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#p: s003
drlissahawthorne · 4 years
Text
and now I’m bleeding
Who: Clarissa Hawthorne ft. Jill Montgomery
When:  Night, Friday, December 4, 2020
Where: Clarissa’s apartment
What: After returning home from her evening spent with Elias, Clarissa has to refocus herself and ends up doing something she’s never done before.
Warnings: past abuse, a lot of talk of metaphorical wounds bleeding out, also part of this reads very disjointed and kind of like a panic attack
Word Count: 2658
Notes:  Part 2 of 3. Part 1. Part 3.
There was something about getting home after what was, essentially, a night out that always left Clarissa feeling odd, but for once, it wasn’t her eyes. Well, at least not only her eyes. Given that she hadn’t really been anywhere that would bother her eyes, the fact they weren’t what had her feeling the way she did made sense. However, it didn’t really matter, in the grand scheme of things.
Normally, when she felt off like this, she’d take a long relaxing shower and then go about her usual nightly routine, play video games for a little while, or if she had the time, bake something. But as she was sitting there, trying to focus her attention on her television after her shower, she just couldn’t. Her eyes were fine, but it was like her brain couldn’t switch into gaming mode. Everything about how she felt was just wrong.
With a frustrated sigh, Clarissa turned off her Playstation and her TV, and grabbed her guitar from where it sat in the corner of the room. Music was the sort of thing her brain could do, essentially, on autopilot. At first she just played whatever song came into her head. She knew a number of songs, having spent perhaps too much time just learning to cover songs while she was learning to play. 
However, the more she played, the less she could focus. Her mind was elsewhere, thinking about other things. Her relationship with Elias. The trips they’d taken. That time she’d spent the holidays with him and his family. The different ways she’d gotten to know him, and in turn, the way he’d learned about her. 
Eventually, she found herself sitting at her piano, just playing different notes trying to figure out what sounded right in her head. It was a melody, something so distinct. Like if you tried to put melancholy into music without actually using words. Because that’s what she felt. She felt melancholy. She never imagined she’d get the kind of closure she received and yet, sitting there, she didn’t feel better for it. There was a sense of longing attached. Part of her was mourning the loss of that relationship all over again.
As she sat there, trying and trying to get the melody right, other things were coming to her. Words, lyrics, ideas. The imagery of the ways he’d picked her up off the ground, dusted her off. Framed the parts of herself she’d grown to hate in ways that made them shine. Those same ways that made her ache now for other reasons. Made her feel loved and wanted. The way she’d been willing to accept the lies he’d told her after a fight. The way she brushed off everything that everyone else told her about him.
The more she sat there trying to get a single melody correct, the more she started realising that it wasn’t just one, it was many. A jumbled mess of lyrics and melodies all trying to be created at one time. The same way her memories of him often came back to her. The good and the bad all mixed together. Only ever coming when she’d gotten to a point where she was okay with not thinking about him. With existing in the world without the marks he’d left her with. The mental scars that came from the kind of treatment she’d never deserved, even on her worst days.
The worst part was, she wasn’t sure how to organise all of it. There were just so many chunks and pieces that she really didn’t know which way to go about it, so she just started writing them all down in her phone. Some of them were big chunks, others just short phrases. None of it really made sense, but it was a start. The kind of start she needed to actually be able to make something of everything that she was feeling.
In all honesty, until she’d run into him, Clarissa hadn’t really thought too heavily on her relationship with Elias for a decent amount of time. It’d been like nine years since they’d broken up, since that fateful day in his kitchen where they’d had one of the worst screaming matches she’d ever had with anyone. It was also the only time he’d ever laid his hands on her in such a way that seemed malicious in nature. He’d grabbed her by the arm when she’d gone to leave. She could still remember the feeling of his fingers gripping her bicep. Nails just barely starting to dig in.
It was like having run into him had opened the floodgates on every reason why she’d stayed and every reason why she’d left. The old feelings that she’d never gotten closure on. That had left a gaping wound in her chest that she’d chosen to fill with cats and friends and her work. Now it was ripped back open and aching in a way she’d never felt it ache before. As much as she knew this hadn’t been his intentions, that he’d just taken a chance occurrence to tell her the truth, some part of it felt entirely too cruel. Cruel in a way that fit Elias more than Clarissa really wanted to admit to. He’d never been purposefully cruel, or well, she hadn’t even thought he had been. But that evening, as he’d sat there talking about what all he thought she deserved, about how great she was, all she could think about was how it was too much. The kind of thing someone much closer to her would say, but he wasn’t close to her, not anymore. Yet he could still read her like an open book. Tell her the things she wanted to hear. Make the parts of her she loathed shine like something else. It’s what he’d always been exceptionally good at. It’s what had made her easy to have power over. Easy to control, in a sense. Because he knew what to say, how to say it, because he could read it all over her.
The more she wrote things down, the more things started clumping together and she found herself moving over to her laptop instead, needing the aid of her keyboard to keep up with the speed at which ideas were flowing in and out of her head. There one moment, gone the next, just to come back around or change. 
