#one of them said its not appropriate to joke about mental illness and shut me down from discussing it

[butterfly-in-progress]

I was born with a mask

Or I might as well have been

I didn't even know what my own face looked like

As the years went on

I added to it

Layers upon layers caked onto my face

A protective shell

But you were by my side when there were cracks in it

You loved me when the mask was still new and didn't cover much

You were with me for so long, through so much

I thought

That after the long and arduous process

Of hammering at this ceramic

To chip away the layers

And let my face feel the sun

You would rejoice as I did at seeing my face

But instead I have to wonder if you ever loved me in the first place

And chip you off of my heart

[ladyautie]

get to know me more!

@funyasm​ tagged me and I’m bored after writing my chapter, so here it is!

✨ what do you prefer to be called name wise?

My name’s Sophie. My friends call me Spencou or Spence. We met on a Role-Playing game forum where I played a character named Spencer. We’re used to call each other by our characters’ names and nicknames, most of the time. My brother calls me Sis’.

✨ when is your birthday?

15th november 1993.

✨ where do you live?

Paris, France.

✨ three things you are doing right now?

I’m watching an episode of AT4W on youtube, scrolling on Tumblr and I’m drinking a coffee.

✨ four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

Definitely It and especially Eddie Kaspbrak and the ship Reddie. I’m kinda obsessed right now, writing fanfic, reading fanfic, daydreaming about it and all.

I just played the Last of Us 2 and I’m currently watching a let’s play from my favorite youtubers, Mari and Stacy from Geek Remix. I’ll probably read a few fics as well.

The tv show Barry (HBO) is a definite special interest for me. I’m probably going to watch it all once again real soon and I’m planning on writing a fanfic or two in the future. I’m dying for the third season to come.

Finally, I’m probably going to be super into The Umbrella Academy once again, when the second season will be released. I’m just really into Vanya, Klaus and Allison and I can’t wait to see more of them.

✨ how is the pandemic treating you?

None of the people I know have been contaminated, so I’m lucky about that. I’m not quarantined anymore, back to work, and the transition is not easy. 

I feel like I’m more openly autistic than I used to be and that I can’t stand the rest of the world for a long period of time. I’ve experienced multiple meltdowns and shutdowns and I have real difficulties to socialize with most people or to focus on my work.

I feel incredibly naked and vulnerable whenever I’m leaving my flat without my mask on, so I think that’s definitely something I’m gonna have to work on in the future.

Leaving Paris and meeting my folks for my mother’s wedding, I found myself surrounded by people who mostly didn’t care about the virus, kissing each other on the cheek in true french fashion to say hello, hugging, not wearing a mask, not respecting any kind of social distance. 

I was quickly overwhelmed by all of that, plus the noise, and I had to isolate myself in my parents’ car, sobbing hysterically and willing to suffer in a overheated car if it meant having a bit of peace.

There are definitely going to be long-term consequences. I can only hope that my physical health will remain okay, though.

✨ song you can’t stop listening right now?

Keep On by Sasha Sloan. I just really love the lyrics and the message.

✨ recommend a movie.

Whenever I have to think of a movie to recommend, Frank by Lenny Abrahamson is the first one that comes to my mind. This movie is an obsession for me since the first time I watched it and I often find myself watching it again and again. Despite its heavy subjects, it’s definitely a comfort movie for me.

Too often, movies featuring mentally ill characters will aim for the characters to “get better”, which doesn’t mean for them to find healthy ways to cope with their issues, but usually for them to look more “neurotypical-like”, if you know what I mean. Frank  doesn’t go that way at all. On the contrary, it pushes the viewer to empathize with the main characters and to understand their point of view, their way of being.

It’s so incredibly comforting to watch a movie featuring mental illness realistic and not romanticized and to have the movie say “you’re different and you have issues, but you’ll find your tribe someday and be able to find your own happiness, even if it’s unconventional by society’s standards”.

I don’t know, I just have so much feelings about this movie. Plus the music slaps, the humor is hilarious (kudos to the random French guy who can perfectly understand English but refuses to utter a single word if it’s not in French) and the actors are truly on point (I can only salute Domnhall Gleeson, among everyone else who is also worthy of praise, because he definitely managed to make me hate his character in a way I almost never hated a character before).

Watch it!

✨ how old are you?

I’m 26 years old.

✨ school, university, occupation, other?

I used to be a librarian, but I couldn’t find a stable job in this field, so I passed an entrance examination and I’m now working in the tax administration. Yeah, not really glamorous, but it pays the bills and I’m accommodated for my disability, so it helps. 

✨ do you prefer hot or cold?

Definitely cold. When I was a kid, I used to swim in mountain lakes, at temperatures close to 13° celsius, and I still take my showers mostly cold. I can’t stand heat, I get headaches very easily when it’s sunny and I’m getting confused easily whenever it’s too hot. I recently had a nosebleed at work so intense that I found myself spitting blood (it went better once I got a fan, making the temperature bearable).

✨ name one fact others may not know about you.

I used to be allergic to my own sweat when I was around 18, until my early twenties. Whenever I was doing a mild physical effort or getting stressed out, I would get hives and itchy skin rash all over my whole freaking body, which was so exhausting that I would fall asleep immediately as soon as the rash was gone. 

