#nonna speaks very little english but that's okay

[daemondaes]

     Another reminder that Christmas is huge for the Ciapetti-Martini family, and if you have nowhere else to go that day, you can swing by! They'll welcome you in like you're their own blood. They've always got room for an unexpected guest or three. Much of the extended clan also visits, so if you ever wanted to meet Cherry's nonna, who is even tinier and fierier than her, that's your best chance.

[changingplumbob]

York Household: Chapter 9, Part 10

In this part Kelly may be stood down from school for the day but that doesn't mean Aaron won't find them something to do.

CW: Mentions of body dysmorphic disorder and dysphoria

The Yorks are Italian so if you see them using words that don't look like English it's Italian, or what google assures me is Italian. Caro/Cara: Dear Buongiorno: Good morning Piccolo: Little one Tesoro: Treasure Nonno: Grandfather Nonna: Grandmother Si: Yes Grazie: Thank you Per Favore: Please Buon Compleanno: Happy Birthday

Kelly had asked Joey to speak to their family about her identity and, once Joey assured her it was fine, she joined the family for dinner.

Calista: Cara, I heard you got in a few fights today

Kelly was so used to being called caro, while cara was used for her sisters, that it took her a moment to realise her ma was addressing her.

Kelly: Si ma

Calista: Can we say the second fight may have had something to do with you being a girl?

Kelly: *sighs* Si ma. The dung brain said only girls needed to know about periods and stuff so I got mad and stomped on her foot

Deanna: I think that’s a sensible response even if you were a boy

Aaron: Deanna! Violence is never the answer

Joey: You say that like you don’t want us to get arrested

Aaron gave Joey a look that could melt steel.

Joey: Sorry pa, bad joke

Calista: I'll call your school and talk to them about separating kids by gender, in this day and age it's stupid. How about the first fight cara

Kelly: What do you mean

Calista: You were having trouble in English. Do you want us to get some help

Kelly: *sighs* That jerk was saying I had dyslexia but he doesn’t know what goes on in my head

Aaron: Still, it’s better to look into help now so you won’t be hindered at university

Deanna: Pa, she’s only just started high school

Aaron: Never too early to start thinking of the future

Aaron: But if you don’t want to talk about it tonight we can fit it in tomorrow

Kelly: What do you mean fit it in

Aaron: You don’t think I’m going to waste a day you’re not in school do you?

Kelly: I was kind of hoping to crash on the couch and play some games

Aaron steps up and pulls Kelly into a hug despite her protests.

Aaron: Cara, your ma and I love you. Very much. But a shift like the one you’ve started won’t be a simple one. We want you to get all the help available. I'm taking a vacation day and first stop tomorrow is a doctor who specialises in adolescents

Kelly smiles and tries her best not to tear up in front of her siblings, she has a reputation as an evil sim to maintain.

Calista: Are you okay Kelly

Kelly: Si ma. I just… wasn’t sure how you’d all take… me

Calista: Oh cara, like your pa said, we love you. We’re your family. We’re always going to be on your side

Kelly: Even if I kill someone

Calista: *laughs* Please try not to kill anyone *whispers* although I have a feeling that your pa would absolutely be your lawyer

Aaron: *laughs* Well don’t just go encouraging her to be a killer

After a hug with Calista Kelly lets out a celebratory cheer.

Deanna does not wake up feeling well. She gets dressed but can’t be bothered putting her contacts in today, glasses it is. She grabs some leftover cake and goes past Kelly and Aaron, barely taking them in.

Aaron: What’s wrong cara

Deanna: I have a horrible headache and feel like poop

Kelly: You mean you feel as bad on the inside as you look on the outside

Deanna: Probably

Kelly: No retaliation? *sighs* Just admit you don’t want me to have fun today

Deanna: You should be at school gremlin but you got in fights. Excuse me if I’m unimpressed

Kelly and Aaron head off while Deanna contemplates a nap rather than homework. What use are good grades if you’re dead?

Kelly: Why am I seeing him

Aaron: Harvey said his son had a good time

Kelly: Pa no one has a good time at medical appointments

Aaron: *sighs* maybe not but he said it helped him, how’s that?

Kelly: Guess it’ll do. So long as he doesn’t try to un evil me

Aaron: Tell him about the trouble you’ve had in class

Kelly: Si pa

Aaron: And tell him your family support you being trans because he’ll want to know

Kelly: Si pa. Think you can stop telling me what to do now?

Dr H: Kelly York?

Kelly: Yeah that’s me, this is my pa Aaron

Dr H: Nice to meet you. I’m Doctor Xander Hanks, the psychiatrist here. Will you be joining us Aaron?

Aaron: Kelly wanted to do this by herself if that’s okay

Dr H: Perfectly fine but I’d like to bring you in at the end to discuss next steps if that’s okay with Kelly

Kelly shrugs and walks herself into the office, choosing the couch that most faces the door. Dr Hanks sits down opposite her.

Dr H: Let me tell you a bit about myself. Following medical school I-

Kelly: Don’t care about you

Dr H: We can skip the pleasantries if you prefer

Kelly: You talk weird

Dr H: Why don’t you tell me why you’re here today

Kelly: *shrugs and kicks foot* They kicked me out of school for a day

Dr H: They? Why did “they” do that?

Kelly: The principal got batpoop mad because I punched one kid and stomped on the foot of another, but they had it coming

Dr H: Do you often have trouble with your temper Kelly

Kelly: I’m a teen. You're a professional, don't you know we have trouble with everything

Dr H: Anything you’d care to share

Kelly: Well ma and pa wanted me to come because…

Here she pauses. As hard as it was to tell Joey who loves her, telling a stranger is a harder task.

Dr H: Why don’t you tell me about why you got in the fights

Kelly sighs and tells him about Roger, the kid who teased her about her struggles in English class.

Dr H: Why did that upset you so much

Kelly: I don’t know. I can usually take a joke, I’m the first to make a joke after my friend Fergus. I guess… I was a bit worried he might be right. I survived middle school but now the words are longer and smaller and they can jam together sometimes in my head. But I’m not crazy!

Dr H: I wouldn’t call someone crazy Kelly. It is possible you have an undiagnosed learning disorder. I can send you to my colleague after this visit for an assessment if you’d like

Kelly shrugs noncommittally and Dr Hanks continues.

