#paranoia abt ppl not liking me is the worst i think

[spacenintendogs]

man.

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

I'm seeing a lot of online creators I follow falling into increasingly toxic styles of Online Brainrot "Discourse" and its making me really sad. They're getting that flat-behind-the-eyes, closed-mouth-wide-smile look where you can SEE the empathy, kindness and connection to reality dying.

I want to comment and tell them I'm worried abt them but ik it comes off as condescending. at least one of them is a lot younger than me (19yo) and as someone who went through a version of this at that age, it breaks my heart. I know I may just have to unfollow and let them hit rock bottom on this themselves, but.... Christ! Fuck!!!!

and the worst part is that they all seem totally convinced that they've ESCAPED The Brainrot, that they're COMBATTING it, that they've found the "truth" behind the Brainrot and are the ones (sometimes ~The Only Ones~) who are brave enough to tell the world. its not conspiracy crap, just really REALLY bad takes like

"fandom is inherently anti-intellectual, discourages analysis and understanding of texts and needs to be slowed/stopped/actively fought against BECAUSE FANDOM IS DANGEROUS!!!1!!!1!!!1"

or

"being the CEO of a children's clothing brand automatically puts you at suspicion of being a P3d0 because why else would you look at little children's bodies so much" (this one baffles me fr, like??? where do you think all children's clothes come from if not from people designing and making them?)

like just bad, stupid takes that border on paranoia but also you can kinda see how they escalated from other less drastic Terminally Online mindsets

but these ppl used to be saying stuff that was smart, or at least funny and interesting, and in a lot of cases these opinions/styles of content are 180-degree shifts over a week or even a day

like honey. i mean this with all the care and genuine respect I can give. you're not serving hot takes, you're wrong- but more importantly your behavior is really concerning. you're starting fights in your comments and then putting them on blast in main posts/reels. "the haters" have become a stock character for you. you're doing 180 turns on things that used to be core beliefs. please get offline, like FULLY offline, and re-discover the world for a while- and maybe really do seek help. not in the funny online-insult "seek help". I Am Really Worried About You.

god. fuck. so many of these content creators are like 19 years old, and honestly I wish I could magically be in a role/place/physical location to help them because I'M WORRIED. worried like checking-their-feed-now-scares-me-because-im-worried-they-will-have-harmed-themselves. not because they've made any threats but bc their regular content has shifted so drastically and quickly to be angry, cynical and that kind of smiling-with-nothing-behind-the-eyes self-centered Righteous Hate that is indicative of

well

of something going deeply wrong inside

fuck im sry this is just rly upsetting me rn

(ALSO TO BE CLEAR. THIS IS NOT A VAGUEPOST TO ANYONE ON TUMBLR. THIS IS HAPPENING PRIMARILY OR ENTIRELY ON OTHER PLATFORMS. TUMBLR IS THANKFULLY, FOR THE MOST PART, FAR PAST THIS. TUMBLR IS FOR ALL ITS FAULTS A WELL REGULATED ECOSYSTEM THAT KEEPS THIS KIND OF BS LIMITED TO CERTAIN SMALL ECHO CHAMBERS. ITS WHY IM ON HERE AS MY PRIMARY SOCIAL MEDIA.)

[yumenosakiacademy]

whenever i think abt how fear was instilled in2 me secondhand by all the destruction and harassment id witness in fandom, it makes me angry. whenever i think abt how id worry 2 hard abt rbing ships (or even shows/games/etc) tht ppl might not like bc the charas dared 2 b a few yrs apart or they were toxic or they had contrived/complicated circumstances, it makes me angry.

as i think back 2 all tht, it jus makes me feel like it was so unfair, all tht worry. i shouldn't hav had 2 stifle things tht i liked or things tht were interesting jus ppl had sticks up their asses so far tht theyd spew vitriol at all they saw unpalatable 2 them. at stupid things tht one can ignore or laugh at or jus go 'oh ew' instead of bite over.

this fear n discomfort lingers 2 this day, as i fear speaking out of line or fiddle w my fingers wondering if a ship is ok 2 rb or a game ok 2 like bc idk how the fandom feels abt it due 2 any circumstance literally Ever (n no, not jus filthy, depraved, problematic things either. ships between 2 consenting adults. ships between charas who knew each other as kids but might b too close. ships tht get hit by the 'family'fication beam by the fandom, even if theyre not fucking related. ships plagued by the fandom's biphobic venom n ran thru the mud. any form of toxic ship tht hasnt been accepted by fandom already, bc of course any ship They like is ok but god 4bid anything else tht they deem unfit). as, back when i debated returning 2 the con scene post-peak covid era, i fear[ed] what it would b like if i went 2 a con n spoke 2 ppl only 2 realize they would tell me 2 kill myself if i didnt fit inside their lil sanitized boxes or dared 2 like smth they didnt.

im filled w a rage tht comes from all ive denied myself, looking back. im filled w a rage tht comes from a worsening sense of social paranoia. im filled w a rage tht comes from seeing so many nice ppl everywhere get abuse tht they didnt ask 4 or deserve, from seeing ppl take their lives over it even.

i wish the worst 4 all who instill[ed] tht paranoia n anxious feelings in me, 4 making me wary of the communities i once considered potential friends or those i looked up 2. i wish the worst 4 all those who make fandoms a worse place. i wish the worst 4 all those who cannot b decent ppl.

n i wish those who feel this worry can free themselves, 1 day. learn 2 let go n do as they wish, without fear of the hounds tht stare from a distance. no1 should b chained down 4 fear of 'sins' tht r not even close 2 the horrid things n bigotry tht those far worse commit.

[emperorsegg]

as much as i love edelgard, i cant be exposed to any public discussion of fe3h for long periods of time bc i feel very anxious and unwell afterwards. i think they just remind me of how unusually mean-spirited the fe fandom is lol

like idk. it always felt very… paranoia-inducing.

