#or do and tell me i’m overanalysing it i dunno

[sea-jello]

ive noticed a pattern in the music that repeats in jeremy and christines relationship so heres my analysis

first up, we have the "christine" tune. you know the one im talking about. i think this tune is used to represent the stage of their relationship when their feelings are not mutual. mostly its used whenever they are talking ABOUT her, or jeremys love for her. for example when she appears and jeremy watches from a distance, or when the squip uses her and jeremys crush as leverage, like in upgrade. it’s also used in the play when christine gets squipped, and professes her “love” to jeremy. again, it’s still technically not mutual

then, we have the whole melody with “why am i telling this to you / guess there’s a part of me that wants to / i guess a part of me likes to [whatever]”. now this bit is used to represent when the feeling IS mutual, or when jeremy (and the audience) thinks it’s mutual. it’s in ilpr, a guy that i’d kinda be into, and when christine finally decides to go out with jeremy in voices in my head. in ilpr that line obviously makes us and jeremy believe christine has some sort of attraction or whatever to jeremy and just the SLIGHTEST chance the feelings might be mutual. in guy that i’d kinda be into the verse is again obviously MAJOR hinting at jeremy and us that maybe christine IS talking about jeremy, maybe it IS mutual. and voices in my head is self explanatory. i’m specifically repeating the word mutual just to make it more obvious

also fun little extra in a guy that i’d kinda be into, “she is totally into you” is the same tune as “why am i telling this to you”. the “why am i telling this to you” tune is a sort of god i can’t think of the word rn but like beginning?? hinting?? at the mutual-ness, which could totally tie back to the i guess voices in jeremy’s head telling him “yeah she IS into you, the feeling is mutual” yk what i’m talking about. it’s all a concept in my brain that i can’t articulate roll with it

now case in point, i think the little scene that made me realise and come up with all this bullshit can better represent everything. the scene at the halloween party, a guy that i’d kinda be into reprise. it starts off with the second melody, the mutual melody. “it’s kinda killer to sit and chat with you” and all that of course leads jeremy (and us) to believe christine might reciprocate his feelings, that it might be mutual. and then it shifts into the first melody, the not mutual melody, when jeremy’s gearing himself up to ask her out and christine turns him down because it’s not mutual

[sunsetinmyvein]

I Know That I’ll Lose - Chapter Two - Distract My Brain

She had finally gotten home at about 1am that morning once everything from the show had been sorted and dealt with. Leaving her pretty much no time to process what a chaotic day it had been before she crawled into bed and passed out. At 6:18am she was rudely awoken by her phone incessantly buzzing. She rolled over with a groan to investigate what on earth was so important. Eight unread texts from a single number that she still had yet to save in her phone, and for how Matty was travelling at the moment he was about to have his number blocked. As soon as she started scrolling through the messages her phone started ringing. She answered without looking, knowing full well who it was.

“What, Matty?” She asked, the annoyance thick in her tone.

“You weren’t answering my texts.” He answered simply.

Fucking read receipts… “Because it’s six in the morning. I was asleep.” She mumbled in anger; her voice half muffled by the fact that her face was pressed into her pillow.

“Oh… Is it?” He asked absent-mindedly, she could hear shuffling on the other end of the line. “Jetlag is a wonderful thing.” He laughed.

“Go. To. Sleep.” She ordered as she hung up the phone and put it back on her bedside table. Her phone buzzed once more after she hung up, simply with an address and a time. She took a brief glance at it. 10am. That was manageable.

After a couple more hours of patchy sleep, and thankfully no more text messages, she finally got out of bed and got her shit together. The address he had given her ended up being a hotel, and it seemed to be a pretty snazzy one from what she could see in the lobby. Lots of gold trimming on things, a fountain in the centre of the room, a five-star restaurant, the works. They even had some glass thing near the check in desk filled with iced water with chunks of lemon in it. As she was distracted looking around the expensive ground floor of the building, she felt a hand land on her shoulder. For a brief moment she half expected it to be a hotel employee about to ask her to leave for loitering, but she turned around to be greeted by a grinning Matty. He was in much more casual clothes than the last time she had seen him in the stage suit; ripped jeans, a plain shirt, dark glasses. His hair however looked like he hadn’t touched it since he came off stage.

  “Did you sleep at all after the show?” She asked, eyeing his sunglasses and the bed head look.

“A bit.” He shrugged. “I’m sure I would’ve slept better with company.” He added with a suggestive look over the frame of his glasses.

“I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have.” She shot back with an eyeroll. He laughed at that, opening his mouth to throw in another witty comeback, but she figured she’d stop that conversation before it started. “Anyway, where are we going? What is this shit that you have to do today?”

He pulled a small slip of paper out of his pocket and read over the information scribbled on it. “We are going to some radio station for an on-air interview thing at twelve, and then there’s another one somewhere else at three.” He answered, starting to walk towards the doors of the lobby.

She glanced back towards the elevators before following him, “Are the rest of the band coming?”

“No. Those dickheads got to go home last night. They only want me for the interviews.” He huffed.

  They stepped out onto the pavement outside the hotel and Matty took a moment to take in his surroundings. “All right, so this is the address we’re going to first,” He said as he handed the slip of paper to her, “you gotta get us there and keep an eye on the time so that I’m not late to this thing.”

She stared at the paper for a second, before looking back at him with a frown. “Why?”

“Because I am entrusting you with this very delicate task.” He said as he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it.

“Don’t you have, I dunno, a babysitter or something to sort this stuff out for you?”

He took a deep drag before speaking, “Nah, they didn’t give me anyone to sort out my shit on this tour.” He said with a shrug. “So, you’re stuck with me.”

Her frown deepened, “I never agreed to that.”

“Well, you can always go home if you’re not having fun.” He pointed out.

There was a long pause between them as she mulled over her options. Go home and do the work that she had put off doing, or hang out with the charismatic lead singer of a band she quite liked. Eventually she muttered under her breath, “It’s this way to the train station.”

  They walked down the street silently for a few brief moments. Matty was happy just taking in the sights of a new area, the different architecture, the brief glimpses of culture. Travelling was a perk of his job that he very much enjoyed. She was noticing pretty quickly that Matty was a very expressive guy, it was pretty easy to see where his attention was and how engaged he was in whatever he was doing. He took another drag on his cigarette before holding it out to her.

“Tobacco?” She asked as she stared down at the offer. He nodded. She shook her head lightly, “No thanks.” They took another few steps down the street as the gears turned in his head, processing her answer.

“Is that implying that you smoke other things?” He questioned eventually. She deliberated on her answer, giving a noncommittal noise in response. His eyebrows shot up in amusement, “What would’ve made you say yes?”

“I might have considered it if it was weed.” She answered truthfully.

“Scandalous. I will need to remember this important information.” He replied as he snuffed out his cigarette with his shoe. She chuckled quietly next to him, forcing a grin out of him. She hadn’t exactly looked (or sounded over the phone) happy to see him again, it was nice to know that maybe he didn’t drag her out here for nothing. “Thank you, by the way.”

“For?” She asked.

“For coming with me today.” He elaborated. “Things go a lot smoother for me with company.”

“Oh,” She hadn’t been expecting him to sound so grateful about that. “It’s no problem.”