Part of her wondered, for the briefest moments, if this is why people kept journals, so that things like this didn’t happen. So that they didn’t have years and years of memories and information trying to escape them in one go. She also wondered why in the world she’d never actually bothered to deal with any of it. Sure, she’d been heartbroken and had slowly come to terms with the fact that what he’d done had been abusive in nature, but she’d never actually done more than just have someone else, usually Jill, tell her such things. Even then, even after she’d agreed that yes, what he’d done had been toxic and not good, her use of the word abuse had been… limited if used at all. 
For Clarissa, she’d never wanted to outright admit that it was that, because some part of her didn’t want to see the scars. She didn’t want to see herself as the kind of person who got into an abusive relationship. She didn't want to be the kind of person who was a victim of abuse. Because abuse came with lasting damage. Damage that Clarissa didn’t think she had. No, she wasn’t that kind of person.
And yet she was.
Elias had said it himself. He’d been abusive. What he had done, had had that kind of damage. He’d been the person who made Clarissa swear off relationships. Decide that dating and love and having people see her in her most intimate moments was something she didn’t want. Something she didn’t deserve. The lasting damage was there, spread across multiple notes. Aching in her chest. Bleeding out of her fingers as if she’d split at the seams.
The more she wrote, the more she remembered and the more overwhelming the ache in her chest became. She felt like she was twenty-one again. Like she was back in Pittsburgh and she’d just gotten home from his place. The phantom feelings of his hand on her arm. The fresh sting of tears in her eyes as she tried to explain what was wrong. As she tried to find the words to describe the kind of hurt she was feeling. The betrayal. The heartbreak. The wounds beneath wounds that were all aching and bleeding out. The reminder that no one actually wanted to deal with her as she was. That she wasn’t the kind of person worth putting up with.
With shaking hands, Clarissa called Jill. She needed to talk to her.. She couldn’t just be alone right now. 
“Lissa? Honey, it’s late, what’s wrong?” The voice of her former roommate came through the line and Clarissa’s breath caught in her throat.
“He- I saw him again,” she choked out.
“Who? What’s going on? What happened?” The concern in Jill’s voice did nothing to keep the tears threatening to fall at bay. If anything, it just spurred them on.
“Elias.” She could barely say the name, knowing that Jill wouldn’t react well. She’d never liked him, and with good reason. Elias had tried to drive them apart. Jill had been the first person to warn her about him. 
“What?! Oh honey, I’m so sorry.”
“So is he,” she whispered, words nearly lost to the sob that caught in her throat. “He- he said he was sorry for what he did to me. What he- Why does it still hurt?”
“I don’t know, honey. Maybe because you never dealt with it. Maybe because even when things heal they still hurt.” 
For a while all that could be heard on either end of the line was the sound of Clarissa crying. And cry she did. She cried for every moment she should have left him but didn’t. For every fight. For the fact she still held feelings for him. Could still see that perfect smile that disarmed her. For the fact he could still read her like a book. And she cried because it was over. Cried that she’d never have to see him again if she didn’t want to. That he’d given her his number with the knowledge that she didn’t have to use it. He’d told her she could delete it and never text him to meet up again and that he’d understand. That he understood she didn’t owe him anything, but that he was thankful he’d given him her evening all the same.
Once she’d cried herself out, all three of her cats having come over to lay on or near her, gave her fingers something to do than pick at the stitches of her couch, she sighed.
“You wanna talk about how all this happened?” Jill’s voice was gentle, an offer to talk, with the knowledge it could be denied.
“We just walked into each other on the street. Had he not said my name I doubt I’d have even known he was there. And then we went for dinner and we sort of talked about it. About what he’d done. About what happened with him after we broke up. How he got help. Was made to realise what he’d done to me. It was everything I wanted to hear but didn’t know I wanted to hear. Didn’t think I’d ever even remotely get to hear. And then, we just talked and ate, and it felt like things had never changed. But he’d been vulnerable and he’d offered me the way out. Told me I’d never have to see him again if I didn’t want to. That if he didn’t hear from me before the new year that he’d delete my number and consider that the answer to whether I needed more answers. It was more than excuses, it was giving me the reins. Letting me decide for him. Giving me the control and the power over the situation in a way he never had before.”
Jill just listened quietly as Clarissa spoke. She’d never actually heard Clarissa talk so openly about Elias before. Even after the breakup, Clarissa had always kept things like that to herself. The way he’d made her feel. The things he’d done. It was often just Jill talking with Clarissa agreeing or disagreeing about certain things. It was how things had always gone. So, to hear the other talk about how he was so openly was odd, but felt like progress nine years in the making.
“Okay. Well, are you going to?”
“What?”
“Are you going to talk to him again?”
“I don’t know. I- it all hurts, Jill Everything about it hurts. Having him acknowledge what happened like that… It’s overwhelming.”
“I imagine it is. Well, you have time, Lissa. Think it over, okay? If you need more from him, get it, but don’t do so at the damage of yourself, okay? Like he said, it’s your choice. You don’t owe him anything, you already gave him your evening, and if it hurts too much, then you don’t have to put yourself through more.”
“I know, I know. I just-”
“You remembered why you fell for him in the first place?”
“Yeah, that.”
“And that’s okay. He was always charming and sweet, and in some ways I’m glad that was genuine, but you also have to remember the damage he did. I know you hate thinking about that, I know, but you need to consider it. Just because he has changed, or appears to have changed, doesn’t mean you have to give him anymore of your time,”
Clarissa sighed, staring at her computer screen. There were so many open notes. All with varying lengths of things. “I think I wrote songs.” 
