#or alternatively i just naturally say something completely incomprehensible even to myself

[wekillitwithfire]

sometimes i think that im lying to myself about my accent and that im just hamming it up for shits and giggles (which i often do) and that it’s actually not that noticeable but then i try to say Hozier

[wisteria-lodge]

snake primary + slightly burnt snake secondary (some kind of built secondary model)

Hi hi hi!! Hope you’re well!! So tell me, is there a way to tell whether you’re a lion or a snake secondary beyond the actual “textbook” definitions? I think I’m pretty burnt, and I’m on my way to fixing that, but it would help to know where I’m supposed to be heading lol

(Btw, I’m a Sam coded Dean girl. I don’t think it’s relevant I just thought that system was both useful and hilarious and I’m so glad you posted that)

I also really liked how that turned out.

I’m pretty sure I’m an improv secondary. I think I’m bad at it, hence the burning, but it’s what comes naturally to me and what I would feel most proud of.

I end up planning for a bunch of things, and in some cases I don’t hate it.

Damning with faint praise.

Like if I’m giving a presentation, I open a word document and write down what I’m gonna say verbatim, even the language tics and pauses and hesitations and such, so it’s like I’m actually living it. Then I repeat the whole thing multiple times, amending it whenever I change something, until I feel like I’ve sort of gone through the experience already.

That is… the weirdest way of hacking an improvisational secondary. Because that’s what’s you’re doing. Improvisational secondaries need to be “in it,” so you get as close to that as possible in the prep work.

Then I scrap the whole thing and improvise when it’s actually happening – the result is often pretty different from the word doc

of course.

but I’m a bit more in my element because I’ve done it already and I know I can do it.

This is honestly a really good strategy to make yourself more comfortable with improvising? I can tell you’re unBurning, this feels very much like… training wheels, to me. Heck, I think I would recommend your method to another burnt Improvisational secondary.

I’m not sure, but I think that sort of thing is more built than improv?

Like, kind of? I’m autism spectum, and when I was younger I built a Bird model to help me feel more confident accessing my Courtier Badger. That’s what this feels like.

But I definitely feel like it’s a model I’ve developed to deal with social anxiety and my fear of failure lol. I didn’t do stuff like that before it got bad, and if I could deal with not doing it, I would.

I hear that.

In most other situations, though, I tend to jump right in and go with the flow. I really don’t think very far ahead. I guess I can if I try, when it’s just a matter of logic, but things like my life plans, my relationships, or even more short-term things like plans with friends or what I’m gonna eat or how I’m gonna deal with a task, I really can’t project into the future. I can’t really make decisions or see a situation clearly until I’m in it. Then I tend to make decisions very quickly, kind of on instinct, or whatever feels right in the moment.

You’re definitely an improvisational secondary.

(Actually maybe that’s a primary thing? I’m a snake primary, but I do have a very prominent lion model, and a bit of badger as well.)

Nah, that’s definitely an Improvisational secondary thing. I am curious about your primary though, because you say you don’t have too much in the way of life plans… and *that* is more where a primary would come in. You feel like a safe Snake to me (that is, a Snake whose people are safe) so there is a little bit of… what now? What is the Lion+Badger model you wear over the top interested in?

Point is, I prefer being spontaneous, even if it’s something important. Making plans and having to stick to them makes me feel trapped. I’m not the most constant person, and I like that about me. I want to have room to grow and change, even for the smallest things.

Completely, entirely fair.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve talked more about limitations and things I don’t want so far, but I guess that’s a burnt thing.

I mean, sure you’re a little underconfident, but you seem pretty far along to me.

I’ve seen you mention what’s really useful in determining a secondary is what you actually enjoy, so here goes. I like being in the moment, and I like being able to come up with ideas and solutions on the fly, by taking in the situation and using it to my advantage.

That’s very Snake secondary sounding language.

I think there’s a bit of a separation in my mind between “people things” and “being clever things.”

For “being clever things” (like… I don’t know, an escape room, a problem with an administration, a paper I have to write, video games, some kind of mystery…) I like to rely on being observant and quick-thinking, and if I can find loopholes or outsmart whoever I’m facing to win in an unexpected way, that’s even better (but really more for my ego than anything else, I guess finding the “normal” solution is okay, as long as you get there, it’s just less fun).

Hilarious. Yeah, you sound like a *confident* Snake secondary to me.

For “people things” (drama with family or friends, or if someone is being an ass, or if someone comes to me for advice on interpersonal things), I prioritize being straightforward and honest. If I have time to plan or if I’m giving advice, I might come up with something more sneaky and elaborate, but if I’m in the moment, I’m most likely to be really confrontational, stubborn and unyielding, even if it makes things more difficult for me.

Hmm. I am reading this as a Snake who likes being Neutral - especially those words “stubborn” and “unyielding.” There’s a reason Neutral Snakes are called “the unmovable object.”

If I catch myself, I try to avoid it, but that just means staying silent and removing myself from the situation – I can’t bring myself to make compromises if it feels like I’m betraying myself.

Okay, now that’s sounding more Lion.

To be clear, that’s almost exclusively with people I’m close to, or who are supposed to “know me”.

Oh okay. This is your secondary interacting with your primary. Actively lying to and misrepresenting yourself to Your People would be immoral to a Snake Primary.

With friends who aren’t in my inner circle, or acquaintances, or complete strangers, or authority figures, I might get upset internally if I’m perceiving a slight or injustice, but I can keep up the mask I need no problem. That being said, I don’t have a lot of patience for drama, so if whatever it is can’t be quickly resolved with a convenient lie or saying what works for me in a way they won’t mind hearing, I just stick to what I’m actually thinking and/or my neutral state (I’m not sure it’s accurate to use snake language here, but it feels like it and it’s convenient).

I think it’s highly appropriate and accurate. All that is reading very Snake.

I’ve seen a bunch of people say lion and snake secondaries are sort of at odds with each other, but I don’t really get the contradiction between them yet (as in, I don’t see why people can’t be both those “contradictory” things at the same time). I do mask a lot, and I enjoy it – I think it’s rewarding, and honestly it just makes sense – it’s what works best in that moment, and it feels natural to shift that way. I just don’t feel it’s a misrepresentation. The whole “it’s not cheating, it’s being clever” thing just feels a little too dishonest. Cheating is cheating, no need to be so smug about it. It’s not wrong, though, at least not always. If it’s hurting someone who doesn’t deserve it, then it’s wrong (might still do it if the alternative is worse, but that doesn’t mean it’s suddenly an ethical choice to make, it just means I’m okay with being immoral in that instance).

All that being said, I don’t think masking is being dishonest about yourself. I don’t think anything that comes out of my mind is “not me”, it just doesn’t work that way. The personas I have with different groups or people in my life are all genuine, it’s just that different sides of me are brought up. And if I’m acting in a way that’s actually not genuine, that mask is still my creation – if someone else were to come up with a mask for that same situation, it would be different, because their mind works differently. Everything you do is a reflection of yourself, and even if you were to try your best to be honest all the time, you’d never be able to show your true and complete self to someone else. You can’t even see that yourself.

Oh man. This is why I love writing these, and this is what I mean about Lion and Snake being so incomprehensible to each other. Because Lions fundamentally do not think this way, every word here is dripping with Snake.

It might be helpful to think of Lions as static. That’s how Shakespeare (who definitely seems like a Snake secondary…) writes about them, and he sees them as sort of tragic. Lions really do have a “core” persona that feels more true than all the others, and they really do exist in it as much as they possibly can. And feel good and moral about doing that.

And a mask’s point may be to deceive or to gain something, but being blunt and straightforward can be used in that way too.

You are literally thinking of “common Lion secondary presentation” as another useful mask, and it’s so Snake, and so fantastic.

I’m thinking this sounds more snake than anything else, so I’ll focus on why I thought I might be a lion too now. I guess the reason I’m on the fence is because these two are presented as “either you think the only way is through, or you’re looking for a way around it”, and I’m not comfortable saying I favor either.

That is *a* way to think about the two secondaries. But those are symptoms, not causes. The reason a Lion secondary feels that the only way out is though is because a Lion secondary must be themselves, or die.

My first thought was to say that I get more satisfaction from finding ways around a problem because it makes me feel cleverer and it’s more fun, but that’s because I’m zeroing in on certain types of situations (people giving me some intellectual challenge, debates, or video games). But there were also a lot of times where I stuck it out and kept going with pigheaded stubbornness, and got a lot more satisfaction out of that (physical challenges like obstacle courses, disagreements with my parents, winning over certain people).

Here’s where I think the confusion is. You’re a Snake secondary, and one of your masks looks very Lion. Note how you talk about using this “pigheadedness” with certain people, who you know will respond well to it.

In fact, I remember my father telling me one day “yeah, you’re never here to compromise, you just make decisions and inform us, and keep going while you wait for us to accept reality,“ and I actually can’t describe how proud and smug I was about that. Kind of insufferable, but I just get so euphoric when people see right through me and show they get me, even if it’s about the more annoying or bad parts of me.

I think that’s just a human thing. The mortifying ideal of being known is how you feel loved.

I remember a conversation I had with my ex after we broke up where she cut right through all my bullshit and discarded my whole mask to get right to my inner self and the core of certain issues, and even though I was still mad and upset, and kind of embarrassed that she could see me being vulnerable, I couldn’t help but be happy about it, because I felt known.

Yeah. <3

I don’t interact much with people outside of my inner circle, so I can’t tell if it’s entirely specific to them, but I really vibe with the “honesty is their strength” part of being a lion. That’s why my people trust me and rely on me so much, because even though they know how sneaky I can get and how fun I think tricking people is, they also know I default to telling the truth and saying what’s on my mind more often than not, because they’re my people.

I think that, as a Snake primary who mostly only interacts with Your People, you’re in a kind of unusual position. I know that the presentation of a Snake who feels safe can be blunter, can be more Lion-y. My experience with Snakes is… yeah, sometimes I know I’m being manipulated, or having my buttons pushed in a specific way. But I’m fine with it, because I’m one of their people, and I know they would never hurt me. That’s where the certainty is coming from.

Then again, I also have a “it’s not lying unless they’re entitled to the truth” attitude with basically everyone else. I just don’t think some people deserve to know me that way.

snaaaake

(lions are going to take the truth and PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE with it, and if you can’t deal that’s YOUR PROBLEM)

And “ideally”, as in, if I didn’t have anxiety and a bunch of other issues, I still don’t think I’d just be neutral all the time. Sounds boring. And inconvenient.

Snake secondaries are great.

Ahhh, should I even post this? I feel like my whole thought process before this moment of introspection was “so I really vibe with snake, but I’m also hotheaded and a bit of a bitch, so I MUST be a lion, right” lmao. I just think I’m a straight up double snake at this point.

Yep.

Oof, a long way from my original lion bird sorting back when I first discovered SHC hahaha

Yeah, I used to think I was a Badger Bird.

(For the record, I’m writing this in a word doc, and it’s almost 2k now. I haven’t checked how long these normally are, so I’m really sorry if this is too long!!! I’m like physically incapable of being concise I’m so sorry)

Sometimes I edit or re-arrange these slightly for a cleaning reading experience, but I’m having fun. I was engaged all the way though.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for doing these!! They’re super interesting and I’m sure it helps people a lot, and also it’s really cool to see how different people think. I’m a socially-challenged writer, so it’s useful to have that bit of insight into other people’s minds. Love ya <3 <3 <3

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

2020 Can Take My Hair, But Not My Hope

My hair started falling out on election night.

I thought at first it might be the anxiety, that I was literally pulling my hair out with worry over numbers I already knew were not going to be definitive before the night wore into morning but which I stayed up until 3:30am watching anyway. I tweeted rapidly, reassuring my jittery timeline that not only had we all known that the night would bring no results but that we had even expected Trump to lead in key states because of the greater number of mail-in ballots from urban areas that would largely count for Biden. We knew. We all knew. But we were all terrified, flashing back to 2016 and already dreading another four years of living life on high alert, in constant survival mode.

I posted a selfie with a tweet that read, "Could be the last presidential election I vote in (blah blah stage 4 cancer blah blah) and I wish it were better and clearer than this but it's a crucial privilege to have voted. Remember, whatever the outcome, the last thing they can take from you is your hope."

To me that last sentence has been a mantra for these years and for my treatment. I have consistently refused, despite overwhelmingly terrible odds, to lose hope. The story of Pandora's Box tells us that the very last thing left inside was Hope--that even once all the demons were out in the world there was that tiny, feathered creature left to hang on to. It hasn't been easy, but I am one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet (and if you doubt this just ask anyone who's ever fought me on anything!) and it has turned out to be a saving grace rather than an irritating personality trait. Feeling like the world was trying to take my hope away made me angry. And when I get angry I will fight back.

I know I'm not alone in feeling like we entered some kind of alternate nightmare timeline on election night 2016. To that point, despite periods of immense personal difficulty, nothing truly terrible had happened to me. Then, in short order, my marriage ended and I was diagnosed with and began being treated for a terminal illness, all against the backdrop of a regime so deliberately hateful that it was truly incomprehensible to me. Then, a global pandemic and national crisis swept away the small consolations I'd found in my new life with cancer. The temptation to feel hopeless was strong and I struggled with it, particularly in the isolation of quarantine. I'm struggling with it now, facing a winter of further lockdowns, social isolation, continued chemo, and the added indignity (and chilliness!) of not having any hair. But somehow the coincidence of my hair loss with election night seemed like a good omen for the future, if a sad thing for the present.

I heard the news that they had called Pennsylvania for Biden at a peaceful Airbnb in the Catskills after stepping out of a shower where lost hair in handfuls. It felt oddly like a sacrifice I had made personally. I joked about this with friends on the text chains that lit up and that (despite my promise to myself and my writing partner that we'd "go off the grid") I responded to immediately. Instant replies, with emojis and GIFs, participated in the fiction: "Thank you for your service!!!"; "We ALL appreciate your sacrifice!"; "Who among us would NOT give up their hair for no more Trump?". The feeling was real for me, though. It was as though the good news demanded some kind of karmic offering. You never get something for nothing, I thought, and really it was a small price to pay.

The rest of the weekend passed too quickly, with absorption in the novel I plan (madly, given that I also work full-time) to work on for "National Novel Writing Month" (NaNoWriMo), walks in the unseasonably warm woods, and nighttime drinks on the back deck under the stars, watching my hair blow off in fine strands and drift through the sodium porch light. My friend and I read tarot and both our layouts contained The Tower, the card for new beginnings from total annihilation, the moment of destruction in which (as the novel's title says) everything is illuminated. "This might sound dumb," he said, "but maybe yours is about your hair." It did not sound dumb.

[shaved heads, the 2020 election, and a couple pics under the cut]

There is probably no more iconic visual shorthand for cancer than hair loss. It happens because chemo agents target fast-proliferating cells, which tend to inhabit things that grow rapidly by nature (hair, fingernails), or that we need to replenish often (cells in the gut), as well as out-of-control cancer cells. But not all cancer treatments, not even all chemotherapies, cause hair loss. In my 20 months of being treated for cancer and my three previous treatments (four, if you count the surgery I had) nothing had yet affected my hair beyond a bit of thinning. This despite the fact that my first-ever treatment (Taxol) was widely known to cause hair loss for "everyone." I had been fortunate with this particular side effect in a narrow way that I have absolutely not been on a broader scale. "Maybe," I had let myself think, "I can have this one thing." The odds were in my favor too; only 38% of people in clinical trials being treated with Saci lost their hair. I liked the odds of being in the 62% who didn't. But--as we all felt deep in our gut while they counted votes in battleground states--odds aren't everything.