  Matty hadn’t anticipated that the train station would be as close to his hotel as it was, and despite his attempts to suggest a taxi or something, she had reassured him that the offices that they were going were right in front of a different train station, so it was far more convenient to use public transport than to have to wait for someone to arrive to get them. He figured he had to trust her judgement, otherwise what was the point of asking for help from someone who actually lived here? They sat down on the train, him sitting across the aisle from her; partially because the train was fairly full, partially as an excuse for him to be able to look at her through his shades without her being able to tell if he was staring out of the window or not. As he overanalysed everything about the last twenty-four hours, he eventually remembered that he had brought something to give to her. She had been looking out the window when she suddenly found a piece of black fabric hurtling towards her head. She caught it, albeit ungracefully, and as she pulled it away from her face she realised it was a hoodie. A 1975 hoodie. She gave him a look of confusion as she held it up.

“You were keen on getting a hoodie, so I grabbed you one.” He explained with a casual shrug.

That didn’t lessen her confusion any. “From where? All of the remaining stock got sent back?”

“From my suitcase.” He said as though it was the most obvious fact in the world.

She looked down at the hoodie. It looked well worn, and it wasn’t a design that was being sold at the show last night. “Is this yours?” She asked after a long moment of silence. She looked back up at Matty, seeing him staring down at his phone.

“Not anymore.” He said simply. She was not overly fond of the warm, fuzzy feeling she had in her chest about this knowledge. But she shoved the article of clothing into her bag regardless.

  The train station that they needed was only a few stops down the line, and they arrived in front of the building the interview was being held in with plenty of time to spare. He checked the time on his phone. They had nearly an hour and a half to kill. “Now what? I didn’t think that this place would be so close.” He sighed, lifting up his sunglasses to rub at his eyes.

“Well, I know a really good café nearby.” She suggested, glancing around at how busy the area was. Thankfully most of the people on the train hadn’t gotten off with them, there must be an event happening somewhere else. It should be pretty safe.

He hummed in agreement, nodding to himself. “Good idea. This is why I needed you to keep me company today. I could go for a coffee, and you probably need one.” He grabbed his wallet, handing her his credit card. “My shout for waking you up early.”

“Damn right it is.” She laughed as she took the card.

  It only took a couple of minutes before they approached the unsuspecting shop front. He made a beeline for the menu, trying to work out what would keep his mind best sorted for this interview. He felt like a coffee but he preferred tea most of the time, and coffee might make him too jittery and his thoughts too rapid. He didn’t have as much time when things were being aired live to consider his answers. In the back of his mind he heard her paying for their order, clearly deciding for him what he should have. He supposed that was one less thing to have to worry about. She came and stood next to him, holding his credit card back out to him.  “All right, you gotta take your shoes off.” She said as he slipped the card back into his wallet.

“Huh? Why?” He frowned. She pointed in the direction of the back of the café towards a small room with a glass wall. Inside it looked… more or less like a lounge room? With couches and a TV and coffee tables. Except there were many, many cats.

  “Wait… is this one of those cat café things?” Matty asked, quickly taking a worried glance around the front of the shop. She nodded as she kicked her shoes off. “Aren’t those super popular?” He was beginning to get anxious now. Big crowds weren’t really his thing. He hadn’t exactly prepared to be professional until his interview and had sort of hoped that the shades would be enough to give him privacy until then. He didn’t want to be forced to be on his best behaviour if he didn’t have to be.

“Normally.” She seemed entirely unphased by his distress.

“Maybe we should go somewhere else then.” He suggested, scratching at the side of his curly hair. He was already trying to think of a way to back track out of this situation. Maybe he shouldn’t have relied on a stranger to sort out his day for him. That was potentially a bad decision on his part.

“Why?” She asked.

“Well, it’s just that if there’s going to be a lot of people then potentially someone might recognise me and especially if I’m going to be stuck in a room with them for a while I just don’t really know how well that is going to go because I wasn’t thinking that I’d have to be-” His words came out in a garbled rush, and eventually she interrupted him to stop him from freaking out.

  She shushed him for a moment, putting her hand on his shoulder to pull him out of his thoughts for a second. “I bought all of the tickets for an hour.” She said. He stared at her in surprise, his brain trying to catch up to how exactly that would assist him.

“What?” He asked, still wide-eyed and worried.

“Nobody else can come in for an hour, I paid to book the place out.” She explained.

He understood what she meant now. But as soon as the understanding washed over him, so did the realisation that she hadn’t paid for anything. “Hey, wait! I didn’t say you could do that!”

“I thought someone as incredibly famous-” Her voice was laced with sarcasm at that part, “as you would prefer this to a café where it was just open to whoever.” She had already stowed all of her stuff away in some tiny cubby system that they had and was putting hand sanitiser on.

“Well… I do. But that’s beside the point!” He tried to be annoyed, but he just found himself laughing. It felt pretty nice knowing that he wasn’t going to be interrupted for the next little while, though it felt nicer knowing that she’d considered him before dragging him somewhere.

  The inside of the room that the cats were in was very homely. Lots of blankets and pillows thrown over plush lounge suites, it was pretty much built for comfort. Minus all of the shelves on the wall everywhere that Matty thought might be a concussion hazard for him if he wasn’t paying attention. Once he was sitting down on one of the couches it was much easier for him to calm himself down from the height of panic he had built up in his mind. He took a few moments to just breathe, watching as she walked straight over to one of the cats and sat down next to it. She looked like she was talking to it but he couldn’t hear what she was saying from where he was situated. The room had quiet background music playing, but other than that it was incredibly quiet. Peaceful. The glass window blocked out most of the noise from the busy street outside. It wasn’t long before the order that she had placed was carried in on a little tray by the person who had served them. He spied two decent sized drinks and two muffins. He hadn’t even considered if he was hungry or not but upon the sight of food his stomach clearly remembered that it hadn’t had breakfast, growling in approval. Y/N/N grabbed the two drinks with a quick thank you and walked over to where Matty was still sitting.

  “I know you said you felt like a coffee but I dunno, I just felt like a tea might sit better?” She said as she passed him one of the two cups. “And the interview is right over lunch so I figured some food would be nice.” She gestured to the two muffins sitting on the table.

“Thanks.” He said as he beamed up at her. “A good decision on all accounts.” A contented feeling settled itself in his chest. He figured he probably didn’t want to think about the origins of that right now. Putting it down to being in the moment, he changed the topic. “You know these cats?” He asked around a mouthful of muffin as he looked over to an orange one that was approaching him.

“Yeah. Been coming here for a while.” She sighed, taking a seat next to him on the couch. “Since it opened actually.” She reached out to pat it.

“Customer loyalty. I like it.” He commented as he took a sip of his drink.

“Sucker for felines, more like.” She scoffed.

  They sat in a comfortable silence, exchanging the odd comment here and there. Mostly she just ignored him and sat with various cats within the café. So, he just watched her and enjoyed her enthusiasm for the animals as he finished his drink and muffin. The peace and quiet was nice, and the even nicer company put him in a better mood than he would’ve expected it to. Being surrounded by cats was also surprisingly enjoyable - they held a comforting nature about them. He held nothing against the animals, they just weren’t a personal favourite. The café had done a good job of filling the time and brought them to quarter to twelve by the time they arrived back at the radio station offices.

“I’ll just wait out the front for you.” She had said as he approached the doors.

“No, no. You have to come with me.” He protested, grabbing her hand and urging her to come with him.

“Nuh uh, no way.” She pulled her hand back, shaking her head. “You said I was here just to kill time in between your interviews.” She reminded him.

“I can’t face those savages in there alone.” He said with a pout.

  They were in a stand-off for a moment, neither of them wanting to give in. She didn’t overly want to be pulled in any further to the antics that Matthew Healy seemed to create simply by being in a room. Finally, she rolled her eyes with an exaggerated groan. “Fine, I’ll come with you.” She said, watching as an excited grin made its way across his face. “But I am in no way being affiliated with your press stuff.” She added sternly.

