lzberner-blog

[jainkoa]

I want to buy another jacket or hoodie or some shit cos the temperature keeps dropping which is expected this time of year but like every clothing store that sells jackets and jumpers or whatever is always so overpriced with absolute dog shit quality

[markleesthighs]

good 4 u

pairing: guitarist/singer!y/n (fem) x badboy!jeno

genre: angst, fluff (if you squint), smut, strangers to lovers to enemies

song: good 4 u by Olivia Rodrigo

a/n: mentions of cheating, breakup, depression, underaged drinking (please be safe!!) picture/GIF from @pureboyjun​

Everyone told you to watch out, everyone warned you about him, Lee Jeno. You and Jeno weren’t in the same friend group, you were as what society called an “art freak” with streaks of colors in your hair and black eyeliner. You also always kept guitar picks with you, always wanting to sneak into the music room and practice on the electric guitar. The wannabe’s compared you to an Avril Lavigne-type girl. Your best friends were also your bandmates, supportive of you and your dream, unlike your parents. You and your parents had a deal, as long as you kept good grades you could continue to play music as a “hobby.” 

You also worked at a music store, which is how you ran into Lee Jeno. He was looking for vinyl of a specific artist which happened to also be one of your favorites so you knew exactly where it was. He thanked you and you hoped that would be the last you’d see him. But he came in every day to talk to you and eventually had the courage to approach your lunch table. All your bandmates glared at Lee Jeno, knowing his reputation and his motives. Once he left they’d all trash him for trying to talk to you. 

“y/n you shouldn’t really associate with him.”

“Yeah, all of his ‘fangirls’ will tear you to shreds.”

“Jeno hits and runs, you better stop talking to him before it turns into something dangerous. You’ll only get hurt.”

You didn’t think much of their words, since Jeno wasn’t really your type anyway. There’s no way you could ever fall for him. Oh boy, were you wrong. Jeno went out of his way to swoon you in any way he could. He’d walk you home at night, visit you in the music room and at work, he’d even invite you to his lunch table where you’d be met with his other ‘bad boy’ friends. He would get you your favorite coffee, just the way you like it, and get your lunch order so you wouldn’t wait in line. All of this attention grabbed the attention of his fangirls, constantly threatening you about how “Jeno is mine!” and bullshit like that. You honestly didn’t care because you reassured them you and Jeno were not dating. 

That was until he invited you to a party, saying that you could meet his one friend that was also into music and could help you break out into the music industry. You agreed, excited to meet someone in the industry. When you arrived at the party, you met his friend who worked at Columbia Records, you bonded and everything got his contact information in hopes of getting an internship. Jeno met up with you again, asking you to repay him, in a game of fear pong (beer pong with truth or dare elements). You agreed, joining him on his team against Johnny and his girlfriend. One of the dares you guys had to do was make out for one minute or drink. You were about to drink when Jeno grabbed your face and started to make out with you. 

God, did he taste good. His lips were soft brushing against yours the taste of beer and light cigarette smoke made his lips only more addictive. Everyone watching was hooting and hollering at the two of you. Jeno licked the bottom of your lip, which you opened your mouth to let his tongue enter, causing your tongues to fight for dominance. Jeno’s ultimately dominated and touched your throat. You gave a small moan which only made Jeno kiss you harder. Johnny coughed causing you two to stop. 

“You realize you two were making out for like 5 minutes right?” Johnny laughed.

You pulled away but Jeno held on to you by your waist. 

“What can I say, Suh, she tastes really good, I wanted to savor it.”

That made you blush. You guys continued the game and you and Jeno won, out of excitement (and slight intoxication) you kissed Jeno. He looked at you in shock and you apologized before he kissed you back. Since that game, you two were attached to the hip the whole night. Jeno didn’t feel safe letting you go home so he let you sleep with him in a bedroom upstairs. When you guys were tucking in for the night he wrapped his arm around you pulling you closer to him. 

“y/n, I love you.”

You giggled “You’re drunk Jeno...get some rest.”

“No, I mean it.”

“You’re really funny.”

“Do you need me to prove it to you?” He spoke in a deep voice, shifting his body to hover above yours. 

“If I didn’t love you do you think I’d be feeling like this right now?” Jeno whispered into your ear. When he leaned down you felt his member rock hard against your thigh. 

“J-jeno, you’re confused, do you know what you’re doing right now?”

“If you want me to stop I’ll stop. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I can take care of myself in the bathroom if you don’t want to do it.”

As Jeno was moving off your body you wrapped your arms around his body to pull him back.

“N-no, stay, please.”

“Are you sure y/n, you sure you want to do this?”

“Y-yes.” Little did you know that you would regret sleeping with Lee Jeno. 

Jeno kissed your lips softly, knowing how tired you both are. You felt his member twitching with every kiss. He moved on to your neck, leaving soft kisses and a purple mark on your collarbone. He moved all the way down your stomach down to your flower. He kissed your thighs and ate you out vigorously, he was sucked down on your clit while fingering you. You were trying to hide your moans but Jeno hit your sweet spot almost every single time, causing you to not be able to contain yourself. You were tugging and pulling at his har which also caused him to moan. You were about to climax when Jeno pulled away which caused you to whine and pout. Jeno kissed your pouty lips as he pulled out a condom from the drawer (be safe kids!) and tore it open and put it on his member. 

He looked at you and asked again for your reassurance and you nodded. 

“I’ll be slow and gentle I promise.”

He slowly slid into you as you clenched around him you squeezed your eyes from the pain, he was a lot bigger than you thought. Jeno moans harmoniously along with you as he waited for you to let him move. 

“P-please m-move..”

Jeno smiled as with every thrust he kissed you, he made you feel comfortable in his arms. 

“F-faster, please...”

“What’s my name?”

“J-jeno! Please!”

“That’s daddy to you.” He said as he thrusted harder inside of you.

“Y-yes, daddy, please go faster.”

“Good girl.”

Jeno pushed harder and faster as you moaned louder and louder, finally climaxing with Jeno. Jeno removed the condom and threw it in the trash as he walked to the bathroom and cleaned you up along with a few kisses. 

“Hey Jeno?” Jeno turned to look at you.

“I love you too.”

After that night you and Jeno were going steady for a couple weeks until he ghosted you. He stopped talking to you and his friends would laugh at you or Jeno would tell you to go back to your old table. You heard their conversation as you were walking back. 

“I can’t believe Jeno got her to sleep with him.”

“Easiest fucking $100 he’s ever made.”

 When you went back to your bandmates you were broken. Endless nights of tears and suicidal thoughts swamped your mind. Why me? Why did I have to fall for his stupid trap? He only wanted me for some cheap cash huh? How can he just move on so easily? Did nothing we have mean anything? Well screw that and screw you, Lee Jeno. 

“Hey y/n?” One of your bandmates asked. 

“Battle of the bands' championship for the school is coming up, do you know what song we are going to cover?”

You looked at Jeno. “Oh, I fucking know what song we are going to sing.” 

You and your bandmates got the sheet music for good 4 u by Olivia Rodrigo and practiced it until it became natural for everyone. Finally, the battle of the bands' championship occurred. It was hosted by your school to fundraise for the music program and scholarships. Before your group came up, you all huddled, and they all gave you the words of encouragement you needed to perform in front of Lee Jeno. 

“Sing it from your heart bitch.”

“Kill him with those words.”

“Make him feel like the shit head he is.”

As they hyped you up, you felt much better as you all walked out to stand on the stage. You saw Jeno in the crowd with his new supposed girlfriend. You began playing the first notes on the guitar. 

Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily You found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks Remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world?

You stared right into his eyes singing every lyric, letting him know what a scumbag he was for dating someone new in a few weeks when he confessed to you after he fucked your brains out. What kind of a person does that?

Now you can be a better man for your brand new girl

You raised your hand and pointed right at him and his new girl who looked like every other bitch who wanted to get with Jeno, you couldn’t compare to her, you had to show Jeno he made a mistake leaving you for $100. You wanted to make those $100 worth nothing because he left you for someone who’s only worth $1. 

Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me If you ever cared to ask Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby God, I wish that I could do that

You sang you heart out to those lyrics almost feeling emotional. How could Jeno sit there with a smile on his face while you almost crying during this set. You then realized Lee Jeno is an emotionless piece of shit. But just this once, you wanted to see him cry. 

I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it But I guess good for you

It wasn’t fair that you cried endless tears, while Jeno came to school with a smile on his face. Your eyes would be dark and baggy from all the crying and endless sleep, but he came to school happier and brighter than ever, fuck you Lee Jeno. 

It's like we never even happened Baby, what the fuck is up with that?

Everyone forgot about you and Jeno the moment he dropped you. How come everyone took his side and let this slide past everyone? Did no one care about how you felt? How humiliated you were? How can someone forget something like that?

And good for you, it's like you never even met me Remember when you swore to God I was the only Person who ever got you? Well, screw that and screw you You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do

Jeno and you became strangers, nobodies, to each other just back at square one, how did this happen? He would complain about how his friends would make fun of his music tastes and hobbies, making you think you were the only one who understood him and supported him. You wanted to make him feel guilt and shame for toying with you. 

Maybe I'm too emotional But your apathy's like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all

You’ve thought about how you were the problem, that Jeno didn’t want you for you. He would act reassuring when you were in bed, but once he left you, he brushed off every concern you had. He never had any feelings for you. He never cared about you. 

Before the final chorus you pulled out a picture of you and Jeno printed out on paper and one of your bandmates set it on fire. The picture of Jeno’s face starting to well up with tears when everyone in the gym started to stare at him. It was music to your ears. 

Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby Like a damn sociopath

You were now crying in the last chorus not out of sadness but out of joy, finally, Lee Jeno knows what it’s like to have his heartbroken. All of the other girls and guys were screaming and singing along with you, you were jumping and high-fiving all of them, rocking out to the music. Your mascara was dripping down your cheeks and you looked emotional and powerful. 

Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily

As you played the last chord on your guitar everyone was cheering. You thanked everyone for the performance as your group hugged your bandmates thanking them for getting you through the performance. You turned to look at Jeno one last time to see him crying. It was beautiful. 

good 4 u, Lee Jeno. 

[jj-lynn21]

Clowning around

Warnings: humor, creepiness, fear, smut, angst, possible multiple personality disorder, A Halloween fanfic for all my Pennylovers out there. The Clownfuckers that miss their Bob Gray. Girls missing their Daddywise. This might not be a straight up Pennywise story, but you know how Bill gets when he puts on that persona. You know what you are in for.

Tags: @a-mess-of-fandoms @hausofobsession @amandalynngraves @josielikesskarsgards @dragsraksllib @grandpa-sweaters​ @bskarsgardlove92​ @super-pink-a-palouza​ @draggolblackthorn​ @loomiz​ @theskarsgardcult​ @sunshineandskarsgards​ 

Thank you for the moodboard @flowers-in-your-hayr​

“Bill you were the scariest clown I ever saw in a movie. Thank you for speaking to me via skype today.” The reporter said wrapping up the sixth interview in row for your boyfriend. All of them still praising his work as the clown. Bill loved people didn’t hate it, but he would rather be praised for any of his current roles over Pennywise.

“Thank you.” He smiled hoping no one mistook the smile for a remnant of the clown.

It wasn’t that he did not love the character and appreciate all the love from the fans. Hell, he was ready to jump right back into the skin of Bob Gray if Steven King wrote a prequel and Andy Muschietti was on board to direct again. But he did not want to chase a seventy-year-old adult Losers Club at sixty-years-olds. At lease at this point in his career.  

You did not blame him either. You were so proud of all the projects Bill did over the last year or two that were starting to be released. He was such a workaholic because he loved the work, but he still made time for you. He would often fly you wherever he was working. He did not work most weekends but sometimes it made more sense staying in a hotel or apartment near filming instead of coming home.  

“Hey, sweetheart.” His voice was horse from talking for so many hours. “Thanks for the tea and Vaniljhjärta. I think I am finally done.” He pulled you onto his lap. 

You learned to make his favorite pastry, Vaniljhjärta, from a Swedish cookbook that you had to translate as you learned the recipe. It was time consuming but worth it the way Bill light up getting a little taste of home.  

“You’re welcome.” You kissed his cheek softly. “No need to talk for a while. I put honey in the tea to sooth your throat and Jokk Tranbär Apple & Kanel on top just the way you like it. “

He sipped the tea. Then nodded his approval. After taking a bite of the heart shaped pastry he licked his lips and devoured in in a few more bites. Then his cellphone rang ruining the delicious quiet moment between you. When you started to get up, he shook his head no. You were happy to stay in place.

“Hey, how’s life, man.” Landon Liboiron called Bill at least once a month. They talked about acting, future goals and what was going on in their lives in general. He was the only guy Bill felt like he could talk to freely outside his family. “I don’t usually ask you for shit, but I’m involved in this project for charity I would love you to help with. If you don’t want to that’s fine. All the proceeds will go to a local children’s hospital. I think a few of those kids will be there.”

“My schedule is packed during the week, Landon.” Bill was hesitant to get involved with yet another project when he was working on Clark, which he was also producing. “You know I would do just about anything to help you out.”

“Hi, Landon.” You interceded.  

“What’s up buttercup?” He laughed.

You giggled.

“It would be one Saturday October 1.” Landon added about the event.

“All right.” Bill thought about it. “I might be able to make one night. What do you need me to do, sign autographs or something?”

“Nothing that boring.” Landon assured. “I am one of the sponsors of a haunted carnival and I would like Pennywise to attend if that is something he would want? Terrorize some guests throughout the area and the Fun House. But no hurting anyone. Is that understood?”

A strange look came over Bill’s face. One you had seen before but not for an awfully long time. He stood. You slid off his lap right to the floor landing on your bum. That was not like your Bill at all. Then you heard it, IT’s voice.  

“I could play your game.” Pennywise cooed. “I love chase games. Carnival with children. And lots pop pop popcorn.” He giggled. “Don’t forget the red balloons.”

“Yes, I can get all of that for you.” Landon was nervous about what he just brought up in his friend. If he had opened some weird Pandora's Box. “I will email the specifics and see you Saturday.”

“Yes, yes. Saturday will be a fun day to play.” Pennywise snickered like a child.  

Landon hung-up first a little creeped out at the exchange. Pennywise looked over at you still on the floor looking at him in awe.  

“Shall we start playing now...” His voice went from high pitch to deep and gravely. “my little one.”

You swallowed hard as he stalked towards you. His mannerisms changing as he came closer. The Clown was out to play, and you did not know how or when you would get your sweet man back.

He knelt as you crab crawled away from him. He was laughing at your fear. Whether you were pretending for the sake of the game or feared this side of your man only you knew. But your heart was beating fast as his smiling Pennywise face got with within an inch of yours.

“Boo.” He cackled demonically. “You better run, little one.”

You got up quickly and darted one way then the other trying to find a place to hide. But you knew you could never truly hide from him. He was quick once he got up and began to hunt you.  

“I’ve missed you.” He came around the corner. “I’ve craved you.”  

You could see him but hoped he did not see you.  

“I’m going to find you.”  

You closed your eyes tightly and put your hand over your mouth. For some reason this seemed the best strategy. If you could not see him. If he could not hear you breathing maybe...”

“I’m going to eat you up.” Pennywise growled.

You could feel his breath on your face. You let go of your mouth. Then opened your eyes. He was drooling. His eyes floating in their sockets. You let out a blood curdling scream as he pulled you out of the hiding place and tossed you over his shoulder.

“Get ready to float.” Pennywise mused as he carried you into his layer.  

He tossed you onto the bed. Tearing at your cloths Pennywise shredded them quickly. He dipped his head between your thighs to eat you out with delight. He made little high-pitched noises as he did so. And you were wet, all turned on by the chase. “Daddywise, please.” you moaned as he teased your pussy.  

He was sucking at your clit until your writhed. Then darted his tongue over your slit to lick up all your juices. He worked you to the edge multiple times as you begged him to let you float in the glorious high of ecstasy you needed.

“You are such a fucking bastard, Daddywise.” Your core ached for release. “You know I need it.”  You whined.  

He looked up at you tilting his head from left to right. Your juices glistening on his lips. He laughed. “Time to float.”

Pennywise dove back down working you up again. This time he made you float so high you never wanted to come down from your blissful orgasm. You laid there panting after as he disappeared into the bathroom.  

Bill came back into the bed with just his boxer briefs on. He pulled you into his chest kissing your temple softly. “Nightmares are back, baby. Can we just fuck them away?”

Your thighs were still trembling but you nodded yes. He grabbed a condom from the nightstand, inched his underwear down and put it on before making love to you. He was slow and passionate hitting you exactly right. It did not take long for him to build your pleasure up once again and tip you over the edge with him coming soon after.

