#not that i would ever not respect a trans person for their name choice

[ttransthirteen]

i know this is a)mean and b)extra dumb because I also have the exact opposite complaint but im always baffled by trans people with ugly names... i know thats mean i know.... but i just met a trans woman a little older than me named prudence and i want to study her like a bug

[correctproseka]

Ensekai really really fumbled the bag in Mizuki's storyline by using they/them pronouns and i can prove it

Ok so, ill start this by saying this does NOT mean that Mizuki's gender can't be "nonbinary" or that they cant use they/them. In the end it'll just mean that most of the characters would not know that at this point in the story and all views on mizuki, trans girl or nonbinary are objectively correct so far.

That ensekai fumbles translations is something we all know, the event names for example, a huge one is going on as i write this. Why the fuck is it not pandemonium like everywhere else??

Other fumbles we can't really blame ensekai for, song translations, as weird as they can seem, are chosen by the voca-p themselves

(even if they make it sound way more aggressive)

But on the stories? I complain a lot, they make the characters not look as gay, sometimes change their personality slightly and.

Sometimes. It kind of nearly ruins the story, which is Mizuki's case.

So, WHY did ensekai do that, and why is it different on jp?

Well, for starters, japanese does not have pronouns in the same way english does, they DO need to use pronouns instead of . "Mizuki said mizuki wanted this" every single time, so no pronouns, for a rhythm game is out of the question.

And they thought that they/them was a second best choice.

In japanese games and anime, people tend to see a gender funky character and immediately go for they/them, for one. But also not really the only reason.

The reason might have been the two usages of pronouns in japanese.

Introduction and character reference.

So, to introduce themselves, Japan uses a few pronouns such as atashi, watashi, ore, boku... Boku is a masculine leaning pronoun, and the one Mizuki uses. Its not the most masculine (from the ones i said, that would be ore) and in cases can be considered gender neutral, and sometimes, rarely, girls use it. Mizuki is one of these girls.

Another one is Rui, who's the only one to know Mizuki from middle school, calls them "Mizuki-kun". -Kun is ALSO male aligned but can be used gender neutrally, but there's also a difference here. Rui calls EVERYONE -kun, Shizuku, Saki, Emu. You name it. He uses -kun for everyone. So thats not a valid reason.

Another question you can have is: did ensekai ever use a different pronoun for Mizuki?

And the answer, surprisingly, is yes. Before niigo knew mizuki irl there's two times they use she/her.

Which really sucks, because that would mean Mizuki uses she/her online, but ws soon as they meet her, its now a they/them? Without any conversation about it? And if we assume there WAS a conversation about it...

Then WHY THE HELL is Mizuki scared of telling their secret, when they have already done it in this scenario?

Thats not the case, niigo clearly thinks Mizuki is a girl- a cis one at that- currently.

In a way, the only people who would make sense knowing Mizuki's pronouns is the Kamiyama people (not Ena), they're the ones that know how Mizuki is at school, they're the ones that know her secret.

And yet, if Mizuki uses they/them, even the bullies respect it. And if she doesn't use they/them, then that means An and Rui of all people misgender them. Its a mess.

So not only does it breaks the immersion, it can also mean that either the bullies are not transphobic (really, if they didnt want to LOOK like they're transphobic is it that hard to avoid pronouns?? They're paid for that come on), or that the PLAYABLE CHARACTERS are.

Mizuki being so scared of saying her secret when everyone uses they/them for her is honestly. Fucking bad story telling. If they wanted to have made Mizuki's gender a secret there's a lot more ways they could've done instead of they/theying Mizuki in the story. Such as marking the gender as "unknown" or just. Leaving the story as is, people would be dumbasses and make them think mizuki is cis? So??? Let them be wrong when the time comes. This way it pretty much ruins her events.

And thats not saying Mizuki cant use they/them, but at thid point the characters would NOT know, the point that Mizuki tells the secret is the point they should know.

And.. in the end. That makes the fandom worse.

Jp does not have fights on which gender Mizuki is, they do not care. Its Mizuki and they like Mizuki for who [Mizuki] is as a person.

Meanwhile the en fandom gets called transphobic if the headcanon is a transgirl and also if the headcanon is a nonbinary transfem. It makes no sense and is only worth to make fights happen.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for changing my (30 FtM) name?

I was born with a very angrogynous/masculine name. For the sake of this post we'll say it's Alex Andrew Lastname. I was bullied for it growing up and can often see on people's faces that they were expecting someone different when they see my name first. I never liked my name growing up because I didn't think I fit the vibe. I'm just not an "Alex". But honestly, if I ever fully pass, that could change.

I recognize I've hit the trans guy jackpot. I've seen quite a few trans men change their names to my birth name, first and middle. Logically, I'd never have to change it for safety or validation reasons.

I've been using a different name for years now. My partner of 10 years doesn't know me by another name and cringes when we have to use Alex for legal paperwork. This name has been public knowledge to everyone including my family for about 8 years. We'll say this new name is "Elijah" (it is not)

The problem arises when I bring up my final legal name choice to my mom.

"Why that? I would have never named you that. I don't think it suits you." I double down and explain I like the name and don't mind the religious connotation (we went to church but she's always appropriated eastern religions, I am not religious) Additionally, SHE should have been using it all this time, even when I'm not there. She complains. "Can't I still call you Alex? I mean, I gave birth to you, I should still be able to call you Alex. I gave you that name because it was androgynous and cool, why do you want to change it?" I tell her again, no. If she's the only person deadnaming me, other people will feel they have the right to. "Can I call you Al?" No, sorry. "Can I call you Andrew? I named you after your uncle, he didn't do anything wrong."

Because she's pushing back so much, I tell her the truth. Growing up, she was abusive and negligent. When she did use my name, she said it like she hated me. When I was in trouble, when she was disagreeing with me, when she bullied me. She didn't really say my name in rare situations where she was proud because she was jealous and focused on making sure everyone knew I was cool and "unique" because I was "her kid". Because of it, I cringe when I hear my birth name. It's a strong name, a good name, even, but it makes me feel small and tired. I told her I was proud of her going to therapy, that we could start over, but that I'm asking to be respected as a person.

Shortly after I was born, she asked my grandma to draw up a tattoo of my deadname. It's a large, dark piece on her entire lower back. I told her I don't expect her to cover it, that she can keep it and mourn the name however she feels, but I'd like to get a matching, small tattoo with her to celebrate my new name if she's interested. She didn't really respond. She finally said she still doesn't like the name Elijah, but asked if she could call me Eli (yeah, obviously)

Despite all of this reaching some sort of compromise, I've heard I've made a bad decision from both sides. Some think I was too gentle and understanding and should have essentially said "fuck you this is my name take it or leave it". Others think I should have kept my deadname because there was nothing wrong with it, I'm being too emotional about it, or that I'm choosing to inconvenience others by changing things age 30. There's also the idea that no one really likes their name so it's not a great reason to change it.

