#or that mom had a coupon for

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

i think that in small tightknit communities, all residents should receive a coupon book on their bday that allows them to commit [x] number of nonviolent crimes per year

[blinkpen]

twitter broke basically right after i started cooking and was working again only minutes before i finished so when i checked i just saw screaming and then silence, which was pretty funny

i was then told the twitter downtime coincided with the entire runtime of the year's first nintendo direct which, also pretty funny

[wheresernie]

Me: goes to Michaels to get coffee smell flavor for my candles and a candle wick centering kit

My mom: oh you'll need this too and this too and this too *makes my 10$ purchase $50*

[sorrellegiance]

THE TECH INTERACTIVE

[filmcel]

btw guys today i got the prismacolors i wanted 24 pack for 20 bucks bc i had a 50% off coupon.

[cowboystatic]

it’s so funny what children conceptualize as rich. when i was a kid, rich people could afford go-gurts and name brand cereal and also mansions

[clarinettispaghetti]

Macys employees deplete your mana and bath and bodywork’s employees restore it. This all can be avoided if you never step foot into a mall

[madeofbees]

i’m not even a person, i’m just a bunch of traumas stacked on top of each other in a trench coat made of fandoms.

personality ? me ? no no, that’s just season 4 of community. common mistake though !

[meticulousfragments]

So do I think that starting this blanket five months before christmas will mean I for once finish a blanket when I actually plan to gift it, or will starting this early give me a false sense of security and mean I work too slow

[bearchived]

thinking abt how beard’s parents probably only let him compete in those chess tournaments and other things (like science fairs) for prize money. lol.

[bunnyb34r]

Weird how I get a job and suddenly I get a lot of junk mail in my name 🤔

[nekomimineurosurgery]

today's sign that the universe is working for n around me : a really cool remix of be my lover started playing as soon as i walked into the dispensary

[lesbiten]

i am someone who doesnt wear makeup or really do anything in that category (expensive and annoying) and going on tiktok and seeing discourse about people having too thick or too thin eyebrows and people commenting like "as long as you just get the occasional wax or pluck to shape your natural brows theyre fine!" am i going insane

[cursedauxiliary]

Quelling ones rage after a paper cut is one of the hardest things

[woodelf68]

Anyone else remember when orange juice cartons used to be 64 oz. instead of only 52? :(

[augustinewrites]

satoru bday fic! cw: suggestive

gojo thinks he should be nominated for boyfriend of the year.

not only had he managed to get the kids to school on time, pick up the groceries, get all his reports in to principal yaga, and clean the kitchen, but he’d managed to do it all while extremely hungover on his birthday. 

he’d even managed to do it all before you’d even gotten out of bed.

he doesn’t blame you for sleeping in. the impromptu birthday party he’d thrown had left you all in quite the state by the early hours of morning. you need the re—

“satoru! could you come in here for a second?”

“coming!” he calls back, shoving the coupon that’d fallen from shoko’s birthday card into his wallet before making his way to the bedroom. “hey, let’s get some frozen yogurt when the kids get ho— holy shit.”

your face breaks out into a grin of triumph at his sudden silence. gojo’s rightfully stunned, carefully studying each bit of revealing lace and the way it sits against your body before committing it to memory. 

“is that…”

“the set you had commissioned in paris,” you hum, nonchalant as you drag your fingertips up your hip. “that’s the one.”

he takes a few slow steps toward where you are and takes a seat at the edge of the bed, arousal warming his whole body. “but you said you’d never wear it because—”

“because i was saving it for something special,” you finish, leaning up and shifting towards him. “like your birthday.” 

“well,” he sighs as you close the distance between you. “i should unwrap my gift then.”

“please try not to tear it,” you murmur as his lips brush over your pulse. “i’d very much like to wear it again, and i, oh, i saw the charge on the credit card…”

his reply is no more than a distracted hum as you shift onto his lap, allowing curious hands to explore your body and hungry lips to move against yours. 

the lace is soft on your skin, his hands eagerly working to undo the ties holding up delicate florals and sheer material. 

“satoru, i need you.” your breath is warm against his skin, exciting him more as he goes to pull off garter belt.

“uh, babe?”

“hm?”

“how do you take this off?”

_____

“well, i connected it to this piece—”

“but we can’t take this piece off unless we take this one off too. that doesn’t make any sense.” 

“i’m telling you, that’s how i put it on.”

“then why won’t it come off?”

it’s then that gojo decides custom lingerie should come with instructions. when he’d designed it, he hadn’t actually considered the logistics of this operation.

“okay,” you huff, turning around and placing your hands on his shoulders. “you’re just going to have to tear it.”

“fine by me,” he grins, slightly smug as he curls his fingers around the expensive material and tears—

the two of you scramble up when the front door slams open. it’s in that moment you realize that satoru hadn’t closed the bedroom door. 

“mom!” you hear megumi shout, his stomps echoing through the apartment. “tsumiki ate one of my snacks!”

“shit, fuck.” cursing, you grab his discarded t-shirt and slip it on before jumping into bed. satoru slips in next to you, pulling the duvet up to your chins and pressing against you from behind.

“satoru!” you hiss when you feel something poke the back of your thigh. 

“we just made out for like ten minutes,” he whispers back, only pulling you closer. “you didn’t think i’d get one?”

“put it away!”

“i could, but—”

you manage to summon one of your divine dogs in time for it push the bedroom door closed, breathing a sigh of relief when the kid’s footsteps come to a halt. 

“we’ll be out in a second!” you call, hearing their hushed argument as they trudge back to the kitchen.

“i might need more than a second…”

you hit satoru in the face with a pillow. “you’ll get the rest of your birthday gift tonight, after you drop the kids off at nanami’s.