Dr H: What about the stomped foot incident

Kelly: I was trying to talk to my best friend Anya about what she learned in health because they separate the class boy girl style. I was curious, I mean I’ve only heard a bit, and this other girl took offense at me learning because I was a boy so she complained loudly then I stomped on her foot. That just made her scream more

Dr H: Was she unaware you’re trans

Kelly: *defensively* How’d you know that

Dr H: Forgive me if I’ve overstepped. Your father used the pronoun her when he ushered you in-

Kelly: I know this outfit doesn’t exactly scream natural girl but…

Dr H: And you said you were a boy when the disagreement happened

Kelly: Oh…. Right, I did… Sorry. I’ve only just come out to my family it’s still... difficult

Dr H: You have nothing to apologise for. I find the term “natural girl” to be unhelpful when talking about gender. If someone is the gender they were assigned at birth, they are cisgender. If they are not the gender they were assigned at birth, they are transgender. Have you heard that language before

Kelly: Here and there. I mean my friend’s older sibling is… oh shoot he did tell me the term…. Non something…

Dr H: Nonbinary?

Kelly: That’s it! So technically he, I mean they, are trans?

Dr H: *nods* You’ve got it. There are many ways to be female, just as there are many ways to be male, or both, or none. Was this why your parents wanted you to see me?

Kelly: Sort of. I mean I know I’m a girl but *sighs* I don’t know what to do about it. Transitioning just seems so big

Dr H: Maybe talking it out can make it a bit smaller huh

The two discuss the situation a bit more and when Kelly feels ready Dr Hanks retrieves Aaron from reception.

Dr H: Your daughter certainly knows her own mind. You must be proud

Aaron: I am. She can be a handful but I am

Kelly: Being stubborn has benefits okay pa

Aaron: I know

Dr H: After this I’m going to send you to my colleague who will do a learning assessment on Kelly. She may benefit from additional academic support. We have discussed possible next steps for her identity as well

Aaron: What are they

Kelly: Basically the government is stupid and science hates me

Aaron: I’m sure that’s not true

Dr H: There are scientific debates about at what age we can start on hormones and other physical interventions. At the moment the youngest age for medical transition is 16

Kelly: But he says I don’t have to do that if I don’t want to, any changes I make will be up to me. I say who I am, I'm in charge

Aaron is glad to see Kelly smile at this.

Dr H: There are many non-medical changes that can be made while she thinks about it. Kelly has already switched pronouns, she may want to change her name or her wardrobe. I’m going to refer her for therapy-

Kelly: He says I might get this thing called body dysmorphic disorder. Or anxiety, or depression or whatever

Dr H: Body dysmorphia can overlap with gender dysphoria so I like to make sure my trans patients have adequate support. I’ve prescribed some antidepressants which I think will be helpful as support during the transition period but I’d like to order some blood tests to make sure we don’t need to do any medical interventions yet

Aaron: What can me and her ma do

Dr H: Keep supporting her. She has expressed some anxiety about her personality traits. I would urge you and the rest of her family to remember her gender identity is not responsible for her personality or vice versa despite being a big part of who she is

Aaron: We can do that

The two get up to leave and Aaron is surprised when Kelly not only thanks the doctor but gives him a hug as well. Maybe her evil trait will be easier to balance with age.

Results of today’s medical appointments. Kelly has dyslexia and body dysmorphic disorder. Sorry it was a bit long, I didn't want to cut her off mid session.

Previous ... Next

[auroras-blend]

Fun facts about Emilio?

"Accurate" information from Nicky & Vittoria!

But seriously 😂 :

Emilio was born in Brooklyn, New York, March 11th, 1957. He's a Pisces ♓️

His mother's name is Giulia who ran off to America, got pregnant by an Irishman, ditched Emilio at her parents, and then got murdered. They think she's still alive!

Franco was very upset he was born out of wedlock.

He was raised by his grandparents and had an only child life until his cousins came to live with them in Italy.

Emilio has no memories of either of his parents

He's being groomed to take over the family business

Vittoria referred to him as "handsome"

Emilio has friends/a gang who he practices his mob boss skills on

Emilio is book & street smart. He speaks Italian, English, Latin, and French. His favorite subject is math.

He's his Nonna Angelica's favorite. Nicky is their grandfather's favorite

He and Vinnie Jr. are close! Gilbert will be a good friend of his later on

Emilio is a brat but he's helpful with baby Luca. He's kind of the designated bossy older sibling due to his age.

His family affectionately calls him "Mili" which he HATES

He, Nicky, Gilbert, & Vittoria will be their own little brat pack

Emilio and his cousins like to bake.

He hates cats now. It's okay. They don't really like him either 😼

He's 4 years older than Vittoria & 2 years older than Gilbert

His favorite food is baked mac and cheese with a coke.

Thank you for the ask!

[kamechan98]

Love At First Near Drowning Incident

In hindsight, Tony guesses it was just his luck that something like this happened on the first day of his vacation. He’d have such rotten luck since, well forever, that it just made sense that he’d almost kill himself on his time to recuperate.

He was visiting his grandparents in Positano, Italy, since they refused to ever visit him and his parents in America. And having just been released out of MIT for the summer, his nonna had been very quick to invite him to their house for the summer so they could spend some time together, as his parents were off to Tokyo for a business trip and would then fly to the Bahamas for a few weeks of vacation. And since Rhodey was going to spend his summer in LA with Carol and he didn’t want to spend his summer alone, he figured it’d be good to spend his summer vacation in this peaceful little village.

Peaceful? Hah!

Tony had been taking a small walk along the docks down by the harbor, taking in the clear blue water and colorful houses and warm bright sun. There were plenty of boats there too, most of them preparing for a full day of fishing or taking tourists out for tours to hidden beaches or other places around the coast. Tony had smiled, closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose, taking in the scents of salt water and felt in his bones that ‘This. This is home.’

And it was probably because his eyes were closed and his mind was elsewhere that it all came as such a surprise when he suddenly felt someone bump into him, pretty roughly too. It took him so by surprise that he ended up tripping over his own feet, stumbled over a long, taut rope that was keeping a boat tied to the dock and he fell into the water with a small yelp.

Tony had never been a particularly good swimmer. He had learned, obviously he had learned to swim, but he had never been too fond of swimming or water in general. But once he managed to get his head above water, he’d felt that the cuff of his jeans was caught on something and he couldn’t yank it free. And because of how deep it was and the fact that it was his cuff that was stuck, he could barely keep his head above the water. As he tried to pull his leg free and keep himself afloat with his arms, waves kept splashing into his face, mouth and eyes, making him swallow or accidently inhale salt water, which made him cough and splutter and made it much harder to keep his head above the water or avoid new waves, never mind calling for help.

