#no matter what you have planned today
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exam 4 for me today
and i've had Eclipse on the mind so here he is to cheer you on today!
#fnaf eclipse#fnaf dca#dca fandom#crab art#traditional art#bright colours#the sweet baby boi himself has arrived to cheer you on!#no matter what you have planned today#know that it will all be okay#wish me luck!#wishing you all luck!#and a faz-eriffic day!
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back to you by flower face (reupload)
#yellowjackets#jackieshauna#mitos incredible life#mine art tag#hope it STAYS this time goood#anyways. I still think the allie part is funny sue me#when i was like 'omg im gonna edit the whole album' it was party bc I knew back to you was in there and I was like 'that song is#SO jackieshauna that it doesnt even matter if all the other songs arent'#dont know anymore bc it was so long ago and im not very far with the whole. js: tsiyw - n thing#(im at maybe bc today familys here bc easter)#if somebody wants a specific song edited to them hmu btw#i do have like. many ideas (for jackieshauna at least 6 from what I remember‚ 1 lottienat n general yj some)#and thats just the like sorta planned out ones. So Idk if I will ever like edit more but PROBABLY bc im nothing if not. other ppl#(sincerly hope that doesnt make sense)#jackieshauna: The Shark In Your Water
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#ok i will say smth abt it bc im a little pissed hehe#and verito is not answering my texts so now u all have to hear it#im not self absorbed enough to believe i know what's best for phoebe or if she planned it or not or whatever#the way she announced it seems she's pretty excited so good for her#but honestly some of the takes i've seen on here...#people in their middle/late 20s calling this 19 year old girl an idiot#saying that she must not know the difference between her vagina and her urethra#that louis must be soo disappointed and that he didn't pay and expensive school for her to get pregnant (????????)#do u guys hear yourselves what the actual fuck#ofc teen pregnancy is an issue worldwide but is this really the hill you're gonna die on?? that it's all the girl's fault bc she's stupid??#u sound like a 50 yo congressman wtf is the actual matter with you#people i've seen joking about how long until her bf leaves her...#i literally encourage u to seek help it is not normal to lack empathy in this way and to be so cruel to a person who has#literally done nothing to you#also louis can pay for whatever school he likes he still doesn't have the right to decide over his little sister's body?? do u guys#hear yourselves be so real with me rn#also how do u even know he's upset??#tfw some of u think u know louis.. it's insane#i literally am in shock at some of the things i had to read today#i really hope you are not in any field where people come to you for help#especially girls especially young girls#you guys are insane lmao#that's all <33#shut up laura
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Me vs outlining a perfect plan for my day in my head which I can be the only one allowed to change the schedule vs my mom asking me to do 2 simple tasks
#she was like hey can you take the trash out I was like ughhhh okay yeah give me a min (I was still ordering weed)#my mom less than a minute later : hey if you want to break down all the cardboard out there I’d appreciate it Me: actually I’d rather not I#was about to shower right after I put this weed order in#then she gets all pissed at me bc I never do what she asks and blah blah blah blah blah#like. girl. I know she can’t see in my brain but I was not awake last night watching cleaning videos and psyching myself up for a day full#of cleaning my room and showering and doing laundry and cleaning funks cage and doobs cage and making my bed and dusting my ceiling fan and#taking apart my box fan to clean it and cleaning the water pitcher in the fridge and deep cleaning#like GAH I HAVE SO MANY PLANS TODAY WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DO NOTHING AND JUST SIT ON MY ASS SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP#ripping my hair out and screaming banging my fists on the floor#I literally was like yeah I’ll take the trash out no I will not break down boxes right now and she went off on a whole fucking thing like#just shut up.#I hate it. why do I make plans in my head of the exact order I have to do things and if one person suggest doing anything differently or#pushing my schedule back further than I wanted to myself I get so annoyed I explode into a ball of flames#I wanted to shower dry off pick up weed let out funk refill the humidifier clean the bathroom mirrors throw sort and clean the bathroom#shelves sweep start a load of laundry clean off my desk which means cleaning and organizing my closet or my desk dresser thing to fit the#crap on my desk and I have to clean and reorganize the space next to my desk so I can fit my boombox there bc the humidifier took its place#next to funk and like I want to just cry why does everything have to be so fucking difficult for me why is everything simple for everyone#else and for me every simple task is composed of one million baby tasks