#numbbums

[impossiblewitchpersona-blog]

Mediaeval History in a Parallel Universe

Little is known about the early life of Prince Nookie, son of King Baldie, of whom even less is known. It is believed that the chroniclers of the day found him too boring to be of interest, as the following reference in the ‘Byg Booke of Borynge Basterds’ by Dweorbert (d. 1323) shows:

“None to write aboute King Baldye the Borynge, butan to seye thatte the gestes aette his feasts slepte whan thaette hys majeste tolde hem hys funny tales and so he ate alone. Nor was he ne good on hors in werre. He alwey fell off.”

This might explain why Prince Nookie, who became king in 1326, embarked on several projects that he hoped would leave indelible marks on the history of these isles.

King Nookie earned the epithet ‘Numbskull’ after the failure of one of his many schemes to improve the kingdom’s economy, i.e. by monopolizing the wealth of his domain. In June 1327, he called the Meeting of the Learned and decreed that the finest intellects of the realm must find ways of extracting gold from vegetables. His audience found it hard to keep a straight face. Ruddybert the Clever, who was present at the meeting, wrote:

“Generaciouns to come may wel think thaette the learned of oure day weron stupide, but know this: we neron stupide. Even the asses and the scheep knowe that none coude golde fram carrotte and coles (cabbages) obteyne.”

The Meeting of the Learned, however, concluded with a pledge that the first gold from “carrotte and coles” would be presented to the king within 30 days. Ruddybert the Clever later approached King Nookie and tactfully informed him that the task that he had set was scientifically impossible. Half-an-hour later, Ruddybert’s head was on a spike outside the king’s palace.

The 30-day deadline passed and no gold was forthcoming. Nookie ordered the slaughter of the finest intellects of the kingdom.

In 1329, Nookie felt that his kingdom was threatened by the emerging power of the Moorish empire to the south. He raised an army of 30,000 and marched on Cordoba. The Emir of Cordoba granted King Nookie an audience, during which coffee was served. Nookie, a mead drinker, demanded that he be served his favourite beverage. The emir apologized for not having mead on the grounds that his religion forbade alcohol. Nookie flew into a rage and drew his sword. He swore he would conquer Spain single-handed if he had to. The emir hastened to tell his guest that Spain had been conquered by the Moors in 711 AD. On hearing this, Nookie said: “Oh, shytte! We had better go back home then.” On the homeward journey, he died of a mysterious disease, probably contracted from one of the camp followers. His physician reported a few days before the king’s death that Nookie’s urine was blue.

After Nookie I’s funeral in 1330, his daughter Numbbum became the kingdom’s first queen regnant. She inherited her father’s epithet, ‘Numbskull’, not only because of the alliteration and assonance, but also because she was plain stupid.

Soon after she acceded to her regal duties, one of her ministers submitted a complaint against a Jew who had allegedly looked at him “in a funny way”. At that time, the Jewish community co-existed peacefully with the natives in the market towns and in the capital. They had caused no one any trouble. Nor had they demanded preferential treatment under the law. Consequently, Queen Numbbum expelled the Jews, who fled to France and Scandinavia. The Queen was hailed throughout the land as a courageous person who had rid the kingdom of the “Hebrew presence”.

Her decree would have gone down in history as a success in the cause for racial purity, but a few months later, Queen Numbbum had unwittingly put her and her subjects in an awkward position. Rumour had it that in the south the Moors were amassing troops along the Pyrenees. The queen felt that she must act. She raised an army of 30,000 and, with the consent of the French King Baudouin the Sot, marched on the border with Spain. Nothing happened. The rumours, rumour had it, were false. However, Numbbum was told that her soldiers had not been paid for three months. She wrote to the capital asking for funds, but her chancellor of the exchequer replied that no money was to be had. Since the expulsion of the Jews, no money lenders were available.