Bill was so gentle and loving but you knew you had not seen the last of Pennywise. He had to put the suit back on in two days. That would make the nightmare even crazier.  

Bill had a 6 a.m. call time the next morning. He was gone by the time you woke. You were sitting up to stretch when you saw it. A note right on your nightstand. You picked it up.

         It was fun playing with you last night, little one.

        You will find me at the carnival.

        Unless I find you first.  

You crumbled up the paper. Heart beating with excitement and fear. When you got out of bed you pulled the top dresser drawer open to search for the lighter Bill kept there. He tried not to smoke consistently but he kept it around. You burned the note.  

You put on one of Bill’s sweaters before making your way to the kitchen. The coffee was still warming in the pot. You made a cup and went into the living room with your cellphone in hand. You checked through your email before flipping through channels on the television. Every channel was playing some version or chapter of IT.You flipped off the TV.

It really creeped you out until you realized that it was the day before Halloween. Of course, several channels were playing one of the best horror movies of all time. You tried to laugh away the chilling sensation down your spine. But you still decided to read instead of turning the television back on.

Bill video called you around lunchtime just as you got out of the shower. A towel wrapped around your body when you answered.  

“I guess I caught you right out of the shower.” He grinned.

“I guess you did.” You giggled. “How is your Day going?”

“It’s fucked.” He griped. “It is like people think their weekend time off has already started. Everyone but me. The director is on a rampage pissing and moaning. We are going to try to shoot two more scenes before we lose the natural light of the sun. I might make it home before midnight. Sorry, I didn’t call you to complain. I just wanted to hear your sweet voice and see how beautiful you look.”

“I’m glad you called.” You tried to think of things to say without mentioning the note. That would not put him in a good head space for his current job. Plus, you rather keep Pennywise away until the carnival. “Thank you for keeping the coffee warming for me. I was snuggling in your burnt orange sweater most of the day just reading.”

“What are you reading, Älskade?” He licked his lips. He knew how much you loved when he called you the Swedish pet name for beloved.

You whimpered a little before answering. “Angry God, All Saints High Book 3.”

“How about you show me what happened in the book when I get home tonight?” He winked. “I know that is one of those steamy ones you enjoy reading and acting out.”

“I think I have a particular passage we could have fun with.” You smirked.

“Hey Bill, we are ready to start.”  

“I have to go.” He sighed. “Make sure you eat today. Love you>”

“Love..”

He had to disconnect to head back to work. You eat as he reminded you. Then went back to reading your book imagining Bill doing all the good things you were reading. You put the book down when it became too much. You took a few deep breaths. You can wait for Bill to get home.  

You clean the house. Then watch a non-clown related scary movie. You wake from dozing off during a third movie in the franchise you were watcching. It is already after midnight. You head to bed in one of Bill’s t-shirts and nothing else. You figure he had to work later than he expected.  

Bill is completely exhausted when he finally makes it home. He takes a quick shower before sliding into bed next to you his head lays on your chest. His arm flopped over your waist. You sighed deeply still mostly asleep turning to hold him.

“You all right, baby?” You mumbled.

“mm” was the only sound he made before you both fell asleep.

You both slept in Saturday Oct 31st. When you finally woke Bill was mostly quiet, other than some pleasantries. He gave you a few small kisses through the afternoon. He made a delicious brunch that would sustain you into the evening. Treats later at the carnival would be enough. The carnival neither of you mentioned.

You were cuddling on the couch when he realized the time. “I have to get it.”

“Get what.” You were not sure for a second what he meant. Then a small bit of panic rolls over your face.

“The costume is in the back of our closet.” He got up. “I can’t believe they gave me that thing. I guess in times like this I am glad. Remember how much I love you at the end of the night.”

“I know.” You try to smile. “I love you too.”

He gets the outfit and everything that makes Pennywise, Pennywise from the back of the closet. You shiver as you hear Pennywise laughter. He comes out from the bedroom with everything in a garment bag and makeup case.  

He is silent as you follow him out to the black SUV. He drives holding your hand. Both of you seem a little nervous.  

“Are you going to help with his Make-up?” Bill finally broke the silence.

“I could.” you bite your lip.

“You should.” Bill brings your hand up to kiss your pulse point.  

You turn on the radio. Both of you sing along to your favorite songs. It is bad singing, but it breaks the tension until you pull into the destination.  

It is late after when you get to the carnival. White, orange, and red lights brighten the scene as dusk slowly starts to descend. Landon is waiting as you walk up to the entrance.  

“Hey, man thanks for doing this.” He started to walk and talk. “I have a private tent set up over here for you to get ready. Do you need any help or snacks?”

“I am helping him.” You smiled uneasily.

“Great.” Landon nodded and smiled.

Bill’s bottom lip stuck out as he smiled wide or no not Bill. The performance was already starting. “Cotton candy.” He sounded giddy. And two red balloons. One for me and one for my sweet girl. Would you like a red balloon too silly boy?” He sounded a bit menacing as he asked the last question.  

“Um I should save them for the kids.” He started backing out of the tent slow. “You cool?” He looked to you.

You just nodded. When Landon left, it was just you and Bob Grey. Bob Grey stripped to get fully into his Pennywise character. You helped him put on the costume. Landon brought the balloons and cotton candy while you were doing the Pennywise make-up.

“Looks great.” Landon swallowed hard a little terrified of the clown. “The Fun House is on the other side of the carnival so just walk or stalk through and do your thing.”

Pennywise looked at him and giggled. “What do you think, little one?” He was speaking to you yet still staring at Landon. His voices deepening to a gravel tone “He’ll float too. At the end of the He’ll float too.”

Landon jetted, hoping this was still a good idea. He thought it might be the worst idea he ever had. But it was too late to call Pennywise off now. He was going to be let loose on the carnival within a few hours.  

You had perfected helping him into the outfit, wig and putting Pennywise’s clown face on him. It still took a good four hours to get him ready. His white gloved hands creeping over your body as he giggled and growled did not help. Eventually you were. Done.  

He handed you a balloon and the cotton candy. “Time to play hide and seek. Go on and try to hide from Pennywise. Go on and play.” He giggled. I will find you soon enough.”

You made a b-line for the exit. You knew exactly what he wanted from you. And there was no where you could really hide. You just hoped he did not scare the children to much.

Pennywise stalked into the night with a red balloon in hand. As the guests start to see him, they have a few different reactions. Some drop whatever snack is in their hand and back away slowing. That is when Pennywise walks towards them.  

“Is it play time friends?” He cackled at a group that looked like they were unsure how real this all was. They ran from his view. After they got far enough away, they laughed at the fear the moment built in their chests.

When he caught some girls ogle him. Their boyfriends trying to be tough as shit. He slunk closer right behind one of the boys blabbing about how Pennywise could never scare him. He would protect the girlsl.

“I won’t let some pussy actor in a costume frighten...”  

He stopped as Pennywise’s breath was felt on his neck. The others just stared behind the blowhard at the massive scary clown.  

“Um Trevor maybe you should run.” His girl Beth suggested.  

“Yes, Trevor.” Pennywise drooled on his shoulder. “Run!”

The group bolted to the other side of the carnival. Trevor quickly untucked his shirt to hide the pee spot on his chinos.  

Pennywise gets over to some children with their parents waiting to get on a merry-go-round. As the gate opens for the ride the children pull the hands of the adults to go quickly. All but one little boy with his Mother can get on this time around. The child’s eyes were huge round saucers as Pennywise smiled at him.

He knelt to the child. “You want a balloon little boy?”  

A roaming photographer was snapping pictures capturing the moment as Pennywise attempted to hand the boy a balloon. He shook his head no, burying his face in his Mother’s side.  

Pennywise whined pouting. “Please, be my friend. No one will be my friend. I’m just a silly clown trying to make you smile and you won’t even look at me.” He looked up at the boy’s Mother who seemed to be memorized by his stare. “Maybe, your Mommy will be my friend?”

The kid shakes his head an emphatic no and his Mother giggled. “There is nothing wrong with this talented man dressed as a creepy clown, Joshua. Now turn around to get your picture taken.” She took the balloon Pennywise offered.  

Pennywise was giddy with laughter. He put his arm around the shaking boy who smiled fearfully. He was not sure if he was more scared of the clown or what his Mother would do to him if he did not listen to her.  

Pennywise got up to fully standing over the child’s Mother. “Now it is time to float.” He started showing his razor-sharp teeth.  

Just then the gate opened for them to get on the ride. Joshua pulled his Mother away from what looked to him a dangerous situation. Part of her was a little frightened for a moment but mostly she about creamed her pants with excitement.  

Pennywise left the kiddie area to stalk his favorite prey. The woman that helped him break though to this world once again. He was careful in the night air. Quiet as he could be other than a jingle from time to time, he hoped you would hear and know he was coming for you.

You walked around the carnival enjoying your cotton candy. Always having an ear open for him. You watched from afar as he scared the piss out of the jock. Him and his friends ran right passed you. You snickered. You saw him scare the younger ones near the merry-go-round. Then saw the lust in one Mother’s eyes and smirked.

There were a lot of shadow places to hide as you made your way to the fun house. You did not think he could see you even though you could hear a jingle. You were constantly spinning to look around you when you heard a noise. Then it was only a few feet of open space to get to the Fun House.

Pennywise was lurking. He enjoyed the chase. He loved the way you looked so panicky. The way you looked over your shoulder straight at him. But you never saw him in the shadows. 

The carnival was winding down. People were streaming out. You thought if you timed things exactly right you could hide in the stream of people to get in the Fun House. Lights were being dimmed or shut off as you made your break from behind the tilt-a-whirl, though the crowd, and right into the beast’s mouth. You heard screaming as you looked around to find your way through.

Pennywise came bounding out of the darkness with a snarl. Everyone who were walking slowly towards the exit picked up the pace. They screamed as he walked after them. He was always just steps behind. Some were laughing by the time they got to their vehicles. Others were holding their chests from their hearts beating so fast. A few little kids were crying. All agreed it was the best haunted carnival where a werewolf or Pennywise could be around the next corner.  

You kicked through the giant beach balls easily. Then dodged some blowup clowns in a room full of them. You were trying to find your way out of a pitch-black room you had to feel your way around when Pennywise entered the Fun House.

He popped the beach balls as he made his way across the room. He punched every blow up clown. A few came back up to smack him back. You heard him scream, “You fucking fake clowns are no match for Pennywise.” He growled. “I’m going to find you, little one.”  

He was going into the darkroom as you made it out. You saw the light from him entering. He saw where you exited. The next room was a mirror maze.  

“Fuck.”

You started to try to navigate your way. Then you heard him. The laughter of your clown from all directions. It was only seconds after that you saw him everywhere just smiling wickedly at you. There was nowhere to go but hopeful making it to the exit before him.

You felt around the glass to the next section. Pennywise giggled as he disappeared from your sight. You turned to right and then to the left and found way through behind you. His cackle echoed and when you thought you were almost free you slammed into a mirror almost knocking yourself out.

When you opened your eyes, his face was right up against the glass in front of you. He looked quite silly with his cute little nose squished against the window like he was looking a glorious Christmas display on the other side, or a delicious meal being prepared just for him. As he licked his lips you realized it was the latter to him.  

Then he did the thing. That thing that made you gasp aloud as you watched IT Chapter two. He licked the glass like it was wet ass pussy and he knew that sight would make your legs weak. And this was no artificial dog tongue. This was the real thing. You knew what he could do to you with it too.  

You pressed your thighs together. A whimper escaped your lips. He laughed. “Daddywise is going to make you float, little one. If not, tonight I will find you.”

How could he be so damn hot, funny, and scary as Hell? You made it to the slide twisting down to the ground. You were not sure Pennywise could even fit. It would be a tight queeze if he could. As soon as you hobbled a few stepped you heard the howl. You whirled your head around and you screamed.

Landon laughed his ass off. “A little jumpy, are we?” He had fury werewolf hands on and some fur around his face. Teeth of a wolf completed his makeshift costume,

You smacked his chest. “Not funny. I have been hiding from Pennywise all night and he is fucking nuts.”

He chuckled again. “Well, it is time to wrap up these childish games. Everyone else left. We are going to clean up in the morning. It is time to go home.”

“You are going to float, little one.” Pennywise yelled from the top of the slide.

“Hide.” You told Landon as you darted around the ticket booth.

“I got this.” He smirked. “I think I had a similar dance like this with him before. If he can ever get out of that slide.”

Pennywise could be heard scooting and grumbling as he shimmied down the twisty slide made for children and average sized adults. He ended up falling out of the bottle head first.  

Landon growled. Pennywise sneered when he made it to his feet. “Oh, what big eyes you have puppy. But not as big as mine.”

The werewolf kept snarling as Pennywise came closer.

“And what a nose.” He giggled. “I could chomp it right off. And those teeth almost as sharp as mine.” He showed off his sharp mouth full of razors. “Where is the girl and I might let you go.”

“I will save the girl from the liked you.” The werewolf challenge throwing his body towards the clown. “Your game here is over.”

Pennywise pinned the werewolf to the ticket booth. You were right on the other side. Your eyes peeking through a window watching to make sure things were not going too far. It seemed to you they were starting to.  

“My tasty girl wants me, not a scruffy creature like...”  

The werewolf squirmed. “Enough already Bill. I get it. Pennywise vs. The werewolf, Pennywise wins.”

“Always,” Pennywise giggled. “I am Pennywise the Dancing Clown. The eater of worlds. I easily can eat you.” He opened his mouth starting to freak Landon out a bit.

“Fuck, man.”

“Pennywise.” You came out from your hiding place. “Put the werewolf down.”

Pennywise looked at you, tilting his head like he was confused. “Playtime?”

“No, playtime is over.” You were firm with him.

He dropped Landon. “Play more. We were having fun. Pennywise have more fun with little one.” He pouted like a child.

“No, it is time to sleep.” you tried to demand.

“No, no, no.” He stomped. “One more game, please?” Pennywise begged you.

Landon did not know what to make of how his large friend was acting.

“All right.” You caved to his demand. “One more game. How about you chase me back to the dressing tent. Then you are done.”

“Yes.”  

You started running. Pennywise walked his huge steps after you. Landon went to take his costume off in the tent right beside the one you and Bill were going to. Pennywise let you get to the opening of the tent before he swooped you up.

He sat in the make-chair. Your legs wrapped around him and the chair. You Both giggled as you opened the large pack of make-up remover towelettes and adhesive remover pads.  

He booped your nose. “Pennywise loves playing with you, little one.”

“I like playing with you too.” You kissed him. “But the time for games are over. We are both a little tired. Time to go to sleep, Pennywise.”

He pouts. But that changes as you take out his teeth. His face relaxes as you remove the make-up. The adhesive remover helps to take the wig off.  

“Bill, I will take this stuff to the car.” You climb off his lap and start packing it all up as he slides off the costume and hangs it neatly in the garment bag. “You should go talk to Landon before we leave.

Bill takes a deep breath. “Yeah, I hope this event made plenty of money for the children’s hospital.”

“I think it did.” you walk out with the stuff.

Bill and Landon meet up right outside the tent.  

“Was it everything you hoped it would be?” Bill asked.

“And more than I could have ever imagined.” Landon offered him a cigarette. “So, you on board for next year.”

Bill lit the cigarette when Landon held a lighter up. “Sure thing.”

“ shee-it .” They said in unison and laughed.  

[borisbubbles]

20. SAN MARINO

Senhit - “Freaky!”

Before we start, SORRY for not updating sooner. PED hit me sooner *and* harder than I anticipated and one of my tooth fillings dropped, so I’m currently on painkillers. Also the EBU’s online ‘replacement show’ for the first semifinal... :shudders: 

However, allow me to bring some happiness into my life (and by proxy, yours), by discussing the one, the only, the true 2020 Queen of EuroTRASH....

...

...

... Samanta Tina, in a few updates. 🤭

Until then, let’s dish on Senhit.

Entry Analysis. 

Hang on. Senhit you say? THIS SENHIT?

Yes, I am FOREMOST cuckoo-completely for the fact that SRMTV dug up this haggard frump from her crypt and forced her to do Eurovision simply because they had no other options <3 (and also because they had an Azerbaijani hand-me-down more on that in NF Corner). I always liked Senile Drunk Auntie Senit more than probably should (yes, “Stand by” is boring but 2011 is a dungheap, LET ME HAVE MY RANDOM FAVES OKAY)

Second of all, the accompanying transformation of Senit into SenHIT. We went from this:

to this?

LIFE IS GOOD WHEN YOU’RE IN A FREAKING(!) MIDLIFE CRISIS. 

