#people talk about Mental Illness Suicide™ in this as if its just some like.

[gibbearish]

also the thing of trying to boil it down to like "he was a hero whos mental state was made of titanium" or "he was an unstable mentally ill weirdo who killed himself and pretended it was for a reason" seems. counterproductive at the very least

[txicgf]

also dear god i hate myself so much right now like i don't know what's telling me my ego is too high right now and the individuality complex is showing and im being too obnoxious and over explaining myself too often too much but i am so much actually i know exactly what is telling me its me because my behavior is annoying by default and fidgety and i overexplain everything and i have apparently lost the ability to mask my emotions properly and everything i say unintentionally sounds like the most pretentious bullshit ever i fucking hate it

ALSO that's another thing and it's completely unrelated and not about self loathing and kind of feels like im proving my point about pretentiousness but holy FUCK all i wanna do rn is binge my list of movies with That Feeling™ with a person and talk about specific directors like fucking nerds and cinematography and shit and pretend like i know more about it than i do ..... im so LONELY and im almost 100% certain id bore someone to death by doing that but man. i just wanna smoke weed and marathon movies w/ someone :////// AND THEN GO ON A WALK

i just wanna talk about poetry and movies and the universe and all the things that that one annoying guy at parties who thinks he's cool because he listens to the smiths and won't shut up about politics would probably LOVE (bc i kind of am that guy) with someone and not feel like shit about myself for speaking i guess. i love talking and listening and connecting with people so much like it's probably a bigger reason i stayed in band than the actual fuckin music ykno? but SHIT now it's like i can't even open my mouth or respond to a text without wishing i never existed in the first place. i don't know how one person can take up so much space by default, its insane how much i am and how high maintenance i am just naturally. and yet somehow that sounds like the most self centered comment to make, huh?

it feels kind of terrible how self obsessed self loathing is. it's like ouroboros,,,,,, you hate yourself so you're hyper aware of everything about yourself and how you come across to others, and then that hyperawareness turns into obsession with how you present yourself, and then youre so caught up in it and self deprecation and negativity that at that point you ARE self obsessed, and that makes you feel like your self loathing isn't real or it's well hidden narcissism, which makes you hate yourself more and then the cycle starts again until there's nothing left in you

anyways im convinced im a self obsessed narcissist whos so stuck in my brain, i don't see the world as it is and instead mold it and manipulate stories and experiences to make myself look better and be the victim because no matter what i have to prove to myself and others that im the good guy, because i have incredibly strict morals to the point where if someone even slightly challenges them i immediately dehumanize them in my head and raise myself above them as some show of my individuality and how much better i am in comparison, as if it fucking matters anything. and if i can't make up or find some shitty excuse for myself? i wallow in that guilt and carry it on my person like a badge of honor, as if me being in pain is anything but parasitic. i broadcast all of my feelings to an embarrassing point compulsively, and then give nothing else to others in return - instead only to vanish until i need something from them again. OR i turn to drugs and avoid the issue until it's so big im literally on the verge of suicide.

im a parasite to others. a blood sucking leech. all i do is take and ever so slightly modify my behavior so i can change the narrative to my benefit. and everyone can see through me, nobody is happy with my game anymore. they're tired of it, of me, of dealing with it. and if they aren't? they should be. i am.

and all of that sounds like the most mentally ill bullshit in the world, and i know at least part of it IS my own delusions because shit. no one is gonna think about me or anything i do THAT hard, nobody is analyzing me like i do everything. but if you were me, you would feel the way i do. pfft if you were my sisters or aiden, you probably would feel the way i do.

part of me hopes maybe its just in my head,,,, i guess. i wanna blame it on a and say that's not how i am its just what she made me believe about myself but i know that if i showed this to someone close to me they would only try to reassure me because that's what you DO in that kind of situation, and when you get down to it,,,, there's a LOT of truth behind it, even if im hyperbolic. i AM self centered, i literally have a history of people pointing out my victim complex, and when ive brought up these concerns before,,,, some have even kind of agreed at LEAST.

even my personal obsession with "getting better" and self improvement is self obsessed and rooted in self loathing. and the whole '"'personal obsession with getting better and self improvement""" is like???? a normal human being thing and that sentence literally SHOWS the need for individuality and to be different. im so obnoxious.

and yet, i also offer: absolutely no solutions! just a constant stream of self hate and monologuing and whining without ever getting any better or doing anything other THAN hurting myself. im constantly seeking out how to be better to other people, how to present myself in a kinder or less intense manner etc but i forget that the best way to be better to others is to be kind to yourself and enjoy yourself because that's what others are attracted to, but i just can't seem to fucjin do it ! so instead, i keep everyone at an arms length and don't bring up my issues and never do anything about my issues ever and never do anything to figure out how to solve them because im useless! or, if i DO get comfortable enough to talk about my issues, i do them in such depressing detail and at a completely emotionally draining length, all the while offering absolutely no solutions to my problems - no high note to end on, no upsides, nothing. just bumming someone else out and then offering no empathy back. once again, a leech.

and im proving my entire point by writing this long. im tired. im gonna sleep

[chillasscactus]

conclusion: 13 reasons why is a series i have mixed feelings on and could’ve been done way better if they were serious about portraying suicide, rape and mental illness (spoilers!)

1) first off the ending. the series did not have to end on several cliffhangers like for fucks sakes she fucking dead and theres going to be an entire series on the lawsuit?? alex tried to kill himself??pr did someone(tyler) shoot him???how fucking tyler is probably going to shoot up the entire school or at least the other 12 people?????

2) yea they did NOT need to show hannah killing herself. why did they have to show her killing herself?! you think a bunch of suicidal teens are going to watch this and think “wow how sad and painful and simple for hannah to slit her goddamn wrists better avoid that!!!!!!!!!

3) also why the extensive rape scenes!!  on screen rape scenes in movies and tv shows is not shocking anymore its just fucjing tasteless 

4) i admit i did cry for a split second when her parents found her. she had such good parents she couldve talked to them tbh the decision to suicide escalated really fucking quickly 

5) i did love hannah. her actress is beautiful and conveys this hopeless, but trying sort of emotion perfectly. and i actually liked a lot of the characters besides marcus, courtney, tyler and bryce. 

6) marcus and courtney’s alibi against hannah and trying to hide the tapes were complete shit. tyler is creepy and manipulative (and possibly a murderer?????) and refuses to believe otherwise. and bryce is a fucking rapist and i really wished his ass would’ve got thrown in jail in the last episode

7) of course the one decent ray of sunshine character would be violently killed in a flashback #ripjeff

8) good music

9) clay’s forehead needed stitches since day one and should be festering in pus and disease by episode 4

10) yea they really really really REALLY did not need to stretch this out a second season 

11)okay so it’s implied that clay has some serious fucking mental disorder?? like he starts hallucinating seeing hannah and people accusing him of killing her and his mom wants him to take pills!!but its never brought!!! up!!! again!!!

12) i did appreciate the plot twist of alex not being the gay best friend to hannah and jessica. i mean hes gotta be bisexual but still

13) jack shepard was a better parent to david minnette in lost than the parents in 13 reasons why. like who barely grounds their child after several strikes of lying and running off and not coming home and being suspended for weed possession???????bad parents

14) also theres this young dean winchester looking fuck in this show like my god same hair face and eyes just scrawnier  

15) beats™ by dr dre

bonus round: since when the fuck is selena gomez a tv producer