#out of anyone you could have bullied you chose to bully someone who’s permanently dealing with identity confusion and dissociation

[crabussy]

not feeling very whimsyful today guys kind of wishing that I could exist with a life changing disorder without also bearing the brunt of people who for some reason have decided it is their job to try and hurt me and my friends because they don’t like the way my disorder manifests

[landonkirbyappreciation]

Could you talk a little about Landons trauma and how it impacts his actions/ choices? I never really see discussions about his character on here 😕

That’s something I really wish they would address on the show, because that’s such a huge part of Landon’s past. And I do think it definitely still affects him and it’s just not acknowledged much.

I think recently it impacted him when he lost his powers. I believe I mentioned this in another post, but I think the fact that he grew up without any family that loved him and being abused and bullied would have most likely made him feel like he wasn’t important or special to anyone. So, to me, it makes sense for him to want to be special after how horribly he was treated. I think he’s always wanted to feel like he matters, and rightfully so. And since the start of the show, he always wanted a place to belong, and being at the school made his desire to be special even greater in order to belong there. So I think he does have insecurities that he doesn’t really talk openly about, but we see it here and there. Like how he felt after losing his powers, like he was weak and wouldn’t belong at the school anymore, or with Hope. And there was also 2x11, when he expressed how he didn’t feel good enough for Hope and didn’t know why she chose him, and that he felt like he had to earn it. So I do feel like those insecurities would come from how he was treated growing up.

And another thing I really wonder about is his abuse, because we know a little about it, but not full the extent of it? What really bothers me about the show is how they have Landon, who has gone through physical abuse, continuously go through more physical pain. And extreme physical pain too, killing him over and over again, and it’s so messed up. But also part of that is the fact that Landon is so willing to go through that pain. People talk a lot about how Hope is often so willing to sacrifice herself, but it’s interesting how Landon is actually the same way. He’s very much willing to sacrifice himself, and permanently too (as we saw in 3x01) and has often volunteered to die in order to save everyone else. And don’t get me started on him drowning himself, which was dropped without really being addressed... But I do wonder if the trauma and abuse he went through could play a part in him being pretty unfazed when it comes to putting himself through more pain.

But what I think is very important and says a lot about Landon’s character is how he’s chosen to not let his past influence his actions in a negative way, or the kind of person he is or his future. We’ve seen how other characters in tvdu who had horrible upbringings and went through trauma became very angry and vengeful because of it, becoming villains, like Klaus, Katherine, and Kai, for example. And what I love about Landon is that he has chosen not to be angry or want revenge, but just wants to be a good person and treat others well. I think he’s a very empathetic person in general, but he is particularly when it comes to characters experiencing similar situations to what he did. Landon mentioned that he used to shut people out because of what it was like in the foster system, and Hope had also shut people out at the start of the show. And also like Hope, he had had a difficult time trusting others after being hurt by so many people, so I think him understanding some of what Hope was feeling at the time impacted the way he was there for her.

And that also goes for the way he treated Wade and became his friend when Wade didn’t have any friends and had been ignored and picked on. Or how he wanted to help Sebastian when he was wanting to stay at the school and when Sebastian opened up to him about his abuse. So he really reaches out to others who are going through similar situations to what he went through. And sometimes he can go too far with that, like with what he did with MG and his dad, but he really did have the best intentions. I didn’t see it as him pushing his problems onto someone else, I saw it as him wanting to prevent someone else from going through the pain that he went through. But while that didn’t work out, it worked out very well for Raf and his dad. So despite how it turns out sometimes, I think he does want others to have what he didn’t, and makes a real effort to do all he can to help.

And I believe his trauma has also impacted his values as well. Because growing up without a home or a family has made him really value those things and the people close to him. Not that he wouldn’t have otherwise, but I think it’s only made his desire for a family and a home greater. And now that he has those things, he does not take them for granted. He is incredibly loyal, particularly to Hope and Raf, who are both his real family at this point (while also always respecting Hope’s family and their importance to her as well), and we’ve seen how hard he fights for them. And he seems to also really try his best to be happy with what he has, despite all the crap he still deals with.

So overall, I think how he’s dealt with his trauma shows that he is incredibly resilient and is always working hard to be better, but at the same time there are still probably a lot negative impacts that I really wish they’d explore on the show. But obviously I’m no expert about any of this, and there are probably some things I forgot to mention, but these are just some of my thoughts about it. And wow, that got really long, sorry.

[bugaboosandbees]

Reine Ruse Part 5

Hello all! I finished this chapter a bit early, so I figured that I'd post it a bit early!

There's a LOT going on emotionally in this chapter, and I only hope that I managed to do it justice. I am writing from my own limited experiences, so if you see anything I missed or handled in a way that feels wrong to you, please let me know.

It means the world to me that so many of you are interested in these dumb ramblings. Thank you all so, SO much for reading!

As always, if you’d like to be tagged, shoot me a message! (And please remind me if I forgot to tag you... computers are hard!)

Chloe

Chloe lay back in bed, resting one hand over the necklace that now hung around her neck, the silver metal seeming too little a weight for its importance. Her new kwami and partner, Trixx, was happily burrowed into a den she’d made him out of one of her dresser drawers and several of her fluffiest winter scarves. Her head was still spinning.

Tikki had left after setting the necklace down on the table between them. “As soon as you pick it up, Trixx will appear. They’ll explain everything.” Her eyes had softened. “Thank you, Chloe. It will be nice to know that someone has her back.”

Chloe had stared at her determinedly. “I won’t let her down.”

“I know.” Tikki had smiled and then vanished into the night.

Chloe had stared down at the necklace for some time, noting the way that the silver metal reflected the light in the room. Finally, she had reached down. As soon as she’d touched the chain, she’d had to close her eyes against the blinding orange light that had erupted. When she’d opened them, there was an orange fox-like being the same size as Tikki and Pollen in front of her.

“Hello,” they’d said, “My name is Trixx, and I’m your kwami! Tikki’s explained the situation to me. I can’t believe what my previous kit did that to Ladybug, but I thank you for taking care of her. I’m looking forward to getting to know you, and I know that you won’t make the same mistake.”

Chloe wasn’t quite sure what to make of Trixx. They were different from Pollen… Pollen was kind and quiet. In the few moments Chloe had had with her, she seemed pretty content to cave to Chloe’s judgment. Although Trixx put on a playful front, they seemed wise and looked at her like they knew a secret she didn’t. She had the feeling that this was a kwami that wouldn’t let their wielder get away with the kinds of things she’d done as Queen Bee at first. She wasn’t going to lie, that was reassuring.

Trixx had explained the powers of the fox to her in as much detail as she could wring out of them. She was going to be the best damn superhero partner Ladybug could ever dream of having, and she couldn’t look anything short of competent her first time out. Illusions were going to be new. She was a bit annoyed that the fox miraculous sounded less combative than the bee, and she must have looked it.

“Don’t underestimate the power of perception, kit.” He’d looked around her room. “You seem like the sort of person who knows what lies people tell themselves, and how far they’re willing to go to cling to those illusions. You may not be able to paralyze your foes physically as a fox hero, but if you figure out what matters most to them, you’ll paralyze them mentally, which is infinitely more fatal.”

She’d thought about what Trixx had said and concluded that they were right. When they’d put it that way, she’d started to see that her new power set was more suited to her than she’d thought. She’d grown up in a high-class world of glitz and glamour, learning early on that no one could truly be trusted to not want to use her as a connection to her parents. She’d spent more years than she’d like to admit lying to herself that her mother’s abandonment and her father’s passivity in her life didn’t hurt her, that they really were the perfect family they pretended to be for the press, and that she bullied Marinette Dupain-Cheng because she hated her -- not because she was jealous of the other girl’s boundless kindness and loving home. She could do this. She knew what people wanted and how far they were willing to go to get it. She knew how people lied to themselves and what kind of pain those lies could cause. She could do this, she could use the few, shitty lessons her parents had sought fit to teach her for some kind of good. She had to -- Ladybug was counting on her.

Marinette

Marinette awoke to sunlight streaming over her face. She stretched, still half asleep, and curled her toes into the soft blanket. She felt so relaxed...  She turned her head and slowly opened her eyes to find Tikki sitting on the small bed she’d fashioned for her, eyes closed as a shimmering red glow emanating from her, covering the entire bed.  

“Tikki? What’s going on?”

Tikki slowly opened her eyes. “Good morning, Marinette. I… I thought that after last night, you deserved a really good night’s sleep. Just think of it as a bit of kwami magic.”

Marinette smiled softly. What had she done to deserve Tikki? “Thank you, Tikki.”

The red glow dissipated as Tikki rose into the air, hovering over her charge. “And, it’s Saturday, which means that you should be able to work on the dress you’ve been meaning to finish!”

Her eyes lit up. “You’re right! I’ve been so busy, but all I have to do this weekend is the history report, and I’ve already picked out my sources, so that shouldn’t take too long!” She rose out of bed, clambered down the ladder to the floor, and stretched, arms raised high over her head.

“... Marinette,” Tikki sounded almost hesitant. “There is something I should tell you before you get to work.”

Marinette looked up at Tikki questioningly. “What is it?”

The tiny god sighed. “Last night… after you went to sleep, I was just so worried about you, and about everything happening with Chat Noir… I was so angry. I went to visit the Guardian, and when he didn’t share my concerns… I chose a new permanent hero myself.”

“What?” Whatever she’d been expecting, that was not it.

Tikki barreled on. “And, I couldn’t take the turtle or the bee, so… I took the fox. I know that things have been complicated with Alya lately, but I didn’t even consider that before I went last night, and I know that the person I picked is someone who is going to really protect you, but I don’t want to make anything more complicated between you and Alya --”

“Tikki, Tikki, it’s okay. I… with everything that’s happening with Chat lately… it will be really nice to have some back up that I can count on. And, as for Alya…” she quieted. “I’m not sure I’d be able to put my feelings aside enough to trust her in battle right now. Honestly, I was dreading the next time my Lucky Charm would call for the fox because Master Fu tells me to choose people that I trust, and… I’m not sure if I can trust her anymore.”

Tikki flew down to rest a comforting paw on Marinette’s cheek. “It’s okay, Marinette. Everything’s going to be okay. For now, why don’t we get to work on that dress?”

Marinette nodded and turned towards the half-finished gown on her mannequin with a determined smile. Her kwami was on her side, and she had someone new that she could trust to watch her back. She’d deal with Chat when she had to, but, for now, Tikki was right -- it was time to do something she enjoyed, and she wasn’t going to let anything taint that.

Adrien

Adrien had been pacing his room for hours. He was so tired, but he hadn’t been able to sleep at all the last night. Every time he’d tried, he’d seen the fear in his Lady’s eyes as she’d run from him the previous night. How had he not recognized it? How terrible of a person was he that his Lady’s fear hadn’t been enough to make him see what he was doing was wrong? Why had both Chloe and Plagg had to set him straight?

It was clear that he’d need to do more than just apologize. He wanted to kick himself. He’d thought he’d been doing things right -- he’d just wanted Ladybug to know how much he cared about her. But he’d forgotten his duty to the city -- and to his partner. His Bugaboo was right -- first and foremost, they were superheroes. And he’d been acting like a jealous anime protagonist. He thought of how he felt when Lila or the models he worked with would hang off of him and flirt and invade his space and felt sick. Of all people, you’d think he’d be the one to realize when someone’s boundaries were being crossed!

