Hey so I lately had this problem. A friend is helping me figure things out (she is doing so much research I love her) and she found this thing called dismorphia. And like I cant stand my chest, its feels like its a seperate thing thats not part of my body, but stays there. So I'm like struggling to figure out if I'm actually genderfluid or if I'm just dismorphig about my chest and like dressing masc. Cause the rest of my body is like ok and even tho i want top surgery I dunno if i wanna take T
So, standard disclaimer that a) I’m no in way a medical professional, and b) strangers over the internet cannot diagnose you, but I do have to say that your very short description here (”And like I cant stand my chest, its feels like its a seperate thing thats not part of my body, but stays there“) sounds 100% like dysphoria. It doesn’t even sound like comorbid dysmorphia to me.
It’s very easy to get overwhelmed with too much (and often very extraneous and unnecessary) information when researching something personal that you’re desperate for answers for - and even more so when someone who can’t personally experience what we’re actually experiencing is helping us find information. So I just wanna help clear up some confusion as to some meanings here.
Gender dysphoria - unease/dissatisfaction/discomfort/unhappiness/disconnect regarding being referred to as/thought of as a certain gender(s)
Gender dysphoria can be split further into different categories of how they experienced, such as physical (unease/etc. regarding aspects of one’s body, such as feeling some body part doesn’t belong or that some body part is missing), social (unease/etc. at the name/pronouns/titles/gender people use when they refer to you in social circumstances), and mental (one’s own personal disconnect/unease regarding thinking of themself as a certain gender/s or having to act as a certain gender).
Gender dysphoria can manifest through dissociation/depersonalization, anxiety, depression, unhappiness, physical discomfort like itchiness or the feeling of wanting out of your skin, and the like.
Body Dysmorphia - a mental illness where one obsessively fixates on some aspect(s) of their body which they view in a negative, distorted light
This often involves spending large amounts of one’s day stuck looking in the mirror and/or taking (often harmful) action to “fix” the body part one is fixated on
Important differences to note here are that dysmorphia is a mental illness (considered a part of the OCD type disorders) while dysphoria is not (it’s largely a result of societal treatment towards trans people).
As well, an important distinction is that in dysphoria, the person has a fairly human, realistic view of their body/gender/how they’re read and how that doesn’t align with how they actually feel/identify and that’s what causes the unhappiness. Ex. “I don’t/have [body part] and that’s not how I expected my body to grow/wanted by body to grow”In dysmorphia, the fixation object is seen in a distorted, unrealistic way. They are unable to see the body part how it actually appears no matter how many people - including doctors - describe it differently to them. There’s also often a component of feeling like something is so medically wrong, there’s an obsession with fixing it, which could be through things like unhealthy amounts of time working out, eating disorders, and multiple trips to the doctor to get their “physical issue” diagnosed.Ex. “I have the biggest, most crooked nose I’ve ever seen; I must have some deformity or growth issue a doctor should address”
I do understand how it can be easy to conflate these two experiences considering both can take up a lot of headspace and involve going to great lengths to fix/modify the object of unhappiness. Things can be further confused by the fact that dysphoria and dysmorphia can exist comorbidly. To help, here’s a bunch of personal accounts of these experiences.
What it’s like to live with dysphoriaDysphoria essayIllustrations of dysphoria
What it’s like to have dysphoria and dysmorphiaBody image with dysphoria and dysmorphiaDysphoria vs Dysmorphia
What dysmorphia is actually likeHow I realized I have dysmorphiaList of multiple dysmorphia experiences
Okay, ALL that being said, there’s a larger “issue” I see in your ask that I think is holding you back. Don’t worry! This is extremely common, especially in the asks we get here about questioning. No doubt it’s because focusing on something concrete and non-abstract like body parts seems so much easier, less confusing, and less overwhelming.
But remember: gender =/= your body configuration. Gender is not defined by your genitals nor your pronouns nor your name nor your amount of suffering (hey, cis people can also experience dysphoria and not all trans people do experience dysphoria) nor whatever medical intervention you desire or not.
Gender is much more innate and abstract than that. Gender is a gut feeling. Gender is a mental and psychological experience. Gender is something within you and so much bigger than something as simple as what body you have or want. Gender is something you do introspection on and look within and trust how you feel. Gender is impacted by the society you grew up within in that society influences our view of what gender is and what it looks like, and that can make it hard to sort out our own, inner feelings, but it’s something you have to look within to determine.
