#nowhere near as close to her as jake was though but <//3 still <//3

[shuxiii]

Everyday pt.3

Hanni Pham x reader pt1, pt2, pt3, pt4, pt5, pt6, pt7, pt8, pt9, pt10, pt11, pt12, pt13

a/n feeling generous today so double update!!! still, credits are all given to the real author ''every day'' by David Levithan

Day 5996

All I get is tomorrow.

As I fell asleep, I had a glint of an idea. But as I wake up, I realize the glint has no light left in it.

Today I’m a boy. Yang Jungwon. Soccer player, but not a star soccer player. Clean room, but not compulsively so. Videogame console in his room. Ready to wake up. Parents asleep.

He lives in a town that’s about a four-hour drive from where Hanni lives.

This is nowhere near close enough.

It’s an uneventful day, as most are. The only suspense comes from whether I can access things fast enough.

Soccer practice is the hardest part. The coach keeps calling out names, and I have to access it like crazy to figure out who everyone is. It’s not Jungwon’s best day at practice, but he doesn’t embarrass himself.

I know how to play most sports, but I’ve also learned my limits. I found this out the hard way when I was eleven. I woke up in the body of some kid who was in the middle of a ski trip. I thought that, hey, skiing had always looked fun. So I figured I’d try. Learn it as I went. How hard could it be?

The kid had already graduated from the bunny slopes, and I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a bunny slope. I thought skiing was like sledding—one hill fits all.

I broke the kid’s leg in three places.

The pain was pretty bad. And I honestly wondered if, when I woke up the next morning, I would still feel the pain of the broken leg, even though I was in a new body. But instead of the pain, I felt something just as bad—the fierce, living weight of terrifying guilt. Just as if I’d rammed him with a car, I was consumed by the knowledge that a stranger was lying in a hospital bed because of me.

And if he’d died … I wondered if I would have died, too. There is no way for me to know. All I know is that, in a way, it doesn’t matter. Whether I die or just wake up the next morning as if nothing happened, the fact of the death will destroy me.

So I’m careful. Soccer, baseball, field hockey, football, softball, basketball, swimming, track—all of those are fine. But I’ve also woken up in the body of an ice hockey player, a fencer, an equestrian, and once, recently, a gymnast.

I’ve sat all those out.

If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s video games. It’s a universal presence, like TV or the Internet. No matter where I am, I usually have access to these things, and video games especially help me calm my mind.

After soccer practice, Jungwon’s friends come over to play World of Warcraft. We talk about school and talk about girls (except for his friends Sunoo and Jake, who talk about boys). This, I’ve discovered, is the best way to waste time, because it isn’t really wasted—surrounded by friends, talking crap and sometimes talking for real, with snacks around and something on a screen.

I might even be enjoying myself if I could only unmoor myself from the place I want to be.

Day 5997

It’s almost eerie how well the next day works out.

I wake up early—six in the morning.

I wake up as a girl.

A girl with a car. And a license.

In a town only an hour away from Hanni’s.

I apologize to Ahn Yujin as I drive away from her house, a half hour after waking up. What I’m doing is, no doubt, a strange form of kidnapping.

I strongly suspect that Ahn Yujin wouldn’t mind. Getting dressed this morning, the options were black, black, or…black. Not in a goth sense—none of the black came in the form of lace gloves—but more in a rock ’n’ roll sense. The mix in her car stereo puts Janis Joplin and Brian Eno side by side, and somehow it works.

I can’t rely on Yujin’s memory here—we’re going somewhere she’s never been. So I did some Google mapping right after my shower, typed in the address of Hanni’s school, and watched it pop up in front of me. That simple. I printed it out, then cleared the history.

I have become very good at clearing histories.

I know I shouldn’t be doing this. I know I’m poking a wound, not healing it. I know there’s no way to have a future with Hanni.

All I’m doing is extending the past by a day.

Normal people don’t have to decide what’s worth remembering. You are given a hierarchy, recurring characters, the help of repetition, of anticipation, the firm hold of a long history. But I have to decide the importance of each and every memory. I only remember a handful of people, and in order to do that, I have to hold tight, because the only repetition available—the only way I am going to see them again—is if I conjure them in my mind.

I choose what to remember, and I am choosing Hanni. Again and again, I am choosing her, I am conjuring her, because to let go for an instant will allow her to disappear.

The same song that we heard in Minji’s car comes on—And if I only could, I’d make a deal with God.…

I feel the universe is telling me something. And it doesn’t even matter if it’s true or not. What matters is that I feel it, and believe it.

The enormity rises within me.

The universe nods along to the songs.

I try to hold on to as few mundane, everyday memories as possible. Facts and figures, sure. Books I’ve read or information I need to know. The rules of soccer, for instance. The plot of Romeo and Juliet. The phone number to call if there’s an emergency. I remember those.

But what about the thousands of everyday memories, the thousands of everyday reminders, that every person accumulates? The place you keep your house keys. Your mother’s birthday. The name of your first pet. The name of your current pet. Your locker combination. The location of the silverware drawer. The channel number for MTV. Your best friend’s last name.

These are the things I have no need for. And, over time, my mind has rewired itself, so all this information falls away as soon as the next morning comes.

Which is why it’s remarkable—but not surprising—that I remember exactly where Hanni’s locker is.

I have my cover story ready: If anyone asks, I am checking out the school because my parents might be moving to town.

I don’t remember if there are assigned parking spaces, so just in case, I park far from the school. Then I simply walk in. I am just another random girl in the halls—the freshmen will think I’m a senior, and the seniors will think I’m a freshman. I have Yujin’s schoolbag with me—black with anime details, filled with books that won’t really apply here. I look like I have a destination. And I do.

If the universe wants this to happen, she will be there at her locker.

I tell myself this, and there she is. Right there in front of me.

Sometimes memory tricks you. Sometimes beauty is best when it’s distant. But even from here, thirty feet away, I know that the reality of her is going to match my memory.

Twenty feet away.

Even in the crowded hallway, there is something in her that radiates out to me.

Ten.

She is carrying herself through the day, and it’s not an easy task.

Five.

I can stand right here and she has no idea who I am. I can stand right here and watch her. I can see that the sadness has returned. And it’s not a beautiful sadness—beautiful sadness is a myth. Sadness turns our features to clay, not porcelain. She is dragging.

“Hey,” I say, my voice thin, a stranger here.

At first she doesn’t understand that I’m talking to her. Then it registers.

“Hey,” she says back.

Most people, I’ve noticed, are instinctively harsh to strangers. They expect every approach to be an attack, every question to be an interruption. But not Hanni. She doesn’t have any idea who I am, but she’s not going to hold that against me. She’s not going to assume the worst.

“Don’t worry—you don’t know me,” I quickly say. “It’s just—it’s my first day here. I’m checking the school out. And I really like your skirt and your bag. So I thought, you know, I’d say hello. Because, to be honest, I am completely alone right now.”

Again, some people would be scared by this. But not Hanni. She offers her hand, introduces herself as we shake, and asks me why there isn’t someone showing me around.

“I don’t know,” I say.

“Well, why don’t I take you to the office? I’m sure they can figure something out.”

I panic. “No!” I blurt out. Then I try to cover for myself, and prolong my time with her. “It’s just … I’m not here officially. Actually, my parents don’t even know I’m doing this. They just told me we’re moving here, and I … I wanted to see it and decide whether I should be freaking out or not.”

Hanni nods. “That makes sense. So you’re cutting school in order to check the school out?”

“Exactly.”

“What year are you?”

“A junior.”

“So am I. Let’s see if we can pull this off. Do you want to come around with me today?”

“I’d love that.”

I know she’s just being nice. Irrationally, I also want there to be some kind of recognition. I want her to be able to see behind this body, to see me inside here, to know that it’s the same person she spent an afternoon with on the beach.

I follow her. Along the way, she introduces me to a few of her friends, and I am relieved to meet each one, relieved to know that she has more people in her life than Minji. The way she includes me, the way she takes this total stranger and makes her feel a part of this world, makes me care about her even more. It’s one thing to be love-worthy when you are interacting with your girlfriend; it’s quite another when you act the same way with a girl you don’t know. I no longer think she’s just being nice. She’s being kind. Which is much more a sign of character than mere niceness. Kindness connects to who you are, while niceness connects to how you want to be seen.

Minji makes her first appearance between the second and third period. We pass her in the hall; she barely acknowledges Hanni and completely ignores me. She doesn’t stop walking, just nods at her. She’s hurt—I can tell—but she doesn’t say anything about it to me.

By the time we get to math class, the fourth period, the day has turned into an exquisite form of torture. I am right there next to her, but I can’t do a thing. As the teacher reduces us to theorems, I must remain silent. I write her a note, as an excuse to touch her shoulder, to pass her some words. But they are inconsequential. They are the words of a guest.

&n

bsp; I want to know if I changed her. I want to know if that day changed her, if only for a day.

I want her to see me, even though I know she can’t.

She joins us at lunch.

As strange as it is to see Hanni again, and to have her measure so well against my memory, it is even stranger to be sitting across from the jerk whose body I inhabited just three days ago. Mirror images do no justice to this sensation. She is more attractive than I thought, but also uglier. Her features are attractive, but what she does with them is not. She wears the superior scowl of someone who can barely hide her feelings of inferiority. Her eyes are full of scattershot anger, She posture one of defensive bravado.

I must have rendered her unrecognizable.

Hanni explains to her who I am, and where I come from. She makes it clear that she couldn’t care less. She tells her she left her wallet at home, so she goes and buys her food. When she gets back to the table with it, she says thanks, and I’m almost disappointed that she does. Because I’m sure that a single thank-you will go a long way in her mind.

I want to know about three days ago, about what she remembers.

“How far is it to the ocean?” I ask Hanni.

“It’s so funny you should say that,” she tells me. “We were just there the other day. It took about an hour or so.”

I am looking at her, looking again for some recognition. But she just keeps eating.

“Did you have a good time?” I ask her.

Hanni answers. “It was amazing.”

Still no response from her.

I try again. “Did you drive?”

She looks at me like I’m asking really stupid questions, which I suppose I am.

“Yes, I drove” is all she’ll give me.

“We had such a great time,” Hanni goes on. And it’s making her happy—the memory is making her happy. Which only makes me sadder.

I should not have come here. I should not have tried this. I should just go.

But I can’t. I am with her. I try to pretend that this is what matters.

I play along.

I don’t want to love her. I don’t want to be in love.

People take love’s continuity for granted, just as they take their body’s continuity for granted. They don’t realize that the best thing about love is its regular presence. Once you can establish that, it’s an added foundation to your life. But if you cannot have that regular presence, you only have the one foundation to support you, always.

She is sitting right next to me. I want to run my finger along her arm. I want to kiss her neck. I want to whisper the truth in her ear.

But instead I watch as she conjugates verbs. I listen as the air is filled with a foreign language, spoken in haphazard bursts. I try to sketch her in my notebook, but I am not an artist, and all that comes out are the wrong shapes, the wrong lines. I cannot hold on to anything that’s her.

The final bell rings. She asks me where I’ve parked, and I know that this is it, this is the end. She is writing her email address on a piece of paper for me. This is goodbye. For all I know, Ahn Yujin’s parents have called the police. For all I know, there’s a manhunt going on, an hour away. It is cruel of me, but I don’t care. I want Hanni to ask me to go to a movie, to invite me over to her house, to suggest we drive to the beach. But then Minji appears. Impatient. I don’t know what they are going to do, but I have a bad feeling. She wouldn’t be so insistent if making out weren’t involved.

“Walk me to my car?” I ask.

She looks at Minji for permission.

“I’ll get my car,” she says.

We have a parking lot’s length of time left with each other. I know I need something from her, but I’m not sure what.

“Tell me something nobody else knows about you,” I say.

She looks at me strangely. “What?”

“It’s something I always ask people—tell me something about you that nobody else knows. It doesn’t have to be major. Just something.”

Now that she gets it, I can tell she likes the challenge of the question, and I like her even more for liking it.

“Okay,” she says. “When I was ten, I tried to pierce my own ear with a sewing needle. I got it halfway through, and then I passed out. Nobody was home, so nobody found me. I just woke up, with this needle halfway in my ear, drops of blood all over my shirt. I pulled the needle out, cleaned up, and never tried it again. It wasn’t until I was fourteen that I went to the mall with my mom and got my ears pierced for real. She had no idea. How about you?”

There are so many lives to choose from, although I don’t remember most of them.

I also don’t remember whether Ahn Yujin has pierced ears or not, so it won’t be an ear-piercing memory.

“I stole Judy Blume’s Forever from my sister when I was eight,” I say. “I figured if it was by the author of Superfudge, it had to be good. Well, I soon realized why she kept it under her bed. I’m not sure I understood it all, but I thought it was unfair that the boy would name his, um, organ, and the girl wouldn’t name hers. So I decided to give mine a name.”

Hanni is laughing. “What was its name?”

“Helena. I introduced everyone to her at dinner that night. It went over really well.”

We’re at my car. Hanni doesn’t know it’s my car, but it’s the farthest car, so it’s not like we can keep walking.

“It was great to meet you,” she says. “Hopefully, I’ll see you around next year.”

“Yeah,” I say, “it was great to meet you, too.”

I thank her about five different ways. Then Minji drives over and honks.

Our time is up.

Ahn Yujin’s parents haven’t called the police. They haven’t even gotten home yet. I check the house phone’s voicemail, but the school hasn’t called.

It’s the one lucky thing that’s happened all day.

Day 5998

Something is wrong the minute I wake up the next morning. Something chemical.

It’s barely even morning. This body has slept until noon. Because this body was up late, getting high. And now it wants to be high again. Right away.

I’ve been in the body of a pothead before. I’ve woken up still drunk from the night before. But this is worse. Much worse.

There will be no school for me today. There will be no parents waking me up. I am on my own, in a dirty room, sprawled on a dirty mattress with a blanket that looks like it was stolen from a child. I can hear other people yelling in other rooms of the house.

There comes a time when the body takes over the life. There comes a time when the body’s urges, the body’s needs, dictate the life. You have no idea you are giving the body the key. But you hand it over. And then it’s in control. You mess with the wiring and the wiring takes charge.

I have only had glimpses of this before. Now I really feel it. I can feel my mind immediately combating the body. But it’s not easy. I cannot sense pleasure. I have to cling to the memory of it. I have to cling to the knowledge that I am only here for one day, and I have to make it through.

I try to go back to sleep, but the body won’t let me. The body is awake now, and it knows what it wants.

I know what I have to do, even though I don’t really know what’s going on. Even though I have not been in this situation before, I have been in situations before where it’s been me against the body. I have been ill, seriously ill, and the only thing to do is to power through the day. At first I thought there was something I could do within a single day that could make everything better. But very soon I learned my own limitations. Bodies cannot be changed in a day, especially not when the real mind isn’t in charge.

I don’t want to leave the room. If I leave the room, anything and anyone can happen. Desperately, I look around for something to help me through. There is a decrepit bookshelf, and on it is a selection of old paperbacks. These will save me, I decide. I open up an old thriller and focus on the first line. Darkness had descended on Manassas, Virginia.

…

The body does not want to read. The body is alive with electric barbed wire. The body is telling me there is only one way to fix this, only one way to end the pain, only one way to feel better. The body will kill me if I don’t listen to it. The body is screaming. The body demands its own form of logic.

I read the next sentence.

I lock the door.

I read the third sentence.

The body fights back. My hand shakes. My vision blurs.

I am not sure I have the strength to resist this.

I have to convince myself that Hanni is on the other side. I have to convince myself that this isn’t a pointless life, even though the body is telling me it is.

The body has obliterated its memories in order to hone its argument. There isn’t much for me to access. I must rely on my own memories, the ones that are separate from this.

I must remain separate from this.

I read the next sentence, then the next sentence. I don’t even care about the story. I am moving from word to word, fighting the body from word to word.

It’s not working. The body makes me feel like it wants to defecate and vomit. First in the usual way. Then I feel I want to defecate through my mouth and vomit through the other end. Everything is being mangled. I want to claw at the walls. I want to scream. I want to punch myself repeatedly.

I have to imagine my mind as something physical, something that can control the body. I have to picture my mind holding the body down.

I read another sentence.

Then another.

There is pounding on the door. I scream that I’m reading.

They leave me alone.

I don’t have what they want in this room.

They have what I want outside this room.

I must not leave this room.

I must not let the body out of this room.

I imagine her walking the hallways. I imagine her sitting next to me. I imagine her eyes meeting mine.

Then I imagine her getting in her car, and I stop.

The body is infecting me. I am getting angry. Angry that I am here. Angry that this is my life. Angry that so many things are impossible.

Angry at myself.

Don’t you want it to stop? the body asks.

I must push myself as far away from the body as I can.

Even as I’m in it.

I have to go to the bathroom. I really have to go to the bathroom.

Finally, I pee in a soda bottle. It splashes all over.

But it’s better than leaving this room.

If I leave the room, I will not be able to stop the body from getting what it wants.

I am ninety pages into the book. I can’t remember any of it.

Word by word.

The fight is exhausting the body.

I am winning.

It is a mistake to think of the body as a vessel. It is as active as any mind, as any soul. And the more you give yourself to it, the harder your life will be. I have been in the bodies of starvers and purgers, gluttons and addicts. They all think their actions make their lives more desirable. But the body always defeats them in the end.

I just need to make sure the defeat doesn’t take while I’m inside.

I make it to sundown. Two hundred sixty-five pages gone. I am shivering under the filthy blanket. I don’t know if it’s the temperature in the room or if it’s me.

Almost there, I tell myself.

There is only one way out of this, the body tells me.

At this point, I don’t know if it means drugs or death.

The body might not even care, at this point.

Finally, the body wants to sleep.

I let it.

[kraken-o-doyle]

Books I enjoyed...not in order.

1. Immortal Desires

I recently finished Immortal Desires and boy oh boy, I really liked it... You know when I first saw it as a VIP story, I rolled my eyes and moved on with my life, but like however many years later, I decided to play it because I needed diamonds. Spent those and more on this sucker, because I have no self control....

It didn't have that bad of a villain in comparison to other books, because it felt like they showed a blimp of the Creators power before he is defeated by MC. Well he did turn his followers into those creatures and managed to kill off quite a few vamps.

Overall not bad but, I hope they don't mess up the characters in book 2. And give a more interesting villain, because they lingered too much on the romance than the actual plot...

2. Kindered

Finished it when I still retained VIP, and quite frankly I immediately was interested in the concept; though it could've been executed a bit better. There should've been more bonding between MC and her sisters; more anger towards her older sister for leaving and the awkwardness of having another sister. And I know there are options to be angry, however it was there for a few chapters before getting into the action.

The villain - not that terribly threatening (sorry), because if you put diamonds into the story, you literally beat him without consequences. (IE, no one dies). #Kaineisawesome:)

3. Crimes of Passion 1&2

Obviously, these books are here; because they are great.

The love interest is awesome, the first book had a confusing bad guy; a lady we met like in the first 6 chapters (I think) and this kind of came out of nowhere. It seemed PB wanted to keep everyone guessing and chose that old lady... Honestly it should've been someone that had a recurring role in the story and not a barely mentioned character. And she dies by burning alive after getting shot; no retribution or anything.

In book 2, everything was even better but with a murderous family; honestly the explanation about the murders we were given was decent, but to add more drama, it should've been Marguerite.

MC for some reason was jumping to conclusions in book 2; blaming anyone that had been near the site of the murder. Seb was first and only until he died and then we jumped on Lydea. But to be fair, it is her job to sift through evidence and find the culprit but I wish that they went about it a bit smarter (get into evidence and validate it fully before accusing).

Also MC and Trystan are soulmates... I adore their jabs, they are literally married but without any legal documents.

4. Endless Summer

It had been a few or so months since I played these books, but it is safe to say, I have unlocked every Jake McKenzie option imaginable. Like no joke, he is literally a awesomely written character alongside the entire cast of ES. The story is explored, the villain is actually dangerous but the only slight issue is the ending.

There are days where I am upset about how it ended and some days I am like oh that makes sense. So it is 50/50 but I did feel a tiny bit rushed with only 13 Ch. I could not pick any other ending but to stay on La Huerta; all options lead to negative outcomes but this option guaranteed that we are all aokay, but the whole world's ducked.

We should have had an option to save Mike, like the guy suffered enough - stuck in a plane while Jake managed to eject in time and then mind controlled by his former commander, once free he reunited with his buddy and then died a hero. All I'm saying Mike deserved more.

5. Bloodbound

Book 1 - no good villain, set up characters well ish. JAX! No consequences to book 2, as Vega was a literal US senator but everyone closed their eyes and forgot. What was the point of Vega's plan? And surely he had followers, his clan; why wasn't there backlash or some sort of anger from there after his demise by another Council member?

Book 2 - Gaius fricking Augustine. MC finds out about her actual self and later becomes a vamp due by Gaius' hand. Best book only edged out by book 3.

Book 3 - awesome book, actually the villain is a greater threat than book 2; Rheya not giving a living shit about her 'children' was quite interesting. What could've been better was the finale - any one of the LI should've died, not just Lily/Jax combo because if it was Kamilah/Adrian there would so many juicy ways to go about it. Like Kamilah and Gaius being distraught even asking MC to end their immortal life (more like Gaius), or vise versa with Adrian surviving.

Dammit we should've gotten the Blood goddess ending seen through and not just an honorable mention. 😐

6. The Elementalists

Good world building, likable characters, cool concept of magick. Atlas and MC actually being siblings that are relatable (and the twin fitting in well with pend pals). Shame we didn't get book 3 or even more sequels because it had potential and I really enjoyed it, a good reread on a good day.