Holy shit, what a transformation into... idek what to describe FREAKY!’s video clip as? A neo-neon-nightmare, featuring aggressively sexual grinding by Senhit, inflicted upon half-naked men in a setting that borrow heavily from Hatari’s BDSM couture? It’s fucking BONKERS. 

 May I also remind you that Senhit is EVEN OLDER THAN *BICENTANNIAL WOMAN TAMTARATAM* and despite this she manages to sell her sexual aggression as a something *FUNNY* without making herself look like a desperate tart? HER POWER. 😍

I also have to mention the fucking MARKETING campaign that accompanied this mad, menopausal circus of bad taste. You diehards probably noticed the San Marino 2021 mugs (those HIDEOUS teal/pink/sand coloured mugs <3) like I did and like me probably thought it was an elaborate hoax? Turn out... it somehow *wasn’t* a hoax and you could order them on Senhit’s personal website??? WHAT??? Btw, forget about the mugs, how about PERSONALIZED CONDOMS?

SOLD OUT lmfao <3 Bet most Senhit fans never actually used a condom before <3

All of this hogwash for a song that can best be described as an irrideemable pile of disco dreck. 😍  God I was SO on board with UNIRONICALLY stanning San Marino for once. #YesWeSen. 

and... then Eurovision 2020 was taken away from me, you and Senhit, and my appreciation towards her quickly dried up before it could settle as unironic stanning.😬 Sigh. BUT WORRY NOT QUEEN’S GOT YOU COVERED.

<3

NF Corner

Oh my fucking god, yes, the codswallop that was “Digital Battle Eurovision”. So, after months of silence (other than Senhit nasically spoiling her participation on social media, which no one really took seriously because come on, it’s Senhit) San Marino held something that was supposed to pass as a “national final” and it’s the shoddiest thing I’ve ever seen in the 8 years I’ve been following the preshow <3 

Okay so... This is where Azerbaijan come in. You may not know this yet, but “Cleopatra” by Efendi was, at some point during development, given to San Marino. I’m not sure about the exact details, but from what I heard and assumed, Azer’s broadcaster Ichtimai decided they didn’t need “Cleopatra”, so they gave the demo to San Marino, who then recruited Senhit to sing it in. Sounds like fan fiction and fortunately for us the recordings have made they way to the yubtubs so I can prove you it is gospel. Observe:

Senhit - “Cleopatra”

YES QUEEN OF THE GAYS <3 (lol I should keep my opinions on Efendi’s Cleopatra hidden for now, but spoilers I am going to fucking RIP that crock of shit to shreds once I get there).

So anyway, at *SOME* point after giving “Cleopatra” to the San Marinese, Ichtimai must’ve decided that “nope, Cleopatra will be OUR entry, thx” and punted Senhit out of her glorious pseudo-historical trash anthem (more on that too when I rank Azerbaijan), a WEEK before the deadline, (😂🤣) which of course meant that San Marino had to *improvize*. 😅

Enter: a ramshackle SING-OFF between two songs, deadline ON THE MORNING OF THE DELEGATION MEETING. 🤣. Your choices:

SONG #1 A trashy disco song that never would have stood a prayer at Eurovision and would’ve been a disaster in every universe, especially *and* including our own, but was complete lip service towards any vocal Stan Marino.

SONG #2 The English translation of a competent, but somewhat tepid electropop song that Senhit had released in Italian in September, mere days after the 2020 season had started. Good, but nothing too exciting. 

Senhit - Obsessed

And honestly, it seemed clear that FREAKY! would win from second one? It seemed like the clear follow-up to Serhat (sorta?), a perfect fan service song to keep the balding gays busy so they don’t pick up their phones and vote for boring shit such as Gjon’s Tears. However, when FREAKY! won it was revealed it had only won by a TINY margin over Obsessed anyway. What the FUCK was this year honestly and why does NONE of it make sense. 

San Marino 2020 & San Marino 2021

I mean... yes, the second semifinal was compiled of a series of oozing trashheaps and boring smug, and yes, both demographs would provide qualifiers and no, Senhit *never* would’ve been one of them, being stuck in the first half. 

It would seem as if “FREAKY!” was a worthy successor to “Say na na na”, but I don’t think that comparison really works. The only things those two songs have in common is their camp and their singer’s inability to sing (lol have I ever said a positive thing about Serhat, ever, in print? I should counteract that by saying something kind: Serhat is very good at... um... being a dentist. 🙂)

However, “Say na na na” also had a universally positive message, even if it adhered the tried-and-true “BELIEVE IN YOURSELF IF YOU DO THIS BANALE THING” cliché.” FREAKY!” literally is a hodgepodge of acid trippy menopausal nonsense, which I personal find more endearing, but Europe would swiftly whisk towards the rubbish bin for being bad and female. C’est la vie. 

Nada on 2021 yet and given how desperate and scarce with information San Marino are, I expect no news until the literal last minute. I personally wouldn’t be too surprised if they withdrew, but eh, I wouldn’t lose sleep over it. As long as we have Samanta Demon to cover our trip-hop-trash needs, I couldn’t rly care less about San Marino. 

FREAKY! FRIDAY! FACTOR!

I mean, even if you had *any* doubts how well Senhit would score in the category I named after her, let me recap

- San Marino recruited a random-ass-returnee nobody really asked for. - They initially gave her an Azeri hand-me-down trashpop song about a Macedonian-Greek pharaoh - Azerbaijan then took BACK said hand-me-down trashpop song and made it their entry - Which forced San Marino to flimsily put together a last-minute digital NF where you could decide which of these two HOPELESS songs would facilitate their NQ - The deadline of which was set *ON THE MORNING OF THE DELEGATION MEETING IN ROTTERDAM* (aka the literal submissions deadline) - The obvious winner *almost* lost the vote everyone expected them to win (again!) - and of course: the video clip, the website, the emails, the slogans, the CONDOMS. This is honestly what FREAKY! FRIDAY! FACTORS! are made for. Happily take away the first (but not last) perfect score, queen. 

Score: 5 Senhits out of 5. 

[hecohansen31]

Can I request something for mean daddy Roman? He went with you while you were helping Peter pick clothes for a date and He's mad because you called Peter cute even though it was a platonic gesture.

(A/N): Hello there, lovely!

I just… had a small heartattack once I read this ask, because… BITCH MEAN JEALOUS DADDY! ROMAN IS MY THING (I hate jealous boys, like if I ever ended up with a possessive boy… boy bye, but I can make an exception for Roman, he is my.. exception, excuse me while i cry because… he isn’t real).

(Santa Claus can I get him in my stocking? You can save on the clothes).

But seriously, thank you sweetie and sorry for taking so long (I also changed it a bit, because I had an idea for it, I hope you won’t mind, but if you do mind it, let me know and I’ll rewrite the ask!).

WARNINGS: Daddy! Roman (Slight Mention of DDLG relationship/Dom-Sub Dynamic), Choking and Slapping, Oral Sex (Male Receiving), Unprotected (Mirror) Sex (please stay safe… get those condoms and don’t pop children and STDs!), Rougher Than Usual.

Your relationship with Peter, unlike the one you had held with Roman, went back on older grounds.

When he had first come in town, you had been one of his first friends, mostly because you came from the same social class, hence you had many more things in common with him than with Roman, who you low key hated not only for the arrogance he constantly showed, but also because your father had been unemployed from the White House.

You had also slowly matured a crush towards Peter, although you were well-aware (or at least you were now) that you would never have a chance, as long as Letha was around.

Still you had managed, back in the time, to go on a date with Peter…

… for which you had been stood up for Letha.

You still remembered trying to call Peter, the phone finally him picking up just to release tiny and breathy moans and you had just ended the call rather quickly, waiting, in an extremely ‘emo’ way (you had to admit it) outside your house, meanwhile it poured rain outside.

And in that atmosphere, you had spotted Roman, looking around dazed and confused.

By that time, your relationship with the Godfrey brat had grown closer, although you would keep on using a façade of sarcasm and irritation, whenever you had to talk with him.

But you hadn’t been simply able to actually let him just drench himself.

You had rushed into the rain, well aware that you were also getting pretty drenched, pushing the boy for his shirt inside your house.

‘What the fuck were you doing here, idiot?’ you had asked, meanwhile you had disrobed quickly the catatonic Roman, who just looked like he had gone through some pretty rather heavy shit and made you question whether the coke had (finally) gone to his head.

“… I… Letha… Peter…” he mumbled, although his eyes wouldn’t still focus and didn’t follow the movements of your fingers, making you actually wonder if the hospital should be involved, but chose to avoid it because there was a light shade of sadness in Roman’s eyes, that couldn’t be cured with any medicine.

‘They kind of fucked us over’ you mumbled, pushing a rather fluffy towel through Roman’s hair, meanwhile he just pushed his head onto your chest, kind of trying to get comforted “What if we screw them over’

That phrase got something to act into Roman’s face, and before you knew it, he had gotten himself out of his catatonic state, looking up at you, a new emotion in his beautiful changing eyes: attraction.

Chills went down your spine, but they weren’t unpleasant, and you hadn’t felt anything like that since ever…

… and maybe it was the burning rejection you had received by Peter and the slight brewing attraction you had started feeling towards Roman, definitely something to do with the duality of hate and love.

You ended up in bed together that night and that had started a long story of hook-ups which benefitted you and Roman.

But you were pretty sure that simple ‘hook-ups’ didn’t stay in each other’s bed even the morning and that they got breakfast in there (you usually did it, since Roman would just collect something that could be eaten on the go or get some maid or butler to get something for you both).

After Letha’s death and Peter’s disappearing (with whom you had stayed as a friend, even through he teased you about your ‘relationship’ with Roman, saying ‘it wouldn’t last the summer’) you had been the only one who had stood there for Roman and even though he had pushed and pulled onto the link you had together… you had eventually grown into a semi-healthy relationship.

It wasn’t sex anymore, but Roman still hadn’t said those three words.

Not that you were expecting it to happen, mostly when he would look at you like the entire world for him ended and began with you and Nadia.

Your friendship with Peter had, also, resisted the distance and, although Roman hadn’t been happy of his return in city (you knew all too well that he didn’t know how to feel about Peter possibly meeting Nadia), you had immediately welcomed him back with open arms.

What you didn’t understand and couldn’t know was Roman’s jealousy towards your friendship.

He had had a crush on you since the moment you had joined their group, although he hadn’t acted up onto it: you were the only girl who treated him like he was less than the shit under her sneakers and he couldn’t help but find you beautiful with your sweet determinations and concealed gentleness.

You had never seemed to want him.

He knew all too well of your past crush onto Peter and he couldn’t help but be jealous of the way your relationship had started and processed: it was lighthearted and gentle, soft and pretty full of laughs, meanwhile yours with Roman was heavy and many times it was more an off-relationship, than an actual one.

(It was his fault most of the time but…).

So, he didn’t like you hanging out with Peter, since his return.

‘He abandoned us when we fucking needed him, how can you forgive him so easily?’ he had snarked out at you at dinner the previous night, when you had suggested helping out Peter with his mother’s bail.

‘He had his own things to deal with…’ you had tried to reply, meanwhile you had raised your glass of red wine to your lips, barely able to wet them with it, before Roman stormed out of the dining room, screaming:

‘We fucking had our own things to deal with, too!’.

Still Roman’s bad mood hadn’t stopped you form trying to hang out with Peter, like that day, when you had taken him into one of the stores that sold Roman’s expensive suits, to get him one to wear in court for his mother’s case.

The clerks had been pretty amicable, although they had looked at you with a shred of suspect, and you had had to explain that the shaggy man beside you was a friend of your family, needing a suit for an important business event.

And when you had gotten out your own credit card they hadn’t spoken anymore, preferring to take Peter’s measurements than to actually discuss you, the futurde Mrs. Godfrey according to anyone.

You just sipped champagne, meanwhile you and Peter judge badly the uncomfortableness of each jacket, passing a rather entertaining evening, before you both went to different roads, you deciding to shop a bit more, meanwhile Peter went back to Destiny’s apartment, thanking you for the little break from the heavy life he was going through.

“Ahhh, Petie you are my best friend, you can always come to me when you need it” you said, meanwhile hugging him tightly, and he smirked in your shoulder.

“Won’t Roman be pissed?” he asked, jokingly, getting a rather unamused smirk from you.

“Since when do I let Roman boss me around?”.

That night you had come home rather early, sending home the entire staff, thinking that cooking might help you a bit, alongside wanting to cherish ‘the asshole of your life’, before you checked onto Nadia, who was sleeping peacefully and softly stirred in her sleep, just to cuddled into your hand.

When you were descending the stairs, you felt the door open and went to welcome your lover, just to be welcomed by a disgruntled expression and tight lips that didn’t speak for the entire dinner, something which made the entire experienced rather awkward, but you knew better than to confront Roman on his childish behavior.

Your day had been rather peaceful, and you didn’t want to ruin it because Roman had a ‘lover spat’ with Doctor Pryce.

You waited for him to talk to you, meanwhile you were getting ready with all your lotions and treatments, meanwhile Roman turned around, trying to focus his attention on a dossier he was examining, but his eyes kept shifting on you.

“My day was good, thank you for asking” you mumbled as you started brushing your hair, not trying to turn to face him “… I am glad to hear yours was nice, too, goodnight to also you, Roman”.

“My day wasn’t actually nice, and you know why?” Roman’s eyes were staring into you from the mirror “… because my pretty girlfriend, the only one for me, decided to ditch off with my ex-best friend, who I told her to avoid”.

“Since when are you the one who decides who I can hang out with?” you retorted, pushing your hair in a loose braid, perfect for sleeping, meanwhile you simply brushed a bit of your lavender oil onto your neck, since it always seemed to relax you “It isn’t like I do that with you”.

“Oh, then you will be ecstatic to know that I’ll invite Bella at lunch tomorrow”.

He knew exactly where to hit you, that vicious piece of shit.

It wasn’t a secret that you disliked his secretary Bella: she was a pretty thing, who didn’t mind flirting with Roman like he hadn’t a girlfriend and she was definitely different from Peter, who knew you were with Roman and wouldn’t try a move on you.

You just shut up, not wanting to fight with an obviously annoyed Roman till he knocked some sense in himself, but when you turned around to get to bed, you found him next to your mirror, looking at you so intensively that you knew this wouldn’t be over soon.

“… would you like if Bella came to lunch, with your daddy, little girl?” he pointed each words with such a tight tone that you knew exactly what he was doing, only heightened by the way he pushed his grip onto your chin to make you look up at him.

“You are a fucking moron” you spitted out, exiting the grip, and moving to turn around, but this time Roman reached out for your neck, gripping it softly, but firmly and you knew that your words had hit the mark.

“… such a bad word for such a little girl” he mumbled his tone having softened relatively but this didn’t mean it wasn’t threatening anymore “… maybe this is the reason why I like Bella more than you”.

You reached out a hand in the front of his pants, and although you knew you would be punished because he hadn’t given you the permission, you cupped his bulge through the loose sweatpants he went to sleep in.

“… could Bella make you feel so good, daddy?” you shot back, before your hands gripped him tighter, following the outline of the bulge with your palm, before you pushed yourself to lick a little strip over his pants “… could she, daddy?”.

Roman honestly looked like he was already losing your mind and you smirked at him.

But then Roman’s hold tightened, effectively stealing your breath and you already knew that there would be a light sign of his hand on your neck, tomorrow.

“Since when are you the one who asks questions, little whore?” he asked you, your eyes meeting perfectly “… are you this talkative with Peter?”.

“Why don’t you ask him?” you almost expected the slap hat followed your brattish comment.

It wasn’t mean to hurt you, it was more meant to sting your face to bring you to focus definitely onto Roman, who sent you a rather harsh look, although you realized that he was simply toying with you.

“Stop fucking talking back to me” he pointed out each word and made you back down into the mirror “… I wanted to be nice with you, but you don’t leave me no choice”.

And he pushed up your chin with his index and thumb, tilting it lightly up so that you could look at his face, and more importantly his disappointed eyes.

You didn’t talk, knowing that your little stunt had pushed you too far and had you tried to talk back more, it wouldn’t have gone to your favor.

Roman seemed to appreciate your control onto your biting lips, gently slipping a hand to caress your stinging face, before his finger gently traced the outline of your lips.

“This is better, but I think that you now need to earn your forgiveness, little one” he gently suggested, caressing your hair, meanwhile he used them to move you closer to his bulge till your face was smashed, almost uncomfortably against it “… what do you say, when this happens, sweetheart?”.

