If you’re new to tumblr, I really recommend customising your theme and choosing an icon. With the new wave of spam bots at the moment, I’m automatically primed to block anyone with the tumblr default icon, a blank theme or numbers at the end of their URL, and have almost blocked real people a few times now. It only takes a couple of minutes and will save you getting blocked from accounts you want to follow.
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the way that i truly am just non-binary still... idk, surprises me? like, i forget that i am, so i have to remind myself that while i am trans, i'm not a man. at the same time, i'm not a woman. i'm just floating out as something else. something totally new.
but that's why it's so hard for me to affirm myself. there is no exact language to describe me that truly encapsulates my experiences. there's very little representation about what it means to be non-binary. it's why i think about it so much, it's why i fixate on it.
the world is extremely binary, and it's influence over my thoughts is still very strong, despite my gender identity.
it can be lonely. it can be confusing.
my bodily dysphoria is so strong but my social dysphoria is ten fold. to a vast majority of people they will never see me as non-binary no matter how many times i say it, and that haunts me.
i know not everyone will be able to instantly see me as my true self wherever i go and whoever i talk to, but the two binary genders are something that we are innately trained to recognise.
if a person recognises me as 1 or 2 and never 3 instantly, it feels. wrong.
why can't you see me as that? no matter how hard i try; why?
maybe HRT and top surgery will get me there, maybe, hopefully, one day. i want to be seen as androgynous, ambigious, first and foremost. someone who perfectly toes the line of masculinity and femininity. i feel like i am that as a person already but i just want people to be able to see that as soon as they see me.
but ultimately what i truly want is reformation of society. i want- no, need, trans acceptance, and abolishment of gender roles and heteropatriarchy. it's the only way i'll ever be able to thrive and feel comfortable. it's easy for you to people to see man and woman, but i wish it were different. i wish it were more that that.
i still haven't changed my name legally, or moved away from my family, so i'd say i'm in the worst of it. i'm just barely getting enough air to breathe. when i change my name, when i move out, when i go on HRT and get top surgery i will feel better.
but those systems put in place to hold up cisheteronormativity will still exist. i'm not sure how i will feel once i'm up to that point. i'll definitely have more air to breathe. but i can't even picture it right now. i'm still looking up from the well. why do i still have to endure more darkness once i'm fully free to be me?
i really hope for a day where that well won't exist and we'll be able to be on equal level a plain and open field. where we'll get to sit next to each other in the warm gaze of the sun, feeling loved, safe, protected and cared for. where we don't have to fight to exist and feel like ourselves. no conflict, no fighting, no hardship. just ourselves and the purity of it.
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having reverse seasonal depression is so funny like. what do you mean that the seasons here aren’t distinct. why is it so warm all the damn time. how do you people live like this. how do you survive when you feel sticky every day when you go outside. it feels like time has slowed down to a crawl and it’s stagnant and awful and hunting me down 😭
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You know what I like about the new episode?
V's and N's reaction when they reunited with J. Even after everything, they still love their boss.
We have N, who is all excited: "It is you!" and then V's amused: "Classic J."
It makes me think that V's and J's relationship were a lot more positive compared to N. I said before that N seems to kinda look up towards J and with how she treated him, he really didn't have to react the way he did but he?? Still likes her and is just happy to see her.
The fandom really made her worse than she actually is and it's so bothersome.
Like I said before, I highly doubt that J's behavior is a standard thing. Yes, she can be mean. Yes, she treated N terrible. But remember, they all got punished in the mansion because of him. Half of the time, she was just following her orders and J is not the kind of type to do things without reason.
Even when she tells him he is useless and terrible in that flashback? I still think he messed up somehow that made her react violently like that. Because so far, they have shown us that J's behavior is not without reason.
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