#nobody touch me im unstable

[foibles-fables]

talanah: the case of the omitted hfw companion

soooo @meg-noel-art and I have finally connected the dots we haven't connected shit re: Talanah's conspicuously short and choppy quest line, along with her overall unsatisfying departure from the game (in lieu of joining the base team). We now hold with 99.9999% confidence that Talanah was fully intended to be included a member of the base, either with a different ending to her quest line, or a different quest line altogether.

As we all know, the early (earliest!!!) promo--the GG Instagram splash posted in tandem with the 2020 HFW Announcement trailer--featured her in exclusivity as a returning character. While this official promo art has since been retconned, it still appears on the inside of the steelbook case with the special preorder additions, as well as on a bunch of GG's official ad material (the Twitch stream header, for example). Her comic was also being released at the same time as all of these dealings, culminating in one final confirmatory line: Talanah's story will continue in Horizon Forbidden West.

Now. I won't get into how I do or do not view any of the returning characters' stories as...real or satisfying continuations in HFW. But it's pretty objective to say that Talanah's was decidedly Not. Without even diving once again into the characterization issues (of which there are plentymorethanseveral), both of her quests give us nothing more than a recap of the comic. Seriously, every dialogue wheel we get with her and with Amadis provides a summary of what happened in The Sunhawk. Nothing new learned, no growth made. Story Not Continued, Same Story Rehashed. It's conspicuously not what we were promised, and not what (IMO) GG knew the fans wanted. I think that's pretty clear, regardless of your view on anything related to her character.

So, what the hell happened? Why was this the product were were given?

Easy: it wasn't at all the product that was intended in early baseline development.

There's a pretty glaring complication re: Talanah's integration into HFW--Freya Parker (her hilarious and lovely VA, seriously go check her out) began shooting Jurassic World: Dominion in February/March 2020. And uhhh we all know what was going on right around then, lmao. So not only does this become a scheduling issue, but a quarantine issue as well. Actor travel during projects was likely a huge ordeal, and Freya's actual studio time was probably vastly limited. Combine these challenges with an already-bloated cast load, and...it becomes pretty obvious which character needed to have their role diminished by degrees. Freya can't get to the studio and dedicate much time--we don't get a Carja base member.

One can pick up hints of this around the base. How almost every character (even new bloods Zo and Kotallo) bring her up at length in the "Companions" speech option, even if they're never mocapped in the same room. The item left at the base, when no other non-members get that treatment. How every single thing about her quest's epilogue and beyond reads like a huge "sorry sorry sorry we're sorry" from the devs ("until next time," "I wish she could have stayed," etc.). It's a consolation for what they had intended--fuller tribal representation, balance among the new and old cast members, a true continuation of Talanah's story.

So what does this mean? Well, yeah, it means that I'm still disappointed and that it's still okay to be disappointed. But having a more rational explanation beyond "this was probably the plan the whole time :))))) she's really not THAT important after all just accept your dinner :)))) oh look the writers forgot about her :))))) i ordered you a new clown nose :)))))" makes me feel a whole lot more optimistic for her potentially having a bigger comeback role in HZ3. We must stay focused, brothers. Shoutout Freya Parker.

[yasashiiku]

you know u have to tell me about them

There's something about the oddness of their interactions that make these two my absolute favorite duo, oh one of them beat the shit out of the other in their first meeting? some house fire involved? the way Ritsu doesn't question things twice when Shou gets him on his side, it's so insane in a way, insane in the "teenager with a life worth of trauma baggage" way, and I'm living for it. They just clicked, understood each other, made such a great team and what they've achieved is so impressive considering how young they are, how difficult it all was.

Shou is just so relieved to not only have someone he could connect with- but also rely upon? It's always been so rare in his world to meet someone who would be willing to have his back and carry the weight with him, and it's especially different from those who were simply ordered to. Ritsu believed in Shou wholeheartedly, and that meant the world to him, it meant so much i cant express this ENOUGH. That's his friend that's HIS PERSON and Shou is so happy to have met him???? Ritsu is such an intelligent and resourceful boy, he is also so loyal and sincere towards those he cares about, and Shou actually admires him a lot for these things, he takes pride in calling Ritsu his friend!

I believe they're both not so good at this whole friendship thing, with Ritsu being his reserved self and Shou finally having time for friends in his life, but they're trying and it's so nice and heartwarming to see how they help each heal and truly live, they deserve to have fun and be silly and get free from all the shakles of fear and pain that came with psychic powers being in their lives.

[hellfireconfessions]

since everyone is confessing their stories and their experience on hellfire, after abit of messing around and laughing at the sheer stupidity of some of these groomers im gonna tell EVERYONE what only a very very small handful of hellfire knows about.

Enviosa, as alot of older members know me and her 'dated' for a little bit, this relationship lasted around 6 months and some people found our relationship cute and super loving which was infact not what was happening, at first i thought it was love at first meet and her seemed to naturally keep finding eachother in game and eventually became friends and now that i look back on it i just feel like i was preyed upon and targeted. i was and am a VERY mentally unstable person i struggle with a multitude of mental disorders and i will admit i was at my lowest point when i met enviosa. at first she gave me all the attention and love i had always craved as a love deprived kid i grew up in a very troubled household and the only way i could ever receive any sort of 'validation' was simply me being groomed by older men online, and of course history repeats itself.

enviosa love bombed me completely trapping me, at first i thought we were simply affectionate friends giving eachother the attention and love we both wanted and needed but i quickly learned i was being stringed along into a very serious relationship being completely wrapped around her finger i did whatever she wanted i did whatever i could to please her and keep her i will admit, my behaviors were toxic but i was extremely mentally troubled 14 yr old and im expected to be the perfect lover? she was 17 going onto 18 she knew the maturity difference she knew what she was doing there is no excuse.

with my toxic traits came extreme jealousy that i still struggle with, i would begin to get to angry my vision would quite literally go white from pure jealousy i remember physically puking from it causing me to lash out at my friends by distancing myself from everyone i knew, i was no longer a member of hellfire i was entirely dedicated to enviosa and her needs and wants and she js happened to play on hellfire.

whenever my jealousy would get bad and i would send her sad paragraphs about how i was feeling actively communicating in a healthy manner instead of trying to help me and find solutions and listen to me i was simply guilt tripped and basically told i was "wrong" and would end up with me apologising for communicating how i felt.

when some close friends found out about our age gap i began to lie and tell people i was 15 turning 16 and it turns out enviosa was already telling people i was 15 turning 16 before i even started doing it, we had literaly conversations about how she wouldnt be able to "touch me for a couple years" once she turned 18 and mentioned "well you consent to everything i say and do" im legally UNABLE to consent? hello?

lets not forget reese, me and envi were having a rough patch (again) and she was either actively STREAMING our conversation to HER FRIENDS a very PRIVATE conversation which was once again about my horrible issues with jealousy and in the midst of believing i was about to lose the 'love of my life' i began to receive very hateful and genuinely horrible dms from reese + another person i will not name. i will be honest and admit enviosa manipulated all three of us making me out to be some monster so i do not entirely blame their actions but they are still accountable for what they said and did.

i would LOVE to also mention how obsessive she was with me communicating how i always had to communicate how i felt and what was making me feel like that ect ect but they would NEVER EVER communicate how they felt till it was the breaking point and would get mad at me cuz she needed space and to js leave her alone perhaps tell me? just mayybbee tell me instead of using INGAME BODY LANGUAGE to tell u how u feel LMAO, in the end of our relationship they began to just treat me like i was nobody the affection was suddenly gone and she was super dry with me i would write literally PARAGRAPHS abt how i feel like our relationship is dying and i feel like u dont care abt me anymore and wanna know what i was met with?? "ok lol…well i do so idk what u want me to do??" she couldnt make time to atleast tell me shes busy or lmk like "hey im gonna be doing this" and would js bascially make me feel bad for missing her.

!!!MASSIVE TW!!! At the end of it all she was super sudden and said i would never listen to her when she voiced her concerns, she was complaining abt things i had done the ENTIRE relationship so i didnt fully understand why and would often forget these things that bugged her and i will admit, it was toxic on my part. she had me begging and begging since it was just a "break" and not an actual break up and she practically led me on as i would ask her if there was still a chance and all i got was "idk" then claimed she didnt wanna say yes cuz she didnt wanna give me false hope as if a idk isnt giving me false hope? after i met my current best friend who was previously wrapped around her finger like reese and i were, she helped me come to the realization that SHE was the problem and not me being and it sent me into a rage, being an angry teen i sent her a longg text abt how this was all her fault and a lot of not so nice things

which i understand wasnt very mature and was toxic but i was once again guilt tripped as she threatened me with her death, saying "ill have to go clean up the blood" which sent me into a spiral i begged her so much to get help and not to do that, "heh i guess its my fault :]" type shi, im still unsure if she was lying or not but if she was actually trying to end her own life i regret trying to help her and i know wishing death upon someone is horrible but she has traumatized me in numerous ways and put me into one of the LOWESTS points in my life.

but thats my hellfire story, i know many people within hellfire didnt enjoy me and thought i was rude ect ect but to those that were my actual friends and to my one freind (my pookie) thank you for making hellfire enjoyable while it lasted.

DISCLAIMER i was toxic, i know i was i wasnt entirely in the right but i was and still am just a kid. reese isnt entirely to blame in that situation it was horrible what they said but again they were lied to.

.

[postapocalypticcatbrat]

system stuff is really difficult if you're the hated and dangerous one.

my entire system (besides Apocalypse and two others) hates me. I'm almost certain a friend of ours hates me too. I've done harmful things to my headmates, to the body, to our friend. I've done those things both in and out of a sane state of mind. I've apologized for the accidentally times, yet I'm never believed. I'm called a monster by my system, awful and stupid by that friend, told to go away by both. i hate it.

I'm terrified to tell our friend that one time i was in psychosis when I hurt them. they'll think I'm lying or trying to excuse my actions when I'm not, or i firmly believe that's how it will play out. I'm scared from how my system treated me from that, only one decided hurting me and forcing me to be isolated wasn't going to help. last time it didn't help, it just made everything so much worse.

I'm called an outlier in how i act. my system calls me a persecutor since I've done things to hurt them. since I've talked about wanting to hurt others. i have awful violent urges that swing to suicidal urges due to paranoia and delusions (well, i think that's what it was). i know i lose touch with reality. and i have like, no empathy. our friend is a similar way, yet why does it seem I'm not allowed to be the way i am.

our friend traumatized me on accident, i know i forgive them. it wasn't their fault, it was uncontrollable. yet i feel like they'll never forgive me for things I've done. the times I've hurt them, i wasn't quite in the right mind. but times I've hurt my system, many of those were on purpose.

i attacked someone in my system with a knife one time, i hate them alot. everyone knows i hate that part, even our friend. that friend learned i attacked that part. I'm convinced the friend prefers that part over everyone else. our friend made a joke about me hating that part today, saying being called that name was like a slur to me. something felt off when they said that. I'm worried they resent how i basically took over that parts life.

they act like I'm a parasite, they do things to get me to leave, to get others to front and talk. they managed to get me to leave for a bit over a week, apocalypse said it had to deal with worse dissociation than normal.

a little headmate of mine said "this is why nobody likes you" after I felt like our friend hated me, and it caused me to spiral to this. i hope they never find this post. they know as a cocky bastard so i doubt they'll recognize me with how unwell this has been. unless they recognize the mentions of apocalypse. well fuck i hope this never crosses them.

i think i lost the plot a bit in this but i don't care, I've been too unstable today to care. at least yesterday was fun. i got to see a friend from college. she's graduating and I'm going to her grad party too. im also safe even though i mentioned some bad things.

