#oh to be (sometimes fakely) drugged and gay and trans

[sadberrystuff]

"you were drugged into submission too? how so? mine was by coffee" said Aziraphale.

"yeah, mine was by tea, but I faked it," said Raine Whispers.

"my boyfriend and I tripped balls and then he died," said Peter Nureyev.

"what"

"what"

[secretgamergirl]

Hate Mobs Gotta Go

Last night, I did something I have never expected to do, and just full on gave up on a fun RPG writing assignment. Which I had to do because I hit a point where it was so overdue and unfinished that I was falling asleep sitting up and stress vomiting and other such things. There’s a whole lot of factors behind that. Other health issues, the toll of being on total pandemic lockdown for months, with neighbors just straight up open mouth coughing at my door, emergencies with friends and family, multiple fires and hardware failures, but the main thing was, and still is, the constant harassment from a militant hate mob, completely out of touch with reality.

Years ago, I remember there was this thing the internet at large was fond of doing with foaming at the mouth far right religious extremists- Mercilessly ridiculing them in public to expose how disconnected everything they said or did was from reality. Remember seeing this one float around and laughing your head off?

And if I mention the Westboro Baptist Church, you immediately picture a single family of raving bigots picketing funerals and such with their big homophobic signs, with a bigger crowd mocking them, right?

For some reason, the modern version of that particular flavor of fringe weirdo doesn’t get that sort of ridicule. Presumably because they’re focusing almost exclusively on trans people, and most people have this weird thing where like if you stick up for trans people you get cooties or something and never dig into the real juicy ridicule fodder. But for real, this stuff is OUT THERE. Just look at a few examples here.

Come for the weird ravings about harvesting baby organs. Stay for the... adult woman who apparently believes breasts get their shape from actually being sacks filled with milk under women’s skin? Now, how about this colorful comparison?

For anyone who wasn’t aware, pronouns are words like “I” “you” “he” “she” “it” and “this,” while rohypnol is colloquially known as “the date rape drug,” so this is utter gibberish. The full context of course is that this person is trying to make the argument that forcing this bigot to refer to women she’s prejudiced against as “she” instead of arbitrarily tossing around “he” or “it” is... raping her brain, I guess?

So... this is pretty clearly some creep’s weird little fantasy. The obvious giveaway is pretending that trans women “aren’t in the correct bathroom” when going to... the correct bathroom, and that the non-existent law about this is somehow enforced by... random bigots opting to deputize themselves. What DOES happen for real though is bigots like this being arrested for barging into public restroom stalls with camcorders aimed at the crotches of women on toilets and trying to defend themselves by insisting they have some duty to check what their genitals look like. On which note...

That’s just disgusting. It’s also as close as I feel comfortable to posting all the graphic fantasies I see from these people about the barbaric genital mutilation they imagine trans women subject ourselves to which really has no basis at all in reality. Well maybe I can post this one.

I’m not going to go through and itemize all the baldfaced lies in that, because I really kinda hope I don’t have to, and also because the person who slapped this together was kind enough to break it up in such a way that I legitimately can say “every single line of this is a completely baseless lie.” Also the art in the corner is stolen from a child-friendly comic whose author is trans, so, that’s extra slimy. Also wow that “bone scans” bit is actually one I’ve never seen. Where the hell do they even get these ideas?

Also this one needs some setup. If you have time, this right here is a freaking journey, if not, I’ll try to summarize.

So a while ago, this one particular unhinged bigot decided the most productive way to spend all her time was to get in touch with a bulk sticker printing business and order thousands if not millions of these weird gross poorly framed slabs with a really crude drawing of a penis and bunch of gibberish she really wishes were the names of popular twitter hashtags that nobody else but her ever uses. And then after receiving these, just... wandering around the city she lives in all day every day plastering them on phone booths and power poles and the mirrors of bathrooms in like.. elementary schools and park benches, just everywhere. And then makes multiple passes a day apparently to make sure nobody has tried to remove any of them, as detailed in this amazing thread I’ll link again.

So the latest break in that particular saga is that same zealot going around plastering stickers like this around too, to make it seem like “both sides do it.”

It should be obvious that that’s a “blacks rule!” sort of fake between the baffling text and using the extra inclusive, particular emphasis on supporting people of color, general purpose LGBT+ flag, but also, like their fellows on 4chan, they plan this sort of “false flag” crap in broad daylight:

I should really properly credit the whistle-blowing on that particular oddity, and I should also note that aside from the breast milk sacks, this is all just stuff I saw TODAY catching up on my twitter feed, but my main point with all this is to illustrate that we really are dealing with Jack Chick/Westboro Baptist-level unhinged zealotry... but again, nobody’s out there pointing and laughing. And it turns out, when you don’t have people pointing and laughing at this sort of thing, you get people taking it seriously. So... when I went to quickly search for a news story to link with the bit about creeps barging in on women with cameras, the results I got were... this.

That... sure is a lot of stories about totally innocent people in a demographic I belong to being murdered by total strangers goaded into blind murderous hatred by the sort of people I’m pointing and laughing at! Ha ha! There’s a very real chance of that happening to me every time I step outside, for any reason! Tee hee! I live in a state of constant fear! Whoopsie!

And it’s not just stuff like that. The people posting these rambling tirades about “breast milk sack implants” and putting crude penis stickers everywhere, never being called out as the unhinged weirdos they are, either have the world turning a blind eye to all this crap, or have everything they do downplayed in the media to the point where outright sexual harassment, doxing, and slurs I don’t want to repeat get headlines like “so-and-so made comments that some fringe trans activists on the internet deem ‘possibly transphobic’” and that’s AT BEST. More often you get stuff like the one incident I managed to bring a lot of public attention to way back when, where some bigot just literally walked up to someone on the street, grabbed them, savagely beat the hell out of them until pulled apart, had friends film the whole thing, and bragged after the fact about it, and every story that appeared as a result claimed the assailant was the victim, because they were all written by her friends.

Face obscuring provided by me here, by the way.

And that isn’t a one-off incident. Because, see, most of these unhinged weirdos spewing out all this transphobic gibberish are not, as you would think, a bunch of barely educated Trump hat wearing members of some fringe religious congregation. They’re editors and producers in major British news outlets. This isn’t me shouting conspiracy nonsense either, this is well-documented. Like, The Guardian gets public internal protests over this crap. So does the BBC. Yes, other respected news sites cover this. Media watchdog groups do their best to reign this in with hearings and such, but, don’t actually have any power to enforce anything really. So when there’s “reporting” on this crap, it’s coming directly from the “breast milk sack implant” people. Oh and here’s some screenshots of the headlines of those stories you’re too lazy to click through and actually read:

And of course, sometimes when they want to really come across as respectful, they try to find “scientists” and “doctors” who back up their ravings but all they have to fall back on are disgraced quacks who spend most of their time on activism work to normalize pedophilia.

I’m not bringing that point about Cantor up to discredit his writings about trans people by the way. He doesn’t really HAVE any writings about trans people. He just pasted the names of a bunch of random studies from the 70s about whether playing with barbies makes you gay into his blog a few years back and this crowd was so desperate for validation they declared him an “expert in the field” and started passing out links to his.... pro-pedophila blog. Which is part of this whole pattern, but I’ve written about that before. Oh and the governments of multiple countries manage to treat all these people as “experts” and make policy decisions based on their ravings. That’s fun.

Anyway, aside from encouraging random people to, you know, just randomly murder anyone they see who looks like maybe a trans woman, every so often this weird little cult pulls in an actual celebrity who then has a public meltdown as they post all this gibberish to a wider audience. Currently this is going on with Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling (who’s actively promoting the pedophile guy up there on Twitter), and I think also William Shatner, but I haven’t really looked into it. The last big one though was Graham Linehan. Who you might remember from co-writing some sitcoms that were popular decades ago in Britain, or from being the weird cartoon villain who tried to kill the funding of a children’s charity, prompting this strange pledge drive marathon of Donkey Kong Country.

You might also know him as one of... I think honestly just two people who have ever managed to be such out of control stalking hate mongers that they were actually given a permanent no possible appeal ban from Twitter. Personally though I know him more as, you know, that one absolute creep who’s been obsessively stalking me for like 5 years and never shutting up about his weird personal obsession with me.

