#ok so the reason he calls you shrimp-fry

[strawberrymilk-sunshine]

You get no say in it

if you're wondering why I wrote this blame the chapter of the Halloween event where Octavinelle scares the Magicam monsters

...I hope this is good

Warning(s): reader has a kind of controlling parent, child reader, platonic yandere Floyd!! (not proofread)

Your father brought something home a while ago. Something strange, something you've never seen before.

Your father called it a monster. But, to you, it looked more like a human than a monster.

You thought it looked pretty. He had two different coloured eyes, his body was a teal colour, and his hair was too, with a strip of darker teal falling over the left side of his face.

You wanted to be his friend! But... you know your father, and he would never let that happen...

"(Y/N), you are not to speak with that monster." Your father commanded. "Do you understand?"

"Yes father!" You told him, knowing for a fact that you were absolutely going to speak with the monster the moment your father left.

"Good. I'll be back soon, (Y/N)."

"See you soon, father!" You said, focusing once more on the thing you' been drawing.

The moment you heard the door slam shut, signifying your father leaving the building, you ran as fast as you could to the basement. The basement was used to store your family's treasures, including the monster.

You walk up the old rusty stairs. You got to the top of the platform that led to the large water tank. You got down on your knees, causing the old staircase to shake.

You stuck your hand in the water.

You yanked your hand out of the water before the jaws bit your hand off.

"Hi!" You excitedly said to the monster. "What's your name?"

"You're a weird one." He said asked. "Every other one of you I've met's been scaaaaaared of me~"

"Well I'm not!" You said. "I'm not scared of you at all!"

"Why aren'tcha~?" He asked. "Ya got lotsa reasons to be scared of me. I mean, I've got two sets o' teeth, plus I swallow prey whole. Alive. Ain't that spooky?"

"That's so cool!" You said in amazement.

"...really?"

"Yeah!!"

"Huh. You really are a weird one, huh?" He looked at you in amusement. "Fine, I'll answer your questions, I guess~"

"So what are you? Father says you're a monster but I don't believe him!" You told him.

"I'm a moray." He responded.

"And what's your name? I wanna be your friend!"

"My friend?" He asked. "You're so strange... wanting to be friends with a monster... but fine, Little Shrimp-Fry, I guess I'll be your... friend." He said, giving a wide grin. He lifted his hand out of the water, wanting you to shake his hand. "My name's Floyd, nice to meetcha~!"

You made a friend!!

Your father doesn't exactly let you leave home, so you don't really have any friends...

But now you have one! You have someone to talk to, someone to play with, though you can never let your father know.

You visit him every single night, making sure your father never knows.

"So, Shrimp-Fry, what's your family like?" Floyd asked you one night.

"My... my father runs a very successful and powerful business, but I don't know what it is... and mother isn't around much, I don't know why."

"...I have a twin brother back home." Floyd told you. "We look a lot alike... you probably wouldn't be able to tell us apart if he was here with me."

"Do you miss him?" You asked. Floyd looked shocked for a moment.

"Yeah... yeah, sometimes I do." He admitted. "And, a-and we have this friend, Azul, yeah? He's an octopus! And he can grant anyone any wish they want, for a price."

"Any wish?"

"Impressive, right~?"

"Do you miss your home...?"

"Of course I do, Shrimp-Fry...! I mean, it's... it's my home... it's hard not to miss it." Floyd told you. "But if I'm being honest..." He sighed. "I don't think I'll ever get to go home. I think I'm just gonna rot away here... nothing more than a novelty to your kind."

That's right...

Your only friend isn't here willingly.

Whenever you talked to him, he'd tell you all about the sea.

How beautiful it was, how much he loved it...

How much he missed it.

You felt sad for him. You can't imagine just suddenly being taken away from your home and being treated as just some trophy.

You don't want to lose him, but wouldn't he be happier in the sea...?

You want to help him.

You began drawing up escape plans for you and Floyd. The two of you are going to escape your father's house together.

The night you finished the plans, you immediately went to show him.

You gave him detailed explanations of all the different crayon drawings.

"You sure that'll work, Shrimp-Fry?" Floyd asked, tilting his head to the right. "Not to doubt you, but-"

"(Y/N)?!" The man stormed up the rusty stairs as you stood there, completely frozen in fear. "(Y/N), your father has told you many times you are not allowed to speak with the monster. OR to enter the basement!" Your father's assistant yelled.

"I-I'm sorry! I just wanted to-"

The man picked you up.

Floyd watched it all happen from the water. He didn't know why he did it, maybe because you were his only way of escape, but...

He grabbed tight onto the man's ankle and pulled him into the water.

You watched everything happen from the platform. You watched as the crystal clear water became more and more red.

The man didn't resurface, but Floyd did.

Most of his face was covered in blood.

"Eh? What's wrong, Shrimp-Fry?" Floyd asked, noticing how scared you looked. "You're safe, you aren't hurt, so what's wrong?"

