#my veins are filled with stories of survival. ( memes )

[hiddensteel]

tag drop because they all got lost :c

[resurrecticn-a]

grrlpower comic sentence starters 1 / ??

a list of sentence starters compiled of quotes from the webcomic grrlpower. taken from strips august 23rd to december 27th. feel free to change pronouns or anything else to fit your muse better.

“ good game tonight, i've got to get to my other job. ” “ be safe and save the world. ” “ superhero comics haven’t changed much considering there actually are superheroes now. ” “ his only weakness - neckbeards! ” “ no way, he'd be defeated in the first issue! ” “ apparently anyone with superpowers is fantastically photogenic. ” “ pffft — i don’t know about that. ” “ i take it you’ve seen a super then? ” “ ___ , has anyone ever told you that you’re an atrocious liar? ” “ yeah, all the time! ” “ its not a compliment. ” “ i am suspicious of your sudden interest in book keeping. ” “ hang on, let me check with ___ about something. ” “ HEY ___ , IS MURDER STILL ILLEGAL? ” “ maybe that's what she wants you to think. ” “ STOP OPENING THE MERCHANDISE! ” “ you do that often with our merchandise? ” “ the perception of new is the same thing as new. ” “ okay, you're not in charge of marketing anymore. ” “ when was i ever?! ” “ HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND! ” “ wow, i'm convinced. ” “ it's not like my boob popped out or anything. ” “ dad got lucky with twins. ” “ it was like a god danged sitcom growing up. ” “ mom will you stop with the damn laugh track?! ” “ my house, my rules! ”

[aithreachas]

                                  — my veins are filled with stories of survival — 

ATREUS MELCHOR / PRIVATE & SELECTIVE original character. written by — Harley ( 28 | they / them )

established 02/2015 — rebooted 04/2022 SLOW ACTIVITY & runs on queue. — tracking #aithreachas a great lover of ANGST, PLOTTING & INBOX MEMES multiverse & multiship

                                             — RULES — ABOUT — VERSES —

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP Meme from "Chapter One: Caliah (Lore)" in the Bastet breedbook from "Werewolf: The Apocalypse"

Once there was a cat who dreamed he was a man.

Like the morning mist, she appeared from nowhere, or so it seemed.

The winds have spoken of your dilemma and I have come to show you the way home.

Why do you call me brother?

We are family.

We have different parents but share the same blood.

You need to meet your people

You are my sister

I have no other family. Don’t leave me!

We all have family

What are the dreams of a cat?

Let us welcome each other and speak of hidden things.

If they come in peace, we welcome them.

I’m just a mutt.

Listen up and listen close, ‘cause this isn’t stuff you’ll hear from any old place.

I’ve got friends with friends, if y’know what I mean, and this is good stuff.

They don’t get along, y’know.

A good lorespeaker tells different stories every time, and she makes ‘em as cool as possible.

Sound like anyone we know? Nah! Couldn’t be!

So how do you trade secrets, anyway? After all, isn’t a secret shared a secret lost?

If you don’t play the game, you don’t learn a thing.

Each element of the message becomes a metaphor, and the message becomes a story.

Florid? Hell yeah! But ya gotta admit it’s more graceful — and exposes a hell of a lot less — than blurting out the truth.

You might say, “I heard a story about so-and-so” but you’d never say “I did so-and-so.” If your audience has a clue, they’ll catch on.

Everything’s told in metaphors.

A good obtuse metaphor makes you look imaginative if someone gets it, really stupid otherwise.

Everything is larger than life. People don’t just cry, they “explode in showers like the sea.” Folks don’t just get mad, they “turn into coals that burn through the floor.”

If what you’re saying is important, bigger is better.

Simple? Not if you don’t get the lingo.

A wounded cat can surrender without disgrace.

Not enough to go around.

Hey, don’t let on you know what I told you, huh?

It was a time before life, a longing when the dream of birth was yet to be.

This marked the end of peace and the beginning of struggle.

Such promises are soon broken.

Why does even the skin of my daughter flee from my hands?

Why must I always be alone?

Master, what would you have of us?

Nothing exists for him but annihilation.

Go across the world

Let that which is pure stand whole, but erode that which is impure from within.

He tells many tales, but all of them are lies. He is rage made manifest, and he coils within us all.

There was no want, no war, no anguish, and all living things gave of themselves to help others exist.

Until some cataclysm happened, everything lived in peace and plenty.

Life has ever been a struggle, my brothers and sisters. Life has always meant that some may die for others’ pleasure.

That pleasure may be as necessary as hunger or as frivolous as sport, but it has always been fatal and always will be.

Only through struggle can we progress.

Only through sacrifice can we succeed.

We were born from conflict and we grow through adversity. Our ancestors are predators, great cats and human hunters who rose above their surroundings and mastered them.

We know our place in the Great Order, and it is not passive.

Like the moon, our world waxes and wanes.

Each era glows brightly, then fades into night before rising again as some new age.

As creatures of light, dark and twilight all, we are not moved much by the vagaries of fortune.

Each tribe has its creation story, and they differ in many ways.

I have my own ideas.

We are a breed eternally apart, and we are rare.

Water runs silent, yet crushes with the power of an elephant.

Its depths hold secrets that only the brave can find.

The first of our kind were nearly the last.

Those it caught were devoured.

Let this be your legacy

My tears, shed for you, will boil in your veins.

All people will fear you, and all animals, too.

Begone and tend the flocks that need killing.

I banish you from sight!

They still live on in us, and we carry their curse to this day.

As the humans prospered, they grew quickly out of hand.

It was a bloody, useless time, and we fractured as a people.

Secrets became the only thing to bind us.

It’s hard to forgive these raging bastards.

Very territorial, and I know how that feels.

There are enough horrors in the night already.

Corruption has a million voices; sometimes they drown out the song of the moon and lead us over cliffs.

That song wails from nightclubs, boom boxes and televisions every day.

Stop up your ears, my friend and listen to the wind.

Those secrets led the wolves to our door — literally.

Gods damn the dogs for that!

Their misbegotten crusade killed hundreds of our Kind and Kin.

She mated with serpents, wolves and great cats in an effort to become like them, but gave birth to monsters instead.

Some legends portray her as one of our kind, but we know this isn’t so.

If the tales I’ve heard are any measure, they have no pity for us at all.

We are where we are born.

I think our unique insights show us that humanity is a mixed blessing — especially where the earth and the wild are concerned.

Men are the cleverest monkeys, no doubt, but they don’t have much sense of self-preservation.

Our forebears fought to let humanity prosper.

We have an amazing world at our fingertips, but it’s filled with poisons and lies.

Honor seems to be a fading dream in lands where the rich starve their people and the poor kill each other.

We hold magic within ourselves, within our hearts and minds and spirits. To dishonor ourselves is to disperse that magic and scatter our souls.

It’s acceptable to lie to other creatures; they’re not of our blood and not bound by our laws.

We will flee to survive a fight, but will not run when others depend on our strength.

We must make restitution to those we deceive, in deeds, trade or money.

We may be exiled or branded.

Our weapons are many — secrets, claws, teeth and allies — and we will not hesitate to employ them for our world’s

survival.

Our people have walked too close to extinction for us to take such matters lightly.

We will not ally ourselves with shadow powers or drink corrupted wisdom.

We do not fail our Earth and mother. That path leads to death.

We are the keepers of secrets, and our fates depend on silence.

Each of us bears the hidden doom of our own people, and we know the cost of betraying that trust.

We also know that we have what others want — or what they think they want — and it amuses us to make them squirm.

Our knowledge is our concern.

We will not share it unless we wish to.

We will hide ourselves from outsiders; they will think they know us, but we will delude them.

We will wrap our lore in riddles and tales; let the clever ones puzzle out their meaning.

We will act as if we know even more than we do, for it keeps outsiders guessing.

Let them wonder at our insight; they value us more highly when they do.

We will cover our tracks with misdirection, pretend to be other than what we are, fill the air with idle rumors and hide messages in code.

There is no forgiveness for this crime.

Well, let’s just say I know what I’ve seen. And I’ve seen a lot.

His eyes were so filled with pain that I decided to help out.

I’d swear he was grinning as the semi ran him down.

That felt good.

Guess they’ve gotta live here, too.

I say they’re not as smart as they might think.

Maybe I’m the one who’s being fooled.

I could tell you stories all night, all week, all month and more.

As the temples rose and the hordes crossed through, our parents sat on the sidelines of history and observed the passing of kings.

The cultures we witnessed shaped our own ways.

Cities rose, each with secrets too tempting to ignore.

For a long time — 4,000 years — there was all the room in the world for us, and no lack of secrets to keep us entertained.

We should have seen the signs in the Classical Age, when armies swept across the land in the names of gods, kings and conquerors.

We should have met en masse when trade and crusades brought East and West together.

I will not belabor the point. We know what happened.

Explorers, slavers and great white hunters bounded into the wilderness and cast a chain around our kind.

Suddenly, we went from having all space to having little.

I can’t say I don’t share the sentiment just a bit.

We didn’t stop until a greater evil forced us to align, but that’s another story.

It’s a wonder anyone survived.

We studied their secrets, but could learn nothing from them.

We have no one to blame but ourselves.

For all our vaunted sight, we’re blind. For all our gathered lore, we’re stupid.

The world is falling apart.

I don’t know whether to believe it or not, but we are living in interesting times!

We must pool our secrets, combine our efforts, and bring the world’s secrets to light.

We must act on what we discover and disperse what we learn.

Do I lose my cool?

The modern age is the greatest puzzle we could want endless streams of secrets, enigmas, wonders and dazzles, wrapped up in an explosive package that could blow us all to hell.

Anywhere, at any time, the whole ride could fly off the rails.

Those who ignore the warning feed the vultures the next morning.

I’ll simply say the tigers are not where you’d expect.

People have begun to open their eyes, but they still need your counsel to see the cliff’s edge before falling off

Those stories are true — violently true — and they add up to an appalling picture if you string them all together.

They get an idea, work on it a bit, and try to rule the world. Typical. We’ve seen their kind before.

Look around you if you doubt it.

Surely the secrets you’ve uncovered have given you the idea that maybe, just maybe, something’s going on, something bigger than another plunder, another invasion, another city that falls to ruin in a century.

Discover what you can, but bury your tracks well.

We’re strangers to each other for most of our lives, and we like it that way — a few careful gatherings are all we

can stand.

The moon is our patron, but the shadows are our father too, and they call to us at our weaker moments.

Most of us dance on the edge, though, and that’s where we like to be!

Despite our pains, we’re spirited and wild, inquisitive yet careful, sensual yet refined.

Our beauty is our greatest pride, and our wits are second to none.

We know what we are.

To hell with them all!

Still, we cannot let pride blind us to the facts.

The morning it foretells is up to us.

We must come together, yet retain our pride.

We are the keepers of secrets.

Perhaps it’s time those secrets were revealed.

[mushi-shield]

reason why I really love Tom McDonald music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6FmwBPDT-w  "People So Stupid"

What a contradiction, being human is so tragic Focus on minorities, ignoring all the masses Hallelujah, everyone, activism saved the planet No more plastic straws in paper Just paper straws wrapped in plastic, congratulations

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxJtX081jj4   "WHITEBOY"

I would never hate a man for what God gave him in pigments And I would never plot against him just because he is different I would never judge a human for the cards he was given or Call them lesser than myself 'cause of the race that he's mixed with

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omMpqbuyDdc   "Straight White Male"

Fine, y'all don't gotta be my friends Y'all don't gotta like white men Y'all don't gotta hold my hand Y'all don't gotta have my back Y'all don't gotta, y'all don't gotta, y'all don't gotta, uh Y'all don't gotta see my side Y'all don't gotta be down to ride Y'all don't gotta do anything but ghost And I'mma do me even when it's the most, yeah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ita4g_oDyns  "Politically Incorrect"

Don't let 'em censor your thoughts Don't let 'em make you regret that you talked Don't let 'em tell you that nice is the law Tryna make you all right here when nothing is wrong, yeahWords hurt you, clothes hurt you Memes hurt you, jokes hurt you, we hurt you Half the time you don't even probably know what hurt you But you super mad, trust we heard you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHBMbZdCpSk  "Cancelled"

I don't care if you mad at me, okay? Go ahead and change the channel Don't waste your time tryna cancel me, okay? They love me 'cause they know that I'm an asshole Say what you want, I guess it is what it is Haters can talk but they can't cancel the kid Go 'head and go off, try and say this is it But I swear to God, you can't cancel the kid

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2l6JUNFAJ9o  "Fake Woke"

Use violence to get peace and wonder why it isn't working That's like sleeping with a football team to try and be a virgin Politicians are for sale and someone always makes the purchase But you and I cannot afford it, our democracy is worthless If a man has mental illness call him crazy, say it silently When country's going crazy we accept it as society

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t86ClLM3ZGY  "NO LIVES MATTER"

Freedom's dead, if you have an opinion, take it back (facts) People hate the president, if you don't then you trash (facts) Indoctrinate the nation using news and mainstream rap (facts) The government abuses us, it's all part of the plan (facts)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2K1xQOp4qo  "White Trash"

This is for my white trash, the ones the whole world hate The ones who voted for Trump, got labeled racist but ain't The ones with ball caps, "Make America Great" Who love their country to death Who struggle on minimum wageAyy, they angry about illegal aliens Takin' work that maybe they could get Single parents with some baby kids Hated for being a patriot All my life, I've been white trash All my life, it's been like that The whole world been left leanin' I'm proud of the right who fight backBeen chewed up and spit out They scream but no one listens They're so in love and vote for Trump 'cause fuck a politician They're our neighbors They're our soldiers, our men and women and children They're middle class families who got forgot by the systemUh, in God we trust and all the guns are just backup Rockin' camouflage, don't tread on me, get smoked like tobacco Yeah, we're white trash, we rednecks, crackers since we were young We grew close, we move slow, these colors don't run

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gT5DpOiQ_WA   "Fake Fans" (DISS) 

Look, I ain't changing for a buck, I ain't changing for a fan I ain't changing nothing up, this is who the fuck I am If you fuck with me, I'll hope that y'all enjoy it Beware of all the fake fans trying to destroy it, yeahI ain't switching it up, I am the man that I was Way before I blew up and everyone fell in love Never once gave a fuck, been doing me from the jump And I will never become the man that you wish I was

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeb7bVA3pjE   "Im Sorry"

Sorry, that doesn't bother me I don't owe anybody an apology I don't have no regrets in my biology Reload and shoot for the stars, y'all look like astronomy No one as hot as me, copy me commonly Wannabes, y'all are so shockingly comedy Carry the weight of my songs all on top of me I will not break, I'm not made out of potteryBury your bodies on acres of property Place them at angles like sacred geometry Down with modesty Everything I drop is quality Promise, like honestly, follow me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83Ntpeih4f4&t=236s  "Buttholes"

Someone's always gonna hate you no matter what Might as well just be yourself and let people think you suck Opinions are like buttholes, everyone got one they cover up And all you gotta do is follow through When you're yelling that you don't give a fuckI ain't letting anyone piss in my Cornflakes Stay the hell out my face, and I will stay out of your way I know that life is cruel, and lately it ain't fair at all You hate your job, your phone is lost, there's evil men and racist cops Yeah, I don't care if you are black or white or gay or straight Or old or young or smart or dumb or where you're from or what you make The only thing I care about is living like I'm not afraid Of dying while I'm sleeping, so I seize it while I'm still awakeWe're so angry, hating everyone we don't know We can't even take a joke, we should really let it go And be happy, stop talking shit on our phones And blocking everyone we know, we've been being buttholes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueyNLoRWdao  "American Dreamz"

We're distracted by free porn and compilation videos of puppies and kittens While our children use the internet to bully one another and then purchase ammunition So addicted to your phone that you ignore the kids and never give them any supervision So they learn to build a bomb with things you keep inside your kitchen and you wonder how they ended up with life inside of prison We mourned a dead gorilla, but don't care when it's a person, we're forgetting that we're human We're angry that chickens are being locked up in cages and then forget we do the same to kids in our institutions When they ask you about stupid shit, you tell 'em they should Google it Then you wonder why the troubled youth are homicidal lunatics You think it's tragic when a shooter killed a student But then say it's all a plan for them to change the constitution

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ4tAbwi31I  "Castles"

  Everybody's got a story; if you look a little closer, you can see it in the wrinkles in their face They can hide it in the silence, they can bury it and fight it, but it comes out when their hair is turning grey You can feel it if you touch 'em, you can tell that they are troubled, you can hear the story running through their veins We all travel different roads, and we put on different clothes; underneath it all, we're really all the same

Everybody has a tale that they're too afraid to tell, you can see it in the cracks in their hands They can cover it with smiles; if you walk a couple miles in their shoes, then you'll know where they stand Everyone who really lived had to climb out of a ditch they were in before they found the right path If you wanna know the truth about what we've been going through, then try to put your phone away so you can ask

We've all got problems, and we all feel alone We've all been haunted by the secrets we hold We could fill our coffins with the rocks they have thrown Or we could build our castles with the sticks and the stones We've all got problems, and we all feel alone We've all been haunted by the secrets we hold We could fill our coffins with the rocks they have thrown Or we could build our castles with the sticks and the stones

We are the neighbors that you'll never meet We are the strangers walking down your street We are a million faces in the crowd We are the ones the system's tearing down We are the people working to survive We are more than just our nine-to-fives We are the shopping malls and streetcars We are one, it's time to tell 'em just who we are

[yuexuan]

Fic Tag Guide

I’m not the most conscientious when it comes to providing warnings and basic information in my fic recs. So I thought I’ll create a guide about the common tags used for CN fiction summaries/tag systems.