In his swelling waves of panic, he heard a loud splash somewhere to his left, but he couldn’t see anything because of the saltwater splashing in his eyes. But he felt someone grab his ankle and yank on it and suddenly his leg was free and he started kicking and wave with his arms to stay afloat. Then he felt arms grabbing him around the chest, slightly under his armpits and hold him steady, despite him kicking and flailing wildly without being able to see, while still gasping, spluttering and coughing in wild panic.

“It’s okay. It’s alright, you’re safe. You’re safe now, I’ve got you.”

The voice was calm and collected, though there was a subtle undertone of fear in there too. He felt himself being pulled in one direction; one of the arms that held him let go of him while the other one held him steady. Tony started to relax and had stopped kicking and flailing, though he was still blinded and his eyes stung. And he jumped slightly when he felt his savior grab him in a rougher kind of bridal carry, but he barely had time to react before the guy heaved him up and onto the dock again.

For the first few minutes Tony was lying there, spluttering and coughing up saltwater and trying to wrap his brain around what had just happened and how fast it had happened. It all couldn’t have been more than five minutes, tops, but it had felt like an eternity before he was finally back up on dry land.

He felt a hand on his back, patting firmly to help him cough up the water and probably reassure him. “Hey, hey, it’s okay man. You’re alright, just cough it all up.” The voice was gentle, if a little awkward, but his presence did help a little.

He heard another splash and through his closed eyes saw someone block the sun for a few minutes, and felt another hand, on his shoulder this time.

“Are you alright?” The voice sounded very worried- and very American- but Tony was still coughing up water, but when he finally felt like he could breathe and his eyes didn’t sting so much anymore, he blinked a few times and looked up at his savior and-

Hellooo biceps. And triceps. And abs. And pretty much every other part of his body.

The guy was fucking gorgeous! He had the body of a Greek God (or would that be a Roman God, considering they were in Italy?); he was tall, well-built and strong with muscles in places Tony didn’t know existed. And the fact that his clothes were wet and clung to his body in just the right ways and showed of his muscles perfectly certainly didn’t help Tony’s staring. His hair was blonde- though it was lying flat against his head and face now, and shone like gold in the sunlight and his eyes were as blue as the ocean below them. Which Tony might have found ironic if he wasn’t so captivated by how handsome this guy was.

The guy though probably took Tony’s long silence as him not know English, because he suddenly looked a little wary and looked like he was trying hard to remember something, before speaking again, this time in Italian. “Uh… Parli inglese?”

His Italian wasn’t terrible, though his pronunciation was weak and a little stilted. It was clear this guy was a tourist and knew very little Italian other than a few necessary phrases that he needed to know. Tony huffed a small laugh, prompting another coughing fit and got up on his knees, brushing wet strands of hair out of his eyes and looking back at the Adonis in front of him.

He coughed again and cleared his throat before he finally started to talk. “You’re… you’re American.” It sounded more like a statement than a question, which was what he had intended it to be, but the Adonis seemed more surprised by the fact that Tony did in fact speak English and what he said than how he said it, so it didn’t bother him too much.

He straightened up and rubbed the back of his neck a bit sheepishly. “Oh. Uh, yeah. I’m here on vacation with my friends.” He pointed over at the guy behind Tony, who Tony had kinda forgotten about despite his hand on his back. The guy was also pretty buff, only a few inches or so shorter and had shaggy, shoulder-long hair and dark blue eyes. He smiled wryly and removed his hand from Tony’s back.

“Hey. I’m Bucky, and this lug’s best friend.” Bucky? What kind of a name was that? But Tony didn’t really want to ask and just nodded with a weak smile. Bucky was standing on his knees but was now standing up. “You okay now?”

Tony nodded and had finally stopped coughing. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks.” He turned back to the Adonis, smiling wryly again. “You didn’t exactly learn Italian in High School, did you?”

He smiled sheepishly and rubbed his hand on the back of his neck, a soft red blush coloring his cheeks. “Uh, I… no. No I didn’t, I took French. I don’t really know that much Italian.”

Tony smirked lightly, eyebrow raised in amusement. “Yeah, I can tell.”

He then smiled more genuinely and stroke his wet hair out of his face. “Well, I guess I owe you a thank you for saving my life just now.”

The Adonis smiled and then slowly got up on his feet, reaching out his hand for Tony to take and Tony gladly took it and let the Adonis help him stand up. Then he went back to looking kinda sheepish and a little guilty.

“Uh, well in that case, I guess I owe you an apology for bumping into you like that. I wasn’t looking where I was going and… well, I walked into you, I guess.” He tried to smile, but it looked very strained and unnatural. He then also seemed to realize he was still holding Tony’s hand because he dropped it very quickly. “I’m… I’m really sorry. Are you okay?”

Tony smiled reassuringly, if a bit cockily, and stroke his hair out of his eyes again. He folded his arms over his chest, leaning on his leg and looking into his big blue eyes.

“Hey, it’s cool. I’m alright, no harm done. And I would say it wasn’t so terrible, ‘cause now I’m talking to you, Handsome.”

Steve looked a little surprised at how forward Tony suddenly was and how quickly he had brushed the whole almost-drowning-thing off, but his smile looked more natural now and he took a step forward.

“Yeah? Well, I’m happy to be of service in any way I can, mister.” Bucky groaned somewhere behind Tony, either out annoyance or because of how corny the line was.

“Oh Jesus, Steve you really gotta work on your flirting.” The Adonis- or Steve- blushed even more and glared over at his friend, but Tony just smirked and took a step forward as well, shrugging off his wet, thin jacket, showing off his own well-defined arms and tan. And his smirk widened slightly when he saw how Steve’s gaze was suddenly drawn away from the best friend and was now directed at his body. Though the blush was still there.

“So tell me, Blondie, do you spend your vacations saving people from drowning or am I just lucky?” Steve smirked back and put his hands in his sides.

“Well no, not that often. I guess you’re just special.”

“Ooh, I’m flattered.”

Bucky rolled his eyes with another groan. “Well, I guess I’m not needed anymore. I’m gonna go check out what Natasha’s up to.” He turned to glare at his friend. “Maybe she can actually pay me some attention.” Then he walked away and Steve just waved him off.

“Later, Buck.”

They both laughed at their corny flirting and bizarre the whole thing had been, then the guy reached a hand for Tony to shake with a more comfortable smile.