[voidselfshipp]

Too Sweet

Cw:mentions of blood,implications of Gore,slaughter, war, mania attacks + ptsd flashbacks.

Summary: during one of their sieges, The Mechanisms split off to take care of the occupying forces of King Cole's army. One of them gets too close to Jerico and Tim sees red.

>no rbs, please.

Adrenaline surged through tims body as he laid there hands dripping with blood, a soldier dead before him.

His body shakes a manic grin on his face as he looks at the bloody corpse, laugh starting to echo from his throat. The world around him is a blurr,his eyes are wide and his pupils are small dots in his gorgeous brown iris.

With shaking hands, he lets go of his victims throat-- I told you not to touch her--He muttered with a shaky unstable voice,laughter soon leaves him.

"Thats- thats what he gets- thats what they get for- for touching her! Haha! Nobody touches my- My girlf- my friend" he thinks, slowly straightening up from his half bowed position.

--Hah-- He scoffs, smoothing his beautiful brown curly hair with his bloodstained hand-- hah, wanker...you really thought...you could hurt her

Around him the world is Fire,burning and crumbling buildings, dead bodies all around, vehicles no more than scrap and black smoke clouds rising from the pyres up to the Sky

The Mechanisms had come here to fight against an occupying force, one of the soldiers tried to stab Jerico in the neck...and Tim saw red and ripped the soldier appart with hands and teeth.

--Tim...--calls out jerico,lowering her sniper rifle. She grabs one of his hands Gently,it smothers with blood-- Tim im okay

He turns to her,eyes still wide and fingers twitching-- Doll....doll-- he throws himself at her,cupping her cheeks and looking for any scratches--Are you okay? Are you hurt? Do- do I need to call Marius?! Please tell me youre okay- i cant- I cant lose you,I cant lose you like bertie...!

She takes his wrists and says--Tim, Tim its okay im okay,im safe

Tims eyes look around her face and body,his hands pressing against her waist,her shoulders and her hips,staining her clothes with crimson sploches.

--Its okay,im not hurt,you saved me--She cooed, bringing Him in for a tight hug. His forehead falls limply on her shoulder as she strokes up and down his spine.

A shaky breath leaves him, his twitching hands unsure where to rest. Even when he tries he accidentally tugs at her clothes,gasping for air.

--I cant lose you,I cant lose you-- He whispers,tears threatening to spill-- dont die- please dont die...dont die on me I cant-- with a quivering Lower lip-- I cant- I love you so much, please dont leave me...dont leave me forever

His words take her by surprise,she squeezes him into a tight hug and his hands finally settle on her Lower back--I cant live without you--He mutters, hot tears falling down his face and onto the exposed shoulder of his companion.

--Easy,Tim. You saved me, see? 'M okay-- she promised-- see? Im alright --He nodds weakly-- c'mon lets go back to the ship

Trying to tug him along, he stops her by not moving and squeezing her. Shes quick go get the memo and nodds.

--Oooooor we can stay a little longer, thats alright too--She added, understanding he needs more time.

Both stand there among the rubble of the crumbling,blazen And charcoal blackened city. Civilian,soldier and resistance laid dead across the floor with blood and ash mixed into a paste of death, they only Hear the distant Shouts of the ongoing battle,the crackling of the pyres anf the ocassional crumble of debries.

Tim can only concentrate on that orchestra of destruction and Demise,the images of Berties death passing through his head over and over again. Its vivid,its Like hes there again holding his best friend in his arms.

--It can't be said I'm an early bird--She sings softly--It's ten o'clock before I say a word

Baby, I can never tell

How do you sleep so well

It catches tims attention, slowly bringing him back to earth,to present time,to safety.

--You keep tellin' me to live right

To go to bed before the daylight

But then you wake up for the sunrise

You know you don't gotta pretend

Baby, now and then-- jerico puts her hands on his biceps and rocks Him side to side softly.

Silken voice fills his ears and eases his heart and mind,it wraps around his soul like a blanket.

--Don't you just wanna wake up, dark as a lake

Smellin' like a bonfire, lost in a haze?-- she continues and he slowly humms along--

If you're drunk on life, babe, I think it's great

But while in this world

A shaky sigh leaves him,his body relaxing and laying on her for support-- I think I'll take my whiskey neat

My coffee black and my bed at three-- both entone,tims voice slowly gaining more strength---

You're too sweet for me

You're too sweet for me

I take my whiskey neat

My coffee black and my bed at three

She smiles and he joins In with those side to side movements. One hand on her waist and the other holding hers,fingers entwined as if both were dancing.

--You're too sweet for me

You're too sweet for me-- He sings at her, as if he didnt deserve this softness.

He pulls her to waltz,turning slowly. Tim hasnt moved his head and he'd rather not, he feels safe in her embrace.

The world still burns around them with the ash falling like a tragic snowfall, the air smells of smoke and gunpowder.

--I aim low

I aim true and the ground is where I go --He takes the lead,singing to her,meaning the words--

I work late where I'm free from the phone

And the job gets done

But you worry some, I know

But who wants to live forever, babe?

You treat your mouth as if it's heaven's gate

The rest of you like you're the TSA

I wish I could go along

Babe, don't get me wrong

His voice gets flirty again as it usually is, she feels him smile against her skin and his head rises just enough so their eyes meet.

They spend a few more minutes dancing and singing softly. When he feels better and back with his boots on the ground, he looks at her and says--C'mon,lets go back before the guys freak out

And leading her by the hand they return to the Aurora. The Group asked if everything is okay and why they took so long to get back, and jer just dismisses it.

Nobody questions why Tim leads jeri to the showers, or why they spend so much time in there.

She scrubbs off the blood from his fingers,the same song they were singing now playing from a radio she took into the room.

《You know you're bright as the morning, as soft as the rain

Pretty as a vine, as sweet as a grape

If you can sit in a barrel, maybe I'll wait

Until that day》

He watches her with tired eyes--I- you dont gotta do it...

--Its okay,I want to take care of you--She answers, taking his still bloody hands and kissing his knuckles.

Tim sighs under his breath and softly says--I dont...I dont deserve it

--Yes you do,dont say that.

In silence he lets her scrub off the blood from his hands and his mouth,then comb the hair products on his brown locks that now stick to his face

《I'd rather take my whiskey neat

My coffee black and my bed at three

You're too sweet for me

You're too sweet for me

I take my whiskey neat

My coffee black and my bed at three

You're too sweet for me

You're too sweet for me》

His hands rest on her waist and he helps her out a little,as much as his shaken up nervous system could allow.

--Sorry...sorry I cant be of no more help-- He mutters,voice weak and tired.

Jeri shakes her head-- Dont be,its okay

After the shower they change into something more comfortable, casual "at home" clothes to unwind. Then,they go to the 'livingroom' of the ship where everyone was.

Its not only so everyone could take stock of one another to make sure nobody was missing so it calmed their anxiety, but also a way to make everyone unwind and feel safe.

Merchant has Tim leaning on her shoulder,drifting off to sleep while she crochets Him a small headband with a sprout growing out of It

Nastya is playing her violin, the toy soldier and Ivy play checkers. Raphaella and Ashes are leaning on one another on another couch,asleep. Meanwhile,Marius, brian and Jhonny are playing poker.

Its good to see Tim resting up and feeling better, he was a very light sleeper and the few things that couldnt wake him up was Nastya's violin,quiet chatter and the purr of the octokittens.

Like that,the crew settles down and relaxes after a long day of slaughter.

[iamyelling]

i am having feelings about the parenthood question. mixed feelings. feeling like i would never be a good parent i simply am not meant to be a parent. maybe i just want the nice parts but the big parts of it i wouldnt like at all, and would not come naturally to me. i dont know anything about children. i have spent my whole life saying i didnt want kids so nobody ever taught me anything. i am afraid if i have a kid or kids i would just fuck them up. do it all wrong. be dysfunctional. just because i want something doesnt mean its right for me. the other part of me is angry because of course all the systems of the world conspire to make it impossible for me to have a child. make it difficult. make me feel like i'd be "wrong". make me feel undeserving. so part of me says no it is exactly people like me who should have a kid. i do deserve it! everyone has a right to parenthood. especially people like me. but then im like well its not exactly a great idea to have kids for political reasons !! that's pretty shitty right! maybe yeah politically its a good choice but materially, looking at me specifically and disregarding the like conceptuals. its a bad idea. im too unstable im too self-centered im too weak and lazy and mentally ill and disabled and scattered and and and... ill never be responsible enough.

it is painful how rich people can have children so easily. it is painful to see how cisheterosexual people can have children so easily. it is painful and i am jealous and angry. i mourn. the possibilities i can never have. the time that is going by. the world that does not exist to support parenthood at least in the country i live in. the world that does exist that is scary and feels to be falling apart every day. the money that it takes and the energy that it takes and the skill that it takes. all that i don't have. i dont know what to do about all this.

i am also afraid that because annah doesnt want kids that she will never work to be better in the ways that i want. or that she will agree to things because i pressure her. im afraid we would pass on some sort of fucked up avoidant attachment style or something. i am just .. i dont know.

what i would want is for us to use annahs egg, my brother's sperm, and gestate in me and for me to give birth. that requires a lot of money and legal stuff. it is so frustrating. its unfortunate annah doesnt have any close male cousins i mean im sure she does but she doesnt interact with her family shes very .. not interested or something. she barely knows anythign about her family and they don't keep in touch. see if we had sperm from her side we could try to diy it for somewhat cheaper. and then she wouldn't have to go through the whole hormone thing for the egg retrieval process which i think would be really hard on her.

its just frustrating seeing others have what i can't have. and knowing that even if i did manage to make it work i still wouldnt be any good at it. its like.. i want to fix the whole world so that i can have a kid. i want to fix the systems so that its not so hard. when i think about the things i want so that i feel ready to have a kid, like my checklist of conditions that would make me feel somewhat comfortable relatively speaking, so much of it would require.. things im not sure are possible in this world. like community and communal living and everything being affordable and safer and less isolated . idk

[hokiis-writing-dump]

Little Fire Plume Pt.4

Platonic Reader x Diluc, reader is Diluc’s adoptive child, Reader bears a pyro vision! This is definitely be much shorter than all the other ones.

Ah yes, here we are again. You’re running off with Diona this time, as SOMEONE has to put out the fires you make just by walking on grass.

For some reason, be it your age making it harder for your vision to be controlled or just you being that unstable, you set most things on fire just by touching them.

Nobody can tell if you’re doing it purpose or now, but you claim that you can’t control it. However, Klee’s vision didn’t act up as much as yours is now when Klee got hers.

