#em.ke

[korya-elana]

My dog was shooting a commercial this past weekend so I went home for my dad’s birthday because it was only a couple hours away from them.

I’m learning that my experience as a DID System with my family, as opposed to home with our partner System or at work as a “singlet” is … very, very different. And it’s both affirming and makes me question everything.

One of my biggest triggers is having my boundaries crossed because I wasn’t allowed to make any until I was in my late 20s. It’s still very new to me and I don’t take it well when I’ve managed to stiffen my spine enough to put down boundaries only for them to be trampled anyways.

The System already felt different than normal. Apparently we’re much more covert around my family. I couldn’t really feel anyone around while we were there. Basically just me up front and that’s rare.

Well the big trigger happened and I’m still not really sure what the hell happened? I know I started shouting about how it wasn’t ok my boundaries had been swept aside. But then I think Alice fronted and started shouting too? But she didn’t have her accent at all which has *never* happened to my knowledge. And then I was in the spare bedroom isolating and our partner System was leading us out for a walk. After that our youngest was co-con and upset but able not to take full front? Which is super super rare.

Idk. This shit is so complicated. As soon as I think I have it figured out, the universe changes things up.

And to my wonderful, wonderful sibling who may see this post or not, you are always welcome to ask us who’s at front or if it’s not Em. We’ll always answer honestly to the best of our ability ❤️

[lethendralis-paints]

Commissions Schedule (May 2020)

As of now, all the slots are filled. Thank you to all of you for reaching out!

If we were discussing a possible commission but you don’t see yourself here, message me and I’ll add you to the list. It’s usually me, who is a dummy with a cheese grater for a brain, so no worries!

(one of you inquired about a painted portrait, but I don’t remember receiving an email conformation. If you’re still up for it, email me!)

MAY COMMISSIONS:

1) Rogue Maeve for @ranawaytothedas

1) Inquisitor Trevelyan for Em.K.

3) Dwarf Inquisitor Maria for A. M.

4) Maxwell Trevelyan for @melaena

5) Custom human Inquisitor for @jennserr

6) Maeve and Raven for Cas

7) Fire Genasi DnD char for @midnightprelude​

8) ???

Multas gratias, amicis mei!

[topconfession]

TLU Confessions #11772: Gửi anh,anh T Rốt cuộc thì anh coi em là gì? em là …

#11772: Gửi anh,anh T Rốt cuộc thì anh coi em là gì? em là gì trong bộn bề đời anh? Em là gì vậy? Chết tiệt!!! Đau đến thế là cùng, yếu đuối đến thế là cùng, em mong manh đến thương hại.Ờ, em hèn nhát, thích anh mà k dám nói với anh vì em hèn nhát nên em rất sợ, sợ đến mức k dám nghĩ đến nếu như với anh, em k là gì cả…Vì em thích và dành tình cảm cho một ai đó k phải là điều dễ dàng. Vì em buông tay và quên đi một ai đó lại càng khó. Em sẽ lại như con rùa rụt đầu, sẽ lại chui vào vỏ ốc của mình mà trốn cả thế giới ngoài kia. Biết bao giờ vết thương mới lành miệng? Vì em sợ tổn thương đến yếu hèn như vậy đấy…Em ghét anh, thực sự rất ghét. Anh đến và đi như cơn gió,anh vô tâm hời hợt,anh lạnh lùng tàn nhẫn. Anh làm em vui,em hạnh phúc. Anh làm em buồn, em khóc. Anh làm trái tim em đau. Rồi anh đi,bỏ mặc em ở lại với những chông chênh,bẽ bàng và hoang mang. Rồi anh đi, em ở lại phải tự xoa dịu vết loang của một cuộc tình còn chưa kịp chớm nở,một mối quan hệ k thể gọi tên. Chưa bao giờ bắt đầu để kết thúc. Tất cả chỉ là sự im lặng, chẳng buồn phân bua, chẳng buồn níu kéo.Trách anh? k. Em lấy cái quyền gì để trách anh đây? Có trách thì trách duyên mỏng nợ vơi. Trách ông trời có lẽ bận rộn chuyện muôn vật mà lãng quên em. Trách chính bản thân em.K biết đã bao lần nhắc nhở “thôi đi nào, k còn gì nữa rồi, đừng nhớ,đừng mong,đừng hi vọng nữa” Hóa ra, buông tay chưa bao giờ là dễ dàng…Em từng mong chờ,hi vọng ở anh rất nhiều.Em nghĩ và cảm nhận được anh cũng có tình cảm với em. Nhưng sao vậy anh?Sao tất cả những gì em nhận được chỉ là sự im lặng đến ê trề.Im lặng đến ngạt thở. Im lặng nhìn nhau,im lặng mất nhau.Em trở nên nghi hoặc về cái cảm nhận của mình. Anh này,anh có từng thích em? từng thương em?hay anh chỉ là cô đơn quá lâu mà tìm đến em? hay anh chỉ là đùa vui với em? hay bởi vì anh sắp phải xa nơi này? hay trong anh mối tình trước vẫn chưa quên được? Cuộc đời này trớ trêu thế sao? đúng là ông trời biết đùa em mà. Có lẽ,câu chuyện này ngay từ khi bắt đầu đã sai,là em đã tự mang cho mình những tổn thương. Rồi anh sẽ trở thành miền kí ức của em. Mong những điều tốt đẹp nhất sẽ đến với anh. Mong anh sẽ luôn được hạnh phúc! Gửi anh,anh T, cũng vì k dám gặp anh để nói với anh nên em dùng cách này. K chắc anh sẽ đọc được hay đọc được cũng có thể k nhận ra em.Hoặc đọc được và anh vẫn im lặng! nếu vậy thì thực sự chúng ta có duyên gặp nhau nhưng k có nợ với nhau rồi. TLU Confessions

