#ok the last video is making me have a mental breakdown

[steddieonmywaywardson]

The Ghost (1990 movie) au nobody asked for!

“Argh! What the fuck? You’re here?” She shrieks. Before Steve can answer, she shakes her head as she begins to pace back and forth in front of the couch. “No. No. You’re not. You’re not here at all,” she babbles. “This was bound to happen. Overactive imagination. That’s what they all say. I’ve been watching too many movies. Concentrating too much on my script. It’s starting to bleed into real life and you’re just a figment of my imagination because I’m tired. Yup. That’s it,”

“I need your help Robin. I-“

“My help?” She laughs mirthlessly. “Oh no. No, no, no,” she’s shaking her head again. “I’m no help to anyone. I need to cut my hours at the video store…and I need to give the writing a break. Maybe go back home to Indiana. That sounds good right now…”

“I’m not a figment of your imagination,” Steve replies gently. He’s been so caught up in the fact that he’s finally found someone who can hear him, he’s forgotten how terrifying it must be for Robin. “I really wish it didn’t have to be this way, trust me, but you’re the first person since I died that’s been able to hear me,”

“Since you died?” Robin blinks. She’s still shaking her head in disbelief. “I can talk to dead people. Like some weird superpower or something…I couldn’t write this shit if I tried…” she slumps down on the couch and puts her head in her hands.

“You’re a writer?” Steve asks.

“Trying to be,” Robin replies, looking up. “Between taking shifts at a video store and an ice cream place to make ends meet,” she sighs. “And now I’m talking to you, as if I wasn’t having a mental breakdown right now. Who are you anyway?”

“My name’s Steve Harrington-“

“Uh huh. Do I know you or something? I don’t remember any Steve Harringtons…” she thinks for a moment. “Wait, were you the guy in my media class? The one who was always leaving his muffin crumbs all over the classroom floor?”

“No. I’m…well, I was a banker. Working near Tribeca-“ Steve answers.

“A banker?” Robin says incredulously. She rolls her eyes. “Why the hell would I make that up? I know nothing about banking!”

It’s obvious they’re getting nowhere but Steve needs to do this. He needs her to hear him so he can save Eddie from Jason.

“I’ll prove to you I’m real! Do you have last week’s newspaper?”

Robin narrows her eyes at him but she dutifully stands up and disappears into the small kitchen. A few moments later, she comes back with a crumpled newspaper, obviously rescued from the garbage. She sits back down and throws the paper onto the coffee table in front of her.

“Turn to page fifteen,” Steve says.

“Can’t believe I’m doing this…” She mutters to herself as she unfolds the newspaper and rifles through it until she reaches the right page.

“Left column, near the bottom,” Steve instructs.

He watches as Robin’s eyes dart across the page and stop when she reaches the article. Her eyes widen.

“Ok so….that doesn’t prove you’re real,” she says after a minute or two. “If anything, it proves my overtired theory. I clearly read about you and now my subconscious is manifesting you,” she explains. “Yeah, I took psychology in college,”

“Please Robin,” Steve says desperately. “I know this is a really shitty situation, OK? I’m dead. I was murdered actually and I’ve been taken away from the love of my life and it just so happens you’re the only person I know of that can hear me. Do I wish it was different? Fuck yeah I do. If I have to…be dead, then why can’t it be my boyfriend who hears me y’know?”

“Your boyfriend?” Robin suddenly looks interested. “You’re gay?”

“Yeah but-“

“Huh.” Robin replies. She opens her mouth as if there’s going to be more, but shakes her head again. “So…why do you need my help?”

[italianpersonwithashippersheart]

Dead Friend Forever - Post Ep 8 Theory Recap

This has taken a few days because I wanted to get all my thoughts in order. This show continues to be amazing and it continues to make wheels spin in my head. I am very happy that more people are starting to watch this amazing show.

Firstly I wanted to shout out some amazing post I have seen since episode 8 came out:

First this post for all the people readings this that have not caught up with DFF and are worried about Triggers/Squicks and the horror stuff there is this post by @wen-kexing-apologist

This post about the argument between Non's parents by @fracturediron

This post analyzing the movie posters in Non and Jin's room and what that might mean for the plot @lukaherehelp and this other post about the posters here by @syrena-del-mar

These two posts by @mikuni14 here (which raises an important point I will eleborate on later) and here (about Non's fate, an opinion I share, aka Non is dead - Although I wouldn't personally put it past Dr Sammon to find a way to have kept him alive that makes sense, like @respectthepetty point out here both Dr Sammon and the Pit Babe writers are not strangers to a character being "dead" then revealed to be alive. Of course both writers have killed a character before, but under very different circumstances, so it's not like there is no hope at all)

And finally last but not least this theory about Tan being New that I find very interesting here by @tbhimnoteasyonmyself

Ok now onto my thoughts.

I wanted to take a moment to appriciate how nuanced the depiction of Non's breakdown was this episode. So many horror stories relay on mental illness and disability to make their killers scary or crazy or deformed, that I have been worried about how this story will use those aspect of Non going further. While those worries have not gone away completely. They have significantly calmed down.

The writing makes it really obvious that it wants us to root for Non, and wants us to be at his side, and it's also makes it very clear that Non's breakdown this episode was due to all the factors componding, the bullying, the thing with the mafia and the cops, the money, family pressure, the thing with the teacher, the thing with Phee, it all just came to a head together. The breakdown doesn't rely soley on his mental illness.

The next part I found very interesting this episode was the argument between the parents and the absense of Non's brother still.

I think the fact that we have not seen Non try to reach out to his brother for comfort at all makes me think that their parents (especially their Mom) different treatment of the two of them drove a wedge between them. Which is probably going to make New even more angry and guilty. @tbhimnoteasyonmyself pointed this out in his post and I agree I do not think New has been told about anything before Non went missing, and given the fact that he is abroad, he might have not have had the oppurtinity to come back before. Althought if he is in the USA then there should be a way for him to say to the University, my brother went missing I have to go back and be allowed to do that witouth a major impact on his school. So I am assuming he went back after Non was called missing. Either his parents caved and told him, or someone send him either the news or the video of his brother online and then he got his parents to tell him the truth.

I am very curious about his mental state and why he is being kept so secret. The fact that there are no pictures and Non doesn't talk about him can be explained by the extrangment in universe, but I am more curious about the narrative/out of universe benefits/reasons for introducing New so late in the game. If he is Tan then we lost valuable time with a memeber of the cast, and if he is not then that actor is going to have to work double time to sell us on his character in such a short ammount of time.

Which brings us to the big mysteries, the things I am most curious about besides New, which are 1) Why did it take them so long to get revenge? 2) How many killers are there, and what is their plan exactly?

Like @mikuni14 pointed out in the post I linked above, it seems really weird that it would take them 3 years to get to their revenge plan. It doesn't really feel like it would be all that complicated to get that bunch of boys drunk or high and get some information out of them. So why wait? What killed their momentum?

I read a post (that I can't find anymore sorry) talking about how Keng seem to be working for someone to get information on Tee's Uncle. And that got me thinking about the shot of the newspaper with the news about Tee's Uncle

Which I can't translate fully but seems to hint that the uncle is being investigated about money laundry.

So, what if whover was working with Keng (probably journalist) are helping Phee and New/Tan (writing them like that because I am not sure if they are the same person or not) investing their brother but in turn they have to help them with Tee's Uncle. I'll explain.

If my theory about three killers is correct, then New is going to be someone else, someone older. He and Phee are going to connect first. Then they are going to get caught snooping by whover is building a case against Tee's Uncle (I am leaning towards journalists, Dr. Sammon as used the investigative journalist characters before), in which case Tan could be working with this other person. And this person team (side not Perth, could be a member of this other team as well, he went from background in a shot to rubbing Tee's Uncle shoulders in the most recent episode) could coinvince Phee and New to help them, you help us with the this mafia guy we help you find out what happened to Non.

I think this theory works both with New being a third person and with Tan being the brother. It would just mean that they are getting helped by someone from this other team. I am voting for Perth because he has a connection to Tee and I have seen a lot of reactions video clips from the cast to various episodes and he is always with them, like he is playing an important role not just a random side character.

It could explain why it's taking them so long, they have to take out the Uncle first, he is the big shot, the real criminal, the one with the weapons. The one that actually knows what happened to Non. Which means that if he is dead, Phi and New might have just gotten confirmation on it, which would made them pretty damn angry. And it would mean that them asking questions to the boys was less about figuring out what they did and more get them to confess.

That is all I have for now. I really love how much this show is getting me to ask questions and giving me a push to make more posts. This show continues to be great and I can't wait to see the finale.

EDIT: Literally just saw this post on @respectthepetty's blong but apparently the Uncle is dead. I am going insane.

I think my theory still holds. I am definately sure there are three killers and Perth is helping the third killer or is the third killer (depending on If Non is alive, which is looking a bit more likely, if Tan is New or if New is someone else).

I now think that this other team/person that was getting Keng to help was not a journalist but had their own motivations. Like a vigilante maybe, someone who killed before and who would be 100% comfartable taking out a guy by decapitating him, like with Uncle Dang??

