#that they got weird about me stimming in public

[butterfly-in-progress]

I was born with a mask

Or I might as well have been

I didn't even know what my own face looked like

As the years went on

I added to it

Layers upon layers caked onto my face

A protective shell

But you were by my side when there were cracks in it

You loved me when the mask was still new and didn't cover much

You were with me for so long, through so much

I thought

That after the long and arduous process

Of hammering at this ceramic

To chip away the layers

And let my face feel the sun

You would rejoice as I did at seeing my face

But instead I have to wonder if you ever loved me in the first place

And chip you off of my heart

[kinopio-writes]

HH Characters x Physically Affectionate!Reader (Pt.2)

A/N: The last part. Enjoy, lol.

Bonus character: Zestial!

Warnings: Mention of sex on Adam’s and Vox’s part, but nothing explicit

———

Sir Pentious

• he’s not used to it and is uncomfortable with it (he makes a weird face every time you touch him)

• he’ll be fine after you two become close, though

• but don’t try to overdo it

• if he likes you romantically, however, he blushes crazy every time you touch him

• he doesn’t really have a favorite one

• he turns red no matter what

• and his love language (receiving end) is more about words of affirmation, anyway

———

Lucifer

• if you’re together with Lucifer, he’s likely smitten with you, so he becomes really giddy whenever you give him affection

• he probably starts stimming (doing little kicks or squealing)

• this guy loves to be held a lot

• oh, but he loves it when you nuzzle into him

• his favorite is forehead touching

• it’s really tender and he melts at that type of affection

———

Adam

• usually, every time you touch him, he’ll think that you want to fuck

• so he’s fucking confused whenever you don’t escalate any further than a kiss

• he does that thing where even when you pull away, he’s still leaning toward you, eyes fluttering

• he’ll probably get used to it

• his favorite is when you just cling to him

• if you’re not short enough to do that, he loves it when you just put your head on top of his while you two are curling up on the couch (he finds it cute)

• he also loves getting massages from you

———

Lute

• she’s not affectionate in general nor is she a fan of it

• so if she’s not that close to you, you better back the fuck up ’cause she’s going to take that as a genuine attack

• it’s worse if you do it out of nowhere (seriously, you will end up with a broken arm)

• but, if you two are sort of close and she’s used to your affections, she’s aloof to it all

• she will even start to initiate them herself unknowingly

• it’s because she mirrors the people she likes, which is not a lot, lol (everyone does this—I think—but Lute’s just more noticeable)

• back rubs are her favorite (not full-on massages, though, just a little rub after she got done training or something)

• she might like head pats, too (she feels praised whenever you do it. This works exceptionally well if you’re taller than her)

———

Vox

• he’s not that physically affectionate

• unless it’s sexual

• he’d be pretty weirded out if you just wanted to hold hands or something

• but after he gets used to it, he becomes nonchalant about it

• he’ll start grabbing your hand on his own accord (it becomes instinctive)

• he’s fine with PDA, but don’t try to be all lovey-dovey when he’s in conversation or dealing with someone else

• his favorite is when you two are just snuggled up on the couch doing your own separate thing

———

Zestial

• I added him in because I wanted it to be even

• anyway, he’s more hand-kissing and linking arms type of gentleman

• and the most he’ll do in public is link arms

• he thinks displays of affection should be private

• even then, he’s not that physically affectionate

• he doesn’t have a favorite, but considering that he’s cold-blooded, he quite likes it when you snuggle onto him and make him warm (this only works well if you’re just as tall as him, lol)

———

This was relaxing to do. I’ll likely write more stuff like this in the future whenever I feel unmotivated to write.

The next three requests I’m going to post at a much later date will probably suck ass. Sorry to the ones who send those in. And for making you wait a long time as well. If they even remember…

My favorite ones to write from the two posts were…mostly everyone! These were so fun to write. I sort of had a writer panic midway, but it was still fun. It’s probably because I used too many parentheses and it bothered me or something.

[ellieschair]

don't text me, ex ellie williams one shot

sinopse: you and ellie broke up due to her commitment issues and you've been non contact until she calls.

cw: lowercase intended, swearing and alcohol use and "drunk"? sex, semi public sex, not explicit if reader is fem or masc. use of nicknames like babe and my love.

wc: 2,9k

nsfw/smut: tit play (r receiving), clit stim and pinching (e receiving), fingering (e receiving), cum eating (r)... i think thats it?

a/n: okay uh im gonna kms bc this was meant for @itsbecomeblue but alright.

you and ellie had broken up a few months ago. you have been no contact ever since, you blocked her everywhere except her number. you told her not to contact you if she didn't need anything.

but she'd called today.

you were in bed with your best friend kamala, she noticed you suddenly sitting up.

“what?” she touches your shoulder as you look at the screen. “ellie? don't pick up, y/n” she looks at the phone over your shoulder.

“i told her to only contact me if she needs anything…” you sigh, but the phone stops ringing and you bite your lip as you look at kamala, worried expression.

“hey, if she actually needs anything she'll either call again or text.” she pats your shoulder and you nod.

ellie doesn't call again, but you get a text.

«sorry about that, hope ur okay»

“um, i guess she didn't mean to call.” you roll your eyes after texting her back with a «don't worry, hope ur okay 2», which she saw and reacted with hearts.

“girl, yes she did, she let that thing ring for ages.” kamala scoffed.

“whatever kami, let's just forget about that. she's literally with cat.”

“it's insane that she broke up with you because she ‘couldn't be in a relationship’ and ‘felt trapped’ and now she's with cat.”

“i know but well, she just couldn't be in our relationship i guess.” you chuckle and hug kamala. “why are we still talking about this shit…?”

and then you drop this subject, and it was true… ellie broke up with you along those lines. she had met you at your house and held your hand, kissed your forehead before leaving. now, she has been going out with cat. you hadn't completely moved on but what's over it's over, you didn't want any messiness.

weeks pass by, you usually see ellie at college, you both curl your lips in an awkward smile. you do it out of respect but it hurts to act like you were never close.

today wasn't any different, film class and you're sat at the back. she got in late, she sat down at the front. you noticed her and followed her with your eyes but you didn't expect her to look around to the back of the class.

you lock eyes and she stares a little before turning back, you feel uneasy. class passed by and you don't interact in any way and you decide to talk to her after class.

she gets ready to leave and you run down the classes stairs to catch her.

“ellie.” you call out reaching for her shoulder but she turns around to face you before you can.

her green eyes pierce through yours, you hadn't seen those freckles from so close in months. you blink a few times in a roll.

“um… yeah? sorry i called.” her voice is raspy and she looks awkward, as if you don't know each other.

“you let the phone ring.” you mumble, her eyebrows almost touch as she looks confused.

“yes? i'm sorry.” she takes a step back as you do the same.

“so you meant to call. it wasn't a mistake?” you ask, you sound calmer.

“yeah, i did… but i know i shouldn't have, you did the right thing by not picking up.” she looks at your lips for a second before you curl them up in a sympathetic smile.

“i was going to. thought you might have needed something.” you hold your own shoulder. “you okay?”

“no, yeah… i'm okay i was just… i don't know.” she rambles awkwardly and you chuckle. “are… you okay?”

it felt weird talking to her, but she was still the same. she toyed with her fingers nervously as she always did.