So now, Diona being tired of you setting her tail on fire just by bumping into you, is off to go drag Albedo from Dragonspine to find answers.

You got REALLY skittish about being in Dragonspine after nearly DYING there, but even you got tired of not being able to hug people or play because of the fire hazard you were.

Like Kaeya doesn’t mind because he can just put you out but still he has a few small burns from you.

Diona can fight with her bow well enough to hold off hilichurls, but the moment she sees Fatui she books it.

Now that worked for a while but...

A certain uh

Ginger

Came behind you guys and scooped you both up.

“Now now, what do we have here? Two children on Dragonspine all alone?” He spoke, sounding genuinely worried for you both. Diona flailed about to get him to drop you guys, even bit him a few times, but Childe didn’t react in the slightest.

You remember Traveler mentioning a ‘Tall ginger man with seemingly dead eyes.’ Something about the way he looked at you both made you feel safe, but his eyes, they looked so....off.

Childe let you both down, of course after you explained what the rush was.

He was a bit surprised about you setting things of fire just by touching them, vision intentionally activated or not, and didn’t believe it until he noticed how his glove was slightly burned.

Now he’s particularly interested in what else you are capable of.

He escorts you both to Albedo, and Albedo is immediately put off by Childe’s presence around you and Diona.

Quietly, he instructs Sucrose to prepare for a fight at any moment.

Childe waits outside the lab while you two try and get answers for why your vision is so unstable.

Albedo has an idea that pops into his mind for a split second, but when he has the idea, he prays it’s incorrect.

He says he has to do a quick physical for you, and you won’t be cold during it dw you are a literal furnace. like if you lay on wood under a stove you will not feel the heat and you could literally cook food on the same stove dude 

After the physical, Albedo’s fears are confirmed to be true, and he feels pity for you. He instructs Sucrose to leave quickly, and makes her take Diona with her.

“(Y/N), there’s a secret you need to keep, okay? You are...different from other kids you’re age. You are different in the same way I am. Something tells me your origin is similar to my own.” Albedo speaks, clasping his hands over your much smaller ones.

You’re beyond confused, as far as you know you’re just some reckless and dangerous kid.

“Unfortunately, you were not raised in an environment that allowed you to grow as intended. That is why your power is unstable, you were not taught how to use it.” Albedo stands up after speaking, sighing. He’s worried for you, but he cannot help. He doesn’t know how.

“...Harbinger. I know you heard all of that. All that I ask is that you keep this to yourself. For your own safety.”

What

You’ve never understood what Albedo said before, but you REALLY don’t now.

But he said keep it a secrect i guess

So here you are heading back down the mountain with you and Diona, and sending you off with Diluc.

Albedo made sure to make a sketch of the newly formed markings on your back.

HIIII I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED THIS n e ways, I’m going to be posting somewhat again, but im still doing school so not too often anyways have good days and lives

[hanazuma-inactive]

Hello! This is kind of a long request and well- Hopefully you’re fine with doing temporary Body Swap. :>

So basically Bakugou and his Male S/O are pro heroes and when out on a mission, they both get hit by a villain who has a swap quirk. Basically, they just swapped bodies. (Y/n is in Bakugou’s body and Bakugou is in Y/n’s body, they basically just switched minds.) They are told by the other pro heroes that the two should go home and take the day off. Unfortunately, nobody knows how long the quirk effect will stay, but they were convinced it was only temporary. So the two go back to their shared apartment and the day goes on pretty normal- besides the fact that, you know, they’ve swapped bodies. Though later Y/n gets a bit of an idea. What if he were to f*ck Bakugou in this body? The thought seemed kinda strange at first since he would literally be f*cking his own body, but he couldn’t deny that the thought was turning him on. Especially wanting to see Bakugou’s reaction. So, he basically handcuffs Bakugou to prevent him from struggling and.. while in the middle of doing it, something happens.. Shit! Why did it have to happen now?? Y/n panics in his head as he realizes they just swapped bodies again, and he is now at the mercy of Bakugou Katsuki himself..

I actually sent a request kinda similar to this to someone else but it was a while ago and they haven’t responded so they may not have liked it, or it just didn’t arrive. And sorry for choosing Bakugou again, you just may be able to figure out who my favorite character is.. Sorry for my rambling.

If you don’t wanna do it, that’s fine. Anyways, have a good day/night, man!

in his shoes (nsfw) bakugou x reader

pronouns: he/him

warnings: body swapping during sex, bottom and top reader+bakugou, selfcest (?), degrading, bratty behavior, claimming and possesive themes, bondage (handcuffs)

a/n: i really like this concept and i will write it don't worry 😎👍 i usually write all of my requests anyways. im also sorry this took literally 5 years.

_____

katsuki bakugou and y/n bakugou. the two of you have been married for 2 years now after you guys started working as heroes. you both went to UA and graduated at the top of the class. neither of you had time for love or romance resulting in neither of you confessing you feelings for each other. gladly, things managed to work out in the end.

"he's on it again, i need the bakugous here right now."

hearing the police force requesting your assistance, you and your husband show up on the case. it turned out to be the villain that the two of you couldn't capture the last time during patrol. 

"HEH?! look y/n, it's this motherfucker again. what's up with this loser, coming back every time it's annoying." 

"play nice now katsuki, let's just go and restrain him and let the police take care of the rest."

the two of you move quickly to match the villain's rapid movements. katsuki flew around using his quirk to attempt to catch him but failed. the villain was surprisingly agile and you guys had a tough time trying to chase him down. 

after around half an hour of chasing you finally cornered the villain on top of a tall building in the middle of the city that was still in construction. the ground was hard to walk on and somewhat unstable but you managed to find your balance. 

"alright, give it up, you've got nowhere to run now. 

"what he said, stop resisting and i won't blow your face off."

the villain's expression turned to fear as you started to close up on him. out of panic, he used his quirk. it was a small beam that didn't hurt at all. however, after a few seconds your body started to heat up, you looked over to katsuki and you could tell he was feeling the same. what was happening?

seeing the two of you struggling, the villain quickly left the scene but he had trouble moving around due to his surroundings. his movements were also somewhat impaired due to fatigue. it was most likely the aftereffect of his quirk which was why he was pretty reluctant in using it. 

the strange feeling in your chest wouldn't go away and your vision started to blur. next thing you know you woke up on top of the same building to see yourself lying next to you. was his quirk duplication? no it couldn't have been. you tried to stand up but felt the weight of some heavy armor dragging you down. you look down to see yourself wearing katsuki's hero costume and his gauntlet. still in awe, you heard a groan in your own voice next to you. 

"shit… wtf happened, y/n where are you where-" 

it didn't take long for your husband to find out what happened. 

the two of you have switched bodies.

you both tried to explain to the police who's who but it only ended in confusion. you went home with your husband after they put the two of you on break for "damaged mental" from the villain because the majority of the police thought you guys were crazy. 

there weren't any cases similar to body switching between heros before so the doctor said there's nothing that can be done other than attempting to wait off the effect. so there you were, in your husband's body, cooking dinner for the man while you saw your own body lazily sitting on the couch with your legs spread open watching the tv. 

life went as normal for the next two days, since you two were both males there weren't any problems whatsoever. however, one day a thought flew into your mind while taking a nap with katsuki. since he was the one who would usually top, now that you're in his body wouldn't it technically mean you get to top? 

physically you would be using your boyfriend's body to fuck yourself. but the thought of the all mighty bakugou katsuki taking his own dick, his bratty attitude, and lastly breaking him and making him fall apart by your touch aroused you in an indescribable way. you knew katsuki wouldn't agree to this due to his prideful personality so you had to take other measures to carry out your plan. 

you and kastuki had all sorts of toys laying around and you decided to give him a taste of his own medicine with them. while he wasn't looking you grabbed the vibrator, handcuffs, and blindfolds and put them all on the nightstand. now that everything is in place, all you have to do is wait to catch katsuki off guard tonight when he gets tired.

later tonight, after finishing dinner, katsuki was yet again sitting casually again on the couch watching tv, not giving a single care to the world. 

"heyy katsuki!"

"hm? yah?" 

"come with me for a second? i want to show you something!" you said with a sly grin on your face

katsuki didn't care enough to talk back, neither did he think this could lead to the ill intentions you had with him tonight. following you into the bedroom, you gestured katsuki to sit down on the bed. he obeyed although he began to have a suspicion of what you're about to do. using your new body, you abused katsuki's strong muscle and speed to restrain your own body with the handcuffs you prepare. there was no way for katuski to fight back in this situation because your body was simply not built enough to resist his. 

"h-huh? what are you doing dumbass…if you're joking s-stop it now, it's not funny." 

"oh i am very serious katsuki, now that i'm inside your body. i am going to fuck your brains out. i'm gonna thrust that bratty attitude of yours right out the window." 

hearing you say that, your husband looked away to avert his eyes while you heard a small gulp coming from his throat. you could tell he was nervous and that's exactly what you wanted. katsuki has never bottomed in his life before and he does plan on doing so either. 

finally having katsuki in your grasp, you decided to carry on with your plan. you put on the blindfold for him as he jolted in surprise. katsuki tried to get out of the handcuffs but later found his attempt futile. these were the toys he used for you too and he out of everyone should know it's impossible to get out of them. once your husband stopped moving you gentlt took off his pants, leaving him exposed wearing only your boxers with an erection under it.

"aww katsuki~ already hard and i haven't even done anything yet, maybe you're better off being the bottom hm?" you teased 

"s-shut up you shit head, just get on with it, whatever evil plan you have in store for tonight…"

"no need to rush katsuki" you said as you entered his asshole with 2 of your fingers, loosening him up for the vibrator. 

"we have the entire night."

you heard your own voice whimper as you explored more with your fingers. soon enough it was time to put the other toy in. your fingers left for a bit preparing the vibrator, leaving bakugou panting from the pleasure and clenching his hole around well, nothing. you turned on the vibrator and katsuki immediately noticed the familiar sound of what's in your hands. 

"o-oi y/n, don't put it in here, i-i won't be able to take it." 

"oh i'm sure you can~ you made me do it plenty of times, why can't the big and strong bakugou katsuki do it?"

without mercy, you put in the vibrator quickly and let the show play out. katsuki was moaning and groaning while you stroked your own cock enjoying the view. katuski's cock was bigger than yours and you weren't used to jacking off such a big dick but it was a nice first.

seeing a wet spot forming on katsuki's underwear, you knew he was ready to go. you took off katsuki's underwear to see the precum leaking from it, so much it looked like he was about to cum any second now. next, you took out the vibrator and started to spread some lube on your cock. you positioned yourself on top of the katsuki and teased his pink hole with your huge cock. 

"what do good boys say katsuki~?" 

"tch! i'm not saying it, y-you sadistic fuck."

you slapped katsuki's ass so loud that the neighbors probably could've heard you.

"i'm the one in control right now, you listen to what i say, understood?"