Undeterred, the Queen and her champion rode to Cordoba and requested an audience with the emir. She asked if she could contact the local Jewry to raise some cash. When the emir inquired about the purpose of the funds, the queen’s champion flew into a rage, drew his sword and swore that he would conquer Spain single-handedly if he had to. The emir calmly reminded his guests that after the invasion in 711 AD, the Moors had conquered most of the country. On hearing this, the champion is reported to have said: “Oh, shyte! We’d better go home, then!”

In May 1332, Queen Numbbum issues a decree allowing the Jews to return to the kingdom, not because the community of the Hebrew persuasion were particularly popular, but because the kingdom was on the brink of bankruptcy. Meanwhile, the nobility led a life of idleness and self-indulgence. No one complained, since the archbishops had instructed the clergy at parish level that taxation was part of God’s plan. No one dared challenge the holy texts that were quoted in order to support this thesis. Consequently, the peasantry bore their burdens well until they heard the sermons of one of the monks of the order of St Severin the Subversive.

Seven uneventful years later, Queen Numbbum died and Steven the Saddo succeeded her. Steven was known for his lack of social skills. Every time his mother introduced him to a prospective wife, Steven would make no attempt to engage her in intelligent conversation. The court chronicler of the day offers the following insight:

“In the second year of the reign of our gracious Queen Numbbum, the daughter of the French king was brought to court. The Queen forbade her son from thrusting himself upon the poor wee creature. The Queen told her son to take Genevieve out for a nice meal at a Far Eastern eating place – the one next to the strippe clubbe that opened last month. Steven did as he was told, but on the return to the palace, he tried to ravish her in the middle of the street.”

Nothing could cure Steven of his priapic lust.

In the spring of 1340, news of a military build-up in France reached the king. Steven decreed that the Jews could return to the kingdom provided that they paid an annual tax of 500 groats, abstain from fish, go shopping only on Wednesdays and wear only the colour green. An advisor reminded the king that Queen Numbbum had allowed the Jews to return a few years before. The advisor’s head ended up on a spike on the palace gate.

Steven raised an army of 30,000 and marched to Cordoba. He intended to ask for an alliance against France, not because he was afraid of the French, but because he did not like them or their recipes for horse burgers. Besides, the king of France was still rather angry over Steven’s treatment of his daughter. However, the emir of Cordoba hesitated and later declared that he would not enter an alliance against France.

Steven turned purple with rage. Brandishing his sword, he swore he would conquer Spain single-handedly if he had to. The emir told him to “piss off”.

“In that case,” Steven replied, “I’d better go back home, then.”

Crestfallen, Steven sank into a depression on the way home. One night he drank himself silly and was crushed by a bullock cart.

Meanwhile, back in the kingdom, the monks of St Severin the Subversive had gathered a huge following among the peasants. On learning of Steven’s death in Spain, the monks seized the opportunity to install Prince Drainwater, the issue of one of the many illicit relationships of King Steven, as monarch. As a teenager, Drainwater had renounced all pleasures of the flesh and vowed to transform the kingdom into a theocracy. He drew up a kind of constitution which stipulated compulsory church attendance five days a week and a ban on alcohol. If Drainwater had been made king, he would have expelled the Jews, rendering the kingdom a pauper state. However, Herbert the Hopeless, the rightful heir to the throne, with the assistance of the Duke of Mean and his army of assassins, killed the monks of St Severin the Subversive, torched their monasteries and confiscated their wealth, which eased some of the pressure on the Jews.

King Herbert preferred fishing to statesmanship, but the kingdom was in crisis when the king and his court had over-fished every lake and river in the realm, leaving nothing for the peasants. Revolt was in the air. The Duke of Mean saw his chance to declare Herbert incompetent to rule and seize the throne.

While Herbert was sitting by a pond catching tadpoles, he was approached by his daughter Gertrude the Gormless, who suggested they ask the Emir of Cordoba for help to save their dynasty. Herbert prepared a jar of water with three of “the finest tadpoles in the land” as a gift for the emir and sent Hilda to Spain.