Books I hated;

1. My two first loves;

Initially turned this book on for diamonds (quick tap as it was 4 min. each chapter) but my god is the MC unlikeable and annoying.

2. Witness: a bodyguard romance.

...no..

There are more than three books of I didn't like the concept, started but never finished.

[mysteli]

ENDLESS SUMMER CONCEPT BOOK SNIPPET 2

Here's another snippet for the book I'm writing. This is a draft of the opening. It's nowhere near finished but I wanted to share what I wrote. Feel free to provide some feedback about the description given here. It's a scene containing Lo's (MC) first vision. All the characters are here for now but it may not stay that way and I will be sharing more of these <3

FIRST VISION

Everything was silent. Unusually silent. Lo couldn’t even hear the whistles in the wind or her footsteps on the path. A path her body was forcing her to follow, while her mind seemed ready to escape. It was as though time had stopped all around her, as she was nearing a destination. No movements in the typically tantalising trees. No sign of wildlife; instead, everything was hibernating. 

  An unfamiliar kind of night had dawned. In fact, it was an entire universe. As Lo peered upwards, stars hadn’t left any part of the sky untouched. Sprinkled everywhere, as a fluorescent full moon stood proudly centred in the midst of it all. She had never seen a sky so full, never in the city. Despite everything else being frozen, the night still carried its character.

  Peace may have been exerting from the space above her but an eeriness creeped up her spine, as she continued to wander towards something unknown. In front of her looked like nothing. The frightening part was it being nothing. Whatever had warped her here wasn’t prepared to give her any answers. Even as she closed the distance between her and the darkness, it was still as pitch-black as the sky back home. In reality, she wanted to stop but her body wouldn’t allow her to. 

  Finally, Lo reached the dust. At this point, her mind was enraged, fighting to get away from whatever lurked beyond. Again, her body ignored it all and dragged her into the gloom. For a couple seconds, there was nothing - not even a sign that she was still moving. Then the mist cleared and Lo could feel her feet on the ground again. Her mind had paused its bitterness, going into complete shutdown.

  As her vision focused, she found herself in a foggy forest, an ominous air surrounding her. For the first time, control of her body returned to her consciousness but it was done commanding her to run. Curiosity had already taken over at this point, and was in full effect. Before her stood 11 graves, memorialised with handmade wooden crosses and engraved with names she mostly recognised. All were completed with what appeared to be freshly dug holes and all but one was empty. With a lost expression, she analysed each and every one.

  Quinn Kelly. Estela Montoya. Sean Gayle. Grace Hall. Aleister Reed. Michelle Nguyen. Raj Bhandarkar. Diego Soto. Craig Hsiao. Zahra Namazi. 

  All of these names, Lo recognised. Seeing all of her old friends’ fates laid out like they were nothing but cattle waiting to be slaughtered. Then, her eyes scanned the final grave, the only one with a fate already sealed. Jake Mckenzie, it read. Despite this being a name she was unfamiliar with, tears threatened to pour just from the sight of this particular resting place. Defeated, she hung her head, an urge to mourn welling up within her. Then, she noticed something that definitely wasn’t there before, even when she was wandering.

  Dog tags clung to her thin neck, swaying despite time still feeling stuck. Overcome by a breakdown, Lo grabbed hold of them, desperate to understand the meaning of them. Releasing a sharp exhale, she lifted her head and all her tears had suddenly dried. One last look at the sky revealed that one specific constellation was outshining all the others. 

  Andromeda.

[perdidit-vulpes]

...ow

[emailblog]

Oh I love your work! Would you do a rooster imagine where his girlfriend is terrible at pool and he tries to teach her how to play but it turns flirty and lightly smut considering the close proximity and his hands guiding her on how to play? Feel free to say no, I look forward to whatever you write!

Author's Note: I am awful at writing smut, and I wish I could give you something good, Anon. I still think this is a pretty good one, though! Thank you so much for the kind words <3 I literally love all of you so much

Word Count: 1.0k

You wish you could play pool. As you watch Bradley and Jake take turns, each sinking a ball, you wish you could be the one up there excelling at the game, but you’ve never even picked up a pool cue. That’s why you’re sitting beside Bob, watching with pride because Bradley is winning, you think, but also with a hint of sadness. When Rooster walks to the other side of the table and sees you hunched over with a frown present on your face, he lines up, what you can assume, the last shot. 

“Eight ball, left hand pocket. This one is for my beautiful girl sitting beside our own Robert Floyd.” He announces. He hits the ball, and just as he said, it falls into the left-hand pocket. You stand up with a cheer, and he comes over to hug you tightly. 

“You play well, Roos.” The compliment is innocent, but Rooster never lets things be. 

“Oh, I think we know how well I can play, Honey.” His hand that isn’t holding the pool cue rests just above your ass, and a blush creeps up on your face. 

“You know, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.” You take the stick from his hand and walk towards the table with Jake, “Think you can teach me?” You look back and can tell Rooster’s eyes are nowhere near your face, but he nods his head anyways. 

“Let me get you set up.” Jake takes a stance on the other side of the table saying how he’ll go easy on you since it’s your first game, but you highly doubt it. 

“Solids or Stripes?” He asks as Rooster shakes the balls in the rack on the table. You look at him with a confused tilt of the head, causing him to laugh. When Bradley sees the blush of embarrassment come across your face, he punches Hangman in the arm. 

“Dude, she’s never played before.” He moves back over to your side of the table and applies a small amount of chalk to the end of the cue with the blue block near the table. 

“Then she can be stripes.” And just like that, the game was on. After Jake’s first hit, you felt the nervousness hit. What if you were awful and lost terribly in front of all your friends and boyfriend? You could feel yourself getting hot and sweaty, but Rooster grabs the stick from your hand and guides you to lean over the table. 

“Place your hand here like that and the tip of the stick in between your fingers like this.” You don’t have to do anything because he’s moving your arms, hands, and fingers for you. The idea of him maneuvering you however he pleases makes you think about nights where you’ve been under him, completely at his mercy. Nights where his hands were all over you desperately as you tried to stay quiet. It doesn't help when his hand slowly slides up your back to guide you to look where you wanted to shoot. As he moves the pool cue back now that you were holding it, the hand on your back goes to cup the nape of your neck. To your surprise, the ball sinks into the pocket. 

“That’s my girl.” He whispers right by your ear, and you hate the fact that this game is going to take forever. The same routine follows for a while. Rooster would lean you over the table to get a good feel of your ass, and he even went as far as to grab your hips and push you flush with his. The groan he let out was heard by you, and by the look on Jake’s face, he heard it too. Every time you sunk a ball, he would leave a kiss on your temple with a rumble of “good girl” or “that’s it” and it had you shifting against him. 

“Roos?” You call out with a sweet voice as you see Jake taking a shot at the eight ball, sinking it. He smiles victoriously before complimenting on how well you did even though Rooster was coaching you the entire time. 

“Yes, Honey?” His front is still pressed against your back as you both stand on your side of the table, hand on your waist holding you tightly. 

“Take me to bed or lose me forever.” You turn to face him, and when that phrase leaves your mouth, he doesn’t care that he was in a crowded bar surrounded by his friends. He dips you slightly to kiss you so desperately that his whole mouth basically covers yours completely. 

“Okay, Rooster! Don’t try to eat her, man!” Payback calls out as the rest of the party laughs. Rooster pulls back slowly to stare at you with a dark expression before turning back to the group. 

“If you’ll excuse me, everyone, I have to go teach my lady some new things someplace else. Great game, Hangman.” Rooster is dragging you out of the bar by the arm, and you can’t help the giddy smile that dusts your face. As you two reach his Branco, he puts your back on the door, lips attaching to your neck. 

“What? Are you going to teach me about having sex in a parking lot? I don’t think our friends would like to come outside and see us mid session.” You joke, but it dies on your tongue as Bradley unbuttons your top, leaving feverish kisses behind him. 

“Well, then they better stay inside because I’d hate to have to kill Hangman for peeking on us.”

[wouldduskwood]

Jake's POV 18+ Descendants of Despair Part 4

Contains 100% Smut not suitable for those under 18. Please note: This is a bit more intensive than the last 3.

Read up to part 43 to know what happens prior to this.

“Get out of the car,” I practically ordered her. Though my voice remained calm and even, I knew she would detect the need I was trying to mask. As she opened the door to the car, I was already exiting and appeared quickly beside her. Without saying a word, I grabbed her hand and led her towards a small wooded area near where we had parked. The very action of leading her towards the trees had my cock twitching.

I found an area of the forest that was only thinly populated by trees, so it allowed for ambient lighting from the moon and stars. Perfect. I'd be able to see well enough to enjoy everything. I pushed her hard against the tree, smiling as she allowed me to without any form of struggle. I wondered just how far her trust in me would go. Holding her with one hand, my other hand worked furiously on the button of her pants. My lips greedily pressed against hers as my hand managed to work its way into her jeans. Her pussy was already damp and this made my cock stiffen completely. I pushed her panties to the side, relishing in the sensation of having this small element of control over her. Pulling away from her lips briefly, I let out a ragged breath.

“Strip,” I ordered, my voice raspy and betraying just how turned on I was. To my intense joy, she acted without hesitation. She kicked off her shoes, then pulled her hoodie off over her head. Once she was down to just her sports bra, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to see her, have her at my mercy. I grabbed her hoodie from her hands and pulled out her knife, opening the blade within seconds. I lifted her bra from her body then put the knife to the middle and sliced the fabric away. The vision of her bra falling victim to my desires was breathtaking. She must have taken the hint as she removed her jeans as quickly as she could. But, I couldn't resist taking what was mine. Her panties succumbed quickly to the blade as I grabbed the side roughly and sliced it away from my skin then tore the remaining material the rest of the way off. Closing the knife, I was careful to return her treasured item to the safety of her hoodie.

After covering her lips, jaw and neck with kisses, I paused briefly and grabbed the remains of her sports bra. Thrilling in what I knew I was going to attempt next, I met her eyes briefly with incredible desire. When she nodded her consent without even knowing what was next in store for her, my body rocked with pleasure. I had never gotten this far before and it was what I desired more than anything...and with her...it was even more incredible. Her soul seemed inexplicably connected to my own.

I took her wrists in my hands, careful not to touch the healing injury on her palm, and pulled them around the trunk of the tree, using the scraps of her bra to secure them there. Knowing that she was now completely at my mercy, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothing but trees was thrilling....and she had allowed me to do it...without hesitation...without fear. I couldn't believe her level of trust in me. I stood back briefly to admire my handiwork. The sight was exceptional, her chest exposed to me, nipples erect with the chill and...I hoped...pleasure. Her pussy unprotected. I knelt before her and put her legs over my shoulders, forcing them to part and allow full access to her sweet pussy. The scent of her desire was obvious and thrilling. I had been planning to take it slow but her desire coupled with my own pushed me over the edge and I found myself planting my mouth firmly against her already stunningly wet pussy. My lips and tongue worked furiously at her clit and between the folds. It wasn't long before I felt an orgasm rock her body causing her to slip against the tree. Her own pleasure increased my desire and I wanted to give her more. Have her writhing with pleasure and without control or fear.

“Good girl,” I smirked as I put her feet back on the ground and stood again.

“You’ll be a good girl tomorrow too and return safely to me, won’t you,” I growled, my hand at her neck, pressing lightly and my face just centimetres from hers. I needed her to say yes.

“Yes, I need you,” she replied, her breathing rough. This response elicited a devilish smile as I thought about her need. “Oh, you really shouldn’t have said that,” I whispered in her ear as all control I thought I still possessed disappeared. The fingers from one hand made their way back between her legs and began massaging her dripping wet pussy. My other hand remained at her neck keeping her exactly where I needed her. I pushed myself closer to her and began sucking hard on her lower neck, leaving my branding on her skin. Her struggles to touch me were satisfying in an entirely different way. It was a thrilling thought that she wanted me so badly that she would struggle against the bindings that prevented her from doing so. All she could do was writhe in her prison against the tree.

Removing my lips from her neck, I murmured, “Come for me,” as I continued to finger her, reaching deep inside. Her hips bucked from pleasure as my lips now traced to her nipple and I began licking softly. As her breathing hastened, I nibbled harder, relishing in the response her body had to my every demand. I began to rub my palm against her clit as my fingers continued to borrow in and out of her delicious pussy. It wasn’t long before she was cumming once more, pussy juice escaping onto my palm as she began panting.

“Fuck, MC,” I groaned, as I removed my fingers and sucked them. I couldn't take it anymore. She was truly incredible. My cock was painful with need. I pulled down my jeans and boxers, exposing my cock, rigid and throbbing. “Take it all,” I murmured as I lifted her legs once more and wrapped them around my waist. Without warning, I shoved my cock deep inside and began pounding into her pussy without mercy, pushing her back hard against the tree to allow me extra leverage. I was thankful for the extra support of her bindings, as they helped to keep her in position as I ploughed her with rough, unyielding need. My lips found the other side of her neck and I began sucking and biting hard once more. As I worked, she groaned loudly, clamping her pussy around my rigid cock. The new tightness almost brought me to an instant orgasm.

As her pussy gripped my cock, I groaned loudly, pushing a hand hard against the tree as my other hand gripped her uninjured thigh tight I pounded deep inside her a few more times before releasing my load , shuddering as I did so.

Pulling my still semi hard cock out of her thoroughly used pussy, I rubbed it a few times as I looked at her body. I wasn't willing or ready to stop yet and having her still at my mercy was incredibly intoxicating. I ran my free hand between her legs, grinning as my cum began to leak out. I knew there was a massive load in there as I had never before had such an amazing sexual experience “Keep it in,” I whispered in her ear, causing her to clamp her pussy tightly against my fingers. “Good girl," I murmured as my fingers stroked her pussy lips, the light touch making her writhe in desire once more. This caused me to snicker in delight. "You want more?" I questioned devilishly. "Hm. Now this could take a while,” I murmured as I roughly shoved my cock back into her pussy....my pussy.

Time lost all meaning as I pounded her, my fingers and mouth hungrily exploring any flesh they could reach. Every now and then, I paused in my pounding and took a breath to calm the fast approaching orgasm. Once I had settled again, I began slamming deep inside her once again. To my pleasure, each time I paused, she struggled against her bindings, trying desperately to lower herself onto my cock once again. As my cock worked, she began cumming again and again, her orgasms rolling through her and causing me to lose my mind. Her screams of pleasure mingled with my groans as I slammed inside her.

At some stage, my hand tangled into her hair, pulling it lightly. “Fuck I need you MC,” I groaned. “Don’t forget that, tomorrow when you’re not by my side, remember that I need you,” I murmured between groans. She bit her lip as another orgasm ripped through her body.

“How do you feel?” I sked quietly as I paused once again before beginning to thrust deep inside her. “So...wonderful.” she managed to reply. This response was exactly what I was wanting to hear so I grabbed the top of her thighs and shoved her down hard onto my cock, releasing my second load deep inside her before falling against her. My cock began to soften in her pussy, slipping out with the mixture of our combined orgasms.

“Thank you,” I whispered, suddenly and very happily drained.

“No, thank you. I needed that.” she mumbled, incoherently but it was enough for me to make out. I caressed her face once then reluctantly pulled myself away, pulling up my jeans and boxers. I had to force myself to move before the sight of her caused me to desire her once again. I was suddenly concerned about her well-being. “Sorry, we need to get you warm, If I keep looking at you like this, I will want to take you again” I said earnestly as I removed her bindings, cleaned her and myself with the leftover scraps of her bra and panties, and helped her dress quickly. I shoved the scraps in my pocket and helped lead her out to the car as her knees were still weak and she was wobbly on her feet.

I opened the door for her and helped her slide back into her seat, before returning to my position behind the wheel. “Uh...sorry if I hurt you back there,” I sighed. “That wasn’t my intention at all.” She shrugged. “You didn’t. It was incredible. Really.” she replied, with seemingly honesty. “Uh, your back is a bit scraped up,” I whispered, embarrassed that I'd hurt her in my attempt to pleasure her. She shrugged. “Uh...I enjoyed the slight pain,” she admitted, sounding embarrassed. “Uh... it was...definitely worth it.”

'Jake, don't let her go. She's it. She's the one.' I told myself.

Part 44

[dweetwise]

day 18: panic attacks

prompt from: whumptober pairing: felix x ace notes: fluffy angst, idk if this even qualifies as whump but it’s what i went with <3 warnings: panic attack descriptions word count: 1920

Ace is having a rather good day, all things considered. He finishes his second generator of the trial while Feng is still doing a phenomenal job at being chased by the killer, and he even has time to stop and search a chest in good conscience.

He picks up a broken key with a worn brass token, which isn’t ideal but he’ll add it to his ever growing pile of junk back at camp anyway.

In the time it takes him to find a generator, the Nurse has finally managed to down and hook Feng, but someone saves her right after and the chase beings anew. Ace would guess the rescuer was David and that he used borrowed time to make sure the gamer made it out, since he can’t see Felix being stupid bold enough to unhook in the killer’s face like that.

With the Nurse’s distant screeches providing some pleasant background noise—considering it’s not Ace she’s chasing—he gets to work on a nearly completed generator by one of the exits. If he finishes it before the killer comes to check, it marks their fourth completed objective of the trial, and it looks like they’ll have an easy escape provided she doesn’t have the obnoxious totem perk to ensure an instant down after the gates are powered.

At first, Ace doesn’t question why someone would have abandoned the nearly completed machine, but just before he connects the last two wires, he hesitates. Will this be the last generator on this side of the map? Maybe someone wanted to leave it because it’s by an exit?

He gets up to look around a bit, trying to spot any other nearby generators, but then he hears it.

A sob.

Ace frowns in worry and keeps looking around, not seeing any signs of life. Did he imagine it? Feng is the only one injured, and her moans of pain can be heard from halfway across the map. The girl is a lot of things, but quiet sure as hell isn’t one of them.

He remembers the key in his pocket, a normally useless item with an underwhelming add-on that will allow him to see his nearby teammates for only a couple of seconds. But right now, it’s exactly what he needs, and as he channels the item, he eventually makes out a human form cowering in the corner next to the exit gate.

The key’s power dies out but Ace doesn’t care, carefully approaching his distressed teammate.

He should have guessed who he’s going to find just by basic deduction, as Feng is still keeping the Nurse busy somewhere in the Asylum and David is one to push forward through sheer stubbornness. It still takes him by surprise to notice Felix, normally so calm and collected, huddled in on himself with his knees drawn close to his chest and his head buried in his hands.

Ace suddenly feels very out of place, and he realizes he could just slowly back away and Felix probably wouldn’t even know he was ever there.

But Felix doesn’t seem to be just taking a mental break from the trial, he looks to be struggling. His entire body is trembling and he’s taking sharp, wheezy breaths, bordering on hyperventilating.

And Ace might not be the best at offering comfort, but he sure as hell is going to try.

“Hey,” he offers softly as not to spook Felix, but from the way Felix’s head snaps up in surprise, he’s not successful. Shit, he’s never seen the guy so upset, looking utterly broken with tears and snot running down his face and taking short, shaky breaths. It make’s Ace’s cold, selfish heart clench in sympathy and he slowly kneels down on Felix’s level, far enough away to hopefully not feel like he’s cornering him. “How you holding up?”

That’s probably the dumbest thing he could have asked, but at least it makes Felix react, quickly wiping at his face and averting his eyes.

“F-fine, sorry—” Felix starts, but then his trembling voice breaks on another sob and he hides his face behind his hand in shame as another wave of what Ace assumes to be a panic attack hits.

Ace has never been good at dealing with emotions, his or others’, but he’s learned a lot after being swept up by the Entity and trying to keep everyone in their little group happy and healthy. He knows that Dwight needs to be held when his anxiety surfaces, and although that position is usually reserved for Jake, Ace has been the body for Dwight to cling to on a few occasions when others were unavailable. On the other hand, when something triggers Quentin’s PTSD, the boy wants nothing more than to be left alone, and even the smallest touch will send him spiraling deeper into his own head.

“It’s alright,” Ace says, trying to keep his voice calm and even offering an encouraging smile. “We’ve all been there.”

That seems to calm Felix down some, so Ace optimistically deduces that maybe his presence does help after all.

This is a vastly different situation from Dwight or Quentin, though. Where Ace mostly sees himself as a somewhat shitty parental figure to the boys, he’s been openly flirting with Felix ever since the other got here. And despite Felix sometimes awkwardly flirting back, he fully expected their relationship to stay at the casual friendship level.

But this is huge step, and if Ace manages to comfort him without hiding behind shitty jokes and Felix allows himself to be vulnerable, maybe that’s a sign they could eventually be something more.

“Just say the word and I’ll be on my way,” Ace starts. “But I also have a pretty good shoulder to lean on, if that’s something you think might help.”

Felix glances at him and Ace tries to keep the smile on his face despite his own nerves surfacing and mixing with the worry for Felix already there.

“Are you sure?” Felix asks, voice nowhere near steady but at least being able to form a complete sentence.

“Of course!” Ace reassures without even knowing which option Felix is referring to.

And then Felix looks back at the ground and curls in on himself further and Ace tries not to be disappointed. He’s already moving to get up, an apology ready on his tongue, when Felix shuffles along the exit gate wall to make room for Ace to join him.

The grin that forms on his face might not be the most appropriate considering the circumstances, but Felix doesn’t protest, in fact he immediately buries his face against Ace’s shoulder and clasps his arm in a death grip as soon as he takes a seat next to him.