I had come to treat the "strength" of my hair as a kind of relative consolation (though as with everything cancer "strength," "weakness," and the rhetoric of battle have nothing to do with outcomes). I treasured still having it, not just out of vanity (though I have always loved my hair whatever length, style, or color it has been) but because it allowed me to pass among regular people as one of them. I had no visible markers of the illness that is killing me, concealed as first the tumor and then the scars were by my clothing. "You look wonderful," people would tell me, even when I suffered from stress fractures from nothing more than running or sneezing; muscle spasms in my shoulder and nerve death in my fingertips; nausea that I swallowed with swigs from my water bottle that just made me look all the more like a hydration-conscious athlete; and profound, constant, and debilitating fatigue. Invisible illness had its own perils but I would take them--take all of them at once if necessary!--if only I could keep my hair and look normal.

It was not to be. A part of me had known this, since a lifetime with metastatic cancer means a lifetime of treatments a solid proportion of which result in hair loss. But I had hoped. And I had liked the odds.

The hardest thing for me is having to give up this particular consolation before knowing whether or not my new treatment is also working on my cancer. Unfortunately, there really isn't a correlation between side effects like hair loss and effectiveness of treatment. If it is working then I will feel that--like the election to which I felt I had karmically contributed--it was all completely worth it. Yet, even in this best case scenario, there's a new reality for me which is that while I am on this treatment I will stay bald. When you are a chronic patient you hope for a treatment that will work well with manageable side effects. And if this treatment works--and if the other side effects are as ok-ish as they are now--then I will remain on it.

It's that future that I am furious about more than anything else. I want to continue to live my life, of course, but I don't want to have to do it bald! In part that is because I don't want to register to people constantly as an archetypal "cancer patient" when I know that I am so much more. It is also in part because I don't want to think of myself as being ill, and living every day having to disguise my absent hair will make that all the tougher. I have already noticed that I feel, physically, as though I am sicker because of my constantly shedding hair. How could I not, in some ways, when every move I make and every glance at myself (including in endless Zoom windows) shows me this highly visible change?

For that reason, I'm shaving my remaining hair tomorrow (Wednesday). It's a way to feel less disempowered--less like hair loss is happening to me--and wrest control of the situation back. I will try to find agreeable things about it: wigs, scarves, cozy caps, bright lipstick, statement earrings, and a general punk/Mad Max vibe that is appropriate to 2020. But I don't want anyone to think for a second that I find this agreeable, or even acceptable, or that I don't mind. I mind a whole hell of a lot. My hair was my consolation prize, my camouflage, my vanity, my folly, and my battle cry.

I dyed it purple when I was first diagnosed because I knew (or thought I knew) that I would be losing it soon. I didn't, and I came to cherish it as a symbol of my boldness in the face of circumstances trying to oppress me, to make me shrink, to tempt me to become invisible. I refused and used it to "shout" all the louder in response. Because of what it came to mean to me, I'm nearly as sad about losing the purple as I am about losing the hair itself. It both symbolized the weight I was carrying and also that I would not let that weight grind me down. It was my act of resistance and my sign resilience all at once.

I sent a text to my friends, explaining this and offering, as an idea, that I could "pass the purple" to them in some way, small or large. It would feel more like handing off a torch or a weight (or the One Ring) than anyone shaving their head in solidarity. (After all, if they did that it would just remind me as I watched theirs grow back that, in fact, our positions were very different.) You're welcome to do it if you'd like too, internet friends, with temporary or permanent dye or a wig or a headband or one of those terrible 90s hairwraps or whatever. But I don't require that anyone do it because I feel support from you all in myriad ways, all the time. (But if you do, please send me pictures!)

It's November 2020. The election is over and Joe Biden has won. I still have cancer and I'll be bald tomorrow. I hope it's a turning point, both personal and global, because it feels like one. We've given up a lot in the last four years and I cannot say that I feel in any way peaceful or accepting about having to give up yet one more thing. But in losing my hair I absolutely refuse to also give up my hope.

(On our walk we did also seem to find a version of The Tower, all that was left of an abandoned house)

[nellied-reviews]

The Empty Man Cometh Re-listen

Hey, it's episode 9 of my Wolf 359 re-listen, which means it's time for a particularly iconic episode:

The Empty Man Cometh

In which Eiffel freaks out, Minkowski freaks out and Hilbert freaks out. Seriously, that's the whole episode. 

This episode, like I said above, is iconic. It's memorable, it's tense, and it's funny, in a dark, weird sort of way. Plus, it's the example par excellence of why Command are the Actual Worst. I had some very fond memories of it, going in, many of which it didn't entirely live up to, even if I generally enjoyed the episode.

As the episode begins, though, it does set its situation up really well. We have an ion storm incoming, after all, which works as a handy bit of spacey technobabble. We kind of suspect, until the final reveal, that the ion storm might have something to do with this Empty Man thing, which encourages us to view the episode's biggest threat as something vaguely external to the Hephaestus, something coming from the vast, impersonal void of space.

After this groundwork, however, all we get is essentially one long build-up and release of tension. We've already seen Wolf 359 trying for a horror episode - hello, Super Energy Saver Mode - so we already know this is something the show can do. And unsurprisingly, it does it pretty well here too, only using the "aaaargh, there's something weird out there" monster film model instead of the "aaargh, there's something weird in here" ghost story model. It's a simple idea, and it plays out pretty much like you'd expect, right until the end of the episode.

The messages the Hephaestus receive, I have to say, are amazing in their sheer weirdness, and I have a real affection for the moment where Eiffel shoots down the idea that they're somehow mistakes. He's 100% right that a real error would just be random letters or numbers, and pointing it out feels like a nice genre-savvy touch. Plus, after several episodes of Eiffel walking straight into horror movie clichés, it's nice to see some common sense from him.

Unfortunately, knowing that they're deliberate only makes the messages more mysterious, since they give the crew literally nothing to go off. The messages are clearly warnings, but beyond that, it's very hard to figure out what, if anything, the crew are supposed to do off the back of them. The messages put pressure on the crew by counting down ominously. But apart from that, it's essentially meaningless input. There are no instructions for the crew, no useful bits of information. There are just some very confusing words on a printout.

And, given the revelation that it was all a psychological experiment, might this not be the point? Perhaps Command want to know how humans react to their own powerlessness in the face of the totally incomprehensible, the terrifying Unknown. In fact, given that Command have a real interest in human communication with aliens - the ultimate terrifying Unknown - this would actually make sense. Heck, it even makes sense for them to specifically be doing this onboard the Hephaestus - theirs is the ship that Command expect to make contact with real life aliens, any day now. We could maybe see this experiment as a sort of psychological inoculation, preparing the crew for moment they finally get a message from the Dear Listeners.

Either way, if it's psychological reactions Command want to observe, we get them here by the bucketful. Eiffel, for example, alternates between freaking out and trying to convince himself that it's stopped. Hilbert, from what we can see, turns to technology, buckling down and running scans, while Minkowski is the one comparing the messages, trying to pull out patterns. It's an admirable impulse, but I suspect it's exactly what Command are playing off here. As humans, we love to find patterns. It gives us a sense of control. But faced with something that is incomprehensible, the sense of control slips away. And so, as level-headed as Minkowski seems, she freaks out in the end just like the others.

It's also worth mentioning that this is the point where the episode pulls out all the stops to freak us out, too. Seriously, from the use of tense music and creepy sound effects, to the absence of Hera's reassuring presence during large parts of the episode, to Eiffel whispering the final message, all of this is so spooky. I mean, things build to a peak, the power cuts out, everybody's losing their mind, and then-

Oh. It was all a psychological experiment. Ugh, Command. Why are you like this?

It's a deliberately dissatisfying, anticlimactic ending. We want to heave a sigh of relief that the Empty Man isn't real, that the crew survived. But any positive feelings linked to the release of tension are drowned out in righteous indignation and - for us, if not for the crew - a feeling that we've been robbed of the exciting horror story we were expecting. We, along with the crew, have had the rug pulled out from under us, and while it's something the show's done before - remember, uh, last episode, within which Box 953 never got explained or followed up on? - it's the first time it's felt cruel. Box 953 was an accident, accidents happen. But this? This is just mean-spirited, so we end the episode firmly aligned with Minkowski and Eiffel in their feelings of anger and betrayal.

The only positive? I do feel like this shared, terrifying experience brings the crew closer together, as evidenced by their plan to write a sternly worded letter and send it to Command tomorrow. I'm not sure how effective it will be. But the thought's nice. Plus it might give them a sense of control back, and who am I to argue with that? 

It's a bright moment at the end of an episode that otherwise leaves us frustrated and angry, putting us through the psychological wringer alongside the crew. As an exercise in building up tension, it's effective, and it doesn't completely lose that tension on a re-listen, even knowing the ending. I still found myself jumping at some of the noises in this, you know? And scary countdowns will always be scary!

That said, I do think that some of the impact this had the first time I listened to it was lost this time. The first time I listened to this, after all, I remember getting freaked out by the prospect of the Empty Man, but also invested in figuring out what it was. Knowing that the messages are meaningless, I was less invested in that this time round. And weirdly, I also remember finding the crew's freak-out and their subsequent rage at the anticlimactic nature of it all funnier the first time round - perhaps because it was so unexpected? In any case, that didn't carry over as much this time, either.

Nevertheless, I would say that this episode was still perfectly fine, and my ill-will towards Command has, if anything, intensified. But it was certainly a different experience on a re-listen, with different things standing out. Which, in the end, is what a re-listen is for, I guess. Some episodes improve dramatically. Some don't. For me, this one falls into the latter category, which might just be due to how strong a reaction I had to it the first time I heard it. And that's fine. Not every episode can - or should - be made for fans on a re-listen.

And hey, if you found it just as good, or better, the second time round? More power to you ^-^

 Miscellaneous thoughts:

Minkowski saying that they might survive this with minimal damage *shakes head*. Has nobody on this station heard of tempting fate?

Is the pulse beacon relay sound effect actually a cash register sound? It's effective, either way - I love how clunky it sounds :)

This episode is also a really good opportunity to show us how the pulse beacon relay works. Which totally won't be relevant ever again. Nope. Not at all.

Un momento por favor, Doctor Hilberto." Why does this line amuse me so much?

"Decide what to do with the time that is given to you." Aaaaaaaaah bad bad bad!

Hilbert speaks Russian, Swedish, Norwegian, German and Afrikaans?! How did Afrikaans get in there? (headcanons 100% welcome here)

Aww, Minkowski thinks they should all get a good night's sleep. Sound advice in most situations tbh

[themyskira]

Did you ever read the Infinity Countdown: Captain Marvel oneshot? I just did and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I had not read it and now I have and what. WHAT.

For those who aren’t familiar: for crossover event reasons, Carol has the Reality Gem, which gives the wielder the power to alter the laws of reality and (in this canon) access all other versions of reality. This offers wide scope for a multiverse-spanning oneshot story in which Carol encounters multiple versions of herself and other Captain Marvels (Captains Marvel?) while grappling with the immense power of the gem. Perfectly solid premise. So far so good.

But what could drive Carol to risk tapping the gem’s powers, as dangerous as they are? An imminent disaster? A terrible tragedy?

In the process of successfully and non-lethally subduing a dangerous supervillain, Carol causes property damage and alarms a half dozen civilians. In cape comics, this is what we call a quiet Tuesday, but here we’re expected to see it as an utter catastrophe. People are afraid of Carol! Instead of applauding and cheering for her, they are fleeing in panic! Clearly this points to Carol’s utter failure as a superhero and as a human being, and is in no way a natural reaction to two heavy objects hurtling from the sky and slamming into the middle of a road!

Carol completely drops her bundle and spirals into questioning every decision she has ever made, which prompts her to recklessly and frivolously use the Reality Gem to scour every other AU for clues as to where she went wrong with her life.

In Earth-669, she finds a world where Civil War II ended differently. You remember Civil War II, that universally beloved masterpiece of character fiction turned Carol into a raging fascist poised to tear apart innocent lives on a single precog’s say-so? I know I’m sure thrilled to be reminded of it!

Well, in this reality she also became a raging fascist, before experiencing such an abrupt change of heart that everyone around her interpreted her poorly-expressed olive branch as a renewed assault. Instead of putting Tony in a coma, 669-Carol is the one who ended up comatose.

616-Carol wails and cries self-pityingly. Yes, her actions led to people dying and being grievously wounded and having their lives ruined, but she was also a victim! Because she... became unpopular. Everybody was sooooo mad at her, you guys! They treated her like she’d killed Tony, even though he was still alive and she didn’t mean it and anyway he’s find now so it’s totally okay. HER LIFE IS SO HARD.

Next stop: Earth-10774, which is broadly the same as the House of M reality, where Carol (as Ms Marvel) was Earth’s premier hero. Except that in this universe, the Marvel mantle belongs to Monica, who is beloved, while 10774-Carol is a pitiable alcoholic who sleeps in the gutter.

“No. That’s not right at all!” wails Carol, who still doesn’t appear to understand the concept of an infinite multiverse. “I knew how hard Tony fought his alcoholism, so I got help!” Which is a weird way of phrasing it and kind of implies that Carol’s sobriety is entirely Tony’s doing.

In Earth-9289, things veer into the incomprehensible. Carol meets a version of Rogue who, unlike in Earth-616, absorbed “all of [Carol] -- powers, personality, feelings”. Except... that is literally what happened in 616 continuity.

I think the idea is supposed to be that, whereas in 616 Carol and Rogue were both ultimately able to reclaim their identities and recover, in 9289 their identities and powers became inextricably entwined, resulting in a hybrid Carol/Rogue persona... or possibly some kind of body swap situation, because for some reason there are two of them here?? I've read the page several times and I can’t figure it out at all.

Moving on to Earth-70875, 616-Carol muses that she was “trained ... by the best”, referring to Mar-Vell, who -- while he was her friend and love interest -- absolutely did nothing to train her. When Carol met Mar-Vell, she was already a highly trained military officer. The only thing she got from him were (inadvertently) her powers, which she learned to use by her damn self.

Anyway, in this universe, Carol had the Nega-Bands instead of Rick Jones and she sacrificed herself to save Mar-Vell or something. Whatever.

Carol has some trite revelation about defining her own reality, returns to Earth-616, beats the bad guy again and decides to accept all the choices she’s made.

She concludes that she now understands how devastatingly dangerous the Reality Gem could be if it fell into the wrong hands, because they could use “information” from other universes to make “choices”, which, I’m sorry, bullshit.

This gem is supposed to be capable of tying the laws of physics in knots and moulding reality like putty, which is a chilling power in any hands. This comic reduces it to a window into the multiverse, a kind of hall of Mirrors of Erised that’s dangerous mainly to the wielder, who risks becoming consumed by second-guessing their own choices and longing for a world that’s not their own.

Yes, there’s a fleeting detail about Carol using a piece of advice from an alternate Captain Marvel to defeat a villain in her own universe, but it’s hardly a terrifying demonstration of the gem’s power. We could have had Carol punching through the walls of the multiverse, pulling an army of alternate Captain Marvels into Earth-616 to thwart a cosmic threat before exiling the villains to a desolate universe. We could have had her dipping into the gem’s reality-warping powers to counteract a villain, with frightening consequences.

Instead we got... ‘Woe, woe! My life is terrible! Tell me, Magic 8-Ball, where did I go wrong?! ... What’s that? It could be worse? Gee, thanks, 8-Ball! I guess I know myself a bit better now! But I can’t help but wonder: what would a villain do with this terrifying power of... INFORMATION?’