Disclaimer: This is not all-encompassing and most of them are drawn from my reading of danmei novels (although tag application may extend beyond the danmei circle). I tried grouping them under similar tags, but know that these groupings are not set in stone. Feel free to let me know if I’ve missed anything!

Additionally, please check out Link 1 and Link 2 who have also done similar posts.

🌸 🌸 🌸

古代/古风 (Gǔdài/Gǔfēng) “ancient times/ancient style” - Stories set in historical timeline or contain historical elements

武侠 (Wǔxiá) “martial heroes” - Heroic stories focus on martial arts; may or may not integrate more fantastical elements.

仙侠 (Xiānxiá) “immortal heroes” - Fics falling under the xianxia genre typically draw heavily from Chinese mythology/folklore, Taoism, Buddhism, mixed with some martial arts. The concept of ‘cultivation’ (修仙 Xiūxiān) to achieve immortality is central to this genre. Fics are usually set in historical periods.

民国 (Minguo) “Republic of China” - Fics with backgrounds set in the time period of the Republic of China/Minguo Era (~1912-1949). Stories under this category tend to include a lot of tragedies, wars, complicated politics, and anti-Japanese sentiments. I tend to avoid minguo fics, but of the few ones I read, the trope of a military officer (军官 Jūnguān) falling in love with an opera actor (sometimes derogatorily referred to as 戏子 Xìzi) is quite popular.

宫廷 (Gōngtíng) “imperial court” - Fics focused on imperial court drama.

玄幻 (Xuánhuàn) “fantasy” - Stories with elements of Chinese mythology/folklore. Note that xuanhuan novels are NOT limited to historical settings.

魔幻 (Móhuàn) “magical realism” - A genre of novels incorporating ‘magical realism’ (think Lord of the Rings). Alternatively, another term 奇幻 (Qíhuàn) is also commonly employed.

西幻 (Xī huàn) ‘Western fantasy’ - This is sometimes used interchangeably with Móhuàn, but can also refer to general stories with Western-fantasy/folklore elements (e.g. vampires/werewolves). Alternatively, the term 欧风 (Ōufēng) - ‘European style’ may be used.

🌸 🌸 🌸

现代/都市情缘 (Xiàndài/dūshì qíngyuán) “modern day/urban love” - Fics set in the contemporary era/within urban setting.

豪门 (Háomén) “wealthy elite” - Featuring one or more characters originating from wealth. A common trope is the ‘Cinderella’-esque dynamic where a commoner gets noticed by a rich dude and is embroiled into the conflicts of the rich.

娱乐圈/演艺圈 (Yúlè quān/yǎnyì quān) “entertainment/showbiz” - Stories where the characters are actors/celebrities. A common trope is the ‘Cinderella’ dynamic where an unpopular artist (e.g. 十八线艺人 ‘18th-line artist’) gets into a relationship with a top-tier celebrity (e.g. 影帝/一线明星 ‘1st-line celebrity’)

网络/网游/网配 (Wǎngluò/wǎngyóu/wǎng pèi) “Internet/online games/online matching” - Characters in the fic develop their relationship through the web. Entails a lot of chat-speak and web memes. A common trope involves the main pairing meeting each other online and in real life, but not knowing their alternative web ego until the Big Reveal.

军文/军旅生涯 (Jūn wén/jūnlǚ shēngyá) “military adventures/life” - Characters are part of the military, usually involves power couple dynamics.

职场 (Zhíchǎng) “workplace” - Office-setting fics. A related category is 霸道总裁 (Bàdào zǒngcái) “domineering CEO”  featuring the popular trope of a possessive, rich, and popular CEO with his partner

校园 (Xiàoyuán) “campus” - Romantic slice of life stories set on campuses.

🌸 🌸 🌸

未来世界 (Wèilái shìjiè) “future world” - Fics set in futuristic timeline

末日/末世 (Mòrì/mòshì) “doomsday” - Fics with apocalyptic-settings; usually contain survival-focused plots

丧尸 (Sàngshī) “zombies” - Usually survival-oriented fics with zombies

星际 (Xīngjì) “interstellar” - Fics set in outer space and alien planets. A common plot features the conflicts between the ‘Federation’ (i.e. 联邦 Liánbāng) vs. the ‘Empire’ (i.e. 帝国 Dìguó). May or may not include a third party: the ‘worm/insect species’ (虫族 Chóngzú).

机甲 (Jījiǎ) “mecha” - Futuristic fics where mecha with virtual personalities are prominent features.

🌸 🌸 🌸

盗墓 (Dàomù) “tomb-raiding” - A specific genre dealing with tomb-raiding adventures and hauntings.

灵异 (Língyì) “supernatural” - Self-explanatory

悬疑推理 (Xuányí tuīlǐ) “mystery” - Suspense and mystery

探险 (Tànxiǎn) “adventure” - Self-explanatory

无限流 (Wúxiàn liú) “Infinite flow/style” - This genre of fics is all inclusive; i.e. including elements from sci-fi, history, religion, myth, game, animation etc. where characters enter into different settings. A common example is where the characters are forced into a game in which they have to pass through multiple levels/settings in order to survive. For more details on this genre and their sub-division, please see here.

🌸 🌸 🌸

重生穿越 (Chóngshēng chuānyuè) “rebirth and transmigration” - The main protagonist died and is transmigrated either back in time or into another dimension or timeline. Alternative/related tags that you might see include:

穿书/快穿/系统  (Chuān shū/kuài chuān/xìtǒng) “book transmigration/quick transmigration/system” - System specifically refers to the transmigrator having an internal system that interacts with them in their new body. Think RPG style games lol

金手指 (Jīn shǒuzhǐ) “golden finger(s)” - A common trope in transmigration novels where the transmigrator is gifted with talents/powers that allow them to thrive in the new world.

前世今生 (Qiánshì jīnshēng) ‘past and present” - Characters continuing their relationships from their past lives.

破镜重圆 (Pòjìng chóngyuán) lit. translated as “re-rounding the broken mirror” - Fix-it reunion stories

异能 (Yì néng) “special abilities” - Characters with special abilities/superpowers/mutants

🌸 🌸 🌸

甜文 (Tián wén) “sweet fic” - Fics that are filled with fluff and tooth-rotting sweetness.

种田 (Zhòngtián) “farming” - Piece of life, fluffy stories featuring the main couple; often takes place in rural areas (hence the whole farm image lol)

爽文 (Shuǎng wén) “satisfactory or feel-good fic” - The whole point of this type of fic is that the readers feel good after reading it. A common trope is a revenge style plot where the main protagonist regains what they lost through taking revenge on those who had wronged them.

沙雕文 (Shādiāo wén) “silly fic/crack” - Homonym for ‘傻屌’ (Shǎ diǎo; silly/stupid); these fics are not intended to be serious

美食文 (Měishí wén) “food fic” - As the tag suggest, don't read this type of fic on an empty stomach lol

虐文 (Nüè wén) “angst fic” - Self-explanatory

🌸 🌸 🌸

ABO “alpha/beta/omega” - Self-explanatory; you can read the fanlore here

哨兵向导 (Shàobīng xiàngdǎo) “sentinel-Guides” - Based on the original Sentinel fandom (see fanlore here).

兽人 (Shòurén) “beast/anthros” - Similar to abo. Males (雄兽 Xióng shòu) are capable of transforming between an animal and a human, whereas “females” (雌兽 Cí shòu) retain the human form and can get pregnant. There may also be the beta, in this case referred to as 亚兽 (Yà shòu) who can neither transform nor get pregnant/difficult to impregnate. Usually set in some prehistoric era and entails the protagonist transmigrating into this world as a “female”. In the same vein, for the interstellar insect species, some fics developed the male, female, and sub-insects trope.

哥儿 (Gē er) - A ge er is similar to an omega, basically men who can get pregnant and are marked by a flower shaped pattern on the forehead. I’ve only come across 3-4 fics with this trope and all of them are set in the historical era where the ge er tends to be very feminine. If anyone has any more info on this trope, let me know!

🌸 🌸 🌸

攻宠受 (Gōng chǒng shòu) “top pampering the bottom” - The top in the relationship will care very well for the bottom. The opposite would be 受宠攻 (Shòu chǒng gōng) “bottom pampering the top”. Alternatively, the writer might just mark it as 宠文 (Chǒng wén) “pampering fic” in general.

年下 (Nián xia) - Younger top and older bottom; one common phrase you might encounter describing the younger top is 小狼狗 (Xiǎo lánggǒu) or “little German Shepherd”, referring to handsome and domineering young man.

On the note of dogs, you might also see 小奶狗 (Xiǎo nǎi gǒu) “unweaned puppies) referring to cute and soft young men, and 二哈 (Èr hā) “dumb husky” referring to silly characters

年上 (Nián shàng) - Older top and younger bottom

As a warning, age gaps in these types of fics can sometimes be large depending on the context, and could overlap with more controversial, dubcon genres 

师生 (Shī shēng) “teacher-student” - Fics featuring the relationship between teacher and student

师徒 (Shī tú) “master-disciple” - Fics featuring the relationship between the master in a martial/cultivation sect and their disciple

[theharellan]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: stolen from @dansiere tagging: @ghiassan, @deathsreflection, @altuspavus, @windrunnerrs (velanna), @hopewrought, @willbeshot, @seahaloed (iron bull), @asterfed​ (noctis), @ anyone who wants to steal it! also multis feel free to choose a different character

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated (i’m open to roleplaying with non-dragon age characters, and have AUs for other fandoms)

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. solas is both wildly popular and wildly hated. he’s been more consistently popular than the controversial women in the series, like sera or vivienne, who have only recently begun to get to the point where their tags are less vitriolic (although i’m sure it’s still out there), but there’s still a sizable hatedom that can’t have his name breathed in their vicinity w/o them talking abt how much they hate him. even if you’re currently cosplaying him!

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. again, you have ppl who are super into him and ppl who think he’s ugly. my personal opinion is that i think he’s weirdly pretty, and wish ppl would commit more to his unconventional features rather than try to chisel him into sb more traditionally attractive and that ppl who don’t find him attractive would maybe chill w/ calling him ugly. find him unattractive by all means, but lets embrace the fact that inquisition let their love interests have skin flaws etc and accept that some won’t be our cups of tea.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. its hard to deny at this point tbh.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. frustrating as the hate in the tags he has enough fans that i couldnt say he’s underrated w/ a straight face.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO. he’s the reason the game starts with a bang and not the inevitable dissolution of the conclave b/c the sides are disparate.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. regardless of solas’ relationship with the inquisitor, there are parallels and contrasts in their stories and he also is the reason they survive inquisition.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. fen’harel is well-known and revered, if feared, among the dalish, yet at the same time he’s not remembered for a lot besides locking the gods away-- and the context of that decision has also been lost. as solas he’s relatively unknown until inquisition and especially trespasser.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. again, polarising!! he has loyal agents and people are willing to speak well of him despite everything, including his enemies sometimes (depending mostly on the inquisitor). 

How strictly do you follow canon?  — generally i try to have a canon basis for my interpretation, even if i interpret the text differently than the author.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  solas is an immortal who is simultaneously jaded and very much invested in the small moments of life. far from being weary of the day-to-day lives of ordinary people, it is systems and orders he is most tired of. he walks an interesting line that feels far less misanthropic than other immortal characters i’ve experienced, yet still he’s quite cynical. as a character who has fought against religious based tyranny before, but in a completely different era, he is in a unique position where what he sees around him is both horrifyingly familiar and yet completely new. it allows an exploration of the wrongs of thedas’ society from an outsider’s perspective. his motivations are complex and multifaceted, often condemnable and yet also understandable. his character arc in inquisition (if befriended, or regardless in the case of my solas) takes him from a dispassionate, disconnected antagonist to someone deeply invested in the people of thedas, deeply conflicted and actively hoping he will be proven wrong again. i think his story is a testament to human (or elven, or dwarven, or-) connection and how even when we resist we can’t resist creating bonds with the people in our lives. i personally see this bond going beyond the inquisitor hence why i play low-approval solas as conflicted as high-approval, if not when it comes to the inquisitor.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  solas is selfish and motivated solely by revenge, he’s clinging to a past that clearly no longer exists, if you ignore all the people from it who are still alive. he’s totally unaware of all his flaws and never owns up to any mistakes ever. no, i haven’t listened to a single word solas has said in my life why do you ask. he’s also critical of my faves which means he’s #cancelled, there is clearly no validity to what he’s saying. ksjdf no but in all seriousness i think a lot of reasons ppl don’t find solas interesting are just... weird readings of his character that sometimes have no basis in the text of inquisition, but also there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to not find him interesting. usually those ppl don’t like... talk abt how much they don’t find him interesting constantly tho. they just chill and aren’t invested in this particular villain. for one thing i think the game missed out on opportunities for exploring how someone who may not have even had a body at the beginning of his existence would feel about gender and sexuality, so making him presumably straight and cis was a boring choice. i also think that the dragon age games being very protagonist-centric hurts solas’ character, there’s no real reason why the inquisitor is the only one who can throw his plans into question but making the player the center of the universe means he’s not allowed to change due to the effects of other companions or NPCs. thank god this is rp and i do what i want.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  i have a history degree so when the inquisition companions were being teased, solas describing bias in primary sources from the memories he’s seen got me interested in him. but my first playthrough i didn’t actually take him with me all too often, i think my main party was dorian-blackwall-varric. i liked him, and i think he or dorian were my first friends in skyhold, but my initial interest was in other characters. between his dialogue that appealed to the historian in me tho and how his spirit opinions sort of turned everything i’d felt about spirits in the last two games on its head, i started vibing with him more the farther i went in. like merrill set me up for the “spirits are people” thing and solas hit it out of the park. then temple of mythal happened, and i did bring solas with me there. i found his dialogue fascinating and also suspicious, i’d just finished masked empire like the day before da:i came out so i definitely thought solas was an ancient elf in the same vein as felassan. it was after temple of mythal that i actually decided to make his blog, although like as one idk linchpin to cement my status as solas trash... i was hit BAD by the banter bug on my first playthrough, probably got like a dozen banters total. but then at some point late in the game i took solas to the forbidden oasis and he wouldn’t stop talking to people, and i really loved his banter with the rest of my party at the time.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  replaying inquisition, new DA content when the bioware gods deign to grant us a lifeline, but the biggest thing is my rp partners. i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the people i write with, new and old. my activity of late hasn’t been the best, work and the summer heat has really been sapping me of energy, and does even during years when we aren’t going through a pandemic. but it’s the thought of my rp partners and love of solas that keeps me coming back.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? i have my doubts sometimes, but i think i do ok.

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? there is no headcanon too small for me.

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. but not lately * gestures to the low activity * i’ve been in this cycle where i get anxious abt late replies, so prioritise them, then burn myself out and can’t write the fics i want. i’ve had two i’ve been DYING to write tho i just... need to find the space in my brain to let myself.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. i mean it depends on the day. if i work closing shifts at my store it gets very quiet and boring around 8:30 so i spent the next 90 minutes thinking about character stuff.

Are you confident in your portrayal?  YES / NO / SORT OF? 

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. 

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO / SORTA.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  i’m going to say ‘no’ because like, i don’t ask for criticism. this is a hobby based on my interpretation of a character, if you think i write solas too soft then you’re welcome to think that, but i’m happy with the balance i’ve struck with his internal versus external behaviour and how he changes based upon who he’s speaking to. if you think i’m erasing straight people by making solas pan then ksjdfs. ok.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  yes!!! even if they retread ground already trodden, a) my interpretation may have adjusted since the last time i played or b) a reminder is nice. if it’s new stuff then it’s fun to think about.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  it’d depend on why they disagree. if they just disagree on a subjective opinion about what i took from a certain line, then they’re welcome to their opinion but i don’t necessarily care to hear it. if it is unintentionally hurtful then i would like to know. although rather than a comment i’d rather a non-anonymous message.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  same as the above.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  if they’re vocal about it i typically just unfollow / softblock if i was following in the first place. people can feel how they want about solas, but i’ve found over the years that if people really hate solas ooc it can often bleed into their ic interactions. it’s really weird seeing your character being brought up repeatedly in threads with others specifically to dunk on, for no reason other than i guess solas is living rent free in their heads, so at least we have that in common. but anyway unfollowing is just the best choice to avoid getting kinda pressed if i’m having a bad day.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  roleplay is the wild west of writing, so i think it’d depend on what the error was. coming at me like “you shouldn’t start a sentence with a preposition” would get a laugh, but i don’t edit my replies much if at all and mistakes will 100% happen. pointing out typos is chill so long as you do it politely.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  it depends! i’ve learned that being too easy going actually just means i’m subjecting myself to negative emotions to please people. so i’ve gotten less easy going as the years go by. how does one define “easy going” anyway? does asking that question mean i am objectively not easy going? the longer this thought goes on the more the answer seems to be “probably not,” but i like to think it could be a lot worse.

[sasorikigai]

Yang had been fighting with some of her new paper work for a couple hours now. Trying to get her brain to focus after a night of no sleep was difficult. But now, she had managed to fill out her reports, as well as the new responsibilities as second in command. And here she stood, placing them upon Commander Hasashi's desk with a tired smile. "I think I'm going to get my own coffee machine at this rate."

Reverse Meme Call || @yetremains || always accepting! 

