#nothing has ever made a series live so rent-free in my mind as the ending of xc1 I love it to bits

[eaglefairy]

I need to. maybe stop trying to talk about the xenoblade series as a whole to my roommate for a bit lmao

Because of course she's still under the impression that further games in the series take place in roughly the same setting, which would be kind of a no-brainer in any other series but alas xenoblade chronicles is a bit complicated for such a mundane trope. So we're sitting there, talking about something as innocuous as the voice acting and how everyone sounds so British all the time, and my dumb ass goes

"Yeah it's really cool how in the second one they give all the nations different English accents"

And I realized my mistake around the point where I said "nations", but by then I was far too late to correct myself. And my poor roommate who still expects this series to follow a relatively reasonable plot structure and not completely shift the entire setting's paradigm in the last half an hour of the game is like "nations??? There are nations on the Bionis later???"

From there we neatly segued into topics such as "fictional empires really don't engage much with the historical reality of empires" and "the Homs colonies have capitalism but probably not taxes (and are also probably governed under some form of martial law)", thus sparing me from giving away anything else for now

[kimium]

For the latest ask game: F, K, P, U!

(From this ask meme HERE)

Thanks for the ask, Shreedle!!! Always love your asks!

F. What's the longest you've ever been in a fandom?

That depends on what we mean by "been in a fandom". If we simply mean enjoying/watching a series then my two longest fandoms are Sailor Moon/Pokemon. If we mean creating content for it then my longest fandom is SDR2 (since 2016).

K. What character has your favourite development arc/the best development arc?

I think Tohru Honda from Fruits Basket has my favourite character development of all time. Picture this: it's early 2000s shoujo anime/manga. Your main heroine is supposed to be sweet, innocent, and kind. She's supposed to be caring, giving, and compassionate. When she meets her brooding love interest it's supposed to be her love, warmth, and giving of herself that wins him over.

Tohru Honda takes these tropes and turns them on their head. Now, originally the audience is met with the heroine I just described. However, as Fruits Basket goes along it cracks open the tropes by lacing them with one of the underlying themes of the series: Change is scary but we have to embrace it. Wishing for eternity will only lead to rot and decay of something good.

Watching the cracks form in Tohru as the series reveals her politeness is a defense mechanism as well as a feeble childish desire to keep her father alive. Watching Tohru slowly accept that selfishness isn't always inherently bad in regards to Kyo sent a shiver down my spine the first time I read the series.

I also love Tohru Honda because of Akito Soma, who is a character foil to her is Top Tier.

P. Invent a random AU for any fandom.

I think the best AUs are when everything is the same except for one minor thing, either for humour or drama. Anyways, here are a few that came to mind:

-KHR: Everything is the same except Shouichi uses a different flame (not Sun).

-Dr. Stone where everything is the same except Xeno/Stanley were dating Byakuya before the Petrification Event. Senku knows this but says nothing.

-FE Fates where the Trio don't make it to Nohr or Hoshido and are stuck in Valla (where time works differently).

(Also, this is an AU that I've already created with my friend M34GS, but I'm in love with our Twisted Wonderland "Sort of Saw Franchise AU". Same with our Bar AU.)

U. Three favourite characters from three different fandoms and why they're your favourites.

Okay. Well, I already talked explicitly about Tohru Honda who is one of my most favourite characters ever. I'll pick others but know she's on my top favourite character list.

First Character: Gojo Satoru (JJK)

Yeah, shut up. I know. This is a basic choice but let me explain. Before I knew his backstory, Gojo was a favourite because I am a Huge Sucker for Over Powered characters. Especially those with eye powers or who are confident because of their abilities.

However, what truly cemented Gojo as a favourite is his backstory with Geto. I love character foils but they're also Achilles and Patroclus coded. My heart aches when I think about how they're the embodiment of a romantic tragedy. Fandom jokes that they made their "KFC break up" everyone's problem but it's true. They're so entangled and in love with one another that they'll literally burn the world down together. And in a shonen manga no less! Truly, I've never seen two male characters so explicitly hinted to have been together in my entire lifetime of watching shonen series.

(Side note: Gojo's line "Love is the greatest curse of them all" from JJK 0 lives rent free in my brain. How can I hear that line with my own two ears and not go feral over it?)

Second Character: Vil (Twisted Wonderland)

Last year when I first got into the game if someone told me I would end up loving Vil, I would have laughed at them. I would have never expected it since normally Vil's character archetype (obsessed with looks/beauty) isn't my type. Usually because I think of characters with a mix closer to Asmo (Obey Me) and Cater (also from Twisted Wonderland).

Vil took all my expectations and threw them away. To start, Vil is a hard working, dedicated perfectionist. Vil doesn't accept anything less than his best effort because he has clear goals in mind he wishes to accomplish. Also, Vil doesn't consistently berate people for not understanding subject areas he's an expert in. One character trope I hate are smug characters who think everyone is "an idiot" because others don't know what they're talking about. Vil doesn't do that and instead will guide others (even forcibly) through the steps.

However, what drew me closer into loving Vil is how he is an excellent commentary on society's immense pressure on famous people. Can you even imagine from day one knowing every little thing you do can be picked apart or held against you? Society already demands we live up to impossible standards and that goes double for famous people. Watching Vil feel like he has to constantly be "Vil the super model/actor" and not "Vil as a person" is what drew me into his character.

Third Character: Sakura (Cardcaptor Sakura/Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles)

There is just something about Sakura as a character, regardless of iteration, that draws me to her. I think it's her strength of character and the refusal to give up on herself/others. I also admire how CLAMP writes Sakura as a character with convictions. Her goals remain and never waiver even in the face of any challenge. Finally, there is something fun about seeing the differences/similarities presented in Sakura a child in CCS to Sakura a young adult in Tsubasa.

[juletheghoul]

Oblivius Chapter 8

So I'm back on my bullshit and we're in for angst my lovelies.

I know I get all sappy with these little blurbs but honestly - the response I've gotten over this story has been so amazing. Keep sending in the asks, keep sending me dms or songs that make you think of these two dummies. I love it all!

Likes & reblogs are appreciated

Frankie Morales x F!Reader

Pairing: Frankie x F!Reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: **Angst**, infidelity fall-out, language - let me know if I missed anything!

Masterlist Series Masterlist Prev Part Playlist

---

You hadn’t realized you’d fallen asleep until Pope was gently shaking you awake.

“Spills, wake up - where is Frankie?” He was crouched beside you on the couch.

What? What do you mean? Oh god.

It all came back to you - the party, the confessions, the sex. You groaned loudly and sat up, still wearing last night's dress. Pope was taking in your state, it was still early and everyone was getting dressed for the wedding.

“What?” Your wits were coming back and you took in the scene before you - Will was sitting on the couch opposite, half dressed in his suit.

“Fish isn’t here, he left before we woke up and isn’t answering his phone. We still have time but I don’t know where he could have gone.” Will was sitting on the couch opposite you and Benny was coming up the stairs.

“Oh god.” You covered your face with your hands.

“Did something happen?” Pope was staring at you and when you looked up at him, he knew.

-----

Frankie didn’t sleep. He lay there, with her still on his skin and in his mouth and he watched her slip out of his room.

He thought about everything that had led up to this point, all of the feelings he had for her, he still has for her; will always have for her. He replayed the whole night, how upset he’d been when he saw her and Benny kissing - how his heart had swelled like the grinch when she said she didn’t want anyone but him. He’d been waiting years to hear that from her mouth but was it too late?

He thought about Claudia, about how this would destroy her. Did he really want to be this person? Could he live with himself knowing he’d done this to someone? Fiance cheats with the friend he always said was special, the night before his wedding, what a fucking cliche.

What am I doing here?

He was out of bed with the sun, he had to talk to Claudia, he had to talk to his mom.

Oh god, she's going to rip me a new one.

---

He crept into the hallway, his parents were already awake and laying out their clothes for the wedding. He felt so guilty he wanted to throw up.

“Mijo, shouldn’t you be showering? - what happened?” She was smiling until she saw the look on his face, his dad came over at the tone in her voice.

“I have to talk to you, I did something.” He was a grown man, but he felt like a child caught misbehaving at the look on his parents' faces.

“What is it? Tell us.” His dad clapped a hand on his back, ushering him inside and closed the door.

---

He felt lighter telling them, but the look on their faces was not good. He knew they couldn’t be happy about their son essentially ruining his wedding day, no matter the circumstances.

“Francisco, how could you do this?” His mom was incensed. “You know I love her, she’s like a daughter to us and I expected the two of you to figure this out before, but this is not the way to do it. It was selfish, and we did not raise you this way.” She was red in the face, his dad brought his hand to her shoulder to calm her.

“This isn’t right Francisco, if you knew you weren’t interested in her this way then you should have ended it. Waited until you were free of this commitment to move forward with Spills.” His parents were not impressed.

“I know, I messed up.” He felt so ashamed - not at what he’d done with Spills, nothing in his life had ever felt more right than that. He was ashamed that he’d cheated, that he’d been that guy. His mom sighed loudly, she knew how he felt about Spills, she’d always known. Her anger was on the back burner, and now she was trying to comfort him.

“What do you want to do?” She was rubbing his back, the gesture soothing him like it always had.

“I have to talk to Claudia, tell her what happened.” His parents were upset, but supportive.

----

His stomach was in knots as he drove to where Claudia was getting ready with her bridesmaids. They had rented a hotel room, wanting to keep separate until the wedding.

“Hello?” She was giggling when she picked up the hotel phone. He was calling her from the lobby.

“Hey, I need to talk to you.” He tried to keep his voice neutral, not raise the alarms while she was in the room. He had to talk to her on his own.

“Babe what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be getting ready!” He could hear the smile in her voice, his guilt skyrocketed at the chorus of ooohs and awwws coming from the room.

“Can you come down? I need to talk to you.” His stomach was doing somersaults as she laughed and breathed I’ll be right down before she hung up. He watched the elevators for her with his heart in his throat and even though he was sweating with nervous guilt, even though he felt as though he’d throw up - he kept thinking about how he had so much to say to Spills.

You’re unbelievable. Get it together.

Her smile faltered when she saw him, at the look on his face. He knew he looked grim but he couldn’t help it. She was wearing a bridal robe over her pyjamas and her hair was half done. This was it, the moment of truth.

“What’s wrong babe? You don’t look so good.” She tried to wrap her arms around his neck but he stopped her, guiding her outside to his truck. This wasn’t the ideal setting for this but he didn’t want to cause a scene inside the hotel lobby.

“Claudia, I have something to tell you.” He started and she was smiling at him, thinking he was going to make some grand declaration of love but he tried to curtail that. “I fucked up, and you have to know that I never meant to do this.” Her smile faltered.

“What happened? Tell me.” She was holding his hand.

“You’re going to hate me, and I understand that but you have to know. I cheated on you. I slept with someone else and you have to know.” He looked into her eyes and she looked lost. For a second it was like she didn’t understand.

“What…? You cheated on me?” She dropped his hand and leaned away from him slightly.

“Yes, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You don’t deserve to have this done to you the day before your wedding.” He let her take the information in.

“When?” She was in shock. She was looking around the hotel parking lot, almost in a daze.

“Last night, and I won’t lie - I can’t sit here and say it didn’t mean anything because it did.” His voice was quiet, he was waiting for the reaction.

“Spills.” She said the word, and her face was neutral, she knew.

“Yes.” it was all he could say.

“You slept with your supposed best friend, the night before our wedding. You slept with the ‘best-person’ you chose, the person you talked about the whole fucking time we were engaged. Am I getting this right? And now you show up here while I’m getting ready, to tell me that you fucking cheated on me.” There was an angry flush crawling up her neck as the anger burned through her like wildfire and he could see that she was trying to keep her voice under control.

“Yes I know you must be angry-”

“Angry? You know I must be angry?” She took a deep breath and turned to look at him, her eyes shining brightly with anger and shock.

“I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now and I hate that I’m doing this, but I couldn’t lie to you.” His voice was soft, the two of them polar opposites in their tone.

“Stop talking to me so fucking calmly Francisco - this is fucking bullshit. I never ever thought you’d do this to me. Why? Why the fuck would you do this to me?” She was so angry.

“I’m sorry-”

“Stop saying you’re fucking sorry. Why did you sleep with her? I want to know why - Why did you propose to me? Why did you give me this ring and then do this? Tell me.” She held her hand up, the diamond he’d spent way too much money on glittering accusingly.

“I felt something for you, when I met you I was in a bad way and you made me happy.” It was all he could say. It wasn’t a good answer, or reason. He knew that.

“Why did you fuck her? Why?” Her voice was getting shrill and she was in his space now, jabbing at his chest with her finger in her rage.

“Because I fucking love her!” He sighed loudly. His words had come out louder and more aggressive than he’d intended. “I never meant it to be this way, but I love her. I always have, and I always will.” He softened his words, trying to lessen the blow their meaning caused but she was angrier, vicious.

“She was the one you were upset over when we met. She’s the one you were pining over and you tried to use me to get over her, and now that you found someone she just magically realized she loves you back? Or did she just fuck you to keep you loyal?” She spit the words out and for a second they affected him. They made him question Spills’ intentions, was it true? Was she ruining his wedding just to keep him interested in her? He shook the intrusive thought away.

“Claudia -”

“I swear to fucking god Francisco, if you tell me you’re sorry one more fucking time I’m going to lose my mind.” She was breathing deep, almost to the point of hyperventilating and he didn’t know what to say.

“Let’s just forget about this.” She had her eyes closed. “Let’s just forget this whole thing happened, we’ll get married and we’ll move far away from this fucking place and everything will be fine. We will deal with this when we get home. I am not letting you or that bitch ruin my wedding.” She was staring daggers at him and for a minute he was lost, the frown on his face over her words and the implications.

“You want to forget that I had sex with her, and marry me anyway?.” He didn’t like what he was hearing. He expected her to be angry, but he knew that if he agreed she would use this against him for the rest of his life. He���d be paying for this indiscretion indefinitely. He suddenly couldn’t look at her. “No.”

“Yes Francisco. You’re not going to ruin what we had over some pussy.” She was angry, so angry and he understood but he wouldn’t let her go down this path.

“Stop that. She’s not just some pussy, she’s the love of my life and I am home. I’m not moving away, and I’m not going to marry you. Hate me all you want - I deserve it, but this isn’t happening.” He kept his anger in check.

“You’re going to just cancel everything? Let me go over someone who didn’t give a shit about you!? I love you Francisco, I am willing to forgive you, I can let this go and we can move forward-” She was clawing at him now, voice high and cracking with hysteria. Hot angry tears streaking down her face in desperation.

“It wouldn’t be right. I’m not the person for you.” He gently but firmly removed her hands from where they were clutching at his shirt. It hurt to do this to her, but he knew there was no one else for him but Spills.

“She doesn’t want you, not like I do, please - we can make it work, don’t make me beg.” She was sobbing, her hair was coming undone and he felt so terrible.

“Stop. I don’t love you like I should Claudia. I don’t love you like you deserve to be loved and if I go through with this, we’ll hate each other. I will hate you for making me leave my home, my family, her. It’s not fair and I’m an asshole, but I won’t do that to either of us.” He put his hand on her shoulder but she shrugged away violently.

“I can’t fucking believe you’d do this to me, I fucking hate you. I hate you so much you dick, leave. Leave right fucking now. I never want to see you again!” She took off her ring and threw it at him as she got out of the truck and slammed the door. He watched her run into the hotel in tears.

He’d never felt worse in his life.

--

His mom had come down while you were all trying to contact Francis, she’d given you the guilt-inducing look only a mother could give and you knew that he’d told her. You wanted to cry when you saw her but the look was gone in a flash and she came over and hugged you.

“He went to talk to her. No one’s getting married today.” She said it loud enough that the boys heard. Everyone guessed what had happened and no one mentioned it. It was a black cloud in the room - you were the woman who’d ruined a partnership.

I’m a homewrecker.

The boys didn’t treat you differently and Pope knew how Francis felt about you, he told you that as long as Francis was happy - he was happy. Benny seemed a little upset, but he understood now why you didn’t feel anything towards him.

Suddenly you couldn’t be there. You had to be home, let him collect his thoughts. They understood.

[you]: Francis, I’m sorry about everything - I’m sorry for how things shook out and I want you to know that I meant every single word I said last night. I love you.

[Francis]: I just need a little bit of time, I have to get my shit together and there are things that need to be taken care of. We have to have a long talk -you and I, about everything. I’ll come to you when I’m ready. I love you Spills. See you soon.

[you]: I’ll be waiting

And you would be.

-------------

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[sehunniepotwrites]

let’s break the ice | m.l | two

🏒  SYNOPSIS— in which your college’s hockey team crashes your lunch plans after practice and you have to get away before dying of embarrassment 🏒 GENRE— fluff, humor, crack, college!au, ice hockey!au 🏒 PAIRING— ice hockey captain!mark lee x reader 🏒 WORD COUNT— 1.5k 🏒 WARNINGS— sexual innuendos made; povs switching during the same scene; cursing 

🏒 AUTHOR’S NOTE— oh shit, does that say part two?? l m a o

y’all asked for it, so here it is! i’m turning this into a mini-series featuring random snapshots of mark with his love interest! no regular updates, the parts are just going to be randomly uploaded as we go. surprise surprise! i have a couple of moments planned already, so stay tuned! (i’m still working on the requests i have left as well as my other wips, please be patient with me!)

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You take that back, you absolutely hate hockey. More specifically, you hate the handsome devils that make up NCT U’s team and how they turned your meal with Jaemin and Jeno to a team dinner. 

You hate how they are relentless in their teasing and force you into a chair right next to their captain. And you absolutely despise how all eyes are on you as Mark tries to strike a conversation with you.

The group decided to forgo your original plans of eating at a Thai place, opting to visit the local diner they frequented instead. You felt sorry for the person waiting on your group; having to deal with a loudmouth team that wanted to split the check was always a struggle. They just smiled as they readied your seating, pushing several tables together to accommodate your group. They quickly took your drink orders, the others ordering milkshakes and sodas while you and Mark just asked for waters. Your friends mocked you for even getting the same drink and it just went spiraling from there.

“I’m so sorry about them,” Mark whispers under his breath, hand coming up to cover his small face. “They’re being dumb. I’ll tell them to stop.”

He’s leaning his body towards yours and you feel the team’s stares as you move to cover your mouth. “Are they like this all the time? I mean, I know Jaemin and Donghyuck are but the rest, questionable.”

He rolls his brown eyes to convey his extremely annoyed state, “They’re nosy assholes, all of them.” Mark shoots his mates a glare that’s meant to be intimidating but it’s far from that off the ice. He looks like an upset little puppy, face crinkled and eyes rounded in the cutest way. You want to pinch his cheeks but you refrain from doing so. 

“What are you two lovebirds talking about?” Donghyuck smirks from the other side of the table.

From beside him, Yangyang adds, “Yeah, share with the whole class!”

Mark groans— he can’t believe he has to deal with two loudmouths in his team. He looks to the older members: Sicheng is just silently grinning and Ten is wiggling his brows at the captain. The only one’s looking sorry for him are Jeno, the ever-so-sweet one sitting beside his boyfriend, and Sungchan, the shy new addition to the team. 

Jaemin, sitting on your right while Mark is squished on your left, laughs, “You’re not talking about being smashed by him, are you?” He’s obviously taking pleasure in your pain. You don’t think they’re ever going to let that go.

You smack him across the arm and he winces at the stinging contact, surprised by your strength. “Oh my god, stop! No one was supposed to hear that!”

“And yet, everybody did,” Yangyang says teasingly, eyes slotted and mouth upturned into a shit-eating grin. You don’t think he should be talking, you’ve seen his struggles with the person in the dinosaur mascot suit but that’s another story.

“Let’s just forget everything about that, please!” 

“I, uh, agree,” Mark says, clearing his throat. He smiles nervously at you and you return it with a shy one of your own. God, how can one person be so attractive? 

“So cuuuuute,” Donghyuck coos and the other players follow, loving the way their captain cringes at their voices. Not being able to take it anymore, you put your face in your hands as Jaemin joins in on the commotion. 

What in the world did you do to deserve this treatment, you wonder as your face heats up in your hold. You’re at the point where yanking your hair out sounds like a better time than dealing with the jokes the boys are throwing your way. You don’t know how much more of this you can take. 

You feel Mark shift in his chair. He brings his lips to your ear to ask, “Do you, uh, I don’t know, maybe, wanna get outta here?” 

His voice is low, soft, and comes off as a bit timid as he presents the question but it still sets the butterflies free in your stomach. They’re flying around, tickling you in the weirdest way but you don’t mind— it’s been a while since your heart fluttered like this.

Biting back a huge smile, your cheeks make your eyes curl into little slits as you nodded enthusiastically. “Oh my god, yes please,” you answer as you scramble for your belongings. 

Mark wastes no time, pushing his metal chair out from under the table before pulling yours out. He grabs his team jacket and slings it over his shoulder before guiding you out the door, his hand gripping tightly onto yours. The group of boys yell at you to come back and you ignore them, too busy reeling at the feeling of Mark’s hand in yours. It’s warm and inviting, the way his fingers wrap around your smaller palm. 

The cold autumn breeze hits you as soon as he opens the door and it gets worse when you’re running down the street so one of the boys can’t chase after you. You’ve made it two blocks before you stop running and that’s when Mark finally notices that he’s still holding on tightly to your hand. 

“Oh, I, um, sorry,” he mumbles as he rushes to let go. His high cheeks are turning red and it clearly shows how flustered he is.

“It’s okay,” you reassure him with a giggle. 

The wind blows through the holes in your knit sweater and you shiver at the sudden cold. Ugh, why didn’t you think to bring a thicker jacket?

Mark notices and he immediately takes action. “Oh, here,” he says before taking his team jacket and draping it over your shoulders. You quickly try to tell him it’s okay and shrug it off but he insists on you wearing it, a small grin peeking out on his lips. He watches you slip your arms through the blue sleeves and pull your hands out through the orange and white lined ends.

Before you could get to it, the blond hastily zips the jacket up to the very top for you, his knuckles brushing against your chin. It leaves your heart beating wildly against your ribcage, fighting its way to come out. Mark takes a step back to admire the sight of you in his clothes— his last name embroidered on one side rests proudly against your chest and it looks damn good on you. 

“T—thanks,” you stutter, not used to being treated this way. The move was so incredibly sweet and you think it’ll live in your mind for the rest of your life, rent free, along with all the other cute things he does.

Mark’s grin widens. “Yeah, yeah, of course,” he replies, glad he’s not the one stumbling over his words for once. Maybe he’s staring at you in his jacket longer than he needs to but you don’t mind, not when he’s looking at you with shining eyes you want to get lost in. 

You don’t though, your little moment being interrupted by the loud growling of your empty stomach. Your eyes become circles and you’re suddenly burning up in his jacket. Wrapping your arms around your middle, you let out an uneasy laugh.

Mark’s bright laughter fills your ears and soon, you’re joining in too, quiet giggles shaking your body. 

He clears his throat and scrunches his nose at you. It’s an endearing look, you think, as you save the sight in your memory. “C’mon, let’s go get you some food,” he chuckles, slipping his hand into yours once again. 

Mark leads you down the street, a loose grip on your hand, and he hopes you don’t feel how clammy his palms are through your sweater paws. His eyes are darting to anything and everything but you, too scared to look you in the eye. He thinks if he spares one more look at you, he’ll combust. 

“You were gonna get some Thai food, right?” Mark asks. 

You glance at him and nod in agreement, “Yeah, there’s a place Jaemin and I usually go to. We were just gonna head there.” You tell him where it’s located and it’s a bit of a long walk. He didn’t mind though, he quite enjoyed holding your hand.

You don’t see it but Mark secretly pumps his fist when you initiate the interlocking of your fingers. The feeling of his hand in yours is so comforting, you don’t think you ever want to let go.

Peeping over at him, you catch him do the same to you at the exact same time, right down to the second. He blinks at you, eyes widened in shock and another burst of laughter bubbles through you, entertained at how ridiculously shy the both of you were. 

Seeing the university’s golden boy as fumbly as you were in this particular moment relaxes a bit of your nerves, though. Many people see the famous Mark Lee as this picture perfect student athlete but during this moment, you just see him as a boy.

You’re just a girl walking time with a boy and you think nothing else could ever beat this moment. 

© sehunniepotwrites, 2020

[helion-ism]

let’s talk about elucien

there are so many reasons why I love elain x lucien and why I think these two would not only be amazing together, but also why they belong together. one of those reasons is lucien’s sassy personality, which we already got a glimpse of in acotar (and that I miss terribly btw), and which is, in my opinion, exactly what elain needs in her life. we’re talking about lucien “your eyes are like stars, and your hair like burnished gold” vanserra. we know he’s got quite a big mouth, that’s how we got to know him, but we also know that mouth is exactly what’s gotten him into trouble before. case in point: the eye incident. lucien doesn’t mince his words and yes, that is one of the reasons why elain really needs to spend some more time with him. 

she has been coddled by not only her father, nesta, feyre, but also the entire inner circle, which has allowed her to live her life passively. yes, she killed the king of hybern, and good for her, but she did it because nobody else could have done it at that point in time. ever since the war ended, elain has not actively contributed to any plot matters, whether by choice or because someone else took the choice from her. azriel said in acosf, “there is an innate darkness to the dread trove that elain should not be exposed to.” even amren pointed out that elain is capable of defending herself, but for some reason, nobody let her even though elain said she would try to find it: “then I will find it. I might require some time to … reacquaint myself with my powers, but I could start today.” and yet,  by the end of the book, elain’s been barely in it and has not contributed at all. (I know some people claim there’s certain things already happening in the background, but honestly, I’m not satisfied with that development happening off page, so I can’t wait to finally go on her journey and actually see her do stuff)

this moment is crucial:

does it look like she is happy with the way the others treat her? not really. when nesta snapped at her, elain started laughing. that signals relief to me because nesta, the one who has always tried to protect elain the most (nesta baby Ilysm), is the one who suddenly lost her patience. elain needs somebody like lucien, somebody with a big mouth and sassy attitude, who can coax her out of that paralysis she’s been stuck in, a bit like nesta in this scene. additionally, the banter would be top tier. I want another “if I offer you the moon on a string, will you give me a kiss, too?” moment, please. god please. (elain blinks. “and where would you like that kiss?” — and lucien just loses his mind.)

another thing that lives in my head rent free is the fact that lucien has travelled almost everywhere and could introduce elain, who wishes to see more of the world (see: “elain had always wanted to visit the continent to study the tulips and other famed flowers”), to the different courts and the continent. I refuse to accept that we will not get to learn more about the other courts, for my sake, but also for elain’s sake. I want her to see the spring court at least once. I want her to go and see those tulips she’s dreamt of. I want her and lucien to discover the day court as a new home, which brings me to the next point. 

elain has been craving sunshine for some time now. there’s several quotes that emphasise her connection to sunshine/light, here are a few of my favourites: 

I marveled at it, actually — that those years of poverty hadn‘t stripped away that light from elain.

the suite was filled with sunlight. every curtain shoved back as far as it could go, to let in as much sun as possible. as if any bit of darkness was abhorrent.

she had been always so full of light. perhaps that was why she now kept all the curtains open. to fill the void that existed where all of that light had once been. and now nothing remained.

what can I get you, elain? — sunshine.

elain doesn’t belong into the night court. feyre has found her family there, with rhys and the inner circle. nesta has found (or should I say accepted) cassian and found gwyn and emerie, her chosen sisters. but elain?

elain is somewhere in the background hiding with the twins and tending to gardens of the citizens of velaris. you can’t tell me that is satisfactory to you. she is currently ignoring her seer abilities, and the members of the inner circle are basically encouraging her to do so. the only time she’s been confronted lately was during that conversation with nesta and her reaction was not exactly what any of us readers would have expected, was it? that tells me there’s much more about her we don’t know yet, and I’m convinced we won’t know until she finally leaves and finds her own people, finds herself again and start dealing with everything that happened to her. elain must leave the night court, i.e. the darkness, behind in order to grow.

the same goes to lucien: he’s not at a place where he can just jump into a relationship or mating bond. he’s got so much stuff going on. lucien was forced to abandon his home and his abusive family, his “father” killed the fae he loved in front of his eyes, his best friend is an abusive pos who never appreciated him anyway, and neither has anyone in the night court. lucien is used because of his connections and because of the mating bond that ties him to elain, whether he wanted it or not. feyre knows he would never turn away from elain unless she explicitly wishes him to, and so she and rhys and the others use that to their advantage. it is smart, of course, but at the same time, they also keep important information about his own life from him that could change many, many things. so he’s spending his time with mortals in the human lands — a place where he as a fae really does not belong. 

lucien being the heir to the day court, well, to me, it feels like sjm is practically screaming it into our face: how could he find a home in the night court, the literal opposite to the day? darkness vs. light. and what about elain “he’d never once in the two years he’d known her found elain to be plain, but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … it sucked the life from her” archeron? just looking at the symbolism, not only do the quotes from above indicate that the night court cannot possibly be her home, but also very recent quotes from the latest book. elain is a side character in the night court. and so is lucien. they both need to leave in order to become main characters — and it doesn’t even matter that both are already crucial to the further plot of the series because how can they possibly contribute to it in a place where they are both kept down? 

mor said in acofas: “stay out of it. she’s not ready, and neither is he, no matter how many presents he brings.” and “let him figure out where he wants to be. who he wants to be. the same goes with her.” mor’s power is “truth”, whatever that means. but there you have it. they’re not ready to be with each other yet, and that’s okay. 

[elain and lucien are also connected not only because of the mating bond, but also because of the plot. lucien must know quite a lot about her and her sisters simply because of all the time he spent with their father. the father who made a bargain with koschei. koschei who put a spell on vassa. lucien is therefore tied to both papa archeron as well as koschei and vassa. elain, we know, is a seer, despite her not using her abilities (or is she, and we simply don’t know?). elain is (obviously) connected to her father, but also to koschei and vassa (remember those visions she had).]

now let’s get to the mating bond stuff, and I need to say this loud and clear: elain has always had and will always have one (1) true mate. there’s no such thing as “false mate” or even multiple mates. there has been no indication whatsoever. lucien is the mate the cauldron had given her when she was born. and elain is the mate the cauldron had given him when he was born. even when she was still human, they already belonged together — tied together by strings of fate. absolutely nothing will change this fact. should elain reject the bond, lucien will remain a part of her life/her soul forever. should lucien reject the bond, elain will remain a part of his life/his soul forever.

when she was still human, lucien had already felt a pull between them and tried to save and protect her from hybern. when elain was already fae, when it came to protecting her, azriel clapped cassian’s shoulder and left (is this the true mate they’re all talking about?). it’s unfair to lucien, elain, AND azriel and this comparison alone is enough to disprove this theory.

the thing is, lucien has been nothing but respectful, kind and caring towards elain. when he arrived in velaris in acowar, he could immediately sense what she needed and said, “she needs fresh air” (vs. the response “we’ll judge what she needs”) and “take her to the sea. take her to some garden. but get her out of this house for an hour or two.” (I’m gonna make another post about this because I have a few thoughts on this)

of course, she doesn’t owe him anything, but elain herself doesn’t wish to be treated like a child, she maybe she should start acting like an adult because although she doesn’t owe lucien an apology or explanation, she has to have a conversation with him, like two responsible adults. there is no way feyre or anyone in the inner circle hasn’t told her that she can reject the bond and move on with her life. but just like her powers, this is another thing she chooses to ignore. I’m not blaming her because I know she has to work through her trauma first and heal, but by the end of the series, she has to acknowledge that at least.

in acosf, elain says “I am not a child to be fought over” when they discuss the dread trove. I wonder what she would say about the fact azriel threatens to challenge lucien to the blood duel because of her? based on literally everything we know about lucien, I can say with certainty that he would not physically fight over elain. if she only had a conversation with him and told him to move on and leave her alone, lucien would do just that. he would leave her alone and try to move on as best as he could (which we know is difficult for males). but he would never act as entitled to her as to demand a blood duel and fight to death. it goes against his principles. 

to finish this off, sjm summing up everything I just said:

[chidoroki]

TPN - “Dreams Come True”

What better way to cheer up the TPN fandom after the second season’s final episode than with the special exhibition chapter finally being fully translated. I caught glimpses of a few pages here and there over the past couple months but seeing all the children live happily together in the human world in their own little village that they made close to Emma and Alex warms my heart. Of course I would’ve loved if we got to see more of the GP Resistance (because the anime denied us of them) but following the GF kids around the world as they experience their dreams is fair enough. We started the series alongside them so might as well finish strong with them too. I really loved seeing everyone grow up but no matter how old they get or how much time passes, I’ll probably never get used to seeing Emma without her iconic “63194.” It’s a bittersweet feeling for me, but her smiles bring me so much joy and I’m beyond happy that she accepted everyone into her life as they accepted her without her memories.