"f-fine, jesus christ! p-please y/n, put it inside me…" 

"that's a good boy…" 

after you fit ¾ of your cock in katsuki was already panting heavily trying to catch his breath. it reached his prostate you leaned down on his chest to bite on his nipples to make him feel even better. his hole clenched on your hole so tight you were barely able to move your cock around. you continued to make thrusts and sped them up each time. 

during your thrusts you suddenly felt the weird feeling when fighting the villain again. both you and bakugou's body started to burn up but it wasn't as painful as it was last time. next thing you know everything was pitch black. you felt a piece of black cloth on top of your eyes and a familiar size inside your ass. it didn't take you long to realize that you and bakugou finally switched back. 

you were glad to be back in your own body but why did it have to happen now?! out of all the times it could've happened this was no doubt the worst possible timing. you just teased the crap out of bakugou and now that he's in control again he can take his revenge right here, right now.

"oh? would you look at that…our bodies switched back…" you couldn't see katsuki say this but you could already tell the evil smile on his face. 

"k-katsuki i'm sorry, i didn't mean to tease you that hard i was just trying to have some fun y-y'know." you desperately tried to explain. 

"too late now baby boy… bad boys get punished for what they did. now… get ready, for the night of your fucking life." 

regret, nothing but regret. bakugou was already an aggressive person when it comes to sex, now that you pissed him off even more you weren't prepared for what he was about to do to you. 

without warning, katsuki pulled back his hips and thrusted into you harder than ever. you took his entire length right away and the full feeling in your ass was too overwhelming for you to handle. you started to blabber nonsense, unable to form words due to the pleasure. 

"c'mon baby… gotta speak up if you want me to understand you." bakugou said knowing damn well you can't talk back. 

incoherent moans and groans escaped from your mouth as you felt dry orgasms again and again from katsuki reaching your prostate. you were on the verge of passing out till you saw your husband's panting just as hard as you. you could tell he was very close as well. you tried your best to stay conscious and cum with your husbands. 

katsuki let out a loud moan as he cummed inside you. you reached your orgasm too cumming all over yourself. katsuki licked up the cum on your stomach as you slipped into sweet unconsciousness. he gave you a warm smile and patted your head as he took you into his arms and fell asleep with you. 

[antonhousehold]

so let's love

summary: sometimes, katsuki let his insecurities get the best of him. and sometimes, you get hurt because of that.

song: so let's love - day6 (click the song, its totally worth it!)

warning: angst. bakugou being toxic. reader is touch starved. yelling and cursing. insecurities. reader is in love with bakugou but he's afraid!! no fluff end!

reader: gn!neutral (or i tried to be neutral!)

note: this is my first time writing angst, so im sorry if is shitty. also, i would like to let know that english is not my first language, so im sorry if i messed up with the grammar and stuff like that!

loving bakugou was kinda... hard.

sometimes he's sweet in his own way. you remember the times when you fell asleep in his arms. the way his heart almost ran away from his chest. the warmth of his body against yours. it was simply beautiful.

he was beautiful.

everything started when you met him in that street. the sky was pouring and some thunders were lightning up the clouds. the city was dark and the stars were the only ones in the scene. he was smoking a cigarette and the smell of the tabaco and the rain was a very unique fragrance to you. you tried to cover him from the rain with your umbrella. gladly, he didn't stop you.

«have I seen you before?» you asked. those vermillion eyes were as deep as the ocean.

«i think so, [name]»

you remember the first time he asked you out in a date. it was simple but nice. just like him.

you remember the times when you were with with him in highschool. the way his words were harsh towards everyone. you thought he overcome that.

«i told you before, dumbass. i can't stand when you touch me like that in public! it makes me look fucking weak!»

we sometimes fight, and get hurt by each other's sharp words

«i didn't even hug you! i just leaned on your body. i can't help it, I'm your partner!»

«my partner would fucking understand and respect my boundaries! or are you too dumb to actually get it?! »

and you tried to be understanding about him. you tried to give him the space he need it. you stopped showing affection towards him in public. it was kinda hard, but if this was the best way to keep him happy and comfortable, you were completely down for it.

then, in your shared apartment, he started to accept your love. you believed in the soft kisses, the hugs, and the fuzzy feeling of his words in your heart. You wanted to believe in the memories of happiness and beautiful moments that you locked in your mind. the promises and the not so often sweet words. it made you feel special. he always made you feel special, or that's what you wanted to believe.

i can't possibly erase all the wounds you left in me

everything was going on very well, at least at the beginning. until those ethereal moments started to get serious. katsuki realized how much in love he was with you. how his heart almost ran away from his chest every time you looked at him.

it was overwhelming.

so he started panicking. you were just too good to be with him. he didn't feel worthy of your love. why would you even love someone like him?

i'm too afraid that you might leave me

«hey katsu, wanna shower together? i thought it was a good idea since both of us are exhausted»

«shower first. i'm not joining»

sometimes, he just didn't even consider your dates or plans with him. every time was the same. 'i have stuff to do, maybe tomorrow', 'i need to study for this test, i'm not gonna throw my career just for you'

you just wanted a little bit of his love.

you know me, please hold my unstable heart

«can you stop looking me like that? it's giving me goosebumps»

«i'm sorry»

it was hard to him as well. every time he saw your disappointed face and the teary eyes of you, his heart sinks. he didn't want to hurt you, but the feeling of loving you were scarier than hurting your feelings.

saying harsh words was so much easier than accepting the fact that he was feeling vulnerable when you were with him.

«i'm not gonna go to that shitty party. go by yourself»

«it's going to be so much fun! come on, grandpa!» you tried to play it cool. you just wanted a little of him.

«are you deaf? im not fucking going. i have stuff way more important than getting drunk with you»

i want your love, please love me. that's all i wish for

«why the fuck are you so clingy around him?!! do you like him or what?!» he asked once you walked through the door.

«what? what are you talking about?»

«don't play dumb with me. answer the fucking question!»

«i don't even know what are you talking about?!» his eyes were staring at you so furiously, that you even felt the goosebumps in your skin. bakugou always looked scary when he was this mad.

«i'm talking about that shitty extra!» he pulled out his phone and let you see the bright photos of the party night that was all over his social media.

even one word, i need to say it carefully. even this sentence with a trembling heart..

in fact, you were with that green haired boy, hugging him and smiling so softly that bakugou wanted to throw up. it was totally disgusting. 'how can they be so lovey dovey with that piece of shit and bitching all the time with me?'

«why are so mad about it? you hate when i touch you or kiss you, then why are you so obsessed when i show affection towards someone else?!» this whole situation was getting on your nerves. it was hard to keep a conversation about this with him, because he'd always yell the same thing about you.

«because you're my fucking partner!! i didn't expect you to be such a whore just for a damn hug!»

his words got stuck in your head as he started walking near you, just to look at your eyes with those deep vermillion eyes. for a moment, you thought he wanted to cried, but his screams blinded his emotions.

his scent stills reminds you fo cigarettes and rainy days. thunders and fire. it was hard to keep all those emotions in your chest.

i thought we were still fine, but i was wrong

«what the fuck is wrong with you, bakugou?!! you don't want me to even look at you but you get jealous when i have a good time with my friends. what the fuck do you want from me??!» you tried to fight the urge of crying. your eyes were begging to let them cry, but the knot in your throat was suffocating you at this point.

«i want you to fucking LEAVE! i'm so done with this shit. i can't stand you anymore. i don't want your shitty 'affection'» he yelled. you jump in your place of how unexpected his words came out. «i don't think i ever loved you! you're so fucking annoying with the same shit. 'please katsuki, love me please' so damn annoying. you wanna know what?! nobody wants your fucking affection, not even me, get over it!!»

we were shaking as much as we could. we were getting that cold

the words he said, the way he screamed, everything felt so out of him.

you felt your hot tears walking down your face so painfully. even felt your blood run cold against your skin. there's no way he was your boyfriend. katsuki was a jerk, totally, but he would never hurt you like that. he's not your katsuki. something happened to him.

you tried so hard to believe that he didn't mean those things. you thought it was just another fight, that tomorrow everything will be normal again. nothing changed, it wasn't real.

«i-i know you didn't mean it»

«i did. fucking leave. take your shit out of here soon»

i'm incomplete. i'm only complete with you

you know me so please, hold my unstable heart

«this is my apartment too»

«then i'll leave! throw all my stuff. enjoy your apartment, you can be free again»

he walked to the door with his phone and wallet, leaving the place with a heavy silent. you stared at the door, expecting to see him trying to apologize, but that didn't happen. you even imagined everything was a really mean joke, that he didn't mean something like that. you can't lie of loving someone for almost six months.

you tried so hard to keep him happy. you tried everything, but at the end, he didn't even love you as much as you did. all your wishes were just a pure thought of hope. it wasn't real. you just wanted a little of his love.

a last kiss.

a last hug.

a last minute of his life.

i want your love, please love me. that's all i wish for

so let's love more in the future

[chocolatte-and-despair]

ooo a fellow lesbian gal here ✋🏾 that ask brought up some repressed memories but im more interested in philza and sam specially because one doesnt understand consent and the other is delusional… how screwed would a lesbian reader be if she catches their eyes? ☠️💀💀

Not a lesbian but I still love women 💀Momma's not proud aghgh. Keeps pushing me back in the closet y'all. It's getting crampy in here.

Awesamdude

* I believe there was a huge misunderstanding there. The only reason why his delusions would start to spiral is if you would start to give him romantic attention, or intimate attention in general, but if you would act completely platonically, or would tell him that you are a lesbian immediately, he wouldn't become romantically obsessive! * Now, don't misunderstand again. He will become platonically obsessive over you hon. You might not be his lover, but you are his best friend! The person who makes his lovely days a little bit more bearable. * You can bet your ass that Sam will beat up any guy that comes up to you and tries to flirt with you. He will beat up anyone who makes you uncomfortable in general. I mean, he is your best friend. And you need to be protected from assholes that don't know what no is. * In a few words, you would meet Sam. Not the warden. Not an unstable man that would be willing to hurt you any moment. No, you will be meeting Sam! The shy and nice guy is a very good friend and very supportive. The one who was there for Quackity whenever he needed Sam. The guy that was there for Quackity when his fiances broke him. The one who helped build Quackity's dream. * You just have gained the most supportive and nicest, possessive friend ever! You're lucky, seeing as nobody will ever dare hurt you with him by your side.

Philza

* There has been a huge misunderstanding with Philza too! You see, before you two become lovers, he wouldn't dare to touch you in any way that you don't want! He wouldn't even think about it. He would forget about consent if the two of you are very close, very in love and together! * So, luckily for you, you aren't going to be hurt by Philza in this situation. Instead, you will gain a fatherly figure that supports you! You see, he has been the whole coming out and supportive people thing before! I mean, his grandson is a trans man, so he knows a thing or two about supporting the LGBTQ+ community. * You need to never forget that he is there for you if you need to talk to him. Sure, his romantic feelings for you didn't work out, but he will always lend you his shoulder to listen to your worries. Never think otherwise. * Philza will always give you advice and listen to you. He might not deal with the same issues as you, but he understands a thing or two about being in a relationship that people look down upon. He was dating a sentient fridge once upon a time and had Wilbur, so. If that makes you feel better, there's that! * Just know that he is always there for you, okay? And if anyone ever harasses you about your sexuality, you tell him and he will make sure that person disappears forever.

