#or bc my mom wouldn't take me to a doctor if i got hurt

[eldritch-immunity]

Is the fact that I can't watch people do anything without wondering "how are their pants staying up" bad

[kuni-is-daddy]

Hear me out- fluffy comfort sex with scara bc y/n's severe daddy issues are acting up and it gets rougher... idk ive just been fantasizing about this 🤭

"For me~"

Tw: daddy issues, Signals of depression.

Scaramouche x GN reader PUREE comfort! :)

1.3K Words

scara masterlistt wanderer comfort

Fluff+smut

MINORS DNI---

Please make sure your taking care of yourself! I might not know you but your a beautiful person inside out who deserves the best and an amazing life no matter your age. Either young or old, things will get better. Have faith in yourself ❤️ I hope scara helps you feel better here💜

Art credit!

Even though scaramouche has a interesting personality. I feel like he truly can relate to MANY people regarding their problems and that's why he's one of my, if not favorite genshin character.

He's on break from his most recent mission in inazuma and treats you out and catch up as another date. He brings you a couple of gifts and some dango he kept cold just for you. "I thought you weren't a fan of dango scara?" "I'm not but.. figured I might as well bring something sweet for you besides myself" you giggled but that soon turned into a sad expression while you played with the box of dango he handed to you. "What's wrong y/n?"

Unfortunately, hearing about what's going on with your father was the last thing he wished to hear. Your his everything and you getting treated or viewed as nothing is something that makes his skin boil.

"tsk, how about I teach that old man a lesson? Humans are all the same. Taking it out on others because they can't handle the fucking truth or their own shit life. Where is he?" Scaramouche stood up from the table and looked at his surroundings.

"S-scara baby please it's fine its fine.." he sits back down. "Being with you already makes my day a blessing." You cup his cheek and he sinks into your warm touch. Looking at your beautiful eyes. He sighs, "you don't deserve this y/n. And..I'm not going to be here all the time for you. Fuck...this is already pissing me off"

"I don't even fucking have a father, but if I did I sure as hell wouldn't let myself get pushed around like this." You frowned. "Hey. Look at me. Your not a push over okay? I-im just saying this isn't right. Your beautiful and deserve the world y/n. I'd give you all of teyvat in a heartbeat" which you assumed he could after seeing the 'Shouki no kami' he and 'the doctor' have been working on. "Is he always home and like this?" "Yeah.. it's just like this when I'm around... So I'd just find something to do to try and take my mind off if it but..it still hurts." He held your hand. "Its going to hurt my love, it hurt when my mom abandoned me as well. Leaving me alone, but you have to find hope. Be it something small or anything. The fatui was.. a revenge thing you can say but. I found hope within you to be different..even if I am still in it. For now." You blushed "wow kuni~ I never knew you could be so nice." And there went his ego, "I just tell it like it is. And like I said, you are beautiful my love. And you certainly are worth it. Every hour, every second and every breath I take by your side."

It grew silent for a couple of minutes. Scara got up and paced back and forth thinking of a way to help you, to make you understand he loves you. He knew that deep in your thoughts we're tragedy and pain, that you we're alone. And he didn't want you to feel how he felt when his life crumbled due to the stoned face of a god.

He wanted to hurt that man, make him regret it. But he knew that wasn't the right way. Sometimes violence isn't always the answer and he learned that from you. You we're the yin to his yang, the beat in his heart. He loved you more than anything and you guided him into the 'happy' man he is today more then anyone could ever hope to become.

He didn't take you home, rather to his own home. It was dark, black painted walls and only 1 or 2 pictures he took with his 'buddy, Childe' and the rest we're all pictures of you. Even in his room he had taped up letters you'd write to him during his abroad trips. "Look. Come here." He was a little stern but you can tell it was because he was angry at how you we're being treated. "You see all of this here? I read these everyday. When I wake up, to be reminded that I'll always have you y/n." He held your hands and sat on the bed while taking his hat off. "I want you too feel the same way, even with that piece of shi- 'annoying parent' around. You don't have to read my letters my love, but please. Stay strong. For me. And for the future we will have together, side by side. Always."

SMUT🤪

Scaramouche laid you onto the bed and let out a groan "god look at this beautiful body of yours. How dare you look at yourself like this.. your fucking beautiful" he rubbed his hands along your body and took licks around your neck "I'm gonna treat you well t'night baby. And tomorrow I'm going to ask that brat Childe to take the rest of my missions for a bit(months) love." "B-but scara then your going to be so busy after-" he kissed you to keep you quiet. "Mmm mmm.. don't worry about that, trust me you'd be surprised to see the things he'd do after I put on a show for him(scara means killing a buncha people. Childe loves that shit😩)

Scara moved down to your private part, licking and kissing it "Scara~ stopp..your tongue~"

"Want me to stop baby? I know you like it." "N-no" you said while rubbing through his hair "you feel so good~" he smirked. "Good you like it. How about my fingers, you want that to?" "Y-yes daddy..wanna feel your fingers." Scara licked at his fingers and put two inside. "Mmm your so tight around my fingers baby..." He took his other hand and held your leg up while biting at your thighs. "Scara~ please~ ah...hah...." biting and sucking on your thighs until you got a hicky "Yes? What does love want." "I- I want you inside." He stopped biting at you and laughed. "Mmm and here I thought you wanted me to be gentle. And cherish your body." "I-i do but... I want more of you scara" "then take what you want of me, my love"

"Oh fuck baby..L-look at you, bouncing on daddys cock so well." Scara's praises made your body heat up. You two interlocked hands as you chased your orgasm "Yes y/n..Fuck yes. i love you. I love you so fucking much, Please cum for me. Let me hear those beautiful moans." "S-SCARA~ OH sHIT~" You cum oozed onto scara as he kept praising you, "Mm..fuck baby you did so well..So fucking well.. lay down f' me." Your body grew weak as your high started to fade and he guided you to the otherside of the bed. Scara licked off some of your cum while cleaning you up. "Shit.. and you taste good too baby." You threw a pillow at him "You pervet-"

You awoke to your boyfriend soundly asleep next to you. Already in his fatui attire. "S-scara...Your still here" He ruffly opened his eyes. "Of course id be here dumass.. But i do have to leave in a bit.. Otherwise how else am i gonna get that ginger idiot to take my work for a bit." You we're shocked that he still committed to what he said earlier, You thought he was just speaking to boost you up but scara was serious about it. You gave him a hug. "Im so glad to have you in my life Kuni. I love you."

"My god, my mother, humans. They've all abandoned me. Because I was 'weak. Not good enough.' But now I understand my love, I don't need them. Or what they say... All I need and want is you. I want to wake up to your beautiful smile. I want while I'm away for you to be happy. So please keep trying, not for those that dismiss you like they've done me. But for yourself and me. I believe in and love you. Just the way you are and the person you strive to be. I love your kindness, the way you smiled even when you we're sad on our dango date and wake up everyday even if it's the bare minimum. Dont hide those emotions anymore my love, When your hurt, Fall in my arms. Please stay, don't listen to that old bastard or the pain in your heart. I love you and I will stay with you until the bitter end to pick you up. Just like you always did for me"

Ps: I will be home Early, Tomorow evening most likely. Apparently, childe sees me as his 'best friend' and is willing to help regardless. What a looser. Anyway, I have to prep up for the fatui's grand dinner. I hope you ate today my love, Farewell until then.