"I-is he... ok...?" You asked, terrified.

"...yeah. Don't worry about him, Shrimp-Fry. He'll be fine. You just go off to bed, m'kay?" He reached out of the water, and patted your head with his blood soaked hand. "We'll talk more about escaping tomorrow night."

You discussed your escape plan with him every night.

And eventually comes the night you decided to put your plan into action.

You grabbed Floyd's hands and began attempting to pull him out of the water.

It was harder than you'd expected, but you got all of him out of the water eventually.

He was much longer than you'd thought, and heavier too...

Thank goodness you live close to the sea.

You dragged Floyd through the hallways and then, you ran into the one person you didn't want to.

Your father.

"Can you... close your eyes, Little Shrimp-Fry?" Floyd asked. "I have some personal business with this one."

You saw your father's look of absolute terror as this mock-human monster he'd taken as a trophy crawled towards him with murderous intent.

You squeezed your eyes shut and covered your ears with your hands as Floyd began to attack your father.

After many minutes passed, two wet hands grabbed yours.

"Start walking, Shrimp-Fry. It's probably better if you don't open your eyes yet... I'll let you know when you can." Floyd told you.

You trusted him.

You kept walking through the hallways, your eyes still tightly shut.

"I think we're far enough away now..." Floyd whispered to himself. "You can open your eyes now, Little Shrimp-Fry~!"

You realized that Floyd's hands and face were once more covered in blood, and your mind came to the terrible realization of what happened.

"Is he... dead...?" You asked.

"...don't worry about that right now, Shrimp-Fry." Floyd told you. "Just keep on pulling us towards freedom!!"

When you finally made it to the sea, you were ready to say goodbye to Floyd. Since your father's dead now, you won't have any issues making friends!

But then...

You were pulled into the sea along with Floyd.

"Ahhhhh... it feels sooo good to breathe the saltwater again..." Floyd said. "Thanks for everything, Shrimp-Fry~!"

"Um... y-you're welcome." You nervously responded. "Can you put me back on dry land now...?"

"Are you kidding?! Of course not, Shrimp-Fry!!"

"What-?"

"I waaaas planning on just leaving you for dead once you got me back out here, ehe... buuuuuut then something changed." He explained, holding tightly onto you as you got farther and farther away from the shore. "I'm not sure what changed. But now... I don't want to ever let you go, Shrimp-Fry..."

"NO!" You screamed. "I-I WANT TO LIVE ON LAND! I W-WANT TO BE A NORMAL KID! I WANT-!"

"Shhhhhhhhhhh... everything'll be oooookkkkk, Shrimp-Fry~"

"You're a part of my family now... you don't get a say in it."

[brites]

ok so tsukkiyama have graduated high school and are in different universities and haven't seen each other for months (so much schoolwork) and eventually yams can visit for a weekend and hoo boy. tsukki's no stranger to the freshman 15 himself but yamaguchi takes it to a whole new level and tsukki's just like whoa. they end up hanging out in the dining hall (1 card swipe=all day food) and they start out just eating lunch but then somehow it turns to tsukki stuffing yams until like dinner

From Yamaguchi: Tsukkiiii I can’t find youuu T_T

Kei sighed as he stared down at his phone. He honestly hadn’t thought trying to meet up with Yamaguchi would be such an ordeal, but apparently Yamaguchi couldn’t follow directions for shit.

To Yamaguchi: just meet me at the dining hall. follow the signs ask for help i don’t care but please don’t text me again

From Yamaguchi: Sorry Tsukki ^^;

Kei rolled his eyes, pocketed his phone, and started making his way towards the dining hall. In all honesty, he was… really excited to see Yamaguchi. They’d been trying to visit each other for months, but university took a while to get used to, and then there were exams and coursework, and then Yamaguchi’s family took him on a cruise over winter break, so yeah, they haven’t seen each other in a really long time.

Arriving at the dining hall, he leaned against the wall as he waited for Yamaguchi, rubbing his hands together to try and get some warmth back into them; he really should have a brought a coat (it was the middle of winter what was he thinking).

“Tsukki!”

Kei looked up, small grin working it’s way across his face (unbidden) as he saw Yamaguchi running towards him, and suddenly he was being engulfed in a hug. Now, Kei wasn’t usually one for physical contact, but this was Yamaguchi, and they hadn’t seen each other in months, and his touch actually felt really fucking nice.

“I missed you so much,” Yamaguchi said, warm breath puffing over the exposed skin of his neck. Kei grunted in response.

After a few moments, Kei pulled back, finally able to drink in Yamaguchi’s appearance. His skin was tanned, most likely from his recent cruise, and his cheeks were pink with cold. His hair seemed to have grown out a bit, as well, judging by what Kei saw peaking out from his beanie. And, for some reason he couldn’t quite put his finger on, Yamaguchi looked… younger, than when he last saw him.

“Well, let’s go to my dorm, I guess,” Kei said, and started walking in that direction.