He paused in his pacing and leaned his forehead up against the cool glass of the window. He had no idea how to fix this. When it had happened to him, he’d either just dealt with it, in Lila’s case, or his father had filed restraining orders. Neither option was viable here, and, frankly, his stomach churned at the thought of exiling himself from the only person felt like he was really himself with.

The crux of the problem was that he needed advice. Plagg seemed to have exhausted his short bout of wisdom, maintaining that he made this problem, and it was his responsibility to fix it. The tiny god had been more affectionate than usual, curling up in the hollow where Adrien’s neck met his shoulder rather than on the small bed Adrien had fashioned for him next to the cheese cupboard. His kwami’s support despite his monumental screw up was the only thing keeping him optimistic that he might be able to fix this somehow. But who else could he go to for advice? He couldn’t talk to anyone as Adrien, that was for sure. If word got back to the press that he’d behaved the way Chat Noir had, Agreste Fashions would get enough bad press that he was sure he’d never leave the house again. But who did he know as Chat, besides his Lady?

The answer hit him like a bolt of lightning. Of course! Who better for a superhero to ask for advice than the famous Ladyblogger?

Alya

Whatever Alya Cesaire had been expecting to happen that Saturday morning, it certainly wasn’t one of the two superheroes of Paris knocking sheepishly on her window, much less that the superhero in question was Chat Noir. She hurried to open the window and let him in, mind racing.

“Chat Noir! What’s up?” She exclaimed. Internally, she was confused. Chat didn’t know she was Rena Rouge, so, unless Ladybug told him, he wasn’t here to recruit her for a fight… But it was unusual for him to stop by -- for that matter, how did he figure out where she lived?

“Hey, Alya,” he muttered, dragging a clawed hand through his hair in a gesture that was uncharacteristically nervous for the confident superhero. His eyes looked a bit watery through the mask. Had he been crying? “I know this is kinda strange, but, I don’t really know many people as Chat, and I needed some advice… If you’re busy, I can totally leave, I didn’t mean to impose, I mean, you’re probably busy and --” he looked like he was working himself up into a frenzy. Just what was going on? “Chat Noir! Calm down, it’s fine, I’m not busy. Why don’t you have a seat?” Alya quickly dumped the stack of school books on her computer chair to the floor.

He complied, sitting ramrod straight, knees pressed together, and hands clasped in his lap. She raised an eyebrow.

“Alright,” she said slowly, “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on.” Chat looked down at his hands. “I really messed up.”

“What do you mean?” she questioned. Was it something to do with an akuma? No, she’d have heard about that… But what else could he mean?

“It’s… Ladybug. I… I’ve been an awful partner and a worse friend, and I don’t know how to fix it!” His voice rose in distress near the end of the sentence, and he clenched his hands so tightly Alya was sure that, if he hadn’t been wearing a super-suit, his fingernails would have dug bloody crescents into his palms.

“Slow down there, tiger. What do you mean by that?” Alya’s mind was racing. What had happened between Paris’ heroes? Sure, Ladybug seemed to be running off pretty quickly after each battle lately, but that wasn’t super out of character… If only she’d been able to get closer to the fighting, she might know what was going on! “I know that Ladybug really values you as her partner, she’s made that really clear in the past. If you’re worried that she thinks you’re not pulling your weight, I’m sure she’d be the first person to tell you --”

“That’s not it!” He broke in, anguished. “I -- I’m kind of a shut-in in my civilian life. My d-parents are really overprotective, so I don’t get to leave the house much, and I guess I’m kind of clueless socially. I thought that I was… I thought that I was just flirting, but I… I’ve been harassing Ladybug and I think she’s scared of me, and I don’t know what to do to fix it, because I can’t just apologize --” his breaths were coming faster and faster.

Being friends with Marinette, as much as that had gone south lately, Alya knew how to deal with a panic attack. She rested her hands firmly on Chat Noir’s shoulders. “Listen to me, you need to breathe with me. Can you do that? In…  and out. In… and out. In… and out. Just focus on breathing. In… and out.” She could think about how strange this was, and how in over her goddamn head she was later. She kept up a steady stream of soothing words until Chat Noir’s stabbing, choppy breaths had leveled off.

“Are you alright? Do you need me to get you anything?” She looked at the superhero, worried.

“I’m… I’m fine. I just need advice. How do I fix this?”

Alya paused. “Well, I’m not sure exactly what happened, but you’re her partner and I’m sure that you can come back from this. It may not be easy, or fast, and the friendship that you have may never be quite the same as it was, but I think she’ll see you’re sincere. If things are as bad as you say they are, it might not be right away, or even soon, and you need to be okay with that. I’m… I’m sorry too. I’ve helped make it worse.”

Chat looked up at her. “What do you mean?”

Alya sighed. “The picture of the kiss from when you were battling Oblivio? She told me not to post it, but I did anyway.” She smiled ruefully. “It looks like quite a few of us have had trouble respecting her boundaries. Just, respect her opinion from here on in. Apologize, be sincere, and act in a way that shows that you’ve learned your lesson and you’ll never do something like that again. Don’t push her. If all you ever are to each other is fellow heroes from here on in, you need to make your peace with that. Okay?” She maintained eye contact with him, watching as tides of rolling emotions passed over his face.

“Thank you, Alya.” He finally said quietly. He paused. “Would it be possible to film an apology for the Ladyblog? I… I don’t know if any civilians have been close enough to see my behavior, but, just in case, I want them to know that I know that I was wrong and that the way I was acting isn’t something any of us should stand for.”

Alya offered him a bittersweet grin. “I think we can manage that.”

As Alya was setting up her equipment for the video, a thought struck her. “Hey Chat, if you don’t mind me asking, I mean, I’m grateful that you trusted me enough to come to ask me for advice, but, I was wondering, why didn’t you go to Lila? I mean, you’re so much closer to her, and the girl’s aunt is a world-renowned counselor, surely she could have given you better advice?”

Chat was still distracted and fidgeting, unsure of what he was supposed to say on the video. Without seeming to think about it, he scoffed, “Why would I go to Lila? She lies like she breathes, and she hates Ladybug so much she tried her best to separate us when Onichan attacked.”

Alya sucked in a breath as if someone had punched her, and Chat seemed to realize what he had said. “ Shit, shit, forget I ever said that Alya!”

Alya’s voice was small and deadly. “Why?”

“I mean,” he looked unsure, “She’s been akumatized three times already and M’Lady is pretty sure that two of those were willingly, and every time someone calls her out on her lies it happens again, and I’m sure if we just give her a chance to get better on her own it would be better than telling everyone she’s lying and just getting her akumatized again.”

Alya was having trouble processing. “Wait. You said she was akumatized three times? Wasn’t she only akumatized twice.”

Seeming resigned, Chat shook his head. “You remember Heroes day? Before Hawkmoth turned himself into Scarlet Moth, he gave everyone in Paris negative feelings by showing them that illusion. That was Volpina. And,” his eyes darted back and forth, “I mean, this is speculation, but Hawkmoth can only akumatize one person at a time, and he wasn’t active as Scarlet Moth yet, and M’Lady and I never purified Volpina that day… which means he must have called back the akuma himself…” his voice got quieter “which means she might have… been akumatized willingly.”

Her world was spinning. If that was true, it would mean… “What have I done?”

Chat looked over at her, puzzled at the horror she was sure was etched all over her face. “Alya? What’s wrong?”

Did he really not understand? Okay, Cesaire, calm down. He’d said he was sheltered, but damn this was pushing it. Still, he had come to her, so she’d give him the benefit of the doubt. “Did you really think that it would be better to let her keep lying?”

“I mean, I guess? She’s not really hurting anyone, and she’ll never get better if we don’t give her a chance?”

A scoff broke out before she could hold it back. “Sorry, but…” she thought for a moment before it hit her. “How does Hawkmoth make akumas?”

“He uses people’s negative emotions.”

“Exactly. Look, I know that you’re a superhero and you wouldn’t know this, but… well, Lila’s in my class at school. If what you’re telling me is true, she’s been lying to us since she got there. And… those lies have had consequences. I mean, the Ladyblog is the prime source of akuma alerts and information. If it got out that I’d posted false information,” she winced, “people might not trust my blog anymore, and it wouldn’t be able to serve its function. I’ve wanted to be a journalist my entire life, Chat Noir. If I lose people’s trust in my journalistic integrity… that’s almost the worst thing I can imagine.” She took a deep and bracing breath. “I say almost the worst, because,” she paused, clenching her fists, “something worse has already happened. You probably don’t know her, but my… best friend, her name is Marinette. God, because I didn’t want to believe Lila was lying, I don’t know if I even have the right to call her that anymore. I shouted at her on Lila’s behalf and insulted and… bullied her, these past few weeks. Lila told us all such ugly lies about her, and I believed her. Forget the blog, what kind of negative emotions do you think I’m feeling right now, knowing that I might have ruined the first, most meaningful friendship I made in Paris?” She was crying, she realized.

He looked shocked. “I… I never thought about it that way.”

She wiped the tears out of her eyes almost violently. “It looks like we both have a lot to make up for. Now, let’s get started.”

Tags: 

@demydreamer-otaku-and-book-lover , @anastasian-dreamer, @donegonewrong , @twinkletoes-rp , @asandygraves , @fatimaabbasrizvi , @im-here-for-the-content , @theorangelizard , @captainrose35 , @pleasefollowmeuwu , @the-ice-goddess , @ofpassionsandobsessions, @starberry-mina, @mikantsume, @bloody-no-kissu , @chocolatemilk52

[mykpopconfession]

k-pop is so very interesting even from a business point of view. there’s no messing about the companies have the reigns over the idols but the idols sign contracts without thinking. I will never get the fuss over an idol? I don’t really care to care about them specifically k-pop as a whole is not music its business. fans need to understand that contracts aren’t permanent even if idol groups didn’t last long, which the majority don’t these days

fans need to understand that they can’t and don’t have possession over their idols no matter who they like or love, no matter if they are sasaeng or not this righteous behavior and claiming of biases is the reason why fans don’t have much interest in their own life, they’d rather pour it into someone from another country in a way it’s oh so interesting because why are the idols surprised? why are fans bothered about stalking? when something like stalking it is bound to happen, come on. but I was watching the stray kids interview with the Australian network out of pure curiosity, the problem is the way “their dreams” have been marketed as is why they have a lack of privacy 

they act like they didn’t have a clue what they were actually signing up for, it’s not a regular 9 to 5 job with night shifts, I don’t really get the pity party they kind of throw in interviews where they say things like oh it’s so hard and tiring to be an idol or the tours are exhausting and taxing or I only got paid this much I had to live with others in a low rented apartment but again did they expect luxury straight away?

