#okay here’s my problem with coming from a place of mostly self-recovered disordered eating*

[devil-changmin]

Eating disorder warning / emetophobia warning in tags

[harlowtm]

𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐊 𝟎𝟎𝟔: 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐘 // @gallaghertasks​

“ ---  i need someone who knows me to go in there and tell them i’m  NOT  in denial .  .  .  because i’m not. ” 

THERAPY.  THERAPY.  THERAPY. realistically this probably shouldn’t have been the first time lennon was seeing a professional.  she was an emotional person with high sensitivities and a low pain threshold.  she also had a vast need for attention and a strong,  overwhelming urge to give it. it seemed,  however,  that none of this would be discussed.  the therapist had their own script to follow.  it felt more like  DAMAGE CONTROL  than caring,  but lennon didn’t mind.  she made the job easy.  in the script that follows,  T  is in reference to the therapist speaking and  L  is in reference to Lennon. 

T:  did  you  know  either  of  the  victims  :   amelia  taylor  or  cassie  snyder  ? L:  i actually did not know either of them. T:  how  have  your  sleeping  and  eating  patterns  been  ? L:  i mean . . .  DIFFERENT  than prior to the incident,  but i’m not sure that it’s related.  it might be my own internal battles that began around the same time,  but i know that’s not what i’m here about,  so we can talk about that a different time. T:  do  you  find  yourself  thinking  about  the  event  even  when  you  don’t  want  to  ? L:  YES,  but my only reason for thinking about it is hearing other people talking about it.  i mean i guess i think about the people i care about here and i care if they were affected by the deaths,  AND  i think about how i couldn’t imagine what i would do if it was them.  T:  what  are  the  most  frequent  images ?  L:  my loved ones being found,  getting that call,  or having someone tell me the news . . .  what that would feel like,  what kind of break down i would have,  if i would recover,  and  SOMETIMES  as screwed up as it is,  i picture myself in their shoes.  partially because i don’t know the girls,  so i don’t know if they deserved it,  not that anyone deserves that,  but i just mean,  that i sometimes wonder if i deserve that.  if i deserve to be that person that was found.  i mean,  i try really hard to be a  GOOD  person,  i just feel like i’ve been falling short lately,  so that’s me being hard on myself.  i also kind of wonder if anyone would  CARE  if it were me . . .  if  HE  would care . . .  if  SHE  would be as distraught.  [ laughs nervously ]  i’m rambling,  let’s move on.  T:  do  you  avoid  thinking  or  talking  about  the  event ?  L:  ummm . . . yeah.  i do,  actually.  i thought i was just doing things to try and help other people keep from thinking about it,  but i guess regardless of my motive or intent,  that still translates to  ME  not thinking about or talking about the event;  avoiding it.  yeah. T:   do  you  avoid  going  places  or  being  in  situations  that  remind  you  of  the  event ?  if  yes  ,   what  are  these  places  ? L:  i avoid certain places that remind me of certain situations,  it’s just not this one.  i mean i haven’t been to the scene of the crime to see if it’s been cleared because the last time i happened to pass by there it was roped off, but i know what it’s like to avoid things on  PURPOSE  and this is not that.  T:  do  you  have  nightmares  about   the  event  ?   if  yes  ,   please  describe  these  nightmares  to  the  best  of  your  ability  .   L:  uhhhh,  yeah,  i guess.  i see a an unclear version of where the murders happen,  i see a body covered with a white sheet,  and then i’m getting closer and closer and closer and it feels like a never-ending hallway that keeps stretching.  i never actually make it to the body.  i start going faster and faster,  but running in heels in  GRASS  is nearly impossible even in a dream,  so i can only go so fast,  and it’s not fast enough and . . . sometimes it looks like someone’s about to lift the sheet,  like i see a hand kind of cross the frame and reach for it,  but i always wake up before that.  isn’t that a little bit crazy ?  it’s really bizarre.  it’s a crazy dream.  T:  do  you  feel  easily  startled  or  anxious  ?  give  examples   L:  no,  not really.  not that i can think of,  no. T:  do  you  worry  about  being  harmed  or  feel  “on guard” ?  give  examples  .   L:  like  ---  physically ?  oh,  in general.  i guess not.  i mean i scare easy,  but that’s just a character flaw.  scary movies and i don’t get along. T:  do  you  feel  detached  or  “numb”  ?  how  so  ?  L:  i’m so overly empathetic,  and i feel everything very deeply,  all of the time,  it’s  LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE  for me to do that even if i wanted to. T:  do  you  feel  shame  or  guilt  about  the  event  or  about  problems  related  to  the  event ? L:  when i see the grief everyone is going through,  it makes my own personal grief outside of this situation feel really  SMALL  and that makes me feel ashamed and guilty,  but i guess it’s like that saying goes . . . just because the person next to you is in a body cast doesn’t mean your broken arm doesn’t hurt.  or something like that. T:  what  do  you  think  is  causing  this  shame  or  guilt ?   L:  outside of being overly empathetic,  i think i often find it easy to blame myself.  it’s something i have to talk myself out of often.  i’m just so used to feeling like i have to be the care taker,  or like,  i am a means to an end,  fulfilling a role for someone else,  and i’m  NOT.  i don’t consider myself an insecure person,  but i think that the shame and guilt are being caused by the fact that someone  HAS  brought up insecurities within me recently and made me feel like a fuck up,  like i’m less than . . . it sucks.  99.9% of the time i’m pretty certain that i’m great.  self - love and all that is very important to me.  you gotta practice what you preach,  y’know ? T:  do  you  find  that  you  act  irritable  or  angry  ?   L:  i’m  EMOTIONAL,  but i wouldn’t say either of those two things come up.  maybe occasional anger wiith myself.   T:  in  what  ways  ?   L:  i honestly don’t even know.  that’s pretty much where my insight starts and ends on that matter,  honestly. T:  do  you  act  oppositional  ,  act  out  sexually  ,  or  abuse  alcohol  or  drugs ? L:  ummm,  no ?  i feel like a lot of people have recently and i hang out with people,  so by pure association,  i guess so.  otherwise i wouldn’t say that anything has changed about my behavior or alcohol intake, etc.  if anything,  i’ve been feeling  LESS  sexual lately,  so if you’ve got a pill for that,  definitely hook a girl up.  ---  i’m kidding.  i’m  ABSOLUTELY  kidding.  okay. 