Instead of trying to pin down [x] and [y] and [z] aspects of yourself to plug into some equation to determine if you’re [gender], give a shot to trying out a label, sitting in it, and connecting with how you feel about that.
What does it feel like to identify as genderfluid to you? Do you want to identify as genderfluid? Do you think you want to identify as genderfluid? Does it make you happy? Comfortable? Safe? Does it make sense to identify as genderfluid to you? Does genderfluid help you communicate how you feel to others? Do you connect with the shared experiences of other genderfluid folk? Do you feel a connection to or sense of community with other people who identify as genderfluid?
If you answered yes to any one of those questions, that’s an excellent sign that you’re genderfluid! Sometimes it can take days to weeks to months even to years to come to a final decision about these feelings, but it often does require giving yourself just a little time to come around to the idea of identifying as [gender] so you can truly explore what it means to you beyond the possible initial, defensive reaction of “it can’t possibly be me” due to cisnormative and cissexist reasons (like “I didn’t know when I was young, so I can’t be trans” or “I’m obviously just trying to feel special”, etc.).
It’s confusing, but give yourself time and space to think about it - you’ll sort it out and figure out what makes you most comfortable! It’s also awesome that you have a good friend to talk things through with. =)
~Pluto
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( park chaeyoung , twenty two , & cisfemale ) who ? these days , it’s all about blue hyong, who comes from los angeles & ca and is making headlines as a singer . she currently has a fan count of 42k , no thanks to the rumors of them being inflexible ! but , on the other hand , their most devout fans say they’re actually imaginative . last i heard , they caused quite a buzz when she publicly dissed her new record label and the misogynistic treatment she was receiving from their reps ! it’s no wonder they remind me of long rants in the notes app being posted to her twitter account , empty bottles of wine laying at recording studios’ floors & notebooks upon notebooks filled with lyrics she might never use but refuses to let go of .
well hello human friends !! n also hello to the non human friends too , wassup . i’m angie a dumb noodle from the middle of the south american jungle , and i’m here to introduce yall to this mess i call blue who’s a muse i have had for yrs now n carry w/ me wherever i go , with some minimal changes but she’s still the same messy bitch on the inside don’t worry folks ! so i will provide u w/ some background info on her n some possible connections under the cut . issa lil messy but we’ve been away for a while pls bear w me
blue is the only daughter to a couple of south korean immigrants that came to america when they were in their very early 20s n already expecting blue in order to chase the american dream n create a better life for themselves n their family . their life was pretty hard for a big part of blue’s childhood , while they were both studying n working odd jobs to pay for their education all the while taking care of a child . so blue didnt have the best childhood , not that her parents were bad or anything they just didnt have time for her . nowadays , they are a lot more comfortable in life , since her dad became a lawyer n her mom is a nurse , but they definitely didnt have an easy beginning .
ok so maybe bc they werent present durant most of her childhood they didnt notice a lol of signs that might have made things a lot easier for them , bc by the time they were available to emotionally be there , during her early teenage years , blue was already kinda a mess . she had grown up w very lil structure n refused the rules they tried to instill on her n was already used to doing things her own way . that lead to a lot of conflict between them , since they expected her to study hard n do well for herself in a nine to fiver when she was already sure art was the only way to go n while she did ok , she definitely wasn’t as good as her parents expected her to be .
so ... u know her teenage yrs were basic girl angsty she fought a lot w her parents n rebelled frequently n ran away from home like ... weekly , but she never rly had any real hardships . life was reasonably good but she always had something to complain abt ... just as she liked
[ MENTAL ILLNESS TW ]
but then she reached her late teens they all realized there was something going on other than the usual teenage angst she displayed all the time when she had her first manic episode . her parents thought it was a “ blue thing “ at first bc she was usually a very impulsive person n she rly didn’t have a habit of thinking before acting on her impulses , but her mom quickly noticed the signs of a manic episode when she realized how aggitated n restless she was , specially when blue described an hallucination she seemed to be having . they took her to a psychiatrist , she was admitted to a hospital n diagnosed w type 1 bipolar disorder n very quickly medicated . while the medication brought her out of her episode , n she was allowed to go home after her mood seemed to stabilize , blue also noticed it stunted her severely emotionally n decided ( against medical n parental advice [ pls dont do it fam !! take ur meds ] ) to quit her medication , falling into her first major depressive episode a few weeks afterwards . n for abt four years she’s been living w her disorder , n she doesn’t medicate at all . she’s super open abt her struggles n she has a Lot of them , specially w how much drugs n alcohol she consumes . i never said she was smart yall .