“yeah, i am.” you breathed out before straightening your back. “what did you wanna say?”

“that, i've… been” she chokes on her words, you examine ber face, letting her speak. “thinking ‘bout you.” now it's your turn to internally choke.

“you don't need to tell me that.” you bite your lip as you start walking down the starts and she does the same as everyone's leaving the classroom.

she lowers her head to face her feet as she thinks of what to say but all she says is “i know.” you turn to face her after you leave the classroom.

“i'll see you” you say, she nods and leaves as you walk towards the bathroom.

your eyes water as soon as you enter the bathroom, you let out the breath you had been involuntarily holding. you decided this meant no contact was as rough as her as on you, even worse since she decided to call you at 3pm on a random saturday. but it didn't mean anything other than that, it's hard not to talk to someone you used to talk all the time and you understood that.

when you're walking to your next class you see cat running towards ellie and jesse. she kisses both of their cheeks and you wave to them, mostly jesse, who gives you a sympathetic look and waves back. cat doesn't see you until ellie raises her hand, cat waves at you then.

you and cat were neighbors during all your childhood, she was really nice, artistic, down to earth but still had a bubbly personality. you honestly liked her, which hurt.

kamala had texted you about this party next saturday at dina's, her cousin who ‘happened’ to be jesse's long term girlfriend and ellie's best friend. you, dina and kamala had been friends since the start of college and your breakup with ellie wouldn't change that.

ellie would obviously be there, so you decided to give it more than one thought. you didn't want to see her if it made you feel so small, but you couldn't stop doing what you usually do just to avoid her.

so you decided to go. you hadn't talked to dina that much about ellie to be honest, you didn't want this to become something where people had sides to take.

you and kamala go to the party a little later than supposed, the party was already crowded. you find dina and walk up to her to hug her.

“hey dina! nice party.” you hug her excitedly and she chuckles as she pats your back.

“it's a generic one, thanks though baby” she looks at you up and down as you back away. “you look good, girl.”

“you look hot, dee.” you smile wide and she gives you a gentle push towards her drink table. “go grab a drink, you too kamala!” she calls her cousin out.

kamala starts grabbing a drink but your eyes land on ellie, who was at the corner of the room. she saw you and stepped away from the wall she was leaning on.

“is ellie here with cat?” you ask dina as ellie walks up to you. dina nods no. “really?”

“yeah, they went out a few times but ellie said they were better off as friends…its been a while already” she shrugs.

“i see.” you tense up as ellie gets closer. “hey ellie.”

“what's up?” she smiles as she nodded at dina.

“nothing…” you shrug, your lower lip between your teeth and she clicks her tongue, staring you down.

“yeah umm, can we… maybe talk? i mean, i will text you?” she asks in a lower tone, you look around for nothing.

“sure, we can. what about?” dina had leave your side, and you were left alone with her and some strangers next to the wall.

“me. i miss you.” she breathes out and you squint your eyes. “i do. can we please talk?”

“didn't you feel trapped with me? in our relationship?” you scratch your forearm. she takes your hand off it and you look up at her.

“no, i felt trapped but it wasn't you who trapped me. you never limited me. i just wanted to get out a bit, try new things maybe.” you scoff and snap your hand from hers.

“you needed a break from me? to try out new things? like what…? cat?” you sound annoyed by all this now and she's quick to argue.

“no…no, y/n. i thought i did but… i still miss you alright? and cat… i thought could move on to something but i didn't”

“ellie, i'm sorry but… you can still move on. i'm… sorry it didn't work out with cat? but that has nothing to do with me.” you try to call down as she gulps and looks to the side.

“i'm sorry.” she mutters, she sounds embarrassed but she nods. “you're right. i can move on, i don't want to.”

“ellie, this is not the place for this but… yeah we can talk, i can text you.” you sigh and she nods.

“alright, text me when you can.” you nod and leave to find kamala.

you tell her about it and she says ellie is embarrassing herself and you can only say you feel bad but also annoyed by this behavior. you see ellie a few times during the party and you just smile at each other.

you definitely still love ellie, you do wish you had never broken up but it was her who did this and you didn't feel like you could get back together just like that. you'd let her say what she had to say, you respected her, but you didn't think this would end up in rekindling things.

you were dancing with kamala, a little drunk already, when you felt a little hot. you went into the kitchen to grab water. ellie was there, her hand on her forehead.

“hey…” she looks up, recognizing your shoes. she looked a little drunk herself, cheeks flushed. “are you okay?” she saw you stumble.

“yeah i'm fine actually, i have been drinking though, came for a water bottle.” you chuckle and she nods a little as she holds her own head. “who's driving you home?”

“ugh… actually… no one” she chuckles back and shoot her an worried look. “hey, don't worry i'll wait until i sober up a little, i know it was dumb but it's okay.”

“yeah… you better… drink some water maybe.” you walk up to her with another water bottle, she takes it and mumbles a ‘thank you’.

“i feel like the floor's kinda moving.” she looks up to you now.

“you're just light headed. and a lightweight.” you chuckle as you get closer to her.

“yeah right…” she laughs and looks at your lips as you get closer. “you smell nice.” she takes a huge sip out the water and grabs your hand pulling you closer, you let her.

“thank you, you look real good.” your drunken self speaks and she leans on your shoulder, you feel her breath against your neck, making your breath heavier.

“you've such pretty lips.” she mumbles as she lifts her head back up and her lips ghosts against yours. she holds you closer as you hold her arms.

your alcohol breaths fan eachother's lips and faces, you hands fall on her torso and she grabs your hips.

“i wanna kiss you.” you drop your face on the crook of her neck and you sigh. she puts her water bottle down on the marble you were both leaned against only to cup your face, making you face her again.

“you know i'll kiss you back.” and you kiss her, liquor tasting kiss as your tongue pass through her lips.

she moans when you do, holding you so close your leg ends in the middle of hers. you're now running your hand up and down her torso and hip. her arms wrapped around you.

“needed this.” she groans and your grab her hair tightly.

“i need you.” you reply, kissing her deeply. she moans again, her hand finds your thigh and she lifts it.

“have me” she whispers in your ear. she's thrusting her hips as he holds your leg up by your thigh.

you make out feverishly, kisses your neck and you start panting and she grins against your neck. you felt your panties damp.

“bathroom?” you suggest as she starts shamelessly grinding her clothed pussy on your thigh. she nods frantically mumbling ‘please's as she lets go of your thigh and grabs your hand.

she pushes your body with her own, grabbing your waist to turn you around, her crotch against your ass as she walks you to the bathroom.

“don't trip, babe.” she jokes and kisses your neck.

“make sure you don't either, my love.” you giggle and now she's next to you. you look at eachother.

her cheeks are flushed pink and you smile at her, she opens the bathroom door and you get in. she kisses you now, grabbing your ass.

“i want you so bad, y/n. please.” she kisses your neck and you push her back. “what?”

“block the door.” you kiss her as her back hits the door, her hand is running up and down your back and around your hips. “missed you so fucking much.” you nibble her neck and she moans.

“i missed you, this. i need you right now” her hands go up your shirt and she sounds needy as fuck, grinding poorly on your hips. your hands find her stomach. “it's been too fucking long.”

you can feel your clit throb as she talks to you. you suck her earlobe and she grinds even more.