no at the beginning especially if they are foreign of course its gonna seem wrong and even toxic or unhealthy working environment it’s business

is they think they can get by with doing just one or two dance routine sand call it a night? no cause there’s so much more than just dance. if young ppl are so easily swayed by this dream then they really need to think about it because it’s not realistic, nothing about doing what any celebrity does is ever going to be realistic and I think it’s one of the things where ppl go oooh I wanna be like that dancing away on stage and doing tours

it's not just about dance, it’s naturally going to be such a hard working environment where the companies are gonna expect more from the frisbees and if they don’t put 100% in well, they’re gonna take years before they debut. they don’t just go yep that guy can earn more than others and get treated differently or better

the idols are just pawns for the companies but obsession for the fans, contracts are gonna end if and when they break them, so i don’t get why idols or fans got so worked up over hyuna and whoever it was when rules are rules if they don’t stick by them then adios 

at the start it would be like any other part time job, bc they going expecting to go straight to the top so they can get well paid enough but get away with doing whatever they like or not be treated so harshly well, then its going to be the opposite approach bc it doesn’t just gravitate to them they might generate some hype but there’s too ,any it’s overbearing and you have to really be so,etching other than another hype train if they want to really go to the top, bts mint be the top but they certainly aren’t all they cracked up to be because they wanted to go for this kind of dream now i feel like they could care less hence awful music that hasnt been up to their usual standard

if they’ve got to give so much to the fans be it online or otherwise the fans are naturally going to be obsessed they’re naturally going to stalk because the idols are part of the problem. they encourage streaming, voting, bullying others for just sharing opinion online, it’s stupid. I feel like the way idols encourage backlash by engaging in it shows to me they don’t really know how to deal with it again, what do idols expect? when this is what they sign up for. the purpose of idol is so the fans feel like they have connection to them in some form of way as twisted as it is, so no one should be shocked that when an idol does something out of the normal behaviour or acts up on social media, then later comes back grovelling and being all self pity just so fans feel bad

it seems that the idols and fans are somewhat alike because the fans easily bash both the idols and others for speaking against the idol if they don’t agree with what is being said or done, but then when it comes to the idol suddenly it’s the other way around and the idol speaks up or tries to be the mediator in the very drama they created and evoked

this is what happens in 2020, kpop might be all about mental health and being respectful of one another but they sure as hell don’t act on it when it really comes down to the things they do and say that could easily be avoided, the idols seem to quickly respond to shit but then get surprised when they get told off? I mean what do you expect? sunshine and rainbows 24/7? I don’t think so the k-pop idols r the reason sasaeng behavior exists, the company can do as much as they like to try and protect but it’s always going to be there because this whole idol fan dynamic where the fans feel they should have every bit of their idol in their life as much as possible 

it’s exactly like me going to my workplace and expecting to get more pay when what I receive at the moment is minimum wage, they don’t shoot to the top, it’s naturally going to be a tiring exhausting environment to be in the public eye, u don’t have to be in it to know that either but this is what they chose for themselves so they can’t expect anything more they can’t have raged on social media whining about fans who follow them around cause again it’s in the contracts that they signed for or did they forget about it? it seems to me idols would rather blame someone or something else for making the choices that they did than to face the music or deal with the public

no one really could see the racism coming from when bts went to the west? do u all really think that western artists actually adore them or it’s because their another hype train to hop in the bandwagon… they mention bts, get articles written, draws in fan's attention equals to that artist trending using bts or any other group 

the thing is it seems that idols don’t know how much they encourage fan behavior be it good or bad, they are the influence over the influenced. they are the driving force for whatever is said and done about them or to them just cause they’re in the system means nothing can go unscathed, the company watches them so if when they decide to do something that could potentially damage the reputation of course the company is going act on it potentially by removing said member from the group but again kpop is business

its not about the fans when it comes to money or reputation it’s about whether the idol is suited enough to be considered part of the group, whether they did anything wrong doesn’t matter, the companies will handle it how they think is best for both the company and group, the fans can be whiny about it but rules are put in place not to be broken 

the other thing is that fans act like they don’t cause any problems either, they never apologise to kaachi for bullying those girls, whom i felt sorry for, when it comes to their precious idols they demand apologies for them whether it’s from company, or some random article writer, radio person, whatever. the double standards both from the fans and idols are the reason why it’s never peaceful or easy going for anyone in the kpop business 

plus it strikes me that for whatever reason the idols that get up to stuff they really should know better about or speak just a little too much about unimportant matters or get shocked and react badly to what’s being said about them when it’s their actions and their choices lead them to be heavily watched so it’s just as much their responsibility as it is the fans, sasaengs whatever whoever, because they’re in the public eye, of course, they’re not gonna get privacy, of course, stalking is gonna occur, and of course there is going to be a backlash and they act like they don’t have a clue about how much of what they do really has the opposite effect and that is why it is the way it is

[darkmindsthinktwistedthoughts]

The Gith and the Cherub

This is based on the characters for the fic series by @notsafefortum-blr . 

When the war is ended and a prophecy awakens what happens when one that knows all meets one that feels everything? 

Hope you enjoy this little side tale from Limbo - Aerion x

Warnings: Issues surrounding bullying, possible emotional triggers.

Masterlist

—

The Gith and the Cherub

We are all part of a circle. Circles in circles, the never-ending life cycle of the multiverse. What was thought to be the end is only the beginning and sometimes what is the beginning spells the end. Destiny, hands of fate, luck… they all play but a small part. The biggest contender in the direction of life and existence is a small but infinitely powerful thing, Free Will.  What you chose to do with yours will take you on a journey through the sands of time and show you the path you make for yourself. It can change everything. This is but one of the things in the cosmos that has faded into obscurity over time and been forgotten.

---

Soft warming light shone down on the plain and danced playfully over the surface of the many clusters of pools that adorned the ground like sparkling jewels. The cultivated landscape exists purely as a means of protection and growth. This plain of creation is completely flat, the weather system is devoid of storms and is essentially one big incubator. There was only one very small dwelling here and only one inhabitant. They were both as young and old as time itself. The life energy created here is destined to travel to other realms.

Flux was moving along well-trodden familiar pathways, picking his footing between and around the edges of the primordial soup that shimmered in translucent swirls. The short friendly looking creature had a comforting aura and its nurturing nature made it a perfect choice to give it leave to tend the pools. A long-handled wooden oar like tool in their hands was the all they had to conduct their duty.

 They had seen many things in their existence. After all, these pools off creation give birth to life… all life. There is no bias on good or evil in the same way that death also holds no dominion here.

Flux has no concept of time in a conventional sense they simply feel the shift in space and know when to stir the pools and which to move to next. That was when they saw an unusual thing... a three spawn. All life is precious and these were “touched”. The energy flow was different it had an undercurrent running deeply through it that spoke silently of hidden power.

These three were blessed and destined to go to the upper plains. The curious thing about them overall was not just the hidden depth they possessed, or even that they were to be born as three together. It was that one of the small creations was not like the other two. If they were light then surely this one had absorbed all the shadow, one of these creatures was black. There in its pool, it shimmered like trapped smoke and dying embers nestled against two white pearls like a very rare gem. It seemed to be slightly larger. Whatever happened it was clear that one would be birthed first.

---

The sounds of a quill scratching over parchment travelled in the air like the swirling dust that was always present in the small room. The dust carried many things, memories, emotions, futures. The ink written on the parchments were records of them. Permanent documentations and reminders of the floating wealth of cosmic enlightenment. Every particle was a small stitch in the tapestry of time itself. Every one of them was no less deserving than the last of record and diligently they were written for the archives.

After documenting one prophecy, the ink spatters over the vellum. The thick glossy black as pitch liquid was quickly blotted but the damage had been done. The words on the page were lost in parts and completely vanished in others. With no memory of what was written, it was simply shelved and forgotten.

The only comfort to be found in this small transgression was that it was very unlikely that an event should transpire where a black angel should be placed in heaven. The incident was quickly forgotten the dust continued to fall, its knowledge absorbed by the quill and more records were written.

---

Nothingness. That was what he surrounded himself in now and it was like a mirror to his soul. All that had happened was too much for the great gith. The loss of all those lives weighed heavy on his mind and had crushed all emotion out of his body but the hatred he felt at the situation. No perhaps hatred was the wrong word for what he felt. His task had been clear, a duty not so much bestowed on him as shackled to him.

His mind had kept track of the balance. He had calculated it to the most finite detail and yet none of it had mattered in the end. It didn’t have to go that way someone could have done something, changed something. In the end, it was he who had to end that war. Dragging them all to a different plain the innocent and guilty together. He watched as they fell, he felt the loss, he counted the masses and he came up wanting.

The balance was wrong, and the balance must be maintained. But how do you balance a tally sheet when you are missing so many vital parts? You plan, you adapt, you change just enough that you can make those parts again. It takes time and luckily for the gith, time was something he had in abundance. If no other would see as he did his task was clear. They would all feel the weight and loss because of their choices, the balance would be restored.

---

There were no words left to describe how it felt. It was overwhelming and everything was just a crushing painful blow. They couldn’t talk to the others about it. Michael and Orion had their own studies to deal with and Mother and Father were so busy… no all this would do would worry them and they didn’t wish to be a burden. They already suffered the stigma of having a child like her. The glances and whispers, after all, who would be the “Blackbird” in heaven?

The barbed words and forked tongues of the other cherubs were a daily assault. And there was always that one group, the perfect group. They not only fitted the description of an angel but they were the poster children for it in all its glory. When it had started it had been easy enough to ignore. The name calling, the pranks and jokes and her expense. Yes, it had hurt but this was more now.

Aerion had gone to meet a “friend” or at least that is what she had thought at the time. And now she was running through the undergrowth in Eden tears running down her dirt-stained cheeks sobbing as she tried to find somewhere, anywhere to avoid any more attacks. They had taunted her till she was on the verge of tears, they had bound her wings and twisted her feathers. They had been burnt when the flames defended her and she had screamed when they threw salt water into the open cuts on her skin as they punished her for her existence.

A passing guard had broken up the group. It would be dealt with silently with as few people knowing the details as possible but that didn’t make it right. It didn’t make it go away. God how she wished she could leave, just disappear… see, feel, be… nothing.

At the centre of Eden is a tree as old as the plain, time flows in its veins, knowledge gathers in its ripe fruit and its canopy of leaves creates a feeling of comfort for those that find it. Aerion came crashing down into the soft grass by its roots. Trembling, cold and hurting. The blood crusting over on her arms and legs pulling tight as she curled into a defensive ball and shook. She closed her eyes and the tears she had held back kept flowing, the wish to be completely nothing growing.

---

It was a small sound. It was like an animal, a small wounded creature in the darkness. Dakkan had not felt the direct shift of things he had not sensed an intruder and yet here one was. A very small, out of place creature in his personal space.

To all the realms this little cherub would have been nothing but another angel if it had not been for her unusual appearance. The blackened wings that looked like chard and dying embers of a fire, that bright red hair with golden highlights. Dakkan had seen and forgotten far more than most in one life cycle of the cosmos and it was the arrival of this little angel that now captured his interest.

They were asleep. It did not appear to be a restful slumber, and from the looks of the condition of the small creature, he could easily guess why. He should send her away, he should send her back… instead, he remained close by in silent vigil contemplating his own thoughts whilst the dark angel slept.

---

Stirring from the restless slumber Aerion shuddered as she tried to open her wings a little and stretch to move. It was strange. There was no breeze, no light, no dark just endless grey swirling around her. She felt like she was on solid ground and yet there was none to be seen. To anyone else she imagined it might be scary but it was actually the most comforting thing, she had felt in a while. So, this was nothingness.

Aerion looked around herself in wonder at the strange place devoid of all landmarks and points of interest. She felt it before she saw it. Eyes looking at her. She was used to it the staring, the weighted looks that came fully loaded with unvoiced opinions and judgement, but this felt different. There was no such feeling from this gaze.

