#idk it just feels a little weird to be on the mental illness website seeing people talk about how we shouldnt

[gibbearish]

also the thing of trying to boil it down to like "he was a hero whos mental state was made of titanium" or "he was an unstable mentally ill weirdo who killed himself and pretended it was for a reason" seems. counterproductive at the very least

[elytrafemme]

Now we move onto cstubbo! Who will be faster to analyze because ive already established some things here.

hes deffo an introvert! Like i feel like this is the easiest of all aspects to assign due to the simple nature of introvert v extrovert. While i do feel like many people lie in the middle between the two, when it comes down to it there is a scale and most people are on either side even if barely. 

Anyway cstubbo introvert.

Next is intuitive v observant. I feel like cstubbo might fall more into observant here. People who are observant prefer things to have one clear message rather than an abstract one, and they are very focused on the present. They are practical and deal with what is right in front of them. They value simplicity.

Okay and then comes the aspect i despise assigning the most. Like what makes someone thinking or feeling when everyone is such a mixture of the two?! Alas i carry on!i am going to be very topical with this one for the sake of my sanity. thinking individuals are associated with using the scientific process on every day life. What does that mean? Im not really sure! However at the end of the day tubbo=science. 

Okay ill think about it more. Those with the thinking trait are less likely to as others for help or opinions on their own problems. They find a discomfort in emotions and often will override their own emotions to have a more rational response or opinion. And yea i think thats pretty cstubbo!

Now comes the tactics aspect which is even more broad, but yea. This one is hard because the actual test doesnt take into account anything like idk adhd which would make it hard to focus on things. However someone with adhd isnt automatically someone with the prospecting trait. But thats just one of the many flaws of the system and im trying my best to work around that.

To be honest i think cstubbo might be more judging and here i have a reason. Throughout tubbos story arc we see him struggling to cope with the changes going on in his life, which are all valid things to struggle with. However he refers back to how he wish he was back in the weird little routine he had before. Or maybe im imagining things idk.

Anyway for that reason i think he has the judging trait. While he deals well with smaller changes or does good with being spontaneous on a small scale, those are all things that he mentally planned anyway. Like he mentally planned out how he was going to skip class to hang out with ranboo despite the action seeming spontaneous in nature.

Okay i realize i should have given reasons for literally every other decision before now but that would double the length of this and im too tired to do that. Sorry but youyfgsdyghkfdyugbksdfuygtkrueygt ya know?

OKAY SO cstubo ISTJ and then also turbulent because, well, stressed. 

Now lets take a look at the ISTJ description. Here they are called Logicians (on 16personalitys.com) but ima just say ISTJ

They are reserved and willful. They commit to what they do and have high integrity. They are committed to staying rational and grounded in order to keep up their practicality. Even in stressful situations. They respect structure and often find that there is only one way to do things. They are quick to own up to their mistakes.

ISTJ often holds other people to high standards and can be quick to judge. Theyre the kind of person to do a group project by themself because they want it done right.

strengths: honest, direct, strong-willed, dutiful, responsible, calm and practical, create and enforce order, jack of all trades

weaknesses: stubborn, insensitive, lives life by the book, judgemental, blames themselves

this website says that ISTJ enforces conservative values like who the hell thinks political standing is determined by a literal personality trait???? i dispise the romance section of each personality. and yea the whole *this personality is usually conservative with traditional beliefs* was in the romance section.

in friendships they are very loyal but they struggle with expressing emotions. they don’t like conflict and avoid it when possible. it’s common for a ISTJ to have an intuitive (N) person in their close friend group.

turbulent ISTJ need consistency for stability in their life however they often don’t know what they want. 

okay i think this description fits cstubbo better than the first description fit csranboo. so let’s look at another description!

Truity described ISTJ as,”responsible organizers, driven to create and enforce order within systems and institutions. They are neat and orderly, inside and out, and tend to have a procedure for everything they do.”

this description feels like it fits even less, but no matter! to get more results!! i’m going to take the same quiz as before but this time answering as cstubbo! which is actually really fun, i highly suggest taking personality quizzes as a fictional character! it’s a joy

interesting enough the result was ISTP! Truity had this to say,”As an ISTP, you are curious about the mechanics of the world around you and have a unique ability to manipulate the tools in your environment. You tend to study how things work and often achieve mastery in the use and operation of machines, instruments, and equipment. You seek understanding, but in a practical sense: you like to be able to put your technical knowledge to immediate use and are quickly bored by theory.

You are attentive to details and responsive to the demands of the world around you. Because of your astute sense of your environment, you are good at moving quickly and responding to emergencies. You are reserved, but not withdrawn: you enjoy taking action, and approach the world with a keen appreciation for the physical and sensory experiences it has to offer.

You tend to be detached and prefer the logic of mechanical things to the complexity of human emotions. Independent and reserved, you treasure your personal space, and want to be free to be spontaneous and follow your own lead. You are selective about your relationships, and appreciate others who allow you plenty of freedom to do your own thing.”

I think this, if anything, is very c!tubbo. Not sure about cstubbo though. I guess theyre the same though! I am still stubborn about cstubbo having the judging trait, and i’d even argue so does c!tubbo. Like both of them like spontaneous things they control, change that they individually control. But in the end both tubs are still thinking and planning in everything they do. Either that or I'm projecting again. Am i? I dont think so. Maybe subconsciously?

In conclusion, cstubbo ISTP-T and or ISTJ-T. Personally i like ISTJ more but that's really trivial I guess.

Anyway ima try and cut this short, I hope you enjoyed! I hate the myers briggs system but i will shove things into it to spite myself! Peace and love 

(3/3)

yeah cs!tubbo introvert that one is ez

i would agree with observant too! i think that one is the one i have the hardest time wrapping my head around bc idk if im observant or intuitive myself tbh but i do think he is a lot more like practical with things. he's a bit of a cynic and a lot of his abstract thoughts are actually just a lot of patterns repeating in his head -- a lot of his paranoias are kind of just. analyzing past patterns. so i feel like overall yeah

yeah thinking v feeling with tubbo's character is hard... he's deffo near the middle but i would argue a lean towards thinking as well. he's pretty aware of people's emotions constantly but when he makes decisions they are not really off of his own emotions, if they're irrational its more due to like his preconceived notions about something rather than a spur of the moment thing. so yep agreed on thinking here

truthfully i have no fucking idea what to decide on this last one. because the more i think on it i realize ranboo is WAY more judging like as i ruminate but i get here and i don't really know? on one hand i do agree tubbo has a lot of plans set out, but the thing about him is he's made a lot of moves to have practical plans, but a lot of these plans kind of include him just Figuring Shit Out. his plan to run away in a lot of ways as we see in the earlier chapters kind of just boils down to... i've collected stuff and planned for this but after this. well IDK. so it's kind of hard to say but i will tentatively go with J here

deffo turbulent. man has not the slighest fucking clue what he wants to do with himself

that first description is actually pretty accurate with tubbo! i mean as much as these can fit they're obviously broad and weird. the second one doesn't really fit that much LOL he doesn't necessarily seek out order in life he kind of thrives off of shit going wrong and getting messed up which makes him the exact opposite tbh. so maybe he IS more P than J idk

HM OK I LIKE THAT LAST DESCRIPTION TOO... Goddammit these letters are pissing me OFF okay. because like with his relationships tubbo also does like having relationships where he doesn't feel super tied down in a way? like if he has to make a clean break and run he wants to make sure as minimal as possible people give that much of a fuck. i have no goddmn clue maybe he's a perfect middle who knows

thank u so much for these! know that an owl has been shouting outside my window this entire time which owls usually arent around here so idk why he's here but yeah!

[daijoubu]

rambling don't mind me

ok maybe now that i've had a day to process coming back here i have some feelings lol

i dug through my post archive and like, jesus christ. i knew i had bad anxiety and depression and self esteem issues but holy shit i forgot how much i used this website to let all my brain rot out. like i look back and just see this young girl trying to figure out what to do with her life and trying so hard to get attention/validation with absolutely NO support and i'm really proud of myself for pushing thru and *not* killing myself (genuinely) but i'm also just so sad for younger me for having to deal with so much while so obviously so severely mentally ill. like i truly did not think anything was gonna get better.

i literally spent the first 30 years of my life in survival mode. like all of that chronic stress has taken a huge toll on my body and brain but it's also so wild to me how fast things turned around and how comfortable my life is now. it sucks that so much of my mental health issues were just a product of circumstance and that there was very little i could do to change it.

and i know it's not like i was gonna figure it out all at once, but it really hurt to see my friends who had support from their parents and a safety net to fall back on keep riding the constant success high while i was pushing myself through severe depression to work whatever flavor of minimum wage job i had at the time.

my roommates and friends would get to go home during the weekends/holidays and get to decompress. my mom would ask ME for money and my alcoholic dad would crash in my living room. i was really fucking jealous of everyone that had a good home life, but like, what could i do? i had to manage myself and my immature parents.

i just want to wrap little 20 year old me up in a blanket and make her some tea and pat her on the head and tell her that one day you WILL be comfortable and you get to live with your best friend who you love and you own a condo and a nice car and you have a really fun career and a ton of great friends and you do not have to engage with your family and also your weird mystery illness that makes you feel nauseous all the time is endometriosis and it is extremely manageable

like idk i hate that i have to spend my 30s healing from my 20s but at the same time i'm finally at a place in my life where i literally have time/space to do that? oml i'm gonna cry lmao

[88088-8]

Idk how i feel. I guess I’ve been doing pretty good lately. But today talking to Derek about all the things him and Ashley are going through really brought up some old feelings that I have with Caleb. Unresolved trust issues. I wish i could just erase it. Or believe him. But i always feel like there’s more that he is hiding from me. Or something huge that he’s scared to ever tell me. I just want the truth though. I hate the unknown of it all.

I mean lately our relationship has been doing really well. And we are both sober and seem to have no issues with sobriety. (I’m loving it, im the healthiest I’ve ever been. Mentally. But obviously im still working through stuff) — i can tell he’s really trying. He’s really making me and halie a priority. He’s not perfect but its the effort. The effort is all i ever wanted. I will never expect you to be perfect. Just trying. —- but i still get these random feelings like he wants to tell me something but is scared so he holds back. Like there’s some lingering information wedging a wall between our love force.

Maybe im crazy. Maybe one day ill read back on this and know i was right and have the truth. Only time will tell.

One thing i know is im very sensitive to people’s energy. More so lately. Yes im full of anxiety but just being around someone going through a really hard time brings me down. It’s strange though because i can disassociate sometimes. And feel completely numb. Like through the process of grieving Kindyn’s death at first. But recently i had my music on shuffle and good news by Mac miller came on while me and Caleb were on our way to Austin and it literally felt like it was Kindyn talking to us. It’s so weird because i was closer to Kaitlynn. But i miss Kindyn more. I guess its because, he had more of a constant in our lives in the most recent years.. but seeing Kindyn in the casket hit me harder than seeing Kaitlynn. And im mad that their names have similarities. But it may not mean anything.

Also, I’ve felt connection to lion fish lately. And i looked up the meaning. It’s basically a guide saying to let go of old negative feelings. Let me double check…. BRB 

++++++++++ taken from a website down below+++++++++

In general, Lionfish symbolism is telling you to let out negative emotions and free yourself of pain. In other words, like the Bluebird, it asks you to take charge of your life and protect your happiness. Seeing this animal is also a sign that you will soon encounter a stroke of good luck in your career. In this case, the spirit animal reminds you to seize opportunities as they present themselves to you. Moreover, the Lionfish’s meaning could be asking you to remain strong in the face of adversity.

Furthermore, Lionfish symbolism encourages you to have a bit of faith in the goodness of people. When this power animal visits you, it asks you to let your guard down and express your authentic self. Like the Tasmanian Devil, this sea creature also teaches you to stand by your word and not let anything or anyone sway you.

Alternatively, encountering the Lionfish could be a sign that you are short towards your loved ones, creating tension and conflict. Surprisingly, this could be because you have spent too much time around them. It is best to tell these people that you need to distance yourself for a little bit. This issue is not personal but merely a case of social exhaustion. Your heart will know when the time is right to come back.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #253

hope everyone is staying safe through this quarantine. wash your hands.