“so eager…” she pinches your nipple when you tease her, you whine out and she kisses you again.

“take this off, babe.” she says, tugging your shirt and you do what she tells you to. she goes in on your tits immediately. “yeah? you like that?” she asks as she nibbles the skin before sucking your nipple.

you moan and whimper holding her hair, she only stops when she feels your fingers tugging her belt.

“let me touch you.” you ask, she quickly unlatches her belt and you unzip her pants.

“i can't do this anymore…” she tilts her head back and you give her what she wants, tugging her jeans down.

you cup her pussy over her boxers and she moans, head hitting your shoulder.

“wet and warm, huh?” you whisper and she starts kissing you again. groping your tits with one hand and the other on your back.

your fingers ghost her slit, but you start caressing her inner thigh and hips, opening her legs. she grunts and starts trying to grind her pussy on your hand, which makes you press her hips against the door.

“stay still, now, alright? i'll get to it… promise.” you mumble, enjoying her body and how eager she was.

she nods, now grabbing your ass and thighs. you kiss her cheek and tug her panties to the side

“good girl” she grunts when your fingers run over her sticky slit. she was soaked in her slick.

you tease her clit and entrance with your fingertips, she moans and tried to grind against you.

“fuck, be quick with it.” she grunts and you frown. “please.” you slide two fingers into her pussy when she pleads. she gasps and grips your hair, taking your lips in a sloppy kiss.

she grinds her clit against your hand as you thrust your fingers in and out at the perfect pace she never stopped thinking about.

“more.” she moans between kisses.

“more what?” you start rubbing her clit with your other hand. “this?” she moans and nods.

“yeah… thanks.” you chuckle as she thanks you, kissing her neck again.

you look up at her eyes closed and cheeks flushed pink, her hands moving from your back to your shoulders. you speed up as you look at her.

you get the vision you wanted, her closed eyes squint, broken pants leave her open lips… you moan at the sight and the feeling of her wet pussy clenching around your fingers and her legs shaking, threatening to close around your hand.

“oh… you feel so good ellie, fuck.” you pinch her clit and she moans louder “yeah, keep those legs open for me.”

she cries out as she nods, her pussy clenching hard when you moan seeing her cry.

“please i'm so close.” she grunts through gritted teeth. “don't stop.”

“relax, you're so tight…” her stomach tenses and she relaxes and you reach deeper. “god…” you moan.

she moans non stop and her legs shake even more as she cums all over your fingers. you fuck her slowly as she comes down from her orgasm, hand leaving her clit.

you're both panting and she holds you by your back as you take your fingers out of her pussy only to look down and see her creamy cum on your fingertips and around her entrance. your pussy throbs at the sight.

you weakly get on your knees, sucking her cum off your fingers to lick the cum on her pussy. she grips your shoulders.

“you're so good to me.” she mumbles as you get up, tugging her boxers and pants up.

[2knightt]

gwjgdkebdj ive never asked anything from u before but can you do the gang with a reader who stims a lot cuz like i often stim like with my hands or like vocal stims like squeaking or certain words and idk how would they feel about that because i do it alot :]

↳pharmacy’s rotting my brain!₊˚✧

──IN WHICH, the gang with a reader that tends to stim!。✦

||✰ — the gang, separately can be seen as both romantic and platonic.

Johnny Cade ;

probably doesn’t care.

he thinks is a little odd at first, but gets used to it pretty fast

if you tend to do it when you’re nervous, he picks up on it pretty fast.

like, if you were in a public space that’s crowded and you were to start stimming, vocally or not, he’d notice immediately.

he’d take you away from the area ASAP.

“you good?”

“ye-yeah. back there jus, scared me is all.”

“yeah. i noticed.”

i think he tends to like, play with his fingers when he’s nervous so…he makes sure you don’t feel alone or weird because of it.

you feeling insecure over something you cannot control is beyond him.

so, he tries his very best to help you in any way possible.

if you need him to hold your hand to stop you from stimming so much in front of new people, he will NOT let go.

“johnny we left, you can let go.”

“no.”

“okay.”

Dallas Winston ;

i don’t think he minds much.

but if anyone else had a problem with it, he’d have a problem with them.

“the hell are they doing?”

“is it a problem?”

“yeah, it’s annoying.”

BAM!

dead.

he tries to understand why you do it, but doesn’t.

“i’ve told you already, dal.”

“yeah but, why?”

when you like, squeaked around him for the first time, he was probably scared.

“AH! what the fuck?!”

gets used to it though.

“jesus christ, y/n. you sound like a mouse.”

“shut up.”

if you get nervous around him and start stimming he probably would throw an arm around your shoulder and rubs his thumb up n down your arm.

he tries to help, sometimes, but fails so bad.

you probably just end up laughing at him.

Ponyboy Curtis ;

honestly, i can see pony stimming too. just a little bit though.

so, seeing you stim too make him feel less lonely.

ponyboy probably stims when he’s alone only but when you came along you’re like, the only person to know.

“me too!”

“i know, y/n. that’s why i told you.”

“oh.”

he’s always there for you!! like always.

it lowkey gets kinda annoying but whatever.

it helps ponyboy stay calm knowing your alright.

Sodapop Curtis ;

will also, beat the shit outta someone for making fun of you.

“stop that.”

“they can’t control that.”

“so? it’s annoyi-“

knocked out!

even a broken jaw, perhaps.

he is your number one defender!!!

i can see soda stimming when he gets excited, like shaking him hands, all that.

he totally understands you!!

he doesn’t mind if you do vocal stims.

you and sodapop legit understand each other.

i feel like he gets you. idk.

Darry Curtis ;

scared. he was lowkey scared when you stimmed around him.

he doesnt know why you do it??

don’t even bother trying to explain it to him.

but he gets used to it, n’ that’s all that matters.

he doesn’t even bat n’ eye no more.

he’s learning so fast at his old age!☺️

jokes…maybe.

if your certain word was like fuck or something, he lets it slide.

i think darry’s the type of guy to go “LANGUAGE!” when someone swears.

but he won’t for you.

“what? you aren’t gonna yell at them?”

“no.”

“what???”

“don’t ask anymore questions, you hear?”

Steve Randle ;

will beat the shit out of someone too.

0 fucking hesitation.

ZERO.

he is swinging without a second thought.

but, i do unfortunately have to admit, he thought it was weird at first.

he didn’t understand why you would squeak, or move your hands constantly.

but, slowly but surely, he got the idea.

i don’t see himself doing it, but he gets you.

Two-bit Mathews ;

i can see two-bit playing with his hands when he gets too excited.

so seeing you stim, isn’t weird to him at all.

he lowkey thinks it normal.

he thinks your squeaking is funny.

“HAHAHA! y-y/n, who knew you could make such cute sounds!”

he means it in a good way.

i swear he does😭.

i think he picks up on playing with his hands like how you do if he spends enough time with you.

“jeez, y/n. i’ve been hanging out with you so much ‘m starting to become you!”

“oh, shut it!”

