#one last thing: i trust you all but i dont want to see any aphobia int hr notes. i am aroace and nothing can change that.

[terrarium-of-mistakes]

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: I, an aromantic asexual have just simulated what I believe allos consider a "crush"

It's definitely not an actual crush. I know myself, I know I don't feel the romantic attraction needed for a crush. Not to mention, after a minute of crisis, the feeling vanished, and I have returned to normal.

Anyway, here's the recipe:

An aesthetically attractive actor

A character you're attached too (in my case, via fanfic)

And as a bonus: respect for the actor's skill/respect for the shows quality

All this is to say, I just watched episode 1 of Daredevil, and this man gave me an identity crisis

[thejsorcerer]

hello again... sorry to come back with another questiom but your last answer really helped me out...

is it.. normal to feel guilt for being aro and/or ace in some way? like... i see beautiful and handsome anf charming women in relationships with eachother and. everything in me craves that kind of love and bond like nothing else (not me realising I'm most likely a lesbian in the middle of writing this ask) but the thought of anyone approaching me with it in real life scares me.

part of me thinks i just dont trust anyone to give them a chance, or its some weird form of internalised lesbophobia... but i just... the thought of having a wife, and being a wife to my wife fills my body with auch warmth and want and bliss... but in reality...

i dont know... and i feel bad because i dont... sorry if this is alot but any advice would really be appreciated. thank you 💫

tw // internalized aphobia, internalized homophobia, religious trauma.

No need to apologize, I'm always open to listen and to help with what I can 🥺❤.

I think this is something important to disccuss bc even if no one talks about it, I believe it's a common feeling between aros and/or aces. Personally, I've also felt this way and I bet if we ask, many more aspecs have felt it too. Wanting a relationship, a companion or partner to take care of and be affectionate with... but feeling discouraged that you'll never get to experience that bc you don't feel romantic/sexual attraction.

You don't have to feel guilty for being aro/ace... you didn't choose to be aspec. You just are. You didn't choose to feel this way so, how can you feel guilty for things you can't change? 👀

I think we've all seen people in relationships and wanted that too... but deep down we know we won't have that bc we do not experience romantic / sexual attraction. Or we won't experience a relationship, at least not in the same way, which is the point I want to make. You CAN be aromantic/asexual and still desire a relationship. You CAN have a relationship (romantic, sexual, queerplatonic, however you want to label it) and it doesn't make you any less aro / ace 💚💜.

"The thought of anyone approaching me irl scares me."

I've felt this way too. The mere idea of someone (regardless of their gender) approaching me and asking me out, triggers my fight or flight response and really makes me anxious. First, bc I don't feel the same way about that person, chances are I don't like you that way and second, bc it sucks to say no and "break someone's heart," you know? But I also remind myself that I won't FORCE myself to say yes and perform romance, perfom something I am not feeling for this person...

So I understand your feeling!

It may also mean you're somewhere in the aro spectrum and the thought of dating someone you don't feel attracted to is not appealing, but if it were someone you shared a bond with or connected emotionally with first, could make you say yes. (See terms like demiromantic, grayromantic if you're interested.)

Either way, please know this is a very common aromantic experience; you're not alone in this 🥺💚.

"the thought of having a wife and being a wife fills my body with warmth and bliss but in reality... I don't know."

story of my life HAHAHA. Let me explain: for a long time, after accepting I'm aro, I thought I was romance repulsed & this was because the idea of marrying and dating a man, kissing, being romantic and affectionate with one, made me super uncomfortable and I knew I had never felt attracted to one so I was obviously aro. Emphasis on "a man" 👀.

After dismantling the internalized homophobia I'd live with, due to religious indoctrination; I was able to ask myself "do I like girls?" (which had been a recurring identity crisis I'd had but ignored in the past). I knew I was asexual by then, so I was wondering if I was really aromantic or simply homoromantic. And during this questioning is that I understood I really was arospec (probably demiromantic, still don't know. Aromantic Spectrum! 🥰) but still lesbian oriented & not romance repulsed.

I came to terms with being romance indifferent/favorable. I do want a relationship (romantic or ambiguously so) but it's not a priority of mine. It's not something I NEED but something I would consider if someone I became emotionally close with asked for. I hope all of this made sense 🤍.

My point is that I also desire a companion, a wife (that would be lovely), & yes, it is something I've fantasized about. But I know that because I'm arospec, romantic feelings don't come easy to me & I seriously doubt I'll ever feel that way about someone, but the future is unpredictable. And I try not to overthink it. If it happens, it happens. But I've also come to terms with being by myself and loving my own companionship too 💘.

I have accepted that a partner isn't a priority of mine and that I don't need a romantic relationship, but it is something I would consider if given a chance.

