#and if i go i cant afford to pay bills here so idk what my mom will do

[infinityonimmortals]

major epiphany today, ive been emotionally/psychologically abused for the last 10yrs apparently

[otteroflore]

spoilers for osmosis jones

my partner and i watched osmosis jones and here is my summary

-bill murray is a good comedian, and funny. he is not funny in this movie

-in the first 5 minutes bill murray begins eating an egg with mayonnaise on it which is the first sign hes eats “unhealthy food” but like. my guy its an egg with more egg on it. eggs are healthy...

-the cars having cilia instead of wheels is creative and fun but i honestly am not sure the average child under 7 appreciates cilia the way i do

-i just feel like if you’re going to make a movie about the body either make a lot of medical references and aim for an older audience who you can teach or just make fart jokes but its like they cant decide

-the movie aims to gross you out all the time

-i feel bad for frank but also hes a terrible father just terrible

-theres like sort of creativity with the designs but imo almost too much homogeneity. The average citizen of Frank seems to be a white blood cell, depicted as a blueish humanoid, or a red blood cell, depicted as a reddish skinned humanoid, but it’s unclear what the mayor and leah are supposed to be since the white blood cells are cops and the red blood cells are just shown like picking up trash or whatever (which is also like, idk why they didn’t involve red blood cells doing smth cool like deliver oxygen and involve the plot). All the pathogens (”germs” but ok) are green blobs except for the main one, Thrax, who has a sharp-edged red-and-black design. Besides being a bit on the nose, it feels like the background character designs could have been a little more interesting, especially given one is labeled a “flu vaccine” who is a cop informant (as a metaphor for vaccines its pretty nice). Since flu is a virus, the informant should look like a virus and thus more like thrax than the other characters who are implied to be bacteria or whatever. it could have lead to some interesting mystery about whether hes a virus or other pathogen.

-the main girl cell character is *purple* for absolutely no reason, it just really irritated me

-the tonal dissonance btwn the animated and live action scenes is startling

-whatever they were trying to do with Drix The Cold Pill wasn’t... enough. i feel like hes supposed to have a buzz lightyear out of his element vibe but it doesn’t work well

-more inconsistent sizing in this movie than in the su episodes people like to bitch about on here

-I googled eyelash sizes bc of this movie and found out an eyelash diameter is like 10 to 100 times the size of a white blood cell so its probably not *that* bad in that scene but i also found out about eyelash mites and now im like well that should have been in the movie. also im upset about it

-also bill murray is just disgusting. this movie is so gross and unfunny it hurts

-its also one of the most insulting / anti-fat movies ever and i’ve seen the farrelly brothers later horrible movie shallow hal. like the movie is so fckin mean to bill murray for eating shitty food or whatever that his daughter implies his mom died because of their diet. it is SUCH a shitty message to tell to anyone! jesus christ!

-such weird classist implications too, like the offhand bit that he got fired from his job at a factory to go work at a zoo with “a ninety percent cut in pay” which like first of all. you need expertise to work at a zoo like i dont want to undermine factory labor but the skills for working in a pea soup factory are going to be very different from a zookeeper. but then also he has a nice 2000s middle class all american home he is somehow still affording.

-but then theres the fact he eats all junk food which is constantly depicted as disgusting and vile and is clearly meant to be mocked by the audience (and his daughter as a stand in for the audience is very upset by it). like first of all... fuck off with rudeness to anyone for how they eat but second of all poor people often 1. cant afford better food and 2. eat junk food bc its the closest thing to a luxury they can’t afford. i guess by giving them the big house its showing that bill murrays character has the choice to afford better food? but then why throw in the bit about his character losing his job and taking a pay cut?

-its such a weird plot contrivance that the end of the movie relies on his daughter wearing fake eyelashes. Like, real eyelashes fall out sometimes they could have just done that. or something else entirely

-the ending cumulates in frank, bill murrays character, flatlining and an incredibly tv-star-telenovela-bait man in a doctors code announcing hes died and then his daughters tears bring him back to life

-actual diseases are so much more interesting than this movie.

-also this movie is not funny please dont watch it

[mothsantics]

life update

i dont do anything but reblog things here lately so some updates maybe: 1. i havent been drawing because of reasons i will mention. sorry about that 2. i moved back in june but am struggling to pay rent and bills, also for reasons i will mention, i would like to do commissions for money but idk how many people would be interested 3. i am possibly struggling with chronic fatigue and pain. im not sure but all i know is for weeks now i have been constantly exhausted and getting random achy joints, back pain, and headaches. as a result i cannot work and because of mental fatigue it has been hard to come up with any ideas for what to draw and when i do its just difficult to keep going due to bad concentration and low motivation. i went to the ER and they have no idea whats wrong with me (literally got diagnosed with “malaise” because they didnt know what else to say) 4. my mental health has also tanked and i had to find a new psychiatrist because my old one was terrible and couldnt prescribe me stimulants due to shitty rules. i found a new one but do not have an appointment until weeks later and ive been struggling to pay for medication on top of bills, which is fun. if i cannot afford medication next time i need more, i will be in a worse spot tl;dr sorry for no new art. there havent been any because im dealing with some shit but i would be willing to open commissions to try and solve said shit and this was pretty much actually just an advertisement for commissions. dont feel the need to commission me if you cant afford it though, i will likely be fine even if no one commissions me. it would just help a whole lot. thank you for reading even if you just read the tl;dr lol