Felix takes shallow breaths against him and Ace doesn’t care that his shirt is getting stained with wet tears and snot, suddenly hit with how intimate the entire situation is. His own nerves resurface and his free hand hovers awkwardly in the air, not sure if it’s appropriate to touch the distressed man.

But in the end, he’s a gambler, and so he gambles, placing a hesitant hand in Felix’s hair as he remembers the other is usually messing with it when he’s nervous.

When the only reaction he gets is Felix gripping his arm tighter, he carefully starts running his hand through the locks, slightly disheveled from where Felix has no doubt been doing the same.

“It’s okay,” Ace says, trying to keep his voice steady and hoping Felix can’t hear his heart hammering in his chest. “You’re okay.”

“I’m going to get crows,” Felix chokes out through the tears.

“Doesn’t matter,” Ace reassures, discreetly looking up to try to spot the birds that should already be circling above Felix’s head. “Feng and David are keeping her busy. She’s got no reason to come here.”

Ace frowns as he realizes can neither see nor hear the Entity’s spies, despite knowing their captor’s rules clearly state the birds should be giving away their location by now.

The key sits heavy in his pocket and he suddenly realizes maybe the Entity wanted him to find Felix. Regardless of how Ace feels about the otherworldly being, he knows it’s not satisfied unless the trial has been what it considers “fair”. Maybe it’s giving them a time-out until Felix is in shape to continue, and maybe that’s why Feng still hasn’t been caught, despite being injured against one of the strongest killers.

“Seems like the crows are on their lunch break,” Ace voices his observation in hopes of reassuring Felix. “We’ve got all the time in the world.”

Not surprisingly, the knowledge that he’s not on a time limit seems to calm Felix down some, and the grip on Ace’s arm loosens as the sharp breaths slowly turn into more deliberate ones.

“That’s it, deep breaths,” Ace murmurs and keeps petting Felix’s hair since it seems to be working, or at least not making the situation worse. “You’re going to be fine.”

He has no idea how long they sit there together, with Felix slowly coming back to himself and Ace offering generic encouraging sentiments he hopes are somewhat helpful, lost in their own little bubble while the trial carries on without them.

When Felix eventually pulls away, Ace feels disappointed, even if he finally gets some much needed blood flow to his arm that has fallen asleep a while ago.

“Fuck,” Felix sighs and leans his head back against the tiled wall with a dull ‘thud’. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“I’m not,” Ace offers with a small grin. “But I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“I didn’t expect one in the middle of a trial,” Felix says, letting Ace is on the fact that this wasn’t a one-off. “Thank you. You, um, helped. A lot,” Felix says bashfully, and Ace has to resist the urge to pull him back into his arms.

“Don’t mention it,” he says instead, and when Felix just gives him an adorable, tiny smile, can’t resist adding a cheeky “There’s a lot worse ways to spend a trial”.

“I’d say being a liability and making a complete fool of myself isn’t something I’m eager to repeat,” Felix mutters, but he’s still smiling, so Ace hopes he’s not still embarrassed.

“Honestly, I’m surprised I didn’t make the situation worse,” Ace jokes. “Or that my brain didn’t implode on itself from not making jokes or flirting for five minutes.”

“You were perfect,” Felix says so earnestly it takes Ace completely off guard, and he’s not blushing he’s just suddenly really warm okay— “I should get back to my generator,” Felix seems to remember, looking over Ace’s shoulder in the direction of the machine. “I’ve wasted enough of everyone’s time for today.”

“If there’s anything we have plenty of, it’s time,” Ace reassures, pushing himself off of the wall and ready to join the trial.

He offers a hand to help Felix up, and it makes him smile when Felix only hesitates for a split second before accepting the gesture.

“You know, we should do this more often,” Ace says with a grin as he pulls Felix up on his feet. “I mean, preferably without the panicking. I didn’t mind but it didn’t exactly look like you were having the time of your life.”

Felix huffs out a small laugh at the statement, and then he squeezes Ace’s hand that’s still clasped in his.

“I’d like that.”

[theokotrain]

Vestige - Chapter 3: Someone Else Will See It For Yourself

Wattpad Version

In the middle of the vortex, the wind picked up

Shook up the soot, from the chimney pot

Into spiral patterns, of you, my love

---

Who said that?

It sounded distant, but I could almost tell it was meant for me. I shut the door as fast as I can manage, locking it behind me. Turning around, I glance further into the cabin.

"Shaela? You here?" I lightly shouted, hoping she would just be in her room or something. No response.

I moved to the backdoor, looking out the window to see if she was waiting in the backyard. The trees and bushes are noticeably rustling from the wind. The door to the generator seemed to be open, but I had absolutely zero interest in checking that out, let alone going outside. I reach for my pocket, aiming to grab my phone so I can call her, only to find out it isn't there.

Shit, right, I left it with Liam.

I open the backdoor a crack, sticking my body half out the door, "Shaela! Where the fuck did you go?"

The eerie silence of the wind is all that returned, leaving me spooked, to say the least. I close the back door, choosing to head back out front. As much as I wanted to hide inside the cabin for the rest of this bullshit, I couldn't just leave Shae and Liam out there. I step outside, closing the front door behind me as softly as I can manage. As the door shuts, I feel an unnerving amount of pressure building up in my ears and softening the sounds around me. I step down the creaky wooden steps, heading back down the driveway.

"I swear to god Shae if this is you just trying to scare me..." I huff, looking through the nearby trees, "...It's fucking working. Now cut the shit!" I know that situation is unlikely, but it's definitely the preferred outcome out of all the scenarios my anxiety-ridden brain is currently playing out.

Maybe she called Liam again and met him at the lake because I was taking too long? I definitely would've heard her on my way up to the cabin if that were true, though. Any reasoning at this point is useless anyway, it's easiest for me to just head back to Liam, then I could at least have my phone and call Shae to see where the hell she went.

The fog seems to be a bit clearer near the highway, which instills at least a minor amount of confidence in me. I cross the asphalt road as fast as I can, trying to hear for any cars that might come barrelling down the limited-visibility highway. I start walking down the trail towards the lake, each step filled with the determination to get the fuck out of this forest, and at least back with Liam. My ears twitch at every minor sound that fills the nearby area, the whistling of the wind, the rustling of the flora, the skittering of the local wildlife. I can't help but feel watched, despite the minimal evidence I have backing up that fear. Well, with the exception of whoever the fuck was talking to me a few minutes ago.

Did I really just skip over that major detail? Someone was talking to me, but I didn't see anybody around. Am I going insane? It could have just been the wind, the voice lacked the substance of someone actually talking. The problem with that, though, is that the wind doesn't typically sound out actual fucking words. Whatever, any of these ideas are just my anxious thought-process trying to make sense of the information it's been taking in.

When I reach the clearing by the lake, I can barely see out into the water. It was typical for it to get foggy by the lake during the spring or fall, because the warming temperatures didn't collide well with the cold air and freezing lake, although rarely to this extent. That doesn't matter now though, the important detail that hadn't registered in my mind yet is that Liam is nowhere to be found. The blanket, along with the rest of the stuff I brought is still lying exactly where I left it. I look around the clearing..

"Liam?" I shouted, hoping he was close by.

Someone has to be fucking with me at this point. Did he go up to the cabin? Maybe he saw the fog and decided to head back? Obviously not, cause I would've at least heard him! I try not to expect the worst, but it feels almost impossible not to at this point.

The jarring sound of my ringtone brings me back to reality. The vibrations of the phone are quieted by the blanket it lays upon. I pick it up, looking to see the Caller ID.

Tyler?

I answer the call, still trying to figure out what's going on, "What is it?" I said, a noticeable irritation in my voice from the situation.

"why did you wake me?" He replied. His voice sounded almost hollow, like a memory.

"Wake you? Dude, you called me? Just tell me what you want cause I'm kindaaa busy right now!" I said hurriedly, trying not to come off as rude.

"i wanted so much to be at rest."

"Wha- then go to back to bed?!? I don't see why you had to call for this, dude. Besides, it's like one in the afternoon? Shouldn't you be working right now?" I remarked, eager for him to get to the point.

There's a long pause between us, I didn't count the time, but it was long enough to be noticeable, and for me to quickly get impatient.

"it's different now, i think"

...

"What is? Just- can you stop speaking like you're reading poetry and say something actually coherent?"

There's an even longer moment of silence, he doesn't seem interested in answering my questions.

I sigh deeply, sitting down on the blanket that was left behind, my face in my palm. "What's different now?" I said bluntly.

"somewhere i lost whatever else i had"

"What, are you writing music now? Testing your lyrics out on me? Very poetic. But this is not the ti-"

"i wasn't over you"

That does a pretty good job of shutting me up. I bury my face further into my palm, trying to escape whatever bullshit I've gotten myself into as the wind picks up around me.

"...Yeah. I know." I admit. I could tell whatever explanations he came up with last night were pretty clearly a façade, but for him to admit it like this? None of it seemed real. "Is that why you called? ...I'm sorry, Tyler. You're a great guy, better than you care to admit. B- but I'm happy now. I hope you can get to that point soon, too."

"there's so much travel yet, jake."

I take a moment to process his words, when I hear the sound of leaves crunching distantly behind me. I jerk my head towards the sound of the noise, hoping to see Shae and Liam coming to find me, to no avail. It feels like there's thousands of eyes on me all at once as I try to ignore my surroundings.

"I- I know." I say, not really wanting to continue my thought process. "You know, some part of me wishes it went differently... back then." I can feel the wind getting stronger as I continue.

"who would you be now?"

"...someone better, probably. At least I'd have things figured out," I sighed. "Everything's been so uncertain lately, I don't know what my life's gonna look like in a few months, let alone when I'm older."

"don't worry, someone else will see it for yourself."

"Wh- what do you mean?"

The wind quickly dies down, and the only sound remaining is the tone coming from the phone, signalling the connection was lost.

What the fuck just happened?

I go back to my phone, dialling Ty's number once again. The phone rings a few times before he finally answers.

"Hey! Whaddya need? You kinda caught me at a bad time, it's pretty busy right now at work." He replied sincerely, his voice noticeably different from moments ago.

"Oh, uh, sorry! Did you just call me?"

"Call you? Uhh, I don't think so? Unless I butt-dialed you or something?"

"Ah, robocaller must've spoofed your number or something." I didn't have any way to rationally explain the previous events without sounding crazy, so I opted to stay casual, repressing the thoughts back to where they came from. "So, you're able to come tonight, right?" I said, trying to shift the topic.

"Yeah I should be able to if they don't make me stay late again! You need me to bring anything over?" He inquired.

"Uhh, I'll get back to you about that in a bit. I am currently at the lake near the cabin and have no clue where Shae and Liam are." I exclaimed in a sarcastically perky voice.

"...What?"

"I- It's probably fine, they're adults, they're probably fine. I'm just paranoid." I said, lightly laughing to lighten the mood.

"Oh, well, let me know if you find 'em! I'll try to keep my phone on me." He assured.

"Yeah, will do!" My eyes widen, and I let out a sigh, "God, I'm just bothering you at this point. I give you permission to go back to work now!" I joked.

"Nah, you're good! I like talking to you." He said, I could almost hear the smile in his voice.

I laughed a tired laugh, "Yeah. You too." A moment passed as neither of us spoke up, "Well, I should probably at least try calling them."

"You haven't tried calling them yet??? Remind me to never let you lead the search party if I go missing," He joked.

"Yeah, like I'd even be considered for leading any search party," I remarked sarcastically. The both of us laughed. "I'll let you know if we need anything, I should get going." "Sounds good!"

We said our goodbyes and I hung up, my mind returning to focus on the lake. I gathered the blanket and anything else Liam left behind and started walking back up the trail. The wind had reduced to subtlety at this point, but the fog was still in full force. I said to Ty that I would call them, but I needed a few more minutes of uncertainty. Any of the fears that occupied my mind earlier were long dissipated as I thought over some problematic dilemmas.

If Ty didn't call me, then who was I talking to?

It sounded just like him, minus the usual substance of his low-toned voice. And unless he was lying to me when he said he didn't call me the first time, then maybe I'm just losing whatever remnants of sanity that I had before today.

Honestly, what's even the point of me rationalizing this? What would I even tell people? That I heard a voice talking to me, but no one was there? That Liam and Shae essentially vanished off the face of the Earth? That I got a phone call by the water from my ex, speaking incoherent poetry, admitting that he wasn't over me?

I cross the highway.

Yeah, there's no combination of words in any language that I could piece together to explain that without losing the respect of everyone around me. I'm sure I could at least get an explanation from Liam and Shae about wherever they ran off to.

I step up the stairs onto the front patio of the cabin.

Whatever, this is just some anomalous twenty minutes of my life that I'll probably forget in a week or two. The simplest solution is to just move on, there's a lot of time left on this trip for me to not have to deal with shit.

I try the door knob, finding it unlocked. The door creaks as I open it, peering inside.

"Fucking hell, where were you?!?"

[rin-the-shadow]

Though on the subject of rounds that don’t fit the recent pattern, I also had one against a Leatherface who was really obsessed with tunneling, but I was pretty good at evading him and forcing him to miss with his chainsaw or getting the stun, and people were working on gens while I was in chases, so I still got like 30,000 bloodpoints or so even though I spent most of the round in a chase and died.

Though the thing that surprised me was that I managed to 360 him as many times as I did. I got like five or six of them in, and the thing I got smacked on was never an attempted 360. I am terrible at the 360. On top of that, I’ve been having a lot of weird hitboxes lately to where I get smacked even though I’m like 6 feet away or they’re nowhere near my window or they teleport through the pallet to get the hit or something, so I’m kind of shocked that never happened.

Like, I kind of wonder if maybe I would have gotten out if I hadn’t let him get to bloodlust level 3 on that final chase. It probably would have been close, since the hatch was in the storehouse and he was running NOED. 

The last survivor almost got out, too. If the Endgame timer hadn’t run out, that Claudette would have escaped. We had a Dwight who spent a lot of the round hiding in lockers (and pretty much exclusively hiding in lockers once I died), but the fourth guy was really good about things. I had my camera on Claudette at the end, so I wasn’t sure, but I think the other guy let go on purpose to let her escape. Unfortunately it was his first hook, so I think it taking awhile for him to die was what cost her the hatch. And there’s not very much you can do for a situation like that. Like, that Jake couldn’t help that he was good at evading in chases and thus didn’t get downed until the end. It just ended up not working out for him in that case.

[callsignbaphomet]

OC Interview

1. What is your name? “Jelani Haakonson.”

2. How old are you? "20."

3. What do you look like? "Long hair, blue eyes, black, according to somebody way too tall."

4. Where are you from? Where do you live now? "Originally from Capital Wasteland. Now I'm kind of nowhere really. I mean, we took a bunker we found and cleaned it out and now we're holed up there but we move around a lot and honestly, once we get tired of Boston we're shipping out to whoever the fuck knows."

5. What was your childhood like? "Bittersweet I guess. It wasn't exactly charming or easy. Eh, not something I revisit often."

6. What groups are you friendly with? Are you allied with any factions? "Ok, so I may or may not have gotten on Preston's bad side--not that I give a shit. Probably not on best terms with those railroad quacks after I insulted them. I mean, it wasn't an insult I was just being honest that they took it as an insult is a them problem. I don't think the 'Institute' is real so obviously not allied to them or whatever. I kinda stay away from the BoS in the area and apparently Nisha wants to and I quote stab me in the throat, pull out the knife and make Angelus choke on my blood and it sounds kinky as fuck but I'm still waiting for that stabbing.

Think the only people we actually get along with is The Pack and The Operators. Oh, and those really sweet ghouls up in that farm and Varg from that group of ghouls that live on that ship.”

7. Tell me about your best friend. "He's an idiot, way too loud, way too hyper, wastes far too many bullets and barely hits anything, skinny, little pale twink that I loved enough to marry. He's still an idiot though."

8. Do you have a family? Tell me about them! "Ja, I have an older brother. He taught me everything our parents taught him. I was too little to remember a lot of it so after they died he picked up where they left off. Basically raised me. He's nice, a little too nice for his own good but he means well. He'll help anyone no matter what."

9. What about a partner or partners? "Yeah, husband. Talked about him earlier."

10. Who are your enemies? And why? Aside from Nisha I might sorta, kinda be wanted by the NCR and it's probably a good idea to never go back to New Vegas.

Thing with Nisha is because she found out I was talking trash about her and her little group. At least The Pack surprisingly has a clear view of what they want, Operators obviously know what they want and what to do. Nisha and those rabid little assholes just wanna kill everything and ok in a way I can admire that but there’s no pay off to it, there’s no point. And I just don’t like the bitch and she needs to live with it. Still waiting for that stabbing, Nisha. Need my address?

NCR is a huge mess. I don’t even remember why we were fighting but this asshole named Lucien just started shit with my brother so obviously I wasn’t having any of it so I stepped in. Shit escalated and we shot ‘em and took their coats because...fuck them all. NCR found out and of course now we’re on bad terms with them to the point where it’s kill on sight."

11. Have you ever heard of the Brotherhood of Steel? What do you think about them? "Ok with all due respect to my mother I think they're just glorified raiders who come to places they're not wanted and like locusts take what they want and use people only to then move on and leave the area all the worse. I get why my mother joined but I'm glad she went awol."

12. What about The Enclave? "I don't know that much, I don't even think they're around anymore. All I know is my maternal grandmother was in The Enclave."

13. How do you feel about Super Mutants? "Annoyed. Trigger happy freaks who just never calm the fuck down."

14. What's the craziest fight you ever been in? "This was back in New Vegas and we were in the strip. So a couple of us were at Gomorrah, there was a lot of drinking. So after some fucking around on the courtyard we all head up to one of the suites and we're passing around more drinks, chems of all kinds and prostitutes. So there was this one prostitute I can't even remember what the fuck he looked like but he was crazy for jet and guess what I had plenty of. Later that night someone comes to the fucking door asking for a Jake. None of us really know each other, we were all just a bunch of mercs fucking around. So everybody starts asking for a Jake and who was it? The guy who I was balls deep in. Great. Turns out that bitch was that guy's favorite but I'm an asshole about it, I'm drunk and high off everything you can imagine. I walk up to the guy at the door and tell him that he can have him back once I'm done with him and close the door and we get back to it. Guy doesn't like that but walks away.

So we're all still drinking and fucking and suddenly we hear gunshots down the hall and the same dude from before yelling for Jake to come out. He kicks down the door, fights his way through the group and pulls out a knife while he yells that that's his bitch I was fucking. I don't even know why but I just put my hand up, I guess I was trying to grab his hand but ended up putting my palm in front of me and he just stabs my hand. At that moment I didn't feel a thing. The whole room just stopped and we're all looking at my hand and that psycho. I shake my hand to get it off but all I'm really doing is spraying blood everywhere and we all start laughing but that guy wasn't laughing so he yells and goes to shoot but two other guys this one prostitute push the guy and they wrestle the gun from him somehow. I'm still laughing really loud and I don't know why but I grabbed him and stood him up and I pushed him. Pushed him hard enough that he went through the window and the last thing we heard was this really nasty splat.

We all looking at the dead guy and then at each other and the girl that got the gun off him just yells out this really slurred bye and we lose our shit. We're laughing hard and making a bigger raucous and just then some Omerta assholes walk in with guns drawn and shit. She was the only one who wasn't drunk or high so she tells 'em what the fuck just happened and they just give us a generic warning and we keep going till we blackout. I woke up two days later near Novac and Loke looking at me like a disappointed dad and talks my ear off for an hour. I don't remember what the fuck he said I was hungover and my hand hurt like a bitch. No regrets that was a hell of a fun night."

15. Have you ever fought a deathclaw? "...I have and on several occasions but one sticks out and it's probably the worst moment of my life. When Loke and I realized we were wanted by the NCR he goes up to me and says, 'Lillebror, we need to get the fuck outta here. Now.' So he's panicking and he never panics so I'm panicking. Long story short we go with this caravan who's moving to Boston because you know there's safety in numbers and they have a map and they've used that same route dozens of times.

Turns out there was a really bad storm and the usual route was blocked off by this massive tree and if we didn’t have some brahmin with us and there wasn’t a caravan we could have climbed over it. So we’re looking at the map and I notice this route through what I’m guessing used to be some mines that led back to the main route. That route was the fastest but hadn’t been used for a long time but I keep insisting it’s better than going through the other one which would cost us about 3 days. So we go and we literally walk into a goddamn deathclaw nest. We manage to kill one since it was already wounded but then the other one shows up and Loke tries to lure it away from the group while I get everyone to a safe distance. Once I do I go back for my brother and I try to get that thing’s attention so Lo can hide. Didn’t exactly go as planned and I watched Lo and the deathclaw fall.

I thought he’d died and I don’t know I stayed at the nest just waiting. I don’t know those few days after are a blur and the only reason I snapped out of it was because Dagny was injured and she was hungry and I knew she wouldn’t be able to survive on her own. So I finally got up and walked to Boston because of her.

Luckily Lo made it and we eventually found each other again but that was the worst deathclaw encounter I’ve ever had.”

16. Do you like fighting? “Not particularly, I mean, if I have to I will but I don’t actively try to look for fights.”

17. What's your weapon of choice? “Antimaterial sniper rifle that used to belong to my mom. I can pretty much use anything but that’s my go to.”

18. How do you survive? Your wits, your charm, your skills, brute force, some combination? (a.k.a. what’s your S.P.E.C.I.A.L?) Combination of skills. I was basically trained since I was a kid to use most any weapon and how to survive out there. Also picked up how to hack into any terminal I come across. I leave the charm and manipulation and lockpicking to Angelus and any and all robot know how to Lo.”

