#ots me or the man child big decision time

[infinityonimmortals]

major epiphany today, ive been emotionally/psychologically abused for the last 10yrs apparently

[bbreactions]

GUESS WHO’S BACK? BACK AGAIN?

Life is unpredictable. How do you know you’ve made the right decision? Through time you judge and comment others’ life. Is that right? Obv not. But we all still do it. Even with the sign angel over your heady there is no way I am gonna believe you that you never judged or commented on someones life or action.

I am typing that feeling like an old af lady. It’s just that some variable impact on your life and I know that changes you. But would you as a friend stand by someone even if they changed and that change simply wouldn’t click in with you?

That one change? 

Would it be worth it?

Now I saw the gif and I remembered the song loser. Ever feel like a loser?

Huh, who doesn’t?

I wonder what would happen if Seungri hadn’t done the bullshit he allegedly did. He has to accept bigger conequences because “he was someone”.

Would you say you are nothing?

No.

Big bang always cheered me up. So here we go. They cheering me up bc I need them to.

________________________________________________________________

I came in walking on Daesung and T.O.P arguing about whose hair looks better. You couldn’t stand an watch/hear them argue over something that obv GD is the winner.

They both looked at you.

“Don’t. You. Dare.” they said both at a time.

“Jiyong wins my little boys.”

They knew that you would say that. Of course, since you were no. 1 fangirl and their make up artist. But mostly thruogh the work you developed a bond- making you care very much about them. Them all. Even about Seungri-with whom you were particurally close, since the recent events.

“Did those rashes fade away, Dae” you said knowing ofc you gave hime the best advice.

“NO. THEY ARE STILL HERE.” he said sttubornly, crossing his hands.

He couldn’t just admit the fact that those 3 years of cosmetics school gave you the basic knowledge to help with simple skin problems.

“Tabbi~ You ready for our daily face care? You know those fangirls are waiting for your update. I heard that they want the pink hair back.”

He looked scared at you.

“No. I agreed to do that for th album before the military. I am not doing it again”

You heard he must be in a bad mood, because let’s be honest the crazier the idea the more he liked it ofc. 

Jiyong stepped in with the fancy af look of his.

“OHHHH OUR SENPAIII IS HEREE~~”  T. O.P  had to start.

Jiyong went along with it. 

“ My students bow abowe me, your senpai has comen.” he said bowing back, while T.O.P and Dae started bowing on their knees

Sometimes you wondered how old they really are. Even tho, it was time for make up and you were ordered to make them look young ang hit for the time. They’ve been out of the kpop scene for a long time and it’s gonna be a big bang when they appear on the screens once again. New song is up on the rising and today is the first they are doing after all the years. 

Taeyang was gonna be late because of his family situation at home. Wife was busy and he had to step in and take the time to look afer his child for some time. 

You did your best ot get al those old babies on the chairs to do some magic and put some glitter on them to make them shine

They were out of shape, a little rusty let’s say for the talking shows, but since you heard all of the jokes they were particing and you laughed to all of them, they all thought they were next generation comedians. 

Sadly that was not the case.

You tried hard to catch them up with current popular shit, but sadly you were a little bit behind too. 

So they were very surprised when a cameraman with a very young man holding a microphone came up to them while in changin room/ make up room.  

T.O.P jumped from the chair and hugged Dae who started high pitched screaming. And GD  who just looked at the boy confused af.

Little did they know that that “boy” as they imagined was one of the biggest and the most famous idols at the moment. Actually for a couple of years to be honest.

That was a surprise and a half?

Who is that?

You dare to guess?

[ma-lark-ey]

~ Glenn dissection ~

this is genuinely not a post to start some kind of discourse, I just wanted to dissect gGenn close a little bit because i think the choices in today’s episodes are very interesting and i wanna dissect how I think they were the right ones. 

in summary; Lark is having a little special interest moment and wants to info dump sorry not sorry. 

My opinion on Glenn is fairly neutral, much like Henry. I don’t think he’s a terrible parent, but he’s also by no means a good parent. I do see some child neglect in his narrative, but he’s by no means ‘abusing’ Nicolas. 

So, I’ve been thinking about these two a lot over the past few days. Like, a lot a lot. They.... They’re a complex pair to digest

As Freddie and Anthony said in the latest episode of Talking Dads, people don’t like accepting characters who are good people and bad parents. Because if someone’s a good person, then they’re a good parent, or bad person equals a bad parent. Vice verse shit. 

Now, Glenn was ruled as a good person. And, I won’t say Glenn is a ‘bad person,’ but I also won’t say he’s a good person. Again, he’s a grey area. he’s a grey character. he’s a mediocre person. 

Glenn, at his core, is an immature person. A broken man who refuses to acknowledge he’s broken, and that gets increasingly clear with each time he talks about Morgan, or is asked about Morgan. There’s an unresolved grief there, and who knows if he’ll ever resolve it. He avoids those kinds of emotions (’harshing his vibe’) 

I think, narratively, the only option that would’ve made sense would have been to give up Nick. 

there are three core things we have to think about here. 

- Player; how would this decision affect Freddie? How do his personal desires for Glenn play into this? 

- Narrative; what decision makes the most compelling narrative? What furthers the story in the most dramatic way? 

- Character; What decision would the character make in this sitation? Why would they choose this? 

These are all things that are constantly needed ot be brought into topic when it comes to these kinds of major plot points. The only other instance I can think of for this in DnDads was the chimera and Grant. 

I’ll start at the top. 

1. PLAYER; The most intense part of a narrative is the player’s decisions in said narrative. As a dungeon master, I’ve watched my players choose some baffling things for their characters (such as, a typically laid back background player taking the lead in a mystery to try and assist our younger player) and these players own wants and desires in the storyline play a major role in these things. In this case; Freddie didn’t want to kill off Glenn. And that is absolutely valid and understandable and by no means wrong of him. He’s played this character for two years (or coming up on it) and that’s huge. That’s a lot of time for him to become attached and fall in love with this character he’s made. It’s completely normal, acceptable, and welcome for players to fall absolutely in love with the character they play. These players, over the course of their campaigns, become a way the players bond with each other. It’s no secret that Freddie feels very attached to Glenn, to the point there’s jokes there’s little to no line between them during episodes. He didn’t want to end a character he held so near and dear, and if anyone faults him for that; a personal fuck you to you, good tiz. 

A content creator is going to love the characters in the content they produce, and shaming them for wanting to hold onto those characters as long as possible is absolutely absurd. If Scott Cawthon can keep making FNaF games six years later, and no one insults him about it, Freddie Wong can choose the timeline where Glenn stays alive. 

2. NARRATIVE; in crafting a narrative, you want to choose the option that will cause the most conflict and interesting plots to follow. While, killing off Glenn would have provided us with a very interesting arc where they go to hell to rescue Glenn and go into this weird Entourage-style campaign; it’d be repetive. We just had an episode or two where the gang had to go save Glenn, and while we currently do have to save Glenn again, it’s very different this time. It’s not ‘Glenn got sent to a hell dimension’ it’s ‘let’s pull a jailbreak’ and yeah, I’m not to excited about another ‘go save glenn’ arc right after Deck Picks, I AM excited for Jimmy Wong and this new character of his, I’m vibrating with excitement. 

Choosing to give Nick up makes narrative sense, whether it was a ‘good dad’ decision or not. It made sense. It provided more conflict for the party, because now there’s a new guy in the party and Nick doesn’t remmebr who Glenn even is, it provides a very interesting new character arc (i.e, Glenn building a cool uncle type relationship with Glenn, and befriending Nick’s new dad.) No, Glenn giving up Nick was not some big heoric deed as some people are portraying it, but it’s more selfless than dying just so your kid can become an orphan and mourn your memory. That would’ve been the shitty option, I’m sorry, but it would’ve been. Especially given Freddie, nor Glenn, thought they owuld be able to bring Glenn back this itme. 

3. CHARACTER; I feel that this is a very telling decision for Glenn and wanting to better himself. I’m gonna focus on the topic of Glenn seeing Nick as his last tie to Morgan. 

We know Glenn is very stuck on Morgan, to the point of being stuck at the same maturity he was when Moran was born. He’s stuck there, trying to keep her memory alive. Because, Morgan was all he had and he lost her. And that sucks. When your partner dies, it feels like everything in the world is absolutely gone and there’s nothing you can do to get them back and that everything you ever were is gone. So, of course he would latch everything he had of Morgan onto Nick. It makes such logical sense. His wife has died, y’all. Unexpectedly. Suddenly. In a horrific way. But, here he has this little kid who is a physical manifestation of their love and commitment to each other. Obviously, he’s gonna latch onto that child and hold them close, see them as their last tie to Morgan. Because Nick is his last tie to Morgan. A child inherits parts of both their parents, and I’m sure there are things Nick does that Glenn sees nothing but Morgan in. 

Glenn wanted to keep Nick. He loves that kid so much. (Freddie’s first reaction upon meeting Nick in episode one is “Guys, I love my kid!” and that transfers into Glenn’s love language, encouraging Nick even if it’s in a very bad way.) But, I feel., and this is strictly me looking into his character, he realizes he needs to let go. He realizes he needs to let himself grow, and that him and Nick aren’t healthy and that he’s becoming Bill. And he let’s go. 

This also plays into how the Close family is known to live hard and long, (YOLO mentality) and so, clearly he won’t take the death option. Not happening. 

TL;DR Glenn choosing to give Nick up shows a major character growth in unhealthy attachment and admitting fault, and Freddie also is totally justified in choosing option to give up an NPC his player character is attached to instead of just killing off the character he’s clearly very attached to. 

[og-danny-dorito]

[ Tanjiro Headcanons To Fuel The Fluff/Angst Tank ]

He Is Baby™ thank you very much and i love him with my whole heart

- hi hello i would like to share my thoughts on this baby cause i love him v much

- he gives me the vibe that he would def love anything strawberry related. like strawberry milk, strawberry shortcake, strawberry yogurt- the list goes ON

- he would eat them more often if they weren't so godamn expensive, and most of the time you can only find those kinds of products when in the city and he mostly travels through the woods rather than through heavily populated areas. he does get them when he can though, and usually has some stocked up when he and nezuko leave rural areas

- thats not the only fruit he likes though! hes also a huge fan of cherries but he gets those even less since they're even MORE expensive. he also very much likes mint chocolate chip icecream! something about the clash of dark chocolate and refreshing mint is just so good to him, and usually he’ll try to look for that specific flavor if theres any icecream places nearby. my basis for that?

- thankfully though he doesnt really buy things from others since he just gets most of his food from the surrounding forest. you see, tanjiro literally lived in the woodlands for most of his early life before the whole 'incident', so hes accustomed to being more of a hunter-gatherer when it comes to those sorts of things

- he knows a whole bunch of stuff about forest plants and topography for that reason specifically, and can make food out of pretty much nothing due to having to go through some rough winter times that required scavenging

- overall though hes a pretty good cook! his father and mother both liked to cook and bake and all that before they died, and, being eager to help and learn, he usually watched them when they did or asked to help with preparing the food

- he actually probably has a lot of domestic skills, now that i think about it. things like sewing up ripped clothing or repairing damaged items are almost muscle memory to him since he was raised to value what he had and not aimlessly spend his money due to his humble beginnings

- he’s actually more comfortable with simple things rather than lavish ones since thats what he grew up with. being a demon slayer means that he does get commissioned to do things sometimes or paid for it, but he usually gives most of his money to poeple who need it after spending some of what he has on more efficient and useful things like better fabric for clothes and repairs for things that he doesn't have the skill set to fix himself

- due to this humble attitude he has for things, he barely ever really treats himself to things he enjoys. he usually puts others before himself and thus forgets about his own needs, leading him to often deny taking care of himself if he deems to 'not have enough time' or 'not being important enough”

- usually forcing him to sit down and eat or at least take a moment to drink some tea can calm his nerves a ton, even if its only just for a second

- i'm pretty sure that his favorite drink is green tea (or strawberry milk), actually. its just so naturally calming and relaxing that he usually uses it as a staple for calming himself down or taking a breather from the stressful life he's lead so far

- for someone that barely takes care of himself hes awfully adamant about others taking acare of themselves. oh, you haven't slept in three days because of work? guess what you're going to sleep right now. no, dont Mention how he keeps moving even though he should be in bed because of a broken rib, your needs come first now go to sleep

- deeefinitely the mom friend type in more ways then one. its p obvious that he already takes care of Nezuko, Zenitsu and Inosuke as good friends of his, but hes kinda adamant on taking care of them almost like they're younger than him or something. this doesnt mean that they can’t take care of themselves of course, he just kinda feels the natural instinct to protect people he values if he can (mainly due to the fear that he’ll suddenly loose them without making it clear he cares about them first but we will unpack that suitcase LATER in the list)

-for that reason i can safely say that he's probably fantastic with kids because of his gentle nature. hes just so soft and pure that children naturally feel calm around him? its weird how like a baby will literally stop crying in a city full of people just because they saw tanjiro wave and smile at them and as SOON as hes out of eyesight they start crying again. also tanjiro holding a baby? you CANNOT tell me this man wouldnt softly sing some lullaby he remembers from his childhood to a child cradled in his arms, fast asleep. and the smile he gives to the person who finds him like that is BLINDING i cannot comprehend the purity-

-the EXACT same thing goes for animals. its straight up canon that he understands (to an extent) what birds are saying when they're chirping to one another, so its probably safe to assume that he might understand a little bit of what other animals may be saying when they communicate

- yet another effect of living in the forest most of his life and being way too observant at his age :p

- when dogs bark he responds to them out of instinct, knowing what they mean. when some pig just randomly snorts at him don't be surprised when he just says "oh, thank you!" in the most earnest tone possible because he probably knows what the animal said and is responding to it honestly. answering like he's pretending to know what it means would be dishonest, and thats too out of character for the sunshine boy

-its also gotta be mentioned that tanjiro physically rejects the concept of being dishonest. i swear to god I'm not making this up- when hes lying its so easy to tell because his face is physically rejecting the concept that hes not being sincere

-this goes for pretty much anything- he cant really blatantly lie without shifting in place or making a weird expression. its no expection that when asked about his feelings that he can barely keep a straight face by saying that he's "okay"

-theres just so much pent up grief and sorrow for so many things that its hard to really say that he's "just fine" or "alright" some days. the accumulation of trauma and guilt has lead up to this constant dread boiling in the pit of his stomach that he'll fail one day, and this would've been all for nothing

-he'll die one day without his goals being met, without Nezuko being healed, without his friends safe, without so many things that he thought he could fix that will eat him up until he fixes them. he doesn't have frequent depressive episodes all that often anymore since Sakonji helped him with that (kind of, it was kind of a group effort by his other superiors, the Pillars, too with some reassurance and advice since a good portion have Been There Done That with the survivor’s guilt and the like) in terms of teaching him how to meditate more frequently and search for positive outlets for his negative feelings. he helped him accept that it was okay to feel bad about it, but he couldn't give up, no matter what. because “What worth was your dream if you just gave up in the end?”

