#now thats probably depression. its such a chore to do anything else. i need to do some laundry...

[nathank77]

4/9/24

7:18 p.m

I passed out around maybe 8 a.m potentially earlier. On the half MG without anything else.

I probably woke up about 4-6 times but I kept my eyes closed and I heard weird hallucinations like screaming or laughing-thats how I know I am about to fall back to sleep........ it's all the same volume but I can still make out what I hear. A scream is still the same volume as a whisper.. but yea I kept my eyes closed despite needing to pee cause I knew I was done for bc of those extra hallucinations.... I don't hear those during the day.

I woke up at 4:45 p.m..... my HSV2 inhibitor test and gonorrhea/chlamydia urine test was today at 4:40 p.m..... I ran out the door... drove to Quest, it's close... thankfully I had an extra pair of glasses in my backpack... I didnt have time to grab my glasses out of my case on my desk before I ran to Quest bc I really wanted to get it done. So this is one of those time where the whole having spare pairs of glasses is really helpful.. they saved my ability to be able to see when I was driving.

Luckily Quest did the tests..... I hate circadian rhythm disorder... I didn't want to open my eyes, I usually wake up to my alarm and I didn't this time. Back before I had psychosis I didn't wake up to my alarms but since Xanax I've been waking up to them almost everyday... when I opened my eyes I truly thought it was like 3 p.m... bc my alarm was set to 3:30 p.m.

My hallucination really is, "happy birthday," "I've got a birthday present," "that's the depressing part," and hearing my own thoughts being repeated which is maddening. I'm starting to regret aligning with it bc it makes it hard to say listen to a song/tv while thinking something out like what I got to do to today, etc... even without other types of chatter..

Anyways I await the results. I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea. I know that hsv2 test was a false positive, yet I'm still worried..

I hit CVS, and then took a shower. I'm home now writing. I have an appt with apple later about my phone number bc it's associated with another account.

I was going to check out some Eyewear places near me but of course with my circadian rhythm disorder, and the time frames its impossible. Maybe I'll start with lens crafters on Saturday and then next week my schedule is less busy and maybe I can make it work.

I'm anxious about oversleeping tomorrow bc of my T-Shot... at 3:45 p.m... I'm so sick of being tied down to this appt every other week. It can't be later than that.... if I could do it myself or have my gf/family/ or anyone reliable do it, I would have significantly less obligations to fulfill every single month. I mean it's a fucking chore. This month alone in total its 3 appts..... it's actually really a huge source of stress. If I could do it myself or have someone else to do it, well I would have had 2 ultrasounds this month, 2 Quest appts, and one dentist appt...

Anyways, maybe I'll game later. Maybe I'll just stare at the TV mindlessly. I got to take a 1MG tonight/tomorrow at like 4:30 a.m so hopefully I can fall asleep earlier and get 7 hours and wake up before 3 p.m.....

I have that stupid dentist appt bc the doctor couldn't see me the day of the cleaning on Friday... I might just cancel and reschedule I need down time. All these optical centers near me close at like fucking 5-6......... it would be cool to be able to swing by a few. They are close together. Maybe I really will reschedule cause like if I go to the dentist, I expect to get my teeth cleaned and see the doctor that same day and only come back if they find a problem...

I still have my ultrasound next Wednesday at 4 p.m on my lower region. I'm worried about that... making the appt. Then them finding something... despite their being no reason for me to think they'll find something.

I just feel like between circadian rhythm disorder, sleep issues, the voice always screaming to get my attention. My constant auditory hallucination forcing me to drown it out and my ocd always being there forcing me to make rules, avoid things, my life is so stressful.

I got my refund back and I can afford glasses. How can I fit going to a few stores locally into my schedule when I'm always going to the doctors and oversleeping...

I have my disability appointment on the 16th at 1:30... idk if I'm just going to reschedule it, maybe I'll take 1 mg and try to make it so the damn thing gets off my fucking to do list and I get my fucking back pay. I'll feel like fucking shit...

Beyond that my arm still hurts from my fall. The x-ray came back clean. I waited until my doctors appt and had her send me in a MRI... it got denied so I sent in the appeal paperwork...

But yea I'm trying hard to stay on the ball, everything is counting against me.

I thought something, what if Elise brings up brendan if I ever run into her. Well if she excessively brings up their plans. I'll assume she's happily married and I will be happy for her but I'll have to cope with that potential of us being together not ever happening.

If she brings up he is with the girls I'll assume nothing. If she says they talked about divorce I'll just listen and say I'm sorry. My jaw might drop a little. That's what I'd do..

Although I don't expect her to show up Saturday. I hope she does.

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

[thehyperkraken]

EDIT: yall idk why the actual fic isnt showing up in the tags but this shit is, bc thats literally the opposite of what i wanted, but for the love of god read the fic first and/or instead, that’s the thing i spent more than 20 minutes on: [link]

Hey random idea dump for that one fic i done did yeehaw... it’s almost longer than the fic itself but jesus christ i need to get these ideas out of my head and throw them into the internet ether, seriously don’t read this its a goddamn mess

So ghjkdf the actual plotty part of that fic came from that one b99 bit... the Bone one.....u kno

Arthur: Come on, Dutch. The O'Driscolls thing isn't the problem. You're in a bad mood because you've been so busy planning this heist that it's keeping you and Hosea apart. You two just need to bone. John: Oh no... Dutch: ...What did you say? John: Don't say it again! Arthur: I said you two need to bone. John: Oh my god... Dutch: (with barely contained fury) Hhhhhow Dare you Arthur Morgan, I am thIS GANG'S LEADER!!! You have NO RIGHT to comment on my sex life— (5 minutes later) Dutch, standing on top of a table screaming: BONE?!?!?! (10 minutes later) Dutch: What happens in my bedroom, son, is NONE of your business— (20 minutes later) Dutch, jumping up and down on the table: BOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!! (40 minutes later) Dutch: And don't EVER speak to me like that AGAIN! (storms off) John, sunken down in his chair in horror: Why the hell did you do that? Arthur: (shrugs) They need to bone. John: Gross, Arthur! That's our dads!

And then like a day later gfdhkg

John: Oh hey Dutch! I know you don't want to talk about Hosea, BUT, I had an idea— Dutch: No need, John, it's all good. John: So... your fight with Hosea is over? Dutch: Yep. John: Because you finally figured out a plan for the heist...? Dutch: Nope! Arthur, excitedly: Because you guys—? Dutch: Yyyyep! Arthur, looking smug: Knew it. John: Ugh... Arthur: (leans down close to him) See, what happened is, our dads had sex— John: UGH, SHUT UP!