that I have to do in the correct order forever or everyone around m#will think I’m stupid and dumb forever like WHAT THE HELL WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST DO THING#IN WHATEVER ORDER AND IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT DO YOU MEAN A 20 MINUTE SETBACK DOESNT COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR DAY#AHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT#BUT INSTEAD. I WILL GO TAKE THE TRASH OUT. AND NOT BREAK DOWN THE CARDBOARD BC THAT MEANS GETTING MY KNIFE AND MY HEADPHONES AND PUTTING MO#CLOTHES ON WHICH IS COUNTERINTUITIVE#TO THE WHOLE ABOUT TO TAKE A SHOWER THING#UGHHHHHHH#I am the worst human on the planet and I deserve infinite suffering#fuck this whole thing I’m pissed I’m gonna listen to music and rage clean after I pick up weed and shower
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If this doesn't end Very soon I'll have to ask my professor to register my thesis in April rather than March because i don't think I can do this in the remaining 2 weeks in this state ahahaha
#I'm genuinely about to cry#also i don't dare to take my adhd meds which may be another factor that makes it difficult for me to work these days#I'll have to cancel that doctor's appointment tomorrow if i still feel like dying lmao#god I'm so done#i actually felt okay this morning#had a bit of vegetable broth and bland toast and feel like that was a mistake#but also#if i don't consume any kind of sustenance i will faint ♡ and i need to be able to at least sit up a little#as opposed to lying flat#I'm so mad#also not my mom being sad she probably won't be able to make the cake and great food she had planned for my birthday#sorry but you can still make that#and honestly if this isn't over by sunday i will literally throw myself into the sun#anyway#let's get this bitch of a thesis to 20 pages today (currently at roughly 10 ahahaha#with at least one page needing to be cut because i just repeated everything i already said#but theory part needs to be done today#I'm tired of this not going anywhere#literally my whole future depends on this getting done before march 31 ㅠㅠ#i know i keep saying i won't go to korea no matter what but damn I still want the opportunity :(#shut up amy#academic misery
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why is there a twenty marker analysing empirical evidence of game theory on this saturday exam
#t-minus three hours this is the one im MOST unprepared for so somehow it's gonna go worse than all the others#and idk if my mental state can handle that bc ive been working stupidly hard since DECEMBER every single fucking day#just to this week fail three exams consecutively going on a fourth today#like a twenty marker on pure essay-style waffle would usually be a DREAM for me#bc it's literally my coursemates' worst nightmare bc they're all maths-brained and cant form a sentence to save their life#so this is literally the first time in two years that english is gonna help me out with my degree#but we've NEVER done an essay-style question in game theory before or ANY of my modules for that matter#and he hasn't given us any practise questions so we literally have no idea what to expect#like i have no fucking clue what im doing#im so mad at everything rn like im just so ANGRY and i know after today im gonna be forced to acknowledge#that that anger cant go anywhere so it's just gonna turn into one very burnt-out exhausted self-loathing breakdown#im guessing that's gonna hit tonight at some point <3 weekend plans!#BUT STILL AFTER TODAY IM FINISHED#EXAM SEASON YOU HAVE BEEN HELLISH TRULY MY WORST ONE YET#hella goes to uni
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#I keep having these low-key frustrating conversations with people I respect about anti-trans laws#one of my favorite profs was asking me the other day what I want to do after my degree#and I mentioned that I might leave geology bc while I like my work and think it's useful#there are problems in the world that are way more pressing than [natural hazard] in [location] and matter more to me#also that it's kind of a bummer/difficult to plan for a long term future here#when I don't know what laws will look like here in just a few years from now...#I live in a pretty safe state but I'm worried about national laws#like to be clear I think a 'need to flee the country immediately' kind of situation is a long long long way from where we are now#but not so unlikely that I can readily put down the daymares about it#anyway I say this to the prof#and he says 'where will you go??'#and like I get what he meant and it's not a bad question exactly but that phrasing sure makes things sound globally hopeless#like 'if you need to leave where would you prefer to go?' would have been so much better...#and then today my advisor asked how my 2024 is going so far and I said that as of this morning#280 state level anti-trans bills had been filed and 38 national ones#and her response was 'why haven't I seen it in the news?'#how tf am I supposed to respond to that?? do I look like the fucking new york times to you????