(big rant about fe3h fandom incoming so im putting it under the cut)

like… the sheer amount of “transformative lens/critical discussion” stuff i saw about the game’s writing never felt like it came from a place of “i love this and i want to analyze it from a place of love” - and more “i hate this and i want to whittle it to my own perception of how things should be written”.

not that there wasn’t anything to critique (there absolutely was wrt the questionable racism plotlines, etc.) but… there was this sense of underlying bitterness in these discussions that made me feel extremely uneasy and unconfident wrt talking about my own stances - which usually came from the former position. like i was more naïve from approaching my critiques/analyses with a constructive lens versus a destructive one.

or the constantly moving goalposts of which supports were deemed “problematic” and which ones “weren’t”.

like, with my own otp (edeleth) - it was initially very well-received bc it was a prominent and extremely plot-relevant f/f couple; something that didnt have precedence in fire emblem.

but then as the months rolled by more and more people wrote it off as problematic - whether it was bc “it romanticized teacher/student grooming (ignoring them having only a 3 year age gap and not being teacher/student when they do become romantic)” or “it destroyed edelgard’s powerful, confident personality in her own route for waifubait”.

the shipping goalpost moving got so bad that i lost several friends and mutuals over it; including a friend that i had for 7 years.

a lot of people just acted plain mean in the community too. just. saying the most awful stuff without considering the weight of what they were saying. (eg. i saw someone gleefully say that the release of the fe3h warriors spinoff would be like the collapse of the twin towers for edeleth and dimileth fans - which is. a hell of a phrase to say lol).

and there was a lot of other stuff too. zine drama, fallouts over the most innocuous of shit (i fell out with another friend bc i had the audacity to… politely agree with a legimate criticism of their fan project?), as well as some bullshit of my own making (i did not set my own boundaries w/ this fandom - and it hurt me and many others in the end).

i dunno. i guess what i wanted to say was like… the release of fe engage is making me remember all of this shit again and i feel the need to vent again lol. esp since there’s stupid discourse about the new game and ppl making the absolute worst assumptions abt each other again.

im tired. i hate fire emblem. i wish these idiots would consume more adult works and realize that pissing and moaning over the latest mildly sexy FEH alt or someone pairing their corrin with xander or w/e is stupid and waste of fucking time. its fucking fire emblem, my guy.

90% of the time its a stupid medieval fantasy video game filled with cheesy anime tropes.

do something more productive with your life.

[dyketubbo]

thinkin thoughts abt friendship n stuff (/neg). dont rb obviously

[gayspock]

dont rb, bc actually omg

part of me is, like. im irrational and im paranoid! because whilst i wouldnt consider myself to have, like, any spectacular proclivitiy for Health Anxiousness ... idk i DO sometimes get in my head abt some things, and it truly probably is just that but also is it babe... like.............

i did not leave that room for months sometimes and when i did it was only for a few hours. never any longer. i was in there all the time and i was too scared to leave because of my damn dad and okay cool. but the black mould was fucking insane and i was breathing that shit in for years and part of me is like...

i dont know. the brunt of the problems stopped when i moved out: the worst of the breathing issues stopped; im not, like, perpetually ill; and the constant migraine, and pressure in my head is not a thing any more. sso im like. im probably fine mostly. but like i dont know, babe!!!

bc like i still struggle to breathe even in a lesser way and i jsut... i feel like. again ive always had Brain Issues (capital I!) but like it was that timeframe when they jsut got... significantly worse.  and frankly it could be all manner of things. i was very fucked up from 17-19 like all the god damn time. jesus christ im BAD now, but i think abt how i was back then and im like... uh, yeah, bud what the fuck. and so like its like okay. maybe it could be that but its also like

i remember walking back into that House last time after the first semester away and i havent been back but the headaches came back in an almost agonising way and i felt ill, so damn ill. and im like. okay. okay. okay. bc how much is psychological and how much is it the actual state of that place and , regading the latter, am i actually experiencing longterm Issues because it would not be OUTRAGEOUS would it like.  like bc again THIS IS LIKE STUPID HEALTH PARANOIA WHEN U GOOGLE SHIT AND PANIC. bc some ppl say it does ... genuinely fuck with ur head a little- and again when i go BACK there its always headaches really bad headaches and a pressure and its just like... again when the mould was at its worst and when i was at my worst was when the brain issues were really starting to... get Worse. worse worse worse but it really could have been all manner o fthings at that time and hell. hell hell hell maybe its all nothing and kmaybe im just being SILLY goofball and just... im actually just lazy and a little stupid but also its just. i dont know its just so frustrating sometimes the way i just feel like my heads full with cottonwool like i KNOW things like i can ... so, so, so almost feel them on my periphery but i jsut cant shove shit together . people talk and talk and talk at me and i dont know if its prolonged isolation over all these damn years but sometimes i just cant process any of it like its all keysmashes and im like. okay babe... how much is MENTO ILLNESS and how much of it is MOULD ILLNESS... how much. how much!!!

[asknightqueendany]

Whenever I’ve seen u hate on Sansa you always point out her trusting baelish in s7 and her behavior with the Karstarks. Both were bad decisions but the reasons make sense. Karstarks- Sansa went through hell with Ramsay and she I think she wants to be strict making sure that the north knows there are consequences for their actions should they turn on her. Deep down she probably knows two children can’t hurt her much but since she’s been betrayed a lot and in the worst ways- she’s very paranoid.

Part 2- she is just falling into the bad habit of being overly paranoid. Next her trusting baelish- Sansa always ever since s2 knows that baelish is not trustworthy but she never had anyone else that seemed willing to actually take her home. Yes he betrayed her but at that point it had become a habit to trust him and to be manipulated by him. Dany took 7 seasons to acknowledge that drogo raped her. Sansa took 7 seasons to finally realize that baelish will NEVER be on her side.   