-and so he doesn't. he never gives up, on anything. he refuses to give up when his friends are in danger and the odds are against him, or when hes face to face with an eldritch demon who's been alive longer than the numbers he can count. tanjiro is incredibly persistent in his efforts, big or small, and makes a conscious decision every time to not abandon what he worked for because the phrase "What worth was your dream if you just gave up in the end?" motivates him to be better than who he was yesterday and try his best to reach his dreams

- because of this he's a heavy believer that most people can change. i say most because I'm pretty sure he knows Muzan will never change, or some of the other terrible people in the world. he's accepted over time that he can’t help everyone, but he'll be damned if he doesn't try his hardest in figuring ot if they are truly, genuinely, capable of being better. so he's incredibly supportive of people who actually do make efforts to improve themselves because he knows how hard it is to come from such a bad situation/bad mindset and reteach good values and habits

- that doesn't mean that poeple are expempt from their punishments of course- everyone deserves the consequences of their actions to be better to know what to improve on, but he has sympathy for the poeple who's consequences stop their lives short (example, countless demons that he feels terrible for because they came from really bad situations)

-since he knows how hard it is to improve on anything- he’s very very supportive to people who do that for themselves or for others. in fact, he would go out of his way for about anyone to make their life a little better but if he sees someone struggling their way to their personal best he'll happily be a help to them in any way that they can. oh, you were training really hard today and had no success in perfecting a certain technique? its alright, you can just lay down right now while he fixes your bath water and tomorrow he'll help you out with it in any way he can. hes the best cheerleader!

-overall tanjiro is very sweet and kind, even though he has personal problems with his own demons and feeling as if he's a burden most of the time. for all this suffering, he views the prosperity of the people around him worth it and is selfless to the end of the line for those whom he cares about

[ ~Thank You For Reading!~ ]

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 5x02 Red Queen

Note: I’m afraid that I’ll have to delay my review of 7x12 The Stranger a bit longer - maybe till Friday (because I’m busy with work, and I think that one may take a bit more time to finish), but in the meantime, here’s - finally - a continuation of my season 5 rewatch reviews. It happens to be the only seasons I haven’t covered yet - except for 5x01 Eden, which I rewatched a few months ago after 7x02 The Garden, because I wanted to compare the two. I was planned to do Red Queen right afterwards - it’s interesting to compare and contrast Octavia’s character transformations in season 5 and season 7 - but it didn’t pan out that way. But now, @jeanie205 and me have started another joint rewatch during the hiatus, this one of season 5. (She only saw it live, week to week, and hasn’t rewatched it yet, I binged it and this is my second rewatch.)

...............................

I’ve always thought of season 5 as a season with a really strong beginning - the first 3 or 4 episodes are fantastic - which drags a bit in the middle before ending a very strong two-part finale.. The 6-year jump, in terms of storytelling, had both good and bad results. These two opening episodes, Eden and Red Queen, really make the best out of the time jump, with flashbacks about Clarke surviving on her own on a desolated Earth and meeting Madi, and flashbacks of what happened to Wonkru in the bunker. It says a lot that we got half an episode of Clarke surviving on Earth, a full episode plus a bunch of flashbacks in 5x11 about the bunker... and nothing about the Ring (till that one flashback in season 7). It’s because the life on the Ring was so boring and uneventful that the show didn't care to show anything of those 6 years. Clarke’s peaceful life with Madi in Eden also happened off-screen - we only saw their first meeting and their later relationship in the present - but Clarke’s two months of terrible hardship got covered in amazing 20 minutes. But the bunker is where things were the most intense. 

If the Ring seems to be just boring everyday life of 7 people who can’t go anywhere for 6 years, and if Clarke got to live in Eden (paradise) with Madi after the purgatory of 40 50+ days in the desert, the bunker is clearly Hell. It is a claustrophobic underground world full of anger, conflict and violence that certainly looks like Hell by the end of the episode.

The last scene, with its horror imagery, reminded me of the current Sanctum storyline in season 7 (both Blodreina and Sheidheda like using skulls as decoration), and the comparison shows exactly why the bunker/Blodreina story worked so well, and why the S7 Sanctum story does not. It’s all about moral ambiguity and keeping the audience on its toes, pulling the rug from under us by making us unsure how to feel about characters and their actions, which Red Queen does so well (and which S7 Sanctum storyline completely fails to do, being very predictable and black and white). Red Queen is so well done and intense that I don’t even mind that Clarke and Bellamy and some of my other favorites aren’t in it.

Timeline: The episode starts 42 days after Praimfaya and ends 46 days after Praimfaya.

The opening scenes take place at the same time when Clarke arrived in Polis and tried to open the door. Clarke's only listed as appearing in this episode because of this repeated scene from Eden. (It’s weird that apparently not just the Temple, but the Tower also apparently fell on the entrance. The Tower is next to the Temple, but I’m not sure if that would really happen?) I’m not sure what exactly caused the rubble to fall down, but this is the moment where everyone loses hope, since they know they probably can’t get out, even though they have 5 years to try to think of the solution.

Niylah has found a bunch of books and some other stuff in the bunker, and one of the books was Ovid’s Metamorphoses, which we now know was Callie Cadogan’s book. (That was a nice Easter Egg in 7x08.) Niylah knows Bellamy used to read to Octavia about Ancient Rome - she must have heard it from her or from Clarke or someone else in Arkadia over the last month or so that she spent with them. It is still surprising she knows about Ovid, specifically. What she doesn’t know when she gives Octavia the book is how symbolic it is of what happens to Octavia throughout this episode - her metamorphosis into Blodreina. (We even see the opening line on screen: “ I intend to speak of forms changed into new entities..”).

Octavia Blake is a character who has undergone more dramatic transformations than any other character on The 100. I wasn’t a big fan of her in some of the early seasons, but now I think that, after what the show has done with her since season 4, she has probably had the best character arc of any character on the show. (Some would say it’s Murphy, but that’s because people like to think of character development as going from bad to good, a positive progression - which is a lot more predictable and done quite often. What the show did with Octavia is much more complex and unexpected.) Her turn to the dark side and subsequent redemption were really well done, and Marie Avgeropoulos is one of the best actors on the show (I’ve always thought so regardless of how I felt about her character at any given time) and pulled off her changes in season 5 so well.

What the episode does really well is maintain ambiguity about Octavia’s development as a leader. The first time you watch it, it’s not clear what is she developing into. Is this a story about a well-meaning but still inexperienced teenage girl becoming a great leader? Well, the cliffhanger of 5x01 showed the fighting pits and the new scary Blodreina look, so it’s already hinted it’s not quite like that. But the episode still makes you root for Octavia, who’s up against not just the difficult circumstances - trapped in the bunker, limited resources - but also tribalism of Skaikru and 11 Grounder clans and a lot short-sighted people who hate and keep fighting each other. You just can’t not root for her when she starts forcing them to obey, near the end of the episode (and it’ certainly comes off as a very badass scene - if a bit unrealistic, since Octavia has only been training in Grounder-style combat for about 7-8 months at that point) - but then things may start getting a little ominous as she repeats the mantra “You are Wonkru, or you are the enemy of Wonkru. Choose!” (“You’re either with us, or against us” statements by political leaders are always worrying), even before the ending, where both Octavia and the bunker look like something out of a horror movie. This entire storyline made the point that unity can’t be forced on people, especially not by a single all-powerful leader, without turning into tyranny and oppression.

What’s also morally ambiguous is advice from the mortally wounded Jaha, which ends up influencing Octavia’s decisions and development as a leader. Jaha was always one of the most morally grey characters - he’s not evil, always had good intentions, but his ruthlessness and willingness to disregard individual lives in the name of the Big Picture of saving “his (collective) people” and his complete confidence that this is the right leadership style, were always very disturbing, and made him the villain in the eyes of - and the lives of - all the young protagonists of the show. In season 4, some of them started seeing his perspective. faced with the similar difficult choices. After Clarke in season 4, Octavia also starts seeing his perspective - which is particularly disturbing because it is the same man who executed her mother for just having a child, and locked her up for a year as a criminal just for being born. But Jaha’s actions in Red Queen are some of his most heroic ever in the show, and he gets a heroic death and a moving death scene... while still being kind of a real d1ck, someone who justifies Aurora’s execution to Octavia by saying her mother made herself “the enemy” and bringing them “closer to death”. In the context, Jaha as an unexpected mentor to Octavia can be seen as something good or at least a necessary for her to develop into a capable leader... Or is it? The line between hero and villain can be very thin. Sure, it helps Octavia resolve the situation, save hundreds of people in the bunker, and apparently unite everyone into Wonkru - but as we see by the end of the episode and the rest of the season, it also ends up making her a tyrant who ends up getting hundreds of her people killed in the name of saving “her people” and delivering them to paradise as a messiah. She becomes the same thing she hated, an oppressor like those who forced her to hide under the floor and killed her mother.  

(This dialogue from season 4 is pretty relevant here:  

Clarke: You know, he used to be everything that I hated. Maybe he was keeping us together.

Jasper: When Jaha's looking reasonable, it's time to reassess.)

I have to say, however, in spite of all the moral greyness... I can’t stand Kara Cooper. She’s one of the few characters on the show that just piss me off to no end and I can’t find any sympathy for her. I know that it’s different for others, I’ve seen people say they see her perspective, and yes, the show  gives her a tragic backstory (losing her father in the Culling on the Ark and her husband in the Second Culling in 4x12)... but this time I can’t bring myself to care, because: 

She wants to leave some 1100+ people to die, even though she should be well aware that, even if there is a problem of overpopulation in the bunker*, she really doesn’t have to kill that many people, 

She’s a scientist and gives a speech about how the lack of diversity would lead to a massive die-off for plants... Surely she should know that the same would happen to the humans, and that a human race can’t survive with just around 80 people?! which leads me to

She doesn’t care about the survival of the human race and is ready to condemn it to extinction, just so she and a few others would live more comfortably and wouldn’t be in danger of immediate death, 

She says she wants to save “her people” - but it’s all about tribalism (Skaikru or not Skaikru?) and not love, and she is a hypocrite, because she is ready to leave a bunch of Skaikru outside the door to die, too, 

She is a hypocrite when she acts like Abby did something terrible by opening the bunker door to save Kane (which also saved hundreds of people more than would have otherwise been saved) - basically, she’s like “ Abby, how dare you not prioritize my husband, a guy you didn't even know, over your boyfriend? You're so terrible!" Sure. That makes sense. 

Her arguments about why the bunker “belongs” to Skaikru are rubbish: “ "Jaha found it. It belonged to us" - even if we accept the finders-keepers idea, actually, multiple people helped find the bunker. Yes, Jaha was the driving force, but Bellamy found the coin, and Kane, Monty and Gaia all massively contributed to finding it - without Gaia's info they wouldn't have ever found it - as did Indra, and the fighters from Trikru and their allies who guarded the temple so they could do it. She just ignored all these facts. If they had kept the bunker in 4x11, they would have left most of these people out (including Kane and Monty). Oh, and she is now trying to take the bunker back... and she’s ready to leave Jaha himself outside! 

And after all of that, she saves her own skin by being the most ruthless one of everyone Octavia sent to the fighting pit and killing them all - and then becomes Octavia’s right hand and sycophant. What integrity! 

While many people seem to think that Octavia’s downfall started with the cannibalism during the Dark Year, I think it’s the decision at the end of Red Queen to open the fighting pits and start punishing every crime by throwing people in them. This is her first really bad decision. In practice, this form of “justice” means that you can commit any crime you want if you're good at killing people once you’re in the pit. it fosters a culture of violence - even more so when death matches are entertainment. So, in the end, the guy from Delphi clan who just stole blankets (the Sangedakru delegate Brell demanded death for that - their laws are pretty draconian, makes me wonder in retrospect if Sheidheda was the one who first imposed them) died, while Kara effing Cooper got to live because she was the most ruthless person there. What I think Octavia should have done is - she should have executed the murderers and the leaders of the rebellion and given minor punishments to people who did things like steal blankets. (it's been argued they needed Cooper for the farm - but that was not the reasoning, Octavia left her with everyone else to fight.) 

This was Octavia, sadly, combining not the best, but the worst of the Ark system (death as the punishment for every crime or minor misdemeanor), Grounder tradition (death matches as the solution to everything) and her childhood stories of the Ancient Rome. If you're using Ancient Rome gladiator fights as your role model...you've probably stopped being a good guy.

The last scene, fighting pits 6 years later, is similar to the cliffhanger end of the previous episode, only now we get the cliffhanger of Kane being one of the fighters. Octavia is in her full Blodreina mode now. Not just her outward look has changed, but her facial expressions, too - this is the first time we see that cold, sinister Blodreina smile. Indra doesn’t look too happy, Gaia and Ethan are there. Miller- even after that much time - doesn’t look too happy with Cooper being there, by Octavia's side.

This is straight up horror imagery. There is even some sort of structure made of skulls next to where she's sitting!  Not exactly a throne of skulls like Sheidheda has in season 7 but something similar.

But here’s why this works so differently than Sheidheda and his throne of skulls in season 7 and why people are bored by the latter. There is no ambiguity in the S7 Sanctum story. Sheiheda is completely, cartoonishly evil, there is nothing complex about it, Murphy is now definitely a good guy, as are Emori and Indra, and none of them are in conflict about how to deal with him (except for a short moment in 7x09, which was OOC for Indra). The only characters that we may still wonder 'what are they gonna do? which side will they take?" are minor, underdeveloped characters like Nikki, or Knight (you're in trouble when your main question is "will Knight change sides?"). It's a very simple black and white story, the kind t100 normally doesn't do and Shady’s throne of . But when Octavia has her face painted in blood, has skulls next to her, and a creepy smile while she’s deciding the fate of the winner, that is genuinely disturbing because it's Octavia. You’ve followed her for seasons, and you’ve spent the whole episode rooting for her to solve the problems and deal with those really awful and annoying people... and then she does, and oh my god, suddenly she turns into a villain, and that’s chilling. 

Other observations:

I love the Kabby scene where they're talking while chained up in the farm, while a guy is playing guitar in the background. I think Abby was pretty unfair to Kane when she said he took away her choice to kill herself - because she didn’t try to kill herself, she tried to make Kane kill her, and then she expected him to be able to do it, even though she never could: not only did she open the bunker door to save Kane, she destroyed the radiation chamber (possibly dooming thousands of people) because she couldn’t allow Clarke to risk her life (in 4x08). Kane may be more of a “Head” than “Heart” of the two of them, but Abby should have realized he wouldn’t be able to carry her unconscious body (or even let someone else do it) and let her die of radiation. He loves her and he doesn’t really have anyone else. Abby really seemed to be taking out her own self-loathing out on him. It was still a sweet moment when he finally dropped the pretense that he saved her for being a doctor and admitted it was a Heart decision, and she finally admitted she would do the same and never regretted opening the bunker door to save him. 

But we get a hint about that Abby has already developed a pill addiction, which will strain and almost destroy their relationship. Kabby was a really well written relationship - we saw them falling in love over 4 seasons (which rarely happens with romantic relationships on this show) - but then we also saw that being together and loving each other is not enough to be “happy ever after”, not when you live in f*cked up circumstances and when you both have to deal with all sorts of problems. Love can’t conquer everything, which is more realistic way to depict romance.

Mackson actually have some screentime in this episode. This is actually the first time we see that they are together (after a brief flirting scene in season 4). I had forgotten that Miller says the L word in this episode: "You're a healer, nor a fighter. That's why I love you.” I thought “This was pretty fast” - but when you take into account they’ve been together for a couple of months, it’s actually not that fast compared to most of the romances on the show... It’ just that most of their relationships happens off-screen.

So Level C (which Cooper and her people took over) was where Cadogan planned to be with his family if the rest of the bunker goes to hell. Makes sense he’d do something like that.

Indra was already not a fan of the Commanders at this point, telling Gaia: "Your real Commanders would have left you to burn", "the spirits of the Commanders have abandoned us"

We got two Wells mentions in this episode! One when Jaha was reading a children’s book (apparently The Giving Tree - thanks @jeanie205​) to Ethan, and says it was his son's favorite bedtime story, and another one when Jaha is dying and says “Take me to my wife. Take me to Wells”.