Which band do you have more music of than anyone else on your computer? Ozzy. Who’s your favorite philosopher? *shrugs* I don't know any's ideals well. How old were you when you learned how to read? I'm not sure, but I know I was exceptionally young. What’s the coolest Halloween costume you’ve ever worn? I don't think I've ever worn something rather cool. Who’s your favorite painter/artist? If we're talking about well-known, "popular" artists, I'm not sure. Maybe DaVinci. What’s your favorite song lyric- ever? ARE YOU??????????? FOR REAL?????????? Holy FUCK I get goosebumps from lyrics SO easily, this is like impossible. Probably an Otep lyric, though. I really don't like her personally, but goddamn can she write. What’s your dream tattoo if you don’t have it already? I've linked it before, so I'll just remind it's "Denialism" by deviantART's NukeRooster on my entire, upper left arm. I've already gotten her permission (I don't like just... stealing artwork to put on my body), now just comes the day I can pay for it by a top-tier pro. What’s the coolest screen name you’ve ever had? I don't think any have been necessarily "cool." Who do you think was the most badass serial killer? (Real life.) I'm not well-versed in serial killers honestly, but I can say Charles Manson was a C A S E. I think we can all admit he was... interesting. Just the epitome of weird. Most badass fictional serial killer? ig Jason; again, I don't know a lot off the top of my head, but I like him. How many bank accounts do you have? I don't have one. Have you ever been falsely accused of starting drama? Yep. Have you ever found a song that describes your whole life? Parts of it, sure. What kind of car do you drive? I don't drive a car, but Mom's is a... Honda? Kia? Idk. I'm bad with car brands. What kind of car would you like to have? Average size, pretty simple. Burnt orange or red. I know I want one of those screens you look into to see what's behind you when backing up. Have you ever been to Dairy Queen? If so, what’s your favorite thing to eat from there? mmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. So unhealthy, but I will destroy and Oreo Cupfection. Try. That. Stuff. Their milkshakes are also great. Which website do you email from? Outlook. Do you enjoy receiving souvenirs? Sure, it's nice. Have you ever had the flu? No. What about strep throat? Maybe once? Do you normally have a lot of homework, if you’re still in school? Kinda, yeah. Did you ever enjoy gym class? Fuck no. Even when I was healthy. What is your biggest insecurity? My body. Have you ever painted a room alone? No. How many huge secrets do you have? Huge? Uhhh, none, I think. Have you ever painted something and been impressed by it? Yes. Would you rather go out to eat or stay in? I prefer eating out because yummy food, but considering I'm working on losing weight, I avoid it. Do you have any younger siblings? One. Have you ever considered bleaching your hair? To the point of being snow white. Considering my hair is super healthy and bleaching so heavily would destroy it, I'll be avoiding that. I DO want to bleach my hair to do other colors, though. Brown hair sucks. Do you drink vitamin water? No. Are there any old movies you absolutely love? Oh sure, a good handful. The Outsiders probably tops it. Have you ever had a Big Mac before? No, doesn't appeal to me. I don't like veggies on my burgers... despite eating veggie burgers when I was vegetarian lmao. Do you think you attract the opposite sex at a reasonable rate? I doubt that. Have you ever filed a lawsuit on someone? No. Do you enjoy reading often? I'm finally back into it!! Lately all I've been wanting to do is READ READ READ. Have you ever had a deadly illness? Well, I consider depression (among other mental illnesses) to be very deadly, but on a literal level, no. I mean I have dormant MRSA, which can kill if active, but it never has been. Most people carry that dormantly anyway, if I remember correctly. Ever had food-poisoning before? No, thankfully. Where did you last eat dinner at? Mom bought Nicole and me Sonic. Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground & carried you? When I fainted, yes. Are you a flirty person? Not really. A name you hate with a passion? Edward, to name one. Erwin. A lot of old names. What is your favorite type of water (ex. arrowhead)? Essentia mmmmmmmmmmmmm,, Have you ever been to Warped Tour? I WISH. :( Do you know anyone who wears fur? I fucking hope not, because I wouldn't associate with them anymore. When was the last time you were on myspace.com? Damn yo, millennia ago. How often do you cuss? Too much. I mean, I don't even believe "profanity" is a thing by our definition of "that word is magically bad," but still, it's like when people say "like" too much. Have you ever cussed out a teacher? No. What did you think of the movie Juno? I never watched it. How often do you eat meat? Sigh, more than I wish. What grade did you meet your best friend in? We didn't meet in school. Last time you cleaned your room? Couple days back. I'm honestly bad at dusting regularly in here, but that's gotta change with Mom having chemo now. Her immune system will be compromised so this house needs to be as pristine as it can. When you were little, would you have rather watched Cartoon Network or Disney Channel? Disney Channel. We weren't really Cartoon Network kids, actually. It was Disney or Nickelodeon. Do you shave your arms? No. Are you a big fan of the Harry Potter series? Never read a book, never watched any movies; the first one was playing in my presence once, but I paid no attention. How often would say you pulled all-nighters, if you ever do? Shit man, never, nowadays. I don't think I've had one for two years now. My youth is escaping. Has a friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend ever had a problem with you for any reason? I don't think so. How many times a day do you find yourself cracking your joints, if at all? Maybe not even once a day. Only my big toes and upper back can pop. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? No. Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? No. Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side? On the side. Who was the last person you talked to in person? Mom. Do you have a dog? Not anymore, thank fuck. Do you like orange juice? Yes. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister? I never liked it. They're not inclusive at all towards fucking NORMAL bodies, nevermind plus size. Apparently even their rules on looks for workers are absolutely horrible. Ashley liked them though, so sometimes I just had to go in with her. If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? My goth could finally  E S C A P E. How do you/did you get to school? My mom drives me. Have you ever had to have a pet put down? Four times that I remember off the top of my head. What candy cane flavor is your favorite? MMMMMMMMMM get the pink Starburst kind. Do you get angry when fast food restaurants mess up your order? It's annoying, yes. Angering when you've already driven away, especially when you really wanted something. What was your favorite elective class in high school? Art. Did you ever wish you could be homeschooled? Yes. I was homebound for a little while. Have you ever had a dream so realistic you could’ve sworn it happened? Yes. Do you have any mental disorders? I'm a walking mental disorder, lmao. Y'all know the biggies, and now ADD and especially DPD (dependent personality disorder) are being considered. Do you feel comfortable talking about these disorders, if you have them? Yeah, I really don't care. Where did you go on your last field trip? I want to say to a band competition in high school. Are you able to agree to disagree? Or do you have to have the last word? Yeah, pretty easily. Is there a cover song you like better than the original version? A whole lot, actually. Do you have a hard time talking about sex with the opposite gender? I have a hard time with anyone. Have you ever had major surgery? Major, no. Is there any food you don’t like that a lot of others do? Here in the South, everyone is most surprised when they hear I hate fried chicken. What was the last thing you bragged about? Hm. I'm not sure, actually. I don't make a habit out of doing that. Can you do a backflip? Hell no. Are you listening to anything right now? I have a video up of relaxing tracks from Silent Hill 2 + 3. Great shit. Has anyone ever tried to tell you you were adopted? No. How many doors are in the room you’re in? Two, but one's just the closet door. Have you ever been engaged and broke it off? No. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Yes. Do any of your friends have children? Yep. Is there anything you’re craving right now? Not really. Who got married at the last wedding you attended? A family friend. It was the second wedding I shot. Is happiness something to be achieved and sought after or is it something to be retained and held onto always, no matter what happens? The former. You can't just stay happy when, like, your grandma dies. What gives you a peaceful feeling? Nature. Hearing water and birdsong, specifically. Are you a Toys-R-Us kid? Hell yeah I was. My sisters and I would go crazy if we had the chance to go there. We were SOOOO upset when it closed down. If you believe in Heaven, are there separate heavens for different animals (kittie heaven. dog heaven, bird heaven, etc)? I don't know if I believe in a "heaven," but some sort of peace after death, yes. I believe it's one, unified "heaven." When you sleep next to someone do they fall asleep first usually or do you? They always do considering it takes me ten years to fall asleep. If they do, do you watch them sleep? I have. Not in a creepy way, but rather a "wow I love this person" sorta way. What is your usual breakfast? Usually apple and cinnamon oatmeal What do your salt and pepper shakers look like? They're nothing special. The salt is a blue ceramic, and the pepper one is just what you get from the store. Have you ever had your car towed? I've never had my own car. What band or singer do you believe started rock and roll? I'm pretty sure Elvis is given that credit. Whose voice irritates you like fingernails on a blackboard? The female singer of Mother Mother's voice. Mom and I can't stand her singing. All I songs we enjoy feature almost solely the main singer. I can *tolerate* it in some songs, but. What do you contribute to society? Ha. Do you take naps? Almost daily. Do you have any cavities? Not to my knowledge. Do you believe that there has been a man on the moon? Yes, though I do believe the "first" landing was faked in competition with Russia. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm so serious, look into the theory - there's incredible evidence. Would you ever go into a sex shop? I'd be too self-conscious to. I'd just order online. Let’s just say your school team is on a winning streak. One of the cheerleaders cheers both for your team and the other team during games. Does it make you angry? I don't care enough about sports to even consider how I'd feel. Do you prefer carnivals, festivals, circuses, parades or faires? To be real, I only know the difference between parades and circuses. What even distinguishes the other three from each other. Do you believe in psychic ability or is it a sham? I lean towards no. What is your favorite classic rock song? You CANNOT ask me this question. Classic rock is some of the best music there is.

[mautadite]

january book round up

27 books this month! the most i’ve read in a month in quite some time, and a good start to the year. a couple days late because i’ve been feeling a bit meh. i doubt i’ll be able to read this much at any point this year. but it’s nice to get a good strong head-start on my yearly goal. a mix of audiobooks and e-books so far.

a land so wild - elyssa warkentin ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ a really lovely epistolary/found media m/m romance story, set during the 1840s, about a ship captain and a naturalist trying to chart a northwest passage in the arctic, and find a ship that was lost five years ago trying to do the same thing. very beautifully told, with lots of emotion that you’d think would be lost because of the mode of storytelling.

how to bang a billionaire - alexis hall ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ a re-read. i remember being very sceptical of this when i first read it, but now that i’ve finished the entire series there’s so much i appreciate about it.

trade me - courtney milan ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ my first courtney milan book, after hearing a lot of good things about her. the hype was deserved! i like her writing a lot and this book (a romance between a poor chinese-am daughter of immigrants, and a billionaire heir with an eating disorder) touched on a lot of stuff that you don’t typically see in romance novels. particular what it mean and what it feels like to be poor. this was probably my favourite treatment of billionaires in a novel (at least, ones where they don’t get beheaded).

hold me - courtney milan ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ the second in the series, equally enjoyable. the hero of this novel has to confront and own up to his sexism in ways that a lot of romance novels would simply let men get away with! if i’d known that that’s part of what the book covered i might not have been enthused to read it, because while i genuinely believe bigoted people can change for the better, i’m not super interested in reading about it. but i really enjoyed how milan wrote it, and the romance was lovely. (also the heroine is trans, nice.)

my lady’s lover - nicola davidson ⭐️⭐️⭐️ not a lot of substance, but it’s historical lesbian romance, which is my eternal catnip. a lady’s maid who’s the member of a society for sexual freedom falls in love with her mistress, and happily discovers that the feelings are returned. there’s sex, some angst, and a happy ending,

a lady’s desire - lily maxton ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ another historical f/f romance. pretty low stakes, without much external conflict, but it had good writing and great characters, and i’ll always have a soft spot for childhood friends to lovers. and let’s be real: i mostly picked this up because of the cover. a woman with her head in another lady’s lap, gazing gayly at her? yes, thanks.

rebound remedy - christine d’abo ⭐️⭐️ eh! m/m holiday romance, about a guy who gets dumped before christmas, has a whirlwind rebound romance with his bartender, and then starts falling deeper for him. nothing bad about it, but i just wasn’t feeling the romance. i’ve read shorter stories that had more chemistry and character interaction.

