#my whorish mind BETRAYS ME

[the-cooler-sidestep]

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[yamithediaperdork]

A pretty Price (final fantasy 7)

Tifa, second in command of avalanche, stared in disbelief at the man sitting around the table from her. His flashy clothes were well made and stuck out among the rabble in this sector, and the fact he had two bodyguards behind him marked him as someone important. though till he had opened his mouth, Tifa had had no clue who he was. 'Dear god..Don has a son..who..clearly got his looks from his mother.' she thought, admiring the well muscled mass of Vincent the man had said his name way, and the long blond locks. Add in the offer he'd just made and Tifa wasn't half wondering if she'd been hitting the whiskey a little too hard.

"Miss Lockheart? are you alright?" Vincent asked, looking worried. He'd just made his demand in return for information on his bastard of a father though truth be told he wasn't THAT much better himself. Tired of his dad wasting all the possibles for power they had to just run his sleazy little club and be a disgrace, Vincent had big plans for himself, for the gang and for the fund that they gang had, but his biggest problem would be taking out his father without it being clear HE was the one who took him out, least he lose the loyalty of his men. Of course if known rebels and trouble makers avalanche took out dear old daddy well.. Still he had to make the reason he was selling his father out look goodish lest the silly little rebels snuff him out too to prevent him from being like his father. "I just..Let me get this right. you're willing to betray your father, because you say what he does is wrong, and you wanna get out of crime..but you'll only do it if my boyfriend takes you on a date?" Tifa asked. "well, I'll be taking him on a date. while he's dolled up. I know, sooo gray area but nothing will happen between us unless I can wow the socks off of miss cloud. and you'll have the info you need before our date. " Vincent said and smiled. "Deal?" Tifa looked thoughtful for a second and then smirked. "Deal..buttt the date only happens if the info is good." "heh, of course."

It was only after Vincent left and Tifa was congratulating herself for her good deal, and thinking about how awesome it was gonna be to bring down the don one small detail popped into her brain. 'Uh..you know you never asked CLOUD how he feels about this right? and now you're gonna have to tell him you just rented him out as a sissy date.' the nagging little voice in her head said. '...Oh poop.' Tifa gulped and looked up. 'who knows, maybe Cloud will be a flaming sissy who's just looking for a chance to break out of the closet and he'll thank me!' 'Yeah, and then you'll go to naruina and slay the jabberwoky.' the nagging voice shot back. "if your not gonna help shut up!' Tifa shot back and then steeled herself to go and talk with Cloud.

Cloud was off being a tragic moody edge lord in the corner, thinking about how bad ass and awesome he was when Tifa came up behind him. "what is it? anther mission?" Cloud asked, not turning around and looking out the window. "Kinddddd offfff. Uh.. Cloud. I need you to do me a solid.." Tifa said, rubbing the back of her head as he turned around. "..you only say that when shits about to hit the fan. what did you do?" Cloud asked. "I only made a verrrry good deal that's going to let us take out the don." Tifa huffed and put her hands on her hips. "what did YOU do today aside from brood?" "..Bold stance when you 'need me to do a solid.' just so you know." Cloud pointed out. ".." Tifa held up a finger to argue with that, but nothing came to mind and she shook her head. "Look Cloud, we pay you A LOT of gil to work for us, and it's time to get some of that investment back. So you're going to do this and that's final!" She huffed and turned to stomp off. "Tifa?" "WHAT!?!" "...You STILL havn't told me what it is you want me to do." Cloud said smirking. "Oh right. that.. youhavetobeasissydateforthedon'ssonbye!" Tifa said in a rush and then took off. "..." Cloud raised a eyebrow, trying to figure out the FUCK she had just said, mulling it over in his head and then it clicked and his cheeks went bright red. "WAIT WHAT!?"

A hour or so of heated arguments between Tifa and cloud, then Cloud and Barret vs. tifa, the tifa and Barret vs cloud and they finally had come to a understanding. 1) Cloud would be going on the date as long as the info was all new. 2) they were going to use the info after cloud got back from his date, to give him a excuse to keep it short and sweet. 3)Tifa and Barret would be getting him drunk, VERY drunk after. those set up, they contracted Vincent and set up for the date, which would be that night and had a outfit sent over with a make up kit. "..The fuck does he expect me to do with this?" Cloud said, looking in at the loaded makeup box totally clueless. "you know 27 different ways to kill someone but not how to do your make up?" Tifa teased. "Somehow that never came up in SOLIDER training."  Cloud said dryly. "Go get a shower and I'll get your outfit ready for you then do your makeup for you little lady." Tifa giggled, grinning ear to ear. "..None of the cheap stuff I mean it. when you get me drunk I was the grade A shit." Cloud grumbled and headed for his bathroom with a stand up shower in it.

with the water running Tifa got busy getting the dress out of the black plastic bag it had been in to protect it and gasped a little. the dress inside was dark purple, down to the thigh and it would hug Cloud's body for sure, and with no sleeve Vincent would be able to show off his 'girlfriend' as much as show off a 'bodyguard' of sorts. The dress came with a low pair of black heels which worked because having cloud topple and fall on his face likely wouldn't of given the best impression. the also came with a pair of pantyhose and a light purple pair of panties, and a base colored padded bra that would give the appearance of b cups. "..hoooo boy. and this was gonna be a fun to begin with." Tifa said, glad cloud had agreed without looking at all the clothes out. hearing the shower coming to a stop, Tifa got ready to dress her boyfriend up and make him a girl.