Part 3- a lot of ppl also bring up the way she acted with the lords when they spoke abt Jon. Sansa has never been seen as anything but a pawn and now she’s actually valued by the lords so it went straight to her head. Also she did explain that the northern lords are always shifty and that she needs there support in the wars to come so she can’t anger them! I love all the asoiaf ladies and I think the reason some may not like Sansa is bc it’s harder to get inside her head and understand.     

Separate ask but also about Sansa so I’m combining them (Anon 2):

You don’t have to like Sansa but if you ever become part of the Sansa fandom.. not all of us hate dany or hate every character besides Sansa. Everyone I follow loves Sansa and Dany and especially loves Sansa and Arya. Yes ppl ship jonsa (I personally don’t) and most ppl who ship jonsa dislike Dany but a lot of ppl that like Sansa don’t even ship jonsa. There are lot of vocal jonsa fans but that fandom is VERY small.            

Okay. I am so tired of talking about Sansa on this blog. Why do her supporters continue asking me about her? My opinions of her have not changed. The first 3pt ask did not made me change my opinions about her. And I severely disagree with everything the first asker wrote. Surely Anon 1, you had to have know I’d deconstruct your argument in my answer, right? So are we to have a back and forth of you sending me anons in regards to Sansa, and me continuing to dig my heels in about her because I firmly believe where I stand on here and have canon to back it up? It’s kind of exhausting.

I will answer these questions today. But I ask that people stop sending me questions about Sansa. I don’t like her. I have never liked her. I have never wanted to be in the “Sansa” fandom. I don’t enjoy watching scenes with her character in them. I didn’t enjoy reading her chapters in ASOIAF. And I don’t want to discuss her character anymore. I don’t even enjoy comparing her to Daenerys and don’t see why so many people do because they are very different characters with very different stories and journeys but since her rabid stans (not the non-rabid ones) hate Daenerys and always make Sansa-Dany comparisons, I’m forced to do so also to refute the wrong and hateful assumptions made about Dany.

But from now on, I’m going to try to refrain from talking about Sansa as much as possible because...I really don’t want to and don’t like to. So again, please no more asks about her.

Anon 1: You admit Sansa is overly paranoid and that Sansa likely knew the Karstark and Umber kids wouldn’t hurt her and blame her paranoia on Ramsay and say her “bad decisions” as you call them - trusting Baelish and not trusting the Umber and Karstark kids - make sense.

Whoa, there’s a lot to unpack there.

Let’s start with Ramsay - Sansa is paranoid because of Ramsay (and likely all her other tormentors - Joffrey, Cersei, and Lysa). But who put Sansa in that position with Ramsay? And the position with Lysa? BAELISH. If Baelish hadn’t kissed Sansa out in the open where Lysa could see, then Sansa’s life wouldn’t have been threatened by Lysa in the first place.

It’s almost as if Baelish did it on purpose so he had an excuse to kill Lysa and further endear himself to Sansa. Lysa comes across as crazy. She nearly kills Sansa. Baelish steps in and “saves” Sansa. But Baelish only saved Sansa from the threat that HE opened her up to.

AND Baelish didn’t need to kill Lysa. She calms down once he tells her he’s only ever loved one woman. He could have continued lying to her but he wanted to get her out of the way so he killed her.

Sansa learns about Lysa being the one to kill Jon Arryn on Baelish’s orders. She learns that it was Baelish’s idea for Lysa to send the letter to Catelyn that it was the Lannisters who killed Jon when really it was Lysa, thereby starting the conflict between Stark and Lannister. Baelish doesn’t kill Lysa because he just doesn’t want her around anymore and doesn’t want to deal with her. He kills her because she knows too much. AND NOW SANSA KNOWS TOO.

Doesn’t this sound familiar? It’s just like with Ser Dontos. Dontos knew too much and was a drunk - Lysa knew too much and was not of sound mind. Sansa has witnessed Baelish killing both these people who know too much of his shady dealings and yet...she still keeps him around. WHY???

He’s also the one who sold her to Ramsay Bolton. Saved her from monsters who murdered her family and gave her to other monsters who murdered her family. Even if Ramsay was a stand up guy...Roose still plunged a knife into Robb Stark’s heart. Her father-in-law would be the man who killed her brother. That’s all kinds of fucked up.

And it’s all because of Baelish.

Knowing all this about Baelish, Sansa keeps him as her ONLY confidante. She doesn’t even seek Maester Wolkan’s council! The man who is MEANT to council and serve the Lord/Lady of Winterfell!!! We’ve only got one scene of the two of them together and Sansa is telling Wolkan what to do, she’s not asking for his advice. Wolkan would have been a much more neutral and wiser advisor and yet, Sansa never seeks his advice. Not on what to do about the Northern Lords, not on what to do about Arya - WHICH IF SANSA HAD CONFIDED IN WOLKAN ABOUT THE ARYA SITUATION AND THE LETTER SHE WOULD HAVE SNIFFED OUT BAELISH’S PLOT THAT MUCH QUICKER!!!!!!!! FFS I’m getting so mad about this. Wolkan was a man of the Citadel, sworn to the castle he served, sworn to HER. And she never sought his advice. Damnit this makes me so mad. How can anyone justify this? How can anyone say Sansa’s mistrust of people in general would mean she turns to the man she’s seen kill two people because of wanting to keep his secrets safe and not trust the man who’s sworn to serve her.

If Sansa is so goddamn mistrustful, she should have kicked Baelish to the curb. Not kept him in her presence whispering in her ear 24/7. How could she not suspect him of trying to play her? HOW???

Moving on....

On to Alys Karstark and Ned Umber. You say this was a bad decision but one that made sense for what Sansa’s gone through. I call bullshit. Alys and Ned are meant to be portrayed as children, Alys possibly of an age with Sansa, but Ned clearly much younger.

