#navel gazing about it

[nothingmatters-everythingmatters]

lurking in radfem spaces has really changed my entire view of most mainstream internet spaces because once you realize just how censored women's voices and feminist thought are on these sites, and how much porn and misogynistic values are defended, you can't unsee it.

how anyone can bear to participate in an online space where porn, of all things, is lauded as the bastion of "self-expression" and yet any woman slightly critical of popular cultural opinions is demonized is wild, especially when a lot of that porn is a) violent and misogynistic b) often accessible by minors c) gross and shallow d) myriad of other reasons far better writers have probably described

fuck I'm just so tired. seeking rationality online is just opening a pandora's box of garbage and seeing the reflection of how bleak the social hegemony has become.

[witsserviceablesubstitute]

Edwin and Charles are still very much a possibility and Charles does flirt with Edwin after he finds out about his feelings. Not to be cruel, but as if he's testing it out.

To my mind the way their relationship has progressed has to do with them being young and traumatized and their development having been hindered by their generational context and murders. Edwin was a young gay guy in a time when homosexuality was criminalized, he was targeted because of his perceived sexuality, he died before he'd gone through any real sexual awakening. Then he develops an extremely close relationship with a boy who died at the height of the AIDS epidemic, who was also targeted because of his identity, who's loud and brash and openly affectionate, who uses cheer and friendliness as a suit of armor— so different to how Edwin interacts with the world.

Edwin and Charles never had cause to interrogate why they felt such a kinship with each other, they just did and that was fine.

However, Edwin is going through a sexual awakening now. Two pretty boys were very forward with him, one sexually and the other emotionally, and he had to do some extremely rapid self reflection (for him) to parse his own reactions and responses and feelings. He realized he was in love with Charles and told him, that in itself was a catharsis for Edwin.

Now I think he'll set those feelings aside (because he does believe them to be unrequited) and start being more and more open to propositions from others. I also think Charles isn't going to like that overly and he'll have to do some self reflection of his own.

[bite-the-bloody-hand]

Setting aside the knee-jerk 'eeeeew you're in love with your cousin' reaction to Daeran's illusion in Areelu's Lab, I need to talk a second about what a profoundly telling character moment that is for both Daeran and Galfrey.

Daeran refers to Galfrey as the 'Queen of his dreams' and mentions it being twisted by demon logic when questioned. It makes sense that demons would immediately latch on to a psychosexual implication, but it's not about having a crush on her.

The desire to have Galfrey 'out of her armor' is the desire to reconnect with the last member of his family.

He mentions when you ask about his Mother that she was a 'real' mother as opposed to a 'Countess' mother, implying that she was less interested in raising him to be a Proper Noble and more interested in just being present as his only parent. This is indicated in the glimpses we see of his younger self at the party, and in his often-stated resentment towards the necessities of 'proper comportment.'

Galfrey also mentions how close she was to Silaena, referring to her as a 'real' family member, the only person she was truly close to. From the way both of them speak about her, Silaena Arendae was a central, stabilizing part of both of their lives. Galfrey also mentions what a sweet boy Daeran was as a small child, implying a much closer relationship than the current mutual polite revulsion. @thedosianexplorer surmised to me that it's likely Galfrey was once a beloved, comforting figure in young Daeran's life, and I agree. How could she be anything else to the son of someone she so loved? And how awful must it have been to both of them to have that taken away?

Losing the rest of their noble family was certainly a blow, but neither of them even mention their names. The moment Silaena died, however, that was when they were both orphaned. What makes it all the more tragic is the grief that could have brought them closer only served to completely sever their familial connection.

Galfrey has no clue about the true reason Daeran clings so desperately to enjoying life; all she knows is that he may have physically survived but the child she loved was very much dead with the rest of them - in its place an irresponsible, flippant, spoiled brat unwilling to fill the space Silaena left behind. Daeran has no way of communicating the truth to Galfrey, and acts resentfully towards who or whatever else she puts her attention towards, while flaunting his lifestyle at every opportunity.

His lifestyle, as such, is an Emperor's Wardrobe of red flags, but it's hard to see those flags through tunnel vision stained with demon blood. Neither of them are allowed to mourn, but at least Daeran can try to be happy. But as for Galfrey, thedosianexplorer put it best in this hypothetical line:

'How dare you let yourself be happy, I haven't let myself be happy since your mother died.'