[flyingcookierambles]

rant ig

in recent news last week on wednesday my idiot sister and her borderline anti-vax boyfriend got covid and now my mom is getting sick and we’re worried that it’s covid instead of a normal seasonal cold or mild allergy and im just hgioehgaoieh i hate it here no matter what i do to keep myself safe the issue is coming from within the house in my case my sister and her boyfriend stayed had dinner and stayed overnight 2 fridays ago ughghghgh i hate this i hate her literal deadly trash taste in men ghroeahgorehgreog i have asthema my mom has diabetes the idiot trash taste sister also has asthema and a lot of people in my family are 50-60+ year old boomers with various health issues from hard manual labor all their lives as blue collar workers plus my 84 year old grandma ghrueagihreuoghreaoghreio gheriogheovhdfovhav hgorehgaoeh agho plus we’ve started inviting my maternal grandma and her sister to our family parties and they’re like 70-ish or so and my grandma’s sister is only here now bc her husband literally died of covid bc some idiot step-uncle that i’ve never met apparently went to thanksgiving last year without being vaccinated and gave the entire family covid and killed his uncle im just hr igohreaoihraeioghaeoighraioheog ifoahgoheg i hate it here we’ve kicked my sister out to be with her boyfriend bc of the sickness but they were still here in my house i hate it i hate it so much plus the idiot borderline anti-vaxxer boyfriend is a carpenter and he insists on going to work going into people’s homes and businesses while getting angry at the mere suggestion of wearing a mask or doing an at home test and then whenever my sister talks on the phone with my mom she said that her boyfriend said that “she really ought to go back to work even though she’s sick” (puzzlingly her employers also agree despite it being a private nanny job for rich people on the rich side of town watching literally babies (2 kids under 4 years old, idk if they’re even old enough for a ovid shot) plus the employer’s mom died of covid just a few months ago wtf???) and that “my boyfriend’s coworkers all agree that we’re just overreacting about covid “and im just like yeah duh they’re all also constuction workers/carpenters probably who believe in some weird libteratiarn toxic masculinity where other peoples’ lives dont matter to them and grejaigerioaehoe hrgoaho ghreoag seriously im so sick and tired of thes i wish all stupid anti-vaccers a very get polio measles tuberculosis and die if you want to so so so badly bc youre a fragile little snowflake who either thinks that your “special macho dna will out-manliness literal bacteria” or “bill gates is putting microchips in our bodies for the (insert some most likely anti-semitic conspiracy theory about robot lizard alien overlords living in the sewers of atlantis)” and leave the rest of us reasonable folk who listen to science and doctors alone

in other news if i somehow get covid at least my steam deck came in + im literally working my temp office job + my retail job, so i can have an excuse for a break from my 7 days a week, 45-50 hours work that allowed me to afford a steam deck in the first place + we have an excuse to not go to the cousin that we don’t like’s wedding next weekend in ohio so gihiroeahgeorihgoe eh :/

im so tired

when the idiots stayed over it was in my sisters’ childhood room that shares a cold air vent with my mom’s room next door

ughghghghghghghg if we don’t get it at this point its a miracle

like 3/4 of all covid scares that happened to my family so far have been from my sister’s dumb libertarian anti-vaxxer/anti-covid boyfriends im just like kick her out of the house go away i cant take it anymore

if i have to call off work i want my sister to pay for my doctor’s appointment to get my inhaler prescription, my inhaler, and all the days i have to call off work, i would never get this normally, ive literally worn a mask all this time since like 2020 march when going to work even now i am the only one both my work places that consistently wears one and with this scare im eating outside in the cold windy autumn at the picnic tables for the smokers bc i dont want to be *that guy* who infects the entire office

ughghghghghgh i hate it here

[merrymusings]

hi everyone. as many of my followers probably know, this year my sister, who has severe mental and physical health issues and fell into a very terrifying state of psychosis for many weeks, was detained by police and spent several weeks in jail. she then went through two different mental health facilities (one of which was abusive) over the course of a couple of months and is now recovering from the months of trauma she just went through. i explained the situation in my detail in my old posts; i was able to find one update from may but i know i posted many since .. idk where they are bc i didnt tag them. 

many people on tumblr were generous and it touched my heart and soul and made such a difference during the most dark period our family has experienced. i will never be able to thank each of you, but i swear i will continue to pay it forward and help people however i can throughout the rest of my life. 

i have to ask one last time, because i am extremely desperate and don’t know what else to do. i am selling off any items i have, my dad is selling anything he can too, (including his house but that takes time,) and we both are working more than full time to try and pay the legal bills for my sister. praise god that my sister is now well enough and has also gotten a job now, but it does not start for another couple of weeks. here is the issue: my sister’s court case is starting now. her attorney (who we had to choose because of the mental health component) is requiring $3,000 this week in order to represent her. i am absolutely doing everything i can to get her the money, but i can’t even afford to buy groceries right now or pay for transit to work. my dad and i are still in debt from paying her during the prefiling of the charges and all my credit cards are maxed out. the last option we have is to pawn my mother’s wedding ring, but we just lost her in april and the thought of losing my last physical connection to her makes me so sick i immediately break down. i dont want to share this information publicly and it is making me really ashamed, but if i can even get a little bit of help here one more time it will help more than i can ever express. so i am sucking down my pride. 

again, this is the last time we will need help. after this case goes through, my sister should be able to do a mental health diversion program instead of going back to jail (NONE of the things she did during her mental episode were violent, no weapons were involved, she did not harm anyone nor was even accused of harming anyone, but i cant discuss since it is an ongoing legal matter.) however, we need the money to pay the attorney in order to move forward and give her the future she has always worked hard for. every last penny donated will be used solely for my sister’s legal fees. 

if you can help, please do.  venmo: @ajjess cashapp: $ajjess1 i can give you my paypal via im if you need it instead. i dont want to post it because it has my full name and i want to protect my little sister’s identity.

please, please, please signal boost and reblog. i swear, the rest of my life i will be paying you all back by helping everyone that i can. when i am in a better financial position, i am also going to donate to people all the time because i know how this end of it feels and it is a nightmare. thank you. i love yall.