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[justalitlecreacher]

Ok as much as I hate the events of the Rako Hardeen arc in Clone Wars and deeply wish that the council/Obi-Wan had at the very least told Anakin and Ahsoka what they were planning, I feel like the arc represents a very important turning point in Anakin’s fall and actually shows an important bit of character growth from Attack of the Clones.

Tl;Dr: The Rako Hardeen arc is my favorite and least favorite arc in all of Clone Wars because while it puts Anakin through unnecessary pain it also gives a lot of insight into why he may have fallen in Revenge of the Sith and shows some important character growth

Ok; the most important part of this post/analysis (I think) is to remember how close Anakin and Obi-Wan are. Anakin was placed in Obi-Wan’s care at the age of 9 and from then on Obi-Wan practically raised him. In Attack of the Clones we see Anakin refer to Obi-Wan as the closest thing he has to a father not once, but twice, and one of those two times was directly to Obi-Wan.”OBI-WAN:  Why do I think you are going to be the death of me?! ANAKIN:  Don't say that Master... You're the closest thing I have to a father... I love you. I don't want to cause you pain.”(Attack of the Clones) and later to Padmé “...He's [Obi-Wan] like my father,...”. This is especially important because when Anakin leaves his mother to become a Jedi in The Phantom Menace, Obi-Wan is literally the only friendly/familiar face in the Temple. Plus in the comics (disclaimer: I have not read all the comics just bits and pieces) we get a glimpse of Anakin training with the other padawans and it’s made clear that at least some of them don’t like Anakin at all. One padawan even refers to him as “just a slave” when shit talking him during training.(which like super fucked up; they def should’ve gotten in trouble cause that don’t seem very Jedi of them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

Anyway; we’ve established Anakin and Obi-Wan’s bond. So let’s turn our attention towards someone who deserved so much better; Shmi Skywalker. Her death in Attack of the Clones was the first major turning point in Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side. There is really no excuse for Anakin’s actions after Shmi’s death; he goes to a very dark place, and likely taps into the dark side of the force during the massacre of the Tusken Raiders. But that’s not what we’re talking about rn so back on track.

I bring Shmi’s death up to say that while Anakin was tracking down Obi-Wan’s “murderer” I didn’t fully realize that Obi-Wan had disguised himself as Hardeen and I was genuinely worried that Anakin was about to unalive an innocent man. I really believe that the only thing that stopped Anakin from trying (and maybe succeeding) to kill Obi/Rako was like he said: he knew that Obi-Wan wouldn’t have wanted him to. This is important because the last time Anakin lost a family member he brutally murdered an entire village of Tusken Raiders, children included, and I think it’s safe to say that Shmi “the biggest problem in the universe is nobody helps each other” Skywalker would not have wanted that. I’ve finally arrived at one of my main points; this arc shows a crucial bit of character growth by showing an Anakin that is capable of thinking his actions through and not just reacting out of anger even after the loss of one of the most important people in his life; something he was previously shown incapable of when his anger and grief blind him. This turns this arc into an sort of midway point on Anakin’s fall; he’s clearly tempted to give into his anger and pain again, but he is able to resist this time. A younger Anakin may have killed “Hardeen” then and there. 

This scene really contrasts with Anakin’s actions in Revenge of the Sith in a way im not sure how i feel about yet. On one hand it has potential to make Anakin’s actions in Revenge of the Sith feel too out of character. We just saw Anakin able to see past his own emotions in the wake of the death of a loved one so what makes this different? On the other hand this arc can be used to show just how desperate Anakin is to not have to feel that way ever again. It’s also good for showing how much influence Palpatine has had on Anakin in the space between this arc and Revenge of the Sith. As for why Anakin may be unable to think past his own feelings in Revenge of the Sith when he appeared perfectly capable in the arc, a likely reason is that there really wasn't anything Anakin thought he could do for Obi-Wan anymore because he believed him to be dead, but with Padmé, Anakin knew she could be saved if he could just get her the proper care. But his fear of being exiled from the Jedi Order, and his increasing lack of faith in the council led him to believe that he had no choice other than to trust in Palpatine. And no hate to Yoda but im sure when Anakin did try to reach out (even as vaguely as he did) Yoda’s response of “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” didn't appear to be very helpful (especially considering that he is well aware that listening to Ahsoka’s visions and responding appropriately saved Padmé’s life (not sure if Anakin knows about that though)). These three episodes show pretty well how/why Anakin may have felt that he had nowhere to turn but Palpatine.

These groups of episodes actually show negative character growth (is that the right term?) in Anakin. He goes from commiting mass murder rated E for everyone to understanding that his loved ones would not want him to seek revenge in this way, but then he backslides into this lightsaber is rated E for everyone by Revenge of the Sith. Logically he should know that Padmé would never have wanted him to do what he did; he has to know what he’s doing is wrong, but he’s incapable of seeing another way out because he cannot handle even the thought of losing Padmé. He’s too desperate to not lose her, and so sure that there’s no other option that he manages to convince himself that he needs to do this for her. I find this entire arc really interesting but unless i want to be here all day the most i can do here is point out that it exists and that it peaks in the Rako Hardeen arc. Surprisingly i do have a life outside of writing long posts, and i lack the time and energy to analyze all of Clone Wars and write about every event that led to Darth Vader (there are so many). On top of that i actually haven’t seen all of Clone Wars; just the episodes most important to understanding Anakin’s fall.

Onto my next point, we just talked about the growth Anakin showed in this episode; now onto why i believe that this arc was instrumental in Anakin’s fall. (Disclaimer: I do not think that removing this arc alone could have saved Anakin, but i do believe it would have helped a good bit). I’ve already touched on Anakin and Obi-Wan’s bond so im not gonna do that again. 

Ive said it before and i will say it again; it was super fucked up of Obi-Wan and everyone else on the Council to use Anakin’s (and Ahsoka’s) reactions Obi-Wan’s “death” for their own gain. It was super manipulative and they absolutely knew what they were doing.  Obi-Wan even explicitly says, “Keeping Anakin on the outside was critical. Everyone knows how close we are. It was his reaction that sold the sniper. I'm sure of it.”(Deception season 2 episode 15). He knows just how devastated Anakin would be by his death, and he uses like Anakin and his mental and emotional well-being mean nothing to him (I know this isn’t true but its probably not hard to believe that someone doesn't care about your feelings when they’ve just tricked you into thinking they’ve died for their own gain). The Council really proves time and time again that they do not care about Anakin’s (or maybe anyone’s; Anakin was far from the only one close to Obi-Wan left unaware of his deception) mental or emotional wellbeing, but tbh i think this is the worst example of how callous the Council can be. And on top of all of that it was Obi-Wan who decided to keep Anakin in the dark Obi-Wan who should have known better; if we assume that Anakin is at least 20 in Clone Wars; Obi-Wan has known Anakin for at least 10 years, and has practically raised him from the age of 9, and yet somehow, somehow he had this idea and didn't see a single thing wrong with it. (And they really picked the worst possible person for this; like yea let’s trick the most unstable Jedi we have into thinking his closest friend/ father figure was murdered)

This arc’s main purpose (IMO) is to really show the beginnings of Anakin losing faith in the Jedi and putting more and more faith in Palpatine. Anakin trusted Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan betrayed that trust. Beyond that Palpatine is able to make Anakin begin to doubt how much the Council is telling him if they didnt tell him something as crucial as this. We even see Anakin parroting Palpatine’s “concerns” of the council not telling Anakin the full truth the Obi-Wan and the end of the arc. This arc is instrumental is establishing Anakin’s loss of faith in the council and shows how much he trusts Palpatine and sees him as a real friend.

Anyway I’m sure I had more I wanted to touch onand if I remember I will definitely edit this post but for the now I just wanna say. A) I love Obi-Wan a lot; this arc just really was not it. I do not understand how he thought this was in any way acceptable but I do still really like him. B) i fully understand that Anakin’s actions are his own and he does take a share of the blame for his own fall.

[wayhvn]

twelve minutes

summary | jude could have imagined that playing chess with a vampire might have been difficult. they did not imagine that it would be quite this exhaustive.

or

 detective jude cain plays a particularly difficult game of chess with commanding agent ava du mortain 

pairing | mason x  jude cain (nb detective), the beginnings of / implications of ava x Jude, which could also be interpreted as a very close or caring friendship. mason ava love triangle route... jk. haha unless...???

word count | ~1.6k

rating | t for language to be safe! jude swears lmao.

tags | i am just going to tag some of my followers /mutuals if that is okay??? i do not know the etiquette for this kind of thing hahah so tell me if you do not want to be tagged I won’t be offended!! @raleighcarrera @agentfreckles @s-ewell @natehsewell @brightpinkpeppercorn 

authors note | WOW I AM NERVOUS this is my first time posting a piece of writing here!! im a huge fan of chess and i have always imagined that ava would be too. this was very fun for me. that being said, this is rough and a little unedited but i just wanted to stop putting it off and post it already!! 

Jude could have imagined that playing chess with a vampire might have been difficult. They did not imagine that it would be quite this exhaustive.

Though it was nearly the middle of the summer, the fireplace was roaring. The only source of light in the library, the orange flicker cast gold shadows across Ava’s cheekbones, her lips a tight unyielding line, straight above her chin. Her features, normally pallid in the light, were warmer now, controlled as ever before. She sat across from them, left ankle crossed over her right knee, the line of her body carefully folded taught, her brow furrowed. She hadn’t moved in nearly fifteen minutes. 

It was incredible, to her see her this still. Distracting, welcomed. Unit Bravo, the assembly that Jude had subconsciously categorized as their vampires, so permanently full of life, fluid in their movements and their expressions, rarely bothered to act as anything but human. Jude had forgotten how still any one of them could be, if only they would will it. Jude found themselves often forgetting the Unit’s capabilities. Nate, Ava, Farah, Mason- each could do any number of things unimaginable to Jude, if only they would will it. Jude hadn’t thought about it that way before. They wondered if this was a bad thing. 

So Ava sat, a fortress of her own making, made of blood and bone and particles that had been of this earth for nearly a thousand years. A millennium. 

The space felt cavernous in its silence, devoid of any other member of the unit, devoid of activity. It was easy for Jude to imagine that perhaps they were the only two in the Warehouse at all, that the entire building had cleared itself for just the both of them. 

“Are you very familiar with chess, detective?”

Jude swallowed, and slowly, nodded. “My mother taught me. I played in high school.”

“Was this before you were nearly expelled for your truancy, or after?”

They managed a laugh, something bare, and short. “You have jokes now, I see. Before, Agent Du Mortain. Before. Now are you going to make your move?”

“I have played chess with your mother for nearly a decade,” Ava mused. “She is much more patient an opponent.”

“Was she very good?”

Ava hesitated, before relenting. “I have had my losses to Rebecca, yes. She reinvigorated my enjoyment of the sport of it all.”

The fire cracked loudly, and Jude diverted their gaze to its growth. They licked their lips, shifting their shoulders.

“I forgot that you’ve known each other for so long.”

Ava’s lips twitched, before her face settled again. “I have not forgotten a single match against her.”

“You seem to not forget many things.”

“Of course not. It is nearly impossible.”

Jude did not know what to say. 

It was Ava, who broke the still. Her voice was quieter now, assured. 