don’t let go - cynthia dane ⭐️ another f/f romance that i got mostly because of the cover, but this one let me down hard. i liked that it was set in taiwan; had a lot of cultural nuance and tidbits that i enjoyed, but everything else, the writing, the editing, and characters, the chemistry... it was a bust. it also had a weird and baffling approach to mental illness, and managed to be yet another book that makes me hate rich people. also... the two authors credited are the pseudonyms of the same person skfjhdfkj ihni why she’s crediting herself twice.

alone - e.j. noyes ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ LOVED THIS. f/f mystery/thriller-ish romance, though the mystery aspect is admittedly light. noyes has lovely prose and a good sense of storytelling, but the romance is where this really shone for me. which... idk, i’m aware that it might not be for others who read this book. but something about the way olivia fell so helplessly in love with celeste, everything celeste does to hold on to olivia... it appealed to me on a visceral level.

boystown book 1 - marshall thornton ⭐️⭐️⭐️ three short stories about a gay private eye solving mysteries in the community in the early 1980s. it reminded me of how much i love short form mysteries; there’s just something about stories being told that way that i can’t resist. i was also kind of charmed by the way our main character tripped into bed with a cute twink like every 10 pages. :3

poems i sleep next to - shelby eileen ⭐️⭐️⭐️ a collection of contemporary poems. really enjoyable. nothing wowed me, but several poems moved me.

how to talk to nice english girls - gretchen evans ⭐️⭐️⭐️ early 20th century f/f romance between a spirited american heiress and a nice proper english girl. low stakes, character driven. not really character driven enough��actually; i felt like they didn’t get to spend enough time knowing each other. and some more external conflict wouldn’t have hurt. but it was hot and fun and well-written.

by his rules - j.a. rock ⭐️⭐️⭐️ an m/m romance that looks at abuse in bdsm communities, and spends a good long time on recovery, survival, and healthy relationships that involve kink. i really could not get into the discipline stuff, but i really liked that the main characters worked for their HEA; nothing clicked magically into placed for them, and aiden was given space and resources to work out his trauma.

the wolf and the girl - aster glenn gray ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ a retelling of little red riding hood set in early 20th century russia and france that focuses on the friendship between two young women. simple story, very beautifully told.

the secret diaries of anne lister - anne lister ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ i started reading this in the middle of last year, after i finished gentleman jack, and i was basically reading snippets at a time until december, and then by january i was eating it all up. i LOVED this. i loved the diary of this at times manipulative, haughty, but kind-hearted and tender and clever woman, and all of her loves and struggles and observations. there’s just something... very good about knowing and seeing that lesbians have always existed, and hearing her first hand accounts is just... GREAT. really looking forward to the next volume.

oh, earthman! - berlynn wohl ⭐️⭐️⭐️ an anthology of short stories. weird, fun, scifi-flavoured m/m erotica.

emma - jane austen ⭐️⭐️⭐️ took me long enough, i know! but i really really thoroughly enjoyed my time with this book, especially the audiobook, whose narrator i loved. i loved emma: her cleverness and wit and finesse and all her terrible blunders. though i could tell where the story was going, the getting there was really fun, and i super duper enjoyed the romance (though at one point i got seriously squicked out haha). and fight me: i adored miss bates, i thought she was the best character in the book. LOVE a spinster who don’t know when to shut her trap but is earnest and kind and gentle-hearted and GOOD.

«légendaire.» - kai ashante wilson ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ kaw, i’m begging you, PLEASE write another fell length novel. or novella. please! i love his writing and world-building so so so much, i flip out thinking about it. until he does, these short stories will have to suffice. this was great: everything i love about his writing, revisiting the world and concepts that we’ve seen in his other books, with mesmerising characters and a tragic, but soulful tale.

a conspiracy of truths - alexandra rowland ⭐️⭐️⭐️ i love stories about stories, and as far as that goes, this a pretty good one! the one way it failed to grasp me was on the character front; i just didn’t enjoy the main character as much as i could, or as much as i was meant to, and i felt at times he was too far removed from the plot. basically, chant is a master storyteller travelling in a foreign land, when he’s falsely accused of witchcraft and spying. the novel details how he uses storytelling to get himself out of the pickle, and all the consequences that follow. there are some amazing side characters in this (esp. his apprentice, who i will definitely read the nest book for).

animal farm - george orwell ⭐️⭐️⭐️ felt like rereading this, so i did. and i mean, it’s animal farm! it holds up.

the overdue life of any byler - kelly harms ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ like i said above, i like books about books, and i got this thinking it would be something like that? but it’s more about a single mother who gets the chance to take some time off from her kids and her life, have fun, find romance, and how she deals with managing that, and the guilt, and all the elements that are introduced/reintroduced to her life. i don’t think this is an amazing book, but it’s a lovely one, and i know there are middle aged mothers out there who would benefit from reading it. it’s not about romance (though there’s a cute romance in it); it’s about motherhood and being there for yourself as much as your kids.

the subs club 1&2 - j.a. rock ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ the first two books in an m/m romance series. a group of friends is still reeling after one of them dies at the hands of an irresponsible dom. they decide to form the subs club; a website to review and rate doms, with an eye towards making the community safer for subs, though it doesn’t really work out that way. the first book follows dave, who ends up getting involved with a guy who’s eerily like ron swanson from parks and rec, and the second follows miles, a masochist who gets involved with a guy who likes to pretend to be a vampire (lmao??). i have to tip my hat to j.a. rock, who seems to have a knack for getting me to read things i’d be otherwise sure i wouldn’t be interested in. and i mean, even after reading, i’m pretty sure i don’t want to read other books about domestic discipline or s&m or pretend draculas, but her characters and plots are well written and engaging and i had a really good time. although, i have to mention: the second book dealt with internalised racism in a way that... while well meaning, was definitely not very deftly done.

alice & jean - lily hammond ⭐️⭐️⭐️ post wwii f/f romance set in new zealand. a young widowed mother falls for the dashing woman who delivers her milk every morning. they have to contend with community scrutiny, an old friend of alice’s husband, and her bitter old mother to fight their way to happiness. i enjoyed it; it was simple and the romance was incredibly sweet, though the writing did drag at times.

american dreamer - adriana herrera ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ DELIGHTFUL. the very definition of feel good romance! a young dominican-american man moves to the outskirts of new york to start his food truck, and almost immediately meets a cute librarian who turns his head. i flipping love queer romances with characters from the caribbean; it just feels so good when slang is part of the language of love.

minotaur - j.a. rock ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ i read four books by this author this month, and this is hands down my favourite. i don’t know man, combine girls and monsters and lesbian romance and i”M THERE. thera is a teen orphan sent to a home for girls at the edge of town. there, she makes friends, raises hell, falls in love with the mysterious new girl, and also becomes obsessed with stories of the minotaur, half woman half monster, locked the labyrinth in a cliff not far away. this story appealed to me in so many ways, and i really hope the author writes more f/f in the future.

two dads and three girls - nick (yu) he ⭐️⭐️⭐️ the autobiography of a gay man growing up in china, and the story of how he finds himself, finds love, and becomes a father. very sweet.

whew. that took me a while lol. that’s it for january. i probably (hopefully) will be too busy to read as much this month, but i have some interesting books on my plate. currently listening to an audiobook of beneath a scarlet sky, which is unfortunately underwhelming, and i’ll probably move on with some fun YA.

[giffingthingsss]

Dump of Chucky

Yes, I am still having chucky thoughts. It’s a thing. So here’s a dump of Chucky thoughts that have built up in my head.

A Couple Counter-Complaints

One thing that fascinates me is how a lot of people miss things or don’t understand basic things. 

Now, granted, I’m not going to sit here and say this franchise makes perfect sense and has perfect continuity and perfect acting always and no plot holes. lol  But like I’ve said before, it’s a killer doll. Just go with it. The things that delight me outweigh the things that don’t. 

The voodoofordummies.com explanation in Cult.

If you don’t know by now that Mancini never had the greatest respect for the whole voodoo thing, and that the Cult line about the website was the updated version of the Bride of Chucky ‘Voodoo for Dummies’ book, then I’m not sure what to say. 

Some people thought it was stupid convenient, but given that Mancini was basically saddled with the voodoo and this was a Bride of Chucky reference, I think it spent about as much time on an explanation as I would have expected.

Although I do think he’ll have to sit down and figure out some structure going forward, or this is going to get way too complicated. 

The look of the dolls in Cult

It’s established by the doctor that they are currently making these dolls and selling them at Hot Topic. Whether the movie they were making in Seed actually got made or not, I don’t know, but obviously Tiffany is going and getting whatever is on the shelf currently and putting Chucky in it. They don’t have to look exactly like they did the first movie. 

It’d be hilarious actually if Tiffany as Tilly did make the movie and was getting a cut of the Chucky merchandise profits. lol 

Mancini could go so meta, but has to hold himself back after Seed, I’m sure. 

Although I do think it would be possible to do it while still keeping a dark tone. Humor is great, but dark humor, etc... 

I have no desire, for example, to see the return of the Glen doll. But I’m not totally opposed to them in human form. Long as they keep it dark.

The thought of murderous Glenda, a red-headed teenage girl.... Maybe it’s just seeing Fiona as the actual Seed of Chucky that makes me think seeing movie Seed of Chucky in her murderous glory could be so dark and fun if they cast it right. 

It took Chucky a long time to get revenge on Sarah. 

First of all, the Curse backstory obviously didn’t exist until they wrote Curse. So good luck making everything fit perfectly. I think it fits enough. 

But secondly, Chucky was a little busy. The original parameters were that he had to put his soul into Andy and only Andy before it was too late. The first movie takes place over the course of what, a week, maybe? Then he’s toast for awhile. 

When he wakes up he again has to find Andy. That might take another week before he’s toast again. Then a lot of years go by with Chucky out of the picture entirely. 

When he wakes up again, he has to find Andy. Realizes he can choose another kid once he’s already there. Dies again. Is gone for a long time until Tiffany brings him back. 

So he’s actually been alive for, what, a month total since he put himself into the doll? A month out of twenty plus years.

By the time Bride rolls around, and Andy is no longer his only option, a lot of time has gone by. Who knows where Sarah is. Chucky’s priority is still to get out of this doll. He’s running around with his old flame for a couple of weeks maybe before they both die again. 

Seed. Still focused on getting into human bodies. Chucky gets overwhelmed by his family responsibilities. They say they’re leaving him and he gets very angry. ‘Nobody leaves me!’ (I feel like this line is supposed to be a reference to something, but whatever it is, I haven’t seen it. as it is, it could work as residual betrayal issues). He tries to kill them, or at least her. Par for Chucky’s course. Glen kills him instead. Mostly. 

Chucky is dismembered at least for a number of years. 

The end of Seed is the first time Chucky expresses that he’s gotten used to being a doll, actually kind of digs it, digs that he’s an infamous serial killer doll, anyway. So for the first time, he’s no longer focused on going into a human. He still will later on, but it’s not like a do or die thing anymore. He’s cool with whatever. 

So, really, the only time he had a moment to even try to track Sarah down was between Seed and Curse. And if you want to headcanon, you can say that part of him making up with Tiffany was him pleading commitment issues because of this chick. So Sarah becomes like their little marital therapy project. lol

As for Sarah, she likely thought he was dead this whole time. She was in the hospital for awhile, I’m sure. And then had her life to deal with. Not to mention being mentally unstable. She probably wasn’t super caught up with the news of the day. And obviously didn’t stay in Chicago.

The one thing I wish they would have tied in in Cult was that Nica’s mother was mentally unwell. Nica could have said her family had a history of mental illness. Make Nica’s ‘snap’ more believable to her and everyone else. But it might have been too long and clunky, idk.

Oh, no, not the stuffing!

A lot of people upset that Mancini broke doll innards continuity in Curse. If I really cared about doll innards continuity, maybe I would be upset too. Idk.

As it is, I actually do think that those moments would have looked super weird with blood and guts all over everything. I do think the look of it fit the mood of that particular movie. Mancini chose what looked best over anything else. I’m cool with it. Obviously not everyone is, but whatever. This isn’t really a defense. It totally was broken continuity. I just didn’t care. 

‘The first three were awesome and the rest sucked!’

Everybody has their own tastes. The first three were very simple, actually. In overall structure. 

I can see people not liking things getting overly Muppet Movie in Seed, but by the time we were done with three movies with the same basic plot, I was ready to see something different. I am confused by people who want to see the same movie over and over again. 