[gcmblingdice]

..

Hopefully my next paycheck will push me having 2000 so i can pay off my aunt so I can get my car this weekend. Gotta make sure too that I can also pay off dad too (but he says to wait til next week?) But then i gotta like buckle down again om finding insurance.

Im also afraid Ill loose my state insurance and wont be able to afrord my meds because i cant afford insurance (unless i go through my work but idk how much extra that will be out of my paycheck.)

Yes I am moving in with my boyfriend and his partner, but I think its only until I am able to be on my own??? Idk. I need to get that clarification but i always forget.

Im also nervous and worried that once I move my dad may decline and idk. Also im not over how my brother keeps joking about me paying dad back cause its his inheritence too.

Like we already did the math and between bills going out and income coming in, he would have 600-700 a month of left over money to use for gas and grocerries etc. He can easily rebuild that 6k+ (8k if we counting the vet) and i mean I understand he wants the money back, but he keeps asking me ans reminding me and i keep telling him Ill.pay him back.

Then he also says to not rush it, but will remind me.of what i already paid him and its like SIR PLEASE? AND I AM SO DONE.

Im full on bulimic again and dont fucking care much anymore about shit and Im slipping. I find myself drinking more and more.

I resubbed to the gym but only went once and feel like shit. Like good job ya dumb bitch 10 dollars wasted a month. (I been trying to do evening walks tbh but i wanna do the gym for real again)

OH AND EVEN THO I CLOSED THE CREDIT CARD MOM HAD FOR DAD I FORGOT I NEEDED TO 0 OUT THE BALANCE LOL I FUCKING HATE IT SO THAT ONTOP OF EVERYTHING.

Man i just do not. Not to mention the walking on eggshells and I am still not over how my dad's side has villainized me ever since the funeral when i told them to fuck off. Also the gays are pedo narrative is one they cling tigthly too because CLEARLY ME HELPING TO LET THIS 13 YR OLD BE HEARD AND ENCOURAGING HER TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HER GENDER AND SHIT IS BIG NONO AND I AM I NOT ALLOWED TO HELP A YOUNG QUEER BECAUSE SHE IS 13 ANE DOESNT KNOW WHAT SHE IS FEELING AND ITS A PHASE.

Man fuck off. The way she was so excited to see someone who was also queer, who gave her space to vent, made me cry.

My aunt knows of her being gay (or qieer) but even she says that the girl might change her mind.

MA'AM. and even if she does end up not being queer ( which i highly doubt since she confessed she was always different in that she liked girls and those who were non gender conforming and always said she felt more seen by gay tiktok and that she wants ti learn more before she can settle on who she is, but she isnt allowed...

BUT APPARENTLY ME JUST SHOWING BASIC DECENCY AMD GIVING HER SPACE TO BE IS BAD AND MAKES ME A P*DO???

and people on either side of my family constantly telling me i look like mom or how well I am doing when ITS CLEAR I HAVenT HAD TIME TO HEALTHILY PROCESS ANYTHING BUT OKAAAAY AND YEEESSSS

Tell me Im selfish because I want a safe space to grieve. Tell me I should be more respectful of my dad cause he is hurt too. Also we love them telling me i am not allowed to speak out on my own abuse at my dads hands because "now you onownyour dad is a good man"

FUCK OUT HERE WITH THAT SHIT. ON GOD.

[alyfawx]

I cant keep doing this...

I cant keep up with evrything expected of me...

i lose sleep..

im in pain all the time...

I keep pushing but i feel like...

utter shit...

I hate my job but i need money...

I Dont get paid enough to pay bills and get things that i like...

I am told in different ways that im not good enough or im not doing enough...

I cant find to much happiness doing the things I love...like writing...or eating stuff I love and crave...

im worried everyday about my health but i domt have the motivation to donwhats needed to keep it leveled...

im at war just toget my insurance but they keep saying my account is still open in fucking NY and its been years of flinging to my social worker trying to figure it out and cancel it and they say they will give me the papers I need to donit but never does and because of that my mental health is getting worse and worse because its not getting treated and i try to treat my own self with research and stuff but there is so much i can do...and I considered just...going to a mental psychiatric clinic but then I cant afford that because my damn NY account in insurance keeps saying its open but me an my mom tried to get it fix and it just will not fucking close 4 years of trying this 4 fucking years and im suffering inturnally...i contemplate running away from going to work but i cant...because work equals money...i feel like a burden to my family but have no clue what else I can give to them...when im fucked up...i cant take more hours because I feel like if I did I will be lutting more stress to my body that will probably make things worse....i hate asking for help because its looked down uponed...or I feel like my problems are solo fucking little compare to others who work there god damn butts off and im here complaining I cant do a 4 hour shift for like 4 days back to back without wanting to fucking blow my brains out because everything hurts...and on top of that I seriously cant deal with the stress my mind is on when im there..."im not good enough or fast enough or im socially awkward and weird and people will look at me like i'm not trying hard enough" and that makes work for me a living fucking HELL...because everyday I wish I see people doing things more efficient then me...but if im going any more then i am doing...im stressed and anxious and like not comfortable... and i just try to keep those thoughts down...but there is a point where I just cant even bother because my mind is so hard to shut off...once it gets going...i Don t know what to do anymore...im starting to feel like...hopeless...helpless because theres so much expactations on me...brcausr no one ilunderstands...no one wants too...and when they try they just say you just got to do it...its life...it I get compared to better off people mentally...stonger people...thats even with there struggles they can do it...im not one of those people and i dont think I'll ever be in my current situation...and honestly...u dont know what else I can do anymore...and its to the point where trying anything more then what I feel I capable of...ill push myself too much and I'll snap...and do something stupid just to get out of it...but I fight that thought...everyday...because of these expactations and people who love me...and I try to convince myself it will get better but im exhausted...this fight is draining me...and I want everything to change already...its want a fucking merical...something to get me out of this rut im in...because I juat cant do this anymore...im fighting and im still not giving up but im afraid that...oneday I wont be me anymore and that protection of fighting will break and then...it will be to late...