AITA for having no real reason to change my name and doing so anyway?

What are these acronyms?

[strawberryblondebutch]

So I read Britta Curl's apology.

Emphasis on read, because no way in hell am I listening to that whole thing with my shitty auditory processing. So please acknowledge that this means I'm potentially missing out on tonal cues and body language.

I don't think she's changed. A good apology recognizes what you've done wrong and how you'll improve in the future. She seems to think that her posts are the problem, not the beliefs that motivated said posts. Her improvement plan is to "grow in humility, and grow in love." I'm not sure where most marginalized groups would rank that in their restorative justice plans.

Even if the apology's content is lackluster, the fact it exists is good. That Curl felt she needed to say something, for her own and the league's reputation, means she knows that eyes are on her. There are degrees of harm in public figures. Among baseball players, you can trace a line down from Curt Schilling (actual Breitbart personality) to Jason Adam (refused to wear a pride cap in a game) to Brad Hand (likes Trump tweets on Twitter in silence). I have no respect for the beliefs Hand's social media activity suggests that he has, but he's not saying on the record that being gay is a bad lifestyle choice, nor is he tweeting about how awesome that Capitol riot was. My personal respect may be nonexistent, but Hand's actions are less directly harmful.

I would love if Britta Curl changed her beliefs. I don't engage in moral Puritanism. I believe that people can change, and I want them to. If she came out with an apology tomorrow where she said, "I understand that my words and actions have hurt members of the trans and Black communities, and here are the steps I am taking to understand why this is so harmful so that I can improve, I would support her. But that's not what happened.

Whether we like it or not, this shit does matter. Arguably, it matters even more in women's sports. I don't like it. I would love if the WNBA, PWHL, or any other league were one where you could shut up and play, and you weren't expected to be a role model for young girls everywhere (which, that's a rant all of its own). But at the end of the day, you can't cater who you are to a hypothetical ideal. You have to cater it to the world that you're in. And yeah, that sucks.

The increased scrutiny on female athletes will always affect marginalized groups more. I'm not going to speak too much on racism in the WNBA, because I don't consider myself an expert on it (I'm only a casual basketball fan, no matter the gender), but I've seen the scrutiny leveled on Angel Reese compared to Caitlin Clark. I also remember Hilary Knight being fucking terrified to come out as queer because of all the outside pressure on her. Having to hide what you believe is different than hiding what you are.

She's not going to get top-six minutes this coming season, and the discourse is going to be insufferable. Yeah, Curt Schilling's a terrible human being, and although his beliefs got worse after retirement, he was an outspoken conservative when he won the 2004 World Series. Compare that to Trevor Bauer, whose shooters claim that he's being blacklisted by the Woke Mob, when he's really just... not a good pitcher, and he's also managed to piss off every manager he's ever had. Britta Curl will not be one of the six best players on Minnesota unless something goes terribly wrong - she's not a better center than Heise or Pannek, and she's not a good enough sniper to move to the wing. The worst people you know will claim she's being punished for her beliefs, because they do not understand how sports work. Block and move on.

It is still very funny that she blocked me on Twitter. Block and move on goes both ways, but I didn't tag her in the post or anything, which means she name searches.

Once again, if you read this far, please consider giving to Prevention Point or Savage Sisters. Harm reduction is important. Those two organizations are why I'm still alive, and the city of Philadelphia wants addicts to die.

[camp-counselor-life]

Pronouns

My pronouns are she/they. I'm genderqueer and don't fully identify as a woman, but it's complicated, and I don't feel like I can claim nonbinary, so genderqueer is my term of choice. I list my pronouns in my email signature at work and on my zoom name, but do not discuss them with anyone or regularly introduce myself with them, nor have I shared my gender identity beyond close enough to woman to count for ratio. Few people use they/them pronouns for me, but I honestly don't care enough to ask them to.

However.

My pronouns are not listed on my public/personal social media sites, except LinkedIn, where they are listed as she/her only. Why, if they are listed in my professional circles?

I am not out to my parents or anyone else in my family and my dad and some of my parents' friends are on my LinkedIn. And I'm not ready for them to know. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for them to know. I wouldn't deny it if they found out, but I don't want to come out to them in that way.

I think there need for acceptance of that, from all sides. When our marketing specialist shared a post I made about working for [council], she asked, because my pronouns did not match. But more importantly, she respected that I didn't want they/them pronouns on public social media.

I am bombarded with messaging from social justice accounts, including trans people, saying we must share our pronouns publicly. That it's transphobic for cis (appearing) people not to put them out, front and center. But that would out me as other than cis. That would out me to my family, to people I know would not be ok with it. It's not on me to educate everyone in my world on what it means for me to use she/they pronouns. And I need more people, especially pro-gender diversity/trans acceptance people, to publicly respect that.

[genderkoolaid]

An upcoming main cast character in a story I'm working on is a multigender boygirl, and I'd really like to (as with all my writing) make sure my characterisations and writing reflect and represent real experiences as much as possible. I've also started asking other multigender folks so I can get an even better pulse on it than just my own experiences and knowledge, so - the question.

What sort of internal experiences would you like to see expressed in the writing of multigender characters, especially boygirls?

Thank you so much for asking!!!

Some general things I'd enjoy seeingI

In general, I'd love to see the different ways people conceive of their genders. There are so many labels, now and and throughout time- I like boygirl, but also manwoman and androgyne. Some people used to use "bisexual" as a description of gender. And multigender people often have such diverse ways of seeing their genders & the way their genders interact. If one of someone's genders technically aligns with their AGAB, some might feel partially cis and some might see that gender as equally trans. I think it would be lovely to see multigender characters who are really deep and complex and feel like a full person, and also have their genders considered a meaningful part of them.

Multigender sexuality, if it makes sense to incorporate it into the story. It's something that gets very heavily policed (and I personally have had to deal with the trauma of having mine policed) and I'd love to see some represention of what it's like to have multiple sexualities/labels. There's also the complicated topic of relationships, and how multigender people interact with those. There's concerns of your partner/s being comfortable with your genders, and being respectful of them. A couple people on that other post made the good point that multigender people aren't depicted as desirable partners. At least some of us worry if we could ever be desirable, because we fear our multigenderedness makes us too complicated and strange for people to actually consider as partners. & on a less sad note, there's also how different people describe their relationships; spouse? wifesband? boygirlfriend?