But it does makes sense it's taking them this long, Tee's uncle look like a big shot it must not be easy to take him out.

[drysdaleknieslee]

omg i need a gabe perreault fic!! it can literally be anything, i just love gabe😭😚🤍

I'm so sorry for making you wait but I'm gonna make this a cute little fluff for Gabe  :)

The longer you looked at this homework the more it made you want to throw your computer, crawl under your cover and cry.

No notes or videos could make you understand the concept for this class and the test quickly approaching didn't ease your anxiety. Your boyfriend Gabe was really good at this but he had a game tonight and the last thing you wanted to do was burden him with your problems.

But answering the same question incorrectly for what seems to be the 2000th time, you finally break down. You can't stop the tears from coming as your frustration and anxiety got the best of you. You turn to look at the clock that reads '11:45'. You forgot Gabe said he'd come over after the game. You want to get up and make yourself more presentable but your mental exhaustion makes you sit in the same spot as you heard your apartment door click.

Gabe was home. And he was going to see his girlfriend in the midst of a breakdown with puffy eyes.

"Babe I'm back! We beat the shit out of St. Cloud. How do you want to-"

He opens your door to see a mess of paper around you, face only being illuminated by your computer screen and your eyes red and cheeks puffy.

The cheerful smile he once had for his teams win is now gone thanks to your breakdown. You try to wipe the tears away quickly and put on a fake smile.

"I'm fine Gabe, tell me how the game was."

"You're not ok and don't try to change the subject. What's wrong?"

The tears start to form again and your smile falters as there's no use in hiding it now.

"I'm struggling Gabe. This homework assignment makes no sense, I've stared at this question for almost an hour and I need to know this before the test in three days! And I'm exhausted!"

As you rant, Gabe crouches next to your desk and rubs your thigh gently as the other hand stroked your hair. He urges your away from your desk and pulls you into a bear hug.

"You don't have to struggle on your own you know? Why didn't you ask me for help honey?"

"I didn't wan't to burden you."

He backs away briefly while taking your face in his hands and looks into your eyes. "Your not a burden to me. I love you and I don't want to see you this way."

He pulls you into a hug again before the water works start again.

"We'll take a nap. Neither of us have class tomorrow. When we wake up your gonna eat, drink tea, and we'll work on this assignment together. Ok?"

You sniffle before mumbling a soft "ok."

You both climb into bed with his arms surrounding you as you lay on his chest.

"I love you Gabe."

"I love you too sweet girl."

That's the last thing you heard before feeling him kiss the top of your head and you drift off to sleep with a smile on your face.

You really do have the best boyfriend in the world.

[queencolondarkwing]

AngelicaASMR’s current change

This post only about any info posted as of 7/25/2023 (will update in future if needed).

Ok so I’ve been following the Angelica Asmr shit pretty closely (don’t expect me to comment on gwen gwiz too because that girl is a grifter from the start). And as a mental health worker it REALLY freaks me out for her. I worked in a rehab for awhile. For people quitting drugs, but many of them also had bipolar, ptsd, schizophrenia, and similar diagnosises (some people also had the behavior due to being in crisis as well due to loss, recent homelessness, police brutality, etc.). So I know what psychotic breaks look like. I won’t armchair diagnose anything specific because I am not her medical provider, but while I can’t say she has anything for certain - she has a history of manic episodes in the past.

As someone with ADHD, a history of sexual and religious trauma, and c-ptsd like Angelica, I can honestly see how she fell into this. As someone who is also anti-capitalist, I can see why she thinks finding community would be beneficial (not sure why she would choose the Catholic Church instead of something from less individualistic, Eastern philosophy doesn’t make sense to me personally though...) to finding growth in an online era of isolation following a personal loss in her life. It seems weird how she went from talking about her Jehovahs Witness trauma from her youth...to going full on Orthodox, but I’ll get into details on why mentally this is actually super common in a minute.

I can also see how she would become a SWERF after having done OF, since as a former sex worker myself (camming, porn, fssw) who quit doing it after being raped - I can safely say that I myself am neither pro or anti sex work. I’m pro-decriminalization to keep workers safe, but also do feel a bit sick sometimes that MOST fssw on the streets are marginalized people. It is a complicated issue with nuance that non-sex workers have no business taking a side on. However, she is very hateful recently and anti-sex in general. Which is an issue.

She originally joined OnlyFans during a manic episode. So she HAS a history of mental illness and making major life decisions during mania. 

She went from pro-lgbtq to anti-lgbtq. Deleted her old progressive videos. Claimed to be a victim of MKUltra. Started making up delusions around the Catholic Church being anti-capitalist (Catholics individually can 100% be leftists, but the Church itself is VERY Capitalist). She posted homophobic and transphobic tiktoks where she would yell practically incoherently. Lots of staring. Inability to talk without looking away and laughing (she is normally a skilled actress).  Posting WAY more frequently than ever(she reposted 3 deleted videos last night and deleted them by this morning). She posted a video and lots of shorts and is way more active on Instagram. 

 The worst breakdowns I saw working rehab mostly always cycled through 4 topics: fame/self importance, inconsistent political and religious rambling, and sex. Always. Angelica has shown inconsistent spiritual beliefs (she has been mixing up Catholic, Orthodox, politics, and other religions). She has been focusing on sex in the context of trauma and posted a short of her in a bathtub on youtube again. She has been posting and immediately deleting content that has even positive comments on it.

Some medical signs of possible mania and/or psychosis that she is exhibiting:

Paranoia, trouble talking in a clear way/rambling, withdrawing socially (posting more often/online more but also alienating from her former fans), Confused speech, trailing off/lack of focus in videos, Generally disorganized way of thinking, no sign of restraint in expressing self, racing speech, goal-directed activity (seems to have a new anti-sex work goal), distractable/trails off topic, random giggling at nothing at camera like it is a person she is conversing with...etc. Tbh the amount of red flags I’ve seen are alarming.

I hope she gets support and help. And it is one reason I can’t blame her as hard as I would most, because she seems clearly unwell.  It isn’t an excuse. At all. And I don’t blame people for not supporting her going forward, but I plan to keep an eye on the situation for now and am hoping that somehow she can pull out of this shit, because I’ve seen this shit happen to a LOT of people with hard lives. Hell, I’ve even lashed out in smaller degrees and been delusional during my own ptsd breakdowns too, but when people are as far gone as Angelica is...I don’t usually see them come back again to the same state they were in previously. I’m hoping for the best, as a former fan and as a social worker, but Idk.

[neonscreenlight]

ok so i was Thinking and then i came up with an idea: what if the new ivory video is a metaphor for burnout/demotivation. hear me out:

the first half of the video is formatted exactly like a typical minecraft video. ivory said on stream that it was meant to be a "playful jab" at them (something along those lines). now, the reason why so many youtubers make videos like this is because, well, they're popular right now, the algorithm gods bless those videos in particular, until it becomes oversaturated and people move onto the next trend. and having to constantly make things you don't like because it's your only source of money, and having that thing you need to make be constantly shifting without you realizing, is like, prime burnout fuel.

so halfway during the video, ivory's persona breaks down a little. she doesn't really like the clickbaity character she's put on and and doesn't even feel convinced by it herself. there's a quote from the video right after this breakdown that i think exemplifies this: "you and i have both seen this a thousand times before. the same thing regurgitated, like a landfill of sodden ideas." as if ivory is recognizing that she wants to make different content, but the algorithm isn't going to like that content, as well as the fact that every other youtuber is probably in the same boat.

and then ebony comes. ebony is actually pretty interesting in this interpretation, because she seems to be trying to make ivory do the good thing in this situation and take a break. she feels the same way about ivory's content being unoriginal ("wow, you take over the world! how inspiring, i haven't seen that one done before.", "but you agree! it's not what i want."), but is also trying her best to get ivory out of the situation ("i'm doing you a favour. just rest, you need it.") there's a few more interesting things in the forest world scene, such as ivory saying she's tired and "this is the part where you try to justify yourself". but despite ebony trying to get ivory to rest, ivory says that she wants to get out. she hasn't killed god yet, hasn't finished making the video. right before ivory hits the candle and the epileptic scene starts, ebony says "last time you did this you nearly tore yourself in half", which implies that ivory has already worked herself to death and experienced the consequences of that, and yet she's doing it all again, because she needs to do that for money.

the epileptic scene could represent something like a moment of over-stress or having a mental breakdown? as you might be able to tell, it's slightly hard to figure out what it means exactly. but it's obvious that ivory is in pain, and trying to keep working when she was exhausted was her tipping point.

and then flashing lights and breakcore and stuff and then bam it's a normal minecraft video again woohoo! for a few minutes, at least. the video ends with a mini glitch effect, which i think could symbolize that ivory has not broken free of her pain, she's just pushed it to the side so she could finish.

