#okay i've vented
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It's always fun experiencing severe mental illness symptoms because of fiction, eh?
#helluva boss#Stolitz#helluva boss spoilers#helluva spoilers#I feel like I've finally managed to stabilise myself#Which is impressive. It's taken less than 24h. Thank you therapy#Last time a fandom left me emotionally in shambles (the last of us 2) it took me days to overcome the anxiety#Anyway the reason I'm talking about this is to hopefully give some visibility to the fact that this kind of thing can happen#When you struggle with mental illness#I'm not posting to vent or because I need help or anything! I'm fine!#But I do want others to know that it's okay if you're not fine because of something fictional you really care about and you're not alone#This is your reminder to think back to techniques that have helped you handle anxiety before if you're feeling shaken or on edge now#You got this!!!
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Me, frazzled out of my mind, running on 5 hours of sleep, two coursework modules submitted, with two coursework deadlines still to go in the next two weeks, realising the utter hell I'm about to go through
#I don't have twitter okay this is how I vent leave me be#if you're doing a very challenging academic course at uni#do not make my mistake#do NOT choose 4 coursework modules to avoid doing a written exam#because the uni will fuck you over#and put all four within the same three week period#in the past week alone I've submitted 13k words#and I've still got 7k more to submit#and they're not fun words#they're boring boring no good academic words#university#exams#dissertation#graduation#exam season
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Sorry to be obssessed about this but it's haunting me : what i learnt from yesterday is that a dermatologist saw my skin six years ago, when it was starting to get real red, and told me "you have to hide it" while it could be either rosacea type 2 or lupus. So he just decided he wouldn't help me and let me suffer one of two known and treatable chronic illnesses, one being deadly dangerous if left untreated. And since I got told "you can't do anything about it", I did hide it so well that my doctor was shocked that I didn't tell her sooner. What can you do when you got told by a professional that you're incurable AND that you have to hide your face forever at 24yo. I am beyond gutted and I am just waiting anxiously to rule out lupus but GOD. I feel betrayed and unlucky and so damn angry :(
#okay i'll stop but it sent me in shock yesterday tbh#If i get the news that I have a chronic illness in a few days nobody will care anyway#nobody ever cares#I feel so alone about that situation. I spent years hiding and now i get told it could be really serious....#It's my week vacation and i'm going to stress over a blood test#i've been betrayed by doctors and i don't feel like people around me knows what i'm going through#sibe vents
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gfghhFTHGHH AAAAAAA GODDAMIT OUR WORKPLACE HAS A FUCKING RAT INFESTATION 🐀 AND THE WAY WE'VE LEARNED ABOUT IT? DURING SUNDAY A RAT ATE THROUGH ONE OF THE PACKAGES 💀💀💀
#HHHHHHGFGGHGH#IF THIS IS WHY I'VE BEEN ITCHING THIS WHOLE MONTH I AM TOSSING MYSELF OFF THE ROOF#💀💀💀#ALSO IF YOU THINK THEY WILL QUARANTINE THE PLACE YOU ARE VERY NAIVE#/vent#personal#i need to come up with an excuse to get sick leave..... for like a year#💀#WHY MY LUCK IS LIKE THIS#okay fine I will try to get someone to quarantine the place but like.. this is a clown country#so who knows#💀💀💀💀💀💀
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this whole week has just kinda felt like. i've been trying to cope by keeping myself distracted, cause. what the hell else can i do when i'm stuck in a situation with no way out until help arrives. so i'll just like. watch a show or something, and then something stressful will happen again irl, and i'll be too distressed to keep watching that thing bc now my brain's associating it with that stress, so i'll have to find something else to occupy me until the next stressful thing happens
#i'm losing my damn marbles over here#vent //#the only times i've felt okay this week have been while i was at work. that's how bad it is rn y'all know how much i hate my job#it's. gonna be okay. my aunt's coming over tomorrow to take care of my mom#i leave for work in the afternoon and when i get back my dad should be home#and the responsibility will be off my shoulders and we can figure out a way forward that doesn't involve me being in constant distress#we're gonna figure out a way to get mom the help she needs. she's gonna be okay and so am i.