▬▬ι═══════ﺤ 🔥 || There is a type of deep, indescribable sadness to him, contained in the falling apart of a found family. Even when the story has long wrapped in its inevitable denouement, the stakes long gone, and slowly, ever so slowly, everyone drifts away from the epicenter of such visceral emotions, like a shipwreck dissected by the waves. Flimsy promises and breakable vows were made by the politicians in the news, saying that they will keep in touch, that they will never change, and also that the laws protecting the weak and vulnerable will be strengthened in order to punish those that curve and bend the law, to be the cunning snakes they really are. Phones will stay silent, mailboxes stay empty, words get left unsaid and eventually, everyone will fade from everyone else’s memory until it’s just a blur of those people in each other’s minds. Commander Hanzo Hasashi still recalls the intricacies of everyone’s vocalizations and body language, and now? It’s like trying to fit pieces of a shattered rock together whose edges have been either eroded beyond recognition or further sharpened and broken into jagged, irretrievable shards. Things will never be the same again, and it’s heartbreaking - but such is the course of damned, merciless life. 

New secrets will replace the old ones, and mannerisms will shift. Their favorites will shift and now held with contempt and distaste, and their attempts to reconnect will be rendered futile, because none of them mesh anymore, including him. It’s such a grievance to be someone who is still alive and relatively well after the throes of pain seeping into his bones and tragedy flowing through the stifling, bursting dam of his veins. It’s the mourning of experiences that will seldom happen again, a feeling of closeness, of family that will go unmatched. New memories already have been made to paint over the old ones, and suddenly, everyone will feel more alone than they ever were. For living is the proceeding with archival memories, some ephemeral, but most inflictions of pain tearing him asunder one way or another. 

More than the jellied bones holding the erect composure of his being, more than the tranced vacuous intensity that penetrates the steady illuminative screen of his PC, it’s that gentle coursing heartache which manifests like a curse upon him that runs deep in his veins; a sorrowful blue when night gives way to the appearance of the diminutive sunlight, slowly breaching out of its way towards the horizon that aches him still. They may be branded with this irremovable mark upon their subconscious, but they both break through the tranquil darkness, and conquer their respective, repetitive voices crying out in the otherwise relative silence. Perhaps this is a universal flaw of their human disposition; they are never satisfied. Even in their survivalism and newfound life, they will work until they grind to bones. “The espresso machine we recently acquired isn’t fast enough? I myself find rather highly tolerant of caffeine, so much so that it doesn’t perk me up anymore.” The last stack of a near-completed report lays atop his keyboard, as he sips the last remnant of his coffee, about an inch or so left in his mug. The taut, thick trunk of his neck creaks, giving off a sharp crack before the arching motion of his spine stretches his neck backwards. “It must be a carpal tunnel or something in my disused muscle. What if we went out for a quick sprint before crashing for an hour or two?” ▬▬ι═══════ﺤ 🔥 || 

[jinterlude]

What A Cliché (Prologue)

↳ story aesthetic made by @today-we-will-survive for the BA’s Summer Content Creator Exchange!

» Pairing(s): Kim Seokjin x OC (female) [feat. the rest of the BTS & OC best friend)

» Genre(s): Parenthood!AU, Veterinary!AU, Business!AU, Enemies turned Lovers Trope, Romance, Friendship, Humor, Fluff, & Slight-Angst

» Keyword for Event: Carnival 

» Warning(s) & Rating: Swearing / PG-13

» Words: 5.2K (5260)

» Summary: When people hear the phrase, “Well that’s a first...” it’s usually because something shocking or amazing has occurred. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case for one Park Sumin. Going from working in an office to visiting the local carnival, she had some rather interesting first experiences. Ranging from trying out some carnival food to questioning her engagement to Lee Seonghwa (AOMG’s Gray), never in her life did she think that she would run into someone her brain had blocked out for years. Can you say a fun filled summer that not only would change her life but his as well. 

◃ Previously | Next Time ▹

Prologue: Meet the New Neighbor

“You know…I have a feeling that you two would make the perfect couple someday…”

“By perfect, you mean that I’d want to kill him every waking moment I can get, right?”

“Nah, my precious little ray of sunshine. I mean that one day, you two will make gorgeous looking children to the point that I’m going to “borrow” one of them to pick up guys.”

A look of utter and complete disbelieve washed over her face as she felt her eye twitch just a smidge from her best friend’s remark.

And just as she opened her mouth to retort, an annoying voice rang in her ears. The one voice she took years of practice to block out him from her memories. Until that evening, she had long forgotten the prick that made her life a living Hell, but fate had an interesting idea of entertainment and unfortunately, she had become the main character of this stupid little sitcom.

God help her…

“You should learn to smile more often, princess! You might land more dates that way!”

“That’s it! Listen here you annoying fucking gnat!”

Eight Hours Earlier…

Letting out yet another long, exasperated sigh, a visibly tired young woman rubbed the sides of her forehead, trying her hardest to not only ignore the unbearable heat that lingered in her office but her rather extra chatty friend. The poor girl had honestly forgotten why she invaded her workplace in the first place. That was how long the rather one-sided conversation had become.

“Okay, Sowon, I love you, but please for the love of God get to the point.” Said the exhausted girl.

A tiny groan escaped Sowon’s lips as she narrowed her eyes onto her friend.

“I did get to my point, Sumin.” She flashed a bright smile further irking Sumin, “Now, I’m just rambling since I noticed you zoned out around the five-minute mark.” She stated, smiling sweetly.

Her bottom lip practically disappeared as Sumin suppressed the growl that brewed in the back of her throat. Did Sowon seriously ramble her ear off just because she tuned her out twenty-minutes ago?

If she had more friends, Sumin would’ve had honestly dropped Sowon years ago but alas, she didn’t. The career driven young woman had no time for herself, let alone go out and meet new people. She had always been like this ever since high school. She dedicated her time to her studies and a few extracurricular activities.

And that was exactly how she liked it.

She had seen her fellow classmates become a social mess. She had witnessed physical fights, loud, obnoxious arguments between love sick individuals, and that only scratched the surface of her high school experience and she gladly kept it that way.

She never dated. She never went to any of the sports games that were played at her school. Shit. She never attended any of her school dances, especially prom. Instead, she researched universities that had the best business program and weighed the pros and cons of attending them.

After days and nights of agonizing over which university to attend to, she finally settled on applying to USC because their business program was on par with those out of the country, and the rest was history.

Now, here she sat in her office chair while Sowon, who she met during her sophomore year of college in biology, stared her down. Her gaze intensified with each passing moment. That was Sowon’s superpower. Sumin didn’t know how Sowon does it, but with just one simple stare, Sumin submitted easily.

And quite frankly, she both despised it yet was thankful for it. It was because of her best friend that she slowly came out of her shell. She actually became more aware of her surroundings.

Go figure?

A few more minutes passed by and tiny whines left her lips as Sumin clutched important documents that contained hypothetical numbers of the projected money flow for the next six months.

“I can keep this up, sunshine.” Sumin heard Sowon taunt. She could practically hear the smugness radiate from her words.

Finally, the poor girl had enough. She slammed the paper down on her desk, unleashing the pent-up frustration that settled in the pit of her stomach.

“Fine! I’ll go to the stupid summer carnival with you! Now, will you please stop staring at me!?” Sumin practically roared, secretly thankful that her office was soundproof.

Sowon smiled proudly as she leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Done.”

Meanwhile…in a different part of the city…

Brows knitted together. Tiny drops of sweat trickled down his forehead. The sound of heart rate monitors mixed with his heavy breathing filled the operating room. This bright, luminescence bulb emitted this heat that felt like the sun was directly above the man’s head. However, he didn’t let it deter him from the task at hand. He quickly asked the nurse for his water and took a few sips through the straw before resuming the surgery.

“Sir,” The man heard one of his assistants speak, “Have you thought about the possibility of reconstructive surgery instead of removing the shard fragment?”

The determined man sighed before a small smile appeared on his handsome face.

“I have thought about it, but that would be the effortless way out. This innocent creature doesn’t deserve something that would only complicate her life some more, “He paused, wiping away a bit of sweat from the side of his forehead, “Besides, I think of this a big “fuck you” to that evil, cruel person that could harm a defenseless puppy. I’m going to save her if this is the last thing I do.” He finished with this sense of purpose flowing throughout his veins as he resumed operating on the puppy, praying that he wasn’t too late.

But luckily…

He wasn’t…

It took him the rest of the day to the point that he had his receptionist unfortunately cancel the remaining appointments, but he saved the puppy’s life. The last shard fragment was wedged in an area where one false movement with his knife and tweezers, the puppy would've died right on the operating table. That specific situation had been every veterinarian’s nightmare, but just like with any nightmare, it sometimes fades away and soon replaced with a relaxing dream. A dream where resulted in this state of euphoria and great night’s sleep. That was why he took this job as a veterinarian. He wanted to ensure that the animals that came into his office left with a peaceful state of mind.

And so far, so good. His track record remained spotless. He could now go home with a bright smile knowing that he saved yet another brutally injured animal.

Currently sitting in his office, the tired yet happy veterinarian typed out something in the body of the email message. He muttered a few words as he read his paragraph repeatedly until it sounded right.

The sounds of clicking of the keyboard bounced of the four walls until this knock joined in.

“Come in.” He said quickly.

“Hey, Seokjin!” greeted the stranger cheerfully.

Seokjin’s eyebrows raised as he peeked around his computer monitor. He knew that voice, and that particular voice didn’t usually visit his office unless the person wanted something.

His eyes flickered back to the screen as his fingers resumed typing away, hoping that this email would be sent out before 7 o’clock in the evening.

“What do you want, Jungkook? Can’t you see that I’m busy?”

Jungkook chuckled, shaking his head as he flopped down on the chair in front of his friend’s desk.

“Yeah, I can see that. I’m not blind…well…not yet.”

Seokjin snorted, “I’m honestly surprised that you’re not actually. All those years of playing video games with the lights off,” He pushed up his glasses just a bit, “Guess I wasn’t blessed with a strong eyesight to begin with.” He said; the corners of his mouth turned slightly upwards.

Jungkook playfully clicked his tongue, “Yeah. I guess not,” A short chuckle left his lips, “But, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me and the rest of the fellas to the summer carnival that’s currently in town?” He asked, flashing Seokjin an overly sweetly smile combined with his signature innocent, charming gaze. One gaze like that and his older friends were practically putty in his hands. It came in handy during their high school years. Well…up until his sophomore year…his friends graduated one by one, so he had no one left to use it on.

Sad day in the life that was Jeon Jungkook.

“You do realize that this isn’t high school, and I’m not this 18-year-old teen that you can easily manipulate, Kook.” Seokjin stated bluntly, fully aware of his purely innocent “stare”. He didn’t even to peer over his computer screen to know. Jungkook’s tone of voice gave it away.

Though, that didn’t deter the young lad. It was rare for all seven of them to be in town for the summer, so he wanted to cherish it. As soon as Seokjin graduated high school, everyone just went their separate ways. Sure, they had their group chat that had constant activity whether it was from someone sending random memes or simply asking how their day was. But it just wasn’t the same.

Even though his friends didn’t know this, Jungkook needed them. He couldn’t quite establish a bond that matched the one he shared with Seokjin and the rest of his little motley crew.

They were definitely one of a kind…

“What’s with that smile, Kook? Last time you smiled like that it was because you found a lamb skewer stand with Yoongi.” Seokjin’s voice forcibly pulled Jungkook out of his peaceful thoughts.

“Oh, this smile?” He pointed at his lips, “It’s nothing…say…when is that little ray of sunshine coming by?” Jungkook asked vaguely, drawing out his sentence.

Seokjin hummed in response as his eyes scanned the last remaining sentences of his email. He could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

“Oh, according to her mother, she’s dropping off Areum this evening,” He quickly checks his phone, scrolling through his messages from his ex-wife, “Around 9 o’clock in the evening.” He announced, locking his phone once again.

Jungkook gasped; his eyes beamed from excitement. This was perfect. He and friends could spend a few hours at the carnival and then hang out with their “niece”.

“So, you’re telling me that you have time for the carnival?”

“I guess I am Kook…”

“Perfect! I’ll let the fellas know!”

“Don’t let me regret this…”

“When I have ever done something that you’d regret?”

“I can name a few things…”

At the Summer Carnival – 7 o’clock in the evening

Walking down the busy row of stands, Sumin’s eyes remained glued on her phone. Her brows furrowed as her thumb scrolled up while she read the contents of an email that she had received minutes before arriving to the carnival. Soft mutters left her lips as she homed in on an incredibly important section of the email. She reread the same two sentences twice before this unsettling, heavy sensation settled within the pit of her stomach.

The color practically drained from her face. Her breath hitched. She halted in her steps, ignoring the grumbles of the many bystanders that were forced to go around her.

A low groan escaped her as she immediately locked her phone and shoved it in her back pocket. Did she really want to be at this stupid carnival? She needed to be back in the office and working on soothing this rather extreme angry client, that was “miraculously” bestowed upon her thanks to her supervisor. Why was she even here again?

“Sumin! Check out this stand, they have those churros that you’re basically obsessed with!” She heard Sowon shout with glee, waving her arms sporadically.

Oh…

That was right…

She was here because of her dearest friend…

“I think I’m going to call it, Sowon. I have to get up pretty early tomorrow, and—”

“No ‘and’. I know that look on your face, my little sunshine, and I’m not completely oblivious. I saw you on your phone and your eyes widened with each passing second.” Sowon interrupted, leaving her spot in the line and walking up to her completely distressed friend, “Which means in the world of Sumin, you’re extremely stressed and about to leave this relaxing sister-date to head back to the office and work on something that can honestly wait until tomorrow morning.” Sowon finished, smiling brightly. “Did I hit it right on the nail, my soft princess?” She added; her smile grew wider.

Sumin made a face; her eyes narrowed on her smug friend.

“I hate it when you do that…”

“I know you do…”

Meanwhile, while one crisis was averted, on the other side of the carnival, two fellas bickered over the last game ticket while their mutual friends watched both sides make excellent arguments on why he deserved the last game ticket. The only thing they missed, to make this verbal battle amusing, was some carnival snacks.

Stuffing his hands in the pockets of his black jacket, a gentleman with black-rimmed glasses and faded silver hair – that was swooped to the right – leaned against the wall; an amused smile painted his lips.

“Are you going to stop them, Namjoon?” asked a young man with chestnut brown hair. His eyes sparkled with such innocence that many people forget that he was indeed in his mid-twenties.

“Nah. They’re fine Jimin. Besides, remember the last time we intervened on an infamous Seokjin-Jungkook argument?” Namjoon replied, shooting Jimin a knowing look. But just as Jimin opened his mouth to answer, someone else beat him to the punch.

“Oh, that was a fun evening!” shouted a cheery voice; a few chuckles escaped him. “They turned their wrath onto us, and even told Yoongi to shut up.” A sigh of content left his lips this time as he folded his hands and rested his head against the palms, “What a memorable evening.”

Namjoon nodded in agreement as he turned his attention towards a paler looking fella.

“I was honestly surprised that Jungkook told you to shut up, Yoongs.”

Yoongi pried one eye open, having checked out of Jungkook’s and Seokjin’s marital bickering thirty minutes prior.

With a lazy voice, he said, “That boy is lucky for not fearing me.”

“After being friends with you for so long, none of us fear you, my dude.” Chimed in the same cheery voice that spoke earlier.

“Hm. I guess I’m losing my charm, Hoseok.” Yoongi shrugged, shutting his eyes closed again. One of the many “joys” of being your own boss. He didn’t have a set work shift.

Hoseok beamed; his smile could light up any dark alleyway, before adverting his attention back to Seokjin and Jungkook, who still refused to back down.

Two hours had passed and not only did the bickering duo slowly ran out of the counterarguments, but their friends were extremely bored and wanted to enjoy what was left of the carnival.

Finally fed up, Namjoon pushed off from the wall and then walked up to Seokjin and Jungkook, pulling out his wallet as he closed the gap between their bodies.

“Tell you what,” He began fishing out a few bills, “Take my money and buy you guys some more damn tickets, so you guys can finally shut the fuck up.” Namjoon stated bluntly before slapping the bills in both Seokjin’s and Jungkook’s hands, knowingly hurting them in the process. He then walked away from them, gesturing for their buddies to follow him.

They were determined to enjoy the carnival before it closed for the night.

As their closest friends walked away, slowly disappearing from their line of sight, the squabbling duo turned to each other; this mischievous gleam sparkled in their eyes accompanied with this scheming smirk.

“That took longer than expected.” Jungkook laughed, flinging an arm around Seokjin’s broad shoulders.

Seokjin chuckled in response as he allowed Jungkook to direct him to the nearest game stand.

“I know, right? We must be losing our touch since before, Namjoon usually settled our “arguments” in less than an hour.” He stated as his eyes scanned the prizes at the booth. His lips pursed while his brows became knitted together as Seokjin contemplated which prize would Areum love the most.

This faint hum exited his lips as his eyes drifted between a huge stuffed alpaca and a huge stuffed panda bear. Then, after much deliberation, he finally settled on the alpaca since she loved to remind him that whenever he ate, he looked like a happy alpaca, especially whenever he munched on a salad. He could honestly hear her faint giggles in the back of his mind.

God, he would do anything for his daughter. She had him wrapped around her dainty pinky finger.

With a determined smile, he slammed down a few dollar bills and waited to be handed some darts.

“Alright, prepare to be amazed, Kook.”

Back with the ladies, who now held onto plates with delicious carnival food, they journeyed towards the exit, talking about everything and anything that came to mind. Ranging from the topic of their love lives – or lack thereof – to the ever so fun work politics that occurred during their daily lives. However, the most popular topic was their time in high school. While, yes, they went to two different schools, they loved hearing about the other’s experience. Hearing such stories made the other feel like she was there as well.

“So, whatever happened to the guy that stupidly stood you up at homecoming, Sowon?”

“Beats me. All I know is that he asked for me at my school’s little reunion event. From what an old friend told me, the way he asked was very creepy. Borderline stalkerish if you ask me.”

Sumin shuddered, “Things like that makes me glad that I didn’t have a social life in high school.”