However, Alys’s age doesn’t really matter because Sansa treats her and Ned the same. She wants to kick them out. Anon 1, you say this is because Sansa wants the North to know what happens to people who betray her - which, hello, I’m surprised you even worded it like that because that’s usually the kind of accusation that gets hurled at Daenerys. So you’re saying Sansa is vengeful? She wants her people to fear her? Because that is ruling with fear. Making her people afraid of the consequences if they cross her and making an example of two innocent children - that’s ruling by fear. I don’t know how people can see it any other way.

And Sansa, who was a child with the label of “traitor’s daughter” after Ned’s whole ordeal, should know how children can often get caught up in their parent’s political mishaps. While she wasn’t forced from her home, she also couldn’t go back to her home because it was taken from her family. And yet, knowing what she went through, she wants to do the same thing to Ned Umber and Alys Karstark. I’m saying it was a bad decision...and it didn’t make any sense.

The people Sansa really should have been critical of and kept a watchful eye over - were the Lords who were directly involved with not coming to House Stark’s aid. Manderly, Glover, Cerwin. They were the ones who truly turned their backs on House Stark. Ned and Alys however are innocent, weren’t the ones who betrayed the Starks (it was their fathers who are now dead) and they both showed up to court at Winterfell when they were called to do so! Ned and Alys left their homes and went to Winterfell - likely at Jon’s command - knowing there was a possibility they may be going to answer for their father’s crimes. But they dutifully went anyway. Ned and Alys just by being at Winterfell in 7x01 rather than holding up in their castles fearing the Starks - shows way more loyalty and faith than what Manderly, Glover, and Cerwin did before the Battle of the Bastards. This has nothing to do with Sansa’s previous experiences with betrayal and Ramsay’s savagery and whatnot. It’s just plain ignorance and stubbornness. And it may have earned her enemies in Ned and Alys should the North get divided between her and Jon (not that it ever would, but just saying).

Now, Anon 2

As stated, I don’t want to be in the Sansa fandom and don’t care. However, I think you’re severely mistaken when saying the Jonsa fandom is SMALL. They’re not. They’re all over the place on Tumblr and have pretty much taken over the Sansa Stark tag here. I honestly don’t know how her fans who are not Jonsas or don’t hate everyone else, Dany included, can even operate on this site because of all the bile they spew. I truly feel bad for the Sansa fans who are kind and enjoy other characters and don’t post hate. I really do. I don’t know how you guys stay sane. It seems like an even more difficult part of the fandom to reside in than being a Daenerys stan to be honest. But I want no part of it. I am a Daenerys blog, a Daenerys stan. I love other characters, but Sansa isn’t one of them - though I will acknowledge her wins and achievements when it is appropriate because I am not so lowly that I think everything Sansa does is a mistake and try to hate on her all the time. I can see when she’s done good and has a win and I will celebrate her wins with the rest of the fandom because I love Game of Thrones and ASOIAF and if Sansa has a win, then that’s great.

[lycanrox]

response to aidens post lol

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection if-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out. gonna copy nd paste then post my response ok cool

-Guilt trip and gaslight when you thought I was going to get with someone else, people making compliments towards me got you into a rage fit. You never apologized for always getting pissed when I never did shit and you take compliments all the time. 

i never tried to guilt trip. i told you many times its ok to get with someone else. you literally dated someone else and i was ok with it. it wasnt compliments i was upset over, you literally had people saying they were in love with you. thats really weird to me. i was scared to be abandoned. people dont compliment me, all i have is my boyfriend and my qpp. maybe my close friends compliment me but its not a big deal. did i freak out over ur friends calling u daddy and shit? why should u get upset over people doing that to me?

-Manipulating everyone to know only your side, ignoring my sincere apologies, calling them bullshit, ignoring the fact that I never did those things again and told you to call me out. You barely did, but I did always stop when you told me to.

literally i already said. He sat there with me as youd text me and fight with me. you went to Her, my fp, to complain about me without telling her my side. everyone who ive talked to has seen all of it. i give people my phone and let them read everything since even before we broke up. im not scared to show my side. 

-Controlling me, telling me to do everything and give you love all the time and you literally did that all the time. “I hate myself I want to die”, was that not manipulation, when I always try to comfort you? But, you pushed me away and said you never asked. I was extremely supportive in your times of misery and self harm, what have you ever done for me?

how did i control you? i didnt tell you to do shit. saying “love me” as a joke isnt controlling. i wanted attention, god forbid. you do the same to me. “i hate myself i want to die” is literally just me self loathing, how is that manipulation??? i was venting to you because i trust you. i appreciated the comfort but yes i never wanted help. help is not what i want, i dont want to be in the hospital, i dont want to be put on new meds, i dont want a support group i just want to feel less alone.

-Calling me abusive for literally nothing, for “months” I have apparently abused you when A) I never fucking harmed you, a gentle push I guess which I thoroughly apologized for, but nah it’s all bullshit according to you and B) You have done manipulative and abusive things to me like: Forcing me to do things with you, making me have to kiss you within the first 5 days because you were so sad, trying to talk sexually to me when I was not ready but I got into it because that is what YOU wanted, exhausting my limits to how much you wanted from me, expecting me to love on you and care for you when you are always talking about how many feelings you have for someone else, putting me into a poly relationship without my consent the second time, always having some shit to complain about because I cannot be perfect, pinning me against my friends, and the list goes on.

if like 10 different people are calling you abusive its probably true, dude. you did harm me. you ignored the fact i literally said you punched me. you never apologized for that. i was fucking upset over it and you just sat there and watchd me tear up and curl in a ball. you tried to fucking excuse yourself for it. “I deal with things irrationally, I live in a family that physically hits each other, and it was a blur I cannot just stop and think. I did not blame him for being scared? I said it isn’t my fault and it doesn’t mean I havent gone through things either.” literal quote from you. “...it was aggressive but gentle...” another literal quote. 