The next hour and a half was one of the most humiliating of clouds life as he was poked, prodded and helped into his outfit, then had to sit in front of a make up mirror and keep his eyes closed till Tifa was finished with him. 'I swear to go, this is the last solid I do for her. at least this one doesn't involve me in diapers and in a basket pretending to be delivered by the stork..' Cloud thought and shook a little, getting a slap on the shoulder. "Stay still Missy unless you want me to have to start all over again!" Tifa scolded. if his eyes wouldn't of been shut he'd of rolled them but cloud stayed still till Tifa finally gave the ok and he opened up and looked in the mirror. Looking back at him wasn't the whorish image he'd mentally had for how he'd look. it was over the top girly either but well done and took away a edge of masculinity away from him and make his cheeks burn as he squirmed. "uh..Ok..wow." he said in a small voice. "I know right? even I'm shocked at how good you look." Tifa said and then had Cloud stand up, admiring him in his outfit and then his makeup and gave a wolf whistle. "Mothers, lock up your sons!" she said and then slapped cloud on the ass lightly. "Your SO not funny." Cloud growled.

even if they hadn't originally been going with Cloud for the exchange, Tifa and Barret would of walked with the blond sissy though the streets to the meet up point. Cloud was just getting a lot of attention and his confidence was all but gone as he basically hid behind Barret for protection. making it to the cafe Vincent was dressed in a yellow and red suit and wearing shades, that he tilted down as he drank in the site of cloud. "oh my~ Very, very nice." he said and whistled. "T-Thank you." Cloud said, voiice squeaking and horse as he tried to sound more girly. "Your welcome, and you can use your normal tone with me cloud. it doesn't hurt the illsion at all." Vincent said and tugged out a chair next to him and patted it with one hand, slide a folder over to Tifa. "I trust this pays my end of this in full?" Tifa took the folder and opened it, scanning though. floor plans, blueprints, shift rotations..with this her and Barret could of done the assault with just the two of them! "Yeah, this will more then do. thanks." Tifa said and then turned to Cloud. "Cloud, you be a good girl and stay out as late as Vincent wants, we'll be pouring over this all night." with his last shot of a quick night gone, Cloud plastered a fake smile on his face and turned to his date. "S-So.. W-what did you have planned?"

what Vincent had planned first was for them to get some bubble tea and sit and talk about each over for a bit. Following that Vincent took Cloud out for a wonderful seafood dinner. though there was a small issue Cloud betraying his delicate appearance by ripping apart the lobsters with ease with his bare hands and wolfing down the food with unladylike grace. 'Well, I suppose this is a work in progress and I can get him lessons if he wants to keep dating.' Vincent thought watching Cloud wolf down the sea food, his plastic lobster bib working hard to protect the dress he was wearing. "You know, it's not just anyone who can wear a dress worth over 5 thousand gil and not seem to care if they wreak it." Vincent said with amusement. "..It's worth that much?" Cloud asked, pausing then started to hack as food had gotten lodged when he stopped. one quick heimlich maneuver later and they were walking out of the restaurant with Cloud blushing and sheepish, and leaning to Vincent as the night air got colder. "S-Sorry about that." Cloud mewed and snuggled in more. Of course this bothered Vincent sooo much, that he put a arm around the cold sissy and then stopped under a street light. sliding his jacket off he put it over Clouds shoulders and then kissed his cheek before leading the sissy on and making Cloud swoon.

They're next stop even though both were clearly warming up to each other was a Opera in town, though Cloud again was less then restrained and didn't know how to behave. this was made clear when he called horse shit from their box to the stage when the hero on stage sliced a prop monster flann in two with one hit. As they were escorted out Cloud kept making his case and Vincent noted that dating cloud, there was NEVER going to be a dull moment clearly. "Hey watch the arms bucko unless you want anther black eye! I'm telling you, you need magic to defeat those, I know what I'm talking about! even a 2nd grader knows this shit an-" "Cloud sweetie, I think they got the point." Vincent said. "..They better! Next time I come here I expect the play to be up to snuff!" Cloud said and jabbed a finger at the opera's manager then turn away and stomped off. "..She does know I just banned you both right?" The manger asked. "I'd think twice about that..my card." Vincent said and smirked, then raced over cloud.

"...sorry I ruined your show." Cloud said with them again walking in the streets, and Cloud again leaning into the bigger man. "It';s ok, if they can't stand a little excitement from time to time then they shouldn't be in business., I got us unbanned anyways." Vincent said and kissed Cloud's forehead, sending a shiver that had nothing to do with the chill in the air though Cloud. "mmm..How'd you do that?" Cloud asked, closing his eyes and letting this wonderful warm man lead him. "Well I'm the one who helped them open up, Dear old dad didn't see the value but I'm a little more refined then him." Vincent said. "and by help them open up?" Cloud asked, opening his eyes and looking up. "I owe 54 percent of the damn thing. so the manger will call my partner, confirm I'm who I said I am, and expect all sorts of 'I'm sorry' presents in the next box we get..if you wanna go on anther date that is." Vincent said, stopping. they were in front of Tifa's bar with the hours starting to run late and always the gentleman when it came to love, Vince didn't wanna keep his date out too late. "Heh, what if I'm not ready for THIS date to be over?" Cloud asked and winked. "well what does my little lady wanna do then?" Vince asked, taken back but totally not arguing with the boldness. "well..Normally if I was with a girl I'd bring her back here to my room here.. buttt something tells me if I walk in with her regulars here dressed like this you'll have to be my knight in shining armor and kick all their butts when they molest me with their eyes." Cloud giggled playfully and then smooched Vince's cheek. "well of course my fair maiden." He said. "So..got a room somewhere close? because same reason Tifa's is out is why your place is out if you live with your dad." Cloud said. "..I know a motel by here." Vince said cluing in for the first time what the increasingly bold sissy was getting at.