ALIE would be proud of these people: they all keep repeating “There are too many people in this bunker” throughout the episode. Thanos would be proud of them, too. Why not instead say: “There aren’t enough resources in this bunker”? No worries then, they will manage to get 1/3 of those people killed - 814 will remain instead of 1200 by the time they get out of the bunker... What few characters in the show ever seem to realize are too few people for the human race to survive. That is, if they weren't lucky to always be running into more humans, and then everyone blows it away by killing each other, again.

A few lines in this episode feel like dark foreshadowing:

Abby makes the first mention of cannibalism, a dark period in Ark’s history called the “Blight"

"It won't be that easy", says Octavia to Cooper when Cooper wanted to kill herself. One could say the same when Octavia tried to sacrifice herself and die in 5x12

"I'll take care of the boy” - Octavia promises to Jaha to take care of little Ethan, just as Jaha promised to Ethan’s father. That didn't turn out so well in the end...

Rating: 9/10

[lastcrystalwitch]

4/11/21

Curbing frustrations due to stopping smoking, *I am constantly reminding myself to be a decent human being, and be decent to others. Its been a while since I stopped smoking. But this is the first time I did so willingly.

I had my heart broke. A close friend of mine turned out to be an enemy. Someone who didn't believe in me from the beginning, lied to my face countless times that I am just finding out about, and told others bad things about me. All I can do, and all I could ever do, however, us just accept this distrust, because that is the person that they want to be and I cant change that. I can only just keep being myself, wishing good for everyone and understand what it is that makes me tick, and focus on my needs. I spent a year and a half doting on that person, taking care of them, bringing them gifts, and trying to make them smile when most of what they did was talk bad about me behind my back, lie to me, and prove to me that they don't respect me, don't care about me, and they are stuck in a childish mindset.

Honestly early drug use in young teens prevents their brain from developing. So perhaps that's the case. You're a lost boy from neverland. And If you want to grow up and stop acting spoiled and entitled, and super selfish, you'll have to try harder than everyone else. But small steps first starting out.

Spirit told me not to burn my bridge with you. That you will grow up, that you will learn, but only after you lose your entire family, people disown you because of your cowardly negligence, and you lose everything. I don't keep liars as friends. And I should have been more careful. They say love is blind. But only the ancients understood it fully. This is why I still love you. I see you for you, and not what everyone else sees. Let me explain.

There are many forms of a persons soul. Spirit, soul, essence, and physical outer spirit, what you show everyone else, are all radically different things.

To help explain this a little bit I borrowed the following list from Wikipedia, which does a fair job at explaining most things. However, there was an exceptional volume written by one of my favorite authors so far, in the early 1800's - and his name unfortunately escapes me. He was a scholar, professor, archeologist, and preserver of ancient history. He had traveled to many many sites from ancient cultures, mainly Egypt, and it is because of his work as a linguist that we were able to get this list together to help others understand there is more to a person than just their spirit and their soul.

1Khet (physical)

2Sah (spiritual body)

3Ib (heart)

4Ka (vital essence)

5Ba (personality)

6Shut (shadow)

7Sekhem (form)

8Ren (name)

So, each one of these is its own separate element that makes up a person. And in this book from the 1800's, the one that escapes my memory - he goes into each of these, and If I am remembering correctly, this is not an exhaustive list; there are more elements to a person. But he goes into each one and breaks it down. I can do my best to explain these, but I feel like I wouldn't do half as much as a good job.

But when I look at a person, I don't know if it is my vision, but I don't see someone's KHET. I see their "ihb", Thier "Shut", and their "Ka."

But that is because as someone who was constantly bullied in my life, by all types of people, beautiful people, ugly people, faking nice people ... I don't look at the way that they dress, or how skinny they are. That is the least important part of a person. The most important part of a person is the part that they show to no one when no one else is there, how they interact with strangers, and how they interact with animals and their environment. Spencer might have broken my trust, but I see his KA, I've always seen it. And his Ka is beautiful, RARE, and so strong. He asked me what I see in him. Many people have asked me what I see in him. He has broken BA, and a very interesting Sekhem. He hates his own Ren as much as I do, and opened up to me as to why. And I know he wasn't lying about that. I enjoy his company because I see who he wants to be. And I see his Shut, (shu*ot) or his shadow. But behind every Shut, there is a light side. And he has the capability to become one of the most successful and influential people I know. He has endless potential which he hasn't even scratched the surface with, and he can change so many peoples entire lives, and doesn't even know it yet. I love his Sah, which isn't easy to explain to someone who has never heard these terms before.

And without which is why I see lots of growth needed for him to do. And he'll get there. It might take him 20 years to stop being afraid of himself, and I say that with so much love. Afraid, not calling him a coward, he is very brave, but he runs away in fear of getting hurt, and in fear of people letting him down, like so many people have done so many times in the past. Your Ka is beautiful. One of the most rare and strongest I have ever seen. As shocking of a presence as being very tall. Someone with a beautiful Ka will always influence others. Always draw attention. They are so rare and unique of a person that instantly others are attracted to them. Instantly they get noticed.

You know what is cute? Someone so tall trying to be invisible. ^-^

They are able to be someone that others depend on, feel safe around, and look up to. People want to be around others with a Ka like that. Always. Even when you're feeling blue. Because when that Ka feels better, when its not sad, when you get out of your comfort zone, set a goal for yourself and get it done, the sun comes out of the darkness. And that Ka starts emanating happiness. People with strong Ka's are like superweapons. They can be the back bone of families. Someone who everyone loves and cherishes. I don't think they know it, but that Ka is the most beautiful part of someone. And it drives me insane to think that he doesn't even know his own worth!

I forgive you for lying to me. I don't accept it, lying isn't good. But I understand why you did it. They were selfish reasons, and I don't use the word selfish in a negative way. Selfish in the fact that you were just looking for a way to get what you wanted, to make yourself happy. So you could have fun, enjoy the day, and smile like you do sometimes.

But you are still a child when it fully understands what it is that makes a person happy. And that's not your fault. You never learned the secret. No one told you because it doesn't exist in your family. It doesn't really even exist in mine, its something that I had to figure out and struggle through myself growing up, and dedicating 15 years to bettering myself and doing everything I could to become the best version of myself;

In order to be happy with the decisions that you make, in order to feel comfortable with you decisions and be proud of yourself, you have to know yourself. When we spend so much time hiding and looping pain around in our heads we spiral down into a circle that never ends. This leads to depression, drug abuse, alcoholism, lying to your friends, lying to your family, and lying to yourself. You'll look in the mirror and not know/not like who you are. To not know yourself.

Take time to practice healthy practices for you. Become an adult. Become who you want to be. You say you wished she'd come out of the blue and make you be someone who you wished you were: Someone confident. Someone happy. You wished you were okay. You said that she'd come into your life and make you stop drinking, stop doing all the drugs.

Be careful what you wish for, Giant. She came into your life. She adored you. She tried to show you how to love. You pushed her away, thwarted her efforts to help you, shamed her, disrespected her, hurt her feelings, tore her soul, made her spend entire nights crying over you and your decisions. She just wanted to trust you. And you broke that trust. YOU destroyed your relationship with select few who really were expecting great things from you.

Because you still need to learn. You still need to try. There is a point, and it is possible. Everything that you want, you can achieve. The only person who is stopping it is yourself. Grow up.

I see your pain. You can't understand that because you can't empathize with others like I can. I know your heartbreak. I can say that because I have a very big heart.

But seriously, grow up. Set a goal. Get it done. You're sitting and rotting in your own filth and its no ones fault but yours. You can blame anyone you want to. Anyone. I can think of seven people you'd probably blame instead of yourself.

Take responsibility for your actions. This is a part of growing up. Accept that you made a mistake. Say your sorry, and try again. When you do something wrong, admit it. When you go out of your way to hurt someone, tell yourself that it is bad. Be a god damn decent human being and the world will be yours. Stop living like a pathetic thief. You're better than that. You're stronger than that. I see your Ka, and I believe in you. Seriously, stop your shit. Just stop. This is bigger than your deep seeded sadness. This is about the rest of your life.

I can't force you to change. You'll either change, or stay the same miserable self you are and end up being hated and shamed by everyone in your family. But its up to you. Its only up to you. She came into your life. You got what you wished for. You had the lock, and she had the key. But you have to be the one that turns the key and opens the door to your own success and future. Sometimes you have to help yourself. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

I know you can do it. I believe in you. But it doesn't matter what I say or think, or how I feel. You'll never see it that way, unless you grow up and get your head out of your ass. <3 Be a man, know yourself. Learn what it is that makes you tick. Stop the drugs. They're just a guaranteed trip to self sabotage and unhappiness. Seriously dude, you're going the wrong way on that, and I CAN SEE. So I'm giving you a heads up. It doesn't make you feel better

STOP LYING. Mostly stop lying to yourself. Drugs don't solve anything. What do they make you do? Well, they mess up your kidneys, which always hurt and only feel better when you apply pressure to them. You're rotting your kidneys. You've only got two, and a rare blood type, so the more you drink and the more you do drugs, the higher your creatinine level will be and it becomes like a cutter. You are injuring yourself to the point of self harm. And you do it deliberately to TAKE THE PAIN AWAY.

I know this because I can see your spirit. And there were so many conversations that we have had. So many that I know you don't remember. And after finding out how much you lie, I can't believe all of it anymore. I can't trust you. YOU DID THAT. No one else. And it sucks, but even behind all the lies, the Ka was still there. I could feel your actual hurt as my own, so those 5am talks we had, all those conversations, and the times that you were there for me, weather you were to blind to know that you were there for me and if you even realized it or not, I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and hanging around me sometimes. Thank you for sitting with me on the couch, while I cried because my soul hurt and the world didn't make sense. Thank you for showing me what a kind person and loving friend you actually really are, even if it is hidden under layers and layers of pain and guilt and self loathing. Thank you for letting me get to know a little bit of you, and thank you for making me smile when you know I didn't feel good. Thank you for making me laugh when things were getting too serious. Thank you for sharing your joy with me in my life. You don't know how many times you made me feel better just by being able to forget about all the worlds problems and sing in the car. Thank you for saying things without saying them, and showing me that you are so genuine and unique, there really isn't anyone like you in this world. You are super special, and you've literally saved my life the night you let me come into your room and sit there and watch the fishes. You don't know how much pain I was in. And you were there for me. You helped me not end my life that night. I only walked away with a couple scars. YOU HELPED ME. YOU did. Just by letting me in. We didn't talk. I couldn't. I was crying too much and my Ba and Ka were in absolute shambles. You didn't do anything except be in the right place at the right time, but your energy, as confused as it was at that time, helped me know that I wasn't the only one alone and suffering. And it was okay. and YOU had given me another reason to keep breathing. You'll never know how much you mean to me. Thank you for what you have helped me though.

I hope you can learn and know the Wisdom, not knowledge, that you can do anything you set your mind to, if you want to. I have proved to myself and to you, that you are the only one that is making your life miserable. I have done everything for you. And unless it is served to you on a silver platter, you reject it. You are the only one stopping your life progress. And you've convinced and lied to yourself so much about it that somehow you actually believe it is true.

I wish you could see through my eyes.

Even better, I wish you the courage and strength it takes to change you life and want to succeed better. Because you have all the tools. Shit, I gave you EVERYTHING. The only excuse is yourself. You are what is stopping you.

Life goes on. We never forget them. But we have to live our lives. They forced themselves to be a memory. Force yourself to live. Go live out your own story. Stop lying to yourself. Your a fricking great person! You lie, sure. You manipulate, sure. But I see you! That isn't who you want to be and the time in your life right now is merely a stepping stone for all the endless things that are out there. There are layers of things that you don't understand. I'm not trying to be mean, but trust me when I say there's a lot out there.

Maybe someday we will meet again when you turn into an adult. Because right now I see you as a boy. There is so much out there to look forward to. There are SO many fun things out there in different cultures. You have a journey ahead of you, and I just wished that I could have been part of it with you.

I forgive you. You really really hurt me. And it absolutely is your fault and no one else. But at the end of the day, its You who has to live with who you are. And you can CHANGE and Grow. I have all ready seen the person you are 20 years from now. And you wouldn't believe it if I told you. Rv's, dual citizenship, backpacked across the grand canyon, visited MT St. Helen, been to Yellowstone 3 times, had lots of fun there with friends. Married, divorced. Someone who is comfortable in his own skin. Someone who doesn't feel the need to impress everyone, and who is happy. Someone who has become comfortable in his own skin. Someone who doesn't get offended by what other people think.

In 20 years I see you happy. I see you deciding you're a product of your environment and you wanted to change because everything is not set in stone. Its just what you knew. Past tense.

You can learn from your mistakes.

Just because you've never won the lottery, doesn't mean its not possible. People are winning the lottery all the time. There is hope. Just because you have never felt comfortable in your own skin doesn't mean that its not possible. It just means that you can experience it, and LIVE it, and KNOW it, for the first time, and for the rest of your life.

In 20 years you have more money than you know what to do with, and you have your own place, and like 3.5 cars, 2 that run 2 that don't. Projects. You have goals. You have your own family. You have your own life. People look up to you. You smile more. Your mouth doesn't hurt anymore because you stopped saying, "It doesn't matter." Instead you say things like, "Its possible."

But you have to try. And you have to keep trying.

But first you have to stop with the drinking and stop with the drugs, because you're literally hurting yourself and everyone around you, and you are going to be the only reason that you end up alone and unhappy. The truth hurts. Just like when I found out how much you really did lie to me, after I really didn't deserve it. I did everything I could to help you. I spent hours doing paperwork for you to help you get free dental, researching schools for GEDS, looking at loan and credit repair options, screening background checks to help you find out if you were really hung up locked out of states and not allowed to come back. You're actually not banned from Florida or Texas. There are no warrants out for your arrest by the way, because you never actually did anything super terrible. Otherwise you would have been thrown in jail instead of told to get the hell out of dodge.

There are people out in this world that really do care about you, and really want to see the best for you. But you have to want the best for yourself. You just want to be happy. I don't know how high or drunk you were when we had that conversation, but you just want to be you again. You just want to be happy again.

You can be. You have to do it though. I can't hold your hand like a little boy and do it for you. I tried. YOU were the reason that it didn't work. I did my part. YOU were the one that let yourself down. Literally all you had to do was to sign it. And I see this pattern with you.

Really, lets go ahead and break this down.

You are the cause of your own unhappiness.

Others can literally do EVERYTHING for YOU, and you come up with some kind of excuse and you LIE to YOURSELF, of why it won't happen. You do this to yourself. You are what they call, "A product of self fulfilling prophecies."

That's because you make it happen.

Your success: YOU make it happen.

Your failures: YOU make it happen.

Its really up to you to decide who you want to be. Not the other way around. Really. I'm not joking. I'm being honest. I'm not lying.

You can do it.

But you have to want it.

And you don't have to be alone.

And as shitty as you have treated me, and as terrible as a human you've been to me, doesn't make it ok. That was a really really mean, unnecessary and childish thing you did, for the past year and a half. Manipulating me like you did.

It still hurts because I trusted you, and you shit on me. YOU did that. That was YOUR choice.

But its MY choice to give you a heads up and let you know what you've been wanting to know this whole time, You are the way to your future. If you want to be miserable for the rest of your life, I cannot stop you. If you want to be treated like a little boy, who lies, and who is mean for the rest of your life, I cannot stop you. You are the only one who can change you.

Your entire future and happiness is up to you.

Choose your attitude. Choose your future. Choose to be someone you can be proud of. For once, stop lying to yourself. Its stupid.

[vei-saretti]

I'ma make this into two parts. These movies are too damn long.