Another inspiration I had was John Mulaney’s bit about zoning out for John with adhd,,,,, the part where he’s like “the doctor was reading me the results of a blood test, it was IMPORTANT that I LISTENED, but NO, I zoned out, I was like, I’m just gonna stare at the wall and think m’thoughts” that’s why I wrote the part where John was like “ehhh attention deficient something something disease” bc it made me laugh gjhggdjh

Dutch: so the doctor says you have ADHD John: (thinking about minecraft) what?

Also unrelated but blease consider Arthur teaching John to drive like

Arthur: are you watching the road? John: ........I am looking through the windshield Arthur: John: .......and I’m not gonna hit anyone...... Arthur: John: ....but no. I’m thinkin’ about minecraft

(Also I don’t know anything about ssb I’ve played it once and hated it, minecraft is my og video game love, but Abigail beating John at ssb is funnier, I’m a fake gamer boy :^( rip)

ONE MORE INSPIRATION THAT ONE VINE ITS MY FAVORITE VINE

Arthur: are you drinking coke for breakfast? John: yeah, what did you have for breakfast? Arthur: ........nothing John: (sipping his drink) I’m doing better than you, then

Anyway onto ACTUAL IDEA STUFF HOORAY

So when Dutch and Hosea decided to adopt, they agreed they wanted to take in kids who needed good homes the most, so they were specifically looking for older kids who would probably age out of the system and wind up on the streets

They met Arthur who was a clearly depressed and gender non conforming thirteen year old who hated everyone and everything and wasn’t getting the Love he Deserved, and Dutch was like “I want THAT ONE, with the SAD EYES”

Arthur tried to push them away at first, cuz he absolutely didn’t trust anyone, and some part of him believed they’d just give him right back up for adoption if he disappointed them in any way. But he eventually learned that they were good guys who really just wanted to help him, and they weren’t gonna abandon him if he wasn’t the perfect kid they always wanted

(he probably told them about this fear eventually and Hosea just snorted and was like “if we wanted a perfect kid we woulda got a cabbage patch doll. something that wouldn’t scream or make a mess” and Dutch was like “yeah! or like a 27 year old with a job and their own house and kids of their own. pre-made grandkids” and Hosea was like “or a cat” and Arthur was like “...okay”)

Anyway it took a loooong time but Arthur eventually trusted them enough to come out to them as trans, without really knowing the proper words for everything, just knowing that He Is A Boy And That’s That. As much as Hosea is the one the lads go to to talk about stuff and get comfort and Wise Dad Advice, he probably told Dutch first bc he was more uncertain how he’d respond and he wanted to get it over with in the worst way possible.... like, if they were gonna react badly, heap all the bullshit on in one fell swoop

I imagine he did it off the cuff too, in response to something Dutch said, like Dutch was like “u get back here right now young lady” and Arthur was like “first of all I’m not a lady, I’m a BOY, and second of all FUCK you, I do what I WANT” and Dutch was like “groovy. you’re grounded.” Arthur was like (offended) “don’t say groovy... don’t try to be hip” and Dutch was like “no it’s totally tubular that ur a boy. It’s absolutely funky. You’re fucking grounded though”

Then he went and told Hosea like “congrats! it’s a boy” and they helped him transition and they didn’t tolerate a single person misgendering him the whole time. Like before he’s even begun transitioning, they’re literally at the doctors office to discuss it w/ their doc for the first time, and a nurse is like “ms. morgan?” And Dutch is like “INCORRECT” and the doctor is like “what seems to be the problem (deadname)?” and Dutch is like “FOOL! THIS CHILD WAS LABELED INACCURATELY, WE REQUIRE A GENDER RETRACTION” and Hosea’s like “please stop yelling”

Anyway probably about a year later they got John when he was ten and Arthur was fifteen. Arthur was a little bit jealous like, wow, am I not enough kid for u, but Dutch and Hosea always planned on getting at least two bc they wanted them to have siblings, and they know John came from a pretty abusive situation, so Arthur can’t be too mad at him. At least until he met John and realized what a fucking brat he is

Since John was younger and way more desperate for affection, he immediately loved Dutch and Hosea just bc they were nice to him, he was ready to call them his dads within the month but he was nervous that it was too soon and they’d be weirded out. But I imagine he got triggered by something and had a meltdown and they got to see just a glimpse of what he’d been through, and Dutch and Hosea were falling over themselves trying to comfort him and tell him they love him and now I’m making myself cry :’^(

Anyway... from that point on John was like “these are the only dads I’ve ever had and I would kill a man for them.” He gets in trouble quite a bit bc he’s Naughty, but Dutch and Hosea always make sure to punish him fairly and never yell or be physically intimidating with him or permanently take away his stuff, like they make him do chores to earn back the right to use the xbox or something. And they always explain to him exactly what he did wrong and why he’s being punished and talk to him about how he can make it better or what he can do next time, or if there’s a root problem, like he’s acting out bc he’s overwhelmed with school work or smthn, how they can help him. Especially after he gets diagnosed with ADHD

And of course they do all this with Arthur too, but they make a special concerted effort with John bc he’s The Baby :^) and Dutch somehow maintains an attitude of “idk what ur talking about, John has never done anything wrong ever in his life” every time he gets in trouble meanwhile Hosea is like “what do you MEAN, he’s a GREMLIN” fjfjfhhf

Arthur was probably diagnosed with depression and anxiety at some point... it was probably a long process to get him to even admit he had a problem bc he didnt wanna bother anyone... Arthur also probably came from an abusive situation from the way canon Arthur talks about his dad, but Arthur is much more the type to be like “i’m gonna keep all my feelings inside, and then one day, i’ll die” whereas John is like “i will SCREAM if i get a papercut”

[EDIT: i woke up in a cold sweat at 4 AM with this in my head so now i’m putting it here

Charles: So, Arthur... Do you wanna talk about your feelings? Arthur: No. John: I do! :) Charles: ...I know, John. John: I’m sad! :) Charles: I know, John.

i’m sure it’s been done before but it’s so good. ok now back to our regularly scheduled programming]

In regards to Arthur being trans, John doesn’t really Get It, Arthur tried to explain it to him once and John couldn’t care less, all he knows is Arthur used to be a girl or something, there’s tea involved probably, and John is thinking about minecraft again... he has 2 am thoughts about it sometimes and comes to Arthur like “what IS gender” and Arthur’s just like “hm. big mood”

Dutch is “Dad” and Hosea is “Papa” or “Pa” or “Pops” or “Dad, No Not You, The Other One” or “Other Dad.” Hosea really doesn’t mind at all, he wouldn’t care if the kids called him Hosea or mom or anything else, it truly isnt important to him. But Dutch Loves being Dad. Every time they call Dutch Dad he grows three times stronger and 10 years are added to his lifespan. Dutch is an Alpha Parent, he 100% goes to every parent teacher conference and bake sale, he’d go to every game and concert too if either of his kids had a single athletic or musical bone in their dumb little bodies. I guess the school probably hosts art galleries sometimes to display art the kids make, Arthur always has a drawing in one of those, and Dutch will absolutely go just to brag about his cool son.

