anxious-amethyst - Tumblr blog

[anxious-amethyst]

Coworkers didn't tell me they were leaving to set up for the Trunk or Treat even though everyone knew I was going to help. I was supposed to car pool with one of them. They all left as a group and now I'm sitting in the back of one of my coworkers brother's car waiting for them to get one last thing for the set up. I've just met him and his friend and they are older men, but this is a social situation I hate to be in. Why didn't they holler to me that they were leaving? Was there some unspoken thing I was supposed to understand? Really stressed now. And feelings are hurt too tbh.

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I feel like I'm pissing everyone in my family off. I feel like I've done something to piss my immediate family off. My parents seem agitated with me or to be lacking patience, my sister seems to be chronically angry at me. But that isn't as new. And then I feel like my Pop-Pop (grandfather) isn't proud of me and probably suspects my seriously socialist ways and inclusive/diverse beliefs. I think he senses my disdain for the Church and Christianity and that comes off as me not loving or believing God. This week alone, I've been questioned on my faith more than ever. My sister outright said, "Why don't you just say you are an atheist then" today. Last night I angrily said I am not a Christian. And I'm not. I'm a Theist within Christian doctrine and care only for my relationship with God. I do not like most of the other Christians I see, know, or hear about. I don't subscribe to any one denomination and I loathe what Christianity has become. It actively pushes people from God and happiness. It harms others while using God as a weapon. I have told them these things but it makes them give me a look. Am I just not explaining myself well enough? Why does everyone seem annoyed with me? Why does my grandfather seem to not like me anymore? What have I done? I love them and I care about others, our planet, animals, and God. Why is that not good enough? So I talk about morbid things from time to time (like what people we've known look like in their graves now). I'm weird and out there and I think differently but it just seems to keep making those I love hate me or become angry with me. What the fuck did I do?! I don't think my grandfather fully understands that I'm back in college, literally a semester away from my bachelor's degree, but its online. Meanwhile my sister goes up to Maine for college and has been getting shit grades and not exactly doing great overall, yet he seems more invested in her going-ons. As an older child this makes me feel completely looked over. I'm making the Dean's List every semester. I finally achieved my first ever 4.0 GPA, no longer 3.5 and I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere. But I want him to be proud of me and it's not showing. My sister constantly belittles me and puts me down. Calling me naive and lazy, saying grades mean nothing when you suck at everything else in life. As if she is doing great in life and better than me when she isn't! I'm trying to better myself and to overcome my mental health. Trying to get an Autism diagnosis as doctors shoot me down for "seeming competent and able to answer questions clearly" or "sustaining eye contact". I keep eye contact as much as possible nowadays because I am so fucking self-conscious about looking away from a person. That's why I looked her in the eyes a lot. But I kept looking away and at the floor too. I need to give thorough and detailed explanations of things and to seem highly intelligent. This doesn't mean I am not autistic ffs! There's so much more to autism! But that's a whole other ordeal. The problem is that my mental health takes a deep dive and my fucking BPD emotional swings makes me feel like absolute shit as people I love give off vibes of being angry with me and not being proud of what I have accomplished. It just hurts.

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I did not subscribe to this...

I'd like to know why I am incredibly depressed right now. I've been so for the past hour and a half and have no clue why. This feeling sucks. Depression manifests in different levels and feelings. I've had the literal heart pain depression, the empty depression, the seriously contemplating suicide and planning depression, the heavyweight depression, and the brain fog depression. I've probably experienced others that stem from emotions like loneliness, hurt, betrayal, hopelessness, etcetera. But the one I am experiencing now can probably be placed on the list of the more vexing forms. The nagging and persistent depression that flows in waves of intensity. It shifts from the back of your mind to the front, it pokes your heart, and it dulls your mood to an irritable and sad state. I'm not sure what triggered this. Looking back on thoughts and past moments within the last several hours I have watched funny videos, learned some new cool facts, tried to avoid upsetting events happening in America like abortion rights, watched Naruto Shippuden, played some fun games, ate pizza, and did some schoolwork. The only two things that have remotely stirred negative emotions were frustration brought on by one of my cats which resulted in anger on the verge of tears for me due to my low mood and the two ads on YouTube about abortion rights being taken away. I can't recall anything else and I didn't really have any negative thoughts. So... what the fuck? I don't think either of those two things is enough to bring on a full-blown depression low.