[zedortoo]

Pizza Autism: the novella

Pizza Tower autism and/or ADHD headcanons go go go!!!!

warning there is. So much under the cut. I go off about everyone's tism

Peppino:

-Middle aged man autism. Ohh my god this guy is so autism we're starting off strong

-Most of his stims are physical and are probably. Not the most healthy (biting, banging wrists together, hair pulling etc)

-He has arfid frfr! Despite being a chef he's very careful about what he eats, however most italian foods are safe foods for him.

-Struggle showing empathy, even if he feels it. Yall saw how he reacted to Gerome mourning John he was out of his depth 😭

Gustavo:

-gnome autism.

-poor dude can't understand sarcasm to save his life. Also really bad at comprehending deeper meanings and stuff... Honestly me too Gustavo. Me too.

-actually gets overstimulated really easily. he grew up in a place similar to the gnome forest in the tower, where the air was always somewhat humid. If there's a dehumidifier running anywhere he can practically sense it and will immediately get upset bc he is too dry 💔

-His stims are mainly vocal (i.e. "I'm going to kill you") but he also likes to bounce on the balls of his feet and rock back and forth!

Mr Stick:

-French autism

-Hes not actually a huge asshole all the time, SURE he can be blunt and come off as rude but most of the time the mean persona is a mask. His really close friends know he's just a weird dude

-(stole this idea from Olympe) He is a routine lover!! Has his entire day planned out as soon as he wakes up. If you get in the way of his routine you will be turned into an ambiguous ball of meat. He was SOOOO pissed off when he got stuck in the tower bc it's wasn't in his routine so he robbed the whole damn place out of malice

-Innapropriate reactions to sensetive situations. If he had to comfort someone it would be Joever for him.

-Represses most stims because he thinks he's embarrassing. When in private though he'll spend ages examining textures and smelling paper (I do this all the time it's so fun). Occasionally when he's tired or comfortable he'll let out a high pitched squeak that noone can believe came from that middle aged man.

-I could go on with more. I love talking about this cunt.

Pepperman:

-Capsicum autism.

-Also has inappropriate reactions to things. Has no vocal control either half of the time he doesn't realize he's yelling

-Has a habit of chewing on/wanting to taste everything. Ate several wardrobes worth of Polly pocket clothes as a kid probs. Has to physically stop himself from giving his art supplies a taste. Occasionally eats an eraser still.

-If someone reorganizes his shit they WILL be killed this dude knows exactly where everything he needs is he has his own fucked up system

-Mainly uses stim toys. Has a collection of high end custom made ones but is too afraid of wearing them out so he chews on a toy dog bone instead and it's mangled to BITS

Vigilante:

-Cheese autism.

-This dude has know idea what autism actually is. He knows he's different compared to a lot of people, but he's never had the right word for it.

-Strong sense of justice. If something is wrong he WILL set it right. He got super upset when he realized Peppino wasn't actually an outlaw and he had tried to kill an innocent dude

-HATES HATES HATES processed foods. says he can taste the chemicals.

-Doesnt really stim in public. He'll tap his boot or spin the barrel of his gun if he gets really overstimulated but he much prefers to just pet some of his farm animals until he feels better

Noise:

-Rat autism!!

-This dude constantly needs to be overstimulated he loves it. If things are too quiet he gets super upset and starts bouncing off the walls and shit

-HATES the texture of carbonated drinks but forces himself to drink them because the flavour is worth it.

-Hes has like, three masks on at all times. There's the feral showbiz fella we all know and love, then beneath that is a more controlled businessman type, and beneath THAT is another, slightly less feral rat man.

-goes semi verbal sometimes. Everything just gets tangled up in his mind and he can't spit out the words he wants. He hates it when this happens during a show.

Noisette:

-Bunny autism!!!

-classic weirdgirl type. Would totally read warrior cats and roleplay as a cat on the playground as a kid.

-Also really bad with understanding emotions. You have to tell her specifically if she's upset you or something otherwise she just will not realize.

-makes a lot of vocal stims. Mainly just little beeps and stuff (I like to think she'd make that one jerma substitute teacher noise. Does anyone know what I'm talking about) Also loves to rock back and forth!!

-Has texture issues. She personally disposed of all the Sherpa fleece in the tower.

Fake peppino:

-autism supreme.

-like fr this dude is just the embodiment of autism. it eats vaccines to get more autistic/j

-cant understand when it's making someone upset. Actually, similar to Noisette, is bad at perceiving negative emotions overall.

-mirrors a lot. I mean that's like an integral part of their character. They mainly take after Peppino but will start acting like someone if he's around them long enough.

-melts into a puddle when overstimulated. Honestly? I wish I could do that too.

-Mainly mirrors stims from friends. It freaked everyone out when they started repeating Gustavo's catchphrase.

Pizzahead:

-PIZZA AUTISM!!!

-horrible moral compass this dude will do anything she wants and genuinely won't see what's wrong with it. Case in point the whole of pizza tower

-used to mask her true silly self a lot to be considered more 'normal' but decided normal ppl were boring as hell and dropped the charade

-arfid haver!! Loves pastries and breads and stuff, basically refuses to eat anything else. Has a personal vendetta against cantaloupe and has vowed to destroy it all bc he hates it soooo much

-taps his foot as a stim!! Also likes to jump around and the like, will rapidly shake their fists if incredibly excited

Gerome:

-Rock autism

-This guy loves his own company. Sure, he'll happily be social, but drops the mask as soon as he's alone. Just likes to be alone!

-Also not big on touch. The only person who's allowed to lay a finger on him is John, if anyone else just like. pats him on the back he will freeze up.

-loves being a janitor because the job is mostly repetitive. He cleans each floor in his own order, he has it all sorted out!

-loves bath bombs and stuff. Really likes the smells and just the fizz and the way they crumble in his fingers. Sometimes he'll just throw one in the sink and watch it for ages

-makes this weird clicking noise in the back of his throat as a stim. It's a rather unsettling noise but it's really the only way he stims in public. When alone he likes to feel textures of different things

John:

-hivemind autism!

-I feel bad for this dude man imagine having your being spread out through several different pocket dimensions and all of them have different textures and shot this poor bugger must've been overstimulated for years

-very blunt. Says what he wants with no remorse. Also doesn't have any volume control so often doesn't realize he's yelling

-I imagine when he was resurrected and was no longer a hivemind he had to take a long time alone just being himself. Duuuude imagine having to mask for YEARS because you were never ever alone I would lose my fucking marbles

-opposite of his brother, he doesn't understand personal space. Will often accidentally get I'm ppls faces because he doesn't realize how close he is to them. This also makes him somewhat clumsy and he has a habit of running into things

-Mainly has facial/expression stims. Will pull a big ol' grimace if something goes wrong and grin like an idiot when happy (see: when he got revived)

[vriskabot]

do you have any davris headcanons?