I WOULD link the recent freaking filmed interview he did where he spent forever rambling about me, but I’d have to actually watch it to confirm I had the right link, and also the only place I could quickly find a link to it would be on his twitter feed, which as stated, no longer exists. Oh and random side note there, despite being personally, by name, the person he was explicitly targeting all his hateful ramblings at, he wasn’t banned from that site for any of the disgusting stuff he said to me. He just slipped up and mentioned a cis woman with a professorship while shouting about this crap recently and that caused people to actually take action. I do so love being invisible.

Anyway, point is, prior to Rowling grabbing the baton from him as his social media presence went up in flames, this guy was name-dropping me a LOT. Presumably he still is, just in places fewer people see it. And when you have as big an audience as he did, and that audience is as full of hatemongers as his was, that has a pretty noticeable effect. I’ve been deluged with so much hateful garbage for so long it’s impossible for me to put any numbers on it. The closest I can do to quantify it is note that hate dump was big enough that I was also flooded with more weird messages intended as support from total strangers than I could deal with, totally losing access to social media feeds and my e-mail from the volume for a good bit, and THAT flood was big enough that I got this whole second wave of creepy stalkers who’d built up this whole weird fanon where this stalker here is like, someone I used to date or be business partners with and not just some creepy dude like twice my age stalking me over the internet, from a completely different hemisphere.

And I mean... in the broadest of strokes, I can kinda laugh all this off. Because... these people are completely ridiculous, out of touch with reality, and mostly live in other countries. But... all the threats and shouting are very real and very constant and like.. picture someone outside on the street shouting at your windows about how they’re going to break in and kill you. You really can’t ignore that. Even if they’re unarmed, and all they’re really capable of doing is shouting and pounding on your door, you can’t really just ignore that shouting and pounding and just watch a movie or play a game or write this article you promised would be done 3 months ago. You can certainly try, but a pretty big part of your brain is going to be occupied with thoughts about how maybe you should call someone to see if they’ll escort this violent person away, or maybe you should barricade your door in case all that pounding does something.

And I mean this isn’t a bad metaphor for how all the constant threats and stalking I’m dealing with thanks to celebrity bigots personally obsessed with me impacts my life, but it also does a pretty good job of describing how my night went pretty recently when I ACTUALLY DID HAVE SOMEONE POUNDING ON MY ACTUAL REAL PHYSICAL DOOR SHOUTING ABOUT STABBING ME TO DEATH, and no, there was no resolution to that beyond the sound of sirens causing that person to back off.

I also had an experience not too long ago where I was supposed to take a cab to a routine appointment, a car showed up with the cab company’s name on it, somewhat early, and proceeded to drive me... out to the middle of the freaking woods like an hour from where I live, and when my phone rang with my actual cab asking where I was the driver freaked out, had me get out of the car, and took off leaving me just... stuck in the middle of nowhere freezing to death and trying to find a landmark an actual cab could pick me up from. Still don’t know what the hell that whole thing was about and whether a cab driver just REALLY didn’t know what he was doing and panicked or what, but I do know that talking about it publicly in the vaguest of terms lead to a bunch of unhinged shouting from... apparently some unconnected ride share driver with a habit of dumping trans women between stops when they try to get medications or something, convinced I was calling him out for that.

So.... yeah. Things aren’t exactly going great in my neck of the woods. I’d really appreciate it if people would properly treat these unhinged violent weirdos like unhinged violent weirdos and not respectable members of society so they quit getting so bold and public with the violent stuff, and people who listen to them get properly shouted down for doing so.

[scarletwelly-boots]

Books Read 2020

I started off really good this year, what with quarantine and all. And then I got sidetracked by reading one hundred and forty-nine fanfics (and counting) (mostly Destiel; CW can kiss my ass). 

I read 30 books this year, which I thought was bad, but apparently I only read 24 last year, so not awful. I did the Popsugar reading challenge for the fifth year. There were 50 categories this year, so 60% isn’t too bad. So without further ado, let’s get started under the cut.

1. The Mermaid, The Witch, and the Sea, Maggie Tokuda-Hall (a book that’s published in 2020). This book, y’all. My god. It has it all: pirates, queer relationships, genderfluid characters, an intense plot. This book was so good. I definitely recommend this book. Pirates!!! And gay!

2. Somebody Told Me, by Mia Siegert (a book by a trans or nonbinary author). I don’t know how Siegert identifies, but I know they use they/them pronouns. This book was... okay but frustrating. A bigender teen, Aleks/Alexis, has a traumatic experience and moves in with their aunt and uncle, who is a newly converted Catholic priest. I liked the queer rep, but sometimes it felt like the author had these assumptions or prejudices about the Catholic church. Some of them were right, granted, and I’m not a practicing Catholic anymore so I don’t know why it pissed me off, but it bugged me anyway. So I guess if you don’t mind it seeming like the author did little to no research on Catholicism, then it’s a good book.

3. All the King’s Men, by Nora Sakavic (a bildungsroman). Who, me? Rereading my gay comfort trilogies during quarantine? It’s more likely than you think. Love the All for the Game trilogy. This is the third book in the series. It’s the best book in the trilogy. It is a series about a college sports team who play a made up sport called Exy, which is basically a more violent version of lacrosse. I’m not a huge sports fan, but the way she writes Exy matches had me on the edge of my seat. The team is made up of all “at-risk” students, the main character being a kid on the run from his mob boss dad. Trigger warning for the series for violence, sexual assault/rape, abuse, drug use, I may be missing some things. It was so good though.

4. Captive Prince, by C.S.Pacat (a book with a map). Back again with the gay comfort trilogies. This is the first book in the Captive Prince trilogy, and whoops, did I say love All For the Game? Love this series more. It’s awesome. It’s fantasy and gay and romantic. But the romance isn’t even the central part. Laurent is my favorite asshole. Damen is so sweet and sassy as fuck. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Seriously. I can’t do this series justice.

5. The Foxhole Court, by Nora Sakavic (a book recommended by your favorite blog, vlog, podcast, or online book club). First book in the All for the Game series. What are you still doing here? Go start this trilogy!

6. Ella Enchanted, by Gail Carson Levine (a book that passes the bechdel test). This is such a good book. It was one of my favorite books when I was a kid. It’s basically a retelling of Cinderella, and if you’ve seen the movie version with Anne Hathaway, the book is way, way better. 

7. Loki: The God Who Fell to Earth, by Oscar Basaldua (a book with the same title as a movie or TV show but is unrelated to it). God, I cannot WAIT for the Loki show. Anyway, this is a new comic about Loki (obviously). I love anything with my disaster wife in it, so 100% I recommend it. 

8. As Drowning Men Clutch at Straws, by EA Roisin (a book by an author with flora or fauna in their name). Okay, so. Roisin is an Irish name that means rose, and EA Roisin is my (unpublished) pen name. In my defense, the manuscript is 186 pages long and it felt like an accomplishment when I finally finished rereading it for the first time since I finished it in 2015. Do I recommend it? I’ll let you know if it ever gets published.

9. Red White and Royal Blue, by Casey McQuiston (a book that won an award in 2019). I’m still rereading this book. I got interrupted because my sister wanted to read it and then I got a new book for my birthday. But this is, far and away, my FAVORITE BOOK. It’s so beautiful. It was very romantic (once they stopped “hating” each other), and gay. The premise sounds far-fetched: First Son of the United States falls for the Crown Prince of England. But, guys, it’s soooo gooooood. Highly, highly, highly recommend. 

10. A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor, by Hank Green (a book with only words on the cover, no images or graphics). This is the sequel to An Absolutely Remarkable Thing. This was just as great as the first, but I spent a good chunk of the book vibrating with anxiety. The stakes were way higher, and I don’t think I’ve been scared while reading a book since reading Jade Green (Phyllis Reynolds Naylor) in junior high (which was fucking terrifying, btw). But I definitely recommend it!

11. Crush, by Richard Siken (a book with a pun in the title). Guys. I read this book almost every year, because it’s quick and gorgeous and the title is accurate because it absolutely crushes me. This is a collection of LGBT (more specifically, gay) poetry, and OH MY GOD. This is in my top five favorite books. I read it all the time. This is the book that made me fall in love with poetry, back in high school.