Atypical medical transitions! There's still not enough awareness of how genderqueer transitions can look. I, personally, would enjoy seeing a character who is also multigender and salmacian, (although salmacians can be any gender), especially because it's so rarely heard of by people outside of porn. But you could also use stuff like different ways of doing HRT, like SERMs & other stuff (can't be fucked to find links rn but if anyone wants to add atypical HRT methods go ahead)

The daily ins-and-outs of presentation, pronouns, and names. I'm someone who changes their presentation pretty regularly, who sometimes prefers different pronouns, and generally prefers different names based on the dominant gender/s of that day. I also tend to crossdress; I dress much more femme when I'm a man and much more butch when I'm a woman, although I always stay androgynous. Some people may be gender conforming for one or all of their genders, some people may not vary their presentation at all!

Related to above: the struggle of everyday binarism. you are surrounded, especially as androgynes, by the forced choice between genders, especially male and female (just by virtues of those being the most discussed and compared). People expect you to be able to fall in one, OR maybe to fall in male, female, or neutral- but ime people generally don't think about you falling in multiple. It's an issue on things like forms that ask you to choose just one gender, or using bathrooms. It can be daunting to speak up about your experience as any gender, both because it might cause people to view you exclusively as that gender, and because you worry people will discount your experiences because you are multigender. People often don't think of us as fully any of our genders, in comparison to monogender people. You may not want to include discrimination in your story, but if you choose to I would enjoy it because I'm the kind of person who prefers stories that tackle those issues to ones where they don't exist.

Shapeshifting. I feel like it's a near universal genderfluid desire. Absolute ideal body situation tbh

If you have any other questions about multigender characters I'd be happy to answer them :)

[corrodedcoughin]

okay so your trans art binge-reblog spree yesterday kinda synced up with me having Intense Gender Feels so please allow me the liberty of gently knocking at your inbox again bc I feel a mighty need to unleash some trans!Eddie headcanons on you >.>

imagine the sheer emancipation of Eddie growing out his hair again after he had cut it short when first moving in with Wayne but this time long hair feels different and so, so much freeing bc it's no longer a stupid social expectation rooted in sth that isn't even true about him but instead a personal choice, one deeply connected with the music that comforts and inspires him like nothing else

imagine the freedom of him first realizing he's trans and how things — maybe not all things but at least some of them — suddenly fell into place from just knowing who he is, even if back then he had no opportunity and no safe place to as much as think about trying to socially transition. just feeling like his authentic self for once, without the weight of others' preconceptions about all the arbitrary ways he's supposed to be. he might've been unable to tell anyone at that time but simply having that knowledge to himself was liberating from the years of having felt like there's sth wrong with him. liberating bc now he knew for a fact that there wasn't. how can this be wrong if it made him feel like himself for the first time maybe ever?

imagine him hesitantly knocking on his uncle's door in the middle of the night when he had no choice but to run away from home. imagine the surprise on Wayne's face and all the unyielding unquestioning trust and comfort he's got for him, so thorough and genuine that it only takes him a few days to come out despite the fear. and then Wayne's silence breaks into a question of what name his nephew would like to called then. the words startling soon-to-be-Eddie into a impulsive hug, which is returned with utmost care and with quiet thinking-out-loud rambling of whether Wayne's got any clothes that would fit his nephew and that he would feel comfortable in

imagine the joy when Eddie gets a fake ID from Reefer Rick one day

imagine him making friends with the rest of Corroded Coffin guys and, when he gathers the courage and trust to come out, being met with support, ranging from confusion and a promise to eventually get how any of it works and to respect Eddie's pronouns etc, to deep understanding that hardly needs words bc you know you're being seen for who you actually are

imagine Eddie working on his voice and ending up achieving some success partly thanks to singing along to his favorite songs and trying to learn harsh metal vocals and at first scaring everyone around by going over the top with them until he figures out ways to train his voice to be more masculine sounding without resorting to that kind of harshness (and developing multiple fun vocal stims on the way)

imagine Eddie getting together with Steve and as a bonus gaining the perfect person to get advice from when it comes to figuring out a workout routine for his purposes

imagine the relief of knowing there are multiple people who you can be your authentic self with and who love you for this and would never change a single thing about what makes you yourself

oof well, I kinda carried away "a bit" (meanwhile the Feels have only intensified further whoops) and these are in no particular order but I really hope you'll like this humble offering. have a restful fulfilling weekend💜

LIAM!!!! LIAM!!!!! I am always ready for transing the narrative (been in some gender struggles too so let’s be in this together 🤝) I’m going to be running commentary replying so if it’s incoherent or accidentally cover something said later I’m sorry!!

- the hair!! YES!!! I feel like he had long hair before and felt pushed into have short hair in order to be taken seriously in his identity but what he always really wanted to be was ‘just a boy with long hair’ and the more it grows the happier he gets becuase THIS!! THIS!!! Is who he feels like he should have always been!!! This feel RIGHT! When it gets past the length of being ‘acceptable’ for a boy and starts brushing his shoulders he hasn’t never felt more strongly that he is Right. That this is Who He Is, this is Eddie Munson and Eddie Munson is a societal expectation-dodging BOY

- THE ACCEPTANCE AND REALISATION!!! What if he was going around as a child saying kid stuff like ‘when will I grow a beard?’ And being hushed by his elders (before Wayne). Going along with what was given to him, be it toys or clothes because his family didn’t have a lot so he’s not going to ask for more but knowing that they didn’t feel right. That he was performing a character for these people and hoping it would be enough for them, for himself. It’s not, something still feels wrong and he can’t figure out. But then, then he gets the keys to the kingdom, he moves in with Wayne and Wayne gives him some money and sets him loose in the thrift shop. At the start he sifts through the girl’s rails but all of the sizes are wrong for him. So wayne just suggests the boys racks because hey it’s just T-shirts and we need to get you stuff that fits. He guides eddie to the plain T-shirts, not thinking much of it. Not thinking it’ll be a Realisation in the young mind of his nephew. Eddie goes home with 2 boys T-shirts that day and from then on gravitates to exclusively wearing them. Next thrift shop visit eddie makes a beeline to the boys section and doesn’t look back.

- AHHH WAYNE AND COMING OUT I LOVE YOUR VERSION!!! What about Wayne passing a couple of shirts on to Eddie? A hat too? And a belt because god knows Eddie’s buying the jeans that hide his hips and needs something to hold them up. Wayne starts calling eddie ‘son’ and ‘boy’. Every time it’s like Christmas lights have been turned on behind his eyes. He feels dizzy with it, can’t contain himself, has to clench his fists to stop himself from shaking becuase this? This feels right. It fees Correct and knowing Wayne is here with him is the ballast he needs to secure himself on this unpredictable ride.