-Kunikuzushi.

[astelren]

BSD pregnancy with Kouyou

ೃ⁀➷ TW/CW: Fluff, Implied AFAB Reader (since pregnancy, but i dont use any pronouns or body parts), Bad English, Pregnancy, Koyou being more so a mom, Can be seen as either romantic relationship or platonic, let me know if I need to add more TW/Tags ♡ Minors please interact with me only by liking or reblogs. ➳ Characters: Koyou Ozaki ⤠ Jealousy HCs (Dazai, Chuuya) ⤟ BSD Masterlist (soon!) ⤠ Who wants kids ⤟

Anon requested: Headcanons for koyou Ozaki with a pregnant reader please!!

Ooohh this one was interesting bc im not sure if I managed to nailed this lmfao also since you didn't specify if the koyou and reader are in a romantic relationship or not I decided to keep things very grey so that you can read it in whatever way you prefer💞

While Koyou doesn't have any experience in pregnancy herself, she can understand how troubling the period can be. So if you thought was protective before, now it's completely off the rails: she doesn't let you do any work, especially the type of work that consists in moving stuff or dealing with heavy things.

First months of the pregnancy are easy and she lets you do most things if you feel like it, although you can always sense her glare following your presence. Koyou is just making sure you are alright since you have to be careful with pregnancy, but she doesnt wish for you to feel like a burden or anything like that.

She will also keep your hair out of the way when you are vomiting, and gently caress your back in a soothing manner to help you out. Koyou is nice and gentle with you, she will probably make some tea for helping you to feel better

The more the pregnancy goes on, the more Koyou becomes more strict and careful she becomes: like I said before you can’t most tiring work, and she will demand someone to help you out or to be around you if she isn’t in the vicinity.  

Will also accompany you to whatever visit you have to make, especially if she gets to boss around people who dare to disrespect you or take too much of your time. No stranger will touch your belly without Koyou's approval, unless they went their hand off their arm…

And also whoever doctor dares gets too comfortable for her liking, she has no problem reminding them of their place especially since they are the best doctor in the place, but also deeply connected to the best. Of course, you only get the best of the best💜

But Koyou is so sweet and caring with you it makes everyone jealous: she cooks every meal for you, or asks very well known chefs, gently caressing your belly while murmuring stuff to the baby, making sure the chair is always the most comfortable and with the fluffies cushion, she never rises her voice against you in any possible way, she will even message your feet if it hurts too badly

Likes to spoils you, but that's even before you got pregnant. Koyou buys you clothes that you feel more comfortable in, clothes for the baby, toys, and even starts mumbling about having a nursery room or something like it, while you are probably thinking that you wanted to buy something for the baby too… she wouldn't let you

Takes off some days to take care of you too, and would probably remind you to have a little hobby or something to pass time during the pregnancy period. Koyou would show you many hobbies, would also try some too if you ask her, just to spend some time together

If the doctor allows it, then she is willing to let you go to a vacancy during your last months and even pay for most of it, since you will probably complain if she pays all of it. Not that she minds it, in the end, the vacancy is for you to relax so why worry over how much money you spent? Just let her.

This work belongs to @/astelren, do not repost, translate, copy, rewrite or share on tiktok without my permission. Reblogs are appreciated and encouraged♡

[wehadfaces]

too long personal post under the cut, tw for death, ptsd, and grief

coming up on six months and symptoms of ptsd are starting to set in. i haven't slept more than a few scattered hours a night since feburary and i've been through a handful of medications that do not help.

when my mom gave birth to me, the doctors accidentally left placenta in her that gave her an infection and that's the best way i can describe how this feels. i was a caregiver to my grandmother for so long it's like that part of me is still inside but useless and it hurts. it's hurting me. it's like i don't know how to do anything else but that it's simultaneously separating itself from me and i don't know how to feel about that. she was a parent to me, she saved my life once when i was little kid, we had a complicated relationship that was very tense at times.

i've always been a worst case scenario person. like maybe i don't think the worst will actually happen, but i always plan for it and brace myself. and even though i spent the entire last month with her in the hospital taking shifts with my mom so she'd never be alone, it never once crossed my mind that she wouldn't be coming home. not once until the very end when it was inevitable. she got better and recovered and we were working with the doctors about what would happen when she was discharged until one day she got worse and then it was over in less than a week.

and everyone always says how amazing that was, how selfless, and that they could never be a caregiver. and i thought that too about caregivers before i became one. i never thought i'd be in that role. i just did it. i did the best i could and i know i could've done so many things better. but now it's like what else is there? i've grown distant to all but a few friends, i haven't been asked out on a date since my first year of college that i never went on bc i ended up moving home where i can't be out safely. i'm on a career path that i hate. all i want to do is cook a specific meal for a person who isn't alive anymore and talk to her. a colleague was very unprofessional to me friday and i sat at my desk sobbing, less about what she said but that all i waned to do was call my grandma to talk about it. i couldn't catch my breath i was so upset.

today during a team meeting our icebreaker question was what motivates us and everyone in the next role up that i'm supposed to move into was talking about their job and i just started sweating and almost cried because i realized just how much i do not want to progress in this career. i know it's important work but i just. i don't know if it's my company or just the industry but i'm so over it!!!

and i know it's never too late but as i get older i know it'll be harder, and i'm so, so tired and feeling more alone than i have in my entire life

[icedmetaltea]

x

I feel pretty close to doing it ngl. Today was... horrible. Is. It's only 2pm now. Who knows what else could happen between now and tomorrow.

I've been so on edge, unable to calm myself down. On the verge of a panic attack constantly, then having a small one for like 30+ mins... I got my mom to come up here and spend some time w/ me but she was obviously distracted. We ended up talking while I drew, weighing options.

I need the fluid from my ears gone so my anxiety can finally begin to calm down. I can't go anywhere in the car though without having horrifically bad panic attacks, so I'm terrified of driving anywhere, and seeing how the nearest clinic is 30 mins?? Fuck that.

Wondering where I'm going to spend the winter... or even the next month. I should probably be in a mental institution till they can figure out what tf is wrong with me and get me on the appropriate meds. The therapist yesterday said there's a possibility I have bipolar disorder, and that would explain why I feel so unbearably unstable if so. Again, though, the nearest would be at least a 40+ min drive. Wouldn't fix the ear issue.

I can't stay here in this camper bc it's not an all-season one. It's getting cold out, nearing October and I've barely able to comprehend it.

I can't stay in Virginia cause if I stayed with my sib again, well, they're planning to move to New York soon and they're taking the kittens with them ofc. And they seem much happier without me there. If I stay with my sister, she's busy with a job and 2 kids. I can't have one of my screaming panic attacks in front of them.