19. Have you ever been in a vault? What do you think of them? “Yeah, we actually went looking for a violin for this old lady, it was inside a vault. I don’t really know what to think of them aside from the fact that they’re really creepy.”

20. How do you beat all the radiation around here? Has it affected you? “Look I have a lot of specific things I take with me whenever I go out there and a metric fuck ton of Rad Away is one of them. I never eat anything that’s raw and I spend a long time washing food before I cook it. I’ve barely had to deal with that shit and I intend to keep it that way.”

21. What's your favorite wasteland critter? “Fine, I might be a bit biased but night stalkers and dogs. Dagny’s been an amazing pet and Maya’s an absolute sweetheart.”

22. What's your least favorite wasteland critter? “Deathclaws. Hate them to death. I don’t like admitting to it but they scare the fuck out of me and whenever I run into one I’m scared to death that it’ll hurt or kill someone I care about and I get into this weird fight or flight state where I’m either gonna run the fuck away as fast as I can or I fight till I run out of bullets or it kills me.”

23. How do you feel about robots? “To be honest they kind of used to freak me out a little especially robobrains but watching Loki put ‘em together and fix ‘em is actually pretty interesting and Kat’s fun. She’s bitchy in a fun way.”

24. How many caps do you have on you right now? “I never leave without at least 400 caps, you never know what the fuck’s gonna happen out there. There’s also several stashes with at least 200 caps in them that Angelus and I have hidden in areas we frequent.”

25. Nuka Cola or Sunset Sarsaparilla? “Fuck, man, Nuka always, especially Nuka Cherry. When I saw the damn bottling plant over at Nuka world I nearly cried.”

26. Do you do chems? “Uh...not really anymore. Ok, as a teenager I was drinking a lot and basically trying every chem anybody would offer. I didn’t keep any with me because I knew my brother would kick the shit out of me. I didn’t use frequently because I was afraid Loki would find out and I was really cautious about addiction. Now skip forward to Boston and this was after the deathclaw incident and I thought Loki was dead and I blamed myself for what happened and I wasn’t in a good place at all I’ll admit it. Met Angelus and some of his friends and they were getting high and/or drunk all the goddamn time we went to Nuka World and it got to a point where I thought that it would be better if I just died so I took to jet because it was the only thing that would numb me enough to stop feeling anything especially the guilt. On one particularly shitty day I was drunk and that exacerbated that guilty feeling so I hid and took one hit after another until I blacked out and next thing I know Angelus was pumping me full of Addictol while this other Operator helped him. Apparently I was declared dead for two minutes and when I came to I was fucking pissed off at him. That was the point and he fucked it up for me but I’m actually grateful for it and after that I stopped taking any of it and he actually slowed down on using any of them. He occasionally still used but not as much as before and he’s kinda stopped ever since we got married so win-win I guess.”

27. Do you ever think about the Pre-War world? “No, I don’t actually. That time is long gone and it’s never coming back so there’s no point in wasting time and energy into thinking about it. I’ve read up on it several times and while it sounds practical it also sounds utterly boring and I don’t know if society as it is now could possibly go back to it, not when we’ve lived this way for this long.”

28. What's your deepest regret? What would you do differently? “I have plenty of regrets but there are some I regret more than others. I regret suggesting that route that led to that nest, I regret getting addicted to jet and overdosing on it but I especially regret the one time I was brave enough to kill myself. This was obviously before I found out that Loke was still alive, this was after the overdose and way before we got married. I told Angelus to look after Dagny while I went out to do a favor for someone. I just kept walking and walking until I ran into this small abandoned bunker and I broke in and just dropped on the floor and just stayed there for days. I was choking on this guilt and I didn’t know how to make it stop. So I grabbed the knife I always carry with me and I just cut as deep as I could and waited. Few minutes later I could hear barking and in rushes Dagny followed by Maya, Angelus, Ginger, and Abigail. Spent a few weeks at their place. Didn’t eat, didn’t talk, barely moved, three of them watched me like a hawk. I’d made up my mind to eat a bullet as soon as they let their guard down but Angelus got pissed the fuck off at me and he started yelling at me. Told me I was acting like an asshole and being selfish. I finally spoke up and told him that I should’ve died with Lo and he actually pushed me and told me that Lo didn’t sacrifice himself only for me to go and kill myself and that by doing that I was spitting in his face and it made sense. We just stayed in bed for a few days, cried more than I ever did in my entire life and I don’t know it just made a bit of sense.

If I knew that I would eventually run into Loke and find out that he was still alive I would have never done any of that especially after Lo saw the scars and asked and I didn’t lie. I should’ve but I didn’t wanna lie to him and he was crying and I was crying and it was a bit of a mess. He told me that he thought about doing it too when he wasn’t able to find me and thought that maybe I’d died. That’s my biggest regret.”

29. What's your biggest achievement? Or what do you hope to achieve? “Look in this day and age I’ll consider growing old and dying of natural causes like the ultimate achievement.”

30. What do you want for the future? For yourself? Your friends? The world? “Don’t really have a plan, I mean, I’m just kind of winging it. For now we’re here in Boston but who knows, if there’s some other place we could run off to we’ll go and take it from there.”

Tagged by @wild-w4steland-snip3r (thank you, dear, this was super fun!)

Tagging @spiderkingtony and anyone else who actually read through and wanna do it.

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 2x06 Fog of War

This episode has one major character introduction (and one minor one), which might have been a cool reveal the first time I saw it, if I hadn't been always spoiled on it; some really tense moments involving major revelations for the characters themselves, which made me think for a moment I'd give this episode a higher rating; and a very questionable follow-up to the major storyline from the previous episode, which made me rate it lower than the previous few episodes, but nowhere near as low as an upcoming episode all focused on that storyline, and that's just because it's still a minor part of this episode.

Rating: 7.5/10

You've probably guessed what I meant already: the way the show deals with the aftermath of Finn's mass murder in the Grounder village is full of problems and annoying character behavior. Which gets even worse in episode 2x08, but it starts here, when we learn that Finn was questioned by the Council*in Camp Jaha and fully cleared, because, according to Abby: "He thought he was rescuing his friends". Sorry, what? Usually it's the Grounders that get on my nerves with their dumb decisions and attitudes, but this time, this storyline always made me extremely irritated with the Arkers. WTF is wrong with their judicial system and their moral views? They used to give death sentences on the Ark for any damn thing, from smoking weed to stealing medicine for your kids to giving birth to a second child to getting born as a second child; they announced they aren't doing it on the ground, but then were insisting on maintaining law and order by locking people up for hitting someone, or shock-lashing them for letting some of them go on an authorised mission; but killing 18 unarmed civilians who weren't posing a threat, all on your own - that's what they're OK with?

*Speaking of which, who’s in the Council now? Not any of the old members, since they died in Diana’s terrorist attack last season. We never see any of the new council members and I don’t we ever even hear about the council again. It’s always apparently just the Chancellor – whoever it is at the time (Abby, Kane, Pike) – making decisions on their own.

Now, if they had released Finn on the grounds of him suffering from PTSD, having diminished capacity - that would be a different matter. But they didn't. No one ever says explicitly that Finn is suffering from PTSD or has any kind of mental issue, and if they do think he has, why haven't they tried to help him? Do they even know anything about mental health? Do they have psychologists and psychiatrists? Going by everything we see in this and the following seasons, they have no clue. But in this case, the writers didn't seem to have much of a clue, either. (The show did much better with Jasper's storyline later on, though characters in-universe treated it just as poorly.) They even let Finn carry a gun and go on a recon mission with everyone else, and this time I’m totally with Octavia when she says she can’t believe they did it. (But does this mean that Octavia is the only one bothered because she is the only one who knew one of the victims?)

There are just mentions of how Finn has changed, etc. And then Raven even tells Finn "We all have battle scars, Finn. Suck it up and build a brace for yours." Um, no, no, Raven, you cannot do this with mental scars. That's not how it works. But, ironically, she'll find that out herself with what she will go through in seasons 3-4.

When I binged the show for the first time, I thought Finn’s character was a big failure because he was supposed to likable and a good guy, but never really came off that way. On rewatch, I realized he works much better as a character if I assume he was never meant to be all that likable in the first place. But “did they actually expect me to find him likable here, or not?” is something I’m still not sure at many points, and that’s the case in this episode. If they did, they really failed. It would be different if Finn was showing real guilt over what he had done, instead of going around trying to talk to Clarke and complaining because she’s not comfortable around him. “You don’t look at me the way you used to.” Duh! What did you expect?

The episode starts with an interesting scene where Clarke and Bellamy are making plans how to save their friends from Mount Weather. Bellamy actually says at one point that, if the Council doesn’t authorize the mission to save them, he’ll go there on his own. Which he seriously meant as that’s what he does in 2x09. Bellamy then asks about Finn (the second and last time the two of them ever talk about any of each other’s love interests) and Clarke replies she hasn’t talked to Finn, while Bellamy is trying to make lighter of Finn’s actions, saying “We’ve all done bad things” - .obviously to try to make her feel better, and because he feels guilty for allowing Finn to continue the mission with just Murphy to look after him, since we know from before that he’s well aware of the gravity of Finn’s actions. Then Finn arrives, his body language saying: “Go away, I need to talk to Clarke, since my relationship with her is the most important thing in the world”. Bellamy is understanding and walks away, while Clarke is following him with her eyes until he leaves, her body language saying “I much preferred you company, why did you have to leave me with him?” She’s obviously creeped out and doesn’t know how to act around this new, murderous Finn, who appears to be so much different from what she thought the guy she fell in love was. The time they spend together – hiding from the acid fog – in the house, where Finn killed Delano, the Grounder prisoner, doesn’t help – Finn takes a chance to give her Jake’s watch, but the moment is obviously spoiled for her by Delano’s dead body she sees lying there. What do you mean, murder isn’t a great way to say “I love you”? But it seems like I’m supposed to feel sorry for him, when he and Clarke have an exchange about how war has changed them all:

“I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

“Neither do I.”

“What have we become?”

With how I feel about this storyline, it may seem odd that I’m still rating this episode rather high, but 1) it is still a rather small part of this episode (and I’m going to pour all my hate for this storyline into episode 2x08), 2) Clarke’s extreme discomfort with Finn is character and makes sense –they may have released him, but that doesn’t mean people really feel like nothing has changed, and 3) the other storylines in this episode are really good.

I really like the scenes where Bellamy and Octavia go on their own to find an entrance into Mount Weather to save Lincoln -together with some Arker guards who decided to help them rather than listen to their orders - and are shocked to find him as a Reaper, who doesn’t recognize them but seems to have some sort of a reaction to Octavia’s voice. Those scenes are really intense, and the literal darkness of the Mount Weather hallways combined with the cheesy Christmas song that starts playing all of a sudden from a wind-up toy, just before a Reaper attack, makes for one of the creepier and more effective season 2 scenes.

(Season 2 was by far the most harmonious one for the Blake sibling relationship. Or rather, the only one. Their relationship is usually extremely dysfunctional.)

Major developments happen in Mount Weather itself. This is when Jasper, Monty and the other Delinquents finally learn the truth about their hosts – thanks to Maya, who has found out that her “accidental” radioactivity contamination was planned, and realized that the 47 may soon meet the same fate as the Grounders caught in MW. I’ve always liked Maya – I trusted her since first seeing 2x01. She’s one of the most underrated characters on The 100, IMO.

The scene where Maya shows Jasper and Monty the cages with people in them and people getting drained, is a really strong one. I love this dialogue where she tries to explain the mentality of the ordinary Mountain Men and their silent complicity in what their regime is doing:

Maya: “Everyone knows, we don’t talk about it (…) Look, without the treatments, we die. What were we supposed to do?” Monty: “Die.”

It’s one of the times when the show really successfully did moral ambiguity. Monty’s answer is kind of harsh, but completely understandable since he’s just seen the horrors happening, and he’s kind of right, but he’s also kind of wrong… Because it’s not exactly easy for people to ignore such a basic instinct as survival, for the sake of morality and humanness. But as we later learn, Maya’s mother did make that choice, refuse the treatments, and die. And Maya herself will help the Arkers, and die, as a result – kind of killed by Monty himself, saying “None of us is innocent” as her final words.

We also get more insight into the Wallace father-son relationship, with signs of their upcoming conflict, and some more info about MW. Though Dante’s title is President, we learn that every president of MW has been a Wallace. They’re basically a dynasty like the Kims in North Korea. We learn that the initial plan for the 48 was to “assimilate them into our gene pool”, which explains the chocolate cake and all other attempts to charm them. Dante must have been happy to see Maya and Jasper get close, in that case all he needed to do was let nature take its course, but how did they intend to do that with the rest of the kids? Arrange marriages/relationships? Ask them for sperm/egg cells? Dante is against draining the kids and says he “won’t put them in cages like animals”. You mean, like other people you already have in cages? Mount Weather will, in Dante’s opinion, eventually will be breached by radiation, which is an explanation for the panic of the Mountain Men, but Dante insists that it’s not just important to be able to go the surface, but that he won’t deserve to survive if he allows it. Um… you already don’t deserve it. Why does he draw the line with the kids? Is it because he thinks of the Grounders as “savages��� and finds it easier to dehumanize them?

(BTW, what on Earth made Dante give his son the name Cage, of all the things he could have possibly named him?!)

At the end of the episode, the kids in MW have decided to pretend and work within MW to get out, with Jasper and Monty have decided to volunteer for blood donations to fool their hosts. Raven has meanwhile discovered the secret MW channel, realized that it was MW that crashed the Exodus ship and that they are jamming all radio communications. She and Abby discussed whether to destroy the Mountain Men tower that does the jamming, which would allow them to get in radio contact with other possible survivors from other Ark stations, or to not do it and listen in to the Mountain Men conversations instead, which would allow them to rescue the kids from MW – and Abby finally made the decision to do the latter, which means she’s finally supporting Clarke in her determination to save her friends. The consequence of this is also that the Farm station survivors (including Pike, Hannah Green and Bryan) will only join the other Arkers in season 3.

The big character introduction in the episode is, of course, Lexa. Her right hand man/bodyguard Gustus is also introduced, and he utters the line “Blood must have blood”, talking about retaliation for Finn’s massacre, which is the first time we hear that line. I’ll never know if the twist at the end of the episode that Lexa is the Commander would have been a surprise for me. I was already spoiled, long before I started watching the show, that there was a character called “Commander Lexa”, that she has a relationship with Clarke at some point, and gets killed by a stray bullet after the first time they had sex – because that was a huge controversy in 2016, which you couldn’t avoid if you were visiting any online fandom sites, even if you knew nothing about The 100. So, when she introduced herself as Lexa, I knew “oh, so she’s the Commander”. The show did a good job playing against expectations by introducing her as a frail-looking young servant girl, playing on her youth and looks, so I might have been fooled otherwise, or I might have gotten suspicious after she was just standing there listening and observing Jaha and Kane all the time? Or maybe I would have thought she was someone spying for the Commander. In this episode, we just learn she’s smart and can be sneaky and likes to get a measure of her opponents/enemies – but we don’t really get more sense of what she’s like as a person and leader until around 2x09.

The thing with Kane and Jaha being made to fight to the death to supposedly decide who will live and be set free, reminds me of the Blodreina gladiator fights in season 5, except those were actual fights to the death, while this was just a ploy, and Octavia got the idea from the Roman history. But I guess that type of death match wouldn’t have been a foreign concept to the Grounders from the Wonkru.

The show tried to play with expectations for a second with Kane taking the knife to do something, as if he was going to kill Jaha, but at that point, we already knew what Kane was really like, so his attempt at self-sacrifice, in order to end the war, was not a surprise. He is still haunted by guilt for the culling (Jaha: “You didn’t order the massacre” – Kane: “Not this one”). One of the reasons I started liking him is that he is one of the few characters, alongside Clarke and Bellamy, who show genuine remorse for their actions. Another good piece of dialogue is when Jaha says that the things they did on the Ark were for survival of the human race, with Kane pointing out that the human race was, in fact, surviving without them anyway – to which Jaha replied that they are, then, doing everything for their people. Which is the justification/guiding motive Jaha has from this moment on: “for my people”.

I’m still not sure what exactly Lexa’s take from all of this was, since she declared to Kane“Your intention are honorable, and your desire for peace is true”, so apparently, she appreciated his conviction – but then she let Jaha go to be a messenger and deliver the dramatic message to the Arkers to “Leave or die!”, while detaining Kane to further talk to him, or observe him (?), or keep him as a hostage? What exactly was she planning to do with him?

Anyway, this is the only time that Lexa and Jaha ever interacted. It would have been interesting to see them talk about leadership some time, since they strike me as similar type of leaders: both are ruthless, believe that the end justifies the means and justify their actions by saying it’s all for their people, but their concept of “their people” is an abstract one, because they are less concerned with the welfare of individuals that make up the collective called “my people”, and are ready to sacrifice quite a few of them if their goals require it.

Timeline: 2 days after Human Trials. This is one of the few times we actually get some pointers about the time that has passed – and one of the few times we get a.. mini time jump. It’s weird to call 2 days a time jump, but most of the episodes start right after the previous one. It was only late in season 3 (after the “Six months earlier” tag in 3x13) that I realized how condensed the show’s timeline was.

Body count: 1 Arker guard killed by the fog, other two killed by Reapers, a couple of Reapers killed by Bellamy.

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare 6

AN: So there’s some timeline stuff in here, which may not be perfect. In terms of Paul, in particular, the information seems to disagree. I’m pretty sure he is mentioned as being one of the wolves present to rescue Bella (or at least she remembers 3 tall figures, one of whom was Sam). But on the Wiki page it says he turned in 2006. Anyway, I find a lot of the timeline stuff in the Twilight Saga confusing/odd, so while for the most part I am going to try to keep it relatively canon, I’m might discard it whenever it doesn’t make sense. Or because I want to.

Thanks for reading, and I still don’t own Twilight.

-------

It was a few days later when the reality of Jacob and the pack’s fears was driven home for me.

Charlie’s harrumph over his newspaper drew my attention off of the novel I was reading. Charlie and I had reached a comfortable, if unconventional accord, which allowed us to avoid awkward breakfast conversation, when neither of us were really awake enough to appreciate the effort of making small talk.

While Charlie often huffed over sports losses, or a particularly frustrating current event, I usually took little notice, preferring my escape into romance, fantasy, or both.

But today, something about his wordless distress compelled me to respond.

“What’s wrong, Dad?”

“It’s this situation in Seattle,” He made the noise again, then looked at me across the table from him.

“I don’t want you going up there by yourself, you understand, Bella?” Since Charlie rarely attempted to curtail my activities in any way, I was surprised. A cold feeling of dread stirred in the back of my mind, like part of me knew what he was talking about already.

“Why? What’s going on in Seattle?”

“Well, it’s not just Seattle, really, Portland too, and-”

“Dad! What is it?”

“I don’t want to scare you too much, Bella, it just, it looks like they’ve got some kind of serial killer or something up there.” The cold feeling intensified. A serial killer…or something.

“They’ve had quite a few disappearances up there, the last few weeks. At first it was just some disappearances among the homeless, a couple runaways, so they couldn’t be sure if there was really something…going on. But now…” He sighed, and turned the portion of the paper he’d been reading so that I could see it. It was a picture of several young people, under a headline that read. Disappearances and Deaths Continue to Rock Pacific Northwest.

Charlie pointed to one picture, separated from the others.

“This boy, Riley Biers, he disappeared last year from Oregon, but a couple witnesses claim he’s been spotted in Seattle, near where some of the more recent bodies were found. Not that witnesses are necessarily that reliable on stuff like that. ”

Charlie looked sad and grim.

“Talked to the Department up there, not sure if it has anything to do with the missing hikers. Thought they were animal attacks, but the bodies they’ve recovered up there have some similarities.” He frowned at me in concern. “Now, don’t go telling your school friends Bella, we’re trying to avoid causing a panic.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, it’s not exactly good lunch room talk.”

“Just be careful, kid, okay.” Charlie said, carefully not looking at me, as he ventured onto the dangerous ground of emotional talk (now that I seemed to not currently be in a mental breakdown of any kind, we had gratefully returned to avoiding discussing overly personal topics). Much better to talk gruesome murder than to express emotion to your teenage daughter. I smiled fondly at Charlie, then glanced away.

“You too Dad.”

The upside of this rash of murders and disappearances being tied together, callous though it seemed to think it, was that Charlie and his deputies had officially ceased hunting for out of control wolves in the woods, making both them and the pack more safe.

On the other hand, seeing those faces was haunting somehow. Probably because I had a much better idea than Charlie how and why these people were dying. And why some of them weren’t dying at all.

In school I struggled to focus, thinking about the pictures of the missing persons. The relatively few, odd bodies.

I was very, very afraid that I knew what might be going on.

I said as much to Kim and Emily that afternoon

Kim looked surprised, but Emily just sighed.

“Sam’s been worried about this. It would explain a lot, actually.”

“Explain what?”

I glanced at the window, Quil and Seth were on house patrol today, and playing some wolfy game at the edge of the woods. Jacob, Sam, and Jared were on patrol, since them running patrol together made it easier to consolidate their major vulnerabilities, us, into one spot, which could be easily guarded.

“It doesn’t make sense, that the shifts kept happening, after…they... left. The one leech passing through, three or four wolves could have easily taken it out. Sam was a little surprised when Jacob showed signs that he was going to shift, actually, but he figured he was just so close already, it was too late for him. Plus, of all of them, he has maybe the best lineage for it.”

I felt cold suddenly.

“Even once we knew that the other one, the female, was here, was hanging around…It doesn’t make sense. Why do we need eight wolves, for one bloodsucker?” I could hear Sam’s voice, underlying Emily’s words. Leech, bloodsucker, the calm logistical sense, the instinct.