“Oh?” It was a change of subject, but Jill was used to that with Clarissa. The other really hated getting too deep into her own feelings, at least where her exes were involved and it was always best to just let it go. 
“Yeah. I don’t know. I can’t read any of it.”
“Is it on paper or?”
“No, no. It’s on my laptop, and my phone, and I just can’t read any of it. God, my eyes hurt so fucking much. Why does crying always make it hurt more?” Clarissa groaned.
“Well, if you ever turn that into something, I get dibs on first listen. As for why crying hurts more, because that’s just how crying works for everyone, you’re just unfortunate enough to already have bad eyes. Also, do you realize what time it is?”
“Of course, well, actually, Andrea probably will have first listen, but the first person who gets sent the recording will be you.” She sighed. “No? What time is it?”
“I will hold you to that. As for the time, nearly midnight.”
Clarissa groaned, head falling into her hands. “Fuck. I told Andrea I’d come hang out with them and Charlie this weekend. They’re gonna be here early and I’m nowhere near ready to consider sleeping.”
“I’m sure they’ll understand if you’re tired, honey. And I’ll stay up with you, as long as you need me to. You know that.”
“I know, but I still don’t like it.” She sighed. “Thank you, Jill. I don’t think I tell you often enough, how thankful I am for everything you’ve done for me over the years.”
“It’s what friends are for, Lissa. Just keep sending me baked goods and we’ll be good, okay?” They both laughed.
“I can definitely do that.”
Over the next hour or so, Clarissa and Jill talked while Clarissa got herself ready for bed, and for her weekend with her sibling.
“Night, love you.”
“Night, Lissa, love you too.”
3 notes · View notes
lissahawthorne · 3 years
Text
and now i’m bleeding
Who: Clarissa Hawthorne ft. Jill Montgomery
When:  Night, Friday, December 4, 2020
Where: Clarissa’s apartment
What: After returning home from her evening spent with Elias, Clarissa has to refocus herself and ends up doing something she’s never done before.
Warnings: past abuse, a lot of talk of metaphorical wounds bleeding out, also part of this reads very disjointed and kind of like a panic attack
Word Count: 2658
Notes:  Part 2 of 3. Part 1. Part 3.
There was something about getting home after what was, essentially, a night out that always left Clarissa feeling odd, but for once, it wasn’t her eyes. Well, at least not only her eyes. Given that she hadn’t really been anywhere that would bother her eyes, the fact they weren’t what had her feeling the way she did made sense. However, it didn’t really matter, in the grand scheme of things.
Normally, when she felt off like this, she’d take a long relaxing shower and then go about her usual nightly routine, play video games for a little while, or if she had the time, bake something. But as she was sitting there, trying to focus her attention on her television after her shower, she just couldn’t. Her eyes were fine, but it was like her brain couldn’t switch into gaming mode. Everything about how she felt was just wrong.
With a frustrated sigh, Clarissa turned off her Playstation and her TV, and grabbed her guitar from where it sat in the corner of the room. Music was the sort of thing her brain could do, essentially, on autopilot. At first she just played whatever song came into her head. She knew a number of songs, having spent perhaps too much time just learning to cover songs while she was learning to play.
However, the more she played, the less she could focus. Her mind was elsewhere, thinking about other things. Her relationship with Elias. The trips they’d taken. That time she’d spent the holidays with him and his family. The different ways she’d gotten to know him, and in turn, the way he’d learned about her.
Eventually, she found herself sitting at her piano, just playing different notes trying to figure out what sounded right in her head. It was a melody, something so distinct. Like if you tried to put melancholy into music without actually using words. Because that’s what she felt. She felt melancholy. She never imagined she’d get the kind of closure she received and yet, sitting there, she didn’t feel better for it. There was a sense of longing attached. Part of her was mourning the loss of that relationship all over again.
As she sat there, trying and trying to get the melody right, other things were coming to her. Words, lyrics, ideas. The imagery of the ways he’d picked her up off the ground, dusted her off. Framed the parts of herself she’d grown to hate in ways that made them shine. Those same ways that made her ache now for other reasons. Made her feel loved and wanted. The way she’d been willing to accept the lies he’d told her after a fight. The way she brushed off everything that everyone else told her about him.
The more she sat there trying to get a single melody correct, the more she started realising that it wasn’t just one, it was many. A jumbled mess of lyrics and melodies all trying to be created at one time. The same way her memories of him often came back to her. The good and the bad all mixed together. Only ever coming when she’d gotten to a point where she was okay with not thinking about him. With existing in the world without the marks he’d left her with. The mental scars that came from the kind of treatment she’d never deserved, even on her worst days.
The worst part was, she wasn’t sure how to organise all of it. There were just so many chunks and pieces that she really didn’t know which way to go about it, so she just started writing them all down in her phone. Some of them were big chunks, others just short phrases. None of it really made sense, but it was a start. The kind of start she needed to actually be able to make something of everything that she was feeling.