-CORRODED COFFIN SAYING ITS SO METAL OF HIM. (I personally also hc Gareth as trans so I like to think that Jeff and Freak are always ready to be Boys and show them Boy Stuff. Like alongside band practice they had Boy Practice at the start and now they can burp the alphabet in harmony and can armpit fart guitar solos and play fight and are just GOOFY)

- eddie going to a gig or band practice and then the next morning waking up with a slightly wrecked voice that he /loves/. He surreptitiously tries to maintain it, shouting lyrics in his room and just screaming sometimes but it starts to get painful and he accepts he has to find a different way. He listens to the radio with Wayne, asks to go with him when Wayne’s work friends plan a couple of drinks in one of their yards. Eddie gets to go to a couple, gets to listen to Wayne’s country and rock radio stations. Gets to hear these men talking and tries out phrases he hears when he’s on his own, records them on a tape deck he found in the thrift by luck one day. Records and re-records until he gets it right. Until he can prank call principle Higgins and get shouted at down the phone ‘I’ll find out who your father is boy! He’ll have your hide!’ The peak is when he goes into scoops and gets everything he wanted ‘hey man, how’s it going?’ From the offensively cute sailor with the big hands and strawberry sweet smile

- WORKOUT SUPPORT STEVE. YES. YES ABSOLUTELY!!! Steve showing him that he can’t just hit upper body every day, that he has to get everywhere. That he needs to make his core thicker if he wants that boy look. That working on his quads and calves will help, he promises it won’t leave him a big butt and tiny waist. (Not unless he wants Steve’s routine, that boy is going to work on his ass-ets okay?) eddie doing his first full push up with Proper Form and feeling the muscles in his back move and thinks yes. This is Good. God knows he’s not great at sticking to it but when it serves a purpose and it means he gets to ogle his boyfriend? Kind of a win win

- TBE LAST POINT!!! Yes!!! Eddie living in subconscious fear for so long that he pushes the very notion of being a Boy down. so far Down and Away that he won’t ever let it see the light of day. Or so he thinks. He tells himself that he is fine, that this is fine. But it isn’t and he doesn’t know what feels wrong. Until it slowly starts to change at a glacial speed. He tries different things. Starting only in his room, makes jokes that he thinks he can get away with in front of Wayne. Pushes it further, does more Boy things with corroded coffin. Sees that it’s okay? They are okay with it? With how he is? Sees that Wayne just nods at him and doesn’t make a fuss? That Wayne’s friends don’t bay an eye somehow? (Sure some guys at work do, but Wayne makes sure they know where their opinions aren’t wanted. That Wayne and his group aren’t to be taken lightly on the topic of Wayne’s nephew)

Eddie experiencing so much acceptance and love and there being so venom in it. No ‘waiting’ for it all to pass and Eddie to go back to ‘normal’. Eddies never been normal and that’s a badge he starts to wear with pride. With defiance. Knowing that he has everyone he could ever need how could be not?

[kiwiana-writes]

Hey MJ! I have a question that’s been on my mind for months. In “With So Much of My Heart…” is there a reason that Henry is so insistent on Alex including the Mountchristen part of his name? I would think that he’d be happy to shed the part of himself that’s associated with his grandmother and he’d like that people more readily see him as his father’s son, but he corrects Alex every time he just calls him Fox. So is it just a point of banter between them or is there a deeper meaning in regards to Henry’s identity there?

Hey anon! This is such an interesting, thoughtful question, so thank you for asking it 💙

Honestly, it was mostly because people not bothering with both halves of a double-barrelled name is a massive bugbear for me and I project that onto all of my characters who have double-barrelled names lmao. If you've read a bunch of my stuff, you might also pick up that I never, ever have Ellen and Oscar doing the whole "calling Alex by only the other person's surname when he's pissing them off" thing from the book unless I'm directly calling out how fucked up that actually is—and it really is. Getting someone's name right is really the absolute bare minimum of respect: whether it's correctly pronouncing (or at least sincerely attempting) names from a culture you're unfamiliar with, or using trans people's correct names, or that thing that often happens to women who don't change their surname on marriage where people keep passive-aggressively sending mail to "Mr and Mrs X" even though they know full well "Mrs X" doesn't actually exist.

But the other part of it is that while, yes, Mountchristen is the part of his name that's associated with his grandmother, it's also associated with his mother. Not to get too 'projecting onto fictional characters on main' about it, but I changed my surname away from my abusive father's the moment I turned 18 because I didn't want the association—I don't regret that choice, but other members of that side of my family were hurt by it, including and especially my (much) younger brother on my dad's side who very much felt it as a rejection. Because he's so much younger than me, we weren't able to talk about that frankly for a long time, and it left its mark. Names are complicated, legacy is complicated, feelings on abusive and/or toxic family members and the impact they have on us are incredibly complicated.

But also, it's another thing Henry can give Alex shit about and that's important too—troll Henry is my favourite Henry. (And not for nothing, but Henry absolutely could have chosen to go by 'Henry Fox' professionally even if he was Henry Fox-Mountchristen legally, and I suspect his decision to leave the Mountchristen in his name for his "gauche" acting career pissed Mary off immensely lol.)

Thank you again, I am eternally overwhelmed that people care enough about my little queer words to put this much thought into them 💙💙💙

[kaeyachi]

Hello it is I, the local trans girl kaeya truther <3 anyways I need to hear ur thoughts on mtf/transfem genderqueer kaeya bc u mentioned it on ur recent post and it got me EXCITEDDD

OH BOY I HAVE A LOT OF HCs. mtf, ftm, or genderfluid Kaeya stays on my mind rent free at the penthouse luxury unit with allowances, free wifi, and breakfast buffet.

For now, let's focus with mtf Kaeya!

- Kaeya/Gaia(jp) liking her birth name because it's commonly feminine (it's how I personally feel IRL with having a masc name despite being afab, so I'd like Kaeya to feel the joy and comfort it brings me hehe). If her parents did 1 thing right, it's naming her.

- Kaeya being proud of her chest since it has grown (thru workout for now), leading to the uniform choice. She didn't fully understand why she felt happy about it for a while.

- Same with the corset! She feels better looking at the mirror with the corset on.

- Kaeya feeling comfortable hanging out with the girlies because of having similar interests. It was probably hard to notice when younger because both Jean and Diluc wanted to be knights, and she simply followed them.

- I like the idea of Kaeya figuring out a bit later in life. Being distracted with more pressing issues made it a bit harder to come to terms with how she feels tbh. It was a slow journey, but she got there, and it felt amazing once she realized.

- I want Jean to know first!! Jean would give Kaeya so many hugs and affirmations!! Jean gets another sister (when Barbara found out, she felt the same as Jean)

-re: new skin. Kaeya, still feeling a bit confused and lost when she looks at a mirror, decides to let her full head of hair grow longer instead of just keeping a lovelock. She knows she doesn't need long hair to be more fem, but it makes her feel more secure about her identity.

- Sumeru visits aren't just for wine trade negotiations and learning more about her ancestry. She also went there to ask questions about transitioning

- Kaeya scaring Diluc into thinking she has a terminal illness before telling the redhead the truth lmao. Diluc is glad Kaeya isn't dying and is proud of Kaeya (willing to fund the costs of transition), but he really wants to strangle her first...

