#now its time to save up for either skadi

[themostancientdreams]

EHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEH IVE BEEN WAITING FOREVER TO FINALLY SEE MY DEAR CHARLIE

Oh yeah and decided to get everyone else too (except for Constantine, sorry)

Also charlie is np2 🙂

[actualbird]

Honestly I feel a lot of Korean things got popular around 2017 out of seemingly nowhere. I try to pinpoint when and how they became popular and come up empty. It's kind of strange. Definitely not complaining though because a lot of it is very good.

Yeah I imagine soju still tastes strongly of alcohol because I can very much smell it. Even when the other flavours are added and I can smell other stuff it only makes my brain associate it with scented soap which is extremely sad because I do want to at least try it. I might try your suggestion though, it sounds quite interesting.

The sped up timeline kind of hurts. I felt my soul leave my body for RRG part 1 because I had been aiming for Vyn's RRG card and all the anniversary cards but now potentially a lot of time to save s chips just got taken away. I mean it was kind of for nothing when Skadi rolled around because apparently I don't like really romantic lines unless Vyn says them and the twitter preview kind of bit me there, but still. I should be able to get bday 2 though because not many of these year's banners interest me which means I'll absolutely have enough s chips unless one of the cards has a ton of lore.

With gacha games I've kind of developed this strange habit of absorbing spoilers from everywhere else but waiting to see the nuances in the actual story. It's definitely served me well because stuff like Luke's Shape of You ending hit harder when I read it for myself with the context instead of seeing it posted without context but it very much gets in the way when I have bad luck and cards don't come home. I'll probably cave for Vyn's RRG if I don't get it honestly, that card feels too important to skip.

MARIUS ROLLING A D20 DFJXG. Does he just roll it every time he visits Vyn until he gets the nat20. Honestly it might work a nat20 makes you feel invincible sometimes. Whenever you write that dnd au I will very happily read through and scream about it.

🌌

a lot of it is very good!!!! maybe theres a reason, maybe theres none, but either way, i am thankful for soju entering the global market HAHA. and YEEEAA it's a great drink mix!! theres like, set recipes online for the ratio of sprite + yakult to add to the soju, but i just mix by taste. i personally put a looooot of sprite cuz i like the sweetness haha. if ever u try it out, i hope u enjoy it :DDD

also apparently soju has a shitton of alcohol content in it based on ihavenotfallenyet's reply KJBKJSDK I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW

my siblings drink soju on its own holy fuck. theyre so strong, stronger than i ever will be

the sped up timeline hurts me too :(((( not so much bc of s-chips tho bc im not too bothered honestly about not getting cards even if i want them since like, all the story will be available on yt after a day (thank u uploaders). im mostly hurt bc the out of order events jarred me irt to story development, MOST ESPECIALLY WITH MARIUS. i swear, when i was playing his route in RRG i was like. what. whats going on. why r u so nice, why is MC SO NICE, i know theyll get to a point i their relationship that is this point, but the necessary build up (which happened originally in xmas partyland and skadi that originally preceded it) hadnt happened yet ksjdbgksjd

ohhhh same-ish feel on wanting to go thru the story urself!!! same same!!! i just have a non-existent impulse control JKBKSJKGS back in like, october, i said to myself "okay im not watching any of the cn server future content" and then i broke after 1 week. not too bothered tho, that was my own doing sjdksdjks

and marius rolls the d20 he keeps in his pocket at all times for like, whatever random reason. he likes rolling high but even when he doesnt, he has confidence in his base charisma score

sucks for him tho cuz that wont always get him out scot free since im preeeeetttyyy sure that

vyn's perception modifier is high as it can possibly get

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #100: Helena Blavatsky

It’s finally here, the one hundredth build of this series! I wonder what big-name servant we’re making for the milestone! Merlin? Skadi?

Alright, we can work with that.

Today on Fate and Phantasms’ 100th episode, we’re making the pint-sized powerhouse Helena Blavatsky! With the help of her Mahatmas, Helena is a useful all-around caster who can also blast enemies with beams of light from unidentified flying objects.

Check out her build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!

Next up: Chaldea’s next top backpack

Race and Background

Like most servants, Helena is probably a human (or revenant, if you want to nitpick), but you’re small for an adult, look way younger than you really are, and are something of an eccentric, so all that points to being a Gnome. Specifically, Rock Gnomes are tinkerers and geniuses, and that will give you +2 Intelligence and +1 Constitution; Darkvision; Gnome Cunning, giving you advantage on all intelligence, wisdom, and charisma saves against magic, Artificer’s Lore, doubling your History proficiency when figuring out magical, alchemical, or technological items, and the Tinker ability, which lets you spend an hour to make small clockwork items. The Clockwork Toy that you can make this way will make your first Colonel Olcott, but we’ll get more impactful ways to make them later.

You’re a Cloistered Scholar, giving you proficiency in History so your Lore can actually be used for something, and Arcana because you’re literally a caster.

Ability Scores

Your highest ability score should be Intelligence- You get a lot of your power from the Mahatmas, but you still have to do your fair share of studying to make it work as well as you do. Second highest is Charisma. You study the world, but you also have your own way of seeing the world, and it’s so pervasive it actually effects how things work. After that is Dexterity; you’re small and clearly don’t wear armor. After that is Constitution, mostly because everything else is worse. Your Wisdom is pretty low, having your own filter on the world kind of skews your ability to see the hard facts. However, you’re really bad at Strength. We don’t need it, and you don’t have it.

Class Levels

1. Warlock 1: Congratulations on signing on with Mahatma Inc., your leading source for arcane power! Lorewise, the Mahatmas would probably be Archfey or Great Old Ones, but we need a patron that can make you fly and fire massive flaming blasts of light, and that’s the Efreeti to a T. When you sign up with them, you get Pact Magic, spell slots that regenerate on short rests. You can use these slots to cast Spells using your Charisma as the casting ability. You also get a Genie’s Vessel, a tiny object you can vanish inside of once per long rest thanks as a Bottled Respite. While you’re holding the item you can also use your Genie’s Wrath to add fire damage to an attack roll-based damage equal to your proficiency bonus once per turn. Finally, you get proficiency in Wisdom and Charisma saves, as well as Nature and Religion checks. You study the world around you to find more signs of the Mahatmas, so you’ve gotten pretty good at it.

Like most casters, Helena’s spell list shouldn’t be taken as gospel- she’s a very versatile caster, so feel free to mix things up. Really, this is true of every part of every build we make, but especially your magic.

Anyway, grab Eldritch Blast for some caster balls, Mage Hand to move the colonel around, Comprehend Languages because I doubt the Mahatmas speak common, and Burning Hands for a bit of fire power.

2. Wizard 1: Warlocks are great, but they don’t really get many spell slots. Wizards are way more your speed right now anyway. At first level, you get Spellcasting, another set of spell slots that can cast Intelligence based spells. The number of spell slots you get here don’t mix with your warlock slots, but your wizard slots can be used for warlock spells and vice versa. You also get an Arcane Recovery- once per day, you can recover a number of spell slots with a combined level total of half your wizard level rounded up. I know this is a wild concept, but don’t worry, you’ll be fine.

For wizard spells, grab Fire Bolt, Ray of Frost, and Magic Missile for even more caster balls, Prestidigitation, Silent Image, Feather Fall, and Detect Magic for utility, as well as Sleep, and Silent Image to avoid combat where possible.

3. Warlock 2: Now that we doubled your spellcasting ability, we should be able to sling a few more spells as we work with the Mahatmas. Second level warlocks get Eldritch Invocations, which you can use to customize your workplace experience. Save one for later, but pick up Armor of Shadows now to save you a lot of spell slots down the road.

You also get Cause Fear, instilling fear in a single creature that fails a wisdom saving throw (its DC is 8 plus your charisma modifier plus your proficiency bonus). This is more of a “why not” spell than anything else, but it’s more things you can do.

4. Warlock 3: Third level warlocks get a Pact Boon, and the Pact of the Tome gives you a fancy new spellbook. This gives you three cantrips from any spell list, and act like warlock spells for you. Grab Guidance and Spare the Dying for even more versatility, as well as... hm, let’s say Thorn Whip, why not. You can also grab the invocation Book of Ancient Secrets, learning two ritual spells from any spell list, but you can only cast them as rituals. You can add other ritual spells to the book as you adventure, but it will cost you time and money to do so. Grab Find Familiar to make a more magical Colonel, and Unseen Servant for another way to carry your clockwork colonel around.

If you don’t want to wait around 10 minutes for one Colonel, you can also cast Flock of Familiars using your regular spellcasting to make up to three of them instead.

5. Warlock 4: Use your first Ability Score Improvement to power up your Charisma for better warlock spells. Speaking of, you also get Minor Illusion as a cantrip this level, as well as Scorching Ray.

6. Wizard 2: You didn’t think we were done with wizard, did you? The Mahatmas may have given you a cool book, but your hard work will take it to the next level as an Order of Scribes wizard. You can make a Wizardly Quill to magically erase your writing and drastically shorten the time it takes to copy spells, from two hours per level to two minutes. You can also use it to make an Awakened Spellbook. I’m pretty sure this could be the same book your warlock spells are kept in, but the final say’s up to your DM. This spellbook can act as your focus, swap damage types between wizard spells that share a level, and speed up a ritual cast from the spellbook once per long rest. 

You also pick up Charm Person and Catapult this level.

7. Warlock 5: Your spell slots go up a level and you pick up a new invocation. Grab Eyes of the Rune Keeper to make sense of the Mahatma’s teachings, and Magic Circle to protect an area from extraplanar forces. Or lock said extraplanar forces in place.

8. Warlock 6: Sixth level warlocks get a new spell, and Thunder Step gives you some extra mobility and damage. You also get an Elemental Gift from the Mahatmas, giving you resistance to fire damage, and a flying speed that you can use for 10 minutes per long rest per point of you proficiency bonus. It doesn’t say you can fly thanks to a UFO, but it doesn’t not say that, so go with what your heart says.

9. Wizard 3: Third level wizards get second level spells. Enlarge/Reduce and Web are great ways to control enemies, either shrinking them down to near uselessness or sticking them in a trap while the rest of the party sets up for hurting them.

10. Wizard 4: Use this ASI to become an Elemental Adept. You’ve got a lot of different kinds of spells, but your biggest and flashiest are Fire damage based, so this will let you ignore fire resistance, and all damage dice rolled count as at least a 2. To celebrate, grab Flaming Sphere for an Unidentified Flaming Object, as well as Hold Person and Gust to keep people over the fires and fan the flames, respectively.

11. Wizard 5: Fifth level wizards get third level spells. Clairvoyance gives you even more utility, and Counterspell is just a good spell in general.

12. Wizard 6: You can now Manifest Mind, creating another kind of Colonel that can telepathically share information with you, and can act as the source of your spells a number of times per long rest equal to your proficiency bonus. You have to use your bonus action to move it around, but it’ll remain operational at a range of 300′. You can make a Colonel this way once per long rest, or by spending a spell slot to do so.