“I can’t promise what wild conclusions they will jump to about a rock star walking in with a girl on his arm.” He flipped his shades back over his eyes as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and dragged her through the doors with him.

“Let go of me.” She huffed as she shoved him in the chest. He just laughed loudly and took his arm away, but she didn’t stand any less close. 

  They signed in at the front desk, scrawling a few details into some random clipboard. Matty had told her to just write down his label name under her reason for being with him. After that they were ushered down some hallways into a studio and told to wait outside until they were waved through. It wasn’t that long before that happened, and straight away Matty went and took the empty seat at the other side of the room next to one of the mics, slipping the large headset on. He seemed like he’d done this a million times, but she supposed he probably had. So, she just stood back near the door and leant against the wall until he was done. The interview seemed pretty stock standard to any other interview she had ever heard: chat about the new album, chat about the hits that are being played at the moment, ask how tour is going and how he enjoys the city. It wasn’t until they got into the parts about his drug addiction and Matty started cranking out his extensive vocabulary that it seemed to be quite a revealing escapade. But he seemed unphased the whole time he spoke about quite personal topics.

  “We asked our listeners what they wanted to know when you were on the show, Matty, and we have had a few fan questions sent in.” The radio presenter pulled out a small stack of cards from next to his screen.

“Go for it.” Matty nodded. He’d had pretty much everything thrown at him in interviews by this point in his career.

“What has been your favourite show of the tour?” He asked.

He thought about this for a couple of seconds, smiling down at the mic. “Last night was pretty good.” He shrugged.

“Ah, you’re only just saying that because you’re still here!” The presenter guy said with a casual laugh. He just shrugged in response, opting not to elaborate on his answer. “Which is your favourite of your tattoos?” He continued as he read one of his cards.

“The one on my chest for my nana.” He answered confidently as he pointed at it.

The presenter let out a low chuckle, pausing for a second before leading into his next question, “Your favourite sexual position?”

He laughed loudly with a scoff, “Nah, you’re not having that.”

  “That’s the answer you won’t tell them?” She mumbled quietly from the other side of the studio, only half listening as she stared down at her phone while she waited. He’d told them just about everything else at this point, why was that where he had stopped? After that Matty found himself tuning out the interviewer, fishing around in his pocket for his phone and quickly typing out a text message.

“It’s just all about balance, y’know?” He answered offhandedly, having not heard the question he was answering at all. The interviewer seemed happy enough with his answer, though. She saw the text message preview as soon as it came through.

12:13pm Why tell you when I could show you?

How in the hell had he even heard her from across the room with a headset on? She knew full well as soon as she read it that he was watching her - she could feel his stare practically drilling a hole through her skull. When she eventually looked across the room at him, the smile on his face was somewhere between smug and suggestive. She blushed and went back to looking at her phone in silence until he was finally done.

  He said his goodbyes and walked out of the interview, flashing a shit eating grin her way as they started walking back the way they had come. “So…” He started, drawing it out as he leaned towards her. “How was your first interview?”

“Fuck you.” She muttered, refusing to meet his insistent gaze.

He gave a short laugh. “You could if you’d like.” He said as he nudged her shoulder. “That was the point.”

“You’re literally insufferable.” She continued.

“But yet, here you still are.” His grin was unwavering as he said bye to the receptionist on their way out. “Waiting for me to finish the interview. Waiting for me after the show.”

“Quite possibly the worst.” They had reached the door at this point, and she was half tempted to go home just to stick it to him.

  “I am arrogant, pretentious, egotistical and a right wanker sometimes. I can beat you to the punch on all of that, I know all these things already.” He lit another cigarette as they stood on the side of the road. She just looked up at him, shaking her head.

“Who lets you get away with being like this?” She asked in disbelief.

He let go of the smoke he was holding in his lungs before speaking, “People who enable me.” He said with a pointed look in her direction. He was right. She hadn’t left yet. Which wasn’t exactly the right conditioning for discouraging negative behaviours. Why hadn’t she left yet? She was suddenly reminded of all of the thoughts that she had been shoving to the back of her mind. “Fancy a drink before the next interview?” He asked before she could think about it for too long.

She nodded enthusiastically, “I feel like I fucking need one.”

  They had nearly two hours until the second interview, which wasn’t too far away from where they already were. As much as she had no idea where the address was exactly, she was sure it wouldn’t be too difficult to locate. Worst comes to worst; Uber was a thing. She let him do the navigating to find a bar that they could get a drink in. It wasn’t long before he found one that he deemed suitable enough. It seemed to have some classic vibes with lots of wooden accents. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever actually been there before. They both took a seat up at the bar. “What’s your poison? Wine?” He suggested, looking over at her for approval.

She shook her head, “No.” He let out an offended gasp.

“Whiskey?” He asked instantly with an eyebrow raised.

She made an active gagging noise, “God no.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. “Vodka?” He finally proposed as the bartender walked over.

“Now we’re talking.” She nodded. He ordered a vodka and coke for each of them, tapping his glass to hers before taking a swig of it.

  They finished their first drink in silence and he instantly ordered a second round. An outsider would’ve assumed by the speed that they were drinking, that they were two people looking to drown their sorrows. But it was more like two people trying to sort out what the hell was happening in their own minds. Matty always went through phases of inner reflection, this was no different to the other numerous times he had already done it today. Just this time he had the drink that he wanted to have during all the other times. He had a vague idea of where his head was at but currently wasn’t sure of his overall motives in the grand scheme of things. Y/N/N sat there trying to establish what had happened since the night prior, working out where this whole thing was going to leave her. The outlook seemed bleak. “Matty?” She asked eventually.

“Mm?” He looked across to her.

She swallowed her nerves as best she could to confront the question that had been bothering her the most: “What is your end game with this?”

  “With what?” He asked innocently.

“This.” She gestured between them. He let out a silent ‘oh’. It was a question that he himself had been trying to avoid, as well. “Eventually, you go home, right? And last I checked; you weren’t single.”

He raised his eyebrows at her comment, “You’ve checked?” He asked in amusement.

“No, I-” She started, letting out a huff of annoyance. “That’s not what you’re meant to take away from that.”

“But it is what I’m taking away from that.” He all but giggled. “You’ve googled if I was single or not.” She swatted his hand away before he could bother her more than he already was.

“It’s just an expression.” She argued.

“Is it, though?” He asked with a cheeky grin.

“Matty,” She said finally, the tone in her voice catching his attention. “would you just be serious for five seconds?”

  “I, erm…” He ran a hand through his hair, letting out the breath he didn’t realise he was holding. “Yeah, sorry.” He nodded finally, taking a large gulp of his drink and clearing his throat.

“So?” She prompted. He took in a few slow breaths, thinking of the best words to get his thoughts out coherently. It was a couple of moments of silence before he finally spoke, staring down at the bar as he did so.

“I don’t enjoy being vulnerable to people, not right off the bat and especially not during work - song writing being the exception, obviously. It makes my job a lot harder than it has to be, to be like that in interviews and during shows. Truly vulnerable, I mean. All of the heroin addiction and rehab stuff, that’s all already out there at this point. Half of the skeletons in my closet are already in my songs or in the headlines.” Matty waved his hand dismissively, “I have practically already scripted answers to deal with a lot of that shit... But the shit that I don’t want people finding out? Where my head and heart are at any given time? It’s easier to hide behind arrogance and my ego than to admit that stuff. Like how people say they’re fine when really, they’re not, so that people don’t ask them difficult questions. If they think I’m a bit of a dickhead, they think those things don’t matter to me. Doing that and having good company,” He nudged her shoulder with his own. “makes it easier for me to not have to think about things that drag me down. That’s why I was grateful that you came out with me today.”