The post TLU Confessions #11772: Gửi anh,anh T Rốt cuộc thì anh coi em là gì? em là … appeared first on Top Confesions.

from TLU Confessions #11772: Gửi anh,anh T Rốt cuộc thì anh coi em là gì? em là …

[korya-elana]

Woke up to a text message using my proxy in one of my plural servers that Alastair from Hazbin was playing cards with my girlfriend.

Except I remember everything last night (or so it seems)

Except I've verbally expressed to people how surprised I was that we didn't introject him.

Now I'm looking around suspiciously

Meme credit goes to my girlfriend lol

[korya-elana]

One difficult issue with DID that I never expected was keeping up daemonism. Prior to Syscovery this was never an issue. My daemons were always noticeably present, 24/7. Even after Syscovery, after I realized we had a diagnosis it was pretty easy, I think right up through the teens (of alter count). But now we're at over 30 alters and you know how sometimes an alter/headmate/part will say something but you're not sure who?

Turns out it can drown out your daemon's voice. We've been attributing most unidentified comments as an alter whom either didn't want to be or we couldn't recognize. But I'm starting to think maybe it's wrong to do that.

After a lot of introspection I realized that, even when I'm solidly in front, my mind is always obsessing over the System. Whether that's my OCD obsession or my anxiety about how many are coming out of dormancy lately, I don't really think that matters. Being able to disconnect and think about other things besides your System is healthy, but a habit I wasn't participating in. I realized I'd been ignoring them so much that I wasn't even telling them good morning/night anymore.

My daemons are endlessly patient, but I still feel really bad about it. So I've spent most of the past few days just really, intentionally giving them attention. Like, right now Ani is flapping around my bedroom as a freshwater ray and Thom's perched beside me as a yellow-headed blackbird (both eclipse suggestions from @xxboarpunkxx,'s Aka <3). And I can feel their excitement about today's eclipse. Their love for me and each other. Their appreciation of being included in my life.

It's surprising how acknowledging their presence clears my mind. I'm not currently obsessing over the System or whether or not I'm faking my DID. I'm not worried about what it means that we have so many coming out of dormancy right now or what the newly discovered sub-Systems mean for us. It's just ... quiet. Positive. I can focus on other things. The brain's quiet for once. Existing with your System is important, but I also think it's important to step away from it for a bit and just be you as an individual and all that encompasses.

[korya-elana]

I just wanted a good night's sleep after working my ass off the past week and injuring the body pretty badly yesterday. Someone apparently got yanked so violently to front that they woke up in the middle of the night. But they were so averse and anxious about being perceived that whenever Kit addressed them or even looked at them, they would just ... hide their head under a pillow and not respond.

They never left so the first thing I felt upon waking up this morning was intense, overwhelming anxiety. I had to talk to whomever it was (I have no fucking clue who it is) for a solid 15minutes before I was able to take control of the body because they were insistent on just laying still so Kit wouldn't notice them. And the first thing that happened when I finally had control of the body was a panic attack. One so bad it took my retired service dog doing behaviour interruption and grounding tasks, Kit giving me a hand massage, my weighted blanket and an ice pack on my neck to calm down. And once I was able to calm down, the alter in question had completely disappeared and I felt completely normal.

Why can't this shit wait until the body has fucking recovered. I now have a raging headache while I'm still trying to deal with a busted ankle, gravel in the heel of my hand, everything extremely sore from catching myself from such a hard fall and straining other areas of the body (thanks a fucking lot, EDS). I just wanted a fucking good night's sleep.