13. Warlock 7: Seventh level warlocks get fourth level spells. There isn’t any pressing need here, so grab Phantasmal Killer, why not. You also get the Far Scribe invocation, allowing you to cast Sending to creatures who have written their name in your book without spending materials or a spell slot. You can save a number of names in your book up to your proficiency bonus.

14. Warlock 8: Let’s get Blight for the hell of it. You also get another ASI, round up your Dexterity and Intelligence for stronger wizard spells and a higher AC.

15. Warlock 9: For your fifth level spell, grab Flame Strike for a very solid UFO beam that deals fire and radiant damage. You can also make an Ascendant Step to cast Levitate on yourself at will. It’s a concentration spell, but at least it can break your fall if your Elemental Gift runs out at an inopportune time.

16. Warlock 10: Tenth level genie warlocks make a Sanctuary Vessel for themselves and allies. When you enter your Bottled Respite, up to five willing creatures can come with you. Also, staying in the vessel for at least 10 minutes acts as a short rest, and they gain additional healing if they spend hit dice in the vessel.

17. Warlock 11: At eleventh level, warlocks get a Mystic Arcanum, letting them cast a sixth level spell once per long rest. Grab True Seeing to unlock the mysteries of the world around you.

18. Warlock 12: Use your last ASI to bump up your Charisma for stronger warlock spells, and grab the invocation Eldritch Mind to make concentration a bit easier on you.

19. Warlock 13: Thanks to your seventh level Mystic Arcanum, you can now Plane Shift to the realm of the Mahatmas (Genies)!

20. Warlock 14: Your capstone level allows you to make a Limited Wish, thanks to the Mahatmas. You can cast a spell though your Vessel without using a spell slot or any components. The only requirements are that is is 6th level or lower and takes 1 action to cast. You can use this every 1d4 long rests.

Pros:

You are an unparalleled spellslinger, especially among warlocks. You can cheat spells out with wishes and rituals, regain more than your fair share on short rests, and mess around with how your spells work by swapping damage types or casting them through the colonel. You can also make some funky travel arrangements by combining mage hand, the colonel, and your Genie’s Vessel. Multiclassing with Wizard also comes with the added benefit of being able to copy spells down on top of learning them normally- thanks to your warlock slots, you can still copy wizard spells up to 5th level.

Mixing these casting classes together, plus your normal Gnome abilities, make your Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma saves very solid, preventing you from being charmed, frightened, or thrown into another plane.

Being able to fly is awesome. Being able to fly as a squishy wizard is even better. Being able to fly without concentration is nearly broken.

Cons:

Mixing spellcasters also leaves you without 9th level spells. Jury-rigged transport is cool and all, but it doesn’t beat just getting wish normally.

You have Low HP, so if you end up fighting someone who can shoot you out of the sky, you’re going to have a bad time. It’s also really hard to not look like the biggest target when you just burned a hole in the world with a UFO.

You rely on a lot of fragile knickknacks to make this build work- your vessel and all three kinds of colonels (mind, clockwork, and familiar) all have even lower HP than you have, and affect your ability to function to varying degrees.

[kaibutsushidousha]

What do you think of Karna, Scathach and Arash?

I can tell you really like the strong greater mythological heroes. Anyways here it goes.

Karna is a character I was introduced to through /Apocrypha and E Pluribus Unum, so I initially found him really boring. His whole deal is that he can see through people’s hearts and intents without lies, but this trait leaves him too empathetic to hold any moral standards. He sees absolutely anyone as acceptable. This combined with the traditional warrior values of loyalty enable him to be easily thrown into the role good guy on the villain’s side in every story he appeared, or at least that’s what I thought.

He sees through the villain and goes “I understand your motives. That’s respectable. I’ll help you.”, then he meets the heroes and goes “I understand your motives. That’s respectable, but sorry, I already sworn my loyalty to that other guy first. Can’t change sides just because.” Edison’s Karna and Amakusa’s Karna were really hard to engage with because he was just a mega powerful tool with no relevant opinions.

What made me open my eyes to Karna’s charms was, of course, playing CCC. Karna is a character very carefully designed specifically to show off the best in Jinako’s character, and Jinako is a character very carefully designed specifically to show off the best in Karna’s. That’s what makes them my favorite Master-Servant pair nowadays, but it’s also what made Karna so hard to use without her.

Due to his upbringing, Karna is a helpless believer of the notion that all lives have different values, but due to his ability to empathize with literally everyone, he claims that lacks the talent to appraise people, as he ends up seeing everyone as having the same value even though he “knows” this is “not true”. With Jinako, instead of making him a mindless villain supporter, this trait is used to portray Karna as the person who value and validates a person who never felt valid in her life, but without turning it into an otaku power fantasy because Jinako is a side character and Karna’s brutal honesty means Jinako is still not allowed to ignore her flaws and devolve even further into her NEET persona.

CCC Karna’s takes what made him uninteresting in his other two major stories and twists into a beautiful and powerful message about how everyone has a place in the world no matter how useless they feel, which ties amazingly into Yuga Kshehtra’s themes later on. Yuga Kshehtra is all about Altjuna trying to eliminate everything that’s flawed, until the heroes defeat him by exploiting their own flaws, creating tactics that no unflawed being could accomplish. Karna left in CCC saying that even if Jinako really was nobody, there’s still someone out there waiting for, and those words got the perfect pay-off in Jinako’s role in the Divine Skyrock operation.

I guess I also have to acknowledge that his Christmas was fun, but Karna was always good for comedy. It’s only in his serious scenes that he struggles a bit when he’s not paired with Jinako.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scathach is one character I absolutely loved from the superficial traits on her introduction. Her design is still one of the most gorgeous Fate/ has ever produced (though all Koyama designs generally tend to be), the concept of her having evolved so much that she became immortal and decided to raise her own killer is really metal, and her battle animations with multiple Gae Bolgs gave me chills when I first saw them. I honestly believed for a long time that Scathach would be my favorite FGO character.

However, to this day, Scathach’s only major story appearance was in E Pluribus Unum, where all she really does is making a fool of herself in her fight against Cú Alter. Her entire character concept is so full of promise, and now 5 years later she still hasn’t managed to deliver in any of it. We have yet to see Scathach being any impressive, either as warrior or as a mentor.

A huge aggravating factor to the Scathach problem is Skadi existing. Skadi gets an amazing and fascinating star role as a Lostbelt King, being a seemingly almighty anti-violence presence that serves as much of an obstacle to Ophelia as she is an obstacle to Chaldea, and a sympathetic figure struggling to preserve a doomed world; and outside of her Lostbelt, she still gets to be fun and useful in many other ways. I have absolutely no complaints about Skadi, but her Scathach does feel like the writers completely gave on the original and felt like the only way to salvage Scathach was turning her into a completely different character.

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Fate/ as whole is very concerned with the question of what is a hero, in its most idealized form, and I personally believe Arash’s character is their most complete and concise answer at the moment. Arash is entirely selfless, but in a lively way that inspires individuality. Helpful and empathetic, but never becoming a crutch to anyone. Friendly, but always lonesome. Willing and ready to sacrifice himself to save people and end conflicts, but strongly unaccepting of other people sacrificing themselves.

Arash is, above all else, someone who understands people and understands sacrifice. Since self-sacrifice is his trump card, he’s always conscious of when sacrifice is meaningful and when it isn’t. It helps a lot that his Clairvoyance is so high ranked that he can see the entire city of Tokyo, and openly read anyone he faces. Arash shines the brightest in his interactions with Elsa, Bedivere, and Mordred, as they’re all hiding a lot of trauma (some a lot more subtly than others), and trying to use the concept of “sacrificing themselves to do good” as an excuse to kill themselves. That doesn’t work because Arash can easily see through them, and can’t stand this attitude. Arash will inevitably scold them on it, and eventually demonstrate what a meaningful sacrifice really is.

[penaltybox14]

DecoFiremen: No happy choice

@zeitheist @darknight-brightstar @squad51goals @its-skadi  Silky is sick in the city, and Josiah has to make some choices, and have some conversations.  Emotions are hard, yo.

It's never good, to see that look on Eddy's face.  His fighter's jaw is set, but his eyes are soft like ships on a dark harbor.  This is the face that bodes bad news, something Eddy can't fix with his hands, a hot cup of coffee or a knock about the ears.  When Josiah sees that look, after breakfast one late winter's day, the first thing he thinks is the state has come to call on Davey again.  He'd taken them in his teeth that day at the gate, and thought if not rid of them altogether, he'd bought them enough time to think of how to put them off for good.  It did wake him, though, to watch the high moon paint his quarters and fear the state might come back, with papers, with authority, with some force he could not bluff. 

(If they were to take Cleary now, he thinks, the boy would be lost forever.  He would be some shadow growing thinner and paler on the back ward of the state hospital, he would settle sure as smoke in that long dark hall of his or drown in the lake below the lawn.  For sure, he would.)

"No," Eddy says, his raw knuckles flexing, catching the rattle of Josiah's thoughts, "no, it ain't the young fella."

"So what is it, then?  You hear from town there's none left of those hot peppers the grocer pickles, that you eat whole from the stem?" 

Josiah's humor falls as flat and pale as vellum in the typewriter, gnawed down by keystrokes.

"Got a telegram from the city, Birchy."  Eddy grips the butcher-block of the back kitchen's table, leans, uprights, and leans again.  "Silky's gone down sick."

"Sick." Josiah has to steady himself.  His bad leg throbs like a bad dream that upends the day.  "Gone down sick?  Who sent it?"

"Hastings at 27.  He's at casualty down at Bellevue, thinking it's pneumonia."

He cannot go.  He cannot go: he is responsible here, the Captain of this house, their grounds.  He cannot go: to leave his post, to leave the lads, to leave the boy.  Worst of all, that: to leave the boy.  What kind of captain would he be then, to leave the newest and the rawest of recruits, who still trembles under the blunt wind of the sear and some days even falls to it?  Some damn bastard, he would be, but his heart and his bent leg howl as the breath of horses, carrying him surely to the city.  He was a coward once who left a hundred thousand words unanswered, the great sulk of an overgrown child.  It was not Silky's fault, was it, after all, that the roof had caved, that his body had broken under the greedy teeth of the timbers? 

But he had never told Silks that, had he.  And he could, now.  He could have the chance to say it again. 

"It's an awful long way, to the city."

"I haven't seen him since the promotion."

"You'd be leaving the boy."

"I know it."

"Do you?"

"I do know it, Eddy."

"Took you how long to answer a simple letter?  How long would you plan on staying?  Til he was well?  Til the dark took him?"

What a bitter kick in the chest, the fury rising up inside him so hard it makes his eyes water.  "Silks isn't going to die.  He didn't die in that damn fire and he won't now."

"If'n you go, Birch, I'll drive you to the station.  But you'll tell Lufty and Monroe and the lads, and most of all, young Cleary, where you're off to."

Lufty, he knows, will understand.  Lufty and Monroe both, are men who have swallowed smoke and coughed out grief in spatters on the sidewalk, ribs heaving under the weight of it.  Josiah was not the first fireman to be ground hard in the blaze's splintering teeth, he will not be the last. 