I haven’t a clue on how much time passed since everyone found Emma in ch181 to now, but seeing her call out everyone’s names is a little detail that I love so much considering she had no idea who anyone was at first. Trying to remember 60+ names doesn’t seem like an easy task to me. No doubt I was just as shocked as our girl upon learning these mere children bought a goddamn plane! We learn in a couple pages that it’s because of Norman’s company that they can afford it, but still, he’s like 15 or 16 now? He’s still a child! And I’m impressed! Not only at him, but that Oliver and Violet became pilots as well! It’s especially cute when you remember that Lucas gave Oliver a little toy plane during their time at Goldy Pond.

Speaking of GP, is it just me or does Emma’s current outfit resemble her GP one just a little bit? Sure we have no idea what color scheme this one has but come on, the short jacket, the dark shirt and jeans.. just imagine it! Jemima, Yvette, Alicia and Mark remade Gillian’s original GP outfit sometime before the Grace Field Raid arc (ch137 extra page) so I don’t doubt they could’ve done the same for Emma. Of course that’s just me being completely hopeful and missing the Goldy Pond arc to death but yeah! I’m also so happy to see Chris up and moving again! Seeing him wake up briefly in ch181 was nice but this is so much better. I imagine he and Emma have a lot to catch up on in terms of stories, with him being unconscious since ch105 and Emma not remembering anything.

But here we go, the original 15 escapees plus Norman, Phil, Sherry, I believe I saw Carol somewhere and a couple other random kiddos ready to see the entire world. They get to accomplish so much.. and in a single day too I believe? At least that’s what Phil and Alicia say a bit later about everyone’s wishes, but aahh what a lucky bunch. Hell, I’ll say we’re lucky readers too to be able to see such a great story. Can’t thank Shirai and Demizu enough y’all. I wish we got to see more of Alex though. He’s such a kind soul but I’m sure he’ll be just fine staying behind with everyone else.

This entire page where we learn about Norman as a CEO is gold. I still can’t believe this child successfully built up an entire multipurpose company not only to help their search for Emma but also because he didn’t want to live off the Ratri clan. I wish I knew about this last week when writing out Norman’s birthday post because hell yeah this deserves some praise! AND he managed to graduate school as well during all that! Well, by skipping grades which totally makes sense. I mean, if he managed to pass all the Grace Field and Lambda tests effortlessly I’m sure normal human world school was a piece of cake for him. Holy shit dude, keep on impressing me why don’t ya. Not only him but Nigel and Sonya too! I’m not surprised that Vincent helped out but I’m glad those two got a tiny moment to shine as well! Ray is another obvious choice when it comes to helping Norman, as they’re best friends and he’s always been good with machines.. but boy, I can’t take you seriously when you’re just sitting there unamused and eating chips! Hahah I love him so much! And the fact he replies to Norman’s idea with just a simple “kay” is an eternal mood.

Okay boys aside, can we talk about our fabulous girls now? Because oh my god, they’re so darn beautiful! They’re more fashionable than I’ll ever be and it’s so cute how they drag Emma along to take advantage of the 3-for-1 deal. But our girl pulls off that sporty look so well! (r.i.p. goldy pond outfit ver2.0). I’m not at all surprised that Nat wanted to go see the opera. That's perfect for him and I’d like to think the anime did something similar with that one shot we see of him in the human world. We don’t see him in a theater like this but to me it looks like he’s on the streets of Broadway? At least that’s the vibe I get from it. I’m sure there was something music related on one of those signs.

I can’t get over how adorable all the children look and how happy they are fulfilling their wishes, even if some of them aren’t as extravagant as others. Like eating a fluffy pancake and a ton of ice cream? We can do that whenever we want. But for these kids, it means everything and they absolutely deserve to experience such simple joys like that after all the harsh nonsense they’ve been through. I also love how Ray continues to be such a great older brother by still looking out for them too. The fact he remains completely unfazed by the haunted house is perfect. This boy has been haunted by his own nightmares and demons his entire life, there’s no way a couple of lousy jump scares are gonna spook him. Though I do find it funny that Alicia and Rossi still manage to get scared while Yvette is having the time of her life. I can’t help but laugh at Thoma’s “Shirai face” as well.

I find it interesting that out of all the different kinds of exhibits they could’ve shown us while Rossi visits a museum, they give us dinosaurs.. like that seems so silly to me. Y’all have seen several demons in your young lives already and yet dinosaurs manage to amaze you too? God these kids are precious. And then our boy Phil finally gets to see and ride a train! Just look how happy he is! The poor kid can’t even sit still he’s so darn excited and I can’t help but smile with him! Thankfully the anime showed us this too.

We eventually get to Ray’s wish and guys.. oh my fucking god. Tell me that this is not the absolute best and prettiest smile we get to see from him!! It honestly leaves me speechless okay? Ray never imagined he would ever get to see the outside world, let alone live past the age of 12, and yet here he is, seeing such a beautiful sight such as this, right in front of him instead of from inside a book. You can’t believe how happy and proud of him I am right now. Did you see how ecstatic I was when the anime kept Isabella alive? Multiply that feeling by ten and there ya go. That’s my level of happiness upon seeing my favorite boy smile like THAT! AAHHH!! That panel is gonna live rent free in my head until the end of time. I can’t get over how damn perfect it is. His smile is so pure and how he looks like he’s in complete awe is beautiful. He’s about to burst into tears and I swear I might do the same because I’m making myself emotional over this fantastic boy. Someone hold me.

No seriously, hold me because we’re about to get into some angst as we move onto to Emma’s wish. We all know that ever since 2039 her one dream was to ride a giraffe once they got outside, so here we are, about ten years later and the animals in question are within reach. Our girl should be totally excited, right? Ha, not quite.

That wish was something the old Emma wanted, but since demon god had to be such a bastard, this Emma doesn’t know what to think, let alone what to even feel. She hasn’t experienced the same hardships as her family. She hasn’t gone through hell and back while holding onto that one wish that would make all the suffering worth it. The amount of joy everyone else felt upon living out their dreams, she wonders if she would be able to feel it too.

They brought her here to make her happy, but is this truly want she wants as well? This is old Emma’s wish after all. What about her and what she wants? Could this wish make her just as happy as her old self? She knows her family is only trying to help, but seeing her doubt herself does a number on my heart. Even without her memories, she’s still the same Emma deep down, as she doesn’t want to disappoint her family. She spends so much time worrying about living up to her family’s expectations, to try and be that Emma they all love so dearly.

Little does she know that she acts the exact same as usual, almost as if nothing has changed when she finally expresses how much she wants to ride a giraffe. And that’s great considering when they first arrived at the giraffes, no on had even mentioned riding them. She came across that feeling all on her own and everyone else can’t help but laugh and feel relieved. Her mind may have forgotten but her heart remembers everything. There is no “old Emma” and “new Emma” to her family, just “Emma” and words can’t express how wholesome that is because they love her regardless. All that matters to them is Emma’s happiness because if anyone deserves to feel and experience that, it’s her.

I just made myself tear up, damn it. I started this series with season one okay? I heard about this precious girl’s dream within the first minute of the first episode and here I am, a little bit over two years later, finally reading about it coming true and seeing that bright as hell smile on her face. Do you know how amazing it is to come full circle like that? My heart feels so full right now. I’m beyond proud of her and love her to death. Say what you want but I believe this to be the true manga ending in my eyes.

(damn this series for always getting me emotional)

[bqstqnbruin]

I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme

No one is allowed to get mad that I didn’t finish the reading and finished this instead shhhhh (I read like half of it and then the adhd kicked in) but here we are with another part.

HUGE shoutout to my girl @tkachuk197​​ for reading through the part I was struggling with. She said it was good, so I’m taking her word for it!

Hope you like it!

Read the whole series:  I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair // I hate the way you drive my car // I hate it when you stare // I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind // I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme // I hate the way you’re always right // I hate it when you lie // I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry // I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call // But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

_________________________

“I can’t even look at you right now.”

“You don’t mean that.”

-----------------------

You wake up, disoriented and confused as to where you were. You weren’t in your own room, you knew that; the decorations were different, and it definitely wasn’t your bed you were lying in. You feel a strong arm wrapped around you, a hard body pressed against your bare skin as your legs were tangled up in each others. You turn over ever so carefully to see Matthew still asleep, a soft snore escaping from his slightly parted lips as the memories of the night before came flooding back to you. You slept with Matthew.

You.

And Matthew.

Slept together.

Multiple times. You didn’t even remember how many times you did.

You try to untangle your legs from his without waking him up. His eyes flutter open, meaning you failed, but seeing the smile on his face once he saw you made any doubt you had about the last night melt away. Maybe Evelina was right.

“God, you are beautiful,” his raspy voice taking your breath away as he sits up next to you. He takes your chin between his thumb and forefinger, bringing his lips to yours for a soft, sweet kiss. He pulls away, a soft smile on his face. He takes in a deep, slow breath before letting out, “I can’t believe last night finally happened.”

“Finally?” you ask him.

He lets out a laugh, his hand moving it’s way to the back of your head, tangling in your hair. He puts his forehead to yours, his lips ghosting yours, “You had to know I’ve been wanting this for ages.”

Evelina was right. “I really didn’t,” you admit.

“And yet,” he whispers, “you’re still the smartest person I know.” 

You’re the one to kiss him this time. You wouldn’t change anything about the night before, but would you be willing to let it happen again? “Can I use your bathroom and shower?” you ask him.

“Yeah, of course, do you need anything?” 

“A shirt for when I get out?” you ask him, starting to get out of bed. Do you try to keep yourself covered for as long as possible? Actually, what was the point? He had already seen your entire body last night. You get up, leaving the sheets behind. Your back was to him, but judging by the sharp inhale immediately followed by him muttering “fuck” under his breath, he couldn’t take his eyes off you as you walked to his bathroom. 

You turn on his shower, letting it heat up as he finds you a shirt. Standing in the door, you watch him shuffle through his drawers. He pulls one out, walking over to hand it to you. You take it from him, both of you standing there for a moment, eyes lingering on the others body. “You could get in with me,” you say, a smirk on your face.

His eyes go wide, a smile on his face. “You want that?” 

You don’t answer him. Instead, you bite your lip, dropping the t-shirt on the floor and taking him by the hand. Walking backwards to the running shower, your plant your lips on his. You try not to stumble around until he lifts you up, your legs wrapping around his waist. You feel the hot water hitting your back immediately, yelling by the sudden shock of the heat. 

“Too hot?” he asks, through laughter, putting you down and reaching around you to fix the temperature. You kiss his neck, feeling him swallow hard as your lips connected to his skin. He lets out a moan as you work your way back up to his lips, “You know just how to make me feel great, don’t you,” he says, his hands on the small of your back pressing your body against his. 

“I think,” you say between kisses, “we actually need to shower. We’re kind of gross.” 

He laughs, reaching behind you again to grab his shampoo. The two of you go about your business, your mind racing as you watched the water fall down his body. He turns you around, his soap now in his hands as he starts washing your back. “Tell me something,” he whispers into your ear, pressing a kiss against your neck.

You try to wrack your brian, fighting from going numb by his hands washing your body. “You know the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland?” you ask him as he turns you around to face him, handing you the soap so you can do the same to him. He smiles and nods, kissing you before letting you continue. You put the soap in your hands, rubbing his shoulders, “Well, the idea comes from the term ‘mad as a hatter.’ When people used to make hats, before knowing the dancers of the element, they would use a lot of elemental liquid mercury. What they didn’t know is that mercury can bind to your blood cells.” 

You let the soap rinse off his back, placing a kiss between his shoulder blades as you hear a moan escape his lips. He turns around not letting you finish, kissing your neck. “It binds to hemoglobin the same way that oxygen does,” you explain, feeling him sucking on your neck as your mind flashes back to the day with him at the liquor store. “The difference is that the bond between oxygen and the blood cell is weak enough that it can break, allowing for the cell to travel through the body and continuously delivering oxygen. Mercury is so heavy and forms such a strong bond that it doesn’t break off, stopping the transport of oxygen.” 

“And what?” he says, his forehead pressed against yours.

“They go crazy because of lack of oxygen. Hence being mad as a hatter.” 

His kisses you again, reaching behind you to turn off the water. “Sounds like you’re my mercury, then.” 

You roll your eyes, kissing him again and stepping out of the shower. He follows suit, both of you just getting ready at your own pace. Throwing the t-shirt on, you were surprised by how big it felt on you. Matthew was bigger than you for sure, but not so much bigger that his shirt should be fitting like a dress on you. You hear him mutter something under his breath, turning around to see him staring at you in his clothes. 

You smile and shake your head, brushing your hair out. “If I knew how good your clothes looked on me, I would have started giving you stuff ages ago,” he says, his hands snaking their way around your waist, the two of you just standing there. 

“You’re being awfully lovely lately,” you tease him, wiggling free from him. “Any chance we can make or order food?” 

He takes your hand to lead you out of his room. Walking to his living room, you can hear voices coming from somewhere. You don’t remember turning on the TV at any point in the night, so what was it.

“Took you long enough to come out of there,” you hear Evelina say, Matthew immediately dropping your hand at the sight of her and Elias sitting on his couch, already surrounded by food.

“What are you doing here?” you ask Ev, sitting down next to her, suddenly very aware of the fact that you were only wearing Matthew’s shirt in front of her and Elias. 

“I forgot Elias has the spare key,” Matthew says to you before turning to his friend, “But you’re supposed to use it for emergencies, dude.” 

Elias shrugs, handing Matthew a container, “Ev texted me last night when Y/N wouldn’t answer her. Your location on ‘find my friends’ said you were here.” 

“Yeah, he said he saw you two leave together last night, so it would make sense that you came here with him,” Evelina explains. “And it’s not like you use our key for emergencies, you just barge in,” she adds, earning a scowl from Matthew.

“So you came here to find out?” you ask her, a little annoyed by the intrusion. 

“How was I supposed to know you weren’t dead? If you die, I can’t afford rent,” Evelina argues. You can’t help but laugh, even though you knew it was true. You start to play with the collar of the shirt when you see Evelina’s eye’s go wide. “Oh, my god!” she shrieks, grabbing the bag next to her, taking you by the hand and dragging you back to Matthew’s bedroom.

“Jesus, you’re going to rip my arm out, what the hell?”

“You slept with each other!” she practically screams. 

“Can you not scream about that? How could you tell?” you hiss at her, covering her mouth.

Pushing your hand out of the way, she starts again, “You always play with your shirt collar after you’ve slept with someone, it’s your tell. I know Elias and I have been trying to get you two together but this went from zero to a hundred way too fast for two people ‘not in love,’” her voice turning to a mocking tone at the end.

“Elias was in on it?” you ask her, making the connection back to last night, “That’s what the look was for when we left.”

“What? Nevermind. I thought you didn’t love him.”

“You don’t have to be in love with a boy to fuck him,” you counter, trying to figure out whether or not you were lying. “At most I tolerate him. I like him. As a friend. It’s friends with benefits,” you ramble.

She rolls her eyes at you, clearly unamused by your blatant denial, “It’s amazing how dumb you are. Babe, all you’re wearing is his shirt, and nothing else. We hear the shower turn on and turn off only once, only long enough for one shower and both of you have wet hair, which means you had to be in there together, and clearly,” she says, pointing at the mess that was his bed, “More than just sleeping happened in there. You don’t do that with just anyone. You didn’t sleep with your first boyfriend until you had been together for nearly a year. I’m pretty sure you’ve never given a hickey or gotten one for that matter until you came home from the liquor store. Why are you denying this so much?”

You close your eyes and take in a deep breath. She was right about almost everything. “Can we just leave it at liking him. I’m not in love with him.” 

She throws her hands up in surrender, shaking her head and reaching for the bag, “Whatever,” she shoves the bag in your chest, “I brought you a change of clothes. At least be wearing fucking underwear when you get home. I’m leaving.”

She doesn’t look in your direction as she leaves the bedroom. “Ev, wait,” you call after her. You knew she was mad at you. She was obviously annoyed with you for the constant denial. She slams the door just as you reach it, feeling Matthew and Elias’s eyes on you. You lean your back against the door, trying to fight back tears over your best friend storming out on you, your head against the door looking up at the ceiling. 

“Hey,” Matthew comes up to you, rubbing your arms, “What just happened?”

“She’s just mad at me for, um,” you start, not making eye contact with Matthew as you try to figure out what to tell him. “Not telling her where I was last night.”

“Shouldn’t you go after her?” he asks, concerned that you were clearly upset about this and not doing the best at showing it.

You run your tongue along your top teeth, shaking your head, “Nah. We’ll work it out when we’re both home. Hey, um,” you say, swallowing back tears, “She brought me a change of clothes and some of my stuff, so I’m going to go change, ok?” He nods, letting you slip past him, wiping a tear away from your cheek as you shut yourself in his room.

“I have never seen you this soft for a girl before,” Elias says. 

“What are you talking about?” Matthew says, practically throwing himself on the couch with the food they had brought.

“Like, Evelina’s been trying to tell me that you’re in love with Y/N, so we’ve been trying to get you two together, but I didn’t really believe her until I saw you be soft for her.” 

Matthew knew Evelina had a plan, but how was Elias even involved, “And what have you done to get us together?”

He gives Matthew the same annoyed look Evelina gives him when he’s asked a dumb question. “I was flirting with her right in front of you and you short circuited.” 

Matthew things about last night, watching Elias trying to get you to dance with him. “Fuck you, man.” 

He throws his hands up in surrender, a smirk on his face, “Hey, it worked, didn’t it. You should be thanking me.” Matthew rolls his eyes at him. He really didn’t need his teammates flirting with you to get him to want to be with you. 

“It would have happened eventually.”

“You’ve been flirting with her since the day you met. It took me flirting with her to get you two together.” 

Matthew stops for a minute. Are you two ‘together?’ He had no idea what last night meant to you. He knew what it meant to him, but to you, it could have meant anything. “I don’t know if we are.” He takes a bite of the food, starting down at the remains in the container and pushing it around with his fork. He wanted to be with you, but he couldn’t do that if you weren’t up for it, too.

Elias shrugs, knowing that whatever he said Matthew would either detest and ignore or go run into the bedroom and do right now. “You could always ask her out on a real date. Not some event with all the guys that leads to you fucking all night.” Matthew nearly chokes on the last bite of food when he hears Elias say that. “I know how you act after you get laid. You’re a little quiet, a little lovey,” he says, adding a little shoulder shimmy at the word ‘lovey.’ He gets up, grabbing his keys from underneath all the napkins and utensils that littered the half eaten breakfast they had brought, “Whatever you do, don’t hurt her. Evelina will have me kill you and I really don’t want to have to hide your body. Have fun, be safe.” 

Elias leaves him there sitting on the couch. He knew that Evelina told you to have ten things that you hated about him that you would have to ask him out, but what if he asked you out before you completed the list? Would you have to say no? Or worse: would you want to say no? 

He hears you come out of his room, now changed into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. “Hey, I think I’m gonna get going,” you tell him, scooping up the dress that was still on the floor from last night. 

“Let me get my keys, I’ll give you a ride,” he says, shuffling the containers around to try to find them buried under there. He could deal with that stuff later. “Let’s go,” he says, waving his key ring in the air. 

He extends his hand out for you to lead you down to his car. You’re hesitant to take it, but you do anyway, your fingers intertwining with his. It was weird how well your hands fit together, how well all of you fit together. You never would have thought that you would. 

The two of you ride to your place in silence, neither of you sure what to say. He pulls in front of your building, but you don’t want to get out. You don’t want to leave him even though you know you need to talk to Evelina. You let out a sigh, “I don’t want to have to fight with her.”

“If it’s just about being away last night then I’ll just text her and say it’s my fault,” he says, reaching over and taking your hand. 

“That’s sweet,” you tell him as he kisses your hand, “but it’s fine. It’s between us, we’ll work it out, we always do.”

He just nods, feeling himself getting nervous. “What are you doing tomorrow night?” he asks you, figuring it was now or never. 

You form a thin line with your lips, shaking your head, “I don’t know. Right now nothing, why?”

He swallows hard, getting worried that his nerves would get the best of him. Why was he so nervous about this? You just spent the night with each other, you’ve been together before plenty of times. “I was,” he starts, his voice obviously shaking. You look at him, concerned. This wasn’t like him. He normally had more confidence in his pinky than some people had in their entire body. “I was wondering if you would let me take you out? On a date? A real date?”

Would this go against the deal you have with Evelina? Actually, it only would if you couldn’t come up with ten things and then didn’t ask him out at the end of the month. What was the harm of one date. “Yeah, Matty, I would love to.” 

He smiles, taking your face in his hands and planting one more kiss on you before you know you have to get out of his car. “I l-” he starts to say, stopping himself, “I’ll see you tomorrow. For our date.” 

“For our date,” you repeat, trying to properly process the words. You get out of his car and head up to your place. You were going on a date with Matthew Tkachuk. You were giddy, and you couldn’t wait to tell Evelina about it. 

Except you and Evelina had to hash other things out first, your joy and excitement turning to fear and dread over having to fight with her. You two almost never had real fights, so you had no idea what this was going to entail. You get to your apartment, standing outside your door. Finally working up the nerve to go inside, you find Evelina sitting on the couch watching something on TV. “Hey,” you say, closing the door behind you.

“Hi,” she says, not taking her eyes off the screen.

“So?” you say, sitting down next to her. “Can we talk about what happened at Matthew’s?”

“Why?” she asks, turning off the TV, irritation dripping in her tone. “No matter what I tell you about you and Matthew you deny.”

“Ev, you keep forcing the idea of loving him down my throat,” you tell her, trying not to raise your voice, “I understand that you’re rooting for us to be together but it’s just putting pressure on me and I can’t handle it.”

She looks down at her hands in her lap, her lips pursed, “You just,” she says, taking a deep breath, “For as long as I have known you, you’ve been talking about how excited you were to find the guy who would love you more than anything, for everything you are. I think you already know him. It’s Matthew.”

“And I get that. I’m trying to work out my feelings for him on my own, Ev. I love that you’re trying to look out for me, but at a certain point, you constantly telling me that I’m in love with him when I’m confused isn’t helping. Do you know how nervous I’ve been to tell you about last night? I was thinking about you more than I was thinking about him,” you tell her, both of you laughing.

“Please tell me you didn’t yell my name instead of his at any point,” she jokes, both of you cringing.

“I have a feeling Matthew would have had a lot of questions about that if I did.” You look at your best friend, knowing she’s just looking out for her, “Can you please just go a little easier on the whole, ‘I love Matthew thing?’”

“You just have to let me know when you figure it out,” she says, pulling you in for a hug. 

“You’ll probably know before he does.”

She pulls away, you surprisingly shocked that this turned out easier than you thought it would be. “So, how was it?” she asks, a devilish grin on her face. 

You laugh again, not shocked that she would ask something about it. You can feel the heat rushing to your cheeks as you think about the night before. “It was great. He’s taking me out tomorrow night.”

Her jaw drops, “On a date?” she squeals, jumping up and down on the couch. You spend the rest of the afternoon recounting as much as you wanted about the previous night to her. Your phone buzzes with texts from Matthew, asking you how your conversation with Evelina went. 

You spend the rest of the day on the couch with your roommate, turning on the game to watch Matthew and the guys play. At one point between periods, he sends you a rare ‘during game’ text.

‘Fuck me’ he sends, referencing a bad penatly he took that luckily didn’t result in anything for the other team.

‘Tell me when, tell me where, any time, and I’m there,’ you send back, showing Evelina before you hit send. He responds back immediately, with just the red emoji that has it’s tongue sticking out, with the water droplet by it’s eye.

“You’re rhyming? This boy has you rhyming?” she asks. You could tell she wanted to say more about it, but you were thankful she didn’t. The game ends, the boys winning in overtime, thank god. “Oh, what about the list?”

You look at her, not even sure if the list was still in the fridge when you threw it in there the other day. You meant to take it out, but you know for sure that you never did. “What about it?”

“You’re going on a date with him. I think that means you’re dating him, even if he isn’t your boyfriend. Do you still want to finish it?”

You sit there and think for a moment, staring blankly at Gio giving an interview after the game. If it weren’t for the list, would you even be in this position right now? Would you be thinking about Matthew in any way other than as your friend? “Yeah, I think I do,” you tell her, making a mental note to pull it out of the fridge or just start a new one. 

“Really?” she asks, shocked, “The point of it is that you’re writing out the things you hate about him. Why would you want to keep that going if you’re going out with him?”

“You said it was to prove that I didn’t love him. I still need to figure out if that’s true.” 

Her face drops, obviously upset that it seems like you were taking three steps back from the step forward you had taken the night before. The list just let you deny your feelings for him, she thought. But what could she do to stop you from finishing it? “Do you want to add anything to it?” 

“If we can find it, yeah,” you say, confusion washing over her face. “It might be in the fridge because he almost saw it when he was over the other day,” you explain.

“What do you want to add?”

Even though you know it’s supposed to be on your ‘hate list,’ you can’t help but smile when you tell her, “The way he makes me rhyme.” 

[mypoisonedvine]

Satisfied | Andy Barber x reader (chapter 4)

(chapter 1) (chapter 2) (chapter 3)

series summary: you’re the only lawyer in Boston who can get under Andy Barber’s skin, but you didn’t realise that he was trying to get under your clothes.  as is the nature of law, it’s only a matter of time before the truth is discovered.

word count: 3.7k

warnings: angst, implied smut, non-linear storytelling

a/n: I wrote this series originally with my friend joyce, and after she deactivated some of the chapters were lost.  this series is long-since completed, but I’m reposting now so people can still read!

You hated being back at your temporary ‘home’. The small apartment your company had rented was… suboptimal at best. It was a cramped little place that reminded you of your dorm at college. Only it had one difference: you were alone. But it was a place for you to reflect. And that was enough.

After the nightmare of a deposition, you had a lot of work to complete. Not only that, you had another two cases that you had to work on. Usually you would have been done and there would have not been so much stress involved but life happened. 

Maybe if you were not so preoccupied by thoughts of Andy you would have been on top of your workload. But Andy posed more than one issue. He was on your mind a lot. He lived in your brain the way he did back in college. He was buried into your brain. And as much as you dedicated your existence to the law, he had more of you than any other person ever did. And that was why you had spent the last three days ignoring him. 

Your entire existence burned to speak to him but you held out. You stayed strong and buried yourself in work. Your table was cluttered with pens and numerous reports and documents in a way that reminded you of being a student again. Andy always made fun of how messy you were when you studied. In every other aspect of your life you were so organized and neat yet the second you had any paper near you, it looked like a tip. 

The little memory brought a smile to your face. It was dangerous to reminisce in the better days but you did miss him. Many a flurry of different failed relationships helped you realize that it was because you still loved Andy Barber. And your need to make him hate you stemmed from your inability to let him feel indifference towards you.

Ever since you returned to Boston, you spent more time than you were willing to admit dwelling over the past. How different would your life have been if you had gotten valedictorian? Would you have been happy?

You’re startled out of your thoughts when the buzzer rings and when you went to check the camera, Andy was at the front with his hands in his pockets. “Andy?” 

“Let me in. You can’t keep avoiding me.” his voice is slightly distorted by the buzzer. Something, however, compelled you to let him in; you pressed the button and watched it flash green. It took a minute or so before Andy was at your door.

“Andy,” you breathed, “what are you doing here?” When you saw him, you realized that it was both a good and bad idea to have avoided him for a few days. You missed him. Just a little more than you wished to admit. But you needed to be away from him.

“Making up for lost time,” he replied before crashing his lips down on yours. It was practically a scene out of a stupid rom-com but it didn’t matter at that moment. He chased you the way you wished he had before. At least a part of you wished for that to happen.

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” you sighed as you tore away from Andy’s touch the way you’d drop hot coals.

“Don’t,” he pleaded, “you said that back in college--”

“And look where that got us,” you interrupted. The last thing you wanted was for that conversation to come up once again. It hurt too much to think about, let alone to talk about.

“No, we’re not doing this. Can you just let me in?” you had always been unable to resist him when he pleaded with his eyes; you let him enter and he made himself comfortable.

“It’s not as nice a place as yours,” you felt a little uncomfortable having him examine the bits of your life you tried to hide. “The firm I work for rented it for me.” You wished that the place was just a little cleaner before Andy came over unexpectedly. It was by no means a mess but it was nowhere close to the standard you were accustomed to. Or the one that he knew you had.

“Can you stop worrying about how you come across or how you’re perceived by people for just a second?” Andy raised his voice. You did not expect the outburst. Nothing gave you any indication for it.

“Did you forget that you came here, Andy?” he had a way of winding you up and you had never been above it. Your voice was blatantly irritated but Andy paid no mind to your frustrations.

“I...I just wanted to talk,” he sighed, calming down almost instantly. That made you understand that he really did come over for a conversation. It was never your strong suit but you needed something from him.

“About what, Andy?” your voice weak. “Us? There is no ‘us.’”

“About the case,” he looked at you pointedly avoiding the loaded statement you had just made. But you know that it hurt him. It was evident in his eyes. Even when he tried to hide the pain from you, it was impossible. You knew him too well.

“So what was all of that about making up for lost time, Andy?” you were on the verge of screaming not knowing how else to react.

“I-I came over about the case,” he licked his lips as he watched you, “but then I saw you. I saw your fucking face and I--”

“Andy…” you sighed, “we can’t keep doing this.”

“No, you don’t want to keep doing this,” he corrected, “but we still have a case to deal with.”

“We don’t have a case to deal with. I feel as if you have forgotten that we are representing opposing parties, Mr. Barber.”

“Trust me. I haven’t,” he deadpanned, “but seeing as your dearest client is shelling out a lot of money for this to be sorted, I thought that it would be helpful if we helped each other out.”

You raised an eyebrow out of interest, ashamedly intrigued. “And how would we ‘help each other out’?”

“Get your client to accept a plea deal. Considering how much money you’re being paid, he definitely has the means to fight it. But he doesn’t have the brains to. The evidence against him is mounting.” You hated Andy’s judgement. He always disagreed with your path, insisting that becoming a DA was the only moral way to practice law.