In conclusion....

you can be aro/ace and desire a companion. you can be aro/ace and have a relationship (romantic-ish) & you're still part of these communities 💚💜

[izzyliker]

Hey, asking you this as nicely as I can but can you give the immediate victim blaming a break. The absolute lack of respect you have for the people tmc abused is genuinely disheartening. Yes, he’s a shitty person, you’re entitled to hate him but immediately going “well you should’ve seen it coming earlier lol we’ve been saying this” is just ASTONISHINGLY shortsighted and cruel. Have your opinions about him and the situation all you want I would just ask that you please keep it to yourself due to the many many people he’s hurt that are still on here and can see you disparaging them.

ok, that is not what i have been saying. "well you should've known" is not an accurate summary of my feelings on this matter but apologies if thats how it came across. i have been in an abusive relationship where the person did a lot of the same things and i, too, defended that person without considering how it impacted other people. i almost lost my best friend because of how i acted as a result of keeping him in my life while people around me kept telling me to get tf out. i know.

what i am is im frustrated and annoyed by how long people were willing to publicly and passionately defend this guy while apparently fully aware what kind of shit he was doing to other people, many of which is detailed in the callout itself, and how this is now being framed as news. before the document itself was published all me (or anyone) had to go off of was vague posts that amounted to a "callout trailer" and almost all of the information on it was shit that was 100% completely public knowledge. 20+ people being aware of all that goddamn stuff and not one of them publicly stopping associating with him is frustrating. it comes across as spineless and yes, like one anon told GD, gaslighty (although i have my own issues with this being used on a large scale instead of in interpersonal relationships but i understand where they were coming from). his lesbophobia, transphobia (strange that none of the transphobia towards trans men was mentioned?), and panphobia/aphobia/biphobia were widely documented and seeing that on a callout post as if it were news was extremely tiring.

ive since read the callout. the interpersonal actions seem to have been horrible but sadly im not surprised (by which i dont mean "and neither should you" but rather. my spidey senses for this sort of behavior are pretty accurate most of the time and i did see this coming. this isnt me saying im Better than these people or that they shouldve as well but rather that i have learned to identify people of this genre.) by any of them.

also im 75% sure this is tumblr user GD. hello. if not then apologies, its just that the typing here is very similar. if it is, i think you trying to both take accountability for this and process whatever it is youre processing at the same time on tumblr is a bad idea and going to just lead to people feeling hurt and betrayed because while i truly do see where the reaction is coming from (like, truly, i understand, believe me), if you say "i take responsibility for how i acted while being manipulated" but then when people voice their negative feelings you tell them theyre victim blaming you it is going to reflect poorly on you. i dont think you understand how many people were absolutely hurt by the enabling you and your large, massively popular group of friends did for him, including the MASSIVE defense rant you typed up in defense of him when someone sent an ask to the bi jon event about him being panphobic and aphobic. whether its fair for people to expect you to immediately go into depth about it is questionable but dont invite people to do this when you obviously cannot handle it (i dont mean this in a bad way like "oh you should handle it". i mean genuinely this is how you get burnt out and possibly worsen possible future trauma. by trying to immediately placate people without having the mental resources to do so.)

i think the "we dont condone these views and never did!" without ever specifying what they were or doing any other work there is a lazy fucking cop-out. your circle was/is massively popular and a lot of people took all of you as authorities on stuff like headcanons and respectful portrayals of certain characters or identities to the point of accepting your meta as canon (something you havent really dissuaded ever), and associating publicly with someone who would constantly do this kind of shit and then defending him publicly while also positing yourself as an authority isnt something you can just "oops! we never agreed with him!" yourself out of. GD & TF specifically, you are massive blogs. you are babys first TMA blog. people in your askbox hurt and betrayed by this shit are not necessarily there to victim blame you. they are there because they trusted your word when they said "hey seraf reblogged anti pan and anti ace and weird transphobic posts" and you said "seraf is one of my dearest friends and would never do any of those things and im personally offended youd even imply that." i think you dont understand the real life consequences of the massively popular posts and sentiments he made & published and that you helped spread (despite apparently knowing that he was being a massive hypocrite and bigoted towards those groups or identities in his personal life). obviously interpersonal abuse/conflict is going to be "worse" but dear god i hope you collectively understand that "oh btw we never endorsed his views" is a massive copout and a shit apology for the hurt this association and endorsement caused. tmc has been terrorizing this fucking fandom for months with his bullshit and bigotry and you have not been passive bystandars but active enablers.

anyways, hope everyone involved gets to uh, heal i suppose, but i think expecting the people who seraf suicide baited, the groups of trans men he misgendered, the people who he targeted and harassed, the genuine fucking long lasting dysphoria he caused real people to have over his shitty takes re: transness and dysphoria, and the general shit behavior he was allowed to keep up with zero pushback from anyone in his circle of the fandom to drop all the anger or frustration they have for the people who enabled him and defended him aggressively is... unrealistic. and makes you look bad. especially when the doc doesnt even clarify which opinions you still support.