One 15 minute walk later, and five minutes of dealing with the front desk, and Cloud and Vince were in the pent house suite at the hotel, and kissing and groping at each other as soon as the door to the room was shut. "S-Should we *kiss* take a *Kiss kiss* Shower first?" Cloud moaned as Vince switching to lightly biting down and sucking on the sissies neck, giving him a nice big hickey. "Only if you feel dirty." Vince chuckled and started to help cloud out of his dress, the top down and fondling the blonds flat chest.  "mmmm.. what was I thinking giving you fake tits. your nipples are just so cute like this!" Cloud was trying to reply he wanted to get the make up off because he stained the bedding, but the feeling of having his nipples pinched and twirled by this man was melting his brain and making his panties damp. "If./.if you keep doing that I'm gonna squirt." Cloud mewed out, grinding his ass against Vince and feeling just how ok with tat Vince would be as his manhood poked and and prodded between the cheeks of Cloud's bubble butt. "Think you'll still be willing to keep going after you cream princess?" Vincent asked chuckling, preparing a final assault, at least on the nipples, and at least for now. "O-Only one way to find ooooouuuTTTTT! DADDY!" Vince had twisted Clouds nipples just so fucking good and bit down on his neck again, giving him a matching hickey for the other side and clouds hands went for the front of his crotch but far far too late. hands free his cute little member lost the battle and twitched and throbbed as dollops of cum formed first, then full on shot out and though not only his panties but his dress. '..I hope they comes out with dry cleaning.' Cloud thought feeble as he tried to catch his breath. Vince let him go and watched with amusement as Cloud stumbled a little, almost as f drunk and then plopped onto the bed, face down and ass up as he tried to catch his breath and hiking up his dress. a hand going between his legs came back sticky with cum and Cloud mewed softly, looking at Vince who was watching him with interest..then Cloud started to lick his fingers clear. "I-I never knew you could cum just from your nipples.." Cloud purred, between licks and sucks. Vince was enthralled and couldn't look away. "I heard you can finger a guys butt and make him do that too." Cloud said, and Vincent slowly nodded and Cloud waited. and waited. "..Oh for heaven 's sake, get over his and finger my fat sissy ass!" Cloud snapped. Jolted out of his stupor, Vince smirked and nodded. "anything for my little lady." as he came over and started to work a finger in and out of Cloud's tight little ring and slowly moved up, All Vince could think of was how lucky he was to of found out what a good girl Cloud could be. "Oh..Ohhh.. feels sooo good daddy~ finger me harder!" Cloud squealed then pleaded. Oh yeah. so SO glad he gotten first dibs. he was totally gonna be taking this little sissy out at least 3 nights a week if possible. "Whatever you say princess."

the end

[phoebehalliwell]

I’m so glad you like Bianca. She is underestimated As for Bianca and Chris they had little screen time in the show, however I can see some parallels between them and Piper and Leo. For example, both, Leo and Bianca were very protective of their respectful loved once and ready to risk everything for them. Do you think Chris and Bianca could really be destined for each other?

ooh interesting to draw parallels between chris & bianca and piper & leo, especially considering both of them are going against the rules of their organization (leo against the whitelighter & bianca presumably sent to kill chris but choosing not to therefore betraying the phoenix). as far as “are chris and bianca destined for each other?” i think (and i do plan on writing this scene in my fic somewhere but its so far off i’m just telling you) if chris and bianca met and had a relationship in the altered/true timeline and also knew of their relationship in the dark future, and you asked them whether or not they were destined for each other, chris would say yes and bianca would say no

chris i think really believes in fate & destiny & soulmates as these have been elements that have surrounded him growing up. i think he takes the fact that in both timelines, they have been brought together in circumstances that should not result in love, yet have fallen in love both times, clearly speaks for something, and, in his mind, means theirs fates are intertwined (y’know the i’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, i’d find you and I’d choose you shtick) (this is also why for me at least i think it’s incredibly important that neither chris not bianca knows about their relationship in the dark future until they have already fallen in love with one another because knowing in some alternate universe you were in love engaged and they sacrificed their life for you when you guys barely have a relationship in your current universe,,,, it makes things to cloudy. i think, especially with both of their characters, who are more of the guarded, brand themselves as emotionally unavailable types, an organic growth of a relationship completely separate from any expectations is really important. if they both go in trying to make it something it’s not at that point, Especially bc we never saw them fall in love in the dark timeline, it’s just,,,, i don’t like it)

from bianca’s point of view, i don’t think she would call it destiny. less of the world has something great etched out for me and more what about the nobodies and the nothings, the invisible girls? we learn to hold our heads as if we wear crowns. we learn to wring magic from the ordinary. that was how you survived when you weren’t chosen, when there was no royal blood in your veins. when the world owed you nothing, you demanded something of it anyway. haha read the grishaverse books plz because bianca really wasn’t raised in an environment where they believe in fate and destiny. they’re whole shtick is that the world wanted them dead but they refused to died. coupled with their abject amorality, i think bianca’s belief of fate, destiny, karma, & justice don’t resemble chris’s remotely. i think she thinks that if there genuinely was some higher power punishing the wicked for evil deeds, she would have never made it this far. she’s seen enough evil out there to know there’s no cosmic defender out there rooting for good and punishing the wicked, that’s just a lie people tell themselves. because of that, i think her view of her relationship with chris is that it was made with intent. in fact, she kinds hates the idea of them being “destined” bc that implies there’s a path she was always going to follow, a cosmic map she can’t really be shaken from, and that’s not what she considers their relationship to be at all. while the fact that in both cases they really shouldn’t have fallen in love is only further evidence for chris that it is fate, for bianca it’s further evidence it isn’t. everything they did to move them closer together was a choice. the way they fell in love was through conscious action. if there was a ready string secretly tying them together, they wouldn’t be put in situations that make it inherently difficult to fall in love. but they were, and they ignored it, and they fought, and they fell in love with each other. the universe didn’t make that happen. they did.

now my personal perspective gets a little more meta: we really don’t know that much about bianca in canon. what they gave us was so many different facets and layers i truly don’t know if the writers realized what a complex character they were making. she’s also the only real, concrete relationship we saw from chris. there was his one charge he hooked up with and there was the vague implication of something going on with that valkyrie, but those can all be chalked up to his whorish tendencies. with bianca, it was established they were in love. so, naturally, if you were to write a continuation of charmed, i think a really great way to call back is to bring back bianca, an established canonical love interest for him, especially if in your writings he has memories of the dark future. the show itself does harp a lot on destiny and fate and soulmates, and bringing chris and bianca together again would pay homage to the attitude of the original. it’s because of this, from my point of view, in my writings, yeah, they are destined. but other people in their next gen fics might chose the ignore that plotline as a whole and build an entirely new endgame love interest for chris. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. but for me, personally, i would much rather bring bianca into my writings than forge a new character (also bc i love bianca and i love the idea of the phoenix and the morally gray love interest and the this that and the other)

[ryleesfanfiction]

Bloody Knuckles- Chapter One/Phan

The town seemed to be under a different control, not controlled by the government but controlled by the two most feared gangs in London, Manchester. The Mayor made deals with one of the gangs, the gang lead by none other than Phil Lester himself, the Mayor made a deal that he wouldn't arrest anyone from their group, unless the government came breathing down his neck. Phil's gang agreed since they often got busted for stupid things like murder and drug deals. Phil's group was called Venom, often being called Snakes due to their lack of remorse and hunger for anything and everything, no matter what size. The other gang was The Wolves, which Dan stood by proudly- flaunting his leather jacket and switch blade where ever he went. But today was different, Dan had to dress up, which he didn't mind. So when Dan walked out of the changing room, wearing his grey hoodie (only because the big man didn't think scars and cuts were sexy) and short pastel blue skirt with thigh high tights and kick ass boots, everyone couldn't help but stare.

