#no bc what is this agoraphobia/anxiety bullshit

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for deceiving a psychiatrist with lies to get diagnosed with a psychological disorder so i could get attendance accommodations at school where it was really nazi strict and evil forced attendance and they would fail me for not going to class EVEN THO I DID EVERYTHING TO THE TOPS?????? Sick fucks tbh. May those “educators” burn in torment💖 i wasn’t allowed to have my anxiety/agoraphobia/aversion/truancy/YOUTHFUN absences excused bc of the fasc policies in place as a standard in our christofascist bluemaga joe biden hillary fucked bernie in the ass dry clinton fake woke coopting bullshit society. so because of their nazi policy i had to find a way to get accommodation bc clearly i couldnt be in class every day in a row and needed leniency, not academo nazi policy, i was like. Fuck it let me get my papers for that accommodations letter approval. Bc like i had already been going to the counselors for stress and general social bullshit So since i wasn’t allowed to use that for accommodation i hd to make sooo many months long appointments w this far af psych and i didnt have a car and what an added stress. They were like “we dont got a car to pick you up like a normal fucking doctors place. Take the bus!” Ok die first. Next fucking help me!!! I did the meds they really sucked bc i guess i didnt need it and it was all side effects, no benefits, and i was like FUCKING DIAGNOSE ME!!! after reading the DSM5 and “practicing whats wrong w me” so that they are like . Hm yeah that sounds bad. Then IN THE END IT WAS A FUCKING PERSONALITY INVENTORY THEY USED TO ASSESS MY ILLNESS. IT WAS A BAR GRAPH. It was bullshit service in the goddamn american healthcare system and then bullshit actual healthcare bc it was fucking fake. Dumb psych couldnt even tell i wasn a liar???? DUMBASS BITCH LOSER FAGGOT CUNT SCUM. I remember how they made me wait AND CHARGED ME WHEN I MISSED AN APP BC IT WAS SO FCKN FAR AND ANOTHER BC I TOOK A NAP. CHARGING UR POOR MENTALLY ILL CUSTOMERS??? They can explode forreal💖and so can the dumb school policy bitches who couldnt just let me get my A had to be like ohhh cant accomodate u even tho u hve a 98 u are gonna fail :/ DIE ON FIRE SCREAMING YOU SCUM BITCH!!!! <-me to that professor nazi. May she be tortured. ANNMYWAY im sorry to everyone who’s gone thru academic ableism and abuse by this bullshit system!!!!! my school ended up being transphobic and zionist so i transfered anyway bc i dont want that bullshit on my titles. I’m glad i got my classes accomodated tho! I only wonder if im legally beholden to that diagnosis or if we can just be like fuck that doctor. Hm. Like i lied 😂 ffbsjfbsjfbjsnfjekfnsjs FREE ATTENDANCEE THOOOOOOOOOO it should be like that always for everyone. Kill every nazi teacher forreal. And kill teachers who dont give free B’s. Fuck your grade curve bitch. Fuck your admin. FUCK IT ALL!!!!! And i know its possible bc ive had actually good teachers. Hmmm the nazis WISH they could hide!!!

[trainwreckweather]

I want to experience life SO BADLY

[delusionland]

write-up: elsa !

-elsa is a lesbian trans woman. her family accepted her gender & helped her start a magical version of a transition---however, as she grew older, she began to fear magic & herself---and her gender presentation, like everything else she presented in her life---had to be perfect in every way.

-elsa has agoraphobia & ocd---she has compulsions to stay indoors, she also compulsively checks her thoughts & her gloves, pulls on her gloves, very much has an eating disorder, and there is, of course, her mantra---conceal, don’t feel, which she feels she HAS to say over and over again to calm herself down. she has several other self-imposed restrictions, including her clothes, her hair, her jobs as princess and then queen----elsa has no lady in waiting, and she does EVERYTHING she possibly can to run the kingdom by herself with a handful of staff members pre-frozen 1----and then dozens more post-frozen 2 in ways that make her even more anxious.

-this does not magically go away after frozen 1. in some ways, it gets a lot worse. she’s freer with her gender expression---feels comfortable wearing clothes she made herself, and of course, leaving the kingdom---with anna, her special safety person, or olaf, her secondary special safety person, always by her side. but she fidgets, more, she mumbles to herself, more, she has to find new coping methods---and she doesn’t always find them---meaning that her powers and feelings come out in big violent bursts sometimes that she can’t exactly control.

-during frozen 1, the people of arendelle honestly turn on elsa, bc her powers and the unleashing of all her anxiety & fears results in honest to god monsters in addition to the eternal winter. she doesn’t know that. she can’t help that. but it’s only through anna’s love that she’s able to calm down and help the people of arendelle---and after that, elsa’s communications with her kingdom are fracutured---even as she tries to repair it by taking on advisors, facilitating public events and better trade. her efforts always seem to fall flat. but public opinion of anna is always good---they love the little princess more than anything.