Though some days he feels as if he is the only fool to lose a brother by his own carelessness and greedy fury.  Fool, to lie shattered, dry and cracked and thirsty for the safe embrace of brick walls and floorboards that creak with midnight steps and men who roll over in starched sheets and roll over again.  Fool that Silks had sat for, holding the hand without the needle, speaking to him from far away through the ether and the lazy dream-fields of poppies and long sunshine.

But the boy, god, the boy. 

Whatever he does, he can't spare the boy.  Would that he could.  For his sear to have broke before his voice, the boy ought to be allowed to live a life of perfect grace, running the field with the lads and catching perch down in the pond, every line charged, every ladder strong, every jake out clear. 

Silks or Davey, he thinks, what'll it be, what choice do I have?

The sun sprawling across the yard has taken on the keener brass of springtime - the snow is still deep, the ice still thick enough to drive a double hitch onto, but the turn of the earth is winning out as she always does.  The lads sweat at their work - Lufty and Monroe have let ladders and ropes ice overnight, and each exercise begins with a clamor of ideas on how to handle the frozen gear.  Bertram and Jules are keen to lead, while Kitson, Jacob, and Lee, the newest lot, scamper about and skitter like fawns.  How funny, to see from the broad steps, that Davey knows nearly as much as a half-year, though he has not the strength yet.  He will, though.  There is an awkward, coltish grace about him.  Something he has not grown into.  Josiah woke one night when the sky was half-silver with stars and Davey was standing in his quarters like a ghost-child, the sear singing in their bones.  A long way to grow, that one.  A long, fine way.

Lufty catches him after lunch.  Lufty is harder at the edges, often, than Eddy has ever been.  Even when Josiah was still stiff about the collar in his new kit, Eddy was all bluff, and quick to mild.  Eddy would brawl for any jake among them.  Lufty was tougher to read, even after he was on the boards.  Lufty Parker was burned once, and badly, in a fire at the piers in Chelsea.  His scars creep up the side of his neck, and cup the back of his head like a brief and tender lover.  They invite no dormitory tales, only an edgy kind of sorrow.  Josiah had heard, in his rook year, that three men had plunged into the East River, but just one had come up.  The oakbellies, he had been told, had tried to make Lufty a captain, and he'd refused to show up for the ceremony.  They'd tried to make him a battalion chief, and he'd hopped the first train to Troy. 

So he had been told.

But Lufty knows the white rooms and white coats at Bellevue and the casualty ward.

"There's not no happy choice to make, Birchy," Lufty says to him in his office.

 "It's just not gonna be so.  That said, it's not about if you goes, I think, it's about if you're coming back."

"You think I won't?"

"I know you will.  But it's not me what needs convincing."

Josiah sighs.  His leg is tight, aching, and he ought to stretch it out.  But he's afraid if he ventures out now, he'll run into Davey, breathless with some discovery.  "What am I supposed to say to him, Luft?"

"To Silks or the boy?"

"Either one."

"I couldn't say.  When I went into the river, I thought we'd all come out.  We had a fire at our heels and the river below us, and the last thing I remember before spitting up black water on the cobbles was Matty taking my elbow and Tom saying it'd be alright."

He's never heard this story, not from Lufty's taut lips and clenched teeth, so he stills like a boy in church and lets the old memory - the smell of creosote, and the greasy river, the snapping pilings and the blinding smoke - shiver on the air and fall as motes of golden dust.  The worst was not the plunge, was it, but the waking.

Alone. 

It's going to hurt them both, but crueler for the boy.

After Lufty leaves him to his battered thoughts, he sits at his desk until the dusk unravels into night.  The dinner mess bell clangs.  The lads thunder about downstairs like wild horses, shouting, stampeding.

He ought to get up now, go to the kitchens, get a bite.  Eddy is always after him to put something more than gristle and spite on his bones.  He plants his hands on his desk, ready to make the effort to stand, when of a sudden Davey's there, in the door.

Josiah has a good look at him, now, under the humming electrics.  Still too thin, for his widening shoulders.  Hair in need of a trim or at least a comb.  (He tries to do it like Bertram Cochrane, slicking the sides down, but the loose black curls are springing free by midday).  A tear in the shoulder of his shirt fixed by clunky, deliberate stitches.  A boy exuberantly ragged at the end of a long day. 

"Capper.  You weren't at mess."

Josiah pins a smile to the corner of his mouth like he means it.  "Eddy send you up?"

"No sir."

"I'll be down soon."

The boy hesitates.  "Capper?  Are you angry?"

"No.  Why would you say?"

"You been up here all day, Capper, that's all.  Eddy said - well I think he said, maybe I just thought of something he did say, you know, the sear said he - well you know.  Eddy's sear is so bright sometimes.  I forget.  Eddy said you used to get your hackles up and hide out in your quarters all day."

Josiah chuckles softly.  "He's right.  I did.  I'm not angry, m'son."

"What's wrong, then?"

"Come sit."  There is not gonna be no happy choice, said Lufty.  And there won't be, but he'd be crueler not to tell the boy. 

Davey comes round to his desk and pulls up a chair, as he does when they read and talk, about things Josiah knows - like radio manuals and floorplans and exit strategies - and things that Davey knows, like checkers and poems and music.  "I told you 'bout my pal, Silky.  You remember, his letters."

"Yes sir."

"He saved my life.  Before I was a captain."

"I dream that sometimes.  Like you know about the lake.  And Liddy."

Josiah picks up a pen and twirls it over the blotter.  His chest is tight, like breathing through a wet kerchief.  "Davey, Silky's very sick.  We got a telegram from his captain."  He takes a deep breath, pushing through it, like crawling under thick smoke, palming every door.  "He's in the hospital in the city."

Davey watches him through a child's lashes with eyes that pierce him like a brother.  Josiah longs for a horse between them, the calming stroke of the soft brush on the soot-dappled back.  He longs for the darkness between bunks, staring at the ceiling.  In the low, fragile light, Josiah sees the dampness welling up in Davey's eyes.  It is too hard to hide. 

Davey knows already.  He is biting his lip, as if he is already a young man. While he lay in a Bellevue bed, a needle in one arm, Silky had bent over the other, murmuring.  Josiah, from his awkward seat with his bad leg locked in its brace, leans forward in one great surge and takes the boy in his arms and holds him tight.  As close as his nightmares, as tight as his memories.  "I will come back.  I will, Davey, I promise you.  I'll come back."

The child's stumbling sear is a raw mess of questions, frantic as birds beating their wings against a low-slung slate-clouded sky.  He is crying.  Good, Josiah thinks.  Good that grief be open. 

"You promise," Davey whispers at last, hoarse with a sob and muffled deep into his chest.  "You got to promise, Capper."

"Promise. I promise, I promise.  As sure as I can't run, m'son, I promise I will come home."

[prettycottonmouthlamia]

Skadi, 3-turn set-ups, and why niche is good

Do you know what DSS is? If you don’t, you probably haven’t been playing F/GO for long, but DSS stands for Double Skadi System. Skadi, a Servant soon to come on the NA server and one that JP has had for almost two years now, completely revolutionized the game when she came out. Being the most functional and usable Quick support, as well as being really viable general support, Skadi gave birth to the Double Skadi System, where you’d use two Skadi in tandem with an AoE Quick Servant, such as Lancelot, Atalanta, or Marie Antoinette. 

If you’ve wondered why those three Servants have such bad NP gain, its because they actually get pretty decent refund off of their NPs, which are Quick and score a lot of hits. For Lancelot and Atalanta, it’s actually part of their core gameplay gimmick where they use their NPs to generate a lot of critical stars. The Double Skadi System allows them to get refunds of over 50%, which means it becomes functionally possible to do 3-turn set-ups. 

Now 3-turn set-ups have existed ever since Mordred (Rider) was released (and had her NP gain altered to not be total dogshit), but those comps generally required multiple Arts and NP Gain supports, and usually multiple unique SSRs. DSS only requires you, generally, to have a single Skadi and a support Skadi to function, and usually only a MLB Kaleidoscope.

What are 3-turn comps used for anyways? 

Well, your answer to that is, farming. DSS 3-turn comps allow you to complete farming in 3 turns, which is almost always the minimum amount of turns you need. This, in turn, is fast. But that’s the only upside. It’s fast. There has not been a single instance where DSS is required for farming. Probably most importantly, DSS making farming fast typically doesn’t come with any notable benefits either. You’re still AP gated meaning you’ll have to spend Apples to farm more, and in almost every event, there is a massive drop in returns once you complete the event shops. Turning Gold mats into QP is very rarely worth it over farming the QP missions. The only time the time spent with DSS might actually matter is in Lottery Box events, since those have very consistent (and profitable!) rewards. 

So, what DSS gives you isn’t always super relevant, and is only really impactful in one specific scenario. 

So that’s the gist. Obviously if you personally care about spending 3 turns or 7 turns farming that can change your priorities, but speaking as someone who has never had access to DSS ever, it really does not matter in the scheme of things. 

DSS, Tier Lists, and Viability Discussions

If you’ve been around long enough, you’ve probably heard the Appmedia tierlist panned as “The Merlin Tierlist”. I don’t know where that spark of rightfully panning the Appmedia tierlist went, but they were right. That tierlist was heavily biased in favor of Buster servants because it assumed you had everything. It was much more accurate to call it a “Whale Tierlist” because that’s what it has always been. 

There are a lot of Servants that are super hyped up but only because they’re very good in DSS. The Count of Monte Cristo is a rather infamous one. Dantes was generally considered a super mediocre Servant prior to Skadi’s release. Not a bad one, but his poor NP gain, lack of any survival options, and only having burst damage output made him far less attractive than Jeanne Alter, who had more consistent damage, was a ST Avenger which was a much better niche for the class, and had an Invulnerability skill. 

This completely changed once Skadi came out. DSS turns Dantes into a farming machine, and even gives him much more consistent damage. It dramatically boosted people’s opinion of him, to the point where if you’d ask what Avenger people thought was the best, it would probably be Dantes. But notice that I said with DSS. This is something that’s important to point out. Jeanne Alter was very good with Merlin, but Jeanne did not rely on double Merlin to be viable. She didn’t even rely on any Merlin to be viable, just because her native kit and generation are that good. Dantes, however, does rely on Skadi to be viable, comparatively. Important to note again, this does not make Dantes a bad Servant without Skadi. But using Dantes without using Skadi is essentially going back to the same time period where Skadi didn’t exist. 

This is the same case for Servants like Lancelot, Atalanta, and Marie too. Servants who are generally rated much higher than they actually should be, because the assumption is that you’ll always have DSS to run with them. But if you don’t, you’re going to notice their viability dramatically fall. 

A very good example of this fallacy is with Maou Nobu. I’ll say it pretty simply: in a general context where you are not assumed to have the servants to fully utilize everyone to their maximum potential, Maou Nobu is flatly better than Dantes, and arguably better than Spishtar. She has more consistent damage than Dantes, a hard survival option that comes with a ridiculous steroid, the ability to remove Defensive buffs from Divine enemies with her NP, and an NP battery. Spishtar’s 50% NP battery is probably what keeps her from being completely outclassed by Maou Nobu. 