“I did not, for instance, forget the state in which you came here.”

Jude resisted the urge to sigh. To scoff. To roll their eyes. To do anything but admit some form of defeat, at the hands of a friend that Ava had had for over one hundred years. They did not imagine that Ava would bring it up. In fact, she had asked Jude to play chess rather callously, disregarding the tears, the panic. It had been instrumental in helping them reacquire a sense of calm. 

Unforgiving in her persistence, she continued. “Mason has caused something of a mess,” Ava pursed her lips, and Jude could see that her teeth were clenched. “I imagined he would.”

Jude was certain that they would stand, resist the onslaught. “I don’t want to-“

Ava raised an eyebrow, an interruption in itself. “I received a concerned text from Nate. Who had a concerning conversation with the man in question.”

Jude felt their jaw sit tight, and they hunched their shoulders. They imagined to Ava’s specimen, they were about as intimidating as a fearful kitten. “I don’t want to know about it.”

This was not Ava giving up, and Jude knew that. But she did not respond, and it was a place of solace which Jude would accept. 

For now. 

“Are you familiar with Louis Paulsen’s 1857 match against Paul Morphy?”

Jude blinked, and straightened. Near a millennia, indeed. “No.”

Ava hummed. Jude blinked, and in the fraction of a second it had taken them to open their eyes, Ava’s position had completely changed. She was leaning forward now, shoulders horizontally parallel to her knees, her head resting in her hands. It was as though somebody had replaced a photograph with another photograph. She did not look as though she had moved, and yet, here she was, her entire body completely shifted. The firelight gave her eyes a dark cast, reminiscent of the sea. Her voice continued, languid, slow. “Morphy was an American, in a losing position. His structure was catastrophic, and Paulsen’s queen was about to demolish completely what strategy he had left.”

Ava raised her gaze, then, and Jude felt powerless to do anything but meet it. 

“Morphy took twelve minutes before making his next move,” Ava, perhaps unknowingly, let her tongue sweep across the bottom row of her teeth. Her lips were parted in what might hint at the very beginnings of a smile. “Twelve whole minutes. He had to assure himself that every possible combination afterwards was sound. Was safe, even knowing that chess is never safe, not truly. But he had to ensure, losses be damned, that he had a forced win, in every variation. Do you know what move he made, Detective Cain?”

Jude did not know why, but their heart was pounding, quickly, horribly, in their chest, as if uncertain it belonged in this confine of muscle at all. 

Their voice was raspy, dry, unsettled. “A sacrifice.”

Ava’s gaze was steady, terrible, unfaltering. The flames seemed to exist from inside of her, and nowhere else. Ava was a leader, unforgiving, tactical. Her voice was that of her title now, no trace of uncertainty or mutiny possible. Ava could not be wrong. Ava would be heard, and her demands would be met. This was Commanding Agent Du Mortain. A pantheon of her own assembly. This was the voice that war might render. “A queen sacrifice, Detective Cain. A loss of the most powerful piece on the board. Aimed to destroy the entire pawn structure of the side of the king.” 

Jude felt as though they could not breathe. They felt feverish, incapable. For a moment, the board in front of them made no sense, was a puzzle that had no complete answer. Jude was going to lose this game. The certainty of this, as insignificant as it might be, seemed overwhelming and inescapable. Ava had likely memorized as many of the hundreds of thousands of millions of billions of possible outcomes of every possible game. What else would a tactical commander do in her hundreds of years of spare time, with a mind endlessly more capable than that of a human’s? 

The chill, despite the summer breeze, as Jude had left the bakery. 

The confirmation of fear, wrapping their jacket tight around their midsection. The certainty of rejection. The certainly of solitude. 

The mounting of an internalized pressure system.

“Detective Cain,” Ava’s voice, grounded in something that was certain to be eternal, cut through the space that Jude had so effortlessly placed between them. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Jude’s response was instant, automatic. 

An unstable chemical reaction. 

“Do not forget that I am perfectly capable of hearing your heart.”

An explosion. 

Jude knew that there were no pretenses here. Perhaps they had been wrong in assuming that Ava would play along. In hoping that it was all Ava would bother to do. 

In an action which Jude could not control, they were pushed to their feet. In one fell swoop, Jude’s arm had swept across the chess board, destroying their loss, destroying the evidence of their loss, ending the game in terms which made sense. Their voice was a hiss, a yell, something verging on a scream. Rage, unbridled, packaged so that it could not be recognized as fear.

“We weren’t even fucking! Because I didn’t want to fuck around for nothing, Ava! And now, fucking Haley thinks we were, and the whole fucking town thinks we were, and I look like a fucking idiot who was getting played with by their fucking coworker!”

Ava’s gaze had risen with Jude’s body, and she regarded the dismantled game in front of them with something that could only be equated to impatience. 

Ava had not lifted her chin from her hands. 

Jude waited, and when nothing happened, when nobody moved, Jude, shoulders heaving, took the first steps past the shelves that surrounded the couches. The door, outlined in that harsh, fluorescent light of the Warehouse, beckoned like a song. 

“Jude.”

Ava’s voice. Imploring. Undemanding. Forgiving. Pliant, and close. Without a whisper of a sound, Ava had stood, moved, and positioned herself directly behind Jude. If Jude wanted, they could stretch their hand back. Their fingers would touch her. Jude could touch her.

Jude stiffened. Jude stopped. Jude did not turn around. Jude did not touch her.

Ava spoke again.

“The greatest threat has been removed from the board. Mason cannot make a move like this again.”

Jude exhaled. It was a shudder. It was the beginning of something that Jude would not admit to. Speaking of this in terms of a game made it easier. Jude could distance from it. It was likely that Ava knew that. 

“I guess I just don’t know if I’ve lost yet.”

Ava did not say anything else. Or maybe she did. Jude didn’t know. 

Jude left the library.

[leverage-ot3]

notable moments from The Two Live Crew Job

leverage 2.07

Sophie: I love the symbolists.

- - - - -

🥰 I love when the ot3 are together in one frame 🥰

- - - - -

the dogs playing poker painting tho

- - - - -

Eliot: Any sudden movement's gonna cause displacement of the water. It'll set it off.

Parker: Is that C-4?

Sophie: Oh!

(Nate grabs Parker’s hand before she can touch the vase)

Sophie: Parker... please don't poke at the motion-sensitive bomb.

Nate: So, uh... secret admirer?

Sophie: Well, it's no secret they want me dead.

Hardison: What do you think, man?

Eliot: I'd have to reach into the vase to disarm it. It'd go off.

eliot’s lips quivered when he said that bc he’s so nervous for her im-

- - - - -

Parker: Do you have any instant pudding?

(everyone looks at Parker in surprise. Cut to Parker pouring pudding into the vase)

Parker: The powder hardens the liquid, tricks the bomb into thinking it's not moving.

Eliot: Should give you a little wiggle room. Very little

MASTERMIND PARKER

- - - - -

(mourners are gathered around a casket with a line of black cars parked nearby. An open casket shows Sophie lying inside. Eliot is standing at a podium)

Eliot: She had a way of taking care of people, you know? She was a sister... she was best friend, all rolled into one. I'm gonna miss you, Soph-- So-O-O-O-O much, Katherine.

(Eliot leaves the podium. Hardison stands to let Parker walk by and she approaches the podium. Nate stands at the back of the crowd, Eliot joins him)

Parker: Katherine and I have known each other forever. Almost two years. Yeah, I know that probably doesn't sound like a lot to you, but it is to me. I never really had many friends. Which is why losing her is so hard. (sighs) It's so creepy. I mean, she's really dead. I was just talking to her and now she's just laying there. She was just laying there.

(Nate coughs and Hardison gets up to go to Parker)

Parker: Can you hear me?

Hardison: Parker. I'm -- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, y'all. What – What she really means is just, um, Katherine was like family. And sometimes, friends are all the family that you have. So... you -- you good? Come on. Just – let -- just keep going. You got all hysterical and emotional

- - - - -

btw there is at least one door from behind the briefing monitors which means they have at least one extra room (most likely more) from the adjacent apartment eliot knocked the wall down from

they have guest rooms or something back there for if anyone needs a place to crash

- - - - -

Sophie: We used to work together. We did the Copenhagen job in '97, the Berlin Polytech job in '98, and, Nate, remember – Remember that great run in Moscow?

Nate: "That great run"? I chased you for three months.

Sophie: Well, uh, technically, y-you chased us. Sorry.

Hardison: Are you saying that you saw other teams before us?

Parker: Really just another Nate before Nate.

Eliot: Let me ask you a question -- what bugs you more, is it the fact that he was with Sophie first or that he outsmarted you?

Nate: Moving on

eliot puts his arms over the couch and behind parker and I’ll take it + them grinning at each other seeing nate’s discomfort

- - - - -

mikel is wearing flannel in this one and you can now take bisexual mikel from my cold, dead hands

- - - - -

Sophie: Wrong place, wrong time. Starke must have seen me, and now that I’m one of the good guys, decided to get rid of me, because...why? Because... Because I know his scams. Because... I know his favorite scam.

[Warehouse]

(Stark’s team is sitting on crates looking at monitors as he goes over the job)

Starke: Cafe and a moonlit terrace.

Sophie (voice over): The Mona Lisa variant.

[Briefing Area]

Parker: Oo! (claps) That was the first one I learned!

- - - - -

(Hardison is drinking orange soda and working on a computer as Sophie watches)

Sophie: I'm not dead. I'm right here, Parker. So, this is, um, it's what you do, right? You take footage of us on cons and you -- you -- you -- download it into that?

Hardison: Yeah, I analyze it, I monitor comms, I scan for a police frequencies, I -- You had no idea I do all this, did you? Well – d-does nobody respect the van? The van is important. What -- What is that?

Sophie: It's lemon-Zest tea. I got to tell you, it's -- It's a little bit -- It's a little bit whiffy in here.

Hardison: It smells like hard work. That's what it smells like. D-- Whiffy

sophie has no idea what hardison does and does not like the van smell. hardison is ready to go off

- - - - -

Sophie: That was some nice things you said at my funeral.

Hardison: Wait. We -- We trust Nate to make sure the plan works. We trust you to make sure we’re all okay.

- - - - -

Starke: Word is on the street that you run the nastiest crew this side of the Atlantic.

Nate: Well… what?

Starke: Come on. Everybody knows. You robbed a bank and you -- you framed a judge. You rigged a jury to steal a million-Dollar settlement. I hear that you even conned the Irish mob out of a couple of million dollars just this year. Now, that's style.

Nate: That's one way of looking at it.

Sophie: Listen, Nate, if you tell him the truth about us, we're blown

- - - - -

Hardison: I know this style. This is Chaos.

(computer screen flashes signal found. Hardison grabs his keyboard and heads for the back door of the van)

[Parking Lot]

(Hardison exits his van and a little ways down the parking lot, Chaos exits his van with a laptop in his hands. They square off like an old west gun fight)

Hardison: Chaos. I heard you were in jail. Guess I was wrong.

Chaos: Hardison. I heard you sucked. Guess I was right.