i never forced you to. in fact it was always you texting me about how horny you are, you made an nsfw blog so i could see the shit you put on there, you were the first person to make sexual advances. i told you i get sex repulsed sometimes and you apparently dont even remember that because at least 3 times a week you talked to me about being horny and what was i supposed to do? you would be at my house and tell me how much you wanted to fuck, you said literally “i cant wait for after-prom sex” and i didnt let you stay the night because of that. you were the one who always wanted sex. i never forced you to do anything, you were the one who touched me without consent. i didnt make you kiss me. before we were even dating you talked about kissing me all the time. you asked me to teach you how to kiss, so yeah like .. 5 days after we started dating you spent the night and we kissed like 3 times. it wasnt that big of a deal. you asked for it. the first time we sexually talked all i said was i wanted to give you hickeys and you asked to sext, so we did. 

poly relationship w/o consent? when we first started dating i was already dating oliver. when we broke up, again, i was dating oliver so when you ASKED ME OUT again you knew i was still with them. no force. when did i ever pin you against your friends? the only person i ever said shit abt was p**** because he was getting too obsessive when you were uncomfy, and you encouraged me to do that.

-You made me believe that all I was ever doing was WRONG, and I have told you that five trillion times, and you never did anything to help that. I know I was not wrong for trying to be supportive even though I was triggered to death, but you made me feel like I was a fucking nuisance in your life.

how??? i did everything i could to tell you how great of a boyfriend you were. i told you every day how much i loved you. how perfect you were. i didnt do shit, you were the one who made me feel like shit every day because i wasnt physically or mentally able to suit your romantic needs. 

-Blaming me for all your damn mistakes, I got defensive because it was never me, blaming me for being paranoid when you did things and hinted at things to provoke that, and your paranoia was never apologized for either. Even in the beginning, I apologized for being paranoid and it took a long ass time for that to come back because you are so unpredictable and you were never clear with any of the things you said. 

yes i admit i have trouble owning up to my own mistakes. im sorry that i blamed you for things. you dont deserve that. im mature enough to own up and apologize for that. i dont know what i did to make you paranoid but im sorry that that happened. i am unpredictable. i know. yikes at me

-Vaguely saying you did some things wrong too but hiding behind your illnesses as well, not even asking me what you could have done better. You want the cold hard truth? You are getting it. Yes, I was supportive of what you had and I guess I am ableist for trying to help you to change. I WAS SO ABLEIST for wanting the absolute bare minimum. You already said we were just becoming friends at that stage, and the fact of the matter is, you hurt the shit out of me.

i try not to hide behind my illnesses but i really cant help some things because of my illnesses. i tried asking what i could do. i tried doing what you wanted. you are ableist tbqh because i told you i COULDNT DO THE THINGS YOU WANTED but you pushed me every day to fucking do it and when i broke down and apoligzed for not being able to do it you made me feel like ABSOLUTE SHIT!!! i was the worst bf ever bc i cant do some romantic things sometimes!!!!! yikes im so problematic for being disabled!!

-You become avoidant to self harm and don’t fucking apologize for pushing people away. You always told me you were here for me when I needed help but you never actually listened to me. I never jumped straight into things, sorry if you believe that. I always said I was feeling terrible and you decided to expand.

i dont have to apologize for pushing people away if its whats best for me mentally. i am 100% sure in that. i always ask whats wrong because i care about you but when i dont know what youre going to say its a 50/50 chance ill get triggered and if im triggered i cant really think properly!! i get flashbacks and anxiety attacks when i see even specfic words. ive told you before its not great to depend on me for that stuff. that im always here for you but im here to listen, not to help. i cant help myself, how can i help you?

-Saying you were fine all the time, lying to me when something was wrong, I always had to find out from someone else about what you have done.

wow yikes i didnt tell you when i felt shitty because i didnt want to trigger you. yikes because i dont want your help or advice sometimes. i want people to listen but you never JSUT listen you have some styff to say and while some ppl like that i dont!! i dont like being told how to think or feel or what to do

-Abusing your medications and getting high when I first broke up with you, saying you got dumped, implying you didn’t deserve it when you never deserved me. I spent over $200 dollars on your boyfriend’s medical bills, but I am careless and unkind I suppose.

i was already abusing my medications :-/ i never called you careless or unkind but ok

-Tearing me apart internally when I KNEW I was not good enough, when I KNEW we were not going to last because you always had someone better. You gave me false hope and tore me up and used my body just for you to help you out.

what did i ever do to make you feel not good enough lol. not do the things i said before i cant do? i didnt use your body, not once not ever. dont even start that shit. you know my history of rape and sexual abuse. what the actual fuck. 

-Again, since you cannot get it through your selfish mind, you never owned up for ANYTHING you have done, and guess what? I only do what people do to me. So, you treating me bad, I tried to forgive you and become collected, but you pushed me to where I thought I was stuck in the relationship. Why? Because if I left, you would become suicidal, if you left, you would want to come back immediately.

i tried owning up to things and ive apologized for many things i shouldnt have had to. tbqh ive wanted to break up since like.. right after prom bc the way you were being so i wouldnt have been suicidal if you left. yeah i wouldve been upset if i left because its hard for me to detach myself from people

You have no idea what you did, you have no idea what you were doing.

lol u rite

People defending your disgusting actions are no better than you are, you only exclude what you have done to make yourself seem innocent. 

people excusing you for hitting me and sexually abusing me and manipulating and gaslighting me are worse than people supporting me. i was maybe bad to you to combat myself from you hurting me!! i dont want to fucking get hurt again so when you do something shitty i have to do something shitty in return! 

Thanks for forcing me into a relationship and making me fall for you because of your temporary affection 

you asked me out both times. 