PTSD SCREENING:

You scored a total of  10

People who've scored similarly to you on this quiz for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may sometimes qualify for the diagnosis of PTSD. When symptoms of PTSD are in this range, they may sometimes impact a person's everyday life, making normal activities -- like work or school -- more challenging than for others. Keeping one's focus and concentration on the task at hand can sometimes be difficult for people who've scored similarly to this.

T:  how do you feel about your results ? L:  i mean . . .  i don’t agree,  personally.  i know you’re the professional,  so chime in any time and tell me about my trauma,  but i don’t  FEEL  like i’m traumatized.  i don’t know.  like,  i’m pretty okay.  that might be screwed up considering what everyone else is going through,  but it’s the truth.  and i’m happy to be there for them throughout this trauma-inducing time. 

GRIEF QUIZ:

You scored a total of  23

People who have scored similarly to you have sometimes had complicated grief. Complicated grief is characterized by a preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased or lost loved one, searching and yearning for the deceased or lost loved one, disbelief about the death or loss, and having difficulty accepting the death or loss.

T:  how do you feel about these results ? L:  so like i said,  i didn’t know the people who died . . .  but the questions just ask about people leaving,  so sure,  i’ve had people left,  i’ve left people,  etc.  so i answered based on those things.  but for example,  one of the questions asked how often i see the person who left stand in front of me.  i’m  NOT  seeing dead people,  there’s no sixth sense thing going on,  BUT  the person who left me came back into my life recently,  so i literally,  physically,  occasionally seem him standing there and i answered accordingly.  does that make sense ?  it’s been a long time.  i’ve come to terms with my grief.  i’ve cried,  i’ve wallowed,  i’ve healed,  i’ve moved on.  mostly.  truly. 

[deathishauntedbyhumans]

Help

TW: eating disorder, self harm, suicide mentions

Keith finds out the reason Lance passed out during their training simulation and is very, very concerned. He does what he can for Lance. 

Stranger: Hey, sorry I dropped like I did during training...I'm ok though, promise. LM Mind telling me what happened after? LM

You: Are you sure you're okay? You fell like a sack of bricks. KK

Stranger: Yeah, I'm sure, man. Why wouldn't I be fine? LM

You: I don't know. You're normally faster than that, that's all. I've never seen you take a hit like that. KK

Stranger: I'm fine, just a bit distracted. LM

You: Yeah, we could tell. KK Shiro stopped the simulation so we could get out of there. KK

Stranger: Sorry I slowed you down. LM

You: Seriously, Lance? That's not even the problem here. KK

Stranger: Then what is? LM

You: Everyone was worried about you, that's the problem. KK We do training simulations every day. It should be normal. We should be getting better at this. But people are still getting hurt. It's not just you, but yours was the worst. KK It just... feels like something is wrong. KK

Stranger: Keith, what happened to me doesn't matter, ok? LM It was an off day. LM

You: Yeah, sure. Whatever. KK Try not to get your ass kicked next time, then. KK

Stranger: {...} Right. LM

You: Why are you asking me what happened, anyways? Just go talk to Shiro. KK

Stranger: Because he'll question why I'm lying. LM

You: Try telling the truth. KK

Stranger: I don't want to. LM

You: Then there's no point to the team training. KK

Stranger: {...} On earth I was in therapy, Keith. LM For some deep shit. LM I was medicated and recovering. LM

You: {...} And now you don't have any of that. KK Shit, Lance. KK

Stranger: Yeah. LM But the things I was working with most were an eating disorder and self destructive shit. LM

You: An eating disorder. KK You didn't go down today because you got hit, did you? KK

Stranger: No. LM

You: I still don't understand why you haven't talked to Shiro about this, Lance. Or why you're telling me and not him. KK He's our leader. And he understands shit like this. Believe me, I know he does. He could help you. KK

Stranger: I can't tell him, Keith. LM {...} I don't trust him with this sort of stuff. LM

You: Why not? KK

Stranger: If he knows I've relapsed... LM

You: Then he'll do what he can to help you. Lance, you're putting yourself in more danger by keeping it a secret. KK We're a team. We need to be able to count on and trust each other. All of us. KK

Stranger: I know. L

You: {...} Look, if you won't tell Shiro, I won't tell him, either. I still think that you should, but it's not my decision to make. KK But you have to tell me what I can do, then. KK

Stranger: Honestly? I need to tell him if I'm back at this point... LM As for how you can help? I don't know, honestly. I get super anxious when I have to eat with other people though, so I try not to, so maybe just help me find an excuse to eat alone that doesn't make me look pathetic? LM

You: That's up to you. Like I said, it's not my place to make that decision. KK I can do that. If you tell Shiro, we won't have to include him in the excuse, but either way, we can tell them that we're trying to continue our team-bonding, or whatever. Trying not to fight so much by spending time together. We leave with food, and then go our separate ways when nobody's watching. KK

Stranger: I can agree to that. LM

You: Good. KK {...} You mentioned self destructive shit, earlier. KK Are you doing more to hurt yourself than not eating? KK

Stranger: Yeah, a lot more. LM

You: What did you do to make yourself stop, back on Earth? KK

Stranger: I never really did, I just used smaller stuff. LM

You: Can we talk about this in person? Where are you right now? KK

Stranger: I'm in my room. LM

You: When the message came through, Keith was already halfway to Lance's room. He'd assumed as much, given that he doubted that the stubborn idiot would stay near the healing pods any longer than he had to. He wondered, offhandedly, if the healing pods could function as IVs and give the body nutrients that it wasn't getting from food. Probably, if someone were in there long enough. It was something to think about, although it was less of an option than a last resort. This kind of shit wasn't funny, and it wasn't good. Keith had dealt with his own difficulties in the past --had /mostly/ managed to get them under control-- and he knew that Shiro was dealing with his own, as well. It wasn't easy, but it was a hell of a lot harder when you were doing it alone. He knocked twice on Lance's door and then took a half-step back, arms crossed as he waited to enter. He wasn't about to take no for an answer to talking about it, either.