“I am sorry, daddy” you mumbled, meanwhile your hands went obediently behind your back, Roman smirking at that sight, meanwhile he eased his sweatpants, showing that he hadn’t worn his boxers and you soon were face to face with manhood “… let me make it up to you”.

Roman smirked and allowed himself into your mouth, letting you play your game with languid strokes of your tongue and your lips gently teasing him with kisses, but he had soon enough and he pushed you by the hair to choke onto his cock.

You had just the time to relax your throat before Roman set up a maddening pace and you were just able to cover your teeth with your lips, trying to gain some balance with your upper body, meanwhile Roman did his bidding, using in your mouth in a shameless way.

He pushed your head up so that your glossy eyes could meet his, smirking at you, pleasure coursing through him thanks to your expert gestures, and soon his eyes closed giving in to pleasure and much more violent thrusts, although the rhythm slowed, but it didn’t mean that you were allowed to breath more.

Roman didn’t warn you when he came, although you felt it as your mouth fell onto his balls, teasing them to get a breather from the ruthless rhythms of his hips, finding them tight and hard, and just the right amount of pressure onto his slit was enough for him to let go.

Your mouth was soon full of salty taste and some even dribbled out of your mouth as Roman relieved yourself of the heavy weight of his cock, still hard, although he had cum already.

He didn’t even bother to clean his seed from your lips, and just turned you around, making sure you were watching the mirror, as he slipped into you pushing the nightgown to your waist and pulling your panties to the side, some kind of animal urgency to have you, shining in his eyes.

It was a bit painful at first, although you were sinfully wet for having worshipped your lover on your knees, because of the sudden thrust Roman delved into you, hitting further than he usually did, wanting to leave a mark with the way he stretched you.

“Fucking tight like a little virgin…” he mumbled onto your ear, onto which he lowered, making you feel the unnatural coldness of his chest , his short hair lightly tickling your shoulder, meanwhile an hand came to your chest kneading roughly your breasts “… I am so fucking lucky to have a cunt like that… am I not, princess?”.

You just nodded, pleasure finally overcoming you, as Roman’s thrust became more settled and organized, hitting that point inside you, meanwhile his rough hands over the silky material of your expensive nightgown made thrills appear onto your back.

“… and aren’t you lucky to have a cock that fills you up so good” he shot back, pointing each word with a sharp thrust, making you almost bump into the mirror, hadn’t his hold onto your waist been that strong to stop you “… aren’t you, little one?”.

He obviously wanted an answer and hadn’t you been well aware that you had already broken every rules, you would have sassed him out, but some part of you honestly thought that you just couldn’t resist him anymore, mostly when he was doing it almost reassured his position in your life.

“Fucking lucky, daddy” you mumbled in high pitched moan, opening your eyes to the beautiful image of your bodies entwined together, your mouth opened in a moan of ecstasy, meanwhile Roman was looking darkly at your body and before you knew it…

… you were lost, in your own little climax, closing momentarily your eyes, till you felt suddenly Roman’s cold skin, completely against your back, making you both lose your balance, tumbling down off your mirror drawer, both of you laughing as soon as you realized the absurdity of the situation.

“We are too old for this” you mumbled, meanwhile he pushed himself out of you, making you moan softly, his semen exiting you and slightly coating both your stomach and legs.

“… absolutely” he retorted, helping you up, settling your body in a more comfortable position “…shit we certainly don’t have the energy anymore”.

You just sent him a look as if to say ‘you just had me suck you off and then fucked me onto my mirror drawer, so shut the fuck up, you old man, you fucking still got it’ and he simply smirked, gently wiping away some your mixed juices from your thighs, tasting it from his fingers.

You simply moaned due to your sensitivity and this unlocked something in him, finally realizing that he might have overreacted a bit, gently pushing you into his arms, meanwhile he laid you softly onto the bed, letting you out of your clothes, before he moved to collect something to clean you up.

And once he was done comforting and cleaning your body, peppering it jokingly and much more softly with kisses, he finally slipped you in your most comfortable pajamas.

When you were settled, he gently cuddled next to you, smirking softly and blowing a gentle kiss onto your forehead

“I am sorry for being jealous of Peter, it’s just…” you gently turned to him, bringing him in a soft kiss, the first of the night, before you grabbed with enough force his face to make him grimace.

“… just settle your problems with him” you mumbled, before your lips lingered over his, in a teasing matter that got him almost a kiss, before you turned around, smirking sassily “… goodnight, daddy!”

[lookslikechill]

DW Valentine’s Special

I felt driven to write a little something for Valentine’s Day featuring Alistair Sheep and Miles Crawford, one of the Main couples, or arguably The Main Couple, in my novel-beast wip Daydream Walking.  I’m super happy with how it came out, to the point where I have to include it in my first draft, so I hope you enjoy it too!  Here is a playlist for them, and the writing is below the cut since it is rather long.

Come On Closer by Jem

You sit back now Just relax now I'll take care of you

Marlene On The Wall by Suzanne Vega

Observe the blood, the rose tattoo Of the fingerprints on me from you

Like Real People Do by Hozier

I had a thought, dear However scary

HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T by Fall Out Boy

The distance between us It sharpens me like a knife

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! by Cher

In my flat all alone How I hate to spend the evening on my own

Say Amen (Saturday Night) by Panic! At The Disco

Swear to God, I ain't ever gonna repent Mama, can I get another amen?

Shiver by Maroon 5

And I shiver when I hear your name I think about you, but it's not the same

Storm Song by Phildel

I'll send a storm to capture your heart and bring you home.

My Moon My Man by Feist

Take it slow Take it easy on me Shed some light Shed some light on things

The Lightning Strike (What If This Storm Ends) by Snow Patrol

I want pinned down I want unsettled Rattle cage after cage Until my blood boils

NFWMB by Hozier

If I was born as a black thorn tree I'd wanna be felt by you, held by you Feel the power of your hand on me

Bonus Couple Song:  Your Man by Josh Parker Bonus Alistair Song: Little Pistol by Mother Mother Bonus Miles Song: Baby, You’re A Haunted House by Gerard Way

Content Warnings: Mentions of murder and death, some swearing.  Also the presence of a weapon. There is no smut here!!  But there is (hopefully) sexual tension, romance, and a good lot of kissing and touching.  

Alistair was in the small, well-lit break room at the tail end of a long day, with a lit cigarette in his right hand and a cup of joe in his left.  The shape of the room was long and narrow.  One long wall hosted a number of square windows through which the harsh, bright afternoon sunlight shone, while the other was taken up by a kitchen stove and one long counter with cabinets below.  On the stove sat a steaming percolator, on the counter beside the stove sat a wide, heavy ashtray, leaned against the counter next to the ashtray stood Alistair.  

He was tapping ashes off into the ashtray when Miles ambled his way in.  He had a way of moving that captured Alistair’s attention instantly; steady and confident, back straight, shoulders relaxed, pace consistent, like a well-trained hounddog at the height of his career.  Miles settled in front of the stove and into pouring himself some coffee.  “You should come home with me tonight,” he muttered, and jostled Alistair out of his thoughts.  He took a drag off his cigarette as anxiety crawled up his spine.

They had never existed together, intimately, outside of Alistair’s apartment, except for the smallest of hints or touches that could not possibly be seen or heard by another human being.  His apartment was safety, he knew every corner like he knew his own body, he knew the exits, he knew where he kept the knives, and he knew where every single dangerous creak, squeak, or groan existed in the furniture and in the floorboards and in the walls. “No,” he said on an exhale.

“Please,” Miles said without looking at him.  The clacking of the spoon against Miles’ cup as he stirred filled the room.  Was he being that loud on purpose?  Alistair couldn’t help sneaking a look toward the door, wide open to the rest of the department.

“Why?”

“You’ll like it.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Trust me.”  Alistair worked his lips around the end of the cigarette, damp yet firm, and took another drag.  “I’ll pick you up.”

“No.”

“Fine, you can follow me.  Civilian cars, civilian clothes.”

Alistair hesitated.  Miles slurped coffee out of his mug.  A phone rung somewhere in the building and a car started outside.  Trust me.  He heaved a sigh and put out his cigarette.  “Okay.”  He dropped his voice further and looked Miles in the face for the first time since he’d entered the room.  “Thirty minutes after we’re off duty.  I’ll be parked on Gerard Street.”

Before Miles, with his curls and his staring, seeing eyes, could respond, Sinclair walked his stupid ass into the room, and declared: “Hey, guys!  What’s happening?”

“Murder!” Alistair just barely didn’t yell. “Just talking about murder!”

“Happens all the time,” Miles confirmed grimly as he refilled his cup.  “It’s really very unfortunate.”

Quickly becoming somber, Sinclair nodded.  “It’s true.  It’s very unfortunate.  Anyway, let me in on that coffee action, Crawford.”

At 6:30pm, Alistair was sitting in his Ford on Gerard Street, in regular, soot-gray trousers and jacket.  He’d managed to bathe, mostly to get rid of hat hair, and he hadn’t had a cigarette since dropping into his apartment.  He idly chewed on the inside of his cheek and tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he scanned the street for Miles Crawford’s cream Hudson.

He stopped tapping and sat up a little straighter when he saw the Hudson turn off of Golding Street onto Gerard.  His car rumbled and chugged around him as Miles drove right past him without making eye contact or at all acknowledging his existence.  When he could see Miles approaching the end of the street in his mirror, he pulled out and around to follow.

His anxiety lessened as he followed Miles through and around city blocks and out into the outer expanses of Port Cassandra.  Soon the ocean and the city alike were obscured by trees both tall and numerous with thick underbrush groveling at their feet.  Not only did Alistair feel calmer, now he was able to feel a spot of anticipation, a spark of excitement about where Miles was leading him.  He had never been to Miles’ home, and he had never heard him speak of it either.

Eventually Miles pulled off the main road onto one both rougher and narrower, and Alistair followed.  The road wound through the trees, and in places the branches reached out and scraped against the sides and roof of his car.  He flinched only because of the noise, not because of the damage.  His car was not one that was in mint condition, nor was it very new.

The trees broke slightly, and through them he could see slivers of ocean, flashes of beach, and, finally, a stout log cabin, all sharp angles and natural grains and colors, yet clearly weathered.  The cream Hudson, light and shiny against the backdrop of the forest, the greenery, and the cabin, pulled up close to what was clearly the cabin’s rear before stopping.  Alistair pulled up alongside and cut the engine.

He got out of his car with some effort.  The slamming of their car doors seemed loud and intrusive out here.  He came around to greet Miles between their two vehicles.  “This is where you live?”  There was a touch of awe to his tone that he did not intentionally put there.  

“Yeah,” Miles said.  He was holding a rather large paper bag in one arm.  He was wearing brown trousers with a blue, casual button-up tucked in.  “My father left it to me when he died.”

“Oh.”  He was a bit shaken by this.  Miles had never spoken of his father before.  “I didn’t know your father was dead.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.  He wasn’t a good man.”

That made it the opposite of fine!  Alistair gingerly, slowly stepped close to Miles and set a hand on his shoulder.  Before he could say anything, though, Miles kissed him on the mouth.  He gasped and stepped back, quickly taking stock of their surroundings and seeing . . . no one.  

He turned back to see Miles wearing a shit-eating grin.  “Let’s not talk about that right now.  Come home with me, Alistair.”  

A shiver ran up his spine and he found himself smiling back at him.  “Okay.”

It turned out the bag Miles was carrying contained wine, crackers, cheese, and apples.  Alistair hadn’t thought to bring anything aside from himself and the condoms that lived in the pocket of the jacket he was wearing, so he sliced the cheese and apples and displayed them on a plate with the crackers while Miles filled two glasses with wine.  Of course, filling glasses with wine didn’t take much time, so after that he stood back and watched Alistair work.  And drank wine.  

Alistair still wasn’t used to being watched in a good way.  He was always so worried about being seen and found out.  “What are you looking at?”  He asked as he set the dirtied knife and cutting board into the sink in the cabin’s kitchen.  The inside of the cabin was small but clean and cozy.  In the living room there was a wide, short couch with a matching coffee table.  

“You,” Miles said as Alistair walked past and set the plate of crackers, cheese, and fruit next to the open bottle of wine and his own waiting glass.  “The look on your face, determined. The way you do things.  It’s very . . . “  His voice was breathy, low and loose.  “Effective.”

Alistair picked up his glass in one hand and stood up straight, looking Miles in the face.  Dark eyes, relaxed and calm, stared back at him.  “Yeah?”

Miles pushed off the wall he was laying his weight against and came around the coffee table.  He laid a hand against Alistair’s chest and pushed gently.  “Yeah.  Sit down, relax.”

Alistair obeyed.  Miles wiggled himself into the space between him and the arm of the couch, and threw his arm over Alistair’s shoulders.  “Drink,” he said into Alistair’s ear, his hot breath ghosting over the side of his face and the smell of wine hitting his nose.

He made physical effort to relax as he took a long sip of red wine.  He leaned into Miles and relaxed into the couch.  “I feel you have done all the work here,” he admitted, eyes on the wine wobbling in his glass.

“Not all of it,” Miles said, so close to him.  “Just most of it.  But don’t worry about it, I chose to do the work.  I just wanted to get you out here, I thought you would like it.”

He sighed, trying to expel the shreds of tension that fought so valiantly to cling to the inside of his chest.   He took another sip of wine and turned his face to Miles’.  “I do like it.”  He leaned more heavily into Miles, practically laying all the weight he could on him, and looked him in the eye before downing the entire glass of wine.  He set the glass gently on the table, beside the bottle, with a small ‘clink’.  “I just need you to fuckin’ kiss me before I have to go smoke a cigarette.”

Miles cradled his face with one hand and kissed him.  It was a gentle, soft, close-lipped kiss.  It was the sort of kiss Alistair remembered giving and receiving for the first time as a teenager.  Then, it was an experiment.  Now, it was a taunt.  

Alistair turned his head, opened his mouth, and Miles pulled back.

“Wait,” Miles said.

“What?”

“I love you.”

For a long moment, he was thrown speechless.  He probably looked like a deer in the headlights, or like an idiot, or maybe both.  He wasn’t expecting it- although, if he were to think about it, it wasn’t surprising from Miles.  And it wasn’t like he had never thought about how he felt about Miles, sex aside.  There was a lot to their interactions now that could not be discounted as just . . . buddies helping each other out.

Like the wine and the cheese on the table, and the way Alistair had made sure he didn’t have disgusting cigarette mouth before he got here, and how Miles had practically negotiated him out here because he thought he would like it.  Thought he would like it- no, Miles thought he could relax here.  And he was right.

He leaned forward and pressed one more chaste kiss to Miles’ lips, and then another to his cheek.  “I love you too,” he whispered against his skin, and shivered, but he wasn’t cold.

He felt Miles exhale, heavy and fast, like he was relieved, and then he was laughing a bit under his breath and his arms were tight around Alistair and he was kissing up his neck and nibbling his beard.

“Oh, my God,” Alistair managed, and he wasn’t unhappy.  He was smiling again.  He looked out at the darkening sky through the cabin windows, and he saw the trees, and he heard the night distantly.  He could not deny that this felt nice.

“I thought you’d freak out,” Miles admitted with his face pressed into Alistair’s shoulder.  There was humor in his voice, though it was a legitimate concern.  

“Yeah, well, I didn’t,” he muttered.

Miles lifted his head and kissed him, and this time his mouth was open.  He tasted like wine.  His tongue was clever and his teeth were careful.  Alistair’s mouth was his for the taking.

Alistair surged out of his grasp, but only to throw himself into his lap.  He tossed his bad leg over Miles and shoved his right foot against the floor to push himself into position.  They only ceased kissing for the moment it took him to reposition.

He ran his hands up Miles’ neck and into his short, curly hair, cradling the back of his neck.  He felt Miles’ hands on his waist, massaging their way down through his clothes.  He bit gently at his lower lip, and Miles gasped.

“Alistair!”  He exclaimed, and pulled his gun out of its holster at his hip.  “Really?”

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam Austin episode 4 reaction

part of me is laughing at the number of people in the Facebook comments asking, “Is this on Netflix?”

Episode 4

Clip 1 - Sad couch crew

I felt Tyler and Shay were being friendly to Megan here, not snide, at least on a superficial level. Though I guess you can take their excitement about the concert as passive-aggressiveness.

Tyler mentioning the Illuminati - how very Isak. TBH I really hope Julie is making both Shay and Tyler gay, since they’re dividing up the Isak moments between the two. I’m fine if Tyler doesn’t get the big season-long arc and it goes to Shay instead, I’d love to see her get it. But it’s just going to leave such a bad taste if they’ve made Isak into a wlw with no equivalent to the gay male representation that already existed, when there are many supposedly straight female characters who could be have been made into wlw. Especially the Vilde equivalent, who you could easily give a story about discovering and accepting her sexuality, or the Chris character, who didn’t have her own season and really didn’t have any substantial character issues suggested on the level of Vilde’s home life, and would benefit from a meaty arc. 