“I’m Steve Rogers.”

Tony smiled back and shook his hand. “Tony Stark.” If Steve recognized the name Stark, he certainly didn’t show it, he just smiled and tucked his hands into his pockets.

“Well then, Tony, could I maybe treat you to some Gelato? As an apology for pushing you into the water.” Tony smirked at him and a small laugh escaped his lips.

“Well I was kinda hoping I could treat you to some Gelato. As a thank you for saving me from drowning.” Steve smiled, and damn, that smile was way more breathtaking than any smile had any right to be.

“I’ll pay yours and you’ll pay mine?” Tony chuckled and, despite still being soaking wet and his heart was still kinda pounding from the almost drowning incident, he felt totally date ready.

“It’s a date.”

[hyenasnake]

Dear Cousin

Another DuckTales fic but hopefully with better writing but probably not since I’m typing this at the ass crack of dawn. Enjoy.

•

Lena knew something was up the minute she saw the girl. The teenager was at the library with Webby and Violet, trying to find some movies and scary stories to watch and read at that night’s sleepover. She felt the feeling of being watched and a shiver ran down her spine. She turned to a fake plant and noticed a young girl, about eight or nine, quickly duck back behind the plant. Lena took a mental note to keep an eye on her.

Later, as the girls had moved on upstairs to find some Manga, Lena noticed the mysterious girl watching them from behind a shelf.

“Hey guys, I’m going to go grab some corn nuts.” She told her friends, discreetly nodding her head in the direction of the girl. Webby and Violet nodded in affirmation, knowing all too well she’d used the code word for “we’re being followed”. Lena left, walking right past the girl and finding a position to attack from.

When the young girl thought Lena was gone, she started creeping towards Webby and Violet, who were “innocently” looking at manga and definitely not on guard waiting to strike at any given moment. Lena seized her moment and put her hand over the girl’s mouth and restrained her before dragging her to a bean bag chair. Fortunately, the librarian on duty wasn’t paying attention, instead reading some cheesy dime store romance novel with a flustered face and a not-so-innocent smile on her lips. Lena pinned the girl down in the chair.

“Who are you and what do you want? And don’t try any coy acts on me, kid. I know you’re a De Spell. You reek of it.” Lena hissed, not trying to draw attention to them. The girl’s eyes widened. She really did look like a De Spell, stark white feathers and silky black hair that ran to just above her shoulders and big dark eyes. She worse a black romper with a red blouse and carried a plush raven. Lena was also correct in her “reeking” like one, she smelled of different herbs and spices and other magical ingredients.

“You don’t miss a mark, do you?” The girl said, no emotion showing on her face.

“I don’t miss a mark because I know what kind of ploy this is. I was part of it for fifteen years.”

“So you’re Lena, the failure? Auntie Magica said you were dead.”

“Your ‘auntie’ is a liar, kid.”

“It’s Minima. Minima De Spell.”

“Wow, she didn’t even give you a pseudonym. How creative. Guess she likes this puppet more than me.” Lena rolled her eyes.

“I’m not a puppet, stupida. Unlike you, I’m real. Hatched from an egg, grew up normally. I’m not some shadow dummy.”

“I have a friend over there’s who’s a master in at least three types of martial arts and I have the right mind to call her over so she can give you a very bad time just for saying that.”

“And what will it look like to the librarian when an innocent little girl is screaming for help because three older girls are attacking her unprovoked?” Minima batted her eyelashes innocently. Lena glared at her.

“You wouldn’t dare.” She hissed through her teeth. Minima gave a sly smirk.

“Try me.”

Lena sighed, knowing full well what this would ensue.

“Okay. Fine. Then you’re coming with us and you’re going to explain yourself.”

After 20 minutes and a lot of fussing from the younger girl, Lena, Violet, and Webby had Minima cornered in Lena’s old hideout.

“Name?” Violet interrogated.

“Minima De Spell.”

“Age?”

“Eight, turning nine in two weeks.”

“Birthday?”

“August 18th.”

“How are you related to Magica De Spell? Are you a shadow like me?” It was Lena’s turn to question.

“No I’m not a shadow. I’m her real niece. My dad is her brother but I haven’t seen him for years. He went on a magic mission and vanished so I’ve been staying with my nonna and my auntie.”

“What about your mom?”

“Died before I hatched. Never met her.” Lena felt a twinge of guilt in her chest.

“Why are you here?”

“To become Webby’s friend, get into McDuck manor and sneak my auntie in so she can have her revenge.” The gang groaned. Magica seriously needed something more creative than that same plot over and over again.

“Listen Minima. We’re going to let you go but you’re going to go home and tell your family you’ve been found out and you’re not coming back to Duckburg again. Understand?” Webby tried to intimidate the younger girl.

“Fine.” Minima shot back.

“Pink, Vi, can I have a minute alone with her?” Lena asked. The expressions of the two girls immediately softened and they nodded, going back up the ladder. Lena knelt in front of Minima.

“Look, I was Magica’s puppet for fifteen years. It was hell, okay? I didn’t understand what family was until I met Webby and the McDucks. Family isn’t supposed to use you to get revenge, family isn’t supposed to yell at you and slap you for doing something wrong, family isn’t supposed to put you down all the time. Family is supposed to lift you up and help you succeed, sure you fight a lot but you always make up because you love each other. Family isn’t necessarily the people you share blood with, but it’s the people you choose to be close with.” Lena explained, realizing how a year ago she wouldn’t have bought this junk either. “You’re still young and impressionable. You shouldn’t be put up to this kind of mission. You should be running around outside picking flowers or playing tag or dressing up some poor cat.” Minima laughed at that. “True family wouldn’t put a nine year old on such a mission with such an emotional toll. I can’t speak for your Nonna, since I never met her, but Magica sure as hell isn’t any family you want.” Minima looked at the ground, quiet as stone.

“She said if I help her she’d help me find my dad.” Minima said quietly. Lena growled. Of COURSE Magica would pull the “missing father” card in order to coerce this little girl to help her in a murder plot. Only Magica was twisted enough to do that. Well, maybe there were other people twisted enough but Magica was the only one Lena knew.

“Does your Nonna know about this?”

“No. I haven’t seen her in a year since my aunt took me.”