[paganchristian]

A baby mockingbird singing in this high-pitched cheepy voice to its mother, practicing flying lessons with her and wanting to be fed, which we saw one day at that walk by the sparkling polluted water.  It makes me think, of the cuteness, the brightness, the liveliness, vitality, and yet also vulnerability, of the world, of people, human  nature and culture in general.  But while it makes me think of that it also makes me think the vulnerability is also strength, as they say.  There is at least some strength in vulnerability, safety in numbers, and security in humility, the rock bottom is the place from which we can stably ground ourselves, and see just like the place the water flows is the lowest and the most widespread, covering a flat area or a deepest crevice, water flows so.  To spark thoughts from quotes I’ve read, but don’t try to get right or even eloquent, sure I’m stumbling over words, poorly worded.  Quotes by J. K. Rowling and Lao Tzu, about rock bottom and the low, flowing nature of water, the unconquerable, submissive, malleable, shapeless water, any shape water, morphable, mercurial, infinitely creative, substance-less, spineless, simple,..  essential, vital, life force, well I don’t know, think I carried the quote into too much wordiness, got away from what Lao Tzu said, probably though of course in the Tao Te Ching he says many things and I only recall snippets of this or that and not like I rad it all, mostly too incomprehensible for real life for me, and even more of that bound, cornered feeling of judgment and assumption, morals I can’t apply or make sense of, like most religious things, but I found a book that helped me a lot more which as 365 Tao by Deng Ming-Dao and then I was getting all of his books I could until something I read cast some uncertainty on some things related to all that, or some of his books maybe, but not that I know, and I still like the books.  I’m not here to criticize, argue or debate, just vaguely tell about my own personal journey and what has shaped it, mostly to try to make sense for myself and let associations and memories and new angles spark new possibilities.

The world feels so loud, hyperactive, productive, bright, light, over-positive, over-confident, overly self-assured, narrow-minded, happily so, oftentimes, or reactive, happily reactive, wrapped up in a reactive stance, full of facts, knowledge and prestige, arrogantly so, or full of doubt, credulity, confusion, self-loathingly so, naively, and very much lost, very much easily ready to just follow whoever looks like they might know better or maybe to reject anyone who doesn’t conform into one’s comfortable simplistic ideas (that though, one thinks are complex and complete, not simplistic at all), and all these things wrapped into one, or sometimes just one or the other.  Often rushing, rushing, competing, showing off, look how busy I am, busy with work or busy with play, but busy always, look how active and productive my life is.  Or even not busy with work or play, but busy with the opposites, whatever those are thought of as being,.. so busy studying or learning or thinking or being creative and insightful and intuitive,...  Or, busy being spiritual, busy meditating, or even if it’s said to be lazy being spiritual,... laziness embraced and glorified, look how Zen and without a care I am,.. look at me.  Look how transcendent and blissful or peaceful and content and accepting of the mundane tedium I am,..  But it’s not like I’m above all that busy-ness or busy-being-lazy-ness  I’m prone to some of this, much of this, depending on the time, the events of my life, the conditions, just like the Buddhists say, that conditions make a person who they are and the wheel of life, Samsara keeps us stuck, and we aren’t better or different than others who seem worse, because in the wrong set of conditions we would be the same.  

Anyway, that pretty much covers everything, all those ways of being busy, even being busy as we just “Be” and not busy doing.  Everything has to fit somewhere in there but it’s more about how balanced it all is, how authentic, how real and true and appropriate for the situation given, and that shows if it’s a good kind of busy-ness or a good kind of way to just Be, or not, how much and when.  And it’s in the eyes of the beholder, and we have to subjectively say what feels right, even if another can see we’re harmful but if we don’t see it only we can choose and judge and no one really knows how maybe it’s the best for us even if it’s harmful since we can’t cope and find another way but there are benefits despite the harm, maybe benefits we absolutely need and can’t do without, so yeah...  All of that may be true, but still, I need something far, far more than relativism in my own individual life situation right now.

But still I have to see, how can I try to get a handle on all this,... The world feels so ephemeral, so slight, slippery and slipping through my fingers while my own life I try to hold my loved ones, God, and my family, and shape them so they will have a ledge to stand on and not just be sucked up into the wheel of Samsara and suffering, but not either be fooled into thinking they have transcended it when in fact they’ve just dissociated from reality in a harmful and delusional way, as I think that some of these spiritual things can be, or else entrenched themselves into an arrogant and reactive stance, narrowing their views, beliefs and values to feel better than it all, even if they appear to be very active, engaged in moral causes and practices.  How can I keep this from happening.  Or how on the other hand, can I keep them from slipping into nihilism, relativistic extremes and confusion?  

I see what has helped me after my own long many years and decades even of struggle.  And it’s not like I’m beyond reproach, at all.  It’s not like I’m beyond being disrupted and pulled off my fragile ledge of security and goodness that I’ve found, however very imperfect it is still.  I know it’s still precarious, but it’s something, and how could I wish or hope I might pass it on to those who I love and stabilize it for my own self so I won’t lose it irretrievably or so I hope.  

How when my whole path has been almost like one of extreme contemplative isolation?  That is not even possible for most people nor would they ever choose it if it was, for most people, because I’m not like most people at all.  What do I have to offer that they want to take, that they can use and see in such a way to benefit and not be harmed or led astray?  What like that do I have?  I want to give books, I want to give my own writings and the books of others.  I want to give practices.  But none of those things feel as if the others would even take the time to immerse enough to deeply see the insights in them.  None of them feel like they’d be given much thought at all, necessarily.  Maybe with my daughter, but she’s too young to see how she’ll become when she’s older, and for now she is far from being able to absorb them at her age, of course, almost ten years now.  Though they began training religious people at a very young age in many cultures, traditionally, but does that mean I could without doing harm or would it be just more of the things that are causing me so much grief and confusion in religion, that I’m just now hoping that I’m finding a way out of that tangle of mistaken ideas and correcting it?  So even if I could teach her from a young age, certain things, what things?  Is there a precedent of such new and open minded ways to teach kids from a young age?  Or would I have to forge my own unique open minded set of ideas to teach her? 

I don’t know but I want to teach her enough before she is beyond the age of being very influenced by me any more and she gets so whirled up in the mire of rush and performing for others, competing and impressing and fitting in and consuming the many ideas and pressures and judgments and crises that are presented as fact, and she has to then see what to believe or consider or ignore and there is only so much time to do any of that while you’re growing up, getting closer and closer to adulthood, trying to find your place to live in the world, when you’re grown up, trying to find friends and people you can count on when you are and adult, hoping to find love one day, a lasting love, as many or most are, and so on..  most get so caught up in this whirl of confusion or alternatively, in stagnation, escapism, just coping just to get by, with all the stress, and not really becoming wiser or growing, because it’s all they can do just to deal with the confusion and pain and it’s just scraping by in life, maybe even stuck in such a position for the rest of their whole lives.  But of course, making the best of it they can, putting on a happy face and being brave because why complain if we’re all in the same chaotic sea, in the same or similarly insufficient rafts, life boats, why complain if this is all life seems to be?  And so it felt for me for decades, except my particular lifeboat felt a little or a lot different from many, because I was so very introverted, isolated, contemplative and just inclined to do and consider differnt ideas and practices than the vast majority of people.  But still for so long, I was lost, and still I am still so precarious.  

I just want to find how to reach people, how to find a place and a way to fit in the world, and belong and be safe in the larger structure and order so  that it doesn’t dash me to bits.  And I just want to find also a way to pass on my knowledge, and insight, practices, healing, bliss, wonder, beauty, grace, goodness, that I’ve found to those who I love, at the very least, if no one else, if I can’t reach any farther than that, at least to someone, the ones most likely to be able to receive it, it seems, because they do have a lot in common with me, they are open, loving, caring, wise, thoughtful, in many ways, about things that I feel are often rejected or ignored by most people.  They aren’t totally open, or I could just share it all and it would be obvious, but still they seem much more open than most anyone, in reality.  Many are open in theory but not in practice, open to talk but not deep talk, open to ideas but not complex elaboration of the ideas, open to accepting but not to engaging or really understanding, so I feel on the outskirts of every open-minded seeming community that goes into the deeper things.  Even among them I feel excluded and ignored and rejected to a great degree, unwanted, irrelevant.  But with my own family, it’s different.  We aren’t just family, with all the ties, the life history, the love and hope, and continuity and always being there that that usually implies, to some extent.  We are also close, loving, much in common, understanding so much, nonjudgmental, open minded in so many ways far beyond the norm of society at all generally.  Even when the coldness, anger, bitterness, and avoidant resentment and self-loathing can all be there, with my closest loved one, besides my child.  And even with my child, still so young, dreamy, flying from one thing to another, active, distracted, as children often can be, seeking excitement and chaos, freedom, play, imagination, spontaneity and impulse.  I do not feel it’s really my place to try to redirect such bold and free and active impulses, yet it feels to me that I worry if it will take her away from the more contemplative path that I feel holds almost all of the wisdom that I could offer.  But children aren’t contemplative generally, are they?  And to try to make her go on that path too early might be wrong, so what age and how?  And maybe is it right, ever, if she isn’t inclined towards it?  How can I see if she is inclined towards it, how can I see if she has that gift and that sort of personality or whatever?  Because I think maybe it could be there, just latent, untapped, and how can I see if it’s there without trying to push her into this or give her too many practices that would unintentionally shape her and take her from her own natural gifts and true personality?  I feel my own personality was shaped away from who I was meant to be and ever after I felt lost, depressed, and in no way will I ever do that to her if I can help it.  But it feels like maybe there are some ways I can give here these opportunities and see if she is able to absorb them well and fit in with it all well and enjoy and thrive in it.  Maybe.  Just enough of these practices and ideas, and not too much to where it shapes too much her so impressionable childhood mindset and nature.  

As for my relative, can I ever find a way to reach them?  Can the rush and skating on the surface that most people look to me like they’re doing, when I see them, can that ever really be reached by me?  If I could write a whole series of books on all the things that would help them, and it had the cure, but they are never going to sit with the material enough to deeply perceive the truths in them, and it’s not just books you can skate through, but you have to really sit with them and return to them, turning them over and over , over time, seeing different angles and things you didn’t even notice at first, looking and looking again and again, over much time, many breaks, patient and slow and peaceful,... and if they will never even consider such a thing, and look with extreme skepticism and resentment on the mere ideas of such things, looking on such slow contemplation with arrogance and scoffing at it, supposed wisdom is seen as foolish, arrogant, and out of touch with realty,.. and indeed I think that often spiritual and philosophical ideas are truly out of touch, arbitrary order, unnecessary rules, deluded, narrow-minded so I see how they can assume such things about it all.  But is there a way I can reach them with these things that are only reached through deeper contemplation or s it just like I’m a deep water creature who can’t swim up there to where they are?  And if I tried to show them what you can only really experience in the deep they will not see it the same way, will just laugh at it and swim on by.  And yes, yes, I know this sounds very arrogant of me, to be talking about deep and shallow.  I don’t think they’re altogether shallower than me in every way, though>  I think that in some critical ways, they might be much better people than me, maybe.  And I don’t like to judge.  There is just so much that you can’t know or see of another’s experience.  But this is how I perceive the reality of it- that some ideas are deep and gradual and contemplatively accessed, and some are not, and that some people are inclined or willing to look at the deeper or more gradually, intuitively processed ideas, and some are not.  And you can’t reach those who won’t consider the deeper, gradual, obtuse, mysterious things,... Or you just can’t reach them with those deeper, slower, intuitive ideas.  A world of riches might be totally beyond them, till if they ever will open to the idea in more than a theoretical sense and really dive in and live there.  Their lives might not let them live there anyway, caught up in the rush, chaos, need, problems that feel urgently like you can’t escape and they take all your attention...  And they may  be far less able to concentrate and focus mentally, even if they had the free time and energy to spend on it.  Most people don’t read a lot of complex books and find them extremely painful to read.  I don’t even read a lot of them myself, because they’re too long-winded and detailed dry and arrogant-sounding and stuffy for me.  Or they seem too hard to believe and too hard to follow, too out of touch with my lived real experience of my life.  But some of these deep complex books and other things I read online, or audiobooks (sometimes much easier for me to process more quickly and pleasurably than reading certain kinds of books, if the voice and tone of the narrator conveys a lot of interesting content, that the text in itself doesn’t, for me) ,.. Yes, some of them I can read.  Some I do find great wisdom in and thankfully I have read just enough to give me immense benefits.  I know if it wasn’t for these authors much more brilliant and wise than me I would never have made it far in my life.  Self-destruction would have consumed me, delusion would have run my life.  But many can’t read the books and things I’ve read and can’t contemplate and arrive at the insights which have saved me from self-destruction.  

I know that talking like that might make me sound arrogant, but it is just how reality appears to me, when I perceive the facts and appearances of things before me.  It looks and feels to me as though so much goodness is trapped in books and things most people will never even be able to deeply think about because it feels too painfully boring to them, to ever tolerate.  

What then can you do but let go and hope there is another way they can find grace, mercy, goodness, in shallower waters, a way I don’t understand myself, a way I don’t live, a way I don’t know how to share because I don’t understand.  I’m not the one to help them, am I, unless I could ever come to be shown such things.  Then they’re a depth I can’t understand.  But I have to let go and give it to God or the universe or randomness and chance, or whatever it is, because sad as it could be, it feels totally beyond my grasp, unless prayer and metta meditation and energy work helps.  

[shiedagabe]

My Experience With Dissociation

Author’s Note: I’ve had dissociation as long as I can remember. I feel like this is a disorder that has much to talk about, especially during CoVID where more and more people might seek refuge in dissociation. I have come to share my experience with it throughout the years and, hopefully, it will help you understand yourself as well.

Note: I’m probably going to write more chapters, but I have to find out how to express myself.

Belongs to: Unknown, Piqsels.com

Trigger Warnings: Existencialism, Self-Doubt, Mention of Suicide

Word count: 2200

What is dissociation? This answer may vary from person to person as all people who present this disorder don’t feel the same way. Perhaps it would be better if I gave an example. Imagine the following scenario - imagine you’re at a restaurant with your significant other and both of you order the same dish. Despite the fact that your lover does not like shrimp you decide that it would be a good idea for them to try it out, only for them to hate it, as they always have. Dissociation works quite in a similar fashion: while I may have more mundane experiences with dissociation that may be caused by my down to earth nature and rational thinking, a person who would be more impulsive and illogical would, certainly, experience different dissociative episodes and, in turn, be more or less affected by this disorder. Perhaps they imagine themselves as being a hero in their made-up world and the characters in those worlds being a mere reflection of the people they meet in real life. They travel through long and beautiful worlds while staying still on the same spot, thinking of a better life for themselves when they’re stuck on this Earth.

As for me this would be a completely different story. I imagine very mundane scenarios, all of them being very likely real, causing me to be unable to distinguish them from reality. If I had to make a real world comparison I’d say it’d be very similar to a movie projector from the 1950’s. You’re rewatching the same scenario over and over again until the roll burns out and you can’t relive it anymore. Until all emotions are drained from it like a sponge and my so-called real experiences get hurt in the process. I’ve always had a hard time recalling events from my past, even though I have an overall good memory. I think the problem lies in the fact that I can’t tell if I chose to forget those memories or if they have been washed up after being left for many years on the shore of life. Now they are deformed versions of their past selves, limbless abominations, if you will, and I have to complete them with what I see fit, but every time I try to do so I only create a half-starved chimera who begs to be put down. I feel as if I have to retry that process countless times until it seems believable not only to others, but also to me. And the memories I am able to recall are faded, as if I were remembering the time I remembered them. It seems weird, in an interesting way, that the human mind, in order to protect itself from its inner machinations, decides to shut down the “emotion lever” as to shield itself from what it cannot comprehend. I’m sure many others face a similar issue, being trapped in their own minds like rats in a maze, unable to understand the complexity of their jail while imprisoned in their own distress. I wish there were a more simple solution to this disorder, but it seems to be caused by unbelievable amounts of stress and, interestingly, I don’t seem to recall the event that started this whole journey. Was it parental neglect and the ever-excruciating need to be heard? My parents do seem to love me now, but people do change and they can always fake their emotions. Or perhaps it might have been peer rejection? I do have people I can call friends at the moment, but I do remember feeling left out and excluded from every social group I’ve known, except for a small group of people, who, to this day, I still call friends. Or maybe all of these situations are complex alternate realities that my imagination has brought forth and modeled to my liking. This is, without a doubt, one of the worse things about dissociation. The inability to distinguish real, livable moments from imagined perceptions of reality.