Her eyes flickered like a flame in the darkness as turned and saw a much larger creature observing her from a small distance away. The green skin was bound in bandages on his limbs, the only real items of clothing were a pair of baggy trousers similar to what a monk might wear tucked into the leg bindings and a small sleeveless vest. It had clawed feet and hands which looked as if it could easily section up a body in a matter of seconds. Whatever this creature was it was not something that she was likely to meet in Heaven.  It made no attempt to move it just stayed perfectly still returning her look with a set of sunken eggshell white eyes.

“Hello.” Aerion’s small voice seemed even louder in this void of space. Thinking it rude to say nothing at all she thought she should at least greet whoever this was.

“Know peace child.” The voice that replied seemed to be mostly in her own mind. It felt a little disconnected but she sensed nothing malicious in it. If the creature had intended her harm it had already had ample opportunity.

Time felt as if it was passing very slowly. It was quiet here and peaceful. The lack of distraction save for the one creature that almost felt like a guardian of sorts was comforting after everything that happened usually. It was in the silence of this void that Aerion just sat motionless, breathing steadily for the first time since she could remember and allowed herself to fell nothing.

---

The unusual occurrence had happened so many times since that first time that by now it was hardly a surprise for him to find the little cherub in his realm. Sometimes she had been in tears sometimes she had already finished crying but each time she had shown him something genuine and familiar in its raw state.

There was something calming about her. It was probably that fact that for one so young she had the peculiar ability to also not feel a need to pass some form of preconceived judgement on others. It was in her nature, as he well knew. But he also knew what it was like confined to a mould of another’s design.

“Dakkan?” He turned his head to Aerion and waited for her to speak. It had taken a few days of her slipping into nothingness before she had actually spoken to him properly but now it was as if it had always been like this. “This is going to sound like a really dumb question.”

“Know there are no such things as dumb questions Aerion. There are only ones that seek a truth and ones that prefer to not see it.”

“Alright… I asked King Elohim about the garden. I really wanted to try to understand…”

“What was it you wished to understand?” Dakkan had turned his head away as Aerion spoke. His full attention remained on her absolutely but his focus had shifted to the curious “gift” she had brought for him. A brightly coloured confection from her home. A cupcake. It looked so out of place in the grey expanse that he almost felt his mouth twitch into a smile as the simplistic childlike gesture of gift giving.

“I wanted to know why everything had to be shaped into the same form. I mean it looks pretty but it also looked so wrong at the same time. I just can’t figure out what is so bad about leaving things to create themselves.”

“Realms are a reflection on the soul of its creator.” His words came out as a harsh truth.

“So, it is his preference to have things conform and fit in unity?”

Dakkan did not miss the twitch in her expression as she mulled over this information. She was the peculiar irregularity of his current time. She was hurt and hurting and still found the ability to care and show empathy for others. She wished to know and she wanted to hear both sides of a tale. She was everything prophecy had foretold. Something about that stirred a nearly forgotten feeling inside him.

---

Very little changed in Heaven. The manicured and highly cultivated land sprawled out before his feet in majestic glory as the sun crested on the horizon of the plane of Eden. The soft plush grass gave way beneath his feet as he moved towards the meeting point. It was rare to be “summoned” but there was no doubt in his mind that that is what this was.

“If you wished to see me you could have come to the palace.” Elohim’s smile was as soft as he could make it as he drew closer to the tall figure standing at the gate of Eden.

“You know I could not. I am not here for official business.”

“Friends are always welcome Dakkan.” Elohim suppressed an exasperated sigh. “So? What is this about?”

“Know that when you speak to a child that your words have both the power to guide and crush in equal measure.” Dakkan’s voice had not changed but there was a definitive threat in his words. He was not amused by something.

“Child?” Elohim inclined his head trying to recall anything that might have caused this uncharacteristic response from the great gith.

“You forget so easily. One of your own that should not be so easily forgotten? She is a gift.” Dakkan was doing a fine job of controlling his movements but the authority in his voice with which he spoke was one that made Elohim wonder if the realm should tremble.

“You mean the little firebird? What is she to you?” An image of the little black winged angel flashed before his eyes. How he had found her in the gardens looking at the plants, the wonder on her face, the sadness in her eyes as he explained the design. When had she even met the gith?

“Know that if you do nothing I shall.” Now this was unusual Dakkan never showed interest in anyone and here he was willing to lecture over the correct care and treatment of another?

“I do not turn my back on my own. She shall be cared for.”

“Yes, she shall.” Dakkan’s muttered words were lost as he stepped back through the gate and left the King standing alone.

---

Panting. The air felt thick as she tried to draw breath and all she could taste was the familiar metallic tang in her mouth where she had bitten her lip so hard to prevent those tears and cries from escaping her in front of them all. Heaven had “dealt” with the issue. That is what was said but the reality was that they had just changed the game. The way in which they could get to her. How they punished her for being different.

Her feet hurt as she stumbled blindly over rocks into the wilder side of Eden. It was raw beauty here. She had felt it the moment she saw it, it was just like coming home. More so than wandering the manicured gardens around the Palace. But she couldn’t stop to admire it as she ploughed on through the undergrowth.

Once she was certain enough distance was behind her she slowed and tried to gather her bearings. It was harder to pinpoint your location here. The natural chaos of the growth around her should have been unreadable but to her, it was as clear as any map. She found the river easily and walked its bank a little before realising she should be returning home.

She had wandered further today than before, the water of the river suddenly dropped and she could hear the tumbling water crashing over the cliff. A childish playful idea of seeing a rainbow meant she ran recklessly to the edge. The sun was yet to leave so she should be able to see one if she could see the water spray carried on the wind.

Aerion smiled as she tried to hold out her hand and grab the colours floating in the air. Her eyes drifted past them and noticed a run-down dwelling hidden in the space at the bottom of the ravine. What is that?

---

[ion0ra]

Story Time

So, as a lot of you who've ever seen my family posts will understand, they're pretty messed up. Like, there's lighter things from just bad jokes, to things like full-on bigotry and abuse.

I wanna lay it all out, because I was thinking about it and wanted to get it off my chest.

So, there are 3 kinds of messed up with my parents, all their own special brew of abusive and neglectful.

So, you have my mother. She seems like a typical Southern mom on the surface. You can see her at church. At Wal-Mart. Dresses kinda trashy. Big & loud hair, and bad teeth. But if you knew her for longer than a week, you started to get this vibe from her you couldn't quite put your finger on until you REALLY knew her.

She's one of the few people I genuinely hate in this world. Growing up, she called me names (to my face) like "fat," "stupid," and other such names, and constantly verbally demeaned, bullied, and abused me (she'd constantly "joke" about things she disapproved of, sometimes even so far as to physically do things to me I'd rather not discuss publicly; she'd withhold information from me constantly, the list goes on. When my parents were talking about getting divorced, she took me to the Taco Bueno/Raising Cane's parking lot shortly after my birthday and told me and made me choose right then and there who I wanted to live with (which is a whole other emotional experience.)) She'd do things from her "jokes," to the "punishment" she came up with where every time I said something she didn't like, she'd slap my face.

Point blank. Didn't matter where or when it was, she did it. More often than not, it was whenever she felt like.

And then there was the privacy invasions. At first, it seemed logical (for someone who's grown up like that) that she saw everything. All my game accounts were linked to hers, and she knew my school-assigned email address (they used it to help teach us about "the real world".) I wasn't allowed to have a phone until age 13, which she could go through any time she wanted.

She'd punish me for whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, however she wanted. One summer (and this was in Texas, in an area where it gets particularly hot/humid) she locked me out of the house all day (from 9 until about 6 or 7 at night, whenever she decided to get back,) and told me I wasn't allowed back inside (she would contest that because she only forbade me from entering, and told my older sister and two stepsisters I was allowed exactly 1 five-minute bathroom break all day and to tie me down outside if I needed to be, that she "technically" didn't lock me out) until she got back. I wasn't allowed any food, and had to drink from a dirty ass hose. I wasn't allowed to accept help from anyone, and my sisters weren't allowed to take food outside to me. She got home that evening and made me go straight to bed, then said I "hadn't learned anything" and made me do it all over again. I literally went 48 straight hours without food during that time.

The thing she was "punishing" me for? My dog had decided it wanted to lay down while I was taking it for a walk and got his belly a little red and some dirt on it.

Point is, knowing my mother, she was out-right abusive. Case #1 for abusive parents. From her, trust issues and paranoia got amplified, but those are whole other stories.

My dad and stepmom, on the other hand, were more into the manipulative side of things (my dad resorting to getting physical "if need be.")

My dad looks like a quirky guy on the outside. Tall, bald, tattooed. If you meshed with him, you'd get along swimmingly. Otherwise, you were me.

At first, I didn't notice his bigotry (I mean how could I? I was basically a smaller version of him, but not quite.) It wasn't until I'd gotten on Tumblr (about 2010 ish was when I first got on? If I remember correctly) and started questioning basically everything about myself when I started recognizing the subtler things, and it was definitely apparent when my older sister moved in with us.

At the time, she'd left my mom's house (because she'd gotten to her, too) and I was about 14-15. I found out before my parents did that she was actually transgender (and went by he/him pronouns, had a support group, etc.) I was like "oh cool I've always wanted an older brother" but the condition was I not tell my parents until it had already been brought up.

Now... Especially with my dad, he'll say he'll support someone he cares about unconditionally, but if you do something he doesn't agree with, he'll either get... Apprehensive, or just straight-up drop you. When he found out about my older brother, he basically bullied "the phase" (as my dad called it) out of him. It officially ended with a Christmas story that actually involves my stepmom.

Anyways, that's where I started finding out that even though he claimed to be unconditionally supportive, he wasn't.

Long story short, had a Tumblr and a support group, they found out about it, literally took everything away from me and invaded my privacy on literally all my accounts, told me I was "being enabled" because I had friends who'd sent me positivity during a barage of Anon hate, wouldn't even listen to me when I tried to explain how I literally didn't know how some of the stuff that was on there wasn't me (someone has gained access to my account and basically started up a sideblog that let's just say a 14-year-old shouldn't even look at, much less have,) tried to get me to tell them "the whole truth" and when I came out about my sexuality had to bottle it up again and act like it was "just a phase" because of how they reacted, and over the course of the next 5 years tried to invade my privacy as much as they possibly could. (Hell, even today, my dad still has my old email account on his phone to "check on it")

He's the kinda guy who would physically restrain me from doing something, then claim I voluntarily didn't do it. The list goes on.

My stepmother was arguably one of the most manipulative people I ever knew. Anti-vaxxer (to the point that she signed a consent form saying neither of my little sisters could get immunization shots from their schools and when asked about it, shrugged it off and was like "they don't need them," but there was more), terf bangs, the whole shebang. Would constantly goad people, then when someone called her out on it acted like she was the victim. Got my dad to yell at me/restrain me because I was "being too aggressive" trying to not have a panic attack because she was yelling. Got the word "ridiculous" banned in the house (yes, literally banned.) So, so much more.

She'd constantly demean me and talk down to me and about me, tell my sister's they didn't have to listen or pay attention to me, and when I brought it up to my dad/publicly, she'd simply act confused and say she didn't know what I was talking about, or that I was misremembering (a common tactic my mother used that my dad and stepmom hated.) One time, my dad actually asked me if she turned into my mother when she was gone, and I paused for a moment and was like "I mean yeah." (Don't ask how that resolved.)

She was the kind of woman who would slap you in the face and then talk to you long enough to try to convince you that you were never actually slapped in the face (unlike my mom, who would and would just tell you you deserved it.) This was the woman who, when my older sister's friend asked how her son was doing, almost caused a scene by loudly stating that her "daughter was doing just fine and I'll let her know that you were thinking about her." (Mind you this friend didn't know that my older brother was trans. This friend only knew him as he, and once even when I slipped up they didn't seem to notice it.)