Sowon chuckled softly as she quickly tossed her empty, Styrofoam plate and jogged back to Sumin.

“Yeah, but it is because of said social life that I know who my loyal friends are and know how to handle myself in certain situations.” She pointed out with a knowing gleam in her eyes.

Sumin rolled her eyes in response, signaling Sowon that she had won that argument.

“Let’s get you home, princess. I believe it is passed your bedtime.”

“What are you? My mom?”

“I might as well be, Min.”

Sowon then flung her arms around Sumin’s shoulders as the two ladies head for Sowon’s car and begin their journey to Sumin’s place.

Faint muffles filled the spacious car as flashes of light illuminated the darkness every other minute. Resting her chin on the palm of her hand, Sumin stared absentmindedly out the window; her eyes focused on the happy couples. Each face painted with the brightest and most loving smile ever to grace them.

Soon, a soft sigh escaped her as she pried her eyes away from the window. Though, while she no longer saw them, her mind was filled with thoughts of them. Thoughts of envy? Longing? That had been yet to be determined.

Which was strange to her as for the obvious fact that she too was in a relationship.

But…

“I just now realized that you are not wearing your luxurious engagement ring that Seonghwa gave you, Min.” Sowon’s voice broke into her cloudy thoughts.

Sumin’s eyes trailed down, landing on her empty left ring finger.

“I knew I forgot something.” She lied, faking a playful smile.

But Sowon knew better.

“Is everything alright?” She asked as she slowed the car to stop as the traffic light went from yellow to red.

Sounds of the turn signal cut through the awkward silence. Sumin hoped that the light would turn green so that she’d be closer to home but alas, it wasn’t the case. This was a timed light, and the timing of it was abnormally long for a traffic light.

She could stall, but that would only annoy Sowon, so why should Sumin even try? Her closest and dearest friend wasn’t stupid. If anything, she wouldn’t be surprised if Sowon knew that she was thinking of backing out of the wedding.

“Do I want to get married, Sowon?” asked Sumin, phrasing her question a bit oddly.

Sowon raised a brow as she shifted her foot from the brake pedal to the gas pedal, lightly pressing as she turned on to the street where Sumin’s house resided at. A house where she lived with her doting fiancé.

The poor girl looked unsure how to answer such a question. If it was a question that asked her if she wanted to get married, then the answer would be plain and simple. No. No she didn’t want to get married or at least, not right now. She so much desired to live her twenties to the fullest. Then, once it was time, she would gladly settle down with the right person.

And yet with Sumin? Sowon was quite surprised that she was having doubts. Out of the two them, Sumin would be happily married first with kiddos running amuck and then Aunty Sowon would help wrangle them and/or create more chaos for their parents.

But with this sudden 180, Sowon grew even more confused.

Did she have to kill Seonghwa? Because she totally would. No one was allowed to hurt Sumin under her watch.

No one.

Pursing her lips, Sowon hummed in response, as she pulled up to Sumin’s driveway, where both Sumin’s and her fiancé’s car were currently parked.

Before finally answering, Sowon killed the engine, and the two girls now sat in complete and utter silence.

“Alright, to answer your question, I know that you want to get married, however, is it to Seonghwa? Only you can answer that, love. But you did say yes to him for a reason, so that has to mean something, right?”

Sumin sighed heavily; her shoulders slumped just a bit.

“I did, I mean don’t get me wrong, I do love him with all my heart but—”

“But you don't know if it’s enough to meet him at the altar, correct?”

Instead of answering, Sumin gave Sowon a thumb’s up before exiting the vehicle and as she stepped out, a car pulled up to her neighbor’s driveway. A neighbor who she had never seen since their schedules always had them missing one another by a split second, so this was a first. Well, overall, this night was filled with firsts, so this wasn’t too much of a shock factor.

Seconds later, Sowon too exited the vehicle, shutting the door and alarming it. She then leaned against the door; curiosity slowly bested her as she noticed Sumin’s body language tense just a smidge.

“You alright there, sunshine?!” She hollered, cupping her mouth, though, she didn’t have to do that since they were not that far away from each other.

However, she received no response from Sumin for a good minute or two.

Until…

“YOU!!”

“YOU!!”

Two voices shouted simultaneously.

Alarmed, Sumin’s fiancé came running out of the house dawning his work clothes still.

“Are you okay, honey?” he asked, closing the gap between their bodies, as he gently rested his hand on her lower back.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Seonghwa. I just got startled by a familiar face is all.” She lied flawlessly, smiling sweetly.

Seonghwa hummed in response, not fully believing her, but he knew it was best to drop it.

“Okay. I’m gonna head back inside and finish up this project. Holler if you need me, okay, love?” He said, pressing a sweet kiss on her temple before disappearing inside the house.

The second she heard the door shut, Sumin’s sweet demeanor melted away and was soon replaced with the fiery rage that engulfed her body and soul moments prior.

“Wow. I’m amazed. You actually tricked someone into dating your strange self,” The intruder began applauding slowly with a sarcastic smile etched on his face, “I’m completely inspired by your story now.” He added, further taunting poor Sumin.

Sowon raised her brow, slowly going into defensive mode but held back as she wanted to see more of their reactions. In her life of knowing Sumin, Sowon only ever saw her little sunshine become this spitfire with her only. So, who the Hell was this handsome gentleman that easily riled her soft princess up?

She had to find out.

And maybe…just maybe…he might be the answer to Sumin’s tricky question.

A low – almost animalistic – growl escaped Sumin’s lips as she stomped over to her neighbor; their chests practically touched each other.

“Listen here, Seokjin—”

“I’m sorry. Can you repeat that? You might have to speak up, short stuff.” Seokjin cupped his ear as he leaned downwards; their noses merely inches away from bumping into each other.

Sumin’s jaw clenched and through gritted teeth, she said, well shouted,

“Can you hear me now, huh, you prick?!”

Seokjin groaned, jolting his body away, as he rubbed his poor ear while this ringing sensation echoed throughout his now muddled mind.

Damn that woman had a pair of lungs on her.

“I think you busted my eardrum…!”

“Well, that’s what you get for standing so incredibly close to me, dumbass!”

Tensions arose between the two as their blood slowly came to a boil. Seokjin and Sumin had history. A rather long history that remained in the archives until this evening.

Again, a night filled with firsts.

Just as Seokjin opened his mouth to retaliate, a laughter cut him off. He was secretly glad that someone else intervened. He honestly didn’t have to time to entertain the spitfire that stood courageously in front of him. His daughter was to arrive at any moment.

The last thing he wanted his six-year-old to see was him shouting at a woman.

“You know, we got to work on you playing nice with others, Sumin.” Chimed in Sowon as she walked up to the pair and rested an arm on Sumin’s shoulder.

“And may I ask who you are?” Seokjin questioned, looking a bit unimpressed.

Sowon held out her hand and quickly introduced herself, shaking Seokjin’s hand with her signature thousand-watt smile.

“Ah, and how do you know the pain in the ass?”

“I can ask you the same thing, Jinnie boy.”

“Jinnie boy?” He questioned, directing it more towards Sumin.

Sumin simply shrugged, “Just go with it.”

“Well, I’ve known her since middle school believe it or not.”

Sowon raised her brow; her eyes roamed all over his body as if she tried to decipher his hidden secrets.

“Interesting. Well, as much as I’d like to continue this conversation, I don’t,” She then turned Sumin around, “Time for bed, Min.” She stated firmly before guiding them both back to Sumin’s house, leaving behind a flabbergasted Seokjin.

“You know…I have a feeling that you two would make the perfect couple someday…” teased the taller woman as they crossed the threshold between Sumin’s house and Seokjin’s house.

Sumin grimaced, nearly wanting to gag, “By perfect, you mean that I’d want to kill him every waking moment I can get, right?”

“Nah, my precious little ray of sunshine. I mean that one day, you two will make gorgeous looking children to the point that I’m going to “borrow” one of them to pick up guys.” Sowon clarified, grinning from ear to ear.

A look of utter and complete disbelieve washed over her face as she felt her eye twitch just a smidge from her best friend’s remark.

And just as she opened her mouth to retort, an annoying voice rang in her ears. The one voice she took years of practice to block out him from her memories. Until that evening, she had long forgotten the prick that made her life a living Hell, but fate had an interesting idea of entertainment and unfortunately, she had become the main character of this stupid little sitcom.

God help her…

“You should learn to smile more often, princess! You might land more dates that way!”

“That’s it! Listen here you annoying fucking gnat!”

However, before Sumin could storm over to Seokjin again, Sowon blocked her path.

“Alright, young lady, someone’s getting cranky. You march to your room and tell Seonghwa that you want to cuddle.”

“But!”

“March!”

Sumin frowned before submitting to her friend, of course, muttering a few profanities as she stomped up the stairs that led to the front door.

Once Sumin was inside, Sowon waited a few seconds before walking up to Seokjin, who appeared to be texting someone.

“So, how do you truly feel about Sumin?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

Seokjin’s face remained blank, “I tolerate her existence. Why?”

“I asked how you truly feel about her, not lie about it.” Sowon stated, shooting him a knowing look.

Seokjin, on the other hand, grew unsure. What did she mean, exactly?

“Sleep on it.” Sowon suggested before walking to her car and finally head home for herself.

Seokjin watched the strange woman drive out of his neighborhood. Her words repeated in his mind. He was almost certain that he just tolerated Sumin’s existence. Sure, there had been a time in his life that he harbored romantic feelings for her, but he had been long married since then. Well, now divorced, but that was beside the point.

It was through that marriage that he had Areum. The light of his life.

Yeah, he didn’t need any other leading lady in his life.

Right?

Before he could fully dive into those thoughts, a bright light nearly blinded him followed by this obnoxious honking.

“Dad!” shouted a voice. A voice Seokjin knew all too well. The same voice that easily brought a smile to his face.

“Areum!” He greeted back; his face practically beamed. He happily waved as the car came to a stop and this little girl came running out of the backseat and towards him.

Seokjin knelt down, ready for the biggest hug ever. And just as she slammed into him, he protectively wrapped his arms around her petite body as the two fell onto the grass.

“Remember to behave for your dad, Areum!” chuckled an older woman, shaking her head as she walked up to the loving duo with a tiny suitcase.

“I will mommy.” Areum smiled as she became smothered with Seokjin’s fatherly kisses.

“Yeah, don’t worry Eunji, our little girl is an angel.”

“Whatever you say, Seokjin. By the way, did you know that our old friend Sumin lived right next door to you?”

Seokjin instantly became alarmed. How did his ex-wife know that? So, naturally, he asked.

Eunji laughed softly, “Just because you had a falling out with her, doesn’t mean that I did, so I saw it on her social media account that she moved to that house.”

“And you didn’t tell me this while I was looking for a place to live because?”

“Because I love seeing you make a fool of yourself in front of her.”

But before Seokjin could say something, refuting his ex-wife’s claims, Eunji had entered her car and clicked on her seatbelt. Then, he saw the reverse lights turn on and watched her pull out of his driveway.

She was always an interesting woman…

“Why is your mom weird?”

“I don’t know, probably for the same reason as to why she called you coward on our way here, daddy?”

“She what, now?”

A/N: I am back! Cue the fanfare and confetti canon! I’m honestly both surprised and proud of myself for not only picking up writing again but starting another series (low key crying because Our Second Chance isn’t done yet, but I am working on it LOL)! At first, I wanted to take the word carnival and incorporate the movie Sandlot and A League of Their Own into it, but sadly, I hit a bad writers’ block, so I just scrapped that idea completely and with the help of @softjeon who helped me with some overall story ideas, this came to be! Plus, it helps that in BTS World, Seokjin’s another story line is so cute, especially with the little girl (who of course makes an appearance as his daughter in this short series <3) being kind of hard to please. Yes, make Jinnie work for it! 

But anyway, as of right now, I don’t have a set schedule for this as I like to write whenever I have both the time and inspiration but knowing me, I’ll start releasing updates over the course of Autumn/Winter along with the last chapters of Our Second Chance! 

Don’t forget to leave a like/reblog/comment/ask in my inbox! I love hearing your thoughts! :)

- Kim

[maladaptive-ninja-returns]

Stakeout (4)

Loki x fem!Reader

Prompt: @marvelrose had this awesome idea of taking Brooklyn Nine Nine’s episode Stakeout and turning it into an angsty fic. Will it end in smut or will it end in more angst?

Warnings: PAIN. That’s it.

Word Count: I made a mistake. I made....a huge...mistake. I watched The Punisher and now I cannot stop this new story coursing through my veins.

Masterlist in bio

“Do you think he knows we’re in here?” you whispered.

“I don’t think so,” Loki whispered back. “Why? What’s going to happen if he knows we’re in here?”

You looked at Loki with nothing but pure fear in your eyes.

His smaragdines caught your emotion and his body stiffened before getting up from the floor where you two were hiding together. Taking a careful step towards the window ahead of the desk, he slowly raised his hand to put his fingers in between the blinders and push them down enough to measure the threat outside.

Within a flash, the pair of eyes outside turned towards him, making his fingers recoil. What followed was a scream from the outside along with a few curses.

“Mother of racoons!” Loki hissed, “Why is this creature perched up outside our window out of all the places?”

You did not look at Loki for your ears were busy catching the curse-laden breaths of the informant outside- hissing and snarling at the rodent to get away from there. Clearly, your target wanted the animal gone as much as you did. That pissed creature was creating a lot of ruckus for both the sides as it is.

“I am going to do something about him,” Loki declared as softly as possible.

“Shhh,” you shot back, your hand raising to stop him from speaking further while your ears were still outside.

“Don’t-” he lowered his voice, eyeing the blinders- “don’t shush me, woman. I have ha-”

Before he could speak any further, you were already on your knees tackling him down. You knew the God was no match for you, but catching him off guard did the trick. He lost his balance to fall down on his back while a loud shatte of a glass filled the air, immediately making him turn- his arms wrapped around you till you were secure under him, away from the line of flying broken shards, your eyes screwed shut to avoid any injury.

Any animal would have been insane to stay in the line of fire of the stone- nearly the size of your fist- that entered the apartment. But for a few moments you, forgot about the raccoon as your mind registered your hands clinging on to Loki’s clothes like a cat’s claws holding on to the branches of a tall tree it was stuck in. You did not want to open your eyes and face him but the flashes from last night of his body next to yours opened the dam of hot chagrin, making your eyes open wide to avoid any more devious thoughts to cross your mind.

Oh, what a sad but beautiful mistake that was on your part.

The sunlight coming through the broken blinders bounced off the vanilla wall onto the floor before getting caught in Loki’s features. His controlled panting along with the unavoidable glowing skin made some rational part of your brain wonder what exactly was it about his inexplicably composed features that brought all your workings to a standstill.

“Are you okay?” you heard yourself yak in order to prevent another mini attack like last night. The question though was more for yourself than for him- and still, you wanted to know if he was okay.

His green never left your y/e/c as he breathed in your touch over him. For a change- and what a surprising change that was- you were clinging on to him instead of pushing away or fighting him. More appalling for Loki was your concern for him. He doubted the genuineness of your worry, wondering if this was another one of your human ways to get even with him.

“Loki,” your heavy voice snapped him out of his calculations, making him revert back to your eyes, “hey, you okay?”

And for the second time, he saw no malice hidden behind the blank shade reflecting a worrisome gaze.

“Yes, I’m fine,” he gulped down his words before getting up and away from you, catching you unaware of how tightly you were holding his jacket in your sweaty fists.

Letting go of the fabric, you apologised under your breath.

“Are you harmed?” His hand came to wrap around your good arm and help you get up.

“N-aah shoot!”

While trying to get up, you did what was typical of you- you put your entire weight over the poor arm that was still throbbing from yesterday's incident. And the curses followed.

“What are you doing, you dolt?” Loki hissed as he wrapped his arm around your waist- no permissions taken this time because you clearly were not good for your own body.

“I forgot,” you muttered a confession.

“Who forgets their entire arm is injured?”

“I did!” You snarled back at the God, your faces just an inch away from each other, hot breaths fanning the baby hairs on your faces. Goddamit!! Just kiss already!

That thought did cross your mind as you stole a glance at his lips. Loki too had the same image in his mind for a second there. But none of you morons made the first move. Instead, you backed away from his personal space and heard an ugly crunch under your boots, forcing both you and the God to finally turn away from each other and take in the scene of disaster around you.

Loki scrutinised the glass shards going everywhere while you inspected the window.

A groan left you as you wiped away the broken glass from the damaged thermal screen.

“Stark is going to kill that bastard for this,” you muttered under your breath before turning your head to some unknown void above you and sighing at the thought having to make the call.

.

“I want his head on a spike,” Tony’s voice echoed through your ears while his face was all red on the screen in front of you.

You shifted in your seat while Loki exhaled, clicking the pen in his hand.

“It’s just a screen, Tony,” Loki pointed out, his face clearly reflecting the exhaustion he was feeling from wasting all his energy on a stubborn racoon and a pissed you grabbing him by the clothes on his back to not throw hands at a creature who has nothing to lose and would end up compromising your location.

“Screw that screen!” Tony shouted, his eyes growing wide with rage, “what if either of you was hit by that son of a bitch?”

You tried really hard but the chuckle still escaped your lips.

“Aw,” you sang while swivelling your chair from one side to another, “look at you getting worried for Loki. You know what that is?”

“Say ‘growth’ and I swear on the blood of my newborn I will put you and Peter in timeout in a place you would never survive with just your memes.”

The silence and frown that followed from your end were enough to know the message had been received and but not appreciated in any shape or form.

“And you, Cassius,” Tony called out the trickster, “I trust you to keep an eye out for that bastard throwing any more rocks your way. Nat just got a word that his boss is on the move and would probably be meeting your neighbour tomorrow. We’ll move in near your point of stakeout around six hundred hours tomorrow. All communications will be kept restricted to the comms. We’ll move in when you spot the bogey and give the signal. Is that clear?”