I asked you all the damn time if you wanted space, but you said “No, it’s fine,” when you damn well knew it wasn’t. Why are you such a blatant liar?

i didnt want to hurt you by leaving you alone.

Oh and also, when you “broke up” with your boyfriend of two years for me, but always texting endearing things to them when we were together, how cute of you to do that.

we did break up. yeah i fucking missed them though. its hard for me to detach. but i wasnt seeing them behind your back. you know very well it was sho who was dating oliver, not me. i text them endearing things because theyre my fp/dp and i love them. 

anything abusive ive done i literally didnt mean to do. youre the one whos just now pushing all this shit on me. dont accuse me of being abusive when you didnt tell me when these things made you upset. i didnt fucking know. i cant read minds. i cant do any of that shit. i also dont have empathy and cant think of other peoples emotions so its hard for me to think about how/if my actions are affecting people, unless they fuckign tell me. which you didnt. instead, you just told me how fucking shitty i was. i was an awful boyfriend, im using you, im cheating, im not good enough, i cant satisfy you. i guess i was so bad you just had to start dating that other guy, and as you said, because “he can give you things i cannot give”. jeez im so FUCKING sorry.

[seraphiix]

1 thru 99

oh my god anon ily

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

drive/oh wonder

sign of the times/harry styles

song for a guilty sadist/crywank

meant to be yours/heathers the musical

deadwater/wet

21 guns/green day

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

** ******

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“He opened his eyes. Moonlight was shining through the bars on the window.” -Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling

4: What do you think about most?

who i could have been

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“are you guys on your way?” -my mother

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

depends ??

7: What’s your strangest talent?

i dont have any talents

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

someone wrote me a poem once and it made me cry :’)

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

never,, what kind of nerd do u take me for ?

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

i dont think its a phobia but i have a weird paranoia abt needles just being hidden like.. everywhere. in my mattress, beneath my carpet, in my pillow (so that they stab my eyes out ofc) and so when i’m in the dark i have to move my head v slowly so the needles dont poke out my eyes

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

probably idk i dont remember my young child days

13: What’s your religion?

atheist

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

glaring at everyone i see, gushing at any dogs that walk past

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind ug h

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

crywank

17: What was the last lie you told?

that everything was okay lmao

18: Do you believe in karma?

100%

19: What does your URL mean?

i wish i knew?? it sounds nice so like,

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

jensen ackles, duh??

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

no, i’d love to though

23: How do you vent your anger?

i take it out on ppl i’m not mad at accidentally, i rant on snapchat, i punch walls lmao

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

i used to collect plastic tiaras?

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting is sm fun aa

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

not rlly but like,, i’m all i got s o

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hate: DRINKING LIQUID, POURING LIQUID, DRIPPING LIQUID, OH MY G O D

love: scratching walls w like, ur fingernails

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if he had hurt someone else

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

YES YES YES

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right: harry potter and the chamber of secrets

left: wall

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

rum

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

the parking lot of a strip club in waipahu, hawaii where bad things happen!

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

nachos

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

idek what the “Opposite Gender” is idek my own gender

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

there isnt one. youre forced into life, youre forced to do the best you possibly can for the good of other people you’ll never even meet, and then you die. and its over. and it was alllllll for nothing. the end :)

36: Define Art.

art: @ej2003cf

37: Do you believe in luck?

definitely

38: What’s the weather like right now?

what makes u think i know what things r like outside

39: What time is it?

11:20 PM

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

no, but i have been in a wreck w my mom before. scary shit :)))))

41: What was the last book you read?

idk but i’m reading To Kill a Mockingbird and The Beginning of Everything atm

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

yes

43: Do you have any nicknames?

“libowski”

44: What was the last film you saw?

the first harry potter movie

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

i split my lip wide open and got stitches when i was like, 4

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

yes!! my fren!!!!

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

heathers the musical

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

who knows

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

that i was rich, that i was sucking dicks at school, and that i wasn’t a virgin. only one of which is actually true.

50: Do you believe in magic?

of coyrse>? do u believe in elephants??

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

depends, but usually yes

52: What is your astrological sign?

taurus

53: Do you save money or spend it?

spend spend spend

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

probably food

55: Love or lust?

love

56: In a relationship?

ye, w @ej2003cf

57: How many relationships have you had?

four

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

no wtf

59: Where were you yesterday?

i dont remember to be 100% honest. probably school

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

my pillow!!

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

no u perv

62: What’s your favourite animal?

penguins or cats

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

people dont like me

64: Where is your best friend?

i wish i knew

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

@zolaphant, @softnicolai, @punkdaddyphil, @thebootydiaries, @slimetony

66: What is your heritage?

apparently ive got a shit ton of native american in me which is rlly cool

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

drinking, probably crying

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

pellegrino

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

yes :/

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

no way wtf

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

save the dog, get a job as a pro dog saver

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

A. i tell my boyfriend and my familyB. i live recklessly and abandon all fearC. probably

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

love, i have no trust anyhow and i’m doing a-ok

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

uptown funk (bc memories and whatnot)

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

8482

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

trust and communication

77: How can I win your heart?

nachos

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

how should i know

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

i dont make good decisions

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9 ½

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“ugh”

82: What is your favourite word?

ethereal

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

cristina yang

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“ugh”

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

drive/oh wonder

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

blue

87: What is your current desktop picture?

solid blue (originality :D)

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Donald J. Trump

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“are you okay”

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

cry until i dehydrate and pass out

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

shape shifting

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

reuniting w/ @ej2003cf after nearly 5 years apart

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

that one thing that happened when i was six

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

gerard way

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

oahu, hawaii

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

probably, knowing my family

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

yes

98: Ever been on a plane?

many times

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

“fuck me in the ass cause i love jesus”

[sunsetsover]

Thank you for holding space for some interesting conversations about the current storylines bv lemme you Twitter is a Mess lmao.

