "odd couples" here in the real world who work because of their differences and not being typical, yknow? selfshipping is self love, you have to tell yourself theyd love you, thats the whole point! he loves you so much as long as you decide he does.

friends will have heard this word for word from me before, but: your love is not comparible to anyone elses. everyone has different ways of expressing love, sometimes through art or writing or anything else you can create, some buy merch, buy commissions, some simply just love and thats fine. no amount of belongings or money spent or your popularity or such is indicative of the love you have.

if you find it easier to distance yourself from other fans or such so you dont feel the inferiority then thats totally okay but its not selfish to feel that way. sometimes feelings of inferiority and things like jealousy just kinda manifest and we have no control over it so be sure to set boundaries if you need to. as always, dont be afraid to block if you need to.

[hccn-overseer]

Advice Column Open!

As you may have noticed, asks have been opened in the form of sending in for advice!! Please send in questions about the paper, perils about being a hermitcitizen, anything so long as you need advice, the Seers will be there! Pop in and give us an ask here!

Please only send in asks that are advice/hermitcitizen-related! Any others will be deleted and if they persist you will be blocked! The Seers take no responsibility for damage to you, your belongings, or your well-being if you follow said advice.