“If you had to do all the work, why send us in?” you grunted, your anger still simmering somewhere inside you, “Loki and I can take down three people, I’m sure.”

Loki clicked his pen. “I agree. This is more of a house arrest than a stakeout. In the most shabby setting if I may add.”

Tony narrowed his eyes at the two of through the screen, making you cross your arms at the silent wrath that was brewing on the other side. “Clearly you two forgot why you are in this situation. Need I remind y-”

“No,” you both announced in unison, never meeting the brown eyes of judgment.

“Good. No action for the two of you till you’ve worked out whatever issues you have,” he announced.

A voice outside the range of the camera capturing the other side announced, “Just tell them to make out already.”

“And that’s our cue,” you concluded and signed off.

Stretching yourself out, you heard your insides crack in various joints.

“I used to be an assassin in training,” you reminisced, looking at something in the far off distance in the poorly lit room before looking at Loki- who was still sitting and clicking away his pen, taking out his frustration on the metal stick- “and you used to be a God. Now we are sitting in the dark in an apartment with no heat, a broken window, a grey sky outside and pieces of broken glass sitting under the kitchen sink. We have turned into my worst nightmare.”

Loki’s brows furrowed as he turned in his chair towards you.

“Worst nightmare of two powerless beings under house arrest?”

“Worse! Living like an old poor suburban couple fighting non-stop till one of us kills the other. Of course, the money being the root of all our problems.”

“We are not even married, darling.” Loki’s brow stared down at you.

“Exactly!” you nearly sobbed as you got down on your knees, your body drooping down with the invisible weight of your horrid thoughts coursing through you.

Loki could not help but be amazed by the impulsive emotions you displayed now and then, be it with him or anyone else- but today he got the opportunity of having the whole theatre to himself to watch you pour your heart out. Even a little smile played on his lips as he watched the innocent play of you pretending to whimper, eventually getting all the frustration out.

Finally, bringing your head up and away from your legs, you breathed. “I’ll have to do with the tub today too, huh?”

“Don’t want him-”

“Him to hear anything out of the ordinary-” you nodded, waving away the dialogue in irritation, “yeah, yeah, I get it.”

Loki sat up in his seat as you kept your worse arm in your lap not having moved it for a while now.

“Still need help with your jacket?”

You looked at him before moving your shoulder to check. The nerves sending back hammers of pain was answer enough.

“Yeah,” you whispered, getting up half-hearted, not really happy with your condition.

Just like yesterday, Loki carefully removed your jacket and shirt from your body. Just like yesterday, both of you felt an unfamiliar vibration in your stomachs, making you wonder what this unholy feeling was exactly.

The fifteen minutes spent inside the hot water was enough to ponder over the sensations you had been feeling every time Loki’s fingers grazed over your skin, making your surface tense up and your hair stand and look at the one bold enough to make your insides awaken at just a mere touch. What the hell is this God doing to me?!

Something worth overthinking about, sweetheart.

The negligible light from the candle you had been using in the bathroom reflected over the white tiles all around you as you took out the stopper from the drain and let the water around you swirl out. The throb in your arm had escalated now. The pain riding up a notch, making it difficult for you to even keep it vertical under the gravity’s influence.

Grabbing your towel from the side, you tried your best to wrap it around you but the piercing pain forced every other mechanism in your body to come to a standstill.

I should have gotten this checked. Maybe I wouldn’t have been in this mess if I did. Why am I like this?

Standing there in the bathtub, naked and wet, you looked around and contemplated what all could possibly be done with one working arm. Turned out the embarrassment worked enough adrenaline to let your body work into getting your panties over your legs.

Now came the dreadful part.

You cleared your throat, took in a deep breath, firmly placed your towel around yourself, clenched and unclenched your toes and hands.

“Okay,” you whispered to yourself, “you can do this.”

Inhale.

“Lo-Loki?” you called out as softly but audibly as possible.

No sound.

Okay. He must be keeping an eye on the target.

“Lo-”

“What?” his honey laden voice called out from right outside the door.

Curse his cat-like gait.

“I uhh…” your voice shivered, not knowing how to explain it without making it sound like an invitation for anything else.

“I-It’s my arm. I think it’s getting worse. I’m not able to lift it but it hurts to keep it dropped like this sideways,” your voice dictated gently.

The silence from the other side was more unnerving than his abrupt voice.

The knob turned, forcing your fingers to clench at the soft fabric loosely surrounding you. The door opened just a smidge, faced the opposite way, allowing neither of you to see anything.

“Do you want me to…”

“Yes…” you croaked, “please.” gulping down your ego.

The door creaked open, letting Loki in before he closed it. His eyes scanned the candles before landing at the end on your figure standing inside the bathtub awkwardly holding the lone fabric over your body covering you decently.

The loose strands from your hair touching your shoulders glistened at the ends right where they had mingled with the wetness of your body, painting you in a sensual light for the God to stand in awe of for that one moment before his eyes landed on the discolouration over your left shoulder.

There was a bruise over the length of the arm today. It really was getting worse.

“Get out of the tub before you hurt yourself more,” Loki stated, pushing his sweatshirt’s sleeves up, allowing you to catch the glimpse of his tensed veins showing through the pale skin.

“Fair enough,” you acknowledged, trying to lift your leg to step out but nearly slipping instead.

“On second thought,” he mentioned before stepping forward, “don’t,” wrapping one arm around your waist and lifting you up as if your weight meant nothing to him.

His hair tickled your nose as you carefully put you down on the dry floor while his scent flooded you.

Okay, here comes the worst part.

Loki turned towards the door to grab your shorts from the hook and came back with a considerate look on his face.

You did not have any idea how to go about this without exposing yourself to him. And at this point, the pain was too much to even think about what Loki would think. But you did know you would bang your head in every wall you saw once the pain had gone and been replaced by pure awkwardness.

Loki, on the other hand, was actually doing something about it. Watching the horror piling up on your face as you saw your shorts in his hands, he understood it all too well.

So, thinking what was the most obvious choice, he swiped his finger on the inside of his lip before killing the light off the candles one by one.

When the last one died under his fingers did you realise what he was trying to do, allowing your rapidly accelerating heartbeat to settle down a bit.

The darkness was quite surreal. At first, there was nothing but a blank space. Pure perfect black. And then slowly you started making out shapes as light passed through pinholes from the opaque paper that covered the windows. Tiles. Outline of the basin.

Loki.

You caught your breath as his silhouette came close enough for you to feel the heat radiating off your body be absorbed by his cold one. Copying calm movements of the shoulder marking his breathing, you let go of the fabric separating the riled up air between you and him.

The towel dropped on to the floor. Your better hand came forward in the darkness to land on his chest- recoiling at the closeness first- before going up.

“Left leg,” he spoke softly, making a certain spring inside you coil up as you felt him kneel before you.

Oh God. The things your brain was imagining right now.

You did as he asked, lifting your leg, feeling the cold touch of his hand as it grazed by your ankle to help you; did the same with your other leg before his hands moved the pair up the length of your legs. His breath tantalised your thighs. Close. He was too close. His thumb grazed by them like miniature icicles teasing you with that minute touch to do nothing but provoke the parts where it went by, leaving bits of you in flames.

The moment he let his thumbs away, the elastic snapping on your waist got you back from your disruptive thoughts that had started creating one pulsating curiosity in between your legs.

You could feel the muscles under your hand- that you were using for support- move. In the midst of turning your head down and bending a little to make out the cause of that movement in the dark, you felt your jaw strike something hard and go backwards, bringing out a defeated grunt from inside your throat.

“Sorry,” you both muttered as Loki's reflexes worked to prevent you from losing balance and falling back, grabbing you by the small of your back and pushing you closer towards him.

“Don't fall,” he warned as you felt the cold from his hands work its way into your spine- both up and down, firing up the neurons appropriately for either direction as if his touch knew what it was doing.

His breath fanned your baby hair falling down on your forehead, making you wonder how close his lips were to yours.

You are in insufferable pain, your arm tried to remind you.

A-women, the coil in your abdomen raised its hands, causing you to clench your toes.

The injured arm- with a little effort and a lot of pain- went across your chest to keep the modesty- that had no place right now anywhere in the dark but your own mind- intact.

Loki brought your shirt from the hook and layered it before grabbing hold of your bare shoulders in the dark.

“Stay still.”

You are not making it easy to stay still, Jack Frost.

“What?”

“Hm?”

“Did you say something?”

“Nope.”

You knew he was rolling his eyes at you from somewhere before you felt a familiar fabric with your scent come over your head and fall the rest of the way.

The good arm did the work on its own. The bad one took some growling, curses, the God's personal instructions on how to pass an arm through a shirt.

“Are you stretching it? Don't stretch it. You'll tear the fabric.”

“I'm not stretching it I'm trying to straighten my arm without feeling a thousand candles burning it from the inside.”

“Highly impractical but go off I guess.”

“Your mouth is impractical. Ghh!”

“Don't twist it. Just move it straight up as if you were trying to punch someone taller than you.”

“Last time I checked I am the one in pain, Loki. Just shush and let me work my way around-”

“Did you just tear the stitch?”

“...”

“Y/N.”

“...no.”

“I heard a little rip. Y/N I am telling you-”

“It's done.”

“Show me.”

You felt his hand grab your upper waist and run up, making you flinch and smack it hard.

“W-hey!”

“I said it's done. Thank you for your help.”

With that, you grabbed your towel from the floor and moved out of the bathroom- “Wait, don't go out. It's-” immediately regretting leaving the somewhat heated dark space.

“What in the actual f-”

“Freezing.”

The apartment was bitter beyond your capacity and the rumble of thunder from outside was not a positive effect in any sense. Chilly wind was blowing in from the broken window pane, driving the temperature down by a couple of notches.

“I'm going to die in here,” you groaned before running over to the bed and getting under the comforter. “You're cold too, dammit,” you pouted at the fluff before smacking it halfheartedly and burying your face in it.

“Romanoff called while you were in there,” Loki began as he moved towards the systems showing the working camera and heat signatures, “she warned me about the incoming storm tonight. Stark has set up signals to track any unusual movements from inside that house. So, we need not take shifts tonight.”

You brought your knees closer to your chest under the cold comforter to feel some ounce of heat inside you.

“And she assured me Clint was properly punished for the beer,” he concluded, giving a once-over to the screen before turning towards you.

“Good,” you nodded in response, visibly shivering under the heavy, supposedly warm, layers, “good. So?”

Loki licked his lips while his hands stopped in the midst of clasping on to each other. “So?”

You raised your shoulders like it was the most obvious thing to do.

“So, what the heck are you waiting for? Get in here,” you declared.

His usually cocky brow took up a notch as it showered its judgemental stare down on you. “I beg your pardon?”

And that did it for you.

Your face went blank even as your body vibrated, trying to kindle some kind of heat in the middle of a frozen apartment while looking at the frost giant with a murderous gaze.

“I am freezing here. My arm is pulsating with mind-numbing pain, thanks to the cold. The only thing close to a radiator, or even a freaking human body, is you. So drop your chivalry veiling the ego for one night and get under the covers before I die of hypothermia and you have to explain to the rest of the group what went down.”

Loki watched you, mouth agape, taking a few moments of his own to let your words seep in.

“You have a pretty sharp tongue for someone who is suffering do you know that, woman!” He practically spat out the last word, making you to close your mouth at his aversion towards you.

Flopping back on the mattress, you turned to the other side- the one that did not face Loki but made you put nearly all your weight on the hurting side- and face the wall. Closing your eyes, you used the rage inside you to kindle some kind of warmth as you brought the rest of your body close to speed up the process.

The exhaustion, pain and lack of heat played their own tunes in your mind- one sticking to a bongo, other an upright bass and the last one, the largest possible gong- making you walk in and out of a wavy sleep that might have lasted five minutes or half an hour. But somewhere in the midst of the waking up and falling back down, you felt the bed dip behind you, causing you to turn and face Loki through tired eyelids.

“Trust our egos to kill us without mercy,” he whispered, never taking his eyes off you as he planted one arm under your head and pulled you closer to him by the waist with the other one.

You didn't fight. The heat from his hands was welcomed by your shuddering muscles, more than ever. You pushed your head from his arm to his chest, finally breathing easy as his heat travelled to your cheek.

Loki hesitated at first, taken by surprise as you just made your way over to his chest. But once he could feel your tremble on his own skin, he instinctively wrapped his arm around you to provide you with as much warmth as he could, gradually.

A peaceful moan escaped a sleeping you as your trembles died and your breathing normalised, sending the God's heart in a flurry. He carefully placed your injured arm over him, keeping it at level with- or maybe a little higher- the rest of your body so as to have rest as much as it could.

Your leg shifted under the fluffiness of the comforter curling over Loki's. Even in your sleep it was hard to miss the hardness it came in contact with under the sheets but you did not want to be bothered by it. At least not tonight. That was a thing to unpack for tomorrow maybe. So, you tucked it carefully in one corner of your brain, never realising what a simple graze from your touch was already brewing in the poor God's mind, making sure he wouldn't get much sleep with the thoughts he was going to try to keep at bay for the rest of the night.

TAGLIST

Permanent

@magiclolipopqueen @choke-me-sweet-pea @smexylemony @hazzastyles2471 @lokis-lady-death @lokixme @l0kisbitch @tarithenurse @joyofbebbanburg @itheoneofmanyfandomsi @nalokoniloki @fuckidontknow @qualitynerdwasteland @cryinglots @unipanda1006 @literalangels @meganlikesfandoms @kcd15 Lok @avenging-blackwidow @yzssie @wishrains @ultraslytherwin @loki-the-fox @awkward-dr-strang3rman @royaldork @arianna-17-11 @uranusismyfavoriteplanette @marvelrose @gotta-get-back-to-johnlock @moonlightprime @keepingupwiththelaufeysons @writingpromptsstuff @auroraborialis15 @marvel-cinematic-universe0123 @henloamkitty @alexakeyloveloki @markusstraya

[tessatechaitea]

Team Titans #17

Team Titans is an anagram of Fuck Donald Trump.

The joke in the caption relies on regular readers knowing that I keep doing anagrams of the title except this time the anagram isn't an anagram at all! I know some people probably didn't even have to double check, especially the really observant ones who instinctively knew that "Team Titans" did not contain an "F". But the other point of that caption is to make readers who both enjoy Donald Trump and the stupid shit I write about comic books suddenly realize that they don't like what I write at all. In half a second, they'll realize how stupidly wrong they were about their opinions of this blog. In a half second after that, they'll admit that they've always thought I was a dumb asshole who has never written anything clever in his entire life. A few seconds after that, they'll probably be jerking off to another Hillary Clinton rant by Sean Hannity. We all have to face the consequences of our beliefs and actions. One of the consequences of supporting the modern GOP lampreys attached to the tits and ass fat of Donald Trump is that you don't get to enjoy myriad entertainments. Pretty much all you've got is Last Man Standing and reruns of Home Improvement. Of course, you could try to ignore what you've now learned because I probably won't mention it again for quite some time. But it's also possible I might pull at your victim status trigger again by the next paragraph! Speaking of triggers, the NRA can eat their own filthy asshole. Unless they like doing that! They seem like the kind of organization that would like doing that! And I don't mind kink-shaming people who love to eat their own filthy assholes because the Venn Diagram of people who can eat their own assholes and people who love to eat filthy assholes is nonexistent.

This whole nineties Teen Titans thing went off the rails a tiny bit when they introduced a rapist version of Nightwing with a nipple ring.

Is it weird that I have an unrepentant love for Lobo and a slightly repentant love for Deathstork but I feel like I'd be crossing a line having any kind of love for Deathwing? I get why people love Lobo because he's over the top and his space jeans craft a nice package in his nether area. Plus the chains! So penis stiffening! And Deathstork was cool enough to have gotten an underage girl he fucked killed without the entire comic book community feeling disgusted by him. I think his old age helped. Deathstork is like a beloved grandfather who tells such incredible stories from his youth that nobody minds that 23% of them are racist. But if somebody told me Deathwing was their favorite character, I'd be frightened. Although I guess they could mitigate that fright by explaining they like the Rebirth Deathwing and then I'd just be, "Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were gay. Cool!" That probably came across as me using gay as a synonym for lame but it was meant to express my feelings that Rebirth Deathwing should be a gay icon, if he isn't already. Like the Babadook. In that picture above, Deathwing is coming out of a clockmaker's closet (so maybe he's a gay icon too?), probably to rape the clockmaker (Oh yeah! He's totally rapey, so probably not a gay icon!). Now I'm wondering why Superman doesn't stop more rapes? Or why he doesn't commit himself to stopping all rapes? He could end rape forever with his powers! I guess he just doesn't have the commitment to end rape. You know how fast rape would have been stopped if Bruce Wayne's parents had been raped in that alley? Considering how many murders still happen in Gotham City even though Batman has dedicated his life to stopping injustice, I'm guessing it wouldn't have been fast at all. Batman is a huge failure. Meanwhile back at the Long Ranch, Nightrider (as opposed to Deathrider, his rapey twin), recovers from being shot by the neighbor. Granted, the neighbor also tracked down the wounded vampire to rescue him. He didn't realize he was shooting a living, feeling creature. He just thought he was killing a stupid bat! I hope no bats read this blog! They might think I'm being insensitive to bats! And, I mean, I am! But I don't want them to know that! They might start sending me memes of their creepy little faces saying things like, "Bats have rights too!" and "Bats cry more than most human males!" and "Today is the worst day of the rest of your terrible life, motherfucker!" That last one would make a good motivational poster for the lunchroom at most offices.

Wait. Is "vampire" a derogatory term?!