So yeah. I feel trapped. In my own head from the muffled hearing, in life since idk where I'm going to be in the next month or two, also just knowing nobody wants me around. I know my mom would be so much happier if I wasn't there, free to be with her husband and go about their daily lives without dealing with a load of baggage like me.

She snapped at me when I mentioned suicide and while I can understand why, it still hurt. She said she had a migraine and needed to leave so I'm alone again. Alone with crippling anxiety and racing thoughts. Alone without a solid ground to stand on. Alone without knowing where I'll end up in a month, knowing I'm unwanted to my whole family even if they reassure me, alone in knowing that if I do end up staying in an institution I'll have basically nothing to do but be completely alone with my thoughts around strangers who are possibly loud and/or aggressive. Alone. Just alone.

And yea, suicide is looking like more and more of a good plan. If I go through with it, I should do it here while I'm surrounded by all these guns. On the other hand, I'd have to go out in the woods where my mom wouldn't find me, at least not till I'm unrecognizable. On the other hand I keep telling myself this is temporary and eventually my hearing will come back, eventually I'll live somewhere where I'm wanted and don't have to worry about suddenly having the rug pulled from under my feet, but come on. I've been telling myself that since my friend left. It's been 3 months and it's only gotten worse. I'm worse off than ever. I need help and idk how to get it here. I'm in counselling, I have a doctor who can give me meds, but it's still somehow not enough. My mind keeps screaming out, demanding my attention, trying to protect me from what, suffocation? I know it's irrational but it's been plaguing my thoughts. And idk if therapy can help. Not in time, at least.

So yeah, I just keep telling myself things will get better, but I'm beginning to think that I'm just a horrible liar.

On something more positive I guess, I called the crisis line my therapist recommended and for once someone was there to talk me through a panic attack. The last time I called while I was in VA, they basically just said idk go to ER I guess?? But no the lady sat with me for like 20+ mins. I was still on the verge of a panic attack (and tbh still am) but idk it was nice. I've always heard panic attacks aren't "serious enough" for crisis lines but she said I could call anytime.

Cause like... the panic attacks I've been having aren't normal. They aren't the kind I'd be able to manage back in the day. They're all-consuming, they make me feel like I'm choking/going insane/passing out all at once, they make me scratch myself till I bleed, they make me scream. Maybe that is just bc my hearing is still muffled (and again idk how tf to deal with that) but yeah....

Having the weight of that looming over me with no end in sight also makes the idea of suicide look very pretty and convenient. It'd hurt, but just for a moment, not like these horrible long nights with racing thoughts, broken sleep full of nightmares, the choking feeling in my throat constant and unforgiving.

What do I still have to live for? Like 5 things idk. 1. guilt bc I'd feel bad about mom finding me since she's so sensitive. 2. OFMD s2, 3. Drawing??, 4. Finishing fics??? Idk., 5. I genuinely cannot find a 5th one and that scares me.

Zen, if you're still alive, congrats. You've done it. Your absence completely and utterly ruined my life. I will never be the same again.

My body is actively trying to kill me. I just wish it'd do it sooner, in one fell swoop, fucking give me a heart attack or something. I'm tired of the constant anxiety, the creeping depression, losing all interest and passion and the little things that make me...

yeah. I think I will. I just don't know what way I will. Or when. If life is worth living, then it better give me a fucking miracle real fucking soon. I can't take this anymore. I really can't. I want to get out, I want to get out, I want to get out. I'm tired, I'm aching, I'm scared, I'm guilty, I'm useless. I need help but there's none. Next therapy appointment isn't till monday and wtf are they going to do?? I need to be in an institution and the nearest one is so far away. I'm trapped. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help. I need help.

But at the same time I don't want help. I've been asking for it so much, using people, and for what? I'm still going to go through with it. What's it matter?

Why help someone who's more or less already sealed their fate? Besides, it's not like I'll miss much. The world is getting worse and worse. Rights being taken away left and right. Why bother living?

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

speed reading or skipping paragraphs is a thing both me and my mom

(amazing person) (had me so late i only knew her as cool old lady) (the only reason me and my half siblings and technically not related at all but fuck that siblings got to grow up as family bc she fought tooth and nail with her exes for it) (and by fought i mean gritted her teeth and was polite to the vindictive assholes bc her exs had money and legal status and connections and an education that translated properly so they could have white color jobs while she was being a single mom below the poverty line working part time jobs still somehow making her kids feel like they lived in a magical wonderland and she was the dragon who'd eat anyone that tried hurting us)

had in common

(she died almost a year ago the first anniversary is coming up this is fine)

she grew up also poor af in her home country but her parents sent her to a RICH GIRLS PRIVATE SCHOOL bc her grades were good and this nuclear scientist Doctor Doctor -insert name here- who couldn't do the most simple everyday things (her husband was the same) and was in actual awe of my grandma (who cleaned for them) 's ability to figure out how to hang a picture straight or fix the plumbing

(grandma led her catatonic older sister across an active war zone as a teen and also told stories to my mom about mice who came out at night to read scraps of newspaper she left on the floor for them, she was legally blind and still walking a mile to the local store when i knew her, didn't care a fuck that i didn't know her language and i actually learned several family stories from her somehow)

the Doctor Doctor was convinced my mom would be stifled in a normal school, hence the Everybody Else Here Own A Pony And A Summer House Meanwhile We're Living On The Shack By The House My Dad Is Building For Someone Else situation with mom in rich girls school because of her scores

But

the thing is, my mom was kinda shit at school

(she almost failed one class bc the professor got pissed she wouldn't treat him like a god as a good student should so she refused to do anything in his class except fight with him and he DID fail her, but the other teachers and principle had her do a test and whoops turns out she'd learned his class better on her own than most of his students hehheheh fifty years later she was still gloating about it)

and this has to do with speed reading and skipping because, in one class, you were supposed to take turns reading out of a book and then later pick a topic to write a paper on

well my mom's turn would come, and bc she was like me, she wouldn't actually read the words. She'd see the shape of the sentence, scan the first letter of every line down the page, add that to the topic at hand, and kinda just FEEEL what the section was about

you'd think someone would notice she wasn't reading it right but she was So Confident and Casual about it i guess everyone just went "well i must be reading it wrong her version sounds right"

this worked for her!

until the paper came due, and she was asked to read hers in front of the class

well she hadn't written anything, turns out.

So my mom (who outside of school drifted between wearing boys clothes to scare off her friends exes or leather mini skirts with fishnet stockings and no undies depending on her mood) she picked up a BLANK piece of paper, stood up, and read out the Best, Most Well Thought Out And Insightful Paper her professor had heard all day

good, right? easy peasy pass grade. cheato completo

unfortunately the professor liked it Too much

and they asked. for a copy

So my poor mom had to admit that not only was her brilliant little paper an imaginary thing that didn't exist, she ALSO had to cop to all the OTHER times she hadn't been reading from the book, just to prove to her teacher that her paper WAS fake

(my mom had a real strong if weird sense of integrity. she'd bend the rules into a pretzel, but she hated the idea of being thought of as a Liar, when it was just for personal selfish reasons)

(lying to help someone else was another thing zero fucking hesitation there only gleeful dramatics)

now im not anywhere near my mom in coolness levels, but i also have the thing of skipping around when reading and going by shape and recreating what it might say based on other clues instead of just, seeing each word individually

a lot of the times it works!

it's also why I Can't Get A Driver's License

Reading Manuals Doesn't Work For Me And There's No School Or Instructor Place In Reach So My Can't Drive I'm Gay Credential Is Permanent! It's enforced! I've been assigned pedestrian by whatever the hell seemingly inheritable trait it is that made me and my mom find books in the library via size, color, geographic location and anything OTHER than the gods-damned TITLE!!