Remember when George Lucas himself was actually in charge? Pepperidge Farm remembers. And it weeps to think of the times we had when the lore was good and the characters made sense.

Tbh, I think the biggest reason we all love Qui Gon is because of Liam Neeson. I think anyone else could easily have made him look as big of a prick as Windu seems. But I can't think of a better actor to play the mentor to one of the most legendary Star Wars characters of all time.

The fact that Sidious thought the Trade Federation could just... kill a couple Jedi is goddamn hilarious to me. I thought Sidious was supposed to be smart.

Sometimes I wish I had been a teen or adult in 1999 so I could have gone from watching the OT, where you see all of two Jedi, one extremely old, to seeing dozens of young, badass Jedi kicking ass all in one movie. That must have been so fucking mind blowing.

The design of Naboo's city is stunning. The mix of technology and Italian renaissance architecture melds so well.

Oh, here we go, Jar Jar... Listen, I don't hate him, per se, but I think he mayyyyybe could have been handled a bit different to be made less annoying. That being said, he cracks me up several times during this movie, so he's not all bad. I can't help it. I grew up watching him in these movies.

"What's this??" Same, Obi-Wan. Same.

Gungan city is admittedly quite pretty as well.

Why are Boss Nass' eyes in his head when the other Gungan's eyes are on stalks... I am most confusion.

Fun fact, the giant newt thing's sound that it makes is a deepened, edited sound byte of one of the sound designer's kids.

"Relax" "You overdid it" is also goddamn hilarious.

I'd love to know... Other than the city and the swamps, why the hell is the rest of Naboo mostly just... plain ass grass. Like, what a boring ass landscape. I mean, I suppose it was probably for budgeting constraints, but still.

That shot of Padmé looking out the window as the droid army just marches right up to her front door is kind of haunting. She's powerless to stop it and knows no way out. Love that shot.

I only just noticed this the last time I watched this movie, after seeing it nearly 50 times as a kid, but when Qui Gon and Obi-Wan are leading the dignitaries to the hangar to escape, Padmé's handmaiden is decoying as her. When she's struggling to make the decision to go to Coruscant or to stay, since she's not the actual queen and doesn't know what decision Padmé herself would make, she says "Either choice presents great danger - to us all" and turns and looks dead in the eye of the real Padmé, who answers with, "We are brave, your Highness", CLEARLY telling her decoy to agree to go to Coruscant. I just find that so cool. It's the little things.

So apparently I'm an idiot. After bitching that fuel has never existed in Star Wars after The Last Jedi and Solo came out, here I am being proven wrong. Qui Gon just said "We have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship." Whoops.

Eyyyy, mah boi Maul. He looks so imposing with the hood. I miss Maul with the hood tbh. We deserve more of that. He also has legs here (RIP).

Natalie is soooooo young here. She's so cute oml I love her. Also I can't believe the actual queen decided it would be a good idea to go into the heart of Tatooine, aka Hutt territory, herself. Intelligent /s

Qui Gon is literally so fucking tall lmao. He dwarfs everyone.

BABY ANI. I know everyone hates baby Ani aka Jake Lloyd, but that kid is so damn cute. He's so sweet. And his acting isn't that bad.

But also thinking about how these two (meaning adult-ish looking Padmé and this kid Anakin) fuck later in life is straight up unnerving.

I like how Anakin does the typical kid thing and is like "Hey mom, here's some random strangers that I trusted and brought home". Has Shmi never taught this child about stranger danger?

My boy Maul has been thinking about revenge since the beginning. Incredible. This man has a revenge boner so intense it outlasts his own dick.

So did Plageous/Sidious choose Shmi specifically to carry their Force-made baby experiment or was Shmi a victim of happenstance? I mean, I imagine they wanted him to be born in the Outer Rim so the Jedi didn't find him (lol RIP) so maybe it was both.

Listen, I'm not saying I normally skip the pod race, but I usually skip the hell out of the pod race unless I'm in the right mood or I'm watching with someone else. It's not exactly boring, it's just not useful to the plot. And I hate regular racing in the first place so that's not helpful at all.

I kinda really hate how Jabba the Hutt looks in this movie...

I love how there's a bunch of Tuskens with fucking slog throwers just out here tryna kill pod racers for little to no reason. It's like if a bunch of rednecks with shotguns went to Daytona and tried to shoot the drivers for their car parts.

End part one...

[marixpedition]

5 Risks That Gave 2019 a 180-Degree Turn

It is almost the end of the year, and here we are trying to look back at what basically happened in the year that is yet to end. I am guessing that it will either be a trip down to memory lane or a flashback of regrets. It is undeniable that we are all rooting for the former though.

2019 embodies a different personality for every person. I have scrolled through Instagram looking at people’s 2019 stories - travel, success, milestones, relationships, reconciliation, breakups, enlightenment, coffee, and more coffee. Some would say it is a year to be thankful for; some would say it is something they have to let go of. I am thinking each year boils down into two options: make or break. 

I have known people who got married this year, had their first child, graduated from college or graduate school, got back with their ex, traveled a lot this year, just got promoted at work. Others I have known of lost a family member, ended a long time relationship, got cheated on, lost an opportunity they have been waiting for so long, was rejected by a person they liked so much or friendzoned, had a friendship gap because of little things that got out of hand.

Disclaimer lang puu: ‘di ako nagbablind item or nangchichismis.

Each year that passes for us is a mathematical problem that just got solved or just left us even more puzzled than we were in this life. If I were to assess my 2019, I choose the latter. There are so many things this year that got me asking myself, “ What the heck was that?” or “What on Earth just happened?”

I am about to share to you 5 personal things that happened in my year and what I learned from them. These are not just 5 personal issues or drama or whatever you would call that, but they are “risks” I took this year that made me tell myself, “Damn, girl! Ano? Rebel ghorl?”

1. Pixie Cut

Christmas of 2018 was when I finally had a short haircut after 3 years of having a long hair, but 2018 was yet to be shaken. It was because I finally decided, middle of this year, to get a pixie after a year of push and pull conflict with myself. I was too excited to get my hair chopped real short that time and also nervous. Why was I nervous? SIZT! I was about to get the shortest length of haircut in my entire life (so far). Who knows I might sport myself a baldy some day? 

Do I consider it a risk? ENTIRELY. It was a huge risk because I was not fully confident that I will be able to pull it off after the magic of the salon blower expires. It turns out to be true. Reactions of the people I know were mixed. “Omg! You cut your hair? I love it!” “It suits you! How I wish I can do the same!” “What happened to your hair?!” “Why did you cut it?” “What are you doing with your life?” (Oo besh may ganun nagtanong, “Ano ginagawa mo sa buhay mo?”)

How did my family react to it? My brother - no comment. My mother - at first she was confused as to why I would cut my hair very short but she eventually accepted my decision. After months of having my pixie, she also got the same hairdo. Idol talaga ako ng nanay ko. ‘Di bale idol ko din naman siya. My father - he did not like it. He thought I looked like a “tomboy” in Filipino context. Jake Zyrus ganorn daw. Even my relatives from the province was not a fan of it especially the titas. I still love them, but I was on the verge of blaming the culture for what it has imposed on women with short hair and glorifying those with long ones. But I said to myself, WHATEVER. 

That is when it hit me. 

That is how it feels when you defy the norms without actually violating any rules. Cliché man pero EMPOWERED tayo mga mamshies. It was following my heart’s desire without compromising my faith and principles nor any relationship. It was a great leap for me - doing something new and beyond my comfort zone.

It reminded me of the day I put my life in the hands of the Lord. Many people would say it is very risky and scientifically unstable based on human calculations, but never in my entire life did I feel like I have done the right-est thing until I have surrendered everything to Him.

But why did I grow my hair again? P350 monthly haircut maintenance at Bench Fix Salon. Mahal, besh. Pulubi na ako.

2. 2nd Pair of Lobe and Helix Piercing

The second thing I will talk about is indeed RISKY. I admit that I have compromised few of my principles and relationships here. Example would be the promise to keep the body pure for it is the temple of the Holy Spirit, which means that having tattoos or cuts/wounds do not make the Lord pleased. Also, because I am an educator who is to be a role model in the academic institution, I must not have gotten a piercing that could push my students to do the same which obviously is not allowed in school.

Second best question is do I regret getting those piercings? Kind of. I am not the type of person who breaks the rules because I detest any form of hassle if it can be avoided. Now, having these piercings is so hassle when I am at work because they have to be removed then put on again at night to make sure the holes do not close.

Hassle talaga, mga besh. Wala eh. Priorities. I love my work more than my nice earrings and piercings.

Kathryn Bernardo made me get the piercings. Haaayy. I still love her though.

Do I recommend piercing? Yes, one pair only for girls. For boys, nah.

But to those who are wondering where I got them (hehe), I’ve had my first pair of lobe since I was a child. I don’t exactly remember where I got them. My second lobe piercings are from Unisilver which used an ear gun. It was more painful compared to needle piercing. My helix piercing was done by Iggy Boy Palma, a professional tattoo and piercing artist, at Whiplash Tattoo in BF Aguirre. Popular question: Which is safer and less painful? Definitely, needle piercing. I give it a 2/10 level of pain.

3. Bleaching my Hair

It was only this December that I finally decided to give my grown pixie a new look. I had the back part trimmed and gave in to the highlights club. At first, I was troubled by how it looked like after having it bleached. IT WAS SUPER LIGHT AND BRIGHT #ManokNaDilaw (yellowish orange). I got nervous because it looked bad on me, and I do not want to be called out again for another violation. So, I had the stylist layer the color with another coating which is gray.

Many people have asked how it was done. Let me share with you how simple it was. First, the stylist tied my hair in half pony tail. The loose part (untied) was the one that got bleached and colored gray. Finally, if you put the pony down, the light dye will be covered but is partially seen which is actually the idea of the style.

Was I happy about it? SUPER. I think this hairstyle is actually cool-subtle kind of rebel. It is not loud obvious, but it shows and stands out. Thank you, Pinterest.

Do I recommend it being done in a salon? Yes! Less hassle, and the stylists know better. However, if you have been coloring your own hair for years now, I guess you could do a DIY not to mention that it will be cheaper.

4. Getting Darker

What is wrong with being dark? NOTHING. But is there something wrong? Yes, many in this country believe that those who are fairer look better. Am I angry? No, but I am sad. Ganda ko kaya, char.

This year, I was blessed to have visited Boracay with my church friend. Despite it being crowded, it was a real paradise (Kala ko nga nasa abroad ako eh puro foreigners legit). The white sand was so fine just like flour. During the trip, I did bring with me sunscreen but not to make myself not get dark but to avoid sunburn. Yes. I was super ready to dive into the sea and just get all that rays on sunshine on my skin. When going on a beach trip, getting a tan is a must. I think tan looks pretty. To cut the long story short, I got darker intentionally lol.

Why is this a risk? I believe I have never been as dark as that in the past four years. After some time, our family went to our province in Quezon. Many of our relatives were like, “Ang itim mo!” “You got dark!” (Ano pa po? Keep it coming!) Well, it’s true, but what is saddening is the facial expressions that accompanied their remarks. Am I mad? Of course, not! It is a risk I do not regret at all. I do not mind getting dark as long as I get dark while on a beach trip and not here in Manila heat.

5. A New Work Responsibility

Now is some serious talk. (Kabado me sa part na ituu) What has changed this academic year for me? First, I got new additional tasks that are more challenging. Second, I am advising both students and teachers already. Third, I’m doing OTs again.

What exactly is this that I am talking about? It’s hard to explain, but let me put it this way. I used to be just an extra in a scene. Now, I am a some sort of a minor character who is tasked to help the protagonist achieve the goal and slay the enemies.

Am I happy about the opportunity? BIG YES. Is it mostly fun doing the job? No (nako nako talaga). There are more emotional heartbreaks, mental breakdowns, and sleepless nights. I have learned things in a not so easy way like how words could mean differently to the company and to the customer and how honest and transparent I must be to our clients. There were moments when I think I knew better, and it was so difficult to submit to authority. In those times, I was able to prove again that only God will remain consistent by my side. He is my constant help and supporter who encouraged me to choose what is right rather than what is convenient.

Did this opportunity put me in a better situation? Triple yes. I admit that the journey is an uphil climb. There is absolutely zero shortcuts (hirap kung hirap mga kapatid). However, God surrounded me with people who helped me mature, be graceful under pressure, control my emotions, laugh despite the hurt, and clearly see the beauty of being a teacher.

To end this post, I would like to just praise the God Almighty for His faithfulness in our lives. Getting through the 365 days is no joke. There were nights I thought of not going to work the next day because I had so many doubts and insecurities. Fortunately, I have only had one absence because I was sick. It was an ironman race to finish 2019. There were several curves and confusing directions which stressed me so much. Even though it was exhausting and tempting to give up, God pushed me to not stop moving until the end of the race (which of course I have not reached yet).

My 2019 is not as extravagant or controversially interesting as others’, but what I can say is that in those motivating experiences that happened in my year, I have earned a bigger faith in Him.

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

v. 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

v.7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

[stylesbicon]

complete transcript from the convo earlier (it got messy):

Mom: Hey [Deadname]! I read your post. Did this come from me wanting to share a devotion with you? I only do that with my seasoned Christian friends who get it, and live it authentically. Not the other way around.

Mom: I’m

Mom: Sorry that those things have happened to you. I’m guessing that country isn’t as accepting overall?

Mom: For some other times, perhaps you are feeling that things are ‘because’ of your gender look from people  that aren’t thinking that? Like the minority who thinks everything is because of their color, when it’s not at all. Or the woman who relates anything that happens to her because she’s a woman? I’m not saying it doesn’t happen on occasion from people when it certainly shouldn’t and does, yet it might not be on people’s mind as often as you might suppose?

Mom: Either way I’m

Mom: sorry your feelings are hurt.

Mom: I’ve always loved you for your heart and soul since before you were born, the outside package never mattered to me.

Me: Oh this country is very accepting actually!

Me: The only sucky people are family at home

Mom: What does that mean? Did something happen?

Me: No I’m just tired of the only people in the world who call me [Deadname] and treat me like a girl being my family because it doesn’t feel good and I’ve been waiting for a long time for it to stop

Me: So I realized… I don’t need to spend all that money if it’s gonna make me feel Bad about myself

Mom: How does it make you feel bad?

Mom: You told me I could call you that as like a middle name of yours

Mom: If it’s taken you 22 yrs to get used to the idea, we’ve only had 2. How would it be different now for you from before you left in Sept?

Me: But it’s the lack of an effort to try in any other way… like it’s been so long and the pronouns haven’t changed and that says to me it’s not important enough to you or you don’t “”“believe”“” me like… what if I always called you my dad?

Mom: If something was bothering you, why didn’t we talk about it instead of the FB rant? I’m sure anxiety will naturally build, as it gets closer

Me: Or that I had to share a room with my sister, that wasn’t great or understanding

Mom: Huh?Mom: You’re supposed to have your own room here?

Me: I’d hardly call it a rant. And every time I’ve tried to talk to you about it I’ve been shut down! Or invalidated. Like the time you told me I needed to see a psychiatrist because I wanted top surgery

Me: Would you make [brother] share a room with [sister] if he moved home?

Mom: What? I never said you needed to see one for anything other than the feelings you haven’t dealt with from the family breaking apart.

Me: I DEFINITELY remember that. Very clearly

Mom: I’ve always supported you when you were different your whole life.

Me: You said how it wasn’t right that I wanted to mutilate my body

Mom: Well, gender aside, that’s not right in any form, to hurt oneself.