Dutch is the Fun Energetic Dad who embarrasses the boys in front of their friends but can always be talked into taking them out to get ice cream. Hosea is the more quietly anxious dad, he makes sure they do their homework and keep their rooms clean and shit, and he's the one the kids always go to talk to when they’re having problems... like Arthur will rant for an hour and a half about high school drama and Hosea will patiently listen to all of it and when he's done he’ll offer to kick the other kids’ asses for him, and Arthur’s like lmao but Hosea Means It.

Hosea is also the one the kids go to for help on their homework because Hosea and Dutch have five brain cells between them, and four of them belong to Hosea. Dutch is like “suddenly I don’t remember basic math, time to make shit up” and Hosea is like “I must become an expert on 1820s Chinese history in two days for my beautiful sons”

I have NO idea what either of their jobs are, I wanna say Hosea is a lawyer or smthn but idk, Dutch is probably like......................a used car salesman LMAO...... they clearly make a lot of money (or maybe STOLE SOME) bc I gave them a huge house w/ a pool gjhkdhg

Anyway more about THE KIDS

They go to a school that is a combination middle school and high school, bc that’s what my school was like

Mrs. Grimshaw is the strict and irritable principal with a secret soft spot for kids, Mr. Pearson is the cafeteria cook, Strauss works in the office, I wanna say Rev. Swanson is a weird but friendly janitor or something lmao. Uncle is Dutch & Hosea’s annoying forever-drunk neighbor who everyone barely tolerates fjfjhfh

Micah is The School Bully but like bc this is a cutesy high school au and I can do what I want, he’s not actually like a violent racist or anything he’s just a bad mad sad kid who is a huge dick

Bill is Micah’s Bully Henchman, he’s generally not as much of a dick as Micah is, but he punches whoever Micah asks him to bc they are the closest thing to friends that either of them have

Trelawny is a new student who just moved from another school and he’s that fucking Weird Magician Kid who can’t hold a conversation longer than five seconds without saying “wanna see a magic trick,” tried to do some unimpressive card tricks for the school talent show, unironically wears a cape, etc.... Arthur stood up for him when he was getting pushed around by Micah and Bill so now Arthur has +1 more weird friend

Karen is the Popular Girl who somehow knows everyone, is probably a cheerleader, everyone is either extremely intimidated by her or thinks she’s gonna be a stuck up bitch, but she’s actually just super fucking chill and nice, WILL stab a man for her friends, she won’t hesitate bitch

Tilly is Karen’s bff who was getting bullied by *shakes fist* those dang foreman brothers.... Karen stood up for her and Tilly was like “no don’t u will get hurt!!” and Karen was like “ha... fool... cheerleaders cannot die” and whooped ass with her gymnastics skills and somehow got the foreman brothers expelled. So now Tilly is like “I owe u one (1) Life Debt” but Karen is like “nah it’s chill just come to target w/ me & we’ll call it even.” Tilly is just tryna get shit done and do her damn homework but everybody else is going on adventures and being nuisances so of course Tilly has to go too bc come on....... who do you take her for, some kinda two-bit GEEK? NO WAY

Mary Beth is a quiet nerdy girl who’s always reading or writing and never talks in class or anything. Karen and Tilly became her friends thru sheer brute force, Karen just sat by her one day n was like “sup” and Mary Beth was too shy to ask her to leave. They were surprised to discover Mary Beth is actually pretty nice and funny when you get to know her and also the Biggest Lesbian Alive

Sadie is a BAD BITCH... NOBODY fucks with Sadie, not even Micah, Sadie is the girl who when some dipshit boy spreads a rumor that he had sex with her, she agrees and tells everyone she pegged him and he cried after, she hasn’t given a fuck since 2007. she climbs on the roof to get lost frisbees. one time she got the gym coach to agree to give her an automatic A in the class if she did 100 push ups in 5 minutes. Then she Did That. She might have pulled several muscles in both of her arms but She Did That. Karen, Tilly, and Mary Beth (but mostly Karen) approached her like “damn that was sick” and Sadie was like “yea i know” and then they were friends

I literally don’t know anything about Sean I’m sorry...... maybe he’s a transfer student who becomes friends with John, they play Minecraft together and Sean boobytraps the houses John builds. Sean is the only living human being who understands how redstone works and he uses his powers for evil

Molly is going to a nearby community college and is working at the high school part time as a TA and she is like 19-20 or smthn so the kids all think she’s The Hottest Shit,,,, like they think she’s just the coolest hippest person alive, but also she is Very Attractive so fuckin everybody has a crush on her, most specifically Javier and Mary Beth. She ineptly tries to flirt with Dutch every time he comes to a parent teacher conference bc she’s dummy thicc and thinks it’s friendship goals that Dutch lives with and has adopted children with his Best Bud Hosea

The teacher Molly is TA for is Charles Chatenay, an all-grades art teacher who takes his job WAY too seriously, like dude chill they’re high schoolers. His class is where Arthur met Albert, bc Arthur loves drawing and obviously Albert loves photography. They were both like “wow he’s cute” but were too shy to talk to each other for more than basic pleasantries, until one day Albert’s Big Project was ruined a day or two before he was gonna turn it in, and Arthur helped him fix it.

