#or fucking cauldren who knows

[halinski]

me: "i don't believe in love"

fandom me: "i'm going to write the ultimate soulmate fic"

my logical brain @ myself: 🤨

[dippedinmelancholy]

I have such weird, complex feelings about Elain. I feel like they might get me some hate but, I need to spit them out, the brain worms are trying to devour me. My thoughts on her are sort of two fold. What I get from canon!elain and what you get from the fandom. Canon Elain is soft and feminine, but so deeply selfish it actually drives me insane. ACOSF makes it clear she's always seen Nesta. Always perceptive enough to pick up on what is happening around her. She buys Feyre paint, she sees Nesta being abused by her mother, and she sees the hatred the IC holds for Nesta. Yet for all her perception, she never bothers to help even in the smallest manner. She is deeply catered to by her sisters. She even points this out when Feyre and the IC shows up to use their house when she's still human. She says she didn't do anything, she takes part of the blame for the first time in her life. Yet, nothing more comes of it. When she is suddenly fae, and could possibly help or have expectations placed on her, she turns catatonic. This only serves to infantilize Elain as little more than a child all over again. In ACOSF, she pushes and pushes Nesta until Nesta snaps. After what, a week? A couple weeks? Of being trapped in the HoW, after Elain didn't even have the spine to face her sister, only pack up her things and agree to imprisoning the one person who had ALWAYS had her side, who fought so violently for her, Elain runs crying that Nesta isn't any different. This doesn't make me hate Elain. It makes her complex. But it does make it hard for me to connect with her, as she seems to hide behind her softness, and it makes her seem so much more manipulative than Nesta ever was. But fandom Elain . . . ugh. I think in general, a lot of women reading ACOTAR are traditionally feminine. We're soft, we see ourselves as sweet, ect. And for some, it seems they SUPER project onto Elain and see her as an angel who deserves the "Shadow Daddy" who has never done any wrong, and see she finally sees how perfect Feyre is and has turned away from cruel Nesta. A huge argument I've seen is that Elain's the most powerful, her story is all about choice, and that's why she deserves Azriel. That she's never ever had a choice, and choosing Azriel will finally give that to her. I think there's so much potential in Elain, but are you fucking kidding me? Elain has had the MOST softness and choice out of all of the sisters. She was pampered even when they were at their poorest. Even their mother afforded Elain the chance to marry for happiness, where she abused both Feyre and Nesta. Nesta was groomed and physically abused, Feyre was neglected and forced to take on too much. After Feyre is taken by Tamlin, Elain INSTANTLY finds a love match that Nesta supports, Nesta fights only so Elain can be safe and happy. The Cauldren was GENTLE with her, it turned on the King because of how it felt about Elain. The Cauldron BRUTALIZED Nesta. It's just so exhausting to see this complex sister, who's just as bad as both Feyre and Nesta, rewritten into this self insert, flawless and soft creature who has nothing to answer for, only awaiting her Shadow Daddy smut. Especially since SJM does not know how to write traditionally soft women in a leading role. She has no idea how to portray strength without violence.

[bookofmirth]

I’m seeing a lot of people dismiss Elucien by claiming Elain doesn’t want him and “shrinks” away from him. I wanted to get your take on this. Cause how I see it is Elain desperately wants to feel in control again which is why she is pushing Lucien away. She has suffered tremendous trauma from being kidnapped by Hybern, turned into a fae against her will, being told she has a mate, her fiancé leaving her, having powers thrust on her she doesn’t understand, being kidnapped again, losing her father, and now having to pretend everything is fine because she sees how her sisters were struggling with their own trauma.

All these things happening to her and she hasn’t dealt with any of them, and that includes the mating bond. She hasn’t rejected it or accepted it. She just ignores it’s existence including Lucien himself. Given she has had over a year and still won’t even discuss the bond makes me think that is her way of taking control back. That she’s telling the Cauldren or the Mother or Fate to fuck off by deciding the bond doesn’t exist.

So seeing some other people claim that she doesn’t want Lucien I have to question that if that was definitively the case why doesn’t she outright reject the bond? Why drag out this feeling of limbo by ignoring Lucien or “shrinking” away from him? I see it as her taking control of her life back. She’s deciding she won’t deal with this thing that was pushed onto her by some divine entity. Same way she has pretended until ACOSF that her powers were gone.

And regarding the other unnamed ship for Elain I think that’s also a control thing. I think she genuinely cares about him. He saved her life many times and made her feel safe in this new crazy world she was pushed into. I just think that connection she has to him is the same as any traumatized person would have to someone who rescued them/experienced that same pain. I think maybe Elain is pushing for more in that connection because she feels this is a choice she made and not Fate. This relationship would be her taking control back. Which is why I could see them sharing intimacy that essentially will leave her feeling unfulfilled, especially considering his POV is more about what he thinks Fate owes him. Basically they would both be using each other.

Sorry I seriously could go on for another few paragraphs talking about how even in ACOTAR Elain was portrayed as the easy going one and that may be further evidence of her not dealing with her feelings… there I go again. This is a lot [insert I just have a lot of feelings gif].

This is really long, and I love you for your thoughts, and I am not one bit sorry that this took me like 45 minutes to write.

This argument is honestly the one that drives me crazy the most because we literally do not know what Elain wants. People keep saying “she’s not interested” or “they never talk” or “there’s no interaction” etc. Are they supposed to discuss the mating bond and their deepest feelings and thoughts about one another at Starfall, or winter solstice, or some other family function in front of literally everyone they know??? 

I’m sorry, but did we get an Elain book that I missed? A Lucien book? No, we’ve gotten Feyre’s story, and Nesta and Cassian and a bit of Rhys. Not once have we gotten a POV in which we could see Elain and/or Lucien discussing how they feel about one another without someone else present and/or interfering, without that information being filtered through someone else’s perception of how they feel.

And tbh? I think that’s telling. To me, that means it’s being saved for a future book.

Regarding the way that Elain supposedly shrinks from Lucien - again, if she really didn’t want to be around him, Feyre and Rhys would make that happen. 

In acowar, their interactions were quite different because she had just been Made, her powers were still unknown, she was still mourning Graysen and her father. Elain had a lot going on. I always like to compare it to feysand, and what Feyre’s reaction would have been if she knew about Rhys being her mate as soon as she met him in acotar. There’s no way in hell should would have just instantly thrown Tamlin over for him. Why would we expect Elain to be able to make that shift in her affections so easily?

In acosf, page 311, there is “tightness” in her face when she makes an excuse for not being around, and this is Cassian’s POV.

Page 602, again Cassian’s POV: “Cassian’s heart strained at the pain etching deep into Lucien’s face as he tried to hide his disappointment and longing. Elain only shrank further into herself, no trace of that new-found boldness to be seen.”

Any conjecture about why she reacted that way is 100% pure speculation. 

She could be feeling what Lucien feels because of the bond, and from what Cassian says it’s not a pleasant feeling. 

She could be unsure of what Lucien expects of her. 

She could be repulsed by him.

She could have such strong feelings that she shrinks because she has a difficult time hiding them (and she’s usually really good at hiding them). 

She could feel such an intense pull towards him that she physically withdraws. 

We literally do not know!!!

To me, it mirrors Wings and Embers when Nesta and Cassian were attracted to one another and he licked her neck, then she kicked him in the balls. I mean we literally have examples of this with the other mated couples where they are drawn together but still turn away from one another. However, we also got to see feysand and nessian one-on-one, from their own POV. We haven’t had that with elucien yet so any argument that says the above (she’s not interested, they never interact, etc.) has no basis in what we know. 

What we do know is that she hasn’t rejected the bond. Whatever those reasons are, Elain could have rejected the bond a thousand times over by now, but she hasn’t. I actually don’t think she runs from her problems, at least not all the time. I know that people keep arguing that, but I’m not convinced. I’ll make a separate post about that. 

Hell, Lucien could have rejected the bond a thousand times over by now!!!! Elain isn’t the only one who can do that, right?! And why would he choose to let it remain, when this pull is having such an effect on him? When Rhys said that it can make people go crazy if it’s not consummated? Like? Lucien has agency in this too, and of the two of them Lucien has a much larger stake in not letting this continue. 

There is a year of potential interactions between them that we have zero evidence of and so claiming that they haven’t happened is like one of the priestesses saying that the sky doesn’t exist because they never see it.

My final point is that I think that we haven’t gotten this information because it’s endgame, because it will get its own book and become fully developed when it’s not filtered through other characters’ perspectives.

Okay my actual actual final point is that idgaf how Az plays into all of this because she can want to kiss him in that one scene, and everything I said would still be true. I think you’re right that they can find comfort in one another because he rescued her (and he also rescued Gwyn) and because he was trying to put her at ease in acomaf (because it was his job), and Az intentionally made himself seem unthreatening. Elain doesn’t feel the same pressure or expectation from Az as there is from Lucien, so yeah, she feels more comfortable around him. She can smile blandly and he can say “no Elain can’t do that” and it doesn’t challenge anything about their lives.

-fin-

[markmceachran]

Hope

To complete the illusion of dropping off the prisoners somewhere near the cauldren they returned in the late evening, and flew in from the west. Night flying was something that Angel generally avoided, but he had managed to coax his onboard radar to life for the short, circuitous flight from the airport to the city.

She was quiet during the flight and just enjoyed the darkness in the air. It was a new experience being up in the machine at night. With no light coming from anywhere it was like floating in nothingness, an almost nonexistence experience. She tried to let the day fall away, to meditate in a way. It was a welcome escape from the conflicting feelings that were to come.

The hum of the engines filled her body and clouded her mind with white noise. She breathed. Bumps and shudders buffeted their journey and served to reset her thoughts when they started to wander. With her desires sated earlier that day, she had nothing but peace on the flight to the city.

* * *

Landing was also tricky without an illuminated pad to drop down on. Once down he festidiously brushed down the booms and checked over his machine as he always did. The new bird had a couple of extra filters and the fluid lines were less stock than his previous machine. He had to borrow a lot of parts to get this one up in the air, so things were odd. It worked fine, and in fact had greater range than his old one. Still, he missed the old bird. It had served him well, as it served everyone in his life now.

Hope, still quiet, went on ahead to the bar. The idea of walking in with Angel gave her a weird sensation that she wasn’t entirely clear about. Side by side with this man, this brother that she just bedded not a few hours ago brought on some sort of guilt or thought of an obviousness that would be apparent to everyone looking on. They wouldn’t know, of course, but did they suspect, had they always? She didn’t know, and didn’t want to enter the room alongside him. They were not together, they shouldn’t be seen as such.

She wondered about him anyway, on the walk to the building. If they were together, would that be normal, could she be normal, was there a point to being normal in the afterworld? She felt as though she was more useful the way she was, a passionate killer. Briefly she was disgusted with herself as she thought about executing the men that day, but that feeling was quickly subdued with the strange, erotic tingle that had accompanied the event. Her thoughts shifted to the sex with Angel and how complete it made her feel.

Making a deal with herself, she decided that she was going to stop killing, stop fucking, just stop. It was just too weird. Celibacy, this, she decided, was her normal. She would work in the garden, or the hospital, training herself to gain pleasure from those things. Maybe it wouldn’t bring her the same joy, but she wouldn’t have to think about being looked at in that way that made her think they knew. She wouldn’t have to live thinking she was a freak who gets off on killing. The message in the sand, that wasn’t just a message to The Dragon. It was something she was trying to tell herself. NO MORE.

* * *

Jim and Cindy were waiting at a table off to the side when Hope entered the bar. She was met with cheers and applaus that she begrudgingly accepted. These people, they didn’t know what happened, they didn’t know she had defied their orders and her mother’s wishes. The accolades only served to bombard her with guilt and she sulked over to the table to get out of the spotlight.

Her hands were shaking a little. Jim settled one of them with his and said, “Hey, thank you for carrying out their sentence. You don’t have to think about it anymore. It’s done.” Jim had no doubt that she had killed the men, but chose his words in an effort to maintain the appearance that she had simply sent them into exile.

Hope now wished she had waited for Angel so that he could deflect some of the attention away from her. The odd sensation of walking in with him would have been miles better than standing alone before her mother with a monumental lie buried deep in the pit of her stomach. Maybe he would have pulled out the asshole version of himself and taken the brunt of the attention that she felt now centered on her from every corner of the bar. Most of the women would have nothing but praise for her having killed those men, but she still felt their stares as if they knew the truth, but were still angry that she betrayed her own mother. It was compounded by the guilt of taking such pleasure in the act. Was she out of control? Did her bloodlust drive her to kill them, or was it enough that it was the logical thing to do. Both sides of her were aligned to do it, but to take such pleasure made the lie all the more horrific.

“Thank you, Jim. I was the logical choice,” she said with a little quiver in her voice. “Do you actually serve drinks here?” She wondered if a real drink would settle her nerves and conflicted emotions.

“Of course!” Jim laughed, and went to the bar to fetch a bottle.

Hope couldn’t bring herself to look at her mother. She stared down at her hands on the table, not knowing what to say, if anything.

Cindy wasn’t sure how to let her daughter off the hook. She knew that her wishes were not carried out, but she also knew that Hope did the right thing, the logical thing, the best thing she could have done for everyone, including her. In a way, Hope was the one who let her mother off the hook. She did her the greatest favor, letting her maintain her principles.

“Daughter,” Cindy said, “you will always be that to me. I will love you no matter what,” and smiled. She placed her hands over Hope’s.

“Mother, I –” Hope couldn’t think of anything to say. Her stomach was full of conflict.

“You don’t have to think about it anymore, like Jim said. It’s all done, they’re gone.”

In her mind Hope went back to flying in the darkened sky to recapture anything of that peace that she could. Her mother’s words hadn’t yet struck her, but the tone was enough to settle her a little. She breathed a deep breath and closed her eyes, nodding as she exhaled having subconciously heard her mother’s intent.

Jim returned with a bottle of bourbon and four shot glasses. “I assume the other kid is showing up soon,” he said.

“He was polishing his bird when I left him,” Hope blushed, not intending to make a euphemism wiht her attempt to lighten her own mood. Her body warmed rapidly as her thoughts reached back to the hangar and she feared that her mother could somehow read her mind. Her heart sank.

She tried to grin it off to her mother and Jim and just when she had the sense of her regained composure, the man himself walked through the door. Cheers and applause greeted him, just as they had greeted her. He gave a modest nod toward the crowd of women gathered around the bar and made his way directly to the table.

“What did I miss?” He asked.

“Nothing yet,” Jim said, not really wanting to rehash any of the conversation to that point. Hope was grateful for that.

He poured out four glasses of unmodified Louisville bourbon, grabbed one and raised it into the air just below eye level. Taking a deep breath, he paused to search for the words.

“You three,” he stopped again and choked up.

Hope was grateful that the attention was off of her, however, she could see that Jim was really struck by something he was trying to say. She grabbed her glass and raised it up to meet his. Angel and Cindy did the same.

Jim’s eyes welled up with tears.

Cindy stepped in to finish Jim’s thought for him, “To family.”

* * *

The End

The post Hope appeared first on Mark McEachran.

https://j.mp/3f40CjT December 14, 2017 at 08:30AM

[markmceachran]

Hope

To complete the illusion of dropping off the prisoners somewhere near the cauldren they returned in the late evening, and flew in from the west. Night flying was something that Angel generally avoided, but he had managed to coax his onboard radar to life for the short, circuitous flight from the airport to the city.

She was quiet during the flight and just enjoyed the darkness in the air. It was a new experience being up in the machine at night. With no light coming from anywhere it was like floating in nothingness, an almost nonexistence experience. She tried to let the day fall away, to meditate in a way. It was a welcome escape from the conflicting feelings that were to come.

The hum of the engines filled her body and clouded her mind with white noise. She breathed. Bumps and shudders buffeted their journey and served to reset her thoughts when they started to wander. With her desires sated earlier that day, she had nothing but peace on the flight to the city.

* * *

Landing was also tricky without an illuminated pad to drop down on. Once down he festidiously brushed down the booms and checked over his machine as he always did. The new bird had a couple of extra filters and the fluid lines were less stock than his previous machine. He had to borrow a lot of parts to get this one up in the air, so things were odd. It worked fine, and in fact had greater range than his old one. Still, he missed the old bird. It had served him well, as it served everyone in his life now.

Hope, still quiet, went on ahead to the bar. The idea of walking in with Angel gave her a weird sensation that she wasn’t entirely clear about. Side by side with this man, this brother that she just bedded not a few hours ago brought on some sort of guilt or thought of an obviousness that would be apparent to everyone looking on. They wouldn’t know, of course, but did they suspect, had they always? She didn’t know, and didn’t want to enter the room alongside him. They were not together, they shouldn’t be seen as such.

She wondered about him anyway, on the walk to the building. If they were together, would that be normal, could she be normal, was there a point to being normal in the afterworld? She felt as though she was more useful the way she was, a passionate killer. Briefly she was disgusted with herself as she thought about executing the men that day, but that feeling was quickly subdued with the strange, erotic tingle that had accompanied the event. Her thoughts shifted to the sex with Angel and how complete it made her feel.