12. The Raven King, by Nora Sakavic (a book with a bird on the cover). The second book in the All for the Game series. Trigger warnings for All the King’s Men apply to this one, too. 

13. 1014: Brian Boru, by Morgan Llewelyn (a fiction or nonfiction book about a world leader). If you know me, you know I’m a complete Irish history nerd. This book is about a very important battle that took place in Ireland, and the last great High King of Ireland, Brian Boru. High Kings are mostly just an elected title, who get paid via taxes from provincial kings and chieftains, but Brian was the only one who saw as close to a united, free Ireland as it got until 1921 (although since the island is split between the North and the Republic, it’s still not totally unified). I recommend if you like history.

14. The Magnolia Sword, by Sherry Thomas (a book by a WOC). Oh. My. God. So this is a retelling of the ballad of Mulan. Mulan is a very important story to me anyway (tomboy as a child, genderfluid, bisexual as fuck), and this retelling was so good and interesting. It also features one of my favorite tropes, Surprise Gays. I highly, highly recommend.

15. My Own Ways Through This Life, by Chris Viau (a book with at least a four-star rating on Goodreads). Okay, so it miiiight have a four-star rating because of me and my camp family all rating it, but it counts. This is a mixed media autobiography by one of my camp friends. He has written at least three books, and all are available on Amazon. This is the only one I’ve read so far, and it was really interesting. I definitely recommend it. 

16. Insomniac City, by Bill Hayes (a book you meant to read in 2019). This book was beautiful and heartbreaking. It was a Christmas gift from my brother. It’s a memoir about Bill’s time in a relationship with Oliver Sacks, a famous neurologist. It’s sweet and melancholic and funny. Huge recommendation.

17. Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens’ Agenda, by Becky Albertalli (a book about or involving social media). Still such a wonderful book. Better than the movie, I’m telling you. It was really good, and I definitely cried. If you liked the movie, read the book. It’s different in several ways. I think if you’re thinking in terms of trueness to the book, the movie was maybe not as good, but they’re both good as their own standalone things. But I highly recommend both.

18. Loki: Agent of Asgard, by Jason Ewing (a book that has a book on the cover). This is such a good series. It’s a great characterization of my disaster wife.  I love this graphic novel series. I love how they depict Loki, how he finally gets a goddamn redemption arc. It’s a really fun read. Check it out.

19. Kings Rising, by CS Pacat (a book with a made up language). This is pushing it, since they never actually speak in the made up languages on paper. But UGH. Third book in the Captive Prince trilogy, and hands down the best. Laurent and Damen finally let go of the goddamn longing and actually do something about it.

20. The Deep, by Rivers Solomon (a book set in a country beginning with C). This is pushing it, because it’s about mermaids (basically), but I think they’re in the Caribbean. I loved this book. It was so interesting. It’s based on a song by clipping., Daveed Diggs’s group. The premise is the wajinru (the mermaid people) originated as the infants from pregnant Africans that died and were thrown overboard during the slave trade. So like, it’s a pretty heavy book. But it’s heartfelt and sweet, too. Also more Surprise Gays, which came at an excellent time (November, post-Supernatual finale) for me. I highly recommend.

21. Written in the Stars, by Alexandria Bellefleur (a book you picked because the title caught your attention). I just finished this book tonight and it was so. good. It’s basically a modern, lesbian, fake dating rendering of Pride and Prejudice. And let me tell you, if there’s one thing I love more than Pride and Prejudice, it’s lesbians. It’s really really great. I highly, highly recommend. 

22. Running with Lions, by Julian Winters (a book with a three-word title). Thanks to All for the Game and movies like Handsome Devil and Boys, I have discovered that I have a huge thing for queer sport stories. So this book was really, really good. It’s got friends to enemies to friends to lovers, which is great. It’s got soccer, which is way more homoerotic now. And it’s got gays, which is really why I picked this book up. But it’s well written and the story is interesting, too. I definitely recommend.

23. The Prince and the Dressmaker, by Jen Wang (a book with a pink cover). Oh my god. AHHHHH!!! This book is amazing. It’s a graphic novel, so it’s a quick read. It’s fantasy and feels a little Cinderella-y, but that’s not the best part. The queer relationship is amazing, but that’s not the best part. The prince is genderfluid! Like me! And his mask name is Sebastian! Like me! (Okay, so my name is Bastien, but close enough) This was so so so good. I got it at a convention in February, and I was practically vibrating with excitement as I read it. I highly highly highly recommend. 

24. Girl Crushed, by Katie Heaney (a book by or about a journalist). I think I’d have liked this book better if it wasn’t so...similar to my life. The main premise is the main character is getting over a sudden and painful break up, after being dumped by her long-term (maybe first? I can’t remember) girlfriend. The ex has the same initials as my ex and acted very similarly, so maybe I ended up picturing her when the character came up in the book. The ending pissed me off. It was very gay and that wasn’t the entirety of the book, so maybe you’ll like it more than me. It was just too true to life for me and opened up some old wounds I didn’t want to open up. The author is an editor at Buzzfeed, so that’s how it fits into this category. 

25. Date Me, Bryson Keller, by Kevin van Whye (your favorite prompt from a past POPSUGAR Reading Challenge--a book published this year). This might be my second or third favorite book, goddamn it’s that good. It’s queer, obviously, and sort of fake dating? Bryson is dared to date someone new each week. He’s assumed to be straight, so all the people he dates are girls until Kai asks him. It’s really sweet, and there’s some issues with coming out to your family that don’t always sit well with me, but overall it was really good and it ends well. I definitely recommend.

26. Loki: Where Mischief Lies, by Mackenzi Lee (a book written by an author in their 20s). AAAHHHH!!!! Fuckin.... Okay, y’all know I have feelings about Loki. He’s my spouse and I love him to death. This book was so, so good. Loki gets sent to Victorian London to solve a mystery and meets a group of humans who know about Asgard and basically keep Midgard in order for Odin. Loki is canonically pan and genderfluid (as he should be), and Theo is a sweetheart. I wrote a 10k fic coming out of reading this book (Phantom Limb by Irishavalon on AO3, check it out.). I seriously recommend!

27. Because of Winn-Dixie, by Kate DiCamillo (a book by an author who has written more than 20 books). I read this with my third graders at the beginning of this year. Such a good book. I read it as a kid too. The movie is great but as always, book is better. Recommend.

28. Adventures of Charls, the Veretian Cloth Merchant, by CS Pacat (a book with more than 20 letters in its title). This was a reread of a short story that comes after the Captive Prince trilogy. Charls, the cloth merchant, was such a great side character in the CP trilogy, and telling the story from his perspective was great. It doesn’t have to be read after the other CP short stories, but at least the trilogy should be read first.

29. Fence vol.1, by CS Pacat (a book from a series with more than 20 books). I’m pushing it with this category. I read the first volume, but this is a comic book series, so the 20 books is more issues. This is very good too. It’s another gay sports story, and is probably going to be enemies to lovers, but they’re still enemies by the end of volume 1. Still recommend. 

30. Prince’s Gambit, by CS Pacat (a book with a main character in their 20s). Book 2 of the Captive Prince trilogy. Very very good. 

[rontra]

ANONYMOUS ASKED:

i really like mwot and was wondering, do you wanna talk/loredump/etc about mwot during this blessed month of pride? (if not that's totally cool!!! i really like the au and am curious about it!)

REPLY:

YES!!!!

umineko spoilers below and LONG POST KSDJDKSKD i really went infodumping......you got me right in an infodumping mood....

also im being very casual in this post so if something is like weird or vague its probably because i got tired of thinking about it and skipped ahead. SKJDSJD

mwot is an umi au and its very gay and very trans because i, a gay trans, decided it was TIME to INDULGE

LIKE A MOUNTAIN WIND FALLING ON OAK TREES also known as MWOT, MW/OT, Mountain Wind + Oak Trees, MW+OT, or literally any combination of its parts, is an eva/natsuhi au, set in a vague modern big city setting

https://rontra.tumblr.com/tagged/mountain-wind-oak-trees

it’s a comedy, mostly? it has elements of backstory transphobia and  stuff like that but that’s not really the story i want to tell with it, so  i don’t go too deeply into it in the main fic. it’s mostly comedy and Self Care: The  Story (once these nerds get around to acknowledging that self care is  good, anyway!!!!)  