“Look, Minima. We’re cousins who have gone through the same thing. I can help you. You don’t need to listen to Magica, I’m sure Da-er-Scrooge can help us find your dad. I’m willing to help you, no conditions except that you give up this stupid mission and live out your childhood. Don’t make the same mistakes I did, Poco Cugina. Come home with me, okay?” She held out her hand. Minima’s eyes were filled with tears. She lept into Lena and hugged her, crying. Lena held her and rubbed her back.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Mi dispiace. Sono così dispiaciuto.” Minima sobbed into her cousin’s shoulder. Lena stood up and picked her up.

“It’s okay, little cuz. It’s okay. I’ve got you now. I promise.”

It nearly gave Scrooge a heart attack when he saw the girls come back with Lena holding a small child that looked suspiciously like Magica De Spell. When Lena explained the situation, he seemed to soften. He called for Beakley to take Minima and clean her up. Lena went with them while Webby and Violet set up the sleepover stuff. They were able to get her cleaned up and into some of Webby’s old pajamas and put a hot meal in front of her, which the young girl ate as if eating would be illegal the next day.

The rest of the night was all laughs, screams, and pillow fights with little sleeping. It seemed Minima didn’t have as much trauma as Lena and they were finding out new things about her every minute. That night, as they were falling asleep with Minima curled up in a fetal position snuggled between Lena and Webby, Lena went over the list in her head.

Minima De Spell. She was almost nine years old. She was an orphan. Her favorite color was red. Her favorite food was Grilled Cheese made on a panini press with tomato soup. Her favorite board game was candy land. Her favorite card game was Uno. Her favorite movie was The Road To El Dorado (when Webby heard this she enthusiastically promised to coerce Scrooge to take them there someday so Minima could see the real place). Her favorite book was The King Of Ireland’s Son. She was a second year in Magic Primary school and could turn Pens into Flowers. She was awesome at pillow fights (seeing as she could charm the pillows to go after her victim of choice, hitting them repeatedly until she gave the command to stop). She spoke Italian and English and could read Sumerian. She was just a little girl who was forced to grow up too fast. She was Lena McDuck’s little cousin.

[lostfae]

wjdjfjdjjsjdd answer all of the fruit asks i dare u

Fine but i dare u to do them all too! Apple: What is your favorite genre(s) of music?

I don’t really have a favorite! I’ll like things from a variety of genres! I guess I like softer songs rather than louder songs a lot of the time, but it really just depends on the mood! I have a weakness for good anime/vocaloid songs too cause im a weeb.

Dragon Fruit: Do you wear makeup?

Nope! I tried to for a few months in 9th grade but i never really learned how to do it well and i dont have time in the morning. Also idk it just feels weired having stuff on my face.

Passion Fruit: Have you ever been in love?

Wooqhwvsaijabwvwoqkwnwkjwkwhdhskwnw

Orange: Do you prefer hot or cold weather?

Cold!

Pomegranate: What is your sexuality?

Queer/lesbian!

Grape: When did you have your first kiss?

Not yet!

Lemon: Share a weird dream that you’ve had.

I have a lot of weird dreams but the one most fresh in my mind is the one from last night. Okay so I went to Japan with school or something and we had dinner somewhere and then we wanted dessert! So then I was like, hey i saw this place at the end of the corner thats a bakery we can try it. So we go there but its actually kinda like a food court, which has two bakeries? Everyone goes to the first one since its the one they see first, but i know the other one is better so i go there with like one other person instead. I see they have cannoli which i really want, but its like 8.75 for one canolli and im like wtf thats too expensive! So i go back to the other bakery and this really nice college-aged lady starts helping me there. I ask about all the cannoli variations and prices and she tells me. She speaks very good english for a japanese women in japan and she seems proud of that. They have a lot of cannoli, including cannoli thats shaped like hard tacos and cannoli with chocolate shells and chocolate cream. I get a sample of part of the chocolate shell and its alright, not amazing. I look at the prices and theyre still all like $8 though and im like ugh. But then i see a deal where u can get 5 mini cannoli for $12 and im like !!!!! Yes thats what I want and then that part of the dream ends as i get my mini cannoli and thank the nice lady for being patient with me.

The second part of the dream includes getting back to America, getting invited over by two people i look up to, performing tasks as I traverse each layer of “hell”, fighting tree people with swords who want to kill me, defending myself with farm tools, locking doors, and a probably demon police man who is somehow always involved in matters like these. But I won’t talk about that since i’ve written so much already and its nowhere near as weird as $8 Japanese Cannoli.

Banana: What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

My favorite flavor ever is chocolate cake batter which they used to have at an ice cream place in my town that closed down years ago :( 

Lime: Do you have any sideblogs?

Yes, but i don’t use them.

Kiwi: Do you have any pets?

Kacey- the beautiful and magical brown tabby cat that keeps me alive every day!Phil- huge light orange tabby demon cat with two large bald spots who likes to cuddle by trying to lay on your chest when ur busy and wont stop licking you. Delphie- small white bichon whos scared of everything and likes to bark. Gets excited when people she loves plays with her.

Blueberry: Recommend 5 blogs for me to follow. Some good people with good blogs are @skippyskiddo@the-lily-princess@mutantfightclub@turntechprompto@megg-the-egg

Grapefruit: Do you cry easily?

Very

Mango: Have you ever dyed your hair?

Nope but I think it would be fun to do!

Blackberry: Recommend 5 songs for me to listen to.

lmao my music taste is non existant but here are some songs that have been important to me at one point or another or that i just plain like… All The Rowboats by Regina Spektor- https://youtu.be/2CZ8ossU

Jump by Laura Shigihara- https://youtu.be/vOog-J06vUw

No Logic English Cover by rachie- https://youtu.be/J8-X6LOu11g

Sayoko Acoustic English Cover by JubyPhonic- https://youtu.be/qHpzKJvLXXM

Yuuki Yesterday English Cover by JubyPhonic (this ones part of a larger series/story buts its still really good even when u dont know everything! Tbh i recommend watching all the vids or the anime its rly good!) - https://youtu.be/E3oT5s7fKbY

I have a lot more too if u ever wanna know what i listen to!

Peach: What do you do when you feel overwhelmed?

Cry and take a nap

Plum: What is your favorite childhood memory?

I don’t have a favorite but one nice thing to remember is when i used to make cannoli with my Grandma/Nonna!

Raspberry: Recommend 5 movies for me to watch.

Sorry but I require u to watch both High school Musical and Camp Rock. Sorry i dont make the rules. Also did u see Princess Protection program that was another disney classic!

If u haven’t seen My Neighboor Totoro or Kiki’s Delivery Service those are two of my favorite ghibli films!