(they eye each other across the lot, their fingers twitching. Abruptly they raise their keyboard and laptop and begin typing while car alarms start going off)

this wild wild west showdown tho

- - - - -

Nate: Okay, now, we know Starke. This guy goes by the name Apollo. I've chased him a couple of times -- infiltration, physical security.

Parker: People in that line of high-risk work tend to be very unstable. We could use that. Write that down.

(the rest of the team exchange glances)

🥰 she’s sitting next to eliot with popcorn between them 🥰

- - - - -

Hardison: Now, this person here's ex-Mossad, sealed records. Mikel Dayan used to work both sides as a mercenary.

Eliot: Mikel Dayan. I know that name.

Hardison: You were scared to fight a girl.

Eliot: She'd mop the floor with you, Hardison.

Hardison: I don't care.

Eliot: Seriously. She actually killed a guy once with a mop. It's a funny story, actually. (starts gesturing time parker) She broke the mop and took --

Hardison: Eliot. Eliot. (turns back to monitors) Now, this here's Colin Mason, otherwise known by his hacker handle as "Chaos." As... whatever. Hacked the pentagon, the NSA. The CIA computer guys call him the Kobayashi Maru.

Eliot: What the hell is that?

Hardison: None of y'all got that? Seriously?

Parker: Star Trek.

Hardison: Thank you

parker’s reluctant fistbumb I love them + it’s officially canon that she’s seen at least some of the movies

- - - - -

Nate: I tried to say to her I’m sorry, you know, and I don't –

Security: Because, as men, we're taught to hide our emotions. You share or you pay the price.

Nate: Yeah

- - - - -

Mikel: You wouldn't hit a girl, would you?

(Eliot walks forward, taking off his jacket and hanging it on some pipe)

Eliot (in Hebrew): Not unless she hits me first.

(they approach each other and begin to fight, blocking each other until Mikel hits Eliot in the chest, knocking him back. He touches where her blow hit.)

Eliot (in Hebrew): That counts

let me just say I LOVE that they had a woman hitter

- - - - -

Starke: What is going on, guys?

Guard: Motion sensors went off, sir.

Starke: I already checked that out. Everything's secure. And who's this?

Guard: Uh... he just got lost. No problem.

Starke: Sir, you okay?

Nate: Yeah, I’m fine.

Starke: I'm Nathan Ford. I'm with the insurance company.

(Nate gives Starke an irritated look)

- - - - -

Parker: What kind of bird did you use?

Apollo: North American Kestrel. It's small-Bodied, but its wingspan is expansive enough that it sets off the motion detectors.

Parker: I would've gone with the Scarlet Tanager. Similar wingspan, but the brighter colors are more distracting.

Apollo: Yeah. That was my second choice.

(Apollo scrambles forward in the ductwork. Parker also scrambles forward, headed another way)

- - - - -

eliot taking off his shirt too? equal rights

- - - - -

Starke: Now, why would you want to kill Sophie?

Chaos: Come on, Starke. (gathering equipment) I had set up the perfect double-cross, and then you want to go and bring in a new player at the last minute? "Oh, and by the way, guys, that new player is gonna be Sophie Devereaux." There's no way I’m gonna try to out-con Sophie Devereaux! And I hate to break it to you, Starke, but she was the one that everybody was always scared of. It was never you.

- - - - -

[McRory’s Bar]

(Parker and Apollo sit at a table with locks)

Parker: Go.

(they begin picking locks to see who is fastest. Across the room, Eliot and Mikel sit at a table)

Mikel: I can top that. (pulls her shirt aside to show a scar on her shoulder) Frag grenade, Somalia.

Eliot (pulls up his sleeve to show scar on his arm): Myanmar. Sniper.

Mikel: I was a sniper in Myanmar for a while.

Eliot: When?

Mikel: 2003.

(Eliot looks surprised. Mikel holds up the handcuffs and Eliot quickly pulls her hand down)

Eliot: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We can't have that.

Hardison (walking by): Handcuffs. Y'all nasty

(eliot has a handcuff kink and was probably pegged within an inch of his life that night. I said what I said.)

- - - - -

(Sophie stands looking down at her grave. The headstone for Katherine has been replaced with one for Sophie Devereaux. Nate approaches and stands next to the grave)

Sophie: Starke was right. I'm not Sophie Devereaux anymore. I haven't been for ages. I... you killed her, you and your silly crusade.

Nate: It's just a name.

Sophie: No, they're not just names, not to me. All my aliases, every one of them, I -- I know when their parents died. I know when they had their first kiss.

[jungxk]

// rant

i'm jus so heartbroken rn i've been crying for the past hour i jus need to put my feelings out there, i hope it's ok w you.

my mum wakes up today and jus starts berating me bc i didnt put washed dishes into the cabinets & the kitchen looked messy for her. i'm supposed to do it bc there's nothing else i actually do but yesterday i had woken up in the evening nd they called me to pray straight away so i totally forgot about it (coupled w the fact that i dont like doing it either cuz there's always sm dishes nd it's such a hassle). she jus started scolding me senseless nd im someone who doesnt get mad easily, even if i do i tend to stay quiet bc i dont like conflict & angry emotions are ugly. but i couldnt stop it today? she kept calling me selfish nd she's been calling me that the past few days as well bc i never help out w chores or anything. she's always asking me "what do u do for this family" or "what do u do in this house" every single time nd ofc i cant say shit bc i dont. i'm doing uni online nd it's really not that easy but bc i dont talk to my family like at all, they think i'm all good. the other day i pissed them off nd my parents straight up said "why do we need to pay for ur uni ure not doing anything anyway" & i jus... i didnt even know if i even deserve to feel sad over it. they were asking me what i wanna do after uni as if im not just in my first year & when i said im not sure they got so mad and my mum purposely said "just marry her off" to push my buttons into giving them an answer. they keep saying i'm pushing them into being the worst and saying the worst to me but how is that fair? they're parents? adults? i'm jus 20 & i can control my emotions? but today really jus pushed me she got so mad at me for the littlest things nd i jus exploded. I asked her why she's mad and she's like cuz of the kitchen bla bla bla nd it got so frustrating i told her it's not my problem nd i jus wont ever eat again since all the unwashed dishes piling is my fault. nd then she got mad at me for that and scolded me. I hate being touched but mostly i hate being hit. imagine getting hit at 20 years old bc my mother is too emotionally unstable that she cant take a few seconds by herself to calm her anger down. I hate it. nd bc i said it's not my problem she came nd told me "yea it won't be ur problem when i die too! i'll make sure when i do, u never come see me." jus... what kind of parent says that? i'm so careful w what i say & i slip sometimes bc i'm human but how can a mother say that? she doesnt know anything about me. she doesn't know i dont like being hit, she doesnt know i dont like it when ppl act impulsively on emotions. sometimes i feel like i really am the problem nd that i'm really selfish. spending shit ton of money to get me to study, maybe i am selfish. i dont mind it. i know myself well enough to hate things about myself. but to have parents who barely know me as a person rather than a daughter, getting this much mad at me for smthn so simple jus makes me so sad. bc i was doing the task when she asked. she does things like this then wonders why i cant ever talk to her. entire family thinks i'm immature bc i behave exactly how they treat me. 20 years. I never ask for much. but it's starting to feel like asking to study in the uk was my greatest downfall. it feels like i dont deserve this. every day i'm itching to get away, to live alone bc they've made me feel like i can never work well in groups. it's always somehow my fault as if they havent been invalidating me nd my feelings since birth.

nd i can never tell them all these bc i'm never confident in them. i'm never confident in whether i would be accepted nd comforted without ridicule or scolding. my brother & father tell me it's like that, that jus bc i may get a scolding shouldn't stop me from being open. but what kind of stupidity is that? my mother who makes me feel like the world is ending when i accidentally break smthn, that it wasn't an accident but rather it's me nd that i jus cant do a good job— where is the comfort i can ever find coming to her w a problem?

nd bc of that we're not close. bc of that she's closer to my cousins & everyone else really. they've never concerned themselves to talking about family issues w me but when i dont know, they shame me, saying i never bother to ask— how would i know when to ask? should they be telling me when there's smthn going on?

this makes the concept of family so repelling for me. there is inherently no reason to ever have a child that isnt selfish or self fulfilling. what they do as parents is to make them feel as important nd respected as they expect from the child. but it's never like that w south asians. emotions dont exist if ure the child nd apparently getting mad is a norm nd shouldn't stop u from being emotional w someone.

at times i tell myself that i should pay back every penny my parents spent on me. bc sometimes it feels like it's being used to make me act or feel a certain way. i dont wanna feel this way. theyre my parents, i know theyre good people. but i'm so hurt by the things going on nd the things from the past. my mother invalidates me sm. she more or less kinda blamed me for feeling useless and depressed last year. my brother was telling her to go easy on me nd she got so mad & frustrated bc she didnt know what she was doing wrong. "if she feels so useless why doesnt she do anything about it?" like that was such a golden chance for her to have comforted me nd i couldve opened up? but she ruined it nd hurt me again.

last year i lived w her alone nd my dad was in our home country. I was having some troubles w him gone but i dont call or text bc... it always felt like a drag. it never felt like a conversation nd the only time it did was when i complained to him about my mum. so much shit happened between my mum and i & this person advised me to jus write some of my feelings to her. so i wrote her a long letter nd i included saying how not having my dad was hard on me too. flash forward im in my home country & w my dad. i know nobody here bc i didnt grow up here. i'm doing online uni & basically have to stay indoors cuz of covid. she brings that letter up when she was to berate me nd it jus feels so uncomfortable for me? like ok my actions dont line up but i wrote that cuz i was looking for comfort nd understanding. if i knew it was going to be held against me, i would not have done it? "u said it was so hard for u without him, so what do u even do for him here now?"— what can i do? i'm just 20 nd the situation im in is not normal? i'm grateful to be w my dad again but what can i do? &it always freaking comes down to house chores. i try my best. when our maid doesnt come i do my best w my tasks. i know it's not enough but i jus... i dont even know. ig that part of me is selfish nd lazy.

it's so suffocating here. all my feelings are bottled up nd im so scared what that would do to me in the future. but at least i know i'm too selfish to ever spend the rest of my life w someone.

sorry for the long rant. i hope this didnt ruin ur mood or anything i jus need an outlet nd ur blog jus feels so comforting nd welcoming. thank u for listening to me nd my feelings. God bless u really kssjdjsj

i’m rlly sorry this is happening to you bby. idk what race u are but this sounds so much like that asian mentality where emotions are black and white and comfort in any way is out of the question. ur still rlly young tho so ur relationship with ur parents has room to improve i promise. i think it’s rlly important for u to move out whenever u can tho bc that’s what rlly improves the relationship. having said this i do think the way your mum talks to u/treats u is emotionally and mentally abusive so whether you want to uphold that tie with her in the future is ur choice i just rlly hope u get somewhere safe and away from ur family soon x

[sakurasangcl]