It disappeared as suddenly as it appeared, without me ever doing something about it. I still don’t know why I experienced that and if I’m going to experience that ever again. I hope not.

✨ are you shy?

My autism makes social interactions complicated, but I’d say I’m mostly impaired by my social anxiety and the various traumas I’m dealing with daily.

Traumas I got after having been bullied pretty badly by kids and teachers during my school years, my stepfather being borderline abusive and different traumatic experiences, including my childhood crush dying from a ski accident when I was 15 or so (and me never being able to tell him that I loved him) and people betraying me so many times that I can’t even recall every little thing.

As a result, I find myself doubting constantly that I’m worthy of love, affection and respect and I often wonder when I’ll do or say the “wrong” thing that will cause me to lose everyone I care about. I also have a hard time knowing who I am and, as a result, allowing everyone to know who I am as well. 

I often don’t know what to say and will find myself keeping my mouth shut, even on topics I’m knowledgeable about, because I’m scared of people shutting me down, among other things. My friends make it easier for me to talk about things I like and all, but I’m still heavily doubting myself.

I try to challenge myself regularly. I’ll force myself to take part in events that are taxing or that are forcing me to perform in front of people. That’s how I found myself taking part in the casting part of the french equivalent of “American Idol” (I merely met the pre-judges, but I did manage to sing my whole song in front of them). I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.

✨ do you have any preferred pronouns?

I’m using she/her, but I don’t mind people using they/them to talk about me if they don’t want to be gender-specific.

✨ any pet peeves?

I hate how people can freely and openly be homophobic, racist, ableist, transphobic, sexist and so on, but as soon as I open my mouth to let them know that what they said/did wasn’t appropriate, I’m labelled as one of those “hysterical feminists” or a “party pooper”. s/ Sorry if your antisemitic joke isn’t making me laugh, my “dear” colleague... /s I hate whenever people infantilize me, especially my mom. She’s still keeping an eye on my bank account, despite me telling her that I didn’t want her to do so again and again. I don’t dare to block her out, because I’m scared of her emotional reaction.  I hate the ugliest parts of fandom, notably the obsession with “who’s topping / who’s bottoming” whenever there’s a gay pairing or the racism / ableism / transphobia / homophobia I’ve witnessed again and again.

I don’t dare to engage in the Last of Us 2 fandom because of that and the way some people describe the character of Abby (a very muscular woman), focusing on her physical appearance and calling her awful names (being downright transphobic when they thought that she was the transgender character that Naughty Dog announced there would be in their game). 

✨ what’s your favorite “dere” type?

I had to google it, because aside from Yandere and Tsundere, I didn’t know a thing about it. I guess you could say I’m a Dandere (someone who is quiet and asocial. They are afraid to talk, fearing that what they say will get them in trouble.). 

My favorite type is Kuudere though, when it comes to anime in particular (someone who is calm and collected on the outside, and never panics. They show little emotion, and in extreme cases are completely emotionless, but may be hiding their true emotions. They tend to be leaders who are always in charge of a situation.). 

My favorite anime character, Kiyotaka Ayanokōji from the anime Classroom of the elite, is the most extreme case I can think about. He’s completely expressionless for most of the anime, talks with a very dull voice and it’s impossible to know what he’s thinking about at all times or what’s his overall plan. His hidden depth makes him all the more fascinating. He managed to keep me interested in a mostly meh anime.

✨ rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

It’s a bit hard, but somewhere around 5 or 6? I went through tons of crap in my life but I’m still here and able to live on my own, even if my quality of life isn’t all that good. I live with nearly daily suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager and have to compose with my meltdowns and anxiety attacks as well. I feel “other” most of the time and I can’t relate to most people I’m meeting and interacting with, which can sometimes feel very lonely.

On the other hand, I have wonderful friends who are willing to put up with my trauma crap and are overall amazing to talk to and be around. I have a cat I love dearly. They’re the reason why I’m still alive to this day, giving me a reason to say fuck off to my suicidal thoughts. 

✨ what’s your main blog?

My main blog is Ladyautie and is about autism. I have another blog, reddie-4-more, focusing on the It movies and Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier.

✨ is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

So, uh, don’t be weirded out by the kind of things I can tell you about my past. Even if it seems a lot, all of it is definitely true. 

For example, I was almost kidnapped when I was around 8 or 9 by a random guy, while I was camping with my father. 

My father and my paternal grandmother actually kidnapped me and my brother when I was around two and I stayed with him until the social workers determined that my mother had to raise us again because our well-being and overall life were threatened. 

Lots of events of my life seem far-fetched or out of a movie / a book or something and I had people telling me that I must be lying or that I’m over-exaggerating, something that always hurts deeply.

I’m terribly awkward and more or less openly autistic, so you’re definitely going to notice something different about me. I can’t change for you and I’m not willing to hide my traits only to make you feel more comfortable about frequenting me, so if you can’t handle my socially anxious and disabled ass, then just leave.

I need people to actually tell me what they think or feel. I’m very “first degree” and I’m pretty bad at guessing what people are thinking about. Don’t be afraid to be frank.