“Is that your professional opinion, Mr. Barber?” you cocked your head, “is this direct from your boss or is it stemming from your moral high-ground?”

“Consider it a favour from a friend. Or is it that you want that extra money so you continue to represent an arsonist?” Andy’s tone is biting, his disapproval of your career evident.

“Will you stop saying that?  I’m doing it for free!” you blurted out.

Silence elapsed over the two of you. Andy looked at you with an admiration you had not seen in a long time. It was almost unsettling how warm it made you feel. “Why?” His voice was so soft that you almost missed it.

“Just because I didn’t become a DA doesn’t mean that I don’t give a shit, Andy,” you were unsure of why you so desperately craved his approval. Or why you needed him to know that you were not just another money-hungry, morally bankrupt attorney. “But that’s what you thought, wasn’t it? That I only care about money?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he breathed out but the guilt was evident. It was written all across his face. The cruealen eyes you looked into many times were laced with genuine sadness. He was wrong. “I’m sorry.  Your client… he’s not paying, but the firm is still paying you, right?”

“No…” you let out a visible breath, “I have two other cases up here and so my company rented this place out and I am taking this one pro bono. If anything, I’m losing money by taking this on.”

“I’m sorry I judged you,” Andy pulled you into a hug you did not resist. He mumbled ‘baby’ into your hair at the end but you managed to catch it. It was soft but it was there. And it made your heart skip just a little. It had been so long since he had called you that.

You missed having his arms around you. It reminded you of safety and cramming for an exam. Land law was never your specialty but Andy got you through it.

Being pressed against his chest made you realize that he hadn’t changed his cologne. It was the same one you got him on your one-year anniversary. How you did not realize sooner was beyond you but there is something touching about it.

“You still wear it,” you’re surprised that you said it aloud. Andy looks at you in confusion. “The cologne I got you.”

He doesn’t look you in the eye but nods. “Yeah… it sorta became part of my everyday life. It reminds me of you.”

You nodded slowly and looked away, glancing out the window.  The tone of the room shifted in exactly the wrong direction.

“Listen, I know we were sort of awful for each other,” Andy chuckled dryly, “I know we still are awful to each other.  But it’s always been you.  It’s always been us.  And I don’t see why we can’t give it another—”

“I got an offer...  I’m gonna be a partner,” you blurted out, cutting him off before he could say anything else that would make leaving harder.

“Oh my god!” he replied excitedly, after a pause to process your interruption.  “Baby, that’s… that’s great.”  You knew that he was worried, he had every right to be.  All of the offers you once got had caused the same doubts.

“It’s in California.”

His face dropped and he swallowed nothing.  The silence was heavy, and cold.  Or maybe that was just the Boston air.  It had always felt like this… dark and damp and carried on a wind that made you shiver to your bone each time it blew.  It was exactly this feeling that should have made you long for sunny California, with its orange trees and beaches and manifest-destiny attitude.  It didn’t, but it should have.

It reminded you of college. Of talking to Andy about vacancies available across the country. You had always liked the idea of moving for money but he didn’t. And that was how he stayed in Boston after you graduated whilst you sold your soul to a corporation. 

He stood up and walked to the other side of the room, looking out the window.  He ran his hands through his hair in that way he did when he was anxious.  “You didn’t say you could be a partner,” he recalled.  “You said you were going to be a partner.”

“Yep,” you agreed.

“So, you’ve already accepted it?  That’s it?”

“I feel like I have to.  I mean, you would never ask me to stay, would you?”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Because you respect me too much?  Or because you know I’d never choose you over my career?”

“Both,” he said, anger tinting his voice.  “I would never want you to resent me.  If you gave it up for me, you’d resent me.  But just know…”

“What?”

“Just know I would’ve given up valedictorian for you,” he said it with such earnestness you did not know what to say or do. It was a declaration; one that you were not able to refute or confirm. Because you did not know. 

“Are you fucking serious?” you were not sure how to feel; anger and doubt swelled in the pit of your stomach. He could have said that all those years ago. Tears pricked your eyes as you tried to keep your composure.

“Yes.”

“You think I still care about that?”

“It doesn’t matter if you care now.  You cared then.  And I would’ve given it up, to save us,” Andy raised his voice. 

“But you didn’t, Andy!  You fucking didn’t!” tears fell freely down your face as you realized that his words and his actions would forever contradict the other.

“Because I thought you’d never be with a guy who would do something like that!  Do you realize that?  You hated me because I got it when I didn’t want it, but I wanted to impress you!  I wanted to deserve you!”

You were petrified, practically glued to the couch in fear and confusion and devastation.  It was almost impossible for you to fathom Andy’s thoughts about you. Maybe he was right. Maybe you would not have wanted him if he gave it up. Because if he did, you would not have earnt it. 

“Everything I did then, I was just trying to be the guy you wanted.  I became everything you feared you would become if you had a relationship in law school.  I completely lost sight of my studies, I would’ve flunked out, I was so obsessed with you-- thank God you were such a know-it-all or I surely wouldn’t have studied again after I met you.”

“Andy, this isn’t true.  You were always a great lawyer.  You always wanted it,” you tried to reason with him. He was a good lawyer. 

“I’m only as much a lawyer as you made me.  Everything I did was about building what I thought you wanted, so I could get you…” he paused with a slow breath, “and I’d throw it all away, to make you stay.”

“You won’t leave Boston...” it came to you slowly. You almost wished that it would not be the case. You wanted him. Maybe a little more than you wanted him back in college. It may have been the time and the distance that made you crave his heart.

“I won’t leave Boston,” he confirmed. “It’s the one thing that reminds me of who I was before you.  Who I’m trying to be.”

“And you got an offer,” you realized suddenly.

“Old habits die hard, I guess,” he shrugged.

“Are you seriously suggesting you’d give it up for me?” you were petrified by the concept. You would have never let him do it, anyway. He had worked too hard and for too long for you to be the reason he gave it all up. 

“If you gave up your partnership in Cali, wouldn’t it be fair for me to give up on being Suffolk County DA?”

“Oh shit, Andy, no, that wouldn’t be fair.  You need to take it,” you begged him.

“I knew you would say that.  You’ve barely changed at all.”

You stood up and approached him, placing a hand on his cheek.  “Give me a year,” you pleaded.  “Maybe that’s what we need.  A year apart to remember who we’re supposed to be.  Maybe I’ll love California and partnership and we’ll be able to say ‘hey, we’ll always have O’Leary’s’.”

He smiled a little, in a sad way. You hadn’t quite convinced him yet. He was unsure if you were really going to come back; he had trusted you with a lot before and each time he did, you broke it. Maybe giving you a year was too much of a risk for his sanity.

“Or maybe…” you breathed, half pleading, “maybe I can come back and you’ll be here.  And we can try to get along better than we used to.”

“I won’t wait forever,” he nodded slowly, “but I can do a year.”

“Okay,” you smiled, reaching for his hand and weaving your fingers into his.  He squeezed your hand but looked away.  “Andy…”

He turned to you and you wondered if you looked like you were about to cry, because you certainly felt like you were.  The situation was overwhelming, yes, but Andy, in himself, was the most overwhelming thing in your life. He consumed the only available parts of your existence. Everything you had not lost to the law belonged to him. 

Maybe in another universe you got to keep him. That you got married and had little Barber children. But right then, none of that mattered. You just needed him to know the truth. Three tiny words on the tip of your tongue to let him know the one thing that had stayed buried in your heart for a decade.

“Don’t say anything,” he requested weakly.  “Don’t say something that’s going to make this any harder.”

“But what if it’s the truth?”

“It doesn’t matter now,” he denied.

“Look at me,” you demanded, running your hand over his face, stepping closer and pressing your body against his.  You looked into his eyes and looked for hate, wishing that he still hated you at all.  “I love you.”

“Please don’t say that.” Andy’s voice was strained. You saw the internal battle he was having and it pained you. You knew that he wanted to say it. He loved telling you that when you were young. He’d remind you of his love so much you had it ingrained in your mind.

“But what if I never get another chance to say it?” a small broken sob escaped the confines of your lips. Every fibre of your being wanted to repeat those sacred three words just once more to ensure that he heard you. That he really heard you. You needed him to understand the weight behind your words. 

You had never meant them more than you had in that moment. You loved him. It was a confession you had not been able to deal with for years. You loved Andy Barber. And you had done so since the first time he said it to you in your dorm.

“You will,” he nodded, voice full of conviction, and soft eyes. “Come back in a year.”

“And when I do?” your voice was weak. Scared. It was unlike you. You had always gone after what you wanted but this time you had no choice. You had to wait a year. 365 days. 

“We’ll have this conversation again.  And it won’t be like last time.  It won’t be like this time.  It’ll be the truth.” Andy grabbed your trembling hands and kissed them. 

“Before I go,” you whimpered, feeling a tear start to fall, “lie to me just one last time.”

That was how you ended up in his bed again, his lips all over you, whispering everything you wanted to believe could be true.  I love you.  We’re gonna make it.  This isn’t goodbye.  He kissed you like it was the end of something.  He fucked you like it was just the beginning.

---

Another day, another argument.  As he paced around the dorm, you were trying to remember a time when this wasn’t just a part of the cycle.  There was no way it had always been like this, right?  If it had, you wouldn’t have made it this long… just a few months and you were already at the end of your rope.

“I can’t keep diminishing myself because you’re afraid of being overshadowed,” he shook his head.

“I’m not afraid of you,” you scowled.

“You’re afraid you won’t be valedictorian,” Andy was tense and he stood away from you, “you’re afraid that it will be me that takes it.” 

“Yeah!  Of course I am!  Because it’s what I’ve been working towards basically my whole life and now you’re trying to take it from me when you don’t even care about it!” 

“Of course I care about it!” Andy ran his hand through his hair in frustration. The argument was going around in circles. It always did and you always ended up in the same place. 

“Not half as much as I do.” Tears welled in your eyes. It was your dream. Your goal. And it was right in your sight. You were at the finish line and all you had to do was cross it.

“I don’t know why you’re so insecure, honestly.  You are so… threatened, by everything, by everybody.  Nobody’s nearly as good as you.  You run circles around all of us.  And you still can’t let go and let your accomplishments speak for themselves.  You’re at Harvard!  You’re already with the best!”

“Best isn’t good enough.  I need to be the best of the best.”

He sighed and leaned back against the wall.  “You are never going to be satisfied.  I can’t satisfy you, and you can’t satisfy yourself.”

“What do you mean you can’t satisfy me?”

“You’re going to dump me if you get valedictorian.”

“What makes you so sure of that?”

“Because I’m giving up on us, if I get it.”

You looked away.  After everything you still didn’t want him to see you cry.  “Think you can do better than a salutatorian?”

He laughed a little; a sad, broken noise.  “Yeah, something like that.”

He started to walk away and you were going to let him.  Some weaker part of you took over for a moment though, and grabbed his sleeve.  “Don’t go,” you requested.  He seemed like he was considering it.  “We can still be together, if I get it.”

He shook his head and looked at you with watery eyes.  “You’re impossible.”

“Please, Andy,” you have never pleaded for anything, let alone anyone, but Andy made you want to fight. Whether it was for him or for valedictorian, you were not sure. But it wasn’t enough for him. You needed to actually give something up; before he made that decision for you.

And, so, you watched him leave.  One footstep after the other taking a piece of your heart the further he gets. It crushed you.  Since you had lost Andy, you had to get valedictorian.  There was no fathomable way you were going to be able to deal with the loss of both. “I love you,” you whispered to his fleeting back.

And then it became your turn to grieve.  The loss of Andy took a bigger toll on you than you were even able to imagine.  That was in spite of the fact that you had spent less time with him over the past few months as he was working a lot more than usual. 

You knew that he was saving up for a big purchase.  He always did a lot more overtime when he was doing that.  Only you had no idea what it would be.  All you knew is that it would be a surprise, or so he told you.

next chapter: finale

[softyoongiionly]

Will You Make a Mess Now?

Jungkook’s never been touched before and, after a hectic end to his semester, he thinks he wants that to change...

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Virgin! Jungkook, established relationship au, college au, smut, fluff.

Word Count: 4.7k

A/N: HELLO YES I MISSED YOU. Guys, I swear i’m working on updating my series (plural) but, I’ve been out of writing for a while and, I needed something to get me back in the groove. What better way than to continue to affirm that my love for Jungkook is unavoidable and, unstoppable. i love youuuuu. This is unedited for now, please forgive any mistakes, I was too excited. 

Warnings: smut, language, 18+ only please.

After 4 grueling months of relentless studying and lectures, you can finally say that your second to last semester of university is finally over.

Finals week is still at the entrance of your subconscious as its literally all you’ve been able to think about for quite some time. You haven’t been able to unwind or see your friends and, if you’re being honest, you don’t remember the last time you actually slept for more than four hours at a time.

The good news is…

All of that is now behind you.

The exams have been taken, the textbooks have been returned or re-sold, the mountain of instant meals have been cleared from your kitchen (for now) and, you are currently on the subway headed to celebrate with the only person in the world that could properly bring you out of your post-exam haze:

Your boyfriend, Jungkook.

Jungkook is a kinesiology major, whom you met in one of your labs nearly two years ago. The two of you were friends for a long time before you finally got up the courage to kiss him at a party 5 months ago. And by courage, you mean you had a little too much to drink and, Jungkook looked way too good in his university crew neck so, you awkwardly leaned in to kiss him and he, being the absolute angel he is, pecked you on the lips before explaining to you that he wouldn’t kiss you properly until you were sober.

The next day, you woke up in his bed, alone. Your first response was to panic but, upon slowly sitting up in his sheets, you find Jungkook curled up on the floor amongst a pile of blankets. After a few slightly uncomfortable conversations, the two of you arranged a date and, started…you know…falling in love

Or whatever…

Fun fact: Given the fact that you’ve only been with Jungkook for a few months, the two of you have yet to be intimate. Jungkook stated early on that he wanted to take things slowly and, of course you were more than ok with that.

He’s been more and more comfortable with heavier petting so to speak as of lately but, the farthest you’ve ever gone was having his hand down your panties, and your hand over the seam of his jeans. And you’re fine with the progression of your sex life with Jungkook but, he’s only ever made you cum before and, every time you try and return the favor he politely declines.

“It’s ok, I just wanted you to finish jagi…”

“I’m ok, don’t worry, it will go down soon. Do you feel good though? Did I do it right?”

“Soon baby, I promise, it’s just not the right time yet.”

Once again, you’d never push him into something he didn’t want to do but, you were slightly confused as to why he never wanted you to reciprocate. 

Jungkook is quite frankly the best boyfriend in the entire world. He’s all of the cheesy stuff and, more. Things have been progressing slowly but, you didn’t mind. Whatever you have with him, it feels real.

And to be completely honest, you miss him so much that it’s starting to really get to you.

20 minutes later and, you’re in front his place and sending a quick text to let him know you’ve arrived.

You: I’m outside

You: please save me, it’s freezing  :’’’(

Not even a full minute goes by before you hear the fumbling of the lock and, you quickly prepare yourself to latch onto your boyfriend like a freaking spidermonkey.

It’s been almost a month since you’ve seen him face to face so, you can imagine your confusion (and disappointment) when you’re met with the face of his older brother instead.

“Hey,” Namjoon’s dimpled smile is a sight for sore eyes but, it does nothing to wane your confusion, “Kook is passed out upstairs but, he told me earlier to be on the lookout for you in case he fell asleep, which he did.”

A smile is passed to Namjoon as he holds the door open for you, “Of course he did, thanks Joon, is it just you guys right now?”

Jungkook has six brothers and, they all live under the same roof, so the rent is split in seven equal parts.

It’s the only way for them to afford a house off campus.

“Nah Jin and Tae are upstairs too, everyone else is out.” He murmurs and, its then you notice the dark circles decorating the space beneath his eyes.

“Gotcha, are you excited to be done with finals? I feel like I could sleep for 15 years…” You jest, nudging him gently, knowing full well that Namjoon was feeling the same sense of exhaustion you were.

He chuckles and nods immediately, walking with you to the bottom of the stairs, eyes flitting eagerly towards his bedroom.

“That is literally my plan for the rest of the day. I have an adjustment on my project and, after I get that submitted, I’m falling asleep and not talking to anyone for at least 24 hours.” He declares, the seriousness in his tone causing you to giggle.

“I’ll make sure to thwart any of the guys that try to fuck with your beauty sleep…” You vow, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re one of the good ones Y/N…” He laughs, jerking his chin towards Jungkook’s door, “he’s missed you a lot.”

Namjoon’s response is unexpected and it warms you from the inside out.

“Yeah? Did he say something to you?”

You feel like you’re in middle school again, attempting to figure out if your crush likes you.

“He was whining about it the other day, he’s really into you.” Namjoon smirks, before sending a pointed look your way, “don’t tell him I told you that though, he’d kill me.”

The smile on your face probably looks a little ridiculous but, you don’t care, you’re only concern is getting up these stairs and into your boyfriend’s bed.

“I wouldn’t want to expose you for breaking the bro-code.” You return his smirk, passing him to ascend the staircase, “Get some rest, thank you for letting me in.”

“You got it. Have a good night.” Namjoon disappears behind his bedroom door rather quickly, eager to pass out and, you suddenly feel your heartrate increase as you grow closer to Jungkook’s room.

You really did miss him and, the urge to jump into his arms is stronger than you’d like to admit.

Especially given that you know he’s asleep and, you’d have to wait for him to wake up. And you would, cause you know, he deserves to sleep as long as he wants.

You’re not certain that you won’t fall asleep with him.

The door to his room is opened carefully and quietly and, shut just the same.

His bedroom is almost too dark due to the blackout curtains that hung over his windows; a birthday present from his brother Yoongi, they are his new favorite thing.

Jungkook must have shut them in a haste however because, there is a tiny sliver of light shining through which thankfully provides you with a clear path way to his bed.

Soft snores emit from the pillow closest to the windows and, all you can see is Jungkook’s mop of black hair peeking out from underneath his covers. The hum of his noise machine is a comforting sound and, paired with the woodsy vapors coming from his diffuser (a gift from Namjoon), you could feel the sleepiness beginning to tug at your body.

With your overnight bag placed on Jungkook’s gaming chair, you make your way to his bed and slowly peel the covers back.

Oh-

Despite the fact that it’s freezing outside, your boyfriend has unfortunately decided to sleep shirtless, his toned body clad only in his favorite grey sweatpants and, a pair of black socks.

He looks like a god but, you know, that’s totally fine and, not at all distracting.

His brows are furrowed in deep sleep, his cherry lips formed into a slight pout, snores still rumbling deep within his chest. One of his arms is bent at the elbow and, tucked firmly underneath his pillow, his other arm stretched out across the expanse of his bed.

Which of course, poses an issue for you since you don’t want to disturb his sleep but, you want nothing more than to snuggle up to him.

(forever)

Jungkook is a pretty heavy sleeper so, the likelihood of waking him is pretty slim and even if you do, you can at least take comfort in the fact that he’s expecting you.

So you slowly lift his arm, quickly tucking yourself into the warmth of his bed and, move the covers back to their original position. It isn’t super comfortable but, you’re afraid to move anymore in fear of waking him up.

Your hands absentmindedly trail over his forearms, admiring the warm, caramel undertones in his skin and, the veins which protrude gently underneath the surface.

His hand is still covered in the temporary tattoos he got nearly two months ago.

Being the Virgo that he is, Jungkook wanted to insure he liked the chosen designs before deciding to get the real thing. You certainly aren’t complaining but, you are secretly hoping he decides to keep them.

Jungkook and tattoos: a lethal combination.

You lay like this for awhile, admiring your boyfriend, listening to the various white noises echoing off the walls, enjoying the scent of his freshly washed sheets.

He washes his bedding once a week.

Sure enough, you feel your lids grow heavier and heavier, the temptation of sleep growing ever so slightly at the back of your mind.

However, Jungkook’s hand twitches at your side and, you feel movement beside you, causing your head to tilt in his direction.

You’re met with a sleepy smile and, a gaze so endearing, you might just die right then and there.

“You’re here…” He murmurs, voice raspy and decorated with sleep.

It doesn’t take you long to get closer to him, his free arm not leaving your body in order to hug you against his bare chest.

“I’m here…” You answer, a smile in your voice, pursing your lips to place kisses on  his skin.

Jungkook smiles properly now but, you don’t see it, your face tucked firmly into his neck.

He’s so happy you’re here.

His arm moves out from underneath his pillow to envelope you completely, shy lips pressing a few kisses to the top of your head as he shifts onto his back, taking you with him.

“Missed you..” He mumbles almost, coy and unsure but, genuine.

As he usually is.

A smile erupts on your mouth now, as you look up to face him and, for whatever reason you’re overcome with the need to feel his lips against yours. So you do just that and, secure your mouth to his, letting a deep breath out through your nose. His quick too, big hands sliding down your back to hold onto your hips.

“Missed you more” You whisper against his lips, a little breathless from the depth of the kiss you’ve just shared.

His nose wrinkles in disgust as he shakes his head, leaning in to kiss you again, “No…me…”

The childish nature of his response makes you giggle, accepting another kiss eagerly.

“If you missed me so much, why did you make Namjoon let me in hm?” You tease, still kissing at his mouth, one of your hands sliding over his ribcage.

He nibbles at your lip in retaliation, a slight smirk on his mouth, “Cause I was tired and, you were taking forever…”

Jungkook chuckles at his own whining and, you follow suit whilst shaking your head in disbelief.

“You’re only further proving my point, I rode the silver line to get here, just because it was faster and, I walked through the cold just so I could see your stupid face…”

By stupid, you mean beautiful but like, he doesn’t need to know that.

Jungkook laughs harder this time, its higher pitched and more genuine, his hands that are on your hips squeeze in retaliation.

“My face isn’t stupid….you’re stupid…” He chuckles, teasing you because, its one of his many ways of coping with how he feels for you.

Before you can respond, he kisses you again, your comeback dying in the back of your throat as your hand comes up to rest against his cheek.

The two of you can’t stop smiling and, giggling as you indulge one another, ignoring the clumsy way your lips connect.

“You look so beautiful like this…comfy…” He adds, his tone taking on a shyer tone as he nudges your nose, eyes half open, “I really did miss you jagiya…”

His words send emotion careening into your chest and, you can’t help the way your lips respond more eagerly against his.

“You make comfy look like a Calvin Klein campaign…” You retort before adding, “I missed you too. You’re staying home this winter too right?”

It’s a rarity for both of you stay on campus during winter break but, this year your families had decided to come to you.

He nods, eyes still soft as he tucks your hair behind your ear, lips pouted that you stopped kissing him for a moment, “Mhm…we’ll be here together…”

Jungkook has his moods like most people do but, there is a certain way he gets that you swear he reserves only for you. Being the youngest of seven boys, he’s used to being the source of a lot of banter and, teasing so, being with you is no exception but, recently he’s been getting softer and softer.

Sweeter and sweeter…

And you’re not complaining…

“We will.” You affirm, pecking his lips again, “we can go on all those dates we’ve been promising eachother.”

He nods, pulling the duvet up higher over the two of you, “Yeah, I have a lot of ideas but, I want to hear your ideas too…but I’m excited for mine…”

Another giggle leaves your lips at his almost jovial tone, his competiveness sneaking through a bit.

“I’m happy I get to spend the night with you more, you keep me warm.” You hum, delighting in the fact that Jungkook blushes at your statement.

“I keep you warm?” He checks, securing his teeth to his bottom lip, nibbling on it nervously.

With a nod of your head, you snuggle into his body, taking in the scent that was uniquely Jungkook: woodsy and clean, free of any harshness.

“So warm.” You whisper against his neck, pressing a gentle kiss there.

Though, as gentle as the kiss was, it doesn’t stop Jungkook from immediately plumping up from within the confines of his sweatpants. His neck is his weak spot.

You don’t feel him yet but, you do notice a reaction from him: his head tilts back ever so slightly, feet rubbing together at the end of the bed. The teasing words stay trapped in your throat as you decide to push your luck and, kiss him there again, letting your lips linger longer than before.

He doesn’t stop you when you place a third kiss into the sweet spot on his neck, or a fourth or a fifth but, soon enough he feels his dick filling out the empty space in his sweat pants, the sensation of your lips beginning to get to him.

“Jagiya?” He croons into the darkness of the room whilst his heart beats wildly in his chest, his hands sort of fidgeting against your hips.

“Hm?” You hum, kissing up his neck towards his lips, “Are you ok?”

He isn’t, he’s hard and, there is four months of stress sitting on his shoulders that he is certain your lips will melt away but, he’s so nervous.

“Uh…I’m…” He stutters for the right words but, you already know what he’s trying to say because, you can feel him now, pressing into your hip.

“Do you want me to stop?” You place a gentle kiss to his stuttering mouth, wanting to check with him before you continue.

“No…yes, shit I-“ He looks torn, glancing down towards his dick before looking back at you, “I don’t know jagi, I’m sorry…”

Immediately, you shake your head, pulling back to look at him, “Hey…hey it’s ok, you have nothing to be sorry for ok? We don’t have to do anything until you’re ready. I should have asked you if it was ok to kiss you there…”

He shakes his head now, pulling you closer, “You didn’t do anything wrong, I want you to kiss me and…touch me, I just wish I wasn’t so…” He sighs, biting his lip, dark eyes flitting nervously around, “I’ve just never…let anyone make me cum before…”

You have to admit, this shocks you.

Jungkook was obviously a campus heartthrob, literally everyone had a crush on him, even the Dean and, while you didn’t think that made him into some kind of Casanova, you had been certain that he had some sexual experience before meeting you.

But clearly, you were wrong.

Reaching out to touch his cheek, you pull his gaze back to yours, “There’s nothing wrong with that babe. We all do things at our own pace. The two of us have all the time in the world, you can wait as long as you need to…”

His fingers curl slightly against your hips, shifting you until your sitting in his lap, causing you to ignore the way his length feels pressing into your core. A deep breath is needed but, it doesn’t last long because, Jungkook speaks again, surprising you.

“Noona I-“ He kisses you again, trying to focus on anything other than his throbbing dick, “I don’t want to wait anymore though…I’m just really nervous.”

It hits you like a ton of bricks but, you remain focused, allowing him to take all of the time he needs.

“That’s ok, it’s ok to be nervous.” You assure him gently, kissing between his eyes, “Can I ask what you’re nervous about?”

“I just don’t know what it’s going to be like and, I don’t know…my hyungs say it feels amazing but, I don’t want to do the wrong thing or what if you use your mouth and, it tastes bad or something, fuck I sound really dumb, I swear…I’m ….”

You cut him off with a gentle kiss to his forehead, smiling fondly into his skin as your hands come up to rub tenderly at his back.

“Slow down for me baby.” You whisper and, the words along with your touch are enough to calm him slightly, “you say you don’t want to wait right? So, what would you be comfortable with us doing right now? It doesn’t have to be all at once, we can take things slow.”

His fingers explore the skin on your hips, as he wears a nervous but eager expression, “I don’t want our first time to be…here or like…after all of this.  I don’t think I’m ready for the way you’ll make me feel, I can barely hang on when you’re sitting on me like this but, I…”

His eyes flit down to your center for a moment, as if the thought of being inside of you overwhelms him. He looks back up at you, lips swollen from all of the kiss, his timid expression tainted with lust.

“I wanna feel what it’s like to have someone touch me…I want you to touch me really bad.”

The world could be ending beyond Jungkook’s blackout curtains and, it still wouldn’t be enough to stop you from honoring his request.

Your finger tilts his chin towards your lips, “I want to touch you too. Can I touch you right now?”

He nods immediately, swallowing around a dry throat and an unsteady heartbeat. To soothe himself, he kisses you again before, nudging your nose playfully, trying to ease the tension he feels.

“Ok, I’m going to get behind you alright?”

Your response confuses him and, you can tell but, you know he’ll catch on soon enough. He leans forward, allowing you sit directly behind him, your legs on either side of his silhouette, your body encircling him with your warmth.

“Lean back against me…” You whisper in his ear, causing him to shiver as he obliges, his bare back now flush against your chest. “Comfy?’

He chuckles, his cheeks on fire at the position you’re both in but, he nods none the less, his hands moving to the outsides of his thighs and, then to tops of your knees, rubbing the skin there.

“Now, I want you to show me how you touch yourself ok? So I can see what you like and, then, whenever you’re ready, I’ll touch you.” You explain gently, kissing around the shell of his ear, your hands coming to brush over his hips.

Jungkook already feels like he could cum, he just can’t believe you’re about to touch him.

He has no idea what to expect.

“Ok…” He tilts his lips to mumble against your mouth, his tone boyish and jovial, “ You promise you won’t laugh right?”

At his question you giggle, kissing him and shaking your head, “Of course I’m not going to laugh babe, I’m here to make you feel good.”

He chuckles too, relishing in the way you make him feel: comfortable and comforted.

“OK, I’ll uh…I’ll start now…” He whispers, his shaky and quite frankly clammy hand leaves your knee and, slowly travels to the band of his sweatpants, tucking underneath for a moment before bringing his dick out from it’s confines.

It’s bigger than you anticipated and, as hot as any dick can be. Swollen and curving slightly at the reddened tip, it makes your mouth water; literally every inch of your boyfriend is beautiful.

Jungkook takes a shaky breath in through his nose as he encircles a hand around his length, squeezing tentatively right underneath the tip, the sensation makes his head spin.

He stays silent as he finds a rhythm his comfortable with and, you admire the way his toned stomach trembles with his own ministrations. You take note that he pays careful attention to his  frenulum, his thumb rubbing over it continuously as he strokes himself.

After a few moments, you start pressing kisses into his neck, allowing your hands to wander over his hips, tracing patterns into his skin.

“Jagi…I-“ He mutters before his words catch on the softest moan, the sound of course caused by you nibbling on his neck, “You’re making it so good for me…”

He sounds helpless, like he knows that you touching him is going to ruin him because, you touching on him whilst he jacks off is already fucking him up.

“Yeah? It feels good?” You reaffirm before sucking gently on his sweetspot, a motion that causes his hand to stall right underneath his tip, his head falling back against you.

“Mhm…” He hums and, if he wasn’t reigning it in, he would be whining but, he stops himself, trying to gain some sense, “Do you know how to touch me now?”

He’s starting to feel impatient, because he knows the way your hands feel on him now and, his dick is so hard he feels like he could burst.

You smirk fondly against his neck as you nod slowly, your hand trailing over his wrist which is still working on his length, “Are you ready?”

“Yes…” He answers immediately, letting his hand fall to the side, his eyes closing tightly as he prepares himself for your touch.

“Just relax for me ok? I’m going to make you feel so good.” You coo into his ear before slowly resuming the touch on Jungkooks length.

At the first squeeze of your hand, he’s quite certain he has never felt more pleasure in his entire life, as you slowly drag your fist up his aching dick, his mouth falls open in complete awe but, when you begin the same rhythm he had just performed on himself, Jungkook swears his going to melt into a puddle on the bed.

“Oh-“ He huffs, his eyes popping open to zero in on your hand because, watching you touch him is enough to fill up his spank bank for the rest of the year. “Oh my god…Noona…you’re touching me…”

He’s in disbelief. In 22 years, his never let anyone touch him like this before and, although he can’t believe he ever lived without it, he’s glad it was you who touched him first.

“Mhm…” You hum in his ear, kissing gently on the side of his face, “Does it feel good baby?”