“Um, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi called, not having moved from his spot. Kei turned back to him and raised an expectant eyebrow. “I’m, uh, kinda hungry,” he said, almost sheepishly. “I missed lunch.”

“Oh. Let’s eat, then.” And he walked back to the dining hall, beckoning Yamaguchi to follow him.

Swiping his meal card for both of them (much to Yamaguchi’s protests that he should pay for his own), Kei led his best friend to a table in a corner near the back, one he often frequented when he didn’t want company during meals, or when he was trying to study.

“So, what do you want to eat?” Kei asked, brushing off the light dusting of snow that had fallen on his shoulders. When he didn’t receive a response, he looked up to see Yamaguchi with his coat thrown over a chair and wiggling out of his sweater, the shirt underneath riding up and –

Oh.

Oh.

Okay. That made sense.

Now, Kei was no stranger to the freshman fifteen. He’d seen many people fall victim to it – he, himself had even put on a few pounds (maybe five. ten, max.) – so this was nothing new, but… Yamaguchi…

His eyes raked over the curve of Yamaguchi’s stomach from where it peeked out underneath his shirt, the extra layers of flesh that pressed over the sides of his too-tight jeans, which strained against his beautifully rounded–

“Tsukki?”

Kei flushed bright red as he brought his eyes to meet Yamaguchi’s, who looked equally as embarrassed. He wanted to say something like, “sorry for staring at you but you put on weight and now your ass looks amazing,” but his mouth was dry and he probably shouldn’t be saying things like that anyway.

“Um, yeah,” Yamaguchi said, tugging his shirt down, though it still stretched tightly over his stomach, clinging to his love handles and leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. “The food on the cruise was really good.”

He felt like he needed to respond, but the only thing Kei was able to let out was a small, “Oh.”

Yamaguchi looked up to the ceiling and rubbed the back of his neck, cheeks still flushed red. “I know, I need new clothes, and I should probably start working out again–”

“Yamaguchi.”

The other boy’s eyes snapped to his. “Yeah?”

“Stop talking. We’re going to get food now.”

Yamaguchi cocked his head to the side, brows furrowed and lips pursed, almost like he was examining Kei, and Kei had to avert his eyes from the intensity of his gaze. After a couple seconds of this, a loud rumble broke through the silence. Yamaguchi let out a small chuckle. “Yeah, food sounds really good right now.”

As it turned out, setting Yamaguchi loose on a buffet style cafeteria was proving to be a huge mistake. While Kei had settled on a simple tofu and vegetable stir-fry, Yamaguchi had come back to the table with a plate overflowing with the different options offered. Was he going to eat all of that?

As he watched Yamaguchi tear into his food, Kei’s own meal was left forgotten. When Yamaguchi noticed this, he looked up at Kei, chubby cheeks puffed out with a mouthful of food, and said, “Do you not like your food?”

“Oh. Um.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m gonna get something else.” And he didn’t know what he was doing, but he pushed his still mostly-full plate towards the other boy. “You can have this,” he said.

Yamaguchi nodded slowly. “If I have room, I guess.”

And, for some reason, this caused Kei’s heart to jump in his chest, so he abruptly stood and went to get more food, trying to squash down the weird feelings bubbling up in him.

He returned a few minutes later, plate piled with much more than he could possibly eat. Yamaguchi looked at him questioningly, and Kei shrugged. “It looked good.”

“Aren’t you a vegetarian?”

“Yeah?”

“You got shrimp tempura.”

“Oh. Seems like I did.” He wasn’t even conscious of getting it. Honestly, what was his subconscious trying to do? Where was this fixation coming from? And what was it for? The food? Yamaguchi’s new appearance? Yamaguchi? He didn’t think he wanted an answer to this right now. He could probably just let this play out and see where that goes.

So he sat down heavily and sighed. “And now it’s touched all the other things. Guess I can’t eat any of it. I’ll just have to throw it away, then.”

He cut a glance towards Yamaguchi, almost finished with his first helping of food and shifting in his seat.

“What a shame.” Kei clucked his tongue and sat back in his chair. “All this good food going to waste.”

“I can eat it?”

Kei smirked. “I don’t want to force you, or anything.”

“No, honestly, it’s okay. I’m sure I’ll find room,” Yamaguchi laughed and skimmed a hand over his stomach. Kei felt his heart jump into his throat and his eyes inexplicably drawn to the movement. And somewhere between the second and third plate, Kei, himself, was drawn towards it.

He wound up next to Yamaguchi after getting yet another plate of food. He could now see up close what all the food was doing to his best friend. His shirt had ridden up, revealing a stripe of tanned skin that Kei was just itching to touch. He shouldn’t, he knew he shouldn’t, there were other people around and this was already fucking weird enough as it was, but it seemed like his brain was no longer connected to his body because the next thing he knew, his hand was pressed against that warm, soft skin.

Yamaguchi froze mid-chew and looked at him, eyes wide.