i saw this ask the instant it came in and i could not believe my EYES. trust when i tell you ive been typing FURIOUSLY in the meantime okay. okay headcanons. -dave has always been a little genderweird and vriska putting makeup on him when she was bored one night unlocked his third eye and now he cant stop putting red shit all over his eyelids -vriska has also always been genderweird and you can see where im going with this. -she steals his clothes ALL the time -he pretends to hate it when she gets her disgusting $5 perfume stink all over said clothes but you know he loves that shit (and she knows it too) -flaming bisexuals -once theyve been together for a while they are THE most "i am going to have the longest silent conversation with someone across the room you have ever seen in your life" -they both think they can read each other like a book but in truth its only about 60-70% accurate -the inaccuracies are always funny as fuck though and 9 times out of 10 its some entirely off the wall MADNESS due to their upbringings they think is entirely normal. the conversations that directly follow these revelations are legendary amongst the extended crew and every single one thats happened in a public memo has been screenshotted by basically everyone they know -speaking of which. i dont think they dm for basically anything ever. they either have conversations right in the GC (sometimes in the middle of other conversations, which karkat fucking HATES, especially when they flirt with each other) or they speak in person/over the phone. no in between -they flirt with each other all the time and its disgusting but its incomprehensible to literally everyone else. vriska tells dave she found some gnarly roadkill and sends coordinates and dave is like "babe stop not in front of everybody" -she used to send pictures too but that got shut down real quick and now thats really all she dms him for -i dont think vriska likes it for the same reasons dave does but he did absolutely get her into the weird and wacky world of vulture culture. dave likes the wet specimens the most but vriskas a fan of bones and taxidermy -speaking of which. this is more vriska/troll-centric but i love the idea of vriska being able to eat bones. dave gets the same schoolboy "oh my god this is so cool" kick out of it every single time -im well aware that music is a time thing but i genuinely cannot comprehend a world wherein vriska is not a music girlie. this definitely did a lot of the heavy lifting in The Early Days because when youre emotionally constipated sometimes you gotta let a song do the talking FOR you -vriska 100% introduced dave to crunkcore and he got way more into it than she ever did. he listens to 3oh3 religiously -dave samples vriska on his tracks all the time because she CANNOT shut the fuck up. he also likes taking pictures of her but even after years together he still kinda keeps those to himself and gets flustered when she finds one -man i just really love the idea of them being fucking obsessed with each other. they rag on each other ALL the time because thats just how they feel the most comfortable being affectionate but at the end of the day they snuggle up all soft and quiet and just enjoy being with somebody who understands how hard it can be to even allow that to happen in the first place -they ARE super casually affectionate with each other though, even in group settings. i dont think theyd like grand pda like kissing or saying 'i love you' in public but personal space just doesnt really exist for them. they hang off each other and sling legs over laps all willy nilly -they also stim on each other. dave likes to play with her hair while hes talking and vriska likes to play with his hands/fingers when shes bored this post is so LONG i could keep going for days. please always ask me about davris, especially if youve got more specific questions!!!

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hi, can I ask for some advice? (Sorry if this is a bit of a vent)

my mother recently got upset with me for stimming in a Cracker Barrel. I wasn’t sure why she was mad, because she knows I’m autistic and when I told her my stimming was a result of it she said “yes, I know it’s one of your autism things, but if you do it in public, peaple will think your weird. She then went on to say that stimming made me look like a child and that employers wouldn’t want to imploy me if I stimmed in public. I used to not be allowed to stim at home, as my parents claimed that my constant rocking back and forth “made the nervous” although at the end of the day she seems to be more concerned about me being and emmberisment to her rather that my concern for my actual wellbeing.

will employers realy not want to hire me if I stim in the job, even if it dusnt effect my productivity?

Hi there,

I’m sorry what happened at Cracker Barrel (GREAT place to eat btw). It doesn’t sound like your mom is very understanding. Honestly it makes me angry that she might be doing this due to the fact that it’s embarrassing to her and not to you.

Honestly, I would ignore her. If stimming makes you calm and happy, that’s great. And you might be able to explain how it helps you to your mom.

If you’re in the US, you can’t discriminate against disabled individuals. An Act was passed a while ago:

Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA)

The ADA prohibits discrimination on the basis of disability in employment, State and local government, public accommodations, commercial facilities, transportation, and telecommunications. It also applies to the United States Congress.

I’ll leave the full source below so you can read it, as it goes into more detail:

So employers shouldn’t reject you from a job due to this law. Although getting a job on the spectrum can be difficult.

I hope this helps answer your question. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[xxx-nikki-slaughter-xxx]

Rose Tyler x fem!reader

Pronouns: gender neutral. Y/N Used

Reader is implied to be autistic

♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎

"Rose, where are you going?" I said while she was basically dragging me.

"I gonna show you a friend, I met him a while ago, before I met you." she looked at me and smiled, then put a piece of bleached hair behind her ear.

We continued to walk for about 5 minutes until we came across a blue box that is a 'public police call box'

"Umm, Rosie, what are we doing at this box?" I quirked my brow in confusion.

She pointed at the box. " My mate is in there, love"

She then opened the box's door and walked in with me. There was a tall man, maybe 6 foot, I don't know. He was wearing a a brown suit, and he was standing at a control table. He looked up at us and smiled. "Hello Rose, who've ya got there?"

"This is my partner Y/N, we started dating recently." Rose then gave me a kiss on the cheek. I get a bit frustrated and cover my face with my hands. Rose giggled to herself.

The man raised a brow at what she said. "What about Micky?"

Rose's smile fell. Things between them did not go wel, it was really messy. Some mean things were said on both sides. I grabbed Rose into a hug.

"He's not in our lives" was the only thing I said as to not say anything I would regret later. Rose and him may not be on good terms, but she still cares about the guy, and I respect her choices cause she's my sweet Rose and nothing can change that.

"Oh, sorry to hear that," the man said with in a tone of sad.

"It's fine, Doctor, it's for the best," Rose signaled to stop hugging her. When she let go, she had a bit of her mascara running down her face. I carefully wiped it away since I didn't want to mess up her make-up.

"Thanks, babe," Rose whispered and sniffles. I gently grabbed Rose's face, "Of course Rosie," I then kissed her forehead.

I then looked at the man, "So your name is Doctor..?" He lifted his head and looked at me

"Just Doctor"

"Rosie, the lot you hang around is weird." I looked at Rose, who is now standing next to me. "I hang around you a lot," Rose looked me in the eyes when she said that.

"I know, I'm very weird." we both giggle

"That's why I love you"

Rose and I both walked up the stairs and over to The Doctor. "Nice to meet you, Doc." I stuck my hand out for The Doctor to shake, and he did.

I looked around and realized.."IT'S BIGGER ON THE INSIDE, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?" I was still holding The Doctor's hand.

"This is The Tardis, which stands for 'Time And Relative Dimension in Space', it's basically a time machine."

"Rosie, you didn't tell me your mate was a time traveler!" I looked at Rose with a huge smile on my face

"They're a huge nerd for what you call it -" "Wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff," the doctor said, answering Rose's question.

"Yeah, that stuff".

"How did you acquire this?" I squeezed the doctor's hand extremely hard out of excitement.

"Could you stop crushing my hand"

"Oh, sorry," I let go of the doctor's hand and put my hands behind my back out of embarrassment.

"I'm a Time Lord," the doctor smiled.

"Are you an alien?"

"Yes"

I gasp in excitement. "Really? I love aliens. They're a special interest of mine. Ever since I was little, " I flung my hands up and down. Stimming.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

I didn't know how to end this soo I just posted it

Hope you enjoyed it

Also, birthday tomorrow!!!

[aetherarf]

Request From Anonymous:

Autistic!Reader that doesn't really know they're autistic yet so Childe shows them like his favorite stims and encouraging them to stim whenever he sees them getting excited over something and encouraging their info dumps?

Here you go!