She took a moment to process his answer. “As much as the transparency about why you’re such a twat sometimes is appreciated, that doesn’t answer the original question.” She reminded.

  “Well, to answer the simple ones first: I am meant to fly back home tonight and to satisfy your creepy googling,” She kicked his shin at that remark, earning a short chuckle out of him. “I am single. My girlfriend left me a couple of months ago. You have to keep that to yourself, though.” He admitted quietly. There was a long moment of silence between them, he was clearly not fully ready to deal with that yet. She felt like maybe she should offer some form of condolences, but when she opened her mouth to do so he continued. “See? This is what I meant about being vulnerable. Now I feel shitty.” He laughed.

She decided it might be easier on the both of them to skip the ‘I’m sorry to hear that’s and move along. “And? The other bit?” She asked.

He let out a heavy sigh. “I enjoy your company and being around you, but not to be that guy and quote my own shit-” He started.

“Are you trying to say that you aren’t that guy normally?” She interrupted.

“You said you wanted to be serious.” He pointed out. She nodded, mumbling a quick ‘sorry’. “And I definitely am that guy, but - it seems that lately, if I choose, then I lose. If I tell you to go away, I end up by myself in a city I don’t know looking for an escape from my thoughts. If I tell you to stay, I’m leading you on, aren’t I?” He questioned, finishing the rest of his drink and calling the bartender over for another.

  She waited for him to continue, but he didn’t.

“Are you?” He looked over at her to elaborate. “Leading me on?” She wasn’t overly sure what she wanted his answer to be, but hearing his response would probably help her get her own brain in order.

“Truthfully? I don’t really know the answer to that.” He confessed with a shrug. The mood had dropped since this particular conversation had begun between them. The drinks flowed quietly for a few more minutes, the sounds of the bar and the street nearby filling the void. He was halfway through his fourth now and she was just starting her third. She had no idea where his answers left her. To be honest, she felt it was probably still in much the same place that she had been in fifteen minutes ago: still confused and unsure what the next step was if he wanted to keep acting how he was.

  “Sorry that I couldn’t offer you a solid answer there.” Matty apologised. She looked over at him to see him looking quite sorry for himself as he stared into his glass. His sunglasses on his head were not doing a good job of keeping his hair out of his eyes, and his typical jovial demeanour that she was getting used to was nowhere to be seen. “My life isn’t really in a spot to be making grand plans right now. At the moment I’m just trying to make it to next week in one piece.” He explained before glancing up to meet her gaze, holding it for a moment before speaking, “And I feel like you wanted a different reaction.”

She tried to work out what would’ve happened in her own mind had he given a definitive answer. Had he said he wasn’t interested and he was just flirting for the sake of it? That was fine. She’s known this guy for one day, it’s no skin off her back to forget about him once he leaves. Had it turned out that he was just trying to get in her pants for a fling while he was away on tour? She probably wasn’t about to say yes to it, but it would’ve at least been reassuring to know where his head was at. Had he been legitimately interested, though? That was the one that stumped her. And the fact that he was unable to confirm which of the three he actually wanted left her with more questions than answers. At the end of the day he wanted company in some capacity, but she wanted to know if providing that was going to leave her worse for wear at the end of the day. “I don’t actually know what I wanted out of that question.”

  “What is your end game? Why are you out here drinking with troubled musicians?” He asked, taking a swig of his drink for emphasis.

“I… am not really sure.” She confessed.

A snigger fell from his lips, “What do you mean you’re not sure?” He was used to people trying to take advantage of having someone of celebrity status around. To not have some ulterior motive was unusual to say the least.

“I sort of just tried to ignore it until about twenty minutes ago.” She explained.

He let out a spluttered laugh of surprise, “What?”

“You came on really strong really fast and I was in no way prepared to deal with that!” She threw her hands up defensively, trying her best to not sound as hopeless about it as she felt. But she did find herself chuckling along with him. “I just tried to forget about it and go with the flow until I worked out what you were trying to do.”

“How could you ask me that question without having an answer yourself?” He accused her in between his laughs.

“You started it!” She said as she poked him harshly in the shoulder. “I figured you had a plan!”

He nearly fell off of his barstool at that from how hard he was laughing, “It’s the fucking blind leading the blind out here.” At that, they were both in stitches from the amount of laughter falling from their lips. It felt good to have the tense atmosphere begin to dissipate and for things to start to feel like they had been.

  As their laughter died down, Matty tried to get the conversation at least kind of back on the rails. “So, if you don’t know what you want at the end, what do you want now?” He asked.

“Well, you go home tonight. Nothing can happen in one night.” She answered with a shrug.

He let out a loud scoff, “Plenty of things can happen in one night. Especially if you know what you’re doing.” He added with a suggestive look.

“How has nobody gotten you in trouble for how you act?” She asked with a shake of her head.

“Us rock stars get away with some incredible things.” He flipped his shades back down over his eyes as he said it, as if to prove a point that he was a proper celebrity. “If there was more time?” He continued.

“But there’s not.”

“Hypothetically.”

“Matty-”

“Indulge me.”

She let out a deep sigh, trying not to be swayed by the excitement swirling in his eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe something could come of it, if you knew what you wanted.” His smile split into a grin so she cut him off before he could say anything more. “Maybe. I like your company so I wouldn’t rule it out.” She glanced down at her phone, catching sight of the time.

“I’ll take that. Maybe is good.” He nodded, mostly saying it to himself.

  “We gotta get going if you’re gonna make it to this other interview.” She said as she stood up from the bar. He glanced from her back to their empty drinks still on the counter.

“We can’t just stay and keep drinking?” He asked in disappointment.

“I mean… It’s your interview. I can do whatever I want.” She said with a short laugh. He got up from his chair and grabbed his things, starting to head for the door.

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go. Come on.” He grumbled as he rolled his eyes. As they stepped outside, he pulled the slip of paper out of his pocket again to verify the details. “I don’t like written interviews.” He said mostly to himself as he scrunched up his face in distaste. He followed after her as she started walking in the direction that he assumed was towards the building he needed to be in shortly. “They take what I say out of context too frequently and easily.”

“Gotta grab the readers with those catchy headlines and that mis-quoted information.” She joked, nudging him with her elbow.

He let out a sarcastic laugh in response before speaking, “Half of the time I’m sure it’s because they can’t spell the words I’ve used.”

“You have to dumb it down for them, Matty.” She explained, “Lowest common denominator and all that.”

He laughed at her comment. “But that’s not me. I’m the pretentious twat, remember?”

“Like you’d ever let me forget it.” She said with a mocking smile, he just smiled back warmly.

  The office that the second interview was being held in wasn’t as close as the first was, but it was still within walking distance. Matty had spent most of the walk trying to remember his best airtight answers that couldn’t be chopped and changed. They got there with fifteen minutes to spare.

“You’re allowed to wait out the front for this one.” He said quietly as he snuffed out the cigarette he had been smoking on their walk under his shoe.

“Gee, thanks.” She scoffed.

“No, I…” He started as he turned to her, trying to backtrack over how that sounded. “You know that’s not what I meant by that.” He said with a pointed look over his sunglasses. “I’d rather not give them anything more than I have to. It’ll be easier if you don’t come in.” He explained. In the short while she’d known him, she hadn’t exactly seen Matty be serious, and for a while it seemed like he was physically incapable of it. Out of the two times it had happened, one was when she had to ask him to be serious and the second was currently happening right now on this sidewalk. He seemed genuinely worried about this interview.