I just watched a Kids React video on YouTube about whether or not "hell" was a curse word. Sydney took the opportunity to say as many near curse words as she thought she could get away with. I'm pretty sure if I were young or hip or with it (which I obviously am not as noted by my usage of "hip" and "with it"), I would now use the word stan somehow. Why is there a Kids React for "How to Cure a Hangover"? What the fuck is wrong with the Fine Brothers?! Here are some more great ideas for your dumb Internet show: "Kids React to Joe Pesci's Death Scene in Goodfellas" "Kids React to Satanic Rituals" "Kids React to Seeing Their Parents Murdered" "Kids React to Goat Testicles" "Kids React to Their First Blow Job" I should stop listing these because I could do it all day and also I think some of them would actually work. The "How to Cure a Hangover" video isn't actually a Kids React; it's an advice episode featuring all ages of reactors. The first question they must give advice for is "How do I get someone to kiss me on New Year's Eve?" According to a lot of the answers, nobody seemed to give much of a shit about consent in 2016. Although my stan Sydney is all, "Get your parents to kiss you!" Oh my God she owns the world. The next question Sydney answers is "How do I touch a rainbow?" She says to get the biggest ladder in the world so she might be kind of dumb. I mean, a ladder doesn't have to be that big to touch a rainbow! Although she is just a kid so I'll let her slide on this answer. I suppose it's more important that she gives a cute answer than a correct one. For "How do I cure a hangover?", Sydney says, "Why are you asking me this question?" After which, I'm assuming, she walked off camera and kicked both Fine Brothers in the balls at the same time. Okay, back to Team Titans! The neighbor tries to apologize by explaining that he wouldn't have tried to murder the bat if he'd known it wasn't a disgusting bat. Terry Long, the worst character in a comic book full of terrible characters (and I'm including Deathwing here!), blames the victim and Terra's angst meter tops out. She goes into a blind Tumblr rage without any regard to the neighbor's apology, explaining how Nightrider was only acting on his true nature. The row disturbs Donna's baby which becomes the worst issue of the night.

"Whith"? I've never noticed Donna's weird accent before this issue! I also love how she thrusts her baby at the others to show that they've upset it.

While the majority of the team take Nightrider to STAR Labs for treatment (can't they just let him suck the baby a little bit?), Mirage and Terra stay behind to protect Terry and the baby. Well, Terra stays behind to protect them. Mirage still suffers from the trauma of being raped while none of the others seem to give a shit. She's decided to run away and have her baby somewhere else. Hopefully she won't have the baby in the town where Deathwing grew up because you know what that would mean, right?! Ugh, I can't even type it! Mirage was raped by her own time traveling son! Okay, it wasn't that hard to type after all.

Out in the yard, four elementals are approaching to kill Terra: an elemental of glaciers, an elemental of shit, an elemental of men's farts, and an elemental of lady's farts.

Over at STAR Labs, Doctor Velcro determines Nightrider's life can't be saved because he's already dead. He's a vampire! And Doctor Velcro knows because he's a not just a vampire specialist but a vampire himself! He's one of the Creature Commandos! His prescription to keep Nightrider alive is human blood. At this declaration, the rest of the Team Titans begin acting like Nightrider is a goner. So their first thought is that he's going to die if he doesn't drink human blood? Not one of them is all, "Drink from my veins, buddy! As much as you need! Well, maybe not too much! You know, just a taste! But there are like eight of us, so you can probably get your fill by sampling us all!" Fucking jerks.

The 90s had some pretty fucking nihilistic AIDS public service adverts.

As Terra protects New York as a Team Titan by defending herself against elementals that want to kill her, the rest of the Team Titans defend New York by battling a bunch of electric beings in thongs that want to kidnap Killowat. I laugh in your face, Councilwoman Alderman! Look at all the good these Titans are doing for the city! The energy beings easily kidnap Killowat because he only had the majority of the Team Titans and Battalion defending him. Terra, all alone, just barely manages not to die in her battle right before a newly human Prester Jon (back from the Terminus Agenda!) manages to save her.

This might be my favorite panel from 1994. In case you couldn't tell by his idiotic hands or his stupid baby, that's Terry Long under the clock.

The person who kidnapped Killowat turns out to be the clockmaker's old beau, the one that taught her to work on futuristic Titans' communicators. He was a member of the Team Titans named Lazarium but he seems to have been a spy working for Lord Chaos. The leader of the Team Titans (identity still unknown!) sent him and his team back in time to die. But he survived and now he owns a good chunk of the media world. His name might as well be Rupert Murdoch because he has a media empire that's trying to turn the world against heroes and he has his own sexual harassment problems in his organization, seeing as how Deathwing works for him. Team Titans #17 Rating: It took seventeen issues but I'm finally interested in this comic book! The Lazarium story arc has momentum and ties in to the overall history of the team, hopefully finally separating them from the Titans book for a bit. I know it still relies on garbage time travel theories but it also threatens to expose Killowat as a huge racist piece of shit! That should be exciting! It's also slightly heavy on implied rape which I didn't mean to add as one of the reasons I'm enjoying the book but just as a simple fact to say, "Look. This was a comic book from 1994! Rape was an important plot point to raise tension and pull on the emotional heartstrings of an audience that didn't quite understand how writers were just using rape as a lazy way of creating drama and emotional tenstion!" What I'm trying to say is: B+! Good work, everybody!

[avani008]

Four Seasons Meme: Mughal Women of History

For @parlegee! Gulbadan Banu, Ruqaiyya, Arjumand Banu/Mumtaz Mahal, and Jahanara behind the cut

GULBADAN BANU

Spring

the circumstances of his/her birth | favorite (or least favorite) family member | first word | happiest birthday | gender swap au

Of all Humayan’s brothers, Ghafur causes him the least trouble. True, his oldest brother is almost fifteen years older, and more a father than the faint memory of the great Babur; but such obedience is still remarkable. Hindal, Kamran, and Askari all demand more and more of their brother, but Ghafur is content to be left alone with his studies.

Humayun asks, once, if it doesn’t sting to be the son of a conqueror with no land of his own; his brother, however, only smiles insolently. “You might be ruler of the world, brother,” he says, “but I am master of the thousands that I discover in my books.”

Summer

fantasy | love language of choice | a pet or other animal companion| the decoration of their bedroom| fusion au

From afar, the ladies of the Emperor’s household can only be identified from each other by their colors of their veils--and the nature of the daemons  that trail after them. Hamida bears a stoat, stern and reliable; Bega Begum manifests a crowd of butterflies that obey her beck and call. Gulbadan--well, Gulbadan’s is wasted on her, so her sisters-in-law tease; she is so much more often to be found tucked away in the library rather than the gardens. But on the rare occasions when she can be coaxed into the sunlight, her pheasant’s coat catches the eye and ensnares the mind--and Gulbadan, absent-minded, only plucks another of its fine feathers to use as a pen.

Fall

the one person/cause/ideal they would sacrifice everything for| storms| nightmare | the lie(s) he/she has told | hero/villain reversal au

The father she creates for her nephew is sure and self-assured, his mistakes nothing more than amusing stories. Jalal loves him, she knows; he asks her to repeat his favorite tales again and again, until she thinks she will tire of it. Gulbadan refuses to feel guilty for it. The Humayan-who-isn’t might be concocted of lies, but at least they are pretty ones, but the love he feels for his son is sincere--and shared by Gulbadan herself. Her heart is clear, her lips admit to no crime, and her nephew content: and nothing else concerns her.

Winter

haunting | tarot | then and now | gods and mortals | reincarnation au/historical era swap

There are times when Gulbadan wonders if she has not been been born to the wrong era: that instead she should have been better served looking back at this great deeds from afar. Certainly she goes out of her way not to interfere with her nephew’s reign other than to give what advice she was—and what good can that do? But when, on her deathbed, she confides this secret shame to Jalal, he protests.

“I look ahead always, Aunt,” he reminds her. “But only because I have you to look behind: How was I ever to rule if you did not keep me from repeating the mistakes of our past?”

That, at least, is something. She closes her eyes and slips into death.

RUQAIYYA

Spring

the circumstances of his/her birth | favorite (or least favorite) family member | first word | happiest birthday | gender swap au

Jalal is her husband, yes, but more than that, he is the one constant companion from her childhood. Of course she has always known they must wed, even if it made both their hearts sink; but that has never meant they cannot be friends. If anything, their alliance and agreement is even more important—the empire of Babur stretches forth before him, and it will take both their efforts to protect it.

Ruqaiyya must wed, for a woman cannot hold the destiny of an empire in her hand alone—but if she must, she is grateful it shall be Jalal.

Summer

fantasy | love language of choice | a pet or other animal companion| the decoration of their bedroom| fusion au

Ruqaiyya does not love, not as others do.

Not for her the way of poetry or sighs; not for her kisses or caresses. When they are alone, Jalal treats her as chastely as he does his sisters, and she would have it no other way. What she offers him in return is the sharpness of her mind and the keenness of her judgment: the strength to make the sacrifices he cannot make alone. Perhaps he knows it, perhaps not: but to be suffered in silence is the nature of her love—not towards her husband, but rather the power he commands.

Fall

the one person/cause/ideal they would sacrifice everything for| storms| nightmare | the lie(s) he/she has told | hero/villain reversal au

“Are you my mother?” Khurram asks, and a thousand half-truths crowd into Ruqaiyya’s mind.

I ought to be, is an option, and In every way that matters, but what comes out is: “Yes.”

Khurram nods in satisfaction, and she thinks that will be the of it; but the next time Jagat Gosain is permitted to see her son and picks him up impetuously, Khurram wails and stretches out his hands to Ruqaiyya instead.

Jagat Gosain’s face pales, but she can say nothing against the Empress. A pity for the poor girl, but compared to what Ruqaiyya hopes to create: a successor for Jalal, whose sons shall secure the Empire forever? Any number of lies is worth it.

She only wishes she could believe this herself.

Winter

haunting | tarot | then and now | gods and mortals | reincarnation au/historical era swap

When it’s time for the board to announce their decision as to next CEO, there is only one choice possible: Jalal, of course--more photogenic and popular by far. Ruqaiyya understands this.

But in the same vein, when the vote for COO must be made-- the second-highest ranking officer, and the silently acknowledged power behind the throne--Ruqaiyya expects only to hear her name.

She is not disappointed; she never is.

ARJUMAND BANU

Spring

the circumstances of his/her birth | favorite (or least favorite) family member | first word | happiest birthday | gender swap au

When Arjumand grows up, she swears she’ll be just like her aunt.

“Impossible task!” pronounces Nur Jahan herself. “Unless you learn some manners, you wild thing. Watching swordfights and whooping at elephants--what prince will have you then?”

So Arjumand tempers herself, learns to embroider and smile prettily; to peer as keenly at documents as does her aunt. Only this she cannot bear: to slip her spouse certain potions and herbs to send him into a happy stupor.

“It contents him,” says Nur Jahan. “It’s for the best.” For the empire, perhaps--what country would not prosper with Nur Jahan’s steady hand at the helm?--but not Khurram. Never Khurram.

“I think,” says her aunt, when Arjumand is sixteen, “that I have underestimated you, my dear.” So she has said before; so all her enemies quake to hear.

Arjumand beams with delight.

Summer

fantasy | love language of choice | a pet or other animal companion| the decoration of their bedroom| fusion au

Khurram showers her with gifts, but Arjumand returns them all only with silence.

A better bargain that it seems at first; during the day, her husband is surrounded by flatterers and flunkies, who chatter like mynahs of what he can do for them. The nights he spends with her (most, if she’s honest) should, she judges, should instead offer some degree of peace. Besides, its her presence he craves, steady and faithful, unwilling to leave his side, no matter what comes -- should they face even exile, even intrigue, even the anger of the aunt Arjumand had once adored.

She speaks her devotion in such a way; and Khurram, sensitive to all she does, hears.

Fall

the one person/cause/ideal they would sacrifice everything for| storms| nightmare | the lie(s) he/she has told | hero/villain reversal au

Arjumand is her aunt’s creature, and so she will remain.

She learns to use her wiles to win her whatever she desires; she learns to wheedle and whine when she does not get her way. She looks at Khurram, and, as pleasing as she finds him, knows she deserves better. Nur Jahan, approving, agrees.

Arjumand smiles and simpers and steals away to confess all her aunt. And when, one by one, all Jahangir’s sons fall, she waits to see which shall be the victor she will wed.

Winter

haunting | tarot | then and now | gods and mortals | reincarnation au/historical era swap

All she wants is not to be forgotten.

The world thinks she insists on a memorial unlike any other; and who would begrudge a dying woman the the money her husband must spend to fulfill her wish? But what she wants is to be more than a faint memory that Khurram reflects on with mild indulgence, a cipher her children barely recall. To have them share stories of what she did and what she looked like would have been enough: but, she supposes, the palace of the Taj will do well enough.

In this way, at least, her spirit will survive.

JAHANARA

Spring

the circumstances of his/her birth | favorite (or least favorite) family member | first word | happiest birthday | gender swap au

Jahanara is born into love. She realizes only later that not everyone is so fortunate, but so she is. She is the second child born of the pleasure her parents find in each other: her sister Hur-al-Nisa not quite a year her senior, and the two of them coo to each other from their cradles until, one day, when she is barely two, Jahanara finds the bed next to hers empty, never again to be filled with her sister’s body.

Jahanara is born into love, and at first knows only joy; but all too soon, learns what it is to mourn.

Summer

fantasy | love language of choice | a pet or other animal companion| the decoration of their bedroom| fusion au

Her rooms are furnished more elegantly than any other woman’s; such is the privilege of an Emperor’s beloved daughter, and, later, another’s favorite sister. They are perfumed with foreign scents, brought from faraway lands, patterned with delicate rugs; heavy gold trinkets are gathered in chests to the side. The stuff of every woman’s dreams--and she would give it all up in an instant, if only to see Mother, or Dara, just once more again.

Fall the one person/cause/ideal they would sacrifice everything for| storms| nightmare | the lie(s) he/she has told | hero/villain reversal au In her nightmares, Mother watches her with empty eyes.

“I left you with one task, Jannu,” she whispers; and Jahanara’s mouth opens, to protest that she could not know that Roshanara and Aurangazeb would turn against Father, that Dara would prove such a fool, that Jahanara herself would join him in the end.

Instead she tries to divert what she can of the blame. “If you had lived,” she tells Mother, “none of this would come to pass.”

Mother does not argue; Mother cannot argue with that. Instead she leaves, as she always does, and Jahanara is left behind, as ever, with only the ache of loneliness in her abdomen.

Winter

haunting | tarot | then and now | gods and mortals | reincarnation au/historical era swap

One of the gifts her father receives from visitors is a deck of cards: some painted with figures entirely unknown to her, and some as unpleasant as they are striking. They are used to foretell the future, Father explains as he allows them to examine them; but surely it must be meant only for others, Jahanara decides. None of those strike her with anything like familiarity or truth.

Save, that is, for that which features a woman enthroned, crown upon her head, scepter loosely held in her hand. The Empress, the ambassador translates, and Jahanara smiles with satisfaction.

[inevera13]

I Love Myself

Shocking new info! Turns out I now like myself!!! It figures this would happen in the fated year of 2017. To many people this might sound like the most obvious thing, but I've been living in a bubble of self-hate for the past few years, so to start crying hopelessly at 2am on a mid-august night because I suddenly discovered I didn't hate myself (or was sick of doing it) really did change my life for the better.