They’re so sweet on each other it’s unbearable, they’re both Soft Boys so they fuckin blush if they make eye contact...... the most bold either of them get is when Arthur is feeling insecure about his body and Albert gladly tells him how perfect and handsome he is in every way, and he wishes he was half as gorgeous as Arthur is, and Arthur is like (offended) um, excuse me, how dare u insult my beautiful boyfriend in this way?? They both wanna grow beards so while they’re still going thru Changes they excitedly bond over their facial hair......... they run up to each other at school like LOOK AT MY NEW CHIN HAIR and the other one is like WOW!!! GOOD JOB

Javier has a big lovely family who spoil him rotten and tbh love to spoil his friends when they come over too, his parents are in a constant and devastating game of dish-gifting with Dutch & Hosea, Arthur and John have eaten more of Mr. & Mrs. Escuella’s tamales than any other food, neither Dutch nor Hosea are very good cooks but luckily Javier has plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins who are happy to occasionally take one of their unimpressive lasagnas or cakes from a box mix

Lenny’s cool dad in canon is the high school au dad of Charles and Lenny, he and Charles’s mom amicably divorced and he got remarried to Lenny’s mom, who is a Cool Stepmom to Charles. Charles and Lenny go stay with Charles’s mom all the time, in fact she was around so much when they were younger that she practically helped raise them both. maybe she gets a gf and Charles and Lenny have so many moms and are so loved & cherished like they fuCKIN DESERVE

Kieran is the weird horse girl at school, he’s Lenny’s age, they become friends when they’re forced to sit next to each other and they’re both too awkward and shy to say anything until they’re paired up on a project together bc everyone else in the class already paired up and they were the only ones left gjkhfd.... John wants to dislike Kieran bc Lenny is HIS friend now, but Kieran is a sweet lad with a mean dad.... His dad is Colm O’Driscoll, Dutch & Hosea’s other neighbor and Dutch’s sworn enemy

Dutch expects Kieran to be as shitty as his dad, but he is a SWEET BOY, and as soon as they realize his situation, they tell Kieran he can come over whenever he wants and spend the night any time, he doesn’t have to ask or anything, but Kieran is super respectful and always asks permission and always tries to come over when John or Arthur are there so he can go under the pretense of hanging out with them, bc he doesn’t wanna intrude...

Once he came over when Hosea was the only one home and he was like “hi Mr. Matthews are John and Arthur home” and Hosea was like “no sorry they’re out” and Kieran was like “oh... ok sorry I’ll just go then” and Hosea was like “absolutely not” and brought Kieran in and made him snacks and wrapped him in many blankets and watched a kids movie with him until he fell asleep on the couch... when Dutch came home he was like “??? new son ???” and Hosea was like “yea I guess. oops”

When Kieran gets older they help him become an emancipated minor and get a job and his own place (even tho he knows they’d let him stay with them if he wanted) and he changes his last name to his mom’s maiden name Duffy... Colm and Dutch glare at each other over their fences and Colm is like “enjoying stealing my son?” and Dutch is like “my son now” but Colm really doesn’t care bc he’s an asshole... and even tho they don’t legally adopt him, Kieran’s like “I’m more of a Van der Linde than an O’Driscoll” and oops i’m making myself cry again :’)

And yes Abigail does eventually teach John how to play stupid super smash bros. She’s Pro Gamer level of competent at nearly all video games and John has the biggest heart eyes for her, the end thank u for listening

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

May 2, 2022

I have had a day to process and I am just getting more angry. 

I have expressed my frustrations with my schedule, how things change quickly, how I am really bad at planning and how I forget things. I have had the worst scatter brain and I am admitting to probably being depressed. The last three weeks for me have been hard. I have been trying to work my 5 jobs, date, gym, see friends and do things other than the gym, balance family and me time. Also take care of my animals and plants. 

I don’t have time for half the things I am trying to make time for. I am losing myself in the process. 

I am overly sad, not enjoying things I usually enjoy and am sleepy way more than usual. Safe to say depression is kicking in.

I don’t feel like the people around me who should care, do. I feel like they don’t care about my side of things or the efforts I put towards anything. It just isn’t enough because its not the way they want it. 

I need to be alone. I need to do things for myself. I can’t see the same person 5 times a week. I have other friends and I need time for me, on top of all my other commitments. 

I guess I have to see her tomorrow. I want to go to the gym, but alone. I hate that we have to do everything together. I go to the gym without her when she has other plans, but don’t get invited to the movies. Goes to workout with her mom from time to time, but I can’t do that. She can not go to the gym because of her headache, but I have a headache and need to go. 

It’s great to have someone to go to the gym with, but you don’t always need to go together. You don’t always need to do the same things. Not everyones body is the same. If I want to do cardio, I am going to do cardio. If I want to do hip thrusts, I am going to do hip thrusts. If I need a week off from seeing people I need to say that. People don’t care about my feelings or the steps I took to make sure I covered them, then I need to have my own back. 

I don’t want to baby sit. One thing getting memberships together and wanting to go together, but theres also freedom. Thats why we have two separate memberships. I went to that gym on my own before, I went to school to be a PT. The gym should feel like an escape, but a chore. 

The rest of my hobbies feel the same and I am over it. Its already 12:30 and I need to sleep or else I am not waking up tomorrow. 

I woke up early this morning and got an hour and a half of work done. I want to do the same tomorrow. I need money and this is the only way I can get it right now. I need to make up my humber hours in the app hours. Even though the pay isn’t the same, at all. I can still make up for some of it. If I do 10h of app work I can make up for it weekly. LOL thats so sad. It is what it is. I even remember brining up that I haven't been sleeping and I'm stressed. Apparently none if that matters. 

It made me feel worthless, disrespected, unheard, selfish, frustrated. 

Shaky, increased heart rate, uneasy stomach, eyes wanted to close, loss of focus, sweaty, sparse breathing, cold. 

[imaginesofoverwatch]

Last year on my birthday I tore a ligament in my right knee. My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and all I can think about is my knee. Can you write Reaper, McCree, and the brothers Shimada comforting their s/o who is dreading their birthday?

IM SO SORRY THAT ITS PROBABLY PAST YOUR BIRTHDAY NOBODY KNEW HOW TO WRITE THIS AND ITS TOTALLY TOO LATE AHHHH, BTW HAPPY LATE LATE LATE BIRTHDAY! IM SORRY FOR BEING A DISSAPOINTMENT HAHAH

Reaper :

He wasn`t big on birthdays himself, but when he saw how nervous you got around your birthday, he was worried

He didnt really know how to help you, the situation was new to him.

He confronted you about how you had been acting, offering to let you vent or tell him anything thats bothering you, cause he can honestly listen to you for a long periods of time with no problem whatsoever.

After you got to finish venting, he offered to watch a movie and cuddle

He kept his hands around you, hoping that it could maybe turn your attention to him touching you and not your knee

Mccree :

He found out about your knee a few months before your birthday, just some random fact, but he knew already then that it was gonna be a little bit of a rough patch for you

I mean look at his left arm, he can get quite depressed around the anniversary of loosing the damn thing, he definitively understands your trouble

He isn`t really one to get sappy and such, isn`t really good at comforting people with words either.