Finally, never, and I mean never, infantilize me. I’m a 26 years old woman. I’m not a kid.I’m fine with my friends offering to help or making sure that I’m okay or so, but never assume that I don’t understand something and don’t force your help on me if I say that I’m okay.

That’s it, those who want to take part in this exercise, don’t hesitate!

[anxious-amethyst]

At the end of my previous post...

... I touched on the fact that I have ODD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder. As I am an adult now, I will show highlighted portions of the symptoms and effects that pertain to me personally.

- I lose my temper usually when the irritability surpasses all reasoning and my already poor self control. If I am having an argument with someone and it becomes heated, my temper goes. Then comes the verbal abuse, where I say thoughts that I may have felt at one time or another about the person I am arguing with, but they are warped, sharpened to kill. I take pride ONLY in that I have the intelligence to manipulate or go for the kill. I do not, however, deploy this as often as I did as a child because I know better now and do not like the guilt I feel afterwards, as I genuinely care about people.

- As I have no job, its left to my family to take the brunt of my issues. I have gotten better at not instigating, although I do fall through on the unstable habit of being good and intentionally start a fucking fire that hurts me and everyone around me. I absolutely hate the outcome of such arguments, but for some God damn reason, I do it anyway. Sometimes I feel like I have no control and it sucks.

- I didn’t highlight the defying or refusing to comply with rules and laws because there is way more to it than that statement. I follow the law, probably a bit to strictly. Mostly because it will not be good for me if I encounter a police officer. I’m sure ODD would take over. But when my parents tell me to do something, well I straight up say “No” or go “yeah, I’ll do it” and then never do it. Slow progress with that one.

- My poor sister has suffered so much from this one. And it kind of plays hand in hand with the instigating. I know all the right ways to annoy her. She’s actually too easy to annoy and piss off in my honest opinion. (If its so easy, why did I and still do at times, get a kick out of annoying her) She doesn’t really play along with jokes, doesn’t like tickling (although many people don’t LOL) and my very presence can annoy her (by accident on my part) if I enter the room at a time when she is ready to explode. That’s due to pent up rage from her childhood where I would love her, but mostly annoy and unfortunately abuse her. I don’t even remember much now. Its like my brain is trying to wipe it all out because I changed and it can’t tolerate this other side of me from my past. My past self makes me want of get rid of my present self sometimes. No wonder my brain shuts down.

- If I lose my temper or respond in a spiteful way, I blame the person who suffered from it because they technically triggered the tripwire in my brain. But I’m supposed to control my reactions and emotions. Its just hard to do that when you are mentally sick. Not making an excuse, just trying to raise awareness that its 10x harder to respond appropriately when your mind is ill, just like when you are physically ill.

- I have found that I am easily annoyed by others and that fuels the irritability, which makes the losing of my temper more likely. Its all just a shitty chain reaction really. Gonna tie Angry into this as well. I wouldn’t say I am resentful. I can be on occasion when someone did me a wrong, but eventually I move on and let it go. Reasonably certain normal people would do the same.

- I have a saying: “You spite me, I spite you 10 times harder.” tbh I am proud of that saying because it gives me confidence, which I lack. So, ironically, when I am mad as hell and out for blood because someone screwed me, I feel powerful and confident. Every other time, I hate my body, mind, and soul is debatable.

- I always feel attacked. If someone has constructive criticism that I was not expecting, unsolicited advice, or comes up to me and says that something I said rubbed them the wrong way, I immediately go on the defensive. I swear, no one understands me. How can they? They don’t feel or think exactly as I do. They don’t often respond in the way I thought they would. So surely they don’t understand me.

[hamilton-one-shots]

Hamilton High School AU 32

Thomas answered after a few minutes and looked away, a dark bruise on his jaw. "Come in.." he grumbled. Last time John came over, he'd welcomed him with a kiss and watched him leave with a broken nose. "My parents aren't home yet.. They'll be home in a bit, then you can twist the knife.. Come in." He stepped aside and let John step in. "Do you want a drink or something?.."

"No thanks."

"Johnny?.." came a familiar, tiny voice from the kitchen. After a second, Thomas's six year-old sister came into view, a huge smile on her face. "Johnny!" She dashed over and jumped up into John's open arms, hugging him tightly. "I missed you!

John smiled as he picked up her up, returning the hug. "I missed you too! I'm sorry I haven't been able to see you."

"You won't go, right? You'll stay with me?"

Thomas's smile fell as he heard the question. "Maybe he can visit, but I don't think he can stay again."

Lucy pouted and hugged John tighter. "But I want him to stay.."

John frowned and shook his head slowly. "I'm sorry, Lucy.. But things are complicated between me and your brother right now.. I can't always come around anymore.."

"But.. But Tommy says he loves you!"

Both boys went silent for a second until Thomas cleared his throat. "Tommy also says you should be getting ready for your sleepover.."

She held John tighter.

"Or not.." he sighed. He held a hand near her and she took it, though she didn't let go of John at all. "Lucy... Things happened between us, bad things. It isn't that simple, okay?.."

Lucy nodded slowly.

Thomas looked up at John. "You still babysit for Maria's kid, don't you?.. Maybe Lucy can tag along sometimes?.."