I want you to imagine the following: imagine you have two choices for breakfast, you either eat cereal or you eat a sandwich. I know reality isn’t as simple, but for simplicity’s sake I’m dumbing down the argument. Now you decide to eat the cereal, but your mind later tells you repeatedly that you should’ve eaten the sandwich because you would’ve enjoyed it more and it simulates the smell and taste of said sandwich and, by the time someone asks you what you ate for breakfast you couldn’t tell them what you had. You’ve felt the experience of eating both, their taste, their smell and seeing them right in front of your eyes. Without physical evidence of you eating said cereal, for example, a bit of cereal stuck in your gum, you wouldn’t know that you ate it. If we now apply that to actual scenarios it becomes tens, if not hundreds, times more complicated. “Did I hang out with this person? Have I ever told them about an intimate secret that they should know for their own sake?” These questions float around in my subconscious and I try to make an effort as to not get consumed by more existential thoughts. The best solution my incomprehensible mind has found was deleting any and all memories I had until only their hollow remnants remained, some sort of apoptosis, if you will. On one end this manages to work out quite well - I no longer have to worry about my memories being faked or transmogrified because I know all of them aren’t real, at least to their full extent. The only times I do recall events is when other people remind me they happened or when I pick up an old object that I still hold dearly to my heart, like stuffed toys or old trinkets and charms I have lying about. On the other hand, however, I am an empty husk without any sort of experience I can tell people about, a modeless play-doh that still needs to be reshapen. In my personal opinion, this might also be the reason why I can relate so much to other people. I assimilate the parts of their personality that they show me, or that they find attractive or engaging, leaving me with a stronger bond with that person in particular. Since I don’t talk to only one person, however, it’s to assume that I have many personalities inside my own mind, each one catered for the person I’m talking with. I also have a feeling I have a “base” personality that’s friendly and welcoming that, in its due time, develops into what the person likes. If I’m interacting with a more extroverted, outgoing person I might be more careless and unaffectionate, as they simply want to have fun, but more introverted or just overall shy people need someone who cares for them and treats them kindly, something I can also very much offer. Although this leaves me with a problematic conundrum – who am I, in reality? Am I the carefree, enthusiastic person, just like person A, or am I shy and caring like I am with person B? Am I an entirely different person whom I haven’t discovered yet? A mumbling freak with no personality of their own, who fumbles around for scraps of personality from my ever-darkening mind? Some of these questions I haven’t been able to answer for months. If I don’t have a sense of self-identity, how can someone love me for the person I am, and not for the projection I show them? And if I don’t know who I am, how will they? Some people have tried to read me before but I always find something that’s quite not right, and I legitimately don’t know if they’re right and I can’t admit it or if they’re wrong and I still incorporate the personality trait they have listed off.

Of course, like other people who suffer from dissociation, you might find yourself with this puzzling task. Fret not; the solution may be closer at hand than you think. For you to discover yourself you have to try out new things without any sort of peer pressure or anxiety issues. If you’re shy or antisocial, like I once was, you should try going to small events and see how much you like them – that being bars, small, indie concerts, parties with a close group of friends, whatever peaks your interest. If you don’t enjoy those types of events it’s completely okay, not everyone enjoys everything and you shouldn’t force yourself to do them. You don’t need to force yourself to do something just because it’s normal. You can be a closeted bookworm or a nymphomaniac extrovert, it does not matter, just do things that you find interesting, within the boundaries of morality and legality, of course. If I were to be honest, I, and many others, find people who aren’t “normal” fun. They usually have many more stories to tell, be them fictional or real. People who follow the norm just because they want to be accepted socially usually don’t have many stories to tell, and if they do you can and will hear that story many a time from them or from other people, since they usually hang out in large groups just to feel accepted. I’m not saying that these people are completely uninteresting, however, but their need to hang out in groups leaves them with little to no unique experiences of their own.

With that out of the way I’d like to move onto a different topic: dissociative amnesia. For those who aren’t familiar with the term, it can be divided into three categories, which I will not go in depth here, but it basically represents a lack of memories from a specific time or from specific events. Although many people won’t have this issue at all, since it only occurs in 1% of the male population who suffer from dissociation or 2.6% of the female population, I still find it important to mention this issue. I feel like I don’t remember myself from my childhood, as if all those memories had been forcefully removed from my mind, for one reason or another, that the only memories I do, in fact, have are extraordinarily recent. I do recall some events from my childhood but I also feel like most of them have been lost to time. This has always been quite troubling, not only to find and maintain a sense of identity, but also to keep a conversation flowing smoothly. I have met many people before who have asked me to tell them some interesting facts about my life but I’m always dumbfounded and out of words because I don’t know who I am, I can’t tell them something about me. I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, you can take my word for it, but I can’t remember them, for the life of me. Sometimes I wonder if remembering my entire life would be a better option. At least if I remembered what I lived through I’d be able to decide if I wanted to forget those things or not. It just feels like most of the stuff I remember about my life as a child was uncomfortable or straight-up depressing. The first time I proposed to a girl I immediately got rejected because of my own stupidity. I lived in a fantasy world, even back then, and I legitimately had no clue what to do. My friends did say I was romantic, but I know they were only calming me down so I wouldn’t look even more like a clown. If I were to be honest, life is a vicious cycle of momentum – if you don’t hang out with people you won’t know how to socialize and if you don’t socialize you won’t be able to hang out with people. I understand now that it’s a difficult cycle to break, luckily I have been able to exit it because I moved into a different environment and I finally feel like I’m starting to understand myself, but I still find myself without a feeling of uniqueness. I notice that I’m not myself still, that this more “party animal” personality I have was created because of the people I met in the past. It was my cliché version of an out-going personality should be and it managed to work out, despite all of my expectations.

I remember mentioning that my dissociative episodes were very mundane, yet I failed to give an explanation as to why. I know there is a difference between daydreaming and dissociating, those two concepts are very much alike, but they differ in small ways. I feel as if I can’t pay attention to anything. If I try to I start imagining literally any other thing – it might be the person talking, but I won’t hear any sound; or perhaps, even, that we’re in a completely different environment. If I’ve been with that person for a long time I might imagine us in different situations, as if we were on the beach or watching the sun set. However, since I’m stuck in my own imagination, I can’t remember anything they’ve said. I usually blame it on something else, like my bad hearing, which is partly true, but I guess I’m too afraid to admit that I wasn’t paying attention. Consciously, I feel like this isn’t my fault, but I have to spend so much time explaining this feeling that I don’t know if it’s worth it. On the other hand, they might also not understand what I mean and think I’d be playing them like a fiddle. I can’t trust anyone, no matter how long I’ve known them for – I don’t know if they’re wearing a façade and pretending to be my friend only to, later, have the “last laugh”.

[raecrossman]

Exercise Motivation, The Weird Way

image: flikr

Do you look forward to a strenuous workout? If so, congratulations! But the rest of what follows may seem like incomprehensible gibberish to you. If you don't need to twist your brain into pretzel-like configurations in order to motivate yourself to exercise: you are free to resume websurfing. Enjoy a few more videos of rhinos cuddling with meekrats, or watch with terrified fascination as the next Trumpian plans for the apocalypse are announced. Google up a tasty gluten-free avocado brownie recipe! Or hell, go out and run a marathon and follow it up with a nice little nap. There all sorts of healthy ways to motivate to exercise! I've talked a lot about exercise motivation and demotivation and remotivation over the years, and will doubtlessly yammer on for years to come. I have all kinds of healthy motivational tricks that I'm not embarrassed to share, and these are a large part of my aresenal. But there is also a seamy back-alley of exercise will-power, and I have some other secrets you don't see mentioned in respectable publications. Yet for some of us, these are a real help in keeping us consistent throughout the years, yielding the numerous physical and emotional benefits that sedentary people do not get to enjoy. Just what the heck am I talking about? But first, a little more about what I'm up against. Anyone else? Doing Battle With Natural Reluctance and Sloth Here's the problem: I have a highly evolved human brain. It knows vigorous exercise is good for me. But still: I don't wanna. The prospect of changing into a special outfit, removing myself from my comfortable house, transporting myself to some inconvenient location in order to lift heavy things over and over, or flail around until my heart pounds and my legs weaken and I can barely breathe, and to end up all sweaty so I need to shower and change again? I'm like: Fuck this, do I have to? Really? And yet it's weird: most of the time when I go, I don't hate it all that much, and in fact, I often even enjoy my workout for many minutes at a time! So what gives? Why can't my logical brain put these two facts together, conclude that reluctance is a shitty predictor of future reality, and skip all the melodrama? Apparently there's a stubborn, archaic part of my brain that is still trying to "protect" me from the possible unpleasantness of physical exertion.

Get Back on That Couch, Crabby!

image: wikimedia

Yep, I think it's my inner cavewoman. She can't help it though, she's wired that way. Sure, she would motivate me very efficiently if I were starving and needed to climb a tree for fruit or catch a rabbit, or alternatively, to flee from something with fangs and claws contemplating me for dinner. But she seems to believe that I need to conserve my energy for these rare circumstances, and should rest up whenever I can, and hang on tenaciously to my precious fat stores in case famine is looming. In particular, she wants me to stay the hell out of the gym. "You're going to be miserable, Crabby," cavewoman warns, as she spies my workout clothing coming out of the drawer. She pumps out a huge dose of fear-and-loathing chemicals for good measure. "Don't do it, you'll be sorry!" "Shut the hell up, you ignorant unevolved hominin" my modern brain says,  "it's not going to be that bad!" And yet, deep within my twisted psyche, I believe her. If it were just the two of us, cavewoman would win every time. But instead.. It's Inner Neurotic to the Rescue!

image wikimedia commons

So what skills does this maladjusted motivational hero bring to the fight? Illogical Reasoning! My inner neurotic is completely looney tunes when it comes to cause and effect. It over-generalizes, catastrophizes, makes unjustified leaps.  "You MUST WORK OUT today Crabby, or you will immediately lose all your muscle tone, gain 100 lbs, become a lazy unmotivated loser, and your life will spiral downhill in such a shocking way you may wake up tomorrow morning in a trash dumpster with the smell of Cheetos and Thunderbird on your breath." OK, so maybe some of these visualizations are unconscious. But I'm pretty sure they're in there, or else why would the "shoulds" and "musts" be so amazingly effective? There are all kinds of other "shoulds" I ignore with no problem! Obsessive Overthinking! My neurotic brain loves to plan, scheme, analyze, invent, hypothesize, experiment, tinker, refine, and of course narrate and opine and explain things to imaginary audiences. So a simple question like: what might be the optimum way to exercise today? I can keep my brain circuits firing for hours on that, before, during, and after the actual athletic endeavor. (Just yesterday I developed a whole new running-in-the-park interval and functional fitness routine, specific to a particular section of Balboa Park. Which is interesting timing considering we are moving, leaving town tomorrow, and that was probably my last Balboa Park workout for the foreseeable future.) Is it healthy to devote so much mental energy to something so trivial? No! But it adds a whole level of entertaining intellectual engagement that I believe may help keep me coming back for more exercise year after year, despite what cavewoman has to say about it. Narcissism! When I'm in really good shape, I believe I look "better," according to the arbitrary aesthetics our superficial screwed up society currently endorses. I do know, intellectually, how stupid and shallow this source of motivation is.  And yet I'd be lying if I said it doesn't help me get my ass out the door and onto an elliptical machine. Procrastination! I don't look forward to exercise but there are always chores and tasks and decisions that cause me more angst than working out does. Exercise is concrete, physical, and time-limited, and if I have some other obligation I'm avoiding, strapping on a heart rate monitor and filling up that water bottle start to seem a lot more appealing. Guilt and Self-Flagellation! To exercise or not is a lifestyle choice, not a moral dilemma. I am not a "better" person if I work out, or a "bad" person if I do something else instead.  My brain gets confused about this though.  (Again, with plenty of help from a superficial society). The idea that I can somehow "buy" virtue by lifting a few weights or logging a few miles is preposterous. And yet I suspect this delusion helps me crank out a few more reps when I might otherwise quit. Important Cautionary Note:  Beware Truly Self-Destructive Exercise Habits I am blessed with a natural slothfulness that keeps me from every taking these neurotic tendencies too far. So I feel I can make light of them. There is still debate among experts as to whether exercise addiction is truly a thing, in the sense of being a recognized psychopathology. But we've all seen people who are truly compulsive about their exercise behavior, and who have lost the ability to make rational decisions about when to exercise and when to stop. It often seems to accompany disordered eating behaviors such as anorexia and bulimia. Exercising to the point where you endanger your health is no joke. If you are getting feedback from those around you that have an issue, don't dismiss it out of hand. You don't have to take their word for it, but consider getting some professional, objective input about your behavior and its impact on your health. OK, enough of the serious responsible shit. Anyone else use ridiculous methods to motivate yourself sometimes, or are you guys all healthy and normal about getting exercise? Exercise Motivation, The Weird Way posted first on your-t1-blog-url

[batterymonster2021]

Consciousness -- the final frontier | Dada Gunamuktananda | TEDxNoosa 2014

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/consciousness-the-final-frontier-dada-gunamuktananda-tedxnoosa-2014-2/

