#nightmare.discourse

[elytrafemme]

all the shit about content creators being outed as groomers is so fucking exhausting b/c i think a lot of people fail to understand the effects grooming has on people and what it looks like. because you’ll see victims defending themselves trying to explain that yes this counted as grooming to an audience composed of this ignorant mass of people that do not care, and it’s hard to see that and then look at your own experience and ask yourself. do i have to fight to defend this, too? it didn’t look like these other people’s experiences. because my groomer wasn’t a celebrity, he was just a person, and these people have to fight so hard to show that there’s a power difference with these abusive streamers and youtubers, but what if my groomer didn’t have that? like it’s just very distressing and i am attracted to it like a moth to a flame for any semblance of solidarity but every piece of it just reminds me. if tens of people have to step up to call this person shitty, with receipts and everything. then what do i have to do. you know? 

[elytrafemme]

also btw. just wanted to point out how Boundless Sands and the Las Nevadas Finale (no matter HOW u feel about them) both made attempts and imo did a GOOD JOB at handling the conversation about recovery. neither c!Wilbur nor c!Quackity were perfect and clearly in the beginning or in the midst of a messy road to healing but w the letters and w Friend being in limbo + c!Wilbur going home we see like. the characters were WORKING on healing and being better as people. and that to me was not only a testament to how much cc!Wilbur and cc!Quackity loved their damn characters, but was also something that really reassured me. you know as someone who has had their own mental health issues too (clearly) and has been in the throes of the recovery process for a while. shits messy and shits unclear and you relapse but you TRY and cc!Wilbur and cc!Quackity did a good job being both gentle & real about the trying part.

versus the fucking “DSMP vol 1 finale”, aka a stream that was clearly coordinated (bold word choice of mine, implying anything here was really planned) by Dream and only included some of the biggest streamers (For all the DSMP season 3 / prison break stream had faults, at least more than 5 fucking people were on the server doing things !!!), had HORRIBLE messaging about the process of healing. Ppl have gone back and forth about how bad the whole Tommy Dream “reconcilation” thing was, and I didn’t watch the stream so I only know bits and therefore can only be taken w a grain of salt here. BUT i think that the fact that (1) Tommy was even entertaining the thought of making amends, or if you think that he was making amends at the time, with Dream NOT APOLOGIZING and no follow up to show that forgiving abusers doesnt absolve their guilt and also u dont have to forgive abusers and also Tommy wasnt at fault  . and also (2) that the finale involved THE ENTIRE SERVER BLOWING UP which not only signifies that these characters NEVER got a chance to heal but also ensured everyone excluding like c!Q and c!Wil NEVER COULD. Is fucking horrific and disgusting to me. 

and not to even talk about Dream as a person bc I have so many fucking thoughts about how all that makes the messaging surrounding power dynamics in the finale So much worse (and is the reason I have yet to watch the stream bc I will just trigger myself thinking about that). 

So fucking disgusting to see how the dsmp finale happened, with NO regards to the majority of other streamers, just Dream and whoever could mindlessly tag on that happened to have pretty big viewer counts (shocker), and completely throwing out the characters and the story that have been built for YEARS. Versus how streamers like Quackity and Wilbur handled things, INCLUSIVELY and COMPASSIONATELY and fucking EXCELLENTLY, in my opinion.

[elytrafemme]

so far Twitch (at Twitchcon specifically) has:

- specifically chosen a room that is small enough to only hold 400 people (might have that number wrong) and capped meet-and-greets are ~100 people for an event where they absolutely KNEW more than that many fans would be there, with an empty theatre that could potentially seat ~1000 fans if i had to guess was entirely unoccupied and could have been used 

- severely understaffed their DSMP panel if not the entirety of the event to the point that there are not an adequate amount of people to handle what the fans are doing

- aforementioned fans, particularly abled fans, pushed through the disabled line and deliberately harmed disabled fans in an attempt to get earlier access to the room with limited capacity 

- from what i hear, they asked/allowed pretty weird questions to be asked at the DSMP panel and moderated it poorly so many creators were talked over (and several had to switch in and out because there wasn’t enough space for everyone, a problem we hadn’t seen in twitchcon amsterdam or vidcon)

- put incorrect pronouns for creators who have made their pronouns public information that is very easily accessible (crumb, aimsey) 

there must be a thousand other things but i (1) didn’t attend the event and (2) didn’t watch the panel because i was working so this is just what i’m gleaning currently. feel free to add on or correct my facts on the bullshit twitch has pulled

and also in the light of other shit that is happening, let’s all give a sincere: FUCK TWITCH.