[Word Count: 809 ]

"Hey! I got something fun."

This wasn't an uncommon thing for Childe to say, coming home and showing you objects that didn't seem to have a defined purpose, but were designed like they did have one- one was a bracelet with a few beads on it, and when turned, it would change shape, appearing differently, but still intricate no matter how it was fashioned.

He liked the delicate clicking noises it made, not too overwhelming, but just enough that he could control it. You could see how he smiled- calmed, at least a little.

"Where do you even find these things?" You asked, enamored with the bracelet.

"Just- a friend who makes special things. They make a lot of stuff like this- it's good for empty hands. I shipped a few back home... I'm unsure if all my siblings will like it, but I think Teucer will. He's the most like me, and usually likes things I do." He explained, still toying with one of the bracelets.

It was an enchanting sight, but-

"Do you ever feel silly, playing with toys?" You asked, and Childe paused, looking at you curiously,

"I mean, should I?" he asked. "It... well, it's nice. It helps... I don't know how to describe it. it's like- I have my consciousness, you know, the bit that makes decisions, then my subconscious, that looks out for things when my consciousness is busy. But, sometimes, my subconsciousness gets... bored. And then it bugs my consciousness to find something to do- Having things like this to do keeps my subconscious happy, so my consciousness can still get things done."

He paused and laughed... maybe a little nervous. "It's weird, yeah. But isn't everyone a little weird?"

"Maybe." You paused, "I'm not sure if I feel exactly the same... but I do get it. Like I need something to do with my hands, and... when I do, it feels nice."

"Do you have any toys like this?" He asked,

"No, I don't... I guess I never thought about it."

"Wait, really?"

"I thought that's just how people were," You explained, "That we had to deal with stuff like that."

"... Well," Childe paused, "Most people aren't like that. But that's not a bad thing! Here, you saw what I did with the bracelet. Try it yourself." He said, handing it over.

You paused, "I don't want to break it."

"Don't worry about that. Even if you did, I could go get another one made. Just try it." He asked, excitedly watching as, with an unsure grip, began to adjust the bracelet, feeling it move in your hands, twist around as it seemed, almost like magic, to make new shapes.

You kept at it, finding new shapes repeatedly, and by the time you looked back at Childe, he was sitting at the table nearby, watching you, his arms folded over the table as he rested his head on them, a fond smile on his face.

"Feels nice, huh?"

"I'm sorry, I got distracted-"

"No sorry's, you didn't do anything," He insisted, jumping up, "But it felt great didn't it? I only see you that happy when you see something new for your hobbies!"

"But-"

"Did you like it? Serious question." Childe insisted,

"Yeah... it felt nice."

"Okay, that's it. No more ifs or buts. You're happy. I don't see you that happy- you always seem... a little miserable, if I'm honest."

"I... I get a little excitable when I'm happy."

Childe... frowned. "Yeah? And... what's wrong with that?"

"People tend to get... weirded out, when I'm excited."

"And?" Childe asked, "Okay, maybe in public it's a little harder to deal with... but it's just you and me. Is that why you clam up whenever I ask about your hobbies?"

You pause, and he sighs, slightly exasperated, "Here, keep the bracelet- actually, no, tell me your favorite colors. I'll get one commissioned just for you."

"You don't have to do that-"

"Let me, then," Childe said fondly, "I want to. I can get matching ones." He insisted again, "Now... Should we get food, and this time, no hiding your excitement, and you can tell me what you've wanted to tell me?"

"... Are you sure you wouldn't mind? I get kind of loud and jumpy..."

"I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure," He pinches your cheek, and puckers out his lips a little, "My wittle silly-"

You laugh, pushing him away, "Stop with that voice," Despite the words, you were smiling. He was, too.

"Come on- We can get your favorite- And we can make sure to get the texture right this time. Weird, how it varies, huh?"

"... Yeah, it is."

...

But it was a little freeing, seeing how little he minded things that were so commonly seen as childish.

... Funny. His code-name, nickname, whatever it was called, kind of fit that idea...

[popcaki]

Simon ''Ghost'' Riley is autistic, let me explain

He's autistic or at least ND there is no way he isn't. So I'm going to list things and explain why I think this. HEAR ME OUT

We always see him off the side, avoiding the main group and attention. He's nonverbal as well, and never speaks. He only speaks out when he directly wanna know something or he tells someone outright, he doesn't sugarcoat anything. He seems to be very good with knives, mastered the skill and has several of them, a knife collection most likely too. He collects it and has an interest.

Trauma aside, he 100% would not be able to discuss or explain his feelings, he probably is hyposensitive to it, alexithymia moment. I just know

Ghost does not greet Alejandro or say anything at all for that matter. He gets to the point instantly and asks the direct questions he wants to know, there is no small talk. He informs Alejandro of the info that Alejandro needs to know and then Ghost wants direct information about what he wants to know. He’s very hyperfocused on the mission and his job.

In the car he doesn't even speak, nor answer Soap in any way, he only asks about things he wants to know. He never makes small talk or asks about unimportant stuff. I personally do not talk much during car rides, they are relaxing and is a form of stim to me. Talking takes me out of it.

He also not only stands outside of the main attention but he is just kinda like 🧍‍♂️ in most scenes. Again does not talk in any way unless it's information he wants to know.

We also got his, what is considered ''inappropriate'' humour, mainly the dog joke he made as a big example. I believe not only is he being an edgelord and wants to create shock value for the person he's talking to but also, he might just be an asshole in this case, but if Soap says he doesn't want to hear it Ghost still blurts out the answer. Could be because he just thinks it's funny, but also the fact that Soap and most NT would find his humour and the way he brings up the jokes to be ''weird''. I guarantee a lot of people will react to his humour by thinking it's weird, we also got this,

Ghost giving advice for Soap to stim in a stressful/uncomfortable situation shows that Ghost probably stims as well and it helps with destressing and focusing. (it probably means some form of stimulant, like medicine in this context but I don't care, Ghost will lend Soap his fidget cube)

He goes to a bar and does not drink at all, with the rest of his entire vibe he gives off, showing he does not like eating and drinking in public. Mask aside...

maybe I'm reaching but I get massive strong vibes that people will think his behaviour etc to be strange and weird. People already do, personally, I don't. It's all pretty normal and relatable. I don't know, my autistic senses are tingling, I can smell it. THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK

edit: I’m just basing things from my POV, I am autistic, mine and his behaviour are very similar, so I just see parallels! edit edit: he's literally having sensory overload in the comics,

[ragingadhd]

Will Treaty headcanons that are totally not just me projecting

Will is a very picky eater. Always has been, and probably always will be. His pallet definitely expands a lot as he gets older, but in all likelihood, it will always stay within the “picky” realm.

He smiles a lot in public without even realizing it half the time. It’s something he’s kind of insecure about since people have told him it’s weird, especially when he was younger. Nonetheless, he still does it.

His inner child is so fucked up and traumatized that he will completely and utterly devour any shred of happy nostalgia he can get his grubby little hands on

Will is the type of guy who will laugh at a joke before he gets the punchline

He’s a bit of a maladaptive daydreamer. This can be hard for him since it makes paying attention difficult, especially to things like reading/writing reports or maps. But, it’s also kind of beneficial because it helps him come up with creative solutions to strange and difficult problems.