[korya-elana]

System responsibility means gritting your teeth and offering sincere apologies after discovering that the last time we were with my family Alice got triggered to front after a crossed boundary and screamed at my family she didn't understand why we still showed up to family visits and functions.

Fucking why, you cannot say that shit jesus fucking christ. I don't even agree with you! Even if you think that you can't say that around my fucking family omg.

[korya-elana]

What do you think lesbians are attracted to in women that lesbians can’t be attracted to in men?

It can’t be anything about femininity or masculinity obviously. That’s both sexist, and cultural so can’t be what drives woman-only attraction.

It can’t be anything about stated identity because someone could lie just as easily as they could tell the truth in such a statement, and it makes no sense because homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.

Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait women have that men can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.

Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?

OP this seems like a bait ask, particularly since you're on anon. But I'll take you in good faith.

If you want to resubmit with a more concise question in good faith, then I will be happy to answer. As it stands, I have not been awake long enough nor been injected with enough caffeine to be able to follow this thought train.

[korya-elana]

Yesterday was weird.

For context, an average day is typically one or two people at front. Three is pushing it and doesn't last long. If we switch at all in a day it's just a couple times.

Yesterday there were *checks notes* 12 switches in the span of six hours with 4-7 people at front at a time. Some alters I couldn't even identify and hadn't even been aware of until I saw some sent messages to a System friend about glitching and not knowing if we'd survive it. Which didn't match the vibe at the time (playing boardgames and having fun with our Partner System).

Then apparently someone woke up that was 100% not me to open the bedroom door. Which is not something we would ever do because open doors when we sleep gives us hella paranoia.

I have no idea who these new parts are or why our System glitched so much yesterday. I woke up with such a headache and zero answers, even when our Partner System filled us in. I feel like every time we make progress something else happens and sets us back at square one.

Also apparently we're fine with parts language now which is wildly new.

[korya-elana]

Another day, another "I'm definitely faking this, those alters aren't real I just made them up in my brain I 100% cannot have DID." Despite our 5yo fronting last night and having to be filled in by our Partner System. I feel like this disorder is hard enough to deal with. Constantly doubting myself and convincing myself I'm faking feels like salt in the wound.

[korya-elana]

No one: ...

Me: Ok, but are all these newly un-dormant alters *actually* real or have I achieved a new level of faking? What if these aren't alters and I'm just fucking crazy? My brain just makes up random little people but they're definitely Not Alters.

[korya-elana]

I hate how front-stuck I get. Kay has the day and I've just been in the background (which is fine). I *want* to leave front and go back to my little nest in The Meadow, but I CAN'T. WHY BRAIN. I need a break from reality and I keep distracting Kay D:

He's very patient and understanding though, which is nice.

[korya-elana]

I'm so sick of having to leave the TDF community because of a single member the mods won't deal with. And it sucks because to most people, they're very kind and sweet and caring.

Other members don't realize that once you're on their shitlist, they won't stop coming after you. They won't stop being toxic. They won't stop abusing you. Even when the mods message you and say "Hey, they were out of line, sorry about that", they don't get disciplined or kicked off the staff list.

Daemonism is inseparable from literally every single part of my life. I've been in this community since I was 16 (so over a decade). And this one motherfucker gets to ruin it so bad that *I* have to leave instead of *them* getting kicked out.

Joking about them finding running cults fun was the last fucking straw. I know they won't kick her despite the HUGE backlash to the joke, so I guess I have to make peace with distancing myself from a huge part of the community and that hurts so fucking bad.

[korya-elana]

I can't believe that it actually happened. But ... I think with this latest alter I'm completely burned out with System stuff. It's been my personal and understandably intense hyperfixation since Syscovery which was ... I think 3, 4 years ago? I think? That period of time is just a lot of fragmented memories.

Now I'm just ... so, so tired. I need a break but you can't really get a break from the other 30+ people in your head lol.

The fact we're moving two states over on Sunday probably is a massive contribution to this.

[korya-elana]

I think our definition of the Core is changing. It was so easy at first, just the three alters who split from the Big Trauma in the beginning. That included me, our 5yo and Ashley. It was so simple.

Well now we're getting more that technically fit that criteria. The 3yo we discovered recently. Teenage Ashley. The fragment that holds a specific shame. It's starting to become more of a category like Caretaker or Introject than an identity we could take comfort in.

I'm not sure how to feel about it.

[korya-elana]

One of us desperately wants to work on System stuff but I can't tell which part or even what specifically they want to work on. I thought it was me with my OCD issues having to know Every Single Thing about the System, but I'm pretty content today and just want to vibe. I'm starting to feel like there are a lot more of us in the shadows that haven't made themselves known yet.