The last two, to me, are the darkest and most interesting. Nica’s story is the darkest in the franchise. And Curse had the creepiest Charles Lee Ray scene, imho. 

Also, Chucky’s a person. He’s a complete sociopath, but he has more than one layer.

And for the record, Chucky was always funny.

‘You could just kick him!’

A non-horror person, here. I am not a fan of this series because Chucky scares me. He doesn’t. But that’s not the only reason to like him. He’s just a fun character. It’s like watching a btvs-style villain.

I do think he has to be dark. I do think you have to take him seriously. Making the human characters compelling is the key to that. Making the audience care that they might die.

But I don’t sit there and wonder whether or not I could beat him in a fight. 

Was Malcolm possessed or not? 

I thought it was obvious in the end that he was not, and thought that was kind of a cool moment, actually. But some seem really confused about it. 

He took on a Chucky personality, but was not actually possessed. That’s why he only ever stands there looking sinister. And why Nica!Chucky is like, ‘in your dreams.’

Why did Madeline throw Chucky and him into the grave though? I have no idea. 

But that segues into another Chucky thought that I’ll put in another post. 

[httpsaw]

— 85 questions 💌

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag more people

i was tagged by @1esbiana thank u for tagging me angel!!

- LAST

1. drink - Raspberry & Blackberry water

2. phone call - My friend Emily

3. text message - my other friend Courtney

4. song you listened to - See you again by Tyler the creator

5. time you cried - Monday

- EVER

6. dated someone twice? - No

7. kissed someone and regretted it - the only 2 ppl ive kissed were guys so yes

8. been cheated on - No

9. lost someone special - Yeah

10. been depressed - Yes dsdfsjksdf still am b!

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - i havent thrown up i know my limits

- FAVE COLORS

12. Red

13. White

14. Green

- IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15. made new friends - yeah and lost them but it be like that

16. fallen out of love - yes :(

17. laughed until you cried - yes omg i rlly be thinking i peed bc how hard i laughed

18. found out someone was talking about you - uhh yeah:/

19. met someone who changed you - no tbh its just me changing 

20. found out who your friends are - yeah:/

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - no

- GENERAL

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - all except 1

23. do you have any pets - a cat who i love legit i could go on for hours

24. do you want to change your name - i kinda wanna legally change my name to Rosa but thats tew much work

25. what did you do for your last birthday - no omg my birthdays r so depressing lets not talk abt this

26. what time did you wake up today - midday bc its not hot so i can rest

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - litchrally sleeping bc again its not hot so i dont have to suffer

28. what is something you can’t wait for - not being mentally ill & looking back at who i was in 10 years and how far i got or havent got

30. what are you listening to right now - Flower boy by Tyler the creator

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - yeah in primary school but i never saw him after that and i dont even remember anything abt him except his name

32. something that gets on your nerves - people talkin over me it makes me so mad, ppl who dont listen/just ignore u like bitch okay then.

33. most visited website - uh tumblr or pinterest i love that bitch

34. hair color - dark brown i dont dye my hair bc im worried abt burning my head

35. long or short hair - its slowly making its way to shoulder length cant wait to cut it again i love cutting my own hair omg

36. do you have a crush on someone - no idk like this half year ive just been thinking abt myself and how i can better myself, plus everyone i know/met im not attracted to so

37. what do you like about yourself - uh my eyes, my ability to empathise, how i can stand up for myself sometimes, my creativeness

38. want any piercings? - no sometimes i want to get my ears pierced for hoop earings but i have hearing aids and ive been self consious of them since i was a kid i dont wear them when i should n i dont want to draw attention BUT im trying to accept it n be confident like im struggling w my voice but im kinda accepting it and liking it so i gotta accept my deafness bc i pierce my ears thats so dumb sjkdjkks

39. blood type - idk i feel like this is so ppl can steal my kidneys go away (or at least pay me)

40. nicknames - litchrally just Rosa or “that sad bitch”

41. relationship status - single also ive been thinking abt this like obv im 19 n v shy/isolated but im worried ill never fall in love w someone bc ive had ppl love me but like i just dont feel like i will ever truly love someone and not be over it in a week

42. zodiac - Leo sun/Sag Moon/Taurus Rising

43. pronouns - He/Him or They/Them i dont mind

44. fave tv shows - Breaking Bad, Pretty Little Liars, idk most of them suck n i get bored of them

45. tattoos - i have 2 n i want more but im poor :’(

46. right or left handed - right

47. ever had surgery - yeah ive had like 7 i was supposed to have had my 8th but uhhhhhhh yeah the phsycologist didnt think it was the right time

48. piercings - no go away

49. sport - do i look like i do sports??? (this was in the voice of that vine sjkdjkdsfjk)

50. vacation - im always on a vacation in my mind when i close my eyes

51. trainers - i wear one pair of shoes n theyre white nikes i love them i only like the white shoes bc i hate the black pair i have bc they look weird n i dont buy shoes often i may buy boots soon tho

- MORE GENERAL

52. eating - go away

53. drinking - i answered this before?

54. i’m about to watch - myself pin some stuff to my pinterest boards

55. waiting for - myself to finish this and then do my skincare routine

56. want - time to stand still so i cant breathe

57. get married - i said it before idk if ill ever love someone i probably will right like so many people do? but idk if i want to get married, i like the idea of a wedding n dressing up all nice but idk if its for me

58. career - uhhh writer fml or florist like idk if i need a degree for that but like lemme plant flowers ok damn

- THIS OR THAT

59. hugs or kisses - hugs

60. lips or eyes - eyes bc some ppl dont moisturize their damn lips

61. shorter or taller - taller bc im short but if my future gf was shorter then like ok? sflkkl like what am i supposed to do get her really high boots to wear?

62. older or younger - older i guess? i only have dated ppl my age but as long as its not a big age gap yk like i dont want to date a 30 year old rn sdfkksfdk

63. nice arms or stomach - arms bc i wanna be held

64. hookup or relationship - neither bc id have a panic attacksdjfsfjjkfsdjk too real

65. troublemaker or hesitant - uhh? idk ? what does this mean? im hesitant like i wanna make sure shit aint gonna ruin me or go awful and if it does i have a plan/vague idea on how to fix it

- HAVE YOU EVER

66. kissed a stranger - no id rather choke

67. drank hard liquor - yes but name a drink that doesnt taste like death

68. lost glasses - i dont have glasses but i probably would

69. turned someone down - yea haha i laugh bc im uncomfortable bc it ruined a rlly close friendship i had oh well!

70. sex on first date - no id rather DIE

71. broken someone’s heart - yes :(

72. had your heart broken - yes im a sensitive bich!

73. been arrested - no i know ppl that have been but thats as close as i ever wanna get

74. cried when someone died - i cried when allison argent & lexa died but noone irl

75. fallen for a friend - yeah but it was online n we dont talk anymore but i do miss her

- DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - yes im a legend (im in a good mood so yes i do)

77. miracles - uhhh i dunno?

78. love at first sight - yes im not even gonna play

79. santa claus - no but if ppl do thats cute n who am i to tell them not to

80. kiss on a first date - id let u know if i ever go on one!

81. angels - dunno? i guess i believe in god but angels? not really? like i wouldnt say they definetly DONT exist but i also wouldnt put my faith in them

- OTHER

82. best friend’s name - uh thats my cat Zulu

83. eye color - brown

84. fave movie - 13 going on 30 i bought it on discount from morrisons thinking i wouldnt like it but itd be something to watch but biiiiiiiitch i feel in love w that movie!!!

85. fave actor - crystal reed but only bc she played allison argent n i still would die for her

-Tag others: @matd @01chuu @lunesgf @nbwlw n anyone else who wants to 

[adhd-ahamilton]

also ahhhhhhh this subject again but just man I feel like I must have such different experiences with LGBT+ terms than other queer historians?

I didn’t grow up thinking ‘I’m different to everyone else, maybe I’m one of those people, oh god’. I grew up thinking ‘...wait, aren’t I just doing the normal thing? Doesn’t everyone do this? ...what do you mean nobody does??? And, wait, you’re telling me everyone actually does that thing????’

When I was a teenager, almost everyone I encountered IRL would say that gay people existed, but bi people didn’t - they were just looking for attention, or super promiscuous, or trying to deny they were gay. Even most major gay celebrities were the same. my first big experience with the queer community was fandom spaces where the existence of bisexuality was a major discussion point, and diving into that argument space was my first real taste of any kind of activism. (Even if it took me a couple years to realise why I felt so strongly about it.) But even now, occasionally, I forget how bisexuality works? Like my brain will just forget to make a concession for it, and then my conscious mind will be like ‘wait... forgot something here’, or I’ll even just stop...understanding it? Like for a minute or so I’ll be just like ‘wait is that even a real thing actually? suddenly it just sounds really not real?’

And that’s the easy part. Nowadays, hardly anybody who is taken seriously denies that bisexuality exists. Asexuality, though? Totally different story - literally on this website, in queer spaces, I keep randomly coming across people claiming that sexuals are just cringy straight people wanting something, or gay people with internalised homophobia, or all mentally ill. And aromanticism? Even if it’s brought up, unless it’s by an actual aro person, it’s almost always just treated as an unimportant optional subset of asexuality.

For me, believing in these things isn’t just... a matter of unconscious modern common sense that I don’t even question. I had to learn about it all, educating myself on the topic (and then educating some people I know IRL too, because they sure as hell didn’t know), and continually reminding myself of the influence of heteronormativity and how it erases all non-straight identities, not just gay/lesbian identities. It’s been hard, because a lot of the time I didn’t want to believe it, and at other times I found myself wondering whether this was all in my head and I was just less than human. But that’s what makes the words themselves important and powerful to me. Saying ‘asexual’ is saying to the world ‘this is just as valid, important, and real a way to exist as any other identity’ - as ‘heterosexual’. It dignifies it by placing it on equal standing, and its usage reminds you that it’s not just a matter of celibacy or whatever - it’s a different way of being that needs to be analysed on its own, not ignored.

And that’s not even the end of it. I mean, take ‘’’mogai culture’’’ (the term used by gay people who wanna be homophobic and transphobic but pretend they’re being progressive about it). Plenty of people have commented on how hugely many ace and aro identites there are going around on tumblr. But that’s because, when you live your life having no idea what you are and then come across a word that makes you go ‘aha - it all makes sense now!’ it makes total sense to see the power of those words and want to help others achieve that, or just want to contribute to the culture in general with more words. (Especially since aspecs have been erased from queer culture for decades and now have little culture of our own so we’re trying to catch up fast.)

And I’m not saying that this makes me more objective. But I don’t think it makes me any more subjective either - there are other LGBT+ people out there (especially gay men I’d wager, but it seems to be common among lesbians as well) who have been so exhausted with being constantly identified as Gay that they just want to get away from that and be a person. It’s all just a different point of view. I mean, one time I looked up a book (I think it was actually ‘the Invention of Heterosexuality’ actually) and one review was of a woman saying ‘I can certainly understand - I’m so used to being defined as a lesbian but I really just want to get on with my life.’ But I just...felt so jealous!!! To have your preferences and identity constantly validated like that, to be treated as real and normal and as having a community and as able to trust your own judgement and identify yourself... I want that so, so much!! But as I said - that’s no more valid than her feelings.

So... yeah. There’s just a fundamental breakdown in communication here. Because whenever people talk about how if you used these words with these historical people, they wouldn’t understand? All I can think of is my ‘aha!’ moments. To be honest... I genuinely can’t imagine telling someone like, say, John Laurens about the word ‘gay’ and them responding in any way other than... ‘that’s a thing you can actually be? that people are? that MANY people are? and it’s not a bad thing - it’s okay? that’s... amazing!!’ Which I knooooow is just my modern ideas and all but just... it’s a possibility???

idk anyway using ‘’modern sexuality words’’ (i.e. sexuality words favoured and in many cases created by the people who use them, rather than applied medically/legally or used as insults or w/e) is really really important for me towards actually acknowledging the existence of non-straightness, and the idea of not using them just inherently feels like succombing to subconscious heteronormativity. Using them feels like ‘hey we are the actual people described by these words and here is how we define our lives and selves, just as real as straightness, and we’re gonna state them outright so there’s no confusion and you can’t forget it’. It acknowledges the work that self-identifying queer people have done to come together and discuss their experiences and define themselves and promote that definition, challenging not only others’ heterosexim but their own at every step.