[elytrafemme]

also you know what. yeah part of my thinking behind making Cough Syrup feel more like OCs than a strictly DSMP compliant thing is like. Yeah I feel pretty fucking weird about the guy who got accused of grooming by several ppl (and not responding to the allegations sensically at all) just HAPPENING to write a story in which an abuser was apologized to and never held accountable for any shit and died lonely and sad bc he was ostracized or whatever like. I feel pretty fucking upset about that. and not to make it abt me or whatever but like. CS is a fic that i wrote to cope from being an abuse victim and shit and w the way that the CCs handled THIS its like . gross to me to think they’re even associated. so. 

[elytrafemme]

i’m not talking much about the current situation on my blog because the subject matter is intensely triggering for me and i do my best to try to keep my blog a space that is safe for me; i’m sorry if that’s selfish but i think it’s what’s best for my health. i have no intention of deleting my blog or leaving the fandom formally, and i hope that the victims are able to get some peace and justice for themselves. sending much love to everyone. <3 (please do not reblog this post). 

[elytrafemme]

entering my “being loud and brave about internet discourse” era. anyway i will never forgive the proship vs anti discourse for (1) the way that it distilled and combined entirely separate issues to create an us vs them mentality that ultimately prevents people from actually considering their opinions on each distinct issue and (2) the way that it has treated survivors of sexual trauma. i will always be mad at how society as a whole and everyone in it treats sexual violence survivors but i think it’s very under discussed when it comes to this tbh.

[elytrafemme]

i don’t know a ton about legal action but there are definitely grounds here to sue and i feel like the best way due to the size of the convention WOULD be like a class action lawsuit but again that costs money to take shit to court but hopefully that ends up happening because this is seriously dangerous and fucked up on so many levels

[elytrafemme]

the pronouns thing bothers me so fucking much too bc though it is something i joked about a lot i did have my pronouns fucked up on a website i was on where my bio had contradicting pronouns listed. but even though it was obviously an error anyone would have noticed, it did make me REALLY dysphoric to see that i was listed as only using (they/them) despite that being one of several of my pronoun sets like. idk that was done by people that care about inclusivity but just made a mistake; i don’t have much reason to believe that in contrast twitch really did that as anything other than willful negligence . but maybe i’m being too harsh on them i don’t have a reason not to be harsh though lmaoooo

[elytrafemme]

i’m shit at phrasing things but. every day i wake up and have to see how people with mental illnesses get wildly different treatment depending on how ‘palatable’ their symptoms are. whether it’s sweet and soft and easy for pricks to wrap their heads around. but the second anything gets too out there or god forbid a mentally ill individual isn’t super kind and people-pleasing all the time they’re fucking evil and mean and bitchy and they need to take accountability for the action of existing in that way how dare they. also happens when people have mental illnesses & disorders with a lot of stigma. anyway shit doesn’t exist within a vaccuum and as someone who has straight up been treated differently like a flip of a light switch after becoming “someone [they] didn’t know” (during a severe mental health episode because i wasn’t being super sweet anyway i digress) it’s kind of fucking irritating. lol. 

i know i phrased this bad but i hope people get the point.

(posts that aren’t about pitting mentally ill people against each other for their personalities and symptoms OR about holding people accountable for actual shitty things they do: this one. the former is fucking pointless and the latter is an important subject but not what i’m talking about, i use the word accountability in one specific context and that’s the only way i want that interpreted for the intents of this post) 

[elytrafemme]

not gonna make this very discoursey or whatever but tbh i don’t really care which character gets the elytra in the competition. personally part of the belief that c!philza getting the elytra wouldn’t be a detriment to his character arc if anything more just a mobility aid for his character considering that he lost his wings during the explosion (iirc thats how it happened). but also like. i want to see c!eryn get the elytra like a week after joining the server and pissing off c!tommy w it. so idk 

its hard work being a c!techno and c!philza enthusiast when ur also a c!tommy and c!tubbo enthusiast these days huh. like yes im a c!tubbo apologist also i don’t think c!techno needs to lose a canotical life for his arc hope this helps 

but for the record idc about ur takes on dsmp characters if ur following me idk how often all of that stuff comes up here anyway just. only limitation is dont send me c!beeduo crit and neg LOL but u all know that fdjhhjfd 

edit: ig narratively in terms of the elytra i think itd be cool if c!tubbo (mechanical wings babeyyy) c!tommy c!Q or c!philza got it but again. if c!sam somehow gets it and starts using it to get rid of the penises on the prison honestly fairs 