As your thumb repeats his early movements, his brown eyes roll to the back of his head, his adams apple jumping around his throat as he swallows.

“I can’t…feel anything else but, your hand on my dick I-oh my fucking god…” He whimpers, his eyes popping open again to watch your pace increase.

His words surprise you, he’s never been so vulgar before and, now you know why but, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to hear more.

“Nothing else huh? Do you think you’re gonna cum for me baby?” You’re egging him on, wanting him to cum his brains out for you.

You gotta make a good first impression after all…

He nods, his hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, his abs trembling even more so with your motions, his toes curling painfully against the sheets.

“Yeah…really soon…for you..” He gets out, not thinking clearly enough to form full sentences.

“Yeah? What if I went a little faster hm? Would that do the trick baby? Will you make a mess now?”

Oh he’s fuck now.

As your pace increases on him, you focus more attention on his throbbing tip, pulling and squeezing him to the point of no return. Jungkook feels nothing but, pleasure as he starts to rock his hips up into your touch.

“I’m gonna cum…I’m gonna cum…oh my god you’re so good…” He mutters before a whimper takes over his speech, eyes squeezing shut as his head falls back against you once more, “fuck….thank you Noona…god thank you so much…”

Those are his last words before his release comes, the sweltering pleasure consuming his entire being, starting up from his balls and, shooting up his length. Jungkook knows in his heart he’s never cum so hard in his life. Nothing could ever compare to the way you make him feel.

“There you go…let it out baby…” You whisper, kissing at his cheeks as you stroke him through his release.

Once his hips begin to twitch with sensitivity, you slow your pace on him, easing off his dick.

Jungkook’s breathing his erratic and, he feels drunk off of the pleasure he’s just received but, he knows for a fact that he came all over himself and, all over your hand.

You wait for him to open his eyes so, he can watch you lick his release from your fingers, taking time to show him the skills of yours he’s yet to experience.

“holy shit…” He mutters, eyes completely glazed over before leaning in and capturing your lips between his and, kissing you with everything he has.

You giggle against his lips before, squealing unceremoniously into the kiss as Jungkook turns quickly in your grip, falling back towards the foot of the bed and, taking you with him. He just chuckles, kissing you harder as he lets his hands run a little more freely over your body.

“I’m guessing you liked it?” You tease into the kiss before he leans back, his expression completely offended.

“Liked it? You’re guessing I liked it???” He blazes dubiously before, pinching your sides and, suddenly leaning into kiss all over your face, nibbling on your cheeks, “You almost made me cry…”

“You cry all the time…” You point out, pinching his side back, causing him to gasp in mock horror.

“Shut upppp…” He whines, smirking as he tucks his face into your neck, nibbling on the skin again and, while it seems innocent, soon enough Jungkook’s nibbling turns into kissing and, his playful touch on your hips turns to caressing.

“Noona?” His tone has shifted lower, it shoots straight down to your core.

“Yeah?” You breathe, eyes shut against the sensation of his lips.

“Will you make a mess now?”

[javier-pena]

bestie girl, i am really looking forward to new triumvirate content<3 i'm so in love with the littel world you made for javi and the reader and their relationship and what you did with katie! i really admire how you made her a real developed character (her getting the small notepad from her bag and writing down the booktitle and author is one of my favorite parts of this) can you talk a little bit about your inspirations and about your plans for the series? 💛

anon, this ask has been living in my mind rent-free for almost 24 hours now. i love you for remembering all those little details! and i'm so happy you like katie because she is really more of an oc than a previously existing character because we know nothing about her apart from that she has s*x with javi

i actually had the idea while rewatching narcos and then one evening i got slightly drunk and it just came to me and it kinda started as a joke between me and dani @danidrabbles which ended with me saying, "no you know what, i actually want to write this". i mostly wanted it to be something where the characters communicate about the threesome, their expectations, where they set rules etc., because i didn't just want it to be about the sex but also explore what kind of feelings would be felt in a situation like that. ultimately, it also turned into something that helped me come to terms with my own bisexuality, and i wanted to write something that reflected this.

i could never ever have done it without dani as my writing partner and co-creator of this series. she's just incredibly good at communicating and understanding these characters, and it's so easy to come up with ideas if you have someone like her to discuss them with. we have a whole google doc that she put together which is a rough outline of the story (from the beginnings where it's just supposed to be a one-time thing to all the doubts and fears and conflicts that arise to a very happy ending). i don't want to give too much away, but it's definitely meant to be a love story between all three of them.

[snkpolls]

SnK Chapter 137 Poll Results

This month’s poll results brought to you by: staraves, crunchwrap, momtaku, and Giovata

Important!! This month’s poll is looooooong so click the read more knowing you’ll be scrolling for a long while.

Also new this month, data junkies rejoice! if you’d like to see all 131 pages of write-ins from this month you can. View as doc or pdf

  RATE THE CHAPTER 2,188 Responses

Chapter 137, “Titans”, was one of the most polarizing chapters in recent memory, provoking strong reactions both positive and negative.  When we compiled the results, the chapter averaged 4.09 on a 1-5 scale, which places it 37th out of the 47 chapters we’ve ranked. No matter how you view it, it’s still a solid rating.

it was beautiful!!

While the pacing was somewhat spotty, overall, the chapter was absolutely fantastic and very fulfilling and answered a lot of the things I had wanted answered.

i was surprised by the events and was left crying and speechless

I'm never judging a chapter by leaks again. This was awesome!

Regardless of how good the next two chapters are, they won’t fix this one. 126 was bad, but it was just bad. This is bad and disappointing.

I realised that there are 2 chapters left so I read it peacefully while crying

It was a great setup for the final

I mean, this is complete shit and I've completely given up hope in the ending, but at least the story finally progressed at little this chapter.

i thought it was amazing. sad, yes, but amazing. i loved reading zeke and armin’s conversation in the Paths. i just really hope eren doesn’t die. with all the deaths that’s happened, his is the only one i won’t be able to bare. i already lost my favorite character, sasha, i can’t lose him too.

I had no reason to cry but I did anyways 👍

  WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? 2,169 Responses

Before we get to the MVP results we’d like to make one quick shout out to a past poll. In 135 we asked who would be the one to detonate the explosives. Of the 1,121 responses that month, only 29 people correctly predicted it would be Jean. So while Jean only received 6.8% of the MVP vote for this act, we think those 29 people deserved some acknowledgement.

With Zeke and Armin comprising more than 20 pages of the chapter, it’s no surprise the majority of favorite moments centered around them. “Zeke and Armin’s discussing of the meaning of life” garnered one-fifth of all responses (20.2%), followed by “Zeke seeing the beauty of the world” (14.7%).  “Levi making good on his promise” (14.5%) was the third most selected option. “Armin reminiscing about the happy moments of his past”  was fourth (13.6%). The final option with double digit results was the cliffhanger ending,  “Armin saying goodbye to Eren before exploding” (10.3%).

everything in this chapter was amazing, there's literally nothing that doesn't makes me happy (except Zeke's death, it made me cry-)

Zeke‘s reflection and death are my favorite panels in the manga. It lives rent free in my mind. This is my favorite chapter of the manga so far.

I liked how Isayama had Jean reuse the suicidal blockhead nickname

I loved seeing Levi take a sort of protective, fatherly role when helping Gabi take out the Okapi Titan. And seeing him finally fulfill his promise and vow to Erwin is refreshing and makes me feel happy.

I loved the conversation between Zeke and Armin. Zeke was always nihilistic, he saw life as dry and meaningless. Armin is on the opposite - he found the meaning of life in the little happy moments. He taught Zeke that life isn't only about multiplication , but about higher, happier and more spiritual things, like love, having fun or watching sunsets and sunrises. I'm glad that Zeke found his own meaning of life and understood that there was nothing wrong about him being born on this world and he would do it once again, if he had a chance. We can add their conversation to the list of the best conversations in the manga.

it was a great chapter, and Armin & Zeke's talk was the highlight for me.

i love that scene where levi was protecting gabi from falling off falco's titan

Armin transforming and saying bye to Eren gave me absolute chills.

♡ This chapter has one of the touching scenes on AOT, because of everyone's helos moment, the unexpected character development, the fulfillment of the promise, worthy sacrifices, the reunion of the well known past titan shifters especially helping all the alliances, and the unexpected goodbyes.

  WHO WAS THIS CHAPTER'S MVP? 2,165 Responses

There were two stand-outs in this chapter. Zeke won MVP by an Eldian ass hair at 35.9% of the vote, with Armin a smidge behind at 35.5%. Third place goes to a truly majestic cameo by the Cambrian explosion at 8.4%. Honorable mentions go to the horse in fourth (6.1%), Levi with his head-spinning moves (5.4%), and Reiner (maybe) Helos Braun (4.9%).

I LOVE ZEKEEKEKKEKE

MAJESTIC ARMIN MAJESTIC ARMIN MAJESTIC ARMIN MAJESTIC ARMIN MAJESTIC ARMIN MAJESTIC ARMIN MAJESTIC ARMIN MAJESTIC ARMIN MAJESTIC ARMIN

Not crazy about Armin's "Talk no Jitsu" being the end-all solution but I reluctantly voted him MVP because there is no way in hell the brat who killed Sasha deserves anything like it even without being in only one panel

Zeke and Armin carried the chapter, after Levi and Gabi.

Falco is still best boy

Zoook <3

  WE BID FAREWELL TO THE BEAST TITAN THIS CHAPTER WITH THE DEATH OF ZEKE. LONG-TIME FOLLOWERS OF THE MANGA WILL REMEMBER THE FIRST SKETCH OF THE MYSTERIOUS FIGURE INTRODUCED AS THE ONE HOLDING THE KEY TO THE STORY. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE WAY HE WENT OUT? 2,177 Responses

Looking back at that old sketch, it really does feel like the end of an era. 44.6% of respondents thought Zeke’s end was a good and poetic way to go out. 29% were sad to see him go but were glad he had some agency - even throwing out a last bit of sass at Levi! 12.4% didn’t like how it happened as it was somewhat sudden and maybe not as epic as it could’ve been. 7.6% question if it’s really the end for Zeke quite yet, and 6.4% have no strong opinions about it.

A fitting end for a great character

I think his ending was very poetic but could have been executed much better.

In terms of writing, he was the third best character in the post-time skip section of the story. He deserved a better ending.

funny monke man... I...

10/10 character, one of my all time favourites. In theory, I like the idea of him sacrificing himself to stop Eren, but with the build up he had (mainly the way Grisha said he would save everyone) it was an extremely disappointing death.

I love him and via development. The thing is that the way he was killed was rushed as fuck and kinda killed my enjoyment of his last moments. If worked better, pretty sure I would have cried.

I really liked the way Zeke's character arc ended, and he remains one of my favorite characters in the series.

I'm happy that he appreciated life at the end. I wish he could survive this

He was an incredible character. I'm going to miss the monkey.

i have always loved zeke as a character, his personality and everything about him was just amazing, kinda sad he's gone now but atleast he got an epic death

I have loved Zeke since the beginning and I am so sad he is gone. But thankfully his death was well-done and he went out happily, realizing the true beauty of the world.

I was underwhelmed...I hoped to get much more out of him than what we did. But I guess this is expected when you introduce like 10 new characters and try to cram their entire arcs in less than 30 chapters at the expense of the original protagonists' (I'm not salty...I swear...).

I'm happy that his arc ended the way it did. As the above question said, it was poetic. But more than anything else, it was meaningful.

i dont rlly care bout him before, but when he died i cried. idk why lol 👴

he deserved so much better

I wanted him to die, but not killed by Levi.

He's not dead

I was actually affected more by his final words rather than his death. I think Isayama concluded his character pretty well. Now he can finally play catch in peace.

  HOW HAS YOUR OPINION OF ZEKE CHANGED WITH THIS CHAPTER? 2,164 Responses

47.1% already liked or loved Zeke before this chapter. 22.5% felt much softer towards him after this chapter but not enough to really say they like him. 21.5% enjoyed his chill philosopher side so much they would’ve liked to see more of him after all. Finally, 8.9% were not convinced and still don’t care for him.

I've always found him interesting. I love how his role in the story evolved as time went on. One of the best characters in Attack on Titan.

I mean, when they released his flashbacks as a child, I already started sympathising with him. Also his paths adventure with Eren. But this chapter really solidified it for me. The guy was just a sad boy who wanted love and thought he was doing the right thing.

He was an "end justify the means " person. I don't like him still.

I mean... it was nice to see him realise that he wouldn't mind being born again, but I was still a bit miffed by the fact that he still believed that his euthanasia plan was the way to go (it sort of diluted the impact of the conversation between him and Armin). Also liked that he acknowledged the innocent people he had murdered, so I'd give his character a 6/10.

my rating on him went up a lot, but i do think that it was a bit quick for him to turn

Isayama finally got me to feel for him in the end, but it took a damn long time.

wow he actually almost grew up in his last moments, congrats to him

Probably my favourite character now.

♡ All this time I've been hating Zeke. Call me childish but I do even hate him more to the extent that I wan't him to die a horrible death, just because he gave problems to my fave character Levi. But now that he's changed and gone I feel bad and sad. But I accepted his fate and that he is dead for good.

I've always enjoyed Zeke's character. Ever since picking up the manga after Season 1 what feels like an eternity ago and he's one of my favorite characters. That being said... This chapter made me dislike him a bit.

His character was ruined in a single chapter.

His growth has been interesting to watch. I was somewhat lukewarm on him before this chapter, but his willingness open his mind and accept the life given to him made me appreciate him much more.

I never liked Zeke but at the end I really liked his character development

he’s still a dick

I am a lot more at peace with his character with the development of the recent chapters. I can't say the same for my first impression of him and what he did to Erwin's gang. Still he's a very well written chatacter and I wish he got more moments to bond with Grisha.

I thought something important or something big were gonna happen but then boom he died

I used to hate him but the more get got to know him the more I understood his character. Overall an intresting and well written charcter.... i still hate him tho hahaha but less than before.

I used to hate him but when they showed his past & how he didn’t get love from anyone I started to really like & understand him

I used to hate him tbh but after chapter 137 he turned into one of my favorite characters to bad hes dead 😔

Honestly his story hit me a lot harder than expected, and it was amazing to see him go from totally nihilistic to a little hopeful at his last moments

Honestly I'm just impressed by that long journey. I've don't recall ever changing my opinion on a single character so many times.

I hated him from the beginning for what he did to Mike, and his actions during RtS didn't improve my opinion either. Even his sad backstory didn't influence how I felt about him. And then in chapter 137 a tiny miracle happened, and moments before he died I actually felt something. Sadness. Empathy. Respect, even.  Goodbye Zeke, you were a great character.

  ZEKE’S HAD QUITE A JOURNEY, FROM SCARY MONKE TO MEME MONKE TO SAD MONKE TO ENLIGHTENED MONKE. NOW THAT HE’S GONE, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS, WHETHER POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE, ON ZEKE’S CHARACTER AS A WHOLE? 1,199 Responses

We had A LOT of responses to this one - we’ve included as many as possible without the list becoming absurdly long! If you’d like to see all of the write-ins, go back to the top of this document for the full link.

I loved Zekes character. Even as he attacked Paradis Island you could see his methodical viewpoint on their roles in all of this. He always was working the end game and their ability to not be used as pawns. We may not have always agreed with his path and believe me, there were moments I hated him. So many, but he also knew his moment in this time and what his role was. His death was a righteous one and I loved that Levi was able to fulfill his promise.

I thought his character was probably one of the best in the story, with a very well defined beliefs/viewpoint and a bunch of interesting characterwork.

I'll miss the Zook memes

I'm glad he got to understand that the world is beautiful before dying, I was angry because of all the things he did but chapter by chapter I came to realise  how sad his life was, he only had little moments to be happy and be a normal kid/person, I'm not justifying his actions but I'm not judging him either.

I'm going to miss him :/

I love Zeke as a character. He is well written on his own and also has a drastic effect on a lot of characters. I think that Zeke realizing that there are other ways to look at life and his way was not the most convenient one makes the viewer realize that no one is wrong and no one is right. I think his death was pleasing enough and he look liked he didn't have major regrets in life, other than the one he discussed with Armin.

At first he seemed to me a very cruel and conflictive character but he has had a great development and a dignified closing for his unfortunate path

Top 5 best written character

IF ONLY GRISHA THREW A FUCKING BALL AT HIM ONCE IN A WHILE :((((((

A complex and well written and likable however I still can't forgive him after Erwin

A good character, definitely one of the most interesting of SnK.

a good guy(?) at least he's listening

A good written character , loved his arc and how it ended

I think Zeke was one of the only characters that had some understandable motivations.

"Go back, I want to be monke!"

He was a really important character to the whole plot. His presence always influences the story heavily. I am kinda neutral to what to feel about him.

He was a typical Yeager - only the way he believed should be what all the others had to believe too. So I was glad that he turned around in this last chapter of his.

He was a walking meme then and now he is one of the most complex characters in the series, maybe with another father he would have been happy

He was a well defined character, with adequate back-story to understand his perspective. I cannot say he was likeable or relatable though, except from the moments he was showing some kindness to his subordinates.

He was always a good guy

He was always alone

he was always being used and now i’m crying

he was badass but still idiot

He was brainwashed with no good childhood..i feel sorry for him

He was brought up as kid without loves from his own parents until mister Tom ksaver shows him love and take good care of him as if Zeke was his son so there’s no negative thought about him as he need to do what he need to in order to save the world

Isayama once called him the ""key of the story"", and indeed he was : his character arc concluding to a philosophical answer to his existencial angst that brings forward the key statement of the story : the world is cruel but beautiful.

i felt bad for they way he grew up and when he saw how Grisha actually took care of Eren. i enjoyed his character development

I found him to be quite intriguing. His double cross of both Marley and his people with he euthanasia plan was a treat to read.

I get his motivations, and can sympathize, but genocide is rarely the answer.

I love how Zeke has been having his own character arc since Paths with him making peace with Grisha and seeing how beautiful life can be.

I loved Zeke. Not in season 3 but after reading the manga & reading his backstory my thoughts on him changed. I loved the sarcastic & funny moments with him & Levi.

i'm happy with the development he got, but i'm angry that he was suppossed to be 11/10 smart and he made the dumbest decisions ever. like trusting eren, for example.

I'm just sad Zeke is dead(seriously don't know if he's actually dead) but every time, I would always be reminded of Mike, and how Zeke let him die cruelly by the hands of not only a titan, but three of them.

I'm mad that he did betrayed eren, but im happy he got to choose when he died n how his final moments he liked them.

I'm really really glad he found the meaning of life. after being manipulated all his entire life and knowing that the world was cruel from a young age he decided to go thru with his goals even if it meant nothing in the long term to him (like his plan for paradis) but after his talk with armin his character completely changed for me. Now I understand him more and understand his character. I feel bad for him. mega bad

*sigh* , i have no idea 🙃

A guy that has shady goals but finally realized about the beauty of life which makes him sacrifice himself for the better future and people that fights for it. A good character.

A hillarious guy.

A necessary evil, and really sympathetic but still apart of me is glad he kicked the bucket

A perfect antagonist

a perfectly human and complex character. really loved his contribution to the story.

A pretty great character. One of my favorites.

A really well written character in my opinion

A solid character

A tragic character. A guy who never experienced love and ended up feeling "death is his only salvation."

A tragic story, great leader, never got too attached to him though

A very lovable monke, keep thotting it up in PATHS king

He was a badass man  who sacrifies his live for the  good of humanity

He was a character that never experienced parental love thus he wasn't able to cherish the little moments and understand the meaning of life. I have positive thoughts about him, because I am thinking what his character would be If he had a normal life as a kid

He was a good and tragic victim who became a victimizer in his pain

He was a good boi. Savage, cold and calculating, yes. But in my heart, he was a good boi who stayed loyal to his goals untill the end. I'll miss you zeke.

he was a good character while it lasted, i’m not happy nor sad that he’s dead now, but he was very well written

He was a good character. Still don't like him though

He was a good mysterious character that kept me on edge whenever he was on screen. Didnt know whether to trust him or not and I liked that.

He was a great character and I wish we could’ve seen more of him.

He was a great character overall he had a great character development in my opinion as he sided with the scouts. I'll miss him ofc but I'm glad that he got to choose when to die.

he was a great character, helped the story go amazing

A wHoLe AsS MoNkE

He was a major factor in the story without zeke we wouldn’t be where we are now I personally loved his character he was someone that was prepared to die for his beliefs which I can respect although can’t forgive him for killing all they scouts

He was a misunderstood character and by the end more people hopefully got it.(like I did) But he is now dead monke

He was a really entertaining character and I'm going to miss him.

He was a really good character who in my opinion, got great development till his last moments. Specially liked how Levi was so desperate to kill him as the monster who murdered almost all of the SC including Erwin, but he ended up killing just a man.

He was a really good character, he was only manipulated by Marh and his father (bc he wanted his affection)

he was really interesting- his motives especially. i really enjoyed his perspective of growing up in marley and turning his parents in as traitors, his compassion towards eren, his change of heart in the end. stan zeke.

He was set up to be 100IQ genus but was a self-loathing sad boy the whole time.

he was such a smart character i really enjoyed him , he was one of my favorites and will be really sad to see him die but i’m glad that he got to choose how he died

He was the best monke.

He was the bridge between Eren and Grisha. He was dealt a series bad hands :(

He was the perfect foil to Eren’s character ever since we met him.

He was truly important in each Eren, a bit Levi and the story developments.

He was very well written I feel like he deserved better

He was wonderful character, most one I connected with him in all his journey

He went from a mysterious interesting character in s2 to a character that I hated in s3 for what he done. But now in s4 onwards hes become one of my favourite characters second to eren

He's a very sad character, having grown up with so much suppression and suffering, and to believe he and his race are better off dead, which then leads him to become so determined to exact a bleak plan so his race wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I'm glad armin helped him see there's more to life in his final moments :)

He's a very smart boi but we never got to see his ass-wiping technique. Was this chapter the ass-wiping technique?

He's an amazing character.

He's an asshole, but he's funny. A funny asshole.

He's an extremely interesting character. Filled with intricacies and complexities, I think he fulfills the role he's been given perfectly. In my opinion, his arc came to a nice end and throughout the entirety of it, he remained consistent which I can appreciate.

He's been a victim of the world

He's been an interesting character all along. He should have had a bigger role at the end though.

He's confusing as a character. I feel bad for everything he went through but I'm still not a fan of him

He's funny when he plays with his sand idk😭

He's grown quite a lot as a character

He's just tried he's best t save the world tho. I'm sad for him but i think it the best end for him because he sacrificed so much. Just let him rest in peace

He's monke

He's my favorite character since the Marley arc. I found him really interesting and intriguing with all his Zekerets.

He's my favourite character

He's not really a bad guy when you see his past.

He's one of the best characters, also appreciate the recurring abs fanservice.

He's one of the best villains, if not the best villain, in the series, partially because he feels like such a genuine person outside of his horrible plan and how he can be such a lovable goofball.

He's one of the most interesting characters of SNK. Even tho I still don't like him –sorry, Erwin's dead still hurts:(– I think he was an essential figure for Eren's (& SNK's plot) evolution. A really complex man who finally found peace at the end of his life.

He's quite unlikeable at the start but as time goes by I can finally see some clue about his intention

He's so hot holy shit

He's the best brother Isayama could have written for Eren

He’s a bad dude but he’s hot

He’s a great parallel to Eren

he’s always been an insanely cool character. i dislike how nonchalant he was about ragako but i understand why he acted that way.

He’s an important key to the story and without him it wouldn’t have been the same. i didn’t agree with his plan but i understood it, same as eren.

He’s been a great charismatic character that although he caused my fav Erwin death I couldn’t hate him.

He’s been manipulated like all of them, but in the end, he’s not as shitty as Eren.

HIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT WAS WILD!!!!!!!!! Isayama did an amazing job on delivering him a good end. I’m glad that I got to fully understand his character and know what pushed him to do the things he did and wanted to do. 10/10 character

His character is amazing; i rly liked him and i’m glad he found his peace in the end

His character was great and his plan made more sense

his titan makes me uncomfy but he has good character development, overall i don’t mind him :)

Honestly very complicated and I don’t feel like writing an essay here, but I very strongly disagree with his ideology but I understand his view point and my respect for him has grown a lot through the series to the point where I was even sad to see him go, all in all an amazingly written character. But he also killed Levi’s husband so get wrecked lol

Honestly? It looks like he was better when he was younger, he was way more scary than now. Now he just looks pathetic.

How should I write it.. He was a great brother, I love him. He loves Eren so much, that's why he chooses to die.

I always hated him and still do for all the things he did, but regardless of that I think he's an amazing character.

I always knew he was gonna die.

i always thought his way of thinking was different from others and thats why i enjoyed his chatacter a lot

I don't like him. Yes, he is a well-written character, but I can't like him because of how much harm he has done to levi. levi lost a lot of his own subordinates and friends because of that monkey.

i dont get why he didn't kill himself before and armin had to be there to state the obvious

i dont like him when he betrayed the scouts but now i understand him but i dont really like him. He deserve better when hes child and thats the cause hes doing this thing. So i guess im both okay and not okay with him

He's had an arc

he's just a brainwashed boy just like others at marley . since kid, he did not have the feels of love by his parents and he just seeing mr.ksaver as his only 'father figure' and this makes me sad like how could grisha did thus to him ?! ik grisha really obssess with eldian thingy that time but ignored your child is a big no no ❤ but for now his character have been improved a lot and makes me change my pov thru him so yeah ...

He's just like every other character in SnK: War Criminal with a backstory. What he went through as a child and a teenager creates a soft spot for him; but doesn't justify his killings and the euthanasia plan. I would have liked him to go down in a more grandiose kinda way (seeing his brain games, him just giving up on his life kinda felt lame). Overall, a great character from analytical pov.

Man vanished for the entire final arc to get one chat and Armin and kill himself. Isayama mismanaged him horribly.

maybe if he was shown love, he would've been a decent person.

I liked Zeke's detached approach on humanity, as I completely relate with his philosophy during the conversation with Armin. Even though at first I was repulsed by his sociopathic tendencies (rip Mike) his character definitely stood out. Everything about him felt rational and original, and I still believe his plan was the most logical one. Great character.

I like Zeke, he was represented as a villain but like all the characters, he's the hero of his own story. He was strong, smart, and tried to stop massive killings. I loved his relationship with Levi too (even though he almost killed him) and I loved Levi's expression when he finally killed him. I expected him to die fighting, but I like how he went down.

I liked him as a villain, but I would have much preferred his Joker-esque "watch the whole world burn" instead of yet ANOTHER misunderstood weeaboo

I really liked him and he was my second favorite character after Eren. I think he was very realisticaly written.

I really liked him as a character. He had a really good character arc not only in regard to his background, and his last moments in the physical world was absolutely stunning!!

I really liked his character towards the end, I’m glad he stepped up and helped call the past titan shifters.

I've got mixed feelings towards Zeke. I really hated him at first for the way he killed Mike - which was absolutely horrible. Then for the scouts and Erwin. But in the end we learn that it's like for anybody else: he did things because he had to. I don't hate him anymore, but I still don't love him either. He's written well, but I feel like he could've been written even more better, which is a bit sad. But he still had a great development. Lastly, the only thing left I have to say is : ✨hot monkey✨

love or hate him, zeke added an incredible dynamic to the story and the exploration of his character as well as his back and forth with others was consistently engaging. didn't think i'd say it but i'm gonna miss him

My thoughts are neutral. I think he had no choice in his life- he too was enslaved. Although, it would have been better to see more of his relationship with Tom Ksaver. That seems to be who he really is, and who he really believes himself to be.

One of the worst childhoods in AoT. I could never blame him for what he did with his life afterwards. I still wish he'd get a happier ending.

One, if not the best character in AOT. He’s such a complex, pragmatic character - I’ve loved him since his first appearance. I just wish his ending hadn’t been so anticlimactic... he deserved better.

Pretty good character but his way of chopping eldians dicks off so they don't have children to save the world was less ridiculous then what eren is doing. Eren says Zekes plan is messed up and then goes on to commit genocide like bruh 😒. But whatever atleast the rumbling stopped.

Well I don't like the guy, never did nor did I care about his sob backstory but at least in the end he came to terms with the shit he had done and accepted his dead.

Well rounded arc. Really interesting character. The idea to have the two yeager brothers have such conflicting ways to bring peace is really interesting

Zeke >>>>>>>> Eren.

Zeke abs

Zeke character is seriously much more deeper than we think he is. Not trying to write an essay here, I'll just say that Armin, Eren, Levi, etc have suffered with the loss of their loved ones. Zeke never even had the chance to be loved.

Zeke character was tragic. He just wanted to live a normal life. At the end, he gave up on his dreams and died, just like Erwin.

Zeke could’ve been one of the best characters in the manga if he had more time to shine it felt like he was either the mysterious villain or a pawn in someone else’s game zeke should’ve had way more of an impact on the story and been less of a plot device

ZEKE DESERVED BETTER

Zeke does his job. He a antagonist to our characters. He a well written character. I still will dislike him for the horrible stuff he did. But he got a good end.

Zeke GOAT. I'd personally adopt him so we could be best friends.

Zeke had a good story. One of the best character in AOT

Zeke had a much more humane plan than eren, he lived his whole life being exploited and used and didn’t truly find the beauty in the simplicity of it all until the end, very sad.

Zeke had a pretty decent character development

Zeke went from a 5d chess 200 iq keikaku master to a meme monke and I loved every second of it.

Zeke had a rare, but perfect mix of being intimidating, goofy and pathetic that made him a complete character.  I've been angry at him, laughed at him, and enjoyed everyone moment he was onscreen, whether it him killing others, getting curbstomped by Levi, or his bantering.

  WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT SEEING THE FIRST PAGES, DETAILING LIFE ON EARTH? 2,127 Responses

46.6% were excited to see real creatures of evolutionary history as part of titan lore, while 29.1% were glad to finally see the origins of that mysterious many-legged menace responsible for the world’s troubles. 12.1% aren’t totally sold on the exposition, and 6.2% would’ve preferred the origin story remain more vague. Meanwhile, 6% know who are*really* the masterminds behind it all. *taps head*

HALLUCIGENIA! Who would have thought that the main culprit of everything was just an evolved cambrian worm. Very nice.

This, in my opinion, was the best chapter of ALL the manga so far. My favourite part was the beginning resembling evolution of the real world. Simply amazing.

the "Life" part is confusing. Actually, i want that "Life" things took big part in Titan History, like controlling human, made human (Eldian) become one race for environmental reason, or something, and that "Life" thing has mind, like it could communicate with people....

Is it a coincidence that this chapter released while I was studying the Cambrian Explosion for my college biology class?

  DOES YMIR NOW SIDE WITH THE ALLIANCE? 2,161 Responses

46.3% don’t want to make any more assumptions about Ymir, they just want information first! 36% believe Ymir’s not on anyone’s side and is seeing how things unfold. 12.2% maintain that she’s sticking with Eren, and 5.5% think the alliance has won her over.

Ymir basically tried to make her own version of Instrumentality. I do think we need more elaboration on her perspective so her changing her mind is emphasised. I've been theorising she will betray Eren at some point, but with the lack of POV both on her and Eren's part, it does seem questionable.

I feel like she just didn’t want to be alone anymore. and because she’s the founder she wanted a connection between her and her subjects or her people. it’s understandable why she would help eren with trying to achieve his goal but it also makes sense for her to help the alliance stop eren because she is now free.