"This good, boss?" Dan asked innocently, those big doe eyes staring back at the older man.

"You clean up nicely don't you, Dan?" He cocked his head to the side.

"Anything for you." Dan winked before walking out and onto the streets to start his real task, getting across town without attracting the wrong guys.

Dan was a flirt when he needed to be, other than his sex he was 100% serious. He never slept with people in The Wolves, even though half of the guys has either hit on him or asked him out.

"I see you, PJ." Dan said, smirking when the taller boy takes off in a jog to try and catch up with him.

"I was out of eye shot, how did you see me?" PJ asked in awe.

"You're asking the best spy on this side of town how I could sense you following me?"

PJ chuckles under his breath, not saying anything, the silence filled the gap.

"Why are you here, Peej?" Dan finally asked.

"Boss sent me to look after you."

"Lying makes you go to hell, Peej." Dan rolls his eyes, side eyeing the boy beside him.

"Yup."

"You just wanna look at my ass." Dan snickers.

"Damn straight." PJ laughs.

"Shut up." Dan sticks his arm out abruptly, stopping PJ dead in his tracks, both boys snap back into the real reason they are there, to get to work.

"I'll be around back.." PJ says leaving Dan's side and walking around to the back of the building.

Dan struts right up to the door, heels clicking on the sidewalk. Dan throws open the door, a jingle sends out throughout the small store.

"Good evening." The cashier smiles.

"Morning!" Dan throws a wave over his shoulder before walking around the store, pretending to look for something to eat.

Dan looks around the store, counting four cameras on him right now, two behind the cashiers desk and one in the hall to the stock room. Dan grabs a sucker, unwraps it and sticks it in his mouth.

"You're going to have to pay for that!" The man behind the counter yells.

Dan pulls out his revolver and shoots the man clean in the forehead. He sticks the gun back into his boot, leaving the store without giving a second glance. The last thing Dan saw was PJ running up to him as a bag was thrown over his head and he was forcefully thrown into a van.

-----------

Phil slammed the metal door behind him, making the tied down boy shoot his head up, brown curls hanging in his eye, cracked lips and bruises lining the side of his pretty face.

"Look at what we have here." Phil smiled wickedly as he slammed down Dan's revolver on the table in front of him. "Sweetheart."

Dan's eyes scanned over the golden word printed into his personal gun, it was a gift from his mom, she had worked for The Wolves for a long forty years before Phil's dad shot her in the back, betrayed The Wolves and joined Vemon. But that's what Phil didn't know, he didn't know his own father worked for The Wolves, and that's what Dan held secretly above his head, he knew more than Phil, and knowledge was power.

"What made you think you could rob my store and get away with it." Phil cocked his head to the side, scanning over Dan.

"Well, uh, I did. I robbed your store because I didn't want to pay and last time I checked; I can. Besides, I didn't even know it was yours." Dan smiled, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Phil slammed his hands down on the table in front of Dan, leaning in so their noses almost touched, leaning in close enough so Dan could smell the bubblegum he just spit out two minutes ago.

"Do you take me for some type of idiot, Howell? You know damn well that's my store, it's on my side of town." Phil growled.

"Didn't take you as a classic bubble gum type of guy, what did the bad-asses run out of gum man enough." Dan chuckled.

"Fuck you." Phil leaned back, folding his arms over his chest.

"Only in your favorite dreams, Lester." Dan winked.

"You're whorish ways isn't gonna help you sleep your way out of this one." Phil said, unfazed by Dan's words.

"What are you gonna do?" Dan leaned forward, the cuffs digging into his skinny wrists. "Hit me?" He chuckled, leaning back. "I like the pain, nothing you can do is gonna make me tell you what I was doing."

"Not even if I did this?" Phil snapped, suddenly the door was thrown open and PJ was pushed inside, his hands tied behind his back, his eyes wild with worry but at the same time curiosity.

"This is a nice gun, Howell." Phil said, picking up the gun and turning it over, inspecting it. "It would be a shame if I wasted your bullets..." Without even turning to look at PJ, Phil raised the gun to his head, cocking the gun and waiting for Dan's next move.

"Do it." Dan urged him. "Doesn't mean anything to me." Dan smiled.

"Oh well." Phil shrugged, pulling the trigger.

Blood sprayed over the side of Dan's face. PJ's body hit the floor with a thud, and Dan did the only thing he knew how to cope with lose. He laughed.

[playing-revery-blog]

that’s a long way down, little alice.

As the night rambled on, I felt the familiar and slow warming of my skin. Shots no longer made me cringe, my thoughts no longer weighed me down. A smile on my face, I glided effortlessly between circles, adding a sparkling life to each one, hugging the people I knew with warm affection, and instantly adoring the new people I met.

The tall water tower that had always been present on the outskirts of the field became irresistible to Wyndon. He had to climb it, he said…and make his mark. This sounded like an amazing idea to me.

He began trolling the groups for spray paint, and, due to the endless amount of working rednecks, found some pretty quickly. He found me, and held it up. “I know you’re in, little Alice.”

Of course I was. I grabbed his hand and we ran to the water tower, everyone watching us, cheering us on. Smith shook his head and gave a half hearted, “don’t fall, please”, knowing full well that he would be unable to stop me.