yes i have gone insane

[munamania]

hi everyone this feels wildly self centered and silly but i made a guide to my dyke drama/lore that i talk about in barely coded but convoluted terms. i love internet safety. doing this at the request of exactly one person and for the rest of u it's under the cut if youre curious and feel so inclined hashtag close friends <3 i highlighted my previous ways of referring to these people and important notes bc otherwise i just rambled soooo bad <3 and as much as im maybe romanticizing in some ways here i do genuinely care for and love (most of) these people outside of my weirdofreak brain and try my best to do well by them in our relationships. and maybe i just wanted to write beautiful things about my friends whatever

lydia: they're on here we met on here and now we're roommates. we met bc we were two of the only bitches posting in the muna tag and she was brave enough to reply to my one naomi video. and i was like um ok... FREAK.. and then yk we were mutuals but i was always paranoid they'd somehow know film girl or my roommates (or just. other ppl) bc i was being insane so that was awk but then i had a mental breakdown a little bit one night on here about my childhood and decorating for holidays and they offered to meet on campus and give me some leaves for my window and i was like aww (and we used them this year to decorate our shared apartment :')) and i remember i was wearing my black and white sweatshirt that i wore to go see dan live that ive since given away i think but it feels like. a sign u know.. or whatever.. and we do have mutual friends in weird circles including one that connects to steve (see later notes) so it's like chances are we couldve met in person but this just made it really special. we beef bad. but with sooo much love. and i do think we're better for knowing each other or whatever...

film girl: this was bad. i have a tag dedicated to anything i remembered to tag as part of the saga but it was so bad and beyond anything words can say... i'd give her another name but she could never be anything but film girl. it's like if u were there u know. if u weren't... let's just say i was crazy insane mentally ill bonkers jeff buckley lover you shouldve come over i know it's over. maroon 5 even about it. bad. but consider she leaned into me like she did her bf for their first kiss, said our night together when we went to our friend's party where she had dressed up as jennifer check (i showed her the movie it was a whole thing) and danced with me and talked right against my neck and grabbed onto me while walking and said she was maybe bi and i deserved someone really nice and im so swaggy etc and then going back to her place and making me food and watching himym on the floor (oct. 21st u will go down in herstory...) made her the 'happiest person in the world,' stayed over at my apartment until the following morning more than once, unwrapped her bruised hand and held it out to me to see/touch (absolute freaks moment like kill me actually. and that was the day i perioded myself. to use pj of bottoms' terms.) was just generally engaging in psychosexual warfare with me all the time. and we didn't even fuck. or kiss. and she had a boyfriend. who looked like a girlfriend (not that i personally had in february of last year but regardless..) i mean come on she was a straight woman she wasnt even allowed to say slay.. i genuinely still think we need to kill each other but it doesn't matter. how is she still linked to my life? well. we had a class this semester with steve and stede and lydia and scully (prof im in love with. this name is hilar), sort of friends with cool artsy queer girl group (hometown friends, one her best friend i almost met up with at muna concert (with her) one who looks a bit like jackie kennedy. ok not really but that's the one my one friend josh (woman) made out with last semester), had a class with steve and sam last semester with dave, our shared prof that steve told details of our first date and etc to.

steve: this is gonna be ex situationship from beginning of this semester - mid october. gets this name bc they're obsessed w that pirate show so like stede but i simply wont name them that and at this point im annoyed enough w their taste in things that steve feels fitting. anyway. was genuinely very kind and sweet but also got clingy soo fast and we were on very different pages. we'd met last fall (when they had a gf) and worked together on sets and in a couple classes, they kind of got caught up in my triangulation of desire for jane at her birthday party.. and i had fun flirting! um and they were genuinely again very very considerate and sweet but like. seemed to struggle to have a personality outside of their ex and maybe their siblings a bit. idk. just very passive. sowwy. also they were not a very good kisser. i do remember back in may being vindicated bc they also commented on film girl and bf

jane: naming her jane in a gay way. a jane austen way. in that i think we should write lifelong love letters to each other. holy shit shut up. so this is always 'friend im in love with' or 'a little in love with' or whatever. she is also girl with cool short hair and piercings and tattoos and a bookbag with tits on it so god forbid my infatuation. and i just love her voice and i think she's brilliant and so good at what she does and all around just like an awesome person she inspires me to be better and whatever. and she always dresses so cool and used to host house shows (i still never made it to one) (film girl did once) and when we first started talking we were at a film event and were supposed to be networking or whatever but instead we stood by the drinks together and talked abt how we both wanted to be friends in our writing class but never said it and thought the other hated each other a little bit but we were both just awkward and so we'd always make eye contact and laugh and banter together in class and i rlly was just in love with her. and this summer was crazyyy we were on steve's set together and i was a little freak just so obviously enamored with her but the thing is she was obnoxious too so i didnt even feel like a loser. she asked me to massage her arms once and said my half assed attempt was lame and we leg wrestled (also w steve. kinda funny. like yeah u would) and exchanged drunk stories and she said i needed better ones and then i beat her at stack cup at her bday and gave her her card and she hugged me and her lips were wet from the beer she just drank from and right on my arm and i was like wow. her kingdom (surrounded by people who she loved and loved her) for a kiss upon my shoulder. if u will. and i had to have a middle school Look Away moment bc she stripped in front of a few of us that night and i was far too intoxicated to not like lose my mind. also she was supposed to give me a book on set once but never did and im still bummed. and one random night she texted asking if id found a place to live and when i answered she never followed up and i still wonder what that was abt. if anything. um but she does have a boyfriend of like 5 or 6 years. from high school. the worst part is hes a semi cool dude but it's just like really. let her fuck a woman! just once even! jk they are both genuinely cool people first and i think it's great they found each other in this life. but also like fuck off ugh. yk. not to romanticize my life and friendships i just think in another life we were soulmates or maybe in a way we are now. but we also only knew each other for a brief time so maybe something else. we could've done backstreets

sam: friend i just mentioned recently who has a crazy name we shant get into it. i do have a different actual friend named sam but i havent seen her in forever. so i met them working on steve's senior film set and thought they were cool and they were one of the only ones to make it out to our post-wrap dinner/drinks and then we had two classes together this semester. and so we became sort of allies we'd meet up to go to the museum together and send each other the attendance and i went to see fnaf when he rented out a theater for a huge group lol and he helped on my film which meant a lot even if it was only for a bit cause of you know. the everything that was going on. with steve and etc. it wasnt easy to get there so like bless their heart. they also came up with the name for my film and we had that moment around the fire and well i do hope i'll continue to see them just as a friend even, and they're genuinely just the coolest they do a lot of drag and character/costume design and are genuinely just one of the funniest most down to earth ppl i know and they always have the coolest fucking outfits and hats and shit and omg they looked so good in their doc. just something abt the posture and the whimsy and the earnestness and look overall. woah. um when we were on steve's set my friend jackie leaned over and said 'i thought they were film girl for a second' so basically i need to redacted. but it's not like that bad of a resemblance. once again has a partner cause im cursed forever to sleep on a twin size mattress maybe or whatever. i havent even listened to that song more than like once but maybe it is real for me. anyway they were also in the class with steve and film girl with dave.

stede: im sorry this is so funny to me bc this person and steve go by the same name irl but spelled differently or whatever. we met and had a very energetic chat in the hallway at the beginning of this semester jim thought we knew each other lol. they're real cute and endearing and like i said kind of give butch. and we had two classes together but i had so much shit going on man i just. yeah. seemed like they were maybe a little into me but whatever. and well i think we should have a fling but who said that

jim: my buddy prof he's my buddy :-) he helped me so much sophomore spring as i was trying rlly hard to produce our class films and insane already over film girl (he didnt know that but it was omnipresent) and so close to dropping out and is just the coolest guy. he's a little bit like a father figure what who said that. i remind him of his youngest daughter a lot and ive lived in the same buildings as his older one. so just funny connections. i go to his office hours and such a lot with the film friends

grace: one of my film friends. (i just realized i do know a girl in film named grace but it's not her so anyway.) i am in awe of the way she commits to stuff and motivates people around her. she is just so game for anything to make the best of a situation. shes studying abroad this semester so ive only seen her on video chats/texted and missed the one day she came back for her bf's bday. well and she was the friend who said 'no he can keep himself busy' when we went to go see x together so she didnt make me hang out w her not even lame bf at first which was so nice. cause then i eventually actually did want to meet him. and theyre the least annoying couple ive ever met. and shes bi <3

jackie: another film friend. also love her dearly another stoner so we'd smoke together before class sometimes and just went on a walk with our other friend one night around the woods and stuff that was fun. i usually refer to grace and jackie collectively as 'the film friends.' we met in that spring of sophomore year (same class as film girl and jim). this one did have steve produce her senior film after they said they wouldn't work on mine bc of the ""situation"" i was a little sour that was an awkward um situation but it's whatever. i sometimes say film friends and mean a larger group of these ppl/a few extended but whatever

frank: ive just called him frank hes frank hes the coolest dude in the world i think everyone would be obsessed with him and i just think like man hes lived such a life. he's my short cool professor whos just so good at what he does. he's met so many people and done so many things. his van is so him he has a suction cup to pull his windows up in the winter and random albums in the front seat. im gonna try to work w him next semester. i was in that van last night feeling like i was in a gta level to go pick up pizza for our final class.