  WHAT DID YOU THINK OF PATHS BEING THE RESULT OF YMIR’S DESIRE FOR SAFETY AND CONNECTION? 2,106 Responses

Again, a plurality of 43.9% want to wait for more information from Ymir’s perspective before deciding how they feel about her. 33.6% think the explanation in this chapter made sense and made her more believable in her motives. 15.1% somewhat grudgingly accept that for the role Ymir plays, this’ll do. However, 5% just don’t like it or just don’t think it makes sense.

i have no idea if it makes sense plot-wise but since one of the primary human needs is connection it's believable and touching

I'm surprised because I believed that was the empty, lonely world  created by her subconscious mind or desire for serving the king. Now it looks like it is the world where she feels safe and is waiting for someone to give her what she desires.

Despite the lack of exact origin, this make sense, specially if we see other science fiction war-politic drama, as the first Gundam Series, or Foundation.

Explaining the origin of the spine creature was necessary imo, but I think the origins of the Paths should have been left vague. This explanation is a little weak.

It's sad yet kinda sweet at the same time.

I like this. Ymir best girl

I still don't understand how that shit works

I still wouldv liked it to be the transcendental plane of existence, governed by the source of all life.

I think Paths existed before Ymir, right?

Paths became pretty stupid after Ymir was introduced.

I think she fled, got parasite'd, and that....thing has been in control of the Titans ever since, trapping the mind of a little girl in Paths for 2000 years.  Finally, someone with the Founder was able to contact her and say "You can do whatever you want!" so she just...let him have power, so she could roam freely for a bit.

I thought that we were going to get a different explanation, since PATHS is something supernatural but if Isayama wants that then Im ok with it, remember we are in a story with 16 meters giants, dont expect science explanations here lol

I understand the phrase, but I fail to see why her character turned this way given the hardships she suffered. Indeed, why did she keep obeying King Fritz instead of giving him a lesson?

I want to know why and how it spread to all Eldians instead of just shifters.

It makes sense to me, and it's a good explanation, but I have a feeling that there may be more to it.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but she was stuck for so long, that it’s initial purpose has lost meaning.

It would need a lot more explanation. How does the (still-unexplained) tree spine give her the capability to form an alternate supernatural dimension? And why would THIS be the way to form those connections, rather than, say, NOT forming massive monsters to kill people on earth? How does wandering around an endless desert alone forming weapons of mass destruction for thousands of years feel safe and connected? It's flimsy.

it's a cheap excuse as to why paths ex machina exists.

It’s a good explanation, it highlights the tragedy of her story even more

It’s honestly very sad. She is such a lonely character and the fact that she made a place where she could feel connected to others is very heartbreaking. She’s just wanted to feel loved :(

Kinda stupid. Titans are fucking weird creatures anyways and trying to explain them beyond the concept of "magic" and paths ruins it for me.

Makes sense, even Eren has stated that she has been desiring for company and understanding, meaning that she couldn't completly achieve it with the creation of paths

No, Ymir is trapped in paths due to being devoured while controlling the spine creature. Because she was eaten by humans (not turned into titans) she was stuck in the world of paths and to end titans she needs to be freed from that world.

omg i never rlly got that (i was super confused) until after i read this question- cool tho how her desire for that is so great she created a whole ass metaphysical plane wtfff

Paths didn't need to be explained but it's nice that it's connected to Ymir's desires

PATHS is pinnacle Strand-type game.

She choose to be alone in that realm, and she chose to obey the king's will. I can't feel bad for her as much as I did before

Super weird. Seemed like Ymir just kinda appeared in Paths in 122. So it existed before her right?

That definitely explains why Armin was still able to see everything that was going on in the living world. It was especially interesting to learn that all titan shifters never fully die, rather their consciousness is transferred to Paths where they remain in a seemingly dream-like state but can still be awakened to an extent, as we saw Zeke do. I still would like to see Paths destroyed in the end, though, otherwise they'll be stuck there forever and never be able to move on.

The plot with Ymir was just absolutely awful.

There are still way too many questions about her but i'm not interested in it

Though Ymir remains quite an obscure character, I've always been a fan of childhood trauma and how this affects the world they are living in, especially in a fantasy setted world. It adds an interesting level of humanity to the story.

Ymir was surprised when she entered paths in 122. She didn't expect but from what we've seen from 122, we can say that "escaping to a world free of even death" holds the most meaning. I never saw it as her desire for safety, Connection of course is existent though.

she's become a very compelling character and her ideologies are more pronounced, and I really do like how it connects to titan powers and paths. however we still need more explanations on her.

She's the incarnation of a very human feeling, no need to wonder why she became a godess

I just want to hear from her! Everyone else is telling her story and speaking for her, and I really want a moment at the end here for her to lay things out

  ARMIN SHARES A FEW MEMORIES THAT MADE LIFE WORTH LIVING, WHICH WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 2,091 Responses

Armin shared some of his sweetest memories with Zeke this chapter. 74.9% most loved the memory of him running with his two dearest friends as leaves fell. 11.8% chose the memory of walking around a marketplace with friends. 6.8% chose the memory of feeding a squirrel at training camp, and 6.5% chose the memory of reading a book on a rainy day. They were all lovely though, weren’t they?

Not afraid to admit that I teared up seeing the panel of EMA running to the tree!

I love the message in this chapter because to me this is the message of AoT in general; life is worth living because of the small, precious memories we make. It's not about a great sense of purpose; just being alive makes someone a valuable human. If this is the final message of Isayama to his fans, I gladly take it.

  WAS ZEKE'S CHANGE OF HEART BELIEVABLE? 2,104 Responses

Grisha once said that Zeke would save his people, and it seems he has fulfilled this role with Armin’s encouragement. Although not without a good dash of nihilism first. 61.4% thought his decision to help Armin was perfectly in character; he just needed to be reminded of his few good memories as motivation. 19.2% did think it was a drastic change on his part, but his changed views were just a part of his character development. 15.9% did not appreciate what seemed like the dreaded Talk no Jutsu in full force.

I honestly loved Zeke’s change. Despite Ymir and Eren Zeke was still the key to this and I liked how it never changed.

It was already foreshadowed but Isayama should had set this up a few chapters ago because the execution makes it seem like Armin just told him “life gud” and he was like “oh shit u right” and then went to die

It was believable enough. Plus, I like that he still mentioned to Xaver that he still believed the euthanasia-plan was the way to go.

It was good thematically but it needed more time and more build up in the execution

It was kind of strange in my opinion but he was tasked by Grisha to stop Eren so what choices did he really have?

He doesn't have a change of heart, he just has a change of action. same motivation and beliefs, just different action he takes.

He had a lot of time to think in Paths, so yeah.

after all those fandom debates about armin using talk no jutsu on eren, we instead saw armin use it on zeke instead (so my answer is both yay, character development!! and nay, a part of me believes ONE pep talk can't COMPLETELY change a person)

As abrupt as the change was I think I do prefer this, rather than him not getting any 'better' and eventually dying without realizing the amount of trouble and hurt his actions caused.

It would be believable if we saw how the PATHS trip with Grisha and Eren affected him, but bad pacing happened

believable, shouldve had its own chapter though

don't know what to think about it

Not at all. I think if he paused and wondered on his own it would've been better. Instead it was made to wank Armin and make yet another determined adult look incompetent.

Rational me: Well at least Monke got to go out with a smile. 2013-16!me: Eren should've been giving the pep talks...I thought he was gonna be the protagonist....wahhh (cue baby crying)

Seems acceptable, just glad he’s gone

eh. it was somewhat believable. he didnt have any reason to continue existing

Happened way too quickly.

I don't know, but here's my opinion. I'd say Zeke finally open his eyes to the truth, and now he wished to do as much as he can to stop Eren before his time comes. I believe that's the reason he exposed himself to Levi, and why he chose to die after calling every titan shifters to help aid Eren's friends stop Eren. Does it make sense?

I dont get how armin convinced him more easily than eren did when theyre the ones with essentially the same endgoal

i love the idea of zeke becoming a "optimistic nihilist" but didn't at all like how rushed it was executed.

I mean, it sure could've been explored more, but we have to take into account that Zeke had been in paths for a long time (maybe for what it felt like millions of years) and by that point he felt hopeless; his dream was no longer going to become a reality, he couldn't change anything and was trapped there forever, then Armin came and gave him a different perspective, he listened and found something of value in it while at the same time not completly discarding Xaver's ideology. I like it!

I mean... it was kind of a change of heart? But he still believed that his euthanasia plan was the way to go (I dislike Ksaver for that very reason; he projected his own self loathing onto Zeke which led to him believing that life isn't precious and just inherently cruel)

I think Armin and him talked for yrs in paths but it only translated to minutes irl

I think it was either rushed to the point where Zeke-once the brainer monke-did a full 180 to give up on himself. I mean yes, character development or whatever, I think it should have been given more time to happen. He just gave up and died kinda feels off-setting considering his cunning/witty character.

I think that he just stopped caring about everything and did what Armin asked him to do.

I enjoyed armin and zeke’s conversation, and think the outcome made sense.

I was against that plot at first. But after reading different opinions, I guess he became hopeless due to his time in the paths. So the nihilist speech wasn't exactly his way of thinking. Otherwise why would he run around for making his euthanization dream come true if he was that hopeless of life. So I think his change of mind was acceptable

It did feel drastic in the moment, but I think if I were to read through the chapters more consecutively, it might make more sense to me

It doesn't make sense that someone as motivated as Zeke would sit passive the whole Rumbling. If he could have done anything to stop Eren, he would have done it before half the world was Rumbled.

Zeke wanted to eugenicize his race. Except Armin said 'look at this leaf, I like living' and he said 'yes you're right life is worth living. I will die for humanity now'. People will joke about this for years to come when they explain attack on titan to their friends.

"The greatest teacher, failure is." - A wise old ghost frog.

This change is fine in principle. It's change from his idea of euthanasia and "better not be born" toward "eventhough life is suffering too, it's worth living". But it was rushed, it would have been more believable if the idea germinated in his mind. So between the Yes and No answer.

What change of heart, he was reminded from what he found happiness in life which he was enjoying subconscioulsy before aka playing catch. An activity he started enjoying as a kid. It was a game, something kids enjoy not a heavy burden of "saving everyone" as Grisha implanted onto him.

yes because before talking to armin, he must have been so lonly in paths for such a long time, after such isolation even one talk can influence a person a lot

Zeke had this change coming - it was built up throughout the Paths chapters. The primary boogeyman figure of his life turned out to be a good man, and he apologised, turning his entire worldview upside down (not counting the whole "Stand, dad" thing) He had an eternity in Paths to process the events of ch120-122 (and maybe his entire life before that) multiple times over. Armin found him at his most vulnerable, betrayed and alone once more. Their debate back and forth, all done with mutual respect, was amazingly written. Armin showed him the way, gave him that one final nudge he needed in the right direction. It's perfectly believable, and fitting.

  IF YOU WERE IN PATHS, WHAT WOULD ARMIN’S LEAF LOOK LIKE TO YOU? 1,124 Responses

Because we love and appreciate every single one of you, this list IS going to be absurdly long. <3

♡ Levi just him.

🦧

20 inch bad dragon dildo

A baseball ⚾️

A basketball

A bed

A berry

A better chapter 137

A better final arc.

A Bible

A black hole

A blanket (don't judge me)

A blue gel pen, maybe? Or a book?

a blue pouch

a book

A book from my ninth grade year

A book I have that's full of messages from friends

A book maybe since I spend most of my times reading books with my beloved one and friends

A book probably

A book? Handphone? Idk

a bottle of black nail polish

a box of spicy chicken nuggets from mcdonalds

a bracelet

A brush

a butterfly

A cake

A camera

A candle

A card from my girlfriend

Cassette-Tape

A cat

A cd

A CD case of cellist yo yo ma

a cellphone ig xjwkxnekdkd jk a book

A cherry blossom / cherry blossom leaf

A chessboard I guess

A childhood toy

a cigarette shared between friends

A cinema ticket

A clarinet

a coffee mug

a coin

A comic book

A computer probably

a concert ticket

A cross

A cross necklace my grandma gifted me when i was like 16 (she died when i was 18 💔)

A crucifix

A crystal

A cup

A cup of coffee

A cup of coffee in a cute mug

A cupcake

A deck of cards

a dick

A dildo

A dildo (joking) a piece of cake

A dinosaur toy.

A doll

a duck

A feather.

A feather..the pretty one..could be bird's feather..

A fish

A fishing rod.

A football balloon

A fountain pen i received when i was younger.

A framed picture of EMA laughing together

A freakin’ leaf, I’m don’t have horrible mental issues like AOT characters.

A friend/family member.

a fucking leaf

A game controller.

A gameboy advance or some curry lol

A girlfriend, because i'm lonely :(

a glass 'potion' bottle

A glove

a gold necklace i got from my parents when i was little

A Good Ending

A good manga series

A good SnK manga chapter

a guitar for sure

A guitar pick

A hair band (symbolizes self development)

A handwritten message from my mother

A harmonica

a hat

A hat I made for a friend

A heart.

a Hot Wheel car

A Jewel

A joint

A joystick

a key

a kpop lightstick idk

A laptop with anime on it probably💀oh or all if my maladaptive daydreaming story notes

a leaf

A leaf as well.

A Leaf because it's a Fucking Leaf

A Lego brick

A Lego figure

A Levi nendoroid

A life

A lightsaber

a little crystal bear

a little red bean

A little rock that I've polished myself with another rock

A little treasure box

A magic the gathering card.

a manette

A Manga (maybe AoT or TG)

a manga panel

A mechanical pencil

A memory

A mobile phone

A mouse

a mouse and keyboard

a movie from blockbuster

A movie ticket

a mushroom

A music Album

A Music player

A necklace

a necklace from an ex

A necklace that my father gave me but it broke

A new Sombra skin (casual). Give her something already!

A Nintendo DS

a noose

a notebook

A notebook filled with my goals and dreams.

a nugget

A paint brush

A pair of googles from my childhood.

A peach

A pen

A pen or quill.

A pen perhaps

A pencil

A perfectly orange looking leaf. Showing that the seasons still go by even after all that misery.

A phone

a photo album

A photo of me and my friends that I keep

a photo of me and my grandpa

A photo shoot, of me and a few my classmates

A photograph of my loved ones

A picture of Hitch's boobs 😔

A picture of me, smiling

A picture of my family

A picture of my friends

a piece of SnK merch or a slice of pizza lmao

a pill

A pinecone

a ping pong racket

A pizza

A Playstation controller

A plush I still have with me since day one. It has gone through a lot with me.

a pokeball

A Pokémon card lol

A Pokemon emerald rom

A Polaroid of me and my friends!

A possible symbol for the final chapter idk tbh

A postcard I got my from my best friend

a potato

a printed photo

A ps4 controller

A PS5

A quill

A reminder of how my life goes ups and downs but still stands up to fight.

A reminder of life and how it can flourish in the most unexpected of places

A Requiem ending

a ring

A rock

A running shoe

A Santa Hat

A screen honestly

a seashell

A sewing kit

a shot of gold tequila with cinnamon sugar and an orange slice. best night of my life.

A slice of pizza bro.

a small feather

A small stuffed toy, a gift from my grandfather when i was 4 years old, not long before he passed

A snk volume with actually good chapters in it.

A soccer ball

A soccer ball.

A spider man figure

A stone with a hole.

A stuffed animal from my childhood maybe, there’s one that still sits somewhere and is a reminder of those peaceful moments of childhood.

A stuffed animal.

A symbol of innocence and life

A table tennis bat

a teacup

a teddy

A thing who link me to my mom or my brothers

a token. A palm sized blue token with W.S engraved on it in white

A toy

A toy bear dhiq

A toy mouse

A toy plane.

a vape

A volume from this manga lmao

A volume of one piece

a wax pen

A whole bed.

A Wii Remote

A wrestling ring or a brush for paint

A xbox 360 controller..

Actually my answer is really dumb but it will surely look like my picture with my friends at a school camp in forest.

African barbecue chicken

Alcohol 👌🏿

Also a leaf because nature holds my best memories.

an actual decent ending for the series, which this isn't

An AoT manga

an apple

An Attack on titan manga, the 26 volume:(

An attack on titan volume

An autumn leaf maybe

An ice cream

An iced coffee

an old axe

An old Bionicle canister: 8536 - Kopaka. It just feels right, y'know?

An onahole

An orange

An snk volume

Anime-original ending for Season 4 part 2

Annie

annies character development before she became uwu waifu

AnR Ending.

Any of my son's toys. He's 2 yrs old. I'm crying right now...

Any small animal representing life

AOT Chapter 137🤣🤣🤣🤣

Aot manga

AoT volume 30

Apple

Armin thinks of it as falling leaves when he and his friends go to a tree

Armin would BE my “leaf”. Tbh, he gave me the strength and love to keep loving. He’s my happy memories.

armin’s leaf to me would look very green, very healthy and full of life.

Armin's corpse

Attack on Titan chapter 139

Attack on Titan's manga books.

Backyard

bald james charles

ball

balloon

Banana

banana for monke

barbie

Baritone Horn

baseball

Basement key tbh, y'all remember back in 2013 when the biggest mystery was "what was in the basement?" then it was revealed in the manga in 2016? Good ol' times when spoilers weren't everywhere 🙄

BASKETBALL

Bed

Bertholdt's redacted

Big fookin anime tiddies

Bill.

Blunt

Bohrok Kohrok

boobs

Books

bottle cap

Brass Ring

brick

Brooch

Brown and like at the beginning of fall

BTS's album

Bunny

Calisthenics ring

Camera

Can't decide

candle

Candy

Cap

Cards

Cat fur because I love my babies ❤

Cat whishker

chalk

chapter 100

Chapter 140

chapters 138 and 139

cheese slice

Chess

Chicken

chicken nugget

Chipotle

Chocy milk

Cicada

Clay

Cocaine

Cock and ball torture from Wikipedia the free encyclopaedia

coffee

Coffee mug

Coming home after school and enjoying the weekend playing football and meeting friends

Complete collection of snk volumes

Computer

condom ??

cooking with my mother, playing basketball with my brothers and sitting with my friends

Cricket ball

Damn, that's a really good question...honestly I don't know.

damn... idk

dog collar

Dont know

doughnut

Doujinshi

dreams, nostalgia, memories

Drugs

Dumbbell

Eh, probably my cat? Or the picture of people I love.

either a book or a phone

either a controller or my gf

Either a football or video game controller

Eren jaeger 😳

Eren or other

eren's abs

eren's schl-

Eren🤤🤤🤤

Erens dick

Erwin

Erwin's arm

Erwin's dick.

Erwin's right arm or levi's right eye

Erwin's smile

Everyone outside the Walls rumbled

exactly the same

Fair

family

Family Picture

Fern frond

First of all, great question :) probably a mini chalkboard with a little calculus equation on it from when I first got into mathematics

Fleshlight

floch

Flower

Food

Football

Football (soccer) ball

Freedom

From episode 1 2000 years ago!?

From the beginning the trees leaf

Fuck Armin

fuck this shit doing here

GABI'S GRUESOME DEATH

Gameboy

GameCube

GameCube controller

Gay porn

GME stonks

golf ball

Green

Green and alive.

Group picture with loved ones

Guitar

Guitar Pick

gun

GURL? I WILL NOT LOOK AT THE LEAF I WILL ONLY LOOK AT ARMIN! SORRY ANNIE!! >_<

Half Life 3

Halo (game)

hamborgar

hamburguer

hange

Harry potter novel

Historia

Historia not being a breeder

historia's soft breasts

Hmm i don't really know

hmmm, maybe a coin

hold four lokos

holidays i spent with my family n friends

homemade cooking? it would be all sandy tho

Honestly I don't know

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe the stylus I lost?

Honey bun

Hope

Hot wings

Humanity

I actually have no idea.

I did not expect such a deep question! You guys made me think for like 10min straight and question all my life. I'd say it would be a T-rex toy

i do not have any core memories. i remember nothing important of my childhood. it's all just a blank page

I don't know honestly. So many good memories, that aren't really connected with objects per se. If I could see sunlight in that sand, it would be that.

I don't know. I don't I would have any

I don't know. I don't think you would get a choice on what it would look like to you.

I don't really know I had a lot of good and importants moments in life but what I'm sure of is that it includes my family

I don't want to sit with Armin

I don’t think I’ve encountered it yet

i dont fcking know its a leaf

I dont know because i think i dont have a thing like that. I would imagine it as my previous house that means a lot to me

I had a little piglet figurine in my childhood that was lost.

I have a scructured settlement and I need cash now

I HAVE NI IDEA buuut i will think about it later ... It's a good questio actually

i have no answer for this 😞

i have no fucking clue

I have no happy memories

I have no idea lmao probably a leaf

I have no idea too much to think about.

i have so many in mind, idk what to choose.

I have to think about it that's a real good question.

I honestly don't even know. I'm probably just like Zeke who is yet to know the real value of living hehe

I need more context.

I still dont know what motivates me the most

I think it will be my favorite books

I think it would be my medals

I think it would look like a rock that I found on the beach.

I think it would look like an origami butterfly made from a business card

I think maybe leaf or flower

I think will be a pencil

I thought i had seen the leaf.is this a theory? wait? i don't see a tree on the path.where do the leaves appear? am i left behind?

I wanna know too

i was shocked tbh. the leaf became the sign that verified that there really is a connection between what happened in the past and now in the future — that the founding titan really knows everything that's going on.

I would see a specific type of pen that has the same name as my best friend

I'm not sure if I have something I'm deeply connected to.

I’m not sure

Ice cream

iced chocolate

Idk :(

idk but it does remind of the tree from the notebook ova

idk lol

idk my phone or sumin

Idk, I have many things that i love, but no clue what's the most important

Idk, i'd have to be there and be reminded

Idk, maybe hope?

Idk, maybe my cat. She's the best.

idk, something related to cartoons

Idk.....BTS album? They’re the reason my life become much brighter

In my eyes, I would have seen a music box.

Interestingly enough, also a baseball

Ironically enough, probably a baseball like Zeke

Is this really important?

Isayama-san UwU

It could be anything to me.

It could be metaphorical by contrasting the real world vs the afterlife, the past and the present, what is gone and what is still here.

It has to be something connected to an important memory of your life, not just an object that you wish you had, right? I think whatever the true answer is would be impossible for me to realise myself just by thinking. It seems like one of those things that you would only realise when it's right in front of you, then it all makes sense.

it remids him of mikasa and eren, when three of them running under the three

It would be a basketball

it would be a pencil

It would be green

it would look like a book

it would look like a dress

It would look like an autobiography book.

It would look like my bracelet I got from my best friend

It would look like Pine Tree

It would look like this chapter, but animated.

It would probably be a Lego set or smth

It would probably be the discord logo lol

it would probably look like this one follower my grandmother would always have in her garden

It's gonna be a long paragraph

It's hard to think about it right now, I would say a stick?

its remind me when they are still happy in the wall

Jean

Just a leaf

just a leaf u know its nothing particular

Just a leaf. but it also shows that freedom to everybody is different; for zeke it was just playing baseball with mr ksaver, and for armin it was running to a tree with eren and mikasa

Just.. leaf

Juul

kassete

Lacrosse ball

Leaf 👁👄👁

Leaf as well

Leaf is fine~

leaf of the tree they ran toward to

leaf?

Legit my cat

Lego brick

Lego star wars the complete saga for the Nintendo wii

letter

levi

Levi Pillow

Levi's plushie

Levi’s butt

Levi’s dumbstruck of an ass- probably a photograph of my closest friends

Levi’s happiness

Life

Life?? Idk

life..ig

Like a comb

Like a leaf

like a stuffed animal

Like Armin

Like goddamn, you think we could get some trees up in here among all this lifeless sand? jfc it's nice to see some greenery. People may suck but it's hard to say nature does

like looking at the past

Listening to music alone in my bed.

lol yikes i have no idea

Looking at a golf ball

Lots of things.

Lube

Man bun Eren

Manga

maybe a book ? idk i don't find anything memorable for now

Maybe a book or sumn.

Maybe a bottle of wine or a beach towel

Maybe a camera? Photo album?

Maybe a Lego brick

maybe a slice of cake, or a flower

Maybe also a leaf...

Maybe AOT manga? IDK lol!

Maybe book or pen

maybe flower

Maybe sad actually I don't understand 😃

meaningful memories

Meat

mf idk i’m dumb asf

Mi pets :(

Microphone

Mikasa

Mikasa body pillow

Mikasa's abs

Mikasa's smile

Mikasa’s ass

mikasas titties

mine probably will look like a paint brush<3

Money

monke

Most likely a pencil

mouse

music lol

Music Sheet

My Books

my bracelet

My cat

My cat or a cup of hot chocolate

My cats

my childhood

my childhood blanket

My childhood stuffed animal Rudi

my computer mouse

My crappy journal

my crush

My diary

My dog

My dog who died years ago, i loved him.

my dog who passed away

My dog's collar

My dog's leash I guess.

My favorite book

my friend's doodle

my friends.

My glasses or a bar of chocolate

My glasses, maybe.

My Grandma's crepes. ♥

My Grandpa (now I regret being too young to know more about his past)

My hard drive

My hedgehog

My iPod touch.

My kindergarten school

my laptop lol my best memory is blasting songs and pass the night without worrying about anything

My late grandma's glasses

my microphone

My mobile phone

my mom's ring

My mom’s cookies

My motorcycle

My notebooks

My old dog

my own damn tears

My paintbrush

My pc

My phone

My phone :)

My phone kek

My phone lol

my phone probably

My phone, with Reddit open, on r/Titanfolk, reading memes and whatever YakiBacki has made recently.

My phone???

My phone. I have a social media addiction.

My plush horse

My poems

My rabbit(s).

My seal plushie

My smartphone

My stuffed animal

My stuffed bunny from childhood😂

My switch

my teddy or some kind of gift offered by my family/friends

My trumpet. I have so many happy memories from marching band, playing with my friends every summer afternoon. I grew and learn so much through playing the trumpet. I gained so many friends and was so happy during the time I was in marching band. It was like my second home. I would give anything to go back to those happy times.

My tv remote

My unfinished new Survey Corps armor...

My wedding ring

My winnie the pooh doll lol.I loved it soooo much when I was a kid

Nami from One Piece

Nerf Guns lol

ngl it would look like a pawn or some random chess piece for me

nice try, dumbledore

nintendo switch

No comment

no I...

No I'm not ready for psychoanalysis at this moment

No idea, a locket probably

no idea, fuck Paths

Not sure honestly

Not sure. Because i havent found the purpose of my life.

Not sure. Is that bad?

Nothing in particular

Nothing to think about

Noting but vibez

obviously a volume of attack on titan

Oh gosh....this is so deep. I don’t know! Maybe a pencil?

oh man i don’t even know

One Piece volume

Orchids

Pain

Paint brush

Pandemic crisis is over

Pen

pencil

Perhaps a ballpen I used. I don't really have anything that reminds me to live in particular.

Perhaps a history book or map

Personally or as a manga reader? As a manga reader, it would be something related to the veterans, who embodied the true spirit of AoT to me

Phone

Phone full of conversations with my old friends.

phone? lol

Photo of my family

photo of my friends or Levi or Erwin 😂😂. Seriously I  haven't thought about meaning of life as deeply as Armin.

Picture of family and friends

Picture of my family and friends

Picture of sunset

pictures

Picutre of me and my parent's

Pie

pie DAHAHAHAHA

Pieck

Pieck's Ass

Pieck's butt

Pieck's Cart Titan AWOOGA

Pitchforks so I can go manifest in front of greedy Kodansha how shitty the writing is.

Pizza

pizza :)

Playing with childhood friends.

plushie from childhood

Pokeball

poop

Potato

Potatoes

pp

Probably a bike

Probably a bird I think

probably a book

probably a box of Girl Scout cookies honestly

Probably a coral, I'm a scuba diver so the ocean is always something that is close to my heart.

Probably a Gamecube controller due to that being my first gaming console I owned/played on.

Probably a gaming mouse lol

Probably a Kanye West album idk

Probably a leaf. His entire philosophy on life is exactly my philosophy on life.

Probably a manga, if anything. Or a Vinyl since I love music.

Probably a pen or paintbrush because I love art

Probably a pencil

Probably a photo

Probably a picture of my best friend

Probably a picture of my family

Probably a picture of someone I lost and cherish.

Probably a pillow.

Probably a small stuffed animal

Probably a Soccer ball

Probably a volume of AoT ffs

probably a wii controller :’)

Probably a wrestling belt or a game controller

probably an ice cream

Probably an old photo of mine

probably attack on titan manga HAHAHA

Probably earbuds!

probably how happy i was back then OMFG yea im lonely now

probably just a leaf. i don’t have anything that special to me that holds any value.

Probably like a lego brick lol.

Probably like the one you see fall 🍂

Probably Mikasa

Probably my dog plushie

Probably my old Nintendo DSi

Probably my phone

Probably one of my cats

Probably one of my childhood lego guys

Probably Pieck, or a pretty gymnastic leotard or even a pretty necklace idk

Probably smarthpone, idk tbh

Probably something important and precious to me. But right now it's probably my phone, but I doubt it exist in Attack On Titan

Probably the pillow (I named it pillow pillow great name i know) that I brought everywhere with me as a child.

probably the same leaf

ps1 controller

Ps2

PS2 controller

Pussy

Quotations from Chairman Mao Zedong

Re zero all arcs

Re:Zero

Reading new chapters of Attack on Titan every month

Regrets lmao

Reiner

Reiner's ass

Reiner's booty

reiner’s titties

Remembers

revival

Rose pin

roses

Running shoes

s4 by wit

Sand of the beach I used to visit when I was young with my mother and sister

scripture

Sea or a shell

Sea-water

Seriously, a gun.

shackle

Shadis

sheet music

shingeki no kyojin LMAO

Shiranai

shitty symbolism

shoes

Small rabbit statue

Sneakers

SnK manga

SNK manga volumes (lol)

Snk’s ending

Snow

Soccer ball

Some bird species

Some object related to track

Some type of memory. Or resemble a memory??

Something belonging to Erwin

Something from home

something my grandparents had given me! or maybe my mother's necklace

Something that tells you that life is worth living if not for the smallest of moments- I suppose it would be my phone lol.

Something that would symbolize my family.

Spaghetti

starfish

Still not sure yet

Stuffed animal

Sunflower

symbol of life

Symbol of life?

Talarico

Talk No Jutsu

Tea cup

tennis ball

that fucking POMEGRANATE

That life is what we see it to be, zeke wasn't looking for anything so he found nothing there except sand but armin was hopeful so he found whats meaningful for him

That's personal wtf 😂

The admin of aot wiki😳 seriously tho uhm probably a picture of my family or something

The Ao3 front page

The Bible

The first coin I earned myself (like in The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck)

The first volume of a niche little series called Shingeki no Kyojin

The Fucking Levi FIGURE THAT I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR 2 MONTHS

The hope

the HP wand I made from chopstick

the leaf could be the tree Eren, Mikasa and Armin where running from when they were still a kid or the tree Ymir fell into and got the titans power(?)

The leaf to me would look like a ring. My family gives me one every year.

The necklace my mom gave me

The nothingness

The novel I've writing.

The one he had seemed just fine.