What he did do, was organize a few nights for just you and him to eat junk food and catch up on random series, spend time together, anything really

Also, he made sure to give you lots of kisses too

Genji :

Same as Mccree, he knows how it feels, tough, he has learnt to accept experience, he can remember what he felt when he was still mad and depressed.

He will offer you to vent to him, if you decline, thats fine, he`ll just cuddle you in a comfortable silence, probably till one of you fall asleep.

He offers to do chores, cuddle and give you “kisses” whenever you want.

Meditating was really helpful to him, so he insists on you meditating with him.

He can get quite worried over how you are doing when you wont tell him, but when he tells you that he loves you and sees your smile, he knows that maybe you are doing a little better now. Yes i kind of stole that from alejandras mom, it fits shut up

Hanzo :

God help this man he didnt know how to help you, he is so sorry

he tried anything to keep your smile and to distract you

Normally, he had a lot of meetings and work that got in the way of you two, but he honestly could care less, how he saw it, it was either work, or your happiness, easy choice

If you need anything, he is already off to get it for you.

He was trying his best, but at the end of the day, when all else failed, giving you a hug, cuddle, comforting silence and a kiss on the forehead was his only hope

[jakesanxietydiary]

5/29/21

More strange days.  The past few days have been pretty much repeats of each other.  I’ve been playing an old Mario game I really liked back in the good days.  Its mostly serving as a time sink.  I think my betta fish has fin rot and/or ick.  Its my fault for letting his old tank get so dirty so I have him set up in a big tupperware container soaking in fish medicine, I’m calling it the hospital tub.  My day has consisted of doing chores, laying down, tending to my fish, laying down some more, watching tv, more laying down.  Im spending a lot of time in bed as I get more impatient and despondent with the state of my mental health.  I also went to see Anthony on Wednesday.  Nothing worked and I wasn’t shocked, I didn’t really want to go but I get worried that if i turn Anthony down he’ll stop reaching out to me.  I guess the contact was nice, we cuddled for a while after and just talked about life.  He wants to take his kids to see Shrek since I spoke so highly of it, lol.  Last time this happened (nothing working) I left feeling numb and empty, really messed me up.  This time I left kind of feeling the same as when I got there.  My brain really does not want men right now.  Probably because Im like.. obsessed with being sick.  So much that I can’t truly let anything else in to affect me.  I dont know how to shake that, its on my mind all day from the second I open my eyes to the second I drift off to sleep.  

I talked with my mom, just because I had a few days of toughing it out pent up and I was frustrated and scared for myself.  I told her I’m just not able to keep myself together when I dont have any positive change.  She was pretty understanding.  I had a good cry, I think I really needed it.  Then in the aftermath of that, I felt something spark up in my brain, like a familiar feeling in a good way.  It was literally like the flip of a switch, in my head I was trying to tell myself “I am smart, I am funny, I am capable” and it was like an engine starting and I could feel some of the bad feelings in my head and neck go away.  I’ve been at least partially riding that feeling since then, about 2 hours ago.  Its not all the way right, of course... it never is, but I do think its a little better.  I guess sitting here Im still looking for that more feminine side of me, the side thats witty and flamboyant, likes doing drag.  Thinking about that part makes me anxious though so I’ll leave it alone for now.

Going to Tay’s house tomorrow for drag race and horror day.  We’re gonna watch Halloween 1 and 2.  I hope I can handle it. I know Tay will be cool if I say I can’t though.  They’re a great person.  

Anxiety: 4 Depression: 4 GLAD Grateful- My mom was nice to me when I came to her to talk Learned- Maybe my confidence level is something that I need to work on to get better.  Maybe more confidence affirmations. Accomplished- Set up the hospital tank for my fish and gave him his first dose of medicine.  I have to stay on top of this and be responsible for the life I chose to care for.

Delighted- This little change at the end of my day, this boost.  I hope it sticks around.  Whenever I get these I pray to God and say “Please just help me stay like this for a while.”  

[mysideblogofsurveys]

Survey 18

1. What plans do you have for the weekend? So this weekend is the Pokemon Go Fest (the yearly event for it) and we’re flying to Georgia to play it with our 2 friends. I’m excited because we love playing Pokemon Go with them BUT I’ve also been SO SO SO busy and I just want to not do anything and relax this weekend but oh well :/

2. What were you doing at 10:30 this morning? I was working :/

3. Tell me about the last conversation you had with someone you find attractive. What did you talk about? It was my husband, and we were just talking about the game he’s currently playing (Sea of Thieves)

4. Do you chew your pens? No

5. Have you ever made notes in a lesson, then looked back at them and found you couldn’t understand what they meant? I’m sure its happened.

6. Which do you like best - History or Geography? Why? Geography, I don’t like learning about History, its too depressing. But it also makes me want to fight for the freedoms we have in America.  Not a lot of other countries have the freedoms we do.

7. How many pets do you have?  What are their names? I don’t have any pets :(

8. Who was the last person you had a weird, funny, or random conversation with? My husband, we talk about everything and anything.

9. Are you upset about anything atm? Well, I told my boss we were moving back to the other side of the state yesterday (fully intending to put in my 2 weeks) and she wanted to talk to me about it again today.  I’m mad because I’m so ready to get the fuck out of this city but because of this virus, NONE of my co-workers want to come back into the office.  We have a huge project coming up at the end of August/beginning of Sept but because no one wants to help out with it, I’m STUCK here until the end of Sept (or my boss only seemed concerned about me sticking around until this project is done since they’re counting on my help). I don’t want to lose their references or leave them out of the blue, so I guess we’re here for another two months.

10. Think back to March 2012. Who were you in a relationship with? My husband but he was just my boyfriend at the time :) this was actually a few months before we moved the first time (to Seattle in Aug 2012)

11. Is there anything that’s happened recently, that you wish had turned out differently? Oh my GOD yes. Knowing what I know now, I 100% wouldn’t have taken this position (its been just over a year). I would have stayed on the other side of the state. I like my job but its not worth staying in a city we hate.  I am so happy to finally have an ETA of when we can move back.

12. Who was the last person of the opposite sex that you talked to on the phone? I think my Dad

13. Are you blood related to the last person you hugged? No

14. Is there something you do on a regular basis, that you don’t enjoy doing? Why? I actually hate taking showers.  I take them every single day (obviously, I have to be clean!) I dont know why, I just don’t like it, it just feels like a chore.