Strawberry: Recommend 5 TV shows for me to watch.

Okay here are a few that I haven’t reccomended already to you (and i already reccomended a lot lmao)

Mekakucity Actors- this is the anime that is based on the vocaloid series that that one song I recommended to earlier! Its kinda confusing sometimes but idk i rly love it???

Flying Witch- rly nice, calm, and with cute cats???

Little Witch Academia- my favorite anime that came out last year! Happy and exciting with great music, characters, animation, art, and kwkwksoskejrjrjd.

Flip Flappers- more gay magical girls???? U know thats my favorite genre!!

Anohana the flower we saw that day- Really good drama and one of the first things I watched??

Okay I did it all and now u have to too!!!

[louisonurmark]

If you’re a keen follower of Along Dusty Roads, you’ll know that we fell a little bit – okay, a lot – in love with Puglia during last year’s road trip.

And for good reason.

This delightful region of Italy, with its stunning coastline, cute little towns and villages and oh so very Italian way-of-life has everything one would hope to find – whether it’s your first time in the country or sixth.

As with every holiday however, knowing a little more about what to expect (and some insider tips from people that have already been) can be the difference between a good trip and a great trip. So, that’s where this post comes in.

Keep on reading to discover 17 really useful things to know before visiting Puglia.

THE FOOD, ALTHOUGH DELICIOUS, IS PRETTY STANDARD THROUGHOUT To those that have travelled extensively in Italy, this won’t come as a surprise. Cuisine here is fairly regional, with most restaurants serving a variation on a theme all year round.

Now, don’t get us wrong, food in Puglia is delicious. Seafood is plentiful and freshly caught in almost all towns, pasta is handmade, the pizza is divine, olive oil is local and we never met a piece of bread we didn’t immediately inhale. There’s no denying however, that it can get a little repetitive. Not a problem if you’re only in the area for a week or so, but if you’re travelling for a couple of months, cooking for yourselves may become more appealing.

For any vegetarians out there, you’ll be pleased to know that this is not a difficult region to find plant-based food, and even in the fanciest of seafood restaurants you’ll find a bowl of orecchiette pasta with a tomato sauce.

LIFE FOLLOWS A SLOWER PACE… This is a part of the world where the beating heart of community is set firmly in the past. This means long siestas, shops opening early in the morning and late afternoon (but not in between) and a true sense that however much of a rush you may be in, it really makes very little difference to those that live here.

Sure, it can get a little frustrating when you want to be productive in the afternoon, but instead of fighting it, go with it. Do your sight-seeing in the morning and save the afternoon for beach time, have an extra scoop of gelato for your afternoon treat to tide you over til your late dinner and generally do what the locals do!

…AND EVERYTHING IS JUST SO ITALIAN Yeah, we know this sounds ridiculous; we were in Italy afterall. However, having previously only spent time in Rome, Venice and Milan, we weren’t prepared for just how Italian Puglia would feel.

Elderly nonnas chatting on the side of the street (each sporting identical haircuts), ‘Ape’ trucks still being used, as, well, trucks, vespas EVERYWHERE and groups of old men playing cards in the late afternoon sun. It was like watching a movie – and all kinds of fabulous!

YOU REALLY DO NEED A CAR As travellers who have spent many an hour (or day) on buses, we’re strong believers that you can reach most places with public transport.

Puglia, however, may be an exception to this rule.

Sure, there are trains and local buses, but using them exclusively to get across this varied region is going to take more time than most travellers have. It also means you may miss many of the small coves and cute little towns that make Puglia so wonderful.

Thankfully, car rental doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg. In fact, we got a rental for 10 days for just £250 – including insurance. If you want to know more about our experience and tips for a road trip in Puglia, read this post.

THERE’S AN ABUNDANCE OF ITALIAN TOURISTS Although Puglia has not yet experienced the explosion of tourism so faced by the likes of Cinque Terre on the opposite side of the country, the days of it being an off-the-beaten-track destination are firmly in its past. In fact, after we’d booked our flights and started doing some research, it seemed like everyone was off to Puglia this summer!

There is a silver lining however – outside of Polignano a Mare, the vast majority of tourists are Italian, which means that although there’s still a healthy dose of grey nomads and tour groups, at least you’ll still feel like you’re in Italy.

IT EXTENDS FAR FURTHER THAN OTRANTO… When we were researching this trip, it took some time before we released just how large the region of Puglia was, as most people who had blogged about it stuck firmly to the east coast.

In many cases this was a time-related thing – after all, if you only have three days, you don’t want to spend hours in the car. However, we just want to make clear that there is soooo much more to Puglia than just Polignano, Ostuni, Alberobello, Lecce and Otranto!

If you’ve got more than a couple of days, we implore you to head all the way around the coast, especially if you’re a beach lover.

THE LIDO IS KING – AND BLOODY CONFUSING And, if we’re honest, kind of annoying.

There are some fabulous beaches in Italy, and we happen to be of the opinion that everybody should have access to them. Unfortunately, in Puglia (as in many areas of Italy), large sections of beach along the coast are either completely inaccessible without paying a fee (many of which tout themselves as beach clubs), or covered in privately owned pay-to-play sun loungers which means that those of us that make do with a oversized sarong and artfully crafted piles of sand have no choice but to bed down together along narrow slithers of sand that provide ‘public access to the sea’.

It’s a thorny issue in Italy, and whilst you may see some brave Italians placing towels right at the water’s edge, directly in front of the sun loungers, technically they’re on private property and could be moved along. It unfortunately meant that we pulled up to what we thought as a beautiful beach area, only to find it a horrendous explosion of signs, sunbeds and people, meaning we didn’t even get out of the car.

If the somewhat nuanced rules of these beaches become a little too much for you, consider visiting one of the ‘free beaches’, or spiaggia libera. Although significantly rarer, they at least allow you the opportunity to plonk your towel wherever you damn please!

YOU HAVE TWO AIRPORTS TO CHOOSE FROM Flying into Puglia? You have two choices – Bari in the north, and Brindisi about a two and half hour drive further south.

For those travelling from the UK, Bari is the obvious choice. The flights are more plentiful and a little bit cheaper but in all honesty, if you’re doing a full Puglia-loop, it really shouldn’t matter which one you fly into, or out of.

Oh, and you do know that ‘Apulia’ is just ‘Puglia’ in Italian right?

To check flight availability and prices, click here.