I love Shay, she’s definitely one of the highlights of the show, I’m just tired of all the fighting over whether it’s better for S3 to focus on a gay boy or a lesbian and seeing a lot of gross shit in the discussions that’s either minimizing the importance of an f/f storyline because homophobia is worse for men in Texas/lesbians don’t have it that bad/lesbians are already represented on TV because they’re accepted by straight men who find them sexy/someone doesn’t care about lesbians and will only accept Evak 2.0, or minimizing the importance of Evak/another m/m storyline because Skam and the other remakes already have gay ships so don’t get greedy/gay men are already accepted because look at all the m/m on Tumblr and AO3/people only want another Evak because they’re disgusting fetishizers. It’s fucked up how most of these talk relies on the assumption that there can be only one LGBT story on Skam at a time and not pushing back on why it goes without question that S1 and a hypothetical S2 about Grace/Daniel can both be about heterosexual relationships. 

Not to be one of those obnoxious people referencing YA novels in response to real life situations, but it makes me think of Katniss at the climax of Catching Fire when her group of Tributes is fighting the Career Tributes and she fires at the force field instead. Remember who the real enemy is. 

That’s a joke, don’t take that too seriously.

Anyway I’m tired. 

Considering how shitty he’s been acting previously, Tyler not laughing at Marlon’s comments and just deliberately eating a potato chip is a step up for him.

Speaking of the chips, they disappear in between shots and I guess Tyler could be putting the bag on the floor between takes or something but it looks like a regular old continuity error.

Marlon is a mega dick and I dislike him but I kinda can’t believe that I agreed with him about the team’s social standings vs. their practice time. But it was Marlon who said it so it sounded like a dick move.

See, he’s been such a dick that it’s hard to feel sorry for him! But also he’s in the right to feel hurt about the concert.

I don't have much to say except he is the least convincing person to be talking about how he’s not upset and he doesn’t care. He’s so obviously pissed.

There’s just not a shred of chemistry between these two. I don’t get why they’re together, I don’t get what they like about each other, they barely seem to have much fun together. There isn’t much of a rapport.

Pointless personal anecdote #1: When this clip came out, I watched it on my phone at a graduation party, and I'm not kidding, in the few minutes while I was watching some middle-aged parents started talking about wanting to move to Texas when they retire, and they named cities and singled out Austin as a bad choice because “it’s been overtaken by liberals,” lmao. There was no way they could have realized I was watching a show set in Austin. The stars just aligned.

Clip 2 - Kelsey, no

Grace is really concerned about Kelsey sleeping with Daniel so soon, probably because what happened in her own past messed her up.

“Ever since I was a little girl watching the Super Bowl, I knew I was going to lose my virginity to a football player.” .... when I was a little girl watching the Super Bowl I only cared about seeing the commercials with the pretty horses.

“It was like he was going down on me, but in my mouth” … oh my God … someone SAVE this child.

Kelsey, you don’t even know what anyone going down on you in the “correct” place feels like, and this just makes you sound like inexperienced and Not Ready . And I’m glad Meg and Grace are suitably horrified.

Oh, they actually mentioned the issue of insurance, that’s good. But she looked a little uncomfortable with the topic of insurance, so if she has a similar financial situation to Vilde, insurance might be an issue? Or, as was hinted later via texts, she might have a super religious or conservative mom who would not take her to the doctor. She might be able to go to Planned Parenthood for birth control except I’m not sure if minors can get prescriptions for the pill without parental consent because well, Texas.

I checked out of curiosity and it looks like the only type of birth control you can get at PP without parental consent are condoms and lol, Grace already had that covered.

“You know you should use a condom, right?” “What if he doesn’t want to use a condom?” “Then you know you shouldn’t have sex with him.” YES. JESUS. Thank you Grace.

“I talked to Jo this weekend and I prayed about it last night” Oh come on, they’re going to have her mention praying about Zoya’s participation on the team and then not even address the sex-religion topic? Okay. Kelsey doesn’t even have to be abstinent or opposed to premarital sex, not all Christians are, I feel like it just makes sense for someone to be like, “Isn’t having sex before marriage against your religion?” And if Kelsey objected to the question on the grounds that they’re making assumptions about her religion, they could always come back at her with “Well, you assumed Muslims couldn’t dance.”

Kudos to Grace for talking sense about the Zoya situation and being very calm and careful about the Daniel thing.

Clip 3 - Backseat

The editing at the start of the clip made me think the mom might be talking to Megan at first but no, the mom is on her phone. Mom’s communication skills weren’t so great in this clip.

The dialogue is pretty on the nose and super specific to the theeeeeeme, with the mom putting all this implied pressure on Megan, but the passive aggressiveness about Megan’s dad is sadly accurate to how certain married-with-kids dynamics are, with the parents always at each other’s throats and dismissive of each other and not caring about how the kids react to these constant fighting. 

I saw some people wondering why Megan was sitting in the backseat and honestly, that didn’t seem too weird to me. It’s not typical but I’ve ridden in the backseat even when I was the only passenger before (usually because sometimes riding in the front seat makes me sick)  but I could see like, a moody teenager wanting to text her boyfriend and not wanting her mom to glance over at her phone. Although the simplest explanation is that Julie wants to hide the parents’ faces.

I didn’t even notice the giant concert posters at first, I was focused on the homeless man. I am assuming he was there to remind us of the stakes to succeed in this world if you’re much of a “dreamer” as Meg’s mom puts it, where if you don’t get a good job that can be you living on the streets, and to get a good job you need to get a degree from a good school, and to get a degree from a good school you need to perform well in high school, and if you make one mistake you are ruined, RUINED forever. 

Meg trying to ask her mom for relationship advice and instead getting reminded that her parents have a shit relationship, lovely. 

The difference in the tone between the coworker call and the dad call is very telling. Right off the bat, when the dad calls, the mom has a pissed-off attitude. They’re at the stage where they fight just to fight.

Also, note the guilt trip caused by the mom yelling at the dad for not remembering she was going to her friend’s (and like, who cares, I mean this might be part of a larger problem but this sounds like the pettiest shit to argue about) and saying people show they appreciate and support each other by listening and taking interest in their loves, when that’s exactly what Megan didn’t do (skipping Marlon’s show that he was so hyped for) and that’s how she feels she can make it up to him (by buying tickets to the concert he had mentioned).

And the mom says people show they care by listening when she doesn’t even listen to her own daughter and interrupts her when she’s trying to ask a question, and she’s definitely not paying attention to Megan’s life. Like, how is it that they can miss that she’s not on the dance team? Surely the team has some performances or competitions that they’d attend? Fundraisers? I can see them not attending all of Megan’s dance performances, but any of them? 

Megan’s mom is a piece of work, though I’m sure the dad plays his part in the dysfunction too, I don’t want to put it all on the mother.

Clip 4 - Straw

Franz Ferdinand???

Not that this is the point but I’m intrigued by this locker setup. But I am from a place with cold cold winters so the idea of having one of these lockers in January seems terrible.

I was curious if Kendrick Lamar was actually supposed to perform in Austin on Friday, so I checked it out, and lo and behold, it was a real concert. Good job, Skam Austin.

It kinda just makes me sad that THIS is how Meg gets Marlon’s attention again, by buying (probably) expensive concert tickets.

“you two are smashing in that bathroom by the nurse’s office” at least you’re nearby if you need offbeat advice and some condoms? Oh wait, this is Texas. Never mind the last one.

This is my chance to talk about how gross I find the word “smash” in any sexual context. It just sounds uncomfortable and makes me think of potatoes.

Shoutout to Tyler’s Prince shirt, certainly a unique wardrobe choice.

Man, Kelsey is just such an easy target. Especially with the way she talks, like-like-like … blood in the water. Tyler and Shay are not here for Kelsey and Jo right off the bat and once Kelsey opens her mouth, it’s doom.

At least Kelsey had the sense to keep Zoya on the team list even if it was for self-serving reasons.

I applaud these actresses for effort, but every version of the iconic spoon scene has felt forced compared to the original. Josefina, my darling, if you’re going to be seductive with your straw, you might wanna purse your lips instead of letting it roll around in and out of your mouth.

I think it’s great that Jo and Tyler spoke Spanish to each other, and that they didn’t have subtitles, but lol at the brazenness of asking that question right in front of Shay when Shay could possibly speak Spanish herself. Or lmao, anyone who has taken Spanish I could understand what she was saying. (Like what if Shay was his girlfriend? Kinda think Jo isn’t concerned with technicalities.)

Calling him jefe, lmao, wow.

Tyler referring to Kelsey as Drew Barrymore made me laugh. Do kids these days have a firm grasp on Drew Barrymore’s legacy? What has she been in recently other than Santa Clarita Diet?

Maybe instead of references to Romeo + Juliet, we can get allusions to Ever After, The Wedding Singer, or Never Been Kissed. (Maybe not that last one.)

Also, I’m glad Meg spoke up for Kelsey so they weren’t just bashing her new friends.

Clip 5 - Internet quizzes should not be used to make major life decisions

Zoya is just looking through a book while Kelsey is talking.

Some of Kelsey’s rules: 

“Always act classy”

“No cursing, fighting, messy hair or appearance” while wearing the uniform

“Positive vibes ONLY”

But yeah, here’s another example of why the dance team wasn’t the best way to adapt russ because like … of course Kelsey is being rude and ridiculous, and I can’t say I’m on her side against Zoya, but … if the team founder calls a meeting to discuss rules, it’s expected that you will be there to discuss the rules and not blow it off? 

With Vilde’s bus, first of all, russ was several years away and they had time to pull it all together. A dance team is going to require some results in the near future, especially if the team is school-approved and getting them out of P.E. Someone is probably going to be checking up on the girls and making sure they’re not getting P.E. credit for sitting around and doing nothing. Second, pretty sure a bus group is not going to require as much day to day practice, training, and energy as a dance team.

I don’t know, however silly Kelsey’s motivations might be, if you sign up for someone’s dance team … you should expect to dance, dude. That goes for all the girls.

When prompted to give her opinion of Zoya, Jo cleverly deflects with the quiz, as her opinion of Zoya is clearly ❤️❤️❤️

I do love and appreciate Grace trying to persuade Kelsey to rethink the whole sleeping with Daniel thing. Not being too harsh, but being firm and not hesitating to point out all the ways it’s not a good choice.

Also being like “keep in mind he’s not your boyfriend” thank youuuu.

Kelsey sure doesn’t like that part about people judging her for having premarital sex. At least they might bring it up in the aftermath of hooking up with Daniel?

“That definitely didn’t happen.” “It did happen and she can’t eat Sweet Tarts anymore.” Jo continues to be the shining star of this show, I laughed out loud at her delivery of that line. 

Whenever one of the Chrises is like “I was totally wasted” about their first time, I’m just like 😧

Kelsey saying option A on the quiz, for her “boyfriend” and her being closer once they sleep together, is the most depressing thing. Stop this train before it goes off the rails.

Oh God. Kelsey does not need to be anywhere near a penis at this juncture. The way she starts giggling and laughing when Grace suggests to think about what turns her on about Daniel … you are not ready to have sex. You are barely ready to talk about sex. None of the Vildes has seemed so young and not ready to go through with this.

Kelsey did not talk about not wanting to be involved in lesbianism, hmmmMMMM. Foreshadowing? Or maybe Julie just realized that people didn’t like the casual lesbophobia if you don’t have a lesbian character? 

I haven’t been all that complimentary to the actors on this show, but I do want to give Kelsey’s actress some props for reciting that whole monologue, which is just a detailed Teen Vogue photoshoot.

It’s amusing that Kelsey integrated the Kittens uniform into her erotic fantasy but sad that Kelsey still wants to be a Kitten so much. She’s not wearing a uniform for her own group, whatever she might want it to be, she’s wearing a Kitten uniform in her ideal scenario.

You know Jo is listening to this fantasy and getting inspiration for her next Kelsey makeup experiment.Also, it makes me laugh that they’re having this discussion in a library.

Overheard in Bouldin - TMI Girl in Library: “People get turned on my different things all the time. My cousin’s thing is dirty socks. She keeps a pair of her ex-boyfriend’s in a Ziploc bag under her bed.”

May we one day meet this intriguing cousin of yours, Jo.

But don’t encourage this Daniel nonsense.

It’s too bad we didn’t get the classic doctor visit but lol, a school doctor in Texas might not be able to be so blatant with the sex ed tips, so I get it. And ultimately I would prefer if Julie tried out new scenes instead of trying to recreate old ones.

At first I thought Kelsey maybe didn’t know who Kendrick Lamar was. Which is perfectly plausible, let’s be real.

“When I have ever asked you for anything?” In the short time Meg has known you, Kelsey ... find Jo, join the dance team, get closer to Penetrator Jo, give you her birth control pills.

Clip 6 - Bowling

Kelsey’s outfit is almost exactly what she described in her fantasy! No access to a Kittens dance uniform, but otherwise very close. Follow your dreams, kids. 

“Martin had a dream … Martin had a dream …” look, I like that Skam uses a variety of music and not just white indie rock, but can we like … quit syncing music by black artists talking about black cultural topics to scenes of this white dude being a big deal.

Look at that dipshit taking up two parking spaces. Fuck offffffffffffff

Kelsey looks so happy and Daniel looks like he’s already 75% checked out.

How long is this Kendrick bowling montage going to go on?

Ha, Kelsey easily had the worst bowling score of the four of them.

“Daniel just touched my ass.” The way Kelsey was thrilled about this was kind of cute and alarming.

Kelsey wanting Meg to stay with them as long as she can makes me think she really just doesn’t want to go through with the impending loss of virginity.

“Then how’d you know my name at Talent Night?” I mean ... you do go to school together, and Jo is on the football team with a high social profile. I could name a lot of my high school classmates by name even if I’ve never spoken to them.

Is Julie going to go full Chris/Eva with this version to give the shippers their day in the sun? I love original Eva/Jonas but Meg/Marlon is an unpleasant trainwreck so I can’t say I’m disappointed. I mean I can’t say I love Meg/Penetrator Jo either,, but I’m not sad about this version of Eva/Jonas not being endgame.

Penetrator Jo is still sleazy in at least a few respects (don’t be a cocktease) and we have still have to meet his girlfriend but his memory of her seems legit so maybe he does really like her. Unless, I don’t know, he stalked her IG and remembered some relevant details and embellished this whole story?

Lmao, I can get why people might think the “No Signal” scenario would be a contrivance but that exact thing has happened to me, so I buy it.

I will give Julie this credit, she’s good at setting up Fredag/Friday scenarios where we think one thing will happen, and instead something else occurs that’s completely different from the fan theories. I figured it would be as simple as Meg or Marlon missing the concert, not that we’d spot Marlon (or “Marlon”) with Abby

I don’t think it’s Marlon, though. That seems a lot like Tyler’s walk, and the person doesn’t seem to be wearing Marlon’s ugly shoes. 

General Comments:

It’s kind of depressing to see people in the FB group and in the comments be like, “I haven’t seen the original show but could Grace be a lesbian? 😃” and the replies be like “No, Noorhelm is coming 😃”

Another “fun” aspect of having this show on Facebook: the MAGA edgelord assholes who leave comments on the episodes about “cucks” and “libtards.”

My opinion of Grace rose so much in this episode just by how doggedly she is trying to bring Kelsey back to earth. and telling her she can back out of this choice. 

In the texts, Grace said she would buy condoms for Kelsey - good job - and later, when Kelsey asked the girls what she should wear for losing her virginity, said, “I know what Daniel will be wearing” and said that she put condoms in Kelsey’s purse - excellent job.

I feel like Grace would roll the condom on Daniel’s dick herself if it meant Kelsey had safe sex.

Abby was stressing over finals on IG so I’d bet that was a hint she needed something to help her out, hence meeting up with Marlon/Tyler for Adderall.

I was wondering what kind of music would be on Skam Austin since original Skam had all sorts of high-profile artists, and that would not be cheap, but so far, it seems like Facebook spared no expense with the soundtrack.

Grace and Shay had IG posts reacting to the Santa Fe High School Shooting. IDK how much Skam Austin would address gun violence in the episodes itself in the future, and I can think of ways it could go very badly, but sadly, as one of the biggest concerns of American teenagers today, it would be very relevant, and that’s what Skam’s supposed to be, after all.