Me: It’s surgery…. like. gender confirmation surgery

Mom: If I’m giving you grace on your choices then you need to give the same back.

Mom: Why is this a thing all of a sudden? We worked through this before?

Me: Because there’s been no change from you for two years

Me: At least try to talk to/about me differently?

Mom: I love you for you, not for your outside. We don’t have to agree on everything for me to love you accept you and support you.

Me: But it’s a big part of me and that’s the part that needs acceptance

Mom: I don’t know what you want from me. I’ve always loved and supported you.

Mom: I always will

Mom: Where did this come from? Did I say something specific? Or the decision to come home?

Me: I just want you to think about how maybe you don’t the way I want. I will try to make you a list of ideas and ways you can help, and better explain how I feelMe: yeah coming home

Mom: I’ve always asked you before or when introducing you which name I should use and you’ve said either so how is that not treating you respectfully?

Me: I appreciate that, but I’ve only said that because you seem so uncomfortable. And I don’t actually care about the name, but maybe introduce me as your son

Mom: I may never do things the way you want but that doesn’t mean I don’t accept you.

Me: (well I do care about the name, just not as much as the other stuff. I do think it’s a great name)

Mom: I can’t do that. No matter what you look like. And People will decide on their own.

Mom: It doesn’t mean at all that I don’t accept you

Me: That’s what that means to me

Mom: I’ve always accepted you

Me: and you’ve actually corrected people asking you if I’m your son. eventually people are gonna start thinking you’re crazy, especially after I’ve been on T a while

Me: I’ve waited to start T too because I knew it would make you uncomfortable, but that’s something else I can’t wait for

Mom: You say you are following what God told you, and I’ve accepted that and given you space. After much praying God told me to name you [Deadname] and that you were a girl. You

Mom: Feel He is telling differently now and OK.

Me: Right, That happened and it was meant to. And now it’s different

Mom: I hear you. But I also have to follow what God tells me. I’ve tried really hard to be supportive of you too.

Mom: What is T? Male hormone?

Mom: To do what to you?

Me: yeah testosterone

Me: you can Google the effects there are quite a few. I think it’s a good idea to research a lot of this

Mom: Yes it will make me uncomfortable but I still love you and accept you. I don’t have to agree with everything the same as you. You like foods I don’t like also, I’m sure, that’s OK. We have different opinions on many things. We still love each other.

Me: I’m still going to give you a list of things you could do to be supportive, just ideas, and I do want you to pray and research some things

Mom: And you pray for accepting that I don’t have to agree, I love you always. I also have to follow what God tells me too.

Mom: I’d rather you be in a healthy place emotionally (worked throughMom: past, broken family, Dad stuff) before you change your body. so you are confident that it is right for you. I want you happy.

Mom: I want you to be happy. And making a decision on anything long term from a healthy place. That’s why therapy suggestions. Clear out pain, baggage and go forward healthy, whatever you decide.

Me: I definitely made the decision a long time ago and every therapist I’ve seen agrees with me

Mom: I never tried to 'fix you’, change you, only to help you be the best you, you can be.

Mom: You said you decided two years ago?

Me: yeah

Mom: When your family broke up, your dad was introducing you to his girlfriend while married and younger brothers going off the deep end and me crying sporadically probably. I’m

Me: yeah so you guys getting divorced made me realize that my perfect idea of our family was already ruined and so me deciding to be my authentic self wouldn’t be the thing that did that

Me: from my point of view

Me: so it was kind of freeing

Mom: not saying it’s not the decision you’ll end at, just to make sure it the right one for you in a healthy emotional state. Same as I would if you were buying a house during that time or other major life decision.

Mom: Can you help me understand something?

Mom: If you are living who you believe God created you to be, and I believe you feel that, then live it. Be gay, don’t have children, dress as a man, if that’s who feel you are. By changing your body, the way God made you and intended you to be, how is that living who you are supposed to be? God doesn’t make mistakes in His creations. Maybe it’s being as you are now? Maybe it will give others the courage?

Me: well… God also didn’t give me 20/20 vision… but he did give us the tools to make my vision how he created it to be

Mom: But that’s the same as your chest wrap. Putting something on to adjust it.

Me: then think of it as Lasik. or braces.

Mom: It’s not cutting body parts off or altering them to be different. Braces move them around.

Me: I really don’t know how to make you understand

Mom: I’m trying to understand how that aligns with God’s creation. I’m struggling. I’ve protected your beautiful body all our lives, sometimes with my own, rocked it, held it, gave it medicine, found OT for it, kept it safe… to change it from how it’s made… that’s my struggle. To alter it to look like a cat would be the same, it’s not about a man, altering God’s design permanently.

Mom: Someone cutting my child’s body to change it… a momma’s heart can never comprehend. And my faith can’t either, because then it’s not living as God created you to be.

Me: Literally… breast tissue is being removed

Mom: I’m hurt that you seem to have believed that anytime I suggested you find a young adult ministry, bible study, church, or do a devotion that all you saw was about your gender choices. What? It was about your faith growing and the preace, support and prayers one gets from that fellowship. I suggested it because you have a strong faith, as I do, and can grow your faith and share it with others. I never thought to change you, fix you, or had any thought of gender whatever. How could you ever think that of me?

Me: And the other stuff? My body doesn’t make enough of a certain type of chemical so I’d be taking it artificially… just like my anxiety meds

Me: that had nothing to do with it

Mom: What had nothing to do?

Me: what you said about going to church and stuff? that has nothing to do with anything

Mom: Your FB post

Me: yeah that has nothing to do with what you said

Mom: Why didn’t you ever voice your feelings and talk about it, and hear my intent. Even earlier today. We had a good conversation. It’s like you don’t know me if you think I judge you. I’ve always accepted and loved you as you are. I always will. When have I not?

Me: I’ve told you, I get shut down every time I try and you don’t even realize it. It’s exhausting.

Mom: How do I shut you down? Example?

Me: And I’m really sick of hearing about how you accept and love me when I’ve seen no proof of that, especially with the criticism i JUST got from you for wanting to transition

Mom: I never criticized. I’m trying to understand and have a conversation about it now.

Mom: How was any of sharing my feelings criticizing yours?

Me: you’re saying hateful things all the time when I try to bring up discussion points. like “hey some people blablabla” “Well SOME people are crazy and don’t follow God”

Mom: Example?

Me: the comparison to wanting to change my body to look like a cat is a pretty good example

Me: I’m looking for examples right now

Mom: Oh cmon. That meant it’s NOT about gender

Mom: Let’s not change the meaning and pull things out of context

Mom: I’m truly trying to discuss it

Mom: How has anything been hateful??

Mom: Hateful or criticizing? How can you say that? “And I’m really sick of hearing about you accept and love me when I’ve seen no proof of that” Are you kidding? I’ve been your biggest cheerleader your whole life! You know that

Me: I just want you to think about that

Mom: Sharing my feelings or disagreeing isn’t shutting you down, it’s discussing. Communicating.

Mom: About what?

Me: About those questions. about how I might think you haven’t been supportive

Mom: Disagreeing doesn’t mean I don’t love and support you

Mom: I actually am trying to understand since we have different viewpoints. Did you try to understand my feelings? My viewpoint?

Mom: We have talked all this through and worked it out two years ago. Why do this now? And I was supportive and have been, and asked you how you preferred things etc.

Me: youre the most important person in my life and I haven’t been able to be myself around you for such a long time because I’ve been thinking for so long about how YOU feel and not making YOU uncomfortable and meeting you halfway, but at the end of the day my biggest mistake in this whole thing has been trying to care about other people’s feelings. I do understand your viewpoint because it was mine for so long. The difference is I got educated and ever time I try to teach you, you reject it. Like the time I tried to send you actual academic articles and you rejected them because they “weren��t written by Christians”(????) So no we never talked through all of it, I heard your piece and stayed quiet because I didn’t want to change my relationship with you. But the lack of support has been damaging and draining and I don’t care at all about your “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” stuff because you can’t just support the inside of a person. So until you can be like “This is my son Chris” and BELIEVE it and not be embarrassed about it, I don’t feel supported. You can’t pick and choose. And my whole point for doing all this now? Is that I’m not going to be spending thousands of dollars to come home just to be treated the same terrible way.

[paraclete0407]

['And I Will Give You Rest]

- ‘People determined to keep their inner lives’

- 'All Milwaukee started to hunker down for or toward Delta'

- 'The magic of Half Price Books was gone but so were the racists'

- 'The visions of turkeys - "appreciate me," their insouciant defiance"

- '"Hyper moron" meaning sth approximating to "going too far"'

- 'That the few things which had caught his eye in past were still the things which counted in his heart, ghosts or otherwise.  The strange sermon from Christ Church about ghosts not being alive but a love nevertheless but what was that supposed to mean?  Magdalen took the Risen Lord for a ghost in the garden but was that just my self-aggrandizing-Christ-Complex-ing retort to a pinpoint criticism of my trivial existence?  Moreover were my demons gone or were they battling each other more than ever ‘Parliament of Devils / Fallens Angels’-style out of Paradise Lost or one vice / sin trying to compensate or counter-balance for another and if so & there again was Putin going to nuke Milwaukee just to put an end to the push-me-pull-you I-know-ha-ha know-you-are-but-what-am-I I-have-heart-failure-meaning-you-have-heart-failure Shadowplay Mirror Stage monstrosity and abandonment?

 - 'They were trying to get life right for the first time for the first time in a long time, and for a time he ventured in to or in any event towards a space "beyond irony" in which he had a positive or living wish and could perhaps meet someone new.  He wasn't keeping secrets or rather was not centrally defined by these secrets, by his past.  JEP had quoted inadvertently or otherwise from 'The Great Gatsby' as did General Mattis although it was hard to tell if either of them understood the part about young men's personal testimonies being marred by redactions or self-censorship.  His mother had quoted from Got saying that winter was coming; Shanghai-1 had quoted from Confucius saying, 'I hope that my future child will not hesitate to abandon [sex]'s faults.'  I was working on 'My First Major Mistake' and postponing or 'bracketing' my 'little stories' about amatory failure.  At the height of the self or self-system a 'Sospira' happened - a flight up of sighing or prayer in which borrowed or received - rather inherited or patrimonial words came to override accustomed 'messaging.'  Future King Edgar said, 'Speak what we feel / not what we ought to say,' but I'd been trying for basically a decade to say what was right to say, spurred or overdetermined by Colossians 4:6.  I was disappointed by the 'genocide-monkeys' on Amazon.com who hawked General Mattis memorabilia as though the conscientious leader of men (boys / lads) and female youths as well had been an exponent of massacre for massacre's sake like the Call of Duty game in which they mowed down airport-travelers in order to ingratiate themselves with Russian terrorists.  But I didn't think the children of tomorrow wanted spies or infiltrations and my 'John le Carre / J. Alfred Prufrock Jr.' hyper-fanfictions were only theoretical invetsment-options; what they wanted were literal "Spaceships to Venus" whilst I had long since contented myself with IZ*ONE's "Spaceship" and pictures of tender shadows covering journeyers in airports.  "Our Souls at Night" was fundamentally about failures, vanities, cruel reversals, 'Harvests of Sorrow,' lingering bemusements of schooling as well - the man perhaps feeling at life's end pace Augustine 'one's body is one's wife,' that he had no other flesh.. Why had I told myself that love-stories like "A Walk To Remember" were less toxic than my premarital-but-expecting-practically-predestined-to-get-married military counter-terrorism fictions in which people acted ethically almost 100% of the time instead of comporting themselves as 'principle monkeys,' who'd said in their hearts, 'I have to do this; I do this - therefore, I rain chaos and "War without Mercy" on everything and everyone else & why would I follow one rule unless to blow apart another.'   My ex-boss had said, 'What do couples talk about?'  IT's your kids stupid!  Except Jewish couples talked about non-Jews - everyone were tribal hacks going Gr. "hyper moron."  But, with him and her, I had had an atheist's heart and an 'expressive-individualist-Milleniial-complaint-self-consciousness-JZM-O-Sole-Mio-CCP-revenge-Faustian-Pact-monkey''s tongue.'  Atheism, Satanism, demon-summons + infections, metatstatic death-cult Scientism, blasphemy of Spirit, sons and daughter of destruction.  B. and I had kept quoting Moshe Rabbenu, 'Heaven and Earth as witnesses AGAINST you - that ye shall surely die!'  And they totally massively desperately loved Mao; adored 'Parasite,' - an ecstatic orgasmic rapturous 'yes' to WW3  

'A Final Love'

'That do'st prefer the upright heart and pure... sing Heav’nly Muse' - and I remembered Penn Station New York in view of CS Lewis on 'Home' - the angel said, 'Divide, divide, divide' - I wanted to abandon PhiEd and attempts to change some minds forever; my own heart was here with a dream of there.  [German submachinegun] made me feel secure but in this apostolic-revelatory new century the naked or dove-silvered dreamers hesitate through fraught cold forests searching for an Eastern Empire & I remembered 'Crowns of Glory,' wanting to be the First Gentleman of the United States by 2056.  Tender shadows + the pleasure of helping people like the pleasure of thinking that you know the truth.  We consecrate sometimes and sometimes merely symbolize or indicate or theorize; 'maybe mine.'  

I am crossing the bridge - the mountain-divide - Chinese rocket with the guy-wire 'That's not even it' - the Gothic spire went straight up; was I tempting God like 'Paradise Regained?' - the little children had moved me to simplify my language then I happened across 'may reticulate "nay come on take the chance of anger..'"  I discussed the anguish of King Hezekiah and forgot again; I canceled my parents, fathered my brother.  Isaiah 38:15.  Shadows in Madison WI and a dream of 2 angels over mountain; Uchida Mitsuko's D-960, sobbing, ‘why already do I have to die; have I taken the Westward path; why did I ot get married; why did I not move out; why am I still writing music instead of living a life of love in material and physical and marital and domestic and all other respects?’  His anguish in a distant way I see now is like that of Cui Jian in ‘Yi wuo suo yo’ - ‘I have nothing.’  At the moment of peak creativity or ‘spiritual productive power’ he confronted the end of his life on this Earth, rather than the lodestone or seed of a future which would allow him to ‘make it big.’

I had left behind sacred professions esp. jurisprudence; possibly because my underlying vocation had been for the priesthood or at least my most basic identity was Christian and I had attempted to bypass this, preoccupied with ‘getting established,’ as if one had to be a man in full before making the simplest purest decision.  

I imagined eating bread with honey and an egg for breakfast at Memorial Union and then studying all day but I could not determine my mind to be filled with the details of the legal code instead of bringing forth something out of myself or in the end succeeding as a writer.  My experiences at law school orientations had been discouraging; I had no idea what my prospective future classmates really stood for or meant by their words or ‘speech-acts’ except that they were utterly intent on making much of themselves and their lives or their time on this Earth; they seemed to be ‘capering; jet-set kiddies.’  A Dept. of State spouse seemed to brag or revel in her international experience / exposure.  I met a Korean who was married to a Japanese and who had experienced a stroke at a comparatively young age (due, I can only infer in retrospect and after 11 years, to extreme militation of one soul or spirit against another); I perceived that his habit of telling the same story to everyone he met might have been unconscious, as if he kept forgetting that he already said or had lost track of the fact that he was being artificial.  After receiving the first and the second Pfizer jabs I started to perceive the blood in my own brain and several times became severely concerned of an impending stroke or other failure of the circulatory system.  I worried too that fasting had thinned my skull and rendered my brain over-sensitive to external electric fields.

We talked for a little while and walked out in the night together; it was a sacred experience; however, I had no expectation we would really become friends or meet again.