(thnx mom) (had to hold the instructions for instant mac and cheese physically in front of my face the entire time it cooked) (you'd have laughed) (i laughed instead tho don't worry) (miss you <3)

[boldlyvoid]

Hi Em, i know it’s probably none of your business but i feel like i need to talk about it with someone and i honestly have nobody else to talk to :( i sent you an ask about thinking maybe im autistic like two years ago (late 2020 ish) and i cant find it again but basically ever since your answer i cant stop thinking about it and i honestly havent been to a psychologist bc im scared maybe she’s going to confirm it to me. I have been reading about symptoms and watching people talk about autism and i relate with so many things they say so idk, it gives me so much anxiety and im honestly so scared.

Also i hope this doesn’t trigger you but i talked to my mom about it and she was like ‘lol you’re definitely not autistic, you graduated from college and you’re clever and not incapable of doing things on your own’ and that made me really sad so now idk how to cope with it :( im so upset

the best advice I can give you is that you live in your brain 24/7 you know yourself well. you wouldn't look at your broken arm and think oh it doesn't look like most broken arms so it mustn't be broken. you'd feel the pain and experience it your own way and know that yes, this is broken. you know when something is up. you know when you have nerve pain or when your feelings are hurt. so if you look at yourself and you look at what it takes to be diagnosed with autism and you think, "hey that sounds like me" then that's totally you. you don't need a doctor's permission to say you have a broken arm, you fuckin know when the bone is popped out. so why can't you say you're autistic if you feel so as well?

as for your moms response that's very rooted in ableism but also autism is a hereditary thing, so your parents most likely have some kind of neuro-divergency that makes them see you as quote-unquote normal but that's only because it's their normal too. like my mom thinks its normal to get in her car and drive and not remember how she got to work because she was thinking about too much other stuff... as if that's not an adhd thing? it's totally normal to her... and my dad being able to hear every sound in the house and freak out over the smallest inconvenience is normal and "just man things" and not him becoming overstimulated from his autism....

your parents dont know you as well as you know yourself, if Autism feels like the right diagnosis for you and if you can ease your everyday life with accommodations specifically made to help neurodivergent people, then there's nothing wrong with that. live your life the way that will help you feel the best and fuck anyone who doesn't like it.

if i'm not following you and you want to message me privately, let me know and I'll do that, I'm always here to talk one on one if you need someone

[crazy4myself]

No Harm List Pt.4

Word Count: 7.2k

Summary: You live in a city where crime runs rampant. One day, you save a young boy's life, not knowing that he is the most powerful crime lord's heir. And you have just been put on the no harm list.

Trigger warnings: DESCRIPTION OF PANIC ATTACK!! I really took my time with writing this, trying my hardest to convey these feelings without being triggering. I also tried to make it as comforting as possible, but if you are feeling a little anxious maybe save this fic for a better day. Mental health first!  

Additional warnings: mentions of violence, explicit language, mentions of death,

Genre: Romance, angst, violence, gang/mafia AU, 

Rating: 18+  (bc of mentions of violence there’s no sexual content)

<- Pt.3

"Hobi, I don't wanna be mad. I just wanna know the truth,” you pleaded, voice wavering. And that was the truth, you felt like you could care less if he was in a gang. It was Alcorn, you had to be in a gang to survive if you weren't rich.

Upon seeing your eyes water and your lip tremble, Hoseok instantly wished you would scream at him. He didn't want to hurt you. He didn't mean for it to go this far. For you two to get so close after his sister's death, or for him to lie to you for so long. He told himself he kept you out of it for your safety, but really it was just too easy for him to live two lives, for you to look at him like he wasn't a murderer and for him to pretend for a few hours that he wasn't. 

He sighed, sitting on the couch, and you plopped down next to him and waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts. 

"I guess it's best to start at the very beginning, which was when I was around 16," he started. 

"I lived in the same neighborhood as these two guys RM and Suga. They had actually served some time for getting busted with another gang, the Dime Lions, they're long gone now but basically, some shit went down during some kind of gang raid, and RM and Suga ended up taking the fall for it. Instead of the Dime Lions busting them out of jail, they left them there and basically disowned them afterward."

You nodded along to let him know you were following. 

"Anyways RM and Suga, they had a rough start when they got out of the gang, both were bastards, street rats on the Westside they never had anyone to look out for them. So they did the only thing they could do at the time to survive, which was breaking it to cars and shit and cleaning them out. I don't just mean personal belongings of these guys took engine parts, piping, tiers they took it all, and sold it to any scrap shops they could find. At the time, I was working at my uncle's scrapyard. I knew RM and Suga when they were in middle school before they joined the Dime Lions. They stayed with the foster family that lived in my neighborhood. I knew they had been kicked out of the house and were basically living with the Lion's, so when I saw they were working alone, I got curious. For a year or so, I convinced my uncle to continue buying from them even when he started getting a little suspicious about the guys stealing. The guys knew I looked out for them, and we were cool for a while. Then my mom got sick," he paused for a moment looking away from you.

You reached out and placed your hand on his leg knowing how hard it was for him to talk about his mom and Dawon. 

Collecting himself, Hoseok went on, "So I asked for an in with the guys, I needed money and I knew cars. I could remove the parts more effectively than they could. I also knew some clientele who were always coming by and buying parts because they flip cars for fun, those guys were easy targets. So I guess the three of us were a little gang of misfits for a while, I used the money to help pay for mom's treatment. They used the money to survive.

Then we started taking some younger ones under our wing. RM and Suga got their own place and opened their doors to some kids in a rough spot like they were. But as we got bigger, we started getting sloppy. We had been at it for about a year at this point. The guys started taking on some other jobs, but I stuck to what I did best. I wasn't really interested in broadening my horizons. Like I said, we had been at it for a while, and I got cocky, I guess. We had a few scuffles here and there, but we always got out of them okay. Then one night, we got busted scraping a car at some guy's house, and he shot me in the leg, and the cops got me. RM ended up bailing me out of jail, and Suga, Suga got me a gun." 

He shifted in his seat and looked at you nervously, "I wanted out at this point, mom was basically on her deathbed, and I was all Dawon had. I couldn't risk going to jail, ya know. I owed RM money for bail, but my uncle got me a job as an actual mechanic, I thought I could earn money the honest way, pay them back and then Dae and I could just go back to our lives. But then the doctors told us about some experimental treatment that could possibly cure mom. How the hell could I pass that up? I would have done anything to help her get better." his brows furrowed as he tightened his fist into balls.