[buzzedbabe]

Before I Dive... Chapter 19

Hello lovelies. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to post. I was having a bit of writer’s block/lack of inspiration. I also was lacking some writing time as I’ve started working again. I hope you enjoy! 

The next morning, Richard and Kit looked up from their mugs of tea when they heard Amy's bedroom door open. Richard got up and started brewing Amy a cup of coffee. Amy slowly made her way out to the living room, shielding her eyes. She smiled when Richard handed her the steaming mug.

“Come talk with us,” he said, sitting down at the table.

She saw the serious expressions on Kit’s and Richard's faces and frowned.

“What is this, some kind of intervention?” she asked, sitting down between the two. She took a sip of coffee and gave a happy sigh.

“You could call it that,” Kit said.

“How much of last night do you remember?” Richard asked.

Amy blushed. “All of it.”

“Then you probably know why we want to talk to you,” he said.

“I really see no need,” she argued. “I only asked Kit how to do it because Lily wasn't here.”

“It's not the condoms, Amy,” Kit said, taking her free hand.

She moved to stand up, grabbing her mug. “Then there is no need for...”

“Sit. Down,” Richard said forcefully.

Amy slowly sank back into the chair, having never heard Richard use this tone of voice. She stared into her mug.

“You are not going to talk right now. You are going to listen,” he said, hand clenching around the handle of his mug. “You have Kit and me worried sick.”

“When you told me that you think your writing sucks, I took it with a grain of salt,” Kit interjected, voice smooth and calm. “But after last night…”

“What we can’t figure out is how you can be so hard on yourself,” Richard sighed.

“It’s not hard. I suck,” Amy scoffed quietly, fidgeting with her mug.

“Stop it. Right now.” A growl emanated from deep within Richard’s chest, making Amy’s eyes grow wide.

“Neither of us like that, the way you act like it’s okay for you to verbally abuse yourself,” Kit said, taking her hand.

“It’s really no big deal,” she whispered. “I deserve…”

“Stop it!” Amy flinched back as Richard yelled, slamming his mug to the table and breaking it. He forced himself to take a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. “It is a big deal. You had a bloody breakdown last night because of it. You scared the crap out of me,” he said in a softer voice, meeting her eyes.

Kit turned her face to him. “We know what you're doing is hard. But you can't be making it any easier on yourself with the way you talk.”

Amy shook her head no. Kit gave her a his little half-grin.

“But what can I do? It's not very…”

“Stop,” Richard whispered. “That's what you can do.”

“I think what we're trying to say is have a little faith in yourself,” Kit said. “You are a great writer.”

Amy blushed, looking over at Richard. He reached over, taking her hand. “You should listen to him,” he said. “Apparently, had you not interrupted, someone would have kept right on reading.”

“But you haven't…” she started.

“No I haven’t. And I will back off,” he replied, brushing her cheek. “I didn't realize how much of an issue it was for you to share your writing. And I'm sorry if I pressured you. I never meant for it to stress you out.”

Amy shook her head. “I'm the one that should be sorry. I didn't know you thought I was shutting you out.”

“You'll show me when you're ready.”

Richard stood up and pulled Amy into his arms. Kit moved to clean up the broken mug and spilled tea.

“I've never really seen you angry before,” Amy whispered.

Richard pulled back to stare her in the eyes. “No one talks bad about my girl. Including my girl.”

Dicky,

Looks like it will be a sister trip. I managed to get Thursday off of Columbus Day weekend so the tickets need to be 10/5 and 10/9. Excited to surprise Slime!

Mel

Melissa and Sara,

Tickets and hotel booked, information attached. Anything you ladies want to do while in London? Theater? Sight-seeing?

Richard

Jun,

Tom Hiddleston.

Sara

What?

Richard

Jun,

You asked if there was anything we wanted to do in London. ;)

Sara

Amy paced behind Kit as he read over her latest assignment for class. She didn’t smoke or bite her fingernails, so the only thing keeping her occupied was pacing.

“I’m getting seasick from you,” Kit mentioned, his eyes not moving from the laptop screen.

Amy sighed as she flopped into a chair next to him. She smiled as an idea came to her. She reached over, gently picked up a piece of Kit’s hair behind his ear, and started to braid it. She heard Kit chuckle, not moving his head.

“I’ve got to have something to do,” she muttered. “I can’t just sit here waiting for you to rip my work to shreds.”

“Stop,” he warned, giving her a stern side-eye.

“Right. I can’t sit here waiting for you to assist me,” she corrected.

Kit gave a half grin, eyes going back to the computer. Amy finished one braid, picking up another section of hair. Lily came out of her bedroom, watching the scene for a moment before shrugging. She pulled up a chair on the other side of Kit and started braiding his hair.

“This is not beauty shop time,” Kit muttered, pushing his wire-rimmed glasses up his nose. “I’m trying to read here.”

“Well, excuse me,” Lily huffed before giggling, moving to the kitchen. “What are you trying to read, Mr. Harington?”

“My crap assignment,” Amy muttered. Kit cleared his throat. “I mean, my assignment that I felt needed another person's perspective.”

“What?” Lily laughed. “What’s that all about?”

Kit sighed, closing the laptop. “It’s about the fact that Amy thinks her writing is crap, had a drunken breakdown about it while you were gone, and Richard and I confronted her about it the next morning.”

“Your writing isn’t crap,” the blonde said, bringing her glass of water over to the table but sitting next to Amy. “What you’ve shown me is wonderful! How could you think that about yourself?”

“I don’t know. I just do,” Amy said, abandoning her fifth braid. “I get really excited about what I write, and then when I go to edit it, it’s magically transformed into a pile of shit.”

“So I offered to read said pile of shit,” Kit continued, “and help her see that just because it might need a little work does not automatically qualify her writing as a pile of shit.”

Lily laughed. “Should I get my wellies? That’s quite a bit of shit.”

“Ro at least curses at me in Spanish,” Amy muttered, picking up another section of Kit's hair. “Speaking of, she should be here soon. She wants me to look at her assignment.”

Kit froze, looking over at Amy with wide eyes.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Kit said, shaking his head and going back to reading.

Amy shivered, heading to her room and Lily wandered back to her room with her water. Kit continued reading, scratching out notes of what to talk about with Amy. He jumped a bit when he heard a knock at the door.

“Kit, that's probably Ro. Can you let her in? My sweatshirts seem to be buried in my suitcase still!” Amy called.

Kit got up from the table and opened the door to the flat to see a curvy brunette staring at him with startled eyes.

“I...I think I have...the wrong...flat,” she stuttered.

“Are you Ro?” Kit asked.

She nodded, relaxing when she saw Amy appear out of the corner of her eye. She stepped inside as Kit opened the door wider for her. Amy came over and gave her a hug.

“Hola,” Amy said.

“Hermana, puedo hablar?” Rocio whispered, pulling Amy back towards the hallway.

Amy giggled as she nearly tripped at the speed Rocio dragged her into her bedroom. “Ro, what is it?”

“You could have told me I was going to meet Kit fucking Harington, hermana,” Rocio hissed. “I would not have shown up looking like such a bum.”

Amy glanced over Rocio’s outfit of leggings, t-shirt, and baggy cardigan, reaching up to make a slight adjustment to Rocio’s messy bun.

“You look cute, hermana. Comfortable,” Amy said. “What is the problem?”

“I might have put on makeup, or real pants, or done my hair,” her friend fretted.

“Rocio, you look adorable. Kit doesn’t care what you’re wearing,” she said, motioning to her own outfit of yoga pants and University of Illinois hoodie. “Appearances don’t mean much to him.”

“Does he know he has braids in his hair?” Rocio whispered, giggling.

“I had to do something with my hands while he tears my work apart,” Amy said, leading Rocio back out to the living room.

“He looks fucking adorable.”

Amy led her over to sit on the couch, motioning for Rocio to get out her assignment. Kit glanced up, watching Amy looking over her friend’s work.

“Right here, that should be… Maybe a bit more description here… What are you trying to say here?”

Kit smirked, finishing his reading. He sat back and watched the two girls on the couch until Rocio looked over and met his stare. She whispered something to Amy, who turned and looked at Kit.

“Can we help you?” she asked sweetly.

“Just waiting for you to be finished,” he answered, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes. “So we can go over your work, Amy.”

“He’s reading your work?” Rocio asked, wide-eyed “But you write so well. You are my idol, hermana.”

“I’m doing exactly the same thing Amy is doing for you,” he replied, trying to push his hair back and getting caught in one of the braids. “Amy, come undo this,” he sighed.

The girls both laughed as they made their way over to the kitchen table. Amy sat down next to Kit and started threading her fingers through his hair, unraveling her handiwork. Rocio sat down, watching with a hint of jealousy.

“Ro, you don’t have to sit here and listen to Kit-” She closed her eyes, taking a minute to choose her words carefully. “Kit and I discuss my writing.”

“No, no, I want to hear this. Because what he thinks might help you would most definitely be helpful to me,” she replied, pulling her legs up on the chair next to her.

Rocio listened intently as Kit discussed Amy's work, Amy taking deep breaths at times and speaking cautiously. Rocio scribbled down a few notes for herself, habitually biting her nails as she did. Kit turned his head at one point to look sternly at Amy and Rocio laughed.

“Hermana, you missed one,” she said, reaching across the table to Kit’s hair. She froze just before her fingers touched his braid.

“Please,” he said. “I'd never hear the end of it if the paps saw me like this. I can’t even buy toilet paper without being photographed.”

Rocio took the small braid and unwound it, brushing Kit's hair back into place. Amy could tell her friend was holding in a squeal as she retracted her hand.

“Oh amiga, esto es como tocar el cielo,” Rocio whispered.

“Si, su cabello es muy blando,” Amy replied.

“No blando. Suave,” Rocio corrected.

Kit looked between the two, confused. Amy patted his cheek.

“We’re just talking about how soft your hair is,” she explained.

“Can this be another reason I want to cut my hair?” he sighed, closing Amy’s laptop.

Rocio whimpered quietly, beginning to chew on a new fingernail.

“What? We can’t talk about how soft your hair is? We weren’t talking like, ‘Oh my God! His hair is so beautiful! I would absolutely die if he cut even 1 millimeter off!’” Amy teased.

“And what is your opinion, Ro?” Kit asked, locking brown eyes with hers.

“Wait, what?” she asked, eyes growing wide.

“What do you think about my hair?”

“Is this a trick?” Rocio questioned, looking to Amy quickly.

Kit laughed. “No. I was just thinking you might be closer to what some fans think of my hair,” he chuckled, nodding his head at Amy. “Unlike others.”

“Just because I think you have a lovely neck and these cute little ears you need to show off,” Amy teased, pulling back his hair tight against his head.

Kit looked over to see a faint blush gracing Rocio’s cheeks.

“Your ears are adorable,” she whispered, making Kit blush as he grabbed Amy's hand and his hair fell back into place. “I do love your hair.” She continued quickly because she didn't like how his face fell slightly. “But I don’t think it defines you. One of my favorite things you’ve done is Testament of Youth where you had the short wig. And I thought that was a good look for you as well. But honestly, I often get caught up in your acting and don’t always notice your hair. So I think you should be able to do what you want with it.”

Kit stared at her a moment, slowly smiling. Amy burst out giggling as her friend suddenly turned red.

“Not to say she wouldn’t ball her eyes out first if you did cut it,” Amy prodded. “All the pretty, am I right?”

Rocio reached over and knocked Amy’s hand out from under her chin. Amy stuck out her tongue at Rocio before pouting, making Kit laugh.

“On that note, I’m going to head out. Call me when you finish your next assignment,” he said, kissing Amy’s forehead. “Ro, it’s been a pleasure. You’ll have to come out with us sometime.”

Rocio gingerly shook Kit’s hand, nodding. She watched as Kit stuck his cell phone in his pocket and left the flat. She turned when Amy snapped her fingers in front of her face.

“He wants me to hang out with you guys, amiga,” she whispered.

“I told you he was just a normal person,” Amy said, getting up and heading back over to the couch. “I’m going to watch Cinderella. You in?”

“Oh, hermana. Your man. Those pants. The dreams I have,” her friend sighed dreamily, plopping onto the couch next to her.

“As long as they stay dreams,” she laughed, turning on the TV.

“Richard, I swear to God, if I hear ‘Have courage and be kind’ one more time, I'm going to strangle your girlfriend with those skin-tight white trousers.”

Richard looked at his phone, slightly horrified at the voicemail Lily had left. He pulled up Lily’s number and called her back.

“Lavender’s blue, dilly dilly, I’m going mad,” Lily sang when she answered the phone. “Please make her stop, dilly dilly, or this will end bad.”

“Hello to you too, Lily,” Richard answered, chuckling. “May I ask what my girlfriend is doing exactly to drive you insane?”

“She has watched Cinderella on repeat for the last 3 weeks. I swear to God, even I think I sound annoying after the 4th or 5th time!” she ranted. “If she doesn’t find another movie soon, I’m going to break that DVD.”

“Has she said why? Have you tried switching it with something else?” he chortled.

“Something about her actually living the fairy tale. Won’t let me change it. When I try to, she gets all sad and tries puppy dog eyes. Yesterday she even whimpered at me!” Lily scoffed when Richard burst out laughing. “Richard, this is getting ridiculous! You’ve got to do something!”

“What do you think I can do?” he asked.

“Maybe you should give her the fairy tale for real,” she suggested. “Isn’t her birthday coming up? You could make her feel like a princess.”

“Don’t I do that already?” he asked.

“Well yes, but…”

“But you’re talking about making the fantasy a reality,” he finally understood.

“Yes! Exactly!”

“And how would you suggest I do that?”

“Well, isn’t Amy’s birthday right before Halloween? I was thinking…”

Amy leaned in the doorway of her bedroom, watching Richard type away at something on his tablet. She smiled as he bit his lip, a small grin tugging at his mouth. His eyes held a mischievous glint and he let out a chuckle.

“And what exactly is so amusing?” she asked, strolling into her room, grabbing a sweater from her dresser and wrapping up in it.

She laughed as he jumped, tapping furiously on his tablet before he shoved it under his legs.

“Nothing,” he said, trying to act suave.

Amy sat down next to him on the bed, snuggling into his chest. Richard hugged her arms tight to her body when he felt her trying to grab his tablet from under his legs.

“What are you hiding from me?” she giggled.

“Nothing,” he said, starting to kiss her.

“You’re trying to distract me.”

“Maybe,” he said, lips softly brushing down her neck. “If you’re cold, I know a way to warm you up.”

“After you tell me what you were doing,” she said, putting her cold hands on his stomach underneath his shirt. Her eyes widened. “Were you looking at porn?”

“Yes,” he said, hoping she'd let the subject drop.

“Can I see?” she asked quietly, turning pink.

“What?” He turned to look at her with wide eyes.

“Well if it's something that turns you on, I want to know what it is,” she explained.

“It wasn’t porn,” he whispered.

Amy sat up. “Then why did you say it was?”

“Because I thought you'd be embarrassed and get all cute and pink. Not that you'd ask me what I was looking at!”

Amy slowly climbed from the bed. Richard took hold of her arm before she got very far. She turned to look at him.

“It's an email,” he said.

“You sure?” she scoffed. “Not going to change your mind again?”

“Where is this coming from?”

“Well you already lied to me once. Who's to say you won't do it again?”

“It was a fib. Nothing major. What is the big deal?”

“Nothing major...yet.”

“Amy.”

She shook her head, padding out to the living room. Richard quickly finished his reply to Amy's sisters, closed his email, and followed her. He found her curled into a ball on the couch.

“This is about more than just a fib,” he said gently, sitting next to her feet.

“Some,” she whispered. “I hate being lied to. I'm too naive. I take people at face value too often and end up getting hurt.”

“It was an email about a project I'm hoping to work on, and I'm contractually bound to secrecy,” he fibbed, praying she'd forgive him when she saw her sisters.

“Contractually bound,” she snorted, a small grin on her face. “Fancy talk for ‘I can't tell you or they'll kill me.’ Why didn't you just say so?”

He pulled her legs onto his lap, hands starting to rub her feet and ankles.

“You startled me,” he replied truthfully. “Now what else is bothering you?”

Amy's vision blurred with tears as she took a deep breath. “My 2-year-old goddaughter doesn't recognize me.” She laughed harshly. “Stupid, I know.”

“Not at all,” he replied.

“Maggie, my best friend, Skyped me and Maren started to cry when Maggie tried to get her to talk to me. I know it's not a big deal because she's so young, but I'd just finished crying on the phone with my mom about how she has no one to talk to during Cubs games. And I'm just not so sure about all of this anymore.”