Kei nodded towards the half empty plate. “Keep eating,” he said.

“Tsukki, what–?”

Kei let out an exasperated sigh, grabbed a piece of the tempura, and stuffed it in Yamaguchi’s mouth. Yamaguchi continued to stare at him, but accepted the bite nonetheless. After that, it seemed like they both made a silent agreement to not talk about whatever was going on.

And this continued for a while: Yamaguchi eating, Kei refilling his plate whenever it was emptied. Yamaguchi had slowed down considerably compared to when he had started, and would let out small huffs of breath as he rubbed into the taut flesh of his stomach. Eventually, Kei took on this job, massaging gently in between languid bites of food because he somehow ended up feeding Yamaguchi, too.

It was only when he looked out the window and saw that the sky had darkened did Kei realise how long they had been there. Abruptly, he dropped his fork, and it clanged on the plate. Yamaguchi slowly looked to him, eyes hazy, face flush, pink lips parted slightly as he let out pants of breath.

“Are we done?”

Kei cleared his throat. “Yeah. There are too many people here now.”

Yamaguchi hummed, closed his eyes, and leaned back in his seat, round stomach on display, shirt not even reaching his belly button, and it was at this point that Kei noticed that Yamaguchi had undone his pants button at some point. “I’m really full,” he said.

“I can tell.” Kei stood, and started collecting their plates to put away. “And pull your shirt down; we’re in public.”

Yamaguchi gave him a lazy smirk. “You know just as well as I do that it won’t cover anything.”

Kei glowered, but he felt his face heat up and could imagine the splotchy red that he was turning. So he took the plates and walked to the dish return.

Before he went back to the table – back to Yamaguchi, where he would have to lead the stuffed boy back to his dorm and give him belly rubs (and possibly feed him more later) – Kei braced himself against the wall, resting his forehead against the cool plaster to try and calm himself down.

What the hell just happened?

[coyoteimagines]

Let’s Get Cooking - Star Trek

“Do you think you could so a Star Trek cook off (Jim x Reader)? Where the crew is split into teams and have to bake something elaborate and the judging chef is like Gordon Ramsy and he insults the crew. Jim sucks at cooking and so does Bones and Ramsy targets them but they brush it off. Then the reader starts getting picked on Jim goes into overprotective mode and Jim doesn't know why he's acting like that... and fluff...”

AUTHORS NOTE: This is a part of my “Bored on the Enterprise Series.” You can read more of the series here.

“I haven’t cooked since before the academy Y/N. And even then, the most I could manage was toast.” Bones grumbled as he walked beside you.

“It will be fun.” You grinned.

“When I asked you to organize an event to relieve boredom…this is not what I had in mind.” Jim Kirk grumbled on the other side of you.

“Come on now boys. Chef Do’guez is one of the best chefs in this quadrant. And he’s only on board for the free ride to the trading station. AND he is just as bored as we are.” You slid a hand over a sensor, opening one of the doors to a formally empty cargo bay.

Now it had been turned into a makeshift amphitheater-type setup. A few dozen metal chairs, normally used for on board ceremonies and funerals, had been set up haphazardly in front of a platform where two small kitchenettes had been erected. Crewmembers were scattered throughout the bay, sitting in the chairs or talking in small groups. Scotty hopped off a box when you entered.

“Do you know how hard it is to replicate a blender?” He folded his arms, raising a questioning eyebrow at you. You smiled and walked past him. You took a step up onto the platform where a dignified man already stood, hands clasped behind his back. You clapped you own hands, drawing everyone’s attention.

“Ok listen up! As the ships morale officer, I’ve organized this special little event thanks to our esteemed judge, Chef Do’guez! Who wants to see the senior crew members suffer a little!?” You called out to the crowd. Your question was met with lighthearted claps, whistles, and various cat calls.

“Right then! Team A has McCoy, Sulu, and Uhura. Team B has myself, Kirk, and Scotty.” You pointed the crewmembers out as you called them.

“What about Spock!?” Someone called out.

“Commander Spock and Sulu are on duty tonight.” You explained. “Now Do’guez. What are we cooking?” The man took a long breath and turned to the crowd. He rubbed a small patch of beard on his chin before speaking.

“Earth Gumbo.” He said dramatically. “I’ll give you two hours.”

-------------------

The next two hours did not go by so smoothly. Almost everyone was covered in flour after several disastrous attempts at making a roux. No one on either team had any idea how to clean shrimp or get meat from a crab. Jim had somehow managed to burn the rice. And the giggled from the crowd had turned into an uproar of laughter when Sulu and Scotty had begun to cut onions, causing tears to pour out of everyone on stage. Keenser stood near the edge of the platform, saying something only Scotty could hear.

“SHUT UP! IT’S THE ONIONS!” Scotty bellowed as Keenser snickered.