For the Emir of Cordoba, this visit was the last straw. The court chronicler, Alonso de Maravedi wrote:

“When his Majesty spied Gertrude the Gormless with the tadpoles, he asked what was wrong with her native land. He shouted that he was fed up with their ridiculous petitions and told Gertrude to bog off. Gertrude became mighty angry and drew the sword of one of her retinue. She swore on the lives of the tadpoles that she would conquer Spain… She never finished her speech because of the Emir’s palace guard had run her through.”

The Emir and his army rushed to kingdom and installed the Duke of Mean as ruler, and threatened anyone who dared approach him for favours and with stupid requests that he would crown Hilda’s son, Andrew the Anorak.

An anonymous observer at the time wrote:

“On hearing these words, men of high and low birth trembled withal, saying with one voice: Not those silly sods again, we beseech thee, O munificent Emir.”           

[teamtt-blog1]

It's more fun in the Philippines!

Cebu & Negros islands, 29 December 2016-4 January 2017

We left idyllic Busuanga and finally ended up in Cebu via Manila a day later, Cebu is an island to the east of Busuanga.  Here we were picking up a comfortable 400cc motor bike with saddle bags for our luggage in order to commence our week long road trip down through the south of Cebu and across to neighbouring Negros.  However, we encountered our first problem, the guy that was hiring us the bike wouldn’t let us take it without leaving our passports and our passports were in Manila in order to get our visas extended! Oops.  This meant that the only bike we could hire from anyone…was a 125cc scooter!   

Team TT loaded up and ready to go!

#overloaded #sorearses

We began our 230 mile road trip…

We enjoyed cruising, well maybe cruising isn’t the right word (!), through the winding roads of south Cebu enjoying the landscape of rice paddies, beaches fringed with palm trees and small villages where children would run to the road and wave furiously at us, screaming hello in excitement.  We really did feel like celebs, apart from the numb bums and the three punctures we encountered along the way! 

We caught a ferry to neighbouring Negros, with Dan pushing the bike on board as we had yet another puncture.  We managed to get it fixed in a local garage near to the port on Negros island.  Whilst waiting for our bike to be fixed we unfortunately saw an accident where a man got knocked off his bike by a passing pick-up truck and looked to have badly broken his leg.  The poor man had to wait by his bike in the middle of the road where the accident occurred until the police arrived on the scene, the Filippino way! With buses, coaches, bikes and whatever else trying to pass and carry on with their journeys.  After some commotion the police arrived simply moving the remains of the bike to the side and everyone continued their day. 

We were soon on the road with the scooter having two inflated tyres, result, and headed towards our destination, Dauin via Dumaguete.   After only being on the road a short while we were overtaking a small truck and a stray dog that didn’t look in the best shape, slowly meandered across the road.  The truck didn’t sound its horn, it just ploughed into the dog, the sound of the dog being flattened went through us :-(

What a eventful journey… Only in the Philippines!

Thankfully we soon arrived unscathed in Dumaguete, the capital city of Negros island with a cosmopolitan harbourfront promenade which has a lot of Spanish influence and there we had a well earned drink! 

We stayed in Dauin for a few days, a small town to the south of Dumaguete, at a dive resort called Bongo Bongo Divers.  We enjoyed some great muck diving on their house reef, visited the nearby Apo Island and enjoyed celebrating New Year’s on the beach.

We visited Moalboal on route back to Cebu and stopped here to dive the famous Sardine Run.  This is a shore dive so you can simply walk out and swim 20-30 metres where the reef wall drops dramatically to around 70 metres and it is here you can see the huge clouds of sardines spanning the whole coastline.  There are many millions of these glittery fish swarming in one direction only to suddenly dart in another, creating different shapes and forms, it really was breathtaking.

Below is a video of our experience, we hope you enjoy.

We made it safely back to Cebu where we were meeting our first visitor, Lisa and heading to yet another island, Siargao. 

Stay tuned!