Eva is 20, nb lesbian (though she doesnt know half of it to begin with). generally a bitchard at the beginning but also deeply craving that Validation. Invested in making the fic harder to write due to pronoun shenanigans (shoutout to the lengthy section of intimate emotional scenes that uses no pronouns at all for eva but is narrated by them in 3rd person)

Natsuhi is like 21 i guess because im a sucker for her having like an annoying 1-3 years on eva bc eva would get mad about it. Also she’s trans, gray-ace, hopeless romantic, generally full of “quickly raising your eyebrows and looking away while sipping your drink and thinking Yikes” energy. weaponizes indifference but is no stranger to harder means. she’s a smart cookie

Sayo is also 20, gender clown car living her best life. Presents differently depending on mood and whim

krauss is like 22 or whatever. for housekeeping’s sake, rosa and rudolf are too young to matter (8 and 10, or something like that). dont even worry about it

honestly the weirdest part of the au is eva and sayo being the same age

also this au is the origin point of me & my friends using akikaze as nat’s maiden name. the more you know!

-

USHIROMIYA GOLD dishes up that yellow metal like you wouldn’t believe. led by kinzo whos so fuckin good at sniffing out that sweet sweet gold people are half convinced the man has psychic powers. Any piece of land he’s got his eyes on, he WILL get his hands on, no matter who owns it right now.

the land kinzo wants At The Moment is owned by the AKIKAZE FAMILY who have been notably on the decline recently. they’re in the economic shithole so this land is basically all they’ve got right now, so when kinzo wants it and it suddenly Has Value, they’re like “oh, shit,

anyway the deal basically shakes out that like, he gets the land and all the gold that may or may not be in it. he offers his eldest son in exchange for this land, to marry their daughter: in the bonds of marriage graciously ensuring a part of the winnings will spill over on them, while keeping them under his control without money coming into the picture.

Everything’s working out great and coming up kinzo. the deal is closed and everyone’s happy (i guess). until ONE DAY, just a few narrow weeks before the akikaze girl is set to move in with the ushiromiyas,

KINZOS

OLDEST

SON

DISAPPEARS

!!!!!

Krauss dislikes being told what to do, and his father’s ideals never lined up with his own. He thinks this entire thing is sort of fucked up and can’t live under his dad’s thumb anymore. That's why, immediately following Kinzo’s agreement with the Akikaze family, Krauss disappears. He’s just kinda left for greener pastures, to unfold his own life and pursue his own interests independent of the Ushiromiya name. He leaves behind a letter explaining it & basically he forfeits both name and inheritance, and Kinzo’s incredible deal is suddenly in jeopardy.....

obviously this is kinzo though, and all of his solutions are like, 20 times more complicated than they have to be? he’s DETERMINED to have this land so he’s like “i need an eldest son. shit rudolf is only like 9. fuck. well okay i have an eldest daughter with a deeply complicated need for validation and success entirely driven by her overall neglect at my hands“ and the rest. as they say. is history (???)

Ushiromiya Eva always saw Krauss as unworthy of the inheritance, and to her, his disappearance confirms this. She grew up always being made to feel inferior to her older brother, usually being ignored in favor of him, and it's bred a complex need for validation in her. Her values and strengths are more like Kinzo’s than her brother’s, and Kinzo recognizes this in the wake of Krauss’ disappearance.

basically he concocts this really wild scheme where eva has to pretend to be his oldest son and marry this girl or whatever so he can seal this stupid gold deal and she’s like “well lol if i get to be family heir” and hes like “yes that’s what im saying” and shes like “awesome let’s do it”

all of the servants are in on it too of course. specifically kinzo enlists SAYO who works there as normal staff and isn’t otherwise tangled into this family’s mess in any way whatsoever. she’s just here to serve tea and looks. anyway he’s like “you work on this with eva--i mean evan, my son, you must have misheard--and eva you have to listen to whatever yasuda says” and eva is like “that last part will not be frustrating for me at all”.

Yasuda as reigning Household Gender Presentation Expert is like “i think i just got orders from the master to bully eva?” and eva is like “i wish i could fire you but my dad just banned me from doing that” and then gradually...over the course of the project......they become....friends.........

(the au is tagged eva & sayo for a reason. they become FRIENDS!!)

mostly its just various combinations of shkanon dunking on eva and its all VERY good.

during all these shenanigans we make some startling realizations like “gender euphoria is a hell of a drug” and stuff, which is extremely harrowing for everyone (note: not for everyone. just for eva, who makes 10,000 realizations every day, and should not have been counted.)

(ok sidenote did anyone else put on their first binder & go like “hmmm. i live here now” because. mood. im projecting entirely into this fic)

Gender Clown Car yasuda (currently as lion) is like “you know there’s like more than 2 genders” and eva’s like “you fucking wehat”.

i also make a REALLY INVOLVED JOKE ABOUT CASTIGLIONI GOLD, THE RIVAL COMPANY, and how BEATRICE’S KID LOOKS A LOT LIKE LION, and EVERYONE thinks this is all VERY funny

(i would like to see it. also kinzo owes beatrice castiglioni $20 and she’s never let him forget it.)

now wrapped up in this stupid impostor scheme AND full of big wild nonbinary energy AND!! WITH AN INFURIATING NEW FRIEND!! IN THE STAFF!!! this one funky ushiromiya is all ready to get in on an arranged marriage or whatever. provided NO ONE EVER FINDS OUT that they’re faking it and replacing the Actual Heir, which would no doubt ruin the scheme AND bring kinzo’s wrath on everybody involved, of course.

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AKIKAZE NATSUHI IS READY TO PUNCH HER FIANCE IN THE THROAT IF HE EVEN LOOKS AT HER but she understands what’s happening here. she knows she didn’t have a say in this from the very beginning. that the deal was sealed for her as soon as the name “ushiromiya” was said. she knows her family married her off quick in a bid to get rid of her. if she’s humiliated by this ordeal, she is far too proud to show it. she packs her bags and walks into the mansion with her head held high........and immediately has this exchange with her fiance

and this one

so that’s kind of the energy we’re going for with these two.

(natsuhi’s line in the second cap was going to be removed for being Way Too Intense, but everyone i talked to said it was too hot to cut, so i decided to indulge us all. blame the lesbians)

they IMMEDIATELY don’t get along but they kinda agree to like, mind their business, since neither of them are interested in playing house here. if they can get the wedding to go off without a hitch they can basically go back to never talking to each other again.

natsuhi’s entire angle here is essentially: her family was not that good, and this family likely won’t be better, BUT here she has a chance to build something new for herself. she’ll be out of her parents’ house. She needs this deal to stay for her own sake, but she has to get out ahead of her husband and set up a dynamic that favors her. when she meets evan she essentially gauges the kind of person she’s dealing with and picks her approach accordingly: this is not a soft man, and she has to be hard in turn to avoid being steamrolled.

and its VERY hot

anyway some stuff happens and it eventually they both sorta get each other’s secrets. eva is not the firstborn son and natsuhi is not the card kinzo thought he was pulling from her family’s hand and theyre both toast if word hits the public. directly after the wedding they establish a tense alliance of keeping each others’ secrets....

and then they.....fall...in l

there’s some fun tensions and realizations. eva is like “so im quickly catching on that no praise i ever received from dad was on my own merit and he’s kind of a dirtbag all around and his validation is kind of not worth it” and nat is like “word our parents are chains” & they run kinzo over with the down w cis bus. it’s fine. they get postcards from krauss sometimes. he has a motorbike now.

DID I MENTION THE PRACTICE KISSING

BC THEY HAVE TO PRACTICE! FOR THE!! PUBLIC WEDDING!!!!

and thats mwot i guess. it’s my au where natsuhi’s accent color is red and some other stuff happens too. happy pride month

[macabrecabra]

I was wondering if you were comfortable writing some trans! Genji with Gabriel when they're dating and young? Maybe Genji's afraid of what Gabriel thinks of him…?