John nodded. "Yeah." He looked at Lucy, who was staring back up at him with pleading eyes. "You'll see me again, I promise. And you can meet my friend, Susie."

Any other time, Lucy would've argued and whined that she wanted John to herself, but even she knew that it wasn't going to happen, so she simply nodded.

"Come on.. Don't be so sad. I'll see you again. And you're going to have fun tonight with your friends. I promise I'll come back to see you soon." He kissed her cheek and set her on the ground.

She pouted and slumped away, heading up the stairs.

Thomas sighed and turned to John. "I don't know what to say to you.. What I did sucked, I know it did. I should've been more sensitive. I know there's no chance of us getting back together, but you should know that I do wish I never hurt you like that.. I just... Everything went to shit once you left me and seeing you making Alex so happy.. I don't even know where I'm going with this, I know there's no excusing what I did. Maybe we can just agree to stay out of each other's way?.." He held his hand out. "Bar seeing Lucy once in a while, of course?.."

John hesitated for a second before shaking his hand. "Deal.. And, I have to admit, what I did was kind of a dick move, too.. You didn't do anything wrong.. But continuously telling me that you did nothing wrong and forcing me to forgive you was not the way to go."

"I know.."

John nodded and stepped back, moving towards the door. "And, having said that, I'm not going to tell your parents. I believe what Lucy said and I think it'll be enough for you to know that we could've worked.. If you could've been this nice guy without me forcing you, we could've worked." He turned and walked out.

'We could've worked..' Thomas would've lied if he said that didn't drive a dagger through his heart. No. That wasn't true. The second that Alexander came around, he would've lost John. He could see it in how they looked at each other and that's what sickened him most. No matter what, he would've lost John to that ill-tempered, loud-mouthed brat... But now he realized that anger would get him nowhere. He should've known better. He followed John to the door and saw him out, smiling as he left. "Just don't ignore my texts when they're about Lucy," he said, though he was clearly joking, realizing just how ridiculous he'd been acting.

John chuckled and nodded as he walked off. "Will do."

Thomas smiled and shut the door, standing there for a minute. It felt nice to make John laugh again. Maybe being the nice guy wouldn't hurt. When John hit his limit with Alexander, it'd be good to be the nice guy again.

John wasn't gone for long before there was a knock at his bedroom door. "Alex? John said you'd be in there" came a young, but mature voice.

Alexander sat up, glad that his nose seemed almost normal by then. "Come in."

Four freckled siblings flooded into the room, smiling politely, and the oldest stepped forward to introduce them.

"Hi, it's nice to meet you. I'm Martha, this is James, Henry, and-"

"I'm Mary! Not Martha, Mary!"

"Yeah, that's Mary," Martha said with a shrug.

"And you'd better not hurt Jacky's feelings too. Martha said that Tommy hurt his feelings and that he made dad mad and made Jacky leave." She frowned.

"Yeah. If you hurt our brother, we'll hurt you too," Henry threatened, his brother agreeing.

Martha nodded. "Yeah. John's been through a lot. You'd better not make it worse. You really do make him happy, but.. I'm sure he's told you about Thomas.."

Alexander held his hands up in defense. "It's okay! I won't hurt John. Or at least, not purposely... I'm... I'm a mess sometimes but... John makes everything okay again. I love him." He began to gush about John, wondering whether or not it was appropriate or not. "..besides, if I do anything you guys don't like, you can beat me up yourselves!" He smiled. "Let's see... Martha, Mary... Then... Henry and James?" He pointed between the pair.

They all nodded and smiled as he pointed them out correctly and accepted his promise. After all, four against one, especially against someone his size, they knew Alexander wouldn't get away with anything.

Mary smiled and took his hands. "Come on! Let's go downstairs and I can braid your hair! It's really pretty."

Alexander returned the smile, feeling his heart swell. John was right, Mary was precious. "Thank you, I like your hair, too. Of course you can braid my hair."

All four siblings led Alexander downstairs and to the couch. He sat on the floor in front of Mary and the others sat on the floor in front of him.

"So," Martha began, "John has told us that you like video games and writing and you're trying to draw because of him. He really likes you. Its almost annoying to watch."

Alexander chuckled. "You're not the first one to call me annoying. He told me you're the responsible one that makes sure no one loses their heads. And you're /too cool/ for slumber parties..." He teased with a grin.

Martha rolled her eyes. "I'm thirteen. I'm too old for pillow forts."

"I'm eighteen and I still like pillow forts."

"Yeah and Jackie's seventeen," Mary argued. "You're just boring."

"I'm not boring, I'm mature."

"You're lame," the boys said together.

Alexander smiled as he listened to them all bicker and tease each other. They seemed so close to each other.. John's father was truly a menace for taking him away from them. And Martha really had stepped up as the oldest sibling. It was hard to imagine that she was only thirteen. Speaking of which, it was also surprising to hear that John was the younger. He hardly acted like it. But that wasn't the time or place for such thoughts. "So, ask me anything."

"I want to hear about you and Johnny!" Mary piped up.

"Ew, no!" James protested.

"That's girly stuff."

"You guys didn't say anything quick enough. I want to hear this, too."

The brothers huffed, imagining that the girls were going to take charge of the questions, and began playing some video games.