- When younger, Adelinde found Kaeya trying on her clothes. Young Kaeya was so mortified at being found that she didn't dare try again despite Adelinde saying it was fine and that she's willing to help her try out more. It took more than a decade before adult Kaeya went to her to accept her offer to help. Adelinde finally gains a daughter she can dress up

- Kaeya finally joining in with the girlies when they have makeover parties and girls night outs! It's the best fun she has ever had and she wants more!!

- the male knights became a bit protective at first when they were told (especially since their captain frequents the bar, and even prior to saying she is mtf, she already had a fair share of admirers and creeps there) until Kaeya reminded them that she can still kick all of their asses in training (and she did kick their asses)

- the female knights feel like they won something. The top 2 people in power right now while Varka is away are women. Technically, only Albedo is the male captain within Mond (technically hehe) (Nation leaders meeting and its all women)

- Alice finding out and offering to help Kaeya to transition!! Albedo, Sucrose, and Lisa are studying more about it to help out as well instead of having Kaeya frequently visit Sumeru

- Klee calling Kaeya "big sis"!! And when playing, Kaeya is now the queen while Klee is her princess

- The abyss order finding out and are unphased, but this is duly noted and they will respect it

I just want mtf Kaeya to be loved by his friends and family!!!

[missyourflight]

some stuff i read and watched in december:

the buccanneers: never really hit the heights i wanted it to and most of the cast was not great! but kristine froseth is always watchable and kate winslet's daughter is darling, most importantly scotland doubling for cornwall was beaut. as ever god bless apple for spending money on nonsense

slow horses (s3): i don't know when river cartwright became my shit friend i'm unreasonably fond of but here we are! jack lowden v funny this season and i don't think it's just because i've decided he should be lymond in the billion dollar apple tv series that isn't happening and probably shouldn't bc who else is even blonde (harris dickinson?? i haven't seen the iron claw yet)

monarch: legacy of monsters: i started this and then due to my bad personality decided i had to watch all of the ~monsterverse for context, therefore godzilla december. strong threesome energy in the flashbacks, can't argue with wyatt and kurt russell playing the same character decades apart etc, love a disaster lesbian in crisis etc

~monsterverse interlude: most of these were silly, godzilla: king of the monsters was actively bad, godzilla vs. kong somehow my favourite due to the askars/rebecca hall (long beloved) combo plus all the neon. hollow earth let's go baby!

tokyo godfathers: loved this! love miracles in the city during the holiday season, love to listen to three different podcasts talking about the nuances of trans rep in subtitle translation etc

godzilla minus one: godzilla december! this one made me cryyy, the godzilla theme goes so unbelievably hard, cutest sweetest baby in the world, was incredibly happy to be emotionally manipulated by the endings etc

not going to get into all the christmas film rewatches but: coward's edit of the family stone (repeat the sounding joy!), crying at both little women 94 and little women 19 as per, moonstruck forever, bridget jones' diary colin firth the most sexually appealing colin firth 2 me etc

the wind rises: catching up with miyazaki before the boy and the heron and straight into my ghibli top 3, the love story stuff absolutely floored me

how to have sex: absolutely devastating god

the boy and the heron: very weird and beautiful and sad - saw the dub (robert pattinson you wonderful freak), seeing again with subs this week

jon krakauer, into thin air: a personal account of the everest disaster: i got about halfway through the first chapter and had to stop and ask my dad what the hell he was up to trekking to base camp on his own in the seventies. gripping, chilling, tragic

rose lerner, sailor's delight: rose lerner one of my favourite romance authors (true pretenses i love you forever etc), m/m age of sail romance set around the jewish high holidays with SO much longing and yearning my god

lizzie huxley-jones, make you mine this christmas: fun christmas romance - fake dating but she falls in love with the guy's sister! - that made me burst into tears like five pages in for reasons entirely unrelated to romance or christmas. a 2024 project for soph etc

barbra streisand, my name is barbra: did the audio version so even sped up i reckon i spent at least a full day and a half with barbra. as ever the parts about making things and artistic choices were the best parts, i respect her energy re: including every nice letter or compliment she ever received (my version of this would be reproducing nice ao3 comments etc). wild to me that she spent like 3 decades beefing with larry kramer trying to adapt the normal heart (with bradley cooper at one point lol) but i have to disagree with her impulse to tone down the gay sex to avoid alienating straight people!!

i am not here really but i was proud i managed to keep these little roundups going through the year so. happy new year friends

[ijichi-nijika]

when i first came out to my college friend group it was so weird seeing a group of pretty much exclusively cis people with a few non het people have to deal with “oh suddenly there is a trans person in our group, how do we deal with it” when i switched pronouns everyone respected it and only people who didn’t know me at all called me he, until they were corrected and started using she instead. when i finally said “hey, i don’t actually wanna just still go by that name, could you start calling me lily? (and later my other names)” and they instantly stopped using my deadname and called me what i wanted. when i said to them that i was plural there were questions but they all tried to be accomodating to my learning about ourselves (even if i’m more likely just disassociative and not actually plural, y’all are valid as hell). when i said i wanted to use pup pronouns it did get a little weird but only until they realized it really wasn’t that strange and a few used them interchangeably while a few just stuck to she/her which honestly was fine.

the other weird thing i noticed was how slowly, people started being more expressive around me? i don’t want to ever claim to be “the reason” for things but suddenly stuff changed. me being told “oh instead of one trans person, there’s two now. btw” to another “hey iris, i think i’m bi-gender do you have any advice?” and then another goes “oh hey i’m agender i’ve realized, but any pronouns work!” to even more “i am extremely complicated and would prefer to keep this between us for now, but i trust you so here’s the info”. and since not even just gender stuff. “hey iris i’m bi btw” “yeah i realized i’m bi” “oh hey, had a breakdown and wanted to tell you all that i’m bi!” “still straight but sometimes boys can be hot idk what that means about me tho and idc really”

queer people being open makes others start feeling safe to be themselves and that one thing keeps me happy in knowing that coming out has ALWAYS been the right choice

[franzizka]

so @candidateofloyalty recently linked the aa wlw minibang server to a bunch of blogs from janet hsu, who is the localization director for every ace attorney game and also the voice of franziska. in them she reveals a LOT about the choices that the team made in terms of localizing the games and there was this message in particular about jean armstrong that stuck out to me because i know his treatment is a thorn in aa3 for a lot of people.