All my parents would constantly demand someone access my email, messages, and history at any given point. I had friends who I talked to about this that I was scared shitless my parents would find out about because I didn't wanna lose them. I made so many accounts to cover my tracks I've literally lost access to a lot of them because I just can't remember the login details. My parents constantly told me "if you're hiding something that means you know it's bad" out of the blue, keeping me in a constant state of paranoia.

One time, I'd accidentally left my phone in my room and my dad walked in and stayed in for an abnormally long amount of time. I didn't go in because I knew they would definitely see that as a sign something was up, and just rode out my anxiety until my dad walked out, a hand in his pocket. He made this dramatic deal of calmly saying "Now... You know the rules... I'll forgive you this time, but next time will be worse... Especially after what's happened before..." And I was freaking the fuck out. He looked at me and laughed as he pulled a candy wrapper out of his pocket. He said he chose those words specifically because he wanted to see what kind of reaction he'd get out of me.

There are so many other examples I could bring up that I don't have the time or emotional energy to all in one post, but it breaks my heart there are still people who don't believe there are people like this out there. I once had a guy ask "well if your mom's that bad how come she's not in prison?" And my reply was simple: "Because she can cover herself up well." Parents like this are out there. People like this are out there. Please don't let this be your relationships in any fashion because you don't deserve it.

tl;dr: parental abuse and violations take many different forms. If you have any parents or people you know like this, as soon and as safely as you can, get the fuck out. They may only damage you permanently even worse.

The post that got me thinking about all this over the last emotion-charged hour and a half: https://freckledfemme.tumblr.com/post/169530766178/omgwhy-bpdcalvinfischoeder-staar84

[rhiannon-writes]

Character Questions - Arden

Personal

1) Age? 17 years old.

2) Gender? Female.

3) Romantic/Sexual Orientation? Pan, but leans heavily towards men.

4) Height? 5’7

5) Race? White.

6) What do they look like? She’s a bit curvy, all muscle, with long red-brown hair and very dark eyes. Her defining feature would probably be her nose, which has been broken like three times and is permanently crooked.

7) Any disabilities? No.

8) Is there a meaning to their name? Arden means Valley of the Eagle. Her mother chose the name because of a huge valley nearby her home village.

9) What makes them, them? You could say that the most unique thing about her is her ability to communicate with dragons. But so many things make her who she is. She’s short tempered and funny and can charm her way into getting practically anything from a marketplace for free. She loves combat and truly loves learning at the academy, even if she doesn’t think she’s very good at it.

10) What do they want to be when they grow up/what do they want to do with their lives? She literally has no clue. Her plan had always been to stay in her little village, take care of her sister, marry someone and manage her father’s farm. But since moving to the town near the Academy she feels like she might want something different.

Family

11) Do they have parents? What are they like and how do they act with their child(ren)? Her mother was executed when Arden was very young for her ability to speak to dragons, an ability that Arden inherited from her. After her mother’s death Arden took a parenting role over her father because he has struggled for years with the loss of his wife.

12) Do they have siblings? How do they interact with them? If not, do they wish they had siblings? Arden has one sister, Clara, who is six years younger. Arden has taken care of her since the loss of their mother, as her father had fallen apart and wasn’t in a position to care for anyone. Arden still sees Clara as more of her child than her sister.

13) Extended family? Do they see them often? She doesn’t know any of her extended family, but her father said that he had two brothers.

14) Do they like where they live? (Is it a safe place?) She lives in a small village in Erelia. It’s a farming community with only about 14 houses and then forest for miles around them. It is safe, if not a bit boring. She grew up there and doesn’t know anything different.

15) Where do they live? Are they wealthy? Poor? Middle-Class? She’s a commoner, and quite poor. Arden haggles for most things that her family needs, often trading labor or food from her family’s field for anything they might need.

16) Do they have a lot of expectations/pressure on them from family to do great? No. Her father does want a good life for her, but he doesn’t care what life that is.

17) Do they have pets? Her sister collects chickens, and they raise a few pigs every year, but Arden doesn’t really consider her farm animals to be pets. There is a small dragon that hangs around her village that she would call a pet, but she considers him more of a friend.

18) Who do they look up to the most/are the closest to in their family? She’s not really close to anyone in her family. She sees her father and sister of people that she has to take care of, people that can’t ever see her weak, and that creates a bit of distance between them.

19) This there anything special about their family? The gift of dragon communication runs in her mothers family, but other than that not much else.

20) Do they wish they lived in a different family/household? She would never outright wish for something different, especially since she doesn’t know any other way to live. But sometimes she longs for the way it was when her mother was alive, or for a life where she didn’t have to work so hard.

Friends

21) Best Friend(s)? Connor. By far. He’s the barkeep at the inn where she gets a job during her schooling at the Academy and they become close very quickly.

22) Who was their first friend? She honestly can’t remember, but she used to be friends with a lot of the kids from her village.

23) What is their friend group like? Really, she doesn’t have many friends. She has people that she is friendly to, but Connor and Darius are the only people she truly considers friends. Darius is the local blacksmith and her mentor back home in her village.

24) Do they have a love/hate relationship with any of them? No.

25) Do they consider any of their friends to be like siblings? Yes. Connor decided that he was her older brother almost as soon as he met her, and Arden certainly wasn’t going to argue with him.

26) Have they ever hurt a friend or lost one? She lost most of her friends when her mother died. She was angry and lashed out at everyone, including her friends. Those that stayed drifted away when Arden started to care for her family because she didn’t have time for them anymore.

27) Do they have a crush on any of their friends? No.

28) Do they share classes with good friends? No. She doesn’t have any friends at the Academy yet.

29) Whom do they go to the most when they need a shoulder to cry on? It used to be Darius, her mentor and the local blacksmith in her village. He wasn’t great at advice or dealing with tears, but her let her fight through it, literally, and did combat training drills with her. More recently though, it’s, you guessed it. Connor.

30) What would this person do without their friends in their lives? She would isolate herself, throwing herself into whatever work she needed to do, insisting that she didn’t need any friends until someone managed to worm their way into her inner circle once again.

School

31) What grade are they in? If they aren’t in school, how come? Things aren’t really assigned by grade but by age. She goes to classes with other seventeen year olds.

32) Do/Did they like their teachers? Was there a good one? Bad one? Some of her teachers are rude because of her status, but not allowed to blatantly call her out so she’ll often ignore it. Her favorite teachers though, are the combat teacher and the librarian.

33) Do/Did they listen to their teachers or are/where they goofing off a lot? She listens to her teachers and absorbs as much information as possible. She came to the academy several years after most of the other students though, and often struggles to keep up.

34) Are/Where they a good student grade wise? She gets average grades. Not low enough to get kicked out, but not high enough to be any sort of an exemplary student.

35) Do/Did they need extra help? Yes. But she won’t ask for it because she doesn’t want to be seen as weak.

36) What is/was their school like? It’s a military academy, with a big focus on dragon training as they are so plentiful in the kingdom of Erelia.

37) Do/Did they have bullies in school? She is constantly bullied in school. Being the only commoner in a school full of nobles kind of puts a target on her back.

38) Have they ever gotten into a fight at school? Ha! Yes.

39) Have they ever done something stupid/embarrassing at school? She has done things that would probably would be considered embarrassing, but is incredibly hard to embarrass and typically laughs it off with no issue.

40) How far do they plan to go with school? If they dropped out, do they want to go back? She’s planning to graduate from her kingdom’s academy, if possible. They focus on training dragons for military purposes, but she has heard that some commoners managed to make a business of breeding dragons or training them for farmwork and thats what she would like to do.

Other

41) Are they dating anyone? Do they want to date? Are the married? Divorced? She has no intention of dating anyone. Her life plan is probably to find a decent guy with a job and marry him like most of the other girls from her village, but she has never seen love as an option.

42) What is their favorite hobby? Do they keep it a secret? Her favorite hobby is honestly combat training. She loves the adrenaline and being able to really use her body instead of sitting around like you have to with a few other hobbies. It’s definitely not a secret.

43) If they could have one thing in life, what would it be? Probably the ability to be who she is legally. Hiding her ‘gift’ is a huge challenge and if she slips up, even once, she could be executed for it. She is painfully aware of that threat seeing as her mother met that fate when Arden was nine.

44) Do they work? If so, what is it? If not, are they looking for one or even want one? She works as a server at the Dragon’s Breath, which is an inn nearby the Academy. When she isn’t in school she manages her family and works with a local blacksmith full time.

45) Do they use social media? N/A.

46) Have they ever been to a medic? Yes. There have been a few incidents that required her to be taken to a medic, not including a few more that she probably should have gone, but refused, insisting that she was fine.

47) Do they believe in the supernatural, that there is more than the eye can see? She doesn’t discount the idea, but doesn’t actively believe either. She’s sort of a see-and-believe person, and she hasn’t seen proof that the supernatural does exist or that it doesn’t.

48) What do they do when they get angry, stressed, or upset? If she’s stressed she gets angry. If she’s angry she holds it in for about 20 minutes and then explodes. When she’s upset, she usually just tries to stay away from everyone and will often cry, something that she is ashamed of.

49) Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey? She considers herself morally grey. She’s grown up knowing that a big part of who she is is already illegal on punishment of death, and managed to absorb that into who she is.

50) Does this OC have any part of you in them? (I.e, personality traits, similar background, etc) I mean she’s got the hair I wish I had. She was also raised by a single parent. Other than that not much.

51) Do you have a picture to represent them? (My question. Lol.) I do!! I found the image on Pinterest, full credit goes to the owner.

Tag Game belongs to @curiousscientistkae

[sayonaralullaby-a]

Who's Eddie?

Well, oof, okay, so Eddie is a character of mine for my personal story, Komorebi, but he is also an embodiment of my nightmares, negative emotions, memories, thoughts, and mental disorders, as in the story, he’s a “clone” to the main character, Caleb and he represents his negativity and such, like he is with mine. Basically, Eddie is my dark coping mechanism ( as life has definitely fucked me up big time, unfortunately, lmfao ) I transfer him over to the story.

I wrote a bunch of notes about him that I don’t mind sharing under the cut in case anyone would be interested in getting to learn more about him ( regardless I need to flesh him out a bit, so there’s that ). Though please heed the tags for trigger warnings first before reading further. Eddie is not a pleasant person.

To start it off, his name, Eddie, is his short name because his real name is usually unable to be pronounced for one’s tongue, which is Eidottnawi ( pronounced “eye-dot-naw-we” ), meaning, “I want to die” in Rorrim’s language, and his surname is Doowron, meaning, “Norwood,” coping Caleb’s surname as he is his “clone”. Though the reason why he chose his first name is unknown.

Though who is Eddie? Or should I ask who is he to Caleb? Is he also known to be the Caleb Norwood, but for some reason, he wasn’t him anymore and became his own self — perhaps Caleb made a deal to someone divine who would take part of his soul that contains his negativity and pessimism as an exchange for him having the capability to be resilient, and Eddie managed to come into his life to teach him how everyone can’t ever be happy and optimistic? Is he the future Caleb and he goes back in time to when Caleb doesn’t have extreme flaws upon his mortals and personality, to remind him that he will eventually change to how he is and show him how would his future self be like because of how cruel and dark the world can make a person? Or is he just a vivid imagination of himself, made intendedly and subconsciously made by Caleb himself, to put himself into traumatizing situations and scenarios he would believe he so deserve, being told by himself, or so Eddie, of the things he refuses to acknowledge of, but as a result in the end, he would with a better reason other than him giving up on himself? Nobody really knows if Eddie is actually a clone of Caleb or he is a separate individual from him, but somehow looks like Caleb and have drastic opposite morals, beliefs, and traits that Caleb doesn’t have.