“Yeah, sure thing.” She agreed, suddenly feeling stupid for giving him shit about it.

“Thank you.” He said with a nod and small smile. “I’ll be back soon.” He said as he walked through the glass doors of the building.

  This interview felt a lot longer than the radio one had. She tried to keep herself occupied but kept finding herself checking the entrance to see when he was finally done. After about half an hour she saw the familiar mop of curly hair approaching the doors. “How did it go?” She asked as he stepped back outside, lighting a cigarette almost instantly. He shrugged with a grunt. “Amazingly I take it.” She said sarcastically.

“Let’s go.” He mumbled, heading back in the direction of the train station that they had come from. He felt like he needed a drink, or to get stoned, or something to distract from the way that he felt his answers were being mistreated in that interview. He knew their tricks at this point in his career. Knew how they baited their questions for the right phrases and he tried his best to avoid them. But for every question he worked out how to get around, they found a new one to throw at him that he wasn’t prepared for. And that was always the one that made headlines. He knew that his want to get inebriated in some way, shape or form probably wasn’t likely to happen right now, so heading back to his hotel and sorting his shit out to go home was probably the next most reasonable thing to do.

  It was nearly four before they were sat back down on the train on the way back to his hotel. They had walked most of the way there quietly while he beat himself up over the interview, but he was finally starting to feel his mood calm down as his brain wandered to other questions. Namely about present company sitting next to him. This was why he needed company, to help keep his brain grounded. “Was this out of your way?” He asked, breaking the silence. She looked at him curiously, urging him to continue. “To come out here today, I mean.”

“Ah. Not really.” She said with a shrug. “I try not to make plans after working a show because of how late they can go. And I live maybe… thirty minutes total travel time away from here? Near the airport.” She answered. He nodded in understanding. He vaguely remembered how long it had taken him to get to his hotel from the airport when they’d first flown in. The rest of the walk to his hotel was filled with them asking generic getting-to-know-you questions that they probably should’ve asked yesterday in an attempt to learn at least basic facts about one another. They knew pretty much next to nothing about each other. He knew that she liked his music and was easy to rile up. She knew that he was funny and in a band. That was about it.

  She noted that he hadn’t seemed himself during their conversation as they made it back to his hotel. He was much quieter and a lot less high-energy than what she had seen previously. But she didn’t feel too chipper either now that they were about to part ways for good, and his final interview appeared to have been a sour note to end his day on. As they both stood in front of his hotel, the atmosphere between them felt tense. “Well…” She started, unsure of what exactly to say. Goodbyes were always awkward. “Have a safe flight, I guess.”

The offer to invite her up to his room briefly crossed his mind, but he thought better of it. She’d only turn him down, anyway. He figured being genuine and leaving on the right note was probably the better way to go. “Thanks for the company these last couple of days.” He said, taking his shades off and slipping them into his pocket.

She shrugged. “It’s no problem, really.”

“Maybe not, but I still appreciated it.” He said as he pulled her into a tight hug. “Keep in touch.” He mumbled into the side of her hair.

“You too, Matty.” She smiled as she hugged him back.

“I mean it.” He added quietly as he moved back, flashing a serious look her way before properly letting go. As quickly as she had seen the sincere look in his eyes, it was replaced by a suggestive grin. “Make sure you have my number saved for those lonely nights.” He winked.

“I will make sure to promptly delete it.” She nodded, rolling her eyes as she started making her way home. “Bye, Matty!” She called with a wave over her shoulder.

“Bye, Y/N/N.” He laughed, heading into his hotel. 

  Last Chapter

Next Chapter

[sybilius]

@chanelpirate replied to your post “shiny-good-rock replied to your photo “@shiny-good-rock I don’t think...”

God tell me about it that stats page. has to remind me not to get out the old stats textbook and overanalyse

I will admit to succumbing to the devil’s urge to compute my kudos/hits ratio when I posted this page lmfaaaooo

Why user subscribe if I may ask? 

This got long and is personal rather than what I think anyone should use to assess their own work. Under a cut it goes!

Hums, I think I think of it as, among a flawed set of metrics for “how is my writing going towards something eminently readable and compelling” as the best of a dodgy lot.

I mean, in terms of why I write, it’s to please myself first and foremost, then to please the Smol group of people who Love the Fandom, and then past that -- well, I am interested in writing some kind of room of my own someday (and am currently working on it). So how good is my writing, independent of fandom?

Kudos I think most reflect passing interest -- what do many people know about, right now? A well-thought out comment still means the most to me out of anything, but you can’t quantify the meaning of a comment in a number. So even “number of comment threads” doesn’t mean much to me. I can have a comment that’s about as “hey, nice!” to me as a kudo-- not that I don’t appreciate both, I do! But that’s as an acknowledgement of a particular piece of writing, which I assume if you’re looking at stats page, you’re trying to get a sense of how the greater whole feels about all of your writing. 

And here I’m supposing if I’m looking at the stats page, I want to get some feel for how my writing is doing overall. Kudos/hits ratio IS a common metric for that, but as I said in an earlier post, disproportionately favors posting many shorter works. And for that matter, I feel like many shorter works are what people go looking for on Ao3 in any case; so I might be getting inflated numbers in that department simply by virtue of my predeliction for writing 6 chapter fics under 50 k. 

Bookmarks I am in fact fond of, but I recognize that some people use bookmarks as a REC FOREVER list (as I do--- if I have bookmarked a fic of yours, I like it VERY very much) -- and some just use it to..save fic. So I’m fond of bookmark tags, but it’s similar to comments in that the number alone doesn’t reflect much for me.

Individual work subscriptions are influenced by whether a fic is completed or not, so that one doesn’t hold much sway for me. 

But I dunno, I find “User Subscription” so flattering, mostly because I write for several different obscure fandoms, so I always feel like a user ‘scrip says “hey, I like your writing, I’ll take a look at what you do regardless of fandom”. Of course, because I write for obscure fandoms, it might also say “you’re the only goddamn person writing this, I’ll wait around for you to do something new” but to be honest, I’m happy with that too in a way. I have a lot of love for the fandoms I write for; so I’m happy whether the reason someone has clicked “user subscribe” is “writing great” or “she writes for That Fandom Almost No One Does”. 

Anyways, this is all to say, stats numbers are fake and you should make whatever narrative of them helps you write better! or none at all! thank u for coming to my ted talk

[firebirdsdaughter]

Okay, so...

... Now that I have a clearer Raw I can pause...

LONG POST

Ryusoulger Episode 1 reactions! Aka, the episode that decided to come for my life.

In no particular order:

Okay, so maybe it’s a little ‘hm’ that Kou pilots the mech entirely on his own. But it’s not the first time anyone has piloted a mech alone--including non-Ranger allies. The first person who springs to mind is Commander Aya from Jetman. In GoGo V, the robot assistant Mint piloted the robot alone once. And besides, it’s only the first episode. We’ve got plenty of time for the others to get in there.

I’ll be honest. I knew the Masters were probably going to die. At the very least, I knew something bad was going to happen to them.

What I was NOT expecting was THAT.

Ryusoulger scores one for on-screen death and incineration.

First fight of the new Robo Suit Actor (I feel so bad I forget his name). Thank you for your service Kusaka Hideaki, I wish you all the best.

But let’s go back to the beginning!

Dramatic ceremony that apparently no one else is around to witness.

