#notes.ke

[korya-elana]

I've been thinking a lot about the discourse around "is bullying bad enough to cause CDDs" and I came to the realization that I think bullying is why the brain created me at all.

Coming to the conclusion that I am not the "original" alter and specifically a fictive, was a very difficult realization for me and it's taken a long time for me to accept it. It still makes me uncomfortable if I think about it for too long. I don't have any memories before first grade. And that school was ... bad.

We grew up in the ghetto. The bus ride to school was an hour and a half. The school (which was eventually shut down for poor testing scores) had barbed wire on top of the fence and frequent creepy men that would walk outside the fence. We were told under no circumstances were we to talk to the people outside the fence that surrounded the playground. My brother and I were two out of the only three white kids at school, so we were picked on and bullied by kids and teachers alike.

I remember frequently sobbing for the entire hour and a half home after school, curled up and huddled as much as I could, because the girls on the bus were actively trying to cut off my hair while the bus driver ignored the situation. The principal herself would tell my family that I was faking illness or injury. I had to read a book for English that dealt with child abuse and that made me extremely uncomfortable (gee wow, I wonder why) and the teacher lectured me in front of the entire class, threatened to send me to detention and forced me to finish the book. I was hit a lot by other kids. The situation was so bad that my brother and I were eventually pulled from the school and we did homeschool for a few years.

All this to say that yes, I do truly believe that bullying when young can create CDDs. If this was adult on kid violence, it would be called child abuse. If it was an adult insulting a kid, it would be verbal and mental abuse. Bullying is just abuse between children and it can go on for years. Very rarely is bullying a single instance.

~Em

[korya-elana]

I just wanted a good night's sleep after working my ass off the past week and injuring the body pretty badly yesterday. Someone apparently got yanked so violently to front that they woke up in the middle of the night. But they were so averse and anxious about being perceived that whenever Kit addressed them or even looked at them, they would just ... hide their head under a pillow and not respond.

They never left so the first thing I felt upon waking up this morning was intense, overwhelming anxiety. I had to talk to whomever it was (I have no fucking clue who it is) for a solid 15minutes before I was able to take control of the body because they were insistent on just laying still so Kit wouldn't notice them. And the first thing that happened when I finally had control of the body was a panic attack. One so bad it took my retired service dog doing behaviour interruption and grounding tasks, Kit giving me a hand massage, my weighted blanket and an ice pack on my neck to calm down. And once I was able to calm down, the alter in question had completely disappeared and I felt completely normal.

Why can't this shit wait until the body has fucking recovered. I now have a raging headache while I'm still trying to deal with a busted ankle, gravel in the heel of my hand, everything extremely sore from catching myself from such a hard fall and straining other areas of the body (thanks a fucking lot, EDS). I just wanted a fucking good night's sleep.

[korya-elana]

Yesterday was weird.

For context, an average day is typically one or two people at front. Three is pushing it and doesn't last long. If we switch at all in a day it's just a couple times.

Yesterday there were *checks notes* 12 switches in the span of six hours with 4-7 people at front at a time. Some alters I couldn't even identify and hadn't even been aware of until I saw some sent messages to a System friend about glitching and not knowing if we'd survive it. Which didn't match the vibe at the time (playing boardgames and having fun with our Partner System).

Then apparently someone woke up that was 100% not me to open the bedroom door. Which is not something we would ever do because open doors when we sleep gives us hella paranoia.

I have no idea who these new parts are or why our System glitched so much yesterday. I woke up with such a headache and zero answers, even when our Partner System filled us in. I feel like every time we make progress something else happens and sets us back at square one.

Also apparently we're fine with parts language now which is wildly new.

[korya-elana]

First "sentence" is a gift to you from my service collie trying to ground me while I type this. You're welcome.

,;kl[p=p}14[ So. I just found out my aunt and her daughter+family are moving really close to where we are. Like, within a few hours, we will likely see them at every family function from now on. Growing up, I idolized them. My aunt was my favourite aunt and her daughter was my older sibling, basically (since I was the oldest in my family). However ... my aunt was one of the foundational bases of my insecurities and my inability to form and hold my own opinions.

Examples: -We watched a dance routine and I mentioned how pretty it had been. My aunt, scathingly: "It's not "pretty", it's beautiful" as if my word choice insulted the beauty of the routine -She took me aside one day to rip into me about how my mum had gotten me everything that her daughter wanted for Christmas and how that was somehow my fault and how unfair it was. -Every time I said I had a favourite [something], she asked me if it was because it was her daughter's favourite -I stated how I wasn't torn up about a (very popular) celebrity's death and how their treatment in their profession (again, very beloved) was probably the reason he died. She ripped me a new asshole. Like full on yelling and screaming. And when I mentioned that over a decade later, she STILL played the victim saying how well what do you expect from a woman who's lost two (extremely abusive) husbands and I had to hear it from her daughter how upset I and made her and how she'd basically been crying all day.

I then found out 5ish years ago that she was gossiping to my mother, back when I was still religious, about how I had "such little faith" because I was upset about a homophobic policy when I was JUST starting to figure out my bisexuality. At that time, faith was what was keeping me going. And NOW I'm in a fully out lesbian relationship and I just ... I'm so afraid. I wasn't even dating The Crew when we saw them last I just don't know what to do. It's hard enough having to deal with my first abuser during family functions I just ... I don't know what to do. I can't even imagine what would happen if Alice fronted to chew her out because she crossed one of our boundaries and I'm so afraid of the homophobia.