scully: my film comedy and tv analysis professor she is so everything to me... she loves women and evil women and gay people and camp and horror and comedy and tv and sex and just weirdo freak shit and shes so intelligent and quick on her feet and charming and just. an amazing lecturer. she said be gay do violence once. i felt seen. she said she used to pull her friends (favorite characters) out of the tv and carry them around in her pocket and i knew she understood... she saw bottoms and emailed me and lydia right away. and she's seen willow. and ofc so many other things. and she'll go 'this seems like the type of person/film/etc that you would be inspired by..' OK QUEEN I LOVE U. i want to do cocaine with her. huh. im taking gender and film with her next semester :333 im so excited

claire: friend from high school friend group who ended up ditching me and our other friend a lot that one summer and we almost lived together and we're just always kinda weird around each other but we were some of the only ppl the other hung out with fall semester 2020 so like.

drake and josh: i almost always refer to them together they're codependent a little bit roommates and i love them dearly and i met them thru claire sophomore year but ive hung out with them alone and stayed at their place when i got too drunk and that night i fell down the stairs. me and drake act a little homoerotic sometimes for fun. i cried at dinner over film girl once to her it was embarrassing. i miss going hammocking with them <3

dave: i had him last fall he's really cool he got me on a shoot w the mayor (and steve and jane) and was so cool about me not ocming to class a lot bc i kept in touch w him and hes my homie. film girl had a class w him then too and then last semester was the like news class that crew had together. and steve told dave all abt our first date and etc and got date ideas from him and i was like oh wow... ok lol

couch: couch roommate. theyre not relevant in my life enough to make a name but the couch story was stupid as hell and this one also left ground beef in the sink that one time and had a thing for a rugby girl that steve had a little fling with

jean: if i say 'one of my masc gfs' i probably mean them. sort of friends with couch like she was in my apartment once last year but um. yeah. had a crush on them for like a month at one point and we follow each other on insta and talked when we saw each other on campus the first time and thats like it. chances r ill forget abt this fake name and still just throw that in if i ever see her

[jaidethalagorra]

Things They Don't Tell You, Character Intro: Allie

If you're reading this, I'm going to assume one of two things. One: the zombie apocalypse is over and our skeletal remains are left in this house. If that's true, then this should serve effectively as a historical document, outlining what life was like during the Fall. Two: the apocalypse is still happening and you're a fellow survivor who stumbled across this house and found our skeletal remains. In that case, congrats on finding the holy grail of houses! (assuming everything in here still works). This house is solar-powered and completely off the grid with its own farm, water, and sewage system. It took us a while to find it, so take good care of it. This book will also help you to survive if you need that. I've taken the liberty of pointing out discrepancies between popular zombie media and what we're dealing with now. I hope it helps.

-Allie

Character Intro: Allie (Alexandria). Skills: Scavenging, Climbing, Stealth, First Aid Weaknesses: Sociability, Being Vulnerable, Driving Pronouns: She/her Sexuality: Lesbian Weapon(s) of Choice: Pistol, Hunting Dagger.

Preparedness: Allie is, in one word, prepared. Before the Fall, she was an avid enjoyer of zombie movies, books, and video games. Her knowledge of zombie media helped her shape her survival plan long before the apocalypse actually happened, and it's helped her survive this far. Her parents were a nurse and an electrician, and both of them were very outdoors-y, furthering her ability to survive longer than most everyone else has. Although her parents are now both zombies, she scavenges alone and far from survivor camps, trying her best to eke by. Over the last several years she's made several weapons and supply caches hidden around the city, and although she doesn't have a permanent home she's well known by many of the more communal scavengers. Ok, let's be honest. Is she a little overpowered? Maybe, but I wanted to play around with a character that, through sheer chance, was totally prepared for the apocalypse. And since most of the story happens as internal dialogue, it'll be fine.

Loner: If Allie was going to be described in another word after prepared, it'd be solitary. Her avoidance of other people is due to a long list of things, but primarily it's due to to her autism. Although it's definitely helped Allie survive due to her special interest in zombie media before the Fall, it's definitely been a detriment when trying to engage with other survivors. However, since the destruction of Haven, the biggest survivor camp in the city due to people getting infected and not telling anyone Allie has distanced herself from survivor camps since and she's pretty happy that way. Until she meets Jessica, that is. A note here: I feel like I may be explaining it wrong, but essentially it's due in no small part to her special interest in zombie media before the Fall that Allie started planning her survival plan. I myself am currently being tested for autism, and I'm doing my best to portray Allie in a way that doesn't make a character trait or a oversimplification of autism and aligns with experiences I've had as a (probably) autistic person. If you feel I'm portraying her in a way that isn't authentic or misses something important, please call me out on it.

The List: The story is told through entries in Allie's journal, Things They Don't Tell You About the Zombie Apocalypse. Although the journal is written after the events that take place in it, each section is a new entry in the list of things that zombie media gets wrong. Allie is making this mental list throughout the story, and it's really one of the things that drives the story forwards. The list in Allie's head is comprehensive and thorough, and really one of the only hobbies she has time for while trying to survive in all this chaos.

So yeah! That's my breakdown of Allie! There's a lot I've glossed over here, from worldbuilding about survivor camps like Haven to the rigor with which Allie's found her weapons to what Allie actually looks like. Please let me know if I should make a part 2 of her, or actually write some sections of her journal! Also, I'm so sorry for not posting since like. Forever. A ton of things happened at once and I was able to catch enough of a break to post a new thing. I don't know when I'll be able to make the next post. I hope you enjoyed this one though!

[theshimadaslovers]

"I'm here" (Hanzo version)

Summary: You're exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically, once you start crying for a silly thing, everything comes down like a waterfall. You breakdown. But...good thing you got your boyfriend.

Genre: Fluffly, drama, romance, partnership.

Warning: Mental health, strong language, breakdown.

You pov

"Dear diary,

This is my first time writing something so...I hope it works.

It has been years that I'm feeling unlucky, hopeless, not happy with my own self in many ways. I've veing fighting against every demon inside for ages, the way everyone's says for me to do it. I'm trying and why can no one notice?

My only escape from this feeling is, sometimes movies, series, video games and the most important...my boyfriend. I mean, we're not in a official relationship, but he practically live in my house and we sleep together, we cook together, do everything together and he's the only one who listen to every single word I say. I can see in his eyes... He's the one. Hanzo Shimada, my love, my light in the dark.

Everyone knows him as the grumpy old Shimada brother; but he's so much more than that! He pass trought so much pain to became who he is now and I'm with him on this road until my last breath. He saved me and I saved him.

Hanzo is out of town, again. Since he get accepted on Overwatch thanks to his brother, Genji, he's barely stay home. Missions and more missions; he's so important for the hope of every people on earth, I know, but...I miss him so much. I get so worried when he call me saying that Overwatch will have a mission against Talon...Only God knows what they could do with him, but I trust Jack Morrison with my soul to protect them.

And right now...I'm not feeling very well...

Hanzo...I need you save, my love."

-------------===========-------------------

You were home all alone, completely worry after Hanzo send you a message saying a bunch of stuff of the new mission against Talon, again. Your heart dropped in the moment you read about it.

"Hi, sweety, how are you doing? I hope you're fine...really, I miss you so much. I'm here to update you from our new and last mission, is been almost 3 months without seeing you, so... I'm kind a mess right now, is hard to focus.Talon is showing up again, so Jack is sending me, Genji, Soujorn and others to try to make them surrender on their own base, that actually we just find out a new one here in China. Is being months, honey... I barely called you. Hope you fine and I'm so sorry...I'll be back soon. I love you with my body and soul."

That was his last massage, weeks ago. You were scared, thinking about the worse and after reading the message again you felt a little of anguishing. Hanzo said to you; "If I disappear, don't worry, ok? I'll be only too busy to send some updates. Jack Morrison rules. Work first, women after and if something happened to me, they'll warn you". He never agreed with this, but, if a rules is given to Hanzo, he'll obey.

Well, Overwatch didn't call you, so...he's fine, right? Right.

You were working at your laptop, block the phone and tried to come back to your work and let a single tear fall from your eye. Wasn't enough, you notice that you would start crying out because of the worriers and stress, but once you always start crying, you don't stop. You try to focus, but the hiccups came and you breakdown on tears. Nonstop, out of nowhere. 2 minutes ago you were "fine"; Hanzo always ask you if you're fine, he knows you better than yourself. One of thr things he's the most scared of, is let you crying all alone... and that happened.

You turn off the computer and goes to the sofa crying out, scared about the situation and all alone. No one to hug you and help control your breath. Starts to talk with yourself, cursing every single second of shit that happens in your life, remembering things of the past and bringing back again. You could not control your body and thoughts.

You tried to control your breath and calm down, but was literally impossible! Is like your body needs that! To put everything out! But this is not so good, not now...All alone!

You cried, cried and cried, laying down on the sofa and hugging a pillow. What could you do? Absolutely nothing.