“The Cullens were here for almost three years. Sam thinks just one or two vampires, passing through the area, it wouldn’t necessarily activate the wolf genes, unless they were hunting nearby, or came onto our land. Which is rare actually, almost as if it might be instinctual...anyway...A large family, living nearby, you’d think it would have activated more quickly… Sam shifted for the first time a little over a year after the Cullens arrived. But Jared only shifted in spring the next year, about sixth months later-”

Oh, God.

“When the nomads came through.” Kim and Emily give me blank expressions.

“Victoria, Laurent, and James. They were a group of vampires, the Cullens called them nomads, came to Forks in March, last year- James wanted to kill me. The Cullens killed him in Phoenix. That’s why Victoria… and Laurent was the one they killed earlier this year.”

“Right. Well, Paul shifted about week or so after Jared, then nothing for almost a year, and then Embry shifted, then Jake, then Seth and Leah, then Quil, about one a month. It was spread out, but now this rapid increase. The Cullens are gone. It could just be some sort of flaw in the shifter genes, that it takes a while for it to get going-“

“Which doesn’t make any sense, because it’s magic, as much as it’s a gene, right?” asked Kim, suddenly, looking frustrated. “They turn into giant wolves to protect our land, and you’re saying they didn’t turn much when the Cullens were here for three years, but now they’re turning like crazy.”

“Because Victoria, or someone, is turning a bunch of people, and they are holed up in Seattle?”

“Yes, but why would pack magic care about Seattle. Unless…”

Unless they weren’t just in Seattle. Or unless there were so many of them that whatever mystical power or energy controlled the wolf transformations considered it a risk.

Or both.

They were here, or had been here, or coming here. Watching. Hunting.

To kill me. And anyone who got in their way.

How many vampires could the wolves really fight against and win?

I looked at Emily’s scarred, still somehow beautiful face. At Kim’s startled round face, which made her look years younger than she was.

They’d become my friends.

To Victoria they would only be "in the way”.  

I ran out of the house

“Bella!”

“Bella, wait!”

Why hadn’t I thought? This was all because of me, and now an army of vampires was gathering in Seattle. Because of me.  

I wanted to run and run. Not until Victoria wouldn’t find me, because she always would; I was pretty much doomed. But until she would never find this cosy little house, where they let me be quiet and alone when I needed it, or where I could talk and laugh over books with Kim, seek warm counsel over muffins with Emily, where Leah would burst in with her scathing attitude hiding her soft, damaged heart. Where the peace would be happily shattered by a rough and rowdy tumble of the overgrown wolf boys,  weary and too brave, filling the house with welcome and family. Away from Jacob, who’d somehow pulled me back from endless despair, and who made the future look beautiful and full of sunlight, instead of dark nothing.

I stopped on the front porch.

I had nowhere to go.

I couldn’t protect myself. I couldn’t protect anyone

The wolves would come, to rescue me, no matter where I ran, because they’d promised me.

Because Jake loved me.

I didn’t have to leave. Relief

But it was only because I’d already doomed us all.

I sat down on the front porch and stared off into the forest. Waiting.

------

Of course, the world refused to stop for the impending doom of almost everyone in the world I loved.

I tried to shake off the fears I’d awakened, or at least to not think about it, but that had never been my strength, and I felt myself slipping, not into the despair of last fall, but into a sort of vague melancholy, which made the world recede a bit. Now that I’d been without it, I recognized it as the odd numbing sense of distance between me and the world, like I was reaching to it through plastic wrap, or wrapped up in thick, stiffling, wool.

“Death Toll on the Rise, Police Fear Looming Gang War” the morning paper had announced. The article had detailed several homicides from the last two weeks alone. No one I knew. Not yet.

It shouldn’t have surprised me when I noticed the brightly colored flyers that appeared all over the school one morning. But the bright pink and black flyers still caught me off guard, because of one potentially terrifying word, spelled out in big, overly cheerful lettering (in which I suspected the hand of Jessica).

“Only 3 weeks to PROM!” the poster’s exclaimed.

“A Night to Remember!’ Don’t miss Fork’s High School’s Senior Prom. Saturday, June 3rd! Tickets for sale at lunch in the cafeteria!"

I stared at the posters, cheeks hot and throat dry.

“Bella!” said a soft, but cheerful and welcoming voice beside me. I spun around, blush deepening.

“Do you think you’ll go? Ben and I are so excited, and I know Jessica is already making a list of possible dates!" Angela asked, smiling at my flustered face.

“Oh, um, well. Dancing you know…"

“Of course,” she replied, comprehension clear on her face. “But you should come you know, senior year and all. And I think your boyfriend would like it."

“Jacob?”

Would Jacob like it? I had not considered that. The only time I’d danced with Jacob had been when he was still an awkward, non-supernatural human. Plus he’d been delivering a warning he didn’t understand. And I’d been dating--

It was almost an afterthought to push aside the thought of his name now. A familiar ripple of pain across a familiar worn path in my brain. Funny how it was almost comforting, compared to the thoughts I’d been keeping company with lately. At least he was, as far as I knew, safe.

“Bella? Bella? Are you alright?” Angela touched my shoulder gently.

“What? Yes! I…I never thought about it before, prom." Jake, smiling down at me. Holding me, Saving me.

Jake, dying for me.

“Well, no need to worry too much about it. But think about it?"

“Yeah,” I said, sounding vague and ditzy to myself. “I, um, gotta go."

Angela smiled and patted me on the shoulder.

-----

Two days later I slumped down on the couch at Emily's feeling exhausted. All aside from the possibility of impending disaster, figuring out what to do after graduation was looming more and more eminently. I hadn't applied to any colleges, or even spent anytime thinking about the future since even before the Cullens had left. And now that I was thinking again, it seemed clear that that had been a bad idea. I was tired, and the thought that if Victoria had her way it wouldn’t matter what I planned, was panic inducing rather than relieving, which was at least proof that I wasn’t totally lost.

“-Bella?” I heard, coming out of my unhappy reverie.

“Huh? Sorry...."

“I was just wondering if everything was okay. You seem distracted.” Emily looked concerned and I wondered if she knew as much about me as I knew about her, and thought she probably did.

“I just…” my eyes were stinging. I pushed away my more painful worries and instead asked “Do you think Jake wants me to ask him to prom?” It sounded so stupid.

“Prom?” Emily blinked at me, surprised.

“You know, dancing, badly decorated gyms…” I mumbled, feeling more and more foolish. “I’m not really a dance kind of person...but do you think...I thought maybe Jake might want…would he like it?”

Emily’s face softened, and she smiled encouragingly.

“I think Jake would love to go to prom with you, Bella. But I think he’d also love to not go with you.”

My face felt so hot. Why couldn’t I ever stop blushing?

“I know they’ve been busy, and that you’re worried, Bella. But you know he loves you.”

I nodded. Yes, I knew. The fears I’d entertained about imprinting, or my persistent sense of inferiority had been pushed to the background, and it gave me an odd clarity.

If I wasn’t so selfish, so needy, would I be able to push him away, to get him out of my life, of the fight? I wouldn’t. And I knew it.

And the worst part was, that I was glad that it was too late anyway, that Victoria would come and the wolves would fight no matter what I did.

No part of me was ready to say goodbye to Jacob Black. And if it came down to it. If I needed to say cutting things in order to keep him safe, like I had an infinite year ago to Charlie, well, I was pretty sure I couldn’t do it.

A tentative, gentle hand on my arm pulled me back to the present yet again.

“I think I hear them coming back.” A benediction and a curse.

Sure enough, a moment later the door banged open and four boys stomped in, laughing and shoving and taking up much more room than seemed possible.

It was a comforting distraction. It was hard to feel as afraid when they were here, filling up the kitchen, seemingly without fear, enormous and healthy.

Sam, sweeping in, his usually serious face collapsing into a boyish grin as he swept across the room to Emily.

Paul, making a beeline for the food, only pausing to wink at me, to tug one of Kim’s braids.

Quil, making a ridiculous bow and then sweeping me up into a bear hug.

And Jake, growling, but his eyes smiling, as he pulled me out of Quil’s arms, into his own.

“I’m not a doll, you know.” I protested, not upset in the slightest, raising my face for a kiss.

“Sure, sure, Bells,” he murmurs, bringing his burning lips down to mine.

Suddenly I was not out of step with the world, even if it was just for this moment.

I pushed my head into Jake’s warm shoulder. Even though he was the person I was most worried about, in moments like this I still felt like somehow...I felt safe.

---

“Do you want to go to Senior Prom?” I asked, out of the blue, blush safely concealed by the dark of my truck’s interior. I felt Jake look over in surprise, but kept looking straight ahead, eyes on the road serving as an excellent excuse to not melt in embarrassment.

“You want to go to prom?” he laughed, “Bella Swan, who hates crowds, dancing, and dressing up?”

“Well,” No. That was  the truth, so it doesn’t make any sense why I’ve asked. Except, they’d wanted so badly for her to go, last year, even with my leg in a cast. It made them happy, having me do normal things, even if I grumbled and complained.

I wanted to make Jacob happy. Wanted to give him all the happy memories he might want, just in case…

It felt like all the air had been violently sucked from the truck’s interior, like I might collapse in on myself, like a dying star. But I’ve had a lot of practice now, and I don’t want Jacob to know how I’m slipping to being...damaged again, so I managed to hold still enough that my hands barely shook, and when I gripped the steering wheel tighter, they couldn’t even do that.

“Bella…” Jacob murmured, gently. “If-if you want to go…”

I blew out a breath.

“I don’t Jacob, I just thought...you’re right, prom is kind of my least favorite things all rolled up together, but I thought...something romantic...you might...want...”

Oh crap, this was humiliating. What was I even saying?

Jacob laughed though, looking pleased instead of confused or annoyed.

“Awww, that’s sweet Bells.” he grinned at me, and I wanted to turn my head to look more fully at that grin, but familiarity with the limits of my own driving skills kept my eyes (mostly) on the road.

“You’re a jerk” But the tight discomfort in my chest fades.

“Tell you what,” he slings an arm across my shoulders. Holy crow his arms are long.

“Let’s do something that night. Just the two of us, or we can do something with the pack, or with your friends. But we won’t go to the dance. We’ll spare the town of Forks that much at least.”

I’m too pleased with this new scenario to care about the teasing. “Like a date?”

He’s grinning again, and just for a moment I turn to bask in that glow.

“Yeah, like a date. It’s about time, right?”

—

The warmth of that moment dispelled the half-gloom I had been stuck in, at least for the evening.

I saw something imperceptible relax in Charlie’s face at dinner, and I knew that he’d noticed.

I went to bed humming, hoping that this was one of those nights when Jake would sneak in during his patrol, waking me up in his arms.

Naturally, this was the night my nightmare came back.

It was dark, but not full night dark, more like a deep in the forest dark. I knew, somehow, that a battle was going on somewhere, in the distance. I needed to get there. To protect them.

A growl, behind me, and I spun. I recognized that growl.

“Jake?”

“Isabella”

I turned back and an angel was standing in front of me.

“Edward!” He smiled his angel’s smile and something in my heart (still) leapt.

“You shouldn’t trust them Bella. They’re animals. They can’t control themselves.”

“Who?”

The growl again, and this time when I turned A familiar red-brown wolf was there, muzzle curled back, teeth as long as my forearm.

“It’s for your own good.”

“Wha-“

“Bella” the wolf said, gasping and broken for a moment, somehow speaking human words without moving his muzzle. Still snarling at Edward, Who snarls back a lion’s roar.

Hurtling toward each other, with death in their eyes.

A too loud crash. Blood.

Jacob, falling.

“Edward, no!”

I jerked awake, panting, swallowing a scream.

There was someone in the room.

Before I knew what I was doing I was cringing back, curling my legs under myself. Preparing to- to run? Jump out the window?

Yes. Outside, away from Charlie. Away. Jake would find me.

Large hands caught me as I leapt. I started automatically, fruitlessly, to twist.

“Bella - Jesus. What are you doing? Bella!”

“Jacob?” I relaxed marginally, then all the way as he pulled me into his warm chest. I curled into him. Safe.

And started crying.

“Bella, shh, you’ll wake Charlie. It’s okay, shh, I’ve got you. Just don’t want to be murdered, Bella”

He kept up a stream of comforting nonsense, mixed with my name, his hand stroking down my back.

I raised my still probably splotchy tear streaked face to look at his. Reassuring myself that he was real, and here.

There was something in his eyes, something broken.

“Jacob? What’s wrong?”

He blinked down at me, shakes his head.

When he looked at me again, his eyes were clear of whatever I saw before.

He scowled,  still gently stroking one hand down my back.

“What were you thinking Bella?”

“Thinking? About what?”

Oh right, my aborted leap for the window.

“Someone was here. But I didn’t see you. I thought- I thought- ” I’d barely been thinking, the combination of the dream, the shock of feeling myself not alone.

I pulled Jacob more firmly to me, with all my pathetic strength.

“Can you stay?” I asked, pressing my face into his chest to hide my blushing. Even though what I was asking was totally innocent.

He sighed  against me, and seemed to sag a bit. All the wolves were getting tired, with this endless high alert.

“Yeah… I’ll stay.”

He moved easily toward the bed, lowering us both down, and the relief was so great that I no longer even felt embarrassed.

I was already drifting off, curled firmly into Jacob, still holding onto him, like I could keep him safe from my nightmares.

“I love you, Bella.” He murmured, and there was something, something I was missing…

“Love you” I sighed, and fell asleep.

—

When the sun made one of it’s rare, full appearances in Forks and La Push, it was hard to remember to feel worried, or haunted by nightmares.

I woke up as the sun was rising, completely warm, and with only the fading traces of pleasant dreams.

I was curled against Jacob’s side, in a way that should have been strange, but wasn’t, knees resting against his thigh, my hands curled between my chest and his side, and my forehead resting against his rib cage. I could feel his arm resting behind me, by the radiating heat.

I tilted my head up to look at his face, still relaxed in sleep, bathed in the unusually bright morning sun.

I’d told Jacob before that he was sort of beautiful, but in truth that was an understatement. I’d always found his skin beautiful, not only because it was a warm, sun-kissed rich brown, even in the gloomy La Push weather, so different from (and therefore interesting compared to) my own nearly translucent pale. But it was also so smooth and even (heaven forbid a supernatural creature ever suffer a pimple or dry skin). His face was a bit too broad, as was his nose, and his wide mouth and soft lips a bit too generous for the classic Hollywood beauty Edward had possessed. His high cheekbones could have made his face look stern, especially in combination with his straight nose, and his thick, dark eyebrows, but in contrast with his lush mouth and luminous skin, they made him breathtaking. It was a face made for emotion - meant to be laughing, talking, or as I’d realized lately- looking at me in the intent way that made my face flame and heat curl inside me.  

But then again, I was in love with him.

I knew when other people saw Jacob these days, they saw his body - ridiculously tall, prematurely mature, supernaturally muscled, usually shirtless- I ran a hand up his chest to cover his heart.

I forgot sometimes, or took for granted, how beautiful he was. Because he’d brought so much beauty into my life that had nothing to do with the strength of his arms and abs, or the masculine beauty of his face.

“Mm. Bella?” he mumbled sleepily, blinking his eyes at me in sleepy affection, their deep brown a shade or two darker than my own.

I leaned up to press my mouth against his. The dream the night before and this perfect morning stirred something in me, between peace and desperation.

His hand curled around my back.

“Good morning, Jacob” I said against his lips, propping myself up to brace against his chest.

His chest rumbled under my hand with laughter.

He picked me up, and sat my on his stomach.

“You can say that again, Bells. Watch out, I could get used to this kind of morning.”

“Me too”

I wanted him. I blushed hard at the thought but there it was.

I leaned down over him, pressing my lips to his chest. It was so warm, his heart beat strong and true.

Jake’s body stiffened beneath me and he closed his eyes like he was in pain.

His hands ran up my legs to squeeze my hips (such as they were) and he sighed.

Several interesting parts of me went up in flames.

I groaned and dropped my head against his chest.

“We can’t do this, Jake. Charlie.”

“I’m not doing anything, Bella, this is all you.” he chuckled again.  I kissed his chest again.

He sucked in a breath and his fingers spasmed against my hips. I smiled in satisfaction, not lifting my head.

“Charlie’s not here. Maybe he had an early shift?” He was still laughing at me.

I kissed him again, sliding lower on his body, until his hands caught me.

My brief fear of rejection was squashed by the look in his eyes.

He lifted me up as if I weighed nothing, my legs dangling down to the mattress on either side of him.

“Don’t you have to go to school?”

“Oh, shoot! What time is it?” I squirmed until he put me down, then promptly rolled off the bed.

“Ow!”

Now he was definitely laughing at me. He sat up and peered down at me. It really wasn’t fair that almost everyone I hung out with was supernaturally graceful.

“You okay, Bells?”

“Shut up, Jake.” I had about half an hour.

“Don’t you have to go to school too?” he stretched, sliding out of bed and rolling his neck and shoulders.

“Yeah, yeah. Guess I should. Sam’s got me on patrol tonight. Again.”

“You won’t be in trouble for staying with me last night, will you?”

“Nah. I was done when I came by anyway.”

I pulled clothes out of drawers blindly, and remembered just in time that I couldn’t change while Jacob was in my room.

But I didn’t want him to believe this little bubble of safety and happiness we’d woken up to.

“Stay.” I told him, ducking out of my room to the bathroom, grateful to the gods of police department scheduling who’d gotten Charlie out of the house at the right time, yet again.

Jake’s laughter followed me to the bathroom.

We didn’t have time for anything fancy for breakfast. But Jacob happily bolted down the jumbo bowl of cereal I put in front of him, while I ate my own more modest portion.

He drove me to school (in my truck), despite my half-hearted insistence that he leave for his own school day.

So when I stumbled into first period, with just 5 minutes to spare, it was warm and still blushing from a breathless kiss he’d given me in the parking lot before melting into the forest.

Jessica smirked at me as I slid into my seat. I tried to bite back my smile. Smiling too much in pre-calc was never a good idea.

“Morning, Bella. You look happy today. Was that Jacob dropping you off for school?” Angela asked, too innocently. I tried to muster a glare.

“He stopped by this morning...yeah.”

“Oh my God!” Jessica replied, in a restrained shriek.

“Shhh”

“I really want to hate you sometimes, Bella Swan. Are you bringing him to prom? Can he bring some friends, preferably ones that look like him?” Apparently she and Mike were off again. He threw a disgruntled look at her, which she didn’t notice.

I laughed, imagining the chaos of the La Push pack descending on the Forks High prom.

“I think we’re going to do something else, just the two of us, or with some of his friends from La Push.”

“WhA-” but her exclamation was mercifully cut off, by the start of class.

It resumed promptly after, and continued, with more restrained but still supportive input from Angela.

“I think the kids from La Push are allowed to come, as long as they buy tickets, I think they have to be invited by someone from Forks.”

“Yeah, there was like totally a lawsuit or something.”

“I’ll ask Jake and maybe the others. But I hate dancing, and I hate dressing up, and I hate you guys.” I grumbled, walking into last period. They froze for a moment, looking at me.

“Did Bella make a joke, Ang?”

“She really did.”

“Haha.”

---

[ladyseaheart1668]

Endless Summer Fan Novel (Book 3, Chapter 2)

We make our way over to the cluster of huts. As we approach, I realize that some of them actually appear to be stalls, but if there are any wares for sale, they've all been packed away for the night.

“It's...some kind of market,” Jake murmurs. “But it looks like everything's shuttered up.”

I start to feel doubt creeping in at the edge of my mind. “Do you really think someone out here might have seen our friends?”

“It is an island after all,” Yvonne remarks with a shrug. I'm not sure if that answer is a yes or a no.

“Guess we're gonna hafta start pounding on doors.” Jake walks up to what looks like the central hut and raises his fist to knock. But before his fist meets the wood, a small round window on the door flies open. I yelp as a male Vaanti, his face covered by a bright orange frog mask with enormous red lips, appears in the window.

“Salabok tijii!” he growls. “We're closed!”

“Even for the Catalysts?” I ask.

Jake nods. “Twelve Catalysts of myth and legend. Well...three of them at the moment. Perhaps you've heard of us?”

“Catalysts, you say? Yes. That is very impressive. Still closed.” He grunts, drawing back from the window, preparing to close it. “There were others like you at the cove recently. But not nearly as annoying!”

“Others?” I gasp. “Like us? Who? How many?”

“How should I know? Go away!”

“Wait! I, uh...I might have something that'll interest you...”

Jake looks at me in surprise. “You're gonna barter with this guy?”

I pull off my backpack and dig around inside for something that might be useful. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have much. I've got the destroyed time-portal gun, an amber arrowhead that he probably has dozens of, a few filthy quarters that have probably been there since before I even left on this trip, a bottle of Midol that's probably been there even longer than the quarters...I look around frantically, and spot something sticking out of the pocket of Jake's green bomber jacket.

“How about this sublime cigar?” I pluck Lundgren's partially-smoked Havana cigar from Jake's pocket and hold it up. “You haven't lived until you've tried one of these babies!”

Jake grins. “Princess ain't wrong. I, uh...may have sampled it a little...”

“Hmm.” The Vaanti strokes his chin. “Promising.”

I hold it out to him. “Okay, so I'll trade it to you for--”

“Gurgi does not need it,” he snaps. “Have several. ...Your selling technique, though. That has promise.”

“I...what...?”

He stares at me for a moment, chuckling softly. “Come back tomorrow and Gurgi will have a business proposition for you.” With that, he slams the window shut.