We climbed clumsily up the stairs, me first, Wyndon behind. When we reached the top, I threw my hands up in the air, glancing down at the party below, relishing in the rush.

Wyndon shook the paint, scrawling his initials. I laughed at his attempts. “That is crooked as hell.” He lit a cigarette and handed the paint to me. “You do better, then.”  I accepted the challenge, carefully writing “Alice” in neat cursive, much larger than the initials of Wyndon. “You’ve outdone me!” He laughed, and I admired my name. “It will be here forever.” I sighed. Wyndon shrugged, having completed the task, and began climbing down. I stood above everyone for a while, just for the sake of being there, until I felt my buzz declining and needed another drink. I climbed down, and glanced back up at my name, my mind drifting to Maddox, wondering what he would say if he saw it.

It was Catherine, as usual, that broke my contemplation. She grabbed my arm, speaking quickly as if what she was about to say was the most important statement anyone would ever make.

“Come with me! Jake gave me Hypnotique!!” I followed her, sitting on the ground, our backs leaned against one another, sipping the blue liquid. “i’m so drunk.” I reported, to which Catherine laughed. “I know, you keep abandoning me. Everyone is going to know you wrote that shit on the tower. Alice the dare devil."

Good, I thought secretly. I want everyone to know that I was once here. I let out a sigh, prompted by alcohol induced euphoria. "Cat…I may be in love.”

She glanced over her shoulder, throwing me a look. “Love?”

I nodded my head, and took in a breath to explain to my best friend the experience of Maddox, when an unmistakably raspy voice, unaffected by changes in pitch and tone, lifted through the air. “Nice graffiti, Alice.”

I grinned, glancing up and exclaiming drunkenly. “Piper!” I felt Catherine tense and stand, sharply stating, “I thought I saw a dark cloud approaching. The air suddenly reeked of teen spirit.” Piper tilted her head and glared at Catherine. “Nice nails, Catherine. Whorish, fits you perfectly.” I stood between them, as I always found myself. “You guys have to stop doing that.” Catherine shrugged. “I was just leaving, enjoy your punk rock company. Wash your hands. I’m going to find Jake.”

She left, and I knew there was no way to stop her. “She’s drunk.” I muttered in explanation of my best friend’s actions. Piper laughed, throwing her arms around me, causing me to tip a bit. “So are you, it seems.” She ran her hands over my hair, smoothing it down. “I haven’t seen you in ages.”

I had recognized that girls usually shared characteristics. There were plenty of types of girls, girly ones, sultry ones, athletic ones…but most of them wanted the same things. Piper was different. She was the most interesting and intimidating girl I knew. Madeline had been the first to bring her into our world. She had posted several artistic photos of herself all over her website. These pictures actually made Madeline appear deep and complicated, and everyone adored them. Piper, Madeline explained, was the master behind the lens.

A part of the underground indie rock crowd, Piper dressed differently than anyone I had ever seen. She wore plain white t shirts and cargo pants, sported purple streaks in her pixie cut, and it made her look as if her whole existence was an unplanned, unintended, mecca of coolness. When I was around her, I felt like because her approval wasn’t freely given, it mattered. It wasn’t long before I became the subject of her photography, posing in scandalous ways I would usually shy away from.  I never felt bored with Piper, though I always wondered if she was bored with me.

I scrunched my nose and grinned as she smoothed my hair. “I’m a mess, I know.” She smiled and shook her head, “messy works for you, Alice.” She linked her arm in mine, and with snake-like movement, walked me over to the nearest tailgate, handing me my drink. She kept this strange smile on her face, causing my natural confidence to falter. “What?” She shook her head. “So, I hear you’ve met Maddox.” My eyes widened at the mention of his name by someone else, suddenly feeling my cheeks warm and flush. I replied as nonchalantly as possible. “Mhm. You know him?” Piper raised her brow slightly, her voice flat and unaffected. “Of course I know him. Great artist.” She pauses, sipping her drink, then looking me dead in the eye. “You know he has a girlfriend, right? Britney.”

Crash.

My face fell, and I couldn’t hide it. Piper tilted her head. “Oh…you didn’t? He didn’t tell you? Well, you didn’t like him or anything…did you? You aren’t exactly…well matched”

A feeling encompassed my being, one that I had never experienced. My veins ached from the adrenaline that rushed through them, my heart racing, my face incredibly hot. Piper, intrigued, I suppose, by a person near, stealthily walked away, leaving me alone and overwhelmed. What was wrong with me? What was this emotion?

It was rage.

Maddox had betrayed me. He entered my world and completely altered it. Left me wanting something that was already taken by someone else. I took deep breaths, staring at the ground, conflicted.

This anger was irrational. He couldn’t betray me, he had made no promises. But, weren’t those looks promises? No. Those looks may have been misinterpreted. Maybe it was all me. Maddox never explained his relationship status because he didn’t need to. But..that look..

I struggled to find logic, but was left wanting, nothing certain, nothing concrete, and feeling as if the ground beneath me was shifting.

There was one unmistakable truth that engulfed me. The thought of his name escaping another’s lips broke my heart.

[kiindredsofthegrey]

a word, father.

She was unnaturally jittery right now. Maybe because of what she was planning to do. Maybe it was the anger she held towards her father that was simmering below the surface of her skin as she stared at the ocean. All she could think of was her mother, her letters, and her need to meet her. Vivienne was angry but she also wanted results and answers. She had to try and keep a clear head to make her father talk.

She inhales and exhales a heavy breath as she looks down at herself, taking off the simple pair of boy-shorts she was wearing. “Okay, you only need to talk to your father without getting in one of your rages… It’s 6AM, you’re running on no sleep, you’re kinda still tipsy and you need to talk to your father without flying off the handle… You have to get him to help you.. You got this Vivienne… No, no.. you should’ve brought someone as you’re now having a full conversation with yourself. Okay!”

Vivienne shakes her arms slightly as she steps into the water. “Okay, I know you can hear me. I need to speak with you. Alone. Without Amphitrite. Meet me at your isle..” The last thing Vivienne needed was to see Amphitrite with him. That one. She would not be able to handle seeing. Not without trying to knock her head off. Vivienne inhaled and exhaled again as she allowed herself to focus on her body, allowing her mind to control and change her body’s physiology. She needed to change to her proper form for her to get there.