After one hour crying, you starts to settle down a little, pick up some papers and go back to the sofa still cursing everything and crying, now, in anger.

You could hear keys opening the door and you could only thing "Right now? Really?"...well, you could also see that as a miracle. Hanzo is home and you could hear his warm voice trought the house.

- Baby! I'm home! - He walks until the tv room where he saw you sat with red eyes, swollen face and blowing the nose like a elephant. The skile on his face became almost panic - Honey...what's wrong?

- I'm so sorry...! - You starts to cry again feeling guilty. Almost 3 months without seeing him and you welcome him like that?

- Hey! No no...! - He ran to the sofa sitting in front of you. - Hey, kawaii...What's wrong, uh? Tell me, sweety.

His voice were sweet, low and completely comfortable as always, even his accent dissapeared a little when he speak like that, became more...American british? Not a strong japanese accent.

He hold your face kissing your forehead, then looking at your eyes.

- Something happened? You can tell me, you know that.

- I'm...! I'm just tired...! I'm exhausted about everything, you know?! And...! And I was worried and now I'm thinking how suck I'm at everything! Looks like something put a fucking spell! A fucking dark cloud in my fucking head! Everything is just wrong...!

- Breath, y/n... -He holds your hand tightly. - You're out of control...Tell me...what happened first?

You stopped for a moment and looked at him in tears.

- I...! I was scared...! I read your last massage again!

- The Talon one? But hey...- He smiled getting up and sitting behind you. - I'm here...Is everything ok, sweety.

- Is not only you...! I feel so...so nothing! Like if a don't belong here.. ! I don't have friends, even my colleagues don't like me!

- No, baby, that's not true! - He hugged you tight kissing your neck - Why you think that?

- They always goes out together and never invites me...! Oh, baby, I'm so sorry...! - You hide your face in your hands - you must be so tired and I'm filing your head with shit!

- Y/n... -He called you with his chin on your shoulder. - I'm here because of you. I want to be here, it was my choice to sit here to listen to your "shits"

Hanzo hugs you tightly giving little pecks on your neck and shoulder.

- I'm a different man because of you and I must retribute everything, and because I want to...I love you, y/n. I won't and i can't promise that everything will soon be fine, the world is not helping us, but...I'm here. If you need me, your friend, your boyfriend, your partner...you ninja. - Both laughed. - Call me.

- But Jack doesn't let you use the phone before work.

- If I explain to him that you'll call in emergency times, he'll understand and...for you? I can break all the rules if it is necessary.

You felt butterflies in you stomach and Hanzo tells you for turn around a little bit; holding your legs under his arm and the tattoed one behind your back, holding you in a bride position while sitting on the sofa. He kissed your face everywhere making you laugh and calm down for good. He was the only one that could do that.

- I won't leave you like that...never. I came home a little earlier actually,I felt something...I swear. - He couldn't stop looking at you while talking. - I felt that you needed me, so I finished everything earlier and came.

- Your spirits told you? - You laughed a little feeling a headache. - You told me once that they're became also connected with me after... well...

- At the first time? - He smiled and you nodded. - That's true...I felt my arm shivering a little. So, sweetie...you see? You're part of me too. What you feel I can feel, not completely, but if you're in danger, I'll know.

You smiled laying your head on his chest feeling his heartbeat that made you fall asleep right there. Well...like I said, he's the one.

Hanzo picks you up and walks to the bedroom laying you down and then laying next to you, making caring on your face watching you in a deep sleep.

After Hanzo also fall asleep next to you, his phone starts to ring and he pick it up feeling a little lost.

- Moshi...? - Take a deep breath scratching his sleepy eyes.

- Hanzo? Is Jack Morrison, are you at home?

- Yes, sir... something happened? - Now he looked worry.

- Well, not really... but Genji is having his arm fixed so, there's no one to take care of the base. I need to leave in 1 hour to a reunion with generals and well, wanna see if you're free to come back and take care of the base, I'm kind worry with Reyes, he may try to do something.

While captain Morrison was talking, Hanzo could only look at you and take a deep breath before answer.

- Captain...Sir, I'm sorry but I can't.

- Oh, really? - Jack sounded surprised.- Normally you always say yes, but...something happened?

- I...I need time with y/n, sir.

- Ooh yeah! Of course! - Starting coughing in nervousness.- I forgot about your relationship with her, I apologize, soldier. No worries, I can call Cassidy or maybe Baptiste, someone has to be able to come back.

- I'll send a message to them, captain, they'll help for sure.

- Copy that, soldier...See ya and... good lucky with the girl...she's good for you, fella. You should have asked her hand already.

- Yes...- Hanzo laughed looking at you. - I will, captain...I'm ready for that.

--------

Art by: @chengongzi123

I don't know if you guys wanna a part 2 of this, I started to write this when I was I my worst so... it was just a idea mixed with feelings. Hope you at least enjoyed;3; It was just a silly little fanfic.

[that-cheer-up-anon]

tw: suicide mention

So today was absolute shit.

Was expecting to do public areas today, which I was really looking forward to bc I just play YouTube videos on my earphones and don't have to talk to anyone, and best of all not do beds (they take the most out of me) and not be under a time crunch to get rooms done in time.

Unfortunately, lots of people called in sick and they had to change my role to be doing rooms. So already day ruined.

My shift was officially until 4pm. Still had more rooms and they won't let us leave until we've finished our board. I told the office coordinator that my shift had officially finished (PLEASE LET ME GO HOME) and they said "you can extend. Finish your stay overs please."

Anyways. Had two big scream sobbing breakdowns today and a smaller third one. By the time it's 4pm and I'm at work I am flat out tired and can't handle any more. I get suicidal by 4pm.

I was there until 5:15pm.

With NO BREAKS bc honestly when can I have one when I'm being pressured to rush finish my rooms by 2pm and just want to go home ASAP bc the longer I'm at work the more suicidal I get.

Hilarious that on the last room the office coordinator asks how I'm going and I literally say "On my last room and I'm having suicidal thoughts". And they say "oh nooo. Are you ok?? I can give it to someone if you want" WHEN I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DO NOW.

I'm tired of having to be at the end of my rope in order for someone to take my disintegrated mental and emotional state seriously.

Friday sucked so bad but today was so much worse.

I seriously contemplated just walking to my boss and saying "I quit." Luckily I asked my partner to convince me not to do that and they said "let's discuss at home first". Honestly stopped me from doing something suicidal bc I just thought "I need to make sure I get home to discuss this w them."

Had lots of crying and venting and they really helped me calm down. Also got takeout from a place we haven't had in a long time.

I hate that I literally only feel suicidal at work bc of work, but I can't quit yet.

[raisinghellonstarbug]

OK so I just wished to express this because I don't do it very often but feel the need to right now, even though it's actually hard to do so and put into words so I'll do my best, hopefully without sounding too disgustingly fan girly...

Basically Sam Fender is someone who despite being from a whole different part of England to me, is someone who as a person alongside his music, I could not relate to anymore to than I already do.

I have had the privilege of being able to express my adoration a little and was shocked when he responded to me over Instagram last year, but man I don't think he would even know the half of it if I could actually tell him all of it in person.

I just know I would find it difficult, I would stutter because of nerves and he would probably find it too overwhelming and somehow I would probably make him feel uncomfortable because I am good at that, and I think there's a reason I haven't met my absolute favourite actors/musicians for this very reason 🤣🤣 but yeah I would struggle for probably an hour or two before I would eventually calm down and be able to chat to him like an actual fucking normal person!

So instead I am letting it out to this tumblr void and letting it be here for just my thoughts and for anyone who might be slightly interested.

Sam Fender is like a mind reader. Like he really feels like he knows my life for real. I mean similarities are definitely there where my parents struggled financially when I was a child. I had an estranged relationship with my dad for years despite choosing to live with him when I was 10. My mum walked out on us and I was broken for years. I got bullied at school for years as well and although it's called "Dead Boys", I was nearly a Dead Girl that couldn't be explained, except I just wanted to die at 17.

Seventeen Going Under was really the hitting point for me. I really was 17 and going under in life. I was a mess. And then Spit of You made me bawl my eyes out when I first heard it because those lyrics alongside the music video was just pure dynamite for me, like everything that I wish I could express, but he has done it better than me.

I've considered the music route and have been told I am a good singer and a good writer, but damn, did I struggle to keep myself motivated to teach myself guitar. I did ok but then kind of gave up on it because I didn't think I could get very far.. I was watching my dad have mental breakdowns almost everyday which clouded my motivations. I still consider sometimes whether I try and pick it up again and play at an open mic night. One day I might. The closest I have come as of late so far is on karaoke nights working at the pub and only then do I sing my heart out besides at home 😄

His political views are a part of it too. Our political system is fucked and he expresses that brilliantly too with Long Way Off and Aye. I mean Hypersonic Missiles and White Privilege as well but they're more worldwide explanations. The left (Labour) and right (Conservatives) don't appeal to me either way. We need a whole revamp.