What happened, however, was that even when Maou Nobu was given a rightfully pretty good Strengthening, people panned her. They compared her unfavorably to Dantes and Spishtar to the point of ridiculousness (I’m sorry, how does Dantes do more damage on average than Maou Nobu with his 1 turn attack up?) because the assumption was that viability is to be rated at the whale spectrum. It was assumed you would have DSS, or Skadi / Waver / Tamamo for Spishtar. Maou being incredibly functional in her niche is considered a demerit.  DSS has, in almost every way, completely warped the way people look at Servants. 

AoE Quick Servants are rated purely in their ability to loop. Achilles, who by all metrics has a functionally insane kit with survival, taunt, an NP charge, critical damage up, Quick up, is generally not rated favorably because he cannot consistently loop with DSS. But DSS isn’t even that functionally important! All it does is save time! ST Quick Servants, by comparison, almost always get universally panned because...well, DSS is good for farming. If you can’t consistently access your NP, how can you be good in DSS? 

Final Thoughts

I cannot sit here and say that Skadi isn’t something you should consider. When I did my analysis on Voyager (which you should read, its quite good) I did specifically talk about Voyager’s ability to loop with DSS. However, we need to remember that not everyone has access to DSS, and it is definitely not for a lack of trying either. We need to discuss Servants and their viability outside of DSS, and not let DSS be assumed the default when we discuss Servants. 

Is Lancelot good without Skadi? No, probably not in all honesty. He has no survival, pretty much has to be tied to K-Scope or multiple top tier support Servants to function well, and is generally just there for RNG reliant burst. Is Marie good without Skadi? She can be if you need someone who has a lot of survival in her kit but has damage problems. Is Dantes? Yeah, actually he is. It’s important to remain realistic about the viability of Servants outside of DSS too. 

Basically, if you’re reading this and you didn’t inherently agree with these arguments, clean your head for brainworms. 

[dlamp-dictator]

Allen Rambles about Code of Brawl

Man... remind me to never talk about having a future Rambling in the works, it’ll instantly fall into draft-hell. But anyway, I’ve been meaning to talk about Arknights in depth for a while now, but I’ve never had much drive to actually finish the damn draft of my initial thoughts a few months ago. I couldn’t tell you why, I just lost the drive to finish the thing. However, with Code of Brawl coming to a close and my thoughts on the event still lingering I think I can use it as jumping off point to actually talk about the game. 

That said, here’s the synopsis.

Arknights is a Tower Defense game for the PC mobile devices placed in the world of Terra, where an infectious disease known as Oripathy ravages the land, slowly turning people to minerals in a slow and painful process. You play as the Doctor, an amnesiac military commander of the Rhodes Island pharmaceutical company who fights against the Infected radicals known as the Reunion. 

That’s about as far as I can go in a single paragraph for main story, but Code of Brawl instead focuses on the eccentric adventures of Pengiun Logistics, side faction of the game that’s a seemingly innocent delivery company with quite the ragtag group in it, consisting of the happy-go-lucky gunner Exusiai, the cold and dismissive swordswoman Texas, the excitable and energetic Sora, and the business-savvy Croissant. All led by the charismatic and multi-talented Emperor. However, as their new intern Bison comes into the fold the group is caught in a series of gang wars and organized crime trying to snuff out the company.

And unlike Fire Emblem Three Houses, that really is the basic plot without me sarcastically building anything up. With that all said, I think I can move on and talk about... 

The Story

The story of Code of Brawl honestly has the best and worst of Arknights writing. I think having a story that focused on a group outside of Rhodes Island was for the better. For all the lore blurbs and archive notes we get, I think Code of Brawl proves just how little Rhodes Island is involved with the world of Terra at large despite it’s apparent reputation as a weird and quirky company with some terrifyingly powerful Operators and lofty ambitions. And while I’m still only on Chapter 4 since I’m grinding out some E2 before moving on, Rhodes Island really does more reacting to random Reunion plans than anything proactive with their goals of curing Oripathy. They feel more like a counter military force to Reunion, and a barely effective on at that given the point of the story I’m at. Code of Brawl, being focused on another group with a more direct conflict and villains, feels a lot more cohesive and interesting, as Penguin Logistics’s goal is to just get Bison through his first day and take out whatever force is harassing them this week. 

Penguin Logistics as a whole is a rather interesting bunch of ruffians and seeing them is gallivant around Lungmen trading blows and bullets with gangsters is a joy to read and see. Seeing some of the inner workings of Lungmen society, seeing a bit of the underbelly, as well as getting to see the cast just have more casual interactions with each other is great. We learn that Sora really is just gay for Texas, and the all of Penguin Logistics has only 3 function braincells with Texas having one and Mostima having the other two.  We get to see that Sora has probably beaten someone to death with her microphone at some point given how willing she is to bar fight. A lot of fun stuff.

And then... there’s Mostima. 

Look, I like this story, I really do, but Mostima really didn’t need to be here as far as the story is concerned. All she does plot-wise is rile up Exusiai, drop some cryptic advice for Bison, shows she knows more powerful than she leads on, and is a bit of a deus ex machina for the end of the plot, and not even by that much. You could had replaced her with Chen, Swire, Hoshigumi, ShiraYuki, or anyone else that would logically be in Lungmen at the time. Hell, ShiraYuki knowing everything a being cryptic about it would at least be in character for her. 

And that’s not to knock Mostima. I actually pulled her in my last ten-pull (didn’t get Waii Fu though, and I’m still salty about that), she’s a pretty good and damn near god-tier once you get her to E2 if some of the guides on her are to be believed, though her kit is a little niche for an AoE caster of her cost. However, as far as the story is concerned she shows a serious issue with Arknights as a whole. That’s its constant need to have half of their characters be mysterious.

Mysterious Characters

So, just to give an example, here is a list of characters in Arknights with a Mysterious Past™. These are characters that either have their archive notes explicitly state their past is unknown, or characters who’s past is implied but but deliberately kept unconfirmed.

With that said...

Mostima

Myrtle

Cuora

Skadi

Specter

Shining

Siege

Projekt Red

Specter

Blue Poison

Lappland

Texas (?)

ShiraYuki

AMIYA

Okay, I’m cheating a little with Texas since she has enough of her past implied, but it’s still technically a mystery as far as the specifics go. But you see my point, right? A lot of characters have a Mysterious Past™, which is a nice shorthand to not go into depth about writing their background. Now, you don’t need to give twenty paragraphs on their backstory, but something would be nice. Keeping things a mystery might be nice for the theory-crafters, but for me it’s annoy as hell to see so many character, so many high-rated that really just have their skills and design to go off of, especially with most the cast overall having a pretty simple background to them that are interesting when you read through the lore blurbs and think about it. Breeze is a former noble that wanted to do more good in the world than throwing money at a problem. Liskarm is a protective friend that joined Rhodes Island to make sure the problematic Franka integrated without problems. Frostleaf is a child soldier that wants to do some good in the world after becoming Infected. Kroos, Beagle, and Fang joined Rhodes Island after getting kicked out of their old jobs. You don’t need to be flashy, but giving answers isn’t an admission of lacking creativity. The hints might be nice for the analysts, but the fans would likely want some answers.

Again, Mostima isn’t a problem, and a lot characters in that list do have some concrete hints about their past. Texas and Lappland are likely a former mafia heiresses and old rivals. Shining was likely a highly skilled mercenary before realizing she could do more good in the world with a healing staff instead of a sword. Siege is likely apart of Londinium royalty, but was either exiled or ran due to political turmoil. But that’s the issue, likely isn’t confirmed. Mostima being a powerful character with a mysterious past just feels like a cop out to me. It’s not bad, but she’s a symptom of what some of the issues of Arknights story is. I’m not asking for AFK Arena-levels of lore, just... an explanation here or there would be nice. 

But anyway that’s my main issue, moving on.

General Gushing

Despite that large critique I have, there’s a lot I love about this story. For simplicity sake, because I’m tired of all the editing, I’ll put it into list form:

Penguin Logistics in general was just a joy to see. Watching them in action and just how laissez-faire they are is hilarious, especially when paired with the straightforward and reserved Bison freaking out over the wackiness. 

Speaking of, Bison made for a very good straight man to balance out all the wild antics of PL. He really kept things from getting too crazy by at least questioning the zaniness, and the point when he finally stops caring and just charges in with a crazy plan of his own just gave me the giddiest of smiles.

Given how they discuss it, PL apparently trade blows with criminals and thugs on a daily basis, and since they’re just a delivery company this implies they likely deliver drugs or other hot cargo the mafia and gangs want... and given Emperor’s personality, that wouldn’t shock me.

Emperor in general is a delight of a character. He’s about as charismatic and wild as his aesthetic makes him look. I would legit whale for him if he ever become an operator.

Learning a little bit about Lungmen culture was fun as well, as little of it as we see. It’s my personal headcanon now that the mafia and general thugs of Lungmen don’t mess with civilians because they’re either a sleeper agent under the Rat King’s protection or they might be a kung fu master in plain clothes like Waai Fu.

Waai Fu and Texas fist fighting in the streets of Lungmen is just hilarious and awesome. I honestly don’t know what that says about either of them. Texas is holding her own against a martial artist with over 10 years of experience barehanded, meanwhile Waai Fu is holding her own against what lore blurbs have implied is the former heiress/hitman of a mafia. All the while drunkards and Texas’s coworkers are egging them on. This is the dumb content I live for.

Save for some of the absolute bullshit of the challenge maps, I found the actual game content to be pretty fair and interesting. The Bullies required good defender placement, a lot of the ranged units focused on targeting the helpful buildings that buffed your characters and increased the operator deployment count, and maps themselves had a few clever chokepoints to work with... At least until they started spamming Fanatics.

Bison actually has a pretty solid kit for a free Operator. He buffs a lot of adjacent units, has a no real weakness, his tools don’t feel niche like Grani or Celycon, overall a great unit. Once I finish E2-ing all my main Operators I might build him next. 

While I have issues with her as a story element, Mostima is a 6-star that has instant utility once you promote her to E2, much like Chen and Siege. This is something I’m relieved to say as a lot of my 6-stars aren’t worth much until you E2 them and I’m still trying to E2 some of my easier units like Cuora and Gavial for Chapter 5 and CC.

That’s really all I have to say on that front. So to close things off...

For the Future

Like I always say in these Ramblings, I don’t like the idea of people prattling on about being able to “fix” or “rewrite” something has already been made. It always comes across as both arrogant and ignorant to me. However, I think it’s completely fair to make requests and suggestions for the future. ‘

That said, I'd like to continue seeing side stories without Rhodes Island’s involvement. Both to see other factions in their natural element and because, frankly, Rhodes Island always feels a little out of place when involved in other stories, or at least more of a distraction than a good element if chapter 2 and 3 are anything to go by. I think a Black Steel side story would be nice. Jessica, Franka, Liskarm, and Vanille getting into shenanigans in Columbia or something sounds like a fun time. Maybe have the leader/high commander of the organization as a new operator and they’re a really powerful Supporter than can buff the party, like a 6-star version of Sora or something that gives operators insane ASPD buffs... I don’t know, something like that anyway. Ideally something a little less wordy than Code of Brawl at least.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say. Next time... I’ll talk about something else. Maybe discuss a manga or something. 

See you all later.