“Rude,” Estela mutters in irritation. Jake brings a hand to his mouth, trying in vain to cover a yawn. It occurs to me that he and Estela have probably not had a proper night's sleep in three days.

“Sounds like our best bet'll be to ask around in the morning,” he murmurs.

“Agreed. In the meantime, we should probably all get some sleep.”

“Good call, Princess. I think that patch of sand over there is callin' my name.”

“I will take the first watch,” Yvonne volunteers.

We find a secluded spot near the treeline to spend the night. Before I sleep, I take off the heaviest pieces of my amber armor and set them aside. As much as I feel safer wearing it, particularly since it protected me from a hail of bullets back at MASADA, there's just no way I could possibly sleep in it. I lie down in the sand, curling up on my side. Jake's arm curls around me, and pulls me gently against his chest. I feel him kiss my ear.

“You looked like you needed a big spoon.”

I smile in the darkness, twining my fingers through his. “I definitely did.”

Curled up with Jake, feeling secure and protected in his embrace, I let my exhaustion take me, dropping immediately into deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

The distant sound of shouting breaks through the darkness. Blearily, I climb back towards consciousness, making my way to wakefulness through a dense fog. I open my eyes to find Yvonne standing in front of a market stall, now laden with wares. The same Vaanti from last night, the one with the frog mask, is there, looking highly agitated.

“Gurgi said go away!” he shouts. “We have had enough of your kind raiding and pillaging!”

“Not all of us are like that, ami,” Yvonne protests. “Some of the most respectable people you will ever meet are pirates!”

“Oh, really? Is that why you pocketed those mezzberries?”

“What, these? Were they not samples?”

“You're all the same! Thieving good-for-nothings!”

Behind me, Jake stirs, sitting up groggily. “Mmmuh...whershtha fire...?” he mumbles. Nearby, Estela pushes herself up on her hands, blinking sleepily. I sit up and start to gather the discarded pieces of my armor, putting them back on.

“Come now!” Yvonne is saying. “I'm a customer like everyone else.”

“Leave! Unless you have some throats to cut or property to steal!”

“C'est dommage,” Yvonne sighs. She turns and walks back over to us.

“Everything okay?” I ask, fastening my cuirass. She merely shrugs, munching on a handful of berries.

I look back at the collection of huts. The little area seems to have come alive with Vaanti now, weaving in and out of stalls, examining the wares. The trader in the frog mask is trying to get their attention.

“Kostarii!” he calls. “Gurgi's stall is where dreams are bought and sold! Come trade with one who is patronized by Elyyshar Varyyn himself!”

Any lingering sleepiness vanishes in an instant. “Varyyn?” Three Catalysts escaped MASADA with Varyyn. And one of them was my best friend.

“That's our cue,” Jake says, getting to his feet. He, Estela, and I rush over to the stalls, Yvonne following behind us with a scowl on her face. Several Vaanti turn as we approach, peering curiously at us behind their masks. Gurgi looks up at me.

“Ahh! Just the one Gurgi wanted to see! Come, there's a deal to be made!”

I rush over eagerly. “Varyyn was here? When? Where did he go?”

Gurgi looks up at the crowd, and then back at the wares on his counter. “Gurgi can take you to the elyyshar. But first your help is needed. You see, there hasn't been a single sale today. If things don't turn around soon, Gurgi will have to close permanently.”

“We didn't come here looking for a job!” Estela snaps.

“Just help complete one barter,” Gurgi pleads. “Then we go see the elyyshar.”

I grit my teeth, curling my hands into fists. I don't want to delay. Diego was with Varyyn. I want him back. But I know better than to bite the hand that feeds me.

“...I...suppose that sounds simple enough.”

“Hawk Frog Mart's wares?” Jake says, shaking his head in dismay. “What even is most of this stuff?”

“Pah! The value of my goods will be obvious to any who see them!”

“If you say so,” Estela says skeptically. We each gather an item, and wander through the market, trying our luck with the various patrons. I pick up what looks like some kind of doll made out of wood and leaves. After about thirty minutes, I've gotten nowhere. And it doesn't seem the others have had much luck, either.

“Aw, come on!” Jake says to a disinterested Vaanti woman. “It's, uh...a hat made of bananas! What's not to like?”

“Come and get your seaweed crackers!” Yvonne calls. “Mes amis, I can attest to their deliciousness!” She stuffs one into her mouth.

“No, no!” Gurgi cries. “Those are opaba lisi! Dried leeches!” Yvonne's eyes widen and she spits out the mouthful onto the sand, gagging.

Nearby, Estela thrusts a bag at another Vaanti, her exasperation plain. “It's simple. I give you this bag of seashells and you give me something in return. Ready? And go.”

“Go,” the Vaanti repeats. Then he turns and continues on his way. I sigh, tossing the doll thing back on the counter. I wander over to Yvonne and cup my hands over my mouth, calling out to the gathered crowd, “Anyone wanna trade for some opaba lisi?”

To my mild surprise, a ram-masked Vaanti turns eagerly toward me. “Opaba lisi? Koh!” He removes a wriggling centipede from a pouch at his waist and holds it out to me.

“Oh!” I look down at the squirming thing. “You want to give me that in exchange?”

“Khalarat ryysa! Tosskal!” The man drops the cetipede into my hand, and happily accepts a handful of dessicated leeches.

“Yes, indeed,” Gurgi declares. “Opoba lisi is a powerful aphrodisiac.”

“Really?” Jake asks, wandering up to us. “Go figure.”

I glance over at Yvonne, who seems to have cornered a male Vaanti beside a hut.

“Mmm, I do like a man of mystery,” she says coquettishly. “Perhaps you'll give me a glimpse of your handsome face?”

The Vaanti lets out a weak, “Uhhh...”, glancing around for an escape route.

“An aphrodisiac is about the last thing she needs,” Estela remarks. I chuckle, turning to hand the cetipede to Gurgi. He accepts it eagerly.

“Oh, thank you, Catalysts! You have saved me!”

“Oh, don't thank us,” Estela says with a smile. “That was all Alodia.”

“Seriously, nice work, Princess.” But my attention is on Gurgi.

“Okay, we made a sale. Will you tell us where Varyyn and our friends are now?”

Gurgi pulls out a small bundle wrapped in leaves and places it on the counter. “These are the elyyshar's requested goods. He and his entourage are camped in a hidden inlet west of the cove.” He points toward a gap in the cliff face, through which I can see an expanse of beach. “Perhaps you would not mind delivering these goods to Elyyshar Varyyn?”

I don't need to be asked twice. I snatch up the bundle and run towards the inlet. Jake and Estela follow close behind me. I hear Yvonne's voice from across the market.

“I will be here if you need me, mes amis! Now where were we, mon beau mec bleu?” ...Good lord, I hope the poor man manages to escape. But selfish as it probably is, I can't think about him right now. I am thinking about another man.

We duck between an opening in the cliffs and arrive on a secluded strip of beach. Michelle, Raj, Varyyn, and Diego are sitting together on the sand. I drop the bundle and race towards them, my heart in my throat.

“Diego! Diego!” Diego turns and immediately leaps to his feet, his eyes wide.

“Allie!” I throw my arms around his neck and he scoops me up, gripping me so hard it almost hurts, even through my armor. “You're okay! I knew it! I knew you had to be okay!”

“It's Alodia! It's Alodia!” Raj's massive frame nearly knocks me and Diego over when he joins in the hug.

“Alodia, thank goodness...” Michelle comes up on the other side to add herself to the group hug.

“Ah...is this a proper greeting?” I hear Varyyn ask from where I am buried inside a magnificent pile of my friends' arms. I feel him approach from behind me and awkwardly put his arms around the group. “...It is good to see you, Alodia.”

“I missed you guys,” I croak tearfully.

Jake clears his throat. “Hey, Estela and I are okay, too, just in case you hooligans were wondering.”

They step back from me to look at Jake and Estela. Diego is the first to break away to pull them both into a hug. “Glad you two are all right. Thanks for looking after Allie for me.” Jake snorts and ruffles his hair.

“You gotta know by now I ain't gonna let anything happen to her.”

“Wait,” Michelle says suddenly, her expression falling. “Sean was in the helicopter with you. Is he...?”

“We don't know,” Estela says grimly. “After Alodia fell, he and Craig went to search along the coast while Jake and I went into the forest.”

“What about Zahra?” Diego asks. “And Quinn?”

Jake's face is tight with pain. “No idea, Short Stuff. ...Skrillex fell just before Alodia. And Red...”

He trails off. I glance at Jake uncertainly. ...There are things I know about him that he doesn't know I know. Things I saw in the visions that came when I touched his idol. I know that his habit of handing out nicknames came from Mike. Just three days ago, he saw Mike alive after believing he had been dead for three years. ...Alive, but with his mind imprisoned inside some wretched cybersuit. The fact that he has barely called anyone by name since I reunited with him has not escaped me. I take his hand and squeeze it, feeling him grip back.

“...I've sent my best scouts to locate everyone,” Varyyn says softly. “If the others can be found, they will find them.”

“I don't like that 'if'...” Michelle declares, her voice breaking.

Raj claps his hands. “Homies, what we need right now is a dope-ass brunch. You can't be anxious on a full stomach.”

“I am starving,” Diego admits.

“The supplies from the trading post should arrive soon.”

“Oh! Fuck me, I almost forgot!” I look around for the bundle. Apparently, Estela picked it up after I dropped it to hug Diego, because she passes it to me now. I hand it to Varyyn, who inspects it briefly before passing it to Raj.

“All right! The good stuff's finally here!” He eagerly tears into the bundle. His expression wavers slightly. “What the...a mango and a bunch of seaweed? Where's the coconut milk? And the spices?”

“Oh...I guess that's all he had?” I scratch my head awkwardly. “Sorry, I didn't look in the bundle beforehand...”

Raj shake his head. “It's fine. I've made feasts with less than this. I'll just...” He falters, swallowing. “I'll just...I can...um...” He stares at the pile of seaweed and the meagerly sized mango, his hands trembling.

“...Raj...?”

“I can't make anything with this!” he screams, making us all jump. He flings the ingredients to the ground and storms off down the beach.

“I...think we broke Raj again,” Diego murmurs.

I bite my lip. “You guys wait here. I'm gonna go check on him.”

I hurry to catch up with Raj. To my mild surprise, he slows down to let me catch up with him. For a moment, we walk silently along the water together.

“...You okay?” I ask. As we round a rocky outcropping, light reflects off the tears on his eyelashes.

“I'm sorry, Alodia. I can't do it.”

“Raj, it's okay. You don't have to prove your cooking skills. You're our resident top chef and everyone knows it.”

“I know. It's just...I'm always the one to bring everyone together, to lighten the mood...” He stops walking, his gaze falling. “I don't think I can do it now, Alodia. After everything we've seen...I don't think I have it in me anymore.”

I put a hand on his shoulder. I'm searching for words when a soft green glow filters onto his face. I look up sharply. The same translucent, sexless figure we encountered last night is suddenly there beside us, leading concernedly towards Raj.

“...You again?”

Raj sees who I'm talking to and yelps, staggering back. “Ohhh, god! I am too sober for this to be happening!”

“What are you?” I ask the ghostly thing. “What do you want from us?”

The figure flares with light, and extends its hand towards Raj, offering him a leatherbound book. It gestures with the book, almost imploringly. Raj looks down at it, trembling.

“...That's...Grandma's recipe book...? But...I thought that got burned up!” He shakes his head wildly. “I shouldn't. It's a trap. It's a trap!”

But my mind is making connections. I do not know what this thing is, if it's been sent by the Endless or if it's something else entirely. But if I'm right...

“It's not a trap. I've seen this before. I think it's trying to help us.” I reach out to take the book. Once again, the figure vanishes the moment my fingers close around the slim volume. “Here, Raj. You'll want to see this.”

Raj reaches out uncertainly, and I let the white haze consume me.

In an outdoor marketplace, stalls lined with brightly colored produce stretch as far as the eye can see. Raj stands in the middle of an empty walkway, surrounded by a small film crew and a cameraman.

“All right,” a woman I assume is the director says. “Let's take it again. Can I get starting positions?”

Raj frowns a little. “Sorry, uh...does somebody have my coffee?”

“Get Raj his coffee, please,” the director calls. “And we're rolling in 3...2...1...”

The crew quiets. Raj picks up a bundle of leeks and smiles into the camera. “Hey, guys! Raj Bhandarkar here. We're outside of one of my favorite outdoor markets in the world, La Boqueria in Barcelona! As you know, my cooking is majorly inspired by my buddies from college. That's why I'm here with my bro of bros, Craig Hsiao!”

Craig, in a T-shirt and denim jacket, steps up beside Raj, grinning. “Yo!”

“You ready to get sickly leeked, dude?”

“Uh...what?” Craig's face suddenly lights up. “Oh! You mean your grandma's chicken and leek curry? That stuff's bomb!”

“You know it! We're gonna need fresh ginger, a few cinnamon sticks, and, uh...” He suddenly trails off, frowning.

“You okay?” the director asks.

“I'm fine. Sorry. Late night last night.”

Craig grins, clapping him on the back. “Hey, it's not his fault everyone wants to buy drinks for the star of Bhandarkar Fills Bellies!”

“Okay, let's try starting with the interview instead. Ready? And...action!”

Raj grins into the camera again. “So, broseph, I'd ask you what your favorite food is if I didn't already know your feelings on the subject of fried chicken.”

Craig laughs. “I try to keep it gourmet, you know? Plus a little szechuan makes everything tastier.”

A series of beeps from Raj's pocket interrupts the filming again. He pulls it out of his pocket and glances at the screen.

“Oh, it's Chris! Sorry guys, I gotta take this real quick.”

“Like, Chris Winters?!” Craig yelps. “The movie star?!”

The camera man stops recording as Raj puts the phone to his ear. “Chris, my boy! S'up? ...Milan? Tonight? I dunno, man...All right, all right, now we're talkin'! It's a deal. See you there, dude!” He puts his phone away and turns to the crew. “I'm gonna have to cut this short, guys.”

“What?!” the director yelps. “Raj, we've barely got enough footage to work with for the episode!”

“We're about to get a whole lot more! We're gonna take Grandma's curry to a premiere afterparty in Milan!”

“Whaaaaaaat?!” Craig cries. “Hell yeah!”

“Chris wants me to take over catering. He says we can film whatever we want. You're coming, right Craig?”

“Bro, Imma keep living your dream with you as long as I can!”

The world is once again awash with light, and I am back on the beach with Raj. I release the book, smiling at him. He stares at the leatherbound volume quivering in his hands.

“Did...Alodia, did I just see the future?”

I nod, my grin widening. “Yeah. And I saw it, too.”

“In my family, my grandma was the only one who believed in my cooking...Do you really think I could have my own show someday?”

“Raj, your food is already legendary with us. It's only a matter of time before other people catch on.”

“...Yeah...you know, I think you're right.” He flips open the recipe book, drawing in a deep breath. “All right, Grandma, let's do this!”

The two of us head back to the others. They look up as we approach, concern in their eyes.

“Everything okay, Julio Child?”

“Guys,” Raj says seriously. “The X-Files was right. The truth is out there!”

“You know that was just a TV show, right?” Diego deadpans. I snort, coming over to ruffle his hair with both hands.

“You're one to talk!” He laughs, swatting my hands away. Michelle frowns at Raj.

“Hey, Raj...where did you get that book?”

He shakes his head dismissively. “Never mind, doodlejumps! We're goin' back to the market!” He jogs towards the break in the cliffs.

“Come on, everyone!” I call. “Follow that chef!”

As we're making our way back to the trading post, Varyyn suddenly stops and looks out at the water. I turn to see what's caught his eye, and spot brightly-colored sails bobbing and swaying amid the tide.

“Windsurfers,” he says wistfully. “This cave has the best waves in all of Vaanu.”

“Little do the people of Elyys'tel know that surfing is their king's true calling,” Diego says with a grin.

“You are my true calling, Diego,” Varyyn replies, smiling as a blush creeps over Diego's handsome face. “...But surfing is also very good.”

Diego snorts. “You just had to ruin it, didn't you?”

Varyyn smirks, leaning down to plant a kiss on the top of Diego's head.

“There you are, mon chers!” We turn to see Yvonne striding over to us, smiling widely. “My masked beau was shier than I'd expected. Though he was kind enough to give me his sea catch for the day...” She holds out a woven satchel filled with oyster shells.

“Oh, sweet!” Raj exclaims. “I should be able to crack these babies open.” He digs around in the sand for a moment and pulls out a rock before sitting down next to the satchel.

“Yvonne,” I say, “are you sure he gave these to you? You didn't take them?”

“Oh, my,” Yvonne replies cheerfully, “but this is a beautiful view...”

“Ugh, these are tough,” Raj mutters in annoyance. “Where's Sean when you need him?”

I can't help but notice how Michelle's expression darkens at the mention of Sean. She wanders towards the trading post, searching for something to distract her.

“What's that hut there?” she asks, pointing. “The one decorated with flowers?”

“Ahh,” Varyyn says. “Someone has been joined in a handfasting.”

“A handfasting?”

“In Vaanti society, when two people love each other deeply, they may choose to bond their lives together in a ceremony called Niala'rei. Before friends and family, they are symbolically joined and must spend a year and a day in each other's presence. If they still love one another after that time, their spirits are believed to become one for all eternity.”

Jake comes up beside me, silently placing a hand on my back. I edge a little closer to him.

“That's...beautiful,” Diego says softly, meeting Varyyn's eyes.

“A beautiful hell perhaps!” Yvonne scoffs.

Jake looks over at Raj. “How those oysters comin', Cookie?”

Raj opens his mouth to reply, but he's cut off by a scatter of cries from the Vaanti bustling through the trading post. We look up to find that they've all stopped to stare in alarm at the water.

“He is back!” Gurgi yelps. “Run for your lives!”

I pull away from Jake to find a better vantage point, and squint out across the sea. My heart leaps into my throat as I see exactly what has the Vaanti in such a panic. A massive wooden sailing ship, like a brigantine or a galleon, is cutting through the waves toward the beach.

“Is that a pirate ship?” Diego gasps. Yvonne's hands curl into fists.

“Malatesta,” she growls through gritted teeth. “You bastard!”

Distant explosions accompany bursts of white smoke on the sides of the ship, and then there are cannonballs arcing through the air towards the Vaanti dwellings.

“Look out!” Estela screams. I drop to my knees, covering my head with my forearms as a hut next to me shatters apart, raining down sharp flinders. I feel debris striking at my arms and against my armor. When it seems to have all settled, I look up and find Estela in front of me. She takes my arms, helping me to my feet. The others are rushing over.

“You all right?” Jake asks anxiously, looking me over.

I nod, shaking a little. “I'm fine.”

“Good reflexes,” Diego quips.

“Well, someone around here has to be the clearheaded one,” Michelle remarks. Around us, the Vaanti are scattering, running for the cliffs. Gurgi is at his stall, frantically gathering his goods.

“Get out of here, Catalysts!” he cries. “He's coming to--” He is interrupted by a loud thunk from the side of his stall that makes him yelp. A harpoon is lodged in the wood, connected to a hemp rope in a makeshift zipline.

“Is it the Caped Crusader?” Raj gasps.

“Please be Christian Bale, not Ben Affleck,” Diego mutters.

The man in the long coat does not appear to be either Bale or Affleck. He is a tall, handsome young man with a bushy blond beard and the weathered skin of a sailor. He hops onto the sand beside Gurgi's stall. Yvonne marches over to him, her own lovely, sea-weathered face twisted with rage.

“Look what crawled out of the cesspools!” she sneers.

The man narrows his sapphire-blue eyes at her. “If it isn't my least favorite ghost. Stand aside, Yvonne. Unless you're ready to return to the grave.”

“What's going on here?” I demand.

“Parley's just finishing up. Now it is time to take what's mine.” He pulls a wheellock pistol from his belt.

“Malatesta, you scabrous bilge eel!” Yvonne roars. “I'm not about to let you sack this place!”

“These people live peacefully here!” Varyyn growls. “You will not harm them.”

“Wait, Malatesta?” I gape at the man in front of me. “You mean this is your old captain?”

“The very same,” Yvonne confirms flatly. She draws her own pistol, but with a sharp crack and a puff of smoke, Malatesta shoots it from her hand and sends it tumbling across the sand.

“Missed,” he sneers. “I was aiming at your head. Second time's the charm, eh?”

“Stop!” I shout. “That's enough!” Malatesta turns to me, looking me over with a critical eye.

“Tell me, Yvonne. Who is the tiny one with the yellow hair? She is the size of a kitten, and yet in that armor she clearly fancies herself a lioness.”

“My name is Alodia!” I snap. “And you can turn right around and sail away. There is nothing of value here.”

“How dare you!” Gurgi squawks indignantly.

“That's a little harsh, Allie,” Diego adds plaintively.

“Gurgi works night and day to supply this shop with...” He trails off suddenly, catching my eye. “...With...nothing! Gurgi has nothing!”

“You don't gotta tell us twice,” Raj agrees.

“You see?” I say, looking back at Malatesta. “Are you really gonna try to kill people over fruit and seashells?”

Malatesta is already reloading his pistol. “I said the talking is finished, little kitten. Get out of my way!”

Yvonne lets out a wordless roar of fury and runs headlong at Malatesta, tackling him into the surf. They devolve into what can only be described as a brawl, neither gaining the upper hand as they wrestle and box in the shallow water.

“That's it!” Gurgi shouts. “Give him a good throttling!”

Diego moans. “I can't watch! They're like bloodthirsty animals on National Geographic!”