"It's not all that girly. John and I could've been fighting dragons and wrestling bears, for all you know." He smiled, then thought about where to start for a moment. "John's my light.. He gives me hope.. But, when we first met, I did try to fight him..." It wasn't the best detail, but he had to get the boys' attention somehow. "But he made sure I was put in my place and I kind of just followed him around, wondering why this guy didn't fight me. Next thing I know, I fell hook, line, and sinker for him.." He smiled softly, feeling himself getting all gushy again. "I don't have much money, but I want to do something nice for him and spoil him. He just.. He makes me feel like everything's okay and I just love him so much." He blushed bright red.

The boys acted like they were too cool for love stories, but were listening just as closely as the girls were. After all, John was their big brother and they knew how hard he worked to care for them and himself.

A minute or so later, John came through the door with a few boxes of pizza. "I'm here!"

Everyone dropped what they were doing and ran over, hugging him tightly.

He smiled and kept walking once they let go, the boys getting back to Super Smash Bros and Mary finishing up Alexander's braid. John put the food on the kitchen table and sat beside Alexander, kissing his cheek. "Do they love you yet?"

"I think so. Mary did my hair and I told them how you almost beat me up. So, now I'm pretty and awesome."

"I could've told you that," John shrugged.

Mary smiled and slid off of the couch and onto one of John's legs, kissing his cheek. "He's not as pretty as you." She may have accepted Alexander, but she also wanted to make sure he knew that she was the most precious thing to him.

And Alexander gladly accepted the playful competition. Sure, Mary was tiny and loving, but that only made the challenge more fun. He slid down to rest his head on John's free leg, smiling up at him with puppy dog eyes.

John was completely unaware of what was going on, but he wasn't going to argue with it. He ran his hand over Alexander's hair absentmindedly and smiled as he kissed his hand.

Mary upped her own cute factor, leaning into John. "You need to come over more often. It's no fun without my big brother around.."

John nodded. "I will, just for you."

Alexander mentally cracked his knuckles and continued. He placed John's hand against his cheek and leaned into it was a happy hum. "I was so worried that they wouldn't like me... Especially without you there to make me feel safe like you always do."

"Of course they'd like you. Why wouldn't they? You're my boyfriend."

"And me?" Mary asked, smiling up at him.

"You know you're my sweet baby sister."

"Am I cuter?"

John hesitated to respond.

Mary pouted. "Am I?.."

"Of course you are."

Alexander would've been lying if he said that didn't sting. But this was John's baby sister and he knew when he was defeated. Still.. A ball of emotion grew in his chest. There couldn't have been a worse time. He tried to swallow it down, shoving it away... No. He knew better. he had to release it. "I don't feel good.." he muttered. "I'm having a moment..."

A moment? Of course, John knew what he meant, but it genuinely surprised him. He couldn't detect a trace of mischief when it came to Mary and it was a trait of Alexander's that he usually adored. He nodded and kissed his hand. "Okay.. Go up to my room. I'll be there in a minute, okay?"

Alexander nodded and pulled himself to his feet, heading upstairs to John's room and curling up in his bed.

[sentientdessert]

"Ya know, your depression is all in your head."  Yeah, it is.  Because that's where the chemical imbalances are.  It is like if your body is low on some vitamin you start craving foods your brain has associated with the vitamin in the past.  And people wonder why depressed people eat so much chocolate.  Our brain needs the release of serotonin to counter the feelings there.  Why do you think so many people who are depressed go into comedy?  There is a rush from making other people laugh that is shared.  

But yeah, telling us depression is all in our head.  "You know, that broken bone is all in your leg."  No Curtis, it isn't, part of it is sticking out and it shouldn't be.  Why do we treat mental illness as everything BUT an illness?  You wouldn't tell someone bleeding out to just stop bleeding.  I mean, you could, but it is just as good at solving the problem as telling someone depressed to be happy.

Why focus on depression when trying to be funny?  It is a constant fight, and the enemy is myself.  Well, it's not really me, it's a part of me that I really just want to shut up.  You ever have a voice nagging you in the back of your head telling you "you shouldn't do that."  Like the voice of your conscience.  Depression is like having a conscience that hates you.  "Yeah, you should eat that entire pound cake in one sitting."  Will it help me feel better?  Nope, and the depression knows that.  It knows how to target what you are most insecure about and try to sabotage you into making it stronger.  Though pound cake is delicious.  BRB eating pound cake.

Going to your friends can be a challenge too.  At least in my experience, because that voice comes in.  "Tell your friend how fat they look today."  So that's how we're going to play it huh?  Your friends can be invaluable when hitting low points, because most, if they're decent people, will try to pull you out or leave you alone, unless something serious sparks their desire for action.  I mean, telling someone you're going to eat a pound cake will likely get a raised eyebrow, but telling them you're going to fall asleep in your garage with the car running should get an appropriate reaction from them.  

This can lead to a larger problem, mainly that of the boy who cried wolf.  He was annoying wasn't he?  Until he finally got eaten of course.  If when having major depressive episodes with suicidal ideations occurs frequently it can cause those closest to you to become jaded to their happening.  We all have that breaking point of when someone else becomes too much of an emotional strain we can't take it anymore.  This is to the depression's advantage as well.  A smaller safety net makes its ultimate goal much easier.