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Aw geez, Depression Hell has absolutely chewed through my ability to write for more than 2 years and counting, but the reviews I've gotten since I began posting Your Head Will Lie in Dust have been reminding me of why I write fanfiction at all: wrecking absolute havoc on the mindscapes of total strangers I will never meet and at best will exchange a truly delightful comment thread or two with
Thank you all for every view and kudos and bookmark and comment and everything else
#your head will lie in dust#look man i've been so divorced from writing i basically don't even work here anymore#but the COMMENTS i've gotten this week are SO GOOD#y'all're just ranting at me wholesale AND loving my OCs??? i'm not okay#and there have been SEVERAL people going 'oh shit ANTHROP posted?!'#like i'm somebody worthwhile for my sadsack nonsense#i keep 98% of my venting off the internet but just. thank you. thank you so much.#your appreciation of whatever i can muster an effort to in my veteran migraine hellscape means the world and more to me#i'm already embarrassed by the earnestness i put forth in the 1st chapter but still i must say#i love you i love i love you#i'll never know any of you beyond the input you put into my silly fanfiction but i love you
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#sometimes it like. yeah. this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life.#just me and my pets and nobody else#and i think im okay with that about 80% of the time#but then that other 20% is spent looking at my sister and her boyfriend or my mom and stepdad or my step sisters and their husbands#or literally everybody else in my age group in long term relationships/marriages#and thinking ''i'd like to have a little bit of that too someday.''#someone to hold my hand and kiss me and hold me and tell me im good enough#someone who loves me#(and ik i can also feel this way with platonic relationships#but every time someone says that in response to this (bc i've vented about it before) it just makes me feel bad for even wanting-#-a romantic relationship in the first place. like it's a shameful and dirty thing to want.)#cj talks
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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#if I've made anyone uncomfortable with the things I've been posting the last few days that was in fact the point and fully intended#and I don't say that to be cruel but simply to drive home the point that fandom spaces can be both safe and hostile at the same time#it is a deeply uncomfortable thing to acknowledge and I know most people do no want to deal with that and I understand that truly#but it was important to me to acknowledge and to give my opinion so that's what I did#At the same time none of this changes my opinion on my ship or the fact that I love a certain character other people find problematic#and I am fine with people finding that problematic because I am human being I am problematic by default#and I am confident enough in myself as a person to know when to acknowledge when I've contributed to problematic behavior#and realize the world doesn't end when this happens#my opinion of the fandom I've made my home in hasn't changed either#I had these views before and now they're out there in the open messy wording and all#and if you've decided that changes your opinion of me for the worse that's fine you can unfollow block etc#I understand that even in my attempt to acknowledge hurt within my fandom I've probably hurt other people and I have made my peace with it#but for everyone else that's shown me support both on tumblr and in private#for everyone that's listened to me vent about this subject over DMs and validated my hurt feelings#instead of trying to press your own discomforts onto me to carry in addition to my own#thank you#I've carved a permanent space in my heart for you and I truly mean that#I waded into this mess fully expecting to be ignored at best and to lose connections at worst and I was fully okay with it#but the love I've gotten and the deep honest and vulnerable conversations I've had over the last few days has truly been astounding to me#this last part is taking me AGES to write#because I'm actually crying thinking about all the good that's come out of this#and I acknowledge that's not a universal opinion and that's fine I'm really only speaking to my personal experience with what's happened#which despite outward appearances has been incredibly cathartic and uplifting for me#and I don't need everyone in the fandom to share my views or validate me or tell me I'm right people are allowed to disagree#I also don't need to have a deep personal and honest connection with everyone in the fandom where I can share my deepest vulnerabilities#but the fact that I could have that connection with some of you? that's enough for me. it's everything to me.
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Flash Wind: Mod???
#mod post#mlp#fim#flashmod#flash wind#pony#pegasus#adhd#vent art#i'm okay. just thought this would be funny sharing what I've been going through since artfight ended
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I ate something and cleaned the kitchen so I'll stick around here a little longer lmao
#hangry drama is the most embarrassing#but its true that I've felt really disconnected here#it's probably all in my head#and the fact that i don't reach out and maintain connections is a lot of that feeling right now#anyway i hope you're all doing okay. i just really don't know if this space is serving me anymore. at least not in the way i want it to#if that makes sense. ugh#i think I'm just stressed out.#vent
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Testing you guys to see what you think of me..🤔
#I know some of you may think it's “absurd” or idk but that's what I sometimes think you guys think of me#and to be sure. I wanted to do this poll to see if I'm right or wrong#also- please be sincere. what counts here are not exactly the votes but your sincerity. okay?#so try your best to just vote on what you really think of me.#and if don't have any of the options of what do you think of me. say it in the comments or reblogs that also counts! <3#(this is just a test. also- I really have no content and I wanted something to post so.. that's why I'm doing this anddd#I really wanted to know what you think of me. I have great insecurity about whether or not I'm someone you like or don't like and.. anyways#I just wanted to know <3)#i'm mel and this is my blog✌️#my art blog#not an art post#vent? not really#my polls#(I don't know if I've ever done that. but if so. sorry but I'll do it again qjbzjsbd)#mel creator#mel loly
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hm.