I had read 'The Executioner's Song' and seen 'Michael Clayton' about getting out of Milwaukee and pure blonde Charity-receptive girls of 2007 seemed to be gone though I could've made some listen in '16...

[eirenare]

FFXII: The Zodiac Age — I finished it in New Year’s Eve, and...

... and, gods, my feels. 

MY FEELS.

*screams into the void*

Feels-y demonic wall of text below “read more” because it’s not going to be spoiler-free at all.

[NOTE: the edition of the post is done! Changes made: corrected writing mistakes, highlighted words properly to make the text easier to read, and added some new text.]

First of all, I have to say I haven’t completed the game. I’m not close to it, I still have Espers to collect, preys to hunt, side missions to beat... but I just wanted SO badly to finish the story of the game.

I had accidentally spoiled myself of some things of the ending beforehand, and I have to say, I thought things would be predictable... I’m glad I was wrong because, even if I knew some things were going to happen, it wasn’t everything at all.

The ending is... quite impressive.

The first time I saw the Bahamut, FUCK, it was SCARY. All that mist and smoke around it, how humongous that airship was... Damn. Well, when the mist and smoke is no more he’s not that much scary, but it’s still SO impossing. I love its design.

I have to say I expected the Bahamut to be more maze-like, to be more complicated a dungeon that in reality was. In that sense, it was a bit of a letdown, because I expected more in that sense. But still, the design of the place was cool, and dealing with the runic/magic bishops was a bit of a hell (a welcomed one once I realized the place was little, though).

Seeing the Bahamut fire, by the way, that’s IMPRESSIVE. The battle between the two armies, and seeing Ondore in CG, man... I LOVED IT. I was agape at the battle scenes, and there were a lot of scenes in general, in this last part of the game, something I enjoyed very much.

Vaan faking to be Larsa was genius! To be honest, I thought it was weird that Larsa would let these mistakes slip, but I didn’t remember the device that changed the voices omg. 

I loved that moment of “you have good friends”. It was SO heartwarming...! 💛 Vaan and Penelo are such sweethearts, damn. I want to hug them.

I also love and respect just how brave Larsa is. He’s but a kid, but he’s so pure and so courageous. I love him, really. He’s gold. Opposing someone like Vayne, that’s his brother as well, just adds bonus points. Larsa’s going to go far.

Gabranth... Ouh.

You see, I knew beforehand that he was going to die, and that Basch was going to take his place, and I heard something about Gabranth being stabbed, about him protecting Larsa, but I didn’t know the context ot anything. Although not knowing the context was a relief, it took part of the drama of the ending, which is sad.

But well, continuing on...

Gabranth, my boy. Gods, he just WANTS so badly to hate Basch. I mean, I’m sure there’s a part of him that’s really bitter about him, but I think the hate he’s spat like venom is just... him TRYING to hate his brother. To have a reason to go on, to not give in to sorrow. I don’t know the exact details of what happened in their past (maybe the manga shows it, or talks about it with more detail? I have to check it), but man... THE PAIN. I can understand why Gabranth would feel like that. 

And Basch... Basch is so pure. Oh my goodness, is there even any trace of hate within him? His brother RUINED his life and his country, put in serious danger other people and killed many, yet he believes his brother can be saved and return to who he once was. Man... I love Basch with every fiber of my being. He’s the best thing ever to exist.

The talk between Basch and Gabranth is so angsty... I liked it a lot. Although, to be honest, the combat didn’t last long in my case. 

[ADDITION EDIT: I’ve checked about Gabranth and Basch’s past just recently in the Wikia, and... Oh my goodness... That’s such a difficult situation to be in, for both twins. Such brutally heavy sorrow and guilt in both of them...

For what it seems, during the invasion of Landis 19 years ago Basch took the decision to flee to Dalmasca to serve in the military, leaving his brother and his mother (who was sick) behind. No mentions of their father, which means he either died or abandoned them. Gabranth moved with his mother to Archadia (her homeland), and it seems that “Gabranth” was the woman’s surname, which he took as his new name. He entered the military, like his brother... But Basch didn’t know about this, and he thought them either dead or enslaved to the Empire after Landis fell.

No wonder why the brothers (a detail: Basch was the older twin, something that’s mentioned in the Japanese version but not in the English one) focused on their militar careers. Their only ways to cope with all this were (asides from that), in Gabranth’s case, to redirect his hate and blame to Basch, and in Basch’s case, to devote himself wholly to serve and protect his new country and its royal family.

Heartbreaking story, no doubt... Big pity that we don’t get to know the details during the game and that this data comes from other sources.]

When Vayne and Ashe finally confront... Oh man, I’m SO proud of Ashe. She’s come a long way from hate and a desire from revenge, and that’s some serious progress. I liked that exchange, when Vayne asked her about who she is, and she just said “she’s herself, nothing more and nothing less”. That’s my badass queen-to-be!

And Larsa, again, showed serious balls when he just picked up his sword and stood against his brother.

It caught me by surprise, by the way, that Vayne would fight with fists and legs, rather than with swords or any other weapon, at first. The kicks he did were pretty cool.

What wasn’t very cool to me, however, was the design o Neo Vayne. I mean... Well, he’s imposing, and the swords swirling around him and obeying his every whim, along with the cool special attacks he performed, where quite the sight... but then I looked at his very own design, an I was a bit disappointed, like, I didn’t like it much, since more than imposing, he really just looked like a mountain of muscles. I really hoped that wasn’t his only transformation because, as much as it took me a bit to take him down, he wasn’t that much scary to deal with.

Gods... When Larsa got electrocuted, well, because I knew he would still be alive, but if I didn’t know? I would have suffered for my beautiful child there, I’m sure. And still it hurt to see the poor guy fall. 

When Gabranth appeared and turned his back on Vayne, damn. What a man Noah is. I love that he’s SO loyal to Larsa, that he wants to protect him at all costs, it’s endearing. I mean, you can tell from time ago that he isn’t protecting him just because he’s the future of their country, but because he CARES for Larsa as much as Drace did. 

[ADDITION EDIT: not to forget that Drace had been Larsa’s mentor, and that Larsa had been put under Noah’s charge... But seriously, poor kid, he lost SO much people he loved. His mother, his other 2 older brothers, his father, Drace, Vayne, and now Gabranth... So much tragedies in this game (and I didn’t know this until today, but it seems that Ashe had 8 older brothers and they all died either because of the war or from illness, omg).]

A moment I loved and whose screenshot I want to have as my PC’s background is when Noah’s helmet breaks and you can see half his face, his expression, his determination. That was SO stunning, damn. It hurt, though, when you see him get hurt so much for protecting the young lord...

And, again, Larsa showed himself swift in thought and ballsy and, with a smug expression, he just stopped Vayne from murdering Noah and Basch by using the same artificial nethicite that his brother had used on himself. Oh, the irony. Liked this twist a lot. 

"Is he a good master?”

“Yes, he is”.

I LOVED THIS. Noah just went full proud older brother (or father, even?) with Larsa. He loves this kid a lot, and that’s endearing and makes me crave hard to know and see more about their relationship. 

[ADDITION EDIT: I edited Noah’s phrase because it seems I either didn’t read it well or didn’t remember it well, but still, even corrected, I think it has that sense of pride for Larsa... And I would say it has as well a feeling of Noah being like, well... searching for validation of his choice?]

Oh, and Basch so protective around his brother when he’s on the ground... My feels. 

Vayne is interesting, because he REALLY thought he was doing the best for his country, and for the world itself. He REALLY believed that fear was the way to rule, that any means were justified for his goals. And, well, if his older brothers’ deaths happened before Venat appeared in his life and Cid’s, I wonder just how much it was Vayne’s mentality a result of Archadia’s life... I mean, he may be a noble, but heck, that’s even worse, given the fact that the Senate is there, and there’s conspiracies, and war. I would say Archadia influenced him to be how he is now, but the thing is, on how much quantity...?

And Venat.

Venat, who appeared from nowhere, whose motivation to turn her back to the other Occuria we know not exactly... I mean, sure, she gave the man the knowledge to create the artificial nethicite and so on, but WHY? 

[ADDITION EDIT: maybe I’m just reading too much and Venat just really wanted to give back the reins of history to the hands of men, though. But still, something HAD to trigger that... And I would have loved to know about it.]

It’s kind of interesting, though, that she looks genuinely attached to both Cid and Vayne, all the more Cid. It’s not like she’s using them, no, they all have a kind of a symbiotic relantionship that I think it’s quite unexpected. I mean, how many times have gods manipulated humans in stories? It’s something that often happens, yet this time it took a good twist. Venat is different, for what it seems; for some reason, she seems to have developed a bond with these humans whose lives are shorter than a sigh compared to an Occurian’s immortality.

[ADDITION EDIT: it’s kind of interesting, too, that Vayne and Cid really seem to regard each other as close friends, given their interactions and that even Vayne remembered him at the end (although I wonder if he knew about Cid wanting to become something akin to a god).]

I would love to know more about Venat and the Occuria, about Vayne, and so I’m hoping that the manga provides more insight, because I think the relationship between Vayne, Cid and Venat is fascinating.

[ADDITION EDIT: something I haven’t mentioned is the relationship between Vayne and Larsa... As much as Vayne has done so much wrong in all of his life, the way he seems to feel for Larsa is quite interesting.

I mean, at first I really thought he cherished his little brother, but as soon as I found out just some things he did I thought “oh my god he’s going to try to kill him”... Yet he didn’t. In fact, he really did what Emperor Gramis wanted and asked for to both Vayne and Noah: to not let Larsa stain his hands in blood.

I wonder if Vayne would have attempted to assassinate Larsa, though, if the kid had been chosen as Emperor... I think he wouldn’t have tried, in all honesty, but that instead he would have tried to influence him a lot and continue staining his hands so that his brother wouldn’t. The thing is, I’m a bit confused about that part when Larsa gets electrocuted... Was it accidental, or...?]

But well, going back to the action...

I like that moment when Vaan is stopped from chasing Vayne just because Venat shows herself in front of the boy’s sight. Venat does nothing, she just... stares, and buys Vayne time. Must be a bit of scary, having such a creature looking right at you like that.

I liked that conversation between Venat and Vayne and OH GOD THAT TRANSFORMATION. Now THAT is what I was waiting for, and not just Vayne on steroids! He looks AMAZING, like a mechanic version of the summon Bahamut! That design is something I loved, and it gave me goosebumps the sequence when the metal adheres to him to give him this appearence. 

The battle was a bit long, but apart from a scare or two that involved his most powerful attacks (the animations are SO GOOD), I could take him with not much problems, just giving it time. 

I loved this all.

And, gods, when you defeat Vayne... That was so relieving. Like, you see the guys looking at the sky, all relaxed, thinking “it’s all over now”. And you see Balthier and Fran doing that cute gesture with their fists, you see them all smiling, Basch looking at Ashe from behind, smiling...

It was so peaceful.

... Well, nevermind, though, the moment lasted so little. 

It managed to make me nervous the fact that, even if I did know who would die and who wouldn’t, the Strahl couldn’t fly. Balthier and Fran have some serious balls and they’re SO amazing. 

[ADDITION EDIT: Balthier is just such a smooth badass. I loved that interaction between him and Fran when he carries her...! I ship them a lot by the way, they’re too amazing together to my eyes ♥]

Between the scene of Noah dying, and Ashe screaming Balthier’s name in despair to the device as he carries Fran in his arms (because, yes, in Japanese Ashe literally screams his name, while in English it’s toned down so much it hurts)...

Ah, man, the feels. 

To be honest, I see Ashe and Balthier more like very good friends, like, the kind of friend that knows all your shit because he tells his too? BROTP could be said, I guess? I see them like that, although I totally understand why a lot of people ships them.

About Noah... Gods, he seemed to go in peace and I liked so much that, if he had to go, he would go like that. It wouldn’t have been a good thing if he left the world full of hate (not just because of that fact itself, but because well, you know... Remember some of the hateful spirits you’ve sometimes fought? Exactly). The scene when he’s dying, with Basch is clinging to his dear brother like a lifeline with such pain, and Larsa looking so sad... Gods, it’s heartbreaking, they’re all in such sorrow. It gets even more sad when Larsa takes Noah’s hand between his, knowing it’ll be over soon.

It’s killing if you imagine Larsa could have had Noah around him for ALL of his life. I mean, imagine it... It wouldn’t be only that Basch had with Noah always, but Larsa would have been all of his own life with him around as well. And for Basch it would have been difficult as hell to deal with this, but Larsa? Larsa’s is just a kid... Still, even if he’s so little, he really is courageous and doesn’t crumble in front of Noah, which is what Basch is somehow managing to do as well. Noah didn’t deserve to die...

[ADDITION EDIT: I’ve been thinking about it, and... gods, just how much disturbing must be to see your own twin die? It probably must feel like... watching youself die...?]

And I have to say that I understand the motivation behind asking Basch to take care of Larsa, but... Again, Basch “The Martyr”. Again, his life is taken from him. His homeland, Landis? Destroyed. His life on Dalmasca? Taken. And now, his possibility of a future in which he can be free. It’s heartbreaking. All the more because Basch is such a pure soul... 

But well, the good thing is that he would have Larsa by his side, and Larsa would have him, and they seem like they could be very good friends, which is a relief. 

I still have to play Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings though (I’ll start soon becaue I want badly to play it), so I don’t know how things will be, but I know they could find comfort in one another in their kinda-fucked-up (in different degrees) lives.

I loved how the ending was portrayed, with a letter from Penelo (who looks absolutely gorgeous and amazing, by the way), showing that life goes on even if things didn’t quite end up in a happy ending (Ashe becoming distant and more lonely because of her position, Basch forced to sacrifice his freedom and more years of his life to take care of Larsa...).

The moment “Kiss me goodbye” started playing, I cried. I didn’t cry as much as I could have done a while ago (because it seems as if I’m kind of losing that “crybaby” side of me, or getting a bit “numb”), but I cried, and gods... I couldn’t stop grinning, and I continued doing so until the end.

I also think that seeing Rabanastre getting restored was amazing and precious.

Oh, and the Bahamut looks beautiful with the plants overrunning it, like a huge tower~

The thing is, the fact that Balthier and Fran were alive I knew, but if I didn’t, I’m pretty sure would have cried a lot more (which I think I would have done as well with the scenes of them at the Bahamut and Noah). I loved that Balthier gave Ashe her ring back, and that they “stole” the Strahl. That was a genius comeback.

But what probably made me all the more happy was the part of Penelo’s letter that involved Basch, and that Larsa, wearing that smug expression, gave it to Basch so that he himself could read it. 

So Penelo asks how is Basch, and then literally prays that he can return soon to Rabanastre... AND TO ASHE. Oh, dear... But that’s not everything, no, no... Penelo says that and THEN she says (if I recall well) that Ashe wouldn’t be able to say it given the situation, but Penelo thinks she misses Basch.

OH GODS. FINISH ME.

Finish me, because I ship Basch and Ashe so much...! I just can help but love them, they’re precious to me and I cherish their pairing a lot 💛 But well, going back to what I was saying...

It’s obvious that Ashe misses her friends, but the way Penelo just worded that part of the letter... OMG. I mean, the way Penelo talked about the matter screamed that there was something going on, and the fact that Larsa gives that smug expression to Basch while giving him the letter, and then giving him space to read it?

There’s a lot implied there, and not only by words, but by gestures (*).

I feel that it is, as minimum, a confirmation that at least from Basch there’s more than duty and friendship for what he feels for Ashe. I thought I felt some of that coming from him, but this just looks like plain confirmation.