[megashadowdragon]

what celtic-pyro said  below

I just…hm…I think Lostbelt 2 had its flaws, for sure, but I don’t think all the criticisms being hurled at it are entirely fair.

First, people saying the “girls need to have kids by 15″ thing is a gross kink thing: I disagree. It’s fully intended to be disgusting, disturbing and unsettling. A clear sign of how dystopian this world is for humans that everyone who isn’t Gerda only reacts to with horror and shock. Gerda herself merely states it as a fact of life in the human settlements and there’s no moment where anyone is pressuring her to have children by 15 (beyond the implicit societal pressure at least). What bothered me about Agartha a lot was the way the female-on-male abuse was framed in an almost fetishistic context and jokes were made about it, like Astolfo joking about how he’d look cute in chains (bonus points for character derailment there). We don’t get that in LB2. I don’t mind ‘dark’ themes within a work as long as they’re handled in a way that doesn’t glorify or fetishize them and LB2 definitely did neither of those things.

Second, certain comments made by characters that caused many to cry “Romani’s law” over. Caenis’s remarks about Ophelia in particular were…interesting, at least in the context of his/her relation to Wodime. Their name escapes me but I saw a REALLY good analysis on him/her that put many of Caenis’s early dialogue in LB1 and LB2 into perspective (I’m so sorry my brain’s kind of fried so I forget what your name is!). I’d like to say overall that Fate is a franchise dealing with characters from history, so unsurprisingly they’ll sometimes say something politically incorrect (looking at you, Napoleon!). Plus, given the society she lived in and her own personal traumas, Caenis making that “cracked jar of oil” comment about Ophelia seemed fairly in-character, because it may have been how she saw herself when That happened.

Third, Napoleon’s one-sided crush on Ophelia. While he started off pretty immature about it, he recognizes that pursuing her may not be what she wants, and furthermore, could end up jeopardizing the mission. This is why he forms a temporary contract with you. I was fully expecting him to go off the rails obsessing over her (as one other FGO player had claimed he did) but I actually like how he ended his role in the Lostbelt chapter. Selflessly using his final moments to reach Ophelia so she could free herself of Surtr’s control and get to safety. It reminded me a little of Cu Chulainn’s (equally one-sided) crush on Rin, and how he similarly ends up saving her at the cost of his own life. (Alright it’s no secret Napoleon was my far my favorite thing about Lostbelt 2, he was just fantastic all around and added a lot of flair to cutscenes on top of being a top-tier free anti-Divine unit with great gameplay)

Fourth, Scathach=Skadi. I’m still less than happy that the devs went and made her a ScathachFace, and the in-universe explanation didn’t really do much in the way of telling us why Scathach, specifically, was chosen to be merged with Skadi, beyond a clever nod to a very niche, New Age conspiracy of the two being one and the same person. Having said that, this chapter warmed me up just a tiiiiiiiny bit to Skadi as a character. I really wish she’d simply been her own character separate from Scathach, just one with similar themes in her backstory, but I digress. I ended up not hating Skadi, only that she effectively body-snatched my wife the Godslayer.

Fifth, the dialogue apparently being repetitive. I didn’t really notice it too much? I guess the overarching themes were repeated a lot (love, hate, killing and sparing, ice and fire etc) but it didn’t seem that overbearing. Maybe it’s just me but I wasn’t noticing it getting to be a bore.

EDIT: One more criticism I don’t agree with, that Napoleon had no place in the Lostbelt chapter and should’ve been in Lostbelt 1. Yes, getting to shine in Anastasia would’ve let him finally take revenge on his Grand Armee’s defeat against the Russian Winter, and he also fittingly represents revolution and enlightenment. But otherwise he doesn’t really tie into the overall plot of the Russian Lostbelt, nor would he be much good against the Yaga or Ivan. Gotterdammerung, meanwhile, is full of Divine enemies where Napoleon’s anti-Divine Noble Phantasm was a huge boost.

Plus (and I made another post about this) he’s a literary foil of sorts to Salieri. A similarly fictionalized identity of a person who really existed in history, who offers something to that Lostbelt that both its people and its Crypter either didn’t have or were missing. Russia didn’t have music, and while the Yaga had no need for it, it was something Kadoc missed and something that helped us defeat Ivan. The children of Gotterdammerung had no heroes, nor wishes or dreams, but it was something Ophelia desperately needed, and it was through the things Napoleon represented that Surtr was defeated and Ophelia saved.

Now one criticism I think IS fair: Ophelia definitely deserved better. Without question. I’d have liked to have learned more about her or seen her have a subplot of having to choose between her friendship with Mash and her love for Wodime, or of being able to live without her Mystic Eye laying out every possibility for her and having to make those choices of her own accord. Or being able to fangirl over having Sigurd without Surtr’s influence, or getting to meet Napoleon a second time. There were SO many things the story could’ve done with her character arc, and I’m mad we’ll never get to see any of it in canon.

[margridarnauds]

6, 7, 10, 21, 23

THANKS AVERY

6. Answered here 

7. List your NoTPs from each fandom you’ve been in. 

Let’s have the SALT. (Mandatory disclaimer that my own personal feelings towards the SHIP does not inherently extend to the shippers, that I ship many dynamics that some people would call “abusive” given the ongoing debate over what “enemies to lovers” means, and that some dynamics here are things that I might have shipped under other circumstances, but things just...didn’t work out that way.)

Cats - I hated Plato/Victoria before I even knew that it was POSSIBLE to hate a ship that much. I always went with the Plato = Macavity theory to get that little skeavy dudebro off my girl. (Also, I’ll be honest, the whole “mating dance” thing is...such a fucking weird sequence anyway. Like, my ship preferences aside, ALW WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HAVE A SCENE WHERE THE CATS FUCK?) 

Pirates of the Caribbean - Jack Sparrow/Elizabeth. 

Harry Potter - Ron/Hermione. I never saw it, tbh, and they seemed to be pretty bad for one another, even in the books. The films just took it up several notches. 

OUAT - Captain motherfucking Swan. I hated that smug, greasy little motherfucker so much. So much. 

Star Trek Ds9: Jadzia/Worf. THERE. I SAID IT. Both sides brought out the absolute worst in each other, leading to an absolute trashfire of a ship that obliterated all in its wake. AND THEN WE HAD TO DEAL WITH THE FALLOUT OF THAT. EVEN AFTER THE SHIP WAS *DEAD*. Don’t mind me, don’t mind me. I’m cool, I’m cool. 

Carmilla - Tbh...Laferry. Never my thing. I know that her character development’s a BIG part of Perry’s arc and I fully embrace character growth, but it just. Left a bad taste in my mouth. And the way shippers used to treat Laflashdrive shippers back in the day. As if shipping a nonbinary character and a flashdrive somehow makes it hetero. (#LetLafBeaRobotfucker2k19). 

Les Miserables - You know what? While I’m on the Salt Train...

Enjolras/Grantaire. Now, there are plenty of ships that are probably more deeply annoying to me, but none are as prevalent as this one. And I might like them a lot more if they WEREN’T so prevalent. But as it is, it’s like a black HOLE that’s devoured the fandom, so that you’d think the entire fucking novel/musical is about these two. And. Maybe I shouldn’t talk given what I ship, but it isn’t even like they’re THEM at this point, they’re just two generic white guys in an “uwu” relationship. And I’m not speaking for EVERY single thing given that I have neither the time, concentration, or will to read every. Single. Thing. Made about these two, but it’s something I’ve noticed, though I’m not saying that I haven’t enjoyed SOME things made about them and the whole “You believe in nothing.” “I believe in you” is...good content. 

It’s like...you’re walking in the woods (there’s no one around and your phone is dead) and you see a brightly colored pink tree. At first, it’s great. A pink tree! You’ve never seen one of those before. You wander further into the woods, and there’s another! And another! And soon enough, you’re surrounded by pink trees, in a technicolored horror realm. Where’s the sky? Where did you come in at? You think you remember seeing the sun once, but NO, it’s another fucking pink tree blocking your way. There is no God, there is no ground, there is only a technicolored nightmare blocking your every move, drowning you in visions of Barbie-esque horror. 

Terra Nova - Skye/Lucas. WHY GOD WHY? Look, we KNOW I have terrible taste in ships, some of which have...questionable dynamics. BUT EVEN I CAN’T GET INTO THIS ONE. There’s no...mutual spark between the two of them, just Lucas creeping on Skye and Skye trying to get away. Also, since I’m here...Skye is estimate to have been born in ‘32-33, making her approximately 16-17 by the time the plot kicks into gear. Let’s be very generous and bump her into 17-18. Lucas? 2124, making him...oh, 25. Not the WORST age gap I’ve ever seen in my lifetime...but....questionable. Very questionable. And I know the series wants to have us believe that people grow up faster (see: The fact they actually think Maddy’s old enough to GET MARRIED. TO A SOLDIER. WHO IS REALISTICALLY IN DANGER OF MAKING HER A WIDOW,) but NO. Like, at my CURRENT AGE, with less than four years separating me from that age gap, I can’t see it. That is still at least 7 years of experience in the “real world” that she doesn’t have. He still saw someone with THAT MUCH of an age gap with him and WANTED something, whether or not she wanted it or not, and tried to PURSUE that something while calling her “sister”. Like, I can’t stop anyone from shipping it and I have a firm “ship and let ship” mentality, but....EW. EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWeWEEWEWEW. 

B5 - I’m in the same boat as you as far as...on one hand. Byron/Lyta makes me want to vomit, but also...our Teep OC does owe her existence to her weird, hetero white goth uncle. 

Star Wars: Han/Leia. Because, as we all know, cornering a woman before you kiss her is the love story of the generation. Han would have been better with Luke and Leia with Holdo. 

The Pirate Queen - Tiernan/Gráinne. I. Hate. This. Ship. 

His Dark Materials - Torn between Ruta Skadi/Asriel and Lyra/Will. Tbh, leaning towards the latter because while the former is AWFUL and signifies the quite frankly terrible writing decisions that distinguish the second and third books, at least it didn’t involve a badass, feral girl child becoming a dainty, submissive 50s housewife in the body of a 12 year old. “Oh, Will, I’ll do whatever you say, I promise. I won’t use my awesome powers unless you say I can, you’re so fantastic, Will.” Gag me. Also...they’re twelve. This doesn’t HAVE to be an epic, tragic romance, and the fact that their “kiss” (WHAT THE FUCK PULLMAN, WHAT THE FUCK, I’M NOT A PURITAN BUT WHAT THE FUCK) is the key to saving the universe? Really? Basically, they should have been friends. 

1789 - Danton/Solène. (I KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT I WOULD SAY, BUT NO. MY HATRED FOR THIS ONE MANAGES TO OUTSHINE IT.) “But Rachel,” you might say, “You’ve been very, very open about preferring anything to Ronan/Olympe” and that’s TRUE. But the Toho version managed to push my hatred of this one with The Scene, AKA “Go back to the kitchen, Solène and let the menfolk take care of this.” The French version didn’t even really have it as A Thing, he was just a customer. And the amount of time Danton spends with Solène is always directly proportional to the amount of spinal surgery she’s going to have. Now, I can’t exactly BLAME the two Japanese productions for doing what they did, because they have to appeal to a Japanese audience in the way they see fit. It’s an ADAPTATION of 1789, not a tour of it. But that doesn’t mean I have to LIKE it. And. Like. You know there’s no way THAT one’s going to end in a way that’s good for Solène. Either (1) he’ll set her aside for his family or (2) If they SOMEHOW stay together...the Reign of Terror’s looming. 