– Jean Armstrong is not actually French in either the Japanese or English versions, which is why Trés Bien is spelled wrong in the English version and he speaks atrociously bad French. – Speaking of Monsieur Armstrong, I’d just like to clear up some misconceptions and localization issues surrounding his gender and sexuality. Before I begin though, please keep in mind that societal attitudes and definitions change over time, and that the original Japanese version was made over 10 years ago. Furthermore, Japanese concepts of gender and sexuality do NOT map 1 to 1 onto Western ideas due to vastly different religious, cultural, and historical influences. In the Japanese version, Jean is a typical “okama” character. At the time, the word “okama” was the generally used catchall word for an “effeminate-acting man”, and had been the go-to word since the Edo period. While that usually implied that the man in question was gay, the word was also used for any biologically male person who did drag or spoke like a woman regardless of their gender or sexuality, and even trans women. Nowadays, similar to the way the word “q u eer” is used in the West (but not entirely the same), “okama” is considered derogatory and discriminatory, though some people will still call themselves “okama”. Since adopting the English word “gay”, it has become more culturally acceptable to refer to actual gay men as “gei” (ゲイ) or the more formal word “douseiaisha” (同性愛者 – literally: “person who loves the same sex”). Given all of this, what that meant for the localized version was that I had to take a very vague and different concept of “gay” and localize it in a way that would be understandable to a Western audience. Using all of the info we get about Jean in the game, the answer I came up with was that he is a gay, cis man who enjoys performing non-passing drag… Or to put it in a more concrete way, think Conchita Wurst. Jean’s drag persona, which I have dubbed “Campy French Maiden Jean”, is all we ever see during the investigation segments, but in court, he identifies himself as a man to the judge when he is asked what gender he is. Unfortunately, back in 2007, the general public’s understanding of gender and sexuality was not as informed or as nuanced as it is today, so I think Jean still caused a lot of confusion in the English version, but I hope this has cleared it up somewhat. In terms of how the characters reference Jean, I admit it would’ve been better if they used female pronouns out of respect for his drag persona once they realized it was a persona, but in addition to the fact that I can’t add any extra text boxes to the game, I felt it would’ve been too controversial and hard to explain in-game back then. Furthermore, because he and his persona are not given separate names, it becomes very confusing very quickly as to when the characters are talking about “Campy French Maiden Jean” and when they’re talking about the man/legal witness “Mr. Jean Armstrong”. That said, I feel that society is making progress — to the point where things like calling people by their preferred gender pronoun is slowly becoming the socially correct thing to do — so I hope that someday I won’t need to provide an in-game explanation. As a side note, given what type of character he is, you can see how he ties into the overall theme of the game, which is “not everything is always what it seems on the surface”.

here's the blog post if anyone is interested in reading more

[slanax]

so the podcast playlist ran out at work earlier today and left me with just music and my thoughts while I continued packaging products on autopilot. Now over the last month or so I've done a lot in my day to day life to stop stagnating and settling for 'good enough' as far as like household and stuff is concerned, I finally upgraded my phone and phone plan after like five and ten years respectively, I bought new clothes that actually fit me instead of the holdovers from back in the day that I was still wearing, my kitchen now has an actual workspace bc I've rearranged my furniture and added some more - shoutouts to my mom who wanted the doors off of my ikea cupboards so she'd have a matching set for the ones I left at home (the kind I had wasn't in store anymore) bc her offering to drive me to Ikea to get replacements triggered a bit of a binge in rearranging my whole apartment and let me transport the new stuff home too. Visiting my brother made me cook more and eat healthier bc he showed me the burgers he's cooking up when he needs something fast but like, with standards.

anyways. rambling. point is that the whole thing got me thinking about other things in my life that I'm kinda 'eh good enough' on, and the big one there is my identity and my body. Me being cis is, at least at this point, a conscious choice born from indifference, the factory settings work well enough and it'd be effort to even start looking into what I'd have to do to change them. But at the same time, it doesn't feel super cis for my position to be "yeah I'd prolly trans my gender if given the chance but that sounds like I'd have to file shit and call people and bureaucracy would be involved. But I would. But the effort." like I'm remembering Ranma 1/2 from my childhood and think that'd be neat to be able to do, just switch genders at the drop of a literal bucket, I feel that's not a very cis thought.

so then about two weeks ago my workplace gave us access to some health benefits, because they're feeling bad about keeping the warehouse people a bit out of the loop and removed from the office people, and also they're having trouble finding new people and really don't want any of us to quit, or something along those lines. Point is I have better health insurance now, based on a calender year budget, so I basically have an above average budget for the second half of this year now and I wanna make use of that, because it's a use-it-or-lose-it kinda deal. Now I don't know if I can use that for any gender affirming stuff, but I might.

The problem that remains is that I still couldn't care less for going through the whole rigamaroll of a social transition, but like. staying on-paper cis and continuing to use my given name to avoid all those complications, legally still being the same person and just looking different (might need a new ID if I go that far lol) doing whatever the fuck I want with my body in the meantime without it ever affecting my legal identity because it's not a deadname if I'm still just using it, it doesn't actually give me dysphoria, and they can't force me to change my name just because I have boobs, might be what I want? And then maybe I can consider a legal gender and/or name change from there?

idk on one hand it sounds like something I'd want to do but on the other hand I also feel it's not like, committed enough? like both on a practical level where I need a doctor to help me transition physically while still using the same (male) name, and on an ideological level where it feels like appropriation in a way to just want the body and the appearance but skipping over the whole paperwork thing because I can't be arsed while for a lot of people changing name and officially recognized identity is a just as if not more important aspect of transitioning.

genuinely can't tell on my own if that standpoint is a valid one, if I'm right to be hesitant for that reason or if that's an exclusionist brainworm take, would appreciate feedback and second opinions on that part especially

either way I am going to look into using my newfound health benefits for getting my facial hair lasered first and foremost because even if I stay physically 100% male that shit is annoying, I don't care for how it looks on me, I feel messy when it's there and can't be assed to shave it regularily. Avoiding effort is a key part of my identity either way whether I'm Cis+ or Legally Cis For Tax Reasons

[kissdatbam]

[TRANS] Thairath News Interview 06 Sep 2023

Revealing BamBam’s heart: How his first solo World Tour mean to him

translated by kissdatbam

Story by: Supaluck Wuttikreethachai

It was a bomb to music industry, when “BamBam – Kunpimook Bhuwakul” or “BamBam GOT7” the well-known K-Pop artist with Thai nationality, growing experiences till the day that he is ready to throw his own soloist world tour “2023-2024 BamBam the 1st World Tour [Area 52] in Bangkok” on 28 October 2023 at 17.00 hrs. at Thunder Dome Stadium. The ticket shall be opened for sale on 10 September 2023 starting from 10.00 hrs. via Thai Ticket Major. Now, before the start of his world tour, “Entertainment News” snatched a time of “BamBam” to reveal his heart that shows his determination, and focus as well as his view toward IGOT7s, a name of GOT7’s fanclub, to ensure and confirm that we made the right choice to love this person!!.