Stranger: Lance only stood from his bed when he heard the knocks at his door, padding silently towards it and taking a moment before he dealt with opening it. His head was spinning, skin pale, and he looked beyond exhausted. He had on a big hoodie and sweatpants, brittle hair a tangled mess atop his head. "Hey, Keith.." he mumbled, rubbing his eyes, which looked slightly bruised. His fingers had tiny cuts and scratches all over them, as did his palms. "Come in.."

You: There hadn't been a moment earlier for Keith to get a good look at Lance. They'd been too busy training, too busy fighting and dodging and weaving and shouting at one another. In fact, he didn't think he'd actually seen Lance up close in... days, if not weeks. And the sight was not a good one. Lance was doing worse than Keith had thought (or hoped) he would be. He stepped into the room and waited until Lance had shut the door and padded back over to his bed before taking a deep breath and opening his mouth. "Do you know how Shiro and I met?" he asked, without beating around the bush.

Stranger: Lance shook his head, refraining from signing his replies and just speaking them instead. "No, N-No, I don't..." he whispered, picking at a scab on his middle finger, peeling it off and trying to find something he could focus on counting while he listened to Keith speak. "It...uh..." he paused. What did he want to say? "Probably interesting..." he murmured. He was trying, forcing himself to be verbal.

You: Watching Lance was painful, both because a) despite their near-constant bickering in the past, he actually cared a whole fucking lot about him, and b)... he'd /been there/. Their situations may have been different, but the outcomes were similar, and it was pretty fucking horrible to see. "I was in the foster care system for a lot of my childhood," he said bluntly, taking a few steps to cross the room and taking a seat on the edge of the bed, careful not to touch Lance or get too close to him in case it freaked him out. "It sucked. It /really/ sucked. And the worst part was that everyone /pretended/ to give a shit, but no one actually did." He huffed out a breath. "I'm not gonna go through all the sob-story details, but the gist of it is that I was depressed. Really, really depressed. Shiro's family took me in when I was in a really bad place." He quieted for a moment, busying himself with slowly tugging off the fingerless gloves he always wore. "I tried to kill myself a few weeks in. Shiro stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital. I owe my life to him, because without his support, I probably wouldn't have kept fighting. So believe me when I tell you that I understand, Lance, and that I want to help."

Stranger: He nodded slowly, looking up at Keith after he finished speaking, and he rubbed off the makeup he'd already started putting back on. He had a light colored scar around his neck, several much darker ones around it. "I tried a few times too, so I understand that..." he whispered, wincing at the sound of his own voice and bouncing his knee a bit to try and distract from it. "I know you want to help me, Keith...I believe you, but I don't...I don't know how you can..." he whispered. "Telling me to just stop doesn't work, you and I both know that, but...I want to but I can't force myself to quit.." He shuffled slightly closer to Keith, biting at his thumb and peeling off another few scabs after, bony hands shaking.

You: By the time Lance had revealed his scars, Keith had uncovered his own as well. His wrists were full of faded scars, and each had one large, thick one in the middle of it all. He took the gloves and balled them up, folding one inside of the other so that it was vaguely rounded out. "Stopping cold-turkey doesn't work. Therapists don't know shit when they say it does. But you can ease off of it." He held out the balled-up gloves and waited for Lance to accept them, however cautiously he did so. "Hold onto those while we talk. It's not a stress ball, but it's close enough. If you have something else to do with your hands, you won't pick." He paused, letting the instructions sink in. "If you work at it, you can find other things that aren't so destructive. It's not easy, but it's possible." If they both put their minds to it, Keith knew that Lance could beat it. But he had to be willing to try. God, Keith hoped he was willing to try.

[well-hidden-hot-mess]