When time was up everyone scooted closer as Do’guez came up to the stage. Two bowels had been placed on a central table. You stood with the rest of the senior staff behind this table as Do’guez came up and moved to Team A’s bowel. He swirled a spoon in the bowel before rising it to his nose, giving it a quick sniff before putting it in his mouth. He licked his lips and set the spoon down, straightening.

“Doctor McCoy. You are from the southern parts of Earth’s United States? Where gumbo is a common dish?”

“Uh…yes?” Bones shrugged.

“You shame your heritage then. This is vile.” Do’guez pushed the bowel away.

“Well dammit! I’m a doctor, not a chef!” Bones threw up his hands. Hushed giggle rose from the crowd.

“And one can only hope you are better at doctoring than cooking.” Do’guez walked to your team’s bowel. He narrowed his eyes and looked in the bowel.

“Captain Kirk. You are aware that you must use water to cook rice with yes? One does not just fry up dry rice.” Do’guez shook his head with disapproval. Jim just rolled his eyes and smiled at the crowd. Do’guez lifted a spoonful of your gumbo into his mouth. He swirled it around for a brief moment before spitting it onto the ground.

“VILE!” He roared. He spun to look at you. “This is not only filled with blackened crunchy rice, but bits of crab shell. You are supposed to remove ALL THE SHELL BEFORE YOU FEED IT TO SOMEONE!”

“I’ve…I’ve never had to prepare crab before.” You mumbled, a little shocked at the Chefs tone.

“There is no winner here. This is not gumbo. It is garbage!” He yelled before flicking his spoon at you. It thudded lightly against your chest before falling to the floor. The entire room went silent as the chef turned to leave. Just before he could, Jim lept over the table and grabbed his arm.

“Hey what the hell!?” Jim shouted. “This was supposed to be light hearted!”

“Cooking is not lighthearted Captain. It is the finest of arts. I am ashamed to have participated in this.” He tugged his arm away from the captain and began to walk out. Everyone watched with wide eyes as Jim followed him into the hallway.

“Jim! Let it go!” You ran after them, the door to the bay closing behind you. You sprinted a few steps and caught Jims arm just as he raised it to punch the chef.

“If you EVER throw anything, or talk like that to her again…I will strap you to a photon torpedo and launch it into the next sun we pass.” Jim hissed. Do’guez scrunched up his nose in distain and took off towards his quarters. You let go of Jims arm and stepped back, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Jim…Everyone knows he’s a bit of a jerk. That’s half the reason we put this together. The crew thought it was hilarious. I used the senior staff because I knew…well I thought they could handle his criticism.” You raised an arm to rub your neck.

“He threw a spoon at you.” Jim mumbled, turning to look at you.

“And a spoon is worth shooting him into a sun?”

“Well uh…” Jim began to turn red. “For uh…I would shoot anyone into a sun for you…”

You blinked and narrowed your eyes in confusion.

“I mean I wouldn’t because that’s a horrible thing to do. But I would definitely yell at a mean old man for you.” He continued to stammer.

“Why?”

“What…what do you mean why? You’re a part of my crew and he insulted you.”

“Jim?” You took a step forward and placed your hands on his chest. “Why me?”

Jim glanced up and down the hall, making sure it was deserted except for the two of you. He slowly raised his hands to your waist.

“Because I like you…” He bit his lower lip, trying to read your face.

“I like you too Jim.” You smiled, lowering your eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked, barely more than a whisper. You nodded. He moved a hand from your waist to your cheek and leaned in slowly. He closed his eyes and barely brushed his lips over your own before…

ACHOO!

You winced as the captain practically sneezed into your mouth. He let go of you and stepped back, a look of horror spreading across his face. You raised a flour covered sleeve to wipe your face.

“OH my GOD!” Jim almost squealed. “I am SO SORRY! There was flour in my nose and…”

He stopped speaking when you collapsed to the floor in a fit of giggles. You held your arms across your stomach as you slumped against the wall of the hallway, laughing so hard barely any sound came out. He sank to the hallway floor opposite of you, still looking scared to death.

“JIM!” You wheezed, trying to suck in air. “OUR FIRST KISS AND YOU SNEEZE ON ME!” Your stomach ached as you bent over, gasping for air in between the spasms of laughter.

“Im sorry!” Jim began to relax a little, letting out his own chuckle. You laughed for another minute or so before you were able to get the laughter and your breathing under control. Jim stood and pulled you up.

“Can we please forget that happened and try this again? I…really like you.” He gave you a sheepish grin.

“Oh I bet you say that to everyone you sneeze on.” You teased, reaching to pull his head down to yours.

[buffalohair-gazette]

101 Ways to Prepare Long Pork

RECAP FROM OCTOBER 9, 2010: With food shortages and famine encroaching on civilization it should come as no surprise that alternative food sources will gain more popularity as necessity dictates. The ‘junk’ fish people use to discard will find its way onto the frying pan by thankful and starving anglers in the near future. Bones will become the mainstay rather than Fido’s Scooby Treats; hmm Fido will look pretty tasty as well.