He is the physical embodiment of the Void, one who isn’t created or born, but just is, as a similar existence approach of Death itself. He isn’t just nothing, but he is quite literally everything that holds us as people together to the point there is nothing else, a something, a place where there is everything to the point that there is nothing else, and wherever you go, no matter how far, you are always in the area of the void where it is infinite, and it is everywhere and everything, and all of these shadows around you, they can lead you through the dimension to the void.

Carrying no vessels and becoming his true/void form, it’ll be extremely overwhelming and intense feelings for him to grasp such tremendous powers into his inner self without having his own flesh to carry them, and becomes the destruction and chaos with his core being unstable. He doesn’t see the reality when he’s in that form, but instead, he would see is death, despairs and destruction. He have antimatters and black holes properties that during his void form, he would suck and absorb every bits of existing sounds and lights in the areas he’s standing in, and his form acts more as a vacuum to everything that surrounds him, to the point that he sucks everything in and makes it non-existential, while at the same time, as a result, it fuels his own existence because as the void, he is made up of everything that exists It simply sucks up everything, and therefore, people think that it’s technically nothing because it takes up anything and everything.

Everything ceases to exist when he reaches to his void form, one really won’t be able to see anything when he absorbs the lights, same along with sounds, he will take away the white silence and the static of radioactive decays, and many more from the universe around us, therefore everything is literally silent when they’re being sucked by the space vacuum, Eddie himself in this case…

He is not just the physical embodiment of the Void, but strangely, he is also part DG-V1rus ( details are found here ), Rorrim ( there are no details about it yet, but it’s pronounced as “ro-reem” and Rorrim is basically an original specie of mine that have to do with mirror-like creatures/“opposite clones” ), and Dream Demon ( hybrid specie of a Dreamwalker and a Demon ). The backstory to how he is part any of them is currently unknown.

As a Dream Demon, he is the Ruler of the Nightmare Realm. He gives out orders to his minions on sending nightmares to those in need as messages and how it affects their current life.

His body skin colour is monochromatic. There are two possible reasons why it’s like that, while no one knows why does his skin colour shows that way, but the first reason is how much emotionally damaged and depressed he is, having his colours fades away to express his misery, and secondly, while he may be the “future” of Caleb, he always thinks about his past and compares whatever appears around him in the present to it, as he can’t ever let go of it, and you know hundreds of years ago, the photos were still in black and white, and it says how really far parts of Eddie’s consciousness is away from the present.

Though when he glitches, the outline of his body, with parts of them becoming into pixels, are red and cyan, to make people’s eyes strains, and you do not want him to experience high emotions, such as anger mainly, because when his voice becomes distorted from the glitching, it brings pain and discomfort to their ears.

He sees most of the world in black and white, being close to colourblind. The things he can see, though in a rather intense white colour, are the eyes, because of how the eyes behind a body holds the soul. Except if a person or an animal doesn’t have a soul inside anymore, their eyes are then also a dull grayscale colour as the rest of their body parts and everything around them as Eddie. He also sees the colours of the auras, belonging to the deities, radiating in. Their auras are much more clearer and almost glowing halo-like air surrounding their presence, and even glancing at them under a minute would irritate his eyes before it creates statics to envelop his visions, while it causes him to easily get migraines as well, as his mortal body are unable to take it well. But when he is in his true/void form, everything around him becomes in complete vivid colours, as the saturation and chroma of the world gets shot up to 100%, and not even the Mortal’s eyes can handle them without ending up getting their eyes permanently strained to a worse degree from the overwhelming and intense colours, if lucky to not be blinded.

He sees many different planets and dimensions at once, but he generally only focus on the dimension he is currently in, which is with the planet, Eanmerthas. The other dimensions are seen in different colours, but this is most likely never going to be delved into deeper.

He actually can’t hear anything, working on the same level as his inability to talk due to the vacuum surrounding him. As a result, he is able to sense the waves that others speaks and can imagine a simulation of how it sounds as to where it is coming from.

Going over to his personality now, the most important thing one should always remember when encountering him is do not be friends with him. He will abuse your strengths and manipulate you for his own advantages. He doesn’t see himself having friends or even at least having a partner for businesses and ever will. Friendships means nothing but destruction to him, and dare would anyone suggest being friends with him, they will face the consequence.

He usually kills people if only they ask for their death to come or they get in his way. He honestly can’t be bothered with killing people “for fun” and all of that ridiculous stuff as he finds it a huge waste of time and energy.

You see, Eddie, like Caleb, wants to help the world, to be the hero, because of their creation of the world, to Eddie, he doesn’t want to see it end with a split between beauty and chaos, and unfortunately, it seems impossible because there’s need to a balance with everything to nothing, but rather than attempting to influence people’s negative actions and beliefs, as obvious as it is, he kills them, while this is the general list of his morals:

HE WILL LIE in order to make people feel reassured and happy.

HE WILL KILL “BEAUTIFUL-LOOKING” PEOPLE as he doesn’t want them to experience a moment of them “becoming” ugly.

HE WILL KILL CHILDREN so they could die without having to experience what’s the world really like to them as they grow up.

HE WILL BE RUDE AND OBNOXIOUS TO OTHERS in order for people to get away from him and prevent them from befriending him as he wants best for both him and them to not grow attach each other, otherwise their feelings for each other would rip apart from their chest in the end.

HE WILL KILL THE POOR as to help end their suffering of hunger in desperation and be free and welcomed to heaven or anywhere as a paradise.

HE WILL HARM PEOPLE as to help them have more attention, love and care from their friends, families and loved ones.

HE WILL BULLY PEOPLE to help them improve their ability to stand up for themselves.

HE WILL GIVE DRUGS, ONE NIGHT STANDS, OR ALCOHOL TO PEOPLE to make them feel entertained and satisfied, if only they would ask for it,

HE IS WILLING TO KILL PEOPLE IF THEY ARE SUICIDAL so it would look like a murder case rather than them committing suicides to make their friends and loved ones more dreadful and pity them, much to their dislike.

HE WILL COMMIT CANNIBALISM OF EATING “HIS OWN KIND,” HUMANS AND ENCOURAGE THEM TO DO IT SO to help decrease the overpopulation of the world and there would be food available with human parts if any other isn’t available.

Does he have lack of remorse from doing them just as killing the bad people? Yes, he would lack any sympathy in committing such crimes like that, because, again, he wants to help and he does think what’s listed above is the best way to do them, but to most people, it’s clearly wrong, but at the same time… His beliefs makes it up their reason that makes his crimes more “appropriate” to him committing them. He never thinks of his targets’ friends and families because it’s about them only, and that’s it, as he’s helping them for their own sake only. Plus if anyone wishes to join being with their deceased loved ones, Eddie wouldn’t mind killing them to be with their deceased loved ones once again.

What is even the biggest belief that sticks to his mindset the most of them all is how in the end, everyone will die, so he doesn’t think anything matters, but the people who he kills, are given a ticket to be truly happy and free earlier.

With moral number nine, that’s what his real name, Eidottnawi, comes to play. It is either a gift or a curse, and either someone says what is the backword of his name as a beg or a realization of what his name actually meant, it’s like a kick to his instinct to kill them.

Overall, Eddie is a dangerous being one should never interact with. So if one encounters him, run.

[stehayneedsahug]

It’s so heartbreaking to see people talking about how Ste isn’t the same Ste anymore and how he’s changed so much since Stendan, but I do feel like it was a natural progression. If you watched Ste’s storyline before Brendan he was angry and tumultuous and violent, he had created a hard shell to deal with his upbringing and life, he lashed out easily because he never could handle his emotions in a very healthy way. 

His kids softened his heart a bit and made him want to be a better person, but he still struggled a lot with his emotions and pain even after anger management had helped him to lash out less he still carried so much guilt and held onto his tough exterior.

Let’s have a recap of the shit Ste’s been through shall we? (this will be long):

He ran with a tough crowd as a teen and was a hothead and a bully, we learn later he used to be locked in his room all night with nothing but troll dolls to play with while his mom was drunk, he was neglected and beat by both his step dad and occasionally his mom. He was also verbally and emotionally abused by them. He went to young offenders and came back not wanting to live at home, it was bad enough there that being homeless or living in the boiler room at school was preferable. He wanted to be able to stay with Amy and have a purpose to his life so badly that he took on the responsibility of being a dad to Leah. He had a long way to go though, and he was a poor teen dad used to violence and he became what he knew when he started to hurt Amy, deal drugs and con people for money...he wanted to be better though and by some miracle he had a breakthrough and was starting to be a better person. Amy couldn’t handle motherhood when Lucas was born and Ste did his best as a single dad for a while, in spite of his own problems and people he thought he could trust trying to drug him and steal his babies (which was crazy, wtf). Honestly though, a key part of understanding Ste as he currently is, is seeing how he used to be.

He met Brendan and was drawn to him like a moth to the flame. He saw a wild man who demanded respect. In a way Brendan scared him from the start, because he saw the violence he was capable of and he saw the illegal things he was involved in and the lines he would cross. Ste saw himself in Brendan and also was addicted to the obsession Brendan had for him, the neglect and abuse in his own childhood made him used to bearing the violence but Brendan’s attachment to him had to be addictive when all he wanted was to belong and be understood. Brendan also took care of him and loved him like no one in Ste’s life had really don’t before, even though it was tainted by Brendan’s own issues in such a devastating way. 

Doug was Ste trying to keep control of the progress he’d been making at being a healthy and responsible man and father. Doug (and sort of Noah before that went to shit) was a chance for Ste to break free of that continuous violence surrounding him in his life and do what he knew intellectually would be the safe, healthy relationship choice for him. He didn’t know how to be alone but Doug offered love and his chance to breathe and figure himself out more and be ‘normal’. Also, Ste is really bad at rejecting any kind of love and Doug pursued him. But he loved Brendan and when Brendan started to change for the better and they had a chance to be on the same page and love each other it was like his dream come true. 

Losing Brendan broke Ste in an irreparable way, because it was about more than only missing Brendan in his life. He had finally started to believe in love conquering the violence and the pain in his life. He had felt understood and cherished without having to pretend his past away or pretend to be someone else because Brendan understood the dark sides to him and he wanted to be there helping Brendan through his own trauma. But when Brendan went to prison and cut him off from seeing him, it played on all of Ste’s insecurities because their love wasn’t enough for Brendan to stay for him, the violence caught up to them after all, Ste was abandoned by not only Brendan but also Cheryl and Amy and his kids still weren’t back in his life. It was like the dream he let himself believe he would be able to have came crashing down around him and everyone around him had an ‘i told you so’ ready. 

So Ste turned hard again. Instead of just going along with Amy or Doug saying being with Brendan was a mistake he held onto his love for him but it turned into bitterness and anger toward everyone else because they couldn’t understand, and toward himself for thinking he could have it all. He put back on his hard shell and tried to do anything he could to get the club and feel like Brendan was still with him, he basically embraced violence and drug-dealing at first as a ‘fuck you’ to being normal again because he’d always felt like that was a facad for him anyway, and because he didn’t want to just act like nothing had happened and didn’t want people to think he was too good for Brendan because he didn’t feel like he was...to him they were the same...so why try to be good if it all just ends in misery anyway. 