I can give you a bit of something. Apologies though as I setit up as sort of first meeting first date and had to rush parts.Short prompt fics and all ; w ; Trying to keep the length compact.

(Note: still not taking Overwatch writing prompts, trying to clearem out so I can focus on finishing longer fics, one-shot collectionsin other fandom, and aqua*watch asks c:)

Title: Nerves Rating: PGRelationship: Genji/Reaper;Genreaper

Genji took a deep breath and met his gaze in the mirror, bitinghis lip.

“I can do this. Just, just act natural. Don't makethings weird. Don't read into anything. We'll be fine,” Hemurmured, as he ran a hand through his hair, freshly dyed and styledupwards. Today he was going on a blind date and as always,fear was clawing at his stomach, twisting and turning it intowretched knots. It wasn't the fact he was meeting up with a stranger,but the fact that his nerves always seemed to pick these dates as thebest time to pick apart his appearance.  How he stood there staringin the mirror as he adjusted his binder and his mind was sneeringabout how his hips were to wide and shapely and lacked all the hardedges he wanted. How he hadn't yet been able to get on the properdrug treatments so his face still looked too fair for his liking.Hehated how he still swore he could see the swell of his small chesteven though the binder smoothed everything down. Every thought in hisbody was telling him someone was going to mis-gender him within sixminutes of saying hello and he would spend the rest of the dateinternally screaming in distress over the whole affair. “You'refine Genji. Completely fine. The manliest fuck to ever get his gayon,” He growled, doing his best to shove down those nerves beforepulling a black t-shirt on. “You got this. Just get dressed, go outto the cafe, meet your date and pray to god it isn't like that jerklast week.”The businessman that had been his date theprevious week had been nothing short of a self-centered prick. Heloved to talk but only about himself. Really Genji had not liked theman at all. The fake smile and overly polite manners bordered oncondescending. Not to mention the jackass had the nerve to say thathe would look cute if he wore more make-up.A real piece ofwork that one was. Genji had felt nothing but satisfaction in givingthe asshole one of his many fake numbers and walking out the doorknowing he would never have to see that prick again.This timeit would be different.It didn't take long for Genji to finishgetting dress and strap on his headband and take the time to applyjust a bit of eyeliner before heading out. He felt dressed forsuccess and wearing one of the best colognes money could by and setup camp at the cafe, nervously looking around and at his phone. Hisdate was some foreigner named Gabriel Reyes. Latinx American if thephoto was anything to go by. More of Genji's type than the usualfair. Well built, muscular, with just the right amount of facialhair. A real soldier boy type by the looks of it.

“Genji Shimada?”

Genji looked up abruptly when his name was said, eyes wide as hefinally was face to face with his date. Gabriel Reyes was a lottaller in real life, that much was for sure and more built. The shirthe wore looked like it was struggling to keep itself fitted over theexpanse of his chest. “Yeah, that's me. I suppose then youare Gabriel Reyes?”The man nodded and offered a smilebefore sliding in the chair across from him, “Nice place youpicked.”“Yeah. Good coffee but I prefer the waffles theyhave,” Genji returned, looking down at his hands shyly, “So uh,yeah. Nice to meet you face to face.”“Likewise,”Gabriel returned.The two sat for a moment in silence before anervous laugh crept out of Genji, “To be honest, I'm not very goodat small talk like this.”“Me neither honestly,” Gabriellet out a slight laugh. “Seems to follow the same trend eh? Tell meabout yourself. Oh that's nice. How's the weather?”“Moreor less yeah,” Genji chuckled. “Sometimes makes you wish therewas another way to approach it eh?”“Last date had me playa card game asking about my faith in God and I was wondering if I wasthere to meet them or to date Jesus himself,” Gabriel shook hishead. “Sometimes best to stick to the classics.”“Well,I'm a twenty-two year old playboy, play arcade games, drive my familyup the wall, love to club and go out, and don't much care forHollywood celebrities,” Genji said leaning back. “And you?”“Iam the same as any other gay man. I put my pants on one leg at atime, I just do it more fabulous. Mostly cook as a hobby and ridingmotorcycles. The rest you'll have to figure out from my profilepage,” Reyes returned with a smirk.Already Genji could tellhe was going to like Gabriel. He was charming in a rather off-beatenway, sarcastic which is something the Shimada ninja could more thanappreciate. Not to mention he was more than a little easy on theeyes. “Also seems you work out a lot. Nice muscletone.”That comment had Genji blinking some before flushingalthough he raised an arm to flex it, “Well of course! Need to havea couple of bad boys on standby eh?”“You use a gym orpersonal workout at home?” Gabriel asked, leaning back. “Maybe wecould become gym buddies to get to know each other better.”Thathad Genji laughing a bit nervously, “I don't know. Must people at agym start giving me looks when, you know, they realize...”  Hetrailed off a bit at that, glancing away, “Let's say picking alocker room to use turns in a huge debacle every time.”Gabrielsnorted, “You're a man. We will use the men's locker room and ifsome asshole wants to raise a fuss, he can deal with me. Its just aroom to change out of clothes. You look far more fit and manly thanmost of the assholes I've seen in there.”That brought aflush to Genji's cheeks and he couldn't help the smile on his face,“Would you really do that if we went to a gym together?”“Whowouldn't do that for a handsome, charming man like you?” Reyesreturned with a smile. Genji couldn't keep the smile nor thelush off his face as he looked down, fidgeting in his seat. Alreadythis date was off to a great start and it was so much easier toimagine doing things with Gabriel such as going to the gym andworking out together. In fact, it almost Genji giddy to think that hecould go and do as he please without the usual harassment as long asGabriel was at his side. It was easier to shove the nerves hefelt down.

He was already looking forward to how the rest of this date wouldgo.

[chimepunk]

What novels or book series would you recommend?

oh fuckin boy dude so many. 90% of what i read is either gay or scifi/fantasy or both, and some are technically for a younger audience but still great, so thats what most of this is which hopefully you’re cool with here goes

this got super long so i’m putting it under a cut. bolded titles are the ones that i’m super recommending, though i love them all

novels

the coldest girl in coldtown by holly black - vampires! a trans character! a bi character! one of the most novel approaches to vampires in fiction that i’ve seen! 10/10 would recommend

the darkest part of the forest by holly black - again, holly black is one of my favorite authors. this one’s got faeries (the proper vaguely unsettling kind that i’m all about) magical music, girls embracing their sexuality, girls being knights, interesting sibling dynamics, and a super cute m/m pairing

les miserables by victor hugo - ok yeah, it’s like 1400 pages long and historical fiction, but i love les mis a lot ok. it’s gotta be on this list just because it owns my ass. it’s like a old drunk french man trying to tell you about the june rebellion but he keeps getting distracted by things like people’s personal lives, the intricacies of the parisian underworld, and how much he wants to fuck the sewers. it’s wonderful

the night circus by erin morgenstern - magical circus that mysteriously appears for days at a time and then vanishes? a competition between young magicians drawn out for years? a wide variety of fascinating side characters? (i will say that the synopsis available for the book is somewhat misleading, as it’s actually less about our two protags and more about the circus itself. but that’s what makes it so enchanting)

the song of achilles by madeleine miller - retelling of patroclus and achilles story to be explicitly romantic. will make you feel like you’re floating on clouds and then rapidly crush your soul. sort of a happy ending? but it’s still a tragedy. their ending is the same as it was in the illiad so if you’re not prepared for that then maybe don’t read

good omens by neil gaiman and terry pratchett - a demon who’s not very good at being a demon and an angel who just wants to collect his books in peace thank you very much try to sabotage the end of times. absolutely hilarious

fairy and folktales of the irish peasantry by w.b. yeats - the best collection of irish faerie stories by one of my favorite poets. if you like creepy and tricky faeries i would def recommend checking these out

rootabaga stories by carl sandburg - another collection of folktales, this time inspired by the american midwest. kinda weird, kinda zany, very neat

the poison eaters by holly black - a short story collection of faery stories that are sometimes creepy, sometimes touching, sometimes gay. my personal favorite is about a library science student who finds a book collection where the characters come out at night and interact, but they’re all really great