Wait, so if Mynasouls/Minusouls are already being made/Druidon already showing up, and just have never reached the tribe before... Does that mean Touwa and Banba have just been doing a really bang up job of fighting them off? I mean, I expect the stakes are raising sharply now, but... Could cause tension in the team if there’s a ‘the only reason you guys had a peaceful life for so long was us’ sort of thing.

Also, Kou having a little bit of prankster in him is super cute. Are you and Touwa going to get into prank wars that drive the others nuts?

Random fact I didn’t notice before? In the opening, when the others are flying all over the place and Banba is just sleeping? He’s holding two RyusoulKen. The boy is freaking holding his brother’s sword for him, that’s so cute.

I’ll see if I can’t use this video to get a shot of the pendant looking like it’s changing colours and put it at the bottom, okay?

It has since come to my attention by rewatching this that Mystery Scarf Person is standing next to a torch that looks similar to the ones used in the ceremony scene this episode, which could indicate that he is Gold. Or... Related to the tribe, at the very least.

But the most important question to ask as to whether he’s Gold... Does he has Chainsaw?

I am never going to get over that chainsaw thing.

Also looks like we may have Druidon we haven’t seen yet, which doesn’t surprise me. Tank dude is clearly going to be Kou’s rival, but maybe one of the other Druidon was responsible for what happened to Banba and/or Touwa’s Master? (assuming Touwa had one and wasn’t solely trained by his brother)

I’m loving that little shot where it’s Ui sitting alone and then the others come over to her and it looks like they’re encouraging her (well, Banba just stands in the back bc he’s a grump but also solidarity) and then they all look at the sky. I live for the implications that there’s going to be a theme of companionship in this series bc I LOVE FRIENDSHIP. I LOVE FOUND FAMILY. And given how they trio (and possibly the brothers, too) lost people so important to them at the start, I think they’re all gonna need it.

I like them cutting the logo free. I also like the way it looks like stained glass for a hot second before becoming the usual red and yellow.

Sentai mooks continue to be distracted by pretty lights and it remains their downfall.

Kou! Don’t break the camera!

Dan seems pretty fussed that Druidon showed up. But... If he knew that the other two had gone to fight them, shouldn’t he already know that?

Hey, look! There’re other people!

Aw! Kou is trying to be comforting!

And... Gets shoved into the mountain. I love these three.

Oh my gosh, he tries to tackle Ui, but she just bops away, I love her.

Well, we’ve found the source of the bananas.

I love Melt hiding the banana behind his back like it’s incriminating evidence...

I think Kou is looking to the other two for help here and they just abandon him. God, he’s so adorable, though, I just wanna pinch his cheeks.

Also that fraction of a  second ‘I got myself into this’ face right before the cut to commercial. XD

WHY DOES HE HAVE A HAMMER? WHAT DOES THE HAMMER SAY?

The Masters are on a nature walk!

No, I’m kidding, they’re probably on patrol or something. But it looks like they’re on a nature walk.

Wouldn’t it be funny of one of the other Masters, if they exist, was played by the Ichimonji of the KR NEXT films? Is he even still acting?

Not the ankles!

Do the Masters have other names?

Why does Tank dude being in the temple cancel their transformations?

What I love about this fight is that Master Red and Kou are clearly worried about each other. Red yells for Kou when he’s thrown, and Kou tries to protect his mentor. It’s cute!

Until tragedy strikes.

Is Kou ever gonna be able to hear ‘Tata Soul’ again w/out thinking of this?

God... It was a gut punch when Red got hit by those slashes, but I was not expecting Pink and Blue to get fire breathed.

Also, yeah, there were better ways to do that, but that’s always true w/ diving saves. Maybe they didn’t thank they could pull them out of the way in time?

The complete silence was a good choice. IS this the same director responsible for that scene in Build where Misora tells the others Kazumi is dead? Bc this reminded me of that. If so... Man, you do ‘characters losing someone indescribably important to them’ very well.

I’m still not entirely convinced we’ve seen the last of them. Maybe only in flashbacks or as spirits, but you’re telling me you hired Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Mask/Kamen Rider Ibuki, and even an alternate version of Hongo Takeshi/some other dude from Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (?) to kill them off in one episode? After those press announcements? Maybe they were trying to cover up what was gonna happen, but I’m not convinced. I mean, maybe their previous parts aren’t that big a deal, but it really seems like the went for a bit of name-recognition there... Are they gonna throw that away after one ep?

I will not deny I was emotionally encouraging Kou to get up and kick Tank dude’s ass right there. You can do it, sweetie!

Tank dude gives a speech while Mushroom creature is greatly distressed in the background.

See above for my feelings regarding Kou piloting the mech alone here.

Also the first time I watched I wasn’t thinking about that I was too busy crying.

Also I guess Tyramigo does talk, but... He seems fairly... Well, he doesn’t talk much. He’s got, like, two lines. I’d kind of like a serious, more ‘stern’ red rex. Hmm... Maybe the personalities of the Kishiryu reflect the predecessors’?

So here’s the jam. Doe you predecessor have to die for you to be the ‘true’ inheritor of the RyuSouls? Did Elder know this? If so... You dickwad.

Kou giving Tyramigo pets on the nose was super cute. I think I would kill for Tyramigo.

Also pretty sure I would kill for Kou, he’s very cute and now I love this actor.

Still very distracted by the way the Elder’s wig does not match his beard. What the hell, costuming?

So here’s my question. Do the special coloured Souls absorb the souls of the Ryusoulgers who die while tied to them? Are gonna have an ep where the team have to go ‘inside’ them or, like, summon the souls out of them, AtLA style? Are we gonna meet the original Ryusoulgers at some point?

Okay, but... The Elder uses the word ‘nakama’ when telling the trio about Touwa and Banba? At least, I think he does... Doesn’t that usually have ‘friendly’ connotations? Makes it seem like the two are less straight up ‘deserters’ and just... I dunno, went through the apparently necessary rite of passage of having your mentor/predecessor die before the others and were allowed to leave? I’m confused.

I don’t know why we needed to transform here, but I love the dancing mechs.

Also they did do a ‘three swords’ version of the ‘swords of justice’ thing. I am literally going to start crying--for very different reasons than this time--the first time all five of them do it together.

Still sad I didn’t get to see my boys in the preview, but at least I know they’re coming soon.

Also still can’t get a read on whether we’ll be hiding our identities this season. I kind of like it when they do do that, it adds another layer of tension to things, but it’s fine if they don’t, too.

Looks like Pink is gonna be yeeting her boys.

I’m liking this so far and I can’t wait for all my children to get together.

On the ED: I live for the dancing mechs. I could spend hours analysing everyone’s reaction to the cartoon Soul meteors. That was adorable. Still don’t know why Banba has different dance choreography, but it’s cute.

Digital french toast and pancakes for anyone who read all that.

All in all, I’m enjoying myself. I don’t usually cry at shows, but I just... I wasn’t expecting it to go that far. This is someone who directed some of Build, I suppose. I think we’re in for more agony.

And I love it. XD

Okay, so... (Ignore my boys screaming in the background please--not the most flattering picture of Banba I know, but leave him alone he’s sad DX)

So... It’s definitely just the way it disappears, but... The other three colour don’t do that? So either it was just a style choice bc there’s only two colours on this side and three on the other and I’m overanalysing, or...

Also. I. I just noticed the water bubbles. Or are those meant to be tears.

WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS MEAN BUILD MAN?

[quickchangeartist]

92 Questions Tag

Tagged by: @shadowbanish (thank you! <3)

Answer the questions and tag 20 people.