Also: Danton/Charlotte. No. No. Just. No. There are so many reasons why. But no. 

Ace Attorney - Maya/Nick. WHY SWEET MOTHER OF HETERONORMATIVITY WHY? 

10.  Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in?

We’ve both discussed a lot about how...DIFFICULT it can be to write fic for something. There are a lot of things I love dearly but just don’t have it in me to write fic for. Ace Attorney is an obvious one, Mozart l’Opera Rock, Elisabeth (though I’m trying to work on that one), Les Miserables, Star Wars, Star Trek, B5....a ton more that I could mention but it would honestly take too much time. Words hard, reading still hard but slightly easier. 

21. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote? 

The first thing I ever wrote, when I was five years old, was (very heteronormative) fanfiction for The Stinky Cheese Man, where he finds The Stinky Cheese Woman, which now, of course, I recognize as my own attempt to write myself into a narrative from which I’d been excluded. Or something. I think my mom still has it buried someplace, lurking...

Also, @theocraindora at some point managed to get me to write at least one full Carmilla AU during the second season, when we both must have been about 17-18-ish, if my math’s not too dubious, and that was the first thing I ever actually finished for a long time, even though it didn’t ever meet my personal standards for publishing and is likely to stay buried. For awhile, at least. 

23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it.

Since I talked about PLP’s tragic backstory, time for something happier. Paradise Lost, which I’m actually pretty damn happy with because it was my first time working with something that’s not a historical piece, and it was honestly a treat working with Mira’s voice. I think that Mira really “clicked” for me as a character here. Like, “Yes, this is why she’s like this, this makes sense.” There are some times where you can really feel a character’s voice when you’re writing and you can get things out, and this was one of those very rare times for me. Not saying that it’s going to happen NEXT time, but this time, it was rather relaxing. 

It was honestly one of the smoother writing experiences I had? Like, it only took me about a day or so, from when we exchanged PMs to publishing it, which is pretty impressive, all things considered. I’m still not tossing out doing anything more with this world in the future, tbh. That and Goosefic were probably two of the easiest to just...get out. (WHICH. 92 HITS. GOOSEFIC HAS 92 HITS. THAT IS INSANE FOR A ONE-SHOT IN A SMALL FANDOM. HOLY SHIT.) 

(From your other ask!)

50. How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction?

I’ve been WRITING fanfiction since I could hold a pencil and make scribbles.  When I was younger, I could write that kind of thing easily, the shame came later. 

Finding out that fanfiction EXISTED...was probably when I was about 9-10 and found Balto x Harry Potter crossover fanfiction. Which. In hindsight. Was pretty horrible, but my young self was CAPTIVATED because Balto and Harry Potter? In the same universe? IT WAS LIKE MAGIC. 

Astonishingly, I did not read M rated stuff until I was at least 15-16-ish. I kept myself remarkably sheltered and only looked into it when I became curious. And got over my weird hyper-religious phase. 

When I was about 12-13, I started to toy with writing myself, writing my own OC crossovers for Phantom Manor (the gother, European version of Haunted Mansion that was my special interest for. Ages). Carmilla when I was 17-18 was one of the first things I wrote a full, complete Thing for, even if I never published anything for it. And from there, I’d try to write things for both The Pirate Queen and Dracula, though both projects proved to be too ambitious and I ended up cutting them off, tragically, but they gave me the confidence I needed to get into 1789, which I DID publish something for finally, on the day I was taking my GRE because. Well. I had something else I feared more than a flame. 

51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go!

I don’t know if this is one thing or five separate things in a trenchcoat, but here you go. 

I love how we can explore things that could never be explored in canon, for one reason or another; I love that we have an experience that we can filter according to what WE want, including trigger warnings, which is honestly a godsend to me. We talk a lot about the transformative nature of fanfic, and it IS, but also, the level of empowerment that comes with being able to take back a narrative that says “hey, you’re not supposed to be in this narrative” or “You’ll like what we put out and you’ll stick with it” or “Well, if you don’t like it, create your own” and say “Okay, I will.” And, obviously the comments are lovely, having that kind of instant encouragement, and in the small fandoms in particular, it’s VITAL, but I also don’t feel like they’re inherently mandatory or that readers should feel FORCED. But I do love that, no matter what, something you write can connect with someone from the other side of the world. Like, people can argue all they want about fanfic being valid or not, but MOST people who want to be professional writers never get that. And when you stop and think about how we’ve been changing the narrative for as long as we’ve had oral stories, that this is how storytelling was ORIGINALLY done...that’s very humbling. 

[mystarsforanempire]

Loki’s Timeline

Just a timeline of marriages, big events & children. I’m going to say a YEAR of ageing for the Asgardians, once they’re adults, is the equivalent of 100 years; when they’re growing up, the equivalents are definitely a bit screwy. Re: the myth fusion, I take a lot of the mythos into my portrayal, but none of the Baldr stuff, and I also exclude Skadi.

General warnings for trauma, character death and sexual assault. I have a lot of tragedy in Loki’s past, but none of it is really an excuse? So, please don’t read any of this as a reason to woobify or excuse any of Loki’s monstrous behaviours. 

He’s awful because he chooses to be, and the trauma of his past doesn’t excuse what he does with his free will.

BIRTH -- Discovered by Odin Borsson and taken home to Odin and Frigga. Loki’s new brother, Thor, is old enough to be curious, but not old enough to ask questions or remember their answers. 

Aged  250 years (~5) -- Loki is old enough to begin his experimentation with seiðr, and often mimics the magic his father and mother perform. Brimming with natural talent, he shows a great love of magic in his day to day life, and although he is still a young child, he immediately takes a great deal of interest in his studies. 

Aged  400 years (~8) -- Loki is proficient enough in his magic to transform himself into other forms for temporary periods, although they have to be close in size to his own. Thor, for the past while, has been given basic training by members of the palace guard and by his father; Loki, impatient to begin his own training, shows an aggressive interest in weaponry such as knives and poisons. 

Aged 800 years (~14) -- Loki now jealously watches Thor practice with the Warriors Four every day, not permitted to join their practice himself. He takes tutelage in both magic and knife-skills from his mother, but isn’t yet ready in either of his parents’ minds to fight against any of the older youths. Loki is now able to take on a great many forms, and is able to create crude imitations of himself in magical illusion. 

Despite these strengths, Loki is often mocked by Fandral & Thor particularly, as Loki grows no stubble and remains as pale as ever, looking very different to them, with their golden hair and rosy cheeks. When Sif makes the mistake of joining in on their mockery, Loki loses his temper, and spells her hair out of her head: forced to try to make the situation right, he visits the Dwarves of Svartalheim to get her a new head of golden hair, and he also retrieves the hammer Mjolnir and several other gifts for those of the Gods’ Council.

As punishment for cleverly avoiding having to pay the Dwarves, Loki’s mouth is sewn shut with a needle and thread; when Sif mocks this, he turns her hair to be as dark and unshining as his own. (The Dwaves Of Svartalheim is written in its entirety here.)

Aged 950 years (~16) -- Loki spars with Thor, Fandral, Hogun, Sif and Volstagg every day, and accompanies his brother on adventures close to home. Loki has a reputation for playing minor tricks and japes upon some of the citizens of Asgard, but is often asked by some members of the city for help with minor disputes and considerations, although not when it comes to fighting off beasts as Thor might be asked.

Loki is now old enough to attend the Council of the Gods, and on the first occasion he does so, the issue at hand is that of a Jotunn visiting Asgard. He offers to fortify Asgard from any outer attack by creating a gigantic wall, but he demands as recompense the sun, the moon, and the hand of the goddess Freya in payment. Loki, desperate to impress the other Gods, suggests that they give him only three months in which to complete his work, that the Council can avoid giving him payment at all. Gladly, the Gods agree to Loki’s plan.

Aided by the great stallion, Svadilfari, the giant smith looks like he may be about to finish his goal, and the Gods blame Loki for the fact that they will have to offer the recompense they promised: Odin tells him that if Freya is to be given to the giant smith, he will make of a wedding gift Loki’s head.

Transforming into a mare, Loki leads the stallion far away from the giant smith, running until the last days of winter have given way to spring, but so exhausted by his run, he is unable to transform back into his true form, and he cannot fight off the stallion’s lust. 

Some months later, Loki gives birth to the eight-legged horse, Sleipnir, and the foal is taken away to become Odin’s steed. Odin and Heimdall are the only ones who know about about Sleipnir’s parentage, and Odin means it as a kindness to save Loki the humiliation of the situation, but Loki never forgives him. (The Coming Of The Giant Smith told in its entirety here.)

Aged 1050 years (~17) -- Loki is responsible for the kidnapping of his good friend, Idunn, and must then make moves to retrieve her. Her kidnapper, the Jotunn Thjazi, is killed by the Council of the Gods for his crimes. Inspired by the events of Idunn’s rescue, Loki begins to utilize his newfound ability: he Skywalks from place to place, and begins to visit far-distant realms from his own.

Aged 1100 years (~18) -- Loki meets the Jotunn woman Angrboda on his travels, and falls head over heels for her bright spirit and warlike capabilities. He spends day after day offering her his heart on a platter, and with every day, she grows more fond of him. They marry in the dead of winter, beneath naked trees on a blanket of hard snow, then elope to an island on the edge of forever, surrounded on every side by harsh seas, and together they have three children. 

First, the great serpent, JORMUNGANDR; next, the lovely and round-cheeked HEL, and lastly, the wolf, FENRIR. Loki, far away from the City of Asgard, spends his days in the deep waters of the endless ocean, playing with his children and his wife. Loki, so full of the love he could never lay upon the back of his first son, Sleipnir, cannot believe how lucky he is to have such children.

Aged 1200 years (~19) -- A seer tells the Council of the Gods back in Asgard that the children of Loki will lead to Ragnarok: Odin is immediately worried the seer means the stallion Sleipnir, but the seer goes on to say that the leader will be the child that runs on four legs, with amber eyes. The Council of the Gods seek out the home of the newly weds on a day when Loki is far absent, hunting a great deer with which to feed his family. 

Odin casts the great serpent Jormungandr into the sky, cursed to eat his own tail, to ensure that he cannot break away and bring about Ragnarok; the goddess Hel he casts into the underworld, that she might rule the realm with her icy fist and not break away to bring about Ragnarok; finally, the wolf Fenrir, still naught but a pup, he binds in chains deep beneath the halls of Asgard, unable to ever break away. 

In the skirmish between Odin and these three children of Loki, the goddess Angrboda is killed, and when Loki returns to his home, a freshly butchered deer upon his shoulders, he is so distraught and full of rage that the seas around their island home are brought to a tumultuous boil, leaving no water, and a layer of salt upon the sand.