My one thought tonight after seeing the discourse Mess is that I think ultimately this story isn't a Callum has PTSD story, which I suspect is what many fans want it to be.

Lemme explain bc that sounds weird and ai promise Im not dismissing Callum's PTSD... it's a story that includes Callum having PTSD as one part, but it's also a story about how the trust in a relationship has been damaged, and how both people are struggling to deal with the consequences of this. Imo Ben's involvement and the way they're building up his paranoia and eventual pulling of Jags protection I assume, isn't just a side plot it's a joint plot with Callum's? To me, this is a story about how two people with trauma and their own issues are spiralling into crisis and struggling to communicate bc they tried to patch things up with an I love you and a wedding. Callum's PTSD being triggered is part of that, and Ben's unnamed mh issues are also part of that (it hasn't escaped my notice that in next weeks spoilers we see Ben back at his 2019 low point behaviour in some ways, which is Telling 👀)

This is Jmo though, I just feel that the fandom has set an expectation abt what enders is doing that doesn't align with what they're actually doing.

you're welcome omg !! i'm always down to discuss opinions and stuff as long as we're being constructive. like i'd much rather this than hear ppl complaining about everything they hate lmao

i gotta be honest tho i disagree w u. like i completely agree that it def can (and probably should) be interpreted that way but i do think callum's ptsd is the main sl and ben's stuff is kind of .... a side effect in a way. callum's lying bc of his mental health, which is making ben paranoid in the aftermath of the police stuff and then the straw that breaks the camel's back will be kheerat lying, which is why he stops playing middle man and jags likely ends up dead, which i think is more to start off a sl for the panesar's as opposed to ben. maybe they'll use it as a catalyst for callum's sl, like ben opening up to him and sparking him to open up OR feeling even less like he can open up than before, but again i think that's just kind of a side thing.

idk if im maybe misinterpreting what ur saying but i don't think callum's episode has anything to do with ben at all. and like i've said before, i don't think him not telling ben has anything to do with trust. ben's issues are being triggered because of callum's lying, but callum's only lying bc that's what u do when you're in that mental state. i also don't think he's reverted back to his worst behavior. judging by spoilers, he goes to whitney and simply asks her what's going on bc callum clearly isn't telling him. and yeah he pulls out getting protection for jags, but like i said to the previous anon i doubt he realizes how serious the situation is and probably has no idea it's going to end w jags dead. and i mean, it doesn't sound like he puts a hit out on jags does it ?? the bits i've read i kinda got the impression he takes kheerats money but pulls the protection out of spite bc he lied. then he feels guilty when smth happens, probably bc he didn't realize how bad it was.

i do agree that having set expectations on where the sls are going doesn't help tho. like i used to do it but i realized that 99% of the time you're setting yourself up for disappointment so i try to avoid it now. like even w spoilers u never know where shit's going so trying to predict it or convincing yourself u know where it's going never works so i don't even bother 😭 tbh i wish i could stop reading spoilers altogether but i have no self control lmao

💞💞💞

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300718

me and my mom fighting and it brings up memories from like 1-2 years ago when we were fighting all the fucking time, partly bc she was depressed and idk i just found it annoying or smth. idk why. its so mean of me to be so cold and just constantly scream at her and be angry at her even though shes sick and struggling financially but now when i hear her crying again i just cant........ stand it. i get so fucking angry its brings be back to 7th grade again and it totally pisses me off. i feel like seems playing the victim but i know she doesnt line i know its hard for her and she's been through stuff too but i just........... i dont feel anything. i dont feel any compssion or empathy at all i just feel ANNOY.

idk why i am like that. my older adoptive brother used to live with me, mom and lil sis bc he was depressed too and didnt have anywhere to live and i was so pissed. i went to this rich white school and i hated having divorced parents, a mom who was depressed and i couldnt afford all the other things the other kids could. now i realize what they got was fucking insane like they travelled abroad 2727 times a year and only wore designer brands at age 13 like who the fuck can afford that. but back then it made me feel like shit and my relationship to money is just....... even now i cant buy expensive shit. or yes i can, like computer snd stuff but i cant buy expensive clothes or make up cus i feel like such a brag and i still kinda feel like that cus dont like money but i also want money imd sving like s crazy person i have quite much money and i feel quiltat cus i have a lot but i still feel poor and i still cant get myself to spend. and my childhood was ever rough, my parents always made sure to give us what we needed (even if it wasnt like ine if those ugly juicu picture outfits for 100$ each) but i still hated the fact that my dad has to pay for mom and we had to live with him more just bc mom was depressed or not financially stable. i hated to hear them talk abt money and as the older sister i always felt responsible

it was hell back then and im soooo glad we're through that but ive always been the bitch dramatic annoying difficult kid that no one liked. and i was that bc....... idk i have so much anger and sade as within me i guess and also cus well.... then my lil sis wont have to do all this fighting. she was mostly quiet and if she was sad she was sad on her own (or maybe talked to mom a bit sfter). i think she was svared of me back then and i dont blame me i was very very aggressive and im still very aggressive when fighting

im just so frustrated. idk why im such s mean bigch i just cant stand it. maybe i feel guilty?? maybe im svared? idk but when i hear my mom cry i just want to go up to her and slap her. i remember when they divirced and i was like 11. it was like lodig a family again tbh, no it WAS losing a family again. i was always proud over our family but after that it was hell. and i constantly blamed mom and dad for adoöting us, then divorcing snd then getting fucking depressed and low key poor. i was so angry abt mom divorcing dad and i didnt even care why. its so insenditive bc i remember she called dad an enotional abuser and i can low key undersyand what she means but its more like my dad just not being able to express his feelings and he delas with it like pretending nothings wrong which is frustrating ss hell. were fighting a lot too cus he refuses to see things and hes always this positive hoe like..... anyways i blamed her and i saw her as my enemy. thats a problem i have i alwyas see people as friends or enemies and nothing in between. i always think ppl want to hurt me, even my own boyfriend. wow ive been so mean to him too. a mistake and i avt like hes the worst fkn scum on earth just trying to stab me. i blamed mom for everything and the worst thing is that when she says "shes okay with it", me blaming her snd she undersyand its i just grt even more angriper and frustrated and i just cant stand that goody goody. same with my boyfriend when i was treating him like trash and he forgave me i was like........ bitch no