-a very real portion of arendelle would prefer her sister to take over---and they feel that way until elsa, at the end of frozen 2---is unable to save arendelle, but puts in the time & effort to rebuild a new kingdom for the arendellians & northuldans where they can live together in conjunction with nature, by using anna’s ability to talk to people---and her own abilities as a witch, no longer pretending to be more or less than she is, and understanding her own strengths have never laid in leadership---but in nature, in artistic expression, in appreciating beauty & physical building & engineering with her hands through science & nature.

-elsa still is able to recognize that she does not WANT to be queen, but takes on the position of master architect, city planner, and co-liason to the northhuldans. for the first time in her life---elsa becomes truly at peace with her place in the world, and no longer feeling trapped by a title---she can actually begin working on her anxiety---and finding love outside of her family!!!!

-elsa loves children & women & animals, but elsa has a strong distrust of men in general, for no reason other than she’s a lesbian and that’s just how we are, lol, plus the time period---men always want to marry her and own her kingdom and she’s just not For That.

-elsa can be very BOSSY and condescending, she NEEDS things a certain way and if they are not met, she can get kind of prissy & exhausting about it! a bit of an ice queen, she always takes a while to warm up to people, but when she does---you’re her whole world, and secretly has always wanted to have and to see the whole world <3

-elsa is the fucking smartest person you will ever meet in your life. she’s awkward and self-effacing and can be rude & blunt---but if you’re a sharpshooter with her and you don’t try to pull the wool over her eyes or say something fake---she’ll automatically appreciate you more, bc she can see through all the other bullshit in a heartbeat.

-very attracted to danger though, a bit of a thrillseeker. she spends so much time being anxious just about being alive---anything that exhilirates her, that makes her feel free & not confined---makes her happier than she can ever say. she likes heights, a lot, she likes pushing her powers & her body to its limit---she likes exploring new places and getting into dangerous situations. ironically, what she ACTUALLY fears is being trapped in that little room for the rest of her life, and the only one who can really free her from that is herself... but the obligation to be in that room, to feel those feelings of fear forever----it paralyzes her.

[lesbienneanarchiste]

I keep semi-mocking this therapist for saying stuff like "oh you've been suicidal for 14 years and have debilitating chronic pain that prevents you from leaving the house for weeks at a time? Try making some friends" and i would like to make it clear that when i post shit like that on here, its not really me mocking this therapist personally or even saying she's wrong. I am incredibly isolated and her suggesting that i consider thinking about ways to connect with people who live with similar conditions is 100% solid or whatever. Its just that im only gonna see this woman 4 times bc of the way my insurance is set up and, as she herself stated, my situation is incredibly specific and dependant on my disabilities in ways she is not really trained for. I'm sure she's a fine therapist at the end of the day. But also at the end of the day, she asked me multiple times "if i could, in theory, snap my fingers and all your depression and anxiety would be gone, what would be different? What would you do? Or want to do?" And frankly, very little would change except i might not cry in parking lots so much. If i were abled, a lot of my mental illness would not exist; my agoraphobia is directly linked to my disability and a lot of my other problems are pushed to extremes because of various symptoms. I would never be and never have been neurotypical. But it would be a simpler situation in my case. As it is, my mental illness bullshit is just the moldy icing on a cake made of shit and blood.

So me sitting in some strangers office, knowing she is not really prepared to dive into my bullshit and that i will only see her 4 times total, having her say "wow, that sounds hard to deal with" and yet not giving me any actual advice however vague beyond "think about making some friends"? Isnt really helpful at all and if i dont mock it i will spiral.

[numbertwohero]

anyway i'm gonna take a break from tumblr and possibly vent for a while bc my mental health is in the toilet and i need to focus on irl stuff like a career change and possibly moving?? idr if readmores work on mobile but if they do then explanation under the cut it's just me rambling on though don't worry about it if you don't feel like reading it

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it's complicated bc he could potentially get fired at any moment so he thinks it's better to quit but he doesn't wanna quit bc there's a big inspection coming up and he doesn't wanna leave his coworkers there bc he's leading it and knows all the protocols or whatever and i'm just like. my job doesn't matter bc i have a lot of trouble holding down a job bc of my mental illness cocktail that's just. abuse + neglect from a young age + depression and anxiety as a result + neurodivergencies + bullying so severe i was made to feel inhuman + traumatic event from after i moved here and the resulting ptsd from that happening + agoraphobia from all that bullshit = not able to maintain relationships, not being able to trust anyone, panic attacks all the time = getting fired for being batshit crazy. plus i just work retail so it's not like it's a rare opportunity to like. sell clothes at a random store

and then there's the apartment which is a shithole BUT it's less than half as much as every other apartment in the area and who knows if any place else will be as cheap. esp since my soon-to-be step sister will graduate soon(?) and i don't want her to feel pressured to pay rent or anything since she might decide to stay w me if she picks a nearby college (there's like a hundred colleges where i live. the one nearest to my house is where i go to play pkmngo all the time)

but we're both spiritual and we both believe we're seeing signs telling us to move on to a different place

but also there are two places here where i can switch to costume design and get experience in that so i'm :/ bc i don't wanna leave that behind but at the same time there could be playhouses wherever we end up so????? i'm just big nervous about what's going on but i feel like change is needed so. whatever happens i just need to focus on that rn