#fucking hell. do you guys ever think about how normalized racism against indians is? I know i do#god.. why can't i just exist? why is it so normal to be so fucking disgusting about my people? i've spent my whole life thinking i'm#unattractive and ugly because of my body hair and my brown skin and the shape of my nose and the smell of my food#why can't i have all the sweet things the pretty girls have? will i ever be perceived as the same as them? will i always be unattractive?#my relationship with my culture is.. complicated. but still... it hurts so much. it weighs on me so heavily#sure i make jokes so often but i'm not exactly a shining beacon of peak self esteem. i think that how my people are percieved is a huge par#of why i feel that way about myself. it's to the point where i think my f/os would be better off dating someone else or wouldn't like me#because they'd think my culture is 'weird'#idk man. i've just been having a night#i saw some a.qua ship art and fell down a rabbit hole and spiraled. wow... would she even like me at all? or find me attractive in any way?#this is so unlike me y'all LMAAOOO you know how they say you should never listen to your thoughts past 9pm? yeah. it's almost 1am rn-#i should go to bed. i'll be okay. just been a lot going on and even more on my mind#sigh..#vent#i'll delete this later gamers#goodnight pals
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More Stalker Y/N Cause I love them and keep getting ideas
More stalker comics!
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#stalker AU#Stalker Y/N#Comic#Fnaf sun#sundrop#They'll be okay#posessive behavior#slight vent art#I've come off as stalkerish before#I'm just a loud person#and affectionate#Not really a flirt though#I've got a few more comic ideas for this#cw suggestive#stalker comic#art#my art
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everyone pray for me that i did not just give myself food poisoning (;･∀･)
#i may have made a bad decision with the meat i cooked shdjdkl BUT I THINK IT'LL BE FINE#it was past the date on the packaging but it didnt smell or look or feel off at all so . i decided to risk it#and now im panicking bc i think perhaps that was actually rly stupid fhdkdl#but it was. so much money. i had no idea the date was so soon on the package when i got it from mum#I would've frozen it if I'd known dhdksl i should've looked#alas !!! i think it'll be fine tbh bc it genuinely did not seem spoiled at all so ... now we just pray#i had a fairly small serving of it and I'll see how i feel to figure out if the rest of it is safe to eat or not#im just fhdjdkl crying a little rn bc the past two days have been so awful and im so tired#i rly dont want to get sick on top of everything else going on#i would like one thing to go well fjdkdl just like. one thing. this feels like divine punishment for having the old lady group go so well#im just kind of losing my mind rn i think actually fhfkdl i have a therapy/counseling appt on monday though so we'll see if that helps#i do not have high hopes fjfkdl#MANNNN. can the universe give me a break PLEASE. I've been trying so hard the past three weeks to do well 😭😭#im putting in so much work and effort fhdksl can i PLEASE have this one thing go okay djdksl i do not want to get sick !!!#if i do get sick then im just. hhhhh. idk djdkdl it's just one more thing to add to my pile of Bad ig djdkdl what can ya do djdkdl#i am going to pull myself together and stop crying and go play stardew maybe idk fjdkdl i feel like im starting to crack a little bit#augh. augh. i would love to catch a break djdkdl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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Yeah, you should only create for yourself, but if I'm putting it out there I would like to know that I'm not just endlessly shouting into the void
#you ever feel like this about your original posts? cause I do#idk like. I would like to DISCUSS my thoughts with someone but it never goes that far#and I realize I don't have the most popular opinions all the time but shit you'd think some people would agree enough to reblog every#once in awhile#idk I'm feeling insecure about myself lately. this is okay to reblog btw I'm just venting my thoughts in the tags#em rambles#idk there was a time I felt like I had a place and served a purpose and provided content for a very small circle of fandom#but now I honestly can't tell who's there anymore#maybe that's why I've been struggling to write. I've always written for myself first but a big motivator for me was getting to share#that with people who would really enjoy it#but now idk#I'll never leave tumblr but sometimes I wonder why I even bother posting original posts anymore lmao
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