 "So I stayed. At this point, BTS was growing, it was an official gang, tattoo and all. We had recruited Jin, who came from money, he used some of his trust fund to fund BTS and help us grow, and RM was starting to get a little ambitious. He wanted territory, he wanted me to take the tattoo and be his third." Hobi squeezed his eyes shut as he let out a sigh, he felt like he had to force the words out of him to confess his sins to you. 

"I told you Suga got me a gun after the arrest, and it ended up I'm a really good shot, so good I didn't even have to kill a guy for a long time. I researched where to shoot to keep someone down for a long while without it being fatal, so that's what I did. I worked a few more jobs for RM, we did a big heist. Actually, that was our big break. A team of six other guys and I broke into this old rich dude's mansion, nearly cleaned out his safe when we split the money most of the guys put a percentage into my pot. I walked out that night with almost enough to pay for mom's treatment in full. 

I told RM I wouldn't be his third, and he offered me an out, I just needed to take one more job for him, and he would pay out the rest of mom's bills, so that's what I did. I killed for the first time, and then I was free. I wouldn't have to do any of it again. Well, that's what I intended," he paused, his voice growing softer. 

You tried to keep your face neutral as he revealed the horrors to you. Not that it mattered Hoseok couldn't even bring himself to look at you.

"Mom ended up passing that night." he laughed, a bitter sound that felt foreign to the kind man you knew, "I swear whatever cruel god is out there pulling all the strings did it to punish me. To let me know, they saw what I had become and that I didn't deserve to have people I love in my life. I wasn't good enough to feel love in this world," 

"Hobi, that's not-" he cut you off with a bitter laugh as he looked upwards to hold back his tears. The motion made him seem as though he was searching for the fates he mocked. "Don't y/n, I know what I am,"

"Dae was a senior when mom passed, and it absolutely broke her. I had to fight to get her to go to school for those last few months. Hell, it was a fight to get her out of bed for her graduation. Her exit exams were a disaster, and the councilors at the college were understanding, for the most part. They still admitted her to the school, but not a drop of financial aid was offered to her. She deserved so much more," Hobi's voice was laced with bitter disdain, his eyes looking far off. 

"So I did everything I could to give it to her. I borrowed from Namjoon, enough to cover her entire admission at Alcorn University."

"Hobi, that's so much," you couldn't hold the comment in. It was near impossible for an ordinary person to buy their way into Alcorn if they didn't get scholarships, the tuition at the prestigious school was over $20,000 a semester for admission alone. 

"And I did it, I had Jin make up a fake scholarship for her, send her a cute little letter telling her about the award. She thought that she earned a full ride, and I let her believe it. I even borrowed enough so she would stay in the dorms, I figured it would be safest to keep her out of the house. I didn't know what kind of jobs RM was going to have me do."

"I took the tattoo, and killing became more of a normal thing for me. It started to get easier, I kept my distance and tried my hardest to not even see their eyes. 

There was a big turf war that year. I don't know, the city was on the brink of a recession, a lot of big players in the city were changing the rules of the game. Business owners fought to take down other businesses simply so theirs could stay open, the market was a disaster. I never cared about the politics of any of it, I just did what I was told, and because of that, I'm still not totally sure all I did that year. What lives I took. Who all I hurt. I did everything I could to forget those nights and the blood. I told myself I was doing it for a good reason, ya know. 

I didn't want to know, I thought I would save that for the day I'm standing outside of hell, and they list off every single one of my evil deeds before they sentence their judgment." Hoseok's vacant eyes started to shine with tears.

 "And that was the stupidest fucking thing I could have ever done. I had no clue who had it out for me, I had started feeling invincible. I didn't even consider that someone would want to take their revenge, I had killed Kim Martin Sr.'s son." 

Your blood chilled at the name, and he didn't look at you as he continued.

"He was some big business owner or something, I was supposed to kill him, but there was a mix-up, and I got his son, Kim Martin Jr. instead. Whoever made the call decided that killing his son was just as effective because the grief practically destroyed him. A few misguided stock investments, while he was grieving, crashed his empire. He lost everything and had to move to the Westside in the aftermath. 

Suga kept good tabs on the guy, but then he fell off the grid. We figured he left town or hell maybe he died. We didn't consider him a threat, he showed no interest in coming after BTS, so I didn't even think to keep an eye out for Dawon."

You felt hot tears roll down your face as you realized what happened. The media painted Martin as the bad guy. They accused him of losing his business after his son died due to extreme drug abuse. The city officials wrote him off as such a pathetic low life, that come the time of his death that his murder was barely investigated. It was simply declared a drug deal gone wrong. But he was a father, a father who lost everything to a hitman and wanted to return the favor. 

Hoseok believed he didn't deserve love. Whatever higher power that was calling the shots took everything away from him as punishment. 

You think of your best friend now long passed, her beautiful smile and contagious laugh. The way she could always read you and knew exactly what you needed, whether it be your favorite ice cream on your period or a trip to the botanical gardens in the middle of the night when she knew you were missing home a bit more than normal.

There was a loose glass in the greenhouse that hosted the plants native to your home. You would both scale the fence to the gardens late at night and push that glass panel in and carefully crawl into the greenhouse. The air would be filled with the floral scents you grew up with, and you would just walk the rows of plants and run your fingers over the velvet petals and waxy leaves. 

Until Dawon would play music, a playlist the two of you made of songs in your native tongue. You would dance around the humid greenhouse singing on the top of your lungs while Dawon would laugh and clap along, excitedly shouting with you when she recognized a word or two. 

You thought about the way you and Hoseok both carried a burden of guilt after she passed. Until now, you had felt like you failed her as a best friend and roommate. 

For three years, you had tortured yourself with thoughts like if you hadn't procrastinated so much on your assignments that week, you would have been home when she decided to make a late snack run. You told yourself the robber probably wouldn't have stopped her if you were together. You reasoned that two of you would have deterred her as a target. 

Or maybe he would have just shot you instead. Dawon would have recovered from the loss so much better, she had Hoseok to comfort her and family and friends to support her. You were merely an exchange student in a city with no morals, loved by no one, but taken in out of guilt by her brother. It would've been a better trade. 

You tortured yourself with these thoughts day and night consumed with feelings similar to survivor's guilt.

You never understood Hoseok's guilt, until tonight, you felt like there was nothing he could have done to make that night play out differently. But now you realize he could have anything, and it might have made a difference. 

"Y/n, I understand if you hate me," Hoseok said softly, watching the tears that dripped down your cheek as you processed everything he told you.

"I wanted to honor Dawon's wish. I didn't expect you to do so much for me, for you to become my best friend and for you to make me feel normal. I kept this from you because you were the closest thing to her I had left. There was a time where I thought I would distance myself from you when you moved out. That I would just become another hazy detail to the tragedy, and you would move on completely with your life, but y/n you were so sad, and you needed me too. 

When you moved out, I was terrified of something happening to you. I couldn't stop myself from checking up on you. I couldn't let us grow apart." Hoseok's voice broke off as you looked at him, the pain and betrayal in your eyes.