(Continue reading below)

The realization really did come out of nowhere, and I cried for hours through the night, a cheek-splitting smile plastered on my face. I was suddenly bursting with so much love and happiness I couldn't contain it all within me. I cried and cried and smiled and laughed, and I don't think I had ever felt better. Because liking or loving other people is truly such an amazing experience, but being able to love yourself - to tell yourself words you never thought would apply to you - it truly does feel breathtaking. Once you find you love yourself, it gets SO MUCH MORE fulfilling to love other people, it feels like you can do more for them, like all the love accumulated inside of you can reach new heights. I finally felt like myself. It felt so unbelievably right, like it was meant to be, like I SHOULD love myself, not hate. All humans were made to love, not hate, and there's already enough hate going around for me to decide I hate myself when I know I do so many good things and can do other much better things. Really, I was the only one stopping me from being "good enough"; I set these weird standards for myself, not realizing that this is who I'm meant to be. Of course, I'm growing every day, getting better and better as time progresses, learning new things with every tick of the clock, and I'm not trying to say "this is who I am, you can't change me, you just have to accept me" because in theory that's great! But, in reality? We learn from others every day, we change constantly, and we shouldn't be too arrogant to do that. But even so, we should accept ourselves as we are, even if we make a billion mistakes a day (as we sometimes do), because it's okay, and you're gonna become better, there's no need to feel like throwing yourself out the window, even though I know FEELINGS are impossible to control or change in a snap of the fingers. But the good thing about humans is that we can fix things, we can start over, we can do it all if we just try, and we can change. Some things are irreversible but you can always better them, or be at peace with them. That's how we work, we keep moving, you can keep moving! About a year ago, I was the "I hate everything and everyone" girl, but that has never been true, it has never, ever, been me. Sometimes it felt real, because I was so angry, so sad, so...enraged at myself, at the situation I'd somehow put myself in. And if you'd asked any of my friends, they'd probably have told you that I was a very negative person, that everything I touched would immediately turn miserable. I thought the same for a long time, I kind of saw the world through half-lidded, sadness darkened eyes, and my constant moods didn't (*don't) help solidify whether I was a stable person. But the truth is I've always been an extremely positive person, and I feel like I let that positivity seep through every time I talked to someone that desperately needed it in their lives. And it felt GOOD, it felt RIGHT. And now I'm finally - FINALLY - letting it consume me, filling every one of my veins, my bloodstream, making its way into my lungs and helping me breathe right again. Once I accepted that, that I was an extremely positive person, everything seemed to turn better, brighter, easier. I'm happy!!! And I wanna make people happy! I have passion and things I believe in, I have kindness and love inside me. I absolutely love people and I'm filled with hope in the world. And I'm sick of hating myself, sick of thinking that's "modesty", because it absolutely isn't. And being confident isn't the same as being conceited. And there're gonna be people who don't like me, of course there are, and it's probably gonna bother me a little because I'm a people pleaser at heart, but at least I like myself and I have myself. And if I can accept and love all the other flawed people, then surely the right people can do the same for me, even when I talk too much and too loudly, even when all I can seem to do is giggle helplessly, even when I cry over little things, even when I lose social energy and have to slump back for a minute, even when my mood sours for no apparent reason, even when I get jealous... I know I'm a good friend, I would do anything to make someone I like - or love - smile, and if someone can't do that for me, then they don't deserve me anyway. Not many people know the meaning behind "inevera", a term I use often, but - long story short - it means "will of the Universe" and it's a word that deeply comforts me but - sometimes - I feel like I surrounded myself with the word so much that I forgot its meaning. You CAN get through this. You CAN live without them. You CAN survive. I'm not 100% okay (is anyone ever?), but I don't think I have ever been happier. School is harder than ever and I'm really gonna have to pull through this year, but I finally feel capable. And now I can support my friends, I can do it all, and so much better than before. I can't give you a recipe to stop self-loathing, and maybe you think this is a load of bull, but I do think it's at least worth it to try and get rid of the hate. I say it came suddenly, but I really think it was a slow-paced journey that I didn't notice all too much. I still have my moments, but I'm okay now, I can finally say I love myself, and it's truly freeing. I'm so, so, so filled with love, and I just wanna share it with everyone I can. I delayed writing this for a long time, but now that I'm doing it, it's all coming out so easily. If you read my older posts, you'll find more than one where I say I hate myself, that I'm not good enough and never will be; I never want to feel that way again, so I'm gonna keep working on myself, even if sometimes I get anxious, even if I make mistakes, or don't feel like I've done enough. I'm trying my best, or at least I'm almost there. And I do think it's gonna be okay. This all sounds so messy, but that's what feelings are like, isn't it? They're messy, fast-paced, they change, they're unperceivable...but I felt like I should put it out there. I hope someone reads it and smiles. And I hope they turn out okay. At this time, the world seems to be collectively sad, I see all the depressive popular memes I used to retweet and reblog without hesitation and instead of laughing, I feel like crying, because I know all the truth that lies behind that funny image or quote. I just wanna make the world a better, happier place, and even if my (or your) impact is small, it's still an impact. Don't hesitate on doing something you believe is positive, the batting of your wings could either create a hurricane or bring rain to a dry land. I hope you love yourself.

Lara In Disguise 

[sweetnestor]

Stone Cold | december pt. 1

university au + platonic + romantic + angst, teamiplier + jack

sequel to: Story of Another Us | also on ao3 | previous chapter

WARNING: suicide mentions

Bella’s song choices: Good Enough by Little Mix, How to Save a Life by The Fray

It was finally cold enough to constantly wear long sleeves and hoodies. I was finally able to comfortably live in every sweater I owned, and purchase plenty more. It also meant that I didn’t have to cover my wrists with ridiculous amounts of makeup anymore. I could breathe properly for the next few months.

“You’re telling me,” Helena said in surprise when I was in her office that week, “Jack doesn’t know about your suicide attempt?”

I shook my head. “I thought Mark would have told him while I was being treated, but when I found out that he didn’t, I asked him to keep it that way.”

Helena’s brows furrowed as she jotted it down. “I see. And as far as you know, Mark has kept that promise?”

“Yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t doubt it if he told his… Amy.”

“Okay. Well, in other words, you haven’t talked about your attempt outside of this office?”

“Nope. It’s not really something you can just casually bring up at the dinner table,” I said.

“Yes, I understand,” Helena said. “However, you haven’t felt the need to talk about it with a friend? More specifically, Jack?”

I began to tap my foot anxiously. Usually, I just pretend like that whole fiasco never happened. It was easy that way, because then it was easier to forget to tell Jack it even happened. I mean, I had hideous scars on my wrists, stomach, and thighs that made it a little difficult. Sometimes I would relive that night in my sleep. Talking about it made me think about it too much and eventually sent me spiraling. But other than that, it’s like it never happened.

“So there’s this guy in my life,” I blurted out, wanting to move on from this topic.

“Oh?” Helena gestured for me to go on.

That was when I realized I didn’t have much to say. “Um… his name is Ethan. He’s got blue hair. Uh…”

“Where did you meet him?”

“YTU Homecoming. He’s um, he’s sweet.”

“A sweet, blue haired boy named Ethan,” Helena spoke, smiling warmly. “Was he your date?”

“Oh no. I went with Jack, who’s friends with Ethan.”

“Okay. So… do you have a crush on him?”

I thought about Ethan. I did get along with him better than I had anticipated. While I had only spoken to him a few times, and hung out with him once, I found my mind taking a million steps ahead of reality. I wanted to play with his hair more. I wanted to hold his hand and hug him. He’s got an irresistibly adorable face. He’s funny and endearing. I wanted to listen to him talk about nothing. I wanted him to listen to me and… validate my feelings. Or, reciprocate them.

“Shit,” I whispered in realization.

“I’ll take that as a yes!” Helena said happily. “Alright, so should we schedule your next appointment?”

~

I know the word “trigger” is a huge meme on the Internet. It didn’t sit well with me, a person who has many triggers. A lovely little bitch named anxiety kept me from publicly speaking up about it, however. At the same time, because I’ve seen it be used so comically online, I couldn’t say that I was triggered by talk of suicide without wanting to giggle a little bit. You could imagine how hard it was to mention anything that I had done to my only friend.

Since it was mentioned in my therapy session, I felt weird. I hadn’t actively thought about cutting into my veins since the summertime, and now it felt like it was popping up everywhere. I didn’t know what to do except buy more shit online. All I could do was buy the pain away.

To be honest, I didn’t know how to feel that I survived. I couldn’t describe how I felt when I woke up in the hospital. Part of me wanted to jump out the window the first chance I got, but the other part of me had a feeling that it was meant to be this way. Nowadays, I wasn’t really sure why I hadn’t tried to kill myself again. Maybe I wanted to keep making videos. Maybe I wanted more makeup. Maybe it was my followers. I wasn’t happy by any means, but I didn’t exactly have the energy to end my life either.

I didn’t understand. If I’m meant to live on this planet, in this doomed country, in this suffocating city, having a career with a huge platform, shouldn’t I be worthy of it? All my life, I was told over and over again that I was not good enough to be around anyone. My parents didn’t want me, nor did the rest of my relatives. People on the Internet didn’t like me because of my ranty makeup videos. Mark literally broke up with me because Amy was better than me. It was clear, I wasn’t meant to be around anyone, so I tried to die.

But it didn’t work. That should mean something, right? It should mean that I’m meant to stay alive, but did that still apply if I was just an empty shell? Was I supposed to continue functioning like this? Did I have to go on with life carrying this heavy burden? Did I have to find a person and let them love an empty, beating heart? Did I have to continue being a role model even if I was dead inside? Was I meant to stay broken?

Do not fall apart. Swallow the bad feelings. Do not bother anyone with this.

“Okay,” I whispered to myself. Why did I always have most of these thoughts in the car? It was like I was in a trance.

I shook myself, trying to clear the thoughts in my head. I sat back in my seat and tried to relieve the tension in my jaw, neck, and shoulders. I couldn’t remember not being tense. It was unnerving and unsettling.

“Okay, okay, okay,” I whispered. Why was it so hard to calm down?

A sudden tap on the passenger window nearly made me scream out. I turned and saw Jack and Ethan standing outside my car. I unlocked the doors and let them in, trying to catch my breath.

“Hey, guys,” I softly greeted as we went off. This was standard daily procedure at this point. I could handle this.

“What’s up?” Jack replied.

“Sah dud,” Ethan sarcastically added.

The small laugh I released took off some tension. Thank you, angel.

“Why are you listening to sad songs?” Jack asked me, adjusting the volume on the radio.

Oh god. Little Mix had the perfect song to throw me into this funk. This band had a song for every mood, I swear.

“I’m a sad person,” I simply told him, which made both boys laugh.

“Listened to their new album yet?” Jack prompted. “I know you love them.”

Who even am I anymore?

“I kind of forgot about that,” I admitted sheepishly.

“Wait, who is this?” asked Ethan.

“Little Mix,” I told him.

“Also known as, Bella’s favorite group,” Jack added, then he looked at me. “I can’t believe you haven’t heard their new album yet! You’re usually on top of this stuff!”

I shrugged, not knowing how to explain my lack of enjoyment in things I normally liked. “I’ll listen when we get home.”

I drove on and kept my sad playlist on. Ethan gave me a nice comment about my interest in Birdy. I really couldn’t remember if I replied to him, but my insides went a little soft at his voice and my stomach filled with butterflies. So I was still capable of other emotions besides sadness, despair, and apathy. Good to know.

“Do you listen to Dodie Clark?” he asked me.

“Not really,” I replied. “She seems very Tumblr-esque.”

“Well, is that bad?” Undertones of defensiveness. Uh oh, he’s definitely going to hate me now.

“Of course not, it’s just not my style.” Save it, save it! “Maybe I should give her music another shot.”

“Here’s an idea!” Jack piped up. “Baller, you listen to Dodie. E-tan, you listen to Little Mix. Then, get back to each other and talk about it.”

He’s trying to get us to interact more. If I didn’t have some type of anxiety-inducing affection for Ethan, then I would be against this. I just didn’t have the guts to take initiative myself.

“I can do that,” the boy said. “What do you think, Bella?”

Well, now I certainly had to.

“Okay. Text me song recommendations, and I’ll send you some.”

“Alright.”

I was thinking of different songs I’d want him to hear. Should I go with the fun ones, or the ones that mean a lot to me? Wings or Secret Love Song, Pt. II? My thought process was interrupted when we got closer to Mark’s office. Again, standard daily procedure.

“Hey,” I said to Ethan as I pulled over to the curb, “does Mark know that I give you rides here?”

He slung his backpack over his shoulder before opening the door. “It’s like you said, he can mind his own business.”

~

My head was a strange mix of suicide and Ethan. I realize how morbid that sounds, but it was true. They were unrelated to each other, and it was always one or the other. I also wasn’t sure how I felt about either of those things.

Suicide was… an escape route. A sick sense of relief. An emergency exit.

Ethan was… a flashlight. A sense of hope. A breath of fresh air.

But did I only like him because it helped me repress the bad feelings? Did I only do this so I could get over Mark?

Whenever I thought of Mark, I still felt a dull ache in my chest. I still cried when I stalked his social media and watched his videos. I mean it wasn’t as devastating as it was when he first broke up with me, but it wasn’t easy to see him be happy without me, either. I didn’t want it to hurt anymore, but I didn’t want to cost someone else’s feelings in order to get over my own.

How could I be happy again?

I got home with that storm cloud over my head. Jack, the embodiment of sunshine, was excited.

“Can you believe I actually want to listen to this album?” he asked, bouncing his way over to the living room. “Bring on the glory days!”

I cracked a smile. Honestly, what would I do without him?

We sat in the living room, and I played the album on my laptop. I knew Jack wasn’t very into pop music, especially a band like Little Mix, but he was bopping his head to every dancey song. He was more about the beat, while I was about the lyrics.

There was only one soul crushing, tear jerker of a song on this album. It was too real for both me and Jack, so we spent those four minutes and nine seconds crying on the couch. The song after that was happy and upbeat, and ironically, it was called-

“‘No More Sad Songs,’” Jack read off the screen. He wiped his nose and sighed. “That should be our rule.”

I managed to smile. “You know I can’t go on without my sad songs.”

“I know. It’s our song now. We’re broken hearted messes, but we have each other.”

Jack put his arm around me and pulled me close to his side. I lied my head on his shoulder, liking the physical affection. He was very cuddly and comfortable, I couldn’t believe Signe let him go so quickly.

“What are you going to do about Ethan?” he asked after a while.

My stomach did a series of somersaults at the mention of his name. Hearts, fuzzy feelings, and a bout of anxiety went through my chest and all through my veins. I buried my head in Jack’s chest before I blushed too hard.

“Oh, come on,” he said, amused. “Go out with him! He likes you!”

I groaned. Why would he like me? I didn’t understand.

“He’s friends with Mark,” I whined.

“So am I!”

“That’s different!” I said, sitting back up so I could look at him. “You’re my friend, and Mark’s the reason why! I don’t… I don’t want Ethan to be just my friend…” I admitted it, and now those fuzzy hearts were intensifying.

“You say that like it’s such a bad thing,” Jack said. “Who cares if he’s friends with Mark? It’s none of his business what you do with Ethan. Or to him.” He playfully elbowed my side.

My phone, which was on the coffee table, lit up and buzzed suddenly. A new Twitter DM.

“Speak of the devil,” I said, reaching over to grab it.

“What’d he say?” Jack asked. “‘Hey baby, lemme smash.’”

“Shut up.”

I opened the message to find a small list of Dodie Clark songs. “Hope you like these :),” he added in a second message.

“I should probably send him some songs,” I stated, unable to keep down my goofy grin. Or my breathing steady.

“Bella’s got a boyfriend,” he teased.

I blushed and smacked his arm. “¡Ya callate!”

“Seriously, though. I think you guys would be good together. And you can’t stop smiling and your face is red, which means you agree with me.”

I was about to rebuttal with some “I’m too broken” comment, but then Jack’s phone started ringing. We both looked down and saw the name that appeared on the screen. My eyes widened, and then I looked at my friend, who had gone stoic. Just before I could grab his phone for him, he beat me to it. He answered and went off to his room.

I paused the music, deciding to finish the album later. I did look through the Little Mix songs in my library to send to Ethan. My first list was a bit longer than his, but eventually I narrowed it down to eight songs. When I went to send it over Twitter, I saw that he sent me another message.

“Hey, sorry to keep asking this, but can you give me a ride to the office tomorrow?”

I sent my list of songs, and then replied to his request. “Of course! No problem at all!”

His response was rather quick. “Thanks! I get out of class around 12:30, and I’ll listen to these songs right now! :)”

Like I said: fuzzy hearts.

~

I was a bit more excited about driving to YTU the next day. Conveniently, Jack had to go to campus to record, so I would be dropping him off when I had to pick up Ethan. For once, I had excited butterflies in my stomach, and I didn’t pop a Xanax beforehand. This was good anxiety. It was good, warm emotions that I couldn’t name.

Jack, on the other hand, seemed a little gloomy. He didn’t come out of his room for the rest of the night. I was wondering if I should have brought it up or not. It was always bizarre to see him so down, and I wanted to help him. I just didn’t know how to go about it.

“Gonna be okay?” I asked him as I pulled into the roundabout.

“Yeah, I just need to record,” he replied. “I think better when I record. I might stay for the whole day. I’ll keep you posted.”

“Alright, take your time.”

Jack got out of the car, and I heard him greet someone. I peered out the window and was happy to see Ethan walking out of the main office. I couldn’t help but smile when he got into the passenger seat.

“Have fun kids!” Jack called out to us before I drove off.

Although I was happy to see Ethan, I was still awful at making conversation. I just liked having him here, but I didn’t want to seem rude.

“So, do you love Dodie yet?” he asked.

I chuckled, relieved he had something to talk about. “I actually haven’t had the chance to hear her yet. Have you listened to Little Mix?”

“Only one,” he admitted. “I forgot the name, but it was an acapella one.”

“‘The End!’”

“Yes! I liked that one. They’re really talented.”

“Aren’t they?”

This only made my mood burst. He was open minded, thank god.

We went silent for a little bit, but it was nice. I mean, I was racing through many thoughts, trying to find something to talk about. Why did I have to be like this?

Again, Ethan was the one to break the silence. But what he said sent me nearly spiraling.

“I like you, Bella.”

I didn’t believe it when Jack first told me. Well, I actively chose not to believe it. I spent plenty of time talking myself out of the possibility of Ethan… just Ethan. There was no fucking way he could feel something for me other than pity. There had to be at least one time where he looked at me and thought, “Jesus fucking Christ, that’s a mess and a half.”

But no. Here we were in my car, stuck in LA traffic, the silence following his confession dawning on us. It was probably a bad sign that my first thought was, “Why would the poor boy do that to himself?” At least, that’s what my head said. My heart, however was leaping and crying out, “Oh god yes! Someone likes me! Someone can tolerate me despite that I’m in one of my worst depressive episodes! And he’s actually sweet and understanding and he can take me out of the dark hole my ex threw me in!” How could I do that?

“Please say something,” Ethan spoke nervously.

The car lurched forward an inch, we were definitely going to be here a while. Why did I offer to give him a ride to Mark’s office? Why couldn’t Jack have stayed with me?

“W-We can’t,” I mumbled, unable to look at him.

Ethan was quiet for a moment. “I, uh, had a feeling you were gonna say that… Can I ask why?”

I didn’t want to hurt his sweet little heart. But he asked, and I had no idea where to start, and I didn’t want to tell him that part of me reciprocated these feelings. I had to push it away, and there was only one way I knew how to do that.

“You’re only going to get hurt,” I told him, keeping my eyes on the line of cars. “If we got together, I know that I would be doing it for the wrong reasons… And even then, there’s too much going on in my head for you to keep up with, and… you deserve better than that.”

“Maybe,” Ethan said in thought, “maybe you think that you don’t deserve someone who cares about you. And you don’t have to hide yourself away from me, Bella. I want to know everything.”