i dont know why it id like that. its like in pushing people away. i obviously do, i realized. i always thought i was the one clinging onto ppl and them ababdoning me but im actually pushing them away bu being a dramatic bigch snd always starting drama when im not satisifed. i started drama with my friends cus i felt like they didnt like me which was actually justified tho cus they beger invited me to anything  and they cut off ppl if they one day decided they didnt like them so i was constantly scared snd wanted more attention eve tho they gave me everything. and obviously that fucked shir up and they cut me off snd i went BANANAS.

why do i always go bananas. its happening iver and over again. i alwyas go bananas and im always so hateful. my attitude to everything is like: "ITS ME!!!! IM THE CICTIM!!!" i really have an inferior complex dont i?? but i also kinda have a superior complex too? where it ink im better. but i think my superior complex is like s defense mechanism to my inferior. im like a bully but more of a drama queen. i remember when my ex bff called me a drama wueen i was soooooooo offended and now i realize bc its true. i am a drama queen but not bc i think its fun fighting thats why i got offended. ppl always think k want to start fights and like to start fights and...... its kind sture but not really. its true that i always start fights and that i feel like i have to fight allt he time but its simple bc of what i justs aid; i feel like i always have to fight and win. life is a constant battle for me, everyones after me. i have to fight even though im anxious all the time im fighting.

i dont understand why im so mean all the time. like when my mom is crying or when she was depressed or when me and my boyfriend are fighting and im so mean i make him cry i dont feel anything. i once said to my dad "now i understand why mom divirced you" and i didnt even feel bad about it. i just get annoyed, especially at my mom. i just want to tell then to shut the fuck up and when i was younger i literally did. my parents got divorced, my mom got ptsd, our money.... :// and i literally just blamed her for everything. for breaking up with dad, adopting me and my sister, divorcing, getting sick, getting bad economy. i hated her and i was such a mean little bitch. we fought constantly for years and even though its better now...... its still there within me. i was fighting with her again today and heard her crying and i just..... wanted her to stop. not because i care but because it makes me feel bad or something i dont know? oh yes, that must be it by the way. its probably guilt. yes its definitely guilt. even when she forgives me and even my boyfriend forgives me for being mean i get even more annoyed and it MUST be because i feel even more guilty?? i dont undersyand though why am i alwyas so mean. its really true i feel like the world is against me. i see people as friends or enemies and nothin inbetween like my boyfriend can make a mistake and i can get so fucking angry bc i think he wants to hurt me or something which is horrible. hes literally crying, telling me that he's been there for me all this time, when i wanted to die, when i fought with my parents and lost all my friends. hes telling me; "ive only been trying to help you. ive only been kind to you. why do you think i want to hurt you. i love you. why cant you see that"

just thinking back at those words gets me teary. hes so right but at moments like those i cant see or feel it. im blinded by.... i dont know. paranoia? hatred? fear? at that moment i refuse to see the truth in his words and instead i grow even more annoyed. and then i feel guilty and i try to shut him out which im doing by blaming him. i once forced him to break up with me just to blame him for it. thats some psycho shit and no matter how much im trying to undersyand i dont undersyand my own behavior but i also know im the first one to declare WAR as soon as someone criticize me. only my boyfriend can criticize me (when im stable, uhhh when im not stable im afraid i would be very very very mean to him). i only tteust him. but im also so guilty. hes too nice for me and we all know its true. im just using him. im using him. first i used him for his love and undersyanding. and now im not even in live with him anymore. now i use him because of everything we've been through, because i trust him better than anyone and because im svared of being alone and unloved. i dont know if i live him or if thats just some sick shit an abuser would tell themselves to keep staying with their target. i'd like to think i love him but maybe i only think about myself. maybe im only living on his love anyways because i sure as hell dont live myself. can i really say i love jim? look at me. im sad and i feel bad im about to text him i love him but then is top myself.... is that only me manipulating him? manipulating myself? i want to believe i love him to make me feel ebtter? ir would make sense considering how much i use him tor reassure myself. ive beeb doubting our relationship a lot and everytime i use him as a comforter to tell me everything will be fine.

i feel like im always mean and scare people away even though i want them to stay with me. even though i want to love them. why is it like that. why do i always feel so fucked up

sometimes im afraid to show this side and sometimes im not.

in struggling between moving on from the disgusting person i was but like..... i dont wanna escape. i feel like im only ignoring her snd i dont deserve it. i feel like im still that person no matter how much i try to move one idk. maybe its time? maybe it would feel better if i apologized but i just.... cant. im too proud. they both apologized to be snd in the moment i accepted and apologized to them too but now..... i dont know. sometimes i feel like i was a complete bitch and everhthing was my fault which it was. i was having a war with myself and i dragged them into it. i was paranoid and thought they only wanted to hurt me. but st the same time i also KNOW they did things that werent very smart. i dont think they did it on purpose like i think back then but...... fuck it was stupid and im still mad about it. i just felt so abandoned and humiliated and the reason i got so depressed back then was because i realized its because of who i am. similar things have happened before but i just kept going cus i thought they were dumb af but now i really realized i got issues. snd im afraid i wont ever be able to make a real friend if i cant fix it

i feel like i have to hide it and if i hide it and cant show it im a bad person and ppl will judge me and hate me (justified)

im trying to be positive and the better im feeling, the less mean i am but like...... im still mean and abusive.