Vivienne walked further into water until she was about waist-deep. Her legs melded together, growing scales up over her waist which shimmered in the morning sun’s light. Feet became fins and just under her jaw grew gills. Vivienne allowed herself to seep into the water and inhaled it before she kicked off and began her quick swim to meet her father.

She swam up on shore of Poseidon’s isle, allowing her body to return to her normal human form. Vivienne looked around and for her typical robe placed up on a branch. The sun was up and shining brightly now. She glanced around as she took the robe and put it on. She could feel him nearby; Vivienne followed the pull of his energy further into the brush. Her anger was boiling in her stomach the moment she saw him, dressed in a pair of slacks and a taut button up shirt. “You said we needed to speak?” His voice seemed immediately irritating to her. But. She tried to remain calm. Vivienne nodded. “Yes. We do. Uhm.. something came to my attention recently— “

”Vivienne.” Vivienne looked immediately confused. “Uh, yes?” She decided to answer. “Who were you with before coming here?” She blinked.. “My friend Charles.. and a few other people. Wh— “ ”Who, Vivienne.”

He sounded so irritated and it was pissing her off. “WHY does it matter, father.” Her voice became very flat and annoyed. “Because they’re demons. And their scent and energy is.. all over you. And one o—“ “And? What does it matter? Because they’re demons they’re immediately bad?” “You do not know what they are capable of.” “And I don’t know what you’re capable of. You could be worse than them. You could be the bad one for all I know.” “Do you actually think I would cause you more harm than those demons you are concerning yourself with?”

“Well I don’t know you no more than I know them! And YOU don’t know them either. You’re just assuming they’re bad because they’re demons and you’re divine. They are clearly evil and wanted me dead on sight. It’s why I’m still standing here, BREATHING before you. Completely unscathed and in perfect shape.” Vivienne couldn’t help the irritation and sarcasm that was coming from her. He was being ridiculous about this. “It will only be a matter of time before they betray you or hurt you, Vivienne. I am only looking ou— “ “… You sound like Kyle. Jesus all of you are fucking ridiculous. And you know what? I don’t need you to look out for me. I have been looking out for myself basically all my life WITHOUT you…” She paused, seeing the hurt expression on his face. She inhaled and exhaled and tried to calm herself but it was clear she wasn’t as the sun had disappeared behind thick dark clouds that was swarming the entire area. Vivienne looked up, letting out a sigh. “Why does this upset you? I am trying to be there for you. And we talked about this. I wasn’t— “

“Allowed to help me. Yeah yeah. Well. This. Isn’t something that needs your attention. They haven’t hurt me. And I’m not asking for your opinion on my choice of company. You’re overstepping your boundaries. And honestly? It just seems like you Gods all have excuses for ignoring your demigod children while they struggle to try and have a semblance of normal life among humans. You know, where we barely belong? Sure, all your excuses are different. But they’re all just. Excuses. We’re your children. You’re SUPPOSED to be there for us. Or do the human values I know differ from your Olympian ones?” Vivienne tilted her head and watched her now silent father. “Look. This isn’t what I came to discuss. I just… I want your help. Now. I need it. I feel like you’re the only one who can help me with this…” Vivienne admitted, her expression shifting from an irritated one to a sad one.

“It’s about my mother…” Poseidon mimicked her sad expression. “Vivienne I— ““No. Please. She has been trying to reach me for year, father. Letters. A bunch of them! And she couldn’t because— “ ” She was cursed.”

“Yes! And… back then. You didn’t help her.” Poseidon gave her a small frown. “I was forbidden from doing so. Considering our relationship. The one we shouldn’t have had.” Vivienne’s stomach twisted but she nodded at him. “Yeah, but… you should’ve. You could’ve. And you didn’t.” Vivienne tightened her hands into fists. “But. You can do so now. Not for Circe. But for me. That’s all I want. Help me cure her, father.” He remained silent as he watched his pleading daughter. “Please. For me.” He sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry Vivienne. This is something that I cannot help you with. Am— “

“I forbid it. And I will always forbid. I do not care if it is for you, little bastard, or your whorish mother.” Anger flared immediately and Vivienne lost control as she whirled around to face her – Amphitrite. “Watch your mouth.” Vivienne snapped. Poseidon let out a heavy sigh as he looked from Vivienne to his wife. “I told you to give us privacy— “

“And I did until that whore was mentioned— “Thunder clapped in time with hearing that word again, Vivienne’s control slipping and brewing a terrible and growing storm. “Say it again, I dare you.” Amphitrite grinned at Vivienne and crossed her arms. “And what will you do child?” She asked the witch about to advanced forward but Poseidon stands in her path. “Amphitrite it’s what she deserves. I wouldn’t be in contact with— “ “NO! I do not care for her happiness. I want her to suffer for overstepping and sleeping with my husband. And your suffering will always be to be obsolete and allow her suffering.” Vivienne gritted her teeth. “Oh my god—Let it go! He’s still here! Still yours! I just want my mother like he had the chance to meet me! HE owes me this!” Vivienne was pleading with her now and trying not lose control of her anger. “I don’t care what he owes. He owes ME this and this debt is older than yours, child. Perhaps your mother should’ve kept her le— “

Vivienne had moved without her realizing it, moving past her father and in a flash she was in front Amphitrite, a crack echoing through the space that erupted from Vivienne’s hand striking across the sea goddess’ face. There was a look of surprise on Amphitrite’s face but that quickly turned to a look of anger. The goddess kneed Vivienne in the gut, knocking the wind out of her. Vivienne gasped for air and staggered back. Amphitrite reaches out and grabs the demi by the throat and slams her into a tree. “You have a lot of nerve little girl.” Vivienne opened her eyes and glared at Amphitrite.

In a flash she fires off a blast of fire that blinds the goddess making her stagger back. Vivienne kicks her leg out and kicks her in the stomach with no restraint on her strength, throwing her back onto the ground. In a few strides Vivienne was standing over her, stepping on her chest hard as water pooled in her hand and extending out to become a blade at Amphitrite’s neck. “Perhaps if you weren’t a nagging bitch my father wouldn’t have looked elsewhere crone.”