In all honesty, until she’d run into him, Clarissa hadn’t really thought too heavily on her relationship with Elias for a decent amount of time. It’d been like nine years since they’d broken up, since that fateful day in his kitchen where they’d had one of the worst screaming matches she’d ever had with anyone. It was also the only time he’d ever laid his hands on her in such a way that seemed malicious in nature. He’d grabbed her by the arm when she’d gone to leave. She could still remember the feeling of his fingers gripping her bicep. Nails just barely starting to dig in.
It was like having run into him had opened the floodgates on every reason why she’d stayed and every reason why she’d left. The old feelings that she’d never gotten closure on. That had left a gaping wound in her chest that she’d chosen to fill with cats and friends and her work. Now it was ripped back open and aching in a way she’d never felt it ache before. As much as she knew this hadn’t been his intentions, that he’d just taken a chance occurrence to tell her the truth, some part of it felt entirely too cruel. Cruel in a way that fit Elias more than Clarissa really wanted to admit to. He’d never been purposefully cruel, or well, she hadn’t even thought he had been. But that evening, as he’d sat there talking about what all he thought she deserved, about how great she was, all she could think about was how it was too much. The kind of thing someone much closer to her would say, but he wasn’t close to her, not anymore. Yet he could still read her like an open book. Tell her the things she wanted to hear. Make the parts of her she loathed shine like something else. It’s what he’d always been exceptionally good at. It’s what had made her easy to have power over. Easy to control, in a sense. Because he knew what to say, how to say it, because he could read it all over her.
The more she wrote things down, the more things started clumping together and she found herself moving over to her laptop instead, needing the aid of her keyboard to keep up with the speed at which ideas were flowing in and out of her head. There one moment, gone the next, just to come back around or change.
Part of her wondered, for the briefest moments, if this is why people kept journals, so that things like this didn’t happen. So that they didn’t have years and years of memories and information trying to escape them in one go. She also wondered why in the world she’d never actually bothered to deal with any of it. Sure, she’d been heartbroken and had slowly come to terms with the fact that what he’d done had been abusive in nature, but she’d never actually done more than just have someone else, usually Jill, tell her such things. Even then, even after she’d agreed that yes, what he’d done had been toxic and not good, her use of the word abuse had been… limited if used at all.
For Clarissa, she’d never wanted to outright admit that it was that, because some part of her didn’t want to see the scars. She didn’t want to see herself as the kind of person who got into an abusive relationship. She didn’t want to be the kind of person who was a victim of abuse. Because abuse came with lasting damage. Damage that Clarissa didn’t think she had. No, she wasn’t that kind of person.
And yet she was.
Elias had said it himself. He’d been abusive. What he had done, had had that kind of damage. He’d been the person who made Clarissa swear off relationships. Decide that dating and love and having people see her in her most intimate moments was something she didn’t want. Something she didn’t deserve. The lasting damage was there, spread across multiple notes. Aching in her chest. Bleeding out of her fingers as if she’d split at the seams.
The more she wrote, the more she remembered and the more overwhelming the ache in her chest became. She felt like she was twenty-one again. Like she was back in Pittsburgh and she’d just gotten home from his place. The phantom feelings of his hand on her arm. The fresh sting of tears in her eyes as she tried to explain what was wrong. As she tried to find the words to describe the kind of hurt she was feeling. The betrayal. The heartbreak. The wounds beneath wounds that were all aching and bleeding out. The reminder that no one actually wanted to deal with her as she was. That she wasn’t the kind of person worth putting up with.
With shaking hands, Clarissa called Jill. She needed to talk to her.. She couldn’t just be alone right now.
“Lissa? Honey, it’s late, what’s wrong?” The voice of her former roommate came through the line and Clarissa’s breath caught in her throat.
“He- I saw him again,” she choked out.
“Who? What’s going on? What happened?” The concern in Jill’s voice did nothing to keep the tears threatening to fall at bay. If anything, it just spurred them on.
“Elias.” She could barely say the name, knowing that Jill wouldn’t react well. She’d never liked him, and with good reason. Elias had tried to drive them apart. Jill had been the first person to warn her about him.
“What?! Oh honey, I’m so sorry.”
“So is he,” she whispered, words nearly lost to the sob that caught in her throat. “He- he said he was sorry for what he did to me. What he- Why does it still hurt?”
“I don’t know, honey. Maybe because you never dealt with it. Maybe because even when things heal they still hurt.”
For a while all that could be heard on either end of the line was the sound of Clarissa crying. And cry she did. She cried for every moment she should have left him but didn’t. For every fight. For the fact she still held feelings for him. Could still see that perfect smile that disarmed her. For the fact he could still read her like a book. And she cried because it was over. Cried that she’d never have to see him again if she didn’t want to. That he’d given her his number with the knowledge that she didn’t have to use it. He’d told her she could delete it and never text him to meet up again and that he’d understand. That he understood she didn’t owe him anything, but that he was thankful he’d given him her evening all the same.
Once she’d cried herself out, all three of her cats having come over to lay on or near her, gave her fingers something to do than pick at the stitches of her couch, she sighed.
“You wanna talk about how all this happened?” Jill’s voice was gentle, an offer to talk, with the knowledge it could be denied.