Consciousness -- the final frontier | Dada Gunamuktananda | TEDxNoosa 2014

Translator: Nadine Hennig Reviewer: Denise RQ thanks. I have got to say i am very impressed with the way in which Mary suggested my identify. I couldn’t have said it higher myself. (Laughter) About 25 years in the past, I used to be in my final year of medical university, but i’d been doubting my profession alternative for quite some time. Then sooner or later, I went to take blood from a candy little old girl. Struck an artery alternatively of a vein. I still have no idea how I did that. As blood spurted out everywhere the location, I stated to myself, "Yep, you are without doubt in the unsuitable occupation right here." (Laughter) So within the interests of all involved, I dropped out and grew to become a yogi rather. (Laughter) (Applause) thus my unconventional look. Clearly, it is no longer the only intent for my unconventional look. Certainly one of many let’s assume.So i would like to share with you the yogic suggestion of area, our inner space, what we expertise within ourselves – i’m redefining the terms slightly here – and outer space, the whole thing outside ourselves. We reside in a huge Universe. To provide you with some idea of its measurement, if we took the universe to be the size of our planet Earth, then our planet Earth can be about a billionth the scale of a pin head in evaluation. A billionth the size of one of those. I am conserving up a pin, in the event you cannot see it. It can be my prop. (Laughter) There you go. It’s the same one. It honestly is the equal one. A billionth the size of one of those compared to a type of.By the way, a billionth of measurement of a pinhead is about a millionth the dimensions of a grain of sand, or concerning the natural size of an atom, so take your opt for. In any case, the thought is that it is relatively, relatively, quite small in comparison with the dimensions of the Universe. So does that support put it in point of view? I think that gives us some inspiration of the size of our Universe. An totally massive and difficult Universe which we’ve been anticipated to feel, consistent with contemporary science, regarded out of nothing with none intention behind it. That’s actually like expecting us to believe that our phones and laptops simply fell into place with out any one designing them or hanging them collectively. In step with biologist Rupert Sheldrake "present day science is based on the principle, ‘give us one free miracle and we will give an explanation for the relaxation.’" (Laughter) "And the one free miracle is the looks of all of the matter and vigour of the universe and all the laws that govern it from nothing, in a single immediate." but cutting-edge science is just now coming round to the conclusions held through yogic science for millennia, to a proof of our Universe that is going to take our working out to a entire new degree, and that’s that each the substance and the intention of the Universe come from a deeper fact than the fabric one we normally understand with our minds and senses.And that reality is consciousness. An all-pervading, blissful consciousness, inherent in all people and the whole lot. Simply as your possess awareness is the essence of your possess intellect, cosmic recognition is the essence of the complete Universe. It exists inside the whole lot, and the whole lot exists inside it. Practically, everybody and everything is a part of and stuffed with realization. Imagine that. Nevertheless, we,for reasons I won’t go into now, have generally given up on the concept of a greater cognizance in our trendy world view. Within the last one hundred years or so, present day science has come to a very mechanistic take on fact. What if although intellect, topic, and house have been all filled with realization? What if the possibility of consciousness as a better reality were every bit as actual as any of our present constructs of truth? And what if it might provide us, if most effective we had been open to it, some very real advantages in figuring out our world and where we match into it, when compared to some very serious negative aspects of a materialist world view? In a materialist world view of an arbitrary, mechanistic, unfeeling Universe, there may be every reason to suppose alienated, lonely, nervous, and depressed.And if we don’t believe it ourselves, we all too by and large see it in others, and in the malaise of our society. Materialism would not engender optimism in men and women or society. Alternatively, in a blissfully aware Universe, there may be each intent to suppose inherently linked to people and to the sector, to suppose loved, hopeful, completely happy, and at peace with oneself and others. In the words of my guru Shrii Shrii Anandamurti, "you’re under no circumstances by myself or helpless. The drive that courses the celebrities courses you, too." So as a substitute than trying to validate a worldview which makes us unhappy and frightened of the longer term, I consider, we will have to be seeking to validate a worldview which offers us fulfillment and hope for the long run, not simply as members however as a society. The advantages of a conscious world view are titanic. And it’s potentially no much less valid than any of our constructs of fabric fact. This isn’t just wishful thinking. Correctly, the essence of the Universe is consciousness is solely as legitimate a premise as the essence of the Universe is topic. The only change is that one will also be sensed and the other are not able to.We are able to understand subject with our minds and with scientific dimension, but we are able to handiest expertise consciousness internally. We have got to find it inside ourselves. There used to be once a Sufi mystic referred to as Nasr Utem. I virtually stayed in his native land in Turkey for a few days once. And there are various experiences about how he used to instruct in eccentric and humorous methods. Probably the most experiences goes that he misplaced the important thing to his house, and that he was looking for it one night outside below a streetlamp. A passerby asked him, what he used to be doing. "i’m watching for the key to my apartment." "where did you lose it?", she asked. "someplace inside my condo." Then naturally she said: "good, when you misplaced within your condo, why are you watching for it external?" "for the reason that it is dark inside of," he responded. (Laughter) We must look for what we’re looking for in the proper situation. Even supposing it can be tough to appear for it there. It’s effortless to seem outside, not so effortless to look inside. In step with yoga teachings, cognizance lies within, and so we have got to look for it there.However this is the capture, now not intellectually. It’s now not anything we can recognize with the intellect. Take the case of a mild bulb, for instance. A light bulb is competent of shining light on the room around it but now not on the vigour which illuminates it. In the identical manner, we’re in a position of comprehending the arena around us but now not the attention which animates us. It’s past the traditional functioning of the mind, beyond words, past even proposal itself. The core of our being isn’t whatever that may even be spoken about let alone notion of. I believe, we’re all familiar with the announcing by Descartes, "I think, therefore i’m." however that is what yogic philosophy says, "after I stop pondering then I really am." (Laughter) just considering that we can not think of anything, just for the reason that we cannot show whatever scientifically, doesn’t mean it is now not there.We can’t prove a mother’s love for her little one but that doesn’t mean it is no longer there. It’s a matter of the center, and matters of the heart can not be fathomed through the intellect. So fabric science can by no means get to the center of what it fairly means to be human. We can simplest validate the essence of our existence by means of the deepest inner expertise of recognition within us. About now, you probably pondering that that is all just a little ethereal-fairy and New Age. Even i am beginning to believe to myself. (Laughter) So I need to give you just a few brief examples of scientists which have additionally stated the possibility of attention as a greater fact.There don’t seem to be lots of them. However people who there are, are relatively unique. I is not going to spend an excessive amount of time on this, in fact i’m going to to take a look at to conclude before I . (Laughter) Max Planck, the father of quantum thought, regarded realization as major. "I regard matter as by-product from cognizance. We can’t get behind cognizance. The whole thing that we speak about, the whole lot that we regard as existing postulates realization," this from the pioneer of quantum concept. A bit later, the physicist James jeans wrote: "The flow of advantage is heading towards a non-mechanical fact. The Universe starts to appear more like a first-rate proposal than like a high-quality laptop." and i higher throw in something from Einstein right here simply to provide it a bit more umph.(Laughter) "probably the most attractive and profound emotion we will experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is at the root of all proper science. That deeply emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning vigour which is printed in the incomprehensible Universe is my concept of God." subsequently, I need to provide you with an illustration of a trendy scientist who surely experienced bigger cognizance first hand. Dr. Eben Alexander is a neuroscientist who had like a lot of his colleagues purchased into the thought that the mind creates its own cognizance.Then, rather paradoxically, he shrunk a very infrequent mind contamination which put him in a coma for per week during which he skilled the heightened and enlightened state of cognizance, however that he was clinically mind useless on the time. He mentioned: "throughout my seven days of coma, I now not handiest remained utterly mindful however journeyed to a lovely world of magnificence and peace and unconditional love. I underwent essentially the most marvelous expertise of my existence, my recognition journeying to an additional stage." Dr. Alexander is now on a mission to convince the brain science neighborhood to, as he places it, "graduate from kindergarten" and transfer on from the inspiration that the mind creates its possess reality. Now, fortunately for you and i, apart from examples similar to these, there simply so happens to be a systematic and scientific procedure of validating consciousness personally in our every day lives. I feel you is not going to be surprised to hear me say that that’s going to be meditation.Meditation is intuitional science where awareness is substantiated by merely first-hand inner experience. Via meditation, it can be completely possible to expertise bigger recognition as every bit as real as you and that i sitting in this room correct now. After I had a chiefly illuminating meditation expertise where I felt the entire room used to be filled with a subject of realization vibrating with consciousness and with bliss. It used to be so extreme, so tangible. The sensation I had at the time that I could cut it with a knife. It was once undeniably actual then and that i still have no doubt about it to at the moment. By way of meditation, one has many such experiences that finally result in the awareness of one’s realization. Why do not we go forward right now and check out to experience better awareness by way of meditation? Shall we supply it a are trying? It might not have happened to you while you aroused from sleep this morning that you just’d be meditating at present, however there you go, something is feasible. So I invite you to the close your eyes for a minute or so.Take into account to breathe, and try now not to fall asleep, i do know, it has been a protracted day. And start off by the centering your self. Center of attention for your experience of self. Consider the center of your self. (tune begins playing) Now feel that you are totally at peace. Consider peace and happiness all around you. Feel endless happiness all around you. Now believe that you’re merging into that infinite happiness. Think that your own feel of cognizance is merging into the countless recognition around you. Think that your possess awareness is merging into the limitless realization all around you. Suppose yourself fitting one with it. Feel that you are one with it. Suppose that you’re it, and proceed like that for just a few extra seconds. Now, would not that think better? Dada Gunamuktananda: yes? No? (audience) yes. Anyway, you would have gotten a glimpse simply now into the probability that your possess cognizance is one with the realization of the whole Universe. That it is within you as good as throughout you. That it is real, and that you would be able to feel it, if you quite are trying.And not handiest consider it but know it is on the core of your being. This is not just an summary thought, it is about the essence of us all. It can be about discovering the greater awareness within our own awareness, realizing our own internal reality is the higher universal fact. And the extra we increase our experience of fact, our sense of being, the more related we believe to all beings. The happier we are, the less apprehensive, the much less lonely when you consider that we recognize that every one is part of us, and that we’re a part of all.The inner quest facilitates the embracing of all within ourselves, everybody, animals, vegetation… The planet. Folks, animals, and plants on other planets – sure, it’s a no brainer- the whole Universe. What i love to assert is that simply as the world turns into a smaller position with the progress of conversation and transport technological know-how, so will the Universe emerge as a smaller situation with the progress of meditation technology. Thank you. (Applause) .

[airoasis]

Consciousness -- the final frontier | Dada Gunamuktananda | TEDxNoosa 2014

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/consciousness-the-final-frontier-dada-gunamuktananda-tedxnoosa-2014-2/

Consciousness -- the final frontier | Dada Gunamuktananda | TEDxNoosa 2014

Translator: Nadine Hennig Reviewer: Denise RQ thanks. I have got to say i am very impressed with the way in which Mary suggested my identify. I couldn’t have said it higher myself. (Laughter) About 25 years in the past, I used to be in my final year of medical university, but i’d been doubting my profession alternative for quite some time. Then sooner or later, I went to take blood from a candy little old girl. Struck an artery alternatively of a vein. I still have no idea how I did that. As blood spurted out everywhere the location, I stated to myself, "Yep, you are without doubt in the unsuitable occupation right here." (Laughter) So within the interests of all involved, I dropped out and grew to become a yogi rather. (Laughter) (Applause) thus my unconventional look. Clearly, it is no longer the only intent for my unconventional look. Certainly one of many let’s assume.So i would like to share with you the yogic suggestion of area, our inner space, what we expertise within ourselves – i’m redefining the terms slightly here – and outer space, the whole thing outside ourselves. We reside in a huge Universe. To provide you with some idea of its measurement, if we took the universe to be the size of our planet Earth, then our planet Earth can be about a billionth the scale of a pin head in evaluation. A billionth the size of one of those. I am conserving up a pin, in the event you cannot see it. It can be my prop. (Laughter) There you go. It’s the same one. It honestly is the equal one. A billionth the size of one of those compared to a type of.By the way, a billionth of measurement of a pinhead is about a millionth the dimensions of a grain of sand, or concerning the natural size of an atom, so take your opt for. In any case, the thought is that it is relatively, relatively, quite small in comparison with the dimensions of the Universe. So does that support put it in point of view? I think that gives us some inspiration of the size of our Universe. An totally massive and difficult Universe which we’ve been anticipated to feel, consistent with contemporary science, regarded out of nothing with none intention behind it. That’s actually like expecting us to believe that our phones and laptops simply fell into place with out any one designing them or hanging them collectively. In step with biologist Rupert Sheldrake "present day science is based on the principle, ‘give us one free miracle and we will give an explanation for the relaxation.’" (Laughter) "And the one free miracle is the looks of all of the matter and vigour of the universe and all the laws that govern it from nothing, in a single immediate." but cutting-edge science is just now coming round to the conclusions held through yogic science for millennia, to a proof of our Universe that is going to take our working out to a entire new degree, and that’s that each the substance and the intention of the Universe come from a deeper fact than the fabric one we normally understand with our minds and senses.And that reality is consciousness. An all-pervading, blissful consciousness, inherent in all people and the whole lot. Simply as your possess awareness is the essence of your possess intellect, cosmic recognition is the essence of the complete Universe. It exists inside the whole lot, and the whole lot exists inside it. Practically, everybody and everything is a part of and stuffed with realization. Imagine that. Nevertheless, we,for reasons I won’t go into now, have generally given up on the concept of a greater cognizance in our trendy world view. Within the last one hundred years or so, present day science has come to a very mechanistic take on fact. What if although intellect, topic, and house have been all filled with realization? What if the possibility of consciousness as a better reality were every bit as actual as any of our present constructs of truth? And what if it might provide us, if most effective we had been open to it, some very real advantages in figuring out our world and where we match into it, when compared to some very serious negative aspects of a materialist world view? In a materialist world view of an arbitrary, mechanistic, unfeeling Universe, there may be every reason to suppose alienated, lonely, nervous, and depressed.And if we don’t believe it ourselves, we all too by and large see it in others, and in the malaise of our society. Materialism would not engender optimism in men and women or society. Alternatively, in a blissfully aware Universe, there may be each intent to suppose inherently linked to people and to the sector, to suppose loved, hopeful, completely happy, and at peace with oneself and others. In the words of my guru Shrii Shrii Anandamurti, "you’re under no circumstances by myself or helpless. The drive that courses the celebrities courses you, too." So as a substitute than trying to validate a worldview which makes us unhappy and frightened of the longer term, I consider, we will have to be seeking to validate a worldview which offers us fulfillment and hope for the long run, not simply as members however as a society. The advantages of a conscious world view are titanic. And it’s potentially no much less valid than any of our constructs of fabric fact. This isn’t just wishful thinking. Correctly, the essence of the Universe is consciousness is solely as legitimate a premise as the essence of the Universe is topic. The only change is that one will also be sensed and the other are not able to.We are able to understand subject with our minds and with scientific dimension, but we are able to handiest expertise consciousness internally. We have got to find it inside ourselves. There used to be once a Sufi mystic referred to as Nasr Utem. I virtually stayed in his native land in Turkey for a few days once. And there are various experiences about how he used to instruct in eccentric and humorous methods. Probably the most experiences goes that he misplaced the important thing to his house, and that he was looking for it one night outside below a streetlamp. A passerby asked him, what he used to be doing. "i’m watching for the key to my apartment." "where did you lose it?", she asked. "someplace inside my condo." Then naturally she said: "good, when you misplaced within your condo, why are you watching for it external?" "for the reason that it is dark inside of," he responded. (Laughter) We must look for what we’re looking for in the proper situation. Even supposing it can be tough to appear for it there. It’s effortless to seem outside, not so effortless to look inside. In step with yoga teachings, cognizance lies within, and so we have got to look for it there.However this is the capture, now not intellectually. It’s now not anything we can recognize with the intellect. Take the case of a mild bulb, for instance. A light bulb is competent of shining light on the room around it but now not on the vigour which illuminates it. In the identical manner, we’re in a position of comprehending the arena around us but now not the attention which animates us. It’s past the traditional functioning of the mind, beyond words, past even proposal itself. The core of our being isn’t whatever that may even be spoken about let alone notion of. I believe, we’re all familiar with the announcing by Descartes, "I think, therefore i’m." however that is what yogic philosophy says, "after I stop pondering then I really am." (Laughter) just considering that we can not think of anything, just for the reason that we cannot show whatever scientifically, doesn’t mean it is now not there.We can’t prove a mother’s love for her little one but that doesn’t mean it is no longer there. It’s a matter of the center, and matters of the heart can not be fathomed through the intellect. So fabric science can by no means get to the center of what it fairly means to be human. We can simplest validate the essence of our existence by means of the deepest inner expertise of recognition within us. About now, you probably pondering that that is all just a little ethereal-fairy and New Age. Even i am beginning to believe to myself. (Laughter) So I need to give you just a few brief examples of scientists which have additionally stated the possibility of attention as a greater fact.There don’t seem to be lots of them. However people who there are, are relatively unique. I is not going to spend an excessive amount of time on this, in fact i’m going to to take a look at to conclude before I . (Laughter) Max Planck, the father of quantum thought, regarded realization as major. "I regard matter as by-product from cognizance. We can’t get behind cognizance. The whole thing that we speak about, the whole lot that we regard as existing postulates realization," this from the pioneer of quantum concept. A bit later, the physicist James jeans wrote: "The flow of advantage is heading towards a non-mechanical fact. The Universe starts to appear more like a first-rate proposal than like a high-quality laptop." and i higher throw in something from Einstein right here simply to provide it a bit more umph.(Laughter) "probably the most attractive and profound emotion we will experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is at the root of all proper science. That deeply emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning vigour which is printed in the incomprehensible Universe is my concept of God." subsequently, I need to provide you with an illustration of a trendy scientist who surely experienced bigger cognizance first hand. Dr. Eben Alexander is a neuroscientist who had like a lot of his colleagues purchased into the thought that the mind creates its own cognizance.Then, rather paradoxically, he shrunk a very infrequent mind contamination which put him in a coma for per week during which he skilled the heightened and enlightened state of cognizance, however that he was clinically mind useless on the time. He mentioned: "throughout my seven days of coma, I now not handiest remained utterly mindful however journeyed to a lovely world of magnificence and peace and unconditional love. I underwent essentially the most marvelous expertise of my existence, my recognition journeying to an additional stage." Dr. Alexander is now on a mission to convince the brain science neighborhood to, as he places it, "graduate from kindergarten" and transfer on from the inspiration that the mind creates its possess reality. Now, fortunately for you and i, apart from examples similar to these, there simply so happens to be a systematic and scientific procedure of validating consciousness personally in our every day lives. I feel you is not going to be surprised to hear me say that that’s going to be meditation.Meditation is intuitional science where awareness is substantiated by merely first-hand inner experience. Via meditation, it can be completely possible to expertise bigger recognition as every bit as real as you and that i sitting in this room correct now. After I had a chiefly illuminating meditation expertise where I felt the entire room used to be filled with a subject of realization vibrating with consciousness and with bliss. It used to be so extreme, so tangible. The sensation I had at the time that I could cut it with a knife. It was once undeniably actual then and that i still have no doubt about it to at the moment. By way of meditation, one has many such experiences that finally result in the awareness of one’s realization. Why do not we go forward right now and check out to experience better awareness by way of meditation? Shall we supply it a are trying? It might not have happened to you while you aroused from sleep this morning that you just’d be meditating at present, however there you go, something is feasible. So I invite you to the close your eyes for a minute or so.Take into account to breathe, and try now not to fall asleep, i do know, it has been a protracted day. And start off by the centering your self. Center of attention for your experience of self. Consider the center of your self. (tune begins playing) Now feel that you are totally at peace. Consider peace and happiness all around you. Feel endless happiness all around you. Now believe that you’re merging into that infinite happiness. Think that your own feel of cognizance is merging into the countless recognition around you. Think that your possess awareness is merging into the limitless realization all around you. Suppose yourself fitting one with it. Feel that you are one with it. Suppose that you’re it, and proceed like that for just a few extra seconds. Now, would not that think better? Dada Gunamuktananda: yes? No? (audience) yes. Anyway, you would have gotten a glimpse simply now into the probability that your possess cognizance is one with the realization of the whole Universe. That it is within you as good as throughout you. That it is real, and that you would be able to feel it, if you quite are trying.And not handiest consider it but know it is on the core of your being. This is not just an summary thought, it is about the essence of us all. It can be about discovering the greater awareness within our own awareness, realizing our own internal reality is the higher universal fact. And the extra we increase our experience of fact, our sense of being, the more related we believe to all beings. The happier we are, the less apprehensive, the much less lonely when you consider that we recognize that every one is part of us, and that we’re a part of all.The inner quest facilitates the embracing of all within ourselves, everybody, animals, vegetation… The planet. Folks, animals, and plants on other planets – sure, it’s a no brainer- the whole Universe. What i love to assert is that simply as the world turns into a smaller position with the progress of conversation and transport technological know-how, so will the Universe emerge as a smaller situation with the progress of meditation technology. Thank you. (Applause) .