“More like animals in heat,” I mutter, smirking in spite of myself. “I almost wonder if we should give them some privacy.”

Finally, soaking wet and heaving with exhaustion, the two pirates stop and break apart, glaring murderously at each other.

“You always thought you were better at everything!” Malatesta snarls.

“I am better, you pox-ridden guttersnipe! You remember what you told me on the coast of Barbados? That you were the greatest wave rider? You were wrong! I was I who was the best!”

“Tell it to my arse! You're a wave rider like a cabin boy's a first mate!”

“Okay, I'm seeing your point, Allie,” Diego murmurs to me. “This is clearly foreplay.”

Malatesta points to the natural pillars rising out of the sea in the distance. “See those columns over there? I'd bet my ship ye couldn't get a group around the lot of them in less than an hour's time!”

Yvonne straightens, raising an eyebrow. “What did you say?”

“I said, I bet my ship ye can't...” He stops, his eyes going wide. “Oh...never mind...”

“Oho! You can't get out of it now, you leprous barrel monkey! You're on!”

Malatesta growls in frustration. “Fine, ye fork-tongued scalamagdrion. But come back in more than an hour and I get every last plantain and filbert out of that stall, understand? Blasted blue elves owe me after what they did to me crew! And if your friends even try to stop me, I'll blast this place sky high!”

“What?!” Gurgi yelps. “No! No deal!”

“Bon,” Yvonne declares. “The wager is accepted. And since I get to choose a condition as well, I select Alodia to represent me in the test of skill.”

“Wait...windsurfing?” I sputter.

Yvonne retrieves her hat and straightens her jacket, making her way out of the surf and over to me. “Oui. For a ship. A ship that will help us find your friends.” She slings an arm around my shoulders and whispers in my ear. “The fact is, he's right. I am a terrible wave rider.”

“But then, why would you...”

“Tricks of the trade, ma fille!”

Malatesta pulls out a small hourglass and trudges toward the other side of the cove. The rest of us follow.

“Woooo! It's on!” Raj crows.

“Oh, boy,” I groan. “What have I gotten into...?”

“You will do very well,” Varyyn says reassuringly. “You bested even Uqzhaal at quuk'tanoi.”

“Yeah,” Jake agrees. “It was enough to win you a mask. You'll be fine.”

I look to where Malatesta has managed to acquire two boards. “I guess I won't be alone out there...but I don't know who I'm supposed to take with me.”

“Well, if you're looking for speedy maneuvering, Jake's your dude,” Raj says. “He killed it in our jet ski race at The Celestial. And we all know you two work well together.”

“But Alodia's going to need stamina and control more than speed,” Michelle argues. “Those pillars are scattered way out. I think Estela might be a stronger choice.”

“Or Varyyn,” Diego suggests. “He understands the area better than anyone. He's been coming to this cove for years.”

Yvonne is hoisting the single sails on the two unclaimed boards. She smiles coyly at me. “Who will it be, Alodia?”

I sigh heavily. “Sensible as it might be to take someone who knows the area, Raj is not wrong when he says Jake and I work well together. And not just for the obvious reasons.” In spite of myself, I grin at him. “We're proven to work well in tandem, by land, sea, or air.”

“I like the way you think, Princess. Time to get wet.” He pulls off his shirt and heads over to the surfboards. I carefully remove my armor, and strip off the clothes underneath until I'm down to my bra and panties.

“You've got one hour to make it around the farthest pillar and back,” Malatesta informs us. “A breath longer, and it's time to pay up or get blown up. ...Go!”

He flips the hourglass and slams it down in the sand. Jake and I grab the sails on our boards and run toward the water. When the water reaches our knees, we swing ourselves onto the boards and angle the sails backwards. I grasp the rig attached to the sail and feel the sail catch the wind and push me forward.

“I think this is probably the quickest path,” Jake calls. He maneuvers and harnesses the wind, taut muscles rippling under his skin. “Stick close, Princess, and we'll be home in time for supper!”

“Only if you can keep that up!” I call back.

We skim along the water's surface, and I start to wonder what I was so worried about. I survived quuk'tanoi, and it seems whatever windsurfing skills got me through that aren't as rusty as I feared. As we near the first set of columns, a huge wave comes crashing through the area around us, forcing us toward the cliffs. In the water below us, I see a school of fish riding the powerful current, and follow their example.

“Let's give it all we got!” I call.

“What floats your boat floats my boat, Princess!”

We angle our sails back and surge along the cliffside. Carefully, we make our way through the jagged spurs of rock. It's not long before the final column comes into view. We plot a safe course and round the pillar smoothly, turning back toward the shore. We wind our way back through the colonnade, eyes on the prize. As we pass a rock outcropping, something heavy and black drops onto my sail.

“What the hell is...” I look up and hear myself yelp when I find a large black spider crawling down the sail fabric.

“Good gravy!” Jake exclaims. “Keep cool, Princess. He probably just wants a ride or something.”

“Well, he's weighing me down!” I reach up to grab the creature. “Get off my boat!”

To my unwelcome surprise, my fingers close around something metal. The spider's limbs are mechanical. Instead of a head, there's what can only a tiny camera. The moment I tighten my grip even slightly, I hear a crunch as the delicate machinery crumbles. I keep it clasped in my palm as I turn my attention back to my task. I won't throw it overboard now. It may be useful later. I lean my sail into the wind, gunning for the shore.

Finally, Jake and I glide smoothly onto the beach. At the other side of the cove, I notice a small crowd of Vaanti have gathered to watch us. Our friends cheer as we climb ashore.

“Damn!” Raj gushes. “You guys were like a couple of those walks-on-water lizards!”

I rush towards Malatesta, my heart knocking painfully against my ribs as I peer at the hourglass. I let out a shuddering breath.

“There's still sand running through it! We did it!”

Malatesta stares at the hourglass, his eyes wide with disbelief. “...No...”

Yvonne grins wickedly. “Oui.”

“No!” he bellows, violently kicking over the hourglass and sending sand flying. “No! No! You cheating little wench!”  

“I believe you mean Respectable Sea Captain, cheri. Now, say the words.”

“I won't!”

“Say them or I'll tell everyone from here to Tortuga--”

“Fine!” Malatesta grits his teeth, his hands curling into fists at his sides. “The Dorado...is yours.”

“Hahaaaaa!” Yvonne crows. She pulls off her hat and descends into a sweeping bow, grinning at us. “Make whatever preparations you need, amis! We depart at dusk!”

“Well, we won't sail on empty stomachs!” Raj declares. “Let me back at those oysters!” The others disperse slightly, but Varyyn and Diego hang behind with me as I pull my clothes back on.

“I guess we're gonna be a pirate crew,” Diego remarks, grinning. “Can't say I'm complaining!”

“If everything works out, maybe we'll find the others sooner this way.”

“Alodia, you have my deepest gratitude for solving this conflict peaceably,” Varyyn says. “I'll make sure my scouts know where we're headed.”

Diego shades his eyes, looking towards the sun, which is already sinking low on the horizon. “Gonna be another beautiful sunset.” He gasps. “Ohmygod, Allie! Have you been up into the hills yet? Varyyn showed me this spot where you can see for miles out to sea.”

He points to a secluded hilltop, thickly covered in soft, swaying grass. It looks inviting, even from where I am now.

“A very special place, that,” Varyyn says, nodding sagely. “The view of the sunset from there is...inspiring.”

Diego elbows me. “You should totally take a certain someone up there while we've got a couple hours to kill.”

“Especially if you would like them to fall in love with you,” Varyyn adds. I can't help myself. I burst out laughing.

“Geez, guys! Matchmaker much?”

Diego grins and comes up behind me, grabbing my upper arms and swaying with me while he sings, “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match!” On the last word, he shoves me gently towards Jake, who is at the water's edge, vigrously rubbing sand and saltwater out of his hair. Relenting, I walk over to him. My armor is still discarded on the beach, but I have a feeling I won't need it for a bit.

Coming up behind Jake, I cinch my arms around his waist and nuzzle his neck. He chuckles. “Hello to you, too, Princess.”

“So, there's a secluded hilltop over there, and a gorgeous sunset due very shortly. Care to join me?”

“Is, uh, clothing optional?”

“Might be. Wanna find out?” Jake turns in my embrace and laces his fingers together at the small of my back.

“Absolutely.”

Hand in hand, we make our way up the hill. When we reach a sharp incline, Jake leaps it deftly before offering me his hand with a playful smile.

“You remember the last time we went hiking together?” he asks. I take his hand.

“That feels like forever ago,” I reply as I hop over the incline.

“Time is so weird on this island, maybe it was.”

“I'm glad there's no rock climbing on this one, though. I have a feeling we'll need our energy for the top.” I wink coquettishly.

We reach the top within a few more minutes. I immediately feel the breath rush out of my body. The sky looks like the sort of sunset painters dream of. The impossibly beautiful palette of pastel pink and lush orange brushed with fingers of purple, the dramatic swirl of color around the sinking sun, look like something a film crew labored to create to set the perfect romantic mood, even knowing no one would be paying that much attention to the background. Meanwhile, the sea glistens in the bath of light, the water dark and sultry in contrast to the colors reflected on its undulating surface. I feel my throat tightening.

“Oh, god...I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life...”

“I was just thinking the same thing,” Jake murmurs. I turn to look at him and realize he's staring at me. I can't help laughing, and give him a playful swat.

“That was corny as hell, Top Gun.”

“Aww, you saying you don't like corn, Princess?”

“It's like when those ridiculous action movies try to shove a romance plot in at the end.”

“Hey!” he says indignantly. “Action movies are awesome!”

I grin. “...I like them, too,” I confess. He raises an eyebrow.

“Seriously?”

“Diego insists on watching Die Hard every Christmas. You could say I was indoctrinated.” The memory tugs at the corner of my mind, an image of Diego curled up on the sofa under a blanket, munching air-popped popcorn from plastic bowl while the movie flickers on the screen across the room...

“So Pop Culture Petey has some taste after all.”

“Yeah...”

We sit down together in the grass, and I nestle into Jake's side. He winds an arm around me as the wind picks up, trailing cool fingers over our faces. For a moment, I close my eyes, savoring the scent of the man beside me. Sweat and saltwater, notes of spicy-sweet cologne woven deep into the fibers of his green bomber jacket and lingering even though he probably hasn't reapplied the stuff since we landed on the island god-knows-how-long ago...

“So, what do you like about action movies?” he asks me. I open my eyes.

“The protagonists,” I answer promptly. “They always manage to keep it together even when the world around them is falling apart.”

“That must be why I like you.”

“What?”

“Feel like you just described yourself there, Princess.” I snort, elbowing him lightly.

“Flatterer.” I turn to him with a grin. “You know...I may well be pretty, but I think I would look even better kissing you. I mean, have you seen yourself?”

Jake grins back, bringing his other arm around me. “What's a pair of good-looking people on a romantic sunlit cliff to do?”

“I have a few ideas,” I reply, brushing a few strands of hair from his eyes. I close the distance between us, pressing my mouth to his. He kisses me back eagerly, hands slipping under my shirt. I'm glad I didn't put my armor back on immediately.

Since I fell from the chopper, Jake's horrified face has haunted me. Suddenly, all the tension I've built up since then, all the fear I've been forcing down since we've been separated just so I could stand a chance of keeping it together long enough to actually find him...all the wild relief and desire I've held back since I saw him again...everything...absolutely everything is bubbling up and threatening to consume me. He tugs at my clothes, his whole body quivering, and I know he's feeling the same.

“Princess...do you want to...?”

“Yes,” I whisper. “Right now.”

“Good.”

We pull desperately at each other's clothes, tearing them off as fast as our hands will move, and it isn't fast enough. Not for me. He laughs in my ear as I fumble with his belt.

“In a rush there, Princess?”

“Are you asking me to slow down?”

“Not a chance.”

He sheds the rest of his clothes and rolls on top of me, kissing me hungrily. Then, for just a moment, he breaks the kiss and pushes himself up on his elbows to look down at me. One hand strokes my face, brushing stray wisps of hair from my forehead.

“Alodia...”

“...Jake...” His hand drifts down my body towards my hips. I gasp, arching my back as his fingers find a sensitive spot and press in gently. I reach down to grasp his lower back, pulling his hips towards mine. He sinks into me easily, and we find our rhythm. It doesn't take long. We may have not known each other long...but all things considered, we have probably known each other for at least a thousand lifetimes. How many times have we fallen in love? Did it take longer before? Did it happen so quickly this time only because we already knew it was meant to be? Does any of that really matter, when I'm here and entwined in pleasure with the man I love? No. Fuck destiny. Fuck fate. Fuck La Huerta. Fuck the Endless. Right now, nothing matters except me and Jake, together in front of the sunset.

“Alodia...Alodia...I love you...”

“I love you, Jake...” My fingers curl into his flesh as I throw my head back, moaning with ecstacy, not caring who hears. Finally, satisfied and slick with sweat, Jake rolls off me, nuzzling close to me on the grass. The breeze has turned cooler, and as it passes over my sweat-soaked skin, I shiver. Jake smiles a little, grabbing his jacket and drawing it over me like a blanket. I smile, curling into him.

“...How 'bout that sunset, huh?”

“It's pretty great, Princess. But it's great because I get to share it with you.”

“What can I say? I have a great copilot. Really makes a difference.”

… I don't know why I said that. As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I know I've made a mistake. But the way Jake's expression suddenly alters frightens me. Suddenly, he's looking through me, his gaze distant and haunted. I raise a hand to stroke his cheek, trying not to tremble.

“Jake? You okay?” He shakes his head slightly, as if waking himself up. He clears his throat and sits up.

“We should...uh...we should go back...”

“Wait, what?”

He offers me a half-hearted smile. “Don't wanna climb down in the dark, right?” He starts to get up, but I catch his arm, pulling him back down.

“Jake, let me help you,” I plead softly. “I can't help you work through whatever's going on if you don't talk to me.” It's hypocritical as hell for me to be saying anything like that, but I'll let him scold me later if necessary. Right now, I only care about him. My grip on his arms tightens and he meets my gaze. His eyes start to water as his composure cracks. Finally, a strangled sob escapes him.

“I'm not good to my copilots, okay?!” he cries. “Everyone I care about's been hurt because of me! Whether I run or fight, something happens, and I...” He trails off, exhaling hard. He looks out over the water as if searching for answers from the sea. He picks up a fistful of dirt and grass and throws it over the cliffs edge. I stroke his back, gently.

“I'm here, Jake,” I murmur. “I'm right here.”

He lets his head fall into his hands. “...I love you, Alodia. I love you so much. I want to give you the best life I can. But when I think of everything I've had to do to survive the last few years, I just...” He tilts his head back, running his fingers through his hair. “You don't deserve to deal with that. To deal with me.”

He lowers his hands, looking back out over the water. I lay a hand on his shoulder and kiss his cheek.

“Hey. I think I get to decide what I deserve.” His eyes snap towards me. He looks uncertain. Skeptical. “We've been through more together than anyone else in this world could understand. By all accounts, we should be dead, insane, or both. But whenever things got tough, you were there. Whenever I didn't know what to do, you did. Given all we're facing, I can't think of anyone I'd rather have by my side.”

Jake stares at me for a long moment. Finally, I see the ghost of a real smile on his lips. He draws me close and kisses me gently, gratefully.

“You're somethin' else, you know that?”

“I try.” I look back out over the horizon, where the sun has almost entirely vanished. “We should probably get back. We'll be leaving for the ship soon.”

“Yeah. Don't want Blondbeard getting his panties in a twist.”

We gather our discarded clothes and start to pull them back on. Jake shrugs on his jacket, pausing a moment.

“Hey, Alodia...Thanks. I mean it.”

“Anytime, Jake. I mean it. ...I love you.”

“...Love you, too, Princess.”

* * *

Back on the beach, Raj has turned oysters, seaweed, and mango into stew with his usual skill and flair. We fill our bellies, and then Jake helps me put my armor back on. The moon is coming into view as we make our way onto a pair of rowboats bound for the galleon anchored in the harbor.

“Guess Frenchie and Cap'n Crunch are already aboard,” Jake muses.

Diego grins. “Hey, guys, think we'll get to release the kraken?”

“This time there'll be rum, right?” Raj asks. “I mean, there's gotta be...”

I chuckle, looking back towards the marketplace, where a large crowd has gathered around Gurgi's stall.

“Now Gurgi can not only boast that the elyyshar is his patron, but the Catalysts, too,” I remark. “Looks like he might be getting a little more than he bargained for.”

“May he do well with it,” Varyyn replies mildly.

As we reach the ship, a rope ladder is lowered for us, and we ascend it one at a time. At the top, I hop over the side and find myself on an ornately appointed deck. Yvonne waits to greet us.

“Welcome aboard The Dorado, mes amis! She is quite yar, non?”

“Lovely,” I agree, glancing around. “But...is it just us?”

“Just us and la femme mysterieuse.”

“...Who?”

“She means the witch,” Malatesta mutters, gesturing towards the prow of the ship. I turn to look, and I feel my heart stop.

A woman in jeans and a brown suede jacket stands at the prow of the ship, her back to me as she gazes out at the water. I can't see her face, but I don't need to. A long, copper-colored braid cascades over her shoulder, tumbling to her waist. I would know her anywhere. I speak her name, my voice coming out in a weak croak.

“...Quinn...?”

[dablesretrospective]

2007 - Free Emerald State - Volume 1

In 2007, the metal band I was in, Death Mullet, was dissolving and ending it's run, and although we never released any kind of official album, all four members: Cody Blackwell, Jake Garrett, and Alex Murray had been recording our own material separately for a little while, as well as together and mainly just sharing the songs with each other to make ourselves or our other friends laugh.  One day I got the idea that although our live band was gone, we still had quite a few of other project’s songs recorded, not only just Death Mullet songs, and that we should put out a CD that was a compilation of everything we had been doing in 2006 and 2007.  Then that idea graduated to starting a musical collective, and allow literally anyone who wanted to to play music on the album as well, it shouldn’t just be the four of us.  That idea didn't flesh out too well but we did have 3 more people chime in and contribute music to this project.  Once we reached about 70 minutes of material, I figured it was time to call it done and put it out as Free Emerald State - Volume 1. The name doesn't mean anything other then I’ve used the word "emerald" in a lot of my songs and just thought it sounded cool.  So technically this was the first album put out on Slackerpop Records, even though back then it was still called EES Records (which stands for Everything Else Sucks).  It's long, it's sprawling, it’s uneven, sometimes serious, pleasant and melodic, sometimes goofy, obnoxious and harsh, it spans about 10 different genres of music, sometimes the recording quality is decent, sometimes it's super lo-fi. This compilation is very much all over the place.

These songs were recorded both separately and together by 7 different people and most of it was recorded by me and what wasn’t was recorded by Jake.

This is the first “official” album that any of us were a part of. We had all been in Death Mullet and Jake was already playing with The Blueroots but this was the first real release that was available to the public for all of us. Personally, this compilation started it all for me. The cover art is my shadow and my cat Socks.  It's nowhere near my favorite album of mine, but it was my first and there are a few good songs on it that I still like, but also some pretty serious stinkers that make me cringe now. All in all it's a wacky disc and brings back great memories for me.

1.How To Pick Up Chicks (Live at Madison Square Garden) This is a Death Mullet song. The "crowd" was just a bunch of tracks of us screaming random things.

2.Dreaming of You This is one of the first Death Mullet songs performed entirely by Jake and Cody. Quite possibly the most famous song any of us have ever done.

3.Vodka Jam Me and Alex free form jamming after drinking tons of vodka.

4.Bong Song Another improv jam, but my cousin Kenny helped on the "sound effects"

5.The 5 Second Song This is me and Alex again, recorded on the same night as Vodka Jam.

6.Bleed This is one of Jake's solo songs from his "Cold Fusion" days. I love this song.

7.Wafflerap Number One This is from the session that spawned the Free Emerald State idea. Me, Jake, and Cody rapping. The title is a reference to our other jam band at the time, Mr. Waffle.

8.Jam #1 Another improv jam from Alex and myself.

9.Same Old Blues Me and Alex again. This time we actually wrote the music.

10.Kill Whitey This is from the final Death Mullet recording session from around early 2007.

11.Say Hello To My Little Skine This is an extremely lo-fi version of a song that eventually evolved into the Dables song “A Sweet, Satisfying Death”.  This one is me and Alex.

12.Livin' In A Dream This song is by me, when I was messing around with MusicMaker Pro+ and thinking I could make electronic beats or something. I grew out of that phase pretty quickly.

13.I'll Never See Myself in The Mirror With My Eyes Closed This is from an old Death Mullet session, from before Alex was in the band and Matt Spearman was our guitar player.

14.Fear of Drowning Another of Jake's solo songs from the Cold Fusion days.

15.Diamonds in Her Hair Another of Jake's solo songs.

16.Bodybag Darrell This is me and Alex making fun of Pantera even though we both love Pantera.

17.Cancer in My Dick This is me, Jake, and Cody. The lyrics were written on the spot, and I'm still kind of embarrassed of this one, this song really makes me cringe to listen to.

18.Honeydutches and Oats Quite possibly the funniest song on this album, this is Jake all by himself.

19.I Gotta Take A Shit I caught myself singing this one day and I went over to Cody's to have him and Jake help me record it and it came out great and hilarious.

20.Boobies Another drunken result from the recording session by me and Alex where we did Vodka Jam and The 5 Second Song.

21.Jam #2 Me, Jake, and Cody jamming as Mr. Waffle

22.Mary Had A Little Lamb (That I Punched) This was Alex's idea to do a metal version of Mary Had a Little Lamb. I sang on it.