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New stray cat has appeared at in the yard wanting food...

We’ve named them Smoky because of their colors and the gender neutrality of it after poor Tilly came off as a female due to his high meow and the name stuck because he liked it. Which I mean it doesn’t matter that it is generally female and he has balls, but yeah to outsiders they misgender the poor lad. Anyway, we haven’t been able to get close enough to Smoky to determine their genitals lol as they only became semi-comfortable yesterday. But on to the point of me saying this. 

I just gave my dad a lesson in grammar/English history from my near English degree completed mind about the fact that “they” does not always mean many. My sister and I kept saying they in reference to the cat and my dad literally kept freaking out thinking it meant there was more than one cat. (We already have 3 plus 2 dogs and a paycheck to paycheck livelihood.) I have grown annoyed at us repeatedly informing him that we are talking about Smoky and that their gender is unknown. It is so not hard to understand. So the lesson was on the fact that ‘they’ has been and can be a singular pronoun. There is evidence of it as far back as the 1300s. So when he said, “my 11th grade English teacher would have a cow.” I chimed in with, “well she would be wrong.” He has now accepted the use of ‘they’ for this cat. Now just to avoid his occasional comments about a “new gender appearing every day” smh, he’ll get it some day because he is a nice guy but damn dad XD

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Welp...

This is what the email to my Professor says:

[ Hello Professor Krysl, I am currently writing an email at 12:50 am EST with as much humor as I can muster to try to avoid the crippling disappointment threatening to attack me. I have the highly stigmatized ADHD and this week has been one from hell with it and my depression. I have such high standards for myself and the work I do and find I let them down all the time, this is one of those times. I have been unable to finish the reading in After the Fact this week and therefore am unable to write the essay. It is not due to lack of interest or laziness, in fact, I am quite interested, I have just been struggling with my executive functions this week. I ended up reading all of Black Elk Speaks for my other class today (because I kept putting that off too) and managed to get the 4-5 page essay turned in for it and managed to do the discussions in this class and the other one, as well as ace the quiz for this week. But it stops here, apparently, as my brain is probably exhausted and actively refusing to focus and retain information. I would describe it as whining even though there is no actual whining. This is frustrating since it got me into this mess, to begin with. The internet is full of resources that can help explain the woes of ADHD and executive dysfunction to anyone who does not know about them or is curious, but a meme will suffice for my purposes tonight. I just wanted to explain why there is an essay missing. It will be submitted sometime Monday and then I can restart the usual struggle of fighting to stay on top of things. I am so sad that this half of the semester is like all of the others from the past, me turning in at least one piece of work late. I was really trying to do better. Every day is a battle with my mind and I hate when it wins. I realize now that this had no humor in it whatsoever... Yikes. Well, enjoy the meme, I guess. 😂]

I have a headache now and am going to bed. So disappointed in myself. So ashamed.

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Writing this in the hopes that it purges my brain and helps me get shit done.

I have spent most of my waking hours today reading and writing essays because all week long I procrastinated, mostly in part to mental health struggles and fatigue. Now that I am at the final push, one last chapter (20 more pages) to read and one last essay, my brain wants to give out. I want to turn this in tonight as it is already late. I fear putting it off will throw me off more. But I think I will email my professor and pray he understands. Because my brain is absolutely refusing to retain information. It is whining. And I want to kick it so badly right now because it got us into this mess to begin with. ugh.

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Gee, thanks mom.

I have been informed that since I have elected not to go out into the freezing weather and oncoming blizzard to wait outside Walgreens for five fucking pills of emergency refill, I shall reside in my room the entire weekend. Reason? My mother doesn’t want to deal with my craziness or the withdrawal.