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Navigation Wars: Google Maps vs Waze vs Apple Maps The dawn of the smartphone age had us cheering for GPS chips and easy, on-the-go navigation. No longer were we beholden to sites like MapQuest (which still exists as a mobile app, by the way) and printing out directions. Instead, we could open up our maps app, input a destination, and receive live, turn-by-turn directions. It was like having a pocket-sized Marco Polo, Christopher Columbus, or Ferdinand Magellan as your permanent wingman. It was surely also a death blow to paper maps — but it didn’t stop there. Once we could navigate with our smartphones, the question became: “which software does it better?” Obviously, Google Maps is the best-known map app — it’s basically synonymous with mobile navigation. In fact, Google Maps was originally the iPhone’s default, preinstalled navigation software, until Apple launched its own Apple Maps. An app called Waze emerged as a third-party alternative, developing quite a following before Google bought it. We at Android Authority decided it was time to settle this once and for all. We’ve analyzed of all three apps, identifying their weaknesses and breaking down their unique strengths. Welcome to the Navigation Wars: Waze vs Google Maps vs Apple Maps. Who will reign supreme? Waze vs Google Maps vs Apple Maps — Google Maps One might expect Google Maps to take the gold. It’s Google, after all. The company has put incomprehensible amounts of money and resources into mapping the world. Beyond simply mapping the streets, the search giant sent out a fleet of Street View cars — which, according to a report from a few years ago, have collectively driven an estimated seven million miles — to take 360-degree photos along 99 percent of all public roads in the U.S. Users get to actually preview their route from a first-person perspective. Google is continuously repeating and perfecting this process in countries all over the world. Google Maps can give you directions on your next Florida vacation, but also when you finally take that trip to Greece. More recently, Google started providing detailed 3D imaging in lots of highly-populated and tourist-heavy areas. So in addition to getting a first-person street view of your route, you can zoom out to see a computer-rendered model of the surrounding area for contextual information such as the shapes and sizes of buildings. Algorithms built into Google Maps can even account for things like traffic jams. Basically, the software monitors user location and movement to see how they move through certain areas and compares that to historical data, so Google Maps can put out a traffic alert when drivers start to slow down. It may sound simple, but making it all work requires some finesse. Google has invested into complex software that provides detailed 3D imaging in lots of highly-populated and tourist-heavy areas. When you open Google Apps, you get a very clean interface. At the top, you’re invited to either search for your destination — obviously employing Google’s popular search engine — or input an address. Whether you’ve selected a destination, the map shows you the destination on the map, as well as reviews (if it’s a business), the amount of time it would take you to travel there, an option to learn more about the destination, and a big blue button that says “DIRECTIONS,” which will begin plotting your route. It will typically give you the choice of a few routes, depending on how many different ways there are to get to your destination. Arguably the biggest selling feature of those standalone GPS units we used to buy for our vehicles was spoken turn-by-turn directions. Google Maps rolled out turn-by-turn directions a couple years back and currently offers three options: spoken directions for each step of your route, no spoken directions, or an alert mode, which means Google Apps will only speak to you about things like travel alerts and missed turns. Google Maps allows you to program multiple stops into a trip or conduct a search for an additional stop while still en route. In operation, Google Maps maintains its clean UI. Your location is denoted by an arrow points in the direction you’re facing. From what I can tell, the app uses the direction in which you were last moving to determine the direction to point the arrow since the arrow will change direction if you begin to reverse. On occasion, though, the app seems to get confused about which direction you’re facing. This tends to happen when you’re sitting still for a few minutes (like at a stoplight), or if you initiate a trip while you’re sitting still, at which time the app may think you’re diverting from the route and begin needlessly amending it. If I start a trip while sitting at a stoplight, for instance, the app can’t seem to remember the direction in which I had just been traveling and may tell me I need to turn around when I’m actually facing the right way. These hiccups are easy to deal with and won’t cause any catastrophes, but it’s worth making note of them. Some Google Maps features are particularly useful. You can program multiple stops into a trip or search for an additional stop while still en route. The options menu offers toggles for different map views, including satellite (replaces the standard map appearance with satellite images), terrain (overlays a topographical map over the existing roadmap), and traffic (adds color-coded traffic details to all roads instead of just the ones you’re traveling). Even something as simple as being able to choose different modes of travel — car, bus or public transit, walking, and biking — is a thoughtful addition that really expands your options with Google Maps. On top of directions, Google Maps contains tons of useful information about nearby businesses, restaurants, and points of interest, with plenty of filters to find what you're looking for. Due to the bevy of information Google Maps contains, it has a few added functions. One of my favorites is using it to find restaurants. When you open Google Maps, open the menu bar on the lefthand side and select “Explore.” This will open a directory of restaurants and other venues nearby. Along the top, you have a toggle with which you can filter the results by meal (options are Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner), find a place where you can get your next caffeine fix (Coffee), or plan for your evening social hour (Drinks). Naturally, Google is always rolling out new features and improvements. It’s gained some pretty robust offline functionality, asking you for your permission to download a chunk of the map (your general vicinity) or to save trips to local storage so you can pull them up without a data connection. Essentially, it makes Google Maps useful even when you don’t have an internet connection. If you are using Google Maps with Android 8.0 Oreo or higher, you can use the picture-in-picture mode. You can see a small window that shows Google Maps working on the main app page. You can see the map, a turn indicator, which road you are currently traveling on, and an ETA for your destination. Google Maps recently added a way to search for reviews of stores, restaurants, hotels and other places from within the app. There’s also a new tab labeled “For You” which offers recommendations of places and businesses in your immediate area, especially brand new or “trending” ones, based on Google’s data. A number of voice commands also work with Google Maps to do things like mute or unmute the voice guidance, inquire about your next turn, avoid highways or tolls, and find a gas station. It may sound like Google already has it in the bag, but keep reading to find out if that’s really the case. (Insert devilish grin here.) Waze vs Google Maps vs Apple Maps — Waze As someone who appreciates and uses both Android and iOS devices, I’m pretty familiar with both Apple and Google’s navigation apps. Aside from a handful of times over the past few years, though, I’d never really used Waze much. Before I started writing this article, I took a good 10 days or so to familiarize myself with Waze. Did you know that Google has owned Waze since 2013? If we’re splitting hairs, Waze is technically owned by Google’s parent company, Alphabet. It allegedly operates mostly independently from Google, but there has definitely been some crossing of the streams. The acquisition of Waze brought traffic alerts to Google Maps later that year. Waze has incorporated some of Google’s data too, including Street View. You wouldn’t know Waze was owned by Google by looking at it — it has a completely different aesthetic. Personally, Waze’s cartoonish appearance reminds me of emojis. Everything looks very bubbly, but Waze manages to maintain minimalist elements, which keeps it from being too much. But the differences between Google Maps and Waze are more than skin deep. When you open the app, you’re prompted to login or create an account, both of which are done by either connecting your Facebook account or using your mobile phone number. Once you make it to the main screen, the map includes a notification to let you know how many “Wazers” are in your proximity. Right off the bat, there’s an inherently social element to Waze throughout much of the user experience. Unlike other navigation apps, Waze suggests logging in to make the most of its social features. While Google Maps is sparse and almost utilitarian, Waze feels a little more dressed-up, with more bells and whistles. You can connect Waze to your Spotify accoun to manage your music directly from the Waze app by adding a bar along the top of the screen to select from your playlists and preferred stations. You can report traffic, car accidents, speed traps, road closures, and other such things to your fellow Wazers. This function plays a significant role in Waze’s ability to keep users abreast of their local traffic conditions. Waze almost goes overboard on extra features, ranging from Spotify integration, to petrol station prices, and a huge range of novelty turn-by-turn navigation voices. You can do things like manage your account details (set a profile picture, view your friends list, read your messages), as well as manage your favorite places and check your planned drives in the main menu. The planned drive feature is really interesting. In essence, you set a destination for a future date, so when the time comes you can start navigating there with just one or two clicks. It’s really easy, too; when you search for a destination, you can either click “Go” or “Later” to choose the date and time for your trip. Alternately, it can glean information from your Facebook calendar, scheduling trips to specific destinations based on the events you’re attending. If that’s not impressive enough, Waze adjusts how long the trip will take based on traffic at different times of day, so a 15 minute trip in the morning may take 30 minutes during rush hour. Waze is even courteous enough to remind you when it’s time to leave so that you’ll arrive on time. In addition to being able to either schedule or initiate a trip to that destination, Waze can guide you to the closest parking lot to your destination. I your destination happens to be a mall or retail outlet, it’ll give you the option to set your destination as the closest parking lot or allow you to choose from other parking options nearby. I didn’t really get to take advantage of this feature, but I can see it really being a godsend in an unfamiliar place. If you like customization options, Waze offers a bunch of different voices for turn-by-turn instructions. Many of the most populated countries get at least two options, but English-speakers have a plethora of options. Each voice is given its own name, like Jane, Nathan, or Boy Band for Americans, and Kate, Thomas, or Simon for those in the U.K. In the past, Waze even offered celebrity voices, including Morgan Freeman and more recently Liam Neeson. Waze relies on data collected and posted by its real-time users and has a much more inherently social feel than your standard map app. As you get deeper and deeper into Waze, you find all these nifty little surprises. In the settings menu, you can go into “Gas stations & prices” to choose your preferred gas station chain (if you happen to have one). You can also set the speedometer to only show up if you happen to go over the speed limit. With a toggle, you can control whether or not you see nearby Wazers on your friends list. There’s a whole host of map display options you can toggle, including speed cameras, other Wazers, road hazards, and more. A few months ago, Waze got a big update adding hands-free navigation, using just your voice. The feature, called simply Talk to Waze, can be turned on by heading into Settings > Sound & voice > Talk to Waze > Toggle Listen for “OK Waze.” Then just say “Ok Waze” to initiate a drive, get a preview of the route ahead, send reports, or add a pit stop without touching your phone. Other recently added features include adding routes optimized for motorcycles. There’s also a new HOV lane feature for carpooling drivers, or those with a special pass or in an electric, hybrid, or clean-fuel car. If you are driving such a car, and there are HOV lanes available on your route, Waze will show you additional navigation options and arrival times. Another recent update improved the ETA feature, allowing users to get an estimated traffic forecast for your route. Waze may sound bloated with needless features, but most of them are tucked out of the way and accessible only from the menus. None of Waze’s additional features feel imposing or like they’re coming between you and the purpose of the app, which is to get directions from one place to another. There are tons of bells and whistles available if you want to use them. As mentioned previously, there’s something inherently social about using Waze, an interesting but not totally surprising concept in 2018. Overall, my experience using Waze was extremely pleasant. Despite having so much going on, the app is very snappy and responsive, although I may not have used it long enough to encounter the hiccups that surely come up from time to time. Waze vs Google Maps vs Apple Maps — Apple Maps Prior to iOS 6, Apple smartphones had Google Maps preinstalled as the default navigation app. In hindsight, Apple creating its own alternative to Google’s popular trip-mapping app was inevitable, if for no other reason than to boot the competition’s software off the iPhone. As usually happens with newborn software, Apple Maps was plagued with bugs and map inaccuracies for the first couple years. It’s gotten a lot better since then. I’m a lover of both Apple and Android, so I’m nearly as familiar with Apple Maps as Google Maps (although having access to the latter with any desktop browser basically ensures some disparity between the two). In certain ways, I may even like Apple Maps best of all. Compared to both Google Maps and Waze, Apple Maps has arguably the most pleasing look and has exemplary integrations with other iOS apps. After that rough first year, Apple invested lots of time and energy (and money) into improving Maps, and it shows. Compared to both Google Maps and Waze, Apple Maps has arguably the most pleasing look. Of course, appearance is subjective, but there’s something very polished and contemporary about Apple Maps, particularly since its slight redesign earlier this year. It manages to achieve a modern feel without looking sparse like Google Maps or borderline-cartoonish like Waze. It’s elegant, and very Apple. Perhaps taking a cue from Google Maps, Apple Maps has much better integrations with other iOS apps. Sprinkled throughout Apple Maps, you’ll find suggestions for scheduling and upcoming events for which you may need to travel. It’s reminiscent of how clicking addresses will take you into Google Maps from Gmail or Inbox or Google’s numerous other services. However, Apple Maps integrations extend even outside the Apple apps family, including things like OpenTable for making restaurant reservations, ride-sharing apps, and, of course, Apple Pay to pay for it all. Similar to Google’s app, Apple Maps has a very clean and straightforward interface. Opening Apple Maps brings up the map with an overlap toward the bottom, giving you a place to input an address or search for a destination. It also offers suggestions and the ability to click a single button to begin navigating home. If you were already home, it may offer you navigation to your workplace or a destination pertaining to an upcoming event in your calendar. It sounds like a lot, and while everything is big and readable, it’s also not totally in the way. One of the updates to Apple Maps brought something called “Flyover Mode,” a Google Earth-esque feature into the mix. In essence, it creates a 3D render of the map, allowing you to essentially fly over it like you’re in a helicopter. The feature itself isn’t especially groundbreaking, but it’s fun and certainly a welcome feature. Anything not already visible in the app is usually accessible with an upward or downward swipe, appearing neatly and organized on overlaying cards. You can swipe upward on an upcoming trip to view alternate route options. It’s a nice feature to have if, for instance, you happen to see that there’s traffic on your would-be route. And yes, the app can give you that traffic information, too. Apple has tried to make Maps as informative as possible and, in doing so, includes some really thoughtful details. If you click on a landmark, it usually brings up a card showing a picture, offering you directions, reviews (via Yelp, of course), and a link to Wikipedia to learn more about it. As well, if you zoom into a part of the map sufficiently far away from your actual location, it’ll show you that location’s local weather in the bottom-righthand corner. Apple Maps is focused on providing navigation. By comparison, Google is much more focused on places, which means that it’s able to provide both navigation as well as allowing you to simply use Google Maps like tourists would use paper maps as they explored their surroundings. When it comes to the actual map, though, there’s both good and bad news. The bad news is that Apple Maps just isn’t as robust as Google Maps (or Waze, for that matter, since it incorporates Google data). If you zoom into the same section of a large city on both Google and Apple Maps, Google’s map contains more accurate data, particularly when it comes to the names and locations of businesses. In fact, someone decided to track changes to both maps over a year and found that for any given section of the map, Apple Maps averaged fewer businesses than Google. However, as long as you search for and bring up the address of the business, Apple Maps can get you there — even if the business isn’t on the map. That brings us to another key difference between Google and Apple Maps. Clearly, Apple Maps is focused on providing navigation, and that’s a good thing since navigation is the point of these apps. By comparison, Google is much more focused on places — it’s able to provide navigation while allowing you to simply use Google Maps like a tourist would a paper map as they explore their surroundings. Again, Google simply has more data with which to build a map containing. It’s almost an unfair comparison, but it’s a difference that’s worth mentioning. It seems that Apple Maps is mostly reliant on map information licensed from TomTom and from acquiring a handful of smaller companies over the years. Some of those companies are WifiSlam for interior maps, HopStop and Embark for public transportation, Locationary for improving mapping abilities, and BroadMap for managing and analyzing map data. TechCrunch This is all expected to change soon. Apple’s SVP Eddy Cue recently told TechCrunch the company is working a major revamp of the Maps app and service, and will use first-party data collected from iPhone owners. It will start slowly with the upcoming iOS 12, beginning with Apple’s Northern California area this fall. The plan is to phase out the use of third parties for map data entirely, but its not clear exactly how long that transition will take. TechCrunch also reports that, like Google Maps, Apple has been collecting street level map images and date via its own fleet of Apple Maps vans. Among other things, there is hardware and software inside the vans that allows them to map the world around that vehicle in full 3D. That date, combined with high-resolution images taken via orbiting satellites, should give future Apple Maps users full 3D navigation of streets, complete with high-res textures. Apple Maps has come a really long way since the early days, when Tim Cook actually apologized for how “difficult” the Google Maps replacement was. In fact, it’s become quite serviceable in its own right. Some of its biggest strengths include its very attractive design language, and very intuitive UI. But is that enough? Waze vs Google Maps vs Apple Maps — And the winner is… So who wins in the Waze vs Google Maps vs Apple Maps war? That honor goes to Google Maps. Now let me explain why. Obviously, I don’t speak for everyone. A lot of people will be on Team Waze or Apple Maps. I chose Google Maps as the winner of the navigation wars because I feel like Google Maps is the navigation app that can meet the most users’ needs. Google’s put a lot of work into improving and fine-tuning Google Maps. I think we can safely say that no other navigation app has more than 20 petabytes of map data, obtained by having a fleet of cars physically drive more than 99 percent of all public American roads. Plus, Google Maps has the power of the Google search engine behind it. As I said before, that’s hard for anyone to compete with. No other navigation app has more than 20 petabytes of map data that was obtained by having a fleet of cars physically drive more than 99 percent of all public American roads. Google Maps is a great example of how the evolution and growth of technology can change our lives — it’s for far more than just navigation. In large part, Google Maps is a place-oriented navigation map, and it’s become a catalyst for exploration of new places. Rather than solely giving us driving directions, we can use Google Maps for learning and discovery, and that’s pretty damn cool. Waze and Apple Maps are not bad navigation apps. Waze definitely has more features to offer, some of which could actually be quite useful, though I doubt many would find them necessary or vital to their use of Waze. Just because an app has the most bells and whistles doesn’t mean it’s right for most people. If I were giving a “Most Improved” award, or perhaps a “Best Dressed” award, it would probably go to Apple Maps. Due to the improvements it’s made, many iOS users don’t feel the need to immediately download Google Maps or Waze from the App Store, and that certainly says something. At the same time, even considering how you can access Apple Maps via the desktop app for MacOS, it’s difficult to recommend it over Google Maps (or even Waze) for all but a very limited number of uses. However, as we stated earlier, Apple is working on even more improvements that should allow it to compete better with Google Maps and Waze. All but Apple Maps are available for both Android and iOS devices. At least for the time being, Apple Maps is only available for Apple devices. Now I’d like to hear from you. Which map app do you use? Why do you use it? Sound off in the comments below! , via Android Authority http://bit.ly/2L4aGhE