23.Wafflerap Number Two More raps from me, Jake, & Cody. Nuff said.

24.Polka This was another of my computer-generated songs using MusicMaker Pro+ and took a really long time to do.

25.My Dog Jake From the first Death Mullet sessions with Matt.

26.Frosted Mullet-O's Also from the first Death Mullet session with Matt.

27.Untitled This was an electronic beat made on Fruity Loops by my friend Ashley Horton.

28.Sunshine in The Morning Another of Jake's solo songs. Some say this marks among the first of The Blueroots songs.

29.Outro Another from my Musicmaker Pro+ computer-generated beat making days. Contains possibly my favorite Bill Hicks line ever. One of my favorites from this album.

-------------------------------------

Released Fall 2007 (exact release date unknown)

Originally the first release on Slackerpop Records 2007, currently distributed by Over The Woods Productions since 2012

Contributors to Free Emerald State Volume 1: Cody Blackwell Jake Garrett Ashley Horton Alex Murray David Walker Matt Spearman Kenny Walker

Download this album for free at:

https://overthewoods.bandcamp.com/album/free-emerald-state-vol-1

[jake-guentzel-59]

Shoot your Shot Part 1 - Auston Matthews

Now this is my first imagine and don’t be mad if you actually like it because it doesn’t have a lot of Auston in it all. I want this to be a series if people actually like it  maybe like 4 or 5 parts? I feel like you need to get the main character first so most of this is about her. I’m working on part 2 and if this part has a good response I’ll post part 2 sometime tomorrow. Sorry again for the lack of Auston. Words: 1810 Warnings: Some cursing, mentions of some penguins players ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Finally being able to go a NHL game and watch your two favourite teams play is like a dream come true. The Penguins have always been your number one team but moving to Toronto has made you fall in love with the Maple Leafs. Auston Matthews may also have something to do with your new-found love for them. Moving to Toronto has been one of the best things that has ever happened to my family. My mom and dad got a pretty nasty divorce a couple of months ago. They never got along and were always fighting when they were together. He caught my mom cheating with his best friend. It broke his heart, I don’t think I've ever seen him so sad before. He ended up moving to Toronto after getting the job of Head of Peds Surgery at The Hospital for Sick Children and taking my 4-year-old sister Madeline with him. I stayed with my mom in Quebec to finish the last month of senior year with all my friends but the day after graduation, I hopped on a plane straight to Toronto. Me and my mom never got along, we would always be fighting and yelling at each other, so I couldn’t wait to get to Toronto. I had a great summer here, maybe even the best summer I've ever had. I met a lot of great people. A couple of days ago my dad saved the life of 6-year-old boy. He suffered from a brain injury. It was a very difficult surgery; about 5 hours long. They kept losing him and didn't think he was going to make it. But he was a fighter and pulled through. His father was so grateful that my dad was able to pull it off. Him and his son came to Toronto to see the Leafs game but they couldn’t go due to his sons' surgery so he offered, scratch that, he MADE my dad take the tickets for everything he did. My dad never really followed hockey, only watched games when I was watching them, so he gave me the tickets and I took a friend with me. She was a huge Leafs fan so she was ecstatic when I told her I was taking her.

 It was game day and I couldn’t be more excited. I thought about wearing my Geno jersey to support the Pens but I decided that wasn’t a good idea going to a Leafs home game. I decided on just wearing a blue shirt seeing as I didn’t own a Toronto jersey. I had a tough time trying to find something seeing as me and group of friends were going out afterwards to celebrate my 19th birthday. I wouldn't have time to go home and change after the game, so I was trying to find something that wasn’t too flashy to wear to the game but nothing to boring to wear to a club. Finally finding an appropriate outfit, I started doing my hair and makeup.   "Logan, can you come downstairs for a minute?" My dad yelled. "Yeah, I'll be down in just a second!" I replied, finishing up my makeup. Making my way down the stairs, I'm greeted at the bottom by my dad, Madeline and my best friend Kenzie. Dad holding a cake with lit candles, Madeline had some balloons and Kenzie was holding Madeline. All of them wearing birthday hats. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Logan, Happy birthday to you!" They all sang.   "Thank you guys so much!" I exclaimed, after blowing out the candles. "LOG, I made you a gift!" Madeline yelled excitedly squirming out of Kenzies arms. She went running into the living room and came running back out with a poorly wrapped gift that you could tell she did herself. After she handed it to me I opened it up to reveal a framed picture she painted of me and her. It had macaroni, feathers, pom-poms and way too much glitter.   "Thank you so much Mads, I'm gonna hang it on my wall so I can see it every day." I told her giving her a big hug. Madeline, or Mads as I call her, is only person I'm closer to than my dad. When she was born she had a heart defect and doctors didn’t think that she would survive. I knew the moment I first held her that I would do anything in the world just to protect her. "I'm glad you love it so much" She said. "I love it almost so much as I love you" I told her kissing her cheek. "Alright, time for my present" Dad said handing me a gift bag. I opened it up it find an Austin Matthews jersey. "I know you wanted to wear your Dino jer-"He started "Dad, its Geno" I corrected him laughing "Whatever or whoever it is, I know you wanted to wear his jersey but I also knew you secretly wanted to this guys jersey more, so I got Kenzie to help me out because I have no idea who any of this people are" He stated. "Thank you guys so much" I said giving them both hugs, "It's my second favourite present" I told them winking at Mads. "Well you never got my gift yet, just wait till we get the club after the game. I'm gonna get you fuc-… fudge, yeah I'm gonna get you fudge!" Kenzie corrected herself after my dad gave her a look because Mads was in the room. My dad was used to giving Kenzie this look. My best friend is very talkative, outgoing, and tends to say more curses than a grown man. My dad wasn't too sure of her the first time he met her but Mads just loved her. I met her my second day in Toronto at a small café. She works there as a barista and when I ordered my coffee, she wouldn’t shut up about how much she loved my make-up and that I had to do hers later that night because she had a 'hot date'. She wouldn't take no for an answer, so I needed up doing her make-up for her date. We talked and got to know each other very well. Later that night at about 1 or 2 in the morning, I got a text from her saying that because of my make-up skills, I helped her get the love her life and also the best sex of her life. They have been dating for about 3 months and they're hands down the cutest couple I've ever seen. Kenzie would have my back for anything. She's helped me through my parents' divorce and to get over my summer fling. I would be lost without her. "Well it's 7:30 now so you guys should be heading out now if you want to make it on time" Dad told us pushing us out the door. Kenzie decided on driving to the game, leaving the jeep there after the game and getting an Uber to the club. She wasn’t too worried about leaving the jeep there because it was her brothers and she didn’t care what happened to it. Her and her brother were nowhere as close as me and Mads. Also, according to her both of us needed to get very fucked up tonight because I didn't live in Toronto for her 19th so we had to make up for lost time. "I'm so excited for this game. Maybe you'll even catch a certain Mr. Matthews eye with your new jersey if the seats are close enough." She said wiggling her eyebrows "Where are we sitting anyways?" "Yes, I'm going to make him fall in love with me while I'm screaming at refs at all of their stupid calls but I believe were glass seats near the Toronto bench but I'm not sure, I don't know my way around the ACC that good yet" I stated. The rest of the 20-minute drive was just us screaming singing, very badly may I add, to our favourite songs. We finally made it to our seats just in time for warm up to start. Our seats were glass seats right next to the Leafs bench. Kenzie insisted that I had to sit in the seat closest to the bench because there's no way my future husband wasn't sitting on that bench. Ever since me and my summer fling broke things off, she has been trying to set me up with just about any guy that looked my way. She says I'm too pretty to just waste life away by myself but I'm perfectly fine without a boy. I don't think I need a guy so I'm not really out looking but I happen to stumble upon a good one I wouldn’t say no. "Oh my god there's Geno and Jake and Crosby, this is the best day ever!" I exclaimed to Kenzie "I think you might be at the wrong home game, like how are not excited over Marner, Matthews or Nylander. My god Logan you're wearing a Matthews jersey at least pay some attention to the Leafs." She said to me laughing. "Yeah yeah whatever, I guess you are right though. Matthews looks pretty damn good in person" I told her laughing as well, "These seats are amazing, I'm gonna have to go to the hospital and thank the guy who gave them to my dad. You know what, there's still 15 minutes left of warm up I'm gonna go get something for him and his son. I'll be back in a few minutes" I walked out to the concession stand area. They were selling everything Toronto out there. I picked them out some small things like a Toronto teddy bear, foam finger, and a bunch of other knick knacks. Remembering how the dad was saying he was going to buy his son a jersey at the game to surprise him, I even picked up a small jersey for the little boy. Making it back to my seat with 5 minutes left of warm up. "Good your back, now I really think you should shoot your shot with Matthews and if that doesn’t work try Nylander. Now I know Matthews has a reputation of sleeping around a lot but I think you could tame hi-" Kenzie started before she was interrupted by a puck hitting the glass. "Jesus Christ!" I screamed while jumping. I was too busy listening to Kenzies’ 'plan' that it scared me more than it should have. "Who did that?' I asked as we both searched the ice to find the source. "I believe it was your future husband" She said as she pointed towards the ice. I followed her finger to Marner laughing and Matthews waving at us. "I guess he's shooting his shot first" I said waving back to him.  

[cashmierathoughts]

Riley ‘Nem pt 10 Brian, 808′s & </3

I’d spent the night at Jake’s new start up after our date. We were curled up on his pull out when I was awakened by my church alarm blasting Marvin Sapp’s “He Saw The Best In Me”. All things aside, Jake certainly had gotten the best of me last night.

I looked to the left of me to see if my alarm had startled him but he was still sound asleep. Knocked out cold. Ha! Works every time.

I lie there contemplating whether or not I’d get up and go to church. It was a part of my weekly routine and I wasn’t worth shit without my routine. Ugh… I really didn’t want to go but after all that we did last night, I needed communion, two baptisms, and an alter call to wash my sins away.

Jake looked so peaceful; I didn’t want to wake him, plus I kind of wanted him to “wake up first” so he could see how pretty I slept and I couldn’t rob him of that sight, so I closed my eyes and angled my body towards his groin as I pretended to rest. About seven minutes into faking it, I remembered why I dropped theater in high school; I couldn’t fucking act. So I rolled over and gently kissed his neck then got up to search for my things. One shoe by the door, the other under the bed, and my gown tossed across the ottoman. I was frantically looking for my panties when I realized I hadn’t worn any the night before. It must’ve been me knocking over the brass wastebasket that had woken him up because as I was midway pulling my dress up over my butt, I heard Jake intentionally clear his throat.

J: “Well good morning”, he said through a half yawn and stretch. Unintentionally flexing his muscles as he sat up.

R: “Good morning!” I beamed.

J: “Were you sneaking out?”

R: “Sneaking? No. I didn’t want to break your sleep, but I gotta go to church… it’s kind of a part of my routine”.

J: “Ah…okay. Well, I was going to invite you to breakfast at least… it’s the least I could do.”

R: “The least? Ha, You’ve done more than enough but I am kind of hungry. Where did you want to go?”

J: “You ever been to Mama Joanne’s?”

R: “On 18th and Beaumont?”

J: “Yea, that’s the one. You like it?”

Shit. Keesha’s mama, aka my Aunt B’s nosey ass was co-owner of that place and worked every other Sunday and I’m praying this is her week off. Sometimes she’d ask Keesh to help out but she hardly ever would. She was the last person I wanted to run into. But I really didn’t have any other recommendations at the time, so I opted to be agreeable.

R: “Yea, I do... I feel a little overdressed though”, I admitted while still in the middle of pulling on my dress.

He chuckled and offered me some sweats and a Howard pullover that was twice my size. Great. Now I really looked like I just got fucked the night before.

As expected, the restaurant was packed. Nowhere to park and usually that would be my reason to leave, but Jake’s driver gave us the curbside treatment so there was no backing out now. The double doors were packed and customers were spilling out of the entrance and onto the sidewalk. I thought for sure that the crowd of hungry individuals waiting would defer Jake. Then out of nowhere, just as we were nearing the back of the line, I hear my name being called from the distance.

“Riley! Riley!”

I searched the swarm of people for a familiar face, but I didn’t see anyone I knew, so I kept my place and didn’t mention it to Jake.

They let in a party of five and about nine guests had exited, moving us up on the list. A few moments later and we were no longer waiting curbside; we leveled up to the foyer with about twelve equally hungry black folks. That’s when I heard it again.

“Riley!”

This time it was loud and precise enough for both Jake and I to discern. Our heads turned to the right at the same time to find Keesha in an apron waving for us to come towards the front.

K: “Hey, cuz!” She said as she gave me a sly smile and sized Jake up and down.

R: “Hey, Keesha”, I returned, less enthusiastic than her greeting. “This is Jake --”

K: “Of course it is…” She responded with stars in her eyes. “I remember.”

J: “Nice to meet you, Keesha”, Jake replied with a little burrow in his brow as he studied her face as if he were trying to remember her.

K: “I didn’t see y’all’s names on the list. Did you call mama and have her put you on the list?”

R: “Nope. I didn’t even think to do that.” I could feel Jake’s stare.

K: “Well, I got y’all. C’mon, our usual booth is about to get wiped down.”

R: “Thanks.”

We headed over to a comfy corner booth and sat down while Keesha went over the table again with a damp cloth.

K: “Y’all want some mimosas while you wait? Riley, I already know you want the usual.”

J: “The usual?” Jake innocently questioned.

R: “Oh yea, I’ve been here a few times before.”

K: “A few times?” Keesha interrupted as she came around the corner with a carafe of liquids. She collected my menu and poured us way more champagne than orange juice.  

There was an awkward silence that didn’t last more than a few seconds, followed by me giving Keesha a stare that told her to scram. It wasn’t like it was a huge secret or anything. I just didn’t like my family all up in my business. I was under constant scrutiny when the whole Brian thing blew up in my face and I just wanted to be more careful this time with whom I was dating. Once she left, Jake and I made small talk about the menu, the neighborhood, and other random shit that I couldn’t even concentrate on because every time his lips parted to speak, all I could see were those same lips caressing and tracing my body parts. I hope I don’t sound ridiculous but that might’ve been the best sex I’d ever had. “Fuck that pillow, I wanna hear you”, he would say as he deepened both his stroke and the arch in my back. I’d had good sex before, hell, I’d had great sex before; but none like this. It was like he was trying to torture and please me at the same time and when the torture was too much, I’d beg for pleasure and when the pleasure was excruciating, I’d want torture. My mind and body were all over the place. That night, my mind and body belonged to him and he had my whole world in his hands.

Our food came out pretty fast. I ordered my usual salmon patties and breakfast potatoes and Jake ordered the steak and eggs. Oddly enough, he ordered his eggs sunny side up and when our server slid his plate over to him, the yolks on the eggs trembled and shook reminding me of how my breasts were bouncing the night before.

What the fuck was wrong with me! Why did my mind keep trailing off to sex with him? I felt like a complete nymph.

I really needed to go to church. It was almost eleven when we left breakfast and there was another sermon going on at twelve that I was desperate to make.

Jake’s driver dropped me off at my apartment and before I got out of the backseat, Jake pressed his lips against mine and made me promise to call him after church to fill him in on the word.

I rushed to the fifth floor and into my shared apartment with Jordyn, neglecting to give her a proper greeting. I was too focused on getting in and out the shower as quickly as possible and make it to church by the time praise and worship was over. Once I was out, I turned on my gospel playlist as I strategically only put lotion on the parts of my body that the congregation would see. Hell, I didn’t have time to do my shea butter baby moisturizing routine. I slipped on a lilac pencil skirt and floral print shirt, grabbed my pumps, and headed for the door in my flip-flops.

“Bye Jordynnn!” I said as I scurried out the front door, half tripping over our stupid doormat.

I gotta get rid of that thing.    

I got to church right after praise and worship ended and just before the pastor and deacon board was about to start first Sunday baby dedications. I had forgotten all about that. Had I remembered, I could have made time to put lotion on my heels.

New parents flocked to the alter with their young like a herd of sheep flocking towards their shepherd. I watched as they all gathered down at the front to receive their blessings. As I was taking account of the members at the front, the shape of one of the father’s head looked painfully familiar. I squinted and tried to peer harder, tried to see if he would turn his head away for a split second so that I could make out his profile… and once he did, I felt my knees buckle and I eased back into my seat, unable to stand the sight.

It was Brian. What were the fucking odds– excuse me God – how the fu—dgeee. Fuck.

I hadn’t seen or talked to him in almost over year. The last time we’d talked, he half-assed confessed to having a baby on the way with another woman and everything he said to me afterwards went in one ear and out the other. All I could hear was a high-pitched ringing in my ears. He tried to say that she was lying and he was only telling me before she could because he wanted to be honest with me; all the shit people who lie for a living say.

And like a dumb ass, I chose to believe him. Believed that the other woman was lying. But to be completely honest, it was less about her being a liar and more about me not wanting to believe that what I’d been doing, who I’d been loving, was the lie.

The woman ended up being a fresh college graduate who tutored at Keesha’s school, which made things even worse because now, Keesha would potentially find out that the “happy” relationship that I had been flaunting was a fugazi. All it was going to take was for her to stumble across mine or Keesha’s Instagram and link us together.

Sure enough, that’s how it all went down.

Keesha called me in the middle of my workday, spouting off about how some young Asian girl at her job was asking about Brian and me. Saying that she’d met him at Nappyhead’s, OUR gym, and that they’d been together for two months. I tried to deflect and counter all of homegirl’s claims but it got to a point where I was talking myself in circles and started to sound like a broken record. I rushed Keesh off the phone, telling her that I had pressing work stuff to tend to and promised to call her back.

I had no intentions on calling her back and discussing my relationship with her. I always kept my relationship troubles to myself until I could figure out a best plan of action. Involving other people always made things messy and more complicated than they needed to be. Too many opinions; too many people with their own biases and heartbreaks weighing in on what I had going on. So I kept quiet and put my phone on automatic DND starting at 4:30pm every day for that next week. And like clockwork, Keesha was calling and texting every other day to see where my head was at.

Meanwhile, I confronted Brian about the new developments that had been dropped in my lap. Prior to us actually sitting down and me bringing this up, I had been trying to play it cool via text and phone calls. I couldn’t let him know what I knew, how I knew it, or how pissed or hurt I was; otherwise, I would have never gotten a face to face. That’s just how men were. If they knew you were upset, they’d rather avoid you than actually sit down and let you express and say what you needed to say, let alone actually get some sort of meaningful response from them. I refused to text this man paragraph on paragraph, only for him to respond to the parts he wanted to. That shit was infuriating.

R: “…AT KEESHA’S FUCKING SCHOOL, BRIAN?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, NIGGA!”

B: “Riley, she’s lying! I didn’t touch that girl! She wanted me!”

R: “Oh so you DO know her? I thought you didn’t even know who she was?”

And with that, I was done talking to him. I put him out of my crib, and blocked his black ass. I called Ricky over that night and got high as I could. We watched reruns of Hey Arnold and talked about how much of a stand up guy he was. A pillar in the community and was only in middle school. We loved that show growing up. On the lowest of keys, Arnold lived in the hood and that’s what made him so likeable. We were watching the episode where Helga wasn’t invited to Rhonda’s sleepover because she wasn’t “girly” enough and all the guys were teasing her about it so she slapped on a pound of makeup, plucked her unibrow, and traded in her kicks for a pair of shoes she couldn’t even walk in, all to prove to everyone that she could conform. I’m sure young feminists all over the world were throwing up in their mouths when they first saw that.

Ricky: “So you gone tell me why you had me come over here and smoke you out late night… on a school night?”

Riley: I tried to laugh him off, “A school night? What are we, twelve?”

Ricky: “Nigga don’t change the subject.”

Riley: “Aside from me just wanting to see my favorite brotherrr…” I paused then I sighed, “Brian got a baby on the way.” I tried to rush out the sentence as fast as I could, then took another drag of the wood.

Ricky sat up, eyes wide, and said, “Nigga, WHAT!”

Riley: “You look like that Jerry meme, from Tom and Jerry”; I tried to laugh it off.

Ricky: “Don’t do that, Riley. Don’t pretend like you ain't fucked up behind this shit.”

He fucking knew me like the back of his own hand.

Riley: “Yup. You heard it here first, straight from the horses’ mouth. Got some young Asian chick that goes to our gym AND works at Keesh’s school pregnant. Lied about it too, but I know she isn’t lying”, I said as my head sort of sunk down and my eyes began to well up.

Ricky: “So what you gone do, Ry?” His words trailed off and when I found myself back in present time, the families and their babies had returned to their seats and the pastor had taken his place at the podium.

Ultimately, I tried to give Brian every excuse, every benefit of the doubt, every way out; but the facts were the facts. He was lying and I could feel it. I could feel it when that nigga woke up in the morning and I could feel it when we were losing our connection too. I never had any contact with the mystery girl but I had heard through the grapevine that once it was out that Brian and I were no longer together, he had a kid on the way.

I don’t know what hurt more about that whole situation; the fact that for sixty plus days, this man was lying to my face and going behind my back, or the fact that he cheated on me with someone who was nothing like me. In shape, size, color. Like at what point did he realize that I wasn’t what he wanted anymore? At what point was I no longer enough? Did it not work because I wasn’t what he wanted or did he change what he wanted because of what I am? The questions were endless and I’d be lying if I said that the fact that he preferred someone “foreign” didn’t sting. But at this point, what black man in America didn’t?

I was gathering my things to pay my tithes and leave early, and as I was walking out to the lobby of the church, there he was, rocking a screaming baby back and forth in his arms trying to pacify it. He looked at me, I at him. Then, I just kept walking.