This Week’s Horrible-Scopes
It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. It really doesn’t matter.
We’re collaborating with the nice folks at Rotten Tomato to bring you a personalized movie pairing. There’s just one small catch… Let’s see if you can figure it out.
Aries
You know that Video Game Movies have typically been pretty bad. So for you we have 2016’s “Pixels” with Adam Sandler in the role of Billy Mitchell… Oh, sorry. The role of “Sam Brenner” trying to beat Donkey Kong. With a Tomato score of 18% think how bad this movie was if you compare it to 2019’s “Cats” rated at 19%! If you make popcorn don’t butter it - you’ll be throwing it at the TV.
Taurus
Assuming you’re sharing someone’s Netflix account, you can screw up their library by playing 2020’s “365 Days”. To say this was a “50 Shades of Grey” ripoff would be far kinder than it deserves… since it’s got a Tomato rating of… ZERO. If you think you can just Fast Forward to the “Good Parts”... joke’s on you; there aren’t any. If you’re that hard up for some soft-core porn find a local estate sale and ask to see the VHS tape collection.
Gemini
Hope you like classic horror movies because you’re getting “JAWS”... sorta. Actually it’s 2022’s “Jaws”-wannabe movie, “Maneater”. This Shark-sploitation film at JUST under 90 minutes got a 17% on the TomatoMeter, meaning it’s worse than both “Cats” and “Pixels". Since the Screen Actors Guild defines a Feature Film as needing a minimum of 80 minutes, the only true victim here is the editor. This week be nicer to workers - any one of them could be working on the sequel.
Cancer Moon-Child
How could someone turn a beloved literary icon from 1883 into one of the greatest film flops, and with one of the best loved actors starring? With a Tomato score of 28% 2022’s “Pinocchio” is worlds better than 2000’s adaptation, “Geppetto” with Drew Carey, which has NO Tomato score at all! This week save up and rent 1999’s “Bicentennial Man” with Robin Williams. With a 36% you’ll thank us later.
Leo
We’ll make this simple for you. 2002’s monster-stinker, “The Master of Disguise” starring Dana Carvey comes in with a One Percent TomatoMeter rating. Even Brent Spiner couldn’t help this movie… come to think of it, Brent couldn’t help “Geppetto” either. This week don’t go buying a new Android.
Virgo
What can we say, except… your movie couldn’t rate much lower than that. And it doesn’t! Your’s got a 6% TomatoMeter score - and keep that in mind when we remind you that one of the talented performers in it was SIR Patrick Stewart! The film? 2017’s “The Emoji Movie”. This week re-watch 2018’s “Ralph Breaks the Internet”, scoring 88%, for the seventeenth time.
Libra ()
O-o-o-oh-h-h, aren’t YOU lucky? You get to have a face-off with Taurus for the bottom rung. Skewered with a ZERO on the TomatoMeter you get 2014’s Nic Cage blockbuster, “Left Behind” aka “What Happens When An Infinitely Powerful Being Snaps Their Fingers And Disappears Part Of The Population?” Worse yet, that same year he was in “Tokarev” at 12%, “Dying of the Light” at 11%, and “Outcast” at 4%. We understand Nic’s movies are either terrible or magnificent, but DAMN, that’s a crap year for him. This week, just let Taurus have the higher rung.
Scorpio
Remember what we said about Video Game Movies being crap? And how “Cats” was a 19% score? Well, keep that in mind since you’re getting the same 19% rated “Assassin’s Creed” from 2016. You have a choice to make; watch this 2 hour movie all the way through, or go to YouTube and watch the animation from user “2Snacks” called “Two Best Sisters Replay - Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood” 27 times. Seriously, go watch that instead.
Sagittarius
Got Good News, and Bad News for you. The GOOD news is you get to pick between follow-up movies with a 9% or a 22% score. The BAD news is the two movies are 2015’s reboot “Fan-4-Tastic”, aka “Fantastic 4”, or 2016’s “Zoolander No. 2”, the sequel to the fAbUlOuSlY sUcCeSsFuL “Zoolander”. If you can’t choose, we'll make you watch them both at the same time!
Capricorn
There are a number of famous dogs in cinematic history. Scoobie-Doo, Lassie, Benji… but you are getting the worst of them all - 2022’s Zero-Rated “Marmaduke”. We’ll make it easy on you. If you want to watch a bad kid’s movie, a quick search on YouTube will bring you the 1979 release “C.H.O.M.P.S.” It’s got NO Tomato rating, but it’s free - and has Conrad Bain, Red Buttons, and Valerie Bertinelli in it.
Aquarius
You’re also getting to choose between two horror movies: one rated 34% and one rated, believe it or not, 93%! First is Keven Bacon’s 2022 “They/Them” with an axe murderer, though it’s hard to know who to root for there… or 1954’s “THEM!” starring… a bunch of radioactively overgrown ants. Look, we’re being nice to you this time… PICK THE ANTS!
Pisces
Wow, uhm… Remember back in 2020 when they released “The New Mutants”? Kind of a horror story built on the X-Men franchise with new, young mutants? It wasn’t well received, getting a solid 35% on the TomatoMeter. Which is, really, pretty good if you consider the last time they tried this; the 1996 Fox TV Movie, “Generation X” starring Finola Hughes, Jeremy Ratchford, and Matt Frewer. Do yourself a favour and just re-watch “Max Headroom”. It’ll have better special effects.
And THOSE are your Horrible-Scopes for this week! Remember if you liked what you got, we’re obviously not working hard enough at these. BUT! If you want a better or nastier one for your own sign or someone else’s, all you need to do to bribe me is just Let Me Know! These will be posted online at the end of each week via Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook and Discord.
0 notes
hey yallll ^_^
new pinned post IDGAF! hello world wide web!! im snowy or sidney, any pronouns, 16 and i am a joyous fellow that draws :3 i do star trek tng stuff mostly i write aswell but only my true Gs shall see it
my favorite little guy is lore if it isnt obvious i love him so much he could punch me in the face and id apologize any other lore fans TALK TO ME NEOWWWW!!!!!!
art requests and questions are ALWAYS open, pls talk to me i love making new oomfies <3 my art can be used without permission, credit me tho :>
instagram ⋆ twitter ⋆ artfight ⋆ rentry
MAIN INTERESTS: star trek (TNG mostly), splatoon, does brent spiner count as an interest
OTHER INTERESTS: ace attorney, aqua teen hunger force, team fortress 2, emesis blue, oneshot, hatsune miku, outcast, animal crossing, blacksad, cult of the lamb, garfield, freak fortress, threshold
MUSIC INTERESTS: Sewerslvt, halley labs, BRN1NG BRA1N SOUND INDUSTRIES, pilotredsun, PengoSolvent, Alex G, Goreshit, TV girl, machine girl, ghost and pals, inabakumori, Jack Stauber, omori ost, splatoon ost (squid sisters, off the hook, wet floor, c-side, bottom feeders, squid squad)
DNI IF:
⋆ racist, homophobic, ableist, zionist, anti semetic, etc
⋆ proshippers DATALORE SHIPPERS THIS INCLUDES YOU I LIVE IN YOUR WALLS
⋆ just weirdos in general ill block u if i dont feel comfy with u :/
guide to what i post!!! :3
#snowy art: my art tag!!
#rambling: my talk/questions tag :D
#snowy goobers: my oc tag!!!!!! i love my little guys
#snowbot: MY OC X CANON/SELSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please ask me about them i love them so so so much <3
12 notes
·
View notes