Basically this fella from North Shields is like a gift to me and to many others. I just wish he could know this without me sounding like a creepy fucker. He's just awesome in general really and I guarantee that if I wasn’t so awkward with celebrities and could actually keep my cool when I usually can, I would happily have a good old chinwag with him, just talk about life and have a few bevvies.

I mean hell, the actual dream would be to duet a song with him ❤ he would play guitar and I would sing. It's not expected though and seems like such a long shot to ever actually happen, and while I saw him perform at Ally Pally in London in November 2021, I did not get lucky in catching him after the gig. Maybe one day I will but then he would probably be super famous by then. He definitely deserves all the attention anyway!

So yeah. That was what I was thinking about this morning of all things 😅

I love you Sam Fender, even though you have no idea who I am.

Peace,

Luna x

[savrenim]

OK OK it might be a stupid question, but I can't access patreon because it's blocked in my country, and I wanted to know how long it'll take for wriu to get updated // published at the current rate

not a stupid question at all!

so wriu is very high on my to-do list, simply because it is so close to being done? like, there are five remaining chapters, and then four short epilogue chapters. one of said chapters and one of the epilogue chapters are totally done ready for posting. There Are 14270 Words Of Content Written Just Sitting There Waiting To Be Filled Out.

the problem is that effectively every chapter remaining ends on either a flat-out cliffhanger or just a very bad place to pause for several or more than several months, which means that I am attempting to write the entire fic before starting to post it. my life has also been a shitshow of "I need to get a job lined up before summer or my partner and I are about to be homeless" for the last several months so "sit down and finish a fic" really hasn't been a priority. writing only happened at all in all of a mental breakdown of 'wouldn't it be really funny to gonchpost a fic in the most popular anime fandom on ao3, nothing can go wrong there' as a valve of stress release

that being said there's been hope on several different prongs on the job front? which is also why I have been somewhat getting back to writing and actually able to restart my patreon instead of the several months I put it on hiatus this past fall/ winter. and whether or not people are voting for wriu in the 'I will write and post [x] words of this' monthly polls, it's something that I feel like I could probably complete the whole fic in a month or two tops if I sat down and concentrated on it, and I've really started feeling the "hnng it would be cool to finish my open fics" mood given that..... my only current finished fics are one-shots........

more financial stability would definitely allow me to write faster, because even if I do get a job lined up, there are the several months before said job starts and it means that I can spend time writing instead of looking for part-time tutoring jobs and recording shitty tutoring videos for math homework sites to make up the spare change, which is what a fair amount of my spare time is going to these days. so the current rate is "it isn't being written at all because there are other priorities." if I suddenly didn't have to do any of the other jobs I was picking up? my writing schedule would be much become:

finish ttbotr -- expected to take literally 2-3 days

finish wriu -- expected to take 2-3 months, and then post it over the course of another 1-2 months

my mental health vent time continues to be used to write aiimbp, which will continue to update sporadically with, like, 10-15k chapters as that happens. probably once or twice a month just given the amount of stress venting my brain would like to do.

but at this point the financial stability to concentrate on writing like that seems kind of like a pipe dream? so things just. aren't getting worked on.

[cato-of-blamesociety]

32weeksMixtape Tracklist/Song Picks All Parts (Links to each blog part) **

How/Why did I choose/chose to use the songs I did

*Full breakdown, was updated in real time (weekly) so you go through the process/journey with me!*

32. Day Dreaming x NxWorries (Anderson .Paak + Knxwledge)

Man, first off, thank you for those of you who are truly seeking out all the aspects of this project. I don't know how long the internet will last, but for those seeing this 5, 10, 15....(or even 30!?) years into the future, thank you! If my wife or my children are seeing this, I love you and appreciate you for putting up with my madness during this period. See, 32weeks was all about pushing myself to my creative limits. I took a simple concept and turned into an artform. Think about it, right now, TikTok is bursting with the green screen idea: reacting to a video, or sharing controversial info, or wholesome content, with the person in front of/on the side of/stitched in, etc and the green screen is an element blending the two visuals together. Mixtapes have been around for well, probably since the conception of Hip hop. I took both entities and came out with this. A visual mixtape, set up as a presentation, with 32 tracks, released on a weekly basis...and staying on schedule. HAHAAHAHAHA!!! That is bizarre! I was able to (almost) share how these images appear in my mind, and how I relate them to the music. I used all true stories from my life. Pieces of my childhood and adulthood that I have never really shared with others...like real talk, #20, that was something I never knew I would ever be able to talk about. And as you know, this portion of the 32weeks era is over, but there still more writing to do.

Ok, so I came across this instrumental after writing, I think the 29th(possibly) verse. I heard it and knew this would be number 32. NxWorries is the collaboration of Anderson .Paak and Knxwledge. Their "Yes Lawd!" album is soooo fire. Like real talk, I knew Anderson .Paak has some dope instrumentals. Oxnard, Malibu, Ventura, are filled with wonderful productions. Knxwledge's beats just hit different. Like, Suede, or Lyk Dis, or Livvin, or omg....H.A.N.(if you are unfamiliar...go hear that right now lol). These instrumentals have that smooth old school but modern feel. But then, Daydreaming drops. 💥Like I said, I knew this was the one. I needed to find the instrumental immediately. All I kept hearing was 🎶32 weeks...🎶This verse pretty much wrote itself. It's literally the closer. I wanted listeners to feel that excitement, the raw feeling, of a burden being lifted. We know the feeling of saying you are going to do something, and then actually following through. During the live period of 32 weeks, whenever it all felt overwhelming, I would play this song as a reminder that it is going to feel amazing to finish this. That gave me more fuel to continue on.

As a songwriter, I learned in this process that I can truly write a song about anything. Overall, I can take a feeling and put it in sound for a listener to digest. I faced the fear of my art not being good enough. I faced the fear that I may have to do somethings, hard things, on my own. I faced the fear that I will overlooked, and ignored. I faced the fear that I was no longer relative to my community (in regards to making music that matters). I faced the fear that I can't learn skills. I faced the fear of showing more darker sides of myself in my lyrics. I faced the fear of opening up to my listeners. I faced the fear of acknowledging death (still uncomfortable, but less anxiety). I faced the fear of my endurance, that I wouldn't be able to actually complete a feat a large as this. I faced the fear of comparison...that the real competition is with myself. I had to learn that I can't watch what other artists are doing and judge them or myself. That practice is dangerous to my mental wellbeing. I killed that distorted thought(and I continue to battle that distorted thought) with these truths:

1. The internet(specifically social media) can make anyone seem like they are super successful, happy, and etc. 2. Everyone's path is different and is autonomous to each individual 3. I work a full time job and found joy in creating and just want to share it with others 4. "It just doesn't matter", straight from Mac Miller's Faces/Bill Murray's monologue from "MeatBalls". I learned that whether something good or bad comes from this project, whether people hear my music or not, whether I live or die, Whether I change the world or not, it just doesn't matter. Once I remember those ideas, I kill the intrusive enemy of most humans - comparison.

Again, I appreciate you spending this time with me. I hope you enjoyed the experience. I encourage you to share the mixtape/blog/videos with people you think would love this. Or with the people that the songs remind you of. I am honored and grateful that you chose to experience this with me.💙💙💙

33. Cross The Globe x Lil Durk ft. Juice Wrld

I'm not sure what exactly to add to this post....let's start with the instrumental. As aforementioned in the blog post for week 23: Stand By Me x Lil Durkft. Morgan Wallen I go into my first encounters of Lil Durk and his Album "Almost Healed". I state in the post that I would tell you more about my feelings about "Cross The Globe". First off I want to say R.I.P. to Juice Wrld. I was never a huge fan, but....dude slaughtered a track on the "Into The Spider-Verse" Soundtrack. I love most of the songs on the soundtrack but Juice Wrld and Seezyn's "Hide" is f*cking catchy and has high replay value. Also, they play this song in the movie at a very vulnerable moment. Miles feels discouraged and with the song in the background.... just gives me the chills. I learned pretty quickly that Juice Wrld is really good with creating those singy/catchy hooks because he definitely killed it on Cross The Globe. So when I came across this song during my re-listening to the album, that beat swooped me up. I think, that was when I knew that this song would be the one I explain myself and the reason for the mixtape. This is also around the time I knew that there would be 33 verses instead of 32. I have mentioned Dante Alighieri's "Dante's Inferno"/The Divine Comedy throughout the project. During the writing the phase I had just picked up the inferno, or was wrapping up the inferno. Trying to incorporate some of wonderful messaging that I received. The Podcast, "Dante's Divine Comedy" by Mark Vernon was/is a major asset to understanding what the hell (hell...hahaha, get it?) you're reading. Also, I was 32 years of age approaching 33, add in the literature references and you have a few metaphors/entendres. I was very inspired by Alighieri with the whole "Cantos" ideas as chapters and seeing that each verse is a chapter of my life, whether past, present or future. I think the first lines I wrote were:

"documenting life just a novel, it is written/approaching chapter 33, 33 degrees. That's a third of the perfect work, Divine Comedy. Watch the Divine work through me..."