YOU CAN STAY IN A TRULLI The trulli dotted across the Puglian landscape are a curious structure. Present for hundreds of years, these cone shaped dwellings have a history that although widely discussed, continue to mystify historians as to their true origins. Were they the result of Greek invasion or deforestation? Or could it be the heavy tax laws of the 17th century, when any permanent structure incurred a significant levy – being able to topple your trulli with the removal of a single keystone would have been of tremendous benefit to poor farmer!

Perhaps we’ll never know, but that doesn’t make their existence – and experience – any less of a Puglian must.

If simply visiting the trulli-heavy spot of Alberobello isn’t quite enough for you (and in another post, you’ll understand why this may be the case…), consider staying in one overnight.

FOR A QUIETER TIME, AVOID AUGUST This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. Kids all over the world have holidays during specific months of the year – choose to take yours at the same time and you’ll be sharing the beach with noisy adolescents and everything from restaurants to boat tours will be chock-a-block with tourists.

Obviously, we’re not saying that to avoid the crowds you have to head over to Puglia in the dead of winter (although we’re sure it would lovely, that ocean deserves to swum in!), but by opting for late June or mid-September, you’ll get the fabulous weather, but with fewer people, cheaper prices and emptier beaches! THERE’S NO ESCAPING THE ‘COPERTO’! The first few times we ventured to a restaurant we couldn’t understand why we were getting charged an additional fee. We’d established that there were service charges levied in many restaurants but the rules of their application didn’t seem clear – a google search revealed all…

The vast majority of restaurants in Italy (and almost all we came across in Puglia) charge something called a ‘coperto’. This is an additional fee, charged per person, that is applied to the bill irrespective of what you eat, how much you spend and where you sit. Generally it ranges between one and two Euro per person, which may not seem very much if sitting down for a large evening meal, but will make you think twice if just nipping in for a quick cheap and cheerful lunch. The charge should be noted in the menu or signs outside.

Note that the coperto tends to increase the closer you are to big tourist destinations or plazas – yet another reason why it’s always a good idea to explore some hidden streets! It is also almost certain to be higher (or supplemented by a ‘terraza’ charge) if you choose to dine in the outdoors space provided by a restaurant, rather than inside.

YOU CAN NIP ACROSS TO MATERA When we were planning the first leg of our road trip, one place kept popping up – Matera.

This remarkable city, one of the longest inhabited in the world – and soon to be the European City of Culture – is a no-brainer when planning your Puglia road trip. Of course, it’s not actually in Puglia (something that embarrassingly took us a while to realise), but don’t you dare let that put you off.

We’ve created a lovely little guide to Matera, full of things to do, where to stay and how to get there – and of course, lots of pretty pictures!

ENGLISH IS NOT THAT WIDELY SPOKEN Not a surprise given that it’s not an English speaking country, but definitely one to note if you’re used to travelling in the north of the country or other popular tourist destinations in Europe.

The larger hotels will be fine, as are hostels, and fancier restaurants should have at least one member of staff who can speak English. But in small eateries, tiny towns, petrol stations, even our car rental depot, we had to rely on our limited Italian.

See it as a fun way to learn a little more about a country, spend some time before your trip learning some basic Italian (a phrase book might come in handy – this is the one that we got) and have fun chatting with locals – you’d be amazed how far a little of the local language can go!

YOU’RE BETTER OFF MAKING YOUR OWN BREAKFAST Breakfast in Puglia (and perhaps all of Italy) is not a fancy affair. Sure, you can have a glass of guilt-free prosecco at ten in the morning – and trust us, we saw this happen A LOT – but beyond this, it’s croissant and coffee. Fine on the odd occasion, but if you’re anything like us, when we holiday we actually enjoy having a big breakfast of eggs, fruit and all the trimmings.

That’s why we love to stay in accommodations with a kitchen – be that a hostel, an AirBnb or hotel-apartment.

ALWAYS STAY IN THE OLD TOWN Every single town and city in Italy has an ‘old town’, a wonderful place of crumbling facades and labyrinthine streets, now returned to ancient splendour by those who left for the new town many years ago.

Naturally, this is where the tourists flock, and for short stays, by virtue of sights and amenities, where you’ll likely spend most of your time. It’s practical – but they’re also so beautiful.

IF YOU STAY OUTSIDE OF THE BIG TOURIST CITIES, PRICES CAN BE PRETTY CHEAP Not long after booking our flights, we began the arduous task of weighing up various accommodation options – unfortunately, that search began in Polignano a Mare. Not keen to shell out a small fortune, we couldn’t believe that the best Airbnb could offer for £100 a night was a shoddy looking apartment in a not-so-great location. We thought Italy was supposed to be more affordable than that?!

It wasn’t until we began searching elsewhere in the region, in tiny towns we’d never heard of – tiny towns many Italians had never heard of – that we discovered exactly how far our money could go.

Obviously, if you’re in Puglia on a short trip (especially if you don’t have a car), you’ll inevitably end up in the larger tourist spots, but if budget is a real concern, do look around. Simply heading a few kilometres out of town or opting for a beautiful place in the countryside can save a small fortune and open up some amazing travel experiences.

THERE’S EXCELLENT WEATHER ALL YEAR ROUND We visited in late September and were amazed at just how wonderful the weather was. Beach days are shorter than the height of summer but with plenty of days breaching 28C we had ample opportunity to top up our tans, and bar one stormy day in Gallipoli, never had to change our plans because of bad weather.

And whilst the winter months certainly require a jumper or two, you’ll still be able to enjoy most of what the region is famous for – just with a little more time to discover pretty little towns rather than secluded coves.

17 REALLY USEFUL THINGS TO KNOW BEFORE VISITING PUGLIA If you're a keen follower of Along Dusty Roads, you'll know that we fell a little bit - okay, a lot - in love with Puglia during last year's road trip.

[thatz-not-okay]

Can I tell my 14-year-old neighbor to stop singing because she sucks?

My neighbor in the apartment unit next to mine has a young girl who loves to sing at the top of her lungs. Her room is adjacent to mine, but I can hear her throughout my whole apartment. Problem is she is absolutely horrible, and has kept her selection to just a few random very overplayed songs. It starts as early as 7:00 am on Saturdays, and goes past 10:00 pm on weeknights. I work and go to school full time and she wakes me up regularly. I've tried talking to her parents, but they're not around much and don't speak English. I've talked to my landlord but there's not much he can do because it's not his building. I don't want to call the police because she's just a kid. Only other option is walking over there and telling her myself to stop, which I feel at her age may be dream crushing and mildly traumatizing. Is that okay?