[liberallifeblog]

Exercise Motivation, The Weird Way

image: flikr

Do you look forward to a strenuous workout? If so, congratulations! But the rest of what follows may seem like incomprehensible gibberish to you. If you don't need to twist your brain into pretzel-like configurations in order to motivate yourself to exercise: you are free to resume websurfing. Enjoy a few more videos of rhinos cuddling with meekrats, or watch with terrified fascination as the next Trumpian plans for the apocalypse are announced. Google up a tasty gluten-free avocado brownie recipe! Or hell, go out and run a marathon and follow it up with a nice little nap. There all sorts of healthy ways to motivate to exercise! I've talked a lot about exercise motivation and demotivation and remotivation over the years, and will doubtlessly yammer on for years to come. I have all kinds of healthy motivational tricks that I'm not embarrassed to share, and these are a large part of my aresenal. But there is also a seamy back-alley of exercise will-power, and I have some other secrets you don't see mentioned in respectable publications. Yet for some of us, these are a real help in keeping us consistent throughout the years, yielding the numerous physical and emotional benefits that sedentary people do not get to enjoy. Just what the heck am I talking about? But first, a little more about what I'm up against. Anyone else? Doing Battle With Natural Reluctance and Sloth Here's the problem: I have a highly evolved human brain. It knows vigorous exercise is good for me. But still: I don't wanna. The prospect of changing into a special outfit, removing myself from my comfortable house, transporting myself to some inconvenient location in order to lift heavy things over and over, or flail around until my heart pounds and my legs weaken and I can barely breathe, and to end up all sweaty so I need to shower and change again? I'm like: Fuck this, do I have to? Really? And yet it's weird: most of the time when I go, I don't hate it all that much, and in fact, I often even enjoy my workout for many minutes at a time! So what gives? Why can't my logical brain put these two facts together, conclude that reluctance is a shitty predictor of future reality, and skip all the melodrama? Apparently there's a stubborn, archaic part of my brain that is still trying to "protect" me from the possible unpleasantness of physical exertion.

Get Back on That Couch, Crabby!

image: wikimedia

Yep, I think it's my inner cavewoman. She can't help it though, she's wired that way. Sure, she would motivate me very efficiently if I were starving and needed to climb a tree for fruit or catch a rabbit, or alternatively, to flee from something with fangs and claws contemplating me for dinner. But she seems to believe that I need to conserve my energy for these rare circumstances, and should rest up whenever I can, and hang on tenaciously to my precious fat stores in case famine is looming. In particular, she wants me to stay the hell out of the gym. "You're going to be miserable, Crabby," cavewoman warns, as she spies my workout clothing coming out of the drawer. She pumps out a huge dose of fear-and-loathing chemicals for good measure. "Don't do it, you'll be sorry!" "Shut the hell up, you ignorant unevolved hominin" my modern brain says,  "it's not going to be that bad!" And yet, deep within my twisted psyche, I believe her. If it were just the two of us, cavewoman would win every time. But instead.. It's Inner Neurotic to the Rescue!

image wikimedia commons

So what skills does this maladjusted motivational hero bring to the fight? Illogical Reasoning! My inner neurotic is completely looney tunes when it comes to cause and effect. It over-generalizes, catastrophizes, makes unjustified leaps.  "You MUST WORK OUT today Crabby, or you will immediately lose all your muscle tone, gain 100 lbs, become a lazy unmotivated loser, and your life will spiral downhill in such a shocking way you may wake up tomorrow morning in a trash dumpster with the smell of Cheetos and Thunderbird on your breath." OK, so maybe some of these visualizations are unconscious. But I'm pretty sure they're in there, or else why would the "shoulds" and "musts" be so amazingly effective? There are all kinds of other "shoulds" I ignore with no problem! Obsessive Overthinking! My neurotic brain loves to plan, scheme, analyze, invent, hypothesize, experiment, tinker, refine, and of course narrate and opine and explain things to imaginary audiences. So a simple question like: what might be the optimum way to exercise today? I can keep my brain circuits firing for hours on that, before, during, and after the actual athletic endeavor. (Just yesterday I developed a whole new running-in-the-park interval and functional fitness routine, specific to a particular section of Balboa Park. Which is interesting timing considering we are moving, leaving town tomorrow, and that was probably my last Balboa Park workout for the foreseeable future.) Is it healthy to devote so much mental energy to something so trivial? No! But it adds a whole level of entertaining intellectual engagement that I believe may help keep me coming back for more exercise year after year, despite what cavewoman has to say about it. Narcissism! When I'm in really good shape, I believe I look "better," according to the arbitrary aesthetics our superficial screwed up society currently endorses. I do know, intellectually, how stupid and shallow this source of motivation is.  And yet I'd be lying if I said it doesn't help me get my ass out the door and onto an elliptical machine. Procrastination! I don't look forward to exercise but there are always chores and tasks and decisions that cause me more angst than working out does. Exercise is concrete, physical, and time-limited, and if I have some other obligation I'm avoiding, strapping on a heart rate monitor and filling up that water bottle start to seem a lot more appealing. Guilt and Self-Flagellation! To exercise or not is a lifestyle choice, not a moral dilemma. I am not a "better" person if I work out, or a "bad" person if I do something else instead.  My brain gets confused about this though.  (Again, with plenty of help from a superficial society). The idea that I can somehow "buy" virtue by lifting a few weights or logging a few miles is preposterous. And yet I suspect this delusion helps me crank out a few more reps when I might otherwise quit. Important Cautionary Note:  Beware Truly Self-Destructive Exercise Habits I am blessed with a natural slothfulness that keeps me from every taking these neurotic tendencies too far. So I feel I can make light of them. There is still debate among experts as to whether exercise addiction is truly a thing, in the sense of being a recognized psychopathology. But we've all seen people who are truly compulsive about their exercise behavior, and who have lost the ability to make rational decisions about when to exercise and when to stop. It often seems to accompany disordered eating behaviors such as anorexia and bulimia. Exercising to the point where you endanger your health is no joke. If you are getting feedback from those around you that have an issue, don't dismiss it out of hand. You don't have to take their word for it, but consider getting some professional, objective input about your behavior and its impact on your health. OK, enough of the serious responsible shit. Anyone else use ridiculous methods to motivate yourself sometimes, or are you guys all healthy and normal about getting exercise? Exercise Motivation, The Weird Way posted first on http://ift.tt/2kDxLY4

[wordsdrip]

Every night before bed since it was given to me for Christmas by Emily Rubio two years ago, I turn off the night light next to my bathroom sink and turn to the left. The bathroom in my childhood home faces east, and the sink in my first year college dorm faces west. When I was seventeen I would turn to face the west, and now I turn to face the east. I don't think that means anything, really. It's just something I do. But it is one of the greatest comforts in my life. It's just a dumb agate face attached to a light bulb. Emily bought it at Urban Outfitters. I know because I see them every time I go to Urban Outfitters. But it matters so much to me. For a really long time I thought that nothing mattered if it wasn't for a reason. It's like you're sitting in your right grade algebra class, and you're asking your teacher if she thinks you're ever going to use this in your life, and you just can't wait until school is about things that are useful to existence. Flash forward five years and you're taking a class about film noir. You're sitting in this classroom and the guy next to you smells like cheap metal and you realize that you don't actually know anyone who was an adult when Double Indemnity was released. That when you have kids, this entire movement in film is going to be completely irrelevant to everything they care about. But for some reason, this isn't middle school math class anymore. Because you're starting to understand that things can matter on their own. I met Jenna Cox at my house a little over a year ago. This is how I know her: I was born, and my grandmother was an educator. She asked my parents to send me to a Montessori school. They did. The owner of that school became friends with my mother and employed her. I became friends with her sons. Her two eldest sons went to Pompano Beach High School. Otherwise, my parents would have considered sending me to some private school, but they knew these people sent their kids to a public school, so I went there. On my first day of high school, I had nobody to sit with at lunch. But Sydney Van Dreason recognized me from freshman orientation and invited me to sit with her. We became friends. In March of my freshman year, Sydney invited me to her house for her birthday. I met a girl named Amanda Wacker on that day. We started a strange, beautiful friendship and two years later, we fell in love. Amanda went to high school with a girl named Jenna, and I begged her to introduce us. Jenna showed up at my holiday party in December 2015. If you wanted to, you could say that I was always moving towards this. Towards this one meeting of this one person who has filled my life with so much light. But that would be unfair. Because then you'd neglect the unbelievable, unconditional love my paternal grandmother had for me for the two years she got to spend raising me. You'd neglect my parents' care in respecting her wishes and caring about the quality of my education. You'd neglect my mother's relationship with Mary, nearly 25 trips to Disney with the Byrds, nine years of my education and growth as a person, the choice in my high school, my relationship with Sydney. You'd neglect my first romantic relationship entirely. You'd neglect every single event related to and transpiring from what led me to meeting Jenna. Jenna is a gift; there's no doubt about it. But these other things are as well. We can't measure them in what they led to, because it's not fair. They're all beautiful and distinct and important to me because they make me feel something. So when I was sixteen and seventeen and eighteen, I would turn that light off every night before bed, waiting for what would matter. The truth is, I can't be certain that anything does matter beyond the world that I know. Other people may believe it and wish that I did too, but I'll never believe that until I feel it for certain. But I look at that light shining across the room, and somehow, I feel okay. Nothing is different. I'm still me. My problems are still my problems. My fears are still my fears. But my nightlight is warm and beautiful. And it makes me feel a little less afraid. I spent the day with my uncle today. He's getting older. He's getting more forgetful and awkward. A little senile, even. It's a little hard to stay patient with someone who refuses to own a cell phone, who carries physical maps with him in his car and insists that we use them. But he was here with me today, and we had a lovely time together in a beautiful park. I asked him what he, without a doubt, believed in. When I'm asking myself about why I continue to live, I often think about something he says when he is asked how he is. "I'm all right! I'm on the right side of the dirt!" I think about that a lot. How does he know that this side is the right side? How does anyone? Because nobody who is alive has ever died. Maybe it's better to die. I don't mean to be so dark, I just don't see how we can have a definitive answer on that. And if death is inevitable anyway, then why should we look towards death as such a horrible thing? Why does this have to make me more afraid of something that is naturally terrifying? So when I asked him what he believed him, I was ready for something of this caliber. His answer was this: "Life is good, and it is better than the alternative." I immediately recalled the phrase in the back of my mind, and I challenged his statement. "All right, but how do you know that life is better than death?" He grinned. "I didn't say anything about death, I just said the alternative." It dawned on me. He meant existence. Life and death are not opposites, they are just different phases in the course of the life cycle. But existing, that's different. You either do or you don't. Death implies that you once lived. Nonexistence is completely dissociated from life. I pondered his statement. With the way my brain works, it is sometimes very difficult to believe that life is good. It is also very difficult to believe that I am better off than if I had never existed. But he was right. Because when my brain works the right way, I really like life. Even on my sad days, life is beautiful when you're not depressed. And when you are depressed, you get moments with night lights and hours sitting in the rain on the beach and you feel these incomprehensible feelings that you'd never feel if you weren't alive, and the power of it all leaks into your imbalanced brain just enough to remind you to keep living in order to enjoy this finite thing that you do not deserve. Right now I'm in a very good place. I know it will change. But I think I believe him today. I believe that life is good because it gives me the chance to experience so many moments that I feel so unworthy of. I believe that when I'm creating a scene with my long form group, it matters because we're having a good time. We're connecting and growing and learning and maybe the way we grow and the things we learn will shape us as improvisers but we can't deny that what we are making in that moment only functions for the future. I believe that when Mackenzie walks into a scene with an invisible cigarette between her forefinger and middle finger, that nothing could be purer. That I'm looking at one of the most beautiful things in the world and that it doesn't need to belong to anything else in order for it to count. I believe that I fell in love with Rachael and her dumb smile the other night, in the way her cheeks get pink when she's a little drunk and how she's so much more affectionate towards me when she's tipsy and the way it felt to tug on her jacket to get her attention or to hold her cup to stop her from drinking so much. I believe that it was beautiful and important, even if the "falling in love" only lasted in that moment. I believe in you, Vi. In the way you show me new favorite songs when we're in my car, in the way we rock back and forth on seesaws, in how we always pick up right where we left off. It's okay that some things hurt because sometimes pain is just a side effect of beauty. It hurts me to know that someday I'm going to die, that one day I'll have to speak at my uncle's funeral, that I've lost all the things I've lost, that maybe this girl won't ever like me in the way I want her to. But it's beautiful to know that life is that good that I would miss having one, that I love my uncle so much that I would one day stand at a podium and fight through the ugliest tears to tell the world what a lovely person he is, that I got to love once and that I have the memories of who that person was when we were each other's, that I can find someone so exquisite that I cannot help but smile thinking about them. I believe that life is good. And now it's time to turn off my night light, and turn to the left. Goodnight, Vi ❤️