Shit, uhhhhhh... I dunno about 20. That seems like a whole hell of a lot. @ammonia-jane, @manticorefruit, @pink-reindeer, @ghartokpadhome, @ashadahlen, @ashtraska, @onepartpartyonepartmachine, @happilynerevarafter, @relvinmeru, @julei-zu, @aforgottenchampion, @jerallmountains, @sonofqueen, @hardbittenhearts, @aramis-stilt0n, @snowelves, @automatomicatomaton, @dunmeritude, @sithisit, @chameleonspell HEY WE DID IT (Disregard if you want, tho, cos this is a lot of questions and all)

THE LAST: 1. Drink: Tea, with a lot of sugar and milk. 2. Phone call: @ammonia-jane, actually, because I’d missed the bus and made myself late.  3. Text message: “A miserable pile of secrets.”  4. Song you listened to: “Maker Of My Sorrow” by Eliza Rickman 5. Time you cried: Probably yesterday morning, or the night before.

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Like, gone on two dates or dated them, broke up, then dated them again? Either way, yes. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Oh man, yeah. Many people I’ve kissed have not been good at it, regardless. 8. Been cheated on: Yeeeeeaahh actually that sort of happens a lot? I often wonder about that, and whether that’s why I just plain don’t much mind being fucked around on, maybe I just see it as a natural consequence. Or maybe I’m just poly and I shouldn’t overanalyse the whys so much. 9. Lost someone special: Yeah. 10. Been depressed: Bruh. Come on, now. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Lol. Yeah. LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Red 13. Black 14. That sort of deep reddish purple that you only get on certain kinds of plum at very precise times of the year. IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yeah! I’m really bad at keeping them, though. 16. Fallen out of love: Nope! 17. Laughed until you cried: Yes 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Nah. Either they cover shit up properly, or I’m just not that interesting to talk about. Also, I’m pretty obtuse to be fair. 19. Met someone who changed you: Not in the last year, but they’re still around?20. Found out who your friends are: I wasn’t in doubt? Damn, some of you must have much more drama-filled lives than I do. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Idk? Probably. I think I gave @manticorefruit a smooch on their hat the other week. I kissed Voltaire after a concert a month or two back.

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I don’t really know? Probably not more than half, though. 24. Do you want to change your name: I planned to change to my current name, Daniel, for the duration of transitioning, then change to Casimir once my surgery was done with. Then a friend of mine turns up with a Friendship Tattoo with ‘Daniel’ right there on his forearm and I’m just like. Welp.  25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I hung out at my mate’s place and drank gin and ate a delicious earl grey-flavored cake with “Happy fuckin’ Birthday aye” written on it in purple icing. That cake lasted for two weeks, it was enormous. 26. What time did you wake up: It should be 7am, lately it’s between 10am and 1pm because life is a series of mistakes. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Probably something unspeakable. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: For @ammonia-jane to go to Texas so she can come back. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: She’s literally right here. My cat is sitting on her and she’s reading my old report cards from school 20 years ago. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Oh my fucking gods, where to fucking begin... How about I go back to being 17 and happy and not yet so crushingly mentally ill. That or give me $100,000. 31. What are you listening right now: My cat purring, also “The Wayward Wife” by The Merry Wives Of Windsor. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ...Shit, I don’t know. Maybe I haven’t?? 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My real estate agent hasn’t returned my emails OR my calls in going on a month now, despite sticking a demolition application notice on my damn lawn in the dark of night. Shitweasels. 34. Most visited Website: If not Tumblr, then probably UESP. LOST QUESTIONS 35. Mole/s: I think there’s one on the back of my neck maybe, and there’s one on the underside of one forearm. 36. Mark/s: Like... A bunch. Scar across my shoulder, scars all over my fingers and hands, big scar on my left thigh, nick on one wrist and between two knuckles on one hand I’ve had as long as I can remember, big flat scar on the sole of one foot, freckles on my shoulders (the ones on my face and forearms faded a lot when I became a Basement Goblin but the ones on my shoulders were from a SEVERE sunburn so I figure they’re there to stay), my stretchmarks are invisible now but holy fuck am I still super self-conscious about them, etc etc etc. 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a vet surgeon so much. 38. Haircolour: Right now? Henna-dyed red, it’s sort of brick-red now. 39. Long or short hair: I have a mohawk that’s long enough to reach the small of my back. So... Both? 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Sure <3 41. What do you like about yourself: My hands are pretty and I can do lots of things with them, like blacksmithing and carpentry and rude gestures. 43. Bloodtype: I THINK it’s O-? I can’t remember right now. It’s on some paperwork somewhere around here. 44. Nickname: Dan No, Dan Pls, Dan Would You Just Stop 45. Relationship status: I think they’re both going pretty well? 46. Zodiac: Aries  47. Pronouns: Neither He/Him/His or They/Them/Theirs feels ‘right’ but because English is a woeful pain in the ass, I’ll accept either of those. 48. Favourite TV Show: Right now it’s American Gods. 49. Tattoos: SOON. Once I get a new spot to live sorted out, I got some promises to keep. 50. Right or left hand: Right. 51. Surgery: Broken wrist, had a chunk carved out of my foot, had my thigh cauterised shut because I kept tearing the stitches and I decided I didn’t care. Had some bits and pieces extracted. Had broken tooth bits fished out of my jaw. At some point in the future there’ll be major chest surgery. 52. Hair dyed in different colour: SO MANY. I had to cool it with that once I started getting scared of my hair falling out. I used to be Billy Idol peroxide-white, though, I think that was the worst for it. 53. Sport: I don’t sport? I like watching Swordcraft battles. I think that’s a sport. 55. Vacation: The Murray River, up around Sunraysia, about 12km downriver from Loch 11. Not that I’ve thought about it at all. 56. Pair of trainers: I don’t know if I have any, actually. I wear my boots to death, though, they need resoling now I’ve ground the heels hollow again. MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Right now? Kabana and some baked beans. Whatever I could find in the kitchen. 58. Drinking: Cheap coke. 59. I’m about to: Write something, I hope, if my brain stays still. 61. Waiting for: Word back about the last rental lease we applied for. 62. Want: Not gonna lie, I would pay $50 for someone to come lie in bed with me and tell me it’s gonna be okay while we spoon and watch American Gods. 63. Get married: Afraid I can’t. Australia’s fun like that. 64. Career: *distant, bitter laughter* WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Depends on the person. It’s hard to screw up a hug, though. 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Depends on what I intend to do with them 68. Older or younger: Older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms, I have such a weird envy thing for good shoulders. 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive, because holy shit I am all nervous all the time and loud is bad for me 72. Hook up or relationship: Hmmm. I mean, both have their pros and cons. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I am naturally really cautious, so hesitant, I guess. HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: Yep 75. Drank hard liquor: Yessir. I got a bottle of gin beside my chair at all times, lately. Beautiful Tanqueray. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I don’t have either, though I probABLY REALLY SHOULD 77. Turned someone down: Yeah, it was so awkward. Poor thing, really. 78. Sex in the first date: Why wouldn’t I? 79. Broken someone’s heart: Ayyeh... Yeah, pretty often. I’m kind of garbage. 80. Had your heart broken: Yes. 81. Been arrested: No! A low bar, I know, but something I’m proud of. 82. Cried when someone died: Still doing it, now and then. 83. Fallen for a friend: Yes. DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Hah. I believe that other people believe in me and I don’t want to disappoint them, how’s that? 85. Miracles: In a way. I don’t think of them as miracles, though. 86. Love at first sight: Not the kind of love that ought to last. 87. Santa Claus: Nah 88. Kiss on the first date: Hell yeah smooches. 89. Angels: How christian-specific of you. OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: I always hated the idea that asking that question was normal and acceptable. Just makes other friends feel inadequate. 91. Eyecolour: Blue-grey, there’s a bit of brownish-gold around the middle I got from my mother. 92. Favourite movie: The Man Who Fell To Earth. It makes me cry a lot. Or Showgirls, because I cannot watch it without laughing, it’s a trainwreck that never stops giving.