“Char— “ “ – No! What did you do to my mother!” The thunder clapped angrily with Vivienne’s booming voice which made Amphitrite laugh. “If I were you, I would never try and meet her. One look and well, you’ll find her becoming something too hideous and monstrous to love. Killing her would be a mercy. She’ll be simple minded beast.” Amphitrite grinned at Vivienne which made her angrier. “You bitch!” “That’s it, I’ve seen enough of this.” With a flare of his power, Poseidon brings Vivienne’s storm to a stop and pushes her off Amphitrite. “I will not have you at each other’s throats like this.”

Poseidon goes to help Amphitrite up, who just knocks his hand away and gets up on her own. “I’ve had enough of your demon loving bastard— “”Just like he had enough of you 20 years ago— “”Enough! You both sound like children.” There was a very thick silence as Amphitrite and Vivienne stared each other down. “Charmian I cannot help you—“”Hmph!””WHAT!” Vivienne looked at Poseidon in outrage. “Not because of my wife either. More so because of your judge of character. If you can make better choices about who you give your company to, perhaps—“

”Seriously?! You’re making this about the demon thing?” Vivienne’s began to well with tears. “This is more important than you realize. You are simply too young too understand—“”No.. No! All I hear is a dick making more excuses about not proving he’s here for his daughter. You don’t get to try and father me when you abandon me for 21 years! I had to find you, I had to fight for you to be apart of my life and all I ask is that you just. Give me this one. Thing!” Her voice was breaking over her words, a bit of remorse flickering in Poseidon’s eyes now. “But you know what… Fuck you. I’ll do it myself.” She turns away from the pair and stomps off from them. “Charmia—“”Don’t call me that!” And with that angry shout she runs, disappearing into the ocean. - - - - - - - @xtrareadallaboutit

[nandinisniche]

What Sarees Can Teach Cis Feminists About Trans* Solidarity

(This article was originally published on Medium on June 11, 2015.)

Stop Saying Caitlyn Jenner Is Doing Femininity Wrong

In the midst of America’s earnest “trans moment”, a strong call for opposition is making itself heard even in progressive — and feminist — media.

It’s coming from inside the house

Trans* acceptance was never going to be a slam dunk, not even with the stupendous combined charm of Laverne Cox and Caitlyn Jenner, nor with the help of that old reliable — airbrushed sex appeal — thrust at us from magazine covers to proclaim their inauguration into True American Womanhood™. Nothing about upending gender expectations is ever that easy.

So this is where we are. The more we publicly the celebrate transgender acceptance, the more anti-trans worms continue to crawl out of the patriarchal woodwork. This is no surprise. To do my bit as a cis ally to trans people, I was ready to write to, reason with, and educate the haters. What is surprising is that so many of the haters are fellow feminists.

Meet the TERFs

Like many Tumblr-toting Roxane-Gay-quoting internet feminists, I had been under the impression that the old guard Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists — TERFs — were a dying breed. The internet circles I lurk in are trans-friendly spaces, at least in name. My Twitter feed was full of trans-positive articles even before Laverne Cox hit the front pages of American media. My favorite reddit communities ban on sight anyone who suggests that trans men aren’t really men, or that it would be dangerous to allow trans women into ladies’ toilets.

But about a week ago, I began to see some startlingly transphobic articles being shared on my carefully culled Facebook feed. Several feminists that I admired were openly disparaging the manner and style and details of Caitlyn Jenner’s public transition.

Some of them went the unabashedly bigoted route, linking to articles like Matt Walsh’s screed, “Calling Bruce Jenner A Woman Is An insult To Women”. Such hatefulness and incoherence is easy to refute (though not defeat). It’s difficult for progressives to take a christian conservative cis white man seriously when he says Caitlyn Jenner is “Disgusting, frankly.” Chalk it up to yet another thing Matt Walsh is wrong about today, and move on.

Other feminists have taken the more subtly transphobic path, criticizing Ms Jenner for playing up stereotypes about femininity. Today an NYT op-ed by Elinor Burkett, for example, is outraged at Chelsea Manning for saying she feels more emotionally sensitive since transitioning, and takes Ms Jenner to task for looking forward to wearing nail polish openly in public after her transition. These attacks are so much harder to deal with because they grow from a germ of truth. Most women alive today grew up battling these stereotypical, insulting assumptions about femininity by the world at large: that women are “too emotional”, that women are obsessed with superficialities like make-up and nail polish, that women are biologically hardwired this way and therefore calling women silly or superficial is not sexism!When we see these insults being given new life by the statements of transgender women in the public eye, we wince.

Yes, I admit it. I winced too.

But then I remembered the sarees.

The story of the sarees

This is where I tell you a little about my roots. I am from India. I grew up in Bengaluru in the ‘80s and ‘90s, back when it was still Bangalore and quite a lot more socially conservative than it is today, though much more liberal than many other parts of India. 

One of the fiercest battles I waged then was against the dress code imposed on me: traditionalism first, modesty a close second, to hell with my personal choice, and don’t even dare breathe the word ‘fashion’ for fear of being branded whorish[1]. Even after my family moved overseas, this dress code persisted, made me choke, made me seethe. My parents and I had screaming fights over my tight jeans. My underwear was scrutinized for possible covert sluttiness[2]. I wasn’t allowed to wear spaghetti strap tops even in my 20s.

I became quite the expert in the art of secret outfit changes when away at school and college. I also grew to hate the traditional Indian clothes that were constantly held up to me as markers of good virtue. Enforced modesty taught me to see every saree as a symbol of oppression[3].

Can you imagine my state of mind when I saw my peers both in real life and in the media embrace sarees as liberating fashion statements? I saw many South Asian women ‘reclaiming’ the saree as sensual, religious, feminine, traditional, and kickass all at once (and I doubt they had ever collectively lost their claim to begin with). Many desi girls and women overseas embraced sarees as defiant, joyous expressions of their minority cultural identity. I saw my school friends wear their sarees happily and stylishly, and I got thoroughly pissed off at them.