Richard leaned over and bundled Amy into his lap as she started to cry. She buried her face in his neck, her hands fisting in his shirt. He rubbed her back, holding her until she calmed down some.

“What are you not sure of?” he asked, resting his cheek on her head.

“Moving. Being so far from family and friends,” she whispered. “I didn't think it would be this hard to be so far.”

“Anytime you want to fly home, you know all you have to do is ask,” he said, lifting her chin so she looked at him.

“I can't ask that. I can't pay you back for pl-”

She stopped when he placed a finger on her lips.

“I would never ask for you to pay me back if you want to fly home and see your family. Family is important to me as well,” he said, rubbing noses with her.

“I couldn't anyway with my classes,” she sighed, leaning on his shoulder.

“You don’t have a long weekend or a break coming up?” he asked.

Amy shook her head no. “Not until Thanksgiving.”

Richard pulled her in close, kissing her forehead. He knew she’d love the surprise of her sisters coming for her birthday, but it broke his heart seeing her like this. He prayed she could just hang on for a few more days.

“Just tell me when, love, and I’ll fly you home. But answer me this.” He felt Amy turn her head to look at him but he couldn’t meet her eyes. “Are you not sure of us?” he choked out.

Amy slowly lifted her head, turning Richard’s face to hers. She gently met his lips with hers, hand resting on his scruffy cheek.

“That’s about the only thing I’m sure of right now,” she said when she pulled back. “The fact that I am falling for this amazing man, who I’m pretty sure is falling for me.”

“Fallen hard. I’m on the floor,” he whispered, kissing her again.

“How’s the view from down there?” she asked, chuckling.

He brushed her cheek, their blue eyes locking. “Beautiful.”

[apsbicepstraining]

Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets

It’s been months since you signed up for that gym membership, and hitherto here “you think youre”, staring at a screen instead of working out. Maybe you’re doing the right choice. Sure, sitting on your ass will almost certainly kill you sooner, but at least you’ll be saved the ache, lies, and body fluids you know a gym excursion will be generated. And at the least you won’t have to look at the smiling appearance of a personal manager like Ryan George, who wants to tell you that …

6

There’s Plenty Of Sex At The Gym

stokpic/ Pixabay

I’m proud of the number of buyers I’ve bedded … because that figure is zero. I did a dwelling period formerly with the status of women who indicated activity in the nude( I admonished her not to — the pinching alone !). I had a male buyer invite me to a threesome with his wife( again, I said no; that is not what we mean by a “partner membership” ). At a hotel gym, I worked with a purchaser who wanted me to rub his glutes and asked if I’d ever been with a husband( I told him that I wasn’t training at as massage ).

Body-n-Care/ Pixabay “No, I’m not trained in groin massages either.”

Less ethical coaches take advantage, though. There was one I worked with who went after every attractive woman that came in. One era, a girl came storming onto the fitness floor and requested every staff member where he was, but he was nowhere find work. A few minutes later, there was a raucous agitation: The girl didn’t know about the trainer’s reputation and found out that he had been hooking up with someone else. The gym pointed up canceling both women’s bodies for contending. They prevented the coach, though, as he had among the best sales amounts at the gym.

One high-end gym that I was working at is seeking to incentivize us to stay on-site all day by building a “sleeping” room for the personal teaches, ended with bunk beds. Yes, some genius thought it was a smart thought for groupings of predominantly young, attractive, and single trainers to have their own bedroom in the gym, and much to everyone’s startle and feeling, the chamber became a love-den. I did try the chamber out for its intended objectives on one occasion, only to have my siestum ended by two tutors running one another out. Eventually, we lost access to the chamber because the housekeeping staff rejects to clean it.

kadmy/ iStock “Seriously, how difficult is it to make the condoms IN the trash barrel? ”

One tip: Never go barefoot in a steam bath. At the place I work now, the steam bath is pretty regularly stained with semen. It’s most likely research results of jacking off pre-workout, which presumably drops your blood pressure and loosen you. Hey, they say you have to erased exclusively your sweat down after you’re finished.

5

A Personal Trainer’s Looks Matter Way More Than Their Suitabilities

Satyrenko/ iStock

Like most of the service industry, gyms hire with an eye toward beautiful. As a manager told me, I have to be what the customer wants me to be. To female tutors, he mentioned, “If it’s a guy, you have to give him a really tough exercising. When he’s finished, take him to the rub counter. Rub his legs, extend him out, and when you are doing the hamstring extend, lean over, expose a bit of cleavage and announce, ‘I’d like you to be my purchaser. What kind of pack can I put you down for? ‘”

g-stockstudio/ iStock “I’m very committed to your hap-penis.”

It’s pretty clear what kind of business he thought he was passing, and it didn’t involve a lot of careful vetting of qualifications. As a upshot, many of us didn’t have any. I get licensed through the NASM, but plenty of managers I work with haven’t. Some take multiple-choice online tests and use that, plus their visible muscles, to get hired. Don’t assume your coach is some former athlete or even passionate about fitness — numerous join up merely because they think it’ll be an easy-going job.

But all that isn’t necessarily the occasion. When I first met one high-end gym, one of my fellow newbies was a stunning fitness modeling. She aimed up going lots of scrutiny from the male clientele but couldn’t move that into paying clients and retire the field wholly. Meanwhile Adrian — a middle-aged, slightly overweight female tutor with a dense Colombian accent — sketched $250 k a year. She was at the top of her environment because she knew her shit, plain and simple.

Alex_Koch/ Pixabay “The quicker you touch your fitness aims, the quicker I thump my financial ones. So pick that up. Now”

4

The Gym’s Business Model Is Completely Dependent On Your Lack Of Motivation

tpsdave/ Pixabay

I can confirm some of the stuff Cracked joked about in this video: We genuinely do count on a certain percentage of members signing up but not expending the facility. If most gyms were used by anything close to the full listing of members, they’d be space beyond capability. One time, a major blizzard back in the early 2000 s basically shut down the city, but we stayed open. Tallies of lapsed members, with nothing else to do and against all anticipations, represented their practice through our entrances. It was the busiest period that gym ever had, there wasn’t nearly enough material for everyone, and it was a goddamn madhouse. Luckily, it’s fairly difficult to get trampled in a treadmill stampede.

Capitol Records Treadmill-related injuries have descent drastically ever since OK Go canceled their membership .

Beyond tricking the masses into memberships they’ll never exploit, we’re supposed to sign buyers up for personal conferences because that’s where the real money is. An hour of personal course might expenditure upward of $100, more than a whole month of gym membership. So once we’ve got parties in the fitness chamber, we tell them the gym itself will do nothing for them, and they need one-on-one time if they want to improve. Not because of our lore, necessarily: The genuine selling place of a personal manager is having to look mortal in the appearance and predict you’ll come to the gym at a specific time and appointment. It’s harder to stay on the sofa when you’ve became that personal and financial commitment.

mastermilmar/ iStock “You just knowing that, only give me your pocketbook. You need to earn it back.”

Sometimes they do fight dirty with your firmnes, though. Right after 9/11, the fitness administrator gave us this long-winded discussion and included a line he wanted us to tell potential patrons: The rationale so many beings died during 9/11 was that they were not fit enough to flee the buildings. It’s a awful statement, from what I heard. I never got around to applying it, because inferno is mostly one big-hearted steam room — can you thoughts how much semen is on the flooring? No thanks.

3

Personal Trainers’ Advice Can Harm You

Highwaystarz-Photography/ iStock

Here are the subjects a qualified manager can speak on, ideally with a shooting dance beat backing them up: posture and push, muscular persuasivenes and tenacity, sporting concert, cardiovascular conditioning, and flexible. That’s the ideal register, recollect — we may not know anything about any of that trash. We may exactly search rockin’ in spandex. Whatever the speciman, we are most certainly not powers on nutrition, reclamation, or anything medical. Yet in every gym you’ll find teaches happy to advise you on all of those circumstances no matter how disastrous the consequences.

gpointstudio/ iStock “No , no , not the muscles, that’s a common story. You have to eat another man’s nature to gain his strength.”

I know one teach whose patron was contending( due to coach incapacity, primarily ), so he answered, “Tell your doctor you have asthma and have them give you a prescription for Advair. That will help you with your cardio.” There was another who thought they were qualified to give diet admonition to a diabetic. One buyer is intended to get in shape for her August wedding, so her trainer introduced her in a sauna suit to run on the treadmill the morning of the wed to fit into her dress. And then there was the tutor who decided to fix a client’s back pain using “core exercises” that patently just made the agony worse. We scarcely evaded a lawsuit on that one.

Even I’m not immune to the occasional climb up my own ass. I used to tell patrons doing bench presses to touch the barbell to their chests. Then I learned this was shredding up their shoulder joints, so I stopped, but others still insist on it. Leg expansions are what everyone uses to build their quadruplets, but I tell people not to because they’re ruining their knees in the process — you’ll still realize a shiny leg extension machine in every gym. One trainer will tell you the lat drag got to go behind the cervix, and I’ve is evident that do terrible things to people’s shoulders long-term, but I’ve sounded other trainers insist that doing it in front of chest, like I say to, is also bad.

Gennadiy Kravchenko/ iStock It’s only a matter of season before it gets is the responsibility of autism and grease-gun violence .

You’ll never know who’s right until you bolt yourself up doing it wrong.

2

Gym Employees Might Slip You Steroids

Dario Lo Presti/ iStock

At one gym I worked at, the first Monday of every month, a person in a dres would show up, change into workout gear, and take a pitch-black backpack into the gym with him. The human, who we dubbed “the doctor, ” would do a 30 -minute session. At some quality, he would casually residence the knapsack somewhere behind the pull-up depot, and the fitness director would later take it with him into the role. For the coming week, all the Terminator-looking guys strolled in to the fitness manager’s office when the sales director wasn’t around. I got the find they weren’t considering that quarter’s revenue.

Ozimician/ iStock “Oh my divinity, I finally pictured Hamilton , and telling you, absolutely worth the wait ! ”

One trainer I know mails his clients to a medical doctor at an anti-aging clinic, admonishing them to claim that they’re suffered by low-pitched testosterone. The doctor then leads a series of tests which magically confirm this, and the customer, whose simply real evidence is a lack of swoleness, skips away with a law prescription for testosterone. You can even get your insurance to pay for diminishing your testicles.

1

In The Result, The Gym Is Selling An Impossible Fantasy

Milan Stojanovic/ iStock

Cracked has told you over and over that the number of people who lose a large amount of weight and keep it off is statistically zero. Now, I have worked with people who’ve transformed their bodies in prodigious behaviors, so I’m not going to say it’s impossible to lose weight, but it is much harder than most people guess. A huge part of that is because the fitness routines we prescribe you are unsustainable, and we know this. Most people will get through the first few days of a educate routine just fine, and we’ll tell them it will get easier, but in reality, it gets harder . If it starts to get easier, you’ll stop witnes outcomes. And anytime you take on a new project, whether it’s starting a fitness routine or a habit dildo business, it steals from something else in your life.

Eva K ./ Wiki Commons “In the end, it was my free time with my boys that I was certainly leaving the shaft to.”

I try not to given impractical possibilities: During my first had met with a patron, I extract as much info as possible on the person’s life-style, mindset, objectives, and exercising biography, then try drafting a intention they can actually follow. But if gyms everywhere told buyers the truth — that there is no finish line; you are able to never reply, “OK , now I have a six-pack, so I’m finished with my person and now I can focus all of my time on video games”; that maintaining that six-pack is now your part-time activity for the rest of their own lives; and the older you get, the more working here will take — a billion-dollar manufacture would disappear overnight. Forget rising health-insurance premiums — that’s how paunch would maim the economy.

Ryan George hosts The GymWits podcast and has a new notebook out , Freeweight Training Anatomy . Follow Ryan Menezes on Twitter for trash slashed from this section and interesting thing no one should ensure . Have a tale to share with Cracked? Email us here . For more insider attitudes, check out 5 Insane Realities Behind The Scenes Of A Weight Loss Ad and I AM Compensating For Something: A Bodybuilder Speaks Out . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out If Gyms Were Honest, and other videos you won’t meet on the site !

Also, follow us on Facebook, and let’s get a speedy spout sesh in, bro .

The post Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2skJ5Pe via IFTTT

[apsbicepstraining]

Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets

It’s been months since you signed up for that gym membership, and hitherto here “you think youre”, staring at a screen instead of working out. Maybe you’re doing the right choice. Sure, sitting on your ass will almost certainly kill you sooner, but at least you’ll be saved the ache, lies, and body fluids you know a gym excursion will be generated. And at the least you won’t have to look at the smiling appearance of a personal manager like Ryan George, who wants to tell you that …

6

There’s Plenty Of Sex At The Gym

stokpic/ Pixabay

I’m proud of the number of buyers I’ve bedded … because that figure is zero. I did a dwelling period formerly with the status of women who indicated activity in the nude( I admonished her not to — the pinching alone !). I had a male buyer invite me to a threesome with his wife( again, I said no; that is not what we mean by a “partner membership” ). At a hotel gym, I worked with a purchaser who wanted me to rub his glutes and asked if I’d ever been with a husband( I told him that I wasn’t training at as massage ).

Body-n-Care/ Pixabay “No, I’m not trained in groin massages either.”

Less ethical coaches take advantage, though. There was one I worked with who went after every attractive woman that came in. One era, a girl came storming onto the fitness floor and requested every staff member where he was, but he was nowhere find work. A few minutes later, there was a raucous agitation: The girl didn’t know about the trainer’s reputation and found out that he had been hooking up with someone else. The gym pointed up canceling both women’s bodies for contending. They prevented the coach, though, as he had among the best sales amounts at the gym.

One high-end gym that I was working at is seeking to incentivize us to stay on-site all day by building a “sleeping” room for the personal teaches, ended with bunk beds. Yes, some genius thought it was a smart thought for groupings of predominantly young, attractive, and single trainers to have their own bedroom in the gym, and much to everyone’s startle and feeling, the chamber became a love-den. I did try the chamber out for its intended objectives on one occasion, only to have my siestum ended by two tutors running one another out. Eventually, we lost access to the chamber because the housekeeping staff rejects to clean it.

kadmy/ iStock “Seriously, how difficult is it to make the condoms IN the trash barrel? ”

One tip: Never go barefoot in a steam bath. At the place I work now, the steam bath is pretty regularly stained with semen. It’s most likely research results of jacking off pre-workout, which presumably drops your blood pressure and loosen you. Hey, they say you have to erased exclusively your sweat down after you’re finished.

5

A Personal Trainer’s Looks Matter Way More Than Their Suitabilities

Satyrenko/ iStock

Like most of the service industry, gyms hire with an eye toward beautiful. As a manager told me, I have to be what the customer wants me to be. To female tutors, he mentioned, “If it’s a guy, you have to give him a really tough exercising. When he’s finished, take him to the rub counter. Rub his legs, extend him out, and when you are doing the hamstring extend, lean over, expose a bit of cleavage and announce, ‘I’d like you to be my purchaser. What kind of pack can I put you down for? ‘”

g-stockstudio/ iStock “I’m very committed to your hap-penis.”

It’s pretty clear what kind of business he thought he was passing, and it didn’t involve a lot of careful vetting of qualifications. As a upshot, many of us didn’t have any. I get licensed through the NASM, but plenty of managers I work with haven’t. Some take multiple-choice online tests and use that, plus their visible muscles, to get hired. Don’t assume your coach is some former athlete or even passionate about fitness — numerous join up merely because they think it’ll be an easy-going job.

But all that isn’t necessarily the occasion. When I first met one high-end gym, one of my fellow newbies was a stunning fitness modeling. She aimed up going lots of scrutiny from the male clientele but couldn’t move that into paying clients and retire the field wholly. Meanwhile Adrian — a middle-aged, slightly overweight female tutor with a dense Colombian accent — sketched $250 k a year. She was at the top of her environment because she knew her shit, plain and simple.

Alex_Koch/ Pixabay “The quicker you touch your fitness aims, the quicker I thump my financial ones. So pick that up. Now”

4

The Gym’s Business Model Is Completely Dependent On Your Lack Of Motivation

tpsdave/ Pixabay

I can confirm some of the stuff Cracked joked about in this video: We genuinely do count on a certain percentage of members signing up but not expending the facility. If most gyms were used by anything close to the full listing of members, they’d be space beyond capability. One time, a major blizzard back in the early 2000 s basically shut down the city, but we stayed open. Tallies of lapsed members, with nothing else to do and against all anticipations, represented their practice through our entrances. It was the busiest period that gym ever had, there wasn’t nearly enough material for everyone, and it was a goddamn madhouse. Luckily, it’s fairly difficult to get trampled in a treadmill stampede.