The one under the tree, where it all began

The perfect ending, forever trying to live up to your own version it

The scarf

The seashell

The Sony PS5

The spine of Ymir

The tree

The unrevealed Ackerman and Azumabito plot line

The volume 17 manga cover back when things weren't completely terrible

There's still life and hope

This anime/manga bc I’m so attached to it

This caught me off guard. I don't know

This is a very hard question. I think to me it would show dog toys being my dog is the reason I'm still alive

This is probarly really sad but it would be one of the Aot manga books.

This isn't about me, this is about the manga chapter

This manga

This manga. I wouldn't mind being born again... if it meant being able to experience this story for the first time again... So I'll guess I'll thank you, Hajime Isayama.

This question has the same vibe as "what would you see on the mirror if Erised", therefore, I'm not sure

This series

This so hard but probably the ticket from the Twenty One Pilots concert I went to in 2019 (it was my first concert ever and the last one I went to before the pandemic)

This was actually a really nice question ;0;  To me the leaf would look like, there was a day where i drew Gionro it took 8 hours to others it may sound normal but to me I had so much fun drawing and coloring it. Also the first time i got a dog i was so happy for years i really wanted one and later on we ended GETTING ANOTHER dog and even a cat ;0; that was unexpected!!

Tits

To-do list completed

Too me the leaf would look like a soccer ball

Tray

Tulip

uhh, my phone? I don't have much on my life lmao

Um... I don't know to be honest. I mean does this have to be an object ? Can it be something else ?

ur mom

Very colorful, yet simple. I feel like I would be able to tell it’s importance just by the way Armin looks at it.

VHS copy of the 1977 animated Hobbit

vodka

Volleyball

Volume 30 of AoT

vv cool

waifu figure

water

Waterpistol

Weed

Weed pen

Well, damn, I don't know if I have one lol

What

What leaf? That's clearly a kite.

Who knows

Who knows hehe

Who knows lol.

Xbox controller

yam's balls

yo moma

You.

Your mom

youth and innocence

Zeke being alive and well, raised in a loving household

Zeke living

  THERE WERE A LOT OF STEPS TO SAVING ARMIN, WHICH WAS THE BEST PART? 2,058 Responses

There was some much loved teamwork this chapter. 25.9% of respondents enjoyed Mikasa’s relentless pursuit of the Okapi the most, closely followed by 25.7% who were impressed by Gabi’s continuing kill streak. 21.6% were glad to see Armin help to save himself, and 19.9 % were pleased to see Annie break Armin’s fall. Finally, 6.9% of respondents appreciated Connie saving Armin from another round of Okapi tongue action. Though sadly he didn’t get a mention in the comments!

I genuinely really liked the part where Gabi fired a perfect shot, I personally think she isn't as bad as people make her out to be.

Annie catching Armin was 10/10.

it was so cool to see the team work I'd always dreamed it would look like. Also Levi supporting Gabi was so cuute.

  WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE RETURNED SHIFTER MOMENT? 2,044 Responses

While all the returning titans had a moment of action, it was “Bertoldt saving Annie” that was top pic for favorite shifter moment with 40% of the responses. “Porco and Marcel together” was a distant second with 17.3%. “Freckled Ymir saving Reiner” closely followed with 17.1%.

BERTHOLDT IS BACK!!!!! REIBERT REUNION WHEN

Ymir (freckles) is my personal favourite, she could've said one line at least! Same goes for Kruger and Porco. Bringing people back to life is weird, not letting them comment on that is even weirder.

Grisha hit the gym in paths 😳

I genuinely didn't think we were gonna see freckles Ymir again, so that was a very pleasant surprise! I would have also liked for her to have some dialogue, but then again Historia hasn't had any dialogue in the present time either.

  HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SHIFTERS OF THE PAST REGAINING CONTROL OF THEIR TITANS? 2,117 Responses

The passed came back from the past to lend the alliance a hand! Now this moment was a little controversial. 42.5% thought it was awesome seeing our old friends take control of their titans to save their loved ones. 29.9% liked what the scene was going for but thought it needed more setup or foreshadowing. 18.9% were not happy at all to see such a shonen scene in this manga. Hated it, even! Despite the many strong feelings, there was still a group of those (8.7%) who didn’t really have an opinion either way.

I feel considerably less crazy about referring to the rumbling as ""basically Ragnarok"" now that we have dead shifters coming back from Valhalla-paths to fight in the rumblnarok.

While I expected the past shifters to help out the Alliance eventually ever since we saw crying Bertotototo, I thought it was a little rushed and could've used more build-up.

i want more porco and marcel lol

Pieck seeing the Galliard brothers must have been so hard. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. :(

I still don't understand how it is Zeke that brought the titan shifters back since he was busy thinking about his childhood. I kinda didn't like the ressurection ( not exactly ) of the dead titan shifters since it takes away the meaning of death of you are actually able to interact with them.

Kruger, Grisha, and freckles Ymir coming back to help the alliance??? What??? I get the others but not these 3. Either fanservice or something more is happening under the shadows.

This chapter continued to showcase some more of the past Titan Shifters throughout the ages. What was most interesting of the past Titan Shifters that appeared in this chapter to fight the past alliance members was that some of the same Titan Shifters that appeared during Ymir's flashback in Chapter 122 can be seen fighting the Alliance in this chapter.

I thought it was interesting to finally have Freckled Ymir's description of being a mindless titan get touched upon again. She said that it was like a never ending nightmare. All the shifters Ymir and Eren summoned were asleep in that nightmare, until Zeke and Armin were able to wake them up, if only for a brief amount of time. There was a reason we saw Bertolt crying after Armin ate him. And we were only reminded again in Chapter 135 when Armin saw Bertolt crying again. I don't think these shifters gaining some of there consciousness back is an ass pull at all. We were given some bread crumbs to believe that at least dead shifters exist in some way in Paths after death.

  NOW THAT WE HAVE SEEN KSAVER’S TITAN FORM IN ACTION HOW DO YOU RECONCILE HIM SAYING HIS TITAN ISN’T GOOD FOR BATTLE? 2,078 Responses

39.7% thought him saying his titan was useless was just a lie since he wouldn’t be allowed to pursue his interest in science otherwise. 33.6% figured he was telling the truth and his titan didn’t look that useful. 17.4% think that something truly weird like a whale would’ve served that point better (plus, imagine a whale trying to attack the alliance would be hilarious). 9.2% think it’s just an inconsistency (maybe Isayama realised a whale would’ve been *too* funny).

I want MORE OF TOMS GOAT SHEEP BEAST

No I'm not calling him Ksaver, I will die on this hill

  WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVEN’T SEEN MORE SHIFTERS SIDE WITH THE ALLIANCE? 2,046 Responses

The shifter crew that appeared to join the alliance created some confusion among readers. Why, for instance  was Kruger there but not Frieda? Where was Lara Tybur? What was the deciding factor in whether or not a shifter returned for the battle? The most popular in world explanation was that  “Zeke could only awaken those he’d met before” (33.6%). It very  narrowly edged out the more practical reason “It’s so we only see the shifters the audience is familiar with” (32.1%). 16.9% believed the Founding and Warhammer couldn’t be used because those are Eren’s titans. And 14.1% believed the reason specific titans were brought back was ideological - they where the only ones who would side with the alliance.  

I am a bit disappointed that Kruger and Grisha are fighting for the alliance now. It just doesn't really make sense that the people who helped Eren get to this point would help stop him. I'm hoping that this isn't them acting independently and are just being controlled by someone.

Ymir is the one controlling all the titans. Why the fuck is she making them fighting eachother? The titans fighting was silly

With Kruger and Grisha helping the Alliance, at this rate, Carla will come back from the dead and disown Eren.

Eren Krueger would not help the alliance he would work with Eren him and Eren have done the same thing on different scales Krueger to the end was steadfast that he did the right thing

I have been thinking that what if we see Zeke's resurrected (or whatever thing you may call it) titan fighting alongside the Alliance?

  FINGERSTEIN? 2,074 Responses

A majority of 57.9% are ALL ABOARD the Fingerstein cart train. 27% seem a little perplexed at how this crack ship blew up from only a few panels together. Well - there’s your answer! 15.1% do not approve of Fingerstein.

Isayama goated with the Jeanpiku content tbh as he should

pikujean/fingerstein omg i ship but i ship mikajean also lmao dont @ me 😔🤚🏻

i’m so glad i got fingerstein content after my months of work for it

Fingerstein is the logical shipping of the only two characters with brains still alive.

That image of a horse and cart made me choke

Does jean like pieck or still inti mikasa?

Nice ship tease of Fingerstein from Isayama, Jean and Pieck are both good characters and deserve to be happy. ^^

  HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT LEVI FINALLY FULFILLING HIS VOW TO SLAY THE BEAST TITAN? 2,118 Responses

Last month, Levi seemed prepared to give up on his promise to kill the beast titan and we as a fandom were as well. So congratulations to the 32.5% who correctly predicted that Levi might still make the kill on our 136 poll!

A majority at 52.1% were glad to see Levi get to fulfill his vow to slay the Beast Titan. After the many chapters of build up, it’s no wonder. 26.5% were just shocked he actually did it - seriously, how many years have we watched Levi ruminating over monke? 12.1% were disappointed and had wanted Levi to let it go. Don’t worry friends, fanfiction is always there for your Zevi coffee shop AU needs. 9.3% have nothing to say about it.

Where's the 'YAAAAS QUEEN' option for Levi killing Zeke tbh!!

I can’t believe Levi actually did it.

i saw the page where levi finally kills zeke before reading the chapter and I was upset bc major spoiler + it was v visually striking or whatever, so i was v pleasantly surprised that it still managed to take me by surprise. Levi is so savage !

After beheading Zeke, how would you read Levi's expression?

Anyone referring to Levi killing Zeke as "fanservice" is a loser who probably hates Levi for his popularity. Why should everyone else fight for what they want, while he gets nothing?

On Levi killing Zeke, I feel like that's narratively sloppy and only serves as some shitty ass way to make Levi relevant, since there isn't really much to his character anymore. Zeke brought the Titans back to help stop Eren, so technically he's apart of the alliance, right? So why does only he have to pay for his sins, and not anyone else who have committed genocide, partook in war crimes, or perpetuated animosity and hatred towards the Eldians?

Zeke is really dead? :((( I'm sad

I hoped Levi would give up on his revenge, but I liked how Zeke died.

I really liked this chapter but I still feel like something is up with zekie boi. He doesn't feel done yet

Obsessed with how Levi achieved his goal and wasn't even that happy about it. It was so funny to see people treat his vow as this holy grail he would only be happy and at peace if he gained and yet...wow. Doesn't look like the only thing that would make him happy was killing Zeke for Erwin after all huh? Imagine that.

  WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH THE BEAST TITAN POWER NOW THAT ZEKE IS DEAD? 2,052 Responses

A perfect 50% slice of respondents think the Beast Titan is heading straight for Historia’s baby. After all, we haven’t seen any baby inherit any titan in the story; now’s as good a time as any. 37.6% think titan inheritance is done due to the probable end of the curse soon. 5.5% think with Falco being possibly the only titan alive with Zeke’s spinal fluid in him, the titan will be fully inherited by him. And there are many more thoughts on that subject!

Could someone still eat him? How "fresh" does a dead shifter have to be? ???

All this time I was thinking it will randomly go to a newborn eldian baby

back to the founding titan

Eren inherit  the beast titan

floch will be resurrected

Give it to Reiner

Dam. i wanted it to go to levi:))

honestly i don’t know i’m hoping it could be used in case anyone is like about to die yk? but if not i think falco could take it

i am still not sure zeke is dead tho. bet isayama will throw us a curveball like with the serumbowl, when 90% were already attending armin's funeral and then sic! it's erwin who gets the axe

I believe Eren will end the Titan curse and the Titan power will vanish

I believe that the power of the Beast Titan will vanish forever, together with the other titan powers.

i cant answer this, its either historia or falco.

i couldn't say not with Isayams bizzare ideas lmao

I don't think anyone will inherit it before the end of the series, but not necessarily because the curse ends. It's just who gets it will be irrelevant.

I don't think it's going to be important at this point.

I don’t fucking know at this point anymore lol

I dont think it will be adressed

I think zeke may come back, I still don't think he's done yet

im torn between the historia's baby theory where the baby will inherit it or falco will inherit it completely.

Inherited by Historia's baby if Zeke is dead... but that's a big if!

It was already transferred to Falco before Zeke died

It went to a random Eldian baby,  we probably won't get to know who that is by the end of the manga.

It's in a baby in the fort

Might just disappear.

No clue but this is still pretty stupid.

No clue, I just really hope it doesn't go to Historia's baby like a lot of people are theorizing because I'd prefer an ending where she/he is the first child in 2,000 years to be born in a world free of the titan's rule. It just sounds the most fitting to me.

The Beast power is going to pass through paths where Eren and Ymir are at. It's very difficult to predict even though Historia's baby is a nominee for it.

The beast titan will go back to Ymir in paths

The kid is going to transform in  the middle of being delivered, killing Historia in the process.

Since Zeke was fused with Eren's spine-bug-body, it might me transferred to him.

Why is it so sure that historias baby will inherit it? I mean it could be but is there no other Eldian giving birth ?

Ymir is too occupied with the rumbling and titans to send the power to a new beast. It’s be a bit too coincidental if Historia’s child gets it

Zeke convinced Ymir to return Eldia to monke. Everyone is now best titan

  KILLING ZEKE SEEMS TO HAVE STOPPED THE RUMBLING, AS THE ALLIANCE PREDICTED. DOES THIS MAKE SENSE FOR YOU? 2,112 Responses

In our chapter 133 poll we asked if killing Zeke would have any effect on stopping the rumbling and only 4.2% of people thought it would, so we aren’t sure whether to side eye these results or assume a lot of people had a change of heart in the last 4 months.

35.9% agree that Zeke was always the key linking Eren to the full Founder abilities, so his death would put the rumbling on hold. However, just a tiny fraction fewer (35.6%) think we need more info about this, given chapter 122 where Eren convinced Ymir to go with his plan. 16.5% think the halt in the rumbling is just part of a clever ruse by Eren. 12% think chapter 122 made it clear that the Founder’s powers no longer need royal blood, so this development doesn’t make sense.

Outside of killing Eren; Zeke dying seems like the only way the Rumbling could've been stopped. And with all the shows and movies I've seen with the 'leader/controller dies so army stops' it doesn't come across as cheap.

wtf is Eren doing ? If killing Zeke was the way to do it (which is quite weird since royal blood seemed no longer revelant as of 122, but alright, let's admit it), couldn't he have done something to prevent Zeke from leaving paths ????

It was a very confusing chapter. Ymir switching sides and Zeke's death stopping the rumbling made no sense. We need more information.

I really wanna know why the rumbling stopped

  WHAT BEST MATCHES YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE LOTUS IMAGERY? 2,086 Responses

Was it symbolic or aesthetic? Functional or pure cinge? We had to ask about the usually lotus imagery that while beautifully drawn drew scorn from some parts of the fandom. 38.3% called it primarily symbolic, 37.1% saw it as purely aesthetic. 12.8% considered it “annoying Armin worship”, and 7.9% thinking it perhaps there was a functional reason for the character positioning. There where, of course, plenty of write-ins as well...

It looks sick af

In the final moments, Armin gave thanks to everyone around him for lending their strength. A lesser man might have claimed this to be HIS doing, since Armin indirectly triggered the whole turnaround. The humility is genuine and I respect him deeply for it.

xavier holding Armin was kinda cool but not really.

Quite possibly the worst panel in the manga, both in terms of composition (Bert’s hands are not that big) and theme (Kruger wouldn’t side with the alliance)

Something out of a satanic ritual for the crimson king

STAN ARMIN FOR CLEAR SKIN

Stupid Armin wank and the dialogue makes it cringe.

The panel is fine but the dialogue.... good lord, it makes me physically cringe

The positioning is aesthetic and symbolic, but also protective of Armin.

They're protecting Armin

Up until this moment I was so confused by who Xavier was holding. So it was Armin, makes sense, thanks.

This panel remembers me if a panel where ymir had a contract with the devil. I feel like Armin was like the messiah. Im not sure

A great set up to a huge blow to Eren

Aesthetics and function- if there were any of Eren’s goons still active, they could step in before it could get Armin.

agree with points 3 and 4 😭😭😭 please armin gets handed so much shit on a silver platter FOR WHAT

armin best boy don't hear you

ARMIN HELOS

armin king

Armin worship. Not annoying.

BEAUTIFUL INCREDIBLE JUST WOW POWER IF FRIENDSHIP

Its probably one of the best panels in the series, we just need Krueger and grisha motivations to be there

Kinda cheesy but at the same time beautiful

Didn't even realise it was lotus imagery. I thought it was just a cool shot

Don't have a huge opinion, it looks really cool and I bet there can be deeper meaning found in it.

I don’t really know to be honest but I thought the page looked badass

I have no opinion on this except wow grisha chest hair

I loved it! Armin definitely deserved such beautiful imagery. He is trully pure and kind hearted being who wishes for peace.

I think Isayama loves to imagine his panels in a museum or gallery one day.

CONFUSED

i thought it looked lame

I thought this scene was a bit corny

I'm already conflicted by who is standing here so I really don't know what to think.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE DEVIL THEORY.

It would be epic without Armong

It's aesthetic, but it also functions as a way to allow the alliance to escape the blast zone before Armin transforms. These titans protect Armin long enough to get everyone else out.

It's Armin supremacy😭😩

It's just cringe.

It's the GREATEST PANEL IN ALL OF THE MANGA. VIVA ARMIN!!!!

It's WONDERFUL and NECESSARY Armin worship

It’s a beautiful and touching image, but also a bit too much Armin worship.

It’s a reference to Naruto arriving at konoha to fight pain, that’s exactly what Armin is, a Naruto.

Xaver’s titan can be seen as a devil since it’s a Ram, he’s holding armin in his outstretched hands. I think this is what all the Ymir Apple foreshadowing is, Armin is the apple

probably mostly for aesthetic but also knowing isayama it's probably a bit more than that. i think it shows how armin and his ideologies are key. also, "The Lotus flower is regarded in many different cultures, especially in eastern religions, as a symbol of purity, enlightenment, self-regeneration and rebirth. Its characteristics are a perfect analogy for the human condition: even when its roots are in the dirtiest waters, the Lotus produces the most beautiful flower." really fits aot ngl

  WHAT KIND OF BATTLE CAN WE EXPECT AGAINST THE SPINE CREATURE? 2,048 Responses

In yet another detour on the route to actually battling Eren, Reiner was seen wrestling the spine creature in the closing pages of the chapter. What kind of battle can we expect from this new challenger? 32% believe it will be a quick one since Armin will destroy it with his blast. 30.8% are not so optimistic, suggesting weird paths shit will happen first. 20.4% believe Reiner will have his Helos moment killing the creature with a spear. 9.3% selected a surprise Ymir with a steel chair.

Reiner will pierce it using one of the broken Eren bones as a spear like Helos personified

something creepy and disturbing will happen idk

Something creepy and mindblowing, no doubt.

The most powerful creature in aot will die by a single dramatic punch

The Spine creature is indestructible.

There won't be a battle against it.

a dumb one.

Reiner is Thor in Ragnarok fighting Jörmungandr, he is going to kill the creature and finish the Titans Powers, just to die soon after.

Both a battle and some weird Paths shit with Ymir

Reiner will die holding it back

Idk. Just hoping Reiner made it out alive.

Dear lord I have no idea, the only thing I know is Reiner Helos

If we get a fistfight a la Heaven's Feel I will cry tears of joy

It'll be inconsequential compared to Eren returning

It’s not the founding spine. The founding spine is with Eren on Paradis and once the alliance realizes that, it will be too late.

Its already dead, next chapter either Reiner is dead or he has a confrontation with Eren

It will be destroyed by Armin’s transformation

I think the explosion is the best chance for it to die, but I don't know if it'll go down that easy.

I think this is probably it for Reiner. After all he's endured, dying a heroic death would be good, despite me loving his character.

Dunno Reiner's all beat up i don't even know if he can withstand what that big ass spine is going to do

Either by using the warhammer spear to kill it , or some weird paths stuff (Maybe talking to Eren)..

Reiner will fucking die, hopefully

Reiner will keep pushing the spine creature back and tackling it to the ground to do all that he can to prevent it from reconnecting with the Founding Titan's head, and then Armin will land the finishing blow to destroy it thanks to the explosion from the  Colossal Titan's transformation.

Probably another asspull or power of friendship bs.

Punch it like Chris Redfield did with BOULDER

BIRD EAT WORM

Both Reiner and the spine creature will die in the Armong nuke

However way he deals with it, I hope he survives!!!

Can we even expect a battle against it? I was assuming it'd just drop dead sometime lol

who even cares at this point. Whether it is spine-kun or NPC shifters, I am tired of seeing the crew fight mindless opponents.

Why does it care so much about that head? That's not a joke question -- if that body's a Titan, it has options; and if it's a Warhammer construct, the whole thing is a means to an end -- so what does it have to lose?

  WILL REINER ACHIEVE HELOS STATUS BY DEFEATING THE SPINE CREATURE AND/OR EREN? 2,062 Responses

The stage is finally set and we will see if Reiner becomes the hero he once yearned to be. 38.7% of respondents think everyone’s a winner everyone was a part of playing the mythical role of Helos. 32.8% say simply that yes, Reiner will become a Helos figure in defeating the spine thing, or Eren, or both. 15.3% say no, for whatever reason Reiner will not become a new Helos. 13.3% think Reiner has already reached Helos status (the world is still in terrible danger but I like that positivity).

can’t wait to see Helos Reiner!!!

Reiner is my favorite character and I'm really torned between wanting him to die because that'd bring him peace, or wanting him to live to see his mom and take care of Gabi and Falco

I got the bad feeling that even Reiner Helos is going to add to that Mong bullshit somehow. I hope I'm wrong.

I'm hyped for next chapter because it will be the time for us Helos believers to rise, but I'm nervous, because I'm sure that it will come with Reiner's death and I'm not emotionally ready for that.

  IS EREN REALLY DONE, OR IS THERE ANOTHER ACE UP HIS SLEEVE? 2,098 Responses

A pretty solid majority of 62.2% think Eren has more fight left in him. Whaaat, really? Seems out of character. 17.8% think that he’s still in control of the situation, whether he’s dead or alive! 13.4% don’t think he can come back after Armin’s boom, and 6.6% think he may be out of ammo but that Ymir will keep up the fight.

Hope Eren isn't defeated

I think that eren is ready for all of this. Rather hes just die or have another plan but i hope at least the scout know that eren love them and doesnt have other choices.

I am on alliance side but I dont think the fight is over. I want a plot twist and more explanation esp about ymir

Shits an obvious bait lmao. Yams is gonna pull another sneaky on us like he has done since the very beginning. I still haven’t lost faith in Master Yama.

I want Eren to be alive, not because I “like the Rumbling” or because if I’m a Yeagerist (I’m actually pro Alliance), but because I like the story to make literary sense. To me, Eren getting beat in a single chapter after proving that he was incredibly OP was not good writing imo.

If this was genuinely the end, it would have absolute garbage, but every sign points to Eren winning. If you look at the chapter knowing the Avengers have already lost, it's great.

I really don’t think eren is dead. There is no way they would kill him without having any final words

  WITH THE ALLIANCE APPEARING TO HAVE THE UPPERHAND, SOME NEW THEORIES ABOUT EREN HAVE EMERGED. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING DO YOU THINK HAVE MERIT? CHECK ALL THAT APPLY. 2,022 Responses

It wouldn’t be Attack on Titan without a host of new theories with each new chapter! We tried to grab the most common ones to see which had the most traction. A whopping 67% believe there is merit to the theories that Eren knew this was going to happen and it’s part of his plan. Nearly 40% are open to the idea that Eren is remote control powering his titan form from Paradis. About 34% are open to the theory that he’ll touch Historia’s baby to restart the rumbling and 24% haven’t discounted a Lelouch ending. Only 14% of the fandom believe it’s game over for Eren.

my theory is he's faking his death to see if peace is truly achievable - If the Marleyans try to kill the Alliance, the Rumbling will inmediately continue.

I'm holding out for Eren being hidden in the skeleton's ass. Don't get mad if your headcannon doesn't come true. Most people will probably enjoy the ending and that's fine.

Eren hiding like a fckin coward while people are trampled and his friends put their lives at risk for their own goals then Eren using a child to trample some more is the most ridiculous theory I've ever seen.

Eren might wake up and continue his path forward somehow

I hope big twist next chapter

i hope Eren doesn’t just pull a lelouch.

I hope Eren Yeager doesn’t die and I also hope he doesn’t love anyone from “Attack on Titan”

Eren's not done but rumbling won't start again.

Grisha will free Eren from the burden of his consequences that he started all those years ago.

Eren could've disabled the titans powers when he wanted but didn't so he's probably realizing somme illumination from his time with Ymir

Eren wants to die at the hands of the alliance

Eren would try to activate the rumbling again  but there could be a "Miscalculation" that could interfere with his goal (i.e... Historia's child probably inheriting the Beast Titan), Hange: "You said "fight" twice, does this mean it's a two round fight?" The rumbling will restart.

He knows everything that’s happening and he said he will keep moving forward so there’s no way he’s finished yet.

he probably WANTS them to stop him, because he can't stop himself, Honestly don't know, I just know he's alive, monke is dead :(

Eren is not in Paradis, if he was the plotline of Mikasa resolution about killing Eren would be wasted completely because it would avoid making Mikasa having to answer the question and develop a bit of character, despite being set up multiple time during this arc.

I think he has something else up his sleeve that probably isnt mentioned here.

There's so many people said that he will touch historia's baby. Idk i'm alliance but the theory make sense.. I hope not yeah..

What if he's done everything because he knew he would be defeated and that it'd bring peace? He's seen everything happen, if I understood correctly, so he knew he'd be defeated at some point. Maybe that'd mean it was all a part of his plan to bring peace, WHT power is plausible but I don't think he is controlling it remotely in Paradis (that would be a joke on him after all his "moving forward" speech and all). I was thinking about Eren doing the hardening like Annie did to save himself and probably have another card up his sleeve.

He still has some last moments to fight on his own at least, if need be

He wanted to be stopped.

He'll try one final thing, only to be stopped by Mikasa&Reiner for good.

He's actually asleep like we've seen in 131 and like we've seen 2 times before. Armin will talk with his child self in order to help him wake up. When he wakes up, he regrets everything.

he's gonna cry and come back. the end.

  EREN AND HISTORIA’S POVS ARE THE BIGGEST MYSTERIES REMAINING. WITH ONLY TWO CHAPTERS LEFT, WHEN DO YOU EXPECT TO SEE THEM?

The fandom has far more confidence in getting Eren POV chapter than Historia’s with most respondents thinking we’ll get Eren’s perspective in the next chapter. Our fingers are crossed too!!

I hope we see Eren and Historia's POV next chapter

I just wanna know when we’ll see erens POV I feel like the alliance win is too good to be true. Feeling like there’s gonna be an upcoming twist

there should be eren's pov even though its just him inside the titan saying ARRRRRGGGGHHHH (LOL)

Im fucking dying to see Historia again my girl needs her POV of this shitshow

What we can still get is a conclusion on Eren's future memories, and possibly closing up the plotholes like why did Grisha give Eren his titans. Unless Isayama forgot. Maybe the reason Eren's POV is hidden from us is a SHOCKING plot twist that he planned for his nakama to destroy Hallucigenia-chan and stop the Rumbling. Because as we all know, Eren's new motto is ""I just keep snoozing forward, until I destroy, like, 50% of my enemies, and then I want to be stopped"".

We neeeeed Eren POV, we have too many questions

I'm really most interested in an eren pov.  I want to know what has been going through his mind this entire time and his opinion on the outcome

  IF THIS IS THE END OF THE FIGHT, WERE YOU SATISFIED WITH THE FINAL BATTLE? 2,106 Responses

If this was the final battle, were you satisfied? For close to 60% of the fandom that answer is yes, with 22.7% saying it surpassed their expectation and 36.6% selecting that while they’d have done some things differently they were satisfied overall.  On the negative end of the spectrum, 21.2% thought there was potential but it was cut short, while 9.5% consider this final battle stupid from start to finish.

I thought the final battle was over very easily, but it’s not a cliche shonen power of friendship win considering thousands of innocent people have already been crushed to death and the political situations with non effected countries will be a mess.

I really hope that wasn't everything

I really hope we get to see Eren have a final moment with the others, specifically with Armin and Mikasa.

We better get one last Reiner Vs Eren fight before this shit ends

It feels too wholesome for a final AOT battle...

It felt a bit too compact. The content could easily be expanded upon to create more impact.

If this is the end of the fight then the ending is pretty dogshit ngl, unless we get Erens titan vs reiner one last time

I really hope Reiner is okay :((

It was strong thematically and the battle was interesting.

Think about all the times a character has delivered their final blow with some snarky, raging or otherwise power-flexing way throughout SNK. When it was Armin’s turn to deliver a finishing blow, he did it with such humble humanity and... dare I say love (no, not ship-wise, just general love and respect for the “other side”). Guys, Armin really SHONE this chapter. Not because he took the spotlight, but because he went forth with love.

  DESCRIBE THE CHAPTER IN ONE WORD 1,436 Responses

Our friend on Twitter, @hooveredbraunie, created a word cloud of responses from each of the 5 ratings from “Rate the Chapter”. We think it’s makes a perfect snapshot of the fandom.

Looking at the list in it’s entirely, yhe top five most chosen words are:

Amazing [71] Good [42] Monke [38] Epic [37] Awesome [28]

  WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 2,115 Responses

Eren. Alive. 36% are hoping the fight isn’t over. Eren talking to someone in his last moments is next with 18.7%. Of the less popular options are Historia (10.4%), Mikasa making her move (8.7%), Levi wondering what to do now that Zeke is gone (8.2% ), and someone, anyone,  in the alliance dying (6.1%).

Help i need answers😔

I HOPE WE CAN SEE EREN

Hange shard when Hange shard when Hange shard when

I just hope eren’s alive

i just hoped to see an alliance death but no

I just wanna see ymir with historia once again

I just want everyone to have a happy ending but that’s nearly impossible now

i just want historia

I'm just waiting for the next chapter for eren to appear

I just want Levi to die. He deserves to rest, god

I just want to see Reiner Bertholdt reunion

I really want Eren to have a final conversation with someone, preferrably Armin or Mikasa but at this point anyone will do.

I JUST WANT LEVI TO REUNITE WITH ERWIN IN SOME WAY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK

Next chapter better be an Ererei talk istg

If Eren is going to lose can we at least get and alliance character dying? At least one!??

I just want to see in the next chapter if the fight is really over but with the WHT and

Please stay alive Eren T^T

pls don’t end :( i can’t emotionally take it :(

Historia's baby, it might not be yet.

I just need more answers 😅

I JUST WANT THE REST OF THE ALLIANCE STAY ALIVE!!!! AND ALSO EREN!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭

  WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING PLATFORMS DO YOU USE TO DISCUSS THE SERIES? 1,954 Responses

While Twitter (56.1%), Reddit (41.7%), Discord (24.9%), YouTube (20.5%) and Instagram (16.4%) are still the top platforms for discussing Attack on Titan, TikTok (12.5%) , in its debut on the poll, beat out Tumblr (11.2%), Facebook (7.1%) and a whole slew of other platforms.

  ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER? 663 Responses

Hey there!