Explanation: I have been trying a new medication for over a month now to no avail, as in not getting any better. In fact, I lost my shit over this medicine debacle and my mom’s bitchiness just now and I haven’t even begun withdrawal! That starts tomorrow as today was the last pill of Desvenlafaxine Succinate 25mg. I have also decided, besides saying fuck it to taking this trash pill, to say fuck you at long last to my medicine provider and fire her. I liked her, she is nice and smart, but the business she works in sucks ass with returning phone calls or even picking up the phone and she is terrible at prescription refills. I have emailed her twice this week and called the business to no avail. Walgreens has reached out to my provider to no avail. This happens every fucking time and I am sick of it. So I finally lost my shit today. How did I act? By simply yelling and ranting to my mom. I distinctly remember saying that it does not work anyway and that I would rather “put a knife through my eye than go out into the cold and wait for five fucking pills.” At which point my mother thought it clever to say go right on ahead then. Only to say later in the argument that she will be pissed if I kill myself because of all the money she would have wasted on me going to college. I have a right to be fed up. I have a right to yell. Normal fucking people lose their shit at bullshit like this all the time. But I guess because I have borderline personality disorder it is suddenly unacceptable. So I am to stay in my room. Well I need the computer in the room we share as an office so that I may complete schoolwork. That won’t be happening mother. I will force my presence upon you. One more toe out of line and I swear I will show her what crazy actually fucking looks like. Sick of the flippant remarks. Sick of the struggle to get medicine. Sick of the state of America. Sick of the heat in the house not working and shivering every night. Sick of myself. Sick of living. Sick of not having money. Sick of the bullshit that human relationships have become when I am involved. I have a right to just barely blow my fucking top. I was so restrained during this interaction and she has no fucking clue.

Now to Google what I should expect from abruptly dropping this medication.

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>:(

Was in the car yesterday being subjected to horrible news via NPR. My mom wanted to listen to the radio. And it was making me miserable. She told me her and my dad were considering purchasing a gun for protection depending on how this next midterm election goes. They are feeling less and less safe. I said “Please don’t. It will make it so much easier for me to kill myself should things become too much.” And she said that was the only reason why we don’t have a gun in the house, because of me. Well we ended up in a verbal fight. I told her that if things go to shit real fast that I am “opting out” because I don’t want to deal with this bullshit anymore. She got real mad. Which is fine because your daughter is admitting that she would kill herself. But.... she called me a “Weak ass pussy” and other such things saying that I am weak. That I would waste all the money they have spent on me going to college, waste my life, waste their love, and so on. That if I threaten to kill myself again she would put me in a mental hospital. At which point I said that would not help and would guarantee me finding a way to die because I would feel trapped. Those places don’t help, especially the ones near where I live. And I never threatened to kill myself in the first place. I don’t even have a fucking plan. I don’t want to die. But if things get so bad and don’t appear to improve, I am not sticking around for the bullshit that is this hateful country and dying planet. I don’t wish to suffer and struggle. That doesn’t make me fucking weak. I didn’t ask to fucking be here. And all of this was real rich coming from a mother that came into the living room one night when my sister and I were watching tv as kids and read her suicide note to us. Real rich coming from the mother who has told me she wants to run away. Real rich coming from the mother who called me while I was at school getting ready for the school play to tell me goodbye and that she loves me and is going to kill herself. Real rich coming from the mother telling me every now and then that she wants to die. And she doesn’t know that I am mighty hurt and pissed at her for the fight we had. The shit she said. “I can’t be her daughter if I am so weak.” Fuck you. “Do something if you don’t like the state of things.” Bitch, these large ass groups of people are unable to get things to seriously change. Wtf do you think my ass can do!? No one fucking listens to me. I can’t change a damn thing in this world and I am certainly not going to serve the stupid shits that inhabit it and want to strip rights from people and kill the planet. I just don’t want a gun because it will be all to easy to pull the trigger. All too tempting. That means I don’t actually want to die and that I am here and struggling daily. And yet I am weak!?

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I need to shower. But my legs hurt. And I am tired. I have no energy. Showering is so exhausting. But I want to be clean and to smell nice. Yet my body and mind refuse to do it. Part of me wishes my mom could bathe me. Then all I’d have to do is stand there. But that is embarrassing and fucked up when I know I can do it myself. Why can’t I just do it!?