The 3-Day Chicken will become commonplace once again provided there are chickens. But when things get dicey and sustenance becomes nonexistent, for a host of catastrophic reasons, the dead guy lying next to you may very well hold the key to your existence. Welcome to the dark side of survival, where a person is forced to lift a fork and consume a fellow human being in the age old culinary adventure called cannibalism. Guess a person could use chop sticks or a piece of fry bread if they chose to.

Granted this is a very taboo subject and totally unacceptable under most conditions but there are times when dining on others is permissible. Throughout the ages people have been placed in situations where they either died along side others or ate from the flesh of the dead. It was once said that Columbus cut and quartered plump native kids then pickled them in wood casks for his first return trip from the ‘New World’. The Donner Party as well as Al Packer comes to mind in American cannibal lore. An old sailor once told me about an unwritten maritime law where it was OK when stranded in a lifeboat to eat a fellow crewman if they expired before you. The Andes Flight Disaster of Oct. 13 1972 where a Uruguayan airplane crashed in the Andes with a soccer team onboard was a classic case for cannibalism and survival. So please bear in mind that the situation must be extreme before people are added to the menu. And in no way am I condoning human flesh as ‘the other white meat’. Personally I prefer legs and thighs, dark meat please.

Let’s say that you and a group of your friends and family survived the time of change and dodged all the bullets man and nature tossed your way. You’ve built a compound with all the amenities your group needs such as living quarters, kitchen and crapper. Reverting to hunter gatherer techniques the hunters would go out in quest of food for the newly evolving clan. Others would scavenge through the ruins of civilization for just about anything useful to bring back to camp. Building materials, clothing, food and other items would be collected as the budding community grows. Eventually anything that was good would be picked through and all the food stuffs would be gathered. Weeks would pass into months then one day the hunters report that the wild game is disappearing.

As time progresses, the hunters come back empty handed more and more. Food stuffs gathered from the ruins of civilization become depleted and the villagers are getting hungry. Daily, people begin to sicken as starvation and disease sets in. First it’s the elderly then the children start to die. The healthiest people begin to succumb from the pangs of starvation as well. Then a bulb lights up in your head, “Why don’t we eat Uncle Otis? After all, he’s dead anyway.” In all reality there would be allot of soul searching before a fork touched Uncle Otis since it’s not normal to eat people, let alone a relative. Whence all the tears were shed and you made your peace with the Creator it’s time to prepare supper. Where would a person start when it came to eating human flesh? And where is Andrew Zimmern (Bazaar Foods, TLC) when you need him?

Long Pork (LP) has been slang for human meat since time immemorial. Interestingly enough human meat or LP has also been treated like pork since it must be well cooked before consuming. So now you have Uncle Otis on the chopping block. The first thing you should do is to dress him out. No, I don’t mean only take his cloths off but to remove the skin and the internal organs then save. Remove the skinned head and place with organs and skin in bucket. Be careful not to tear or puncture the stomach or intestines since the contents can taint the meat. At this time you should check the liver for spots since that would tell you if the meat is diseased or not. Hopefully Uncle Otis was healthy, other than the fact he starved to death. It is a sure bet he will not have much fat on him. Lean is good since triglycerides and serum cholesterol would still be an issue for some folks. LP is greasy and filled with antibiotics, growth hormones and other nasty chemicals that is in their feed so beware because human is also not Kosher or Halal.

LP would provide needed protein for survival in the form of chops and steaks. The back strap would be small but offer tender cuts of meat. Ribs are ribs and neck bone makes good soup. But if you had a grinder burger would be a good way to deal with other odd cuts of meat a human carcass would glean. With that in mind cleaning the intestines would be an excellent idea since you would be able to make sausage also. Hopefully you would have an abundance of salt to preserve your culinary bounty. If not, then it would behoove you to smoke all the meat for preservation sake. There is debate in some circles as to whether red or white wine should be served with LP. In this instance its rule of thumb that red wine should be served since in all actuality LP is a red meat. A vintage Cabernet Sauvignon would be nice. Side dishes are subject to tastes but if you had side dishes in the first place Uncle Otis would not be on the table. Spices are spices so season to taste and hopefully you packed a couple bottles of garlic salt in your survival pack. Just remember to cook until well done because LP may get you sick if served under cooked like other pork products.

There are other factors to consider as well. Is there water handy? If not and there is no possibility of finding any, you will soon be dead along side Uncle Otis within a week or so even if you drank his urine and blood. Thirst would trump hunger as dehydration turned your flesh into jerky. Delirium would set in well before you ever got hungry enough to stick a fork into Uncle Otis. Madness would ensue as your system shut down. Death would become your liberator. Worse yet, you are captured by others that enjoy the taste of LP who promptly tosses you on a make shift rotisserie. No salt, no pepper, not even a sprig of parsley. You are roasted alive without a hint of seasoning. How barbaric could it possibly be? Just to add insult to injury your captures would dine on your char broiled essence while drinking a poor quality pilsner beer. Have they no shame?