me again

so it’s saturday morning and here i am laying in my bed, feeling so beyond physically exhausted and it’s so frustrating. to be fair, i didn’t fall asleep until late last night (like 3am late) so i’m not surprised i’m so dead but that doesn’t mean that my type a self is okay with feeling so useless. i know i set stupidly high expectations for myself but after being horizontal due to stupid vertigo and stuffing my face for a week or more, it’s just becoming even worse. yes i know there’s zero way i could be working out since i couldn’t even be upright for more than a minute without dying and i’m sure could’ve used the diet break but as always i just went off the deep end with my eating and regret all life decisions. i’m just frustrated AF with myself for doing that when i know how badly i want to get to my desired body and honestly more than that, how badly i want to feel good again in my skin. I don’t feel like myself when i’m this “fat” (which i know i still have a mostly flat stomach when i’m not eating shit and i’m not actually fat but i feel bulky and huge because of the fat on top of the muscle makes me look so much larger than i am and not in a good lean with muscle kinda way) and it’s so hard to like idk feel good in general when i don’t feel like myself. like when i’m on track and making progress i feel strong and on top of my shit and motivated and like i could take over the world. when i’m not, i feel like shit mentally and physically, zero motivation to workout or eat well, eat my feelings and make things worse, and just overall shit. a part of me is like i need to love myself at any weight and be more accepting of my body and honestly i am to a degree but i know that i could feel so much happier at the other weight. it’s not even about a number on the scale or 100% just about looks (a good amount is i’m not going to lie but it’s not 100%) but when i look good i feel a sense of pride and success and strength that makes me happy. it’s not oh i’ll only be happy when i’m leaner because i’ll be hotter or whatever, it’s what making progress and being consistent does for my mental health and less about the body at that point and that’s an added bonus. especially since the move is quickly approaching (i’ll get to that in a second), i don’t want to move to nashville feeling like shit about myself when i’m going to need all the mental strength in the world to deal with the move and being alone in a city where i know like one person kinda and not being so close to my mother and my family and my dog and jumping head first out of my comfort zone in every aspect of my life and finding a new job and all that. the last thing i need is to be super preoccupied about my body and feeling like shit when it’s my time to thrive and start a whole new life. plus i’m going to want to try all the restaurants and be social and go out with new friends and that’s going to include lots of country girl’s at Lukes and the nachos at Jason Aldeans aka lots of extra calories/weight. plus i might be working a job where i get to sit down all day so i’ll be less active on top of that so it’s a recipe for weight loss disaster. i want to get there in a body i’m proud of and don’t have to worry about so i can focus on the much more important parts of this whole new life experience. i’m going to do a separate post about my weight loss goals so i can look back at it when i need motivation and to remind myself why i’m doing this when all i want to do is quit because those moments are way too often right now and have been way too easy to fall into and i end up back to like 175lbs aka now. again, i know i’m going to have setbacks where i can’t workout because life happens or i’m going to go have those nachos or wings or whatever but i can’t let that and the fear of that control my life. i just want to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle where i don’t NEED to count macros and get to a body where i can maintain that relatively easy while still enjoying my life and all that it has to give. i’m tired of my body/fitness consuming my brain all the time and it being so strongly linked to my mental state. i just want to break free of the hold that it has on me and feel good in my body. now i know that also dealing with depression and anxiety and disordered eating habits/body image and lyme have a huge impact on my mental state and are all fighting against me but i’ve been letting that be my excuse more lately to not stick to my goals while claiming it’s “self care” when yes, some of it is but not to the extent that i’ve been taking it. it’s also not helpful having OCD/type a-ness and seeing everything as black and white, either on diet or falling completely off, working out hard and killing myself in the gym vs. laying in bed all day and not moving for 24, 48 hours. i’ve created this cycle of that for myself and i’m sick of it. i’m so ready to break free but i know right now with everything going on with packing and the move and all that is not the time to try to start a whole new lifestyle switch but i also know that’s also me using that as an excuse to stay the same. the annoying thing is that it’s not my conscious brain deciding that it’s okay to use that as an excuse, it’s a subconscious thing that i feel like i can’t control and it’s my own brain working against me in another way. i’m just struggling right now with my body image and mental health and i’m so tired of this whole cycle i’ve put myself in so many times. the highs just make the low points feel so much lower and i feel like they’re becoming more frequent and lasting longer. to be fair, i’ve also dealt with a lot the last few months health wise - really bad lower back pain, winter allergies, vertigo, having the cyst, having surgery to remove the cyst and the recovery time afterwards, lyme, pushing my body too hard after staying in the same .4lb range for 3 months and trying to push past that plateau, and more that i can’t think of right now. so like yes there were limiting factors but at the same time, they’re just excuses. did i need to stuff my face every day while i was home recovering from the different things? no. did i? yes. do i keep doing it over and over again even though i always regret it and feel like shit all around when i do it? yes. shit’s so frustrating. i just want a healthy relationship with my body/brain and food and exercise. like is that really too much to ask??

i know i said i was going to talk about the move but now i’m in a mood because i’m actually letting out my feelings and letting myself feel them which is hard when you’re so used to keeping them all in and having this facade of nothing bothers me, i have no feelings, i’m fine, this is fine, everything’s fine. the problem is that i have so much going on in my brain and my life that once i start typing and letting out a little bit, everything comes flying out and i don’t have the time or the energy to get through it all. like here’s just an off the top of my head list of things i need to vent about/need to work through:

the move - both the physical strain and the mental strain

work things - frustrations with the current and the terrifying thing of finding a new job when this one is all i’ve known for 6 years and i’m ripping my safety blanket out from under me and lighting it on fire pretty much

nashville - the move itself, starting over with friends, job, apartment, lifestyle, gym, being the new girl alone in a city with no close by support system, moving away from my family for the first time, dating in a new place

past love life - mistakes i’ve made/they’ve made that i won’t let myself let go of and let define me and just in general

current love life (or lack there of) - feeling alone/being alone, being scared to get back into dating especially in a new place after so long since i was too scared to do that in the city/area i’ve lived in forever, feeling like i’m too awkward to date and that i’m so messed up mentally and physically that i’m not good enough for anyone that i would want and that i’m going to die alone

future - uncertainty of a career, family of my own, success, being a self sufficient adult and not a financial burden on my mother

body image/relationship to food/etc. - pretty much this post but more deep and really pulling the deep dark thoughts out of places i didn’t know existed so i can deal with them

feeling hopeless that i’ll ever be successful in any category of my life - if i can’t even lose weight, why would i ever think i would be able to have a happy relationship/good career/good support group/etc

feeling lost and alone and like i’m screaming out for help to anyone who will listen but not wanting to be a burden on them or be vulnerable and let someone in and have them reject/hurt me or give up this facade of i don’t have feelings and i’m totally fine when i’m not at all

yeah so as we can see i’m all sorts of fucked up and i know that each one of those topics has like pages and pages of words and that’s just the initial post let alone the ones after when i start to actually deal with them vs just getting it out at first. so just thinking about that is overwhelming so i just don’t deal with anything and that’s how i got here in the first place so it’s just a lot. i eventually want to do more posts that are more edited and more helpful to others who go through the same shit but right now all i can do is just word vomit and i know i won’t be of any help to anyone because i’m still going through it and have no idea on how to fix this so it would be the blind leading the blind but they’re both like blackout drunk and stumbling around lol. i feel like the scene from mean girls where the girl is like “i just have a lot of feelings” and i feel like everyone else is damian going “she doesn’t even go here” because i feel so alone and like different than everyone else and so in my own head that i’m isolating myself and making it that much worse because it’s not just in my head that i’m isolating myself because i actually am. oh god this is a whole other rant that i want to get into but i don’t know if i have the mental strength to fully unpack right now. i’m going to end this post because it’s already ungodly long and you may or may not see that posted soon after this one. i love how i say that like anyone follows this or knows this exists and is going to be looking for that post. this is pretty much me just talking to myself like a crazy person. whatever. i’ll be my own audience lol. okay goodbye.