(Plus as I’ve said before, I don’t see why we should be limited to straight, gay, bi, lesbian, asexual, aro etc. either. Use alterous and queerplatonic and abrosexual and whatever else, or make up new words for things that wouldn’t make sense today. I’d much much MUCH rather people at least use the words rather than just... not, out of some weird idea that’ll involve less unconscious hetero bias.)

[zairehyun-blog]

do ask memes :o

ALL OF THEM!? ON THE ENTIRE WEBSITE!? no but since i love you i will ~

Halloween asks : done

‘Let’s get personal’: done

Sweet asks:

vanilla - how has your week been?

An honest to god mess, but that’s okay. It’ll get better soon~

chocolate - what do you crave right now?

Attention.

red velvet - what type of music do you like?

All tbh

ice cream - if you were an animal, what kind would you be?

I WOULD BE RILAKKUMA (u may be like zaire that’s not an animal. shhh let me be rilakkuma)

cake - describe your ideal location

like.. im just gonna say what i consider home

new zealand or osaka 💫

mocha - what are three things that make you feel warm inside?

my bby

the stars

writing abt my day at night

frosting - describe your appearance

uhm Mmmm i don’t know how i would.

marshmallow - do you sleep with plushies? if so, which are your favorites?

I DO INDEED i sleep with my moomin

sorbet - describe an ideal summer day

Going on adventures ;; especially car rides n stuff like that ✨

butterscotch - describe an ideal autumn day

going outside and walking around and the cold wind n i m happy it’s autumn 🍂

caramel - describe an ideal winter day

DRINKING HOT CHOCOLATE AND WATCHING TV IN AN OVERSIZED SWEATER WHILE IT SNOWS AND THEN GOING OUTSIDE TO PLAY IN THE SNOW ❄️

pecan - describe an ideal spring day

sitting outside n just enjoying all the flowers c”:

mint - what’s new in your life?

my bby

pie - “home is where…”

he is

macaroon - list three things you feel inspired to do

draw again

to cosplay

2 mAKE HOT CHOCOLATE NOW

Send me a number:

1: where are you from?

I was born in London but I was raised in New Zealand

2: how old are you?

I’m 18

3: when is your birthday?

March 13th

4: what is your favorite music genre?

It all depends on my mood

5: religious?

Yes

6: do you believe in ghosts?

Yes

7: would you want to be immortal?

Yes and no, I would hate to lose everyone who isn’t but I would love to see how the world will evolve idk

8: favorite book?

Alice in Wonderland

9: favorite song?

MIC DROP ASJGHSD

10: favorite band/singer?

I have too many but between bts and exo :3

11: sexual preference?

Indifferent to gender

12: virgin? If not, how old were you when you had sex for the first time?

No & 16

13: do you drink, if yes, tell me what?

Nah.

14: do you smoke?

No

15: ever did drugs?

No

16: ever visit a festival?

Yes

17: do you have pets? tell me about them!

I have 2 cats ✨

Ayumu & Kiyoshi

18: how many countries have you been to?

A lot , my dads travel 2 much

19: do you speak another language besides english? If yes, write a sentence in that language!

Korean - 안녕 사랑해!

Japanese - やあ、君を愛している！

and Arabic - مرحبا انا احبك!

They all say Hi, I love you! C:

20: vegan, vegetarian or meat eater?

21: be creative! write a short story about something that comes into your mind!

ASGIJSDHKJf i hate

one day we all heard zayn left the band and it was the worst day ever like they had a song called the best day ever no bitch this is the worst day ever and we all went 2 bed and it was all a mutual dream we all had (WTF WAS THIS ASKJGHKSD)

22: put your iPod on shuffle and tell me the first 10 songs

i don’t have my phone near me either

23: grab the nearest book and give me the last sentence of page 124

I have no books near me....

24: tell me about your crush

i’m answering his ask

25: any weird habits?

If i get scared i start sucking on the back of my thumb

26: ever been rude to a teacher?

Yeah

27: ever talked to yourself?

I always do...

28: extrovert or introvert?

In the middle

29: the most embarrassing moment in your life?

WHEN MY DAD GOT DRUNK AND STARTED FLIRTING wITH MY OTHER DAD AND WAS LIKE “u single”

and my other dad said “no.” and MY daD cRIEd AJHKGDS

30: what keeps you going?

🍯 you c: 🍯

31: ever thought about suicide?

Always

32: do you suffer from a mental illness?

Yeah

33: I'm bored, tell me something funny that happened to you!

I once fell down a flight of stairs because I thought someone was walking up them and I wanted to beat them, but like as I was falling I realised I was walking downstairs and no one was there.

34: your 5 favorite blogs

1. @spook-hyun

2. @lucidyeol

3. @hosvoks

4. @ultchen

5. any suggestion blog tbqh

35: 10 facts about yourself

1. I can bend my pinky all the way back lmao

2. It took me one night to learn Korean :’)

3. I’m a self taught artist

4. the first cat I ever had, I randomly found and I nursed him back to health and he never left me C:

5. I used to want to be a vet/or just someone around animals at all times

6. I used to live by the ocean and yet i’m lowkey afraid of it askJGHKSD

7. I started this blog as a safe space ✨

8. I have a twin sister who’s older than me by a minute

9. I have a younger sister who still calls me her little brother....

10. i’m madly in love

36: 3 things you like about yourself

Nothing

37: 3 things you hate about yourself

Everything

38: biggest turn on?

AHEH IM NOT DISCLOSING THAT I have a stalker who’s gonna try shit so no

29: biggest turn off?

someone who’s controlling. ;e; like i get if you’re like warning me abt something but if you’re like thisthen yeah fuck off.

30: when did you join tumblr?

January 2014

Luxury Asks:

bubble bath: do you have any routines before bedtime? like skin care, etc. what are they?

AHA YALL READY FOR THIS

I wash my face n then i brush my teeth and then i put lotion on and i change and then i drink green tea and watch anime lmao and that’s it

champagne: what topic could you talk about for hours?

You

crushed velvet: have you ever used your charm to get something you want?

AHEH HOW DO U THINK I GOT HYUN

diamonds: how do you feel about excessively spending money?

I mean, if it’s for a shopping spree for good reason (like u got cheated on and are trying to make yourself happy) then yeah, but if you do it everyday then no

faux fur: describe your wardrobe.

lots of oversized sweaters and jeans and cosplay outfits

glitter: describe someone special to you.

His eyes look like honey when the sun shines on them and every time it happens I fall in love

gold: describe what you would call the most perfect meal.

mY DADS KIMCHI COME FOR ME

jazz: name a song that resonates with you and your emotions. explain the reason why.

Go go because 

“I want to be cruisin’ on the bayI want to be cruisin’ like NemoNo money but I wanna go far awayI don’t have money but I wanna relaxNo money but I wanna eat Jiro Ono’s sushi

Worked hard to get my payGonna spend it all on my stomachPinching pennies to spend it all on wasting itLeave me be, even if I overspendEven if I break apart my savings tomorrowLike a crazy guy”

lace: what is something in your life completely different from last year?

My happiness

lingerie: do you consider yourself a promiscuous person?

If I remember the definition correctly 

kinda? but I stopped being that way

lipstick: do you enjoy talking to strangers?

n...no not at all lmAO unless it’s like at a comic con or something like that then yeah

pearls: what's something about your personality that surprises others?

I open up to people when I feel comfortable with them, like, I seem really shy and reserved but I open up to everyone I meet as long as I’m comfortable. 

penthouse: what would you consider your dream home? describe it.

AAAH my old house

perfume: if you could make your own signature fragrance, what would it smell like?

Ironically my cologne is really strong but it’s not so strong you’re like *dies inside*, it’s like, it’s strong so you remember it and if you smell it somewhere, you’re like “Zaire?”

robe: how do you prepare for an evening alone with a loved one/date?

I HYPE MYSELF UP AND THEN I GET READY LMAO

roses: If it had to be winter, autumn, spring or summer for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

AUTUMN AUTUMN AUTUMN LIKE 

AUTUMN ABT TO TURN WINTER YES

satin: what is your most favorite article of clothing?

this oversized as FUcK black sweater that says “fuck off” in japanese on the sleeves asghsdjkfl 

sheet mask: what's your favorite lazy activity?

drinking tea while watching anime

silk: do you have more inner or outer beauty?

Inner

silver: do you have any obscure hobbies? what are they?

I’ll draw on the wall and then i’ll paint over it??? unless i rlly rlly like it

sparkling water: what are your top three songs for the summer?

ew summer

wine: what kind of drunk are you (happy/affectionate, angry, sad, fun/wild)? if you don't drink, what kind do you think you WOULD be?

Well, 

one dad acts all normal and like he’s not drunk and he makes perfect sense and he’s fully aware of everything and can walk perfectly and cook

my biological dad on the other hand is all emotional and affectionate n happy n soft lMAO so i guess i’d be like my biological dad

wow bby i hope you enjoyed this

[yelloskello]

shower thoughts 4 today

it’s really hard when you’re very bad with words so you want to explain everything in detail, but the more detailed you get the less it makes sense, plus sometimes you’re just too fuckin tired to write a novel but you literally can’t come up with the words to keep it short

and, I guess a little bit related? Some time within the last couple years I gained the ability to go, ‘y’know what, I don’t actually have to overexplain this, if someone else has questions about it they can ask, if they make assumptions that is not necessarily my fault’, which has been freeing. I no longer feel like I have to have a good enough sounding excuse to call in to work, I can just say i’m not feeling well and will be taking some PTO and move on with my life. If there’s consequences, I can deal with them when they happen. I can’t live life assuming everything has gone wrong, is going wrong, or will go wrong. Can’t do that anymore.

Which is a weird feeling when that’s how you’ve lived, like, your entire life. It feels like teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit, where that pit is the fear, and maintaining your balance is really hard but now that you can look down and see the pit for what it is, honestly, it’s way scarier to think about falling back into that.

It’s also weird to think about how I got out of it? Because i’m not entirely sure how. Maybe it was the medication and this change was only in the last 4 months and I just can’t remember because it’s nigh fuckin impossible to remember what happened when anymore, everything that happened over a week ago is just a formless blob of ‘the past’. 

Maybe it’s a side effect of when I started believing ‘so long as I can justify/save myself if things go wrong, so long as I can trust that I did everything I could and can feel some level of vindication if shit goes upside-down, it’s fine’, mixed with the knowledge that you can’t control every life circumstance and sometimes all you can do is take all your allotted actions and then wait for the timer cause it’s out of your hands now. 

Maybe it’s got something to do with recognizing that i’ve got a bad brain that tells me dumb things and that the vast majority of my problems in my life aren’t actually real problems and are just perceived problems and that acting on them tends to just make things worse, so the best coping mechanism i’ve got is assuming that if i’m worrying, it’s just my dumb brain. It’s a double-edged blade because it means if there is an issue I might miss it, or I might dismiss my own emotions because I figure it’s just my broken brain being broken and it just needs to pass, but the alternative is falling victim to constant fear and hypervigilance and taking every emotion as reality. Hard pass, if/when i can avoid it. That’s ruined my life enough.

And, completely unrelated, but was thinking about how like... I don’t really know how it happened, I just know it’s from my main form of socialization for the past however many years being this website, but I know there’s this general kind of... Feeling, on here? That anxiety and depression are like, lesser issues. And I was thinking about how fucking toxic it is to feel like that. Like, can’t speak for other people, but when I think of it it feels like something other folks just dismiss because everyone on the internet dealing with it to some degree or another. A lot of their symptoms are shared with other disorders - and, in some cases, their presence can literally be a symptom of another disorder - so it ends up just feeling less like ‘anxiety and/or depression’ and more like ‘the mental illness default; if you’re mentally ill, you probably deal with these symptoms’. Hell, I even think constantly clumping them together as Anxiety and Depression doesn’t really help, since they don’t even get to stand out as singular disorders. 

Like, I start hulking the fuck out whenever I see anybody say ‘it’s just anxiety and/or depression’, and even so, I still end up falling prey to the same mindset, usually with regards to my own problems.