I really wanted to highlight the fact that this project contained a lot of honesty, alot of vulnerable moments, and shame. There are many situations that I had locked in my pen, due to fear of the judgement. As an adult I was able to knock down that barrier. I know how much I have worked on myself over the years. I know that I made a lot of mistakes, and being able to share them with others will ultimately release that shame/guilt possibly helping the listener. I struggled for years wondering what to write (due to what I just stated). I don't want to be the cheesy holier than thou emcee, I don't live street life, I don't have money to ball, and I am happily married and have two kids. Limiting myself in this way really slowed my mode of creativity. I am so grateful that I finally got to the point that I can just express my cringy past, talk about the work I do on myself, and find joy in my craft! I don't know what else to say so I am going to hop off of here. If you are reading this I want to say thank you! I appreciate your time, and attention. I hope something I say/write intrigues you, motivates you, or moves you. If no one has told you today that they love you, just know that I do, and I always will.

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Weeks 1-8

Weeks 9-16

Weeks 17-24

Weeks 25- 31

[innestahtinen]

it's been a while since things about a movie, probably, i don't remember, and i'm not going reading through old posts. last year I watched all three Channel Awesome anniversary movies, and despite them being bad, i have been thinking about them, mainly it's in the third one, how they continued the running thing of not seeing Todd's face by making him Robocop. and they're in my movies yt playlist, so I'm doing it again.

Kickassia (2010):

last year, i gave it a 1.5/5.

i hadn't noticed it, but i think Lindsay Ellis is doing a Sarah Palin impression, but an impression of Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin; the whole 'I can see Russia from my house' thing.

'but Mars Girl is a woman' "sure she is, and I'm the tooth fairy' what? [ok, so this bit's from after I finished, and i was going to come back and say something about not knowing who wrote it, so I can't pin it on singularly that person, but then I remembered that this movie has opening credits, and Doug Walker volunteers himself. so I correct this] Hey Doug, what?

this movie shits on Jimmy Carter as a politician, the guy who warned about how the US needed renewable energy in the 70s, then the Reagan and Bush Sr. administrations said no.

i used to watch nostalgia critic for about a year in 2019, so i don't know who most of these people are, the only one i recognise is Linkara, so they're trying to do dramatic scenes with character stuff, but it means nothing currently.

'we heard gunshots!' "did they come from a gun" - unfortunately, that is the exact kind of stupid comedy i like.

unfortunately, that single point is counteracted by a line 3 minutes later; 'I feel like a puppy that got raped by a bulldozer' not really one for rape jokes.

is this a cutaway gag, but one that's the instructions for risk?

cameos work so well, especially when you don't know the people, but i've said that already.

there was a scene that really reminded me of the classic: 'but i didn't even get her email address' from Spy Kids 3D. for better or worse, given I haven't seen that movie either.

previously it was a 1.5 because it was just dull. and it's still 1.5/5

Suburban Knights (2011):

previously, this was a 2.5/5. it was more interesting, but still not good

ha ha, referring to character in one property by the name of a character from another property played by the same person, ha

i'm going to guess that Doug wrote this one too, in which case; What's his issue with Jimmy Carter, he seems like a nice guy. the guy from inside a book, from the 80s went; 'did we ever have a president worse than Carter?' but i guess that makes more sense, Reagan administration shitting on his legacy, making him look hapless, and all.

I've got less to say, the plot's more interesting, the acting's the same, but it's intended to be a fantasy not a drama, so it can work.

it's probably satisfying for the people who left Channel Awesome to see Doug lose twice in two movies.

To Boldly Flee (2012):

this was a 2/5, there's plot, it just relies even more heavily on knowledge from their videos.

I'm watching this three days later, had work so i couldn't watch it the next day. instead i watched Fantasia 2000 and The First Avenger, both much better movies than this.

there's a joke about 'Spoony' being attracted to his sister, which is kinda distasteful to begin with, but then i thought i remembered that he was the contributer who had a mental breakdown, looked it up, and he tweeted about having sex with someone, and people took it as being that he would rape her. i haven't seen the tweet, so I'm not sure. even so, jesus christ mate.

acting, emotions, the characters are seeing one of their friends maybe die, but they're blank, masterful, the layers of their performances, etc. etc.

poo jokes and penis jokes, sick. I'm not against a good penis jokes, and good thing too, because this one is... fine.

'zombies, dressed in confederate uniforms, fighting women in bikinis' does sounds like a B-movie that I'd hear about, go 'ergh, seriously?' and then never think about again, so i guess they get a point, good job Bradikan.

if any of the idea for the aftermath of the email-writing scene came from the people on-screen, then it's still concerning, but if Lindsay Ellis wanted to dress as Seven of Nine, sure, whatever. if it came from Doug, which it most likely did, what the fuck.

I don't know who she is, but the woman who got 'mind-altered' was pretty good.

not entirely sure what the death star parody is meant to be, it looks like a curling stone to me, but for the life of me i can't remember a scene where it was referenced.

i don't think that's the guy who played Ma-Ti.

'... I'm British, our only contributions to culture is comedic cross-dressing and spotted dick' - "FilmBrain", 2012.

turns out i'm an idiot, the death star is a bomb.

'you've got to point out the things that don't make sense' you mean what they were already doing, isn't that the bread-and-butter of this MCN, finding the small issues, and making references to other media and jokes out of them, then surely it shouldnt' expand any more, because they'll have already said it, and put it out into more public consciousness.

i bet the "that was a good crossover" 'this was too' was added in later in production, when they were getting to the end of the one week of filming.

it's still a 2/5.

if Dominic Noble was in them, it probably wouldn't have made them better movies, but i like the guy so it may have helped my enjoyment of them at least.

[rentolysander]

3/9/2023

“ENOUGH! ENOUGH! AHHHHH!”

I grabbed my pillow and screamed into it, my phone falling from my hand to the bed. I didn’t really have to because all of my housemates were out at work, but I didn’t even think about it. Old habit I guess.

Still that didn’t change the fact, that I am an absolute failure.

I wanted to cry, but no tears would come out, so instead, I layed in my bed with an ugly face, sniffeling. Pathetic, can’t even cry correctly.

“What would my younger self think right about now?” I thought to myself.

“He wouldn’t care, he’s busy watching Pokemon Let’s Plays on his IPod Touch,” I answered, “In fact, he seems to be still doing the same thing fourteen years later.”

I hated to admit it, but I was right. Ever since a kid all I ever really did was watch videos on my devices or played video games. If it wasn’t for my dad kicking me out of the house every other day, I might not have ever had any friends growing up. Now he’s not here to make me do things I don’t want to do and now I have no friends. Double edged sword.

Sometimes it feels like I never grew up, maybe I’m still trying to get sucked into a world like Dragonball, or Percy Jackson, or Harry Potter. I’m still waiting on my letter from Hogwarts. All I ever do is search for my new show, to have some time to forget about life for a while. But it always comes to an end.

It’s been three months since I left. I had to. I was suffocating there. Jung would be proud if he saw my move, but he’s probably rolling in his grave after watching my progress. The problem is now I’m rotting here. In the shittiest, cheapest room, in the shittiest, cheapest house, in the shittiest, cheapest neighborhood, in the shittiest, cheapest city, in the shittiest, cheapest state, in the shittiest, cheapest country. 

“Yes that’s good! Get angry!”

“I can’t, life is just suffering and I didn’t choose it for myself, I should just lay down and rot. There’s no hope for me, I can’t do anything.”

“Cut the antinatalist shit, what makes you the expert on life and death. Do you know what it’s like to be dead?”

“I guess not.”

“Then how can you be sure it’s better?”

“Fair point, ok you win.”

I layed in bed, still as a dead man. I was kind of sad, I couldn’t blame my existence and suffering on my parents, but also kind of elated at my future prospect of bringing a kid into the world. However, I was back to square one. A lazy, unmotivated, kid with no ambitions. I checked my phone.

My first instinct was to open YouTube but I fought the urge. 

“When do I start work again?” I asked while opening the calender app.

The app opened slowly, my phone was many generation late, I was too lazy and stubborn to get an upgrade, plus that costs money, so no thank you. The app showed me that I had seven days until I started work on March 16. Basically six because the days is almost over anyways. But there was a mark on the calender under March 15.

“Maybe a holiday?”

I clicked on it and the event was not a holiday. In fact, it read “Kill Myself.” I looked at the details, it was a full day event and it was made two months ago, right around when I moved in.

At first I was confused, what kind of mental breakdown prompted this action? Or to be honest, which one within the last two months? My head started to hurt, I hate thinking over the past.

“Two months ago, I really didn’t do anything since…” 

“But I’m going to die…”

First it was confusion, then it was horror as I stared at the date. Then I remembered. I made a deal with myself saying that if I didn’t write three chapters of my book and learn three new songs on the guitar before my first day at work, I would kill myself. I had two months to get it done, but I waited to the last minute, just like back in school. Another nasty habit.

Back in the present, I was seething up. Now I was angry.

“You really did nothing even though your life depended on it?!”