The tragedy is that Daeran's need for secrecy and Galfrey's state- and self- imposed martyrdom has created an impenetrable armor between them, and I think is at the heart of the loneliness they both feel. The cruelty of that moment, where the dream of connection is twisted into a mean joke, still sits with me.

[max1461]

On the diffuse harms point, if you had a button that would take $0.01 from every person in the US and give $2M to one random person in the US, would you press it? how many times?

In abstract thought experiment land I think it would very probably be moral to do this; if it wouldn't, that has more to do with how the million dollars affects the recipient than anything else. Change dollars to utility (or whatever) and I feel pretty confident in saying it would be moral. I am a strong "mildly inconvenience 3^^^3 people in order to save one life"-er. I think the problem with this thought experiment is that in the real world, mildly inconveniencing very large numbers of people has second-order effects that are actually worse than mildly inconvenient, like that thing about how a certain number of people probably die due to the economic inefficiencies caused by the TSA. But if I was a wizard and I could arrange that 3^^^3 people be mildly inconvenienced in a truly second-order-effect-free way in exchange for saving one life, yes I would definitely do it. Would I arrange that 3^^^3 be tortured to save one life? I don't think so, even if the torture was less bad than death. In fact, I probably wouldn't arrange for even 50 people to be tortured to save one life, again even if the torture was less bad than death. I'm not a utilitarian but I'm also not an... ethical maxminner, or whatever. I'm at some difficult to place position in between.

In the real world, I think taking $0.01 from every person in the US and giving $2M to one random person would almost certainly be bad, for various implementation reasons if nothing else.

[larkral]

First Line Analysis

Thanks @kiwiana-writes for the tag! Apparently even though I've been back in fandom for two years, that doesn't equate to ten fics. So this includes the opening line from one of my ancient Battlestar Galactica fics. Which, honestly stands up IMO.

RULES: post the first lines of your last 10 fics/chapters posted on AO3 (if you have less than 10 fics posted, post the first lines of all your fics) and try to draw some conclusions.

Lines

The Co-captain D-men Reveille (™, patent not yet pending) spits out a rapid guitar riff, the CD alarm and selection of Haus mix CDs randomizing their wake-up soundtrack to Infinity Guitars. (Friday Prime - a Check Please Ransom/Holster time loop fic)

The call comes at 3am. (finally (already, always) - a Carry On Snowbaz fic but let's be honest a love story to lesbian mums, still a WIP)

The ocean is a warped mirror, and the sun is glancing into my eyes from its every shifting peak. (Feet Burried in the Sand - a Carry On Snowbaz fic)

If you've never seen a MG in person, you aren't ready for it. (Three Months or 3,000 Miles - a Carry on Snowbaz fic)

It's very hot. (Visible at sea - an In Other Lands / Turn of the Story Sunbrat fic)

The day I became a Sophomore, as our dorms rotated down, my room was suddenly twice its previous size. (A Dangerous Affinity - a Carry On x Naomi Novik's Scolomance Snowbaz epic)

The first thing I noticed about Agatha was the line where her jaw slopes into her neck, the interplay of tendons and skin and bone: the sternocleidomastoid, the hyoids, the styloid process. (scapulae - a smutty femslash offshoot of A Dangerous Affinity, so technically a Carry On fic featuring Agatha/OC)

It’s been ages since I’ve walked in on Snow crying into his pillow. (Good at Something - a Carry On Snowbaz blowjob epic)

We’re leaving the movie theatre when Penny sees the ice cream shop. (Baby, it's cold - a Carry on Snowbaz+Stormchaser fluff-fest)

He wouldn’t say his ears are ringing, but there’s something vibrating just like that, his consciousness modulating on its axis. (An Arranged Meeting - a Battlestar Galactica Starbuck/Apollo sex club fic)

Analysis

Apparently I have two types of opening lines: SNAPPY AS FUCK and heavy with figurative language.

Literally none of these tell you who the POV character is. Apparently I like to keep that information close to my chest.

Most of these seem to be about establishing concrete details that will be relevant to the story. Only 2 and 8 don't do that work.

