#on god I am scared and feeling weeeeeeird

[nautilus-that-eats-hyacinths]

uhm.

just found. a bunch of texts. with my ex. which I forgot to delete cause I forgot they existed. they're from a year ago. so much has changed. im no where near who I was. I am still 99% the same person. what the fuck. I am in distress. dude. wtf.

Mudaram as estações Nada mudou Mas eu sei que alguma coisa aconteceu Tá tudo assim, tão diferente

Se lembra quando a gente Chegou um dia a acreditar Que tudo era pra sempre Sem saber que o pra sempre sempre acaba?

Cássia Eller was so right for this, on god

translation:

the seasons have changed

nothing has changed

but I know something happened

everything's just so... different

remember when we

once believed

everything was forever

without knowing that forever always ends

[creaturebehavior]

i’m like so unstable and i didn’t even know about it because i exist in such denial

i’m in a hard part of my life right now. on the outside i keep pretending i have my shit together

i’m in that weeeeeeird spot i haven’t been in for awhile where i am so desperate to talk to someone and cry to them but i refuse to because i feel like i already used up my right to cry to someone when i was in my addiction.

i am too hard on myself. i am so burnt out and all i can think about is how i need to be doing more, i should be doing more, other people do so much more than me so i should be able to do more.

why do i think that being hard on myself will solve anything? i put so much pressure on myself that i lose my ability to function and then i put more pressure on myself because i should be functioning just as good as everyone one else.

i haven’t felt that intense need for escape in a long time but i was in the shower today crying and i was like whoa i remember why i never knew how to be sober before. i remember why i was always high on something, it wasn’t because i was having fun it was because i was overwhelmed.

and then i panicked because i can’t find the energy to do my step work and then what if that causes me relapse? there’s such a sense of impending doom in recovery sometimes. it feels like if i am not perfect i am going to die. they say progress not perfection but the people around me act like they’re so perfect and i start to compare my insides to their outsides.

i’m feeling that kind of emotional pain where it vibrates through your body, like not just the pain in my chest it’s radiating through my arms and my shoulders and my back it’s that yucky painful vibration that makes me feel really small and like i need a hug but i’m too stubborn so i act angry and push everyone away instead.

can’t believe i’m an adult who still acts angry whenever i really just need a hug and i need to cry.

while i was in the shower i had the urge to slice my body up all over like i used to just to get all the feeling out of me and it was so weird to stand there and know i don’t cut myself anymore and i don’t use drugs anymore, i just stood there like so what do i do? and i continued to stand there and cry.

for me, to feel is to grow because i don’t know how to feel my feelings. every time i have a feeling i want to intellectualize it and then the feeling disappears and i’m just left with words.

it was weird to stand in the shower and cry while sober. it felt unsafe to sit down. it was already all too familiar to be in there crying.

i called on God and i still felt empty. it was really strange.

i’m in bed now naked and still crying off and on.

it’s silly to me how much i pretend. i know i do it because i’m scared that if i tell the truth others will not like me, and also i’m scared that if i tell the truth then it will be real and i will have to face it.

being in denial gets me absolutely nowhere though and i honestly wish it wasn’t automatic for me to put my walls up and put a mask on.

what would it be like to be myself? and to be raw? and to be authentic? what would it be like to live my truth?

i want that more than anything. i’m so tired.

god im so disappointed in how i was acting today before i was able to cry. i get angry whenever i need to cry because i’m afraid to be vulnerable. i don’t like being angry. i just want to cry.

i just want to be cry and be real. why do i always have my guard up? i am so exhausted