series:

alex rider adventures by anthony horowitz - teenager gets recruited by MI6 as a spy, has incredibly high success rate, gets pretty fucked up along the way but damn those one liners tho, maybe have some self preservation alex? just a thought

all for the game by nora sakavic - about a fake sport called exy that’s kind of like indoor lacrosse but more violent. contains: crime families, found families, an aspec protag, girls kicking ass, unhealthy levels of sass, wonderful slowburn m/m that you can’t even see coming for a long while, and a happy ending for everyone!! i came for the gays and ended up reading all three books in two days. also you can get the whole series for less than five bucks on kindle! (note: tw for rape, physical abuse, torture, ptsd, child abuse, drug use, alcoholism, some use of slurs, mentions of past self harm, mental illness)

artemis fowl by eoin colfer - more faeries, but this time they live underground and are way more technologically advanced than humans. the first book focuses on our anti-hero trying to catch one and steal their gold, and they quickly become allies and solve faerie related cases together!! one of my favorite series growing up, and i cried in the middle of the hallway at school when i finished the last book

camp half-blood series by rick riordan - does rick riordan write a lot of mythology books? yes. do i love them all? yes. neurodivergent kids! kids from a huge range of racial and ethnic backgrounds! queer kids! collect them all! ft. greco-roman mythology and a lot of stupid jokes

emelan series by tamora pierce - ok this is easily one of my favorite series of all time. non-western high fantasy setting (picture greece/turkey, china, tibet, mongolia, scandinavia, etc type settings), following four young mages who have unique kinds of magic as they train and grow their skills and become powerful in their own right. only one of the kids is definitely white (jury’s still out on sandry), one is a lesbian, one is ace, one is pan, all four are raised by a loving f/f couple, body diversity, one of the best found families i’ve ever read, feminism, discussion of racism, classism, cultural identity, war, and so much more. it’s so so good and so under-appreciated please read all of the emelan books 

the dark is rising sequence by susan cooper - full disclosure i have not finished this series yet but i’ve re-read the first book a million times. it’s a neat take on arthurian mythology, with dark forces trying to take over and kids getting shit done

diviners by libba bray - psychic teenagers in 1920s new york! i’m a slut for prohibition, but these are also super fun and have likable and real characters, and doesn’t only focus on wealthy white people having parties which is nice. the occult! government conspiracies! historical references! genuinely scary situations! it’s rad!

the enchanted forest chronicles by patricia c. wrede - i adore this series so so much. it’s about a princess who’s father keeps telling her that she can’t have hobbies like fencing or cooking or conjugating latin verbs because they’re unladylike and insists that she marry this doofus prince that she couldn’t care less about. so she runs away and volunteers to work for a dragon and proceeds to send away all the princes that try to rescue her. it’s genuinely funny, has a really neat magic system in the later books, great female friendships, cats, dragons who have no time for your gender roles, and wizards who are the most ridiculous group of antagonists you will ever see

the infernal devices by cassandra clare - i really really do not like the author of this series but it also broke me so it must go on the list. if you’re familiar with the mortal instruments or shadowhunters on freeform, it’s set in that universe in the 1870s in london and it’s very steampunk and very angsty and it made me cry a lot

the kane chronicles by rick riordan - see: camp half-blood series but egyptian

fablehaven by brandon mull - oooooh fuck me up i love this series. this is another one meant for slightly younger readers but all of brandon mull’s series are so wildly imaginative and i’m a slut for world building so. the premise is basically that there are secret preserves all over the world that house magical creatures, and five of these preserves have vaults with artifacts that when brought together make a key to this massive demon prison. an evil society called the society of the evening star is trying to get the artifacts to open the prison, and a different group who is allied with the preserves called the knights of the dawn is trying to get to them first to prevent this from happening. there are dragons, light and dark powers, crazy convoluted vaults to get through, and some really cool creatures and characters

beyonders by brandon mull - this guy again! this one’s about a parallel world called lyrian that people on earth can only get to through small liminal windows, and usually can’t get back through. the story follows two kids, jason and rachel, who get stuck in lyrian and end up becoming major members of the resistance against the evil emperor maldor. just like fablehaven, the world building is insane and you’ll fall in love with all the characters. this is yet another series that made me cry in the middle of class when i finished it

the kingkiller chronicle by patrick rothfuss - this is series is long as all fuck and the last book isn’t out yet but it’s my #1 favorite series of all time. i found out about it bc a cashier at a local grocery store held up the line to write it down for me and i never went back. parts of it are achingly, hauntingly beautiful, other parts are hilarious enough to leave you in stitches, others make you want to pull your hair out. there’s sass, recklessness, beautiful and deadly girls, an overwhelming love and emphasis on the importance of music and storytelling, magic that’s more like science, ethnic adversity, student loans, a thing that might be a cow or might be a dragon depending on who you ask, and more quotable lines than you could dream of. the audiobook by nick podehl is also fabulous, and lin manuel miranda is producing and adapting it for the screen and maybe stage at some point in the future!

a modern faerie tale by holly black - guys. i love holly black. almost everything she’s ever written is on this list. this one is fairly self explanatory by the title, but it’s gritty and dark and has those lovely creepy faeries that she’s so great at writing. also a surprising m/m couple in the last book, both of whom are characters in the other two installments. (tw for drug use/addiction, brief sexual assault, and probably other things that i can’t remember right now)

the raven cycle by maggie stiefvater - also in my top 3 favorite series of all time, i cannot begin to describe this series. i first read it while up in the nc mountains which improved the experience to a surprising degree, but it’s stuck with me for the last several years. basically 5 teenagers go in search of a dead welsh king, but along the way there is magic, psychics, ghosts, a sentient forest, dreams becoming reality, curses, teenage shenanigans, classic cars, swearing, church, kisses and not kisses, illict hand holding, a baby crow, bisexuality, a death list, hitmen, and nicknames and it will consume your heart before you know what’s happening to you (tw child abuse, implied sexual assault, substance abuse, dissociation, mentions of past suicide attempts, body horror, gore, and disturbing scenes esp. in the last book)

six of crows by leigh bardugo - a team of criminals band together to break into an impossible fortress, fall in love, con an entire city, and get rich. set in the same universe as the grisha trilogy (which is also good but not as good as soc), this is basically a heist followed by a con, but pulled off by ruthless teenagers and with the help of magic

curseworker trilogy by holly black - crime families, magic that can only done through touch so everyone wears gloves, moral ambiguity, and a twisted romance. one of holly black’s best and most underrated series

baccano! by ryohgo narita - this is a japanese light novel series which has been adapted into an anime, but is much more extensive in print. the plot is extremely convoluted, but an absolute ride spanning several centuries, although the bulk of it is in the 1930s in nyc and chicago. there’s an elixir of immortality, crime families, trains, a solipsistic assassin and his mute assassin gf, serial killers, a demon with a catch phrase, murder, explosions, adorable couples, gambling, a gang leader named jacuzzi who is always terrified, killer corporations, and much much more

no.6 by asuka asano - another japanse series, this time focusing on two boys, one who grew up in a utopian city, the other who grew up outside the walls after the city destroyed his life. they meet when they’re 12 years old, and several years later, they’re reunited when the outsider rescues the city boy from arrest. they, along with a pimp and a nonbinary dog hotel owner, try to expose and overthrow the government. also ft. drag performances, mice who like shakespeare, killer bees, and boys falling in love.

the merlin saga by t.a. barron - my favorite take on arthurian mythology, chronicling merlin as he comes into his power. there’s a vividly magical island, giants, amulets, talking trees, stones that will try to swallow you, a swamp witch, celtic deities, huge wicker hats, poetry, new kinds of fruit, people that are also deer, and human’s long lost wings.

[oliverwithoutthetwist]

Physical and Mental - agony - (warning: suicidal thoughts)

Hello again, my for all eternity deserted friend

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This post will be long as hell and (WARNING) it includes various depression filled and suicidal thoughts

Topics: Current appearance . Others’ perception . Romance. Agony . Physical pain . Suicidal Ideation . Loneliness . Family

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1- Mirror Selfie above

Torso- This was the first time I found a mirror that allowed me to capture more than just the face (in a way that everything is sort of visible and I’m not just a faraway being). The legs are not present but I’ll find a way to reveal them along side the rest of my prison-like body somehow. I want to have everything clear on record.