Looks like I'm into showing not telling. In context all of these lines except for 9 have meaningful emotional weight, but I'm going to make you work for it.

Tags below the cut!

Come join me in navel gazing about your writing! <3

@facewithoutheart @cutestkilla @hushed-chorus @sillyunicorn @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

@ileadacharmedlife @bookish-bogwitch @captain-aralias @petedavidsonscock @artsyunderstudy

@martsonmars @nausikaaa @nightimedreamersghost @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @that-disabled-princess

@shrekgogurt  @palimpsessed @fatalfangirl​ @blackberrysummerblog @wellbelesbian​

@j-nipper-95 @youarenevertooold @emeryhall @run-for-chamo-miles @talentpiper11 @mooncello

@run-for-chamo-miles @roomwithanopenfire @monbons

[lightbulb-warning]

i used to freehand comics all the time as a child and since the part i liked was the drawing part i would just draw panel after panel because i didn't want to stop drawing to think about icky icky words, plus the story TOTALLY still made perfect sense! to me! and noone else, but 'whoooo caaaaares omgggg its not like comics and sequantial art are a communicative meeediummmm lmaoooooo'. i spent my entire childhood telling myself stuff like "oh pfft I know this story by heart- ill SIMPLY remember the dialogue and write it later" ...and. I can't help but admire baby maiora's (call that a minora ba tm tsk) fucking audacity? hubris? confident wrongness? kid couldn't even remember to finish the comics in the first place? INCREDIBLE levels of unearned self assurance, wish that were me, genuinely- what an icon!!! anyway i think i have forever cursed myself

[queerpyracy]

imo a lot of people would benefit from thinking about their own queerness less in terms of naming every aspect of their nebulous inner experience to make it easily categorized and more in terms of who they want to be in relationship with & how

like. "am i ever under any circumstance attracted to men" is a wildly different question from "what kind of relationships do i want to have with the men in my life." this applies to gender too but my feelings on that are less easily articulated

[captainclickycat]

On Amatonormativity and Italy

I think I feel the same way about getting into a romantic relationship as I do about going to Italy.

I don’t dislike the idea of going to Italy. It seems like it could be cool. Maybe one day I’ll go there and have a wonderful time. But that doesn’t mean it’s essential for me. I’m not actively making plans to go there. The fact that I’m not in Italy right now doesn’t make me unhappy. If I was offered the opportunity to go I might be interested, but I’d still have to think about the practicalities and consider whether I was being offered the kind of trip I would actually enjoy, as opposed to just going there for the sake of it. I don’t want to go if it’s not actually going to be fun.

So amatonormativity in action to me feels a bit like living in a world where it’s just casually assumed that “going to Italy” is something that everyone wants and knows about and plans to do at some point. If you mention that you haven’t been there, people will assume you want to rectify that and will try to reassure you, unprompted, that you’ll make it there someday. You’ll get people asking out of nowhere whether you’ve been yet or why you’re not there right now. Sometimes they’ll even randomly start whipping out flight itineraries and making suggestions for how you can financially plan for a trip and what dates you should fly out on. They might assume, rather uncharitably, that there must be something “wrong” with you if you haven’t been.

Sometimes it’s annoying, sometimes it’s just odd. And again, it’s not like you actively dislike the idea or that you’d never be interested in going, or that you mind people asking if you have any plans to go out of polite interest. Maybe you even expressed an interest at some point. It’s just that your prospective holiday in Italy just seems like something other people are much more invested in than you are, which is weird, considering that it’s not their holiday.

[gothicprep]

ngl whenever I see people try to argue that things like adhd, depression, anxiety, etc aren’t expressions of neurochemistry but are instead a reaction to capitalism or something diabolically stupid like that, it always makes me think of this old tweet:

if aliens landed on the planet tomorrow and their only measurement of earth culture was our posts, they’d probably think capitalism is a synonym for general malaise.

[witsserviceablesubstitute]

Remembering how I loved the idea of Merlin/Arthur/Gwen is helping me understand why I love the idea of Edwin/Charles/Crystal.

Putting this aside, Season 1 of Dead Boy Detectives was heavily focused on Edwin and Crystal. Their individual journey and coming of age. They were also each other's impetus for that development.