15. Do you have any Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston or Celine Dion songs on your iPod? I do have “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey and “Its All Coming Back to Me Now” by Celine Dion - and they’re on my Zune, not an iPod.

16. Have you ever felt jealous of anyone else’s success? I suppose? I’m jealous for everyone that owns a house and has kids.  Thats all I want from life right now. Although moving back to the other side brings us closer to those goals.

17. Who did you last speak to in person? My husband

18. Have you ever had a one-night stand? If you have, did you regret it afterwards? I’ve never had a one night stand.

19. Have you ever done something that you said you’d NEVER do? Um probably.  I can’t think of anything right now though.

20. What was the last thing you asked for help with? Who did you go to for help? My co-worker, I needed help figuring out how to enter something at work

21. Do you think it’s possible to love someone after being in a relationship for only a short amount of time? Yes I do, we fell pretty hard for each other quite quickly.

22. Who was the last person to text you? Ok, I actually got some weird text yesterday about being in line for Returns at Ikea??? It was like a reminder text that “you’re 7th in line so please make your way to the Returns Desk”.  Whats MOST concerning to me, is a I got a text 10 min after that that said “Thank you for being in contact with IKEA Returns”...uhhh. that was NOT me. I have not shopped at Ikea in YEARS (including online)

23. If your significant other had several other sexual partners before you, how much would that bother you? Would you worry about being compared to the others? How many previous sexual partners do you think is acceptable? I know he had about 2 partners before me.  It doesn’t bother me at all since everyone I knew had had sex.  I was the only person in each of my friend groups that was still a virgin lol (I was 21 he was 23 at the time)

24. Who was the last person of the opposite sex to send you a message on Facebook? What if you had a baby with that person? I don’t use FaceBook messenger or really use FB anymore. So I don’t know who the last person to message me was.

25. Who were the last girl and the last guy to facebook message you? What if these two people had a baby together? OK so now I remember it was my cousin who last messaged me because she was asking for my address to send me her wedding invitations.  I dont’ know who the last guy was though.

26. How many people of your preferred sex have hurt you? One for sure.  But it was an ex when I was 18.  It doesn’t bother me anymore though.

27. Have your friends ever talked to you about the forms of contraception they use? What form of contraception do you prefer? Ah, I’ve never been too close with other girls enough to talk about that. I’ve been on the pill but didn’t like how it made me feel (and as I’ve gotten older, I don’t trust something that prevents my body from doing something its naturally supposed to do - if that makes sense).  We just use condoms right now.

28. Has the last person you hugged ever made you cry? Yeah but it wasn’t anything serious.  Just over a dumb argument. 

29. When was the last time you ate chocolate? Its been a while >< we don’t typically have chocolate in the house

30. Do you like Charles Dickens novels? I like a Christmas Carol but I’ve never read it...I would like to though

31. If you told your parents that you were going to be a parent, how do you think they would react? I’m sure they’d say “its about time!!” lol.

32. You find out that the person you love/like is having a child with someone else. What do you say? I would be so fucking mad as we talk about having babies ALL the time

33. When was the last time you said something and thought “Why the hell did I say that?” What exactly did you say, and who did you say it to? How did the person react? Probably yesterday when I told my boss we’re moving.  I couldn’t find a good time to go into her office yesterday as it was really busy so I just kind of blurted it out as she walked by.  She was definitely taken off guard.

34. Who was the last person outside of family that told you they loved you? No one outside of my family in a long time.

35. Who is your 4th Facebook message from? Have you ever hugged/kissed that person? I don’t really use FaceBook so I have no idea who it was

36. Did someone/something upset you today? Just the fact that I can’t move as soon as we want to and I have to wait until this project is finished.  I guess that means I can save more money since I’ll be looking for a new job?  But we’re just so anxious to leave. 37. What song reminds you of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Haha wellllll Blink 182 because he’s listen to it them all the time. OR “Analogue” by A-Ha - part of the lyrics go: “All I want you to know, I love you. All I need is the time to show you”. We were hanging out in his garage after we broke up (I still liked him) and he put this song on before he went inside to grab something to drink so as I’m listening to the lyrics, I hear that part and think “OMG! He still loves me! He wants to get back together!” but when he came out, he realized his mistake of putting on this song...and it was quite awkward after that :(

38. Outside of family, who were the last 3 girls you talked to? At worked I talked to Joyce (my boss), Carmel and Helen.

39. Outside of family, who were the last 3 guys you talked to? My co-workers Jonathan, Matt and Colin

40. Who was the last person of the same sex to text you? How much do you know about the love life/sex life of that person? My mom and uhh..only that she’s been with my Dad LOL I don’t want to know any more than that!!

41. Who is/was your strictest teacher in school? I actually never really had strict teachers.  There were strict teachers in the school but I was never in their class

42. Have you ever felt so ill that you literally didn’t know what to do? No

43. Do you know all the words to the last song you listened to? Would you sing that song on karaoke? LOL ok so it was “Analogue” by A-Ha (I was making sure it was the right song) and yes, I generally know the lyrics and I guess I could sing it at karaoke.

[galimatios]