I will try with every fiber of my being to keep that fight...and fight...but theres just so much you can take when your in this low rut...that comes up and down and up and down...and up and down like a figging roller coaster...and sometimes its just...unable to keep those ups for very long...and I lie to myself to keep fighting...but im to the point where...i just...cant keep doing that....an I need help...and thats gonna worry people...and I try to keep this to myself...and even now after writing this im regretting this...but this is needed to come out...i am not okay...im not normal...im dying inside everyday...this is serious...please help me...and I know...thats hard to hear for some people...and you guys just probably want the Ally before she went through trauma...and you just want to think lightly of me...and that im fine and content...and I want her back too...i try to keep her...but theres times I just cant and shes so far away ...and I wont be ending my life...but...im just...not okay...and idk what to tell anyone...cuz I have no clue how to fix it on my own...its hard to keep up this mask...that I hide...but the mask is crumbling...i cant keep it together for much longer...

I wish I was okay...but im not...and I really dont know what else I can do anymore...

I try to keep a content mindset...but...unfortonatly I really can't...i hope I get out of it...i want to be okay...but im not okay...and I domt want it to get it to thr point where I cant recover...so please if you can help me in anyway...please...do....its a mess up here...and by tomorrow im sure...ill act like im okay and the way i am is fine because I don't every time...don't listen to me...i need all the help and support and love and understanding I can get...but dont freak out because when you freak out im freaking out and that stresses me out more....just approach me with a calm state of mind...and try your best to help me...and forgive me if it doesnt sink in to me quickly...i need patiants and lots of it...not frustration...not being told im not. trying hard enough because that will make me feel resentful and that isnt good for anything... not for me and not for the help...so please if anyone can help me out...its appreciated...

[blinkaftermidnight]

Me again

U srsly inspired me wtf im like :/ I agree with everything u said? And I cant wait to feel like that,its so close yet im like so scared for no reason..its shitty espaically when u realize ur just a teen who left high school less than a year ago and u got the whole life ahead of u lmao

Alright, here’s another uncalled for essay lmao. So I am the ripe old age of 22 (23 in June because time really just keeps moving forward, huh?), and it’s been roughly 5 years since I graduated from high school and let me tell you: I didn’t know wtf I was doing back then and idk wtf I’m doing rn. Idk if that’ll make you feel better or worse lol but I didn’t know what I was doing after high school or even after undergrad, which is how I ended up in law school lmao. And not knowing what you’re doing is fucking scary, but so is not liking what you’re doing. For me, it got to a point a few weeks back where I was asking myself, what’ll be worse: leaving law school to face the unknown again or staying in law school, going all the way to becoming a lawyer, and hating the rest of my life? And the idea of hating the rest of my life scares me more than the fear of not knowing what I’m going to do with it. The relief from my decision to leave came later. At first it was all fear, but it gradually faded once I committed to my decision. And I’m going to hold onto the relief for now instead of letting the fact that idk what I’m doing stress me out 24/7. (I can’t afford more gray hairs than I already have lmao.) And you and I are both young (though I work with some teenagers and you know what? you guys make me feel fucking old lmao) and we have whole lives ahead of us so idk why people want us to have any answers about what’s going on lol. 

So what I’m trying to say is: there’s plenty of time to figure out how to pay your bills and what’ll make you happy if your job isn’t what you want it to be and you can just figure the rest out as you go. I mean, that’s what I’m doing. (But uh...my life advice is don’t quit one job without having another one ready to go lmao but if you’re looking for a sign to start searching for a better job...maybe this is it? But it’s your life and I’m just a stranger on the internet, right? So take what I say with a grain of salt, but I feel for you. We’ve got big life decisions to make for ourselves.) I wish you the best of luck, buddy. You’re gonna work it out.

[kewltie]

Saw on your Twitter that you may be unemployed the following month, do you maybe have a ko-fi or something we can support you on ?

hi anon!!!