Edwin's immediate antagonism meant Crystal had to defend her position and reflect on her responses and it activated her stubborn stubborn need to prove herself. Which in turn led to her entire season journey of self discovery, growth, and self acceptance. Crystal seismically disturbing Edwin's equilibrium meant he had to defend his position and reflect on his responses and it activated his stubborn stubborn need to prove himself. Which in turn led to his entire season journey of self discovery, growth, and self acceptance.

I'm glad it was them that got to mirror each other in the narrative so much because it really highlighted how similar they are (though they have very different experiences and are from vastly different generations). Can you imagine an edwardian Crystal and modern Edwin? There'd be things that are divergent, sure, but their core personality wouldn't change overly much. They'd both still be absolute menaces too. Modern Edwin would likely be an overt tease and edwardian Crystal rather subtle, but they'd still be (eventually) deeply principled and self-righteous and extremely stubborn and empathetic and blunt and angry and impatient and would not suffer fools at all.

My hope for Season 2 (if it happens) is for Charles and Niko to get their own coming of age journey. I really do want to see more of their story and for their characters to become a bit unravelled and interrogated.

[bite-the-bloody-hand]

Every time I think about the damn. Trickster option at the end of the quest with Latverk I mentally side-eye the writer like. Oh you thought that one bit in the Vows and Honor series by Mercedes Lackey was really cooking, huh. Just wanted a version of that without the obvious consequences, huh.

Sorry fam but polymorphing a bad man into a woman to be victimized to teach him a lesson is not the restorative justice you think it is jesus FUCKING christ.

[max1461]

I've talked before about how scientific knowledge assumes a robust body of everyday knowledge. When you do a scientific measurement, you need to trust that your instrument is giving you the right reading instead of an error, for instance. You probably don't know the ins and outs of how the instrument works yourself—you're trusting technicians to be able to do their job and make the instrument work. They may use a mixture of formal knowledge and informal knowledge to do this. You hear all kinds of stories of technicians saying things like "this machine's a little finicky, if it doesn't give a reading just give it a couple of whacks" or whatever all the time.

You use everyday, "common sense" reasoning of various sorts to determine if your instruments work and if your technicians are trustworthy and capable and so on. You can bolster this knowledge in other ways—for instance, if another research group on the opposite side of the world gets the same result as you, that's some evidence that your readings weren't a technical error. But trusting this research group requires all sorts of other informal knowledge, which you get through e.g. your professional network as a scientist and so on, about whether they're working in a reputable lab and whether the journal they published in is reputable and so on and so forth.

I'm not saying that this makes scientific knowledge untrustworthy. Far from it, I think scientists' ability to manage these epistemic hurdles is generally quite good, although certainly not flawless. They're an occupational hazard of being a human and trying to collaborate with other humans to figure stuff out about the world, there's no way you can get around it. But I do think it means that if you want to consider yourself, you know... epistemically virtuous, a good skeptic, you need a working model of how everyday knowledge is and should be obtained, an epistemic theory applicable to "folk knowledge" not obtained through the scientific process. Not only because you use folk knowledge all the time in your everyday life and should probably be thoughtful about whether it's bullshit or not, but also because the scientific process itself relies on it in a straightforward way.

Anyway, I can't do a rigorous scientific study to figure out... how I should respond to my friend when they're down, or how to throw them a good birthday party, or whatever. And I would be dubious of any psychology study which claims to answer these questions in a general sense. But that doesn't mean that I don't know how to do these things for my friend! My specific, "folk psychological" understanding of who my friend is as an individual, what they care about, how they respond to things, these are more reliable guides than the psychological literature would be on this issue! That viewpoint is not "anti-science". The alternative view is so patently ridiculous that basically no one hews to it, not even scientists.

On second thought I'm sure there are like, some podcast guys who believe it...

[lastontheboat]

Fandom creators self rec game! Choose five favourites from your own creations (and tell me why, if you like!), then pass on to at least five other people. I'd love to hear what you're proudest of.

Thank you @tackytigerfic for providing me an opportunity for navel-gazing! I enjoyed reading about your own favourites; I find it super interesting to see what other creators value about their works.