#first I was like 'there are people covering it like I could send links'#and she was like 'I'm not talking about whether I go looking for something... I meant why haven't I seen it In The News'#I ended up saying something about how similar bills are filed in many states so it would get repetitive on npr etc.#and how often do state level bills make it to the national news anyways?#and then I said that even here there had been one filed though I don't expect it will be passed#and she was like 'oh yeah I saw that one in the news'#and I'm like '?????????' so you DO see it in the news hmmmm?#and while I agree with the point that more national coverage would be good part of me still wonders#would she even notice if more of those headlines passed through her universe?#anyway to be clear these are both good people that I like a lot#something is just a little off and maybe it's that they don't quite get it#or that my sleep schedule went to hell in a handbasket so things bug me that normally wouldn't#or both
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I can’t stand when ppl plan walkouts or strikes on a whim and then use ppl not doing them as an excuse to either say walkouts don’t work or ppl don’t practice what they preach 😭😭😭 like these things take YEARS of planning and rely on community first and foremost; if you don’t have finances or shelter or even basic emotional support in place for those you want to participate you need to take it back to the drawing board bc u don’t even got step one ready 💀
And to be clear this is no hate to anyone participating; hate to ppl mad about ppl who aren’t tho
#bc why are ppl saying they’re gonna strike September first of this year#and it’s a bunch of ppl in them comments going ‘if u don’t join us ur basically against us’#like no the ability to say that you can drop everything and protest NEXT MONTH is a privilege that the majority of ppl ur protesting for-#-cannot afford.#and listen I love strikes I’m very much of the idea everyone should quit everything today#but I’m also like. living in reality.#And the truth of the matter is that not everyone has the privilege to align themselves with their politics in such a drastic way#and the first thing you have to do when getting the gears of revolution in motion is to make sure ur community is TAKEN CARE OF#what’s the quote about the ppl making the bread? ykwim#I don’t need to hear what u think abt ppl not joining if ur not offering up ur own food and house to them#OH AND this is the problem with basing ur strike off the success of another without seeing the work involved#it reminds me of everyon idolizing the mothers strike without seeing the decades of planning and community aid that went with it#so when they tried the same and it flopped instead of ‘we were disorganized’ they got ‘strikes don’t work’#yall piss me off omg 💀#not everything is stonewall#that was on a whim and it WORKED#but there were also decades of PLANNED protests that contributed to where we are now#or we should be now considering recent fucking events#this entire thing where y’all think revolution will happen in a split second needs to go#the mindset that someone will let out a battle cry and rally everyone needs to go NOW#you need to be meticulous and careful when it comes to this shit#there are changes you could begin setting in motion that you might not even see the results of in ur lifetime#and that sucks to grapple with but it’s what you need to accept in order to move forward in a way that’s helpful#like fuck man#and it’d be one thing if it were teenagers yknow? like if it were mainly kids and teens who just fully realized how fucked up the world is#and they wanted to do something NOW and fumbled a bit#that’s one thing#but when it’s like. grown ass adults with platforms spreading these ideas and mindsets?#that’s a problem to me#YOU need to do better so THEY can do better
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hard to play dragon age with a new character bc im just completely head over heels in love with my warden. I think about them and im like yep this is it, let’s pack it up and go home
#dragon age#followed people for cousland talk today which made me want to play a cousland#I want to make different choices!! I want to see parts of the game I haven’t seen before!! also the human noble origin is my second favorite#I just find the story so SAD. everyone you knew and lived has been killed and you’re conscripted into the wardens whether you like it or not#you can spend the whole origin saying you want to be in the wardens and you can get your wish in the worst way possible#or you can spend the whole time saying you’d rather stay home and be forced to join them against your will#and now your family’s dead so what do you have left!! nothing. you were betrayed by your father’s friend and for what??#power? land? jealousy? how much does any of that matter in the face of a BLIGHT?? i just like it#all of the origins are fantastic stories but ive thought a lot about this one for someone without a cousland warden#aaaanyway trying to decide what my new guy will do with his life. I like to have a plan. I love this game#also trying NOT to make him similar to my main warden cause I want things to be DIFFERENT!! let him make bad choices it’s fine
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why does every phone call with my parents make me want to kms