t/a rambles 1

back on my bullshit part 1

... should look into the tactics ogre games for novel inspo bc my novel is also a political drama ... UNINTENTIONALLY actually id call it a coming of age story in rhe new adult genre since mc is probably 23-25 i have so many feelings about the novel ugh i love my ocs so much and i put them all om opposing sides for this novel the most complex relationship i have in it i think is alex and his mother or rather prince kreutzer in this au queen elaine and her son prince kreutzer .. god its so fucked up bc kreutzer loves his mother- he was largely isolated as a child and his mother was always so loving and sweet and they were so so close but the prince never knew of the shit his mother did as queen she is a tyrant she must have lost a child once. a princess, i think probably to the king who she may have ... overthrew or usurped maybe but regardless of that shes in power now and because she lost a child she became overly protective of kreu and consolidated her power heard of a plot to infiltrate her kingdom and assassinate the son of the previous tyrant king (?) and she just fucking ruled with an iron fist because she has so little trust in the goodness of people that she thinks the only way to achieve good is to force it and as a result she kills anyone who steps out of line thus making the people resent her deeply but to kreutzer shes his mother his loving and doting mother who does all she can to protect him the novel actually starts um after the queen is assassinated h a its not her story but shes a big part of it even after her death bc a big portion of the theme is like coming to terms with the complexity of individuals no one is all good or all bad and kreu starts out unable to understand this he has a very black and white view of moralitt like his mother at the beginning on his coronation day theres an assassination attempt made on him but he gets whisked away by the court jester after that a coup is staged and rebels take over the country and the prince is forced to hide with a traveling circus that the jester brings him to where every performer... is a fugitive or criminal! and thats where his personal growth really begins bc he learns abt these people and realizes his world view was wrong people are complex people do bad things... for just reasons and vice versa esp Keith who makes a major appearance in the novel his entire bg story takes place outside the novel as well hahaha but its a lot after a raid on his village, hes orphaned along w his little sister who is ill so to make ends meet / buy medicine he does literally every fucking crime under the sun starting off with petty theft and scaling up to murder literally sacrificing every last shred of innocence he has for the sake of his ailing sister who... dies anyway! and im thinking, tbh, its a fantine/cosette/thenardiers type sitch where this quack doctor is basically scamming him except instead of fantine dying cosette does anyway thats where he fucking hits rock bottom he could handle things as long as he had someone to fight for you know he was alright with it bc his sister was there, his saving grace but when she dies hes all alone thats probably when lydia finds him i imagine he would he on the verge of suicide or at the very least dying of self imposed starvation and neglect but honestly probably suicide julie's death on top of the crushinf weight of all the crimes hes committed the innocence he lost, the lives he took its just way too much and hes just a naive kid lydia finds him and takes him back to the circus takes care of him gives him food and water and shelter and slowly tries to reach him slowly teaching him that there is still life to be lived that he is so young, and it is far too soon for him to lay down and die that he should live for his dead family, because that is what they would want to keep their memory alive in his heart and he begins to come around slowly starts doing chores for the troup then he finally sees one of their performances acrobats and the trapeze and the glitz and the glamor its the first time in years where he ... wasnt thinking about his dead sister or his trauma he asks lydia to teach him how to "do that" he says while pointing at the stage and so she does and ever since then hes taken up performing full time as a .. daredevil type act doing outrageously dangerous things for the thrill of it it excites him, the risk he loves to see how close to the edge of death he can walk without falling and it fuels him makes him enjoy being alive again and he's.. happy god by the time you meet keith in the novel he's just this happy go lucky teen with this smugness about him a kind of dangerousness belying a sweet exterior he's all jokes and laughs at this point and you'd never be able to tell what he went thru at first glance or at all really bc honestly, at this point he honest to god is okay lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 6:00 AM he... doesnt need anyone's pity. he doesn't need anything but the feeling of being alive now and one of the major points of the novel is prince kreu's relationship with him... bc at first they really clash and kreu is just... he's a fucking criminal and all of then deserve to hang keith plays this off w jokes at first but kreu keeps being antagonistic bc he just cant believe a criminal like him is getting away without punishment but then one day keith snaps at him knife to the prince's throat dangerous, cat like eyes, the usual smile on his face no where to be found you're right. i'm a thief. a liar. a criminal. a murderer. i'm all those things. but i'll tell you one thing, prince: i'm not worthless. he pulls the knife away and walks off leaving the prince stunned after this lydia talks to kreu explaining that maybe he shouldn't judge keith so quickly hinting that the circumstances of his life were... not ideal when i first found him, he was already half dead. perhaps not physically, but in the eyes. you could see the reaper in them. hhmgmgn i need to think more abt the circumstances around this scene ah keith must have been looking for a good place to die

the music from the circus reminded him of better days, when he played songs with his family. i imagine him.. outside the tent, somewhere obscured and there's music flowing from its interior... he's tired. he sits down against a barrel and he's been starving, exhausted... letting sleep take him away on the songs from the circus back to a time he used to be happy...

lydia fines him and shakes him but his eyes look glassy and he's unresponsive

he's taken poison must have been something from his former days working as an assassin something he saved for himself just in case and that's when lydia takes him in and nurses him back to health she's a water mage w healing capabilities so she's able to do it and i imagine at first keith is hurt, angry why am i still alive? i im fucking myself up in the feels i hate this THIS ISNT EBEN IN THE FUCKINF BOOK IT ALL HAPPENS BEFORE IT KEITJS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE BUT IM SO FUCKED UP ugh after kreutzer learns a bit abt keiiths origins he actually thinks a lot. and tries to make amends. apologizes to keith who doesnt say anything much he's sitting, eyes away from the prince, fiddling with the knives he uses for his performances

"a raid took my parents away. illness took away my sister."

"i did a lot of things for money. most of it i'm not proud of. but i would have done anything to save her... you know?"

"you've got someone you love too, don't you?" kreutzer thinks of his mother. the surrogate brother who disappeared on him and never returned "i do." "then, you get it." after this they start to really bond almost as siblings.. which is really funny bc kreutzer doesnt need to be protective of keith keith can MORE THAN take care of himself but its new for kreutzer to feel.. responsibility for someone else like this he was always the one protected before keith laughs at this a lot what're you trying to do? be my big bro? but secretly he ...really likes having family again as idiotic as kreutzer is ofc lydia has always been there for him but as a surrogate mother an older sib is new and.. kind of nice in canon modern au they really are basically bros LOL actually cousins via mothers but alex/kreu goes to live w keiths family after his mom (lain) dies so they essentially grow up like brothers i didn't even get started w the fucking mess that is alan and kreutzer alan goes by calisto also and he hes the court jester but he was trained from a young age as a snake in the kings court he was supposed to kill the prince when the time was right but alan and his dumb fucking gay ass FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM INSTEAD spoiler alert: its unrequited btwn alex and alan is NEVER requited in ALL aus its because alan ... doesnt love himself at all. he has no sense of... purpose or identity alex can never love someone like that but either way he becomes the prince's personal servant and entertainer and this idiot falls for him the naivete he displays, the timid stateliness, the unfitting title of prince bestowed on his shoulders- kreutzer is far too soft to be the leader of this kingdom and alan increasingly has the desire to protect him even as kreu grows older and more skilled in his studies there is always the anxious trepidation they also grow up together from around ages 11-present at the time of the novels start god alan loves him so much it hurts me but its so one sided alex loves cyrus in modern au ): alan could never be more than just a phase tbh poor guy alan and his low self esteem and depression the worst part of this thougg is that because alan feels aimless and without purpose when he falls for kreutzer he ... finally has his OWN cause to fight for and he takes it to the extreme betraying everyone that trusted him to do his job for the sake of a man who wont ever love him it bites him in the ass too bc i kill him off as a catalyst for other stuff h ahahahhahahahahahahaha not just kill him off but horribly because HE FUCKING BETRAYED HIS ENTIRE SIDE THEY ARE, UNDERSTANDABLY, PISSED Alan is so fuckong flawed hes a fuckinf mess and i love it ugh im thinkijg of another scene in the novel once kreutzer gets captured bt the coup rebels he actuallt submits himself voluntarily bc keith gets kidnapped and used as ransom keith tells him hes a fucking idiot keiths life doesnt matter dont fucking come for me! but kreu doesnt listen obviously and they torture kreutzer bc i love suffering and after that they make him listen in a mock trial to the testimonials of all the people hurt by his mother death to the queen! death to elaine of koel! all the horrible stories of lives unjustly cut short because of his mother it breaks him because he loves his mother so much but she's done all these horrible things he doesn't know what to do how to make amends the damage was done and he takes their wrath their scorn and anguish and i'm sorry as if sorry could ever fix anything but it is his burden to carry, his punishment to suffer in place of the queen ironically this makes lilya have a change of heart she was infiltrating the queens court just as alan did and she is directly responsible for her death her assassination, i think or the king's? either way shes part of the rebel forces and she DESPISES the queen good fucking riddance as far as she's concerned that woman made her life hell(edited) so she can rot in it for all lilya cares for but seeing kreutzer there bloodied tortured sobbing broken and taking the punishment doled out to him without so much as a word of protest(edited) she thinks... this... isnt right this is wrong. because kreutzer was not responsible for the sins of his mother as much as people want to blame him, take out their anger on him lilya was at first all gung ho about ending the royal bloodline lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 7:02 AM but she reconsiders this moment feels something tugging at her this isnt right