Too long without something funny, have to change that.  Or do I…  Meh, depression is weird like that.  Forgive me if I start jumping around right now, I need the exercise.  Going back to the analogy of a physical ailment, because there is almost always a physical aspect to mental disorders, everyone is different.  Jerry over there, he broke his leg and it healed up perfectly fine, he can walk on it, he can run, but Steve?  Oh no, he had the same break, same place, same recovery, same doctor, but he has a constant lingering pain where the break happened.  Same goes with depression.  I have been describing much of my own experiences with depression.  I know people who can still function well while in a depressed state, others who have never had suicidal thoughts while depressed, and still others who can't help their depression with with laughter.  Their own or others.  So it's best that when something comes up with depression, or any mental disorder…  it is funny how we call them all mental disorders or mental disease and don't really apply that to many other physical ailments.  We do use disease for a blanket term for some things, but disorder not as often.  That's typically saved for things dealing with the brain, emotions, or neurology.  I could be wrong in this, just observing based on experiences.  

The best this when it comes to mental disorders, is to not have a knee jerk reaction if someone says they've got something.  You know how many schizophrenics are in this world?  A lot.  You know how many of those are violent or dangerous?  The opposite of a lot.  We just hear about that aspect more because it is a dead horse plot hook.  Seriously writers and storytellers, stop using mental illness as the "flaw" in your bad guys.  Also worth noting that in most other cultures when someone hears voices, they are not hurtful or mocking, they are actually the opposite.  It makes me wonder how many prophet's from history were schizophrenic since our lens has been shifted to see the hearing voices aspect of schizophrenia as only harmful things.

You know someone, other than me, who has mental illness.  They may not talk about it because there is still a HUGE stigma against people who say something about it.  Those that have trusted you with it are either like me, who want to end the stigma and feel the best way to do so is to no longer keep things in the dark, or like others (also like me) who are afraid of losing people because they've said something about it and were shamed or ignored afterward.  Having mental illness is not a weakness, it is just something we have to live with.  And like someone who needs a crutch to walk with a limp, a wheelchair because they can't walk, we sometimes need things like a tiny stuffed animal on our backpack, or a fidget spinner, to help us get by in a world that has for a long time not accepted our existence.  Hell, there are places that still perform exorcisms or other dangerous things on people who have mental disorders.  Give me the good old days when the person who heard voices was made a high priest instead of tortured for consorting with witches.  

Now, when I say my voice, this is not saying I hear voices outside of the internal one we all (mostly) have.  As I said before, the conscience.  My problem with my conscience is that he doesn't like me half the time, like right now, he's being a real twat toward me.  He has been like this since my break up.  And while that is what sparked his current bout of being an asshole, it is't what has caused it to persist.  That still remains a mystery to me.  I am trying, and doing little things each day that make me feel like I have done something to spite that fucker.  I know I can turn to my friends for help, and it's bit me in the butt, not because of them, but because of me.  Being around people gets too taxing and my harmful emotions become less restrained and I actively try to sabotage the friendships to try to make the cycle worsen.

Therapy has always been an option.  And in the past I have spoken to a few therapists and honestly didn't feel any better or have any changes after doing so, other than having a smaller bank account.  They work for others, but at times like this, when I would need to go have an "emergency" session to talk about things, the earliest opening to talk to someone tends to be after the melancholy has disappeared.  I know a lot of people who see them on a regular basis and they help them.  I haven't really felt like anything from the sessions have helped.  Yes, talking about it helps, quite a bit actually.  Like right now, writing this has helped me feel a lot better, and each time the voice comes up to squash anything I have said, I make a little joke.  I notice that as this has progressed they are getting fewer and fewer.  

Talking to others has helped me in the past, but mostly it has been to friends, people who care, and who are taxed by it as well.  I have stopped doing that, or at least brought it to a minimum "I am very depressed" or something similar.  No one questions this, some try to offer help and I'll decline.  I bring it to a minimum because I can see how much it hurts them the more they know.  Consider watching a loved one die, it is the same emotional stress that brings.  Because there is a keen desire to help, but the helplessness of not being able to.  It does make me feel better when people offer to help, and even better when they respect my saying "no thank you."

So, right now I am depressed.  I don't want to be, I can't make it go away, but I can try to do things each day that prevent it from worsening.  It's like the little boy who stuck his finger in the dyke.  Something small to prevent something big.  And that is what I am doing every day:  Something small.  The small things add up to something big over time.  I will rise from this and await with dread the next time this happens.  But I won't let my story end here.

[blainematters]

For your reading pleasure, a selection of awful fucking quotes from CC’s latest *~masterpiece~*. That’s right, I read all 407 pages so you don’t have to! Unless you too are a complete masochist, in which case go nuts.

This is image heavy, fair warning. Some names have been slightly altered to protect the crazies who would read this and cry.

Audiences found the show’s campiness to be rather charming, its unique underdog spirit resonated with them, and a global phenomenon was born. Nice description of Glee there. Very original. Good work.

Pitying looks were cast upon the unfortunate souls without seats, as if they were third-class passengers on the Titanic. The death of 1500 people in the worst maritime disaster in history is not a funny or clever simile.