Like, cancer’s fuckin everywhere, cancer awareness is fuckin everywhere, in fact it’s got more lights shone on it than just about anything else - save maybe? heart disease? idk - but you don’t fucking hear anybody saying it’s just cancer

idk it just makes me sad and angry. I feel like it’s a mindset that can hurt people trying to find answers or feel validated in what they’re going through. It’s complicated.

and, even more completely unrelated, been thinking it’s about time to actually make a vent blog. Haven’t made it yet, but if any mutuals want the blog name for that, uh message me I guess?

[aikainkauna]

Five things meme thing

Christ, I’m bored and probably suicidally stupid to post ANYTHING personal on this website but fuckit. Too bored. Here you go.

Five things in my bag:

This would be a rucksack.

-A red folder with all kinds of medical texts from my various illnesses, so I have them on hand if a doctor/nurse/disabled services social worker wants to look. They often do.

-Ginger candy (I prefer the Indonesian Ting Ting Jahe brand, the ones with the checquered ends on the wrappers). I'm not a candy person and extremely intolerant to carbs, but they're for nausea and one has only 3 g of carbs. Nausea happens often with my medications and also saves me from passing out if I have to have a blood test taken--I have a neurological glitch where I'm hypersensitive to touch and feel pain approximately 1392579515893 times more intensely than most people and I can go unconscious from pain with blood tests, gyn visits etc. so that stuff comes in handy. The touch sensitivity is only useful during sex...

-A packet of Amma's Rose incense sticks. As much as I want to support her charities, the incenses from her ashram aren't that great. They're not bad-smelling or anything, but not what I want from incense either; I've had better (usually prefer good old Auroshikha). The scent is pleasant when not burned, so I keep a packet in my rucksack for the fragrance.

-Splenda tablets, imported from the UK. You can't get sucralose here as tabletop sweetener for some reason (even if it can't be banned since I have seen it listed as a sweetener in squash etc.), and I way prefer it to the metallic-tasting Hermesetas that's usually the only available non-carby sweetener in cafes and restaurants. Or worse, fucking stevia (yeah, I really like that sickening aftertaste that lasts TWO DAYS from just one cup of coffee). Splenda is basically the only sweetener that doesn't taste awful to my mouth.

-Painkillers and benzos for emergencies.

Five things in my bedroom

-8 framed pictures/posters/prints of Conrad Veidt. Mostly Jaffar, but there's one Torsten, one Baroudi and that goddamn lounging-seductively-onna-sofa sex panther postcard. I still look at Jaffar's eyes every day and cry out "HOW?!?" and the Jaffar/Pwinzezz onna ship poster facing my bed is great for looking at during a fap if I have trouble focusing on the visuals of my fantasy.

-An old spice rack, probably Russian because it's too pretty to be Finnish, that now serves as a cabinet for my essential oils and attars. The rack has little colourful tealights and pictures of Shiva, the triple Devi, Krishna hugged by Yasoda, Kali's yantra blessed by Amma, and Ganesha on it (my proper altar is in the living room, but I like to keep my homies close) and a little red lantern dangling from it. Peacock feathers also dangle from it.

-Aromatherapy lamp/diffuser thing on my windowsill with more tealights and my most-used essential oil bottles (camphor, rosemary, patchouli, rose, jasmine, ylang ylang, eucalyptus, star anise) beside it because fuck getting them from the cabinet several times a day.

-Many pillows and cushions on the bed. I only sleep with one, but I use the rest for supporting my bent left leg when I'm wanking. Feels way better when I can keep at least one of my legs up-ish to add pressure/muscle tone to/tighten my vag. It's not that I'm loose down there (smaller than average, actually, which gives my gyn and my sex toy reviewing contact woman problems when we have to figure out how to and what can reach the deepest/best spots down there), but bloody hell, the pillow lift feels different. You wouldn't think it made much of a difference, but whenever I have to fap in a bed without support for at least one leg (or am being done by a guy!), I definitely notice it. ("What are you doing, building a pillow fort?" "Feels better for both of us if I get just one more cushion... hang on...")

-Noki's urn on my bedside table. It has a little holder for a tealight on the top, and I light a candle there for her every day. When I light the candle, I kiss the urn and say "Hello, Floofen." It's the phrase @versaphile always used whenever she saw Noki during our video chats, and when I first showed her the urn and was crying my eyes out (funnily enough, I am crying now), she just exclaimed "Hello, Floofen!" and it was just so warm and wonderful--and exactly what I needed to hear, then. So now I say it every time. And when the candle goes out, I say to myself and/or Dolores: "Noki's gone to sleep." (And Doli has just showed up. Sadly, I don't think she's one of those cats who picks up on human emotions and comes to comfort us when we're sad, though. She probably just wants noms or entertainment, as usual, but it's a nice coincidence anyway.)

Five things I've always wanted to do

Christ, thinking of these makes me depressed because these always involve... people and things that can go wrong. So I try not to have dreams about things, because it's nigh impossible for anything to feel perfect for me. And then I get deeply upset. My brain's just not wired for that kind of thing. But let's try.

-If not find a good male lover, at least afford a really fucking good daddy dom escort who can give me a proper hard thrashing and fucking. A really good, hard seeing-to from time to time. But to be perfect or even satisfying, he (and anyone else/everyone else sleeping with me) would have to be fucking psychic, so no can do. Jaffar's always going to be better. It's always Jaffar.

-Speaking of which, go visit Connie's urn again.

-...no, really, I just keep getting depressed. Therapy taught me not to do goals because of this kind of thing. I will keep my bar low so as not to slit my wrists. Like, I feel that even if I said "I want to have a nice cuppa in a minute," I'd break the mug and burn my legs from scalding tea. So let's move on.

Five things that make me happy

-Wanking. The fantasy worlds, when I really get going, are immensely complex and detailed and emotionally deeply satisfying and spiritual and wonderful. If I don't get to wank, I will lose all love, all happiness, all creativity. So that has to be the number one essential thing for not only my happiness but my sanity. And this is why I hate the (male-centric, body-centric) idea that wanking is just some pathetic rub to release pressure, or that sex=the physical act, with another person. When it's everything but that for women (biologically, not gender-essentialistily speaking) since our arousal is always dependant on the mental/emotional (which is why women read/write erotica rather than just watch porn because we want to be and need to be in the *mental* state of the characters, and that's only possible via text/imagination--and why it's fanfic in particular: we already have an emotional response to the characters. So this weird, deeply misguided trend to call that part of sexuality that’s between the ears, and all kinds of perfectly normal female sexuality "asexuality" is utter misogynist blasphemy for me--to call the *essence* of sex itself a lack of sex, just because nobody fucking asked how *women* processed sex, just some guy to whom it was all about dick in pussy! Jesus, the mental aspect is how vaginas *work!* And of course I prefer fic and wanking to “real” sex because the culture of masculinity tries to eradicate from men the very thing women need--emotional stimuli, sensitivity and empathy! How about we call the culture of defining sex through rub of flesh on flesh only not real sexuality at all because it omits emotion and humanity? How about that?)

So, yeah, wanking. It most definitely is the greatest mental, spiritual, creative pleasure for me. That's the life force, creation, poetry for me--there would not be fic, passion, fangirling for me. Take it away and I have nothing, and you will not have me.

-The whole wanking thing is so entwined with my writing that I feel like I shouldn’t mention writing separately? It’s the same creative process of the erotic. But I have so few things that make me happy that I guess I should say something like “being in full flow when the text just comes out and I’m swimming in happy OTP/unf/aaaahthespiritualinsights” feelings.

-Conrad Veidt. And his stupid fucking panther face. And his stupid fucking lady hips of infinite slink. And his eyes of vertignious skies. Etc. But that’s not separate from the above either.

-When people actually come and talk to me in my fic comments on Ao3. Honestly. Getting to have a good chat with someone who enjoyed my story basically makes my entire day. I might have woken up being completely miserable physically and/or mentally, but then checked my email and--A PERSON! ANOTHER HUMAN BEING! SOMEONE I HAVE TOUCHED THROUGH MY FIC! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! That sense of human connection (especially to someone who has no local friends and never gets out of the house) is wonderful. Especially when it’s through, well, the best and deepest and most essential part of myself--the creative/erotic/history-nerdy/spiritual/pervert/geek part. The outer world sees the frumpy gothy cat lady and doesn’t bother, but you’re talking straight to my soul there, meine sveet. So, yes, it is very happymaking indeed, and more than that. It tells me that I have indeed done something to make the world less shitty a place. 

-Honestly, there are so few things... IDK, the satisfaction of having sorted various RL things out, having Adulted successfully. Having enough money to get my prescriptions out, having a fridge full of food and having fed the cat and not being in too much pain, and being able to do something creative. If all those things happen during one day, it’s a supermega-rare day of awesomeness.

Five things I'm currently into

-Conrad Veidt

-Conrad Veidt

-Conrad Veidt

-Conrad Veidt

-Sleeping

Five things on my to-do list

-Have to nip down to the shops on my own today. In fact, it’s exactly why I am memeing--I am at once trying to wake up but also being avoidant. Aaaarrrgh. But it’s an emergency because I am running out of caffeinated beverages.

-Must send a list of synopses of all my programme items at Redemption ‘17 to Big Dave. No, I have not forgotten. Just been fucking knackered and avoidant and the con stress is crushing me. I really don’t envy those of you on the committee who are doing the REALLY hard work.

-Actually prep those programme items properly. A taste of what’s to come and why you all should come to the convention because it’s awesome:

Talk: Queering Up Het because of course you need the guy in a dress and with a strap-on up his arse while the chick goes down on another chick, talk: Villains as Liberators in fanfic, het romance in particular and what they can give to fangirls/the heroines because they’re the Other and as such, less patriarchally shitty, history item: reading out shittons of OLD PORN FROM HISTORY with @coolserpentina (she’s doing Aretino; I’m doing Abu Nuwas), panels: some swashbuckling/Old Hollywood stuff where Big Dave and I and hopefully @filmforfancy talk about OH as a slash fucking goldmine and also Basil Rathbone’s horsecock fencing skillz, and some other stuff which I’ve forgotten and my head’s exploding already.

-Remember to buy basil today. I am out of basil. I have to just, like, draw a huge conk on a piece of paper to remind me. I fucking know I’m going to forget the basil.

-Ring the damn Social Insurance Institute to find out what the fuck’s up with my disabled housing allowance. I think they’re closed down for today. And I’ll be asleep during office hours for the rest of the week. Fuck.

Five things people may not know about me

-I actually keep a list somewhere to answer THIS EXACT QUESTION on all these memes, because whenever I’m asked these, I always struggle to come up with weird random facts. And then I remember several when I’m not memeing. And guess what? I’ve lost the sodding note. *face in hands, groaning*

1. I own an oversized dildo called Ainley and used to own a big German vibrator called Heinrich (Strasser), but he died. I also have a buttplug called Claude Rains. He's very small but very powerful and leaves you gasping and very satisfied after his performances. But I think you might already know this about me.

2. Well, most of you on here probably won’t know what the fuck about my various illnesses, but Non-24 is one of the three most debilitating ones. You go to sleep one hour later each night and wake up one hour later (most people have the form where your day is a 25-hour one instead of 24 hours) and you basically cycle through an entire day in a month’s time (at the beginning of the month you woke up at 4 AM, then 5 AM, 6 AM etc. and once a month’s passed, you’re waking up at 4 AM again). There’s no way of fixing the ever-sliding sleeping rhythm, not even with the strongest of knockout pills they gave to psychosis sufferers and believe you me, N24 sufferers have *tried everything*. And you’re always in a state of extreme exhaustion and jet lag, comparable to the level of fatigue narcolepsy sufferers have. So it’s a major pain in the arse whenever I try to schedule anything, whether it’s doctors’ appointments or chats with friends, because I literally don’t know when I will be awake on Thursday next week (because forced awakenings to go out and do stuff combined with poor quality of sleep, sometimes only getting 3 hours of sleep a night, complicate the rhythm even further). And whenever it’s one of those miraculous days on which I’ve slept enough to process fic, I *will* be ficcing, lest I go fucking nuts, so I will most definitely not be sacrificing my rare chances to be happy and fulfilled to anything else. (Even Important Adult RL stuff, if it can be put off, because my sanity’s more important.) I might also actually have narcolepsy on top of that, but they haven’t prodded me enough to find out yet. So. Yeah. I’m always fucking knackered and that’s why my sense of humour and sex drive are what they are--they’re all linked in that one part of the frontal lobe, so you get a person who’s constantly fucking exhausted AND constantly getting cracky ideas brought on by sleep deprivation AND who’s constantly horny. Basically, I should have married an anaesthetist.