Lots of love

Team TT

xxx

[chloem86]

anyone who says they love Erg work isn't doing it right!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #rowing #love #hate #ergs #CantFeelMyLegs #NumbBum #progression #Fitness

[ijustcantbestopped]

Apologies, first of many

In mid-March, early stages of the quarantine, I was trapped, again, in the health care system. My MS had flared for the first time in 10 years - my legs and seat (#numbbum) felt numb. It was the most unsettling feeling because it was both of my full legs and feet, as well as my seat area.  I walked around and prayed that my pants didn’t fall down or that i hadn’t wet myself.  Not great. 

I met with my neurologist, whom i LOVE, and she said it was time to start up what we call in MS Land, a disease modifying therapy (read: strong ass meds).  I had been using a different course of meds to secondarily treat my MS and that clearly wasn’t working any longer.  Enter in the fight to start a medication called, Ocrevus. 

Ocrevus is an infusion given over the. course of 5-6 hours once every 6 months.  The level of how IDEAL this was for me cannot go unnoticed.  The ease of my daily life would be so nice - no pills to take, nothing.  Just infuse every 6 months, like a nice tea.  Major down side - this med is EXPENSIVE.  Like it costs more than i make in a year.  

I knew from previous experience trying to get these types of meds that befriending the drug company is a wise choice, especially when saddled with shitty employer health care.  I had managed to get my other medications covered, a hand surgery covered, but this medication was going to be the most uphill of the uphill battles.  Especially since my health insurance is not actually a health insurance, but a claim watcher.  I’m not getting in to that right now because the point of this story is that one day during the early days of working from home due to a COVID-19 quarantine lockdown, i was one the phone with the rep from the health insurance company who said she was making it her day’s mission to get me started on this treatment.  There was these layers of complications that didn’t actually need to be so complicated - in the network, out of the network, i called her and she didn’t call me back, they never called me, i need this form to be signed, etc etc etc at one point they wanted me to submit my tax return to this other company to prove my financial need (i was like um, NOOOO? i have already secured my financial asisstance through the drug company i don’t understand why i need to submit my tax return?).  

This women asked me point blank:

“Hannah, I am so sorry this is happening to you, what can i do to make this easier”

and i said:

“Your company could approve this treatment.”

and she made some frustrating noises and then said:

“It isn’t us.  We are trying our best but this medication is very expensive and we are trying to keep the costs down for your colleagues.  We need to find a way to get this treatment cost down.  You have a very expensive medical condition-”

I interupted her because i had started to cry and i said,

“I’m sorry i have multiple sclerosis.  There is not a cure and I am sorry that i have this expensive illness.  I don’t want to make health care more expensive for my colleagues...I’m just really sorry but I need that treatment.”

She immediately tried to backpedal her statement and then she raised her voice:

“Hannah, you know that wasn’t what I meant, Oh gosh, you KNOW that.”

and then i don’t really remember what else i said but shortly thereafter we both were yelling at each other and then i hung up the phone.  

I apologized for having multiple sclerosis.  and that makes me so sad to think about.  

However, i did eventually win my fight and got my drug for free from the drug company.  take THAT health insurance.

[mummycrafts]

So, i have finally published my blog! I’d be so grateful if you could check it out =)

[sadbuttrue]

75% complete! #nearlythere #numbbum (at Brocton, Staffordshire)

[lisajaynemurray]

Still smiling after a 25km bike ride with all the Grade 5’s around the bay. #melbournelife #bayside #playdate #bikeriding #numbbum #shocktothesystem (at Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)

[sidramonster]

Band concert at Pioneer Courthouse Square

[thelovelettersmusic]

Off to @applespearsbar with @gavinhammond and @russell_swallow 👏🏻. . . #summerdaze ? #rainydays #gig #theloveletters #alternativerock #bassist #guitar #pedalpower #dream #dreamy #shoegaze #friends #love #fun #squashed #numbbum #summerfun #producer #producers #music