But still, even if it wouldn’t imply a romantic relationship, it would still be endearing. I mean, Ashe. Ashe, missing Basch. I wonder just how much closer were to each other before the events of the game, or during the game, since they traveled a lot. And by foot mostly, which makes the group spend a good amount of time together (I tried to make some calculations and, hold your horses... it probably takes like 1 week to reach Mt Bur-Omisace from Rabanastre), and thus, a lot of untold scenes could have taken place with the group, and between Basch and Ashe.

What can I say... This ending was so AMAZING and beautiful...! I loved it so much! 💛💛💛

[ADDITION EDIT: omg, that scene with Vaan giving a piggyback ride to Penelo. That was SO cute. I loved it, all the more because I ship them~]

Oh, and I almost forgot it, but... THE CREDITS, OH MY GOODNESS. That was a cuteness overload! Basch and Noah when they were younger; little Ashe embracing a chocobo (I saw that image some time ago and I thought it was just a very well done fanart, but I wished it was official — In the end it was, which is funny); Fran, Mjrn and Jote together; Cid with baby Balthier (I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING); Fran and Basch in such a cute/funny pose... Not to mention other stunning artworks, but these were ones I’ve never seen before, and that was fantastic to watch! 

Without a doubt, Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age has taken its place at my TOP 3 Final Fantasy games (but that’s a matter for another different time maybe).

Now, I guess I’ll just combine doing what I have left to do in FFXII with playing FFXII: Revenant Wings then~

I’m so excited to see what happens in the sequel...! 💛

(*) Gods, this game is FULL of body language and gestures that tell so much. I would love to analyze that aspect as much as I can, one day.

P.D.: I really hope I’m not forgetting to mention anything right now, but well, if I did, I’ll just add it later in a new paragraph. Although I think I hadn’t forgotten a thing, though.

[roguewn]

The Mindfuck Awakens

Ok, I'm officially mind-fucked.

First of all, this article reveals???? so??? much??? They basically confirmed all of our theories.  Like either Disney doesn't care about spoilers anymore or what they're revealing is actually just 1% of what actually happens in the movie, and given that they basically revealed the whole of Luke's storyline and a huge part of Rey's... WHAT MORE THERE IS TO KNOW??? This question is fucking me up.

What we can get from the article about Rey and Luke is that:

•  as predicted, Luke has no intention to fight anymore and is much darker than we remembered •  this decision has a lot, or everything to do with Ben (we're still not sure if he actually killed the padawans or not, but his simply turning to the Dark Side would be enough to justify Luke's decision) •  WE'RE ONCE AGAIN CAUGHT UP IN THE OMINOUS SPYRAL OF THE 'CHOSEN ONE'. I can't believe we're in this shit again and I can't believe Ben's storyline actually resembles so much that of Anakin. A boy who was put so much weight on his shoulders, only to find out he's been lied to and betrayed all his life. FUCK ME UP. •  Luke pushes Rey away. LUKE PUSHES REY AWAY. And Daisy said Rey is not there to become a hero, just to bring him back. This means that either she eventually convinces him to train her, or she trains on her own or in some other way. Because clearly if Luke doesn't want her there, why would he train her to become a Jedi? He doesn't even believe in the Jedi anymore at this point! •  We're probably gonna get deeper into Rey's issues, as stated here:

“Luke definitely does not give Rey the warm welcome he received when he went in search of Alec Guinness’ Ben Kenobi in 1977’s original Star Wars. She is warned. She is given an explanation. Nevertheless … “She’s so hopeful to everything,” Ridley says. “And obviously there’s a hint of, ‘What the hell?’”

This rejection hits Rey’s abandonment issues. Hard.”

Can you hear my heart breaking? Rey was already an abandoned child, imagine how hurt she must be when she finds the one person after Han Solo that she might look up to as a fatherly figure, only to see this man doesn't want her around.

•  Talking about Rey's family... 

“I don’t think one girl, who he doesn’t know, turning up with a lightsaber is gonna make him go, ‘Oh, s—, yeah, of course I’ll get back into the action,’” Ridley says.

“But does he not know her?” Hamill says in his separate interview.

That’s a question Star Wars fans have been debating for two years. Soon they’ll learn the answer.

A big part of Rey’s future will be uncovering her own past: Who is connected to her? Where did she come from? And why was she cast away?

As she tries to pick up her own pieces, she may find they fit together well with the remnants of Luke Skywalker. Working together, they may become whole again.”

Now, I know what some people might be thinking. “REY SKYWALKER IS ALIVE!!”... but I truly don't think so. First of all, there's the whole issue of “why did Luke leave his child alone to die on a desert planet if HE KNEW she was there?” So my theory is that Luke might know Rey, but it's from other sources. And I have two options in mind: -- Ben had visions of her since he was a child, therefore Luke recognizes in Rey the girl Ben has told him about. -- Luke knew Rey's parents. Maybe he didn't know who Rey was when he first met her on Ach-To, but then as they talk and grow somehow closer, he realizes the girl is the daughter/nephew of someone he knows. And given the line “she may find they fit together well with the remnants of Luke Skywalker”, my guess is that Rey's parents really are Kenobis. Maybe not Obiwan himself, but someone from his unknown family. 

Think about it: the remnants of Luke Skywalker. Clearly a reference to the old Luke, the OT Luke. Aka the Luke who was trained by Obiwan Kenobi, who looked up to him and wanted to be like him (“I think he probably looks out on the horizon and wishes that he could be more effective, could be what Obi-Wan wanted him to be”). If Rey were a Kenobi, not only this trilogy would end with a Skywalker (actually two Skywalkers, but Rey's main antagonist is Kylo, always) and a Kenobi, but maybe through her, Luke might find a bit of his old self again, a bit of what Obiwan taught him, a bit of what Obiwan wanted him to be and believed that he could be. I don't think there would be a more beautiful connection. 

As someone said, it's time for a Skywalker to help a Kenobi, but it's also true that it's always the other way around in Star Wars and therefore, it would be amazing if this time, the help wasn't one-sided, but mutual.

__________________________________________________________________

(follow-up about Rey and Kylo’s relationship)

[davevoetberg]

Let Me Die With The Phillistines!: The Aroma of Christ in The Life of Samson

The title of this article may strike some as odd being that Samson is one of those Old Testament characters that we typically think of as someone who almost never got it right. Could there really be a glimpse of the Saviour in the life of a man like Samson? (Despite his many weaknesses and sins, the book of Hebrews holds him up as an example of faith in the Lord). I don’t think typological events & characters in Scripture require that there be 100% correspondence & overlap in the foreshadowing that is taking place. If that were the case, would Christ have connected Jonah’s sojourn in the belly of the fish with his own burial in the heart of earth? These three-day three-night excursions happened for two very different reasons. Jonah was running from God in disobedience. But Christ was obediently carrying out the will his Father sent him to accomplish. Correspondence in biblical typology doesn’t require exact carry over on every level. Being that Jesus is supreme over all human beings, shadows of His person & work in the OT will necessarily break down on one level or another. We may even say that this is part of the function of biblical foreshadowing/typology when it comes to biblical characters who point forward to Jesus. They serve their function & do their job as they point forward to the greater & more supreme Someone. Where these OT biblical characters fall short & leave much to be desired, Christ fills in every gap & makes up abundantly for every lack. They whet our appetite, but He is the true hero of the Bible story. In light of the above argument, I believe Samson plays the part of a Christ-like figure in the Old Testament drama of Judges 13-16. But Samson, like John the Baptist, is not The Christ. Though Samson himself was a little savior in Israel, a miniature, he himself needed to be died for by the Messiah he foreshadowed in this Old Testament narrative. 

After the death of Joshua & the people of Israel he had led into the land promised to Abraham, Isaac & Jacob, we see the next generation’s failure to stay true to Yahweh in the book of Judges. They aside from the living God to worship lifeless idols. Judgment for their sin comes upon them through the means of enemy nations who rise up against them & rule over them. But Yahweh is merciful to Israel and, time after time, He raises up a deliverer to rescue them. There is a recurring cycle in the book of Judges that follows this general pattern:

1. Israel rebels against Yahweh 2. Enemy raised up in opposition against Israel 3. Israel cries out for help 4. Saviour raised up to deliver Israel from enemy

If we listen closely, I believe this pattern repeatedly found in the book of Judges provides us with echoes of God's prophetic declarations found in Genesis 3:15. “I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel.” God’s prophetic promise here comes subsequent to Adam & Eve’s disobedience to God in The Garden. This disobedience in Eden corresponds with point one mentioned above (Israel rebels against Yahweh in the Promised Land). The Lord then says that He will put enmity between Eve’s offspring & Satan’s offspring (here in Judges, Israel corporately plays the role of Eve’s seed, while their enemies represent Satan’s seed). There is correspondence here with point two listed above. This friction is felt as Israel is dominated by surrounding Gentile nations. And lastly, God declares that the offspring of the woman would crush the head of the Serpent. This prophetic word corresponds with the numerous little saviours (or little seeds) being raised up for Israel’s deliverance, as mentioned above in point 4.

Some of the accounts in Judges that give us a picture of the pattern spoken of above take up more space & cover more detail, others less. But once we get to chapter 13, the author slows down to zoom in on the man Samson and almost 20% of the book of Judges is dedicated to recounting various events in his life & death as a ruler in Israel (As a side note, no mention is made of Israel crying out to Yahweh for help in this case). Samson, as a believer in Yahweh, was counted among Eve's descendants who were caught up in the ongoing battle against Satan & his offspring (here, the Philistines). God worked mini victories over the Philistines through the man that anticipate the capital-V Victory to be revealed in the future coming of God’s Son into the world. Below are 5 events from Samson's life (& death) that, when taken collectively, serve to show us a reflection of the coming Saviour & Deliverer, The Lord Jesus Christ.

1.) Angel appearance bringing announcement of miraculous conception.

"There was a certain man of Zorah, of the tribe of the Danites, whose name was Manoah. And his wife was barren and had no children. And the angel of the LORD appeared to the woman and said to her, "Behold, you are barren and have not borne children, but you shall conceive and bear a son. (Judges 13:2-3)

"And the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus."....And Mary said to the angel, "How will this be, since I am a virgin?"And the angel answered her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy-the Son of God. (Luke 1:30-31, 34-35) Both Manoah's wife & Mary were in similar predicaments concerning having children. Though the nature of their situations were different, child-bearing was beyond the realm of possibility for both of them previous to The Lord's miraculous intervention. Manoah's wife was barren. Mary was a virgin. Conception was not an option or a possibility, humanly-speaking. But what is impossible with man is possible with God. An angelic messenger came to deliver the good news of these miraculous conceptions to both women. The words spoken to them bear a similar resemblance: “Behold... you shall conceive and bear a son.”(Judges 13) “Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son." (Luke 1) The news of these miraculous conceptions delivered by the angels also included references to the roles these sons would fill in Israel, which leads us to the second point of connection between Samson & Christ. 2.) Son to be born would be Saviour of Israel

"For behold, you shall conceive and bear a son...he shall begin to save Israel from the hand of the Philistines." (Judges 13:5)

"She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins." (Matthew 1:21) Samson participated in a small-scale rehearsal of the salvation event that the future Messiah would accomplish on the big screen of the universe. Samson  crushed the heads of some of the Serpent's offspring & thereby saved God’s people from the oppression of the enemy for a time. But Jesus Christ would later "save to the uttermost" his people who were under the wrath of God & chained by Satan's shackles in slavery to sin & death. Christ would substitutionally bear the iniquity & punishment of His people & deliver the decisive death blow to The Ancient Serpent upon Calvary, which will ultimately lead to his eternal ruin as described in Revelation 20. Samson is an echo of the future Conqueror who would save both Samson & all of God’s children throughout history. 3.) Delivered up by fellow countrymen into the hands of Gentiles

"And they (men of Judah) said to him, "We have come down to bind you, that we may give you into the hands of the Philistines.”...So they bound him with two new ropes and brought him up from the rock. (Judges 15:12-13) “See, we are going up to Jerusalem. And the Son of Man will be delivered over to the chief priests and scribes, and they will condemn him to death and deliver him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified, and he will be raised on the third day.” (Matthew 20:18-19)

4.) Betrayed by friend for a reward of silver

"And the lords of the Philistines came up to her and said to her, "Seduce him, and see where his great strength lies, and by what means we may overpower him, that we may bind him to humble him. And we will each give you 1,100 pieces of silver." (Judges 16:5)

"Then one of the twelve, whose name was Judas Iscariot, went to the chief priests and said, "What will you give me if I deliver him over to you?" And they paid him thirty pieces of silver. And from that moment he sought an opportunity to betray him." (Matthew 26:14-16) Samson was betrayed by a lover named Delilah. Jesus was betrayed by a disciple named Judas. They both proved themselves to be in cahoots with Satan as they surrendered their believing friends over to the enemy for that which they valued more than their friendship: money.

5.) Victory over enemy accomplished upon death of deliverer

"And Samson grasped the two middle pillars on which the house rested, and he leaned his weight against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other. And Samson said, "Let me die with the Philistines." Then he bowed with all his strength, and the house fell upon the lords and upon all the people who were in it. So the dead whom he killed at his death were more than those whom he had killed during his life. (Judges 16:29-30)

"Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil." Hebrews 2:14

The means that brought about Samson's own death also served as the means by which Israel's enemy was defeated. He brought the enemy down with him. Israel’s victory came at the price of his own life. Christ too, defeated the Serpent & sin through the means of His own death. Satan was beat at his own game. As Augustine has said, "The cross was the devil's mousetrap." Samson reached out his arms for placement on the pillars. His right hand grasping one pillar. His left hand grasping the other. And bowing with all his strength, he brought down the temple (house, ESV) of Dagon & thousands of Philistines with it. Jesus, in similar fashion, stretched out his arms as well. Not to take hold on pillars, but to be taken hold of by nails which would hold him to the cross. His right hand took one nail. His left hand another. His feet too were pierced and held to the cross. And as his strength failed, he bowed his head, and gave up his spirit.(John 19:30) Jesus, like Samson, brought down a house.  He bound the strong man & plundered his dwelling. Christ tore down that which The Serpent had erected. “The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil.”(1 John 3:8) But Jesus like Samson, brought down the house at the cost of His own life. In crushing the enemy, Christ Himself had to be crushed for a time. His heel had to be bruised. And after his sufferings he, like Samson, was buried by those who cared for Him. Samson's body eventually saw decay after he had gone the way of all the earth. He who had begun to save Israel did not finish the job completely. No sinful human being ever could. They can paint striking pictures, but only The God-Man can bring about an eternal, irreversible redemption for enslaved sinners.

As I mentioned above, Samson needed the Messiah he foreshadowed. And although Samson’s body saw decay, as did David and all the rest of God's people, in the end they will all rise again because of Him who died & rose again for them. Jesus died in weakness, but he was raised victoriously and incorruptibly.

He will come again conquering. The Victory belongs to The Christ.

[lunosamentelunitoo]

Gintama 632 translation

Title: You have to commit your crimes while doing good things

Matako: Can you take me with you? I know what kind of person are you, the one that can do anything, we are the same, we both lost everything during the war, my father that fought for this country, it’s been killed by the same country. And my mother that was a criminal’s wife, died while was persecuted. The only one left that can still do something it’s me, and the only thong i can do is to take revenge against my family’s enemies with this gun that my father left... !! W.. wait!! They.. they took everything from you too!! The bakufu, teh amanto” please take revenge with me!! We will ...

Takasugi: Together? So if we have the same enemies... why don’t you point that gun to your head? If there is a thing I will do, it’s to destroy this country, you are still in time, they say that the smartest ones survive. 

Matako. With tohse words, that man’s eye weren’t set on the country, but to himself. They were the saddest eyes.