;JA;SDJFAS;DJF wow, idk where to start but REALLY thank you soo much for being so thoughtful! i like to to just preface pls pls PLS don’t feel obligated to donate/tips or whatever!!!! everyone is going through a hard time right now, some worst than others and if you feel like you cant afford to extend a helping hand THAT IS OK!! dont let me guilt trip you to do anything bc you’re just as important and i want you to know that. 

so like, my situation isn’t dire but the lockdown def made it worrisome. i’ve been on lockdown for almost 2 weeks now and my PTO from my company ends this week (they’re only willing to pay for 2wks off then we’re on our own, great riiiight :P) and basically everyone in my household of 3 are unemployed at the moment BUT bc i work for a retail chain corporate is willing to pay 2weeks for me. that’s what we been living on and now since that part will dry up, my mom is going to have to dip into her savings… and i signed up for unemployment benefits not sure if we’ll be approved etc etc. things that i have taken for granted is now is causing me general anxiety lol /o\ i honestly worry how much our money going to last us bc living in socal is v v expensive esp rent… 

so anyway, yea i’ll deeply, deeply apologize for going to push my kofi a little more for the next couple of weeks just to help my mom out w the bills & rent. i actually dont like asking for help, it’s just not my thing bc i get embarrassed about it personally bc i think i can do it all on my own but i have deep appreciation for single moms as you all know and i just dont want her to be burden bc she’s getting old and i just worry a lot about her, thinking how i can help her in this sucky situation. so yea, im going to screwed my pride and promote my kofi more these days. BUT all my contents are 100% free and it wont be under any paywall or anything  through this lockdown so if you cant afford to tip/donate THAT IS PERFECTLY OK!!! im just happy that ppl are reading my stuff and getting something out of it esp during this tough time and the thought of wanting to help me even when you really can’t afford it MEANS A LOT TO ME. so pls think of yourself first and do not feel like you HAVE to help me. do it only do if you can!!!!!!!! i totally understand and want you to take care of yourself and loved ones first bc they’re waaaaaaay more important than me!!

anyway, thank you v v v v much to anon for bringing it up to me! my pride finally succumbed to the reality of situation /o. 

so here’s my kofi acc if something you think you can help out on but once again pls pls pls DON’T FEEL OBLIGATED TO DO IT: https://ko-fi.com/kewltie

[fairycosmos]

hello love! sorry to bother-i was hoping to get some insight.. I havent been able to afford my cancer treatment for over a year now, i work 2 jobs but everything goes to rent&bills (america lol) im not worried-it's just skin cancer & im confident i can hold out for a bit. The problem is that my friend is a bit panicked & upset abt it. should i have not said anything? ive kept this a secret from my other friends to avoid this and now i feel terrible bc shes upset abt something that cant be fixed

hey dude i am so so sorry to hear this, oh my god 😞😞 i really can not imagine what it must be like to be in your shoes rn and i mean this in the most non patronizing way but i feel i have to say - the strength you must have to display each day is smth i cant even quantify. it is absolutely abhorrent that you have to choose between paying rent and your fucking health, seriously. the injustice of it man the fucking insidiousness of these systems that they deliberately put in place god...... i wont get off topic or write too much but. if you ever start like a godfund me or anything like that feel free to send me the link. i will share it and do what i can to get you what you need. it’s ok to ask for help esp in such trying times and you deserve it, seriously. you shouldn’t be working two jobs just to get by when you need to be looking after yourself rn, though obviously i understand why you currently have to. anyway to answer your question, i don’t think you were wrong for saying something if you felt comfortable enough in the moment to. it’s your choice and yours alone, what you share and how in regards to such a personal thing. idk how to word this but right now, i wouldn’t be too concerned that your friend is upset. obviously it sucks to see, and it’s a sign she cares about you greatly so thats lovely. but it’s also a natural reaction to saddening news and she’s entitled to those feelings, as you are to yours. it’s alright to work through negative emotions and pain, it’s part of being human. it’s not a matter of personal fault in this context. i think having a support system and people you can talk to honestly about what’s going on is super important, and you don’t have to feel bad about it at all man. this is something that is happening to you first and foremost, not something you’re imposing on others, you know? it may take a while for you to internalize that idea and to let go of the guilt but i do believe its more than possible for you to get there. you haven’t done anything wrong. your friends deserve the chance to take care of you, too. ultimately i think it’ll be cathartic to allow your friend to come to terms in her own way, while practicing the art of putting yourself and your own well being first from here on out. emotionally and physically in any way you can. because that is seriously the only thing that matters rn. i mean it, if you set up any sort of donation post you’ll have my full support. i really really hope you’re able to start receiving treatment again soon whether it’s through work or financial aid. im sending you so much love and warmth honey, please take it easy and feel free to message me if you ever need a thing, any time 💖💖

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[gayrhya]

politics talking here but it just boils my blood the GOP is taking away SNAP benefits from so many people. i’m like 90% percent sure my moms gonna loose what little money she get from the government. we can never make the amount last a whole month on three people 

and rn bills are so high we cant even afford to buy holiday presents. (my brothers getting a sweatshirt since he has no warm clothes and i’ll probably be getting a laptop charger since i need my laptop for school, if we can afford it)

i have to e-beg every month for my phone bill and to have whatever personal money to pay for hygiene and self care, etc

my mom just had to borrow 500 dollars this last month to cover bills other than rent thank GOD she made enough this month to cover rent but nothing else

while my dad ignores me and brother for the 5th month in a row, calling us greedy and refusing to help us at all while he inherits nearly 130k from his dead wife ( we also think hes seeing another woman already, my stepmother died in april. )

i just got a notice for the housing bill today, another 200$ i dont have. but i filled out paper work to defer it to my finaid. which is also a nightmare. i know im moving out in 32 days but with all the bad stuff happening it feels uncertain and scary

idk where this is going but uhh, gimme a like if you read this to let me know yall understand what nightmare im going through. thanks everyone for the support ;-;

[kataracy]

My job just does not care that rent is like 400+ huh cool cool im about to go awf under this read more if yall dont mind

FREGIURGTTKJLKKSAKDSFKAFSLJL GOD FUCKING FUCK?WHAT IS THE DEAL FFFFFFF ok story time:

So I work at corner bakery cafe its a weird fusion fast casual place where i make $9/hr, less than what i’ve made from my  last jobs but incredibly close to where i live like deadass across the street. So I have a manager that I steadily don’t get along with, he’s a blowhard. He picks a person to be mad at for the day, he hovers, he treats the girls there like his personal punching bags and I noticed all of that and started to dislike him to the point where I just couldn’t work with him. 