Luckily for him, these days Cash had a little help to take the edge off. He reached into his pocket and pulled out three large pills and two marijuana gummy bears. This is how the main character treats his anxiety. He takes this combo with whiskey. This apparently makes him ‘completely numb’. 

He thought it was funny how there was hydrocodone, weed, and alcohol flowing through his veins at a work event but he wasn’t the biggest douchebag onstage. Except he really, really is. Funnily enough people on drugs aren’t the best judge of character.

If he responded with something they didn’t like, his social media would be bombarded with pictures, videos, and GIFs of decapitated animals, human feces, and militants destroying priceless artifacts.

“Olá, fucktards,” Davi said—his use of American slang was a work in progress. What. This character is brazilian, and he swears constantly. Those are his only character traits.

“That’s incredible, Huda,” Mo said. “If only diplomacy worked as efficiently as a fandom, there would never be war again.” I’m fucking dying.

“Young lady,” the psychologist said. “I have studied the human mind for more than four decades. I understand the appeal of joining the transgender community, but I promise you, the transgender movement is nothing short of a trend for nonconformists. In fact, it is still considered a mental illness by the World Health Organization.” Sorry, what appeal? What even is this nonsense? Why does it go on for five pages? Why the need to unnecessarily torture the trans character with this when it makes no difference to his storyline? Why?

Mo had suffered from OID (overactive imagination disorder) since childhood. The condition wasn’t officially recognized by the United States Department of Health (because Mo had made it up) but the disorder was just as taxing and consuming as any. From the entire community of people with mental illness: Fuck you CC. Fuck you for this awful, awful thing. Kindly go fuck yourself for pretending you have any understanding of what a mental illness is like to live with. Ugh.

A very good-looking man in his early twenties. He wore thick sunglasses, a black leather jacket, dark jeans, and designer boots. Yes, this is how ‘Cash’ is described. He’s also been previously described as a total mess who hasn’t showered in days, so I’m not totally convinced it’s accurate.

“I’m T0pher C0llins. It is such a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Carter.” T0pher C0llins? Are you fucking shitting me?

“I walked into my bedroom and saw Peaches had taken a huge dump in the middle of my bed, so I had to clean it up and put my comforter in the washer.” This is said by the only girl in the group, in front of ‘Cash’, who she idolises. Because girls are just stupid fucking blabbermouths right?

“-it’s getting asked advice on how to break into the industry from the guy taking a dump in the stall next to you” Oh look, another thing that has never, ever happened.

“You gotta say that shit so no one labels you as a future has-been—that’ll kill a career. Even if it’s obvious you’ll never do anything but the show you’re on, you can’t admit it.” The first honest and realistic thing in this book, and it only took till chapter seven!

“Every time I get any recognition he writes me into a coma or puts me through something horrendous as punishment. After I was on the cover of TV Guide, he put a dangerous stunt into a script and it broke my ankle. After I won a People’s Choice Award, he put my character in a coma for twelve episodes. The list goes on.” I wonder how Ryan Murphy will react when he hears about this character who is so clearly him?

“Nothing is stranger than fanfiction,” Cash said, like a sailor recalling his encounter with a horrible sea creature. THIS ENTIRE BOOK IS REAL LIFE FANFICTION YOU HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLE.

“He’s a little jaded, I’ll give you that—but after all the joy he’s given us over the years, the least we can do is let him be a human being. ” Yes, let the straight white cis male tell you all how to think, feel, and act. Your hero isn’t a douche, he’s misunderstood. Let him treat you like shit because who else gets that experience?

The world’s biggest rubber-band ball bounced into the horizon like a deer recently freed from captivity. Chapter nine: ‘Cash’ destroys a national landmark for shits and giggles.

The actor excitedly passed out tickets to Topher, Joey, Sam, and the Sacagawea statue—mistaking it for Mo. He’s also a racist. Are we surprised?

Why is he dancing like an epileptic on roller skates? Aaaaand a joke about epilepsy. I’m sure Hannah loves it.

“What did you do? How did you get over it?” Joey said. “One day I woke up and decided I had had enough.” ‘Cash’ cures his crippling agoraphobia by just going outside. Again, fuck you CC. That is not how mental illness works. Do two seconds of research for fucks sake.

“The night we were all watching the season six finale of Wiz Kids at Joey’s house, I was actually supposed to be watching Billy while my mom was at a Bunco party. I gave him some cold medicine so he would sleep and ran home to check on him every commercial break.” Drug your disabled siblings, your friends will think you’re cool and laugh about instead of telling you  that you’re an awful fucking person. Which you are.

“Then one day, as I was posting a GIF of a decapitated giraffe on her profile, I learned WizKidLiz01 was a little girl with Down syndrome.” Also on the list of things that make you an awful fucking person… plagiarism or no, don’t do this shit.

“So what’s your real name?” Topher asked. “Now, that you’re not going to believe,” Cash said. “It’s Tom Hanks.”

“They were the most eccentric group of stoners Cash had ever seen and he couldn’t take his eyes off them, like they were the subjects of a fascinating nature documentary.” One character is literally screaming her head off with paranoia and scratching invisible bugs in her skin, but hey, watching teenagers on a drug trip is so interesting!