“We just walked into each other on the street. Had he not said my name I doubt I’d have even known he was there. And then we went for dinner and we sort of talked about it. About what he’d done. About what happened with him after we broke up. How he got help. Was made to realise what he’d done to me. It was everything I wanted to hear but didn’t know I wanted to hear. Didn’t think I’d ever even remotely get to hear. And then, we just talked and ate, and it felt like things had never changed. But he’d been vulnerable and he’d offered me the way out. Told me I’d never have to see him again if I didn’t want to. That if he didn’t hear from me before the new year that he’d delete my number and consider that the answer to whether I needed more answers. It was more than excuses, it was giving me the reins. Letting me decide for him. Giving me the control and the power over the situation in a way he never had before.”
Jill just listened quietly as Clarissa spoke. She’d never actually heard Clarissa talk so openly about Elias before. Even after the breakup, Clarissa had always kept things like that to herself. The way he’d made her feel. The things he’d done. It was often just Jill talking with Clarissa agreeing or disagreeing about certain things. It was how things had always gone. So, to hear the other talk about how he was so openly was odd, but felt like progress nine years in the making.
“Okay. Well, are you going to?”
“What?”
“Are you going to talk to him again?”
“I don’t know. I- it all hurts, Jill Everything about it hurts. Having him acknowledge what happened like that… It’s overwhelming.”
“I imagine it is. Well, you have time, Lissa. Think it over, okay? If you need more from him, get it, but don’t do so at the damage of yourself, okay? Like he said, it’s your choice. You don’t owe him anything, you already gave him your evening, and if it hurts too much, then you don’t have to put yourself through more.”
“I know, I know. I just-”
“You remembered why you fell for him in the first place?”
“Yeah, that.”
“And that’s okay. He was always charming and sweet, and in some ways I’m glad that was genuine, but you also have to remember the damage he did. I know you hate thinking about that, I know, but you need to consider it. Just because he has changed, or appears to have changed, doesn’t mean you have to give him anymore of your time,”
Clarissa sighed, staring at her computer screen. There were so many open notes. All with varying lengths of things. “I think I wrote songs.”
“Oh?” It was a change of subject, but Jill was used to that with Clarissa. The other really hated getting too deep into her own feelings, at least where her exes were involved and it was always best to just let it go.
“Yeah. I don’t know. I can’t read any of it.”
“Is it on paper or?”
“No, no. It’s on my laptop, and my phone, and I just can’t read any of it. God, my eyes hurt so fucking much. Why does crying always make it hurt more?” Clarissa groaned.
“Well, if you ever turn that into something, I get dibs on first listen. As for why crying hurts more, because that’s just how crying works for everyone, you’re just unfortunate enough to already have bad eyes. Also, do you realize what time it is?”
“Of course, well, actually, Andrea probably will have first listen, but the first person who gets sent the recording will be you.” She sighed. “No? What time is it?”
“I will hold you to that. As for the time, nearly midnight.”
Clarissa groaned, head falling into her hands. “Fuck. I told Andrea I’d come hang out with them and Charlie this weekend. They’re gonna be here early and I’m nowhere near ready to consider sleeping.”
“I’m sure they’ll understand if you’re tired, honey. And I’ll stay up with you, as long as you need me to. You know that.”
“I know, but I still don’t like it.” She sighed. “Thank you, Jill. I don’t think I tell you often enough, how thankful I am for everything you’ve done for me over the years.”
“It’s what friends are for, Lissa. Just keep sending me baked goods and we’ll be good, okay?” They both laughed.
“I can definitely do that.”
Over the next hour or so, Clarissa and Jill talked while Clarissa got herself ready for bed, and for her weekend with her sibling.
“Night, love you.”
“Night, Lissa, love you too.”
0 notes
lenanotluthorfabray · 7 years
Text
I’m Not Okay (I Promise) || self-para
Who: Lena Fabray ft. mentions of a bunch of people When: 7.17.17 - 7.22.17 Where: Lena’s room What: Lena locks herself away for a week Warnings: depression, self harm, suicidal idealizations, violence
Notes: so, there is a suicide note in this, just so you know. it’s not something she’ll act on, it’s just something she felt the need to write. It mentions a few people: Quinn, Rory, Brandon, Issy, Dali, Dev, Puck, El, Mike, Vivi, and Oli. So, just be warned.
Once Issy had left on Monday, Lena had collected all of her notebooks, making stacks all over her desk. She was going to archive her writings, partly because it needed to be done and partly because she wanted to make sure she had them all in one place, just in case something happened. 
Monday night would bleed into Tuesday. She’d go without sleep, barely remembering to eat, as she transcribed every last poem, short story, and letter she’d never sent. Before she knew it most of the notebooks were on the floor. Her phone had died in that time, but she did nothing about it, simply leaving it be. Not in the mood to deal with people.
Wednesday saw her curled in bed all day, crying with the sound of Doctor Who to drown out her sobs. She couldn’t even figure out why she was crying, she just was. Everything felt like it was too much. As if her entire existence was trying to drown her. She would stay there until Thursday morning, when she needed to get up and make herself presentable for therapy, having just enough time to paint her nails. 
Post therapy, she’d walked by the river, the feeling of throwing herself in and not fighting it much stronger than usual. She’d ran from there, trying to get the thoughts from head. After almost an hour of running, things were just worse and she’d punched a column, trying to bring herself back to reality. She split the skin of her knuckles and quickly made her way home, cleaning up the wound and taking a seat at her laptop, ignoring the pain in her left hand.