#dad is going to kerala#that doesn't matter to me#but my mom planned on going too#she was counting on me to come home for the weekend so that me and my brother can stay home while they go to kerala because we're both busy#but my midsems start from the monday after the weekend#so not possible#so she can't go to kerala#and then they told me my dad is buying a new laptop#my mom told me that we're just telling you because we know you've been wanting to a buy a new one but like your dad really needs this one#it was a perfectly reasonable excuse or whatever#they said if you still want a new one you could use this new one after he gets his old one back#trying so hard not to have a breakdown right now#just yesterday we had a full fledged fight#and today they're telling me all this#so many minor changes what the fuck#and i'm so worried
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i hate spending money i hate how it makes me feel even if there’s no rational reason for it i hate the guilt and the burden and the anxiety and the fear and the pressure and t
#i've been planning to buy an ipad for ltierally years now to upgrade my drawing setup from idk 2014#i did it today but fuck i hate how it makes me feel to buy things that cost a lot of money y#i have to make decisions and be responsible for them and i never make good decisions my track record on that is absolutely terrible#i always make the wrong ones and i feel guilty always no matter what i do#so it's so much easier to just? not do anything and stay stagnant but then again i can't possibly want that in the long run#bc not accomplishing or doing anything only mkaes me wanna die more#this is even if it's not my money or probably even more if it's someone elses bc this is my parents' gift to me but sfsvdfvjds i want to cry#they bought me one few christmases ago but i returned it bc it was just too much and ic ouldn't deal with it#why is it so difficult for me i cannot receive things#i'm buying all the accessories etc but like that's difficult for me as well#bc even if now i can comfortable afford this thing what if i can't in the future what if i need that money in the future#i've tried thinking this as a combined christmas birthday etc gift from my parents and my own gift for myself for getting my bachelors#but. yeah#i know how this sounds like if someone said this to me itd be reasonable to be like stfu youre getting an ipad what are you crying about#i know this is incredibly privileged whining about nothing but this aversion to gifts and spenidng money is just something that#bothers me about myself bc it's an example of whats wrong with me#i cannot imagine being a person who loves receiving and giving physical gifts how do you live with the implications of those#gifts are nice!!! but they're also a Lot for me#anyway waiting for the say i won't be on the edge for literally no reason <3333#shit talking
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I am FUMING
#i know i am almost always funing#this is why i pay my therapist#but i have to let this out#my cousin is super important to me and tomorrow is my birthday#and like since it's during the week i am going home and celebraring in the city only on saturdsy#so i planned a few things like karaoke and going out in this bar area that's not too expensive bc i do not have money#so yeah i told everyone and said today we could go for a few beers until midnight just to spend midnight#and he was all like i will spend 30min tops with you on the 18th but will not go out whatsoever on saturday#and i was like wtf??? 1st why this tone second you could just come spend some time at my house or something like that#bc we are having dinner at my place (me and the rest of the people) and he said absolutely not#and mind you i KNOW WHY it's bc he and a couple i invited have some kind of beef i don't understand it's just gay drama you know it#but like we hang out almost every week and it has only become a problem bc last saturday they fought around him? idk man gay drama again#it's stupid okay i don't wanna go into detail bc this is not my business and frankly not really his either#so anyway he starts stating in the gc how many financial stuff he has this month and wtv and just idk being mean to me bc i invited him+#+ to my birthday which ofc i would bc i love him dearly#and i'm like wth and i told him it's no problem i know you have a lot on your plate but like you don't have to come to a club etc#you can just come hang out and not spend any money and if you want i can get you a drink what matters to me is you're there#anyway a bunch of excuses later of i don't like nighclubs or going out partying anymore i don't have money etc#and guess what... he went partying last weekend in one of the most expensive clubs in the country#and like i would be finr eith it IF YOU DIDN'T TELL ME all these excuses#and now i was talking in the gc about next saturday and he kinda mentioned he was coming which???? ehat the fuck#i am srsly going insane i do not need this#it feels like fucking high school
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i can’t end the year and start a new one without coming back to tumblr so hello!!!! i’m back finally 😭😭 i’ve missed everyone so much!!!!