I would go in on days where he would close, because i work the night shift (my job favors the day shift btw. They only care about having people work in the day shift the dont give a fuck about night crew is ridiculous how much the dont clean up after their shifts and we have to pick up behind these grown ass women) and i would noticeably make little o no effort to converse with him, I just went in, did my job and went home. 

He would write me up for not saying hi to him. He would constantly start telling the GM I was being insubordinate when i was literally doing everything good at my job except talking to his sensitive ass. So I complained to the GM. I begged him to not put me on any more shifts with this manager because i was Tired of getting written u for nothing and I was tired of not having fun at my job. I was getting anxiety attacks while working with this dude it was so bad because again, he HOVERS. HE STANDS IN THE FRONT WHEN THERE IS OTHER STUFF TO DO AND JUST FUCKING HOVERS LIKE CAN YOU GO FIND SOMETHING TO DO and my GM said ok its fine we know (BECAUSE THE DONT LIKE HIM EITHER WE LITERALLY WOULD TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WE DID NOT LIKE THIS DUDE OK NONE OF THE MANAGERS LIKE HIM) we will try not to put you on the same shift, we’ll let Z (the scheduling manager) know and if u do have to be scheduled with him make sure you find a cover and we’ll tell him to leave you alone because we know you know how to do your job.

So. That was a fucking lie.

They keep scheduling him with me. I tell another manager I don’t like him and why and he says I get it I’ll let B (GM) know. 

So I keep getting scheduled with him. And how the hell am I supposed to know when because, the managers have an entirely different schedule thats just their shifts and its fucking private. They end up scheduling me with him again and again and I just don’t show up one day I let the night manager know hey im not coming in on these 2 days, i found someone for this day but not this one so i hope yall find someone.

And then the next day, im getting called by a coworker like hey where are you are you coming in and i say no. no im not. i gave the managers plenty of time ( a whole fucking day) to find someone else bc they know i dont like working with this man. i said im not coming in repeatedly. im not coming in. but the coworker keeps fucking picking at me and saying hey they dont have anyone can you please come and then i get so pissed off i say im on my way and when i get there the fucking manager says you can go home i found someone.

I get so pissed. Why did you keep calling me then?

I didn;t call you they called you.

and the coworker that kept calling me and making me feel guilty for not wanting to work with this man who makes me uncomfortable and pissed and anxious, is my boyfriend. My fucking boyfriend decided this job was more important than my feelings that day and it was beyond hurtful dude im tearing up just talking about it because god it hurt, it was like a dramatic ass betrayal (AND THAT JOB IS SO DRAMATIC BY THE WAY THEY WILL GET SO FUCKING UNCOORDINATED OVER A SMALL RUSH ITS THE STUPIDEST SHIT)

So I go back there and im so angry now. Why have you been blowing up my phone to tell me to come in and being so dramatic. There arent even any customers in here. Why did you keep calling me asking me to come in when they already found somebody.

They just found somebody.

So you could call me and even come back home to fucking say they asked you to come get me> But you cant find the time to pick up the phone again and send a quick nvm?

The next day im scheduled. Another write up from the manager who loves writing me up. because he couldn’t be a fucking manager and just find a replacement no, he had to call and tattle-tell on me to the GM for nothing. I get called in to office by the scheduling manager.

So GM asked me to have you read this, its a warning. I heard you have problems with B and I din’t know that.

I find out they never fucking told the scheduling manager. they lied to me to just keep me coming in.

And... listen. look. I get that everyone in that place must have a complaint. I get that the managers must hear complaints all the time but. just because they do, does not mean my complaint matters less. Im a young woman who is uncomfortable working with an older male manager, how about yall give a shit about that at least. This job didnt care about me the entire time and that hurts even fucking more.

So now, im only getting two days. Because instead of the other managers just stepping up and working the easy night shift, instead of being accommodating and considerate, they decide to just shit on my feelings like this. 

The last time I went in. the manager is fucking talking to me because thats what fucking happens. The more you work with someone like that, the more they get use to you not liking them and being uncomfortable with them and they decide they dont fucking care, that they dont have o be accountable. that they can just keep messing with you. My last shift was so anxiety riddled I had to excuse myself 5 times (I counted the tissues) to go fucking cry because of how awful it felt to just, be surrounded by so many people who have the power to do something and yet, decide they just dont feel like it. 

He keeps his shifts and i have to deal with having 2.

He works on salary, I have  9 dollars an hour.

my bf and i had to move out of our 1 bedroom that we share with his dad because we needed the space and rent is an extra $100. I broke my glasses last month and cant afford to get replacements so i have been straining my eyes faily. I have to pay a full internet bill from my account and my bf gives me half of that. the dog wont stop fucking barking and giving the cat fleas. My mother and I dont speak, we have no relationship. I dont want to ask my aunts for money any more than i already do, i have no family out here, i only have like 3 friends that are close enough to visit and even then, i dont have a car and “close” equals driving distance and... i’m just

I am so exhausted haha. its been such a long few months. The ups and downs are there but, the downs have been so much more amplified lately its hard to see a silver lining so i just, idk, I dont know. I do not know.