Face- My features here reveal the facial expression I tend to make when anxious and paranoid. Note: Currently, I’m always anxious and paranoid when I leave my flat, afraid of being “discovered” as a “fraud”. Continuing, after analyzing the image, I now understand why strangers see me as a lost child. Imagine the person in the pic above being 5ft (my embarrassing height) and standing uncomfortably on the underground station platform. Yes...

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2- Agonizing reality

12 year old look- Yes, I do look like a 12(hope not less)-14 (at max) boy when walking alone down the street. And, let me tell you, this thing of looking like a child was sort of fun at first but, now, it has proven to be a struggle. 

The stares- I can’t drink or smoke in public comfortably like i used to. People glare now, whisper between themselves, laugh and sometimes comment (rather loudly) when seeing me engage in adult behaviors, behaviors that merely consist in me hanging out with my young adult friends. “Adult” like me.

Romance- The universe, currently, does not allow me to be with anyone romantically. A bloke my age, or even 5 years younger, would automatically pass as a pedophile if he did has much as hold my hand with other people around. No 20 something year old wants to be seen as a pervert, someone who wishes to #!% little children. This is indeed understandable, I wouldn’t want to be perceived as that as well. 

Pedophiles- 50plus year old repulsive men are the only ones who seem to want to (or actually do so) approach me with the intent of having “sexual relations”. With me, the lost and innocent looking young boy. I never knew this to be so common. It’s terrifying.

Nighttime stroll- I used to sometimes enjoy walking back towards my flat instead of taking the tube, especially when the moon is high. I don’t do that anymore though. It has become dangerous. The reasons: 1- Looking as young as I do, and being in the street alone after the sun sets,  I am now the perfect and rather easy to capture prey for the so called “pedo” to attack. 2- I’ve been called a “faggot” two times now (note: my gay friends have never been insulted like that). “I guess” no “straight” young teen dresses like I do so I am, automatically to the ignorant human, a miniature “roostersucker” and this can actually lead to a group of neanderthals beating the shit out of me. When having that appearance, a person is indeed an easy target. Note: I actually live in, what’s considered to be, a safe country. These things still happen though and not that rarely. 3 (worse scenario)- Ok. Imagine this: there I go, down the street, no sunlight, looking like a young boy when suddenly a breeze opens my loose fitting jacket to reveal a previously hidden female body. Just a quick look and I’m suddenly discovered by a transphobe as a “fake” male, a “freak”, a trans person. This is horrifying. I’ve read/know of testimonies by trans blokes (mostly pre-t) who were beat up rather violently or/and raped with the excuse of it being an attempt to help them, to cure their “disease”.

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I’m in hell

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3- Suicidal Ideation has returned

Lately, I keep thinking about the various boxes of prescription pills that are hidden in my wardrobe. 

Swallowing, about 5 by 5, of my rather strong anti-depressants until there’s nothing left. And then, adding to the mix, my mood stabilizers. 

This is sure to provoke an effect on the body.

Short story- Before coming out, and after I started meds,  I went on a google quest to know how many boxes of pills (the specific ones I take) would kill me. I still have, in my macbook, a document that holds that information. 

The ultimate swallowing of all my anti-depressant and mood stabilizers has yet to happen though. I like to plan things, to make sure I’ll be successful while doing them, so I did my research and found cases of people who tried suicide by prescription drugs and ended up not being able to perform the simplest of tasks and requiring the assistance of others to go through life, their body and movement ability destroyed. When reading this, I became terrified of surviving the attempt and not even being physically able to repeat it. The body that has brought me so much misery over the years would become not only the prison that has always been but also a bloody straight jacket. And this would be my life, until fate decided its end. 

Short fact- Before coming out (early October), after years of research, I had finally found a flawless way of suicide (an “exotic” and not well known way). The Holy Grail. I will not reveal what it is. I don’t wish for anyone to find it and swallow "the thing” because of me and the information I have provided here. That being said, this “thing” was being sold on a website (for other purposes, so completely legal) but it was temporarily unavailable. You had the option of sending them your email in order to receive a notice when “the thing” was back in stock. I did that and I did receive a message. It was at the end of November that they announced its availability. I deleted this announcement. Curiously enough, I had just come out and, for the first time, I was excited to be alive and to see what the future would bring. 

The excitement has now vanished. Reality has hit. I used to be fully accepted when I was hidden inside the character I had created as means of survival, a fake individual who caused me excruciating pain. Years of self harm accompanied me through out. Quick note: I will, later on, share my experience on the subject. Continuing, hiding misery did in fact provide me with being accepted by others. I’m not saying my friends (for example) are transphobic. What I’m saying is that real life, in its total, is a lot harder now. But I will not go back to how it was before. I can’t do it. No way. Even, going out of the flat without a binder makes me feel so anxious that my breathing stops working properly. Yes, going back is not an option at this point.

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4- Physical pain

Binder- I’ve recently shared here the physical pain I’ve been experiencing due to overwearing my binder. The chest area does not hurt but my back does, a lot. The pain is so bad that I’m only able to sleep due to extreme exhaustion. I might be tired but my back will keep me awake until, hours later, I simply pass out. I’ve been experiencing this for over a week now. Sometimes it goes away and I think it’s over but it comes back and is horrible.

Heavy head and lost of balance- I have a lot of important and unavoidable things to take care of at the moment. I’m bloody anxious as hell. I have ADHD, which makes this all outstandingly overwhelming and confusing. I’m trying to keep myself focused and I don’t take any meds for it. After my diagnose, I chose not to (I was taking 4 pills a day at the time and didn’t want to add more to my daily breakfast routine). . . . All this to say that, today, my head suddenly turned heavy. It’s difficult to describe actually. Let me try. Imagine your head being somehow pulled by a strong rubber band. That’s it, that’s how I can describe it. I apologize, I can’t find better words for it. But yes, the “heavy sensation” made me believe my head was tilted to the left without my control when, in fact, it was straight. This belief made me experience difficulty with walking. All day, I had to concentrate really hard in order to not appear drunk or high. I’ve heard of this before, this happening due to anxiety, but I had never experienced it first hand. 

Panic attack- Adding to all this, I had a day filled with sudden issues! 1-I opened a new bank account with my new ID but, due to an error, the guy found out my name used to be *insert birth name here* and stopped referring to me as “son” and started treating me as “miss”, even though my ID says MALE. 2-Again, stares and laughs at the little boy who thinks he’s all grown up. 3-Pain and lost of balance 4-Panic attack (a strong as shit one). 5-My friends are suddenly not open to let me share my troubles (these are the people who have always criticized me for not talking to them about my personal issues). Ex: friend: “Are you ok?”, me “uh... not really. I just had a panic attack and basically spent the last hour attempting to breathe, screaming and sobbing”, friend: “...”, friend 2: “This is the best chicken ever. Oh! I have a new crush.” 6- I left my ID inside a taxi. The taxi driver was horrible to me the whole trip. When I went to pay, I gave him money and told him he didn’t have to give me the change. Due to the head heaviness thingy, I was desperate to go to my room and lie down. The thing is: I was so confused with my surroundings, that I let my wallet fall when I got up to leave. I was quick to notice I had left it there though. I shouted in despair towards the guy, telling him “wait!”. He actually noticed me but still drove off. I tried to run and place myself in front of the car to force him to stop but failed to do so. The driver left with my wallet. I thought I had been saved when my landlord and neighbor called me. I looked to see him looking through his window and, after noticing my attempt to reach the taxi, he memorized the license plate. I was saved! Not. I called all my city’s taxi companies and the guy’s car didn’t belong to any of them. They said he must be an independent taxi driver. He’s registered though, his car had everything to be official. There’s a company that controls all of it but they did not pick up my phone call. I had to send an email. So, my ID is basically gone (the ID I spent extra money so I could have it as quickly as possible, the ID I went to pick up yesterday, the ID that made me almost cry from joy and relief). If they do reply and contact the driver, he will probably deny having the wallet. It’s not because of money, I didn’t have any, only enough for the taxi drive. He didn’t have anything to steal. The bank card inside was old and had already been canceled. I only need my ID! My precious baby! The driver treated me like shit, he’s not going to be kind enough to report the missing item. He probably just threw it away. Where I live, that’s actually a crime. You have 7 days to report a lost ID. He can always say another passenger took it. . . Right! My baby is gone and I can’t do things grown ups do anymore. 7- Oh yes, my macbook charger suddenly broke and it’s expensive as hell. FMbloodyL

Anyway...