she remembers her sister back at the circus— lydia. who she always loved dearly but clashed with, leading to her abandoning the circus and joining the rebellion.

retribution is deserved, but should it be served? what then makes us different from our oppressors?

or sth like that so she rescues kreutzer takes him back to the circus. and reunites with her sister after so many years after that ik not entirely sure what to do w the novel LOL bc i know there has to he a big battle bc the rebellion forces begin to quell opposition like how the communist regime in other countries started in ernest bc people felt oppressed but then they went too far and started culling the middle class so then kreutzer leads his own rebellion force against them to take back the country then once he wins he uses his kinghood to dissolve the monarchy and embrace democracy instead asking lydia to lead hes much too tired to lead, and she is much better suited for it but hm inhabe to think more about that entire segment after this he takes over lydias spot in the circus as its owner and organizer and with keith he spends the rest of his days helping people just like keith also they properly mourn alans death it takes forever for kreu to come to terms w his mothers assassination and crimes he probably never truly works it out but he begins to be able to recognize that she is both the tyrant queen and his loving mother that they do not cancel eachother out, that they are not mutually exclusive they are one in the same UGH IM SO UPSET I WISH ID FUCKING WRITE THIS BC I WANT TO FUCKING READ IT the message i wanna convey is like people.. are complex, imperfect, and the systems they create are also subjected to that but everyone does things for a reason. no matter what that reason is and i want lydia to address this too when she becomes the new prime minister of koel a democracy is not perfect, because man is not perfect. there will be hardship, mistakes made along the way. but together we can grow, improve, and learn about one another— and better our society for it. and i believe anywhere injustice goes, justice will always follow(edited) sth like that ig

[ilikeswishcheese]

alright, i think i need to write this now, because most of my summer has been shit.

Straight up, the most ignored and lonely summer ever. I don’t wanna over exaggerate, but sincerely i thought after highschool i would lose most of my friends. And thats true. most people who i would say hi to in the halls and would have niche converstations with, they’ve stopped talking to me because we wern’t forced to see eachother anymore. But the level of loneliness has sky rocketed. Like i know its not other people’s jobs to pay attention to me. But it kinda is your job to reply to my messages. If you take a day to respond to my message, understandable, if you take 2 days understandable. if you just dont WANT to reply ALSO UNDERSTANDABLE. Its when you dont want to reply, and you think just ignoring me will make the “problem” go away. This frustrates me, because if you don’t wan to talk to me  fucking tell me to fuck off or smth i think that’s 100% acceptable and understandable, i know im not a person who can get along with everyone. This i thought was a niche scenario that would only happen 1 time and it would be over. Not going to lie, having someone ignore me is the worst experience i’ve probably ever had. Then it happened again, with someone i also didnt know that well, it also happened with someone i did know really well (but i foregive her beacuse she’s busy and also super popular and has more important people to talk to besides me). then it happened to a friend of mine who i considered very close and now i just feel like shit because no one wants to talk to me, im lonely and im just all around tired of this shit. Am i that boring/ annoying/ sadistic? i dont even know whats wrong with me, no one will talk to me. Did i do something that im not aware of, am i somehow losing my mind. On top of all of this, there are amazing, friendly and nice people who i’d love to talk to, and they’re super nice to me when we talk, its just im always the one initiating the conversations and i end up feeling like im forcing the conversation or forcing a reply. I don’t want to force anyone to do anything, i want it to be a relaxing conversation, but i want the conversations to be 50/50 or at least as close to it as possible, everytime im in a conversation it gets so 1 sided and i reply instantly and they reply maybe 1 time every other day. im sad and lonely and im pretty sure no one will want to talk to me again.

Depression. I think most if not all of my hobbies are turning into sad attempts at time filling. Im no longer doing things because i like them, im doing things because i’d rather be doing them then doing nothing. Mostly my hobbies have been league, skating and overwatch, (all things that i am awful at and get embarrassed to even talk to other people about.) but these time fillers have started to drain me, personally i’ve spent way to much time inside playing video games and watching youtube, but i’ve done it because its been an escape aswell as being enjoyable. but recently i can’t play league alone or else i do terrible in the games i get mad and i blame myself for being so bad. The hobby has just felt like a chore recently. And skating, its hard to call myself a skater, i know its a long proccess and everyone starts from nothing, but i feel pointless when im skating, im learning alot more recently but its felt like im doing it alone and im constantly worried that other people are judging me, it feels awful. Lastly, along with everything going awry and basically me feeling like shit and wanting to die and not do anything or fast foreward, i start work soon, i go on vacation and i have university to look foreward too. Its looking up, but im not sure how much longer i can handle people ignoring me, hobbies turning into chores and the amount of god damned bugs i have to kill in this house. Fuck you life and fuck everything you stand for because honestly you can suck my toe.