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I am right back where I was come 2019 this time of year (December). It is the end of 2021. My mental health improved drastically over the course of 2020 and was doing fine up till around May of 2021. All the improvement I made. All the coping mechanisms I developed. The relief I felt from this hell inside my head. All gone in an instant. It only took about a month for it to come crashing down around my feet like a Jenga tower. I am so distraught over this major setback. My progress being undone. And I can’t stop it! It is slipping through my fingers despite my efforts to keep it together! I see my therapist tomorrow, it will be a depressing meeting I am sure as I tell her that my progress was in vain.

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My favorite thing in life is my family not accepting me saying I didn’t upkeep my room due to executive dysfunction and an apathy for living (which has developed in recent months). I go without a shower for days. I haven’t brushed my teeth in at least a month. My sleep schedule flipped and I now go to bed at 6am. All of these indicate that something is clearly wrong with regard to my mental health. And yet, I need to get over it. As if executive dysfunction is something you can get over. As if this sudden and intense apathy is something I can just shove aside. “I understand.” No you don’t. Or you wouldn’t call me lazy, blame my lifestyle, or some other fucking nonsense on this. “Oh so we just have to carry you through this? Do all the work for you?” What the fuck do you think people who love each other do for each other? If you had a broken leg and struggled to get around, the rest of the family would be responsible for picking up the slack with the chores in the house and errands needing to be done. But my broken mind is no excuse? You think I want you to be cleaning my room? You think I want to reek? You think I want to feel the grime on my teeth and deal with the anxiety dreams of losing them? You think I want to not help decorate for Christmas or clean up the house or keep the kitchen clean and in order? You think I even wanted my room to be the pig sty it was? All you are doing is reaffirming the belief in my mind that no one truly loves me. That no one actually cares. You are making it all the more difficult to try to get a control on my rapidly declining mental health. Fuck you and your high and abled horse.

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Just saying

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Venting

So you have time to tweet and share tumblr posts off and on throughout the day. Time to talk to our other squad members because you are moving in with two of them. Time to message other people in some separate discord server you are in. But you don’t have time to check in with me at least once a week? Can’t say hi or how are you? Can’t tell me what is going on in your life right now? You are my bestest friend, and I thought I was yours. I get that life for you right now is hectic as fuck and busy. I get that you are super stressed. But guess what, you would relieve some of that by talking to me. Because I could listen and support you. You were in a relationship for three months and only told me about it more than a month later after it ended. I would have gushed to you first thing if I started dating. You don’t acknowledge my social media posts at all. And yet I get notifications for every single thing you post because I want to share in your passions and thoughts and feelings. Because I am your friend. I don’t feel supported by you in any area of my life. And I haven’t since May. It is now December 21st. The year is almost over. You wouldn’t know that I have been dwelling a lot lately on dying. I feel like none of my friends fucking care about me and that includes you. I feel worthless around my family. No one fucking cares about me. And now I am crying. I was getting better. My mental health was looking up. I’m not blaming you for the massive plummet it has taken in the last month, but you aren’t helping it either. I need to know that you care. That you love me as I do. It can’t just be all take. The phone works both ways. All of that. You are hurting me. I already reached out to you over the summer with a letter detailing my pain and anxieties involving our relationship. And you put some effort into it for a while after the letter, but then you stopped once again. We’ve been together for over ten years. It isn’t that simple to just drop a friend, a person who I have loved and cherished all these years. My first real friend. My hero. A person dedicated to in my first novel. You are a sister to me. There is a small chance you will come across this post if you search the right tags or it might appear sometime later in life. But I need to get it out here and I haven’t named you so I am not too worried. I need to scream into the void of the internet.

 Please don’t do this. Don’t make me have to end it all so that I can try to move on. Turn things around for the better so that there is nothing that I need to move on from. I don’t want to lose you, but it really seems like you don’t care if you lose me.

P.S. “Burn Butcher Burn” from The Witcher Season 2 is what pushed me to write this plea. Don’t make me burn the memories of you.

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I hate being depressed.

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Okay but...

trying to learn a new language (Arabic) is hard when your fricking executive dysfunction says no to you.

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ADHD Mood:

nO

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Me talking to my mom about my ADHD: So yeah I feel like this...

Mom listening and learning: Oh my...

Sister: Go fuck yourself, you aren’t special.

Me: