#or mondays while i walk to class from 8 am to 8:30 am

[tkbrokkoli]

mh

[bvidzsoo]

Love Me Like A Rockstar (13)

ー☆ Chapter 13: You Know Me Too Well

Author: bvidzsoo

Pairing: Song Mingi x female reader

ー☆ Warning: cursing, usage of the word 'bitch' ー☆ Word count: 6.5k ー☆ Genre: university!au, enemies to lovers!au, rockstar!au ー☆ Rating: sfw ー☆ Summary: Love. You wanted none of it. You had already been heartbroken very badly once, you didn't wish to go through that ever again. But the Universe works in intricate ways and, somehow, you found yourself webbed up in a local rockstar's life, Song Mingi. He was everything you expected him to be, yet nothing like you imagined him he would be. What happens when you find mutual understanding and have heartful conversations? Will he be able to break down your walls? Will you be able to chase away his darkness?

A/N: Well, well, lovelies...new chapter is up and maybe I'm kind of kicking my feet??? Who knows, we'll see what y'all think of this chapter hehe. Also, happy birthday to Song Mingi?! I actually didn't mean to post the new chapter today, but today was the only day I had enough time to write it sooo, yeah. Tmi, but MC's mother is exactly like my mom, so maybe I drew inspiration from real life lol, I love her to death but sometimes I really wish SHE DIDNT SPEAK lol. Also, I'm so obsessed with today's song for the chapter; I'm screaming, crying, throwing up over it LOL. Just a heads up, next chapter is the last like actual chapter of the series and then I decided to add an epilogue lol cue the sobbing. As per usual, listen to You Know Me Too Well before or while reading the chapter! I hope you enjoy and let me know through feedback hehe <3 Enjoy your weekends! divider

Taglist: @orshii @or5i @lovely-red2 @scarfac3 @juicy-red

@sunaswifes-blog @voicesinmyhead-rc @teez-the-time @maru-matt @kyeos4ng

@deathbyyeekies @chicksmoothie @mjlbn01 @xhexy @tmtxtf

@hwashiningstar @thatfavouritesong @ateez-atiny380 @xciiiomwliah @vixensss

@catchingskzzzs @tesssaurrr @ginger-mingi @mingisbbg

⟨Series M.list ↭ Previous Chapter⟩

♫Playlist♫

            Saturday (2:55 pm)

Me: mingi can we talk?

Saturday (8:30 pm)

Me: i am free whenever you say so just let me know and i’ll be there

            Sunday (9:15 am)

Me: we need to talk, mingi.

            Sunday (12:08 am)

Me: please hear me out im sorry

Monday (current time)

            “Do you think he’ll slam the door in my face?” The hallways were buzzing with life as I tried to veer my way around the crowd of students without running into anyone. Today, out of all days, I just so happened to have my last class of the day in a completely different building and at least a good five-minute walk away from the arts building.

“It’s what you’d deserve, to be fair, but—” The was a gasp on the other side of the phone and my eyebrows furrowed as Seulgi muttered something to someone, muffled, “sorry, Wooyoung almost dropped my mother’s favorite vase, I told him to take off that blindfold.”

Eyebrows furrowing even deeper, I abruptly stopped walking, making a girl give me a heated glare that I didn’t care for, “Why is he blindfolded? Wait! I actually don’t want to know.”

“We were playing hide and seek with his niece, you idiot, but I got bored and sneaked away when I saw you calling.” Seulgi’s voice was exasperated and I chuckled as I took off again, leaving the science major’s building as I nuzzled further into my thick scarf. Some days it was warmer, but most days it got really cold and I hated it. I couldn’t deal with the freezing weather, perhaps it was my biggest enemy after Jeong Yunho, “Anyways, as I was saying, you deserve to be ignored by Mingi, but knowing how big of a sucker he is for you, he’ll probably give in before you can utter a single word.”

My heart jumped at the thought as I gnawed on my bottom lip, cutting off the path as I hurried through the grass, uncaring that I was probably destroying the work of the gardener. Besides, the grass had barely just started growing out again, it would be fine, “You think so?”

“I know so.” I heard Wooyoung’s high-pitched voice shouting from the distance and my eyebrows furrowed as I realized Seulgi had probably put me on speaker. Now that was a bit awkward, “He’s an idiot, but he’s in love. Now that I come to think of it, you two are a lot alike, two idiots in love—”

“I believe your niece is looking for you, babe.” Seulgi cut her boyfriend off and I was thankful because I don’t think I could’ve handled hearing him say the words ‘in love’ again. That was scary, even just the thought of it. I was barely coming to terms with liking Mingi, but hearing the word love sort of made me want to turn back around and abandon my whole plan of trying to make peace between the two of us. And Seulgi knew this, thankfully, because she didn’t say anything about it again, “Are you on your way to his studio right now?”

I hummed and curled my fingers tighter around the thermos bottle, my nose cold from the weather as the arts building finally came into sight, “Yeah, three minutes and I’m there.”

“Good.” Seulgi sounded content and I sighed as I tried to ignore the dawning anxiety that tried to crawl through my body and make me abandon my well-thought-out plan. I had to do this. Seulgi and my mom were right, I couldn’t mess this up again. I liked Mingi, a lot. He is a good guy and I shouldn’t let my past and my fears dictate my life. Yes, Mingi is Yunho’s best friend, but Mingi isn’t like Yunho. Hopefully, “Update me later then, I love you Y/N, I hope you know that.”

I chuckled and nodded at the security guard as he was out of his cubicle, standing at the bottom of the steps, smoking his cigar, “I know, thank you for knocking some sense into me.”

“We’ll see about that later.” Her snort was amused and I shook my head as we said our goodbyes, the warmth of the building making me sigh out in relief as I entered through the front doors. I pocketed my phone and unwrapped my scarf from around my neck, greeting the familiar people I crossed paths with. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling nervous at all, after all, I didn’t know how Mingi would react. If he was anything like me, he wouldn’t forgive me so easily. Not when I’ve hurt him again and in the worst way possible.

As I ascended the marble stairs, I found stability in the thermos bottle clutched firmly in both of my hands now, its weight helping me to keep my determination and focus on going through with my own plan. When I woke this morning and went to take a quick shower, I was surprised to hear my mother’s singing and smell the delicious waft of pancakes, making my stomach growl loudly as I didn’t have dinner the night before. It seemed like my mother had taken a day off, grumbling something about her deserving a day to rest after she was almost choked out by one of her mentally ill patients. I couldn’t help but agree with her as we sat at the table in silence, enjoying our breakfast, that is until she cleared her throat loudly and stood up, fetching a mug and a cup from the counter next to the sink. I froze when I realized she was handing me the cup Mingi had designed with funny looking chicks on it, and I was even more confused when I realized it wasn’t coffee I was drinking, but hot chocolate.

“So, what are you going to do about that handsome fella?” I tried not to groan or regret the fact that I told her everything about Mingi. I took a tentative sip of the hot chocolate and realized it wasn’t hot before taking a bigger gulp as I enjoyed its sweet taste.

“I’ll talk to him today—”

“Great!” My mother didn’t even let me finish as she sprung up from her seat again to fetch something from a cupboard, “It’s amazing how strong our maternal intuition is, I swear my starlight, you should make some babies soon.”

“Mom.” I groaned as I watched her curiously as she took a blue thermos bottle from the cupboard and filled it with hot chocolate from the kettle, “We’ve had this discussion many times before, I’m not having children so young.”

“You’re not that young though.” She sent me a sheepish smile as my eyes widened, feigning hurt.

“I’m turning twenty-three?! How is that not young?” She cleared her throat as she sealed the thermos and walked back to the table to sit down.

“I’m just trying to inspire you, anyways,” She huffed and then placed the thermos on the table and pushed it towards me, “Bring this to him as peace offering, he’ll love it. Trust me.”

“I don’t think what Mingi needs right now is hot chocolate—”

“Finish your breakfast and shut up.” My mother didn’t let me finish as she cut off a thick part of the pancake with her fork and forced it inside my mouth, making me groan, “Mothers know best when it comes to stuff like this, be thankful I’m saving your relationship and be back before lunch. I’m ordering take out, and I certainly am not waiting for late your ass if I’m hungry.”

I knew fighting my mom was fruitless, so I just grumbled an okay as I tried to chew the pancake she had forced in my mouth, my cheeks all puffed out. My mother seemed content that I finally wasn’t talking back to her and I shook my head as I pulled the thermos bottle towards me, reminded of the time when Mingi had brought me tea knowing that I would be feeling probably a little sick after getting all soaked in the cold rain and harsh wind.

So, now, with Mingi’s clothes in my tote bag and the thermos filled with hot chocolate in my hands, I couldn’t help but feel optimistic despite the anxiety gripping at my thoughts. If my mother, Seulgi, and even Wooyoung—who knew Mingi like the back of his hand—were convinced that everything would work out just fine, then why would I not believe that? Sure, Mingi was probably still annoyed at me, but I didn’t think a few apologies and even more explanations couldn’t fix the issue at hand. All I had to do was be honest and come clean with my feelings and he’d probably do the same and then—that’s where anxiety stepped in. Then what? Was I ready to pursue a relationship? Did Mingi want to date me? Did I want to date him? Why did it have to be Jeong Yunho’s best friend I was into? Why could I not move past my fears and stop associating Mingi with everything I was wounded by, when he never once made me feel like Yunho did? I could dwell on these thoughts for an eternity, I fear, but I didn’t have that time right now. And to be fair, I didn’t want to think of such things right now because I could feel my determination wither the closer I got to the music majors’ floor, heartbeat loud in my ears.

I stopped at the end of the hallway and took a deep breath, eyes settling on the studio I knew now was used by Mingi only. Wooyoung was nice enough to tell me the number of his studio—not that I had forgotten since the last time I was here—and he also let me know that it was used by Mingi only, the teachers having granted him full access, even at hours when students were supposed to be at home. It seems so Mingi was a favorite amongst the teachers, and I could see why. He was diligent and hard-working; his lyrics were beautiful and nothing would stop him from fulfilling his dream of becoming a well-known rockstar. I couldn’t help but feel excited at the prospect of that, and hoped that I would be part of his journey, that he’d let me back into his life.

Steeling my nerves and trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I knew there was no turning back. I wanted to do this, I had to do this. I had to stop sabotaging myself, and so, I marched down the hallway towards Mingi’s studio with a newfound hope and determination. Which lasted about five seconds as I came face to face with Mingi’s studio door. There was a small window on it, which would let you know whether the room was occupied or not, and it was straight across the desk where he was sat at—with the blonde girl standing right next to him. And that should have been okay, because really, Mingi could talk to whoever and spend his time also with whoever he pleased. And it’s not like I didn’t have male friends—I didn’t, Seulgi was my only friend—it’s not like he couldn’t speak to one of his fans. After all, he’s made it clear she was nothing more than a fan he appreciated for helping spread the word about his band.

But then, why was her hand on his shoulder one second and the next second slowly trailing down the sleeve of his beige cardigan—which looked like it was messily stained with paint—and certainly the way my good disposal dissipated and was overtaken by blind jealousy and rage had nothing to do with the sudden possessiveness that shook me to my core. And perhaps the thing that bothered me the most wasn’t even her feeling up Mingi’s arm as she looked down at him with sultry eyes, perhaps it was the way Mingi leaned back in his chairs, legs spread wide, and smirk on his lips as he looked up at her with his sharp gaze, allowing her to touch him. Perhaps that’s what sent me over the edge as I barged inside the studio in the most unceremonious way, making the girl yelp in fright and Mingi flinch as his eyes widened.

『Baby, you're all that I want

I want you all to myself

Oh, but you know me too well』

And when I was angry—or panicking, or hurt—all rational thoughts flew out the window as I was led by nothing else but pure instinct and a shit ton of unclear and not so necessarily nice thoughts. Simpler put, I wasn’t thinking nor making sense, but I couldn’t care less as I glared at the both of them while I struggled to mask the fury licking at my veins. They were both looking at me wide eyed, as if I had caught them doing something I wasn’t supposed to, and that made me snap before I could think through how to proceed with this whole shitshow, “Get out.”

For a second, even I didn’t recognize my voice as it dropped a few octaves, fierce gaze set on the blonde girl as she paled, eyes scrambling between Mingi and me as, suddenly, Mingi seemed to snap out of whatever scare I had given him by slamming his door open and into the wall. God, I hope I haven’t actually damaged it, because I certainly didn’t have the money to pay for it right now. I couldn’t look at the blonde girl anymore, heart beating fast in my chest as Mingi and I made eye contact, his eyebrows set in a deep frown as he had a sneer on his face.

“Excuse me?” God, even her voice was annoying. I looked back at the blonde girl and raised my eyebrows at her mockingly.

“Are you deaf?” I chuckled, but it was humorless, “Do I need to repeat myself?”

She huffed, looking offended—rightfully so—and I gritted my teeth as I stepped inside the studio, making it pretty obvious that I wasn’t going anywhere before this bitch left. I tried not to see red as Mingi’s hands balled up into fists or the way the girl snickered, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“You’re the one that’s barged inside uninvited, sweetheart,” And if I could have, I would have ripped her blonde strands out, “this isn’t your fucking studio, so, shut up. Mingi wants me here, maybe you should leave.”

I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from laughing, somewhere deep in my mind realizing I looked absolutely psychotic and if Mingi didn’t hate me before, he certainly would hate me now. I wasn’t helping myself; I was making everything worse—just the usual, then. But this bitch wasn’t stopping me from getting what I came here for, and I hummed as my eyes fell on Mingi again, who’s jaw was clenching and unclenching. His sharp eyes were narrowed, but it seemed like he wasn’t saying anything anytime soon and that only pissed me off more.

“Sure,” I nodded and walked further inside, forcefully throwing my tote bag on the small couch against the wall on my left, making the contents of it spill out. I watched as both Mingi and the girl looked at the clothes, and Mingi’s expression flashed with something unreadable for a second, “Mingi wants you here.”

I suppose neither expected me not to stop until I reached the desk, coming up on Mingi’s left side as I slammed the thermos bottle—albeit too harshly—against the desk, a loud bang echoing in the room. Mingi’s eyebrows furrowed as I opened my mouth to tell the girl to leave again, but suddenly, he was up on his feet, staring me down. The height difference wasn’t that great between the two of us, but suddenly I felt small under his heated glare and sneer that seemed to settle on his lips, broad shoulders intimidating as he lowered his head just a little bit. He looked nothing like the Mingi I had gotten to know over the past few months, and it made my heart race as I realized I might not be able to reason with him today, “What the fuck is your problem, Y/N?! You tell her to get out when you barge in unwelcomed, and then start demanding for her to leave—”

I couldn’t even let him finish his sentence before I was firing back my argument, “Oh, what’s my fucking problem?! Maybe the fact that you lied to me?”

“About what?!” Mingi snapped, eyebrows furrowed as he took a step towards me, his body big enough to make the blonde girl not be seen behind him.

“Oh, be for real.” I scoffed and rolled my eyes, “You never show anyone your songs to? But you so conveniently let me listen to that unfinished song of yours and now look who else gets to listen to it? Her. If you’re so desperate to get laid, you should have—”

“I didn’t show her shit.” Mingi cut me off, voice shaking as his cheeks grew red from anger, probably. Mingi wasn’t a scary person, but he looked scary right now. There was no ounce of kindness in his expression nor tone, he looked cold and angry and like he hated me. I gulped and realized, once again, that I was digging myself deeper into the shithole I had created for myself, that I was hurting him again and again. This is not how things were supposed to go, “I only showed you. That unfinished song you’re talking about, only you know about it. Thanks for reminding me again why I shouldn’t deal with you anymore—”

“Stop it.” I snapped, eyebrows furrowing as I felt fear grip at my throat, making my voice sound shaky as Mingi’s expression went blank. I hated when he did that. I wanted to know what he was thinking about, I needed to see what he felt. I couldn’t do this if he withdrew himself, I couldn’t do this if I was the only one that would bare her heart to him. I was scared. He was pushing me away like Yunho had done, Mingi was abandoning me.

“Stop it?” If I wanted to cry when he laughed in my face mockingly, impassive smirk settling on his lips, I didn’t let it happen. I kept my composure, anger, hurt, desperation, yearning all mixing together as I found it harder and harder to breathe, “You want me to be nice to you after all the shit you said to me on Saturday? You want me to treat you like before after everything that’s happened? I can’t. You hurt me, made me feel like a fucking idiot, Y/N, you broke—I thought we were friends. I feel disrespected and played, and yet here you are again, acting like you have even an ounce of right to act the way you are right now, when it’s you who made it so fucking clear you want nothing to do with me anymore. Do you enjoy making others suffer? Do you want to see me on my fucking knees begging for your attention? I have enough self-respect to step back and move on with my life when someone so blatantly tells it to my face that I am nothing—”

“But you aren’t!” My tone raised without me meaning to as my heart continued to beat out of my chest so fast my ears started ringing. I felt tears prick at my eyes, but I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to victimize myself, I just wanted Mingi to understand I made a mistake, that I knew I did, and that I was trying to fix things. I didn’t want us to part ways, especially not like this, he made me realize this second that I didn’t want to lose him, “You aren’t nothing to me. I said those things because I’m scared. I don’t know how to navigate these feelings—”

“Save it, okay?” I was left gaping as Mingi shook his head, pushing his hands in the pockets of his light denim jeans, “I don’t want to hear whatever sob shit you have to say right now, I’m asking you kindly to leave before I call security and delete my number, like I have deleted yours.”

The silence that settled upon us was deafening and my eyebrows furrowed as a tear rolled down my cheek without warning, my chest rising and falling rapidly as I tried to find my breath. That hurt, it hurt more than anything before, it hurt more than when Yunho left me, broke my heart. Mingi meant so much more to me than Yunho ever did, and I bit my lower lip as Mingi seemed unaffected, expression blank and rather bored. Nothing was making sense anymore. I was scared, but I also felt ready to break free of the chains of the past, I wanted Mingi. And knowing all this, I didn’t want to hold back anymore, I didn’t want to consider my next words anymore. I just wanted to speak my mind freely.

“My ex-boyfriend is Jeong Yunho, your best friend.” Mingi had almost turned away from me, but he froze, head slowly turning back to face me once again, “We dated back in high school, many years ago, when we were still some headless and stupid teenagers. But he was the first boy I’ve ever loved and he fucking broke my heart, shattered into pieces with a bright smile on his lips. He promised me many things, and I was naïve, so I believed it all. And because I did, I ended up hurt beyond fixing and I’ve never trusted a man again. He was my first boyfriend and the center of my universe, yet he never cared enough about me to properly break up with me.

“Yunho talked about you all the time. Everything you liked, everything you hated, you were part of our daily conversations and I always wished to meet you, to see what was so great in you that had Yunho gushing all the time. I was jealous, so jealous that I became bitter. I started hating even the mention of your name, I selfishly wanted Yunho to myself, and you gone from his life. I couldn’t understand what was so great about you and why I wasn’t enough. I knew Yunho didn’t love me, but I wanted him to, so I made myself believe it, believe that I was worth more to him than you’ll ever be. And in the process, I stupidly made myself believe that he’d never leave me, that he was the one for me like he has said so many times before.

“He broke my heart so fucking bad that it took years until I could say his name or even see his face again. I am over him now, have been for a long time, but I can’t help still feel bitter about him. I can’t help but associate you with him at times. He made me defensive and untrusting of men, I couldn’t help but assume you’d be just like Yunho when I first met you, at least when I finally realized who you were. I felt so guilty, I tried to push you away but you wouldn’t fucking give up. You are everything yet nothing like Yunho and that scares me, because I want you, Mingi. But I’m scared you’ll abandon me like Yunho did, that you’ll fill my head with empty and pretty fantasies and then leave me alone with them, tearing my heart apart in the process. I want to open up, but I’m scared. I think, however, with you by my side, I’d be able to do that, to let my walls down.”

The silence that settled upon us, once again, was deafening and I gulped, heart racing and making me feel lightheaded as Mingi’s face had fallen, expression finally not as void as before. He looked shocked, but surprisingly, he didn’t look hurt nor like he would hate me for ever. It made me hopeful for a second, it made me sniff loudly and blink away the insisting tears from my eyes. He gulped and took a deep breath, making me stare in his eyes, hopeful and less scared, as he sighed and rubbed at his chin; a stubble was showing. Now that I come to think of it, he looks rather tired with bags under his eyes, and his platinum hair has a blue hue to it.

“I’m sorry he made you go through so much; I know it wasn’t easy.” Mingi’s tone finally lost the edge it had before, finally it wasn’t laced with so much anger, and it almost made me cry, “I kind of—I knew. Not exactly the whole thing, but I suppose I can say I had a feeling that there was history between you and Yunho. It was too obvious whenever I brought him up that you didn’t like him, at first I was confused, but then I suppose everything just clicked into place. The drawing of his eyes, the sweater you lent me and the fact that you gave it to me in the end—I’ve known since then that it was probably Yunho. I never said anything to him, not like that at least, I wanted you to come to me on your own, when you fully trusted me with the information. And I’m sorry, but he—he was an asshole back in high school, he was insecure and he played with everyone’s feelings, he was quite good at manipulating people around him. He’s mentioned dating you, but very few times, and by the time you had broken up I had all but forgotten about you, I suppose I wasn’t much better compared to him.

“But all of this isn’t my fault in the end, and while I completely understand your reasoning now and why you often acted the way you did, I’m sorry, but I can’t just let go of things and start anew. There’s just—too many things that have happened, emotions that you stirred up in me, and I just can’t do it, I—it’s not even about you and Yunho, I don’t give a fuck about it, it was ages ago and Yunho is a changed man and I know he’s long moved on. And you too, I believe you have, you seemed less bitter lately, but I just can’t. I can’t help but ask again, what do you want, YN?”

At least he wasn’t mad at me, but I did feel ashamed that I made him piece everything together on his own, that I wasn’t capable of telling him the truth myself. I have made mistakes, sure, but Mingi apparently didn’t hate me for them, “I just want to apologize, for everything.”

Mingi nodded and I watched in despair as that cold mask slipped back onto his face, expression void of any emotion once again. It made me want to grab his shoulders and shake them, force him to look deep into my eyes and just see everything I felt for him, “That’s fine, I accept your apology. If that’s all, you can leave—”

“But that’s not all!” I snapped, having had enough of being dismissed by him. I saw the way his jaw twitched, the way his eyebrows furrowed at my defiance, at my reluctance to leave just yet. I was being pathetic and a pain in the ass, but I had to make him understand that I was ready to leave all my fears behind for him, to learn how to be a better person next to him. I wanted to change, and I wanted it to happen with him by my side, with him guiding me and teaching me how to be more like him, and less like the shitty person I was for so long. I longed to be the way I was before meeting Yunho, a lot happier and a lot less broody and hateful of the beautiful things that surrounded me, “Mingi, I cannot stop thinking about you. I spend every waking moment when we’re apart wondering what you’re up to, what’s going through your mind, whether you’re okay or not. And I’ve been drawing you, since the first time I saw you, you’ve captured my attention, you’ve made me curious of who you were the longer we spent time together. I don’t want to be like this anymore, I don’t want to hurt you anymore and shut you out, I want to fix everything. I want to—I just want you, Mingi.”

There was a quiet scoff behind Mingi, but neither one of us reacted to it as our gazes bore into each other, my eyes glinting with yearning and his façade slowly breaking down as he released a shaky breath, “Mingi, I adore you.”

“Get out.” For a second, my body froze as I thought he was addressing me, but then, he whirled around and pointed towards the studio’s still open door, “Get out, now.”

And I just realized that the blonde girl had been witness to everything, and I couldn’t help but blanch in embarrassment as she made to interject, but I guess Mingi’s sharp eyes made her reconsider her choice as she huffed and then stormed out of the studio. My cheeks felt hot and I realized the clothes were making me sweaty, so as Mingi hurried towards the door to close it, I shrugged my jacket off and placed it neatly on the back of the sofa together with my thick scarf. And as I looked up, mouth dry as the door clicked shut and Mingi turned around, it felt like time stopped, like the world stopped moving. But Mingi was moving towards me, in nothing more than three steps he stood in front of me, and before I could even as much as try to reason with him or plead more to be forgiven, warm fingers dug into my cheeks and the wind was knocked from my lungs as his plush warm lips slammed against mine, making me gasp as my eyes remained wide open.

『Filthy impetuous soul

I wanna give it to you』

I thought he wouldn’t want anything to do with me, I thought he’d tell me that he needed time to forgive me completely and for us to work things out. But I couldn’t help shudder and feel ecstatic as I grabbed the collar of his shirt and cardigan, my eyes falling shut, as I pulled him closer to my body, savoring the kiss as if it was our first. But it wasn’t anything like that one, it wasn’t soft nor careful nor slow, it was hurried and desperate as Mingi pushed me backward, pressing me against the wall, right between the small space between the sofa and the desk. My arms circled his neck as he grabbed my nape with one big hand and pressed his other into the small of my back, making it arch as my fingers tangled into his soft hair, not pulling, just feeling the need to hold onto something, to keep myself grounded.

And much like the first time, our lips seemed to fit perfectly, and I tried not to keen when he sucked my bottom lip between his teeth, nibbling on the soft flesh, and I tried not to turn into a puddle when he hummed lowly against my lips as my fingers flexed in his hair. Perhaps I kissed him a bit harder and more aggressively as our pace quickened, my hand holding the side of his neck as Mingi pressed his body into mine until it felt like he was trying to forbid me even of the idea of escaping from his clutches, and I had no fucking intention of going anywhere, because in his arms I felt content and safe, and perhaps a bit too hot as goosebumps covered my arms the longer our lips moved hungrily against each other. And when I cupped his cheeks and perhaps held onto them a bit too firmly, his lips parted, and I ignored my lungs screaming for air as my tongue slipped past his parted mouth. I didn’t expect him to moan as our tongues tangled together, all wet and perhaps a little disgusting, but neither one of us cared about that.

I tried to stand on my tip toes for better access as Mingi’s ring clad fingers were suddenly running through my hair and tilting my head back, making my skin tingle where he held my hip firmly. I had been kissed by other people before, but neither felt like with Mingi, neither made me crave more and more and more. But our lungs could only go on so long without air, and I would’ve been embarrassed for the loud gasp I let out when we finally parted, if it wasn’t for Mingi diving straight for my neck and finding the sweet spot that made me putty in his arms. And I tried to ignore his deep grunts as my fingers got tangled in his platinum blonde strands as he pressed open mouthed and wet kisses against my neck, his arms around my hips pulling me into an embrace that had my pulse showing through the skin of my neck. My lips were tingling and my lungs actually hurt, but I couldn’t care less when Mingi finally pulled back and blinked his dark eyes open, pupils dilated and lips so swollen he almost made me chase after them once again.

『Oh, just to see what you'd do

'Cause I'm so drunk on you』

“What’s in the thermos?” His voice was raspier than usual, and it made me bite my bottom lip as my eyes searched his face, his falling on my lips instead.

“Hot chocolate, for peace making.” I answered, sounding a lot more breathless than I actually felt, and Mingi chuckled, the sound deep in his throat. I let my arms fall from his shoulders and instead circled them around his torso, trying to fight off the smile from my lips. Mingi didn’t look angry nor dismissive anymore, but I knew I wasn’t actually forgiven just yet. And that was only fair.

“This is peacemaking, not the hot chocolate.” And there it was, the mischievous glint in his eyes and the smug smirk on his lips as he squeezed my hips once and lowered his face until our lips brushed together, “Although I do appreciate the hot chocolate too.”

“Good, my mom was rather excited when she told me to give it to you.” I pressed a chaste kiss against Mingi’s lips before he could try and say anything, and he chuckled when I pulled away, eyes creasing and crooked front teeth showing.

“What are we now?” His voice was a mere whisper, not insecure nor scared, just wondering, “What do you want?”

I gulped, but decided to be honest. No more hiding my feelings and thoughts from him, “I don’t know just yet, and that’s why I need you to take the lead, but this—I want more of this, of you.”

“Good,” Mingi hummed, lips pursed as he kissed my cheek once before slowly releasing me from his warm embrace, “because I’ve been wanting more of you for fucking ages, doll.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle as suddenly I felt embarrassed and perhaps a little shy, but Mingi seemed to be unphased as he grabbed my tote bag and looked through it because his clothes were in it, “You can keep these, they looked better on you anyway. But you better not give them to Yunho if he ever happens to go over to your house—”

“Mingi.” I snapped mortified and pushed his arm as he dropped the tote bag and burst out laughing, giving me a cheeky smile.

“Want to hear the rest of the song I made for you?”

“For me?”

“Yeah, doll, for you.”

            By the time I managed to get home I might as well been on cloud nine and in so much ecstasy that one would think I was on drugs. Which, kind of felt like it after the day I have had—not that I’ve ever done any drugs. I failed to notice my mother’s silhouette in the window of our kitchen when I got out of Mingi’s car and, of course, that meant she saw him get out of his old Honda Prelude and jog after me to kiss me hard and leave me dizzy before he left. And all of that, of course, meant that by the time I unlocked the front door and stepped inside, my mother was leaning against the archway of the kitchen with the widest smirk I’ve ever seen on her face.

“So, did you have sex?”

My eyes widened in mortification and I struggled to step out of my boots and shrug off my jacket, “Mom!”

“So, you did, huh.” It wasn’t even a question, and suddenly running after Mingi’s car sounded a lot better than standing in front of my mother as she bit her bottom lip, giving me a wink.

“We didn’t!” I exclaimed, cheeks flushed a deep red as I cradled the tote bag to my chest, “He needs to take me out on a date first—many dates, actually.”

“Well, he better hurry up then cuz you’re glowing and you’re happy.” I froze at my mother’s words as she looked at me with a serene expression on her face, lips pulled into a small smile, forgetting all about her previous teasing, “He’s good for you, too good. I haven’t seen you so relaxed and happy since—since highschool.”

Since Yunho broke up with me.

“I know, and I will make sure I never hurt him again.” I told my mom and she hummed, looking down at her wristwatch.

“You missed lunch, by the way, so you’ll eat chicken tenders—”

“Again?!”

“Again, exactly. Go wash up before dinner.”

And I was out of her sight in no time, with a newfound rush in my system, skin tingling as I realized I craved to hold my pencil and my sketchbook in my hands. I couldn’t remember the last time I drew something for me and not because it was an assignment. And if hours later the sketch looked a lot like a familiar platinum blonde haired man with sharp eyes and a tall nose wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt and a beige cardigan over it, accessories many and nails painted black, then I wouldn’t even deny it anymore. Perhaps he would love seeing my drawings. Perhaps I should finally show him.

Mings 🖤: date on wednesday? Me: but im paying this time Mings 🖤: so when we went to the pottery coffee shop it was a date wasnt it, doll Me: maybe it was maybe it wasnt Mings 🖤: no maybes this time

『Oh, but you know me too well

Oh, but you know me too well, well』

❱❱ Next chapter

↳Perm. taglist: @orshii @jjoongstar @tinyelfperson @thestarskiller @zuuhaa

@aaa-sia @gong-fourz @a-tinycarat @sooberryworld @hopefulrascalstatesmantoad

@anastasiamin860 @yunhogrippers @vcutparis @tunaasan @blvckarabixnvoid

@yusalterego @arigakittyo @slowee00 @jaerisdiction @hey-syia

@vnessalau @oddracha @chatsgotmytongue @potatos-on-clouds @yunhowooyo

@watermelon2319 @yoongzsmile28 @klllerwaifu @apriecotte @hwasbbyg

@kyeos4ng @samiiy20 @woosanhobros @aswho1estuff @khjoongie98

@ateez-main-yapper @kang-ulzzang @felixs-voice-makes-me-wanna @ginger-mingi @redzie02

@unholywriters @autieofthevalley @roomsofangel @peachyy-joonie @baeksofty

@tunafishyfishylike @syubseokie @jycas @fandom-freak-geek @intaksfav

@itswaffleberry @e3ellie @skz1-4-3 @hoe4yunho @kyeomooniee

@winklehwa @eyesonlyformingi

❀ complete the forms if you're interested! ^^

[junocandraw]

JEFF THE KILLER REWRITE 2/4

Wow! You made it this far! You must really like staring at words!!

Incase you couldn’t tell, this isn’t the beginning. The first part is linked at the top of my page!

Maybe you should get another helping of popcorn, and clean the emo black eyeliner tears off of your face. Or get up and start your MCR vinyl back at the beginning because you continue to insist that sound technology hasn’t progressed past the year 1857.

Whats that? You want me to get out of your way with my intrusive paragraphs? Oh. I see how it is.

CONTINUE HERE ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

The Face Off

The nightmare Jeff had on Monday night lingered with him through the next morning. He wasn’t the type to let something as silly as a dream frighten him, but this one had something strange to it. Something he couldn’t quite place. He knew it had something to do with the ringing, and that lingering feeling of bloodlust that had gone dormant inside of him once again. He knew it had something to do with the new, strange feeling that he was being watched everywhere that he went.

On Tuesday at school, he got shoulder checked by Randy in the hallway on the way to his 6th period class. Jeff didn’t let this get to him. Instead, he redirected the fury to his competitive spirit, knowing what was coming for Randy in his first practice on Friday. He spent so much time thinking about every trick, every shot, and every opportunity he would have to embarrass his new found enemy. To ruin him.

Jeff had also been keeping a close eye on Liu. He began to notice how he wouldn’t speak on the car rides home from school. How he would shut his bedroom door and not come out until it was time for dinner. It was unusual for him, even with his introverted personality. Jeff wasn’t surprised that his ignorant parents didn’t notice Liu’s strange behavior, but he was still angry nonetheless.

At last, the week ended, and Saturday came. Jeff had packed his belongings the previous night, and hung his practice uniform on his bedroom door. He watched Wisconsin beat Notre Dame while he did his math homework just to prepare himself mentally. He woke up extra early for the 8:30 practice just to be certain that everything was ready.

Jeff parked his car outside of the gym and locked it with a cheerful beep, before striding up to the door. It was freezing cold outside, with mounds of plowed snow scattered across the student parking lot. He showed up around 30 minutes early to have adequate time to stretch and meet the coaches. Jeff was grateful for the heaters over the doors when he walked inside, his entire body being hit with a wave of warm air. The warmth disappeared through the second pair of doors that opened into the rink.

Jeff walked alongside a faceoff spot and admired the condition that the rink was in. It was obvious that the school cared about athletics. When he came around the curve of the boards, he saw three men standing and chatting beside the bleachers. He recognized one of them as Mr. H. The men waved at him in unison, and Jeff waved back, picking up his walking pace to get to them quicker.

”Ah! You must be Jeffery!” One of the men greeted, his hand extended for a handshake, the other man and Mr. H following close behind him. The coach who led the group had white hair, and a white mustache. He looked to be in his mid 60s. His belly was round, and his face was red. He wore a red sweater with the school's hawk mascot over a black collared shirt. He also sported black dress pants with a shiny whistle around his neck. He was considerably shorter than Jeff.

“I am, but it’s just Jeff.” Jeff replied, firmly shaking the coach’s hand.

“I’m Coach Barkley, the head coach.” He chuckled, ignoring Jeff’s correction entirely. The man who looked like an assistant coach chuckled along with him. Jeff didn’t laugh. The only person who called him Jeffery was his father, and it always made him furious, “We’re so glad to have you here at ECU.” Jeff nodded, and politely extended his hand to the other coach,

“I’m Coach Carter. I coach JV, so you won’t be seeing me much.” Jeff gripped Coach Carter’s hand and gave it a firm shake. He had an anxious disposition about him that Jeff found a little creepy. He felt glad knowing he wouldn’t be spending much time with Coach Carter. As Jeff thought about this, Coach Barkley continued speaking,

“Considering this is your first day, we don’t expect you to join in the scrimmage if you don’t want to, but-“

”Scrimmage?” Jeff’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. He felt a smirk tug at the corners of his mouth. His timing was truly perfect.

”Um- Yes. We have scrimmages every Saturday.” The Coach seemed offended that Jeff had interrupted him.

”Oh, I’ll be in there.” Jeff nodded, knowing he wouldn’t miss this opportunity for the world.

“Told you he’s perfect.” Mr. H smiled, winking slightly at Jeff. Despite Mr. H’s compliment, Coach Barkley seemed only moderately pleased,

“Alright, considering that you play center, you might have some trouble with Randy. He’s very competitive, one of the best centers in the district.” Coach Barkley was cocky, but Jeff knew better,

‘How about the best in the state?’ Jeff thought, realizing that Coach Barkley was yet another obstacle that he would have to deal with.

“Jeff, why don’t you get your skates on, and meet some of the other players? Everyone else should already be in there.” Mr. H suggested, followed by passionate nodding from both of the coaches,

“Great idea, Mr. H. Jeffery, go ahead to the locker room.”

“It’s Jeff.” The teenager asserted coldly, narrowing his eyes at the head coach. He turned on his heel, and began to head towards the locker room. Once he was out of the adults’ lines of vision, Jeff shook his head and clutched his stick tighter. He used his free hand to open the door to the locker room.

Jeff felt 34 pairs of eyes fall directly on him, and heard all of the conversations die at once. His eyes landed on Randy elbowing Troy and Keith so that they could see what he saw. The room smelled like spray deodorant, and sweat. The atmosphere was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

Jeff ignored them, and sat on an empty bench. He then unlaced his Converse and unzipped his bag to retrieve his practice uniform. He pulled his shirt off over his head, and tied his hair back into a low bun. Just as he was about to reach for his shoulder pads, one of the boys broke the silence,

“Are you the new kid?” Jeff turned to look up at him, noticing his striking green eyes. He nodded silently while adjusting his padding. Another kid with curly red hair asked,

“You’re from Milwaukee, right? Is it nice there?” Jeff chuckled at the underclassmen attempting to make conversation,

“Have you never been to Milwaukee?” The kid shook his head no, before Randy chimed in uninvited,

“Probably couldn’t afford it anyways.” A few of the other boys snickered at his cruelty. The freshman looked hurt at Randy’s words. Jeff stood up, and turned to face the tormentor. He had hit the peak of his rage, and began to spill his guts,

“What in the hell is your problem?” Jeff’s spat, his voice filled with venomous hatred, “Does bullying underclassmen get you off, or something?” The other boys in the locker room were shocked. They had never seen Randy get publicly stood up to before, and by the look on his face, Randy hadn’t either.

“What’d you just say? You wanna run that by me one more time, Jeffery?”

“What? Is Daddy’s job not getting enough playing time for you?” Jeff felt exhilarated as he watched his words seep into Randy’s skin.

”Why don't you pull up your pants and fight me? Or are you too pussy?” The tension between the two boys increased, rising over the boiling point,

Jeff silently shook his head, putting his blade guards on over his skates and slamming his locker behind him. He grabbed his stick and walked over to the door. Before he left, he turned to face his new team, “Don’t let this red-headed tool or his chicken-shit friends push you around.” He then turned all of his attention to Randy,

“If you have something to prove, let's see it in the barn.”

With that Jeff closed the door behind him, and walked back to the boards to begin stretching.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a few laps around the rink to get warmed up, Coach Barkley blew his whistle, calling the team to the center ice. The team gathered around the coaches, clapping in unison. When he blew his whistle again, the clapping ceased. Yet another adjustment for Jeff to make.

“Today’s practice is for an hour. We’ll only play for two periods, because I have a doctor’s appointment. Halfway through, you all get a ten minute break to hydrate and huddle with your teams.” Coach Barkley instructed, “Our team captains today are Randy…and…Jeff.” The whole team looked at Jeff, who’s eyes were locked on Coach Barkley.

Jeff and Randy skated in front of the group of boys, and began to pick teams. Randy went first,

”Keith.” Keith, a left wing player, skated to Randy’s side. It was Jeff’s turn. He realized that he was picking completely in the dark. He also realized that it was probably part of Coach Barkley’s plan to help Randy’s team win, and elevate his status with Mr. H,

“You.” Jeff pointed at the red-headed kid whom Randy had taunted in the locker room. The kid looked surprised, and even pointed at himself to make sure that he had really been selected. Jeff nodded, and the red-headed underclassman skated over, a wide grin on his face. Jeff could tell that he wasn’t used to being picked first. Jeff noticed Coach Barkley snickering with his other coach behind his clipboard, and Randy whispering to Keith. Jeff turned to the red headed freshman,

“Don’t look at them. One of those two will absolutely be a teen father before they graduate.” Jeff joked, trying to ease the kid’s nerves, “What’s your name?”

”Adam.” He answered sheepishly. His shy demeanor and quiet voice reminded Jeff a lot of Liu,

”Are you a freshman?” Jeff questioned, trying to gauge how old he was,

“Yeah.” He responded, turning back to the crowd to see who else Jeff could pick, “Get that short kid with the black hair.” Adam whispered to Jeff. It was the kid with the bright green eyes from the locker room who had asked Jeff if he was new,

“Jeffery? It’s your turn.” Coach Carter stared at Jeff from across the ice.

“You.” Jeff pointed at the green-eyed kid, who zoomed over, and gave Jeff a gloved high five, “And it’s Jeff, please.” Jeff began to grow annoyed at his coaches ignoring his corrections,

”I’m Thomas, call me Tom.” He smiled, “You should get Brady. He’s the blond kid, he plays right wing. He’s really good.”

“I’ll take Brady.” Randy called.

“Damn.” Tom whispered, “Oh! Get Will, he’s the other tall one. He plays awesome defense.” Adam nodded in agreement,

”You.” Jeff pointed at Will, who skated over to Jeff’s side. He was stoic, and stood at around 6’1. He had dark skin, and a purple mouth guard.

Soon enough all of the players had been selected and sorted onto their teams. Jeff had taken the advice of his new teammates as his only guidance in choosing. He hadn’t a clue if they were correct or not. Coach Barkley gave the two teams 5 minutes to huddle up and strategize. The players gathered around Jeff, who began to speak.

“For my starters I need Tom, Will, Eli…” Jeff thought for a moment, “And Adam.” The team seemed shocked at Jeff’s decision, but fearing the wrath he had shown Randy in the locker room, they remained silent,

“Listen. I know I’m new. I know I don’t know any of you, and you don’t know me, and because of that I’m not gonna order you around or be an asshole. I’m not that guy. If some new guy had come to NMHS and started ordering people around like that, we’d probably be a little annoyed. I know that this probably isn’t ideal for you guys, and I’m sorry. But you have to understand. I want to win. I really hate losing. It’s just who I am. I’m done talking now, you guys tell me what I need to know.” After his short speech, Jeff began to listen to his teammates talk about what positions they felt comfortable in, their strengths, and their weaknesses so that he could form a game plan.

When Jeff heard Coach Barkley’s whistle, he knew it was game time. He skated to the center of the rink, and got into the ready position just as he had been taught. He bit his yellow mouthguard as Randy and his team got into position. Coach Carter waited for the okay from Coach Barkley to drop the puck. Once he gave Coach Carter a thumbs up, Jeff felt his heart rate accelerate.

When the puck dropped, the fight for the puck was fierce. The clacking of sticks against the ice and each other was the only sound that could be heard. It felt like an eternity before Randy’s team finally managed to get a hold of the puck. The left wing player darted down the ice towards Jeff’s team’s goal.

Jeff was not going to let Randy get away with this, and used his incredible skating skills to close the gap between him and the left wing player. He angled his body to get the puck back. He executed a perfect poke check, and stole the puck for himself.

He took off in the opposite direction with the puck in his possession, every calculated move he made showcasing his love of the game. He skated past defenders and found himself approaching the net. The only thing that stood between him and the goal was the goalie. Jeff took an inhale, and exhaled on a powerful wrist shot that went sailing past the goalie’s glove into the top left corner of the net.

Jeff held his stick above his head as he glided behind the goal. Within the first moments of the game, he had already scored. He noticed Coach Barkley glaring down at him, and whispering to Coach Carter. Jeff was beginning to realize how much Coach Barkley was there to protect Randy.

As Jeff skated back to the middle of the ice for the next face-off, he took note of Adam playing goalie. His freckled face almost matched his hair in redness from the cold.

When Jeff got into the ready position, he looked up at Randy with a sly smirk. Randy’s face contorted with hatred for Jeff. He was embarrassed that someone like him could just show up, and make him look like a fool. As the pair waited for Coach Carter to retrieve the puck, Randy made a jab at Jeff,

“Your stick handling is shit.” He hissed, putting his mouth guard back into his mouth. Jeff just kept his composure, and prepared for the face off. Coach Carter skated between them with the puck. With a high pitched whistle from Coach Barkley, the game proceeded,

As the game went on, Jeff continued to have luck. His only goal was to destroy and embarrass Randy by every means possible, but he remembered his mentor, Stanley’s, wise words,

”Play with your head, not your heart.”

His heart was pained a bit, knowing Stanley was all the way back in Milwaukee, and it would be months before he got to see him again. He felt gritted determination in his soul, wanting very much for his mentor to be proud of him.

After 12 more minutes of playing, Adam had successfully blocked one of Randy’s shots into the goal, causing Jeff and the team to cheer with much vigor. This infuriated both Coach Barkley, and Randy to their cores.

As for Jeff, he had stolen the puck countless times from their weak offense, gotten a sneaky assist, and scored another goal. Jeff was glad to see that his gameplay alone was throwing Randy off. After a great hip check to one of Randy’s teammates, Jeff successfully got a hold of the puck and zoomed down towards Randy’s goal against the boards. He zoomed around a defensive player, and was almost to the attacking zone.

Just as he was about to execute a pass to one of his teammates, he felt a force shove him from behind and down to the ice. Jeff’s gloved hands were the first to hit the ice, then the rest of his body. It was a nasty fall, but nothing new to Jeff. When he looked up he saw Randy skating past him with the puck. Jeff waited for the whistle to be blown so that Randy would be put in the penalty box, and the game could continue. The sound never came. Jeff stood up, and looked up to Coach Barkley. It seemed that he hadn’t even noticed Randy’s misconduct. Jeff gritted his teeth, and got back on defense. He would let actions speak louder than words, unlike Randy, who couldn’t seem to stop chirping the entire game.

Jeff zoomed back to the defending zone, his frigid eyes locking on Randy Hayden. He was going in for the kill. He executed a perfect, yet aggressive, shoulder-to-shoulder body check, and stole the puck for his team. No sooner than he had begun to return to the attacking zone, he heard the blow of the whistle. Jeff came to a halt, and whipped around to look at Coach Barkley. He looked at Jeff, his arm extended to the side horizontally.

“WHAT?” Jeff exclaimed, “That was legal!” He asked, his face burning with animosity at the injustice he was facing.

“You checked from behind, Jeffery.” Coach Carter explained with a monotone voice, “Head to the penalty box.” Jeff turned to face Coach Carter and defend himself,

“It-It was shoulder to shoulder! If it were from behind, how would I have taken the puck?!”

“Just go get in the box, we’re all waiting on you.” Randy had a sly smile. Jeff’s helmeted head slowly turned towards Randy. He felt a pain in the side of his head. The anger that he was feeling was changing into something new. That intoxicating haze of hatred and bloodlust had returned. Jeff felt sick with his fury, wanting so desperately to get even with this privileged prick in front of him. His body was shaking, his left eye and hand were twitching, and he had reached the precipice of his emotions. This display of blatant favoritism towards Randy sickened him. It wasn’t fair. Jeff’s adrenaline soared. He didn’t notice, but the ringing in his ears had returned.

Jeff removed one of the gloves from his hand and threw it down onto the ice, unable to contain his emotions any longer. He lunged at Randy, and delivered a forceful punch to his jaw. Randy wasn’t going to let Jeff take advantage of him so easily, however, and grabbed Jeff’s hand when he attempted to deliver a second punch. As Jeff tried to fight through Randy’s grasp on his wrist, Randy removed his gloves, initiating their fight. After a bit of struggling and pulling on each other’s jerseys, Randy got a pretty good hit on Jeff’s helmet cage, causing Jeff to be stunned for a moment. He fell hard onto the ice, but grabbed the front of Randy’s jersey so that he’d go down with him. He ripped Randy’s helmet off, and got a forceful right hook in on Randy’s ear.

The Coaches had let Randy and Jeff fight, thinking it was all a part of the game. But when the punches and shouting never ceased, they had to intervene.

Jeff finally got control over Randy, pinning his arms down to the ice with his padded knees. He threw his fist as hard as he could into Randy’s eye. Randy growled in pain, before hitting Jeff with an uppercut that had come out of nowhere. Jeff tried to fight through the pain, but it almost seemed impossible. He could feel warm red blood trickling down his face. He gritted his teeth and licked his lips. His tongue tasted metallic fire. The ringing in his ears that he had managed to ignore all of this time became too loud. It was the same as his dream, and the same as the day he had fought his Dad.

Jeff’s rage had changed once more. The bloodlust that he was feeling had been a primarily violence-based emotion. When he was wrestling Randy, he found that there was some sadistic, evil pleasure that came with it. Watching the blood seep from his nose. Watching his eyes water, and blacken from a bruise. Listening to Randy’s pained screams and growls as he struggled beneath him. He was completely at Jeff’s mercy, and he loved it. He relished in it. The control, the power. It was intoxicating.

Jeff was in the process of getting a hit in on Randy’s stomach, when without warning, his body tensed up. He couldn’t move his limbs, or his neck. His eyes darted around, trying to figure out what happened. Meanwhile, Randy was weakened from Jeff’s violent outburst. Every punch Jeff had expertly delivered was excruciating, and blood flowed from Randy’s nose, mouth, and bruises were beginning to form on his face.

Jeff was pulled off of Randy by Mr. H, and shoved to the ice away from him. Coach Barkley’s and Mr. H hovered over Jeff’s tense, trying to understand what was happening.

“BOYS! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??” Coach Barkley demanded, his eyes moving back and forth between Randy and Jeff. He was interrupted by Jeff’s screeching in pain from the sudden tension in his muscles. This is when the spasms set in. Jeff’s body went completely limp for a short moment, before beginning to convulse and twitch sporadically. His eyes were wide open, almost like they were going to pop out of his head. Foamed spit emerged from the corners of his mouth, sliding down his cheeks and around his ears. The entire team were still in shock, including Troy, Keith, and Randy.

“Oh my Gosh! Call an ambulance! He’s having a seizure!” Mr. H exclaimed as Coach Carter got down to Jeff’s level to make sure he didn’t injure himself.

The worst part about his seizure was that the entire time it was happening, Jeff was conscious and aware. There wasn’t an inch in his body that wasn’t in horrible pain. The only one of his senses that didn’t work was his hearing. Everything around him was chaotic, but silent. His vision was blurry from tears that began to roll down his cheeks. As Jeff started to lose his consciousness, he felt relief wash over him as the pain finally began to fade. The last things he saw were his Coaches on the phone with 911, and the tall, faceless figure in a suit that stood behind the boards and watched him suffer.

The Mentor

It had been a long couple of days for Jeff. He had suffered a grand mal seizure while he was fighting with Randy. The hospital he was taken to had run every test, every exam, and every scan on the boy. Each one came back normal. Jeff was completely healthy. Seizures could happen at random and to anybody, but Jeff’s wasn’t typical. His seizure had lasted for far too long and was far too severe to be ordinary. Still, there was nothing that the staff could do, so they moved on.

When Jeff finally woke up, it had been a day and a half since his seizure had occurred. He first heard the buzzing of fluorescent lights over his head, and the steady beeping of a heart monitor. He could smell disinfectant within the air, giving the hospital a sterile scent. His body was covered by a thin, coarse blanket that hardly qualified as bedding. His feet were wrapped in socks, and his body in a green hospital gown. He had an IV in his arm, pumping fluids throughout his body. His eyes fluttered open, and a hazy voice called out to him,

”Jeff? Are you awake?” When he had finally shaken off the cobwebs of his unconscious state, he could see who had just spoken to him.

“Stanley?” Jeff breathed, raising his head barely above the pillow and rubbing his eyes with his free arm.

“Jeff! Oh, thank goodness you're awake! I need to call your brother and let him know you’re okay!” Jeff only registered half of what Stanley said. He laid back down, and watched as the suspended ceiling above him moved like a wave. All of the sudden, a nurse appeared above him and began to gently touch his arm. She too was speaking, but Jeff couldn’t understand. Everything sounded muffled. Everything looked muffled. This was until Jeff heard one word. Well, one name.

”So…Something apparently happened with some kid named…oh, what was it?” Stanley pondered, scratching the white stubble on his aged chin, “Ronald…Oh! It was Randy!” Jeff snapped, and sat up immediately. Both the nurse, and Stanley were surprised at this. The heart rate monitor next to Jeff’s bed began to quicken in pace. He was now fully awake and aware of his surroundings. Jeff’s crystal eyes were wide, and sick. They were not the eyes of a sane man.

“Woah! Lay back down, son. You’re gonna hurt yourself!” The nurse gently pushed Jeff’s chest, attempting to get him to lie back down. For a moment, Jeff didn’t budge. Stanley, in his wiseness, noticed Jeff’s right eye twitching slightly. He stood up, his left hand clutching his cane,

“Jeff, it’s okay. You’re okay. Lay back down so the doctor can check on you. You’re alright, I promise.” He hobbled over to Jeff, rested his hand on Jeff’s shoulder, and guided him back down into a lying position. The heart monitor’s beeps began to slow at Stanely’s touch.

“Sorry…” Jeff mumbled, stretching his arms out, “What happened?”

“You’re alright, don’t apologize. You had a seizure.” The polite nurse explained, “You’re a really tough kid Jeffery. We’re gonna run some tests later to see if we can find a cause. Can you take a deep breath in for me?”

“Please, call him Jeff.” Stanley smiled, and nodded at the nurse.

“Oh! I’m sorry, Jeff.” The nurse looked down at her patient, knowing he was too disoriented off of the painkillers he was prescribed to understand what was happening. Jeff complied with her instructions, and the nurse listened to his lungs.

She ran a few more short tests while Stanley had stepped out of the room to make a phone call to Liu, and Jeff’s parents. When the nurse left, she invited Stanley back to the room, who shut the door behind him after wishing her well.

Stanley Waterbury was an older man, in his late sixties. His dark, weathered skin showed the weight of the long years he had lived. He had dark eyes like pools of ink that looked especially beautiful when the sunlight hit them just right. His halo of short silver hair matched his beard, which was trimmed neatly. His glasses sat perched on his nose, right above his contagious, knowing smile. His hands were calloused, proof of his life of hard work.

He walked with a cane, as he suffered an ACL injury during his legendary hockey career that had put him out of the sport for good. Stanley had dedicated his life to hockey, and didn’t let this injury stop him from coaching the sport he loved so much.

Stanley sat on the rolling stool that the nurse had just been sitting on beside Jeff’s bed. He gave Jeff a one-sided hug as Jeff was too weak to move. He pushed Jeff’s bangs out of his face and tucked them behind his ear. Jeff looked up at him weakly,

“What hospital is this? Did you drive all the way from Milwaukee?” Jeff wondered, his voice quiet.

“You’re about an hour away from Elmerville, and an hour away from Milwaukee.” Stanley explained, “I came as soon as I heard. I’m sorry that this is happening to you, son.”

“I’m fine. It’s nothing.” Jeff tried to sit up in his bed, but realized that he couldn’t.

“Quit moving around, boy. You need to rest.” Stanley rested his hand on Jeff’s shoulder, and looked into his eyes with a pity filled expression. Jeff sighed, and closed his eyes.

“Where’s mom and dad?” He asked, already knowing the answer to his question. He stared up at the ceiling above him with tired eyes. Stanley hesitated, knowing it wasn’t his place to speak illy of Jeff’s parents,

”They…uh…couldn’t make it.” He answered, “Your father had work and your stepmother…” He trailed off, knowing he couldn’t properly excuse their absence. Jeff’s eyes burned, and tears formed in the inner corners.

”Couldn’t? Or wouldn't?” Jeff muttered, a tear rolling down his pale cheek. Stanley didn’t say anything, because his heart of hearts burned with the same animosity as Jeff’s. Stanley had known Jeff since he was in elementary school, and seeing him like this broke his heart. Jeff was like a son to him, and his wife.

“I’m so sorry. Liu is with Margret. They’re on the way, and should be here in an hour or so. I’m not sure how bad the traffic is heading this way.”

“When did you get here?” Jeff asked, turning his head back to Stanley, who wiped the tear off of Jeff’s cheek.

”Late last night. I got the call from the school because I’m on your emergency contact list. I came as soon as I heard.”

“You didn’t have to do that.” Jeff had a look of genuine concern on his face.

”It’s alright. Someone had to come and check on you, and fill out all that damned paperwork.” This comment was a slight jab at Jeff’s parents, as Stanley would never say that he didn’t like them out loud, “Do you want to talk about what happened?” He asked, the fluorescent light reflecting off of his gold wedding band. Jeff paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. He had a lot to say, but he wasn’t quite sure if he could,

“I…I’ve just been so angry.” Jeff chuckled limply to himself, “That’s not new, though.”

”I was gonna say.” Stanley gently pinched Jeff’s cheek. The teen sighed, preparing to speak his mind.

”Ever since we moved to Elmerville, I’ve been…angry. But, not regular-angry. I’ve been angry all the time. I haven’t had a moment of peace since I unpacked my stuff and moved in. I keep getting these…weird thoughts, and this ringing in my ear out of nowhere. I-I feel like I’m being watched all the time…” Jeff explained erratically, scratching around the IV in his arm,

“Moving can be tough.” Stanley changed the subject to try to improve Jeff’s move, ”Change is hard. I know how much you loved Milwaukee, and how much you wanted to stay. Your team misses you a lot, and when I go see them at the barn, they always ask how you’re doing. Have you been keeping up with them? That might help you feel better.”

”I chat with them every now and then. If I talk to them for too long, I just start to get sad.” Jeff sighed, yawning quietly.

“I see. And what about this fight you had?” Stanley’s demeanor changed to one of a frustrated parent,

”Yes. I’m sorry. I broke my promise.” Jeff mumbled, remembering the guarantee he had given to Stanley before he left, swearing to stay out of trouble.

“What fights have you been in? How many have you been in?” Stanley raised an eyebrow, his hands wrapping around his wooden cane. Stanley was the only person Jeff would be totally honest about this with, because he knew deep down that Stanley was there to help him. He would never judge Jeff, and often gave him great advice.

“My first fight was with my dad. I got physical, I guess, but it just happened so fast. He makes me so angry, Stanley, you know how it is.” Jeff vented.

“I do, son. I do.” Stanley shook his head, and muttered quietly about Jeff’s parents to himself. He then sighed, and continued “And the others? Who is this Randy kid?” Jeff felt his heart rate increase at the mention of his enemy’s name. The heart rate monitor mirrored Jeff’s anger, putting it on display. With this, Jeff’s demeanor changed. His regular, conversational self was replaced with something else. He sat up slowly, and the beeping began to accelerate once more, almost like an omen,

“He’s the athletic director’s son.” Jeff explained, “I actually liked Mr. H, even after his pathetic son and his friends had tried to intimidate me after school one day. The first time we fought was in that classroom. He-he was going to fight me, Stanley, I could just- I could…tell. Luckily, his Dad strolled in and broke it up. But at practice, things got…rough. He checked me from behind, and they-they didn’t call it. I was pissed, but I got back up and kept playing. After that, I shoulder checked him, and-and it was COMPLETELY LEGAL. But-but they called it! They called it Stanley! I was just so…mad. I just wanted to take my stick, break it in half, and gut him like a fish!!” Stanley’s eyes widened, concern washing over his face. Jeff had always been a fighter, but nothing like this. He decided to blame it on the painkillers, but his gut remained skeptical. There was something deeper going on here,

“And…that's when you had your seizure?”

“Yeah…But that wasn’t…Look, I saw this- this thing, Okay? It had- it was tall. Really tall. Like, a street lamp. It wears a suit, a-and it has no face. Its face is- it's gone. It’s got long arms, and it was watching me die. I was laying on the ice, having my seizure, and it was watching me die- he’s been following me. I’ve seen him before. He won’t stop following me, and-and watching me.” Jeff had a small fit of giggling before continuing to ramble about what he had seen. Alarms were going off in Stanley’s mind, especially when he noticed the deranged look in the young man’s eyes.

“Jeff, are you alright?” Stanley asked as Jeff continued to ramble incoherently without ceasing. As he asked this, a few doctors walked into the room. Jeff stopped talking when he saw the group of doctors that had made their way into the room, and instead looked down at his folding arms.

“Good afternoon, Jeffery.”

“It’s Jeff, please.” Stanley’s face was contorted with confusion as he corrected the doctors.

“Jeff, my apologies.” The doctor smiled down at Jeff, “I’m doctor Saia, and we’re here to run a couple tests on you.”

While the doctors were talking to Jeff, Stanley pulled one of the doctors aside to speak privately.

“Is there something I can help you with, Mr…”

“Waterbury. I’m Mr. Waterbury but you can call me Stanley.” He shook hands with the doctor, “Look, I think there’s something wrong with that boy…you know…in the head. I’ve known him since he was a very young man, and he’s never acted like that before. Could it have something to do with the medicine that he’s taking?”

“I see. Can you describe his behavior for me, Stanley?” The doctor asked with a click of his pen, taking a pad and paper out of his coat pocket.

“He was talking- no, rambling on and on. He’s not a quiet boy, but he’s always liked to keep how he’s feeling to himself. He got into a fight, as you know, and every time I say the name of the boy he got into a fight with, the beeping heart thing beside his bed goes bonkers!”

”I heard about the heart rate part from one of my coworkers.” The doctor added, scribbling notes down on his paper.

“That’s not all. He started talking about some…monster that he saw before he passed out at the rink. His eyes were wide, and crazy. He just…doesn’t seem okay.”

”A…monster?” The doctor seemed puzzled.

”Yes! He said it was tall, and had long arms, and a suit…or something like that. He’s really not one to believe in ghost stories. I guess it could have been the seizure, but I just don’t know, doctor…”

”He stopped taking painkillers for the muscle cramps around 10 hours ago, but I supposed there could be some lasting effects. They wouldn’t cause something as severe as what you explained, that is of course, if everything you told me was true.” The doctor thought out loud, “How about I give one of my colleagues at Lakewood State Hospital a call?”

“Lakewood?” Stanley asked with an anxiety riddled tone, “You think he’s crazy?”

“No sir, I don’t. I know a very skilled, and professional psychiatrist that deals with patients, like Jeff, who have endured challenging, or traumatic experiences. He can access Jeff’s mental health, and check on how he’s doing. I was actually going to suggest that anyways, considering what Mr. Hayden from ECU told us about Jeff’s recent history.” Stanley nodded solemnly, and a silence fell between the two.

”Oh, speaking of Mr. H,” Stanley sighed, “I need to tell him about his hockey team. That poor boy is gonna be heartbroken.”

“I would suggest waiting until. He isn’t in a good headspace to receive such bad news.” The doctor suggested, scribbling down a number on a piece of paper and handing it to Stanley, “This is my colleague, Dr. Harrington. Give him a call. He would be happy to book an appointment for Jeff.” Stanley ran his hand across the back of his head, his silver stubble scraping against his calloused palm.

”Alright. Thank you, doctor.”

“Anytime. If you have any more questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask.” With this, Stanley and the doctor came back into the hospital room where Jeff was lying down and answering the doctors’ questions.

Stanley didn’t know if it was because of Jeff’s behavior, his story, or the insane look in his eyes, but he had a bad feeling. He was worried about Jeff, and wondered what was yet to come.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the next 3 days, Jeff rotted in the hospital bed, and was asked the same redundant questions every day. They checked for tumors all throughout his body, they checked his family history, they ran ECGs, blood tests, toxicology screenings, and they drug tested him. Nothing. Not a single abnormality. Jeff was a completely normal boy. Once the doctors couldn’t find the answers they were looking for, Jeff was given various medications and told to drink lots of water. He was then discharged and sent back home.

The car ride home was painfully silent with apprehension. Jeff’s stepmother and father didn’t speak a word to him. They were obviously upset, but Jeff couldn’t understand why. Their son had been in the hospital for three days, and they didn’t even bother to call, let alone visit him. When they came to pick him up, they didn’t give him so much as a hug. Jeff wore a gray crew neck and scrub pants provided by the hospital, because his parents didn’t bother to bring him a change of clothes. The silence hung over the car like a dark rain cloud, until Jeff’s father broke it.

“This new town was supposed to be a fresh start for our family, and you and your brother have done nothing, but make it more painful.” His father snapped through gritted teeth. Then, his stepmother chimed in,

“You know, I wanted to make friends with some of the other families in our neighborhood, but we won’t be able to do that anymore, will we?” Jeff was floored by both of their statements, but he wasn’t surprised. If it wasn’t obvious that all his parents cared about were their images, it was now. But still, Jeff remained silent. He wanted to speak. He wanted to tell his parents everything that he felt about them, but he did. Some unseen force beckoned him to see what else they would share if he just stayed quiet,

“The medication was weird enough, but a shrink? I was backed into a corner to make an appointment with that Dr. Harrington by Stanley, and your doctors. Did you know that, Jeffery? You think I wanted to do that? What do you think everyone else in our neighborhood thinks about that, huh? That there’s a psychopath in town?” Jeff stayed silent, his rage very present, but quiet. It almost felt like his body was on autopilot, and he was watching everything he did, but not responding to it by his own volition. He was in the passenger's seat of his own body.

“Suspended from school your first week in. Ridiculous. Absolutely Ridiculous.” His stepmother shook her head in disappointment. This was news to Jeff. He sat up a bit, and looked at his father through the rear view mirror.

“Suspended?” He asked weakly.

“Ha! I wondered where you were! Yes, Jeffery. Suspended. No more school for two weeks.”

”Why?” Jeff questioned, as his stepmother sighed and shook her head more,

“You don’t remember assaulting Randy, Jeff? How you beat that boy nearly to death? Does that ring a bell? Mr. H’s job is on the line now because of that. Because of you, Jeff.”

“I assaulted him, huh?” Jeff thought, hugging his chest.

“Well, I suppose one good thing came from this. You got kicked from that stupid hockey team. Now you actually can do something productive with your free time.” Jeff’s world stopped entirely. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He shot up, his face contorted with vexation.

“WHAT?!” He demanded, his father chuckling and sighing out,

”Oh yeah. They don’t believe that you’re stable enough…you know…in the head.” His father gripped the steering wheel at 10 and 2, “Quite frankly, we agree.” He added. Jeff felt his soul shatter. The thing he loved, his passion, his escape, had been ripped from his hands just like that. It dawned on him that he now had no school, no friends, and no hockey.

“I think it’s time you let go of your silly dreams, Jeff.” His stepmother admitted, turning to face her son. That haze was back. That sick, twisted anger. That hatred and unadulterated rage, pure and sickening, “Your father and I think it would be best if…you shadowed at the firm.” Jeff’s jaw dropped. There was no way his parents were serious.

“Y-you’re joking, right?” Jeff begged, his father scoffing,

“Jeff, you know damn well that playing in the NHL isn’t a real job. Hockey is barely a real sport, its-its just a game. You should come with me to work, and try something new, son.” Jeff was at a loss for words. He felt hot tears welling up in his eyes. He aggressively wiped them away, as he would rather die before he gave his parents the satisfaction of seeing him cry.

“I…I can’t-“

”No. No Jeff. I’m sick of all of the damn games that we’ve been playing for the past 17 years. It’s time you get your head out of the clouds, and get a grip. It’s time that we become a real family. Whether you like it, or not, things are gonna change around here.” Jeff leaned back in the car seat, and felt defeated. Everything that he had worked for, sweat for, cried for, literally bled for. He was watching it all go down the drain.

He turned his body towards the car window to watch the treeline pass behind them. His father continued to ramble on about being a lawyer. Jeff wasn’t listening. He didn’t have the energy to fight. He fell into bitter silence for the rest of the car ride.

You’re still here? WHAT??? Thank you!! You’re halfway there!

[juuuthoughts]

1/100 Days of Productivity

So I basically been doing this all year, being super productive and spending so much time studying, working, exercising and meal prepping and some days I feel like it was not enough, but looking back I think this would be a good challenge to keep me motivated (as the screenshot of my grades from field school :'), because I have to be kind with myself, I am doing the best I can with the tools I have. I feel proud of me because going to a new country, language, culture, start from 0 is not easy, but I have been up to the challenge, I have visualize myself succeeding and that is what I am doing.

So, starting yesterday Sunday November 5 as my start date what I have accomplished:

 ☑ I wake up early and meditate

 ☑ I cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for me, avoiding junk food, prioritizing protein and veggies. I also made enough to have a balanced lunch the day after.

 ☑ I study for Statistics and did my group part for the team project I have. I met with my group and the assignment was submitted.

 ☑ I made the pre-lab for today and guess what the dilution scheme that I created was the one we used (even if I doubt of myself and called it dumb, this was a lesson this morning for me where I need to trust myself more...believe more in me)

 ☑ I studied about Air Sampling, took notes for later (exam) and presented the quiz before midnight

 ☑ I went to buy groceries as eggs :)

 ☑ I shared time talking on the phone with my granmas, now that I have more time by myself connecting is always needed and a mood booster 💕👵💕

 ☑ I workout! I realize that not having to go to the gym everyday and acommodating workouts for home is always better than doing nothing at all, I am thinkin seriously to buy some 25 lbs dumbells. There is no excuse.

☑ Journaling about things I feel grateful for, the moment of the day I really appreciate it, what I learned, the achievements of my day, and what I could have done better (study for the chemistry exam, going to bed earlier and drink more water). My weekly affirmation:

I can with everything.

For today, Monday, I had solid 7 hours of sleep, I meditated, went to classes with a better attitude (yes I am tired but it depends on me if I make my days miserable or I enjoy the little things), worked on the invitation letter for my dad to visit me next year, doing this! I will have lunch and....

📝organize my house a little bit (bed, dishes, vacuum, 15 min of whatever I want to organize)

📝have a lovely 30 min walk enjoying that the weather is not bad

📝study for my chemistry exam

📝workout of the day

📝listen to positive affirmations 5 minutes and 10 minutes of the audiobook the 5th agreement (which I am loving)

📝I started a gratitude journal on a blog, and I want to finish it (365 days) best moment to do that

📝drink 8 glasses of water

📝 Dedicate 30 minutes to the lab I had this morning so I can finish the most I can

📝Dedicate 30 minutes to the class notes I had for statistics

📝 Review email from my work

📝30 minutes to each class I have tomorrow and whatever that means (notes, project)

📝Cook dinner and for tomorrow while I review chemistry

📝 More chemistry :)

📝Dedicate time to my cats

📝 My night routine

[umichenginabroad]

Week 1 - Czeching into my new city

Ahoj everyone!

It’s me, Pato, and I’ve just completed my first full week here in Prague! This whole experience has been so crazy, so let me tell you all about it.

But first — I’ve created a YouTube Channel where I’ll be posting a different view of my experience, so make sure you subscribe!

https://www.youtube.com/@Pato_Ponders

The Travel

If you remember from my Week 0 post, this is my first time traveling alone. Although I was somewhat nervous – I couldn’t rely on my parents to find the right gate anymore – I’ve travelled enough times in my past to feel comfortable enough to get around an airport and board a plane. After a long 6-hour layover filled with McDonald’s and Netflix movies, followed by an 8-hour flight, I was exhausted (the two hours of sleep probably didn’t help).

Arriving in Prague was eye-opening to say the least. Exiting the airplane, the first thing I heard was… Czech. Oh no. I had absolutely no idea what anyone was saying. This made me nervous, thinking that a lot of my time in Prague would be like this. Luckily, all the signs had English, and my Google Translate definitely worked overtime. After picking up my luggage, I got to meet other study abroad students while waiting for the shuttle to my apartment, provided by CEA CAPA! Realizing everyone else was in the same nervous state I was, I felt better knowing that I had tons of people to bond with.

The Apartment

As I was dropped off at my new home for the next two months, all I could do was pray that my apartment had enough room for me to sleep, shower, and eat – preferably not all in the same room. When I opened the door, my prayers were answered. The apartment – provided by the program – was so much better than I imagined it would be! Here’s a short video of my apartment and room:

I’m in an apartment with five other guys, one of them is my friend from UMich (we mutually requested each other as roommates), and the other four are Colorado State students we were randomly assigned with. Even though we didn’t know anything about them, it turns out they’re super chill and we all get along great! Perfect group to live and have a great time with.

Location-wise, I live in Prague 7, which might make you ask, “but Pato, isn’t the CEA Study Center and Old Town Square in Prague 1? That’s so far away!” I thought this too – until I found out that Prague 1 borders Prague 7 (I know, weird), so I’m only a 30-minute walk or a 15-minute tram ride away from the study center and Old Town Square! Transportation is so easy in Prague. For 25 dollars, you get a month of unlimited tram, metro, and bus rides – and (unlike some M-Buses) the transportation is reliable and on time!

The Program

The first two days after arriving in Prague were filled with mandatory orientation sessions to get to know the students, the staff, the program, and the city plus its culture. If you were expecting long and boring presentations (like I was), you’d be wrong. The orientations were actually fun and informative, giving us a great chance to meet the other students, learn about all the opportunities the program offers, and even go on a scavenger hunt across the city! Although my team didn’t win (the stop for gelato might’ve slowed us down), the fun experiences and friendships I made through orientation were so much better than I expected.

P.S. If you're wondering what kinds of opportunities the program offers… you’ll just have to wait until I post about it. I don’t want to spoil the surprise :)

I know what many of you are wondering: What classes am I taking? How hard are they? What’s my schedule? I am taking Calculus 3 for 2 hours and Cross-Cultural Management for 3 hours, both Monday through Wednesday. You know what this means – 4-day weekends! This schedule is perfect for traveling with friends and making the most of my time here! (Spoiler alert: We’re planning to go to Vienna). As for the difficulty and structure of classes, it’s hard to tell. Classes just started so things feel manageable for now. I’ll keep you updated in future posts on how classes here compare to classes in the U.S.

The City

Oh… My… Goodness. Prague is one of – if not the most beautiful city I’ve ever laid eyes on. From the gothic architecture, to the mouth-watering food, to the lively nightlife – there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t found something to do or see. Everywhere I look, there are stunning buildings and incredible statues that you just don’t experience in the U.S. Over the weekend I went to visit Prague Castle, Old Town Square, and Vyšehrad castle with my friends for the first time and… wow. Just wow. Words can’t do it justice.

And the food! I’ve always been a picky eater, so coming to a country where I didn’t know anything about the culture made me think I’d be eating McDonald’s for the next two months. But once I tasted beef goulash and an authentic Prague sausage, I immediately fell in love.

And don’t even get me started on Prague’s nightlife. The number of clubs and bars here is wild – there’s never a boring night. Going out with my friends I just met has been one of the best ways to get closer and build that tight-knit group. My all-time favorite thing to do? Jazz clubs! These Prague jazz players know how to get groovy.

Thank you for reading my post about my first week! The next couple of weeks are only going to get better, so make sure to stick around and see what I get up to. See you next time!

Patricio Sandoval-Sanchez

Mechanical Engineering

IPE: Engineering in Prague, Czech Republic

[theloniousbach]

GOING DUTCH, SPRING BREAK STUDY ABROAD TRIP TO THE NETHERLANDS, 7-15 MARCH 2025

I asked the eight students in my short term study abroad trip to Leiden 8-15 March 2025 to journal as an assignment to prompt reflection and to fix some wonderful memories. I knew I was going to take this as a writing prompt, but I am glad to know that they are assembling cartoons and photo albums, shooting films, and writing in physical books. I so look forward to what they come up with

In the meantime, I have this for myself.

DAY 1+

I have made it to Leiden, The Netherlands, with my class ISTL 2550 on culture and history that extends my exploration of place as a lens to understand, well yeah, culture and history that has informed my other teaching in the bookend seminars in our Global Citizenship Program. I slept, with old guy interruptions, for 11 hours and feel human.

With last year’s experience getting to the Galapagos in mind, getting here was a breeze. The planes left on time, we stuck together, and we got to Leiden in late morning.

We dropped our bags at the hotel and were off to the famous market around the canals. Most of us, serially at least, found the food truck with the fresh French Fries served interestingly and effectively with mayonnaise that we saw in a video on street food. I at least didn’t really eat lunch but got a couple of welcome cuppas of tea. I was ready for the proffered feast of Greek food prepared by a friend of the Leiden campus. I at least ate everything offered—plus tastes of all the desserts. Of course.

I dragged my group to the Young Rembrandt Studio which was where he apprenticed. It is just a small storefront and back room, assertedly the studio itself, where they showed a brief, clever video which suits my museum proclivities.

We straggled in there in waves as we were back at our hotel after a brief orientation meeting and many napped, in some cases too much. I did not taking that time instead to shower and attempt to do my regular puzzles however poorly I could manage.

That set me up for that unprecedented night’s sleep which has prepared me for the day at the Wereld Museum for anthropology and a walking tour/treasure hunt. At the top of my free time list is to go to the history of science museum dedicated to Herman Boerhave. That’s an obvious choice. Hortus Botanicus is Monday.

DAY 2

My poor sore feet are propped up on the bed in front of me, each one mad at me for their 7800 steps each. My legs are just fine, but them feets…

Some of it is the cobblestones and some is museum standing in that we had a well curated tour of the World Museum, the new iteration of the Ethnographic Museum based on von Siebold’s collections. A University of Leiden doctoral student in museum anthropology used a small handful of objects/displays/rooms to illuminate fascinating insights about the objects themselves while giving us much to think about on a meta level about museums. I was back in my pre-Edgar Anderson dissertation days, albeit looking back with the knowledge that I did in fact finish. I wrote our guide but realized that, besides reviewing a couple of books, my thinking about museums is based on material from over 30 years ago.

Similarly, we took an app-guided walking tour with a Webster-Leiden student leader who seems to have spent the rest of day hanging out with the group I brought. But, whereas the other group lost patience, we stuck with it. I fear my enthusiasm didn’t give the others enough space to give up since they didn’t ask Sam for lessons before hand. Still, I gladly trekked around at this place where a Pilgrim leader lived and where Rembrandt’s parents lived when he was born and the old city hall and such. Mostly we saw an assortment of nooks and crannies in the old city.

I joined the group for McDonald’s for lunch and do think it was marginally better than the US version. Dinner was at a storefront Syrian restaurant where I read about the violence with the Alawites in their home country is actually the reaction of defeated Assad loyalists. I got about three times as much food as I did at McDonald’s for the same price.

My school issued charge card is being rejected as either that I didn’t set up a PIN number is an issue or, despite my best efforts, they don’t know that I’m in Europe. That’s a slight headache with an extra bookkeeping step but not a real problem.

The other observation is just how freaking tall the Dutch are. Let me put it this way—the urinals in the gents’ don’t quite require me to rely on tiptoes, but….

DAY 3

I found out at breakfast, I was not the only one who had stumbled on the medieval practice of “two sleeps.” I’d slept well for nearly three hours and then was up for almost the same amount of time before falling back asleep for the final three hours. In the Middle Ages, communities would even come together outside before heading back for the final stretch. For us, we are responding to jet lag and body memories that we’re going to bed in late afternoon at home. We need to sleep but it’s really a long nap. Our ancestors’ time, driven by the sun and therefore natural, seems “distorted” to us.

I heard the family channel ping and got up to see that they were talking in their late evenings about overlapping events in their weekends. I let them know that I was getting the messages too. They were chagrined but I found it reassuring and soon went back to sleep. Since I am writing in the morning about yesterday, I had another “two sleep” night and so just FaceTimed with Ellen before she went to bed.

Yesterday was Hortus Botanicus day to at least my great delight. It was a wonderful sunny day but there haven’t been that many of them and really only crocuses were blooming. We started with a replica of Clusius’ Garden, a teaching, physic garden, remarkable small and utilitarian to the point of being non-descript. Similarly, they have a long row of small rectangular beds, in a systematic botany garden that collects related plant families and a view of their evolution, a living herbarium when it’s growing. There was extensive signage that I would absorb over many, many visits but, for now, they represent a nifty concept. Again, little was in bloom, so the small but important Japanese Garden and other specialty displays were ideas to be realized in season. It’s my trip, so I imposed it on the group with apologies muted or brazened through because I modeled bringing a curiousity to the trip to compared our two places.

We had a meal there and again I ate my fill but the young ‘uns were uncertain of cheese wraps, quiches, and baba ganoush on a nice pumpernickel. Oh well.

We returned to campus for more orientation and then an afternoon off. I museumed on mine, getting to the Boerhaave for history of science and the one dedicated to antiquities. Like the World Museum, these were the briefest of surveys to admire their conceptions and collections. It was a helpful to think of Boerhaave and van Luewenhoek and Merian and books and instruments as a frame for the history of science. Seeing relics of the Roman Empire found in present day Netherlands was probably the new thing I learned. But I rushed past them too as I did Egyptian, Greek, Roman, and Etruscan treasures, content to revisit such impressions and let them reverberate with other memories.

Both the van Siebold House and the Meet and Make Yarn store were closed. With the windmill and textile museums plus the market as a possibility, I am strongly considering not going back to Amsterdam on Wednesday afternoon. I am getting comfortable with Leiden and have some trepidation about the bigger city. That means I may not see much if any of the Rijksmusem, letting Mauritshaus in The Hague serve for my art museum.

My school issued credit card is not working despite a third call to its service office and the requisite assurances. I checked back with school and there is some thought that Dutch regulations around PINs may preclude its use. If it’s worthless, while I can and am putting things on my own card, I might have brought another, designated personal card.

We ran into the student who is studying abroad who worked with me to plan the class. She joined a group of us as we ate at an Indian restaurant.

Today is Amsterdam with Anne Frank House as our focus. I’m thinking that I’ll go on a canal cruise rather than the Rijksmuseum and head back after an earlyish dinner. But the day is ahead of us.

DAY 4

I somehow have enough wind in my sails to write today’s installment before going to be. I may well process things for a stretch in the night, but, perhaps this processing will head off some of that.

We made it to Amsterdam with the benefit of my school issued credit card. I was somewhat worried about all those logistics but, once we got there, I jumped into even deeper water by going off by myself to Stephen & Penelope (he is a famous Ravelry designer) to buy a sweater’s worth of yarn. So I got eight skeins of a maroonish DK weight in their house brand. I tried to FT with the knitter thinking she’d be up at 6, but I ended up pulling the trigger on my own.

All that was before meeting everyone at Anne Frank House. We had a special presentation that concentrated the points from the audio tour, but added contextual insights. That they called Kristilnacht the November Pogrom is a nice touch (though the Amsterdam Jew Hunt of November 2024 is nearly another). I was moved by the helpers who went all in immediately. Miep Gies, an office worker of Otto Frank’s, was particularly moving in telling about giving Otto the diaries after they heard of Anne’s murder. It made it a story of struggle and not victimhood. One of my Dutch colleagues told of his grandfather quietly absorbing a twelfth child in a big family, hiding a Jewish duck among the chickens. People acted in solidarity in important ways, as we so often do. The rise of Hitler though was explained as if the German workers were passive (they weren’t) and the treachery of the Stalinists omitted. I was also moved by Anne’s promise and fulfillment as a writer. She found that almost immediately.

Most of us ate pancakes for lunch. I had a savory Dutch one with bacon, cheese, and apple.

A smaller group went on a canal tour which I I found very rewarding as a chance to see the city in that way with a usefully curated narration.

Back to Leiden on the rush hour train and then off to dinner. There I was asked again if I was going to teach such a class again. Well, not in 2026, so can I do this in 2027 at age 71.5? Why not, but where? How about teaching online for Leiden so that their students could come to St Louis? Or we come back in 2027 or go to Geneva or Athens or Vienna and then do St Louis in 2028?

Tomorrow, we have 11 am talks on campus and then the rest of the day to ourselves. Several want to go back to Amsterdam and there’s much to do there. But, rather than the time, but also stress, of the commute, I’m going to stay in Leiden and continue to use my Museum card. When I was in Europe 50 years ago, we followed my father’s keep moving philosophy. I now see the value of getting to absorb a place.

It was a fine day.

DAY 5

This was largely an off day with the only fixed point an on campus talk about the value of cultural studies and recognizing various ranges/frames for thinking about the variation. Good but familiar stuff from a slightly too enthusiastic instructor. He went on and my on-site collaborator called the good option of forgoing her probably more needed talk on contemporary sex trafficking and slavery preparing us for a walking tour of the red light district tomorrow.

Several of us were out early (one of us didn’t sleep at all, I slept for six straight hours but was up before 5 am).

I framed my day with my fear of heights cramping my style. I went first thing to the Burcht, the old fortress, on a high mound, originally to avoid flooding but a darn good military position to hold. I walker around the battlement only glancing out over it and keeping my hand on the inside rail. At the Windmill Museum, I climbed the steep stairs at least to the third from the top level, but stopped there with the view from the open door interrupted regularly by the vibrating blades. I then backed down, as I was supposed to, very very carefully, as I wasn’t supposed to.

That was also my fifth entry on my Museum Card which I thought would get me into the Biodiversity Museum near Leiden Centraal tomorrow morning and back to the World Museum in late afternoon. But, no, it’s not unlimited entry. It’s five until you send in a picture for a card to be mailed to an EU address. So, while I probably got what I paid for, I wouldn’t have bought it if it were at all clear what I was really getting.

Still, today I circled back to Hortus’ history by going to the Von Sieblod House Japanese Museum, seeing his collection and getting a firm grasp of his time there. Then on to the Lakenhal Museum which I thought would reflect the cloth trade which was on this site. It certainly had some of that—and some interesting contemporary reflections on textiles, trade, and exploitation, but there was also a useful small collection of Dutch art through the Golden Age, including four works by 18 year old Rembrandt. But all the paintings too were a reflection of the wealth this trade yielded. Thus, it with the Windmill Museum helped fix an understanding of Leiden’s wealth.

I had a good mix of science (Hortus and Boerhaave plus Von Siebold) with trade and industry (Von Siebold, textiles, and windmills) with antiquities too.

While I stayed in Leiden by way of focusing in rebellion with my father, I nonetheless followed him in too quick tours for an overall impression, rather than immersion.

Locked out of museums in late afternoon, I spent a wonderful 45 minutes in the sun looking over the canal at the Windmill Museum.

My lunch was at the campus recommended Brownies and Downies, as in, wincingly, the syndrome of many of the workers in this basically sheltered workshop. A good cause with remarkably good food. Then a small coteries of students and I went for rijstaffel at an Indonesian restaurant. Too much food but just as memorable as the highlight meal in Amsterdam during the late Summer/early Fall 1975 European trip. Written that way, it hits me that that was nearly 50 years ago when I was about the age of my students. That’s reassuring. Probably?

DAY 6

I did not write before going to bed last night, but I am now up before my second straight 8 hours of normal sleep, not straight through, but c’mon, I’m 69 years old. I was so astonished when I woke up yesterday that I resolved to spend my morning walking to campus and grading papers. I got to 13 of the 15 available and therefore only about 1/3 remain. Not having that as a burden will make it easier to get back to school on Tuesday.

It was gray all day but I was also glad for getting out in Leiden on my own. I trod off thinking I knew ways parallel to the familiar routes, but needed brief GPS corrections. But parts of this town make sense and I could turn off Google Maps for most of the day

Amsterdam, on the other hand, is, like Manhattan, overwhelming. One of us was edgy and overstimulated even by the train ride. I was okay with others and was struck with just how wonderfully the students are serially stepping forward for tasks, scoping out train platforms and tram routes to point us to locations. As I wrote home, we are anxious in complementary ways—and often enough that anxiety leads to solving collective problems, helping those who might be overwhelmed by certain tasks. That a group of honors/high achieving students want to be on time and be right is not at all surprising. Coming into the trip, I was worried about all such logistic things and having to have all the answers. I built in some rotating assistance. The first couple of days were magnificently handled so that a collective tone was set. Complementary anxiety to the rescue.

I am almost a year removed from being hospitalized in Quito and phone calls back home with my anxiety complement where she insisted then that she or our cosmopolitan son would just go along with me. Since I rely on each of them for such details day to day and that they are effective leaders, I then imagined them helping with all of this instead of my health which I figured would be okay. But a different collective has pulled through.

Our day’s focus was on the red light district. We ate lunch at a restaurant Dignita that is staffed by those escaping from the windows, a different shunned group in a different sort of sheltered workshop from the previous day’s Brownies and Downies. It was a hard place to have an introductory, get to know you conversation with our host. But the food was good, if subject to misunderstanding. Evidently we were each supposed to split a sandwich, but I ate a full one as my fellow egg/bacon/mushroom sandwich eater was way across the table.

We did more orientations outside in a moment of sun and then were off, past the windows in a neighborhood that also has families, food markets, churches, and more than a little gentrification. Office 52 seems to be a major, perhaps corporate, player in the “industry.” According to our interlocutor from the Prostitution Information Center (“save our windows, not our souls”), everyone is an entrepreneur who merely rents space and works for as long as they decide. It’s the gig (or gag) economy, as three blowjobs an hour at 50 euros each is good money. He was sex positive in a rather grim way. Nobody is coerced, nobody can define trafficking and why do we use it for this kind of work but not migrant labor in the tulip fields or cleaning hotels; it’s just capitalism. But, alienated labor is no fun and, as Marx said, for the worker life begins when we set down our tools. That’s hardly an endorsement. Indeed, I asked at the dinner table, if it was sex for the sex worker as it might be for the client. Our interlocutor reported that however feminine present many are, there’s a high percentage of non-binaries in the windows. Sure, you alienate your nature to make a living.

Of course, our sheltered, presumably conventional, nice, do gooding group disagreed. Yet, we went inside an art gallery with sexual images around a theme of pleasure, but stood inside a condom museum and, though my group left, probably walked by but didn’t go in a sex toy museum. Though certainly part of the ambiance, the relationship to the socioeconomics of the windows isn’t clear. Were we to see them the same or differently?

I have sympathy for the PIC representatives skepticism of do gooders. Plenty of well intentioned reforms lead to rippling counterproductive consequences.

I am a staunch advocate of free love—in the free speech, not free beer, sense. Not promiscuity, but freedom from coercion so that it’s a choice, an equal choice, based on economic and emotional independence. The politics necessary to make that happen goes way beyond mere reform. Equally though sex is deeply personal and if you’re thinking about politics or making some sort of social statement by having sex, you’re doing it wrong.

The upshot is that I left with a sadness and my utter conventionality reinforced.

Back to Leiden during rush hour with the early group. Italian food and introvert time sufficient to clear the decks for a good night sleep.

Our last day is to The Hague for art at the Mauritshaus and lunch with a friend’s brother and co-artist/partner.

DAY 7

Lobby call in less than an hour. I guess I slept a bit properly there at the end, but lots of shallow sleep, if that, early. Understandably enough and, though I have tried to not let my anxiety be contagious, my young charges thought the timeline I set was quite reasonable. Some thought it a bit lax.

We marched out smartly for The Hague before nine and got to Mauritshaus to meet our Webster-Leiden guide and get in the opening queue. I put the museum’s app on my phone and listened to the narration at many treasures. I can go back to it for more at home. I took plenty of tourist photos—The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Tulp and a self-portrait in Rembrandt’s last year, for example—but let me make Frans Hals’ wonderful Laughing Boy up as slightly less cliched. I had just taken my obligatory shot of Vermeer’s Girl With the Pearl Earring when I got E’s “I’m awake” text. My answer was that picture and the “At this very moment” caption.

While my young charges tended to rush through—without the app, without the context, maybe without a liberal arts education yet/ever—I was thrilled. This is a rich moment in Western art and even “minor” examples are exquisite. Yet, it was interesting and essential to see them in person and up close. I could see better how the magic was made (and the commentaries helped) and that it enhanced the illusion. Paintings like these really are meant to be lived with and returned to again and again. Tourist museum trips aren’t enough.

In preparation, I read Laura Cummings’ Thunderclap which hangs on the death of Carel Fabritius in the Delft Explosion of 1654. She uses him as a window into the era, but also her experiences as a viewer and ducking into museums to see works again and again. Seeing his Goldfinch was illuminated by having all that backstory and context.

I went from there to see a friend’s big brother Dmitry Gelfand and his partner/collaborator Evelina Domnitch. They are artists of a most modern cast, creating work that captures cutting edge insights in chemistry and physics. The science is resolutely not metaphorical, rather they construct wonderful demonstrations that reflect the beauty of the world on that level. Their science chops are genuine if self taught. They even go to scientific conferences and had an article, not paper as such, published in Nature. Their websites with videos of their work will be the first comment.

I was the last one back to town and I did it solo, even figuring out which local to get on when the obvious express to Amsterdam Centraal was delayed. Leiden was the first stop on the local so it did not matter one bit. Last day and I could free lance.

Our hosts planned a very pleasant gathering both to debrief and then unwind over dinner. I was very pleased to see how students talked to staff, Leiden folks talked to St Louisans, and even how our group was shuffled amongst ourselves.

It was a fitting end, but we/I were all tired and anxious to wrap up, pack, and try to sleep ahead of 22 hours of airplanes. All we have to do is manage.

Let’s just assume we do indeed manage. I’ll make mention of that in a more reflective epilogue after we get back and I settle.

Thanks for reading.

DAY 8

We’re back home! It was a 25 hour day with only slight collective drama—we waited over an hour in Houston for the pilot to arrive from his previous flight and then a too long (but really probably no more than three minutes) stretch of pretty severe turbulence—and a bit more personal (the delay meant I needed to cab home and ended up with a driver without a phone, meaning cash and handwritten receipt. And in the hassle and fatigue, I left my satchel in the cab. I’m confident we can get the stuff but it is maximally aggravating). But, the year before, I was in a Quito Hospital while it took the others two days to get back with multiple and fragmented flights back. So we had a remarkably smooth time all told.

I’m up after only four hours’ sleep, largely because of the aftermath of the cab ride, on the rationalization that one should start living in the target time zone as quickly as possible. I’m washing clothes, etc, but have few higher function tasks today. But I’m working on four hours of sleep in the last 33 hours and it will be up to 46 hours, if I can make it to normal bedtime. And my pre-travel sleep was good—for pre-travel sleep.

So, the epilogue is to come.

The main story of the flight is that I watched four movies (!?!), early recognition that I was already crispy around the edges. I bookended them by rewatching two caper movies, The Sting for the first time in over 50 years, and Ocean’s Eleven. Newman/Redford became Clooney/Pitt and, by now, there has to be another pairing of 30 something pretty boys. But I do like capers.

I am even more familiar with Pride and Prejudice, but I hadn’t seen the Keira Knightley/2005 version. So that was a treat. Knightley, 20 at the time, was the right age and had an appropriate impishness that showed a different side of Lizzie’s prejudice. She still made an appealingly strong, principled Lizzie, standing up to Collins (fatuous, of course, but properly slight), Lady Catherine (Judi Dench, commanding but, with less Collins puffery not quite as imposing), and Darcy 1.0. I am no judge of brooding young men, but Matthew McFadyen (looked him up) was like Knightley and Dench nicely underplayed. He looks genuinely befuddled and uncomfortable, his pride vulnerable. Lydia, but also Mary and Kitty, are properly children. Donald Sutherland chews some very tasty scenery as Mr Bennet with several comic turns. The English countryside and rural life were more vivid as I had Dutch paintings in my head.

And, I finally saw Field of Dreams. Though, I am as much a sucker for baseball, fathers and sons, and pride in those aspects of America, I don’t think it’s epic. Just a nicely done little movie with the best performance from Amy Madigan as Annie Kinsella. But I have rectified an egregious omission in my cultural repertoire. There’s an academic satire novel, probably David Lodge, where the likes of me, play a game in the same spirit of Two Truths and a Lie where they confess having not read some book that others would think they certainly actually had read. Fields of Dream had been kind of like that, though, having read Lodge or whomever, I freely owned that I hadn’t seen it.

I’ll let the epilogue slowly marinate at whatever speed my brain works today and try to write it after a reasonable sleep at a proper hour in Central Daylight Time.

But I am back, happy to be so and thrilled to have some many vivid Dutch memories.

EPILOGUE

I reported in a comment to Day 8 in this series that the satchel I left in the cab the night before was returned by the very conscientious cabbie in late morning. We had tracked that the iPad had moved and thought he was going to the airport. We got in the car and realized he was coming our way. We got back just as he was parking in front of the house. A happy ending, mostly expected based on my sense of him from the night before, but quite a relief.

Equally important is that, though still with a sleep deficit, I am not jet lagged in that I feel completely in Central Daylight Time. I was up before 6 am and stayed up until 9:30 with only a brief nap while on our home Bio/PEMF mat. It was otherwise a low key day spent with puzzles and the backlog of journalism from my various aggregators. That eclectic array of articles on Thessaloniki to the Brothers Grimm to art forgery to madness memoirs were long enough to engage but didn’t ask me to keep too many things straight at once. The breadth also kept me from flagging. It was that I was “exercising” in that way, not any particular content.

Meanwhile, percolating in the background is this REFLECTION in about three parts.

First, I am smitten by THE NETHERLANDS and LEIDEN in particular. The country is the right mix of foreign and familiar. Certainly, the presence of English just below the surface is reassuring and I used the suggested approach of asking if we could use English, rather than presuming. But they could tell just as I could tell that there were different words, written and spoken, different customs, different foods, and a different sense of the world around me—bicycles, canals, breads, and, above all, history. Most buildings of note had been there for a while when St Louis was a little frontier outpost in 1764, though equally by then the Dutch Golden Age had receded and other European powers were transcending them. LEIDEN is particularly comfortable, completely walkable and small enough to become familiar. The size and bustle of Amsterdam was even more overwhelming to others than to me, but I stuck with the group and our planned activities there. Those planned activities were sobering, Anne Frank House and the Red Light District. Anne Frank House was far from kitschy and focused on victimhood, though that was a fear. I choose to see a story of resistance and human solidarity. The politics were inevitably muddled, but, again, there were those embers to fan and build on. The Red Light District awakened the old polemics in me—that mere opposition to stuffy moralism via lifestylism is not just insufficient but a distraction and that the oppression of women is more fundamentally baked into this rotten society than even Jew hatred. With cautious questions from Dutch friends about what’s going on in US politics and a general lack of clarity to that discussion, this old soldier feels called to fundamental class truths.

I reverted to form and got to know Leiden through its museums. Hortus was a focus and a chance for me to model bringing a curiosity to test our concepts of place against. I followed up with the Japanese Museum Von Siebold House. Another theme was Dutch commerce and the Lakenhal Museum gave a taste of the cloth trade while also having a charming painting collection. Similarly, the Da Valk Windmill Museum was important. Our organized tour of the World Museum was both a useful meta discussion of the cultural considerations re: museum making (which advanced the place discussion) and a nifty collection of anthropological artifacts displayed informed by some of those discussions. The Antiquities Museum had an equally representative collection in modern display to which I could apply the meta discussion going on in my head before the World Museum’s docent’s talk.

Given the importance of Dutch Baroque and Golden Age painting, Mauritshaus was, after Hortus, my favorite museum. So many treasures—Tulp, Pearl Earring, and, my contrarian favorite, Laughing Boy—but fathomable. I opted not to go to the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam thinking that I couldn’t do it justice. Indeed, in all these museums, I rushed through lingering occasionally but resigned to the fact that I wouldn’t have the benefit of repeat visits. Still Mauritshaus felt less overwhelming.

My second appreciation is of the STUDENTS. They were precisely as curious and alive to the experience as I hoped. More than once, they discovered something that led them to want to change their projects. They took care of one another—and me. I was welcome at meals with them and I, at least, didn’t notice cliques. But, sensing that these high achieving students were like young and current me, I delegated some/most of the logistical worry to them in the name of creating commitment to the project and providing them with leadership opportunities. After last year’s rough times in the Galapagos, I was as worried about having to be the grown up in the face of a logistical nightmare. I was ready to do that, but I was perfectly glad to let them step forward on the easy stuff while giving them full support when needed. But it wasn’t needed much and I really benefited from just going with their flow. Their energy was striking to me and to my collaborators, our hosts. I realize that my open ended/learn in your own way about something that matters to you is really just an effort to not get in the way of their learning as conventional assignments do—and they took the adventure. I would say I was proud of them, but Edgar Anderson teaches me instead to take pleasure in what they learned. Still, I AM proud of them for his reason, for what they taught me.

Finally, I showed myself that I’M NOT TOO OLD for this, at least yet. A year ago, lying in my Quito hospital bed, I wondered about that. I am spry and as fit as I’ve ever been, pleased that I still shock them that I’m grandparental age and they want to know if I’ll do it again. Well, you know, just maybe. Spring 2027 would be the next best opportunity when I would be staring at turning 72. Back to Leiden where there is so much more to see, the comfortable size, and there is such great support? Or one of the other campuses in bigger cities? What I think is even more appealing though, maybe for Spring or Fall 2026, is to Zoom teach a bunch of Leiden—or European—students and then bring them to St Louis to explore these themes of place in relation to history and culture.

If my reflexes are still there after Anne Frank House and the Red Light District, so are, probably even more so, the teaching ones. That’s a rewarding gift.

[olderjodijournals]

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1988

I’m downtown now and I have been for almost 4 hours. At 9am, I walked down here and went to SIS, my bank. It looks like I have gotten my checks. Thank God!

Afterward, I went to Friendly’s, then saw Rose. Personally, I think she sucks!

I’m now on Chestnut St. waiting to see the doctor. What much can he do? I need to quit smoking, but it is just so damn hard!

The nurse just weighed me at 118 pounds. I’m so fat! I sure as hell hope I lose it this spring like I usually do.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 1988

Today I woke up at 9am. I went to get that Nicorette gum the doctor gave me a prescription for yesterday to try to help me quit smoking. He said my lungs were so bad and that I needed to quit. I think I’ve had 9 cigarettes altogether today, but a few hours ago I became deadly determined. I’m only 22, so it’s now or never. Better to get it over with and to have smoked for 8 years rather than for 40. Besides, singers shouldn’t smoke, and I could save $80 - $100 a month.

Later…

Just a little while ago the urge to smoke was quite bad but I didn’t touch it! I chewed the gum.

I’m so damn pissed, though. I forgot all about my sign class tonight!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1988

Crystal came home early with a bad ulcer. She said she went to the ER. She can’t work tomorrow or the day after. I hope she doesn’t get fired.

I have smoked only 4 cigarettes today, but it pisses me off that I just can’t cut it out for good.

Got some books in the mail today. I was pissed that they sent me a book I already have. I wonder when I’ll get my books for getting Crystal in as a member.

Later…

I didn’t do too much today but tomorrow I am going to go down to welfare to pick up my photo ID. I’m also going to call the bank to see if my other check came and pick up a few things at Food Mart.

Crystal is listening to the radio now. Earlier I was teaching her some signs.

It’s been quite pleasant not seeing Nervioso for a few days. I really want nothing more to do with him.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 1988

I’m so pissed at myself! I bought 2 packs of cigarettes. It seems I can never quit. I’m so pissed! I can’t breathe, and I wanted to save the money.

Tuesday I must remember to go to my sign language class. I was so pissed off at myself for forgetting last week. Nervioso was so jealous he couldn’t take me to my classes. I haven’t seen him in 4 days and I never felt better.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1988

Today is my usual appointment with Rose at 3:00 but I doubt Community Care is open today because it’s Washington’s birthday. I called PCS and they said the buses are running.

I also called Emily, but she was a bitch cuz she just woke up so I didn’t even waste my time talking to her.

Crystal is still asleep as I thought she’d be. She goes to sleep late like I used to.

It looks like she did get fired from McDonald’s. I don’t think she ever gave a damn about the job and I don’t think she wants to work. What with all the money she owes her old landlord for rent, the gas company, the phone company, the electric company - she’s up shit’s creek. All I know is I better get my rent money.

I guess she’s never gonna get the garbage bags she said she’d get. Looks like I’m gonna have to get them, but the bitch is gonna pay me back. She’s gonna buy her share of household needs and do her share of chores or she can pack her shit and go.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1988

Without saying a word, I called Kevin to see if he’d say anything. He did. He said, “So, you’re gonna move to the Hamden East condos, huh?”

This is in response to my mentioning that during my little phone games. Anyway, the little asshole sounded nervous as all hell, breathing heavily.

Ma called this morning at 9:30 to say Daddy was fine and that they were able to do a triple bypass on him.

I was pissed last night cuz Tammy went down there without me, but Philip said if God forbid anything happens he’ll take me down to Florida. Uncle Marty was pissed at Ma cuz she never called him about dad. They found out by me cuz yesterday I tried to reach Tammy in Salem and I found out through Bill’s parents.

I almost missed Ma’s call last night cuz Crystal keeps turning off the ringer on my pink phone and forgetting to turn it on again, so this morning I told Crystal not to shut the ringer off if she couldn’t remember to turn it back on.

At 2:30, I have to see Dr. Franklin. I’ll walk there. In fact, I’ll start walking now.

[kittyfairyblog]

January 28 2025

Meow meow, greetings and welcome to my one and only blog. Well everything is going rather smoothly now that it is blogging time which is 1 pm sometime. My display port to HDMI adapters came in the mail today and I hooked it right up to my new to me desktop. Okay so I got up around 10:40 something in the morning and got ready for the day. I made my bed right off the bat and then grabbed a couple of things to take with me to the front part of the house. I put my breakfast bowl and cup in the kitchen sink and I then made myself something to eat for lunch. I had leftovers for lunch and ate them at the usual place in the dining room. Meow once I finished eating I took out the trash to the carport. After taking out the trash, I took Kylie outside on her morning walk. The grass was a little bit wet but I still took her around the yard a number of times. While taking her for a walk I heard the mail coming so I was a bit upset about hearing the mail early. I came back inside with Kylie and started putting away the dinner dishes from last night and I also did the dishes. Meow once I finished that I sat down in the living room and waited for the mail. The mail came around 11:30 AM and I went outside to check the mail with Kylie. I gathered the mail and brought it inside along with Kylie. I put away the mail and I opened my package which was the Display Port to HDMI adapters for my desktop computer. I went to my room, put in the Display Port to HDMI adapter and it worked on my new computer. Meow well I hadn't used my new computer yet again and its been on my mind while doing other things. I then grabbed my Switch and my laptop and went to the front part of the house. I put my laptop down on the dining room tablet and put my Switch in the living room. I was going to play Animal Crossing on my Switch but I was a little distracted. So instead I went on my phone looked up things. I am thinking about buying a portable monitor for my new computer. Meow this neko boy then watched a couple of YouTube videos until it came to be 12:30 pm and I took Kylie outside around the yard. It was a bit more warmer outside than it had been the first time I took Kylie outside so I didn't bring my coat. Meow I brought Kylie back inside and made myself some tuna and crackers for a snack. I had my snack and then sat down in the living room. I am listening to BoA while I work on wrapping up this entry.

Yesterday I ended up writing a little in my novel. I didn't feel like writing so I put it up and instead played some Animal Crossing. At almost 8 pm my mom had to take my dad's pain medicine to him since he forgot it. My mom left the house and I was alone with Kylie for a while. I didn't know what to do so I searched for some cables but didn't find the one I was looking for. Well my mom came back home. She had to take my sister's car to take the meds to my dad at work because he already took our car.

Well that about covers everything. It is still 1 pm something and I got a while to go. I hope everyone has a good week. My Adult Ballet teacher around to answering my email today of all things and messaged me back saying come next week. So I guess that means next Monday I will get to go to classes as usual. Anyway I might post some pictures this time around. Hopefully you all will like them. Until next time, bye.

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

10.14.25 Rainy Days and Monday's always get me down???

6:03 am

Still,have windblow...

Preparin' to take off... Our new schedule is 8am... I need to keep a job and money... I still need to pay loans and creditz...

Awhile ago, Crysette or the bad kid Ivan pull out the plug again... Still,this is the house of my adoptive parent's ... Yes,we are connecting on them but something they did since 2007...

Everything is in wrong situation here...

But I will shoulder the wifi if I get my salary in a lil while... Please God I badly need big money...

Paying loans and creditz but I still want vanity...

But hoping to be spoiled again,where my salary is just mine and for John or if ever I just wanna share... Coz middle-class daughter or son are like that but I know,I have to face the reality of pain...

Like the Ferrari girl in Teleperformance Molino, she just wanted to try and work in call center,if she can get success like my own agenda. But now, I'm so poorish, I badly need to keep a job.

The Ferrari girl is working for herself but her parent's said if you can get success there it is up to you... Still, she is getting a gas or petrol allowance from her parent's... Her fundings is on a pause,probably she wants to own a business...

7:15 pm

Still,have windblow...

Here in Ely's funeral event just for an hour... Done, eating dinner in the house then I went here to visit Ely....

They moved the burial day on Wednesday at 2:30 pm...

May his soul be in heaven... You will never be forgotten Ely...

Thanks for being a friend...

Jessie,Arnel, & Kuya Joel...

7:34 pm

Still,have windblow...

Hmm... Well,today in Disney+, being there is a blessing but scary... You don't even know when is your time to use that St. Peter service or probably an evil eye is there... Nobody can tell...

My only and last call for today is with Mr king.rudy808... I thought he said ting.rudy... In a lil while I figured out it was King! Not Ting... His case is pending application and he said he wanted to stream on his mobile. I said that his case is on pending status,meaning he registered in Disney+ plus but not yet purchasing anything. So, what I did was "walk through" on the browser supposed to be on disney.plus.com. I told king to give me few minutes to check my resources coz I will walk him through to update his profile or to buy a subscription. Then, when I went back to him he dropped the call...

I had have a hard time on finding article or documents in Disney+, their articles system list are not user-friendly. I had a hard time locating the "existing subscriber" what I searched was log-in or update profile is not appearing on the search result... Ms Anj sent me the link it was under "sign-up" then inside you will see that "existing subscriber"... Grrr...

8:40 pm

Still,have windblow...

Yeah! I wanna see Rocky for old time sake... I need a beauty doctor... For old time sake,this x-partner that I wanna see for beauty tool...

I don't wanna see my X-Ryan coz he is a baby and I used to be a baby of Rocky....

I'm looking for Shaun the hunk TL....Hope to see him... I need back-up coz I badly need a job...

Probably,I'm longing to have a circle of friends,that's why I wanna see my real brotherhood Rocky and my x-partner... But I'm flowing.... I need to work and he told me during our younger years that I should try to be in a call center... But as time goes by, I've learned that it is either purity or monkey business...

I really don't wanna fade... I need a brotherhood now or circle of friends....I need a consistency on friendship....I don't know... I need big money and I want vanity! I really don't wanna fade... I wanna nose perfection and breast implants. I have complex in me that I can't get success that I always feel stupid and ugly for 17 years...

I told Nang or Sis Nang that I planned to do "monkey business" it was just a joke... But joke are half-meant. I asked her if she wanna join me and Nang said I don't like it and I will avoid it. Hahaha I said if we can just pick-up the money from the floor...

Should I feel guilty for eating a 1 slice of cake given by Aunt Karen coz it was her birthday last 11th of this month... I miss going to gym even for 2 hours but I don't have a car or money... I really feel self-pity...

I still need to stretch coz my S-bones will be in pain... No joke!!!

Is Mitch guilty on something? Until when she will escape the crime she did???

I don't wanna fade... I need a beauty tool, Rocky...

I need a movement for money Rocky...

11:39 pm

Still,have windblow...

I don't like INC or church of christ! Coz they are unfair...

[smalife1234]

This is our Eighth weekly smiles! Please enjoy the read!

What made me smile this week?

Monday, 9/16/24 - today, I woke up around 6:00 Am and then went on the bus on the bus me and. Our friends we're laughing! And then in the first period, we had a substitute like we've been having since Friday! We worked on a tiny worksheet for a while! During the first period, I got our channel semi-remodeled! I made a new channel banner since I thought our channel was missing something! But I got it done and it looks fantastic! Then, in the second period, we got this large packet, but I completed it on the first day and just continued to do work on my laptop 💻! Then, at lunch, I got a salad, but also lunch was a bit hectic! Our friend Nichole started dying of laughter! Because I made a disgusted face towards the banana 🍌 and I didn't expect her to start Dying! But I got scared since I have emetophobia (fear of vomiting), and I just sat there in anticipation of silence as she coughed and practically gagged during the whole fiasco. I randomly gagged twice because of the fear and because of how sort of nasty it was! I swallow the gag, feeling down, and then say throw the milk away! She was laughing, but I kept insisting she throw the milk away. After the whole ordeal, we laughed about it, and thankfully, we're ok after! Again I did not mean to kill my friend. Sorry, so that made us smile and gag! Then, in the third period, we worked on some notes and a worksheet. Then I fourth we worked on several papers that day! Like three of them, then we got home and chilled and got to enjoy/Experience the new world tour that Subway Surfers came out with! It was pretty fun! Then, later on, we started a new catheter schedule for Luz because she had a UTI on the 2nd Day of September! So, it was not fun we set my alarms since she needed to catheterize herself every two hours! Which is a lot of catheters a day! That's like 12 on lucky days! Excluding her other bathroom trips! And if she has a bad day at least 15! Which is baffling to me! During the whole night, she kept waking up and doing two out of four, which is better than nothing! This whole day was hectic, busy, and funny, but it surely did make us smile!

Tuesday, 9/17/24 - today, we woke up at 7:00 Am, which is the latest time we've ever woke up! But we got dressed and discussed their catheters even more! Then we went on the bus where it was very rainy! And gloom out! In the first period, two people were working on the air conditioning in Mrs. Brady's, and it tends to get very hot! In her room, they were turning the air conditioner off and on again, and during that process, we had a lockdown drill. After the whole lockdown process, they dropped three tools from the ceiling, and it scared me! LOL, then I changed my wonderful keyboard to me, and I have to say I'm digging it! It looks nicer and I've already typed many things using this keyboard! Then, in the second period, Luz ate a strawberry pop tart and a honey gram cracker. I started on the rest of my notes and then we got another worksheet! But I do know that there is a half day tomorrow woo hoo! Yay Wednesday! And that's on my chemotherapy day so it's just asking to be a good day! Currently, I'm done working on my notes but working on another set, and we'll finish that worksheet Tonight or tomorrow! Then, in the third period, we worked on some notes and presented our papers and what we learned! Then, in the fourth period, we finished some papers and then did a walking around activity for the last 30 minutes of class. Then, on the bus, someone was apparently eating, so we stayed for a few minutes behind, and then Mrs. Roberts came on the bus and talked to all the students and discussed that if we ate on the bus, we would be taken off the bus! So that was a little bit scary! But we're enjoying the bus ride home talking about different things :)

Wednesday, 9/18/24 - today was a half day whoo hoo! So we only have 4 hours of college instead of 8! So that was fun. In the first period, we did a small review paper that the substitute gave us while Mrs cox was away! I gave him 1.2, but I think he lost it, and I had to do it again. I answered the reviews, and most of them weren’t difficult. I got that done and turned it in, and then I chilled for the rest of class and worked on the descriptions for YouTube second period. We had a worksheet, and I got that done and some notes, done, but for the most part, I just chilled! Then I learned some news from the substitute! That it's National Cheeseburger Day! I didn't know that so happy national cheeseburger 🍔 Day! In the third period, we worked on notes, but Mrs. Breseler was having a lifetime of a struggle getting technology to work. It eventually ended up working, and we just got some notes done and then folded a paper. I can't remember what it was called. But it made me laugh as I was confused lol. Then, in the fourth period, we tried some in-chair yoga. It was incredibly hilarious, and it made us smile and laugh. We did some papers and a web quest, which I almost completed! But it's ok! But we chilled, and at home, we finally found my ring 💍! Yay, don't worry. It got lost yesterday after we had done the dishes, but our mom found it and placed it somewhere safe! So hooray it's found! Then I exported and worked on my wedding video and got it uploaded and it's scheduled!! I cannot wait for y'all to see it! One edit: while they were during their bath, I watched, and it made me a tad bit emotional! So I don't know how that will affect me! On my wedding day, I will know that those tears will be happy tears 🥹! Love you Emmie ❤️! But I chilled most of that night and showed my friend Emmie some funny reels that made me die of laughter! Today was hectic but it made me smile!

Thursday, 9/19/24 - today is a normal day, sadly, but that's ok! Today during the first period, we did a Kahoot, and I got first place! I got some of them wrong but that's ok! Then we worked on any missing or uncompleted assignments! Then, in the second period, I got a second chance at breakfast and got a blueberry muffin and some honey gram crackers! Which we're actually very good! Then we worked on a Bohrn structure sheet for the different types of elements on the periodic table! I got the models done and got most of the notes done. I just need to cut them out and finish the sheet! Which I'm really close to doing! So I got a lot of work done! Then, at lunch, my awesome friend Nichole bought me a bag of sweet, spicy chili Doritos from the vending machine! I thank her for that! Plus, there are my favorite chips! Then in the third period, we did a website/ review sheet and folded another bindle paper used for small evidence. As I was laughing at how I couldn't fold it, another girl smiled at me, and it made me smile! Then, in fourth, we worked on the rest of the web quest, did some notes, and worked on brain games! Then on the bus, my friends told me how good the day was! And then, on the way home, we saw a floating leaf that kept spinning. It was enjoyable to watch, and it made me smile. Now we're currently chilling! Then we got a yummy salad from Mom, but for me, it had too much pepper, so I put it up for grabs! Don't wanna waste food! Then we chilled, did a workout, and I overheated, which sucks. I should've used the spray bottle or my fan, but it was my fault, lol! Then we went to bed! Today made me smile!

Friday, 9/20/24 - this morning, I was so tired and could barely keep my eyes open, so as they were getting dressed, I slept a little while longer! Then I got dressed, and we just did a workout, which woke me up pretty well. Then, on the way to our bus, we saw our cat Charlie being a big ol loaf. It was way too cute! We just had to take a picture! But at the bus stop, we saw the moon, which is something we saw over 9 months ago, which is weird/cool! I took several pictures at the bus stop and the bus! I had a thrill looking at all the pretty sights! In the first period, we have a test! Hopefully, I do well! Sadly, I did not do well and got a 53 on the test! But for right now, I just got to chill for the rest of the first period! Then in second period we worked on another worksheet! And thankfully I got it done! Just in time and then I worked on cutting out Bohr models! I got that completely finished! And then our friend Nichole gave us the news that she got her Job!! I am super proud of her! Then in third period we watched a YouTube documentary on Jon Benet Ramsey! A six-year-old tragically Murdered, and the case has never been solved for 2+ decades. It was bone-chilling to hear everything that had happened! Then, in the fourth period, we worked on some notes and kept laughing that day! Then we went home and enjoyed the rest of our day knowing it was the weekends!

Saturday, 9/21/24 - today, I woke up around six AM, and then we chilled most of the morning until our mom called us, and we had to work for an hour! But we soon got it all done! And her area looks a lot better! Then we chilled and hung out until 5 pm, that's when our friend called us and said that she was coming over! It was unexpected, but it was fine with our parents! So we hung out until 8:00 Pm! Maybe even 9! It was a fun crazy hangout! But it also resulted in injury! Our Nichole did a trust fall, not knowing he was not behind her. She fell and hit her hand! Causing her to need a bandaid! And she almost cried! Obviously, I did not film it, but I did comfort her, and my wife made her laugh! Then we listened to booming music at 42 volume!! It was crazy loud! We have that in our vlog! And Emmie's Quadriplegic celebration video reminds me it's my wife's 7-month celebration 🎊 🎉!! I am super proud of you baba ❤️! After that, we chill for a while! And I needed to use my spray bottle since I overheated that night but thankfully wasn't doing as bad as Luz and Donny! They felt nauseous and almost fainted! God forbid we go into a truck without having a rough night 😂! But thankfully, everyone is doing ok, and today made me smile!

Sunday, 9/22/24 - today I woke up pretty late from the long time we stayed up! Last night lol but I started my 46th round of chemotherapy at 10 am and should end my chemo session around 7 pm! To get to the main point of today we're going to our grandma's house! For a fun Sunday family dinner 🍽️! Before Grandma's, we watched videos, and I typed Saturday's entry! I ate a bowl of ramen, and that was it so far. Lol before I got to Grandma, we filmed some content and then headed out the door. Currently, we're driving and enjoying the beautiful sky! But sadly I overheated as my nose was running and I felt so hot! But don't worry I'm ok! I keep feeling waves of heat help. But I thankfully got over it! Then we listened to Grandfather talk about football 🏈 lol! Then we had a delicious dinner of chili and yummy salad 🥗! It was very good and I enjoyed it very much! Then me and Nancy talked for a while until we had yummy brownies with nuts and vanilla ice cream! It was very good, and we had a fun time currently. I've been done with chemotherapy for 14 minutes (it's 7:14 Pm). We eventually said goodbye after a wonderful stay, and then we drove home. On the drive home, I saw some more beautiful sunsets! I enjoy that so that certainly made me smile! Today was but a blur and fun! Sadly, we have to go back to school tomorrow, but we'll get through it! But today was great and it made me smile! Now for the most important question ⁉️

What made you smile this week?

Img desc #1: the beautiful sky is shown as the sun is setting. There are trees and houses very darkened mainly focusing on the pretty sky! The photo is not edited.

Img desc #2: doc is seen on a Cruise. She is seen smiling in her electric wheelchair as she has a red strap on her forehead. Doc is seen wearing a pink short-sleeved shirt and beige-colored sweatpants.

Img desc #3: Emmie is seen smiling in a dark room while wearing a white long-sleeved shirt and a black blazer she is seen with her hair combed.

Img desc #4: Emmie is seen in a bathroom mirror she is near a white sink wearing a white long sleeved buttoned up shirt and a black blazer over her white shirt she is wearing grey colored jeans paired with a black belt. Or the buckle of her electric wheelchair her wrist are resting on the arm rest of her electric wheelchair.

Img desc #5: doc is seen up very high! She is seen smiling while wearing a hat and a green short sleeved shirt and beige colored shorts her Atrophied hands are resting on her lap she is giving a wide smile to the camera.

Img desc #6: doc and Emmie are seen in a group photo doc seen on the left is seen smiling while wearing a hat and a green short sleeved shirt and beige colored shorts and white shoes she is seen in her electric wheelchair. Emmie seen right of the image is seen smiling while in her electric wheelchair while wearing a white short sleeved shirt and light colored shirt and white shoes Emmies arms are seen resting on a service dog and her arm rest. They are having a fun time!

Img desc #7: doc's and Emmie's grandma and grandfather are seen in a photo when they were younger. Grandma is seen resting on the chest of Grandfather. She is seen smiling while her hair is neatly combed and fixed. She is wearing a red shirt and a Dr coat as she was a nurse back then. They are near a bookshelf. Grandfather is seen with Grandma on his chest. He is seen smiling while wearing brown squared glasses. His hair is combed neatly, and he is wearing a white shirt. The picture is framed and put up on the wall.

Img desc #8: shows Doc's chili they had at grandma's house! With a salad nearby the chili is in a white bowl and on a table. The food was delicious!

Img desc #9: shows the moon in the sky that very morning at the bus stop! The moon is seen Looking very pretty!

Img desc #10: shows docs breakfast that morning with honey grams and blueberry muffin with milk on a grey table. The blueberry muffin was delicious!

[28in2024]

I know I have a lot to catch myself up on: the breakup, buying a house, getting my GS-14 promotion, and adjusting to this new normal of being on my own. But that’s a later post because there is SO MUCH HAPPENING ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Need to brain dump this!

Monday, July 22nd - [WORK] Farewell with the team, PMA-209.

Wednesday, July 24th - [VOLLEYBALL] Played first Volo beach volleyball game at National Mall as captain. Carpooled with Charlie, first time talking talking to him and clicking fast.

Friday, July 26th - [BOYS]

1. Zach Fowler (Ohio) texted me at 4am seeing if I was down to come to Cincinnati after not talking to me for 1+ months

2. Charlie from volleyball asked me on a date via IG DM after literally 1 time hanging out. Turned him down and explained that I just got out of a long relationship and also we just met. Down to get to know each other more.

3. Had a “hangout” but pretty much a date with Cam that very expectedly lasted overnight and into the morning. Haven’t seen Cam in 3 months but had a very successful and intimate yet very wholesome date. Had KBBQ, walked around a very romantic old town at night, then I invited him over (stated not to be sus upfront) while he waits for his friend to pick him up. Watched cowboy bebop and samurai champloo then played some board games. Ended up laying next to each other on the couch at 2am and cuddled then kissed. Around 4am we both moved upstairs to my bed bc I had to get some rest before auditions!! He asked to be shirtless bc it’s hot and I told him I was too excited to sleep. He gave me a massage and we kissed some more before eventually drifting off to sleep. Made him filipino breakfast the next day and left him at the spot to Uber while I head to auditions.

Saturday, July 27th - [DANCE] Had Comeback Crew Auditions

Felt confident I did well in this 5 hour long process. Made friends along the way. Definitely got Korean fried chicken then showered and knocked out early after.

Sunday, July 28th - [FRIEND]

Went to church in the morning, ran errands, and finally visited nearby Ed’s plant world. Sean came over for the first time for homemade pasta dinner, Olympics, and good conversation.

Monday, July 29th - [VACCINE]

Got the COVID vaccine booster because I wanted to completely screw myself over for my first week at PMA-290. So sick and on Motrin around the clock the whole next day.

Wednesday, July 31st pt. 1- [WORK]

Laid out management style and team expectations to entire PMA-290 ROK P-8 team as new NH-4 case manager.

Wednesday, July 31st pt. 2- [BOYS/VOLLEYBALL/DANCE]

Carpooled with Charlie again and played second volo game. Had Zoom interview for Comeback Crew in the car on the way home.

Got McDonald’s and had good deep conversations with Charlie at my house until 11:30. I never imagined hearing “but they’re not my person” so sweet as his words. He seems like a very genuine, good guy that’s ready for something serious and aspires for marriage. Definitely interested in me and mentioned asking to hang out after volleyball season. He found out my ex boyfriend is khrystian, and I stated having khrystian and my friends on the same team is too messy to start anything with Charlie. He has a nice smile but he’s too short IM SORRY my tastes changed

Thursday, August 1st - [BOYS]

Celebrated Cam’s birthday showing him birria tacos at Mexican. Had ice cream at old town. Did advanced day one class. He texted me at the end of the night that he likes me a lot. I personally don’t feel the same. Not sure if it’s bc my social battery is crapped out or I am attracted to his appearance and not so much his personality. I need to sleep on it.

Angela also got engaged! She FaceTimed me during dinner!

Friday, August 2nd - [WORK]

Interview for FMS job at US Embassy in Rome

- we’ll see how this interview goes. I can’t help but think that if I get it, I really have a huge decision to make.

Friday-Sunday, Aug 2-4 - [FRIENDS]

Kyra and mharc coming over!

[honestlyjollypanda]

COCONUT LOVERS (series)

🤎: Mariah

🤍: Fetia

🖤: Tamaki

🩶: Josiah

🩵: Anerita 

💙: Milako 

♥️: Gloria (comes later on in the story)

❤️: Lebron(comes later on in the story)

little backstory:

[Tamaki and Milako go to an all boys school called “ST JOHNS”. Fetia, Anerita and Mariah goes to an all girls school called “Chifley girls” which is right next to ST JOHNS. Every term the schools would combine for 5 weeks for educational purposes]

CHAPPISODE 1:

It is a Monday morning and Fetia is currently waiting for her friend Mariah at the bus station so they can go school together.  While she was waiting, Tamaki came and sat next to her.

🖤: what are you doing?

🤍: waiting for Mariah, what about you?

🖤: I’m waiting for Milako 

As they were sitting, waiting for their friends, Tamaki then asks:

🖤: who’s Mariah?

🤍: bruh, my friend, the new one, the one who came a few weeks ago

🖤: who!?

🤍: you’re so dumb

*Fetia shows a photo of Mariah*

🖤: oh her!

🤍: yes you idiot

🖤: well you should’ve said the hottest one in your friend group

🤍: oh shut the fuck up

While they were talking, the ‘747’ bus came, which is Mariah’s bus, she was walking towards them but was fa’amagaia to go to her friend because of Tamaki

🤍: oi fuck off now

🖤: WOW

Fetia yells out to Mariah

🤍: Mariah come!

Fetia pushes Tamaki off the seat.

It was good timing because Milako’s bus had finally arrived. He then got up and went over to Milako’s bus stop and talked to Milako, as for Fetia and Mariah…

🤍: sole why didn’t you come over when Tamaki was here?

🤎: *silent*

🤍: ew don’t tell me you like him

🤎: uh, erm…

Fetia then slaps Mariah

🤍: Mariah ew, why him! 

🤎: ouch, idk

🤍: you idiot

🤎: what’s wrong with him

🤍: he’s a bitch, and a hoe, what do you mean what’s wrong with him?

Another slap from Fetia

🤍: you idiot

They both start laughing because of how disgusted their facials were. They are now waiting for the ‘723’ bus which goes past Tamaki’s school. On their way to school Anerita, who is Fetia’s cousin, was waiting for Mariah and Fetia with a new volleyball she brought the other day.

🩵: sole, what took you two so long

🤎: blame the bus not us dumbass, nah oi, this one likes Tamaki!!!

🩵: ewww Mariah

*slaps Mariah*

🤎: a’e whats with yous and slapping people

🤍: you can’t fken talk, you slap us when you laugh

🩵: true so shush

🤎: oh shut up, lets go to class now 

Class starts at 8:40am and it is currently 8:37 am so they decided to go to their classes early

During 1st period:

ANNOUNCEMENT 🔊‼️ 

📢: Attention all students, volleyball tryouts will be held in the hall during the 30 minute break for those who are interested! 

Fetia, Anerita and Mariah looking at each other with excitement as they are in the same class.

🤍: YOU HAVE TO TRY OUT!! 

🤎: idk the other girls are pretty good

🩵: then just come for the fun of it! 

🤍: yeah just come 

🤎: alright, i doubt I’ll get in

🤍🩵: AINNGGG!!! 

It is break time and all the girls who are trying out are waiting outside the hall waiting to go in. The door opens and everything is set up.

🤎: idk about this. I might just watch from the sidelines.

🤍: no! just stay by my side, you’ll be fine

Mariah sticks by Fetia’s side as she feels intimidated by the other girls.

[Everyone is split up, Fetia, Anerita and Mariah are on the same team and it puts Mariah at ease] Tryouts have officially started.

[cyclicallife]

My sister purchased sweatpants and a cozy sweatshirt for me during the first few weeks of my initial treatment in mid-April 2016. Initially, I didn't want to wear them to treatment; I wanted to attend each grueling session dressed in a button-down collared shirt and trousers that blurred the line between dress and casual. I liked to look presentable—I needed to. 

I arrived at the treatment clinic directly from Chicago, where I worked on completing an MFA, actively attended daily classes, wrote my thesis and art history paper, and generated visual work in general. As such, I consciously dressed in a way that, I hoped, exuded professionalism and spoke to my qualities. There was, however, another very conscious act; I wanted to maintain this daily dress code as a 'fuck you!' to cancer. 

My work week was, in fact, a full-time job; I was in the treatment center Monday through Friday from 8 am to 4:30 pm. I often arrived before my oncologist and was in my chair, books, and laptop set up and ready to power ahead and finish an art history paper while they were still mixing up my toxic chemo cocktail. On one occasion, I heard my oncologist ask my nurse, "What is he doing over there?" she replied, "he's working." As I said, it was my full-time job; I was going to dress the part, grind away, and flip the bird to cancer.

But treatment took its toll. 

The nurse who at one time informed my oncologist I was working was now mainlining me with Ativan because the 40-hour week was causing such severe panic attacks. 

"It's Friday; we expect you to be like this," she said.

Was that a carte blanche to unhook my IVs and run screaming from the clinic? Perhaps, but I didn't have the energy to do so. Instead, I requested a blanket from the warmer, curled up, and cried.

The following week, I began wearing my new sweatpants and sweatshirt. 

No one took a second look at my attire. In fact, I received more attention when I showed up for treatment dressed like I was going in for a day as a data analyst than when I appeared in sweatpants, prepped for an 8-hour treatment cycle. The clothing I usually would only sleep in became my new go-to look on most days.

But it was more than a look, obviously, and more than physical comfort, which became increasingly important as the weeks dragged on. The ease of shedding one pair of sweatpants for another can't be overstated when depleted of all energy sources.

Since 2016, I have worn the same few pairs of sweatpants to bed when lounging around the house, and even while walking on the treadmill. After each washing, I am surprised that they remain intact. 

Recently, when I visited my sister, she saw the state of my sweatpants and immediately ordered new ones. She's like that; without hesitation, she will act in a way that might be simple but can change a person's entire day - usually for a lot longer. 

When I returned home from my visit, the package arrived within a day with various items, and yes, including sweatpants. 

With their arrival, I knew it was also time to part with the old pairs. I folded them neatly, ceremoniously, as if I were going to lay them to rest somewhere sacred and not put them in the trash as I did. When I returned to my room, I saw the new sweatpants and, though I partly expected this, became incredibly emotional. For undeniable reasons, there is an aspect of sentimentality brought about by years of owning something. However, when a particular thing has wrapped you up, encased you, and held you literally in its fibers during your most vulnerable times, its presence surpasses sentimentality. That, paired with the endless generosity of my sister, made giving up the old apparel and welcoming the new bittersweet. 

It is human nature to want the reassurance that something or someone will catch us if we fall; if we stumble, somebody will help us. The unconscious knowledge comforts us on some primordial level, that a hand will reach out and grasp us and that we can let go. 

After trying on my new sweatpants, feeling that strange pleasure of fabric that is both too crisp and refreshingly new, I understood that the garments my sister initially gave in 2016 were indeed that hand reaching out. Somewhere between ceremoniously discarding the well-worn apparel and snipping the tags off the new threads, I understood that the tiniest gesture holds the most significant importance. 

I had to remain in the car when my sister purchased the first set of various items for me. I was too ill to go into Old Navy. I sat curled up on her car's front seat, craving the comfort of my bed, the relief an anti-nausea medication would bring. Her return with multiple bags containing an assortment of clothing was her way of offering me comfort; it was one of many, but this particular gift came during the first stages of my treatment when I felt particularly rough. 

We arrived home, and though it was several years (and another lifetime) ago, I can remember the comfort of my new sweatshirt. Though I have since parted with the pants, I refuse to leave behind the sweatshirt and all the memories, good and bad, that it conjures up. 

[squirrelpudding]

February 2nd, 2024

I will talk about today and the dance, BUT FIRST: A CROOMF UPDATE! I was slightly hesitant about putting this in here because oomf from school might see this and make the connection between stuff that happened at school and who my croomf is, but I don't think she reads these, so I will be okay. Also, it should be an ick that I am embarrassed that I like him and I would never tell anyone I like him or show a picture to anyone, but that has not stopped me. Anyway, he is in the class at school that does the morning announcements and other fun little videos and news and such, and he and a guy who is in a club I am in were walking around at lunch yesterday interviewing people, and I volunteered to be interviewed! I answered like two questions about some changes that are happening to the school, but more importantly, croomf took the video on his phone, meaning he has a video of me on his phone! Actually, now that I think about it I don't think it was his phone because I believe he is an android user, and I think the phone they were using to record was an iPhone. But still, for once in my life I interacted with him outside of class! Also, later that day during history (Croomf is in both my history and yoga classes), we were doing a dumb little scavenger hunt to review for our test on WWII, and I talked to him several times. I know I always write about small interactions, but in my defense I just like having something to talk about and to like. I like liking people. Also the small moments are all that happens with us so like, what else would I write about? Anyway, I stole answers from him several times (in a friendly, silly-goofy way), and we talked multiple times about the questions from the scavenger hunt, so I feel like we have potential to become friends. My partner and I won the scavenger hunt, and we will get prizes on Monday (it will probably be like a piece of candy or something), but perhaps if I get the chance that could be a subject of conversation with us. I am grasping at straws here, I desperately want to be friends with him but I am too socially awkward. Anyway, today we were partners for a activity in yoga. A few times we have done headstands (see other post(s) for more stuff about that (I don't actually remember if I wrote about it in other posts, but I think I did)), and I have refused to do it every time because I get very anxious thinking about it. But today croomf tried to convince me to at least try to do it, and was very encouraging. I did not end up attempting to do it, but I appreciate him trying to talk me into it because (1) I like talking to me and (2) it kind of shows he cares on a certain level, like he wants me to participate and succeed. I know I'm delusional.

Anyway, today was very fun! I love my friends! We went to oomf's house to get ready, which I love getting ready with other people because it makes me feel like a teenager/teenage girl. I like feeling like a teenage girl. The dress I wore I got from goodwill, and had to sew new straps to it because they were very very short, but I am happy with it! This is the only dress I currently own, and the only dress I have owned in quite a while (like since early elementary school). The dance was lame because it was very empty and mostly underclassmen, but we still had fun! I love dancing and loud music and having a place to see people/socialize outside of school, so I love dances. And they always play Pitbull and Bruno Mars, which I love. We left the dance at ~8:45 (we got there like 7:30, it went from 7-10), and we went back to oomf's house and watched "The Parent Trap". Also, while we were in the parking lot waiting for oomf's mom to pick us up, we watched 9 people get into a 5 seater car, and it was quite funny. I had a very very good time! I love my friends!

[umichenginabroad]

Week 9: German Final, Final Trips, and Finally Free from my Research Paper

Willkommen zurück to week 9 out of 10 of my UROP experience in Aachen! With us being in the final weeks of the program, things have been wrapping up in all the bittersweet, nostalgia-filled, and occasionally stress-inducing ways. The research symposium is just around the corner now, and our papers/posters are due Monday (aka 3 days from now… aka AAAAH). Thanks to the Berlin trip I have planned for this weekend, I had extra motivation to put my head down and actually get all my work in order by the end of the week. Such a feat was looking highly unlikely a few days ago, but I am happy to say I will not have to write about Intrusion Detection Systems and dataset generation to the background noises of my Berlin walking tour or Techno music in the club Saturday night. This is a win. 

On Thursday, I had my German final which ended up being one of those exams that inspires you to tap into your philosophical side and begin wise internal dialogues about the benefits and unavoidable nature of failure (yes, this is just me coping). The five T/F questions in our Reading section worth 30/90 points left something to be desired and the Listening section somehow found a way to connect ice cream (in Cyber Space?) to the Industrial Revolution in one confusing speech. (It may be wise to note on that last point that I still have no idea what this man was talking about.)

All that random Cyber Space ice cream talk inspired our German class to get some of our own (normal) ice cream to recover from being collectively humbled by the exam, and it was indeed the perfect cure. I’m going to miss my German classmates and our unifying dread of getting picked for Taboo (a game we played at the start of every class where one person had the unfortunate, isolating task of explaining new German vocab auf Deutsch and the others simply guessed). Though I sometimes wished my German classes were with all the other UROP students, I ended up really enjoying the unique opportunity my course provided to meet people from all different parts of the world studying here and learning German like I am.

Dunkel Schokolade und Menz Eis aka Emergency Post-Exam Mood-Recovery Ice Cream

Even in spite of my looming deadlines and questionable German Final, I still managed to fill the past week with travel and making the most of the finally summery weather (*knock on wood*). Last Saturday, I went to an impressively large fun fair in Duesseldorf that put my sad county fair with its three rickety, life-endangering rides and show-stopping prize chickens to shame. The delicious fair food, loud music, and bright energy felt like a taste of home on the Jersey Shore Boardwalk (without the weird teenagers and suspicious piercing shops) and it was exactly what I needed.

Scenes from Duesseldorf's Fun Fair

We also had Ramen for lunch to make up for not getting it here when the lines were ridiculously long on Japan Tag, and it fully lived up to the hype.

Ramen from Duesseldorf’s Little Tokyo

On Sunday, I traveled with one of my friends to Liège where we made sure to accomplish all the Liège Musts: 

✅ Eating a LiègeWaffle 

Incredibly yum waffle. 8/10. For two point deduction reasoning: see part 3

✅ Climbing the Montagne de Bueren, a 374-step staircase 

Beautiful views from the top of the staircase. I promise I was also enjoying them and not only suffering from getting to the top.

✅ Having a disastrous, embarrassing, all around self-esteem-destroying attempted conversation with a French-speaking person 

✅Finding somewhere (with weird black burger buns?) to eat lunch where we could order online to avoid more of said conversations

The strange burgers in question. Not sure where they were going with the whole “accidentally forgot how to use an oven while cooking your meal and it burned” aesthetic, but it did taste quite good.

✅Exploring lots of beautiful architecture

Some of the gorgeous sites found while roaming Liège

After completing our official Tourists Guide to Liège, we ended the day by visiting a small aquarium/science museum where we proceeded to get distracted by pretty fish, fun interactive exhibits, and these jump-scare-inducing holographic portraits until their closing time. Unfortunately, their closing time also happened to be a few minutes after we would've needed to leave to catch the next train back to Aachen. What followed was a semi-panicked, 2,5 km run with my unathletic jeans, unathletic tank top, unathletic hoodie, and unathletic self. Was it worth it for the single hour we saved by not waiting for the next train? Probably not. Will I be adding this to the official Tourists Guide to Liège anytime soon? 100% no. But I did leave feeling at least 15% as much accomplished as I was tired and sweaty, so that’s something… 

Emo Nemo, Hologram Dog, and distractions from the aquarium that had the audacity to almost make us miss our train

I promise I did do actual work at some point this week, but on Wednesday we had a nice, relaxing UROP picnic that served as the perfect break from it. There were delicious baked goods, volleyball/frisbee games, lots of reminiscing, and enough sun to make up for at least three days of Aachen rainstorms. 

We’re at the point of the program where everything is starting to be labeled some kind of last: Last German Class. Last UROP Weekend Travels. Last Wednesday UROP Activity. Last Motor Bar Night. And it’s all starting to feel extremely bittersweet. I’ll save all my sentimentality for my final blog (consider yourself warned), but I am really looking forward to making this official Last Weekend in Berlin one to remember. Until next time!

Sarah Bargfrede

Computer Science

UROP Program in Aachen

[lilliesforya]

It’s very cold, I’ve had too much caffeine, and I miss my dogs

On Tuesday afternoons and Thursday’s I go to my small elementary school that’s a bit farther from the other two schools. I always drink way too much coffee when I’m there. I have my own mug and the coffee always smells so good in the teachers room. Coffee on the pot smells like my kitchen at home. It smells like my sister waiting around for me to wake up to make coffee because I “do it better”. It smells like my brother microwaving a cup of black coffee after school just to drink barely half and then go to sleep immediately. 

Drinking too much gives me a god awful headache but this taste of comfort is not one I am willing to give up. I just will have a headache. The sky is really gray today despite having rained most of the morning. I know when I go home there will be only 30/45 minutes of daylight left. I keep my speaker on from my car to my house so that the silence can’t get me. I keep it on while I do dishes and talk to myself as if there are other people in my house who can hear me. It’s the same way I talk to my dogs (who I wish I could see very much). 

“Guys, I don’t want to do the dishes” 

“Guys, I think if it gets any colder I’m going to freeze to death” 

“There’s no chocolate in the house :(”

Winter is not my favorite season. Thankfully, it's not too cold though. I went to college in Pittsburgh, where every walk home from the library from November- February was in polar night essentially. Even New Jersey is colder than where I am on the regular. But I still feel impossibly cold most days. 

Now, it's Monday morning at my middle school and it is most definitely cold. It's about 40 degrees with a high of 50 today. This is the first week of Winter yet where it's going to be in the 40s for most of the day. I’ve learned to layer my clothes accordingly at work so I don't freeze (for the most part) but my inside shoes are sneakers so my feet are always cold no matter what. I have to be at school from 8-4:15 every day even if I don’t have class every period. This drives me insane mostly but it's nice having a routine I guess. Today, I don’t have every class scheduled so I can spend some time planning activities for my trip to Kobe for Christmas or Annie’s trip to Japan (International Annie Week). Even though I'm sure I'll just end up reading my book after a bit. Last week, I read the entirety of The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. I highly recommend it for all hunger games fans and for people who haven't read them. The movie comes out very soon in Japan and I’m so excited to see it !