If you’re reading this,
I guess you’ve found my laptop and decided to see why I did what I did. How you cracked the encryption password on this file,  will never fucking know.
I don’t fucking know. Everything is too much, but it’s not enough. Music doesn’t drown out the silence. It doesn’t even drown out the voices in my own head. Guess that’s the problem. The demons learned how to speak and all they did was scream. 
I’m not even fucking alone. My sister’s fucking pregnant. My best friend is great. Her boy-toy thing-a-fuck is good to her. Oli-bear, Dali, hell even Puck, they’re all here for me. But I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling numb, of dragging them down with me. Of making everything about a me because I can’t handle my own shit, much less theirs.
Q-ball, I’m sorry. I let you down. I guess I couldn’t take the pressure.
Rory, watch after Q for me.
Brandon, don’t fuck it up with Q or I’ll haunt your ass from whatever afterlife I might end up in.
Issy, baby I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I never meant to hurt you. I know I did and this has to be the worst thing I could have done, but I did. I have loved you since the day we met, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that enough.
Dali, keep making chocolate chip pancakes for people. Braid their hair. Hope you get through to them before it’s too late. I don’t blame you. Sometimes you can’t save them all, you’ll learn that’s okay, or I hope you will. Keep dancing, keep singing, keep being you.
Dev, for fuck’s sake dump his ass or I’ll haunt yours.
Noah, I don’t know how I feel about you. I’m sorry we never got to figure that out. Find someone better, someone not as broken, next time. If there is one.
El, you are stronger than you know. You can make it through this. I promise. Even if you can’t, that’s okay, I couldn’t either.
Mike, keep going on long drives to nowhere.
Vivi, those cookies were the best things I’ve had to eat in a while, thank you. Keep your glittery self going.
Oli-bear, baby girl, I’m sorry. If I’ve read the signs right, you fell for a hopeless cause and I am so sorry. If I was someone else, someone not so fucked up, maybe you’d have found someone to properly love. 
To everyone else who might mourn me, I am sorry. Not for what I did, but because you feel as though you need to.
- Eleanor Grace Fabray
She saved the file, naming ‘death’ and password protecting it. At some point she had started crying and all she could do was walk over to her window, pick her lighter up off the windowsill and held one wrist then the other over it until all she felt was solid pain, before passing out.
She’d wake up the next morning, tend to her wounds and started archiving more of her writing. Around 5 pm she heard it, her sister return home but retreat down the stairs. That wasn’t normal and she’d slipped from her room and sat on the stairs, eavesdropping on the entire ordeal as best she could. It made her chest ache and as her sister was ordered out of the house, she’d rushed back into her room and packed her duffle. She charged her phone before tossing the cord into her other bag.
The text from Issy had been expected, on some level, but she still didn’t want it. She didn’t want anyone. She just wanted her own chaos to consume her, but it seemed her best friend wasn’t giving her the option to.
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redand51ue · 4 years
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THE REAL McCOY’S Lot. S003 WWII Replica Jeans #realmccoys #realmccoys003 #prontodenim via ✨ @padgram ✨(http://dl.padgram.com) https://www.instagram.com/p/CEYJbfVDpOS/
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trendmood1 · 5 years
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Available Now! 🚨💄 online @lovehappimess *Use code TRENDMOOD for 15% . . You already know I love their eyeshadows, now I’m ready to try their NEW! Meet Icicle #LiquidLipstick 💄💄💄 Fluffy, matte, cream to powder liquid lipstick have a unique cushion formula, comfortable for all day wear. Inspired by a popsicle fresh out of the freezer $9 each in 3 shades : S400- Honey Gelato S107- Grapefruit Soda S003- Jujube Jam . I love that you can layer it for full coverage or diffused for a blotted lip look 👄 The formula feels super comfortable, velvety-creamy texture, gives an even coverage and it’s buildable (it doesn’t dry completely), love them! Hoping to see more shades soon . What shades did u get? ❤️💄💋XO #Trendmood #happimess #happimesspartner . . . #instabeauty #beauty #beautyaddict #cosmetics #bbloggers #bblogger #beautyaddict #beautyblog #beautycare #makeupart #makeupartist #makeupblogger #makeupobsessed https://www.instagram.com/p/BztInrVBtBX/?igshid=5v3j4qmfdnn2