[ END OF TW ]
ok so as u probably assume , blue is an emotional mess . she has a very chaotic personality , n most of it isnt even from her illness or anything she just is a very chaotic person in general ? she is one of those artsy ppl who forgets to wash her own clothes so she ends up wearing the same dress for like , 3 days . she’s super outspoken n outgoing n rly easy at making friends if u can get past the dumbass energy she exudes 24/7 ? but yes just a very outgoing person n a outright mess most of the time . she is also soooo stubborn u will never get her to change her mind abt smth she believes to be right about in any way . u just cant . she loves a good time n loves partying n is the lack of impulse Queen soo if u got any bad ideas she is the one u should go for if u need any company . also .... so dramatic . she makes a big deal of everything n has 0 apologies abt that . just catch her crying over high school musical 3 or smth like that .
but yea on the bad side tho , blue takes up n gives up on projects so easily n she can be super fickle abt things in general . like , she will defend an idea for 7 hours but 2 days later she’s already onto smth else n doesnt even remember being so obsessive abt that other thing ? a mess . is also Quite abrasive ? if she thinks ur acting dumb shes not gonna be scared to call u out on it . can also have a Reaally explosive temper . not usually but specially during manic episodes she can be quite easy to annoy ngl . is very unreliable , especially if ur not too close .. tbh that is something connected to her disorder . when she’s on a manic episode , she will be too busy planning things she will never get around to doing or painting her entire house or spending 3 days awake n drunk writing 17 songs by herself . n during her depression is very hard to get her to do anything n even if she feels terrible , she rly cant be an available friend .
in regards to her sexuality , she’s an open bisexual and also is a crazy romantic n falls so hard for literally no reason . but like ... doesnt have the healthiest mentality for relationships ? not like in a toxic way but she will usually give 145% of herself at all times n honestly believes all of the ppl she falls for are the one (1) just wants to make things work no matter what . she’s v impulsive w/ meeting n falling for ppl tho so things dont rly end up working n she always ends up heartbroken over it . Well . At least she’s trying right ?
in regards to her career n art , she’s posted youtube covers n original songs for a couple years and gathered a decent following ? she wasnt huge or anything but she did get a record deal w an actual big label out of it a few months ago . blue was pretty happy abt it but then when the recording process started she realized they werent treating her as she thought she deserved at all ? which resulted on her taking her thoughts to some reps of the label n when she didn’t feel any difference in the way she was being treated she took it to the public ? which definitely caused quite a sitr bc she wasn’t a huge name but she was big enough ? so now she’s in some considerable trouble w her label but Also more famous than ever so they are choosing not to bury her for now ? she’s in some definite trouble though so it’ll be fun to see what happens next n what her moves will be ? spoiler alert : it’ll prob be smth dumb.
i still have so much to say but i’m so lazy wow . dont start ur intros so close to opening time folks thats my tip as an old internet auntie . OK SO ONTO SOME CONNECTIONS NOW
some label mates who she may or may not get along with ?
hookups !! she prob has a few she regrets too bc who doesnt am i right
best friends !! ppl who actually support her n she loves w no restrictions just love all around friends
exes </3 not gonna lie i have some sad ideas abt this one
good influence bc blue is a mess she needs one of those pls someone slap her head n make her drink some water
a fling she has feelings for but may not be requited ... i like my romantic connections to be angsty did yall notice
artistic soulmate !! someone her artistic bitch side just vibes with ? could be a songwriter or singer or anything tbh
some indecisive romantic shit where blue rly knows sh’s too messy n this person is too amazing ? but they still have feels so ... now what ?
this is p mcuh it ?? it has taken so long to finish this i hate myself but HEY if u like blue or dislike her u should hit me up so we can come up w some plot ideas ? i wish i had a quirky goodbye idea but my brain has just quit working guys so u get nothing from me other than a good old fashioned goodbye thanks for ur attention i love u
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