He’s a very fidgety guy, especially when he’s nervous. His go-to stim is rubbing his oak leaf pendant, so it’s constantly constantly covered in fingerprints as a result.

He’s got raging insomnia. It was at its worst while he was a teenager and, thanks to Malcom’s remedies, he’s able to sleep pretty well as an adult. But, even with his 8 or so hours of sleep every night, it still seems like his body is still catching up on the sleep he missed as a teen.

He has some kind of super-human radar for animals. No one knows how he does it, but he’s somehow always aware of every animal (especially cats and dogs) within his vicinity.

His voice is actually pretty low, and even though he’s not shy about using the lower registers of his voice, people don’t really realize it. His cheerful nature tends to balance out how low his voice is. But when he’s being serious or angry, THATS when people notice.

[averagedialtowner]

hey guys are these symptoms of mine enough to warrant wanting an autism diagnosis or am I dramatic

only ever eating plain foods

once nearly cried over the smell of a place

I’ve gone nonverbal at my first concert, crying with my ears covered

specific sounds and textures make me have physical reactions and maybe tears

I had to make myself a list of things to do to actually make sure I don’t strive away from those things

sticking to very specific outfits and clothing items

I can’t be interested in something and have it be a small interest, it’s always at full blast and it becomes my life, my room is decorated to the top with things from my interests, old or new

I stim, a lot. Pacing, flapping my hands, whistling, humming, singing, kicking my legs, rocking, finger fiddling, tapping, popping sounds with my mouth, etc

cried and nearly threw up over the texture of something despite enjoying the taste of the food itself

struggling with socializing and was often the weird kid with very specific friends when I went to public school

when I was younger if I got mad I wouldn’t speak at all until I calmed down

loud noises make me cry like. Most of the time depending on how long it is

bright/flashing lights cause me to get frustrated and cry

I hit myself on the head and/or hit myself against the wall when I get frustrated or mad

I don’t talk a lot unless it’s about my interests and then I could talk for hours

I can’t think of interesting responses unless I’m the one talking and not the other way around, despite how interested I may be

constantly missing jokes or sarcasm and/or being the butt of the joke because of it or because of how I act

biting on my lip constantly for no reason

literally getting annoyed at the mere presence of someone in my room or someone talking to me

not being able to listen without zoning out if it isn’t about things I’m interested in

trouble identifying emotions until they’re on full blast

kinda just refusing/not being able to do any of my schoolwork because it isn’t something I enjoy/am interested in and I physically can’t get myself to read it

I don’t make eye contact unless it’s very much forced

overly aggressive sometimes without meaning to do so

literally just not leaving my room just so I don’t have to talk to people because it stresses me out half the time

anytime I see fanart of characters I like I have to hop up and run around my room all whilst flapping my hands

can’t go anywhere without my headphones or else I get very panicky and overstimulated. As an example I went into a restaurant with my grandparents and forgot my headphones, and couldn’t get myself to eat the whole meal or stop tapping against the seat while kicking my legs because I could hear everyone talking at once

I feel awkward/anxious if I’m not holding something while in public or when I’m not moving my arms around a ton

yeah I’m done now I don’t know if there’s anything I forgot but

[pastel-daydreaming]

I learned about maladaptive daydreaming a long time ago. I made this blog around middle school or high school to find a community and people who understand. Its been completely welcoming, funny, sad, and everything that i needed when my madd was out of control.

It felt like the same day every day, going to school, making weird faces and almost whispering to myself the whole time while daydreaming, and going home. As soon as i was home, i would pace around and stim, and i would daydream for hours on end. I thought i hid it well, until my family would constantly mock me for “pacing in my room all the time”.

I remember pacing around so fast that i would constantly hit my legs or twist them the wrong way. I always had bruises on my ankles and leg pain because of it. I remember stimming with my hands too, especially the painful ones. At one point it was lightly slapping my hands, and when i got too into the daydream I would accidentally slap myself so hard i was snapped back to reality. Another one was rubbing my knuckles together, i remember doing them two different ways. Again, i would get too excited and my hands would be in a lot of pain.

And i would daydream so often that it became an important aspect of me, something that i felt like i needed to do, something that i couldn’t resist or stop. If i couldnt daydream, if i was interrupted, or if i was too frustrated, it was basically the end of the world. It was controlling me. It affected my grades in school, my friendships, and my relationship with my family.

Now im in my second year of university. Im not really sure when, but it got a lot better. When I catch myself daydreaming and pacing, and its easier to stop myself and move on to something else. I dont even stim with my hands anymore, and i never pace enough to cause any pains in my legs.

I still daydream an unusual amount for a normal person, and i still show signs of madd, but it kind of hit me that it’s not the same. Im doing well in school, and its easier to hang out with my friends and my family. I dont really lock myself in my room to daydream, and I dont daydream and whisper to myself as often when i’m in public. Somehow, i got better?

Im not sure if its because i’m older, or if its because i’ve had more responsibilities on me, or something else, but it made me emotional to think that things genuinely got better, and things aren’t the way they used to be. I’m not suffering like I once did. And the best part is, I feel like i can still daydream in a way that’s not hurting me or others around me.

I don’t know if anyone will actually read this, but I hope you’ve gotten better too. I hope that madd won’t rip your life away from you anymore. I hope that you’ll be able to get rid of these awful habits, or at least minimize them. I hope that you can still daydream and keep your para’s in a healthy way.

♥️♥️♥️

[copperrust]

thinking about how autism and schizospec symptoms overlap (venting ahead)

i thought i was autistic for some time. i had trouble making connection to peers and they perceived me as "weird" and i had "odd" interests and preferred to stay solitary. and i was bullied for my entire school life so i guessed that that was just undiagnosed autism this whole time?

but it was like this only since i started school, i don't remember anything from my early childhood except for misplaced dreams but my parents told me i was a very friendly and talkative child, i didn't have trouble speaking nor connecting with people.

i'm thinking about how my mother told me once that "it was like they i was switched up with a different child".

i was turned into kindergarten a year early and it was the same with school. i just turned 6 years old and everyone else was already 7. it's not like it was something that severe but i guess i just couldn't adapt well to that new environment.

i moved cities for second grade. that's somewhat the time where i start to actually remember things. i remember getting othered and bullied and i remember crying almost every day and teachers telling me to stop because it makes them look bad. i remember that there was nobody to tell. i remember getting no help at all. i remember changing schools again only in fourth grade and the bullying not stopping but only getting lighter.

i don't know if it was in first or second grade but i guess i developed stpd during that time. now when i changed schools my othering and bullying was "justified" even by "well-behaved" children because now i was weird and now i acted weird and nobody would be friends with someone like that. i remember drawing and drawing and drawing a lot because i liked drawing animals and i didn't like people anymore

i remember coping through violent fantasies and drawings since third grade because it was not safe to cry in public and i don't know when my face got so flat because it was not safe to show myself to people and how nobody noticed

i remember not trusting people because people hate me and people are staring at me and people are judging me and they expect me to trust and want to open myself to them

i remember that the last words from my classmate when i finished middle school were that i'm really weird

i don't know if i developed avpd later or at roughly the same time or even if there is avpd. i am not very good with memory

i remember finding symptoms of autism and thinking that wow that must be it. that must be the reason why everything happened and why i'm like this. but i uh don't really stim and don't have that much sensory issues and didn't connect to a lot of non-social issues that autistic people have. it's weird how i struggled with derealization and depersonalisation and disassociation so much and it didn't connect somehow that that could be trauma-based.

and then i experienced my first psychotic episode at 17 i think lol.

i was supposed to summarise all of this somehow in a really good way but i don't remember what i wanted to say. other traumatic stuff also happened along the way but i don't want to include things because they are not relevant and i'm afraid of being tracked.

it's weird how trauma literally rewires your brain and makes you a different person where you don't even know what you could have been

but it was just kids being kids eh

also schizospec and autistic people should unite i think

[swiftfootedachilles]

Achilles I'm like crying I feel validated by autistic Mickey like. I never got diagnosed as a kid. I'm not even diagnosed now, but I love stims and sensory experiences and I always felt... Different, y'know? I relate a lot to Mickey who probably never considered the possibility of autism, and tries to act normal and doesn't get why he says all the right things and tries to do all the right things but he doesn't hit the mark.