Q1: For “BamBam” how does the word “the 1st World Tour” mean to you? BB: It’s like I’m growing up for another step. We had our group World Tour for 3 times. I am the last member that just started my soloist world tour because I want to release at least 3 albums first. For me, this is my ultimate dream ever since I started my solo career – after the world tour is finished, I may have other new goals krub. Q2: How do you prepare yourself for this world tour – for both your body and mind? BB: I’ve continuously rehearsed for the concert krub. I also returned to workout. With respect to my mentality, I admit that I felt both pressured and excited at the same time, so I try to build up my confidence so that I will have energy to pass to the audience. Q3: We heard that BamBam has a lot of participation and involvement in this concert – does this give any new experience to you? BB: I have learnt a lot of behind-the-scenes works. Since this is the 1st World Tour with my new company i.e., ABYSS, they let me participate in almost everything since the first place which includes the stage plan, and benefits give away for this event. They also allow me to get involved in setting the ticket price and shows. All with supporting teams to help. This makes me understand the feeling of the audience even more. Since I have a chance to get involved in all of these, from the perspective of a performer on a stage, I know what the audience wants the most, and what their expectations are. There’re also teams to support me.

Q4: What would you like to convey to fans through this concert? BB: There’re a lot of things krub. I saw many times that ticket price was increased too much to the extent that it’s unreachable/inaccessible. But for my first world tour, I want it to be like a festival that my fans gathering to celebrate it with me. So, I want to organize the ticket price and every given benefits to be on par with the standard they were used to be in 6-7 years ago, which were accessible to everyone, while the show performed in the concert is exceedingly greater than the ticket price. I want everyone to be happy.

Q5: What would you like the fans to see/acknowledge? BB: I want them to see/acknowledge the sincerity of me, ABYSS and IME Thailand that is a promoter, and I wish them to see my potential and growth like what I’ve changed and grew during these two and half years during my solo period.

Q6: Since Thailand is your homeland, do you have any special excitement with your first solo concert? BB: Now – there’ re two more months before the concert – so, I have not yet had any excitement. But I think that my excitement may be skyrocketing on the ticket on-sale date if the result come out as planned. Q7: Now your fans are super excited. BB: (smile) I am truly appreciated that krub. Even though there’s no information released – they are looking forward to attend this event already. Thank you to fans that always have trust in me. Q8: Did you see their excitement and preparation for their costumes/outfits for the concert? BB: I think that that’s a small event which they can enjoy along with the concert. The fact that they will dress to the theme is one of the activities that made them felt like they are part of the show. They asked me if I have a theme for the concert, and I answered that I did not have any specific dress code. I just told them a key word “Alien” (LOL)

Q9: BamBam is about to have the world tour, how do GOT7’s members support you? BB: Actually, everyone always supports each other. If you what to know to what extent my members give their supports to me, you may wait and see in my world tour because I cannot say more than this (smile). Q10: Did you have a chance to talk/update about the life frequently with the members? What is the most issue that you guys are talking about? BB: Sometimes we talked about our works. We also talked about the music – exchanging our songs and asked each other to give the comments. Since the style of our solo songs are totally different, when we meet each other, we always ask each other if there’s anything we can help each other. If there’s anything we can do, we would like to do so. If we have a chance to meet, we will try to help each other relieves the stress.

Q11: We always see that BamBam is closed with the fans and talked to them a lot in the social network. You also open up for their views such as their proposal for your hairstyle or even to call them back to GOT7 which made you are beloved by them even more….what made you want to get closer to them like this? BB: Though I call them back – there’s no sign of their return (smile). Well, I personally feel that since I have my own SNS channels, I want to use it as efficiently as I could. I want to communicate with them and want them to participate with me as much as possible. If I just only tell/invite them to my show – I think this is a waste of time. We can use such opportunities to have fun and have them all participated, so I tried to share my moment with them. However, if there’s any thing that I may have to keep as a secret, I have to do so (smile).

Q12: Many say that “BamBam” is an artist who made you feel that he’s your family member, be it – for mommy team, girlfriend team or those who are indecisive like a combination team (something between mom and girlfriend) – do you also feel like that? BB: For me, fans in each country have their own style. For example, in Thailand – the fans will have their motherhood so much since they see me ever since I was a kid. What they always did are like they really raise me up as their child for real. They always talk with me about my works like “you did really good today”, or “I think this hairdo might not fit you, how about this one”.

Q13: Just like a mother look after her child? BB: Yes krub. Thai fans usually give out this mother-like feeling. However, for other international fans – they do not have this vibe. They always in fans/girlfriend mode. Like if I go to the USA, or to my latest visit at Mexico, I will be in a 100% manly mode. If I am in Thailand – I will be in a baby mode, but if I go there, I will also be in other mode.

Q14: Do you have any special thing you would like to do or eat during your return to Thailand this time? BB: There’s nothing new for the food krub. But the newest thing for me is that I had a chance to participate in the Ghost Radio show. I have been their fan for 5 years, and I had a chance to meet with P’ Jack (the DJ) for the first time – and had a chance to create a new record to them. We both happy with this. I am really thankful since fans of the show also acknowledged me as a true fan for this show.

Q15: When you see your fans supporting you in everything be it big or small (e.g., when BamBam got hurt at his eyebrow – IGOT7s also felt hurt), how do you feel about this – does this fill up the good energy in you? BB: It’s a positive energy to me. Whenever they worried about me, the feeling that I had is that I wish I could repay them. So, this world tour will be a reward/ something that I would use to repay to them for everything all of them gave to me through these years. I tried to repay them as much as I could.

Q16: You’ve gone through so many things on your artist journey and now you have been acknowledged and accepted by fans in many countries including in Korea – you have continuously gained so many loves and supports – how do you feel with your current status? BB: I would like to thank my fans for still being with me. Seriously, if I release my song but there’s no one listening to it – then, there’s no point making the music. I am grateful that there’re fans who are still supporting me. I don’t know if my fans are increasing, decreasing, or staying the same in numbers, but I also felt that I’ve gained more acceptances in countries that I visited, especially these days in Korea. After I went to the show(s), when I was in Korea – people know me more these days and I’m happy with this.

Q17: When we were children, we used to have inspiration from artists, and now BamBam has become an inspiration to follow your dream for many people. Like recently, Nong Rod-Tu (a hilltribe man who showed up in a tv show in Thailand – having BB as his inspiration) drew your picture and talk about this in the show – how do you feel about this. BB: When I was young, I had so many artists as my inspirations, but I felt that I did not have any moment with or close to them. When I watched the show that Rod-Tu drew my portrait, I felt really good. I f want to do something to let him know that I got his message, so I put it on my IG story. I am happy to know that now I am at the point that I can be an inspiration for others just like when I used to have other artists as my inspiration, but more than that is I can also interact with them and be more approachable to them.