Loki is dragged back to Asgard kicking and screaming, and he levels whole forests before he exhausts himself and falls unconscious upon the ground, his skin sizzling with overpowering magic. Odin carries his son home in his arms, although clutching the body burns his own hands, and for the next few months, he and Frigga take it in turns to take care of him, as the overuse of his magic has worked him into a dangerous fever that could easily kill him.

Loki initially forgets his children and his wife, and slowly pieces together his memory as he recovers from the fever. By the time he remembers everything, his children already despise him: the serpent Jormungandr moves away from his hand, the wolf Fenrir snarls and slavers at him, and the young goddess Hel will not respond when he tries to call upon her. 

Aged 1500 years (~21) -- Odin arranges a marriage for Loki, wanting for him to be able to forget Angrboda and his lost children. Loki is unwilling, but each day Sigyn brings him flowers and does her best to make him laugh, and with each day, Loki’s hardened heart softens. They marry in the warmth of springtime, in robes sewn of flower petals and ornamented in gold.

Sigyn bears Loki two twin boys: Narfi and Valí. These two children are full of Norse blood and brightness: they are each sweet and sharp in terms, and Loki adores them, puts his very heart into raising them. He doesn’t isolate himself as he did with Angrboda, but remains a warrior alongside Thor and his Warriors Four. 

Narfi and Valí play alongside the many children to Volstagg, and for the first time, Loki feels like he truly belongs. He still grieves for Angrboda and his lost children, but no matter how he tries, he cannot coax his children into listening to desperate apologies. Loki teaches his children what he can of magic, and Sigyn teaches them the name and origin of every flower and tree around them.

When Narfi and Valí are around eight years old (400/500 years), Loki joins Thor and Odin on a trip to Alfheim, where an elf takes offence to a well-meaning comment of Thor’s. When the Elf attempts to poison Thor’s wine, Loki takes offence to such underhanded moves being brought into play (by someone other than him) and he humiliates the Elf publicly in the nearby square.

The Elf goes to Asgard, and curses Valí, turning him into a wolf, that he might devour Narfi. When Loki returns to Asgard, discovering that one of his sons is missing and the other has been mauled to death, the Elf sends him Valí’s pelt.  Loki and Sigyn part ways.

Aged 1900 years (~25) -- Instead of angry, this time, Loki is unfeeling, and disappears for around three hundred years. Although Odin, Frigga and Thor each search for him, he is nowhere to be seen; he uses a special magic to hide himself from Heimdall’s Allsight, and when he returns, finally, he pretends he does not hear the questions asked of him. 

He slips into his position as Thor’s brother, and focuses his attentions on this duties as prince. He refuses any woman that so much as looks in his direction. 

Aged 2100 years (~27) -- The events of Thor. 

[penaltybox14]

Decofiremen: Soon Be the Dawning Days

@darknight-brightstar @zeitheist Every single one of my attempts to write pleasant holiday-oriented things ends up ass-deep in character dissection and plot exposition.  @squad51goals @its-skadi

In this installment, we talk about seasons, changes, and things to celebrate.

December darkens the days, and sharpens the nights.  There is frost every morning, and the sun is a pale consumptive, waking feebly and slipping weakly into evening.  The potbelly stove in the dorm is always burning, always someone up in the night to tend it, every hour.  The lads spend a productive few hours one off day re-arranging their beds, recaulking the windows, and hanging curtains.  When Josiah asks what they are up to, they explain the lads at the ends of the rows have been getting cold in the night, and they are trying to fix it up so that either everyone is warm, or everyone is cold.

"You mind, Captain?" Jules Menlo asks.  He and Bertram Cochrane have taken up the lead, since Antoine and Ellis left for the City.  They are raw to it, but they are learning yet. 

"Not at all, boys, carry on."

Josiah is pleased with them.  Neat and natty rows of beds can go to hell, the lads are making a fine hearth for themselves.  They make sure to vent it properly, and Lufty nods approvingly at their work - a house inside of a house, a canvas-flanked beast breathing and snoring in the wind-snipped nights.  Josiah only scolds them once, when he catches Davey at three in the morning carrying wood in for the stove.  Sure, he is wrapped up tight as a beetle in a sack of flour, but Josiah reminds them that he's just a boy, yet, and needs his rest.

Young Cleary had stumbled a while, the days after Antoine and Ellis were graduated.  Eddy had given him a scorcher of a talk for forgetting to include Davey in the proceedings, and he deserved it.  That responsibility is still so new and giddy to him - where now, he can remember his own graduation, and think well on it, and not always be so bitter - and he had left the boy bereft.  Fool that he is.  Even Silky would've cuffed him for it. 

My true friend Silky, he writes, one glassy morning when the sun had lost the strength to lift the frost from the grass, you would not believe me or maybe you would.  Do you remember the day the bell sounded for us, at breakfast?  In the good cheer of sending my lads to the city, I left out the boy who needs us most, our young Cleary.  Your god, my friend, would smote me off the earth.  It was a terrible mistake, for I frightened him so badly.  I had to set him down later in the day and explain all the proceedings and the ceremony.  I am not yet sure he forgives me.  I am not sure I deserve it.  Here he is, a boy who has already lost one family, and I am to take another from him.  You can be sure Eddy let me have it. 

yours irresponsibly, Birchy

In those following days, after Antoine and Ellis depart on the train from Troy, his heart aches, something like a tooth you want to forget, something a body can't escape from.  The long hallway is there in his dreams, in the boy's dreams, and now he hears the piano, and the distant laughter.  He smells the books in the study.  When he wakes, he feels the far-off gaze of a man much his senior, cool-eyed but in such a way as a lake when the summer days grow taut about the city streets.  An expectant look, a waiting.  Far off down that hallway, as far from the boy now as the Bronx for him, as the dorm he once sweat out his sear in.  He would want to look away, as the village folks and the oakbellies look at his scars and his brace.

He knows that hallway, and that's just the trouble, for young Cleary has walked it alone, trailing his fingers along the green wallpaper, and Josiah, trembling for the thought of the beam waiting in the ceiling, has not followed.  Coward, he thinks.  To let the child walk his hallway and stumble, smoke-wrecked, to his wide lawn, alone.  A one-legged and half-hearted coward.  Davey looks at him askance often in those following days - doesn't come to read with him or practice his Latin, doesn't follow the lads out on their drills no matter how they coax him.  He walks down the pathway past the brambles and into the woods, his too-large coat down past his knees and his collar up so high it leaves just his dark curls tumbling out in the sharp wind, and when he comes in for dinner, he is quiet and small among the lads. 

It is one of those long, weary twilights when the winter rattles like dry bones, and his leg aches.  He is fixing the ledger, making notes, and Silky's reply is on the edge of the desk.  Davey slips in so quietly he only hears it with his sear, so startlingly that Josiah leaves a blot on the end of a row. 

"Capper?"

He puts his pen down and smiles like he imagines Silky would at an Antoine or an Ellis.  Truth to say, he has missed the boy, even the sometimes frantic, fledgling winging of his sear.  He is far too young to grieve such an emptiness as that long, black hallway and the smoke-torn sky.

"May I ask a question?"

Times, the boy's genteel raising surfaces, softly like the wave on the shore.  Times, as now, he holds his cap in his hands as if he's in a holy place, and his eyes are the shyness of moss on a shadowed ledge. 

"Course.  Always."

"Eddy said firemen don't take holidays."

"Come sit.  What're you onto?"

"It's almost Dawning Days, that's all..."

"Oh, ghosts above, Davey - " Josiah has to laugh.  " - no, that's not how Eddy meant it.  He only meant that fires and accidents and all our work, it can happen any time."

Davey sits in one of the clutter of chairs in Josiah's office, kicking his legs, the gesture of a younger boy, an apologetic sort of gesture. 

"I don't mean to laugh, young Cleary, but we do know the Dawning Days."

From the sundown on solstice to daybreak on New Year's - the time of spirits, the time of the seasons shifting, the time to do good and remember that the sun is only resting for a grand debut.  The oakbellies throw a grand to-do at New Year's, all the officers invited to come at their most festive.  He has not gone - and the oakbellies are likely to be glad of it, he figures, for he would not cut such a charming figure in his full dress and a tin of polish on his leg.  They would, as they did at his promotion, shuffle and swallow hotly above their stiff collars.  He would probably stand the whole night out of pride and spend the week after in bed.  Perhaps it would be worth it.

"Do you have a party?"

"As many as we can."

"And lights?"

"As many as the sills will hold.  The lights and the cups left out for the ghosts.  Eddy has probably got another little tree to plant - you know, that stand of maple by the stables, that's his handiwork."

Davey is looking as delighted as Josiah has ever seen him.  His eyes are younger, now.  He is more the boy that he must have been in golden days, before his long dark hallway. 

"And you already know Bertram and his fiddle, and save us all, we've heard the lads sing."

"They taught me the fireman's song."  Davey grips the chair, and then pauses, as if lost of a sudden.  "Lyddie would've liked that song, I suppose.  Mother scolded her because she called the music our teacher brought her 'musty old tunes'."

From far away, in the marrow of his bones, Josiah feels the soft carpet of the parlor under his shoes.  Dark walnut bookshelves and rich, salmon-colored wallpaper embossed with an intricate pattern, the sort of thing a child would run their fingers over.  The books are less a rainbow than a late-summer forest, greens and smatterings of red and orange.  The girl playing the piano, with the bow in her hair, likes to spin cleverly from the plodding strains of an old mass to the bright chirps of ragtime and dance.  The brother laughs. 

The oak floors in their dormitory had what seemed to be a century of wax and polish creating glistening currents in the low lamplight.  They could have greased the bedsprings with a gallon of lard per man and the damned things would've screamed like witches every time a man so much as thought of rolling over.  A cold night outside, and a warm hearth within, each coat and helmet hung on its hook, each woolen blanket tucked neatly around each mattress corner.  The brothers are singing and the brothers are laughing. 

"Antoine wrote me a letter," Davey says, quietly.  "He says he got his sear."  Davey bites his lip.  "He says everybody looked after him, and his captain Jack Prince gave him a pocketwatch.  Does it hurt so much, always?"

"Every man is different.  It's a hard hand of days.  But we look after each other." "I don't remember, exactly.  I hurt so long, I was in bed and the lady wanted to call the doctor, I think.  I hurt so long, and then - then it just felt like - "  Davey leans forward, puts his arms on the desk and his head in his arms and sighs.  Muffled, he whispers, "I felt like - "

Like wandering, Josiah thinks.  That strange stillness when the fever breaks, before you come around to your mates watching over you, before you pull yourself out of your bed weak and stunned and brand-new on foal's legs.  A fresh and open field, the shaded place where the last dollop of snow lives nearly into June. 

"I know," Josiah murmurs, and lays his hand - his scarred hand - on young Cleary's shoulder.  "I do know, son, I do."

"I wished Antoine didn't have to hurt that way.  Or Ellis.  Or Jules or Betram." "I dunno what it was like - " Josiah sighs.  " - but for me, I had my mates around, and my pal, we got it together.  I never would've got through it, without him."

"Thomas."

Josiah starts.

"Sorry, Capper.  I read it on the letter.  Eddy talked about him once, too."

"Silky."

"Capper?"

"Silky.  That's what we called Thomas."