Maybe I do deserve to die. No, that’s too easy to say. That’s a cop out. If I died then how

would I ever write my book. Fuck, why can’t I just sit down and do it. I had all that time, what else was I doing?

I looked around my cramped room, I saw my guitar, I only really knew one song all the way through and I sucked at the solo, so I couldn’t even do that task. I did learn some bits and pieces here and there, that’s at least something right? But that wasn’t the culprit. I needed something to blame, anything to remove me of the guilt. Then I found it. It was right there in my hand. Not the phone, but something in it. 

I opened screen time and there it was at the very top. With 20 hours of watch time, not including the time spent on my laptop, I had found my oppressor. 

“YouTube,” I hissed.

My life was already being stolen from myself and now most of it was gone. I never really thought about it like that. It was always there as a friend, coming to me with pleasure and fun. Little did I know it was sucking the life out of me.

Sure I learned some stuff from it, but how many hours have I lost myself to videos? Was it worth it?

Obviously, not. I was horrified again. I thought about how my life was nothing but mindless consumption ever since I downloaded the app. Back when it had a logo of an old, ugly, beige tv. How many days did I just lay in my bed, on my side, endlessing watching. Chained to my phone, eyes glued to the screen, brain slowly being turned off. How many years lost?

I pulled out the calculator app. Then I looked up how many weeks in a year to double check, 52. Let’s say I lose one day’s worth of time to screen time per week. So that’s 52 days lost in a year, multiply that by 14 years and… I dropped my phone

728 days?

That had to be wrong. I must have hit multiply twice or something, I had to have. I tried typing it in again. 728.

YouTube had claimed almost two years of my life and there was nothing I could do.

“AUGH!” I yelled as I tossed my phone away in disgust. It bounced off the bed and went over the side. I heard it hit the floor but I didn’t care. I was in disbelieve, I tried to reason, “well I didn’t always spend that much time on my phone,” but 24 hours a week was only 3.5 hours a day. Rookie numbers for me. And that didn’t even include computer screen time or the time I spent on my XBox or on computer games. I probably was looking at five years lost. Never to return.

Now I cried. How could I be so absent minded? Why did I let this happen to myself?

I really was a loser. No I was even worse. I’m just one of those human batteries from the Matrix. I am nothing but something to be harvested. I have no thoughts of my own, just pregenerated statements from videos I have consumed. What am I?

Now I was angry. I was going to enact my revenge. I flung myself across my bed and reached down. I moved my hand frantically around the floor until I found it. I picked up my phone, checked the screen, saw that it wasn’t cracked, and opened it up. I held down my finger on the screen and the apps started to dance. I culled without mercy, first Twitter, then Instagram, then Tinder, then Snapchat, then my thumb hovered over YouTube. I hesitated. I remembered all the good times, all the funny videos, all the things that I learned. What would I do without it, how could I become better. How could I do anything if I didn’t have such easily digestible content. No, no, this is YouTube pleading for it’s life. I will end it.

“Die, fucker,” I pressed the Minus sign and hit delete app. With that my best friend was gone forever.

I immediately put my phone down while turning it off. I sat there in the silence. I didn’t feel anything. It didn’t really feel like I lost anything. I didn’t feel anything earth shattering emotions about how I just cut off something that previously was the most important thing in my life.

In fact, I felt pretty bored.

But what was there to do now?

[grem-ghost]

today wasn’t a great day and it just … felt off. tw// mentions of depression, anxiety, adhd / suicidal - self harm thoughts

i genuinely never know how to explain any of this. work was work and that wasn’t surprising, but i felt an episode creeping up on me for the entirety of my shift and it worried me. it really did. i’m really really bad at letting people know i have yknow … diagnosed mental issues and so having a breakdown at work wouldn’t be ideal because i would have no choice but to hide it. it wouldn’t be the first time either. i try to always be that person who tries to help others understand what mental health means and what it’s like (both for people who are and aren’t neurodivergent) but it always ends up feeling like when it comes to myself, i just get…

i just get mad at myself for not understanding why i feel the way i do. and again, it’s ironic because i literally spend all of my time showing my friends and others i know that it’s ok to not understand why you’re not doing ok. it’s always been this way and it makes me feel more broken than i already do, tbh. like as if it’s a voice in my head that’s telling my neurodivergent brain that it HAS to be neurotypical. i HAVE to be normal. i’ve never been okay and i’ve had this problem for years but it never stops feeling … new, yknow? like it’s been there for half a decade or more yet it’s like it just started happening when i know it didn’t.

i also had self harm thoughts hit me full force. i’ve been feeling slightly suicidal recently (because of a lot of things i don’t want to go into right now) and having those add on wasn’t fun, even if it was half-expected. without describing anything obviously, i just felt trapped. like the only way to prove i was in control was by doing those things when i didn’t want to. i didn’t do anything or break my streak, but i hate when they come back. i felt myself start to shut down mentally, which also happened a few days ago and i went non-verbal again. it never lasts for the same amount of time each time it happens, but i literally shutdown and lose the ability to speak. it’s not like my mind shuts off completely, but any energy i have goes away and it’s like … having to ask someone for permission to speak. i don’t know exactly how i’d describe it. i still don’t understand 100% what i feel when one of those episodes occurs, but i just lose all ability to speak or move even though i am very much conscious and aware of my surroundings. it’s also like i’m not. the most recent episode that lasted a long time left me in a state where i couldn’t speak or move and i knew where i was and what i was doing. but i have little memory of it.

again, it’s incredibly difficult to describe what this feels like. i was watching a youtube video and i could give you the name of it, but i don’t remember what the video was. like i genuinely remember sitting there watching it, but the video didn’t process in my brain. like my brain just… couldn’t.

i don’t know what else to say, tbh. for anyone who might ask, i am an adult and can go see a doctor to get medication and all that jazz, but i’m broke. literally broke and all i can actually do right now is trying to fix that. as fast as possible for OTHER reasons besides doctor. i want to be medicated and i want to control this stuff, but it’s not possible right now. which sucks.

anyways, thanks for reading lol

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Eddie and Buck Costumes!!!

Ok mini costume thing!! I’m totally going to run out of posts tonight so its alll getting put in one post!! I’m totally normal I swear!

Eddie

patch theory - Eddie’s patches are not frayed at all in those scenes - but that’s cool because they wouldn’t be - the job while not satisfying to him in any way isn’t putting him in danger - so it’s not playing into that part of his psyche - in that it’s not directly contributing to his breakdown - because he’s doing it for Christopher - he’s safe so that aspect of his worry is over - the job is not what is making him unravel!!

Eddies colour palette appears to have been reduced down to black, white and  grey - those are the only colour tees we’re seeing him in that clip - there is literally no colour left in his world - other than the blue of his uniform - and when you’ve reduced your world down like that and your job isn’t fulfilling - well we all know how its going to go - on the floor sobbing! They are also slightly over sized - the life he’s now living doesn’t fit him and its sucking the life out of him, the fact that they’re a bit looser on him is designed to show a bit of weight loss - a symbol of depression, but also if al he’s got is a treadmill then he’s going to be getting leaner - loosing the conditioning that he gets from weightlifting as part of his firefighter life - getting that conditioning back will be a bit like the mental journey he’s about to go through!

all of those tees are new tees - symbolic of new era (they haven’t been broken down to make them look lived in and wardrobe would normally do) - they are fresh out the packet crisp (think about the one in 2x07 when he gets dressed after sex with Shannon - stretched out and worn looking!) but them being so new and crisp is also a sign of Eddie trying to re-invent himself as this new ‘safer’ not at risk person.

Sweat - he is working hard at going nowhere - a nice little touch!

Buck!

I have a couple of things about Buck - Hello white jumper - that is clearly meant to be the one Taylor got him for Christmas - hilarious that she went with the white - she has literally doomed her own relationship - because Buck wearing it - sorry I’ll just be over here laughing hysterically to myself 😂😂😂

then we have the little video that Oliver posted - I know that @loveyourownsmiilee has been getting asked about it and I have a couple of asks in my inbox about it too from Nonnies and @lovecolibri - I have many thoughts - hello white shirt theory, hello tsunami arc throwback and 2x08 throwback (you know that conversation Buck has with Madney about them dating when not dating??!!👀👀👀) Also hello Buck being back in bright colours and one last thing - hello corduroy! - its the gift that keeps on giving - all in 15 seconds!! 

I made this post about Bucks previous wearing of corduroy - but the jist of it is that the nap of corduroy only goes one way - it only feels comfortable to brush it in one direction or it feels like you’re fighting it - therefore there will only be one path for Buck to take in whatever scene he’s in when wearing that shirt. If he also happens to have grey trousers on then we call all expire at the parallels to the tsunami!! He is definitely wearing a jacket that is going to be a similar cut to a denim jacket. the reddy colour is interesting - it looks similar to the one from the other bts photo that Oliver posted (I also talk about it in that post I linked above!) but that colour essentially means - emotional intensity, willpower, courage, rage, anger, determination, wisdom, reliability, confidence and stability. Honestly all the possibilities with that costume has me spiralling a little!!!