I got our new schedule today. Only two days. This ko-fi stuff and this commission stuff guys its what i have right now. Its what i need to work because nothing else is. lol im not a begging person, im not like... this. Im not so open but, i could really use any help right now, please. Just share the links, if u dont see something u like maybe someone else will, and that hope is the only thing i can look forward to right now. thanks for reading this far if u did. thanks for listening to me yell about avatar for all these years thanks for following me and giving me notes and making me laugh and making me smile and im burned out after all of this so, take care guys.

[popsiclebunny]

Still suffering even after he’s gone

I’m still having a really, really hard time coping still lately. I’ve been feeling incredibly depressed, frustrated and really, REALLY angry non stop. We suffered terribly when our dad was alive (being mean, nasty, emotionally/verbally abusive AND dragging us down terribly financially because of his debts) AND now, we’re struggling even more than before.

Our dad left us absolutely NO BACKUP PLANS, NOTHING. Not even life insurance, i’ll never understand why he stopped making payments in 2015, when he started that insurance in 2014 :| I’ll never understand why he couldn’t just sit down and be like “okay, here’s what you guys need to know in case the worse of the worse happens to me” or “man, i really need to make sure i leave something behind to help my kids”. DAMN, fucking damn!

One BIG, REALLY BIG problem our dad LEFT for us, is his mothers well being. For 4 years, he has been taking care of her financially (without the help of his brother who initially said no to helping), our dad didn’t even leave any plans to how she could be cared for in his absence. AND NOW, it falls onto us to take care of the mom, WTF????? that should NOT be our responsibility!!!! Before our dad died he was behind on 3 weeks payments ($100 a week), so I had to scurry around to desperately find $300 to send to Jamaica, so that dads GF could send that money to the nurse looking after his mom. THIS IS NOT FAIR.

I am getting absolutely fed up with spending $100 a week to take care of some women we don’t even know! The GF even tells us that the nurse is really mad because of the constant late payments, in fact, shes only taking on this job to help pay for her families funeral, damn. But now, because we can’t afford $100 a week, we are behind on at least one week payment, always! Because of this, the nurse will be quitting at the end of this month. Dads GF wants to and has found a nursing home that’s closer to where she lives (that way she can check the mom). we are running out of money to save up for next months rent AND to pay bills and other stuff. The nursing home is $340 a month, okay, we still can’t afford that either :T

Look, I AM NOT MAD AT THE GF, shes doing her damn best to help us and make sure dads mom is being taken cared of, but there’s only so much we can do, and we can’t keep sending money every week, it’s not fair, it’s not right. But dads brother, when we finally got dads phones from the hospital last week, the GF was HOPEFUL, hoping that the brother would step up and take care of the mom... but from what she tells me, he has resented the mom since he was little, and now, he’s not returning her calls, or messages, nothing, he hasn’t talked to dad since last year, so he was SHOCKED to hear about his death. OK SO? HES OUR DAD, it affected us the MOST, but we still keep our heads on and started doing whatever we could to make sure we survived. I dont give a fuck about whatever hang ups he has about his mom, he needs to take over, because I am this close to telling the GF that we won’t be sending money anymore every week, I dont care if the mom goes homeless or gets abandon by the nurse, WE CANT SURVIVE LIKE THIS.

You guys have NO idea how upset and angry I am at my dad for leaving us a big ole mess, instead of leaving us backup plans to help us in tough times. People keep saying we’ll be okay, but we won’t, we barely can make any money to survive, and now we have to worry about taking care of some women we’ve never known or met, i dont care if its his mom, shes not our problem, BUT, if we dont send money every week, shes going to become homeless and abandoned by the nurse, i feel bad for her, but damn, idk what to do anymore.

[foxcassius]

i hate the people at my job bc i’ll be like “i dont rly get paid enough here” and they’ll be like “what do you make?” and i’ll be like “$12/hr” and their brains just immediately do the math to figure out how much that is over minimum wage and then they go “hey! that’s not bad honestly! that’s sort of a lot!” and my response is always “i have student loans dickface” but also. idk i’m not actually paying on my loans rn and i still cant really afford to live on $12/hr for 36 hours a week??? and i dont know whats wrong w me because my bills are actually pretty cheap? but it feels like i pay my bills and buy gas and then dont have any money anymore so idk what to do at all.

[myuun]

i feel like every once in a while i want to make a whole rant here just for the good ol times. plus i think everyone across the world is most likely asleep or busy and i kind of like being in between that time. 

ive been meaning to rant but i feel like i dont have any right to really complain about anything really. i dont have it that bad. i have a wonderful husband. three cats. i have food and a roof (lol while it lasts). idk i feel like my complains are very minor. 

but tbh i dont really have any friends and any friends that i did/do have i kind of dont. i use the term friend... very lightly too. theyre.. people. idk i just... kind of destroy friendships and/or ignore them enough that they just kind of disappear. friendships are like a plant. i kill plants and/or forget they need water. or my cat eats them. 

i went through a period when i began dating jack that i felt so enthralled with the idea of my entire life being dedicated just for him. my everything is just... for jack. everything. i dont need anyone or anything else. i know how unhealthy it was. hell, i’m still sort of like that. of  course, jack isn’t like that back. jack is a smart human being, he has healthy relationships with many people and i just happen to be his wife. i know how much he loves me, cares for me, and when i dont dig too deep into my own insecurities of him hating me, i truly believe that we are equal in how much we care for each other.