[one-soul-two-brothers]

one-soul-two-brothers’ ultimate fic recs: wincest edition (part II)

how I chose these: Wincest fics are my (other) absolute faves to read First time fics are the best I like them to keep some semblance of canon Happy endings are a requirement A fic doesn’t have to have sex to be good (but it doesn’t hurt) They have all been thoroughly vetted (aka I’ve read them all at least twice, and will definitely be reading them all again) 

ENJOY!

best SELF HARM / ED

title: Brittle rating: explicit word count: 30k summary: Sam Winchester has an eating disorder. excerpt: They pass another mile marker and Sam takes another bite, chews it over contentedly and Dean’s smile dulls a fraction. He eases up off the gas and waits, and waits, and waits. Sam doesn’t take another bite until they come up on another mile marker. Dean speeds up. The next bite comes faster, at the next mile marker. When Dean laughs again it’s edging into mania. anna’s notes: Hands down one of my all-time favorites. It’s so well-written, it incorporates canon seamlessly, and it’s completely believable. Just...go read it. Now.

title: My Only Home rating: explicit word count: 13k summary: Dean's been gone a while, running wild with a twisted soul and black eyes. When Sam finally brings him back, Dean realizes his little brother hasn't been doing well in his absence, and he has more important things to worry about than what he did as a demon. excerpt: Dean’s human again and Sam should eat something but he can’t. Instead he takes another sip of the whiskey and swears he can feel it collecting hot in his otherwise empty belly. He’s never had a relapse like this before, even though pushing his plate away has remained a default response for him any time they fight. If he and Dean are in the thick of it, Sam can’t eat, but usually they make up pretty quick. All the years and miles between them and the desperation has never really subsided. They never did do so well with words, anyway. They’ve always said everything they needed to without them – with touches, kisses, teeth and hands. Sam needs that right now, he needs it the way he’s always needed it, but he won’t go to Dean. He needs his big brother, but he knows that the only thing that matters is that they’re together again at all; the rest has to be Dean’s choice.

best DRUNK DIAL

title: Moderation Itself rating: explicit word count: 4100 summary: The brothers get into a fight (over something stupid, of course) and Sam leaves. The absence stretches from weeks to months, and one night Dean can’t take it anymore and drunk-dials Sam, leaving a very non-brotherly message. excerpt: The next day, he hit Florida. He spent three days in Jacksonville, killing a water spirit like something out of Greek mythology, and then he was on the road again, passing through Georgia and Alabama and on up into Tennessee. Next thing he knew, it'd been a week since he'd gotten laid, and then two. It wasn't that he didn't have opportunities—hell, he was Dean Winchester, chicks practically fell onto his dick every time he walked into a bar—he just couldn't stop thinking about Sam, and how Sam apparently wanted to fuck Dean so bad that he'd up and left—Sam, his baby brother, who Dean had spent his whole fucking life trying to protect.

best FUCK OR DIE

title: Who Looks Inside, Awakes rating: explicit word count: 6600 summary: Dean finds himself the victim of spirit which drains life by inducing erotic nightmares. There's only one solution, but he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it at all...

best WEECEST

title: It Started Out With A Kiss rating: explicit word count: 17k summary: Sam has a date. That's not the problem. The problem is that Sam's asking Dean to teach him how to kiss. The problem is that this kiss changes everything. anna’s notes: I’m not a big fan of weecest in general (mainly because I like later-season fics) but this one is cute. And Sam is 17 here.

best MPREG

title: Riot Gear rating: mature word count: 21k summary: Shortly before they ganked Dick Roman Sam became pregnant. He either knew and didn't tell Dean because he didn't want to give Dean any more pressure or he had no idea at all. The stress and trauma of seeing Dean and Cas disappear along with Crowley taking off with Kevin sends Sam into a downward spiral. The added stress from hitting Riot causes Sam to have a miscarriage. Sam spends time recovering physically, but not emotionally, with Amelia who knows not to ask about the baby.When Dean gets back and reams Sam out for not looking for him, Sam can't bring himself to tell Dean what happened. He thinks Dean will blame him for losing their kid and that it'll be the final straw. anna’s notes: This is the first mpreg I’ve ever read mostly because I think it’s kinda weird. But I actually really liked this one! It’s totally heartbreaking (but it does eventually have a happy ending.)

best PLOT WHAT PLOT

title: You’re Possessing Me rating: explicit word count: 3200 summary: Dean goes looking for something to get himself off to--he's in no way expecting to stumble on porn vids of Sam. But now that he has, he's becoming obsessed.

title: untitled rating: explicit word count: 1000 summary: Dean buys a “create-a-cock” vibrator kit. excerpt: “You don’t think it’d be beneficial to you to watch me fuck myself using it? Or if we had to spend the night apart on a case or something, and you could watch how much I miss you on your laptop?” Dean stalks up to Sam, getting into his space and hooking his fingers into the belt loops of his jeans. “That doesn’t sound like anything you’d like at all?”

title: Nothing Is Enough For Me rating: explicit word count: 3300 summary: Sam uses the hotel shampoo and it causes an unexpected reaction.  excerpt: Without taking his eyes off the road, Dean reaches over and pushes Sam’s hair back behind his ear. His fingers slide through the silky strands and his fingertips graze Sam’s temple, tracing almost delicately over the curve of Sam’s ear before pulling away. It’s a simple, casually intimate gesture, something that would normally make Sam grin like a dork at the display of sweetness from his brother. Only today, whatever the shampoo was doing to Sam’s scalp made Dean’s touch race through him like an electric pulse. It sent goosebumps spreading down his arms and sides, even making his nipples hard. His eyes practically roll back in his head and he shudders in his Fed suit like Dean had just run his fingernails hard up Sam’s naked back.

best SEASON 12 CODAS  (episodes 1-11)

title: untitled (12x02) summary: Fix-it for the missing Brother Hug. anna’s notes: Ficlet. Shameless self-promo.

title: untitled (12x02) summary: The aftermath of Sam’s torture. anna’s notes: Ficlet.

title: First Crush (12x03) summary: Sam tells Mary about his first crush. anna’s notes: Ficlet. Probably my favorite ficlet ever.

title: untitled (12x07) summary: Sam’s stronger than Lucifer. anna’s notes: Ficlet.

title: Your Billie Will Explode if You Mix Them with Soda (12x09) rating: mature word count: 1140 summary: A short coda to "First Blood": what happened when they died. excerpt: “You will let us into our heaven while we’re dead.” “You must be joking.” “Non-negotiable.” “I hope you two decide it’s gonna be you, Dean.” “Yeah, I get that.”