Per my last letter (I hope you choke on it)

This is my favourite completed fic for a number of reasons:

1. I had always wanted to try writing an epistolary

2. I had always wanted to try collaborating on a fic with a friend

3. The writing process was an absolute joy

It feels like a distillation of many of my favourite things, but unlike many fics the creation process didn't involve tearing my hair out trying to make it do what I wanted. Whenever I'd get stuck, I'd just close the document and go to bed, then when I woke up the next morning @fluxweeed would have added several new scenes that set my brain on fire. It was an absolutely magical experience for me, and I'm extremely fond of the end result. This is probably the fic of mine that I've re-read the most, and it delights me every time!

Podfic of Stop All The Clocks, by firethesound

I've got a lot of podfics to choose from, but this is one that I'm particularly proud of. The original fic is imprinted on my soul, but the thing that sticks with me more than the actual plot is the sensation of reading it and feeling my heart break over and over.

Making podfics is a very personal craft for me. It's an investment of my time, and I generally choose ones to record that I strongly associate with a particular first-time reading experience. This was my sixth large podfic project, and I really wanted my reading to amplify the heartbreak that's already present in the text. It was a much more emotional recording and editing process than most of my podfics, but it's also the only one I've listened to entirely after releasing it.

I'm extremely fond of every listener who has taken the plunge and commented about their experience of it, and completely understand everyone who has been like "I don't fuck with that fic. You couldn't pay me to listen it."

body electric

This is the first fic I can recall writing that was entirely driven by a feeling. I remember being consumed by the idea of that spark between Harry and Draco, of them needing to feed it and hold it but being unable to act upon it. I was between jobs and had a lot of time to myself, and I wrote this fic in a fugue state over the space of two days. I had never experienced a writing process so feverish before, and I don't know if I will again.

I also need to shout out the beta feedback I got from @zaharya on this one, whose very insightful comments about the passage of time in the second chapter led to me adding a bunch of my favourite lines to it:

“I want to bend you over this table,” he says, panting now. “I want you under me, here in my workshop. You’ll leave here and every time you smell wood shavings you’ll think of me.” “I already do,” Malfoy says, his voice cracking.

Podfic of If The Fates Allow, by saras_girl

I spend a lot of time listening to audiobooks these days, and I really appreciate being able to consume so many stories while driving or cooking. For me, recording a podfic is about giving others the opportunity to experience some of my favourite fics, and trying to capture some of what they mean to me in my voicing.

saras_girls fics hold a very special place in my heart, and this one is my absolute favourite of hers. As a podfic, the biggest challenge here was dealing with the ensemble cast—it stretched the limits of unique voices I could do without them sounding forced, but it was also exciting trying to keep the voices consistent across 25 chapters.

the spirit is willing (the flesh is weak)

This is the newest fic that I finished (the only one so far in 2023), but I haven't made too much noise about it on here because it's attached to my alt account. This one started out as a concept that wouldn't leave me alone (Bill/Ginny fuck or die), but it's also another data point in my exploration of what it's like to write smut.

I still don't think it comes naturally to me, whatever that means—I'm much more comfortable keeping my writing to Teen, but I'm very satisfied with how this fic achieves what I set out to do with it. It was a stretch, but a good stretch!

[sex-obsessed-lesbian]

I reblogged your “faking orgasms” reblog and was all “hell yes”. But in between then and now, I got sexual with the first serious girlfriend I’ve had — making out, her grinding her pelvis on my thigh. She started going faster and I felt like she might be getting close, and I’m embarrassed to say that it subtly became my goal. It’s such egoic BS and feels so misguided. Can you help me “get” why this isn’t the goal, and maybe find a more productive focus for me to think about her pleasure?

(This is the post in question, for anyone who's curious)

I mean, IMHO, it's not a bad thing for orgasms to be a goal of sex! Like, they generally feel real nice, and for someone experiencing the buildup to orgasm, it's probably a goal for them, too! The post I reblogged is more about not having orgasms be the only goal of sex, or to get so focused on orgasms that you lose sight of pleasure more generally.

The "bad" outcome of focus-on-orgasm is when your partner feels pressured to come (in a certain way, in a certain time frame, or at all) because it feels like the end-all, be-all of your sex; because you'll be disappointed if they don't; because you'll be down on yourself if you don't make them come; etc. You don't want, e.g., "what's the matter, baby, why didn't you come? Was I not good enough? *pout*" (making it about you and making her have to comfort you) or "what do you mean, you didn't come?? I did everything right?" (making her feel like she messed up b/c of something she can't control).