Then on top of all his pain over losing one of the only people he felt could truly understand him and love him for all his flaws, Ste had to face his mother pressuring him to help her kill herself. She never loved him selflessly once in her whole life and she ignored him when she wasn’t hurting him or letting him be hurt. Even her confession that she’d want him to crawl into bed as a kid with her when he thought she was sleeping was cold and devastating because all Ste needed was her to see him and acknowledge him and she was using his most cherished moment with her (out of pretty much none to chose from) to manipulate him into doing something that could get him put in jail and/or permanently emotionally scar him further. When Ste did it, he felt more empty, because the anger he’d always felt for her and the abuse he suffered from her made him question whether he actually did what she wanted him to do or if he secretly somehow wanted to kill her himself. That would majorly majorly fuck with anyone’s head and it came at a time when he was already feeling so alone and on edge. He was so done at that point and worn down, he even thought jail would be a rest in a way and that he’d deserve it...he gave up. 

Then Doug and Tony rallied around him and helped him find the strength to keep trying. Doug made him remember his kids and how he’d wanted so badly to be a good father to them and how going to jail and giving up would leave them without a dad like his own dad did. Doug was a way out from the bottom and part of Ste loved Doug even if it wasn’t the same kind of love he had for Brendan...he loved the reliability of Doug and the normalcy and security of Doug. He was at his lowest so he clung to Doug, and once again he was back to pretending for the sake of his kids and for the sake of trying again to find some even footing in his life and become the normal, responsible, happy family man he’d so wanted to have as a dad when he was growing up. 

Then Doug died. Doug died and once again Ste was left bereft. Because even though he’d left Doug before and even though he wasn’t necessarily the love of his life, Doug was one of very very few people Ste trusted and knew loved him. Doug had always represented safety and the ‘right’, secure path to Ste and now he was gone in such an unfair way. So now Ste was once again alone in a sudden and traumatic way, his home was gone on top of it, and Amy and the kids still weren’t around. He was drinking heavily in the deli with some matches maybe suicidal when lo and behold, here’s Danny telling him he’s his dad. 

So Ste goes to live with his dad with all this baggage of having almost no one in his life and having all this pain in his head that he hasn’t really gotten a chance to deal with and he has these new sisters and this surreal family suddenly and I’m sure he feels so separate from them, but he’s so thirsty for acceptance and a place and a distraction from all of the pain and loss he’s been going through it’s like something good is finally happening to him and it’s another chance to pretend that this is his life, that these people have been his family all along and that this is where he belongs. 

But then even this happy family starts to crumble around him...he has a front row seat to their drama and he sees that his dad isn’t some knight in shining armor, that his dad is hurting this family that ste wishes were the perfect family he’d been searching for by cheating with John Paul and once again Ste is face to face with someone hurting others by hiding their sexuality and this time it’s his dad. Leela repeatedly reminds him he doesn’t really fit in with them. Ste leaves because he can’t handle the fakeness of them playing happy families when Danny is cheating and lying and Ste already didn’t feel like he belonged and now he’s asked to lie for him. His relationship with his dad further deteriorates when Danny starts to be insecure and jealous of Ste’s relationship with John Paul and he is so quick to throw Ste away. He is about to leave without telling him after everything and when a hurt Ste accidentally let slip to Cameron that they were leaving, Danny’s last words to him were basically disowning him. So the family Ste had fantasized about all of his life turned to shit and Leela and Danny both blamed Ste for it to his face, Danny didn’t get the chance to take it back, Leela did, but that sticks with you especially when Ste already was feeling like everything he touches falls apart and everything bad that happens to him is his fault.

Oh hey, meanwhile, John Paul and him do some coke casually in the Deli. So alongside all of this pain simmering under the surface for Ste now here he is introduced to an escape. So now when things get hard he gets this craving to escape and forget and now he knows something that will work better than just alcohol and starts to struggle with drugs. He’s putting bandaids on open wounds all over the place and drugs are just one more way to get through the day. It’s self-destruction and addiction and he probably feels like taking drugs is the right mix of hurting himself and forgetting his pain all at once....like what it used to feel like to go back to Brendan in the days when he knew he’d probably get sex and a black eye out of it. He probably feels like he needs the drugs to feel normal, because his normal is anything but painless and happy and when things are going too well he doesn’t trust it and the drugs keep him grounded in the self-disgust he’s too used to, and when things turn bad it’s his fault for not fixing it or knowing how to deal or knowing it was coming and the drugs help him forget with a mix of reminding him of his place.

John Paul is now one of the only people who understand him. John Paul knew Brendan and Doug, he knew his past. They hated each other but after Doug died they both feel pulled toward each other because they feel so alone and their worlds have been orbiting around each other like destiny wants them to make it. John Paul’s mess with Danny leaves him feeling vulnerable and Ste is one of the only people who knew what happened there. They bond over the messes their relationships have been and then they further bond over the traumas they help each other through. John Paul saves Ste from drowning in the bathtub after Danny’s death. He tries to support him while he deals with his addiction. Ste tries to help John Paul in his recovery from being raped. John Paul tries to be there for Ste through his HIV diagnoses. 

Though they tried to make it work, their relationship was fraught with baggage and communication problems between them. Ste felt restless being taken care of and guilty for not being stronger in resisting the drugs, for blacking out and sleeping with Sinead, for being high and sleeping with Connor. Ste felt helpless in trying to be there for John Paul through the trial and crumbled hard under the pressure and let John Paul down. In my opinion, Ste felt like John Paul was too good for him and that was a source of a lot of the strain between them. John Paul struggled with empathy and with loving Ste and supporting him without ending up patronizing him. 

There was this love and respect between them but it was tainted by the walls they both put up, Ste to hide his darkest sides (he didn’t hide them well), and John Paul to hide his vulnerable sides. They drifted apart and then suddenly Ste is left with this pressure to take care of Sinead because she’s pregnant from a night Ste doesn’t even remember. He loves her as a friend and he loves being a father and so it’s too easy for him to start to fall for that idea that Sinead keeps pushing of a ‘normal’ family, mom, dad, kid, he could maybe have it all. And he takes that easy way out instead of really dealing with whatever is wrong between him and John Paul, and he starts to basically fall back into old habits with Rae or with Amy....he reverts back to trying to be the father he wishes he could be because maybe that will be enough this time around to make him a better person and keep him off the drugs and the self-destructive behavior. A baby gave him a purpose again. 

His relationship with John Paul simmered out and they both let it go. In my opinion, they were always almost right for each other, but the timing and life just kept getting in the way and Ste was insecure with someone he saw as so steady and intelligent and ‘good’ and John Paul was overwhelmed and frustrated with how Ste kept self-destructing and hurting both of them so they just kind of lost each other. 

Harry came along and again, Ste has never been good at resisting when someone expresses love for him or tries to woo him. He was drawn to how much Harry wanted him and when Sinead left, Harry was a distraction Ste needed and the fun he craved and for a while their relationship was secret and dangerous and after being in such a serious and heavy relationship with John Paul, Ste was going with the flow and trying to just not care about his troubles for a while.

When Tony found out and had such an extreme reaction, Ste felt the weight of responsibility for coming between Harry and Tony, he felt rejected by a man who is one of very few who have been there for him and everything was just kind of a whirlwind with Harry being kicked out by Tony and then Ste being kicked out and blamed for Tegan’s drugs and they were homeless together and it was kind of like Ste was just spiraling out of control again. It was like Ste was back to being that kid living in the boiler room and trying to find a job and a place for him and Amy. Harry was insistent and persistent about staying with Ste and even though the guilt was eating at Ste for being the cause of Harry’s homelessness, Ste was in over his head and didn’t really understand the pressure Harry was under for school (since he never finished it) and didn’t really understand how desperate Harry was getting to help Ste. When Ste found out that Harry had slept with James for money, the guilt of it crushed him. He couldn’t handle being that bad influence that he knew everyone thought he was and he was hating himself for ruining Harry’s relationship with Tony and mourning for his own relationship with Tony and hurting for losing his kids once again when Amy found out how they’d been living. It was easy for Cameron to convince him to take chrystal meth and once Ste started being addicted to that, he was scared again. At least when he was clean and homeless with Harry he could pretend it was some adventure and ignore his problems with sex and scamming for food or a place to stay. Now he was back into drugs he felt everything he’d worked on with John Paul slipping away again and so he ended up taking Harry back, yearning for that connection with Harry and with Tony to help pull him through his newest addiction. 

Now Ste went through the work to get clean again and tried to be a better person and rebuild his life again for his kids when of course his world starts to unravel again when he gets blackouts as a result of everything catching up to him. He risks losing his kids in custody battles and Leah knows about his past too now and the most important part of his life is crumbling away from him in a way that feels more out of reach than it maybe ever did because it’s legal now. John Paul comes back to him for support and it’s like they pick up where they left off, helping each other through their trauma, John Paul comforting Ste over his kids and his blackouts and Ste comforting John Paul over Finn possibly returning to the village and they just have all of this unresolved love for each other that will probably never go away because of all that they have been through together. It just makes sense that they would slip, neither of them are exactly great at relationships. 

And now here we are, Ste is still with Harry because he can’t be alone and Harry and Tony have supported him through in such hard times but I don’t think it’s really love. It’s more of the same where Ste is just so needy for family and for someone to be there that he can’t end it when Harry keeps being there for him like so many others weren’t or couldn’t be. But now Amy is gone and his kids think he killed her and I just don’t know how he will ever really get back from this. He’s going to be even more traumatized now....even with all of their problems, Amy was his rock through so much and his partner through life.

So yeah, this was basically a summary of Ste, but I just don’t blame the guy for making some shitty mistakes, for being needy and a mess and self-destructive and lost....he is going through life with no blueprint and he keeps having hardship after hardship thrown at him. I expect if Ste gets out of prison for him to be doing whatever he can to avoid prison again, but I expect him to be so depressed and feel so alone and helpless that I will not be surprised for him to have so much more pain (self-inflicted and otherwise) ahead. It is a soap after all, and when it’s a character with so much baggage like he has, he’s going to relapse and struggle and stumble along the way to becoming the man he wants to be....that doesn’t mean that he isn’t developing as a character, it just isn’t that simple at all. 

Ste’s progression into the hardened, hurt, lost guy that he is now didn’t just suddenly come out of nowhere. It was the result of growing up needing to fend for himself, craving any kind of love wherever he could get it, struggling with becoming what he hates (his dad), struggling through abuse, feeling abandoned and out of control, regressing to old coping mechanisms after losing brendan, self-medicating, trying to find normalcy and faking it till you make it, falling apart again, struggling with becoming what he hates again (his mom basically), dealing with guilt and loss, and basically being tossed around by life and trying to cope. He isn’t the same Ste as Brendan era, but he shouldn’t be anyway because too much has happened.

[bugaboosandbees]

Reine Ruse Part 4

Hello all! I hope you enjoy the next installment of this au. This chapter was hard to write and ended up going in a somewhat different direction than I had planned. (Tikki kind of took over.)

There were a lot of difficult topics to deal with in this chapter about bullying and emotional harm, and I can only hope that I managed to do them justice. Please let me know if you think there's anything I could improve.