Nobody touch me im mentally unstable

[simptasia]

neurodivergence in abc’s lost

i’m gonna be listing off and talking about the canon neurodivergent characters in lost. i won’t be adding characters that i personally headcanon as neurodivergent in some way, what i’m writing here is elaboration upon what has been given to me by the show. please note that none of these people’s conditions or disorders were named in the show, so such diagnoses being named here are me taking that extra step based upon their symptoms

first of all i wanna point out that based on what i’ve seen the show, that the island’s healing powers applies to conditions inflicted upon the mind, not ones inherent to the mind. thats why daniel’s brain damage heals, but people like hurley and locke will always continue to have depression

hugo “hurley” reyes

schizophrenia and depression

our most prominently featured mentally ill character. it might seem bold to label him with schizophrenia when it’s never said that that’s what he has. but during his time on lost, he displays many of the symptoms: paranoia, pathological self loathing, delusions and hallucinations. now, it’s a fictionalized depiction of schizophrenia and that’s probably not even what the writers had in mind but it’s none the less a really, really good and respectful portrayal of it

it would take too long to list off all the times when hurley displays paranoia (heck, it’s easy not to notice how much its a part of his character) and self loathing. delusions? the situations regarding the numbers and his bad luck (canon never ever Proves what hurley believes to be true regarding that stuff)

they did an episode dedicated to hurley having hallucinations. a man named dave who drives him to self destructive behaviour, self hatred and attempted suicide. fun fact: when people with schizophrenia in real life have hallucinations, they tend towards just auditory. hurley gets visual as well as per Rule Of Drama. this is not a bad thing, just a narrative tool

(steering slightly into headcanon for a bit here but i personally ignore the dharma made Hurley Bird they revealed in the epilogue and just take hurley hearing that bird say his name as an auditory hallucination. for two reasons: one, hurley hearing/seeing things that don’t exist is already consistent with his mental state. and two, that bird literally, genuinely did not fucking say hurley)

extra notes

to be clear, in case there's confusion, hurley really does have magical powers. he can talk to dead people. that isn’t a delusion or hallucination. you can understand how confusing and distressing this must be for hurley

he's had a compulsive eating disorder since he was ten due to the pain of his father abandoning him. his struggle with this is well documented

at several points during the show he’s shown to have trouble spelling. he especially confuses his “y(s)” and “ies”. it’s not clear if this is due to poor education or a learning issue. or both, really. it’s safe to assume with him being poor, mexican and mentally ill, that school wasn’t easy for hurley

hurley has unjustifiably lived at mental health institutions on at least two occasions (the first time was against his will, second was volunteer)

john locke

depression

locke suffers from severe self esteem issues, and i know most lost characters do, but i mean to the point of irrational and destructive behaviour. he has an obsession with being deemed special in order to justify his existence. he also suffers jarring mood swings. (he can switch from calm and jovial to angry and defensive at the drop of a hat). when he was wheelchair bound, this threw him into a depression. when he failed to convince anybody to come back to the island, he attempted suicide. he would have gone thru with it too. he will go to extremes to make sure things stay the way he wants them to (killing an innocent woman so they can stay on the island, tying up and drugging boone so he won’t tell anybody about the hatch), and will fall into despair if he fails

also note that the things im saying about locke are not a comment on people with depression. i don’t think all depressed people kill and drug people. those were statements on locke’s character that i believe are a part of his mental state. my point is: he’s emotionally unstable and he tried to kill himself. and i think his extreme need for validation (from people and the universe in general) is especially concerning

to me, this all says to me that locke has clinical depression

locke isn’t as easy as the other people on this list to classify as Canon Neurodivergent but at least to me, i think it’s very obvious. like i feel bad being so vague but like, basically, watch any locke episode

daniel faraday

acquired brain damage, severe memory degradation as well as other neurodivergent behaviours (i’ll go into it)

he’s played by jeremy davies. enough said

okay, jokes aside. at some point in the past daniel and his assistant theresa were involved in some vaguely referred to time based experiments. while she was catatonicized, the accident left daniel severely brain damaged (also daniel spent years doing radioactive experiments without head protection, which would not have helped and indeed that is foreshadowing of this whole debacle)

apparently this left him in a state where he can no longer take care of himself, having been assigned a carer. his most outstanding symptom is that his ability to process short AND long term memory has been impaired

short term: he’s shown to have issues retaining memories from day to day. he wasn’t sure if he had met charles widmore already (he hadn’t). charles lays some exposition on him and when daniel asks why he’s telling him this, charles says, with sureness, that “because by tomorrow you won’t remember this”. counting on that to be an absolute fact seems silly to me but that does seem to the case. again, Rule Of Drama is in play here

long term: he can no longer access memories he formed many years ago, famously the memories he formed with desmond in 1996. all in all, this condition is highly plot convenient. can’t argue with results, really

no, i can keep going, i got more, this is daniel fucking faraday we’re talking about: his ability to remember 3 playing cards has been impaired (note that this is a skill most 4 year olds master), he forgot the secret code the science team were all taught and when he introduces himself to jack there is a long pause, in hindsight implying that daniel forgot his own name

like real life memory conditions, theres varying level to how much he does and doesn’t remember. he’s thankfully not in a 50 first dates situation and doesn’t forget everything day to day. clearly he remembers people if they’re around enough, like during his time on the boat. charlotte, miles, frank, naomi...

upon landing on the island, his memory slowly gets better (considering his condition beforehand, the fact that nobody comments on this is staggering)

when dan is fully healed? i could not say, i could theorize, but such things are nebulous. but still, the times we see dan without his brain damage, he still behaves like a neurodivergent person. just not like he was when he was brain damaged. he stims near constantly, has a tendency to repeat names and words (echolalia) and it’s shown that dan compulsively counts in his head. he counted up to 864 beats, if i remember correctly, which is about 10 minutes of counting in his head. by no stretch of the imagination is that neurotypical behaviour

(im not trying to sound defensive. and i don’t think anybody, anywhere, is arguing that daniel faraday is a neurotypical. unfathomable)

going into headcanon territory again, his ND traits, when not brain damaged, say to me that he’s autistic and/or has OCD and possibly anxiety. thats all theorizing on my part tho. but the fact of the matter is, damage or no, he’s neurodivergent

notes

his apparent need for tactile sensory input is legendary in the lost fandom. in layman’s terms: him pet pet. not just people but objects too. humans, overall, tend to touch things to process input better. many ND people do it more, and it seems daniel is a case of that (i am not making a solid statement on jeremy davies’ neuro state. that’s his business)

he shows an inability to properly process grief

he also shows shocking indifference to his own safety, resulting in reckless behaviour. how much of this is a result of his mental state or his upbringing is up for debate. i think it’s a combo of both

without his brain damage, he appears to have an eidetic memory

danielle rousseau

trauma induced mental illness

pretty self explanatory. the loss of her expedition, husband and daughter, as well as 16 years of loneliness (on THIS island) has resulted in emotional instability for danielle. she’s prone to paranoia, trust issues, irrational behaviour

she’s just not well. she’s right most of the time but she’s not well

libby smith

indeterminate mental state 

libby was institutionalized (the same place hurley was sent to) and placed on medication (which seemed like sedatives to me, based on her expressions). in the show it’s not what clear what put her there, but having just done some research, i’ve discovered that Word Of God says that libby became mentally unstable after the death of her husband dave smith. so this is probably another case of trauma induced mental illness. she must have had a pretty extreme episode to cause her to be sent to a place like that. something to think about

but alas, it’s libby, so not much info. moving on

benjamin linus

anti social behaviour disorder (is my best guess)

oof. depictions of mental illness with characters who are immoral are depictions of mental illness nonetheless. i feel almost silly saying this but: ben is not... okay

ben displays issues (at best) with empathy, compassion and morality. how much he cares about other people is highly debatable but one thing that's certain is that he does genuinely love his daughter. everybody else is ????

but the loving alex thing rules out him being a sociopath or having narcissistic personality disorder. and it is genuine because when he loses it with grief, it’s not a performance, because the only audience is us...

he’s a compulsive liar, lying even when it doesn’t benefit him. lying just because. ben is highly unpredictable, which isn’t inherently a neurodivergent thing, but when a person goes from a calm discussion to strangling somebody, all roads point to Uh Oh (i don’t know the technical terms for Uh Oh). many of his outward emotions are performed (the difference between his fake smiles and few real smiles is noticeable). he’s manipulative, he treats people like objects for his benefit/plans, he’s self absorbed, he has zero issues with murder unless it’s a child. he does have some moral standards. but overall, uh, [just gestures at ben]

also ben is repeatedly offended when other people don’t trust him, which is HILARIOUS, but also shows a cognitive dissonance on his part

hmm i need more here, im gonna break out the big guns

that’s some basic info there and doesn’t that line up with ben?

the article goes on to say that people with this can put on superficial charm. that is, behave friendly and “normal” when they have to. which ben is shown to be able to do

and this

“Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others.”

reminds me of his situation with juliet. and locke. and his “friendships” in general

i snipped the wikipedia article for this because unlike the rest i felt,,, underequipped to talk about this sort of thing

ben being mentally unwell is clear enough in canon and i think this disorder is what lines up best with it. please note that ben is capable of change and growth (like people in real life who have such issues) and like the show i’m not gonna paint him 100% evil or irredeemable. i’m just saying what’s true

notes

ben says at one point that he doesn’t dream anymore. it’s highly probably that this is a lie, but if it isn’t, well that's not good. it’d mean his brain isn’t entering into REM sleep properly, which can lead to emotional problems

ben doesn’t blink as much as most people do, something michael emerson did on purpose. this can apply to some neurodivergent people

it’s shown that he was quite nonverbal as a kid. in the flashbacks in “man behind the curtain” little ben barely speaks

honourable mentions

pretty much all the survivors suffer from PTSD due the trauma of the crash

a great deal of the characters suffer from PTSD from trauma in general due to their awful lifes. like, abusive parents, war, loss of loved ones, etc

and i must note that ben, daniel and locke suffering from parental abuse, ranging from emotional to physical, is something to factor into their cases

claire, similar to danielle, also suffered trauma induced mental illness due to the loss of her baby and feeling like she was abandoned

sayid is depicted as dead inside during season 6 due to The Sickness, so thats like a magical form of depression. and one could argue that he already had regular depression beforehand

boone joked about shannon having bulimia. (whether or not it’s true, boone is an asshole) if it’s true, shannon has an eating disorder, which is considered a form of mental illness. espech one so self image based

self harm

self harm is not an inherent part of mental illness but such concepts are often linked so i felt i should mention some of these, it’ll be quick

hurley’s aforementioned eating disorder

charlie takes heroin as a form of self harm (that isn’t a theory on my part, it’s clear as day that charlie started taking it because his sense of self worth was so low that the drugs felt like the only option)

locke, hurley, (both as mentioned above), jack, desmond, michael and richard have all attempted/nearly commited suicide

so what can we conclude from this? well that's up to you, really. that i love lost a fuck ton? that the actors and writing in lost is amazing? that all the neurodivergent based depth got saved for the boys? yeah

but i wanna conclude with this: a part of what makes lost really special to me is that these people i’ve talked out here? they’ve suffered, and oh boy it was tasty suffering, but all of them, yes even libby, were more than suffering

these people have nuance. one way or another, these people (to varying degrees) were happy at times. silly. funny. angry. opinionated. they loved. they were loved. they lived and breathed as human beings. that means a lot to me

lost is a story of broken people given a second chance. take that as you will

thank you for your time