"Why?"

"I don't remember, really."

"What's he like?"

"Oh," Josiah says.  "I'll tell you.  You'd like him a sight better than me - for one thing, he's got two entire good legs and he could take you down to the fish pond.  Second - "

Davey is kicking his legs again, scuffing the toes of his boots on the wooden floor. 

"Well, I'll tell you.  The day I met him, here at Wynantskill, he very nearly ran me down with a horse, a big old dapple grey gelding we called Chubby..."

Davey leans on his hands. 

Silky's letter, half-unfolded, is by his elbow.  I never really got the brothers' whole forgiveness bit, it says, but I do reckon it's a little bit like when you turn over the ash of a building, and you find a little green thing growing underneath.

[penaltybox14]

@dying-redshirt-noises @its-skadi  You could basically title this “feelings are hard” and be done with it.

Every time Jim Reed comes slinking, soft-shouldered, out of the locker room at the end of the night, Mac wants to stop him.  Wants to talk to him.

Listen, he wants to say.  Listen, it's not you.  

Mac wishes he could sit him down without the uniform and the stripes and the years between them and tell him about Pete.  

Sometimes, he does hold Reed up.  Sometimes he says - how're things going?  And Reed nods earnestly and says things are fine, really, Sarge, things are going ok.

Reed's not a bad liar but Mac's seen a lot of eyes in his years and they always give 'em away, even the young men who believe they can't be hurt.  Reed's not stupid, not really - just new, just some yearling who hasn't settled into his stride yet, who wears his badge like a buck wears a new pair of antlers.  He's a good kid.  A fool kid, but a good kid.  

Mac thinks that Pete can see that, too - which is really part of the problem, isn't it?

Mac'd love to have a beer with the kid, and tell him about Pete.  How he laughs and how he drinks.  How he kids but he's honest to the core.  How he loves, and how he's loyal to a fault.  Mac could tell him stories so raw and rowdy they'd take the blue off the sky.  He could tell Reed how Pete was.

But that's just the problem, isn't it.

When the Captain and the Lieutenant had asked him what he thought of assigning Pete a rookie, he was all for it.  He would've set up a full briefing, with color photographs and pull-down charts and diagrams on the chalkboard, about how they couldn't find anyone in the division better, Pete would for sure drag any rookie through the briar but he'd drag him out too, he'd be by his side all the way.  Pete would tease the kid and teach him.  Mac could've told them all about him, but he typed it out in measured sentences, to only say that yes, he would recommend Pete for the job.  

Pete had talked to him about it.  Pete, being Pete, wasn't too sure.  Pete had always had a patient streak, and he liked to get the facts before he made a move.  

Mac had said, what do you mean?  You remember being the rookie, you just be the guy you needed to bring you along.  

And Pete had said, what I needed was to get a clock upside the head.

But he was grinning when he said it, the smile he had that rose into his eyes when he meant mischief.  

Mac had said, and that's why I've got the stripes and you don't, pal.

By the end of the watch, Tommy was bearing Pete's taunts about his hair with reasonable humor.  Tommy was a stolid kid who still had acne under his ears,  a boy with a bad case of bravery but a kind face, and kind hands.  He came out to inspection his first day with his badge on upside-down, and Mac had liked him immediately.

"He's like you," Pete had told him.

Mac had frowned at him - "I don't know how I feel about that."

Pete, grinning, the laugh at the corner of his mouth, said "Me neither, Mac."

Two shifts in and Mac was pretty sure the two of them were plotting to woo every eligible woman in the division, four shifts and there was a fake scorpion in Walters' locker, but Mac couldn't be too mad, because Pete was teaching the kid to be a good cop.  Pete's tongue was a knife some watch-nights, but it was carving a good man out of the raw-boned boy.

It was a good couple of weeks.  So good, that Mac still yearns for the laugh ringing in the locker room, the way a treble note hangs in the rafters of a church, the way a boy's hand remembers the first shy touch of a girl.  They were riding high, Pete and Tommy, faltering sometimes, but falling to each other's shoulders.  The Lieutenant had said, Mac, you were right about him, for sure.  And the Captain had even thanked him for the recommendation - but please, he'd said, creases milding his eyes, keep them out of my office.  

Mac thought he could do that, he said to Pete, the Captain tells me if you give him any more grey hairs he's going to start charging you for the dye job.

"Just me?  What about Tommy?"

"You're the senior man, Pete.  You've got responsibilities now."

"You mean I've got custody."

"That's another way to put it."

"I'll have him in home and in bed by one o'clock."

"Make sure he brushes his teeth."

"You got it, Papa Bear."

Pete was smiling when he left him, and smiling when he swung Tommy out to the parking lot by the shoulder.  Mac had followed them.  It was a cool night,  and a dense fog had lumbered into the basin, and in the drizzle their breath hovered in front of their faces as they got in the car, talking about something.  Probably women, or perhaps where to go for seven.  Maybe where to stash another fake scorpion.  Mac had a cigarette, watching them pull away.  

The smile on Pete's face, and the way the drizzle had collected like stars on Tommy's jacket collar, are fixed in his mind as sure as a snapshot.  

The next time he saw Pete there had been some expression frozen to his face, something Mac had never seen before, and something that scared him back to being twenty with a rifle in his hands.  The look on his face was like an trapped animal, and his teeth, bared and chattering, shone in the damp black night.  

Tommy was dead on the ground out in front a of a very ordinary looking house, a yellow Craftsman with a picket fence, a slate walkway, a neatly trimmed lawn and a wreath of plastic flowers on the door, which was open.  

Tommy's eyes were open, too, halfway, and his mouth, and Mac thought maybe the light from the porch was casting a long shadow from Tommy's sprawled shoulder but it wasn't, it was blood, and the blood was still wet.

Blood and grass was in Pete's hair, on his jacket, on his knuckles.  There was a man mostly in the patrol car and he'd been cuffed and was spitting onto the curb.

Walters had Pete by the arm, both of them tense, Pete a storm and Walters a rowboat tossed on waves.  Walters' face was splashed with porch-light and pale with hollow fear.

There was so much to take in, so much to sort out.  On the back end of it, after the detectives had spit Pete back out and he sat in the locker room half in uniform, Mac had wanted to go to him, like a sergeant would, like a friend would.  But Pete was sitting there in his ruined shirt - the blood had dried in muddy blotches, and Mac thought he could smell it, like meat in the market, or maybe it was just the lockers, just the smell of men's bodies crammed in, joking and sweating and laughing and living.  

Pete just sitting there dumbstruck on the bench, his eyes far-off, looking young and strangely small, as if he'd shrunk a size or two.  Sat there like a kid who'd lost a fight too big to win, waiting on authority to come down on him.

Looking an awful lot like Reed did some nights after watch, an expression pinched with lonesome thoughts, trying to get it right, trying to catch a break, trying so hard he trips over his own feet, his face, his words, his hands.  

Mac isn't sure which of them he wants to grab and throttle more.  Jim, who runs headlong - every damn time - into Pete's wicked tongue or worse his silence, or Pete, too damn stubborn to remember who pulled the trigger.  He wants to shake some sense into the both of them, either of them, whoever runs afoul of him first.  It's a rotten, surly kind of anger, something that makes his chest feel like caving in.

It takes a warehouse bust to finally snap his temper like tinder on a hillside.  Nothing serious, but the kid takes a right-hook to the jaw and a carton of computer parts to the gut.  Reed is writing the report with an bag of ice to his face, when his nose starts bleeding again.  

"Aw, Christ, Reed, wouldya get that fixed?  Look, you're - jesus, you've fucked up your book."

"Sorry, sir," Reed mumbles, fumbling over grabbing a kleenex or shoving the ice-bag into his face.  "Sorry," comes out all muffled.

"Don't be fucking sorry, kid, don't do it!"

In the time he's been Sergeant, Mac has pulled rank less than a hand of times on Pete.  Not because they're friends - but because his friend has never made it necessary.  

"Malloy." He barks, his voice dropping an octave, calling up his service days, and the few officers still around make themselves scarce.

Because they're friends, though, Mac drags him to the locker room and not his office, where the window makes it too easy for the rubberneckers to lurk.

"What in the hell is this about?"

That stubborn kid from the Academy with the smoke-blue eyes is staring back at him with boxer's shoulders cocked.  "What?"

"You! Reed! You've raked that kid over the coals almost every watch I've seen you two - everything he does right, you give him two things he did wrong."

"You wanted me to teach him."

"Teach him!  Pete, you're grinding him down to a nub, lay off, will you?"

"Lay off, what'll that get him?  A fist in his teeth, like tonight?  I let him get complacent, he's liable to get a bullet in his head."

"I'm not asking you to give him free rein, I'm asking you to be reasonable.  A bloody nose isn't his fault."

"It's his fault for getting it, isn't it?"

"Is it?  Who's his FTO, Pete?  Who's his partner?  Who's supposed to be looking out for him?"

That's the wrong thing to say, and Mac knows it.  Pete's face seals it, that stunned look from eight weeks ago, the hands with the blood on them that wasn't his, and the ruined shirt crumpled on the floor outside the showers.  

He's known him long enough to dodge the hit, and he hasn't been so long off the streets that his body's forgotten how to fight.  

If anybody's thinking about coming to the lockers about now, they'd damn well better think twice.

If anybody sees them, he's going to have to save face, he's going to have to be the sergeant, and he can't do it, can't twist the knife he's already jammed in.

So he pins Pete, like he'd wrestle a perp, and Pete curses him, curses his family, curses Jim, curses God and the world, curses Tommy Parker, and finally, finally, he curses himself.

"Jesus.  Jesus fucking Christ, what'd I do, Mac, what'd I do?  I've thought about it a hundred, a thousand times, what'd I do?  Why didn't I think of it, why didn't I remind him, stay to the side?  Why'd I send him first?  He wasn't ready, Mac, he wasn't."

"If you'd gone, it might be him taking a swing at me right now."

Pete laughs a jolting laugh, like boxcars clanging in the yards.  "Tom couldn't hit the broadside of a barn."

"No.  Wasn't much of a fighter."

Pete breathes in deep, breathes out hard.  But his eyes are softer.  

"Pete," he says, letting him up and letting him stand, man-to-man, against the wall.  "It wasn't your fault."

"That's what everyone says."

"It isn't Reed's fault, either."

Pete looks away.  At the lockers.  At the scuffed floor.  At the ceiling, where one panel is askew, because Brinkman and Parker were relieving their high school glory days with an apple from the breakroom.

"Pete.  It's not his fault."

"Yeah." Pete sighs. "Yeah.  I know."

"Well, could you act like it, then?"

"What do you want me to do, hold his hand?"

"Apologize, for one.  Two, treat him like a person.  And three, get him a new ice pack and a box of kleenex."

Pete's smile is shaky, but it's the most genuine Mac's seen on him in two months.  "You gonna write me up for assaulting an officer?"

"No, but if you ever try anything like it again, I'm staking you out on the beach and dumping french fries on you.  Those Manhattan Beach gulls get hold of you, there won't be anything left to write up."

Pete shrugs. "Fair."  Pete brushes his uniform off.  Tucks the hem of his shirt back into his pants.  "Mac."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."