Seasoned or unseasoned there is no question that cannibalism is on the rise around the world. Starvation leads to desperation and cannibalism has taken on a new dimension in this era. Ritualistic cannibalism has gone off the charts as well. This is more ghoulishly macabre by design since it’s not about consuming human flesh for survival; it’s more about consuming people because you like it or some bonehead spirit told you to. The consumption of human fetuses for ritual or virility in stews and stir-fry crosses all continents. The scent of placenta soup still wafts in the air of some old world communities after a child is born. Would feeding fat Burmese refugee babies to leeches in vats of water be considered a form of cannibalism if people ate the leeches?

One such restaurant in Thailand specialized in meals prepared with leeches. Burmese soldiers sell infants to Thai human traffickers who in turn sell plump healthy infants to restaurateurs. The restaurateurs fatten up the child then placed them in vats so the leeches can suck the rich milk fed blood from the infant’s veins. The leeches would get fat and juicy then the chef would pluck one out of the baby/water mixture and into a wok filled with spices, vegetables and shrimp paste. To the joy of exotic food aficionados their dining experience would be complete with a piping hot plate of steamed rice and succulent leeches in its own sauce. The leeches would be semi sweet from milk fat yet maintain their musky and savory leech flavor through the ginger onions, garlic and tamarind.

So back to my moral dilemma, if the leeches are full of human baby blood when they are cooked and served would the person who ate the leeches be a cannibal? Would the diner be more of a cannibal if they knowingly ate leeches filled with baby blood? It is alleged General Than Shwe of Burma has taken part in sacrificial rituals involving the consumption of human flesh on more than one occasion. Ritual murder and cannibalism has become a military terror tactic for this criminal regime as well. Shwe is not the only one who practices this dark ritual, not by a long shot. Supermodel Naomi “Blood Diamonds” Campbell’s sweetie, Charles Taylor of Liberia comes to mind though I doubt Shwe or Taylor dined on leeches filled with baby blood.

If it were not for the fact I heard these eyewitness accounts from Christian missionaries and Karen refugees I would not have fathomed this reality. But after visiting and interviewing the survivors of Burma’s blood soaked regime it became clear torture and death was an excepted part of their normality. The only way to cope with the vivid images of gore from disemboweled bodies hung along pathways or to witness loved ones being butchered to death by a crowd of laughing sadistic soldiers is to raise the bar in what is perceived as sane. If not, a person would surely go mad from all the cruelty they endure.

Many of my Asian friends barely raise an eye brow during a bloody western horror movie. In reality they experienced much worse from barbaric soldiers before they came to America. Ritual cannibalism committed by Burmese soldiers was not a surprise revelation. In fact ritual cannibalism is more common than people think and it’s being performed on every continent, well maybe not Antarctica. From India and the followers of Kali to the USA and the secret sects & societies that roam the countryside, LP is on the menu. Maybe next time someone offers you some home made blood sausage you’ll think twice. Toss in a Kaiser roll some sour kraut and mustard, oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

In closing, eating people is not cool, generally speaking. Under the right conditions having a filet of Fred or a side of Sidney can save your life in the most extreme of conditions. If you have to eat Uncle Otis the right seasoning and preparation will make the most of your cannibalistic culinary adventure. After all, it’s not your fault you are starving to death.

So make the best out of a bad situation with a Cotesdeporc Charcutiere au Otis and a wine of your choosing. Just so you know, eating your neighbors is illegal in most Canadian Provinces though I am not sure about Quebec. It is anybody’s guess in America since politicians are known to eat their young.

But if for some reason your fridge is packed with LP chops and steaks now, you may be in need of an attorney. Ritual, fetish or simply because you enjoy the taste of human flesh is no excuse for cannibalism. The exception to the rule is if you’re one of the forgotten millions of homeless and starving people around the globe, bon appétit.

Your Devil’s Advocate

Buffalohair

[tyleroakley-obsessed]