Capitol Records Treadmill-related injuries have descent drastically ever since OK Go canceled their membership .

Beyond tricking the masses into memberships they’ll never exploit, we’re supposed to sign buyers up for personal conferences because that’s where the real money is. An hour of personal course might expenditure upward of $100, more than a whole month of gym membership. So once we’ve got parties in the fitness chamber, we tell them the gym itself will do nothing for them, and they need one-on-one time if they want to improve. Not because of our lore, necessarily: The genuine selling place of a personal manager is having to look mortal in the appearance and predict you’ll come to the gym at a specific time and appointment. It’s harder to stay on the sofa when you’ve became that personal and financial commitment.

mastermilmar/ iStock “You just knowing that, only give me your pocketbook. You need to earn it back.”

Sometimes they do fight dirty with your firmnes, though. Right after 9/11, the fitness administrator gave us this long-winded discussion and included a line he wanted us to tell potential patrons: The rationale so many beings died during 9/11 was that they were not fit enough to flee the buildings. It’s a awful statement, from what I heard. I never got around to applying it, because inferno is mostly one big-hearted steam room — can you thoughts how much semen is on the flooring? No thanks.

3

Personal Trainers’ Advice Can Harm You

Highwaystarz-Photography/ iStock

Here are the subjects a qualified manager can speak on, ideally with a shooting dance beat backing them up: posture and push, muscular persuasivenes and tenacity, sporting concert, cardiovascular conditioning, and flexible. That’s the ideal register, recollect — we may not know anything about any of that trash. We may exactly search rockin’ in spandex. Whatever the speciman, we are most certainly not powers on nutrition, reclamation, or anything medical. Yet in every gym you’ll find teaches happy to advise you on all of those circumstances no matter how disastrous the consequences.

gpointstudio/ iStock “No , no , not the muscles, that’s a common story. You have to eat another man’s nature to gain his strength.”

I know one teach whose patron was contending( due to coach incapacity, primarily ), so he answered, “Tell your doctor you have asthma and have them give you a prescription for Advair. That will help you with your cardio.” There was another who thought they were qualified to give diet admonition to a diabetic. One buyer is intended to get in shape for her August wedding, so her trainer introduced her in a sauna suit to run on the treadmill the morning of the wed to fit into her dress. And then there was the tutor who decided to fix a client’s back pain using “core exercises” that patently just made the agony worse. We scarcely evaded a lawsuit on that one.

Even I’m not immune to the occasional climb up my own ass. I used to tell patrons doing bench presses to touch the barbell to their chests. Then I learned this was shredding up their shoulder joints, so I stopped, but others still insist on it. Leg expansions are what everyone uses to build their quadruplets, but I tell people not to because they’re ruining their knees in the process — you’ll still realize a shiny leg extension machine in every gym. One trainer will tell you the lat drag got to go behind the cervix, and I’ve is evident that do terrible things to people’s shoulders long-term, but I’ve sounded other trainers insist that doing it in front of chest, like I say to, is also bad.

Gennadiy Kravchenko/ iStock It’s only a matter of season before it gets is the responsibility of autism and grease-gun violence .

You’ll never know who’s right until you bolt yourself up doing it wrong.

2

Gym Employees Might Slip You Steroids

Dario Lo Presti/ iStock

At one gym I worked at, the first Monday of every month, a person in a dres would show up, change into workout gear, and take a pitch-black backpack into the gym with him. The human, who we dubbed “the doctor, ” would do a 30 -minute session. At some quality, he would casually residence the knapsack somewhere behind the pull-up depot, and the fitness director would later take it with him into the role. For the coming week, all the Terminator-looking guys strolled in to the fitness manager’s office when the sales director wasn’t around. I got the find they weren’t considering that quarter’s revenue.

Ozimician/ iStock “Oh my divinity, I finally pictured Hamilton , and telling you, absolutely worth the wait ! ”

One trainer I know mails his clients to a medical doctor at an anti-aging clinic, admonishing them to claim that they’re suffered by low-pitched testosterone. The doctor then leads a series of tests which magically confirm this, and the customer, whose simply real evidence is a lack of swoleness, skips away with a law prescription for testosterone. You can even get your insurance to pay for diminishing your testicles.

1

In The Result, The Gym Is Selling An Impossible Fantasy

Milan Stojanovic/ iStock

Cracked has told you over and over that the number of people who lose a large amount of weight and keep it off is statistically zero. Now, I have worked with people who’ve transformed their bodies in prodigious behaviors, so I’m not going to say it’s impossible to lose weight, but it is much harder than most people guess. A huge part of that is because the fitness routines we prescribe you are unsustainable, and we know this. Most people will get through the first few days of a educate routine just fine, and we’ll tell them it will get easier, but in reality, it gets harder . If it starts to get easier, you’ll stop witnes outcomes. And anytime you take on a new project, whether it’s starting a fitness routine or a habit dildo business, it steals from something else in your life.

Eva K ./ Wiki Commons “In the end, it was my free time with my boys that I was certainly leaving the shaft to.”

I try not to given impractical possibilities: During my first had met with a patron, I extract as much info as possible on the person’s life-style, mindset, objectives, and exercising biography, then try drafting a intention they can actually follow. But if gyms everywhere told buyers the truth — that there is no finish line; you are able to never reply, “OK , now I have a six-pack, so I’m finished with my person and now I can focus all of my time on video games”; that maintaining that six-pack is now your part-time activity for the rest of their own lives; and the older you get, the more working here will take — a billion-dollar manufacture would disappear overnight. Forget rising health-insurance premiums — that’s how paunch would maim the economy.

Ryan George hosts The GymWits podcast and has a new notebook out , Freeweight Training Anatomy . Follow Ryan Menezes on Twitter for trash slashed from this section and interesting thing no one should ensure . Have a tale to share with Cracked? Email us here . For more insider attitudes, check out 5 Insane Realities Behind The Scenes Of A Weight Loss Ad and I AM Compensating For Something: A Bodybuilder Speaks Out . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out If Gyms Were Honest, and other videos you won’t meet on the site !

Also, follow us on Facebook, and let’s get a speedy spout sesh in, bro .

The post Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2skJ5Pe via IFTTT

[apsbicepstraining]

Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets

It’s been months since you signed up for that gym membership, and hitherto here “you think youre”, staring at a screen instead of working out. Maybe you’re doing the right choice. Sure, sitting on your ass will almost certainly kill you sooner, but at least you’ll be saved the ache, lies, and body fluids you know a gym excursion will be generated. And at the least you won’t have to look at the smiling appearance of a personal manager like Ryan George, who wants to tell you that …

6

There’s Plenty Of Sex At The Gym

stokpic/ Pixabay

I’m proud of the number of buyers I’ve bedded … because that figure is zero. I did a dwelling period formerly with the status of women who indicated activity in the nude( I admonished her not to — the pinching alone !). I had a male buyer invite me to a threesome with his wife( again, I said no; that is not what we mean by a “partner membership” ). At a hotel gym, I worked with a purchaser who wanted me to rub his glutes and asked if I’d ever been with a husband( I told him that I wasn’t training at as massage ).

Body-n-Care/ Pixabay “No, I’m not trained in groin massages either.”

Less ethical coaches take advantage, though. There was one I worked with who went after every attractive woman that came in. One era, a girl came storming onto the fitness floor and requested every staff member where he was, but he was nowhere find work. A few minutes later, there was a raucous agitation: The girl didn’t know about the trainer’s reputation and found out that he had been hooking up with someone else. The gym pointed up canceling both women’s bodies for contending. They prevented the coach, though, as he had among the best sales amounts at the gym.

One high-end gym that I was working at is seeking to incentivize us to stay on-site all day by building a “sleeping” room for the personal teaches, ended with bunk beds. Yes, some genius thought it was a smart thought for groupings of predominantly young, attractive, and single trainers to have their own bedroom in the gym, and much to everyone’s startle and feeling, the chamber became a love-den. I did try the chamber out for its intended objectives on one occasion, only to have my siestum ended by two tutors running one another out. Eventually, we lost access to the chamber because the housekeeping staff rejects to clean it.

kadmy/ iStock “Seriously, how difficult is it to make the condoms IN the trash barrel? ”

One tip: Never go barefoot in a steam bath. At the place I work now, the steam bath is pretty regularly stained with semen. It’s most likely research results of jacking off pre-workout, which presumably drops your blood pressure and loosen you. Hey, they say you have to erased exclusively your sweat down after you’re finished.

5

A Personal Trainer’s Looks Matter Way More Than Their Suitabilities

Satyrenko/ iStock

Like most of the service industry, gyms hire with an eye toward beautiful. As a manager told me, I have to be what the customer wants me to be. To female tutors, he mentioned, “If it’s a guy, you have to give him a really tough exercising. When he’s finished, take him to the rub counter. Rub his legs, extend him out, and when you are doing the hamstring extend, lean over, expose a bit of cleavage and announce, ‘I’d like you to be my purchaser. What kind of pack can I put you down for? ‘”

g-stockstudio/ iStock “I’m very committed to your hap-penis.”

It’s pretty clear what kind of business he thought he was passing, and it didn’t involve a lot of careful vetting of qualifications. As a upshot, many of us didn’t have any. I get licensed through the NASM, but plenty of managers I work with haven’t. Some take multiple-choice online tests and use that, plus their visible muscles, to get hired. Don’t assume your coach is some former athlete or even passionate about fitness — numerous join up merely because they think it’ll be an easy-going job.

But all that isn’t necessarily the occasion. When I first met one high-end gym, one of my fellow newbies was a stunning fitness modeling. She aimed up going lots of scrutiny from the male clientele but couldn’t move that into paying clients and retire the field wholly. Meanwhile Adrian — a middle-aged, slightly overweight female tutor with a dense Colombian accent — sketched $250 k a year. She was at the top of her environment because she knew her shit, plain and simple.

Alex_Koch/ Pixabay “The quicker you touch your fitness aims, the quicker I thump my financial ones. So pick that up. Now”

4

The Gym’s Business Model Is Completely Dependent On Your Lack Of Motivation

tpsdave/ Pixabay

I can confirm some of the stuff Cracked joked about in this video: We genuinely do count on a certain percentage of members signing up but not expending the facility. If most gyms were used by anything close to the full listing of members, they’d be space beyond capability. One time, a major blizzard back in the early 2000 s basically shut down the city, but we stayed open. Tallies of lapsed members, with nothing else to do and against all anticipations, represented their practice through our entrances. It was the busiest period that gym ever had, there wasn’t nearly enough material for everyone, and it was a goddamn madhouse. Luckily, it’s fairly difficult to get trampled in a treadmill stampede.

Capitol Records Treadmill-related injuries have descent drastically ever since OK Go canceled their membership .

Beyond tricking the masses into memberships they’ll never exploit, we’re supposed to sign buyers up for personal conferences because that’s where the real money is. An hour of personal course might expenditure upward of $100, more than a whole month of gym membership. So once we’ve got parties in the fitness chamber, we tell them the gym itself will do nothing for them, and they need one-on-one time if they want to improve. Not because of our lore, necessarily: The genuine selling place of a personal manager is having to look mortal in the appearance and predict you’ll come to the gym at a specific time and appointment. It’s harder to stay on the sofa when you’ve became that personal and financial commitment.

mastermilmar/ iStock “You just knowing that, only give me your pocketbook. You need to earn it back.”

Sometimes they do fight dirty with your firmnes, though. Right after 9/11, the fitness administrator gave us this long-winded discussion and included a line he wanted us to tell potential patrons: The rationale so many beings died during 9/11 was that they were not fit enough to flee the buildings. It’s a awful statement, from what I heard. I never got around to applying it, because inferno is mostly one big-hearted steam room — can you thoughts how much semen is on the flooring? No thanks.

3

Personal Trainers’ Advice Can Harm You

Highwaystarz-Photography/ iStock

Here are the subjects a qualified manager can speak on, ideally with a shooting dance beat backing them up: posture and push, muscular persuasivenes and tenacity, sporting concert, cardiovascular conditioning, and flexible. That’s the ideal register, recollect — we may not know anything about any of that trash. We may exactly search rockin’ in spandex. Whatever the speciman, we are most certainly not powers on nutrition, reclamation, or anything medical. Yet in every gym you’ll find teaches happy to advise you on all of those circumstances no matter how disastrous the consequences.

gpointstudio/ iStock “No , no , not the muscles, that’s a common story. You have to eat another man’s nature to gain his strength.”

I know one teach whose patron was contending( due to coach incapacity, primarily ), so he answered, “Tell your doctor you have asthma and have them give you a prescription for Advair. That will help you with your cardio.” There was another who thought they were qualified to give diet admonition to a diabetic. One buyer is intended to get in shape for her August wedding, so her trainer introduced her in a sauna suit to run on the treadmill the morning of the wed to fit into her dress. And then there was the tutor who decided to fix a client’s back pain using “core exercises” that patently just made the agony worse. We scarcely evaded a lawsuit on that one.

Even I’m not immune to the occasional climb up my own ass. I used to tell patrons doing bench presses to touch the barbell to their chests. Then I learned this was shredding up their shoulder joints, so I stopped, but others still insist on it. Leg expansions are what everyone uses to build their quadruplets, but I tell people not to because they’re ruining their knees in the process — you’ll still realize a shiny leg extension machine in every gym. One trainer will tell you the lat drag got to go behind the cervix, and I’ve is evident that do terrible things to people’s shoulders long-term, but I’ve sounded other trainers insist that doing it in front of chest, like I say to, is also bad.

Gennadiy Kravchenko/ iStock It’s only a matter of season before it gets is the responsibility of autism and grease-gun violence .

You’ll never know who’s right until you bolt yourself up doing it wrong.

2

Gym Employees Might Slip You Steroids

Dario Lo Presti/ iStock

At one gym I worked at, the first Monday of every month, a person in a dres would show up, change into workout gear, and take a pitch-black backpack into the gym with him. The human, who we dubbed “the doctor, ” would do a 30 -minute session. At some quality, he would casually residence the knapsack somewhere behind the pull-up depot, and the fitness director would later take it with him into the role. For the coming week, all the Terminator-looking guys strolled in to the fitness manager’s office when the sales director wasn’t around. I got the find they weren’t considering that quarter’s revenue.

Ozimician/ iStock “Oh my divinity, I finally pictured Hamilton , and telling you, absolutely worth the wait ! ”

One trainer I know mails his clients to a medical doctor at an anti-aging clinic, admonishing them to claim that they’re suffered by low-pitched testosterone. The doctor then leads a series of tests which magically confirm this, and the customer, whose simply real evidence is a lack of swoleness, skips away with a law prescription for testosterone. You can even get your insurance to pay for diminishing your testicles.

1

In The Result, The Gym Is Selling An Impossible Fantasy

Milan Stojanovic/ iStock

Cracked has told you over and over that the number of people who lose a large amount of weight and keep it off is statistically zero. Now, I have worked with people who’ve transformed their bodies in prodigious behaviors, so I’m not going to say it’s impossible to lose weight, but it is much harder than most people guess. A huge part of that is because the fitness routines we prescribe you are unsustainable, and we know this. Most people will get through the first few days of a educate routine just fine, and we’ll tell them it will get easier, but in reality, it gets harder . If it starts to get easier, you’ll stop witnes outcomes. And anytime you take on a new project, whether it’s starting a fitness routine or a habit dildo business, it steals from something else in your life.

Eva K ./ Wiki Commons “In the end, it was my free time with my boys that I was certainly leaving the shaft to.”

I try not to given impractical possibilities: During my first had met with a patron, I extract as much info as possible on the person’s life-style, mindset, objectives, and exercising biography, then try drafting a intention they can actually follow. But if gyms everywhere told buyers the truth — that there is no finish line; you are able to never reply, “OK , now I have a six-pack, so I’m finished with my person and now I can focus all of my time on video games”; that maintaining that six-pack is now your part-time activity for the rest of their own lives; and the older you get, the more working here will take — a billion-dollar manufacture would disappear overnight. Forget rising health-insurance premiums — that’s how paunch would maim the economy.

Ryan George hosts The GymWits podcast and has a new notebook out , Freeweight Training Anatomy . Follow Ryan Menezes on Twitter for trash slashed from this section and interesting thing no one should ensure . Have a tale to share with Cracked? Email us here . For more insider attitudes, check out 5 Insane Realities Behind The Scenes Of A Weight Loss Ad and I AM Compensating For Something: A Bodybuilder Speaks Out . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out If Gyms Were Honest, and other videos you won’t meet on the site !

Also, follow us on Facebook, and let’s get a speedy spout sesh in, bro .

The post Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2skJ5Pe via IFTTT