 "Y/n, you're the closest thing I have to redemption, protecting you, being your friend is the last thread of humanity I have left, I can't lose you," he pleaded. 

"You watched me blame myself," you whispered accusingly, your eyes shining with betrayal. 

"You watched me tear myself apart, and used comforting me to make you feel better about yourself?" 

He flinched at your words, "I tried everything I could to convince you there was nothing you could have done," Hobi argued feebly. 

"Everything but tell the truth," you hissed as hot tears rolled down your cheek. 

You got up as a sob escaped you, your face red and snot running from your nose. Hoseok stood with you, but you flinched away with a broken no.

 "I need time, Hoseok," you begged. 

You swallowed thickly as you did everything in your power to keep it together, "I don't want to hate you, but please, I need time to think about everything," you assured. Even knowing what he did, he was right. You needed him too. If you lost him, you truly didn't have anyone in the city who cared if you lived or died tomorrow. And maybe settling for that made you your own kind of monster. 

It was funny how he claimed such a tarnished person could be his redemption. 

You secure your bag to your shoulder, stepping out into the night air and pulling the door closed behind you. You couldn't even bring yourself to lock the door behind you, afraid that if you stopped moving for one second that you would completely break down and be unable to make it home. You only hoped Hoseok was smart enough to check the door behind you and make sure to lock it. 

You counted the stairs as you made your descent and into the parking lot, making an effort to take in your surroundings. You tried to list off the colors of the cars as you passed them, and while some distant part of you did the action, you still felt like the effort wasn't reaching whatever corner of your brain you were hiding in. 

You got a lot better with controlling your anxiety attacks as you made it further in college, even going as far as taking advantage of the university's free therapy sessions to get professional guidance in your junior year. You defaulted to your go-to grounding technique as your feet moved of their own accord to carry you home. 5,4,3,2,1 was an exercise that made you aware of your surroundings and tether yourself to this world when your mind felt a dimension away. 

The technique walked you through your five senses, making you list off 5 things you could see, 4 things you could feel, 3 things you could hear, two things you could smell, and one thing you could taste. Even in your most anxious moments, you were a slut for making a good list. You always found this exercise more soothing than any breathing technique. 

Your eyes searched without really seeing as you tried to find five things you could see around you. Straining yourself to really take in your surroundings, you settled for a yellow fire hydrant, a car parked on the side of the road, a penny on the ground, a drainage inlet tucked into the curb, and finally your own yellow shoes pacing down the concrete sidewalk. 

You were going to be okay, you reminded yourself as you took an intentional breath. 

Next, four things you can touch, you focused on your breathing as you reached an arm out to graze your fingertips along with the rough brick of the building you walked by.

You shifted a little more with each step, concentrating on how the fabric of your clothes moved across your skin and curling your toes into the padding of your shoes. You didn't count each feeling, your wandering mind struggling to really take in each sensation, but you were sure you touched four things by now.

This was a mistake you often caught yourself making when counting down like this. Sometimes you were in such a rush to reach the end and get to one as if identifying one taste would magically make all your anxieties go away that you forget to take it slow and really center yourself. 

Three things you can hear, it was at the time, as you strained to let the world in through the all-consuming pounding of your heart in your ears, that you realized you were whimpering to yourself slightly. The awareness of your own vulnerability made you stumble as your mind spiraled, and you struggled to find something to tether you back to the earth. 

You began walking faster before realizing you're not certain you were going the right way. So you came to a halt, realizing you couldn't bring yourself to focus enough to take in your surroundings. You stared at the street sign for a long time, repeating the letters to yourself as you made them form a word finally settling on Gardenia. 

Your breathing hitched as you realized you had wandered off the main streets and into a neighborhood in your daze. You were lost, but you couldn't bring yourself to care about it, and the lack of fear flashed an alarm in your mind that let you know you were too far gone to count away your anxieties.

You struggled to breathe as you tried to come up with a decision. You needed to ground yourself to calm down. You needed to list off 5 things you could see, fourth things you could feel, three things you could hear, two things you could smell, and one thing you could taste. You knew the only way to bring yourself back to the world was to become aware of your settings. 

But it felt as if the part of your brain that knew all these things didn't even touch whatever part of your mind was controlling you now. You were better off giving directions to the light pole you stood under. 

You felt your breathing get harder as you desperately gasped in all the air you could. Your arms and legs began to tingle as your body over oxidized, and your head began to spin. 

Slowly you slumped to the ground, wrapping your arms around the light pole you had stopped under as you spiraled. 

What were you even doing before this moment? How did you even get here? You forced your eyes open wide, hoping the action would make you actually see and register what you were looking at to no avail. 

What were you doing, what were you doing, what were you doing?

You struggled to reign in your thoughts of your laughing best friend and her crying brother. Or was it your crying best friend and his dead sister? 

You were supposed to find three things you could hear. Your crying doesn't count. A more logical voice seemed to get through to you. 

You strained your ears to hear past your own breathing, you could hear a frog croaking in the grass nearby, you felt the earth beneath you to confirm you had in fact settled in a patch of grass. You smiled to yourself proud of your progress as you continued to listen as you continued to listen. You heard the electricity buzzing in the light pole you had wrapped your arms around, you felt almost childlike as you opened your eyes. Actually, seeing this time as you looked up at the pole, you were around. 

You needed one more sound, you strained your ears, expecting to be met with something like a far off car driving by. Instead, you heard your name being called. You blinked as you turned away from the street lamp and towards the repeating sound of a familiar set of syllables coming from a familiar voice. 

Jungkook jogged up to as he saw you curled around a lamppost. Even from a distance, he could see the rapid way your chest was rising and falling in that familiar chaotic rhythm he only saw when he found Taehyung or Yoongi having a panic attack. You looked up at him with a tear-stained face and saw the confusion of his presence take you off guard and snap whatever control you had over yourself. 

Your face crumpled as a sob broke from your chest, and you turned away from him and curled yourself around the light pole a little tighter. 

Jungkook felt such a rush of guilt and panic at the sight of you so broken that he ignored the dull ache in his knees as he instinctively fell down in the grass next to you, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you from the cold metal pole, trying to position comfortably in his chest. 

Jungkook shifted as he uncurled his legs from beneath his body and stretched them out next to yours in front of him, trying to touch as much of his body to you in comfort. You didn't resist, but the jolting motions did seem to make you more upset for a short moment. Jungkook realized he forgot to ask for permission to touch you before he acted. 

He knew Tae preferred physical comfort to calm down, but sometimes it could act more as a trigger when unwelcomed. He loosened his grip hesitantly, and you wrapped your arms around his middle, hugging him closer to you in response. 

Physical contact is. He thought to himself as he began stroking one hand up and down your back and rocking you both side to side slightly as if he was trying to calm a baby from a tantrum. 

Which he basically was doing, you thought bitterly to yourself as you accepted the comfort.