going to be limiting my time here but being away completely has been so strange. like i don’t really feel like i need to be here anymore the way i used to but also i do miss it. i talked to my psychologist about how i was taking time away from here and she said i don’t have to cut it out completely either so that is validating lol
anyway i wish i could say i have my life together now and i’m doing great but it has still been very difficult to like get myself to take like good care of myself, but being away from tumblr for even longer isn’t exactly going to help that so... but i have a couch now! and i’m mostly unpacked and organised, there’s still stuff i need to get from my parent’s house but i have a lot less stuff in boxes now lol
#waving at you all and jumping up and down :3#i have no plans for nye so being back here makes me feel better about that too 🙃#i'm too tired anyway and i have work tomorrow so it doesn't really matter but being back is right#2022#also hrt update as of today i have noticed that i have hair growing out of my chin andneck too possibly#i plucked the neck one coz it was only one but the chin stuff i'm not sure what i'll do with#like it's not super noticeable but i don't really want it there? but i don't think it's worthit to shave it? idk!!#i was gonna tag some people to say hello but now i feel self conscious so yeah but hello!!!!!!#pinned
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ok everyone we have a year-ish let's manifest my move and successful acceptance into a residency program together
#woke up today feeling . over it again which is prob good i need to get motivated to kick the school year's butt#and also start figuring out what's realistic so i can plan and save money and all that#so i started looking into hospitals that offer new grad programs and have a better idea of timelines and places that i'd qualify for w adn#and i think i can move without having a position set and i have some options for like . what i can do before i have my bsn complete#tbh this was spurred in part by not being at k/con and in part seeing something that confirmed i don't need to be in ny anymore again#like the fact of the matter is i need to be near friends that love me and also trader joe's. KDBSJHGB#anyways posting bc we ARE collectively manifesting and u know i'll keep you all updated every step of the way 🫂#erithoughts
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*learning about marketing and business*
oh so this is where the social and life manual i've been missing my entire life at ?????
#my life changed once i understood that depending on what i accentuate and highlight with my worfs#words*#it's how people are going to see it#doesn't matter if you're lying or not#making the Impression#and like it could be the most shit thing in the world but if you know how to say it so it makes an impression - you're set#literally been using this when canceling plans#ive said just yesterday:#unfortunately im not free today! gotta catch up with my work and being with you feels like another world and i lose focus on things that#are important to this world </3#i couldve just said 'sorry i have lots of work to do'#which would be enough if it was said to me BUT it doesn't carry any Impression#; words generated by me#actually autistic
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almost four months out from ending a ten year long friendship / three year long relationship. seven years of saying we’d live together our whole lives and planning the house we’d move into together. where we’d build our life together. and that life isn’t going to exist now. and it sucks. and it hurts. but i am doing better now than i have in years. and its bittersweet because of that pain. but its still good. i have people in my life who love me. i have family, and friends, and a boyfriend i love so much it makes me feel crazy. and i’m about to move across the country and get a chance for as fresh of a start as i could ask for. anyone who’s hurting or hopeless or heartbroken i want you to know things do get better. you do get over it. you do keep on living. you find people and things that make you happy and you move on. you’ve got better things coming for you ❤️
#i am stupid in love and i was thinking today#like what if that guy was it for me yknow? what if he was my soul mate what if the fact we were together so long means we were meant to be#together forever and ive made a terrible mistake and i should have tried harder#but yknow what?#1) he never tried for me. it was always me reaching out to fix things no matter who’s ‘fault’ an issue was. and i dont want to do that for#the rest of my life.#and 2) so what! i was not happy with him. i was miserable to the point of sucidality while i was with him. if that’s my soulmate then i dont#want one!#and of course getting him out of my life hasn’t fixed everything.#i am still depressed sometimes.#but a year ago i was having daily anxiety attacks and physically self harming and making plans to kill myself#now the last time i had an anxiety attack was about a week ago. and i cant remember the one before that#ive been suicidal once that i can remember in the past two weeks and i had no plan and took no action toward it.#just last a few hours until i calmed down and ive been fine since.#its. really incredible.#how good for me cutting him out was. even if it made me miserable for awhile#i dont think i’ll be ‘over’ him for a long time. but i am at the very least able to say with certainty its a good thing hes out of my life#sorry for being cringe anyway. goodnight i love you
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