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cokesbaba · 4 years
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Sn LITIGATION LAWYER Location: ABUJA SUBJECT: LIT-S003-Law EMAIL: [email protected] OFFER 100k net T&C APPLIES  #litigation #lawyer #bsc #graduate #jobopening #hiring & #jobinterview |#tweet #followme @cokesbaba & TAG #cokesbaba #thecokesman on any #job, I'll #verify  #jobalert #legal #careerfair #cv #follow #jobs #training & #tips #hashtags #tag #instajob #jobsinabuja #law (at Abuja, Nigeria) https://www.instagram.com/p/CDs1yxdlEEN/?igshid=12blix8inbyqo
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letoffedesaba-blog · 4 years
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ŒIL QUI PANSE 🌼 La talentueuse Cécile, @cc.ilfautunnomenvoilaun, s’est amusée à créer cette illustration intitulée « œil qui panse » avec @zelisayu portant notre #hijab en satin de soie Jaune Orangé S003. #madeinnormandie #hijabart #hijabstyle #hijabi #hijabistyle https://www.instagram.com/p/CCBmDp0B40k/?igshid=11r2lhiflj8w8
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90jeduardo-blog · 5 years
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Ways to Make Your Home More Age-Friendly If it's time to renovate, consider moves that will keep you in your house longer. https://www.kiplinger.com/slideshow/retirement/T029-S003-ways-to-make-your-home-more-age-friendly/index.html . . . #retirement #retire #retired #myhouse #myhome #yourhome #yourhouse #house #home #agefriendly #grandparents #oldpeople #startup #startups #start-ups #leader #leadership #inenglish #entrepreneurlifestyle #talentmatters #entrepreneurs #entrepreneur #motivation #business #career #businesslike #Forbes #innovative #innovation #entrepreneurial https://www.instagram.com/p/Bv69KSBnkE1/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=6cvw5hmpqtan
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90jeduardo-blog1 · 6 years
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Reporting Charitable IRA Distributions on Tax Returns Can Be Confusing Taxpayers need to be careful when reporting charitable gifts from their IRA on their tax returns, or they may end up overpaying Uncle Sam. https://www.kiplinger.com/article/retirement/T045-C001-S003-charitable-ira-distributions-on-tax-returns.html . . . . #charitable #taxreturn #tax #taxes #startup #startups #start-ups #leader #leadership #inenglish #entrepreneurlifestyle #talentmatters #entrepreneurs #entrepreneur #motivation #business #career #businesslike #Forbes #innovative #innovation #entrepreneurial #entrepreneurship #personalfinances https://www.instagram.com/p/Butums8HfPq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1amg91dej8tyt
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quangvublog · 4 years
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Hướng dẫn tìm thư mục chiếm nhiều dung lượng trên Linux
Là một Linux Administrator, bạn sẽ phải kiểm tra định kỳ những file và thư mục nào đang sử dụng nhiều dung lượng đĩa nhất để dọn dẹp. Việc này rất cần thiết để tìm ra những mảnh dữ liệu rác không cần thiết và giải phóng chúng ra khỏi ổ đĩa cứng.
Trong bài viết này mình sẽ trình bày hướng dẫn một cách ngắn gọn nhất – cách để tìm ra những file và thư mục chiếm nhiều dung lượng nhất trên hệ thống Linux bằng các lệnh du và find.
Cách tìm ra file và thư mục chiếm nhiều dung lượng
Chạy lệnh sau để tìm ra các thư mục to nhất nằm trong thư mục /home/lap60267
# du -a /home/lap60267 | sort -n -r | head -n 5 61295008 /home/lap60267/ 25270900 /home/lap60267/vmware 25270896 /home/lap60267/vmware/Windows 7 x64 19274900 /home/lap60267/Documents 17229080 /home/lap60267/Documents/Windows 32
Lệnh trên sẽ hiển thị 5 thư mục to nhất nằm trong /home/lap60267
Chỉ hiển thị những thư mục có kích thước lớn nhất
Nếu bạn muốn hiển thị các thư mục lớn nhất trong thư mục hiện tại đang làm việc, bạn có thể chạy lệnh sau:
# du -a | sort -n -r | head -n 5
Tiếp theo mình sẽ giải thích từng tham số trong dòng lệnh trên:
du: lệnh dùng để ước tính dung lượng đĩa được sử dụng
a: hiển thị tất cả file và thư mục
sort: lệnh để sắp xếp các dòng file text
-n: so sánh theo giá trị chuỗi số
-r: đảo ngược kết quả so sánh
head: output đầu tiên của file
-n: in ra n dòng đầu tiên (trong trường hợp ở trên in ra 5 dòng)
Đôi khi bạn sẽ muốn hiển thị các kết quả ở trên theo định dạng để dễ đọc nhất, bạn sẽ muốn hiển thị dung lượng ở dạng KB, MB hay GB.
# du -hs * | sort -rh | head -5 25G vmware 19G Documents 7,9G Downloads 299M myprojects 288M eclipse
Lệnh bên trên sẽ hiển thị top các thư mục sử dụng nhiều dung lượng đĩa nhất. Nếu bạn thấy một số thư mục không quan trọng, bạn có thể xóa các thư mục con hay toàn bộ thư mục đó đi để giải phóng dung lượng lưu trữ cho hệ thống máy tính của mình.