[tran5rightsos]

You’ve Cut the Wrong Damn Wire - Chapter Eight

Tags and Warnings: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-Con

Word Count: 1631

Leave Kudos?

Calum trudged down the rows of headstones, the flowers in his arms bobbing gently in the sunlight as he pondered the fact that they didn’t know where they were going. Flowers didn’t plan for things like this. They didn’t grow from tiny seeds thinking about getting cut from their stems, wrapped in fancy paper and taken to cemeteries to rot over someone’s grave. Shit just happened to them.

Although he hadn’t been here since he got kicked out, Calum knew the path to his nan’s final resting place well. He used to visit at least monthly, usually when he was stressed about keeping his severe lack of straightness a secret. Looking back, he wondered if she’d suspected that he didn’t like girls, if she’d always been offering quiet support before he even knew that he needed it. As he laid the flowers down, he wondered if things would be different if she were still alive, if his parents would still talk to him, even if it was only over text.

As he made to leave, Calum noticed two men standing near some newer graves several rows away. He recognised Luke immediately, but the other guy was unfamiliar. It was hard to tell from so far away, but Luke looked almost angry. His expression cleared when he looked up and noticed Calum.

Holding up a hand in greeting, Calum wondered if it would be weird to say hi at a cemetery. He wouldn’t blame Luke if he wasn’t in the mood, but he did want to catch up at some point. He and Michael had barely spoken to him since Christmas and whenever Calum tried to make plans they claimed they were busy.

Fortunately, Luke said something to the man and started walking to him.

“Who was that?” Calum asked when he reached him, watching the guy stare at the grave in front of him for a moment before leaving.

“My uncle, Phil.”

“Didn’t know you had an uncle.”

“Me and Ethan used to live with him before…” He shuffled his feet and looked away.

“Sorry.”

As Phil got into his car, Luke stared at him, expression uncharacteristically unreadable.

“You okay?” Calum asked. Maybe they’d had an argument or something.

“I think he wants to...reconcile or something,” Luke said.

“Are you gonna let him?”

“Dunno.”

Calum nodded and looked at Nan’s grave. “Fair enough.”

“Who’s this?” Luke asked.

“My nan. She died when I was in primary school.”

“Sorry.”

“All good. Were you here to see Ethan?”

“Phil wanted to talk, so we met up at his grave,” Luke said.

“Good a place as any, I guess.”

“Yeah.”

Maybe Luke had been trying to make some kind of point to Phil, tell him that it was too late to say sorry or something, though Calum could only guess at all the shit Phil would have to apologise for. Luke had been miserable when he’d been living with him.

“How’s Michael?”

“He’s good. He missed his nan a lot when we were gone, so he’s happy to be spending time with her.”

Calum nodded. “So, uh…” He hesitated.

Luke looked at him.

“Did something happen at Christmas? I feel like we don’t see you guys anymore.”

Luke gave Calum a long look. “Michael just wants to be with his nan for as long as possible before she passes away. She’s been sick. Nothing against you.”

“Right, yeah no, of course.” Calum huffed a breath. “So it’s not something with him and Ash?”

“What d’you mean?”

“I think…” Calum looked away. “Ashton might be...cheating.”

Luke’s jaw dropped in surprise. “Seriously?”

“He’s been...different, you know?”

“And you reckon him and Michael…”

Calum looked at Luke. “Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to-” He fumbled for a way to save Luke’s feelings. “He might not be, I was probably just overanalysing shit, I don’t think Michael’s cheating on you.”

Luke looked surprised. “Me and Michael aren’t dating.”

“Oh.” Calum tried not to look too relieved.

“I love him to bits, but yeah, we’re not a thing. Neither are him and Ash. I would know if they were, he would’ve told me.”

“Oh.”

Well that was something, Calum supposed.

“Have you talked to him about it?”

Calum shook his head. “I guess I should, huh?”

Luke looked hesitant. “Won’t you just be hurt if he says he is?”

Calum stared. “What?”

Luke shrugged. “Maybe it’s better if you don’t know.”

That wasn’t the advice Calum was expecting. It was exactly what he already felt, but he knew that literally anyone would say he should try to communicate with Ashton and get his feelings out there. Anyone except Luke, apparently.

“You wanna get drinks with me?” Luke asked, “It’s getting late.”

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

Maybe it made sense that Luke would find the most non-confrontational option the most appealing. Calum would never ask, but from what he’d said at the cemetery, he suspected that Phil had been abusive. Luke was probably used to getting hurt for trying to talk things out. Maybe that was part of why he was so reluctant to open up about anything more personal than where he bought a nice shirt.

Even after a few more drinks than Calum had intended, Luke didn’t spill anything, choosing instead to gush about the time he and Michael went to a zoo and saw a lot of cute animals. Calum didn’t press him, he just smiled along and cooed at the photos Luke showed him. As much as he liked Luke, he didn’t really want to know too much about his personal life. A lot of it would likely be painful to hear.

Although it wasn’t very late when he got home, Ashton looked like he was about to freak out when Calum opened the door.

“Where the fuck you been?” he demanded, gripping Calum’s shoulders as his eyes raked over him.

“What the fuck, man, I was with Luke. Why are you throwing a hissy fit?”

“I thought something happened to you," Ashton said, surprising him with a tight hug, "Why were you with Luke?”

Calum pushed him away. “I saw him and his uncle at the cemetery and we got drinks.” He frowned. “Me and Luke. Not his uncle. Phil’s a prick.”

Ashton had deflated a little, but a hint of panic remained in his demeanour. “I’ve been texting you all-”

“I asked him if you were cheating on me.” Apparently he was finally drunk enough to have this conversation. He went to the couch and flopped down, checking his phone and realising he’d forgotten to turn it back on after leaving the cemetery.

Ashton followed him, but stayed standing. “What?”

“You and Michael were acting weird and I thought you might’ve been fucking behind my back and had a fight, but Luke says he’d know about it if you did, so I dunno what the fuck is going on with you but at least you aren’t dragging them into it, I guess.”

Ashton frowned and nudged Calum to sit up so he could sit next to him. “You think I’m cheating on you?” he asked softly.

“You don’t talk to me like you used to,” Calum mumbled, “And you keep staying out late and making shit up when I ask where you’ve been and taking weird trips and coming back acting normal again. And you’re different when we fuck.”

Ashton made to put a hand on Calum’s knee, but seemed to think better of it. “I would never cheat,” he promised, “I’m sorry you’ve had to think that I would do that to you.”

Calum frowned and crossed his arms. “You’ve been different,” he repeated.

“I'm sorry. I wish I was better, but…” He stared at his hands. “Sometimes I get scared that I might hurt you.”

“What d’you mean?”

Ashton swallowed. “Juvy was...really rough. I wanted to get better, but there was a lot that I needed that I didn’t get while I was there and I just...I didn’t completely recover from what happened.”

“When you assaulted someone,” Calum deadpanned.

“No, before that, I…” Ashton glanced at him. “I did that because he raped me.”

Calum’s heart stopped.

“And I lied about the assault charge,” Ashton continued, “I killed him.”