[ricardosousalemos]

Nine Inch Nails: The Fragile (2017 Definitive Edition) / The Fragile: Deviations 1

When Trent Reznor debuted The Fragile, the followup to his star-making The Downward Spiral some five years after that record’s release, comparisons to Pink Floyd’s go-to double album The Wall abounded. For one thing, Reznor tapped that record’s producer, Bob Ezrin, to help sequence from the chaotic collection of tracks he’d assembled. For another, both records were released at the turn of their respective decades, and could be seen as summary statements for much of the music of the ten years that preceded them. 

But the most direct point of comparison is the sheer scale of both recordings. No, not their length, but their height, if you will. Years of overfamiliarity might have dulled our appreciation for just how goddamn towering they both sound. The Wall’s two versions of its anthemic introductory track “In the Flesh” and David Gilmour’s soaring solo on “Comfortably Numb” all but demand you look upward to see where the notes are coming from. Reznor and his collaborators—most notably producer Alan Moulder and guest guitarist Adrian Belew—similarly made The Fragile’s songs sound like vertical constructions, piling element on element, often with dizzying rapidity. And in its newly remastered and rereleased incarnation, The Fragile (2017 Definitive Edition), the record scrapes the sky like never before.

“The Fragile” and “Just Like You Imagined,” highlights of the album’s first disc (thinking it of a CD is a hard habit to break after nearly twenty years), are two of The Fragile’s most effective moments in this regard. Shambling into existence with a slow, steady drum beat that sounds like rattling chains, the title track works its way through three iterations of its chorus, the sole lyric of which is the disarmingly direct promise “I won’t let you fall apart”: first softly, near the bottom of Reznor’s vocal register; then at an ear-splitting, double-tracked shout, accompanied by cinematic synths; and finally with multi-tracked, major-key harmonies that turn the phrase into something close to a prayer. “Just Like You Imagined,” arguably Reznor’s finest moment as a composer, picks up where “The Fragile” leaves off, using that same celestial-chorus harmony construction and prominent cameos from Bowie sidemen Mike Garson on piano and Belew on guitar to create a wordless epic, spiraling upward in volume and intensity.

Which is not to say that The Fragile is all lacerating art-rock bombast. On the Dr. Dre-assisted “Even Deeper” and the late-album high point “The Big Comedown,” Reznor crafts a methodical industrial robo-funk that evokes deep-sea sonar pings and a malfunctioning robot, respectively. “Into the Void,” a direct Black Sabbath reference, juxtaposes the very NIN sentiment “Tried to save myself but my self keeps slipping away” with very un-NIN “ooh-wah-ah-ah” backing vocals. Its follow-up, “Where Is Everybody?,” is a sludgy pelvic thrust with a title cribbed from “The Twilight Zone” and a delightfully dark doggerel chorus: “Pleading and needing and bleeding and breeding and feeding, exceeding…Trying and lying, defying, denying, crying and dying.” Both are reminiscent of first-disc standout “The Wretched,” a relentless throb with a chorus that bellows “Now you know this is what it feels like” (itself an answer to “How does it feel?,” the refrain of Reznor’s collaboration with industrial supergroup Pigface “Suck”) and the almost comically spiteful line “The clouds will part and the sky cracks open and God Himself will reach his fucking arm through just to push you down, just to hold you down.” Misery loves comedy!

But it loves empathy too, and this is where The Fragile stands out from NIN’s catalog. On tracks like “The Fragile” (that “I won’t let you fall apart” chorus, the climactic assertion “It’s something I have to do—I was there too/Before everything else, I was like you”), “I’m Looking Forward to Joining You, Finally,” and “We’re in This Together” (the proof is in the song titles), Reznor dismantles his reputation for solipsistic self-loathing and outwardly aimed anger. There’s plenty of both, sure; album lowlight “Starfuckers, Inc.,” for example, is familiar to students of the alt-rock gossip circuit of the period as Trent’s kiss-off to his estranged former protégé Marilyn Manson, while their subsequent rapprochement led to a video where they teamed up against a Courtney Love lookalike. But in the main, The Fragile depicts an artist desperate to preserve the few connections he still has in the face of ever-growing substance abuse (this was the final album he’d record before getting clean and sober) and crippling grief (the record contains a dedication to his grandmother, a beloved figure who’d recently died). Whether positive or negative, the roiling, confessional tumult of the lyrics is reflected in the monumental sound, and vice versa.

The cumulative approach is at its clearest in “10 Miles High.” Cut from the CD version of the album to trim minutes off its already elephantine running time, the song had previously been relegated to B-side status, appearing only on the relatively obscure original vinyl edition, where both space and pacing permitted it to remain. Heard it in its proper context at last, “10 Miles High” comes across as the emotional and sonic key to the whole album: titanic in scale, unpredictably varied in its dynamic range, and absolutely annihilating in its despair and rage.

Beginning with a tinkling synth shimmer and distant-sounding vocals that murmur “I’m getting closer/I’m getting closer/All the time” (a callback to the band’s biggest hit, of course), the song gains ominous strength with loping, pounding drums and an assertive bassline. A repetitive, sour-sounding guitar joins in just before initial chorus bursts through the murk: Reznor shouts “I tried to get so high/I made it ten miles high,” each “high” echoing like a sonic exclamation point through the crunch of the guitar and drums that sound like they’ve been covered in cast iron.

Then the song peels back to a low hum, with a sardonically jaunty guitar strum and Reznor’s incomprehensible whispering dimly audible in the background. When the chorus and its repeated proclamations of miles-high self-medication come back, everything sounds muffled and choked rather than crisp and piercing. “I swore to God I would never turn into you,” Reznor’s muted voice screams, his disappointment in his failure dripping from every word like venom. The song ends as quietly as it began, with Reznor chanting the words “tear it all down, tear it all down” over and over until everything cuts off. As a lyrical and musical chronicle of complete and total personal failure, it’s peerless in the Nine Inch Nails catalog; only Broken’s scabrous “Gave Up” and The Downward Spiral’s title track (a song whose sonic toolbox “10 Miles High” raids extensively, but which somehow sounds optimistic in comparison despite its suicidal subject matter) come close.

All of this makes The Fragile: Deviations 1 a truly perplexing proposition. Reznor’s on record as saying that the original album emerged from perhaps the darkest period of his adult life, but that the recording process was a life-affirming period in retrospect. He’s teased a revamped re-release for the better part of the past decade, up to and including a more straightforward Apple Music-exclusive instrumental version a few years back on which several new tracks were debuted. Deviations 1 (Reznor’s obsessive ambition makes that numeral worth noting) is the fulfillment of this promise. Less a remix than a recreation, it’s meticulously constructed by Reznor and his longtime collaborator Atticus Ross from the existing recordings, stripping away the vocals and introducing alternate takes and brand-new songs culled from dozens of unused tracks. The result is a complement to the original, but not necessarily a compliment; its deviations are worth exploring for the curious and the completists, but they’re ultimately less than the sum of the additional parts.

Most of Deviations’ deviations, and certainly the best of them, are structural. By adding the new songs, a dozen in total, Reznor is able to seed melodic and rhythmic ideas for more thoroughgoing use later in the album. This, granted, is nothing new for Nine Inch Nails: The plinked-out keyboard hook at the end of “Closer” returns as the central melody of The Downward Spiral’s title track; “The Frail” is an acoustic work-through of the chorus of “The Fragile”; and “La Mer” introduces the playful melody later used to punishing effect in “Into the Void.” Reznor returns to this well with at least a couple of the new additions: “Missing Pieces,” inserted prior to “We’re in This Together,” serves as a prologue that introduces several of its key sounds, while “Last Heard From” revives them just prior to the album’s final stretch.

But Deviations’ experiment with musical foreshadowing goes a bit deeper. On the original, the breakbeat-and-guitar bedrock of “Starfuckers, Inc.” was a sonic anomaly, making the already dubious song even tougher to take in context. Here, new tracks “One Way to Get There,” “Taken,” and “+Appendage,” plus the skittering direct lead-in “Feeders,” insert that Atari Teenage Riot/Earthling-era Bowie sound at multiple points throughout the record, which goes a long way to making “Starfuckers” easier to stomach. Yes, it’s still a less-good “The Perfect Drug” with a goon-squad chorus, but at least it can’t sneak up on you anymore. (The inclusion of the single version’s pisstake coda—a sample of Paul Stanley shouting “GOODNIGHT!” at a crowd that begins chanting “WE WANT KISS! WE WANT KISS!” in response—indicates Reznor’s aware of the song’s goofball nature.)

More interesting still is the intermission that Reznor inserts between the original break between discs one and two.  In its original incarnation, the first half ends with the synth-Floyd soundscape “The Great Below,” and the second half begins with “The Way Out is Through,” a tear-down-the-sky (literally: the lyrics in the vocal version prominently feature the phrase “the heavens fall”) behemoth of distortion and vocal reverb. Deviations tosses in a trio of tracks as a palate cleanser between these two showstoppers: an open-ended guitar-and-drum loop called “Not What It Seems Like,” a wobbly bass-and-percussion number named “White Mask,” and “The New Flesh,” moved up in the track listing from its place on the original vinyl, its crescendoes serving as a sort of precursor to the high-volume “The Way Out Is Through.” Given the concrete purpose they serve, perhaps it’s unsurprising that they’re the best of the the new tracks. They are nevertheless bested by “Was It Worth It?,” a newbie crammed in amongst the party jams “Into the Void” and “Where Is Everybody?” Between a handful of squalling guitar lines and a keyboard melody that sounds like a rotating prism, it has more hooks than the opening scene of Hellraiser.

Yet even at a dozen strong, the new tracks don’t fully tell Deviations’ tale. That task falls to the now all-instrumental versions of the original songs, few of which hold up when compared to the originals. In some cases this comes down to dubious editing choices: “Pilgrimage (Alternate Version)” strips away its precursor’s “Tusk”-style marching-band section. Closing track “Ripe With Decay (Instrumental)” adds a backbeat, stripping much of the power of the entropic original. Most bafflingly, “10 Miles High (Instrumental)” builds up the regular version’s secondary guitar riff—played so quietly in the original that its presence seems almost sarcastic, like a mockery of the whole idea of riffs—into a dull cock-rock stomp and strut.

The album’s biggest problem, though, is a lack of editing, not a surfeit. Most of these songs have a pretty reliable melodic template; take out the words, and you’re left with overlong and unvaried segments. Groove-based songs like “Even Deeper,” “Into the Void,” “Where Is Everybody?”, and “The Big Comedown” weather this excess relatively well, since their rhythm-oriented structure has a funk-like momentum that carries them through the surplus sections. More straightforward rockers like “No, You Don’t” or “Please,” however—never the album’s strongest moments—drag noticeably without Reznor’s voice. If you want a metaphor for what’s lost in this new version, the revamped cover—a black, white, and gray David Carson photograph of a waterfall, now denuded of the original’s vibrant red overlay—pretty much says it all.

Reznor and Ross have no shortage of experience with instrumental recordings; indeed, turning The Fragile into an instrumental album merely brings it line with the bulk of the duo’s recorded output over eight years since NIN put out its sprawling collection of soundscape sketches Ghosts I-IV. At the time of the album’s original release, Reznor already had the unjustly forgotten score for the first-person shooter game Quake under his belt, and The Fragile 1.0 has no shortage of instrumentals. This makes the lack of a more stringent editorial hand all the more perplexing. Far too many of Deviations’ freshly vocal-free songs sound like karaoke versions rather than instrumentals that can stand on their own. The result is a listening experience that outstays its welcome on a song-by-song basis, let alone over the course of its massive 150-minute running time.

Fortunately, the originals are still out there. The Fragile arrived a stylistic turning point, emerging at the point where the “alternative” sobriquet fell out of fashion and “indie” achieved dominance. Today, though, reservations about the lyrics’ outré confessionality and the music’s jam-packed, everything-plus-the-kitchen-sink gigantism seem positively quaint. (Don’t care for titanically hyper-produced albums stuffed with uncomfortably intimate and self-mythologizing lyrics about your emotional world falling apart? Tell it to Lemonade.) The Fragile may lack the tightness of Nine Inch Nails’ other highlights: the concise fury of Broken, the inexorable depressive logic of The Downward Spiral, the late-career professionalism of Hesitation Marks. But it takes the emotional distress that gives it its title and transmutes it into something colossal, defiant, and resilient. Listen to it at your strongest or your weakest (and I’ve certainly done both) and it will offer you a sonic signature commensurate with the power of what you feel inside.