You were too far gone to calm yourself down. You had ridden the river of upsetting thoughts that triggered your attack all the way down, and now you risked floating out to sea and losing yourself forever. Not actually forever, just until you would cry yourself unconscious and wake up to start anew. But you supposed accepting comfort was better than sleeping outside in a neighborhood you didn't know. 

Jungkook whispered to you, not the sweet nothings people typically say when they see people break down like 'it's going to be okay,' or most annoyingly 'breath.' No Jungkook simply told you, 'you're safe,' 'take your time,' 'you're stronger than you give yourself credit for' and in your case most importantly, 'exhale.' 

When people see you having a panic attack and hear the loud gasp you make as you fight to breathe, they instinctively tell you to breathe as a way to calm down. But it's your failure to let the air out that keeps your body over oxidized, making it harder for you to feel in control of yourself. 

Slowly, you regained control of your body, and your desperate gasps for air morphed into shallow panting. Your shallow breathing morphed into soft whimpers and sniffled. Jungkook held you as your continuous knit itself together, and you faced the pain your mind was so desperate to escape.

He rubbed you back as you let out soft sobs as you reopened wounds that had healed into jagged scars. You cried for Dawon and her undeserved death. For Hoseok and the guilt you knew, he carried every day. You cried for Kim Martin, who died at the hands of the killer that stole his son. You cried for yourself, over the fear of the future as you saw it grow intimately tangled with a notorious gang.

You don't know how long Jungkook waited as you reeled yourself back together. He waited long after you finished crying, knowing just because you had control of yourself physically didn't mean you were mentally ready to face the world, so he wrapped you in his warmth and hummed to himself as he rocked you both slowly. 

You loosened and tightened your grip on his shirt and curled and uncurled your toes as you tried to become more aware of your body. You were basically sprawled out on the grass with your upper body twisted and pulled into Jungkook's middle. It wasn't the most comfortable position, but you weren't willing to risk losing his warmth to move. 

You licked your lips, and the jarring taste of your salty tears pulled you from your self pitying thoughts, deciding to work your way up the list you once again started to count. 

One thing you taste, salt. 

Two things you smell: you inhaled deeply and took in the smell of laundry detergent that clung to Jungkkook's shirt. "Detergent," you mumbled into his shirt, and the sound of a coherent word leaving you made Jungkook's humming stop as he looked down at you, nuzzling your face deeper into his chest. He held in his chuckle as you stiffed the air again, and confidently said, "and grass."

You finally pulled yourself away from him only slightly to turn your face away from him, your cheek still pressed against his chest.

"I can hear frogs, cars nearby, and.. your heart," you listed as you looked up at him from under you thick lashes still clumped with tears, "it's louder than mine," you observed as you listened to the hammering in his chest. 

He was from a different kind of nerves. 

He recognized the countdown and realized you were working to ground yourself, "What can you feel?" he prompted eager to get you to move on from his pounding heart. 

"Your t-shirt, it's soft, the grass poking at me through my jeans, my bra digging into me" you wrinkled your nose as you became aware of the discomfort. 

"And?" Jungkook prompted. A smile curled your lips as you looked up at him mischievously, "You're abs," you giggled as you sat up, finally pulling away from him. Jungkook felt the heat crawl up his neck as he turned away, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully. 

"And what do you see?" he asked gently, looking everywhere but you. 

You smiled at his bashfulness as you look around, "I see the street sign, the green grass," you pause as you squint, "I think that's either a rock or some dog poop over there," Jungkook let out a startled laugh. You smiled to yourself proudly as you continued. 

"Our shadows from the street light, and,” you pause realizing how close the two of you are, "the little mole underneath your lip."

"Good," he whispered, and you watched in fascination how his lips formed the words, "Are you ready to get up now, or do you need a few minutes?" he asked. It was the way his mouth twisted into a smile at the end of the sentence that made you realize you were still staring at his lips. You blinked before looking up at his eyes, which was alight with a teasing glint. 

"I can stand," you answered, flustered as you pulled your body away from him. Maneuvering your feet beneath you to get up. Jungkook offered you a hand once he was up helping pull you to your feet, before bending down and grabbing your purse for you. Your feet still tingled in that pins and needles feeling. You wiggled your hands to wake up your fingers as well, but other than that, you felt like you recovered from the physical toll of the panic attack quite well.

"C'mon my place is at the end of this road, let me grab a car and drive you home," he offered. 

You walked with him obediently, your hands brushing past each other twice before Jungkook's hand finally snatched yours mid-swing; you looked down and watched as your fingers intertwined with his effortlessly. You looked to him to see a change in his expression, but he looked straight ahead as he walked, acting as if nothing happened. 

You smiled at yourself, thankful for the affection. You always did get a little clingy after panic attacks, relying heavily on skinship and the feeling of someone taking care of you as a way to feel calm. You were surprised how easy it was for you to let Jungkook fall into that roll despite barely knowing him. But you suppose in the handful of interactions the two of you shared, he's always prioritized your comfort and safety. 

"This is your house?" you asked as you took in the massive white art deco house behind the gate you stopped in front of. The gate buzzed and rolled open for the two of you of its own accord and rolled open for the two of you. 

Jungkook smiled sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck, "Yeah, kinda," he said with a shrug. 

You raised a brow, "kinda?"

"It's complicated, c'mon let's get you home," he said with a tug reminding you that the two of you were still holding hands. You flushed but followed obediently as you made your way to the garage. 

You squinted as your eyes were met with a flood of fluorescent light upon opening the door. A row of vehicles lined its way down the length of the garage, varying from sports car, to jeep, to a large black truck at the end of the row. A line of 4 motorcycles along the furthest wall. 

"J-Hope sells Namjoon a car any chance he gets," Jungkook chuckled as he took in your awed expression. 

"J-Hope?" you questions, and Jungkook's smile faltered.

"That's what we call Hoseok," he clarified. 

You nodded in understanding, "Like how Taehyung goes by V?" you asked, and he nodded. 

"Hoseok, does he sell drugs like V does?" you asked curious of what all Hoseok's gang involvement entailed.

Jungkook opened his mouth to answer but was cut off as the adjacent door slammed up from what looked to be inside the house, revealing a man in a black t-shirt with a mop of platinum blond hair. 

"There you are," he practically growled as he stormed in the room.

The man was dwarfed by Jungkook a good bit, but somehow Jungkook seemed to cower and appear smaller as the man approached, dropping your hand as if he were caught doing something he shouldn't. 

You looked at him curiously and wondered if he was. 

"Yoongi hyung," he greeted as he tried to force a smile, "I was just about to-" 

"Save it," he snapped, "I have half the army out looking for you, ya know," he turned his fury to you much to your surprise as he added "both of you." 

Your mouth fell open, shocked by the confusion apparent on your face as he continued, "Do I need to babysit both of you, because believe it or not, she's taking up a lot of my time. I really can't handle you getting flakey on me Jungkook, we need to know that you're safe," 

Jungkook looked down as he lectured, murmuring a small apology. 

"And you" Yoongi turned to you, "That goes for you too, the Black Tips are still on your tail, I can't do much for you if you go running off,"

"Hyung," Jungkook hissed. "Not now, please." 