Status: I’m uncomfortable as hell! I’m a mess, mentally and physically. This day was... so many things... It’s surreal! 

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5- Loneliness

I started this blog as a way to make a record of my transition. I was hoping (and still sort of am) for, one day, to look at it again and see all the steps it took in order to achieve my life changing transformation and personal accomplishments. 

Not only that, it was also something for my friends to check from time to time so they could understand my situation a bit better and accompany me when I leave this city (not long now). They were actually the ones who asked excitedly if they could follow me. Yet, they did not. I don’t think they ever even visited the link I gave them. 

Another thing I thought would be nice was chatting with other fellow transgenders and share deep thoughts or just have a nice chat. This didn’t happen though. I sent some messages to tumblr bloggers I found to be interesting. They answered me, very nicely. But they ended up ignoring the message I sent afterwards. I swear to the bloody stars that I wasn’t offensive in any way. 

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6- Parents

My parents (and brother) still don’t know

They’re blind as hell 

They care

They just don’t see 

They’ve always pushed aside the emotional aspects of life

They’re good people

But they simply prefer to ignore deeper issues 

It’s not their fault

It’s how they were raised

And, consequently, it’s how I was raised too

It’s how I learned to also ignore those issues and live in bloody agony all this time

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Conclusion:

I’m alone

[y0ung-and-l0aded]

so ah... you home yet? :-P

LOL I’m sorry! But here we go, 1-100!

Is a kiss considered cheating? Imo, yes

Have you ever faked orgasm? Ye…

If you could have one superpower, what would it be? To be able to live completely normally and healthily with no sleep

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? LOL NAH

Tell us some funny drunk story. Lol ummm I don’t really think I have any funny ones. OH WAIT one time I was at a party and I called Meghan really drunk and I bitched out this one person real hard and she thought it was hilarious but then again that’s probably only funny for certain people… welp. All my other drunk stories are depressing LOL

Why are you no longer together with your ex? Which ex? For each one there are different reasons

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? Anything that wasn’t painful and also involved my listening to really good music as I died

What are your current goals? To hit 500 then 1000 subs on YT, to get a new position at work, and honestly to just not have a life crippling mental breakdown

Do you like someone? Yes

Who was the last person to disappoint you? Lol nah

Do you like your body? No

Can you keep a diet? HAHA NO WAY

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? I have no idea, that’s to philosophical and deep for me

Do you work? Yes

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? Oh fuck seriously? Ummm probably steak lol

Would you get a tattoo? I mean I have 7 so yeah 

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? ALL my money? Well all my money basically goes to rent, gas, and food - so that stuff I guess

Can you drive? Yes

When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? I don’t remember

What was the last thing you cried for? It was a person

Do you keep a journal? No

Is life fun? Sometimes actually

Is farting in front of people irrelevant? Depends on who haha, I’m that guy

What’s your dream car? A MAZDA BABY

Are grades in school important? Fuck no, unless you fail and can’t get your degree

Describe your crush. No thanks

What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? Omg omg omg Train to Busan. Check it out, it’s soooo fucking amazing

What was your last lie? That I was okay

Dumbest lie you ever told? I can’t remember. I’m sure I’ve told many dumb lies

Is crying in front of people embarrassing? Not really for me honestly

Something you did and you are proud of? Getting into the Crane school of music

What’s your favourite cocktail? DONT JUDGE ME but a screwdriver 

Something you are good at? Knowing really random knowledge about video games

Do you like small kids? YESSSS 

How are you feeling right now? Indifferent but a little sad

What would you name your daughter/son? Son: Price - Daughter: I have no idea tbh

What do you need to be happy? Someone who loves me as much as I love them, but I’ve been trying really hard lately to be happy on my own

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? No I would never punch someone

What was the last gift you received? I don’t remember, probably something around Christmas time

What was the last gift you gave? Tickets to an Imagine Dragons concert

What was the last concert you went to? twenty one pilots last summer

Favourite place to shop at? UGH so difficult. Target or Walmart or Aero lolol

Who inspires you? Stumpt

How old were you when you first got drunk? I was a junior in high school but I don’t remember the age

How old were you when you first got high? Same as above

How old were you when you first had sex? Tenth grade

When was your first kiss? Tenth grade

Something you want to do until the end of this year? By the end of this year? What? I don’t get this. But I’d like to get to 500 subs by the end of the year

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? I normally would say no bc I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, and all those things shaping who you are as a person. But yes there is one exception

Post a selfie. Ugh I’m too lazy for that sorry. Just find my Twitter or something lol

Who are you most comfortable around? I’m not really sure anymore

Name one thing that terrifies you. Being raped

What kind of books do you read? I don’t read much anymore, sadly

What would you tell your 12 year old self? That I was going to turn out trans lol

What is your favourite flower? I don’t have one

Any bad habits you have? Yes

What kind of people are you attracted to? People with a good sense of humour, friendly and inviting personality, and I usually notice people by their smiles

What was the last thing you cried for? I think this was asked?

Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you? I hate mint anything and I can’t do really spicy food

Are you in love? I’m not sure

Something you find romantic? I don’t have the energy for this question rn lol sorry

How long was your longest relationship? 2 and a half years

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? Guys who say bro/lit/turnt, guys who use gay as an insult, and guys who think they’re cool bc they’re guys

What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? Girls who say bro/lit/turnt, girls who use gay as an insult, girls who think they’re hot shit bc they’re defined by society as pretty

What are you saving money for? My survival HAHA LML

How would you describe your bad side? Dark and depressing and run before you get to know it

Are you actually a good person? Why? Idfk

What are you living for? I’m not sure

Have you ever done anything illegal? Yes lol

Do you like your body? No and this was asked already DEAR LORD

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? No

Ever sent nudes? Kind of

Have you ever cheated on someone? Yes

Favourite candy? It goes in waves, but I think rn it’s Crunch bars

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it! No I don’t use Tumblr much anymore

Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game? YES AND MINECRAFT

Favourite TV series? The Great British Bake Off

Are you religious? Does God exist? No I am not and I don’t believe in God, but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist

What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? I can’t remember tbh

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? Why do I have to have an opinion on this???? Who cares????

How long have you been on Tumblr? Oh geez ummm six years I think

Do you like Chineese food? FUCK YES MOTHA FUCKA

McDonalds or Subway? UGHHHH BOTH

Vodka or whiskey? Vodka for sure

Alcohol or drugs? Drugs (as in pot if you count that, not other drugs)

Ever been out of your province/state/country? Yes

Meaning behind your blog name? It’s lyrics from an MCR song

What are you scared of? Being raped, being burned alive, drowning, getting shot, and getting in a car accident

Last time you were insulted? Idk

Most traumatic experience? Having the cops called on me for being suicidal 

Perfect date idea? Depends on the mood but I’m down for just snuggling and watching horror movies and/or getting high together but also dressing up and going out to dinner is real nice too

Favourite app on your phone? The texting app bc that’s all I really do. And email I check my emails on my phone

What colour are the walls in your room? Beige

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? YES YES YES and Stumpt is my favorite channel

Share your favourite quote. “Maybe it’s because I look at everything as a lesson, or because I don’t want to walk around angry, or maybe it’s because I finally understand. There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don’t want to know, but have to learn. And people we can’t live without, but have to let go.” - JJ, Criminal Minds 6x02

What is the meaning of life? I have no fucking idea I don’t think there is one

Do you like horror movies? YES

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? Yes, many times, and for many reasons

Do you feel lucky or special in a way? No

Can you keep a secret? Yeah

Thanks anon, sorry it took me forever haha. Feel free to come off anon? Interested in who you are. You seem swaggy.