Making a deal with herself, she decided that she was going to stop killing, stop fucking, just stop. It was just too weird. Celibacy, this, she decided, was her normal. She would work in the garden, or the hospital, training herself to gain pleasure from those things. Maybe it wouldn’t bring her the same joy, but she wouldn’t have to think about being looked at in that way that made her think they knew. She wouldn’t have to live thinking she was a freak who gets off on killing. The message in the sand, that wasn’t just a message to The Dragon. It was something she was trying to tell herself. NO MORE.

* * *

Jim and Cindy were waiting at a table off to the side when Hope entered the bar. She was met with cheers and applaus that she begrudgingly accepted. These people, they didn’t know what happened, they didn’t know she had defied their orders and her mother’s wishes. The accolades only served to bombard her with guilt and she sulked over to the table to get out of the spotlight.

Her hands were shaking a little. Jim settled one of them with his and said, “Hey, thank you for carrying out their sentence. You don’t have to think about it anymore. It’s done.” Jim had no doubt that she had killed the men, but chose his words in an effort to maintain the appearance that she had simply sent them into exile.

Hope now wished she had waited for Angel so that he could deflect some of the attention away from her. The odd sensation of walking in with him would have been miles better than standing alone before her mother with a monumental lie buried deep in the pit of her stomach. Maybe he would have pulled out the asshole version of himself and taken the brunt of the attention that she felt now centered on her from every corner of the bar. Most of the women would have nothing but praise for her having killed those men, but she still felt their stares as if they knew the truth, but were still angry that she betrayed her own mother. It was compounded by the guilt of taking such pleasure in the act. Was she out of control? Did her bloodlust drive her to kill them, or was it enough that it was the logical thing to do. Both sides of her were aligned to do it, but to take such pleasure made the lie all the more horrific.

“Thank you, Jim. I was the logical choice,” she said with a little quiver in her voice. “Do you actually serve drinks here?” She wondered if a real drink would settle her nerves and conflicted emotions.

“Of course!” Jim laughed, and went to the bar to fetch a bottle.

Hope couldn’t bring herself to look at her mother. She stared down at her hands on the table, not knowing what to say, if anything.

Cindy wasn’t sure how to let her daughter off the hook. She knew that her wishes were not carried out, but she also knew that Hope did the right thing, the logical thing, the best thing she could have done for everyone, including her. In a way, Hope was the one who let her mother off the hook. She did her the greatest favor, letting her maintain her principles.

“Daughter,” Cindy said, “you will always be that to me. I will love you no matter what,” and smiled. She placed her hands over Hope’s.

“Mother, I –” Hope couldn’t think of anything to say. Her stomach was full of conflict.

“You don’t have to think about it anymore, like Jim said. It’s all done, they’re gone.”

In her mind Hope went back to flying in the darkened sky to recapture anything of that peace that she could. Her mother’s words hadn’t yet struck her, but the tone was enough to settle her a little. She breathed a deep breath and closed her eyes, nodding as she exhaled having subconciously heard her mother’s intent.

Jim returned with a bottle of bourbon and four shot glasses. “I assume the other kid is showing up soon,” he said.

“He was polishing his bird when I left him,” Hope blushed, not intending to make a euphemism wiht her attempt to lighten her own mood. Her body warmed rapidly as her thoughts reached back to the hangar and she feared that her mother could somehow read her mind. Her heart sank.

She tried to grin it off to her mother and Jim and just when she had the sense of her regained composure, the man himself walked through the door. Cheers and applause greeted him, just as they had greeted her. He gave a modest nod toward the crowd of women gathered around the bar and made his way directly to the table.

“What did I miss?” He asked.

“Nothing yet,” Jim said, not really wanting to rehash any of the conversation to that point. Hope was grateful for that.

He poured out four glasses of unmodified Louisville bourbon, grabbed one and raised it into the air just below eye level. Taking a deep breath, he paused to search for the words.

“You three,” he stopped again and choked up.

Hope was grateful that the attention was off of her, however, she could see that Jim was really struck by something he was trying to say. She grabbed her glass and raised it up to meet his. Angel and Cindy did the same.

Jim’s eyes welled up with tears.

Cindy stepped in to finish Jim’s thought for him, “To family.”

* * *

The End

The post Hope appeared first on Mark McEachran.

http://j.mp/2BlEGQq December 14, 2017 at 08:30AM