“I think you’re giving him too much credit,” Cash said. “He’ll be long gone by then.” Oh yeah, ‘Cash’ is extremely preoccupied with death. He frequently says shit like this alluding to it. No-one notices.

“Because if you don’t, I’m going to tell the fangirls about the treatment we’ve received today and unleash them upon your establishment like a plague of locusts! They’ll harass you, humiliate you, and chase your wrinkled, old, racist ass into hiding for the rest of your miserable existence! Do I make myself clear?” Um… what? Why would you even?

“Of course the brakes worked, I was just fucking with you,” Cash said. ‘Cash’ continues to be the absolute worst by making someone think she’s going to die. Of course, she somehow she also doesn’t know that James Dean died in a car accident. Sigh.

“But I think we’d know it if he was mentally unbalanced or an addict of some kind.” YOU ARE EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD AND YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT. YOU LITERALLY JUST DESCRIBED ‘CASH’.

“You lose the right to humanity when you become famous. It’s just the way it is, but I’m not going to whine about it.” Except in this entire book.

“I’m transgender!” Sam declared. “I know what it’s like to have everyone treat you like something you’re not because people have been doing it to me my whole life. I’ve never met someone who could relate—but it’s like everything you just said! We’re both trapped! We’re both prisoners of unfair expectations!” These! things! are! not! comparable! Mostly because ‘Cash’ could leave that life any time, Sam won’t ever stop having to deal with being trans. Shut the fuck up CC. Sam then spends waaaay too much time explaining gender and sexual identity to ‘Cash’ because he’s a complete moron.

Darla spoke with the energy and enthusiasm of a camp counselor on crystal meth. How is this joke in any way appropriate when the main character is clearly a raging drug addict? He’s literally constantly tweaking.

The others stared at Cash in disbelief. It was like a demon living inside of him had taken the reins. Watch as these people we’re supposed to believe all got into prestigious colleges like Colombia and MIT completely fail to recognise the signs of an addict going through withdrawal.

They had never in their lives felt more exposed, more violated, or more gutted. It was as if someone had ripped off all their clothes and chucked their hearts into the depths of the Grand Canyon. ‘Cash’ is so self-obsessed and full of self-pity he decides to out two people in the group and tell another she’s wasting her life just to make them all feel as awful as he does. What a delightful person huh?

“Joey, I have always wanted a gay best friend. I’m not mad because you hid your orientation from me; I’m just upset because of all the Will & Grace opportunities we’ve missed out on.” ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

He was staring at Topher with a weak smile and his eyes were opened just barely enough to see. He clearly knew who Topher was, but Topher couldn’t place him.

“I have glioblastoma,” Cash said. “That’s a fancy stage name for brain cancer.”

I was fine and could easily hide this until a few days ago, but now I’m so weak and frail you don’t even recognise me. Usually Glioblastoma on the brain stem causes symptoms like seizures, confusion, paralysis, vomiting, dizziness, and loss of basic functions, but I’m a special snowflake and get to stay able-bodied and cognisant until the end!

“In April I started getting these really bad migraines,” Cash explained. “A doctor came to the set and recommended I get a scan. We were behind in production so the producers wouldn’t give me time off to get it done.” It’s all Hollywood’s fault he’s dying! Not his for not getting any fucking treatment. And actors can and do take days off for health reasons, that shit is totally allowed.

“Holy shit,” Topher said. “These are all mine.… You’ve saved every letter I ever wrote to you.…” That’s not totally fucking creepy at all, ‘Cash’.

“He’s not a bad person—he’s got brain cancer! That’s why he’s been behaving the way he has!” That makes everything okay! Except not really. Cancer doesn’t give you a free pass to be an asshole. You aren’t making the most of what life you have left, you’re just being a shithead.

“The actor had had so little control over his life, but his death was exactly how he wanted it to be.” Yes, he dies five days later. No-one wondered about his odd behaviour or suspected he might be sick until they visited him in a hospice. These people must be so stupid they can barely function for this to make sense. He’s been dying for months and nobody at all noticed? Bullshit.

“Oh gosh, I’m so nervous to hear how it went! I practically feel like I came out as transgender, too!” NO MORE.

“Not to be a downer, but did anyone watch the footage from Cash’s funeral today?” Mo asked. “Why did they wait a whole month to have it?” Topher asked. “Because it was sponsored by Canon and their new camera comes out this week,” Mo said.

I don’t think companies generally sponsor funerals? Let’s just hope it wasn’t an open casket, that shit would be nasty after a month.

“Fuck off, I’m banging Marilyn Monroe.” No, god no. Please no. Just end this thing now please.

The aspiring writer felt like she and her friends were living a ridiculous happy ending straight from the final page of one of her outlandish stories. Uh…

And a bonus from the author’s note:

However, for the purpose of good storytelling, the characters’ opinions and choices are sometimes flawed. Please do not view their actions as generalizations or examples to follow, but as the mistakes and triumphs of individuals. All of my characters were awful and/or treated like shit by everyone else, but that’s for the sake of the story. It’s not my fault if you act this way and everyone hates you! (And still love me please god I’m so alone...)