I thought they were stupid for welcoming their own oppression. I thought they were betraying me, betraying all the battles that I and every other Indian feminist had fought to escape our compulsory-desi-outfit shackles. I raged at them for giving ammunition to all the people who pressured me to dress traditionally: now they were able to point to all these other girls and say, See? See how happy they are in traditional clothes? Why can’t you be like that?

But most diasporan desi girls and women never fought the battles I fought, and don’t have the same associations with sarees that I do. Their life experiences allowed them to take a pleasure in sarees that will probably always be alien to me. For some of them, donning a saree was even something of a defiance. 

I had a dance instructor in junior college who was called to the Bar in London, and at one of the formal ceremonies that followed, instead of wearing the expected black robes, she wore a lace-edged black saree. She said she was telling the British to stuff it. I was stunned. I believe that was the first time I allowed that maybe, just maybe, sarees are not oppression for everyone all the time.

Not just sarees

No doubt other ethnic and religious groups have experienced a similar dissnoance. I have an Iranian friend who chafes under the laws that impose headscarves on her whenever she goes back home, and her journey has been toward understanding why American hijabis exist: to understand that for some American muslimahs, wearing the hijab is as radical an act as it is for my Iranian friend to take hers off.[4]

The moral of the story

What the saree can teach cis feminists is this: context matters. Our life experiences matter. The symbols and methods we choose for self-expression have particular meanings for ourselves, and we should not insist that our meaning is THE universal meaning.

For some women, nail polish is a symbol of all the dreary, expensive, time-consuming hoops women are expected to jump through to adequately perform our femininity. For other women, especially those who have spent their entire lives longing for and being forcibly denied any expression of femininity, nail polish may be a powerful and triumphant symbol of self expression.

How can the former among us take offence at the latter? It is well within our rights to interrogate the patriarchal rules surrounding nail polish from a critical perspective, but how can we justify interrogating trans women like that?

Can we even imagine how it must feel to be ‘officially’ allowed to wear nail polish after 65 years of being denied it? I want to throw Caitlyn Jenner the glitteriest mani-pedi party when I think about it, and I’m the kind of person that’s owned exactly four bottles of nail polish ever in all my life. (So… I guess we will be hiring professional manicurists for the party because I would paint her knuckles as likely as nails.)

Beyond the cis perspective

So far I’ve only considered trans women’s choices from a resolutely cis lens. But what if we tried looking at the performance of femininity from the perspective of trans women themselves? Would we see merely choice and triumph? Or would we see something more nuanced, and decidedly darker?

Consider: violence against transgender women is an epidemic. Even though trans women are only 10% of all LGBTQ people who report incidents of hate directed at them, they are 45% of murder victims in the same group. Passing as female can be a matter of life or death for trans women. In light of this, is there any way to see cis feminists’ criticism of trans women for “trying to hard” to be feminine as anything other than terrifying, hateful, or at least deeply misguided? I don’t think so.

Consider: trans people are more deeply and thoroughly scrutinized for their performance of gender than cis people like myself can ever fathom. The pressure on trans people to surgically feminize their appearance in order to “pass”, or in order to be more acceptable as romantic partners, is extremely strong even when they personally would rather not get surgery. (Yes, that’s right, not all trans people want surgery.) This pressure and scrutiny has extremely damaging effects on trans people — for example, over 40% of transgender people attempt suicide, compared to 4.6% in the general population and around 15% among LGB people. Should cis feminists really be piling on trans people for supposedly “over”performing gender, thus adding to the toxic culture of overscrutinizing trans people? I definitely don’t think so.

A better way to fight

Here’s what I think cis feminists should be doing instead:

#1 (for the Meets Minimum Standards of Human Decency badge) Unequivocally support and encourage trans people’s chosen manner of gender expression. It’s a battle they have fought long and hard for, and feminists of all people should not be in the business of yelling them for somehow “doing it wrong”. They are doing it right, because they get to decide what’s right for them. Period.

#2 (for the Feminist 101 badge) Support the efforts of trans activists who want to build a safer and more equal world for transgender people. This means reading trans feminist writing (good places to start include Laverne Cox, Zinnia Jones, Model View Culture, and if you’re feeling academic, Radical TransFeminist). This means educating ourselves on the specific obstacles to equality faced by the trans community: safety, access to healthcare, equal opportunity in employment, equal access to public toilets, etc.

#3 (for the Intersectional Feminist badge) Recognize that if there is a reason why media portrayals of famous trans people is problematic, it is because of the way this affects THE TRANS COMMUNITY, not cis women! The inimitable Laverne Cox says:

A year ago when my Time magazine cover came out I saw posts from many trans folks saying that I am “drop dead gorgeous” and that that doesn’t represent most trans people. (It was news to be that I am drop dead gorgeous but I’ll certainly take it). But what I think they meant is that in certain lighting, at certain angles I am able to embody certain cisnormative beauty standards. Now, there are many trans folks because of genetics and/or lack of material access who will never be able to embody these standards. More importantly many trans folks don’t want to embody them and we shouldn’t have to to be seen as ourselves and respected as ourselves . It is important to note that these standards are also infomed by race, class and ability among other intersections.

In the spirit of #3, I highly recommend browsing the amazing Twitter hashtag, #MyVanityFairCover, where ordinary non-celebrity transgender people are creating their own “Call Me Caitlyn” style cover shots.

And finally, every time we feel anger or outrage stirring in response to something a trans woman says or does about her femininity, we need to remember the story of the sarees.

[1] & [2]: These were the terms used at me, and yes, they are extremely disparaging to sex workers.

[3]: Make no mistake: for hundreds of thousands of Indian girls and women, these clothes are indeed an oppression. Traditional dress codes are commonly imposed on Indian women to this day. I personally know far too many married women living in urban, upper class, highly educated joint families who do not have ‘permission’ from their in-laws to wear jeans.

[4]: Note that I am not suggesting that any choice whatsoever is feminist/radical just because it is a choice. Choice feminism is deeply flawed. What I am saying is, any symbol or act can be radical or oppressive depending upon personal and social context.