PDF version: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DbOuFeLHY7UkJmtuJeagVW-DRmXXHqGi/view?usp=sharing Original Source: Thairath News https://www.thairath.co.th/entertain/news/2722771 Translated by kissdatbam may contain slight inaccuracies

[cordially-stupid]

Transgender First Blog Entry

The #TransgenderFirst College Scholarship- For Transgender Students (onlinedegree.com)

^ Transgender First, the inspiration for this post. Through writing this I ended up being inspired to start a couple of other essays about my experiences with the specific transphobia i've encountered as a trans man at an HWC. I'm always happy to talk about my experiences.

When I was accepted into an HWC, I was excited by the prospect of being surrounded by other queer people, and to have conversations about gender and sexuality with more nuance than ever before. However, I kept running into this pervasive idea that gender is a choice but it doesn’t matter because it isn’t real. This common regurgitation always rubbed me the wrong way. I can see how the idea of gender being irrelevant can be freeing for gender nonconforming people, especially lesbians pigeonholed into performing femininity. However, it not being real doesn't mean it can't and shouldn't matter. My gender matters to me. When I came out to my friends as a trans man, they treated me like I chose wrong. I was not part of the in-group. 

 Beyond having a hard time making and maintaining friendships, I experienced more explicit transphobia at school traditions. The conflation of “woman” and “student” made it difficult to assert that I belonged in student spaces, despite not being a woman. I, and other trans people, were kicked out of school sponsored events because we didn’t look enough like “women” to be students. My identity as a man was respected, but my status as a student was not. 

I eventually found my social niche surrounded by other trans people. I finally had found people that understood the foundation of my experiences, and who were excited and supportive of my relationship to my gender. We celebrated when I finally went on testosterone my sophomore year, and had a weekly injection countdown to help me get over my fear of needles. My pronouns and chosen name were respected in class and among my friend group. I was growing into myself.

Despite my joy, I was also filled with anxiety. Going on testosterone was changing my body. It was becoming a body I loved and one that felt like mine, but it was also becoming one that my parents were going to notice was different. I needed to talk to someone with knowledge about how to navigate coming out to my parents, and dealing with the anxiety of how they would react. My grades tanked along with my mental health. Previous to that semester, I had been comfortably maintaining at least a 3.0, and suddenly was struggling just to pass my classes. I turned to the school’s overworked counseling services and was told that there weren’t any appointments available for months. I sought out the mental health club, but they were unable to offer any support beyond stickers and stress balls. I became more and more stressed, reassuring myself that my parents were likely to be supportive given their political views anyway. 

Unfortunately, that simply wasn’t true. My mother found the packaging for my shots in the trash, and told me that I killed her daughter. She grieved with my father, who stopped acknowledging my presence. I became like a ghost in the house, until my mother broke the silence with a deal. I was permitted to finish the semester and live in their house on the condition that I moved out before the fall. 

I was stunned by how quickly my joy was taken away from me. The lack of support from my parents led to the total collapse of my security. Every future became uncertain, which made it difficult to plan for any future. I was finally myself somewhere where I was not necessarily understood but at least accepted, and then flung into total self-reliance. It finally sank in that all my safe spaces were on a paid membership being canceled at the whim of my parents. The core of my experience as a trans person at college has been the precariousness of the safety and respect I am allotted. Most people who go to college or university rely on their parents to support them financially. But when you're trans, you are required to consider how your parents’ transphobia could influence their decision to finance your education. That assumption of support puts them in a position to levy that financial power and prevent you from coming out. The possibility of them exerting that power, regardless of how accepting they actually end up being, means that even the decision itself of coming out to your parents weighs heavily on your mind. 

I had a hard winter that year. I was struggling to afford food, let alone get access to the healthcare I needed. Every dollar I saved that summer went to the roof over my head. I didn’t starve that winter because of those connections I made at school. I moved about 15 minutes away from my old campus, dead set on at least keeping my support system nearby. My friends were sneaking me food from the dining halls and lending me blankets and soap. I would not have made it through the winter without them. 

I was eventually able to find my financial footing the following spring, and can finally begin to think about going back to school. The degree to which financial stability, often founded on your parents’ acceptance of your identity, affects your ability to integrate with your institution is wild lol.

[finding-a-semblance-of-semiwhole]

I feel like myself for the first time since she died

And for some reason that kind of terrifies me. I mentioned in a previous post that my grief counsellor and I spent a whole session discussing the difficulties I faced as a mixed race child. I should perhaps mention that I am also a trans man, and so I have been in conflict with my family about what name I want to be called for nearly a deacde. Because I am mixed race, I was given both an English name and a Chinese name at birth. I have always hated my English name, so I changed it when I ccame out. For a long time my mother refused to use anything other than my English birthname. Until this morning. I got a text that said 'Morning Xin'.

'Morning Xin'

Decades of identity confusion, worsened exponentially by grief, washed away. I am me again. And all it took was two words.

From today onwards, I am moving forward as a new man. I am Xin to my family, another name to my friends, and here, where I am free and unobserved, I am Jones. But all of these parts come together to make me, and it is becoming rapidly clearer who 'me' is and is going to be.

I have to admit... maybe Xin/Jones is a little lonely. But he is growing and changing, and he has good friends to rely on, even when doctors refuse to do their jobs, and life is hard, and he wishes it was easier.

I wish I could understand more though. Understand why people make the choices they do. My grief is largely due to bereavement, yes, but it is also grief over a failed relationship. Over someone I trused very uniquely, who walked away overnight less than two months into my bereavment. Someone who has been my friend for five years, my girlfriend for 1.25 years, but who only needed one evening of comtemplation to decide to give it all up. Someone who I thought would respect me, but who decided my feelings for me, without ever asking, and then left because she decided it was unfair to ask me to change the feelings she had decided I had. I consider that to be a cruel action on her part; but I know that she is not a cruel person. I cannot be with someone who does not afford me enough respect to allow me to form my own feelings, but she was my friend first, and I think I grieve more for the lost friendship than I do for the lost relationship. I do hope that one day friendship will be possible again, but in this current time I am just confused, and grieving. And 50 minutes a week is not enough to unpack all of the complexities of my situation.

Sometimes I want to mvoe on. No, I do want to move on. I want to find that person who will respect me, and always be kind to me, even if their feelings change. Someone who can help me to grieve, because I will inevitably grieve again, rather than someone who is crass in the face of devastating emotion. But I am still healing my bereavement, and I do not want to start my next relationship sad. I want to be happy when I begin again. I understand that I need more time to feel truly like 'me' again, and today marks the start of my really believing that there is hope. But, I am impatient. I said this to my mentor on Wednesday, that I understand this takes time, But I kind of just want to be done now, thank you. Alas, this not the way the world works.

So, here I sit on my sofa, next to my sleeping dog, in the evening light. Waiting until I feel semiwhole once again.

Wish me luck, friends!

Sincerely,

Jones