Ed. Note: I’m happy to bring you this blog post from ILM contributor and Memphis foodie Stacey Greenberg.  Look who I found! Tuyen Le, the amazing woman who worked at Saigon Le in the Crosstown neighborhood, is now at Le Delights Bahn Mi and Pho in Cordova. For those of us who have been in mourning since Saigon Le burned down in 2016, this is excellent news. I’ve been twice now, once with friends and once with my monkeys & my mom. I’m here to inform you that if you live near Le Delights, you’re lucky, and you don’t live nearby – you have a very good reason to drive to Cordova. Le Delights is located in the old Osaka space, and has the same owners. Despite being in a strip mall, the inside feels airy and bright. Everything seems nice and new, and the layout and decorations are lovely. You’ll find it on Macon Road at Germantown Parkway, near the Cordova Malco. They don’t serve alcohol, but they do allow you to bring in your own. As far as drinks go, they offer energy drinks with chia, tea, coffee, and smoothies. They also have my favorite, salted lemonade, which is made with fermented lemons. Tuyen isn’t officially cooking at Le Delights, but her famous Saigon Le vegetarian egg rolls are on the menu, listed as Le Delights Vegetarian Roll. Made with tofu and vegan ham, they are just like you remember. They come served with a plate of greens for wrapping (cilantro, basil, etc.) and tangy dipping sauce. (I don’t exactly know what vegan ham is, but I dare say it tastes like meat.) vegetarian spring rolls The appetizer section also features an amazing selection of specialty wraps and rolls. We couldn’t resist the beef jerky roll with shredded green papaya, shredded mango, and shredded beef jerky. Yes, beef jerky. But it wasn’t tough at all. Wrapped in rice paper with rice noodles and peanuts, it was tangy and delightful. beef jerky roll As the name suggests, Le Delights specializes in bahn mi and pho. Let’s talk about the bahn mi first, which is basically the Vietnamese version of a po boy. Served on French bread, it comes dressed with cucumber, green onion, and (deseeded) jalapeno peppers. There’s a salad of pickled carrots and daikon, fresh cilantro, celery, and two sauces on the side for fancying it up. There are two pages of bahn mi to choose from on the menu, including the original (steamed pork, pork sausage, ham & pork pate), spicy stone grilled short ribs, filet mignon, chargrilled lemongrass chicken, pan seared fish patties, and a vegan option with taro root and tofu. bahn mi I’m going to be honest, sometimes the pork pate on the original bahn mi weirds me out, so I was happy we tried the more palate-friendly chargrilled lemongrass chicken. Oh my, yum. I may have found the world’s most perfect sandwich. Hiding on the bottom of the bahn mi section is Le Delights Bao Tacos. That’s right, tacos made with steamed buns (bao). They come in threes and you can mix and match meats–honey glazed pork, grilled beef short ribs, lemongrass chicken, roasted pork belly, Vietnamese sausage, and vegan ham. The tacos are massive and would be enough on their own to get anyone full. They do not come dressed, but the same sauces and sides that accompanying the bahn mi are there for the taking. bao tacos Ok, now for their other specialty, pho. I am not a pho fan, but my oldest monkey is. He begged me to let him get the Kobe beef pho (at market price), but I talked him down to the filet mignon. It came in a huge bowl with all the fun fixings on the side and was spot on. He, and soon his brother, made sure there wasn’t a drop left. If you are craving pho, Le Delights is an excellent place to get your fix. They have vermicelli bowls too. the monkeys pho Over my two visits I also got a chance to try a few of the stir fries–the tofu, the chicken and the lemongrass shrimp. They were all colorful thanks to an abundance of veggies–bell peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, snow peas, onion and bok choy. The sauces were not overpowering and they seem like hearty, healthy options. stir fry And finally, there’s dessert. They have a number of sundaes and my crazy friend ordered one with durian because she once had a durian popsicle she liked. Let’s just say that durian is not for everyone. This fruit is known for its super stinky smell and even stinkier taste, but in its defense, it is considered a delicacy in many Asian countries. Tuyen made sure we really wanted the durian and offered to take it out, but my crazy friend persisted. It was…how shall I say it? Yuck. My other friend said it tasted like the ear medicine her mother gave her as a child. But! We were able to eat around the durian and enjoy the coconut ice cream, avocado, whipped cream and whatnot. durian shake If durian IS your thing, please note that there is also a durian smoothie on the menu. Personally, I would recommend the avocado smoothie which is the big seller, and actually delicious. After the durian disaster, Tuyen brought us a big plate of fresh fruit to cleanse our palates because she’s a sweetie. The pineapple, blood orange and papaya were a welcome treat. (On my second visit, Tuyen brought us a treat of tasty fried wontons.) vermicelli bowl She really wants to open her own restaurant in Midtown, but until then, Tuyen is enjoying seeing her midtown customers at Le Delights. She says if you catch her when it’s not busy, she’ll cook up whatever you like. She works Thursday to Sunday, but any day is a good day to eat at Le Delights as they are open seven days a week from 11 a.m. to 9:30 p.m. (and 10 p.m. on weekends). There are plenty of vegetarian and some vegan options. Go There: Le Delights Bahn Mi and Pho 8095 Macon Road Cordova, Tennessee 38018 901-207-2746 ledelightsmemphis.com About The Author Stacey Greenberg is a freelance writer who lives in Cooper Young with her two teenaged sons. She’s a contributor to Thrillist.com, Edible Memphis, I Love Memphis, and Memphis Travel. She’s also the author of the award winning blog, Dining with Monkeys (diningwithmonkeys.com). A lifelong Memphian, she loves the fact that she’s never met a stranger here. Are you a home owner in Memphis, with a broken garage door? Call ASAP garage door today at 901-461-0385 or checkout http://ift.tt/1B5z3Pc

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