That was just making my poorly mended heart bleed more.

“You really don’t,” I said softly.

“I know you have a lot of anxiety,” he pressed, but still sounding gentle, “and I know you’ve been down lately, but it doesn’t have to stay like that. And I know us being together won’t fix that. I just… I care about you too much to let you go through it alone.”

That is until he finds someone normal. I couldn’t let that happen to me again.

“You would get tired,” I warned, “you’d start rolling your eyes when my anxiety acts up. You’ll eventually leave me for someone else.”

That was when it clicked for Ethan. “You’re not over Mark...”

“I’m not over what he did,” I feebly corrected. “I wish I was, though.” Because you’re so good to me, and I don’t want you to be with anyone else but I also don’t want you to carry my burden.

Ethan went quiet again as he sat back. He fiddled with his fingers and then pushed his hair out of his face. “I wouldn’t do that to you…” he muttered. “I understand if you don’t believe that, but… I wouldn’t do that.”

It didn’t really matter if I believed him. He was just very persistent, and he kept fighting everything I was telling him. Why wasn’t he repulsed? How far did I have to go?

“It’s just…” I trailed off, only to take a deep breath. “When you’re mentally ill… everything bad that happens makes you think it’s because you’re mentally ill, and that you can’t have anything good. When Mark left, he told me that it wasn’t because I’m sick. But there’s still a part of me that thinks that if I was normal…” I chose my words a bit carefully at this point, mainly for Ethan’s sake. “...we would have lasted longer. My anxiety makes me believe that the way I am was too much for him. And honestly, I don’t really blame him. I have too much on my plate. I’m too sick and unstable. I can’t have another person put up with me again.”

He didn’t even hesitate. “If you’re trying to say that I won’t be able to ‘handle’ you or that I won’t be able to give you what you need, then you’re seriously underestimating me.”

Why does he make it so fucking hard?

“I… we can’t,” I repeated. “I don’t think I can handle another relationship.”

“Then, I’ll wait. I can--”

I couldn’t hold back anymore. “I tried to kill myself when Mark left.”

Now Ethan didn’t know what to say. Then again, I didn’t know what to expect. I had never told anyone before.

“The day after we broke up,” I continued, slowly losing control of what I was saying, “I decided to die, and I guess I was very loud about it because my neighbor is the one that called the ambulance.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Ethan softly mumbled, but I ignored him.

“And because I have no family or close friends - besides Jack, who was far away at the time - they called Mark. He was my only emergency contact. So he stayed with me at the hospital and then stayed at my house a few days after until I was stable again. And then I made him not tell anyone what happened. That’s how fucked up I am, Ethan. I was dependent on him, I made him my last shred of sanity. It wasn’t my family’s rejection that made me suicidal, or the crippling depression, or the frequent biphobia, or the anxiety… it was a stupid break up that pushed me over the edge.”

He was still quiet. He was biting his nails.

The traffic was beginning to let up. I kept my eyes on the road; it forced me to not look at him. I couldn’t make myself say anything more.

It hurt, having to bring up the one thing I swore I’d never speak of. I’d probably regret it later on, but it felt like the thing to do. I had to show Ethan exactly what he was signing up for, and then refuse to let him go any further. I hated it because I did like him, I liked him a lot, but I couldn’t put him through what I put Mark through. It was just another abandonment waiting to happen. I wasn’t over Mark either, like Ethan said. At this moment in time, I’d only be with him to get over my ex, and that wasn’t fair to anyone.

He decided to speak again when we were close to the ex’s office.

“I’m sorry that that happened to you. I didn’t know it got that far, but… it doesn’t change anything. Look, you’re still here…” He paused. “And Mark is still with Amy. And life is still going on. And I still feel the same about you... You’re doing the best you can, Bella. You’re making do with what you have, and that’s progress. I understand why you don’t want another relationship, but I don’t want you to feel alone, either.”

Fuck him and his sweet fucking heart.

He couldn’t possibly still want to be around me, could he? Or was he just pulling the pity friend card? I was torn between hugging him and shoving him out of my car.

“You don’t need to say anything,” Ethan said when we were closer to the office. “I know you have Jack, but I’m here for you, too. And just so you know, I have ADHD, so I kind of know how you feel with mental illness. You’re not alone by any means.”

I pulled over some ways before the building, like always. I stayed quiet and refused to look at him, despite that last bit of information he gave.

~

On any other day, I’d feel a sense of relief whenever Jack got home from recording. Today, my stomach flipped over and over, and I just wanted to cry. I tried to keep myself steady, I didn’t want any of this to spill out the way it did with Ethan. I stayed standing in front of my bedroom door, ready to go out and greet my friend and tell him what I had done over the summer.

When I finally opened the door, I found Jack plopped down on the couch. This was the moment of truth.

“Hey, Baller,” he greeted, not looking at me as he turned on the TV. “How was the drive with E-tan?”

I sat down next to him and sighed. “He confessed, and I rejected him.”

Jack sat up, looking at me in shock. “No, Bella! Why?”

Getting there. “I’m just not over what happened with Mark,” I replied. “I don’t think I can trust someone enough to not do what he did.”

“But I thought you liked him!”

I hesitated. “I can’t… I just can’t let someone in. I can’t let another person see all of this-” I gestured around myself “-and believe that they won’t leave me.”

“Bella,” Jack said, “if that person, if Ethan really, honestly cares about you, he won’t leave. What did he say when you rejected him?”

Mark cared about me. Look what happened.

“He was persistent. So I tried to…” Here it comes. The actual moment of truth. “I-I told him something terrible about me to get him to not like me.” The lump was rising in my throat. I wanted to be sick.

Now Jack looked confused. “Why would you do that?”

“I…” I sighed, tapping my leg. “I don’t want him to like me… I’d just date him for the wrong reasons. And if I ever do date him, I don’t want to be thinking about my ex the whole time. So, out of pure impulse, I told him that I did something awful.”

The tense silence told me how much Jack was wracking his brains trying to figure out what I did. I felt like it was obvious, given my state of mind for the last few months, but I guess I had to tell him.

“What is this terrible thing you did?” he asked softly, and that made me tear up.

“I… I tried to kill myself,” I admitted, my voice cracking. I looked down at my lap, unable to look at my friend. “W-When Mark b-broke up with me… I…” I lifted up my sweater sleeve, showing Jack the pinkish white scars on my wrists. “And there’s more on my stomach and my thighs.”

He didn’t say anything at first, which made me look at him, but only for a second. HIs brows furrowed, and his eyes read… something. “Bella…” He sat back, still looking like he was wracking his brains. “God, Bella… Why, why didn’t you tell me? Why am I just finding out about this? Wh-When did this happen? Who else knows?”

Questions I could answer, yet I found myself not knowing what to say.

“Bella, answer me,” he deadpanned.

“I… I don’t know. I didn’t know how to tell you, and I asked Mark not to tell anyone.”

“Wait, Mark knew about this? And this was after he broke up with you?”

“He was my only emergency contact… the people at the hospital contacted him, not me. I’m surprised he didn’t tell anyone when I was down under. And even then.”

Jack was silent, a series of emotions running over his face. Then he got up and began to pace. “I… are you okay now?”

“Yes, I promise.”

He paced some more, rubbing his hands together. “I didn’t… I didn’t know it had gotten so bad. Did you tell anyone you were feeling like that?”

I shook my head. This was where the guilt started to kick in.

“You didn’t think to call me?” he asked in disbelief, almost like he was hurt.

“No,” I said. “Or, yes. Yes, I did. But I couldn’t do it.” I wiped my face with my sleeve. “I just… at that moment, I just wanted to die. I wanted everything to be over. And I knew, if I had called you, even to say goodbye…”

“I would have talked you down,” Jack finished. “Of fucking course I would have talked you down. I would have stayed on the phone with you all day and night. I would have gotten you help!” His voice rose with every word.

“But I didn’t want that,” I told him softly. “I just wanted to die. I felt like I had nothing left.”

“You always have something left, Bella!” Jack nearly yelled if I hadn’t flinched. “It doesn’t matter how big or small it is, you’re the one who constantly says that!” His voice had finally cracked and he paused.

“I know that now… I don’t want to die. I don’t feel that way anymore…” Figured, since we’re being honest, “...at least not actively.”

Jack let out a spiteful laugh mixed with a sob. “That’s supposed to be reassuring?”

“It’s a work in progress,” I explained, trying to keep my voice firm. “I’m actually telling you that my suicidal thoughts haven’t gone away completely. I’m telling you because I don’t want to drive myself to the point of acting on those thoughts again. I’m telling you because I trust you, and I believe you when you say you could have talked me down that night.” I stood up and took a step closer to him. “I don’t want to die. I have suicidal thoughts, but I don’t want to act on them.”

Jack looked at me for a moment, tears in his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner then? If you trust me, why did you wait this long to tell me?”

I shrugged, sobs bubbling up in my throat. “I don’t know… I just wanted to die. And I didn’t want anyone to know. But I should have told you, I should have called you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

“No, you can’t be sorry,” Jack said, his voice trembling. “I-It’s not your fault this happened… o-or that life fucked you over so bad.”

“But I am, though,” I told him, sniffling. “Because I feel so t-terrible about leaving you. I can’t leave you, you’re my best friend.”

I hugged him tight, the feeling of what could have been dawning on me. Jack held me just as tightly, his body shaking slightly. If there was a person I was glad to be alive for, it was Jack.

He pulled back and opened his mouth like he was going to say something. But he looked me in the eyes and teared up again. He held up a finger, but his voice was trembling so much.

“I-If you e-ever d-do anything l-l-like that again...” he managed to get out.

“I won’t,” I said softly. “I-I don’t want to die…”

Jack sighed, calming himself down. “God, Bellers. And you told Ethan this?”

I nodded, feeling stupid about it now. “I didn’t mean to, it just came out.”

“What did he say?”

I hesitated, feeling enough emotions as it is. “That it didn’t change anything. He still likes me, he’ll wait... he wants to be there for me.”

“Well, what did you expect?” Jack asked, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. “He’s not an asshole!”

It was true, and it made me cry again. “I’m too broken for him! Look at him, he’s only twenty and he’s doing exactly what he wants in life! He’s happy, and I’m only going to weigh him down! I’m gonna be too much for him to handle, and then he’s going to leave me for someone else!”

“You don’t know that,” Jack told me, placing his hands on my cheeks. “And yes, you’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love. You don’t get to decide who can handle you. I know Ethan, I know he’s got good intentions. Do whatever you want in terms of relationships, but don’t cut him off just because he likes you.”

He kissed my forehead and let me go.

“I made a mistake, didn’t I?” I asked.

Jack shrugged. “That’s up to you.”

______

next chapter

[resurrecticn-a]

grrlpower comic sentence starters 3 / ??

a list of sentence starters compiled of quotes from the webcomic grrlpower. taken from strips july 4th to december 26th. feel free to change pronouns or anything else to fit your muse better.

“ adrenaline crash is a hell of a thing. ” “ sorry about your boot. ” “ its okay, i dodged most of it. ” “ so if you can catch a bullet.. ” “ i wasn't ready for fear vomit. ” “ but hey, that one part, super hero approved cool, right? ” “ hey are you on your way back or did you get held up at the bank? ” “ funny you should phrase it like that, cause there was a hold up at the bank. ” “ no i didn't rob the bank! what's wrong with you?! ” “ are you okay? actually is the bank robber okay? ” “ i totally judo flipped him! he might have a dislocated jaw! ” “ i... cant tell if you're lying. that's never happened before. ” “ did you not see me catch the bullet, at no point were you in any danger? ” “ he's faking it. ” “ if he's still conscious after taking a hit like that, chances are he's got powers too. do you want to get halfway to the hospital before you find out? ” “ shit, she's going to make me show here what's in... the tube... ” “ uh what are you talking about? ” “ yeah strange lady we've never seen before. ” “ quick! someone open a port before ctu is hacked from within! ” “ jesus christ calm down geek, i was just asking. “ i'm not a lawyer but i'm pretty sure that faking a bank robbery is still a felony. ” “ i guess i cant argue with that. ” “ you noticed the tube too? ” “ well i would like to know whats in it. ” “ hey bite me! that chick was vicious. ” “ nope i’m watching it right now... definitely a little beanpole. ” “ how did you know that was ___ ? ” “ geeze, ___, take your pick. ” “ we all know you've been planning something for weeks. ” “ i can be in five places at once. ” “ ___'s iq cant be measured on a human scale. ” “ also magic. ” “ you need to up your game. ” “ i need you in the ambulance without being seen. asap. ” “ whats going on colonel? ” “ i'm taking care of... uh, ill call you back. ” “ turn on channel five. ” “ intercept, intercept! ” “ wait, you're not a ninja. ” “ were you expecting ninjas? ” “ always. expect. ninjas. ” “ can i interview you about the robbery? ” “ sure i guess. i have a cramp. ” “ can you temper the profanity a bit? this will be live. ” “ for now can you tell me what your name is? ” “ and can you describe what happened? ” “ hah! dialed that shit in! “ so this fugly guy shoved me and then ( totally through no fault of my own ) he grabbed me! ” “ so i cracked him one in the spunk factory and introduced his face to the floor! like a boss! ” “ imagine i'm standing over his festering corpse like captain morgan. ” “ crime fighters high five! ” “ kind of a medium five in your case. ” “ hey bite me colossus! ” “ and before you ask, it's classified. ” “ a new branch of the us military called arc swat... tentatively."we are a domestic military  police force comprised of the super elite and powered, our charter is to defend the civilian populace and infrastructure from extraordinary threats. ” “ supervillians!" “ yes thank you ___, that was implied. ” “ don't shoulderboob ___, that's mean, you know how he is around hot women! ” “ well he picked a heck of a place to work then. ” “ none of those things were compliments! ” “ arrg! direct sunlight, my only weakness! ” “ is she... ” “ pretending to be on fire. would be my guess. ” “ oh my god you spaz, i put my hat on. come out from under the ambulance. ” “ no how and you cant make me! ” “ you coming out? ” “ that's impossible! do you have any idea how strong i am?! ” “ now you know why they're on the list. ” “ have you ever seen anyone wind up the colonel like that? ” “ i am so happy right now. ” “ worried i’ll suddenly become suspicious, are you? ” “ you know you shouldn't jostle people with spinal injuries. ” “ how is that a threat? ” “ okay shes getting a little payback for that one. ” “ whoa, sweet. is that your ride? ” “ the company car, as it were. ” “ you got some kind of crook fetish? ” “ excuse me for a moment. i have a discipline issue to address. ” “ fucking ferret balls she can fly! really really fast! holy space llama i cant even see her anymore! ” “ uh, whats the delay on these live broadcasts? ” “ usually anything from 5 seconds to five minutes, why ever do you ask? ”

[resurrecticn-a]

grrlpower comic sentence starters 2 / ??

a list of sentence starters compiled of quotes from the webcomic grrlpower. taken from strips jan 3rd to july 4th. feel free to change pronouns or anything else to fit your muse better.

“ are you telling her about the tape recorder? ” “ ugh, worst. christmas. present. ever. ” “ should i ring that one up for you? ” “ hey! that ones mine! ” “ what's with the poster tube? is that like a purse or something? ” “ i'm curious what the answer will be this time. ” “ what? she hasn't told you either? ” “ oh she's told me lots of things... ” “ it’s my fathers ashes. ” “ he's still alive.. ” “ well that's just weird. ” “ a dialysis machine? it's not plugged into you. ” “ it runs on batteries! ” “ is it supposed to be? ” “ you'd know that if you weren't lying! ” “ i have to go to the restroom! ” “ just promise me it's not something dangerous or illegal. ” “ i honestly don't know.... on either count. ” “ i mean.. i'm reasonably sure there's no danger? ” “ if you're going out for lunch then take the deposit to the bank. ” “ thanks ___, i've got it under control...... maybe. ” “ WHAT WAS THAT? ” “ SEE YOU IN AN HOUR! ” “ you're on my list! do you hear me?! ” “ the safety of many made shade! eat it nature! ” “ have you forgotten the list already?? ” “ don't you mean a white person five star? ” “ i don't want to put that little girl in the hospital. ” “ excellent customer service requires sacrifice... of the kitchen staff. ” “ hmm, not bad. could stand to have a little more kick though. ” “ ooh legal warnings! ” “ that girl is definitely some kind of freak. ” “ i've just about had it with you today! ” “ LOOK OUT! SATAN! ” “ that's the second ‘lookout satan’ we've fallen for this month. ” “ and one ‘hey isn't that the pope?’ ” “ whats going on, are they filming a movie or something. ” “ i think its one of those super types. ” “ that's just an internet hoax. there's no such thing. ” “ don't they need permission if they're filming? ” “ everything in a bank gets filmed anyway, maybe shes security? ” “ i’ll do it! ” “ don't worry, everyone will be okay. even those of us standing under an armed gunman. ” “ hah hah, fucking magnets. how do they even work am i right? ” “ i mean, oh my god! bad guys! kill them with your... gold beams? ” “ you need help with that little girl there buddy? ” “ fuck off i got this, her punches are like butterfly farts. ” “ not the eyes! ” “ wow i'm impressed, i have to say, ive seen a lot of crazy crap in my day. ” “ okay kid, he's down, geeze. ” “ son of an eel waxer your face is hard! ” “ i was going to say, nice throw, but tactically a poor choice. ” “ you didn't clear his gun. ” “ and also while you were a hostage, his buddy there probably wasn’t going to shoot you. ” “ are you bullet proof? ” “ really? felony bank robbery not enough? you gotta go for attempted murder too? ” “ stay down. ” “ assuming that didn't kill you, so hard to tell with you mushy humans. ” “ not the boots! ”