I’m so scared lol😀

I’m surprised my fav characters are still alive

Is eren and reiner alive?

I'm still hoping that they can have a happy ending. The deserves it after all the fights.

I've heard so many different theories on how this series could end and now that we are on the final chapters almost nothing has gone with my expectations. I was blown out of the water with how this final fight went. With expectations for this series so high its impossible for it to satisfy everyone. But I'm really happy with how everything turned out. A lot of plot threads are being closed up in satisfying ways and I'm content with the character development everyone is getting.

There are a few things I've been disappointed about, like the lack of Eren's point of view. But I'll hold off judgment till the series ends. I think i'll enjoy rereading this section of the story once it's finished. I caught up with the manga around 117 and waiting monthly for these chapters was made everything seem longer that it probably actually was. Overall I'm happy with how everything went.

Zeke sort of reminds me of Johan from monster. both had a messed up asf childhood and life in general. both didn't find pleasures in life at all, like simple pleasures like tea or coffee to life and people. Because they knew for themselves life had no meaning. therefore both of them could do basically whatever they wanted sorta bc life had no meaning to them and was destined to go extinct if that makes sense. To them, their actions were justified bc they had no meaning in life. But armin, this hope in the world, also knew the world was cruel. however he chose to find pleasures in it rather than distrusting it all together. He found hope in his friends and reading and more, even if it meant getting hurt by people. I believe armin will talk. This chapter messed me up man. Zeke used to be my least favorite character cause he was weird but now he's one of my favs. His death was def one of the hardest for me. ugh what a beautiful chapter. I wish they all found meaning in life before.

Where is the scarf?

Just a reminder we haven't had Ackerman immunity to mind wipes become relevant yet! It's time, Mikasa.

what the heck is going on

WHERE IS HISTORIA BABY.

reiner helos gallirei canon zeke supremacy gabi gang hoes mad

Gabi has lots of potential, and it was smart to have her as a character study. I mean, not only do we get the perspective of a brainwashed child of war, but through her, it was shown that it's possible to end all conflicts through forgiveness. She is also a replacement for sasha (sharpshooter). Levi is no shooter, but I hope he takes Gabi, and/or the other war kiddies, under his wing. I hope Levi could find another purpose, and I'm imagining being a trainer/teacher best suites him. He cares a lot and gives good guidance with his experience and wisened words…

Gay Ymir please come back and marry your wife

Honestly, I was always kinda neutral towards Zeke. Never really loved him, never really hated him. Hated what he did to the Scouts and subsequently to Erwin, but that hate really didn't last long. He was just kinda...there for me. He was an interesting character, and brought a lot to the series, but I guess it wasn't until the chapter with him and Eren as they went through his and their father's memories (the BIG chapter) that I started to warm up (?) to him. I don't know, it's hard to explain how I really felt about him overall. I will admit though, that his death, although very sudden with Levi coming out of nowhere lol, was impactful and I think a really poetic end for him. Him finally realizing the true meaning of living, seeing the beauty of their cruel world at the very end, and helping to bring an end to the Rumbling, left a very good impression on me. So, in the end...I liked Zeke. He was a good character.

Zeke and Armin's talk is... decent, I guess. Like everything in the final arc, it suffered from bizarre pacing issues, so while the core of the talk is decent, we essentially have Armin changing Zeke's entire worldview with 1 small speech. Then SUDDENLY DEAD PEOPLE COME BACK TO LIFE LEVI BEHEADS REINER HELOS ARMIN NUKE RUMBLING IS STOPPED... why the hell did we get two fanservice battle chapters just that all this gets stuffed into one?

I want Levi alive. So he can open his dream tea shop. I want him happy

I was happy to see Ksaver's titan, Armin and Zeke's talk moved me, and I'll admit I never thought the spine creature was sentient until this chapter. I'm sad the series is ending. What do I have left to look forward to each month?

Reiner Helos oh shit

I am very disappointed that is all. I feel betrayed to just read shounen battle manga story at the climax of the story. I thought Trost is over. And trost had less of the naruto tropes.

i can only hope that all the characters can live and end with a happy ending, this is ridiculous, but I hope it ends with a happy ending

I can see why some people wouldn't like it but I personal loved it

I can't answer 50% of this, I think my thoughts are unique lmao

I can't believe we are nearing the end... AOT has been with me for years. It has been a steady companion that has asked me to reflect on my morals and convictions. It has presented different points of view to me that I had to engage with. It has helped me shape my views on the world we are living in. I don't think I am ready to say goodbye to AOT yet. But I have to.

i miss eren

I miss monke

I miss zeke

I NEED MORE

I NEED MORE ANSWERS

I need more chapters, man.

I really don't get the hate for it

I really don't like Armin

I realy don't now what iysyama doing

Wish Hanji was still alive

Worst chapter of the entire series. If eren was actually defeated, and being defeated wasn't his intention, this chapter ruined the series and his character.

I sympathize for baby Zeke's struggles and the trauma he had to experience but honestly he ain't special in this manga, everyone has a sad fucking backstory. He was a pathetic little sadist, always puffed up about how Clever™ he was for double-crossing people and yet never seeing the obvious betrayal coming from Eren. I know the justification for that is "aw he cared for his baby brother uwu" but that was what made him so pathetic - for all his posturing about being smart and pragmatic for the Greater Good (which was his justification for the euthanasia plan) he was just as emotional and fallible as all the people he looked down on. His lack of self-awareness and depth of selfishness disgusts me. This ending was too good for him. He died as a martyr and he deserved much, much less. Tbf, for baby Zeke's sake, I am glad he got to see some happy memories of Xaver towards the end, but I thought his death was tasteless and a slap in the face of all the people he murdered before. (*ahem* Mike)

Suddenly grew a soft spot for zeke.

Zeke is honestly such a masterclass in character writing and it is so impressive that Isayama has written so many amazing characters. I started out really hating Zeke for what he did to Miche, and that impression carried for a long, long time, even until it was revealed that he had his own agenda, that he might be playing the long game helping Eldians, I didn't believe it because of what he did to Miche. In fact, it was Eren's cooperation with Zeke that made me turn on Eren post-timeskip. When we got that hint of Zeke backstory, I was actually kind of miffed. Like no way, Isayama, you're not going to make me sympathize with Zeke. Not happening. Yet, after I read the chapter, my thoughts were Grisha is a shit dad. Absolute shit dad. Anyway, I was still glad Eren bested Zeke in Paths, though once the Rumbling activated, I realized that I agreed with Zeke's plan better. So he's really become an interesting character for me, and I was even really excited to see him return at the end of last chapter. I still don't like him very much, but he is incredibly compelling and interesting, and I'm definitely a bit more forgiving of his earlier actions. Miche's death still sucked though.

Zeke is one of the most well written character of all time

Zeke is so fucked up, but he's hilarious and extremely meme-able. He's a tragic, well-written character who committed monstrous acts. If he didn't die here, he should have been locked up for the rest of his life.

Zeke is such a underrated but sad character. He truly taught his plan was the best Eldians. He was brain wash from his own parents and send them into pure titans, while his half brother had a normal childhood. In the end, he sacrificed himself to defeat Eren.

Zeke is super smart and very strong man ; he was defending his own past and his own sadness ; but he lost when he tried to follow his wrong feeling of sympathy toward eren ; he was thinking that he is a victim either from their father; this makes him lost everything he lived for until this moment..

Zeke is very great and one of the most important character to the story, his development also very good, i'll miss him

Zeke jeager was of course the first of the two jeager brothers and surprisingly the first son of Grisha I think as Hajime Isayama presented him it was awesome but I still not sure about his death is he really dead or is there any twist left in the last two chapters but still 🤞🤞 let’s see what is left in the series.

Zeke just wanted the eldians to be free but the way he wanted to make them free was wrong. That’s why I didn’t like him that much. But I think right now I’m sad that he had to die.

Zeke made many decisions in order to achieve his goal of ending the painful cycle of Eldian life, and because of that I feel sorry for him. I feel sad that he felt that he needed to make those decisions, and I’m glad that he was able to finally see the beauty in life at the end.

Zeke's a very interesting character to me. I love the irony of Grisha teaching him how cruel the world is in the hopes that it would radicalize him, only for it to make him wish he was never born. The guy never got the chance to just be a regular kid, except for when he was with Tom Ksaver. Tom acted like a parent should to a child, and as such Zeke ended up following through on Tom's vision rather than Grisha's. He was supposed to save the Eldian people, but came to the conclusion that it would be better if they were wiped out. I'm glad his past was brought up again in 137 where Zeke was contrasted with Armin. Zeke was born into a role with high expectations, compared to Armin who earned his expectations through repeated successes. Armin was able to grow up as the regular kid that Zeke wishes he was. His past traumas also lead him to project his own insecurities, which we can say by his assumption that all Eldians are born to suffer, and in thinking that Eren was brainwashed by Grisha, both of which aren't necessarily true. Overall I'd say Zeke is one of my favorite characters in the series, and I'm just scratching the surface of why I like him so much.

Zeke was used by others in some way, over his entire life. The restorationists goals. Kusaver using him to ease his own guilt. Marley’s military. Eren as well. I can’t help but wonder how he could have turned out if anyone had sincerely given a fuck about his own happiness.

Hate that Historia is continuing to be ignored.

I feel happy that most people are ok, but I just know that it can't last long. I hope they get a fast death at least if it all goes to hell;-;-;

I feel like eren is going to get his full freedom

I feel like it was mega rushed

I feel like people need to chill out quite a bit. Big surprise, the ending does not go according to your theories, who might’ve predicted that? Please take a moment to clear your head of the entitlement you might have accumulated in the last months, sit back and enjoy the rest of the ride. No need to get so angry over every little detail. And if you can’t even do that? You’re free to leave, but please stop spreading hate everywhere, thanks!

I feel like the reaction was so overblown. We have more chapters left, people shouldn’t disown the series now

I haven't cared about the direction this story's been going in since timeskip so I'm just along for the ride

i hope everyone will die at the end

I hope I could get inside that universe

I hope the ending won't be another typical ending like naruto with UMI DA. Whatever it is, I trust in Isayama who is a master in twist somewhat definitely can't wait for the next chapter :)

WTF Cringevangers could defeat him easy like that.. when they fight with yeagerist Annie and Reiner got heavy damage but fight against 9 Titans ? This is too easy to win.. they have not more sacrifice

Yams has done an impressive job tying this work as a whole, in terms of plot, character development, and themes

I hope there's chance for annie and armin being together because i've ship them since season 1 huhu

I hope this isn't a set up for talk-no-jutsu. One thing that set SnK apart from other fantasy/supernatural shonens was the least use of talk-no-jutsu (it was there way early in the manga and anime but still it was least). Overall, I guess when more information/clarification could've been given, we got more talk and a dissatisfying death, I expected more.

I hoped Armin would have escaped PATHS using a big brain plan

I hoped Mikasa would cut Eren out and feed him to Gabi

I just hope eren isn’t dead so that we can get one more plot twist of the series

I want everyone to be happy in the end please

I want levi to be able to tell Eren what he wanted to say to him :))))

it is mostly about zeke and armin but the other characters were also amazing, it is sad to see levi killing zeke with that expression, I'm not sure why but he is like anger to sad. anD MY ARUANI HEART OMGG, ISAYAMA DON'T KILL THEM PLS, JUST ONE COUPLE PLS T_T and additional, we are really not sure where's eren, is he really that head? what might happen next like will he continues the rumbling? who's the father of historia's baby? I hope it will be cleared in the next chapters, Im exciteddd!!

It kinda sucked.

It left a permanent stain on the name of the series, even if the ending is godlike or even if eren wins how the fuck are you going to explain this bullshit that makes zero sense and gives me vibes of a fanfic writer making it?

It left unanswered questions

It left us with more questions than answers, and I hope we get them soon. But it was satisfying overall

i love you isayama🥰😍😘 (pls don’t kill armin or mikasa i cant take this anymore🤣😁🤪🤩)

It makes me question "what will the alliance do next? Is Eren still alive? What happens to Historia?" Next chapter should answer all of that.

It ould have been longer to flesh out each scenario and make it more believable, Zeke's change would be better if a few pages more was used to add more detail to his change. The fight scene should be fine as it is. As for the death of Zeke it needs to be longer, it would have made the audience much more sattisfies, his death is a turning point and it could have played out better if Isayama paid more attention to it. But overall I enjoyed it.

it was absolutely amazing and has a great impact especially on armin, eren and mikasa

It was actually great and I think it's setting up the tone for something big in the next chapter

Truly devastating

u/animew3eb was here

It was all just so rushed and convenient- levi killing zeke like it's nbd, zeke being dead completely stopping their problem, all these random dead people coming back to life it's like - what is this? why rush things this much in the last 3 chapters?  i'm hoping isayama has something up his sleeve but the power of friendship defeating eren's still as of yet unexplained character change has left me super disappointed.

It was amazing as always and still leave me confused on certain parts but that's okay i will understand everything after it ends

It was an alright chapter, about what I really expected, as much as I'd like to I never thought Eren would win and the chapter ended the way I thought it would. With so much negativity surrounding this chapter hopefully the next chapter and the finale will ease people's mind, some people just need to remember this is a Shonen not a Seinen of course the alliance were gonna win.

It was awesome I just hope the last 2 chapters can emphasise this chapter and give it a bit more meaning

It was good definitely unexpected. If next chapter we don't see eren's POV than chapter 137 is bad.

It was good even if cheesy, looking towards 138.

It was good. Had some great moments like Reiner vs the spine creature and Levi fulfilling his promise. Zeke’s ending was really good too. But feel like a lot of potentially pivotal stuff happened with not the best delivery of explaining how/why. This may be revealed more in the final two chapters though so I won’t judge

It was good. The way we got emotions and fight scenes all in one chapter is another peak fiction writing skill from Isayama. As a lot of people think tho, some things shown in the chapter were confusing and kinda out of context, but I guess we'll gonna have all the answers in the last 2 chapters. Ngl, there was some obvious plot armor there in the Alliance side but I think Isayama already gave us enough suffering to ask for more deaths (man, just the thought of how EMA might end after this is more than enough). The ending will definitely define if AOT will go down at the best manga/anime of all time.

It was great! There are a lot of questions unanswered tho

it was great. i got goosebumps but knowing that there are only two chapters left i am really still wondeeing how things would end. knowing a lot of theories are circling on the internet i am also still confused of what will happen next so i am really looking forward on the fina chapters. uuuuuuu i dont want aot to end thoooo 😭

it was kinda confusing but it was really cool

It was kinda lame, I don’t want characters winning through power of friendship.

It was predictable, but the manner in which it was done was very good. I have more mixed feelings for eren since there is a possibility that he is dead.

It was really good, Although I side with eren, it was nice seeing the alliance getting a win

We surprisingly DIDN'T find out about the outcome of the standoff at fort Salta; last month I was sure leaving it as a cliffhanger was a waste of time since it was obvious that they were going to cooperate and aid the Alliance, but now that the Rumbling has been stopped, Maybe the twist next chapter is that the warriors arrive to see their loved ones dead/dying at Marleyan hands?

We're just rehashing the same lessons of previous arcs and we're just supposed to have conveniently forgotten them...both the feeling of powerlessness/futility of living and the message of "true freedom is..." were already covered by Eren himself back in Uprising and then in his convo with Shadis about what Carla wanted for him. Yams are you telling me he didn't learn a thing and we gotta see other people come to the same conclusions? Ok..........

Were in the Endgame now. Eren's seeming death is used to subvert expectations and is from the POV of Armin. He said goodbye to Eren expecting for him to die from the explosion, e does not say it as fact.

What a stupid chapter for my birthday.

While answering a couple questions, this chapter also made me realize that I didn't understand shit :) Maybe once the manga has ended and all my questions are answered, I will finally succeed in understanding this masterpiece.

I'm honestly shocked. I mean, every chapter got me shocked, but DAMN I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S GONNA COME TO AN END SOON WAAAAAAAAAAAH

Again, this this wasn’t enough the full list on write-ins, all 131 pages, are available. View as doc or pdf.

Thanks as always for your support of the community poll <3

[geshertzarmeod]

Favorite Books of 2020

I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.

The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)

Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!

The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.

The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles​ made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)

The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro.  I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden.  This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.

Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela.  I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.

Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.

Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.

How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.

Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020

Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan​ . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.

Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!

Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray​ . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.

[kiirokero]

Selcouth (KNJ)

Selcouth: Unfamiliar, rare, strange, and yet marvelous. Old English.

Part of the “Protect the Village!” Oneshot Series!

Masterlist

Pairing: CarMechanic!Namjoon x Writer!Reader

Genre: Fluff, a bit of angst, but a happy ending :)

Note: I stg this Aquafina water be hittin’ different nowadays

Summary: Having your car break down? Sucks. Having your car break down in an unfamiliar town after losing basically everything? Yeah, that really sucks. Hopefully, the smartest mechanic in town can get you back on the road quickly.

Word Count: 3.6k

“W-What do you mean you’re letting me go?”

        “I mean that you’re fired, Y/n, but I wanted to put it in a nicer way,” Your boss explained, releasing a sigh. “B-But why?” You sputtered out, “Mr. Choi, you know I need this writing job... No other position is open the city...” You begged, having the smallest of hope that he would reconsider. “I know Ms. L/n, but the company is going under, even if you stay I can’t pay you,” Mr. Choi groaned, one of his palms resting on his face. 

      You felt like crying. Ever since you were little, you dreamed of being a writer and sharing stories with others. When you got older, that dream changed to wanting people around the world to read what you wrote, so why not write articles for newsletter companies?

      It was difficult. The city you lived in was full of competition for every job you could name. Office workers, technicians, writers. But you had nowhere else to go. You moved away from home for this. Your family sorta cut ties with you shortly after, never really caring for you in a parental way... They were just there. So you needed to succeed. You needed this job. 

And now that was all gone. 

      So you went home, searched up writing jobs in a 50-mile radius, packed your things, got in your car, and started driving. In the next city over there was a new newsletter company getting started and they were looking for writers. It was just the thing you needed. Maybe this was the universe telling you that you needed a change of pace. That you needed a new routine, a second chance to start over and make life your bitch.

     The blur of lush, green trees whooshed past your car windows as you kept your eyes on the coarse road in front of you. The rhythmic hum of the machine you were operating was the only sound you could hear. You had a music playlist, but after an hour and a half, it got more irritating than relaxing. So you sat in silence, mind blank, as you ran on auto-pilot. 

Until your car made an odd sputter. 

     Creasing your eyebrows, you looked at the dials on your dashboard, waiting for any warning light to shine, but none did. You shrugged it off, still feeling slightly uneasy, but trusting your old machine to safely get you to your destination. Besides, there's nothing out here. It has to. 

      Nothing happened for another half-hour. Just the same methodical vroom of your tires on the road and whoosh of your air conditioning vents. You were just thinking about turning on the radio to whatever channel reached out here when... Sputter... Sputter. 

      Twice now, your car sputtered twice now. “God, please don’t do this,” You groaned to yourself, praying to whatever miracle maker was in the sky that your car wouldn’t break down on an obscure road with no big commune around for miles. Sputter... Sputtt... Sputter... It was getting worse now, but being the stubborn person you were, you refused to believe that the car you had since teenage hood was finally giving out on you. 

Sputter... Sputter... Sput... put... pu.. tttt...

      Sighing, you pulled over to the side of the road with what little acceleration you had left on your- now dead- car. You sat there in the driver seat for a second, gathering your scattered thoughts, blinking back your tears of frustration. “I can’t believe this,” You whispered to the quiet air in the car. You hit your steering wheel in anger, immediately regretting it when the sting of the hit hurt your hand in turn. Curse you Newton and your 3rd law.

      Pulling out your phone from your backpack that laid in the passenger seat, you looked up mechanics you could call. Surprisingly, there was a tiny village not too far from here, only 2 miles, that had a mechanic. Bangtan Village. “Huh,” You murmured, “Never heard of it,” 

      You’ve never heard of Bangtan Village before. Then again, you’ve never went traveling around these parts either. You were always confined to the big cities for work, so it wasn’t a mind blowing revelation that there was possibly a village out here.

     Dialing the number listed, the phone rung a few times before the voice of a man answered. “Hello Kim’s Car Repair, how may I help you?” His voice sounded very warm and friendly. The soothing tone called down your panicking heart, and for that you were grateful.

“Hey, um, my car broke down, do you do towing?” You asked, nervously fiddling with your fingers.

“Yes we do! Do you know where you are?”

      You told him what road you were on and approximately how close to town you were and he reassured you that he would get to you soon. So you had no choice but to wait.

      20 minutes later, the rumble of the tow truck caught your attention. A tall man, about 6 foot, stepped out of the truck and gave you a dimpled smile. He had tan skin and gold brunette hair that was dirtied by what looked to be the black residue that comes from working on cars. His brown eyes crinkled endearingly and he was dressed in a simple t-shirt and jeans combo. He looked like the type of man who starred in a romance drama.

      “Hello! I assume your the Y/n I spoke to on the phone?” He asked, walking up to stand in front of me. For a man so tall, his height was comforting in a friendly giant way rather than intimidating. “Yeah, that’s me,” You chuckled, scratching the back of your neck. “I’m Namjoon,” He said, shaking my hand. “Nice to meet you, Namjoon,” You smiled, thinking that his hands were calloused from the work he did, but they were also a tough sort of soft.

      “Okay, so the plan is to tow your car back to my shop, see what’s up with it, then get you back on the road,” Namjoon explained, smile never slipping off of his face.

“Sounds good, Namjoon,” You smiled back.

      Namjoon hooked up your car to the truck as you sat in the front passenger's seat, watching him do his work smoothly, like a true professional. Once Namjoon was done, he got back in the truck, “Ready?” He asked. “Ready!” You firmly nodded. “Let’s go then” Namjoon grinned.

      The drive was smooth and somewhat quiet. The two of you talked here and there. About where you were going, your profession, his profession. Just very basic small talk. Before you knew it, you were in the quaint tiny village of Bangtan. Everything was spotless. The streets were free of litter, murals were painted on store walls, people were chatting friendly on the sidewalk. It was an enormous difference from the dirty, tagged, unfriendly streets of the city. It was a pleasant sight to see, a soul-cleansing image.

      Soon, Namjoon had your car in the shop and was inspecting it in no time. Already getting down to the problem while you waited anxiously waited for a verdict. “Well, I have good news and bad news,” Namjoon sighed, wiping off his dirtied hands on a hand towel. “Tell me the bad news first,” You said, grimly expecting the worst. “Okay, so, it’s a problem with your engine that will take at least a week to fix minimum.” He sighed, a sad smile on his face. You groaned, hiding your face in your hands. “But the good news is! You’re in Bangtan!” He said, giving you jazz hands.

“What do you mean?” You asked, raising your eyebrows.

“Everyone here is friendly, and I know you don’t exactly have a place to go, but I’m sure someone would be willing to house you” He shrugged.

“Namjoon, I don’t have the money to pay a rent.” You sighed.

“Then you can stay here! Free of charge! Consider it a few add on to me fixing your car,” He smiled.

      You felt a little better at that. You would have a place to stay, and it wouldn’t cost you a thing. Thinking about how much money was in your savings account, you felt like angels were singing at Namjoon’s suggestion. “Really?” You asked, eyes lit up in hope. “Of course. I’m not going to kick you out on the street,” He chuckled, giving you that same adorable dimpled smile. “Thank you so much, Namjoon. I’ll make it up to you!” You grinned, bouncing in excitement. “No need, I’m just glad to help.”

      Namjoon lived on the second floor of his shop. It was a small apartment, an open living room-kitchen plan with amazing natural light. His apartment was full of plants. Flowers, mini trees, elephant leaves. He even had a beautiful bonsai that obviously got a lot of care. “Your place is nice.” You complimented genuinely, smiling at the little things spread around the room. He had a Ryan cushion on his couch, a bookshelf full of classics, and solar powered toys in the window. The ones that bobble back and forth. “Thank you,” Namjoon chuckled, scratching the back of his neck while the two of you took off your shoes. “It’s a bit messy, but it’s home,” He said, leading you through the apartment to his small guest bedroom.

      “Here it is!” Namjoon said, leaning his head against the doorway. “Thank you again, Namjoon. I’ll be sure to be the best temporary roommate ever!” You promised. Namjoon laughed, patting you on the back with his large hand. “Just don’t murder me in my sleep and we’ll be fine,” He said, and you snorted. “Have you seen yourself? You could snap me like a twig,” You chuckled, gesturing to his sculpted arms that he no doubt got from his rigorous line of work. “I’d never,” He smirked, giving you a wink that made your heart flutter and cheeks heat up.

      You nervously chuckled, looking away from him to look around the room a bit, dropping your backpack off on the bed. “I’ll let you get settled, I’ll be in the living room if you need me,” Namjoon said, giving you a little wave goodbye as he closed the door, giving you some privacy. Sighing, you flopped on the soft white bed and let out a groan at how good it felt to lie down after driving for so long. You didn’t realize just how tired you were until you drifted off to sleep, letting the sweet shackles of your subconscious lock you in a state of rest.

      “So you’re telling me, that you had to write an article about animal genitalia? And ducks have corkscrew penises?” Namjoon laughed from under the car he was working on. “Yeah, and let me tell you whatever FBI agent is assigned to watching my internet history has quit by now,” You joked, laughing along with the man who has been your roommate for the past 4 days. “Wow, that sounds... interesting,” Namjoon chuckled, rolling out from under the car and sitting up straight to look at you. “Quite,” You answered back, handing him his hand towel so he could clean off his oily hands. “Hey um, I have a weird question to ask,” Namjoon said, grabbing your attention.

      Quirking your head to the side, you raised your eyebrows, “What’s up? Nothing can be weirder than a duck's dick.” You giggled, earning a smile from the man in front of you. “Would you... like to go out for dinner? There’s this nice restaurant in town that I think you’d like,” You asked nervously, his pitch gradually increasing as he got more anxious. You internally giggled at the fact that he was nervous at asking you to dinner, but smiled at him nonetheless. “That sounds nice. Are we going tonight?” You inquired, leaning on the edge of your seat. “Um, we can... if you’d like too...” He shrugged, fiddling with his grease stained hand towel. “I’d love to,”

      Namjoon’s smiled widened as he stood up to put away his tools. “Great! Um, we can go at 6?” He offered, and you have him a nod. “6 sounds good,” You answered, standing up to go and get ready. “I’ll be waiting.” You smiled, leaving Namjoon swooning as he gave you a look of admiration. “Yeah, yeah I’ll see you soon,” He smiled back, giving you a little wave as you walked out of his shop, running upstairs to pick out the nicest outfit you had from the limited clothes you brought with you that aren’t packed in boxes.

      Soon you picked out a cute skirt and sweater, modeling them in the mirror. Once you were satisfied with the way you looked and didn’t look like you crawled right out of bed, you checked the time. 5:45. You had a bit of time left before you left, so you sat down on the couch for a bit. Once you got out there, you couldn’t help but pick up one of Namjoon’s books that were lying around to help pass the time. 

      The Catcher in the Rye. A classic. Everyone in their senior year of highschool has probably read this book, willingly or not. The sheer amount of angst in this book would seemingly drive reader away, but it does the opposite. “I see you’ve found one of my favorites,” Namjoon chuckled from the doorway, pulling you out of the world in the book. “I have a feeling all the books on those shelves are your favorites” You teased, closing the hard cover and placing the book down on the coffee table. 

      “Maybe, but I’ve been on a Pride and Prejudice kick lately,” He chuckled, looking over to the bookshelves he had in his living room. “Really? For the dramatic love story or the social critiques?” You asked, but Namjoon didn’t answer right away. He just looked deep into your eyes, something that resembled longing swirling in the brown weaves of his irises. “The love story,” He spoke softly, not daring to take his eyes off of you. 

      Namjoon looked at you like you were a star in the sky and he was the moon, longing to hold your light in the palms of his hands and never let go. Like he wanted to take you on his personal nature walks and talk to you about all the different flora he’s identified on the trails. Like he wanted you there, 24/7, while he worked on the cars in his garage. Working was a lot less lonely when you had someone to tell you about the anatomy of animal genitalia for an article they were writing that was totally scientific. But Namjoon knew that tomorrow he would have to deliver the news that your car was in working order again. 

And then you would leave him...

      “Let’s go,” Namjoon whispered, giving you his classic dimpled smile that made your heart swoon every time he flashed one at you. Nodding, you got up from the couch and followed him out the door, taking a walk through the village, waving to a few people that you’ve briefly met, and arriving at the small bistro that was situated on a street corner. 

      The inside of the restaurant smell heavenly and made your already empty stomach growl in anticipation. “Hungry?” Namjoon teased with a smile. “Extremely,” You dramatically sighed back, chucking along with him. “Well then, let’s eat, shall we?” 

      “Alright, I know you said you get your money’s worth here, Namjoon. But this sandwich is huge,” You stressed, looking at the thick one foot sub that laid ominously on the ceramic plate in front of you. “You can always save it for later,” He suggested, taking a bite into his own, 6-inch, sandwich. He groaned in delight at the taste. “I love food,” He sighed. “Well, you kinda need it to live, Joon,” You chuckled, taking a bite of your own sandwich.

      Namjoon paused mid bite, looking up at you with wide eyes as you eyed the sandwich currently in your hands, trying to figure out how they made sandwiches that tasted like Gods ambrosia. “J-Joon?” He asked, and you looked up to meet his stunned expression. “Oh, sorry, was that not okay? I won’t say it again,” “N-No! I just, I liked it is all,” Namjoon interrupted, stumbling over his words while he examined the sandwich in his hands like you had been doing moments before. 

     You chuckled, “Well Joon, I saw that you ate my mozzarella sticks,” You playfully scolded, giving him an unimpressed face. “What? You left them in the fridge for too long,” He argued back with a smile while you took another bite of your sandwich. “Mmhmm,” You hummed, chuckling to yourself. “I um, have some good news,” Namjoon spoke up after a beat of silence. 

      You raised your eyebrows, signaling him to continue what he was saying. “Your car should be ready to go tomorrow,” He mumbled, and you stopped chewing. Swallowing-more like gulping-you let out a deep breath that you were unconsciously holding. “O-oh? Is that so?” You said, feeling a tad bit disappointed now that you didn’t have an excuse to stay. 

     Namjoon nodded, fiddling with his sandwich. “Yeah, um, I got it fixed up. All good now,” He coughed, feeling unhappy about the thought of you leaving. “That’s good... Thank you Namjoon,” You said back, truly meaning the words, but not having the excitement to put behind them. 

      The two of you continued to eat and chat with this air of uneasiness around you. Neither one of you talking about the possibility of you leaving tomorrow, continuing your journey and forgetting about the adventures you had here. You weren’t quite sure what you wanted to do. On one hand, you had gotten so used to Namjoon and his presence that being without him would be a hard pill to swallow. But on the other hand, you knew that moving to the city where you could get a job was the safer, and more financially wise, option for you. You were stuck between your happiness and your routine normality that you have gotten used to having. 

      You looked at your now fully packed backpack in contempt. The feeling of dread that you got about leaving Bangtan village only increased as the day went on and you prepared for the journey to the next city over. You didn’t want to go, but could you truly stay? What would you do? What would be your source of income? You didn’t know, and not knowing this made you feel anxious. 

      “Are you ready to go?” Namjoon asked you from the doorway. You looked up at him into his golden amber eyes, not saying anything just yet. You thought about the time you shared with Namjoon. The movie nights, dinners, the time in his shop. All seemingly small and domestic things you never thought about in the moment, but now that you're here getting ready to say goodbye to it all, you weren’t ready to. 