title: Like A Virgin (12x09) excerpt: Circumstances being what they were, lube was not an option, so as soon as he bent Sam over and shoved Sam’s prison uniform down his body Dean spit into his palm, fingers circling Sam’s hole. “Fuck, you’re so tight,” Dean murmured in awe. “Like a fucking virgin again.” anna’s notes: Ficlet. Disgustingly hot.

title: After Blood (12x09) rating: explicit word count: 1244 summary: Sam and Dean take comfort in each other. excerpt: But when Billie had asked the question, when Dean had looked at Sam for what could have been the last time? He didn’t want to leave him, but he knew there was no way he could lose him either.

title: Coda 12.11 excerpt: The brother that had come in on the tail end of all of that had startled the living fuck out of him. There’d been no way to dodge the messy truth that had hit him like a hammer to the chest a moment later, and it had left a heart-deep, bone-deep bruise that Dean was pretty sure was going to hurt until he died. Because he’d known even then, amid the fading violet glow from the grimoire, that he couldn’t, wouldn’t, tell Sam about this, couldn’t ask the kid for this... anna’s notes: Ficlet. A+.

title: Distraction (12x11) rating: teen+ word count: 2200 summary: Losing his memories means that Dean loses inhibitions Sam didn't even know he had. excerpt: Dean’s smirk is fully back in place. He’s still up against the wall where Sam had pushed him, still shirtless and of course, still stunning. He licks his lips oh so slowly, eyes sliding down Sam’s body to where Sam is still hard in his pants. Sam’s breath is still coming short, and he scrambles for a way to stop this while he still can. Dean is like a child, he thinks, frustrated because Dean has always been better with kids than he has. What would he do with a child who wanted to do something they shouldn’t?

title: Until You Come Back Home (12x11) rating: mature word count: 4800 excerpt: Cas wonders, as he often does, if he should tell Sam that he knows what it really is that he needs. He decides that tonight, after all these years, he finally will. They’re not getting any younger, after all, and he’s mainly stayed out of it because he didn’t truly believe that two people so singularly and utterly devoted could be that stubborn and obtuse. It’s maddening, and it almost seems purposeful, how they ignore each others’ signals, like they each have that secret locked down so tight (out of shame, probably, or guilt), each other’s light can’t get through. It’s tragic, almost, if he’s being completely honest. anna’s notes: Okay but this is just fan-fucking-tastic. Starts off from Castiel’s POV but changes to the brothers’. First time, super sweet, just...so good. Go read it.

For my other ultimate fic recs (j2 non-au, j2 au, and wincest), go here.

[heartbuiltonhope]

Just As You Are - Cassian Andor x Reader

This was actually a request that I received yesterday. It was as follows: Would you be willing to write Cassian x Reader when the Reader has built up an eating disorder after her last relationship didn't end so great? (Delete this if it's outside of what you want to be doing, or something.)

I don’t have any personal experience with eating disorders and I’m not sure what the experience is like so I apologize if it sucks. If any of you struggle with this kind of thing always remember that you’re not alone. Even when you think you have no one, you have me and I care about every person on this planet. My advice is pretty shitty but I’m told that I’m a great listener so never be afraid to message me. Enjoy. xx 

Warnings: eating disorder, negative thoughts about self, angst, and fluff  

You can hardly remember a time when you weren't always worried about the way you looked. It seemed almost normal to you to worry about each and every piece of food you ate and very drink you consumed. At first, the task was agonizing but now you have difficulty imagining changing your lifestyle. You will never admit it out loud but that thought sometimes scares you. 

 Of course, there was once a time when you didn't care much about such things. You used to have no problem with the way you looked. Sure, you had a few insecurities about yourself, as everyone does, but they never used to haunt you they way they do now. You can almost pinpoint the exact time in your life when your mentality changed. Well, it's more like you can pinpoint the exact person who changed it. 

You grew up on Naboo and had a beautiful childhood. Your parents were loving and the planet was as peaceful as could be hoped for given the state of the galaxy at present. You even had a lover on Naboo, whose name was Jai. He was the most handsome man on the planet, you thought then. It seemed like every girl your age wanted him but he had chosen you. 

 You admired him for his strength as a soldier but he was also capable of wooing you with the sweetest words you had ever heard in your life. He made you feel wanted and that was enough. 

 Everything was perfect but then you noticed your love with Jai was withering away. He started to avoid you anytime he could get away with it. When you managed to track him down he wasn't as sweet as he had been. In fact, it wasn't until you cornered him after days of trying to find him that he finally told you the truth. 

 "Jai, please tell me what's wrong. I'll do anything to fix it, to fix us," you say as you attempt to wrap your arms around his neck. At your attempt, he immediately pulls your arms back down to your sides and your heart drops. 

 "We can't be fixed, Y/N. Please, just let it go," Jai replies as he begins to make his way out the door of your room. At his reply you couldn't help the anger that boiled within you. You hasten your movements and block his escape. 

 "If you're just going to throw everything that we have away then I at least deserve a reason why!" you yell as you force him away from the door. That seems to make Jai equally angry and there is nothing in the galaxy that could prepare you for what he's about to say. 

 "Y/N, I just don't love you anymore! I've found someone else," he starts. "You aren't what I want. You just don't look the part."

 Any attempt at giving him an equally aggressive and hurtful response is suddenly shut down. Tears spring to your eyes before you can even try to hold them back.

 "What is that supposed to mean? You don't love me anymore because of my weight?" you ask quietly. 

 Jai can only raise his arms up and make his way past you to the door. You don't even care if he leaves anymore and you'd rather not look to see him go. 

 "You can take my comments however you want," you hear him say behind you. You can hear the door open before he adds, "Good luck finding someone who will love you just as you are." Then the door slams shut. 

 You fall to your knees on the floor and cry. There seems to be no other option for you. You thought you would marry Jai and stay with him on Naboo. You wanted a family with him but within a few sentences he managed to tear up your heart and destroy your self-esteem. 

 You wanted to hate him. You deserved to hate him. But in some twisted way you just started to hate yourself. You hated your body because it wasn't good enough for Jai. You just weren't enough to make him stay. 

 Any hopes of staying on Naboo had left with Jai. There was nothing for you here so you told your parents you were joining the rebellion. They tried to stop you but you were decided. You left days after the incident with Jai and you didn't look back. 