Yoongi blinked at his younger in surprise, turning to you and making a point to really look at you, and take you in. Your red-rimmed eyes and splotchy face, the way you seemed to lean into Jungkook. He recognized that far off look in your eyes like you had to concentrate on being present in the moment, and Yoongi remembered the warning in Hoseok's earlier message when he told him you had run out.

"Yeah, okay, get her home and come straight back when you're done, we still need to talk," he said dismissively. None of your questions were answered, but you didn't resist as Jungkook put a hand on your back and guided you towards a nearby car. 

"Good night, princess," Yoongi called over his shoulder before closing the door behind him. Unlike with Jimin, you felt like you were being mocked when Yoongi called you that.

"Who was that, your brother, and why did he say he needs to babysit me?" you questioned as you both settled into the fine black vehicle the windows were so deeply tinted on the outside you wondered if it was safe to drive at night, but upon getting in the car, you noted that you could see through the windows clearly. 

Jungkook waited until after he put the key in the ignition and backed out into the driveway before he started talking."That's Yoongi hyung or Suga, he's head of surveillance for BTS. He was the one who sent out a message to go escort you home when J– Hobi Hyung told him you were upset and left his apartment so late. I was on my way in that direction when I ran across you on our street," he said, breaking at a stop sign and turning on the blinker.

You looked out the window as you took in everything he's told you, noting that you were stopped again by the light pole you had a panic attack under. Suga was one of the original members in Hoseok's story. You thought to yourself as you connected the dots. Your head still felt a little foggy as you recovered from the literal mental breakdown. The sudden change of lighting earlier had started to make your head throb. You were ready for bed.

"Hobi sent people to look for me?" was all you could manage, not entirely understanding the emotions stirring in your chest. 

"Well yeah, I mean, I was supposed to escort you home after work, and you kind changed plans, so we had to roll with them. I figured Hoseok would have taken you home after everything, so I didn't wait around. And then when Suga did send out the message I didn't notify them that I found you it was dumb on my part," he clarified. 

You leaned onto the console between the two of you, propping your cheek upon your hand in a way that squished your lips into a slight pout. Jungkook tried not to stiffen as you got more in his space. Peeking down at you through his peripherals he saw your brow furrow as you processed everything. 

"Why do you care?" you finally settled on asking as you still struggled to pinpoint why so many people would be worried about your safety.

Hoseok, you understood, to a certain extent, you even understood why he called in the favor. He knew your patterns and signs, you were probably shouting you were about to have an attack with your body language as you walked out the door. He knew he could never comfort you, not when he was the trigger. What you didn't understand was why BTS would listen.

"Because you're still not safe, and BTS took responsibility for your safety when I did," Jungkook said, simply turning to look at you as he stopped at a red light. 

If you were in the right state of mind, such a comment would have triggered an immediate fight. You had been on your own for far too many years to suddenly need a whole gaggle of men to tend to you as if you were some helpless girl. You were a grown-ass woman. But you weren't yourself as you searched for a response in the fog of your mind. 

"You're not responsible for anything about me?" you said softly as you shifted to rest your hand on your chin. 

"Y/n what all did Hoseok hyung tell you?" Jungkook asked, confused, you weren't rejecting his protection, you just seemed oblivious. He assumed the cat was out of the back as soon as you learned what BTS was, who they were concerning you. 

"Just how he joined BTS as how he ya know," you stuck your pointer finger and thumb in the air making soft 'pew pew' sounds. You couldn't bring yourself to talk seriously about the subject. Too much of this night had been severe for your liking. 

"Y/n, you saved my life last week," Jungkook said, trying to look in your eyes and convey all his gratitude. You shifted under his stare.

"I wouldn't call it that," you murmured, turning away, "The lights green," you added flatly trying to turn his attention from you. He ignored you and placed a warm hand over yours. 

"I would, and because of that, I and all of BTS owe you a life debt. We want to protect you as best as we can, especially since you're not totally safe from the guys you saved me from," he emphasized. 

You looked up at him owlishly as you thought over everything he said. But whatever you were going to say died on your lips as a car honked its horn behind you. You both jumped startled, and the intensity of the moment evaporated slightly. 

After a few moments of silence, you decided he didn't require a response. You can't imagine you would give a correct one anyways. You looked down at your hand, his larger one still resting atop your own and turned your wrist quickly and intertwining your fingers.

You rode in silence the rest of the way home, and you were fighting your eyelids as you pulled up to your complex. 

Jungkook wondered if you always fell asleep in the car even with dangerous men. He wondered if that's why he never sees you take the bus at night.

"You really should consider living somewhere safer," Jungkook muttered under his breath as he shut off the engine.

You bit your tongue holding in several comments and gave a noncommittal 'mmm' as you unbuckled and stepped out the car to see he planned to walk you to your door again. 

You grew embarrassed as you climbed the stairs and scrambled to think of parting words dwelling on everything Jungkook had done for you that night, "Thank you," you finally forced yourself to say. Jungkook looked down at you as you came to a halt in front of your door. "For earlier, with the crying and the counting," you offered awkwardly your eyes looking everywhere but his as you breached the sensitive topic. 

"Oh, it wasn't a problem, really. I'm glad I could help" he laughed nervously, and you smiled, reaching for his hand before he could bring it to the back of his head, a nervous habit you were quickly picking up on him having. 

"I'm serious Jungkook, a lot of people freak out and make the situation much worse for me, and I get it seeing someone crying like that it's never an easy thing to react to, but you did—" you hesitated as you searched for the right words, "You were good, comforting." 

You didn't give yourself time to question it as you stood on your tiptoes, deciding to convey your gratitude in a way that your stuttering mouth wouldn't botch, and grazed a small peck aiming for his cheek. Unfortunately, the height difference and your own lack of balance had you landing more on his jawline. Jungkook gasped only slightly at the feeling of your soft lips on his jaw, the heat of your body radiating off of you in your nearness. You smiled at him again as you turned towards the door to unlock it. 

"Haha yeah, happy to hear that," he responded, his voice crawling in pitch as he ordered his heart to beat, and you gave him another warm smile as you pushed open your door. 

"Good night, Jungkook."

"Good night, Ella." 

Jungkook's face split into a grin as you closed the door, a hand reaching for his jaw and pressing against where you kissed him as if it would simulate the feeling. His steps seemed to bounce as he made his way down the concrete stairs and back to his car.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading please tell me what you think! Your comments make me eager to write more :)

Pt.5 ->

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

my right hand/wrist is starting to feel better. it started feeling better later in the day on wednesday and since then has been improving more. it still hurts and i still can't do much with it but it's definitely way better than it was when it first started. my mom got me a proper brace a few days ago and i've been taking ibuprofen and some of the cbd oil and essential oils my mom got for pain (which all combined really helped with the severe pain) so i think all of that has been helping it. i was afraid it wouldn't start getting better and i'd have to go to the doctor but i don't think i have to (unless it gets really bad again maybe 😅). hopefully it heals more soon (i really hope it's healed enough on monday bc that's the first day of lab for my bio class 😅)