      But you didn’t have a choice. Namjoon wasn’t going to let you live with him forever and you didn’t know if anybody in the town needed a writer for anything, so you had to toughen up and say goodbye with tears stinging in your eyes. “Y-yeah, I guess so,” You mumbled. Namjoon nodded, walking you down to the street where your car was running and waiting. 

      You stood there next to Namjoon for a couple moments. Basking in the comfort of his presence as you took a deep breath and let it out with a weak sigh. “I guess this is goodbye,” You whispered, kicking stones that laid on the sidewalk. “I guess it is,” Namjoon replied, pretending to care about the dirt that forever laid in his nail beds.

      Gathering up all the scattered courage you had, you took a couple steps to your car. You were about ready to opening the driver’s side door when Namjoon called out to you. “Y/n! Wait!” He yelled, as he ran down to your side, putting his hand over yours to stop you from opening the door. “I- Y-yes?” You asked, looking at his fiery, determined eyes. “Stay with me,” He begged quietly.

“What?” You gasped. 

“Stay with me Y/n, here, in the village,” 

“Namjoon, you know I can’t-”

      “Why not? If you’re worried about finding a place to stay, we could live together. I’ll get better at cooking, I promise,” Namjoon wavered, taking your hand fully in his. “Please Y/n, I know we may not know each other that well and you had a plan to move into the city and restart your life but... Can you restart it here? With me?” He begged, confident demeanor slowly slipping away. You were stunned into silence, unable to look away from the man beside you as he gave your hand a squeeze.

      “We can continue to have those movie-nights together. The ones where we watch bad horror films that you still get scared at and hide into my arms to get away from the jumpscares,” He said as the two of you chuckled in harmony. “You can teach me how to cook those amazing dishes of yours... We could even get a puppy in the future...” He whispered to you, gradually getting closer. “Please Y/n. Give me a chance to be your second chance. I promise to take care of you,”

“What about a job?” You asked,

      “There’s this newspaper that the town has, or my friend Jimin knows a publisher that you can reach out to. Maybe you can follow your old dream of becoming an author,” He encouraged as he spoke softly to you. “I know this is sudden, and we don’t know each other all that well, but we can get to know each other,” He finished, eagerly awaiting your answer. 

You didn’t have to think twice before nodding your head, wrapping Namjoon in a hug. “You can be my second chance,” 

[mewtonian-physics]

my ranking of the alex rider original series (stormbreaker through scorpia rising) from ‘book i least enjoy rereading’ to ‘book i most enjoy rereading’ let’s goooo

spoilers for all 9 books under the cut

9. Ark Angel

...He went to space. He went to space. Also the entire plot could have been avoided if Drevin had actually bothered to provide a photograph of his son. I’m sure he had one. I still like this book but it’s literally so insane that I just don’t know what to do with it. 

It is however really funny that Webber just goes and gives a speech insulting this super high-profile ecoterrorist group and acts like it’s no big deal and then they kill him. Shock of shocks.

8. Skeleton Key

Okay, points to this book for terrifying the shit out of me. God damn it does that shark scene scare me. Also, points for making me feel a little bit bad for a man who wants to nuke his own country because he thinks it will fix the place up. I’m still not entirely sure how that’s supposed to work, but that’s probably a good thing. I feel like understanding his thought process would say bad things about me. Still, I actually did feel sorry for him, if only a little. Dude was clearly mentally unstable and I doubt his son’s death helped at all. I also got sad about what happened to Carver and Troy. (Yeah, yeah, I’m a cringe fail American who has the American release. So sue me.) What a nightmare that must’ve been to endure... Otherwise, though, I’m not super into this book. The opening is just kind of meh and the way it leads into the rest of the plot seems a little bit unbelievable. Also, this might be an unpopular opinion, but Sabina annoys me. I would not get along with her at all and I can’t imagine her as a girlfriend. Skeleton Key does, however, absolutely excel at the emotional scenes. 

Also, why are all the spy agencies so comfortable with sending in a 14-year-old? Especially when they outright admit that the other attempts have all died horribly? Bureaucracy’s a bitch.

7. Point Blank

Boo, Dr. Grief! Boo! We hate your white supremacy! I’m so glad you got a snowmobile to the face, you deserved it. (Perks of books written by Jewish people--we aren’t afraid to give the neo-Nazis an unpleasant death.) Anyway, this book definitely isn’t bad, but I wouldn’t really say it stands out in the series. It definitely does hammer home the point of just how trapped Alex is, since MI6 isn’t going to just let him go after one mission, and let’s face it, the plot with the clones is creepy as hell, if highly improbable. But I’m largely just here to see the neo-Nazi get snowmobiled. That’s right, I just completely changed the definition of a pre-established word. I’m a rebel.

Also, I hate Fiona Friend so much and overall think she just didn’t need to be in the book, but the line about ‘I’d rather kiss the horse’ made me laugh so hard. Alex, you sass.

6. Snakehead

Okay, let’s talk about how genius the plan in this book is. I love it! I love how Yu wants to kill the people involved in the peace conference without making them into martyrs, so he comes up with this whole elaborate plan to stage a natural disaster. It’s incredible. This dude was thinking so far ahead. And he would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling kid... But anyway, I don’t see a lot of books where the villain really acknowledges that killing their enemies could just cause more problems for them via turning them into martyrs for a cause. Also, the way he’s so polite and soft-spoken while also being a complete monster... This book genuinely gives me chills. Extra bonus points for the part in the hospital, the absolute nightmare of having all your organs slowly removed and sold off and everyone around you is being so nice about it? ‘Oh, don’t worry, Alex, it won’t be so bad. Here, take your medicine. Do you need anything?’ Literally just. What the fuck. 

Also Ash can fucking fight me. You put your own godson in horrible danger on purpose! You killed your best friend! Bastard. 

...And just in case the book wasn’t disturbing enough, Yu’s fate at the end lives in my mind rent-free and I think about it on a concerningly regular basis considering that the chances of that happening to me are so low they’re practically in the negatives. Damn you, Horowitz.

I would also be remiss if I did not mention just how much I love the tagline ‘once bitten, twice spy’.

5. Crocodile Tears

Ah yes, the book that kickstarted my drift away from the church... I kid, of course. I drifted away from the church for completely separate reasons. But Desmond McCain is always going to scare the shit out of me. The ability to kill countless innocent people while blissfully quoting Bible verses (that he takes wildly out of context and uses for his own self-serving means) is... well, I could actually say a lot about what that reminds me of, but I’m here to rate books, not religion. Moving on. This book has some really stellar antagonists, and the plot is chilling in a way that feels a lot more realistic than most of the other books. Even if some of it is a bit farfetched (sabotaging a nuclear power plant? Really?), the idea of using disasters for your own profit... well. I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on why that is so believable. The Poison Dome is also a really cool and chilling scene--even Alex, who has the luck of the devil, can’t get out of that one unscathed. Further scares come in with the fate of Harold Bulman--imagine having your entire existence wiped and your identity changed while you were asleep! The breakdown he has over it is almost enough to make me feel sorry for him, even though he was ready to exploit a teenager and make his life a living hell just to turn a profit. Note the word almost.

Also. The opening makes me cry. Specifically the line talking about how Ravi’s kids would ‘never meet Mickey Mouse’. I lose my goddamn mind every single time I read it. That little personal touch turns the scene from a statistic to a tragedy. Once again: Damn you, Horowitz.

4. Stormbreaker

Yeah, this one gets the special cover shot. And why not? What we are looking at here is the birth of a legend. Move the fuck over, James Bond, Alex Rider is on the scene now. Anyway, yeah, this book is pretty damn spectacular. It has its stumbles, but as the first book in a series, that’s to be expected. Still, it pulls you in from quite literally the first line and keeps you going right up until the end. (If you came here from my post of memes, you know how much the line ‘Killing is for grownups, and you’re still a child’ destroys me.) It has the debut of much-beloved characters such as, of course, Alex--but also Jack Starbright, and of course, the best MI6 agent of them all, which is to say Smithers. Hell, even Yassen Gregorovich, especially once you get through Russian Roulette... Man, that was a rough one. 

Seriously, though. This is a really good book. The scene with the Portuguese man-o’-war still gives me the chills to think about. (Have you ever looked up pictures of those things? They’re beautiful, but holy shit will they make you regret being born. Nature is funny like that.) 

We also get the introduction of, of course, Alex’s patented sass (his response to Sayle saying he relates to the man-o’-war is HILARIOUS) and we get the inherent humor of Alex screwing up an alias one time and then just going by Alex for the rest of the series so he doesn’t do that again. Really, kid, I know you’re not a trained spy or anything but did you never play pretend growing up? Ever? You can’t pretend your name is Felix for a little while? That sounds like a you problem.

3. Scorpia Rising

I distinctly remember when this book came out, actually. I was on vacation at the time, and I remember my brother annoying the hell out of the poor workers at a bookstore we frequented there to see if/when they were going to get it in. They did, finally, and we bought it immediately, and I was of course absolutely desperate to read it. He got to read it first, though. -_-

This is a great book, an absolute emotional rollercoaster all the way through. The way Blunt tricks Alex back into service by staging a shooting was exactly the kind of cold, brutal behavior I’d expect from him. Seeing Julius come back was shocking, but very exciting, too. And Razim makes an incredibly chilling villain, with his absolute disregard for human life and his desire to measure pain. Also, seeing Smithers’s house was so much fun. Smithers in this book was just really fun in general, but he’s really fun in every book, so... nothing unusual there. But also, I want an unwelcome mat. Please?

2. Eagle Strike

‘But Penny,’ you might ask, ‘why is this book so high on your list? It has so much of Sabina in it, and you said she annoys you.’ That is true. What does not annoy me, however, is basically the entire rest of the book. I love the tense opening, and then reading through Alex’s real-life ‘playthrough’ of Feathered Serpent is still one of my favorite scenes. Cray is absolutely incredible as a villain, with the way that he truly believes in his cause--which is undoubtedly a good one! Yet the extremes to which he will go for that cause, and the fact that he very nearly succeeds, are what elevate him to one of the most dangerous villains in the series. That scene with Charlie Roper and the nickels is something I can never seem to stop thinking about. Actually, I think about it basically whenever I think about large amounts of money paid in small increments... 

Also, I really enjoy how he gets into the whole plot in the first place, and I really enjoy Smithers saying ‘ah, fuck it’ and helping him out anyway. Go, Smithers. You once again prove me right in saying that you’re the coolest adult in MI6.

The revelation that Yassen knew Alex’s father is one that absolutely blew my mind first time around. The way his life was threaded into the lives of the Rider family--he worked with John Rider, was saved by him, killed Ian Rider, and then died for refusing to kill Alex Rider--wow. Wow. It gets to me. It really gets to me. This book is a masterpiece. I heard that it’s going to be what the second season of the TV series is based off of, and I’m so hyped for that. We love to see it, we really do.

1. Scorpia

I don’t believe anyone who says this book didn’t get to them at all. I just think they are lying. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to not be affected by this book. God. Just thinking about it reminds me of why I don’t think it’s possible. I mean, come on. We get all this backstory about Alex’s parents, we get tricked along with him into thinking MI6 killed his father, then bam, that was a lie, and Alex may have just fucked himself over big time. Also, that plot is terrifying! (And I bet anti-vaxxers had a field day with it, huh.) Julia Rothman is a really great antagonist, one of the only ones who didn’t go and explain her plan in great detail to Alex--the fact that she didn’t actually being a plot point was something I personally found pretty clever. In general, this book is... I tend to hate when people say they ‘can’t put it down’ because it’s usually an obvious exaggeration, but that really is how I feel reading it.

And again. If that ending didn’t get to you... Well, I just think you are lying.

[hotchley]

the slave of duty: aaron and dave

Surprise guys, I started the conversations series! I have no idea how many there are going to be, but there are several living rent-free in my head, so... we shall see!

Anyways. This is what happened between Aaron and Dave after the end scene of 5x10. It’s mainly dialogue (cos you know, conversations) and there is very little point to it, however, I had fun writing it!

I think that’s everything....

read on ao3!

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, minor character death

“You were right,” Aaron said. They were alone again. Aaron’s hands had been shaking when they were leaving the graveyard. Dave had spotted the tremble before Aaron could hide it.

He tried not to think about the blood that had stained his hands when they had entered the building. He’d never been afraid of Aaron, not even in that moment, but now more than ever he was afraid for him.

Who was supposed to take his hands and convince him that he was alive and human and good and kind now? Haley was dead. Aaron wouldn’t let anyone else touch him. Not now. 

Dave had offered to drive him back to the apartment. Hotch hadn’t even put up a fight. He had just shrugged and gotten into the passenger seat, jaw slightly clenched as he stared out the window.

Jessica and Jack were out. Hotch mumbled something about going to the shops and offered to make coffee. Dave had wanted to say no. He didn’t want to be there, noticing how the carpet didn’t quite fit in one space, or how, if you knew where to look, you could just about make out the bullet hole.

But he knew Aaron. Knew how he would bury his pain the moment his son came through the door. Knew that he would act like he was fine when he returned. If he returned. Rossi knew what Aaron had said just moments ago, but there was still time for him to change his mind.

Aaron did not trust easily. An invitation into his apartment- his apartment and not his home because this was not his home, had never been his home- was an invitation into his heart. His mind. 

Dave was not going to let that get away from him. He had lost the love and trust of so many people in his life, Aaron’s name was not going on that list. So he said sure.

Which was how he find himself clasping a mug of too-hot coffee he didn’t really want as Aaron took a sip of water. One of the few things that would not destroy his stomach.

“Was I? What about?”

“You said that I had a family. And that when we got Foyet, I would have to make a decision, to make sure I didn’t let the purest thing that had ever happened to me get away. But I got so caught up in everything that I never stopped to think, and now...”

Rossi set his mug down. He knew he had always been a little bit dramatic, and the way he went about things was not always the way Aaron wanted them to happen, but this felt different to those occasions.

“Now what?” he prompted.

Aaron looked up, tears forming in his eyes, thumb drawing circles over his knuckles. He look both so much younger and older than he really was. There was a vulnerability in his eyes that Dave hadn’t seen since he first joined, but a heavy sadness that hadn’t been there before.

“I lost my family months ago. But that was a temporary thing. Now she’s not coming back- which is all my fault- and I’m so afraid of hurting my son that I’m going back to the same job that killed her.”

Dave sighed. He should have known that his dramatics would go completely over Aaron’s head. In his opinion, he lost Haley the moment the divorce papers came to the office instead of his house. Because the Haley he knew would never be that cruel. But anger changed people, and she was gone now. He’d like to remember her goodness.

“Aaron,” he said.

The other man looked down. “Dave. Not now.”

“Yes now. Because you didn’t kill Haley. That was Foyet’s decision. You did what you could. And you’re not going to hurt your son. Not in the way you fear you will. But when I said that, all those months ago, I wasn’t talking about Haley. Or Jack.”

“Dave, you said my family,” Aaron said. Even despite the water he was sipping, he had a headache. Dave and his stupid flare for dramatics wasn’t helping either.

"And I meant us. The team. I meant Spencer Reid, who you have always treated as a son. I meant Penelope Garcia, who remembers what your favourite cookies are. I was talking about Jennifer Jareau who reminds you that monsters can be defeated and Derek Morgan who has and always will trust you with his life. I meant Emily Prentiss, who would die before betraying you. I meant me, who has seen you angry and hurting and not flinched. We are the people that loved you unconditionally through everything."

"I-"

"We're your family Aaron. Even if you want to keep your distance because you're scared of hurting us, we love you. We're not walking away or going anywhere. And I know that terrifies you, but it's the truth. When I told you to not tell the purest thing in your life get away, I meant don't lose us."

"But I've already done that," Hotch said. He did not shout. And that, perhaps more than anything that had happened over the past few weeks, hurt David Rossi. Because Aaron wasn't even trying to fight. He had already given up. Already decided that the team could not and would not love him anymore. 

"Have you?"

"Dave, I humiliated Reid for lying about his injuries when I had done the exact same thing. I put myself above the case, days after I made Morgan unit chief, which completely undermined him. I insulted Emily and our friendship, lashed out at Penelope and JJ. I've been a terrible person. Derek had to pull me off a dead man's body. Classic overkill." He laughed as he said the final two words, but there was no humour.

"You did do all of those things. That much is true, yes."

Aaron glared. "That's not exactly convincing me of anything good."

"Because you're not letting me finish. Yes, you fucked up and you did the wrong thing but that doesn't change anything. We still love you. I know what your childhood was like. I know that your parents loving you carried the price of perfection and silence. I know that towards the end, Haley's life carried the price of changing your nature. But we aren't them. One bad thing isn't going to make us run away."

"But it should. I killed a man with my bare hands. Nothing more. We've worked enough cases to know what happens after that. I'm a terrible person."

Dave did not know how to convince Aaron that he was not going to become a case file on their desk. Because the truth was, he was not sure himself. There was every chance that now Aaron had done it once, the urge to do it again would overpower him. He knew what Aaron needed to hear, but he would not lie to him. Not in this moment.

"You are not a terrible person Aaron," he settled on. Because every time he looked at him, he saw the wide-eyed rookie he met in Seattle who just wanted to save the world. But sometimes saving the world was impossible, and right now, the world was Aaron.

"Dave. I'm too much of a coward to be around my son so I'm going back to the same job that killed his mother. The only real parent he ever had."

It was too much. It was just far, far too much. Dave slammed his mug of coffee down on the table, feeling slightly guilty when Aaron flinched at the sound, but not guilty enough to apologise for it. He needed to speak before Hotch fell down the hole of despair.

"Have you been listening to me? Your job did not kill Haley. That was Foyet. And you are not going to hurt your son. Not in the way you think you will."

"How can you be sure?" Aaron asked. 

"Because you are a good man. Because you have fought, every day of your life, to break that cycle of abuse. And you have never stopped fighting for what is good and what is right. Because even when you had just lost the love of your life, you sent your son away out of fear that he would realise what the blood was."

Aaron turned away and Dave knew what had to be said. What had to be done. Because Derek Morgan was an excellent leader, and one day, he would take over that role. But he would do it because it was Aaron Hotchner's time to step away and be with his son. He would not do it because Aaron was scared.

"Haley asked you to teach your son what love was," he said, each word carefully calculated. He needed to say your. Because Aaron still did not view himself as Jack's father, even though everybody else did. Because what Aaron did not understand was that it was not about being perfect. It was about being enough.

Aaron looked at him, mouth parted. He hadn't realised. In all the hurt, panic, emptiness, anger and grief it had never once occurred to him that the team would have heard that last conversation and final confession. It was stupid, but he just hadn't. "She did."

"The best way for you to teach your son about love is to show him what it does to people. It makes them happy. It makes them smile. And sometimes it makes them cry. I know you, Aaron. I know you think that coming back means that you're failing Jack but you won't be. You will be teaching him that family is much more than blood. That when you find your passion you hold onto it. And that love, for better or for worse, can and will be unconditional."

And Aaron shattered.

He slid from the couch to the floor, covering his mouth as sobs wracked his body. It was like all the pain he had been keep inside him since the day George Foyet broke into the same apartment they were sat in and stabbed him finally overwhelmed him. His body shook and his breathing started to sound more choked, but Dave was frozen.

It was only when the coughing started that he managed to force himself to act. He dropped to his knees and sat beside Aaron. He just hoped that he would recognise who was touching him and remember that he was safe.

"Hotch. It's Dave. Breathe with me. Yes, that's it. Okay. You're okay. It's all going to be okay."

Before he was aware of what was happening, Aaron's arms were wrapped around him in a tight and desperate hug. It was almost painful. Dave let it happen. Aaron needed something that was real, and genuine and grounding. The last person he'd held had been Haley, her perfume stained with the scent of blood and her body cold. Dave smelt like expensive aftershave and he was warm and his heartbeat was a comforting drum.

"I just don't get how people as good and kind as the team could love me unconditionally. Haley did her best, but that wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I'm never enough. And I am so fucking terrified that one day, the team are going to realise that, and I will just be alone and broken, like my father always said I would."

There was not time for Dave to explain that it wasn't that his love for Haley wasn't enough, it just wasn't what she needed and that was okay. Because to Aaron, unless he was perfect, he was failing. And he knew that Aaron would not believe him. The only people he would believe about that would have been Haley, but was now Jessica.

"You are enough. You were enough then and you are enough now. The team are never going to think you're not enough because you are. You have given them a family and hope and a purpose. You have done more for them than you will ever understand and they love you. I love you. And on the days where you can't lead, one of them will step in. You've already seen it happen."

"What if I come back and I can't do it? Then what?" Aaron was searching for a reason now. Any reason that would mean the team would not love him the way Dave believed they would.

"Then we will support you. And we will miss you, but we will let you go because sometimes that is what love is. But we won't hate you. Or resent you. We'll stll just be a phone call away because we are your family. And it's not always pretty. Sometimes it's ugly."

"Do you promise you won't hate me?"

Dave had always been slightly different to the team. He had always been the one Aaron went to. The one that could talk him down and convince him that he had done the right thing. He had watched Aaron grow and harden and break. He had taught him that the palm pressed to his cheek was an action of love and given him the title of lead profiler. He'd been a coward after the Boston Reaper as he left Aaron to pick up the pieces. But he'd returned when Jason Gideon left without saying goodbye to the men that had held the team together. One through their ability as a leader, the other through their ability as a friend.

When Dave thought of the months between Jason's departure and his return, he thought of the toll it must have taken on Derek. He was the one that had provided the emotional comfort Aaron had been too closed off to give, even though he was battling his own anger at being left.

"I promise Aaron, on everything that I hold sacred."

Aaron relaxed against him, leaning back against the couch. Dave took the glass from the table and tilted his chin, forcing Aaron to take small sips. When half the glass was emptied, he took the glass and placed it on the table once more.

"Thank you," he whispered, voice still a little hoarse.

"You're welcome," was Dave's response. It was easier than having to explain that Aaron did not need to be grateful.

"By the way, I expect your paperwork from the most recent case on my desk by Monday," Aaron added, a slight grin on his face.

"I'd expect nothing less," Dave said, ruffling Aaron's hair slightly.

They were going to be okay.

[navigatrixnarrations]

Sometimes Always, Chapter 1: Thieves Alley

The first chapter of a canon divergent kind-of fix-it set after Season 3 as encouraged by @whenimaunicorn. The beginning looks familiar because I posted it as a WIP, but it continues.

Warnings: Canon-typical violence and profanity

Words: 2034

Charles Vane once heard that a man can only truly possess that which he cannot lose in a shipwreck. For all the times he’s had to run with nothing but his life in his hands, and those times are many, this most recent is the hardest to bear.

The late autumn sleet beats against the drafty window of his rented room by the wharves. Nor'easters, he learned these storms are called, blowing in off the Atlantic, bringing traffic in the harbor to a standstill and turning the muddy streets into debris-strewn rivers.

Until recently, he spent his entire life in the heat of the West Indies. New York City is cold and unceasingly raw. Its damp chill seeps into his bones and makes old injuries ache damnably. Vane finds himself taking a liking to these storms anyway; they match his mood.

Perhaps he should head to the tavern where he works instead of huddling by the small fire trying to ignore the past. The tavern owner is a freedman, known to give a hand to other former slaves. All Vane had to do was show the brand on his chest and scowl a little, and he was given a job as a bouncer. The irony of it: Charles Vane, notorious scourge of the seas, reduced to breaking up drunken brawls and preventing grown men from pissing on the floor under an assumed name. Still, he’s alive and free, right under the noses of the fucking English…

He’s definitely being followed. He dislikes being followed. He turns to see that several of the tavern-goers are coming toward him, an assortment of weapons in hand. He dryly thinks that times must be hard indeed if they intend to rob him of his pay; split several ways it wouldn’t even be enough for a mug of ale each. A pistol goes off, grazing a leg just barely recovered from the last time he was shot, and Vane staggers. His attackers are nearly upon him when a slightly-built figure leaps between them. A low-pitched female voice, an oddly familiar voice, calls out something in what Vane recognizes as Dutch. There is laughter from the others, and they withdraw.

The woman approaches, her hands empty, reaching down to assist him. He gets the impression of large eyes in an angular face, a dark coat wrapped tight against the mist. Is it? Can it be?

She looks at him as if seeing a ghost, albeit a ghost with whom she is slightly cross. Then she remembers herself. “Charles.” Her expression turns wry. “Did I hear them refer to you as ‘Mr. Thatch’ back there at the tavern?”

He checks her face for any sign of fury, and sees none. “I can’t very well go by my own name now, can I, Miss Teach.”

“It’s Mrs. Sullivan now. And no, I suppose you can’t. I’m sure my father wouldn’t mind you using one of his last names; you’re more his child than I ever was.” Her tone is matter-of-fact, without bitterness.

He forces a levity to his voice that he does not feel. “So you married Sully? How is he, anyway?” At least she wedded a brave man and a kind one.

She shuts her eyes slowly, shakes her head, then reopens them. “He’s been dead three years. Took a bullet to the head in a raid.”

“Margaret, I’m…”

“Save the platitudes, Charles. They don’t suit you.” She looks tired, her eyes far away. “He was right beside me when it happened. He died free and he didn’t suffer.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that. What can he possibly say to that. Memories of the three of them as teenagers, skylarking in the rigging of the Revenge. Vane was the strongest, Margaret was the fastest, and Sully, well, Sully was acrobatic and fearless. And Sully made her laugh, something she did far too seldom. Vane envied him that ability.

She turns her sharp gaze back to him. "If you’re wondering what I said to your new friends back there, I told them that while it is clear that the only thing you use your head for is growing hair, entering Thieves Alley alone as you did with a pocket full of coin, it would be cruel to deprive you of it."

In spite of himself, he huffs out a short laugh. She’s studying him, and he thinks she sees the question that he cannot bring himself to ask aloud. I missed you. Did you miss me?

“My last words to you were cruel.” She takes a deep breath, steeling herself. “I regret them. I’m glad I have the opportunity to tell you so.” Why did I get you out of there if you’re going to go do her bidding, be her attack dog? She doesn’t love you, Charles, she’s incapable of loving anyone. And now you’re walking right back into another kind of slavery and it was all for nothing. If I never see you again, it will be too soon. She jumped into one of the longboats and never once looked back at him as the men rowed it out to the ship. He wanted to call out to her to stay, that he changed his mind, but youthful stupid pride made the words stick in his throat. In the end he watched her climb the rope ladder to the Revenge, watched her sail out of Nassau Harbor, watched her disappear over the horizon...

Vane holds her gaze because he’s certain that she would not welcome him holding her body. “Everything you said to me was true, though I couldn’t see that at the time. You had every reason to hate me.”

Margaret tilts her head to one side. “I never hated you, though I tried. Never even resented you, really.” She sighs. “I resented my father for wanting a son so badly that he all but ignored me once you arrived, and I resented the hell out of myself for trying so hard to win his approval.” She pauses. “You’re shivering.”

He starts to deny it but Margaret rolls her eyes at him. “Yes, I know, you’re tougher than the rain and wind and you’re made out of pain and hunger, but you’re not dressed for this climate. Let’s get you in front of a fire. I didn’t come to your aid yet again for you to catch consumption in fucking stinking Thieves Alley.” Vane knows better than to argue with her when she takes that tone.

He falls into step beside her and follows her through a series of alleyways, up some back stairs to a garret. It’s two rooms, sparse but clean, a fire burned down to embers in the small hearth. She drags two chairs and a small table closer to the fireplace and gestures for him to sit while she sets about stoking the fire. He finds himself admiring the quiet confidence with which she moves, the deft precision of her hands. That hasn’t changed. The wooden chair feels like heaven after a night on his feet, and the fire quickly warms the small room. He slouches back and stares into the flames while Margaret bustles around, hanging her coat on a peg, boiling the kettle. Unconsciously, the fingers of one hand worry at the scar on his neck left by the hangman’s noose. It’s slight, but it’s there. In most ways he’s recovered from his brief hempen jig. He can sometimes go hours without thinking of it, but there will always be reminders. Much, Vane muses, like his years sailing with Edward Teach and daughter.

Everything hurt. The latest flogging from the taskmaster tore his back open from shoulder to waist, and he could barely stand. His whole body was wracked with fever. He heard a girl’s voice, and a man’s voice, both unfamiliar, distorted-sounding, and then he was being carried. He must have lost consciousness; when he came to, the whole world was swaying and he heard the creaking of boards, waves lapping against the...hull? Why was he on a ship? Had he been sold again? And then a girl about his own age was looking down at him with a grave expression, her hair in a braid and her big eyes curious. “Where am I?” he asked her. “You’re on the Revenge,“ she said, and, seeming to intuit his next question, she added “you’re free now. We’re all free here. We’re pirates.” There was pride in her voice and her posture at that last. He later learned he was free because Margaret Teach talked her father into taking him with them.

In the silence that has fallen between them, his stomach growls. He tries to ignore it, but she’s heard. She fetches bread and cheese from a box on the windowsill, a bottle of rum, and a pair of dented tin mugs into which she pours tea, putting it all on the table between them.

That’s what seemed off. She’s wearing a dress, and it’s all wrong. It flatters her well, but it’s all wrong. A proper pirate like her, dressed like a merchant’s wife.

Margaret raises an eyebrow at the look on his face. “It isn't poisoned, Charles” she says dryly as she pours rum into her tea. “If I wanted you dead, you’d be dead by now. I wouldn’t waste good rum.”

He takes the offered bottle and adds a heavy pour to his own tea, then takes a sip and lets it burn all the way down to his belly. “Thrown your lot in with civilization, have you?”

“No.” Her knuckles whiten on the edge of the table and she scowls. “I fucking hate it here.”

He reaches over and places a hand on hers, and is gratified when she doesn’t pull it away. “You’re like me, Magpie. We belong at sea.”

“We do.” Her voice is quiet, wistful. “Nobody’s called me that since Sully died.”

Sully grinned at the way Margaret's eyes tracked the doubloon that Vane set dancing back and forth across his knuckles. “You’re a magpie, that’s what you are.”

“ What’s a magpie?” she asked.

“Very clever little bird, a bit like a crow. They’ll steal anything that catches their eye, especially if it’s shiny, and they’ll have a go at birds of prey many times their size. They live in England.”

Margaret curled her lip. “Fuck England.”

“Fuck England,” Sully agreed. “Rest of it suits you, though.”

Vane thought it was apt for the clever dark-haired pirate girl. His fierce little Magpie.

She turns her hand over in his and gives it a brief squeeze. “I don’t mind you calling me that.” They finish their meal in silence, but it almost feels like the silence of old times. As in old times, it’s easy to fall back into task organizing without needing to discuss it much; he clears up the remnants of their meal while she makes up a cot for him near the hearth.

He hadn’t expected her to invite him to her bed, not really; she never did in the past, and the disastrous choices he made when he was a young man likely destroyed any chance of that in the future. They’re no longer children with a habit of falling asleep in a pile among coils of rope like a litter of alley cats between their watches. But now, all these years later, they’re reunited. It will have to be enough.

From the other room, he hears a sob, quickly stifled. Vane knows Margaret doesn’t want him to know she’s crying, perhaps wants it less even than he wants her to cry, yet how can he ignore the pain she’s in? He tries her door, only to find she’s bolted it from within. He returns to his cot. Eventually sleep takes him, and by some mercy, he does not dream.