You thought the rebellion would help you forget about Jai and in some ways it did. You met people from all over the galaxy and you knew the cause you were fighting for was just. But your self-esteem never seemed to recover. You suddenly felt like a stranger in your own body and you just wanted to feel better. So you started watching what you eat, you skipped meals whenever you could, and if you ate too much or became scared of putting on weight then you just forced yourself to vomit. The results were instant and you saw the change. You were far more slender and you could easily see the bones of your ribs and hips when you stood in the mirror in your undergarments. 

 You started to like what you saw in the mirror and your habits became routine. You didn't feel any better about yourself but there was a sickening joy in your heart that your body was finally enough.

One of your most trusted friends was Cassian Andor. He was a respected captain in the rebellion with years of experience. You respected him as well but you knew your feelings went deeper than that. He was amazing. He had been one of the first people to welcome you after you left Naboo. He made you feel safe enough to talk about your past and he felt safe with you to talk about his. He knew almost everything about you, except your lost love on Naboo and your deepest and darkest feelings about yourself. There were times when you wanted to say something to him about it but you were afraid. You were afraid that he would think you were crazy for going to such extremes to boost your self-confidence but mostly, you were afraid that he would tell you that Jai had been right.

 You finish up some work on the U-Wing that had been damaged in a recent altercation with the Empire. You had first thought of becoming a nurse for the rebellion but you eventually fell in love with working with your hands on the ships. For now, you were a mechanic but you also hoped of becoming a pilot so that you could get into some action for the cause.

 You wipe your hands against the soft cloth that you looped through one of the belt loops on your mechanics uniform. You wipe away some of the sweat that has collected on your forehead and look at the clock. It’s dinnertime and most people are packing up or dropping their work to get something to eat. You decide to skip out on the meal once again and hope that you can continue your work without being disturbed. Every once in a while, one of your colleagues tries to shuffle you to the mess hall but after refusing so many times they’ve stopped trying. The galaxy seems to have other plans for you, however, as you feel a hand place itself on your shoulder gently. You turn to face the visitor and there Cassian stands, a pleasant grin on his face that reaches his eyes.

 “Y/N, how are you?” he asks through his smile. The smile seems to be contagious as it becomes mirrored on your own lips.

 “Cassian, hi. I’m good. I’m just finishing up this U-Wing. Simon has been asking about it for days,” you reply. Cassian’s smile becomes a smirk as he surveys your work.

 “He won’t be disappointed,” he says while he runs his hand over the cool metal of the ship. You imagine him running that same hand through your hair and your knees suddenly feel weak.

 “Thanks, Cassian. That means a lot coming from you,” you reply softly. You start to wonder why Cassian has approached you in the first place but before you can ask him he says, “I actually came over to ask you to accompany me to dinner. I hardly see you in the mess hall and it’d like to spend more time with you.”

 Your mind almost short-circuits. It just sounded like Cassian was asking you for a date. But that couldn’t be. You were you and he’s…Cassian. There’s just no way he would choose you. Besides, he wanted you to eat. There was too much that could go wrong. Cassian would notice you playing with your food but not eating or you would just have to cut your time with him short to make yourself throw up in your living quarters. You just couldn’t do it. Cassian wouldn’t find out your secret like this.

 “I’m sorry Cassian but I should really just double check my work so Simon can get his ship back in the morning. Besides, I ate dinner early so I’m good. Maybe next time?” you reply. It kills you to refuse him and you want to take back everything you just said but your brain won’t let you. It tells you Cassian couldn’t possibly want you and you just don’t look the part.

You expect Cassian to walk away after hearing your refusal but he actually moves closer to you. His smirk is gone but he still wears a small smile. It’s barely there and his dark brown eyes have softened. He suddenly looks sad but you aren’t sure if you’re just imagining that.

 He opens his arms wide, inviting you into a hug and you don’t refuse that. You are immersed in his body warmth and your treacherous mind is quieted. You can just enjoy his arms wrapped tightly around you and the tickle of his breath against your ear.

 “Okay then, next time it is,” Cassian whispers into your ear before he pulls away, wearing the same sad smile as before.  You nod softly and watch him walk away until he’s out of sight. Then, you return to your work. All the while your brain picks back up its battle with your heart, telling you that you did the right thing. Your heart doesn’t seem to agree.

As Cassian walks away from you he feels his heart ache with each step. One part of him wants to hold you forever, to be honest with you and just tell you openly what his heart has been feeling for so long. Another part of him wants to question you about something he thinks has been troubling you since you joined the rebellion. He did want to ask you to dinner so he could spend more time with you but he was also testing you to see how you would respond.

 He could almost see the defeated look in your eyes as you refused his offer. Not only that but he was an intelligence officer so he knew a lie when he heard one. He hadn’t seen you leave your post since you had a small plate of fruit in the morning and one piece of toast at lunch in the mess hall. He knew for a fact that you hadn’t had dinner today. Piecing all of this information together can only mean one thing and that thought frightens him.

 He suddenly doesn’t feel hungry anymore so he passes the cafeteria to just get to bed. He knows he won’t be able to sleep but he makes a promise to himself to confront you tomorrow to find out the truth from your own lips.

 He remembers how frail and thin you felt while he held you in the hug. He continues his walk to his room, his heart throbbing with each step. 

You wake up early the next morning. Today is a special day. Not only have you finished Simon’s ship, which is ready for him to pick up, but it’s also your first day of flight training. Bodhi, a close friend of Cassian’s, agreed to teach you at the base so you could learn but still work as a mechanic.

 You hurriedly get dressed and make your way down to the cafeteria. Bodhi promised to meet you at the hangar at dawn and you don’t want to be late. When you get there, you fill a small plate up with fruit and find your usual seat in the corner. To your surprise, Cassian is awake as well and sitting in the seat across from yours. It seems that he has also taken the liberty of filling a large plate of food for you, which sits steaming on the table. You can see a small stack of bread with eggs and some sort of meat. Your stomach lurches in want but you feel nothing but dread.

 You attempt to make a beeline for the exit with your plate but Cassian seems to have learned your tricks.

 “Y/N! Come sit. You owe me a date,” he calls out to you. There are not many people awake at this time but the few people present seem to perk up at Cassian’s words and holler at you playfully. Your cheeks heat up in embarrassment as you turn and sit across from the rebel captain.