Thatz okay.

You can ask her to cut down on the singing without telling her she is a no-talent hack with humdrum song selection.

Why are you so afraid of this 14-year-old girl?

The number of people to whom you have either directly appealed or considered involving at this stage is staggering. Good move thus far resisting the temptation to call the cops on your lonely 14-year-old neighbor. ("Hello, police? We got a girl here singing Kelly Clarkson but without the undeniable talent and stage presence of Kelly Clarkson.") But why did you complain about the noise to your landlord if the noisy tenants reside in a different apartment unit? He's the landlord for your building, not the block RA. I can only assume you first took your issue you to the governor, who informed you it was not really his jurisdiction, and have been working your way down ever since. In a few more rungs (mayor, comptroller, junior city council member), you'll hit the lowest person on the ladder—the 14 year-old-girl herself. Then you can start making progress.

While it is impressive that a member of today's youth population is industrious enough to wake up at 7:00 a.m. on Saturday and greet the day with a song, keeping things quiet before 10 a.m. on a weekend is a pretty standard neighborly courtesy. Your first move should be to politely address the issue with the elusive chanteuse herself. (You're right that she might find this experience mildly traumatizing. Any interaction with you is likely to come off that way, because you sound a bit unhinged. But traumatic experiences teach us to avoid repeating certain behaviors.)

The next time an opportunity presents itself, pay her a visit. Say something like, "Hey, I live next door and I love your singing, but do you mind if we keep it between 10 and 7? These walls are pretty thin." Don't try to impress her by telling her you work and go to school full-time; if she's 14 years old, she probably goes to school full-time too. (Unless she dropped out to pursue a singing career in her apartment.) Don't critique her "random, overplayed" song selection; presumably your issue would not evaporate if she expanded her repertoire to include Smiths B-Sides. Don't tell her the truth about how much you hate her singing. It won't make you feel better.

This past Sunday, I was awoken at dawn by a young neighbor's performance of "Let It Go" from the 102-minute "Let It Go" commercial Frozen. At 4 years old, she hasn't yet grasped the difference between singing and reciting an uninflected selection of memorized words at maximum volume, so she opted for the latter. As a one-time thing, it was hilarious, but if commanding the block to "LET. IT. GO. LET. IT. GO," became a daily ritual, someone (a less heavy sleeper) might feel compelled to intervene. I hope they wouldn't lead off with "You know what you need to let go of, Zoë? YOUR BROADWAY DREAMS."

After you've made a good faith effort to resolve the issue politely, face-to-face, don't underestimate the power of a simple wall-knock. While, unfortunately, there is no way to make it sound anything but hostile (don't get cutesy by venturing into "Shave and a Haircut" territory unless you want to start a playful knocking club), this is probably the most immediately effective way to indicate a preference for a noise reduction in close quarters.

Above all, remember that a 14-year-old girl is probably more intimidated by you than you are by her. The meanest thing she can do to you is roll her eyes, sigh, and close the door without speaking.

I work at a small pizzeria where my shifts and work duties often coincide with those of this girl. I really like working/talking with her, but it seems that she wants to take things to the next level: yesterday she left a message for me at the cash register that said "ASK ME OUT ALREADY!" (I should note that the computer is set to use all-caps by default.) This would be great under different circumstances! There's only one problem: I like schlongs, not vajayjays. I want to deal with this in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings and preserves the great relationship we already have. My mom suggested that I meet up with her and explain to her that, regrettably, I am simply too busy with my various jobs and studies to engage myself in a relationship. But half-truths make me a little uncomfortable. I'm considering meeting up and telling her that I'm, you know, G-A-Y (though I have no idea how to go about broaching the subject), but that I'd love to hang out with her as friends only. Is that okay?

Thatz okay.

You know what other apparatus is set to use all-caps by default? This girl's heart.

Your coworker wasn't just leaving that message at the cash register for you. She was leaving it for the new friends you two would go on make at couples-only dinner parties; for the 80 or so tippled wedding guests who would chuckle merrily at her maid of honor's (deftly ghost-written) celebratory toast; for the daughter you two would raise, who one day would need to have her confidence boosted by an inspiring true anecdote about the rewards that can be reaped when you just put yourself out there.

She is living a romantic comedy in her mind. The problem is, she thinks she's in the middle of the movie—when the heroine captures her fella's heart with a bold, zany gesture—but, in fact, she's in the beginning—when the heroine makes a gay guy slightly uncomfortable by hitting on him big time, and then falls down.

It sounds like you guys have great chemistry and the potential for a close friendship. Maybe one day she'll find herself telling the story about the time she tried to pressure you into dating her at your wedding to the man of your dreams. (Maybe your new husband will sigh through a teeth-gritting smile. "Of course Kayla's speech is about Kayla." Maybe you will cover his hand with your hand and whisper "Hey, come on—it's just how she is. Relax. I love you.")

Any confident little crab who would take it upon herself to pepper a communal workspace with adorkable "KISS DE GIRL! :* " reminders will probably not be too shaken up by the fact a boy she liked is gay. Having a crush on a gay man is a rite of passage for young women. For this ballsy girl, asking out gay guys might even become a lifelong habit. You being gay is not an insult to her. (Though you should allow for a momentary disappointment when she learns you have no interest in becoming her boyfriend.)

Your mother should not be advising you to lie to this girl. This isn't an episode of Modern Family. It's a Domino's. If you follow your mom's advice and tell your friend you are too busy with "various jobs and studies" to date her, she will almost certainly know you are lying and, worse, she will assume you are lying because you don't want to date her. In fact, telling her you don't want to date her because you are gay is the kindest thing you could say to her. It removes all fault.

The one thing you shouldn't do is plan a dramatic meet-up where you will break the news. This would force her to become excited for a date that is, in fact, a one-on-one coming out party. (Leg shaving is the rare activity that manages to be both boring and dangerous. Don't make her do it for no reason.)

Instead, one day at work, casually mention that—apart from piping hot pizza pies just like Nonna used to make—you don't want what she's selling. The good thing about how things have shaken out so far is that you now have a chance to be playful back. Maybe leave your own note on the register: "I WOULD <3 2 BUT I'M GAY EXTRA BREADSTICKS."

Repeat the sweet things you said in your email about how you'd love to hang out with her as friends, but cut the terms "schlong" or "vajayjay," as their usage will only make everyone feel uncomfortable.

Do it ASAP before she becomes overwhelmed by the imagined sexual tension.