3. ...I think that this year, I will have been writing fanfic for 20 years (if calculated from the time I encountered actual fanficcing culture and started to take part in it). And I feel ancient. And still slip into fucking badfic. OTOH, I’ve only written longfic since 2012 or so. Thanks to that dead German arsehole.

4. I own only two pairs of what you could vaguely call trousers. One pair is made of leather and one is just a pair of slacks. Whenever I wear them, I feel like I'm in drag. I'm way more comfortable in big flouncy skirts because they don't bind my hips/thighs/legs or ride up my crotch. And several layers of skirts are much, much warmer in the winter than several layers of tights/leggings/jeans or something. And with my chronic pelvic/back pain and limited mobility, ease of movement is essential. Fuck trousers, basically.

5. There should probably be something more interesting here, but I do have to go to the shops and I’ll just leave you with this: I’m hypermobile, which makes me able to scratch my ear with my toes, but also means I sprain everything all the time, adding to all the other funky pains I’ve got all over anyway. I can tie myself into a knot even without regular yoga exercise (this is another superpower of suck that’s only useful during sex), but it also means motherfucking sciatica every time I leave the house. I sometimes even count the amount of steps I manage to take outside the house before something in my back goes *crunch* and the sciatic nerve gets trapped and each step on whatever foot’s side it happened on will be one lancing lash of pain. Yay!

So, you know. This is why I don’t meme often and publicly because it just becomes a list of my illnesses. And I find that annoying because often it just gets in the way of what people know about me--they just see the sick woman. So I’d much rather focus on what’s on the inside--the porning and the poetry and all the creative, *pleasant* stuff. I’ve got a lot to escape from, so that’s why I escape and fucking hard. So I hope that escapism in the form of fics and pics and godawful tags will help others escape as well. I know how you feel and all that.

And now I’ve got to go and buy that horseco--I mean basil.

[vijara]

hey, it's currently 2:32 am and i just found your page... i love it sm and you're so cute 💛 i need advice.. i think i'm depressed and idk how to tell for sure.. i know you aren't a doctor or anything but can you tell me what YOU know? i don't want to go on web md or any shit like that.. & i recently asked my mom to look in to a therapist for me but she totally shut me down 😕 i'm 16 btw , thanks

hey of course 💛 i’m happy to share my experiences and talk with you about it. i’m gonna put it under a read more since it’ll be a long answer, i’ll do my best to cover as much as i can.

it’s so different to read about depression and depression symptoms on web md / online websites or w/e after living with it all my life and not having names for a lot of my experiences when i was little or growing up. it’s a really weird hollow feeling to read symptoms listed so matter-of-factly on a webpage when my experience of those same symptoms is so raw and enveloping and feels like it takes on a life of its own. 

this is honestly a difficult thing to talk about, especially because depression is like this huge shadow that’s hard to pin down or fit into a tiny box that can be easily understood. and it’s shifted and changed as i’ve gotten older. a lot of the time my depression feels like an inability to find meaning. an inability to find meaning in daily activities, but the worst is when i can’t think of reasons why i matter, or why my friends matter, or why the things i love matter. that’s when it really knocks the wind out of you. i’m passionate about a lot of things, i’m excited about a lot of things, i’m fired up about a lot of things, i have so many interests and a lot of curiosity and a big heart, i would do anything for the people i care about, (arguably i would do too much for the people i care about), but when i’m depressed it’s like all of my ability to feel love and connection and purpose and passion and meaning is just stripped away. depression isn’t always crying on the floor and being in pain. sometimes it’s being so numb you can’t feel anything even though you know you should. i keep myself alive out of habit during those times, because i know (or hope) that eventually i will be able to feel things again, and because i know that i would hurt a lot of people if i hurt myself, and even if i can’t feel it, the people that i care about would feel it and i don’t want to put them through anything more. 

so that’s the first way i’ve experienced depression (an inability to find meaning in things i’m usually really passionate about or love doing, an inability to find meaning in my friendships and relationships or work, like literally nothing sounds appealing, nothing sounds inspiring, nothing feels worthwhile, and not because i’m being cynical or negative about things, but just because i feel so numb and i can’t connect to a purpose or a deeper meaning behind doing things). it makes my whole world feel colorless and tasteless. 

another way i often experience depression is through exhaustion or irritability. i am a very active person and i have a shitload of responsibilities, but when i’m not depressed, i really enjoy that. i love all the things i do, i love the stimulation of meeting and talking to so many people, learning so many things, working multiple jobs, training, traveling, etc. when i’m not depressed i LOVE the people and activities i surround myself with in life and i feel excited and energized by doing so many different things on a daily basis, i get lots of new ideas and changes of scenery and it inspires me. when i’m depressed i stop being able to find meaning and inspiration in those things, but i also get really really exhausted and introverted and irritated. i want to be by myself all the time and go out of my way to avoid interacting with people. even little conversations leave me irritated and tired, and even if i lie around all day, i still feel absolutely drained all the way down to my bones, as if physically there isn’t a single molecule of energy in my body. it’s the kind of feeling that causes you to sleep on the floor or the couch for a month, when the bed is 5 feet away, just because the amount of energy it takes to move to somewhere more comfortable feels so insurmountable, and there’s no purpose or appeal in moving somewhere “more comfortable” anyway. it’s the kind of exhaustion where you turn off your phone because even though you aren’t answering any texts or phone calls, seeing notifications pop up on your screen is overstimulating. it’s the kind of exhaustion where i would be on the phone with my mom, unable to contribute anything to the conversation because i couldn’t think of anything to say or find the energy to say it, and then hanging up and bursting into tears because i felt so guilty and useless and like my mom deserves to have a better kid. sometimes it feels like being too exhausted to cry. 

sometimes it looks like reckless behavior or substance abuse. i put myself into a lot of dangerous situations just because i literally didn’t care what happened to me, and i was so numb that i needed more and more dangerous situations to make me feel something. it was me doing a lot of hard drugs, drinking, stealing prescription medications, soliciting sex with awful people, chain-smoking cigarettes, eating a lot of random food, anything i could do or put into my body to feel something for a minute. gaining weight, losing weight, sleeping all day, not being able to sleep at all. feeling restless and agitated while at the same time feeling really tired and sluggish. feeling worthless, feeling guilty, feeling like i was a waste of space, feeling like everything in life was bland and useless, not being able to concentrate or focus on anything, not being able to make decisions, not being able to commit to things. leaving friends houses without saying anything. going to an event for 5 minutes and leaving. isolating myself from everyone. feeling overwhelmed and like life was moving too fast for me to keep up, etc. 

it’s really really hard to deal with all that, especially if you don’t understand it or if the people in your life don’t understand it and think you’re just being a huge bummer or have a negative attitude about everything. having friends and partners and family members give up on you when you’re feeling like that just adds to your thoughts of being worthless and awful to be around. i promise it’s not you, though. if you feel this way or have ever felt this way, please know that it’s the mental illness, and not you. almost everyone i know with a major mood disorder is a really beautiful person with a much deeper understanding of themselves and of the world, with a lot of compassion for others because they know what it feels like to go through hell and back frequently. we’re still beautiful and worthwhile, we just have to work a little harder to be okay, unfortunately. it’s not fair, but it’s our responsibility to do what we can to live better lives and not allow ourselves to stay in agony. reach out in whatever ways you can, do your own research, talk to people who also deal with the same things, and keep looking for ways to heal and to help yourself. depression is something that no one should have to live with, and believe me i know how easy it is to feel like giving up when you barely have enough energy to get out of bed and shower, much less keep up with life’s responsibilities. it feels so easy to give up and “accept” that things will never get better, but you have to keep fighting. and you have to reach out for help and for resources that will make that fight easier for you. i think of lifestyle changes and therapy and medication like tools - you don’t want to go into battle with no armour, no shield, no sword, etc. trying to fight off depression without the resources you need makes it so much harder and more devastating. 

i know it’s so heavy to talk about depression and what it feels like, but i hope you don’t feel down after reading this. know that there is help out there, and know that there are beautiful people out there managing their symptoms and living better lives by fighting for the resources they need and fighting to keep depression at bay. i’m happy to talk more in-depth about those tools, or about physical/mental/emotional resources that helped me personally and might help you too, about ways to fight it if this is what you’re feeling. please don’t hesitate to message again if you need to, anonymous or not, and we can talk about it more. thanks for reaching out 💛💛 

[untitledacrylic]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I got a lot goin on in this post so bear with me if its scattered. Apologies in advance

Lets just fuck around and talk about my physiological state. Consistently having hot flashes. Stressed or is it just July in Texas, we’ll never know. Got a fuckin lump in my throat, Yknow, the kind you get before you cry? So here's the fucking issue, I cannot cry. I have not been able to for months I will not allow myself to have the feelings.

I have developed these ungodly delusions of grandeur relating myself. What are they you ask well lets rattle them off!

- every time someone asks me if I want something from them and the answer is yes I still say no because I deserve nothing B)

but Claire! surely you have human wants and desires! yes! I have so many! I just only want to give every ounce of myself to other people and accept nothing ni return because I am trying to waste away and die and at least if I never accept anything from others they 

- People keep needing my emotional energy/effort so I no longer have time to have any feelings of my own because I'm too busy stressing about someone else’s problems

now you might saying “Claire just don't answer! just ignore them!’ GOD I WOULD LOVE TO. Too bad I was built to carry guilt the size of the Vatican, and I simply feel bad if I read someones Text and know they're having a bad time. If I even read the fucking TEXT I will not be able to stop thinking about it so honestly just fuck me. you might also be asking well Claire, how is that a grandiose delusion? BECAUSE THESE BITCHES DON’T NEED ME HOLY FUCK. 

I have Made myself such an accessible resource for my friends to just fucking ravage and that is completely my own doing. Why did I do it? Because I wholeheartedly believe if I am not providing a service to my friends that I am useless because I am also convinced I have no other redeeming qualities.

people seem to like me a lot but I don’t really care, because they like my customer service personality. I won't say “I am” because some of you little shit bags who read my blog disagree, but I SEE MYSELF as nothing more than a multitool? 

aaaaaand jumping to another thought rn but I sent my friend a video explaining a sad piece of art I made and they replied “ma’am do you need assistance?” and I replied with “no I will never need assistance from anyone because I am not plagued by the same disgusting mortal issues that you emotional fools are” and lets just unpack alllll of that for a second

1. I am not god. I am a stupid fucking idiot who makes so many mistakes

2. viewing myself as a god is the reason I can't feel normal emotions anymore. I told myself too many times “you don't deserve to be sad your life it good” so now every time I am sad, no im not. it just, goes down ... down.... down down down down down and now I just feel nothing

3. #2 also applies to desire. I want something? no I don't. I am utterly incapable of asking for anything now for fear of being perceived as someone who needs things or help. I don't need either. I can do everything on my own and if I can't I will simply fucking die.

I forgot where I was going so now im moving on if you don't like it, mail me Adderall so I can focus.

anyway I have another weird problem where sometimes im sad or I have a negative feeling and I want to tell someone about it and I will open up the text conversation with all of my friends, type a message, decide nobody wants to hear it, delete it, try again with another friend, delete it, and repeat that process untilI have tried everyone. In which case, I will fuck my way over to this website and start writing. 