 “Good morning,” he says while he continues to eat this breakfast. He looks up at you questioningly when he notices you eating only from your plate and ignoring the one he prepared for you. “I got you some food. Eat it, please. Bodhi tells me he’s teaching you how to fly today so you’ll need a good meal to give you some energy.”

 You smile softly and glance at the plate. It looks delicious but you worry about the effects it will have on your body. You tell yourself that if you eat like this everyday you’ll look like your old self. You’ll have the body that Jai was so repulsed by. You look up at Cassian and he has stopped eating and he’s just watching you. He appears to be searching your eyes for any clue as to what you’re thinking. He looks so desperate for you to eat something so you decide that you won’t disappoint him this time. Besides, you’ll still have some time to run back to your room to expel whatever you eat before you meet Bodhi.

 You place a small piece of egg in your mouth and expect to be disgusted but it’s the opposite. You almost moan with the flavor of the morsel of food. It’s hot and smooth. It makes you miss home and for one second you miss your old self. The person who was carefree and not so worried about weight and food and other people’s opinions. The positive feelings you experience guide you to eat more of the food until it has almost run out. Across from you, Cassian has a grin on his face and enjoys his own food. He doesn’t interrupt you as you eat, he just watches you and you don’t know this but the throbbing in his heart disappears.

 As you look at the clock you notice that it’s almost time to get to the hangar, Bodhi is most likely already there. You look down to see that the large plate is practically empty while the small plate of fruit has been untouched. Then, the guilt sets in. You just ate more in one sitting then you allowed yourself in the past week. You can feel the lump in your throat forming quickly but there’s no way you’ll let Cassian see you cry.

 “I need to go,” you say shakily. Your attempt to stabilize your voice was weak and unconvincing so you don’t wait for a reply from the dark haired captain as you bolt back to your room.

Cassian watches you leave. The throbbing in his heart has seemed to come back with a vengeance. As he watched you eat, he felt a certain satisfaction with himself. As you took each bite, he felt the weight leave his shoulders. But now the weight was back as well and it was crushing him. He immediately gets up to run after you, leaving the dishes at the table. He just needs to make sure you’re okay.

You reach your room and close the door behind you. You leave it unlocked since you’re going to be heading back out in a minute or so. You walk to the bathroom and retrieve the toothbrush that you keep in a drawer for occasions such as this. You’ve done this loads of times and it shouldn’t faze you. But it does for some reason.  You’re reminded of the enjoyment you had tasting and savoring the food and the enjoyment of having Cassian’s attention.

 “What are you doing?” you hear a voice boom through your thoughts. Cassian is suddenly next to you and he reaches to grab the toothbrush that sits in your hand. Your instincts kick in and you try to push him away but he’s too strong. He forces the toothbrush out of your hand and eyes it. His gaze shifts from you, to the toothbrush, to the nearby toilet and the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. He walks out of the bathroom and into your room and you follow him in hopes of getting your toothbrush back.

 “What are you doing to yourself?” Cassian asks again, more quietly this time. He turns towards you and there are tears in his eyes. You shrink into yourself as you realize the moment that you’ve tried to avoid since you met Cassian has arrived.

 “I have to do this,” you whisper pathetically. Cassian’s face contorts in anger and you worry that he’ll explode again but he stops himself. He takes a deep breath, relaxes his features, and walks closer to you.

 “This is dangerous, Y/N. You’re hurting yourself. You don’t need to be doing this…why? Why do you do this to yourself?” he asks. The tears in his eyes begin to fall and the sight makes tears come to your own eyes.

 “I have to. When I was younger, I thought I had met the love of my life,” you start to say. A sob rips through you as the tears fall down your face. “He was perfect but I’m not. I wasn’t good enough. He told me that I just don’t look the part. I have to do this. I need to be enough. This makes me feel like I’m enough.” You speak quickly and feel yourself break down with each word. The sobs continue and Cassian pulls you into a tight hug.

 “Shhh, please calm down. You don’t need to say anything right now. I want to be the one to talk,” he whispers into your shoulder. He pulls away to hold your face in his hands as your hiccups and sobs continue. “I adore you. From the first time I saw you I thought you were beautiful. I still think you’re beautiful. You mean the world to me and to know you’re doing this to yourself kills me. It’s kills me more than anything. That guy is not the love of your life. He’s an idiot who never deserved you. The real love of your life is standing right in front of you. I’m right here and I love you. I love you so much and you don’t need to do this to yourself. You are enough. You’re more than enough. I love you just as you are.”

 Just as you are. Cassian Andor loves you just as you are.

 Those are the words you thought would only bring you heartbreak but Cassian has just given them new life. Those words no longer make you want to hurt yourself. They make you feel like you’re enough.

 You reach out to wipe away one of the tears that escapes Cassian’s eyes. “Cassian, I love you too. I never thought I could feel like I was enough but you help me to. You’ve always helped but I never thought you would want me so I just never stopped punishing myself for opinions that I knew didn’t matter. I want to be with you so desperately that it hurts.”

 Cassian wraps you in another hug and just holds you for a small while. For once your heart has overpowered your brain and you feel at peace. Cassian nuzzles into your neck and you let yourself smile.

 “I’ll always help you, mi amor. You don’t have to do these things anymore. I love you so much and I’ll never hurt you. You’ll always be enough. I’ll stand by you everyday and help you get better. I swear that I will,” he says into the room and your heartbeat gets faster. Your tears stop and your sobs quiet down and disappear and you feel renewed. You place a kiss on Cassian’s cheek and you smile widely at him. The dark haired captain smiles back at you.

 “Can I kiss you?” you ask him quietly.

 “Number one rule, mi amor…you never need to ask,” he replies with a small chuckle.

 You grab at Cassian’s face and lead him down for a soft kiss. It’s short and sweet. You want to make it deeper but you remember that you have all the time in the world to spend loving Cassian so you pull away softly and look into the eyes of the man who loves you just as you are.

To the anon who requested this, I hope you liked it! Also, @princeofsassgard I finally learned how to tag for you! :) 

P.S. Always remember that you are enough. xx