[elytrafemme]

okay i feel like i phrased the tags in my last post wrong but i don’t want to go back and try to fix those so i’m just going to clarify here. i don’t think that it’s c!tubbo’s fault whatsoever that he has trauma surrounding c!techno and likely c!philza, obviously. like that is just objectively not his fault. but i also think that considering how close c!ranboo is to those two, an acknowledgement of c!tubbo’s trauma doesn’t have to include c!ranboo completely disowning the syndicate and saying fuck you to them and attacking them because c!tubbo is 1000% in the right with all of this. especially since it’s been stated by several characters, including c!tubbo, that c!techno was very much peer pressured into the execution and was not going in there just to say fuck you c!tubbo and blow him up. obviously c!techno has not been kind to c!tubbo but c!tubbo has also not been kind to c!techno and we could argue who started what but at the end of the day, that’s that, you know? c!tubbo does not have to like the syndicate members for c!ranboo to still be part of the syndicate, especially since he joined the syndicate partly for his alignment with its values but also to PROTECT C!TUBBO AND THEIR SON which i feel like people forget sometimes. like it’s fine to reserve criticisms over c!techno and how he treated c!tubbo and the same thing with c!phil, but i think it’s honestly out of character and a bit shitty to say that because of what happened in the past, c!ranboo must absolutely find the two of them evil. like again this isn’t me saying yeah fuck it c!ranboo should talk about c!techno in front of c!tubbo all the time and they should get even CLOSER. this is just saying that there’s a lot of nuance in the situation (i mean for fuck’s sake the person who. orchestrated c!tubbo’s horrific execution. was c!schlatt. c!techno didn’t even know this shit was happening.) and i just. don’t like when people opt for that sort of c!beeduo angst. because it doesn’t feel like it’s plausible that c!tubbo would ask for c!ranboo to rip c!techno a new one, and it doesn’t seem plausible that c!ranboo would trudge up all this shit about c!tubbo’s trauma as he’s trying to recover from it. like c!tubbo wanting c!ranboo to maybe live with him more instead of over there? yeah of course that tracks. but like. c!tubbo telling c!ranboo that he hates c!techno’s guts and c!techno singelhandedly traumatized him? that’s playing down everyone’s characters a little i think.

[elytrafemme]

i’ll tag all these posts with negative and discourse and stuff but sorry im having a Night. God forgive me.

i don’t know i just think about how characters who exhibit earnest symptoms of mental illness are easily whittled down into this one dimensional cute soft sensitive case where a lot of this nuance and honest to god REALNESS is sort of taken from them because people who have mental health issues aren’t allowed to be PEOPLE they just have to be their symptoms in the softest possible way to not deal a too heavy blow onto people that can’t fucking handle it for some reason 

i think about how much safer i felt talking about my mental health when i experienced conditions that are more commonly talked about (STILL STIGMATIZED HEAVILY. but more public awareness). but how i have to tread carefully. and was literally gonna make a post today talking about whether or not i think people are scared of me FOR my mental health issues. three years ago i wouldn’t have gone around asking things like that. 

i think about how people can fucking flip on you and nobody is exempt from this, people can flip on you when you go from these softer ways of expressing symptoms to when something happens, like an episode, or you drop the shield for a bit and then they’re blocking you and reporting you and shittalking you and scolding you. 

there’s no wrong way to exhibit mental health issues and this isn’t a situation that benefits anyway-- it’s not easy for people who are soft and sensitive and kind and have mental health issues because they’re treated like fucking toddlers, and it’s not easy for people with harsher behaviors because they’re treated like they fucking committed mass murder in a local Target all of it just sucks. i don’t know it’s fucking irritating it’s fucking irritating to me 

[elytrafemme]

time to go through my filtered tags list only for it to not work because my dashboard is going to be full of untagged crit and neg anyway and probably at like 6 CC neg posts too bc silly quirky idk 

[elytrafemme]

omg origins comes back the day i have to go to an endocrinologist and meet with my college counselor... #winning #takingWs #iloveithere

[elytrafemme]

wait is mr beast genuinely doing the squid game shit today lol

[elytrafemme]

something fascinating (/neg) about fics that are clearly RPF but use terms like “hybrid” and “heterochromia” “enderman” and “goat” and shit like that like. we know that this is RPF but what the fuck is hapening here hello??

DO NOT RB.