Takasugi: So, a weapon to destroy the world? Don’t make me laugh! The one that will destroy the world is me! And I will never give you this pleasure.

Matako: That man’s eyes were eyes of someone that don’t hold back, fearless eyes.

Dude: Thi.. this is

Enshou: Who is that man? 

Dude: Don’t.. don’t move!

Takasugi: Are you so scared? Don’t worry, I am not here for my friends, no one is suited to be one for me, and all the universe is my enemy. 

Dude: ShoooT!!

(FB)

Dude: They are still hunting joui rebels. They say she was carring a gun and so they think she was a rebel. But for the bakufu everyone suspicious is not captured as a joui ronin, what times are we now...

Takasugi: ...

Bansai: Isn’t that a sad story? Lately a lot of innocents are imprisoned, don’t you think that there are other bad guys that deserve to be tied up? Like that guy... Takasugi Shinsuke, he was one of the 4 devas during the joui war, and it seems he is hiding here. And it seems that even that girl is been seen with him 

Takasugi: This story is a lie. I hear a different story about an other big shot being here, his name was Kawakami Bansai the killer. 

Bansai:  I don’t know him. Anyhow that girl was quite unfortunate to approach such bad guys. The blame is not letting me sleep. I should play some lullaby

Dude: Oi you bastard! What are you doing here?

Bansai: be quiet, I am in the middle of a musical performance

Dude: The one that should be quiet it’s you! You bastard is that a sword? Are you a joui rebel? 

(end FB)

Dude: The enemy invaded the 17th division! and the 5th bttalion is in the mibble of a battle! A urgent backing is required! We  need informations... Prince!! The 7th and the 22th divisions are being assaulted by ships! 

(FB)

Bansai: I can’t believe, for the sake of a single girl, he moved so many man. It seems we got catched. It seems they used that girls as a bait to catch you Takasugi Shinsuke. Probaly some dog of the shogunate saw you talking with her. In order to cath you they used that girl.

Shinsuke. i don’t remember to be taken by those guys. I was only been instigated by you. 

Bansai: I am sorry I was only courious to see that living leggend. 

Takasugi: Really? and what kind of man he was? 

Bansai: He just goes around telling he want to destroy the world, but then he ended up being catched because he could not let go a girl. But is not a stupid to be disliked for.

Takasugi: Me too. The one that let go samurai is that country. And that man is plotting to set free the joui rebels imprisoned here. But then he go you to be inprisoned ofr a girl too.  What an idiot, but if it wasn’t for that i would never meet you tho.

Bansai: You..

Takasugi: Tomorrow we will be executed. You will die anyway judged by this country, so do you want to die for me? Kawakami Bansai the killer? 

Bansai: Are you inviting me to do that in a place liek that? An idiot is being tagging with an idiot. And  for what reason yo will die?

Takasugi: I will not, I will step on every corpse in order to crush this country, so i will not die.

Bansai: Said the man that tomorrow will be executed... But if ti is for a great cause, using this life is not so that bad.

Takasugi: So do you took a decision?

Matako: Freed those men!

Henpeita: Oh lord. Are you throwing away your life a second time? Why are you wasting that fresh and your body fo yours. Do you want that man to notice you so much?

Matako: It’s not like that! It’s not for being noticed, or being led by him. I just don’t want him to die. I just think that he is needed by this country, don’t you think the same lolicon?

Henpeita: I see... so it’s a third time. And I am ot a lolicon, and from now on I will stop to treat you like a child. 

Matako: Don... don’t move!

henpeita:  I want  to give you that back. you lost it. SO you don’t need to pint that sword at me .

Dude: Takasugi Shinsuke. Kawakami Bansai, we found you! It’s all set.

Henpeita: You have to take revenge on your enemies by your own.

Bansai : That’s impossible! The joui rebels that were jailed are all already free! Takasugi, don’t tell me it was you... You had someone in the shogunate...

Henpeita: I was involved with the government until now, but then I took a decision. I am like you, that cause i am a gentleman.

(END FB)

Henpeita: So that how we ended up? We resent and cursed this world. We gathered in order to destroy this world. And now we are rescuing it? 

Matako: I knew that. We the Kiheitai don’t care if we were born to destoy the world

Takasugi: Let’s go

Matak: Or just to rescue a single girl. Both ways are part of the Kiheitai. And as long we will not fall down we don’t care. As long they are enemies or allies of the country we will destroy all the rotten guys. This is Takasugi Shinsuke’s Kiheitai

[webwych]

This is your Han Solo now ...

So we had the first as-yet-untitled-Han Solo project cast photo this week, wow, the “SW” Facebook page deteriorated into the childish and moronic “if you don’t want this; you’re not a fan” generation-gap mentality argument pretty damn quickly.

I don’t know how alone I am in this, but being one of the people who were part of the last Lucasfilm/fan focus group; I, at least, can say that I have pretty much directly told Lucasfilm in no uncertain terms what I thought of this particular project and I assure you that my comments were not very pretty and, in my opinion, rather scathing.  I must state for all purposes that I did that knowing that the “go/no-go” point to have this project green lit was at least 18 months ago and understand that anything I had to say had absolutely no effect on the outcome.

I can see that this film has currently split the fandom somewhat evenly, but I think the “don’t want” have the edge for the time being.  I know that there will be fans who are not happy about this project now who will be swept up in the coming months as more BTS shots are released, and there might be a “something” at this year’s Celebration to give buzz about, and there are many fans are looking forward to it.  Yes, there will also be those fans who will see it 6 times (at least) and whom will take to the myriad of social media platforms to tell just everyone who watches or listens or reads just how much they hated it every single time they saw it.  

But is this project a good idea – no, it is not.  Personally, for those of us who continue to feel Solo’s fate in TFA deeply, simply have not been allowed to grieve by Disney/Lucasfilm and this as-yet-untitled-Han Solo project does very much feel like the character is barely cold in his grave and we are being presented with a new step-father and told to call him “daddy”.  OK, that’s probably a bit too Drama Queen-y, but, gorramit, it’s how I feel.

These standalone projects highlight Disney’s business model need for this franchise - a “SW” film every year ad infinitum.  They are also, unfortunately, the embodiment of Lucas’ extremely ill chosen and inelegant analogy made during his Charlie Rose interview in 2015.  However, the decision for the return to the May release date is in itself fascinating (for those of you interested in the business of distribution) as it actually doesn’t give the title the potential longevity of theatrical release as keeping the mid-December date does, but hey; that’s likely to be all about getting it onto the home entertainment market ASAP to recoup that ROI, but I digress ... Would it have been better if the decision had been made to simply find a new director for the Boba Fett project and proceed with that?  Yes and no.

I say yes, because following the character’s somewhat gauche exit in ROTJ, Boba Fett’s “myth” has become even more entrenched especially being one of the remarkably few (and I am counting the fingers on one hand) OT characters that has a rich (read cinematic) backstory exploitation potential. And, hey, his costume’s, like, really cool!

I say no, because it doesn’t take away the “meat-grinder” element of what this fandom has to now accept.   And those canon novels, comics and video games will simply not write themselves.

As a 1 of those characters ripe for cinematic exploitation – Han Solo has it all.  Being the eldest of the original OT triumvirate, his backstory is an untapped source, which if handled correctly, could go for more than 1 film (and I don’t care what Hidalgo vehemently countered last year on his Twitter regarding the “news” of possibly more than 1 Han Solo film; potential further Solo sequels or similar is likely to have been considered due to Disney’s business model and the last thing the studio want is to keep negotiating with Alden Ehrenreich’s reps especially as this could open big enough).   Considering the career that Harrison Ford went on to have; Solo has audience brand awareness like you wouldn’t believe and is consistently voted as The Favourite “SW” CharacterTM.  This was very much put to maximum use for TFA when that film was sold to the general public on Ford’s back.  

Disney, like all companies, has its shareholder obligations and therefore quarterly projections to meet.  And I have no doubt whatsoever, that numbers have already been run for this as-yet-untitled Han Solo offering (but please, indulge me a second time while I contribute some title suggestions:  “21 Jump Falcon” or “48 Parsecs” or tapping into Kennedy’s western idea, “Butch Calrissian and the Sundance Solo” or maybe it should just be “Firefly” …  Oh, wait, that last 1 already happened, didn’t it?) so there’s an idea of possible BO both domestic and worldwide that will be gaining traction within the Mouse House.    Just add the audience …

As a Han Solo/Harrison Ford fan for 4 decades I have a number of issues with this as-yet-untitled-Han Solo project (bet you’re surprised by that, huh?)  The primary one is this:  Following the events regarding this character in TFA, why on Earth would I, as a consumer, want to buy into a Han Solo film, especially when it has been written by 2 of the architects of the character’s fate and personality in TFA?

I was never a particular fan of the former EU, so I never bought into the Han/Leia white picket fence around the Millennium Falcon scenario as was presented.  But I most definitively do not buy into the never around father and husband as presented by J J Abrams and Lawrence Kasdan in TFA (which is being currently cemented by both Chuck Wendig and Claudia Gray into a man who felt confined in his relationship and impending fatherhood, more interested in racing and general itchy-feet in their “canon” novels) as it would appear that their Han Solo remained as we first met him in ANH.  My Han Solo grew up without knowing who his parents were, very much lived a hand-to-mouth existence on whatever planet’s streets – an “SW” version of the Artful Dodger if you will, and yet was able to pull himself out of wherever to make it to the Imperial Navy to pursue a dream.   I, personally, have great difficulty in acknowledging how that Han Solo would condone his child to a similarly emotionally difficult life.  Han Solo was at that point in ANH and by the end of ROTJ, he’d found enduring friendship (the people he’d dismissed at the beginning rescued him at great danger to themselves), companionship (he’d developed love) and a sense of belonging (he stayed with the Rebellion – yes, in the beginning it was likely for ulterior motives, but not by the closing shots of ROTJ) – that is a character arc which someone who has experienced the worst that life could throw their way would not easily give up.  As it stands, for me, the Han Solo of TFA is tantamount to character assassination solely for our leisure cash.

Of course, I understand that the Han Solo we will be presented with in the as-yet-untitled-Han Solo project will be the Han of ANH as the Messer’s Kasdan can put the character in more thrilling situations, and minus Leia, give him a passing, but no doubt intense love interest.  But we’ve seen how this character’s story ends - being callously murdered for narrative purposes on the modern screenwriting altar of cheap audience manipulation; so, again, why should I spend my hard earned money on this?  And anyway, with Woody Harrelson admitting that his character’s name is Garris Shrike, I can only wonder just how much of this film will be owe to A C Crispin’s 1997 Han Solo trilogy novels (yes, OK, former EU has no place …  Right …) The very sad thing is that if this film has scenarios recognizable to her novels there is likely to be no credit for Ms Crispin which is beyond awful while the Messer’s Kasdan will call it their own work.

The last fan focus group survey was about this project and it would appear that I was one of very, very few people who actually knew who Ehrenreich is and could recognise a photo of him.  I have seen his performance in “HAIL, CAESAR!” and enjoyed it; in fact it was of a standard that I would expect of a Coen Brothers production, so do I think he will give a poor performance?  Most definitely not; but his Han Solo will not be my Han Solo and creatives/business involved in this ignore that at their error.

Rightly or wrongly, I feel that a lot of this has to be with clearing the copyright decks of Lucas’ vision (and again whatever you think of Lucas IN THE SLIGHTEST; you feel it BECAUSE you bought into his original creation) and as I’ve stated earlier, there is an element of churning out product.  I am of a certain age where I feel that quality is superior to quantity, but I also accept that there are fans (regardless of age) who are extremely happy with the thought of a film every year ad infinitum and all good luck to you.  If your question is do I think it will be a bad film?  No; no it will not, no one spends the money these days on film production expecting to make a bad film!

Once upon a time, the former EU evolved from the foundation of the OT and weaved its own path for 6 years until the announcement was made in ‘96/97 regarding the PT.  By 2005, Lucas expressed that in his opinion there were 3 streams for “SW”:  The films which was his vision and which were canon (just think, kids, there was a time when if it wasn’t on screen it simply wasn’t canon); then there was the merchandise, which included the EU, comics, etc; and lastly there was ours, the fans’, “SW” – and none of those necessarily met in a neat junction, but all ran parallel with the films trumping everything, and Lucas (whether you remain supportive or dismissive) very much recognized that, and as long as the fandom played that game, acknowledged the fandom in a manner in which no other entertainment producing entity every has or is likely to again.

The last word I have to make regarding this as-of-yet-untitled Han Solo project is this:  I can not wait for the utterly ridiculous blustering explanation that will come from Pablo Hidalgo and the Lucasfilm Story Group either in a direct social media proclamation or a canon novel which addresses how a mature adult male in his mid-20s grew 5 inches by the time that mature adult male was in his mid-30s or will that physical element simply be part of the “this is your Han Solo now” mentality?

[datingadviceonreddit]

I can get overly verbose, so here’s the quick story.-Went to Europe in February w/3 close friends. Great time. Never had a one night stand before. Dutch grad student in a bar, drinks...one thing led to another...found out after I got back.I have a good job, professional field. Woman friendly, supportive environment. I decided to go ahead with my pregnancy. It may be difficult, but I have to tools to do this snd be the bedt single mother I can be.-Met nice, funny smart and, not that it matters, hot tall (6’7”! ) Chris at free range dog park. We talk and laugh. Nothing much thought about it.-That same night, I go to a bbq at a friends. Obviously, I’m not drinking or getting out socially as much, so this was nice. Turns out Chris and I have friends who have friends who are friends sort of thing. He’s there and surprised, but happy to see me.-We talk. A lot. This whole time, he has talked me as a person and not just as someone who ‘s pregnant. He doesn’t even bring it up until I dropped my phone. We both go down to try to get it, but this kinda thing isn’t easy anymore. Im getting pretty big up front. So when it does come up, he’s cool. A lot of people think that because my reproductive status is visible, personal questions are ok. He just asks when i’m due, if i know the gender and gives the obligatory congrats.-later it comes up we’re both single. It’s getting late, i say goodbye and leave. I have never regretted my decision to have my baby, but I was thinking it was a rotten time to meet him.next morning, FB friend request. I accept. We chat on messenger. Then he asks me out.-seriously not expecting this. pretty resigned to being single mom. Not looking for baby daddy, but I said yes.-Dinner, great conversation. Takes me home and gives me a goodnight kiss ot two, i was ok with this. Really ok with it, but cut it off awkwardly and said i hoped I could see him again soon. We agree.more chatting on messenger. I finally brought up the elephant in the room. Isn’t he bothered by the fact I’m pregnant? -No. Admittedly, its not a scenario he expected, bit says when there’s a connection, he thinks it should be pursued. - Not looking to be a substitute father, understands that after I have her, I’m not doing much of anything for quite a bit, but if I allow him, he would be happy to meet her and help me with things. He’d like to be friends, maybe more, but respects my priorities and no pressure/expectations from him. -Says I’m pretty. The bump just makes me a pretty girl with a bump, still attractive to him and says im actually “adorable “ with it Understands if I’m uncomfortable dating when carrying other man’s child, but not an issue for him.We’re going out Friday again. I was not too sure about things for a while, but now think I am. I am considering both the emotional and physical angles here. I have to admit liking him. Also, tbh, the thought of having sex is really on my mind. A lot. Im sometimes self conscious about how I look now, but im really feeling id enjoy it. Ive been fixated on thoughts about it for months now, and I didn’t expect to have the opportunity to be intimate with someone during my pregnancy or gor a long time afterwards.-sorry re: length.-any thoughts? via /r/dating_advice