But imho there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to make your partner come—especially if they verbally and/or physically express interest in this too!—as long as you don't get weird about it if they don't get off this time around.

Genitals and sex responses can be finicky, some people have an easier or harder time coming than others, some people have a complex relationship with their own orgasms. Even people who are generally orgasmic and chill with it sometimes have days where it's hard to come: maybe they're thinking too much or got overstimulated or are on a sub-optimally sexy part of their menstrual cycle or or or... The point is, these things happen! And someone who was working up to orgasm and then didn't get there may feel at least a little self conscious. But some good responses in that situation are: "Is that still feeling good or do you want to try something else?" "How are you doing, is there anything you want?" etc. And if they express shame or chagrin etc. at not having come, then an EXCELLENT thing you can do is to remind them: "I don't care whether you come as much as I care whether you feel good." Because the point isn't the orgasm, the point is your partner having a sexy fun time!

If you're concerned though, you can always have a conversation with your gf: what is her relationship to her orgasm? Is it a comfortable one or a fraught one? How would she prefer you approach it? How does she touch herself when she masturbates/what does she do to make herself come (if anything)?

I've had partners who had trouble orgasming but were really interested in learning to, so we just kind of messed around in as low-pressure a way as possible; and others who had trouble coming with partners and didn't want to do basically any striving for it, because it would stress them out which would make it harder for them to come, and so we don't talk about their orgasm at all, just about their pleasure! Orgasms certainly CAN be a goal (a goal, just one of many!) of your sexytimes, as long as they aren't the ONLY goal!

Re: "egoic BS": if you show a partner a good time in bed, you are def allowed to be a liiiittle smug about it! I certainly have been—who doesn't like feeling skillful and sexy?! Just remember that it's not as much about your skill and quote-unquote sexual prowess as it is about your connection with a given partner, and your ability to listen and communicate, and the moment you build together.

Anyway that's a lot of words, I hope some of that was helpful and I'm happy to ramble more about this if you have further Qs. And also, mazel tov on the gf and on some lovely hot n heavy makouts!

[clowndensation]

okay finally listened to the new podcast ep and. um. davrin 🥴🥴🥴

[longeyelashedtragedy]

lately i've acquired a lot of treasured mutuals who happen to also be really good writers (some of you have been mutuals for a long time, but most no) and so the answers to all these fic ask games have been really fascinating and have got me thinking.

for a while now i've been in a weirdly dark period about writing. i'm not saying this to self-deprecate, but i've been really frustrated by everything i write and have started thinking of myself as a mediocre writer and storyteller, and don't see a way out of it. i think the problem is that the stories i want to tell and the stories i wind up telling are two entirely different things. part of me has always felt too repressed to write the unhinged things i think, because the written word holds a disproportionate amount of weight in my life and it's like...if i write this thing, it's like a Written Contract and everyone will think it represents me entirely?

but also--people's answers have gotten me thinking about why i write. i think my primary objective is different, even, than creating or storytelling. i think it's a vestige of being a kid who essentially couldn't use the spoken word for communication because my life when i wasn't with my family was dominated by fear--with complex trauma i was terrified of other people, and terrified to be away from the "safety" of my family, so i'd spend most of my days at school or social activities just dissociating or having panic attacks and literally never speaking. thus the written word became the only way i could truly, safely communicate and say everything i wanted to say. plus, i always felt so, so, terrifyingly different from everyone else around me (well--i was) and even as i got older, i felt like i always had a different interpretation of things than the norm, and that was so frustrating, because i had opinions and thoughts i was too terrified to express.

i write because i want to communicate with you--i want you to know how i'm feeling about the world, about the characters--i want you to know how i think they think and feel, because i often put something of myself in them, so i'm telling you the things about me i was too afraid to say otherwise, or trying to find a more palatable way of helping you see the world as i do, because how else would i ever have done it otherwise?

maybe there's no room for the true creativity or envelope pushing because i'm still out here trying to make you understand me. do i still need this? (to use writing for that purpose--should i try to push myself to write for another purpose?) or is my writing doing something important for people? something to think about.