Để hiển thị các file và thư mục lớn nhất bao gồm cả các thư mục con, chạy lệnh sau:
# du -Sh | sort -rh | head -5 25G ./vmware/Windows 7 x64 17G ./Documents/Windows 32 7,9G ./Downloads 1,9G ./Documents/backup/AZDIGI 1,1G ./.cache/mozilla/firefox/6usiax3w.default/cache2/entries
Các tham số ở câu lệnh trên có ý nghĩa như sau:
du: lệnh dùng để ước tính dung lượng đĩa được sử dụng
-h: in ra kích thước ở định dạng dễ đọc (ví dụ 1GB)
-S: không bao gồm kích thước của các thư mục con
-s: chỉ hiển thị tổng cho mỗi tham số
sort: lệnh để sắp xếp các dòng file text
-r: đảo ngược kết quả so sánh
head: output đầu tiên của file
Chỉ hiển thị những file có kích thước lớn nhất
Nếu bạn chỉ muốn xem những file có kích thước lớn nhất, chạy lệnh sau:
# find -type f -exec du -Sh {} + | sort -rh | head -n 5 4,0G ./vmware/Windows 7 x64/Windows 7 x64-s004.vmdk 4,0G ./vmware/Windows 7 x64/Windows 7 x64-s002.vmdk 4,0G ./vmware/Windows 7 x64/Windows 7 x64-s001.vmdk 4,0G ./Documents/Windows 32/Windows 7-s001.vmdk 3,9G ./Documents/Windows 32/Windows 7-000002-s003.vmdk
Để tìm những file lớn nhất ở một vị trí cụ thể, bạn chỉ cần sử dụng lệnh file
# find /home/lap60267/Downloads/ -type f -exec du -Sh {} + | sort -rh | head -n 5 Hoặc # find /home/lap60267/Downloads/ -type f -printf "%s %p\n" | sort -rn | head -n 5
Lệnh ở trên sẽ hiển thị các file có kích thước lớn nhất trong thư mục /home/lap60267/Downloads/
Thường thì khi quản trị hệ thống Linux chúng ta thường xuyên phải kiểm tra tra và giám sát dung lượng ổ đĩa để dự phòng trước và đôi khi là dọn dẹp rác. Để tìm ra những file và thư mục có kích thước lớn nhất bây giờ không còn là vấn gì khó khăn gì nữa. Thậm chí ngay cả đối với những người quản trị Linux mới bắt đầu.
The post Hướng dẫn tìm thư mục chiếm nhiều dung lượng trên Linux appeared first on Quang Vũ Blog.
source https://blog.vu-review.com/kiem-tra-dung-luong-thu-muc-lon-nhat.html
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blog2social · 6 years
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Flash Stock Rom on Lenovo X2-TC MT6595 S003 
Flash Stock Rom on Lenovo X2-TC MT6595 S003 
How to Flash Stock Firmware on Lenovo X2-TC MT6595 S003 :We use SP Flash tool but we also give you all possible and available Flashing methods and all available Stock firmwares to Flash Stock Rom on Lenovo X2-TC MT6595 S003 . Don’t worry If you really want to Flash a Rom to Unbrick, Rollback, Repair, unroot, full system restore then you are in right…
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letoffedesaba-blog · 4 years
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Weather it is our Georgette, our crepe or our beautiful and silky satin, all our #silkhijabs are #madeinfrance. Woven and dyed in France, our #silksatin is a fine, smooth, soft and shiny fabric. It has a shiny side and a Matt one, both wearable without any creases. We use natural silk handcrafted in #normandy, our home. We hope that you and your loved ones are in good health and safety. Please #stayhomestaysafe. Silk satin hijab and scarf in Black S001, in Quetsche purple S002, In Orange Gold S003, in Rose Framboise S004 and in Russian Green S005. Find more silk satin on our website www.letoffedesaba.com. (à Stay Home Stay Safe) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_M68vKjK_C/?igshid=1f3quxv6fhbks
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90jeduardo-blog · 6 years
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Making the Most of a Health Savings Account Once You Turn Age 65 You'll face a stiff penalty and taxes if you tap your HSA for non-medical expenses before the age of 65. After that, the rules change. https://www.kiplinger.com/article/retirement/T037-C001-S003-making-the-most-of-a-health-savings-account-age-65.html . . . . . . #healthsavings #savings #retirement #startup #startups #start-ups #leader #leadership #inenglish #entrepreneurlifestyle #talentmatters #entrepreneurs #entrepreneur #motivation #business #career #businesslike #Forbes #innovative #innovation #entrepreneurial #entrepreneurship https://www.instagram.com/p/BvCWWTYHi9w/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=659i0eae43oj
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90jeduardo-blog1 · 6 years
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When You Can Expect to Receive Your Tax Refund The quickest way to receive your tax refund is to file electronically and have the money directly deposited into your bank account. https://www.kiplinger.com/article/taxes/T056-C001-S003-when-you-can-expect-to-receive-your-tax-refund.html . . . . . . . #tax #taxes #taxesrefund #startup #startups #start-ups #leader #leadership #inenglish #entrepreneurlifestyle #talentmatters #entrepreneurs #entrepreneur #motivation #business #career #businesslike #Forbes #innovative #innovation #entrepreneurial #entrepreneurship https://www.instagram.com/p/BuomjLrH33V/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=19rv8cc1cy5yl
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blog2social · 6 years
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 Flash Stock Rom on Haier W858S H01 A2 S S003
 Flash Stock Rom on Haier W858S H01 A2 S S003
 Flash Stock Rom on Haier W858S H01 A2 S S003
We use SP Flash tool but we also give you all possible and available Flashing methods and all available Stock firmwares to Flash Stock Rom on Haier W858S H01 A2 S S003. Don’t worry If you really want to Flash a Rom to Unbrick, Rollback, Repair, unroot, full system restore then you are in right website. so Flash it. as wel, below the guide, we discuss…
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