lol when i dig though, thats another psychotic story im gonna tuck for a later cry 

i think it was last year when i got the smallest taste of a world outside of just jack. my volunteering position in the animal shelter i volunteered at escalated to assistant, and within that role, i held a lot more power than just a volunteer. i was in charge of adoptions and that... to me was power. and i loved it. i loved staying there all day writing notes into the computer, talking to people, showing them dogs. and my god, i knew i did an amazing job. i know i do. i know that i am confident, capable, and dedicated. i know. 

and for the first time, i really meant when i said, “i am good at this”. i never ever believed that... ever. I have hobbies and shit like drawing, but i never considered myself good. but i know with all my soul i was good at this. and this is the point where i discovered that this is what i wanted. i had found a bridge outside of my world dedicated to jack. and jack was happy for me. and i was unsure. but excited. 

dropped out of school, focused on working at a doggy daycare with the simple dream of one day having an actual job at the animal shelter i work at. there isnt a high turnover obviously. i told everyone. everyone. everyone. and finally... a job application. i was interviewed. 

i was a perfect candidate. my life has been a dedication and exploration of my love for animals. 

i didn’t get the job. 

i had gotten rejected many many many times. many times. 

but this is the only time where it hurt with every ounce of my being. i sobbed my eyes out. 

the only reason i didn’t get hired... was that i couldn’t drive. 

i could hear my dad laughing in the background. 

that was the only thing and i knew how important it was, but i was more than willing to learn and get a car and figure it out. i would take ubers and friends and whatever to get me to  where i need to be.  i thought that my own desperation and commitment would get me by. 

i had no money, no car, no one to teach me, but god in my heart i wanted this more than anyone. and the girl who got it... all i needed was to see who it was for my whole spirit to shatter. i didn’t know her that well, i had spoken to her a fair amount of times. i knew she had dogs, she was a foster, she worked with animals. she was radiant, a light, a beautiful girl. her entire life she knew this was for her. she hadn’t taken the courses in animal care i had, but she was ready to learn and most of all... she had a license. 

it shattered me. everyday it shatters me.

and i could get another job. 

i could. but what else is there in this city? someone tell me, anyone. I had asked everyone around me, what else? What else? Please someone GUIDE ME. 

 I have no job because I can’t legally have one due to my visa not having arrived yet. The job waiting for me is a casual job at a doggy daycare. I live in a small city where the jobs are scarce and the only thing that could possibly POSSIBLY set me straight into the animal care business would be studying. i can’t get a car to get any other possible job. hell, i can’t even afford the fee of the drivers license test. 

But I’m a girl without a job and with a dad who will be disowning her at the end of this year.  Who’s only revenue comes from her amazing husband who breaks his back working casual hours and studying. I can’t even think about studying when I don’t even have the money to pay my rent. We are so... so close to getting evicted. Inches away. 

I could get any other job, I could. And I will. But i know that if I want to stay in this city and be happy, that that is literally.. the one and only job I want and probably won’t ever get. 

 I could move. I could. But what about my cats? What about everything we have here?  I could sell everything, our TV, or couch, our kitchenware, and just go. Take the three cats, and go somewhere else in this country. But no matter where it would be, I would still be... like this. In this spot right now, in a bed, typing something that doesn’t matter because the only solution is just to have money. 

that is all. just money. i could study animal hydrotherapy if i had money. i could pay my bills on time or even buy a house if i had money. i could take driving lessons if i had money. 

i want to have faith. i want to believe in god. i want to believe that there is a reason why all this is happening. that there is a reason why this entire year so far has been so so hard. that there is a reason why this month has been so hard. 

i know its my fault. its my fault i am scared of driving. its my fault i never got my license. its my fault i don’t try hard enough to keep friendships. its my fault. but why.

why does my dad have to come to this country in the worst of times? is it to mock me? is it to show me that he is the man with all the money who could change our lives but chooses not to? 

why did a dog have to die on jacks arms? why did it have to happen? why did this have to happen at our daycare and change everything for everyone forever? 

please tell me what to do. please god, just give me ... a sign. Any sign. i love this city so much i just want to stay here and work here at a job that i love and be with my husband. i just want to work and earn a living and be happy. 

it pisses me off that i was so close... so close to feeling like i amounted to something more than just jack’s wife. 

before i met jack my life amounted to nothing. which it was so easy to give it up. so easy to call it quits and go die somewhere. my life now amounts to being jack’s wife. i dont have the option anymore to die. i can cut myself over and over but i know ill never take the plunge anymore because i cant. 

 i find it funny that when i say i dont want to die to doctors, they sound so relieved. i want to disappear. i want to disappear just for a while and wait until the world fixes whatever i cant fix. 

but i know that the world doesn’t give a shit. god doesnt give a shit. 

i found a glimpse of something else. i found a little crack that showed me that i didn’t have to be just jack’s wife. i didn’t have to dedicate my entire being to him. i always felt like jack’s knight. he is the person i will die for. i will protect. and i still am his knight. but i never felt worthy enough to be a ruler next to him. 

and i thought that if i could also show him that i can be something great too like he is, if i could show him that my life can also amount to doing other things besides being by his side, that i could prove to him... and myself, that my own life has meaning. 

i dont really know anymore. 

there is nothing i can do but wait. i can just wait until my interim visa is over and my visa arrives. i can wait for that moment. but what then, what will i do then?

i really dont see a path anymore in front of me. i dont see anything at all