I can totally see the wedding melt downs as proper melt downs- I get upset when things deviate from the set plan too. There's just so much canon proof, I'm obsessed with him

CAMERON I FEEL YOU!!!!! ive never been diagnosed and i wouldnt even entertain the idea of being autistic until last year when my autistic friends said im probably autistic 😭 i was such a great student, gifted program honor roll teachers loved me all that shit. but i could never do basic math (i had to take classes where calculator werent allowed, i cant even add and subtract in my head unless i count up or down one at a time) and sometimes, in the classes i was the best in, i would have meltdowns during tests and fight with the teacher or start crying. i felt so embarrassed. i had ocd symptoms, an explosive angry personality, ANYTHING could set me off, i couldnt stand certain foods or sounds or textures to the point of getting in fights over it, i got berated by teachers for not making eye contact, my piano teacher had to teach me how to fake eye contact so i could go to job interview and school auditions. i have fierce black and white thinking. i cant have simple conversations with people. in college everyone called me the funniest person theyve ever met and i didnt even make jokes⁉️ i was like Like That. i either cant sit still and i need a million different forms of stimulation at once, or i dont move for hours, even days, while intensely reading or watching someone. there are so many other things but this isnt about me its about mickey!!!

and i know the writers played mickeys attributes off as a joke. i KNOW they accidentally created an autistic character while trying to write him to be "weird" or out of his element. i dont care, i see the scenes of him breaking chairs or throwing them into pools and embarrassing ian in public and unable to fall asleep unless the conditions are PERFECT and confusing his left with his right and being brutally honest and refusing to engage in small talk and not understanding cultural/social rules and uncontrollably crying and i see myself! the writers tried to make him the butt of every joke in seasons 10 & 11 and ended up making him even more beloved! i will continue to die on my autistic!mickey hill. every version of him is autistic. for me, trying to take that from him is like trying to take away his being gay or ian having BD. like thats just part of what innately makes him him. and i love him forever and ever amen

[alostlittleriverlotus]

I'm literally so done with masking.

I have spent SO long playing into my high empathy and trying to play some part of being the perfect little human that loves everyone. I've spent so long trying to be that and all it's done is leave me more open to abuse. Cause it came from abuse. I couldn't call anyone mean names. I'm so tired of trying to be the perfectly good person that does nothing wrong so I can feel worthy of love and not be afraid of being called a monster. I'm so tired of pretending that I'm not drained of energy. I'm so tired of masking my facial expressions to be "normal."

I am SO tired of hiding how I look when I feel tired, which is basically just this dead look of "everybody die." I am so tired of trying to appear normal. I'm just tired of masking anything.

If someone sees me and thinks I look scary or odd or emotionless, who cares? If someone sees me and thinks I'm acting weird or odd cause I'm stimming to music, who cares? I just do not have the energy anymore and I've spent so long that I'm just done. I'm over it. Even if it causes me anxiety, even if it feels like the entire world is staring at me, I don't care. Learning to unmask has been heavenly. Stimming in public, mouthing lyrics in public, dressing with items that fit my needs for sensory issues and such, wearing clothes that make me happy, not masking my facial expressions, allowing my face to "go blank" or allowing my smile to not reach my eyes. It's all so wonderful. Whether it's an autistic thing I'm unmasking or some "undesirable" trait that would get me marked as a "monster," I'm happy unmasking. I'm happy to just be allowed to be me.

And I'm glad I've been able to have such conversations with my friends so they can learn my traits. Like how even if my face looks blank, I can still be happy. Or asking clarifying questions. Or saying "I know I'm not physically reacting, but I heard you and I'm happy for you." It's improved my mental health so much and allowed me to feel free in communicating in ways that fit me. Oh God, I've been hiding behind these masks for SO long to be accepted by people that I haven't seen in literal years or people that would hate me because I come out (my parents) and I'm just so done. I got peeps who love me and don't mind me being "weird" or "different." It's so nice to allow my face to express naturally as well. It's so nice to actually feel my feelings instead of repressing them. It's so nice to let myself be angry or upset or annoyed. It's so nice to be able to express it in a healthier way that isn't a BPD problem because I'm actually letting myself feel and vent frustrations! I've genuinely been hiding SO MUCH of myself to everyone for years because of trauma with ex friends and my family. Things that would have gotten me looked at like I was evil, unpleasant, a monster, unfriendly, cold, etc. I've been called those things too. I didn't express grief properly so I was called cold. My ex used to call me a monster for not instantly caring about his needs (even when I told him at the start of the relationship that I struggled with showing affection and he was like "that's okay!" only to turn around on me later.) I am so glad I don't have friends who look at me like I'm some freak for "acting out" songs or going completely blank in my face. I have good people in my life that let me be myself. It's nice. It's like I can finally breathe.

I'm still unmasking a lot of things and internalized issues, but it's so SO nice to just...be able to ME for once. Disordered, imperfect, quirky, autistic, weird, whatever. I can let myself feel, I can let myself express, I can let myself communicate. Even wit struggles I still face, my self confidence has gone up immensely. And even if I'm paranoid and anxious, I feel more confident in public. I still get intrusive thoughts about what other people are thinking, pure paranoia or sometimes delusions, but it's better. It's freeing. It's taken a lot these past few years. But since I've graduated high school, I've been learning a lot. I came out as nonbinary, I learned about me being autistic, I accepted my ADHD, I've gotten help and medication for some issues, I've accepted these disorders I was so scared to self diagnose with and I have helped my trauma immensely. I'm not forced into a schedule, I'm not forced to be around 2,000+ people (my high school was VERY large and overcrowded), I'm not forced to lose sleep. I can eat meals when I want, I can focus on what I eat so I can help my health (prediabetic.) I just, everything about me has gotten so much better since I've graduated. I feel like I understand myself a lot. And unmasking has been a HUGE part of it. It's so nice. Even now, I'm getting better with my comment/post anxiety by being able to post more often, completely how I want. I still get anxious, but I don't get like obsessive or have a panic attack anymore. God I'm disordered, but I'm getting somewhere and getting better. It's a wonderful feeling to make progress and actually see it.

This is just a personal celebration of how far I've come :) every day I'm getting better and I wanted to celebrate it for myself. So yay!