I think I can't talk to my friends because someone them come to me with so many things and its honesty really annoying. I don't care what I tell my friends about always being there to help them because right now im putting all of my problems on the back burner to deal with theirs so that I can maintain my friendships. I am so tired of everyone and I wish they would leave me alone. I have tiers of friendship because I genuinely can't handle being close to so many people but GOD it feels like in SAO when they were climbing the world tree to get to Asuna. In this scenario, my friendship is Asuna, my mental stability is the world tree and my GOD y'all are chopping that bitch down. Is there even a polite way to tell someone “you are getting to close to me and I don't like it so can you please back the fuck off and stop trying to know me? please go back to the acquaintance zone until I am ready for you”

I stared at the tv for too long so now its time to tell you all that I think max and Emma are my only friends who are valid and matter. They are the only people who'd have the gall to read my blog. I love you stupid fucks. You are the only 2 people to recognize my extreme disdain for sharing my feelings. I am incredibly appreciative of you both, I love that I don’t feel like I have to talk to you every day to maintain our friendship, I love that you guys open up to me at your own pace, I love that when I tell y'all disgustingly personal things you don't get all serious and “hey, you can always talk to me :( im here for you :(” I already know you bitvhes are. Thank you for being the only two people who don't drive me absolutely insane every day. except the you didn't tell us you were dating Michael. I’m over it but no free passes (I would add a silly and quizzical emoji here but im on my laptop so please re read the last sentence with a tone of a lighthearted and friendly bully)

I will now talk about Everett. There are no issues but I am still entirely unable to be vulnerable with him. its a problem I would like to get over. I can't ask him for anything either. Idk why I just don’t like to. I don't like to ask anyone for anything but idk I thought id be able to open up to my own boyfriend? He is obviously caring and understanding I just feel like. The second I’m vulnerable with one person like. I’m known. id be perceived? He knows im depressed fuck I just feel like I have so many more negative traits that im hiding? I don't even know what they are I just feel like they’re bad and I want to hide them.  I feel like hell think less of me or idk just get disappointed over time.

Im definitely projecting issues from my last relationship. Im keeping them to myself as much as I can but fuck its kinda hard? rowan was also super infatuated with me and thought I was great and amazing and supportive and look how we ended up. I love the high-rise but im worried I won't be able to keep living up to it. So the hard part now is just

do I continue playing god?

or do I let someone see that I’m human

ok im not ending on that cliche fucking note so uh. ill probably keep playing god because I still can't feel anything. I feel to a small degree but its just so buried I don't even know what to do anymore. Maybe ill just die lol

[selfdiscovery4me-blog]

11-5-17(First Post)

I’m doing this instead of doing my pre-calc homework because i feel like that class dosnt matter and i don't really care idk its fucking stupid i hate that teacher but i feel like he just wants kids to like him. Ive been with my girlfriend all weekend(The thought just occurred to me as how to address these from what perspective and to who, my self or an audience im doing this for myself but do i address it as if im telling a story? im not sure but thats how im going to make it seem like and we will see how that goes). I was with her and her mom, it was recently her birthday and she had a very shitty day, even though I and my Mom tried to make it better she still felt really shitty and was very upset and crying, i remember seeing her bring a blanket out of her room to wrap up and cry into and it hit me that idk like i just felt so bad like something was fucked up like i dont even know what it was but the fact that she had her blanket to comfort her maybe it was because she was cold and wanted to cuddle up but like idk it just struck me as odd and like it just seemed like thats what comforted her and like im just not even sure what to say about it, after us arguing too we finally were able to cuddle and hangout for a little bit with the dog biting us and playing around being annoying but being cute at the same time. I left feeling so confused like ive never felt before i cant explain the emotion that i felt after that like i dont know the vocabulary to put that feeling into words. It was really a mix of being sad, feeling helpless and just i was very unsure of the reasons everything was the way it was and i felt like the world was spinning around me and i was standing still watching it move it was extremely weird, I didn't know what to feel or anything. My girlfriend fell asleep, it was a very tiring day for her but i needed someone to talk to or be with so I asked my friend to come over. (Its almost as if feel 2 different range of emotions when im with my girlfriend and everyone else and they dont work together which almost always ends up bad) We hungout and just listed to music and talked, we went into the my hot tub with the kid who lives next to me. I have known him for a long time but he is kind of a shitty person and friend, weve been friends for so long but yet he switches up on me idk my girlfriend hates him because he talked shit about us and made stuff up about her. I guess im just used to it with him by now but she dosent like it and insists that i don’t be friends with him. Whenever i talk to her about it i alwys leave feeling like yeah fuck him i dont wanna be his friend but then when i see him or talk to him like i just wanna be his friend idk why if its just easy or what like hes in my friend group and not a bad person to be around, he dosent talk shit about her or us anymore around me anyway because whenever he does i continue to make him feel like shit about things he does for the rest of the day which now i dont have to do because he dosent talk. Anyway yeah i had nick over and we smoked and today Alex found out about it that i had him over, she made me promise not to hangout with my friends but i made the promise almost knowing that i wasent going to hold it yet i still continue to tell her that. She balled her eyes out today after finding that out, i apparently broke her trust again. I still love her but i want to hangout with my friends i want to go to parties :/ im so inlove with her like i cant bring myself to break up with her like i love her and it fucking sucks because our relationship is going toxic i guess and i really need to probably get out of it before i destory everything i have or had even more but i cant bring myself to do it. I think about things and like i wish everything would just go away that would make it so much easier, if she would just break up with me and leave or something that would make me break up with her like that would be easy and i think its kind of fucked that i think that but at the same time maybe that shows in the way i act its kind of fucked also that i make all these hollow promises to her when I have my own agenda which i make seem like or feel like i have no room or time for actually doing things which she wants too. Maybe i have 2 high of an exception when it comes to high school and my friends and everything i do and i want to do. I feel like she is holding me back but also a crucial part of me, I started loosing interest when more was coining out of my friend group and that started to become something of greater interest to me. Like before we all did the same shit every weekend but now its different but im not sure if it is i dont know maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. I just need someone to talk to but its hard because im fighting a mental battle between my girlfriend and all that surrounds her and my friends and all that surrounds them. I feel like i can do whatever i want and not really experience the consequences for some reason because i feel like i can pull up before getting burned but im not sure if thats really the case because i feel like everyone feels like that way about themselves probably till reality hits them.Maybe im too optimistic im optimistic in waiting for my stocks to go up like i threw 75 of my savings money into them because i hope that somehow they will go up, invested that plus about 100 other dollars into a coin that i know absolutely nothing about and im not sure if that is a good decision or a bad one or just an in the middle idk fuck theres so much going on in my head right now with school and everything too like fuck idek. I literally cannot make this decision between my friends and girlfriend like just thinking about her shes so cute and adorable and perfect when everything is how she thinks it should be but its not what is making me happy entirely like yes i love her and i like to be with her but like its not like thats all i wanna do. I cant sit sill i have to move i have to do more things like and she just wants things to remain how they once were where they appeared perfect. For some reason i feel like im a really good boyfriend and did whatever she wanted at the time because i didnt want to be made fun of or joked about like if we ever broke  up and i dint want to end things with her and have her thinking about me as a shitty boyfriend like i wanted her to think of me the way she thought of her ex but i guess in doing that i also made her never want to loose me and she now is crazy and ive been shitty to her i think but maybe i haven't but she just puts crazy rules on me and i dont like to follow them so does make that me a bad boyfriend if the rules are crazy? I think i live in an idealistic world where everything will work out for me because i think it will and i know i can put my mind to it and make it work but im not sure if that is really tested and i know i can or if im just like high on my own ego and i can get let down when it actually comes time to do it. I just fucked with my girlfeinds ig and told her i hacked it and had dudes block her which is funny cuz she left it logged on on my phone and i blocked them but ill see how long i play this out for but it made me happyish and feel good and takes my mind off of things so it was alr. I think im going to stop todays thinggy here ill probably just play with the look of my blog. Maybe ill start a website for this idk well see. i enojoy this kinda idk i still want someone to talk to but everyone just like dosent get it they always just easily pick one side but its not that easy its so hard trying to play both sides an make both side happy and work with it when one side dosent like each other and i feel like i need both things :( maybe ill type more later. Goodbye

[bpd-bojack-horseman]

Trans asks

How did you choose your name? My first name comes from a character off doctor who that I like. My second name (which I am mainly known by now) is closely related to one of my birthnames. 

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria) Probably the weird psychological things I can’t quite put my fingers.

Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria? I would have probably have said social previously, but I think in the past year physical dysphoria has been worse. 

What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric? I think I just sit with the hell most of the time unfortunately. 

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender? Probably 15

When did you realize you were transgender? Later in the year of being 15

What is your favorite part of being transgender? Having a community

How would you explain your gender identity to others? I’m male. I don’t particularly identify closely with words like man, but I think that’s mainly because of dysphoria. 

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed? I came out very slowly over the space of about 2 years to various people. Mainly told people face-to-face

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been? I pack on and off. I used to have a lot of hilarious experiences with my packer, but I’ve just about got the hang of not looking like I have a boner. 

What are your experiences with binding or tucking? Been binding pretty much every day for the past 5 years. That’s about to change though thank fuck. 

Do you pass? Probably about 40% of the time. Even though I’m 2 years on T lmao. 

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition? As mentioned, I’m over 2 years on T, and I’m getting top surgery next month. I’m considering getting phalo in the future. 

How long have you been out? Been about 5 years since I came out to the first person I told. Been out to my parents for about 4.5 years. 

What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set? Before I came out to anyone (expect 1 friend) I identified as non-binary for about half a year. 

Have you ever experienced transphobia? More times than I can even remember buddy. 

What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public? Go in the men’s no matter what I look like, fuck ‘em. 

How does your family feel about your trans identity? My parents took a long time to understand but they’re just about chill now Siblings have always been okay with it. Think my grandparents are a little uncomfortable, but they don’t mention it, so it’s fine. 

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth? I’m stealth at work, but that’s it. It’s mainly because it’s just not relevant. I can’t see a reason why it would even come up that I’m trans. 

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans? That I don’t have to feel guilty. 

Why do you use the pronouns you use? I use he/him and that’s because I’m a binary guy. 

Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender? Well, I’m pretty sure that I have BPD because of being trans so it’s more the other way around. 

What’s your biggest trans-related fear? That I’m never gonna pass consistantly. 

What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition? Been out for almost 5 years, T, nearly got top surgery etc etc. 

What do you wish cis people understood? That their perception of a person is not always correct. 

What impact has being trans affected your life? Well I think it’s fucked me up pretty bad, it gave me severe dissociation since I was like 11 and ruined relationships and made people hate me for no reason. It’s also given me a community of amazing people and freedom from gender stereotypes. 

What do you do to validate yourself? Eh, don’t really do anything actively. Sometimes I do stuff like walk around in my boxers and that feels validating but sometimes it feel bad so idk lol. 

How do you feel about trans representation in media? Mainly bad, I wish they’d stop talking about us tbh. 

Who is your favorite trans celebrity? Chelsea Manning!!! 

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most? Jay Stewart, founder of GI. Idk what my life would have been like without my trans youth group, seriously. 

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online? With GI! I’ve been connected with them even before I came out to anyone. Now I’m in the over 18s group, and I met my QPP there and I’m kinda a veteran there. 

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years? Still a binary man, probably will be a bit more attractively masculine? I hope? Will always like to dress up fem though I think. 

What trans issue are you most passionate about? The cis shutting their mouths. 

What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them? Find the community. Seriously. You are not alone. 

How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality? Well it’s interacted with my disability pretty badly because being trans has made it hard to access therapy in the past. Being trans has definitely made my mental illness worse as well. Though I am lower-middle class, and would have never have been able to fund my own transition, I am lucky enough to live in a country with universal health care. So all I have to put up with is long waiting lists. 

What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression? I’m always a binary male, but I can dress very femininely sometimes. My presentation goes everywhere on the spectrum depending on the circumstance. For every day, going to work, I have to present masculine. 

Do you feel more masculine, feminine, both, or neither? I definitely feel I have aspects of masculinity and femininity in me. 

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it? I’m bisexual and aro-spec. I’ve known I’m bi since I was 13, only realised I’m aro-spec in the last year or so. I’m pretty chill with both these things.

Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference? I’ve dating many lovely cis people and would do so again. 

How did/do you manage waiting to transition? Fkcn. Dissociate the fuck out of that shit. 

What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things? Idek know. Tungl.hel unfortunately lol. 

Do you interact with other trans people IRL? YEs!!!! I have so many lovely amazing trans friends! And I trans QPP! And these two people I’m kinda dating!! 

Are you involved in any trans-related activism? Not much currently, but I want to be.