I finished this over my lunch hour, so it's not been edited and I'm sorry for any errors you might find!

Thank you all again so much for reading! You're amazing and I hope you have a wonderful day!

As always, just ask if you’d like to be tagged in the future, and please remind me if I forgot you, computers are hard sometimes!

Plagg

“Can you believe this Plagg?” Adrien bit out as he grabbed several tissues to staunch the bloody nose that was still oozing despite the long run across the Parisian rooftops he’d had to get back from the Grand Paris Hotel. “I can’t believe that Chloe, of all people, would equate me with those people! She just doesn’t understand!” Pausing in his tirade, Adrien looked around, eyes finally landing on Plagg who was floating, deathly still and with slitted eyes, in the place Adrien had detransformed.

For his part, Plagg was furious. He couldn’t believe he’d let matters escalate this far, but he honestly hadn’t been aware that his kitten’s mindset had gotten this warped. He knew the kid wasn’t the best at decoding social cues and he’d felt sorry for the boy alone in such a cold home so, yeah, he’d given the kid a couple more passes for behavior than he might have given another chosen. He might not have been the best Black Cat he’d ever had, but he wasn’t the type to go rogue and try to destroy the world, and he didn’t hurt Plagg -- all things considered, he’d had much worse wielders in the past and the kid just seemed so lonely … He’d thought that after the whole debacle with the akuma that flooded Paris that things had more or less resolved themselves and, to be honest, he’d never paid much attention to his kitten’s banter with Tikki’s bug. If he’d only paid more attention… Shit, this really wasn’t his strong suit. Tikki was much better at getting through to people. He knew screaming at Adrien would just make him shut down… he needed to be calm, which would be hard.

“Did you ever consider,” Plagg offered in a level voice, “that she might have been right?”

If things hadn’t been so serious, Plagg might have cackled at the poleaxed look on Adrien’s face. “ What?! ”

“Kid, just listen to me,” Plagg sighed. “Let’s go with a hypothetical situation here. Say you were partnered with someone while modeling, and you only worked with that person. You saw that person as your best friend, and you had to rely on them in order for anything to work out at your job. You really like this other person outside of work, but you can’t say anything about it because you don’t want people who know about your job to harass them. You’ve told your partner this, more than once, but they still insist on telling people that the two of you are dating or that you’ll come around to their charms eventually. They derail photoshoots and events by flirting, and you have to do most, if not all, of the work in your partnership. You’re just trying to keep your head down and get your work done, but your partner gets more and more pushy until it’s gotten to the point where they attempt to physically chase and restrain you to demand a date. Adrien, kid, you’re a great black cat, but, please tell me that you can see that that’s not a healthy relationship.” Plagg maintained eye contact with his kitten, doing his best to exude the sort of calm and understanding presence that came so naturally to Tikki. Please, please listen to me. At the rate things were going, if Adrien didn’t stop what he was doing soon, he’d throw off the balance too far and Plagg would need to take the miraculous back. And Plagg knew, better than anyone, how much Adrien needed chat Noir. Please, kid.

Adrien looked down at his hands. They sat there for what felt like ages in silence as Adrien thought and Plagg watched over his kitten. He’d never admit it, but the ancient god felt almost faint with relief when Adrien looked back up at him, tears streaming down his cheeks and face twisted into an expression of horror. “What have I done, Plagg?”

Marinette

Any sense of safety that she’d felt evaporated the second she swung off of Chloe’s balcony and into the night. Marinette took the most roundabout way she could think of home, glancing over her shoulder almost more often than she looked ahead and scanning the surrounding rooftops with wide-blown eyes. When she finally detransformed and collapsed on her chaise, she breathed a sigh of relief. She could feel Tikki huddled in the space where her neck met her shoulder as she took several deep, bracing breaths. Once she felt calm and safe again, she looked up at her room and at the dozens of posters and pictures of Adrien crowded across its walls. She’d considered taking them down for a few weeks now, as Adrien’s inaction against Lila had dampened her crush. But now… She looked down at Tikki and sighed. “This was never healthy, was it?”

Tikki met her eyes with the infinite compassion Marinette was still baffled that she could always count on and hardly felt she deserved and gently shook her head.

“I…” Marinette paused and firmed her jaw. “No. I’m not going to be like that anymore. I’m not going to be like that ever again.” And as the stars above Paris shone down on a city that slept, its heroine moved methodically about her room, taking down posters and schedules and computer backgrounds. When she finished, it looked… empty, but a healthy kind of empty full of promise and possibility. She could already think of so many ways to fill the space she’d freed… but that would be a task for tomorrow.

She felt her eyelids drooping as she crawled into bed and flung one arm over her face. What had happened that night felt so surreal. Then again, the past several weeks had felt entirely like a waking dream or nightmare. Since Hawkmoth had appeared and she’d become Ladybug for the first time, she’d had to up-end her worldview completely, but she’d done that, she’d gotten used to the way things had become. Since Lila arrived back at school everything had been turned on its head once again and Marinette could hardly tell which way was up and which way was down anymore. Alya hadn’t spoken to her kindly in days, her partner was becoming a terrifying stranger, and the only place she felt safe was with Chloe Bourgeois, of all people. She still wasn’t sure why she’d gone to Chloe’s balcony that first night or why she kept returning. Chloe had made her life miserable for years, had beaten down her self-confidence to such an extent that she’d had no one before Alya and had tried to cut her down at every turn for as long as she could remember. Those feelings of anger and despair hadn’t just disappeared -- but things were so complicated now… She didn’t know what she felt about Chloe anymore. Well, that wasn’t necessarily something that she had to sort out immediately either. She’d take this one day at a time, and, if Chloe kept improving and really turned into someone she could truly rely on, well, then she’d think about what it would mean to forgive her.

She’d cross that bridge when she got there.

Tikki

Tikki gazed down at her sleeping chosen. The determined frown she’d worn while removing all traces of her obsessive crush from her room had faded as she fell asleep. She couldn’t help the proud feeling that welled up in her when Marinette had confronted her own flaws when faced with the more glaring example of her partner’s. She would have been totally within her rights to have let the crying jag that passed at Chloe’s continue longer than she had, but she’d demonstrated true Ladybug strength yet again and learned from another awful situation what she could. Still, the extent to which Plagg’s kitten had damaged her trust in him was worrying -- on both sides of the mask.

Tikki heard a whimper and glanced down to see her chosen’s face twisted in a nightmare. “Chat, no… why?” she whispered brokenly. Tikki’s face hardened. That was it -- this had gone too far. She was going to Fu.

Master Fu

Wang Fu suddenly shot awake. He looked at the window beside his bed -- it was still the middle of the night. Why? He felt an urgent pull inside his chest, below his breastbone. He was being summoned? What had happened? He quickly turned toward the miracle box and was met with the sight of the kwami of creation staring solemnly at him. He could read in the downturn of her eyes that she was angry -- angrier than he’d ever personally seen her.

“Tikki? What is wrong? Why have you come here without your chosen?”

“The boy you picked to wield the black cat miraculous is this close to completely breaking the balance between Plagg and I’s wielders. He has betrayed my chosen on both sides of the mask and just tonight he hunted her across the city in what appeared to be an attempt to physically force her to reciprocate his feelings. You have allowed him to continue in a dangerous mindset unchecked for too long.”

“But --”

“I know the reasons that you chose him for the ring, and, if he had ever been properly disciplined, I might be able to concede that you made the right decision. You chose a wielder that needed to learn in order to work effectively and then refused to teach him.”

“But it would be dangerous to release another miraculous permanently, especially with the new peacock villain. I cannot justify that risk!”

The air in the room stilled and Fu found it harder to breathe. Tikki’s eyes narrowed and she began to glow as she loosed some of her aura into the space. “Cannot justify the risk?” her voice echoed in a way that did not fit her size. “What about the risk to my chosen? You may be the guardian of the miracle box, but you forget that you were never formally trained. You forget what your mistakes have already cost. You are not infallible. You are not a god. And that was not a request.”

Fu trembled before her. “V… very well. I shall choose --”

“I shall choose. Forgive me if I have lost faith in your judgment.” The light around Tikki flashed and the fox necklace appeared in front of her. She grasped the chain in her paws and restrained her power.

“Wayzz?” Tikki acknowledged the turtle kwami that had been waiting, frozen, in a corner of the room for the first time. “Make sure he actually thinks about this mistake.” She met Fu’s eyes one last time, conveying a sense of disappointment and disapproval that almost brought him to his knees, and then she flew out the window and into the night.

Chloe

Chloe Bourgeois couldn’t sleep. Her confrontation with Chat Noir played over and over again in her head. Her nails dug crescents into her palms as she thought about the proprietary way that the cat had talked about Ladybug and the fear in the heroine’s eyes as she’d tumbled into Chloe’s apartment and run to hide. An uncomfortable pang of guilt ran through her as she thought of her friendship with Sabrina before she’d abandoned her for Lila and her previous self-serving idolatry of Ladybug. No. There was no use feeling guilty for her past mistakes. She would apologize, and then she would not make them again.

She only wished that she had the power to make her apology to Ladybug mean something more, that she could actually protect her, rather than only being there to pick up the pieces that Hawkmoth or Chat Noir had broken. She started as she heard a soft knock on the glass pane of the balcony door. Rising from her bed, she padded over to see Ladybug’s kwami waiting outside her window with a stormy expression, holding a familiar looking necklace. Chloe opened the door as quickly as she was able and gestured the kwami inside.

“What’s wrong?” She questioned urgently. If Ladybug’s kwami was here without her, what could have happened? If that cat had gotten her akumatized …

“Many things,” Tikki replied, “but nothing urgent. There is not an attack, and Ladybug is safe.”

“Then why --?”

“She is safe for now.” Tikki cut in. “You’ve seen that her partner has demonstrated that he is almost as present a danger to her as Hawkmoth emotionally. She needs help that she can trust, someone to stand by her against all threats no matter how hard or dangerous things become.” She stared directly at Chloe. There was a pressure behind her gaze that was almost physical, and Chloe fought to not flinch. “Do you think you could do that?”

It took Chloe a moment to register the question. Did she? And then a vision of Ladybug’s eyes, still full of tears, flashed inside her mind. She met Tikki’s gaze evenly. “Yes.”

For a moment, all was silent as Tikki stared into her soul. Chloe could only hope that the tiny god found something worthwhile there. Eventually, Tikki nodded.

“Very well then.” She held up the necklace in her paws. “Chloe Bourgeois, this is the miraculous of the fox. It grants the power of illusions. You will use it to be Ladybug’s right hand, her shield, her friend, and her support. You will reveal your identity to no one. If at any point you forsake your duty to her, I will reclaim the miraculous and ensure that you never forget your mistake. Do you understand?”

Chloe’s heart was beating through her chest. “Yes.”

Tikki

Tikki landed on the small pillow that Marinette kept beside her bed for her use. She looked at her charge once more. She only hoped that she’d made the right decision. The pressure and the events of the day caught up to her and she had to restrain a somewhat hysterical giggle. Dear balance, she’d been acting like Plagg. It just showed that, although she might be the “good” side of the universe’s balance, no one was allowed to mess with her family. She nestled down underneath her small blanket.

“Don’t worry Marinette,” she mumbled sleepily, “things will turn out all right.” Her eyes drifted closed, and she let herself sink into a restful sleep, heartened by the fact that there was now someone she could count on to protect her chosen when she could not.

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